Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 266: Aileen Wuornos Part I - Yosemite Samantha

Episode Date: April 15, 2017

It's Heavy Hitter time with our series on drifter serial killer Aileen Wuornos. On this first episode we cover the horrific early life, her not so great but still better drifter life, and just what motivation (if any) Aileen Wuornos had to kill seven men in the late eighties and early nineties. Danse Macabre - Busy Strings Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Hyperfun Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed und

Hey everyone, we're proud to announce that we are going to be a part of the Indianapolis Crime Con this year held June 9th through the 11th in Indianapolis, Indiana, besides just us guests they're going to have there include Eth Lee Bailey, John Ronson, an author who wrote a book called The Psychopath Test, which I absolutely love, and the attorney who handled the Stephen Avery case, which is going to be very interesting. So go to crimecon.com to get your weekend passes and we'll see y'all there. I was so excited to be back in New York. You know what I mean?

It's always the same thing. It's like coming over the BQE, you see the skyline is lit up by the moon, the stars are in the sky. And you're just like, oh, this is beautiful. Oh my city. My city. Right. Right.

Jenny from block. Henry from the block. Yes. It's as welcome Henry on the side. Yeah. Pull up in front of my apartment building. There's just a big fat man with his pants around his ankles just pissing all over an empty wheelchair.

In my head. That's the first time. That's a Brooklyn fireman. Yes. It seems like it's the first time it's ever just lucky to not be in the wheelchair. Yeah. That's very true. Was it his wheelchair?

Was it a miracle? I don't know. Is that what happened? All right. Welcome to the show everyone. This is the last podcast on the left. I am Ben Gissel. That's Marcus Parks.

Hi. We still introduced him as a guest, even though he's been on 200 episodes. 265. 265 episodes. All right. But he's actually in studio. H-Bone. She's the kind that likes to fuck, the kind that likes to suck to kill your family.

Eileen Warnos everyone. That's today's topic. She's a lady. She is a lady. She is a lady. She's a lady. She's our kind of lady. I'm talking about Eileen Warnos.

Indeed. Eileen Warnos, lead to her friends, was an American serial killer drifter who murdered seven men with a.22 pistol in Florida during the late 80s and early 90s. And although she's a lot of times referred to as America's first female serial killer, she's more like the 57s. Yes. All right. But that's bad optics.

Yeah. Who wants to be the 57th anything? I would like to be the 57th man on the Harlem Globetrotters. If the whole team dies five times over, I get in to start with five. Oh, you would be amazing as a Harlem Globetrotter. You'd just be like, come on, shave the boy. You're the boy. Now, the reason why she got the first female serial killer label was because Eileen was

the first high-profile case of a woman who, quote, killed like a man. She killed like a man. Can I still do that bit? Yeah. Like a man. You can do that. She didn't look like a man. No.

Is that for mad TV? Yes. I'm on fire. You are on fire. That show was canceled. Yeah. Hmm. So was every show I've ever been on.

Stoo. Is that stew? No, that whole kill like a man business meant that she wasn't an angel of death or a black widow, which is how we usually think of female serial killers, the killer nurse or the widow. Oh, killer. Sexy. Sexy female. Oh, man.

You just got me going on something with killer. I didn't realize that was something I had to type into Pornhub, but you know, killer nurse, and when you think of a black widow killer, you think of like Madeline Kahn. Yeah. You think of someone who's like gorgeous wearing black lace. Sheer clothes. Yes. Just like, oh, this has been like, I've made your tea as usual, Danalda.

Melania. Whoa. Oh, Monty's a perfect femme fatale. Oh, she would be the best. Danalda, why do I have to live in this ugly house? It's the White House. It is the White House. Why is there a picture of Daniel Day-Lewis here?

That's Abraham Lincoln. Oh, I'm just, I'm lost in here. You are in the- Where is our simple son? He's in the toilet. Good. According to Peter Vronsky, author of Female Serial Killers, How and Why Women Become Monsters, part of this perception has to do with naming.

Male serial killers get violent nicknames like the Hillside Strangler, the Milwaukee Cannibal, and Jack the Ripper. Women, on the other hand, get names like Fly Paper Lida, Lady Rotten, and the Death Row Granny. Well, two of those names specifically have to do with being sticky. Right. And that is a terrible way to die. Women stuck to someone forever?

Also, a very insulting thing to say to a woman and never tell a woman she's being sticky. You know what that would entail. But also, Death Row Granny, that's kind of fun. Yeah, Death Row Granny's real name was Velma Barfield. Nice. They could have just called her Velma Barfield. They could have. My name's Dertha Splitbeef.

And then, there's other serial killer names that just play on the crazy Cat Lady trope, like the Cat Woman, the Catnip Slayer, and the Paris Cat Eater. I don't know if that's got to do with Cat Ladies, is that's got to do with eating puss. Right? I don't know. There was a special needs person in my hometown who we called the Cat Eater. But it was a man, and he used to do things with cats. Yeah, I mean, I do call myself a little bit of a cat eater.

Are you inferring that you do more? I've made love to my girlfriend. And you're proud of this? Yes. Good. Now, there were superviolet women before Wernos, but they were mostly either a part of a male female team, like Carla Humulka or Mira Hindley, or Nazis like Irma Gressa, a.k.a. The Beast of Belzen.

Never look up sexy, famous Nazis. No. And last night, I had a couple beers, and I was sitting in the room, and I was just like, because I was trying to remember the name of the sexy female Nazi. Ilsa Koch. That's her name, because I was just looking up, and I was getting a lot of conflicting imagery. Well, then never watch Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS.

I think I have to. No. Wernos, she was special in that she was solo. There were no relational excuses with her. She was not being controlled by men, nor was she, quote, just taking orders. She only existed in her own world, and much like Henry Lee Lucas, that was the world of the drifter. This is an important consideration with Eileen Wernos.

She is not just the first famous female serial killer. She is a big-time drifter killer, and drifter killers are something else. Yeah. A number one drifter killer. It takes a lot of self-reliance. That's for sure. I got lost the other day, and I got into the fetal position, and I started crying. Yeah.

This is a pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of serial killer. I'm a huge man, and I couldn't deal with just like, I'm on the wrong street. And we're going to go ahead and be good third-way feminists here, and say that Eileen Wernos was a drifter first, and a woman second. Because you're always a drifter first. It is not about gender when it comes to being a drifter. A drifter means you have no home. You have no base.

You have no anchoring. You're around doing whatever it is you want. It also means, for the most part, you're completely full of shit. Yeah. Well, you've got to be. You have to survive. Yeah. Eileen Wernos is just a person.

She's capable of just as much evil as a man is. Yeah. Now, throughout most of- That's great. Thank you. That's great. Thank you. You're welcome.

Now, throughout most of her life, Eileen Wernos robbed, beat, cheated, and eventually murdered her way across America, although her finest drift and work and all of her murdering was done in the Drifter Mecca of Florida. No, the perfect stool for Drifter Bullshit. It really is the Drifter Mecca. Yeah. I mean, there's a reason why Henry Lee Lucas and Otis Tull said that the hand of death was based in the Everglades.

Oh. Like you're in LA, that's technically beautiful California, but is it too nice to be a Drifter? Yeah. You got to find the middle ground, which is Florida. What you need is highway systems with good walking sides to it. Right. Yes. LA, it's all concrete freeway.

It's very difficult to actually walk the highway. Those are not Thumman Roads. Yes, they're not Thumman Roads. Florida highways are flat. Yeah. Yeah. So you can just roll in from a swamp, literally covered in snakes, and go to the side of the road and be like, I'll kill ya, I mean, take a ride from ya, and they're like, you're

always being funny, you Drifters. And then in the 60s and the 70s, Florida state model was Drifters, welcome. And like most Drifters, and definitely like all Drifter serial killers, Eileen Wernos had a terrible, horrific childhood on par with that of Henry Lee Lucas and Otis Tull, her spiritual brethren. Now while we can have sympathy for these people, as always, remember that they are murderers. No excuse for the willful taking of human life for your own profit, no matter what circumstances you may have grown up in.

Unless it is to win a best comedy podcast award for the webbies. Webby awards. I will kill to win. Please go to twitter.com slash lp on the left for a pinned tweet to vote for us for best comedy podcast. Now, with this whole murdering thing, once you cross that line, you are done, and Eileen Wernos crossed that line seven times before she was caught, even if you believed the first one was in self-defense, there were still six others afterwards.

The Eileen Wernos used and threw away like a cigarette, not only because she was making money each time, but because she obviously liked it. I still view Eileen Wernos as the last bastion of the Wild West villain. She really, she fashioned herself like a new proto Billy the Kid type that was just like robbing and murdering out on the road. She didn't have anywhere to be. She ruled around like a tumbleweed with breasts. Oh my goodness.

Well, that's tough to tumble. But again, like all Drifter killers, all of her stories are from her. We don't know. There's nobody to corroborate any evidence of what she's done, or there's no, she had no family. She had no real connections until later on during the murders. So what we're going to find is it's, again, with Drifters, they build their own folklore. They build their own idea and make a legend of themselves.

They build their own mythos. Mythos. I liked what you called her the other day, Henry Yosemite Samantha. Yeah. That is kind of what she was. Yeah. And she was also a pretty hardcore narcissist. So it's all, always about her.

Yes. I mean, she, the entire world revolves around Eileen Wernos and she talks, when she talks about her crimes, she talks about it just so flippantly, like not necessarily the murders, but when she talks about like robbery and assault, she calls it like the robin biz. Which is kind of fun. Yeah. And it is, I guess in her mind, it was a business. Yeah.

It is a business. That's how she made her money. Yeah. And given the old tuggy tug and jump. I mean, that's where she made most of her money. And you know, she just wasn't in the, she did not have the family structure to go to Wall Street, which is also the robin business. That makes those people present.

Now, Eileen Curl Wernos was born in a suburb of Detroit on leap day 1956 to Leo Pittman and Diane Wernos, who were both teenagers at the time. Eileen was the youngest of two with her older brother, Keith, being born the year before in 1955, when Eileen's mother was just 15. Now, I have a question about a leap day birth. Uh-huh. These only come around every four years. Yeah.

So are you younger than everybody else? I think technically she was executed at the age of 12. That's not, that's inappropriate then. I think you have, that's kind of the, the key to eternal youth. Never celebrate a birthday. Never celebrate a birthday. Birthdays are for the dying, funerals are for the living. You're really getting it, Mark.

He's starting to understand. Now, remember that sociopaths are neither made nor born. It's more of a combination of the two. And Eileen definitely had both the upbringings and the upbringings and the genetics to make her a serial killer. Eileen's father was known to beat the grandmother who raised him whenever he pleased and he would tie cats together by the tail and throw him over a clothesline to watch him fight it out.

Eileen, Eileen, come over here. You want to, you want to watch your old daddy make the family pets a bolo? That is, so as drug dealers throw shoelaces over the courts to let people know there's cocaine or weed there, is that just like, there's poo poo in our toilet? Like what, why, that's a bad sign. I hate it when they put these Christmas decorations up early. They're so loud. I cannot sleep.

I can't believe it's starting, it is not even Halloween. But worst of all, while Eileen's mother was pregnant with her, Leo Pittman was sent to prison for the rape and attempted murder of a seven year old girl. This guy was a textbook sociopath. Now thankfully, Leo Pittman hung himself in prison in 1959, but that's not to say Diane was parent of the year either. Eileen and Keith were usually left screaming and crying alone with no one to care for, which we see a lot in serial killers like Kenner for Bianchi and again, Henry Lee Lucas.

See when a kid doesn't get any love from anyone in the first three years of their life, an attachment disorder can develop in which they are incapable of forming normal relationships later on, which fit Eileen to a T until she met her very own autist tool in the mid eighties who we'll be discussing later. And if you want to see an example, this is just sad. Watch a, it's on Netflix, it's a video about Russian adoption. Oh God. These kids, it is.

Why are you watching that? If my heart doesn't break three times a day, I don't get to live. It's a curse. In Russia. That's what made me six foot seven. Well, they just have like a big kid and they cut him in half and there's a smaller kid inside that kid and they cut that kid in half and there's a smaller kid inside that kid. Basically.

And then they send them over to somebody here in Pittsburgh because they got, they got bait and switched. Why did someone send me all these dead kids? I don't know. Well, they've been doing this for 20, 30 years. I remember we covered this in high school during debate class. What they do in Russia is these kids just kind of get thrown into these gigantic group pumps, these orphanages and they get absolutely no affection whatsoever, no attachment and

then they get sent to America and they're, they're nightmares. They're sociopaths. It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life. That sounds like fun. Popping all the time, singing songs, you wear brushes on your shoes, cleaning the floors. But it's not a musical. They never sing.

They're not allowed to talk. Well, technically the last number is always they turn into the two kids, one hammer of kids. Oh my God. This is always bad. Oh, brutal. So in 1960, Diane Warnos dropped both their kids off at her parents' place and disappeared forever.

This left Eileen and Keith in the care of Lowry and Brita Warnos who raised them as their own children along with their other two natural borns. Same thing with Jack Nicholson. Really? Yeah. So sometimes these people do turn out good. That guy from The Shining? That guy from The Shining?

You mean acting legend Jack Nicholson? He's not. The guy from The Shining or the Joker? That's also, yeah, legend. Acting legend. Yeah. He's acting. He's not actually Jack Torrance.

That's how you know he's a good actor. He's also. That you think that he's Jack Torrance. Is he also the fat guy who eats the sandwiches on the yacht? No, he is. That's the current role he's playing with his life. Eileen would not found out that her parents were not her own until about the age of 11 and it was not a happy childhood leading up to that.

When Eileen acted up her grandfather would beat her with the belt and we're not talking like regular early 60s type beating that was just kind of socially acceptable. This is bare skin, black belt, leaving bruises and welts type of beatings. These were absolutely brutal. And there is actually a corroboration on this one as Eileen's childhood friend Don Buckins witnessed it happening many times. See Don Buckins actually stayed friends with Eileen throughout her life and Eileen's letters to Don would be collected in the book Dear Don, which we'll be hearing excerpts from

later. So her father, I'm going to do a sports reference. I do want to let everybody know that's about to happen. Thank you for clearing the air. He was a more violent, much wider, Adrian Peterson. He is a running back. He is one of the best running backs in the history of the NFL who beat his son. Yeah, but does that make him a better football player?

No, it actually kind of ruined his whole career. Yeah, of course it did. Well, it's a great joke. It was just a reference. It was I'm sure many of our more sports inclined fans out there love that. I'm sure they laughed and they slapped their knee for one second, not hitting their family. Adrian Peterson. I thought of Scott Peterson.

It's not now the book Dear Don that came out is also very controversial in my eyes because number one, what is it's our main source of information about Eileen's past is that it's her letters and the stuff that she said to vary in various interviews leading up to again. So we don't know what's real and what's not real. We do know that the grandfather and the bad shit that was happening in her house definitely was real because Don cooperated in the book. But the book starts off as like a super like feminist kind of like a stancing type thing. Yeah, well, the intro is written by this one.

Her last name is Chesler and she's one of those like second wave feminists who think that men are scum. Every man is evil. We're not good. Well, nobody's good. Some are good. People suck in general. It's just how it is.

Like Francis, people like him. Fuck Francis. I don't like him. I don't like him. But Francis can go fuck himself. He's lying. He's double deep. Double deep lying.

But Chesler was the one who first put forth the idea of Eileen Wernos as a hero. Yes. And then but then you get to the letters and they'll be like, I'll snap a dick off with my bottom hole. You know, it's all just about her killing something and also about how her favorite band is Arios Speedwagon. She writes for many letters about how Arios Speedwagon is her favorite band. They just have one song, don't they?

I mean, they've got a default canon of songs. No, I know they have. They have more than one, but they have one successful song, isn't it? Yeah. What is it? Gotcha. You know what? Don't even worry about it.

Can't fight this feeling anymore. Is it carry on my way? Can't fight this feeling anymore. Now, Eileen suffered other forms of abuse as well in the psychological form. Her grandparents, natural kids were treated fairly well, but for some reason Eileen was never allowed to receive Christmas presents and was once forced to watch as her grandfather drowned a cat she had been told she couldn't keep. Oh, right.

This is a horrible man. This is all part as we talk about the serial killer soup. Yeah. It's all starting to come together. Yeah. Yeah. And as far as the grandmother went, she was a useless alcoholic who just looked on saying nothing while all this abuse occurred.

And Eileen held it all together until about the age of eight when she started acting out in school. And while her functional IQ was about average, her verbal IQ sat about 20 points lower and this got no better throughout her life. Almost like she was a four-year-old, like a leap year's birth. This is all coming together. Yes. Well, my girlfriend, Carolina, she works with kids and we were watching some interviews

with Eileen Wernos and Eileen Wernos was telling a story and Carolina actually pointed out like she speaks like a child. Like when she tells stories, she has a cadence like a child like that and then, and then, and then, and she also just, she just has a very rich like kind of fantasy world. She can't really tell what's real and what's not and you really see that later on in her life. But a lot of serial killers, like they have a very rich fantasy world like Jeffrey Dahmer, you know, had Infinity Land when he was a kid.

Yeah, which would have been an incredible recording studio name. Amazing. You can start recording, but you can never stop. Continue, continue, continue, continue, or an amusement park with the world's longest log ride. And it's just him. Yeah, it's a log ride that just shaped like a dead Filipino boy, but you have to ride like face down on it, chest to chest with it.

I'm soaking wet with water after that ride. Is this water? You look like a cinnamon bun. Oh man, oh man, it's thicker. But it's kind of like I have a high alien UFO knowledge IQ and a low emotional IQ for speaking to people at the bank. You have a low tolerance for bullshit. Yeah, too real to be your friend.

Well, with a lot of serial killers who have this like really rich fantasy world, what happens when their kids, when they have like these horrific childhoods, the fantasy world and the violent fantasies they have, they get intrinsically linked in those violent fantasies never really go away. And so finally one day that fantasy becomes a reality. And we talk about how serial killers then edge, they do the thing where they slowly but surely create the circumstances where they will start killing, where they want to get there.

And I think Eileen was kind of obviously sexually assaulted, obviously had to deal with a lot of horseshit growing up and started learning, she started to see how I could get some positive quote unquote positive validation from doing bad shit. Yeah. Now, because there was such a large gap in her cognitive and verbal skills, Eileen, she'd get easily frustrated and she developed a hair trigger temper that she would never be able to control. See, if you watch the documentary, the life and death of a serial killer, you can see

her temper on display again and again. When the documentary maker says something she doesn't like, just something switches in her brain, her eyes bug out of her head, and it is not hard to imagine that that bug eyed face would be the last one you see before she pulls a gun and shoots your ass. She reminds me, I'm not going to completely say of my mom, but it's like that look, they always say like the look, like my mom, my mom, it's a bit, a famous bit in many, many various family friendly standup bits. Absolutely.

But it is like that where it is, she is very frightening. Yeah. It seems like she could just flip it right back into, okay, see you later. She absolutely can. She absolutely can, because there is actually like one part where she is like really railing at this guy and yelling like, they're daring me to kill again. And then a couple of minutes later, she's like, okay, bye, good to see you, give hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, I'm a hugger.

She would say that a lot, I'm a hugger. That is horrifying. Yeah. I mean, from a young age, she was horrendously difficult to get along with, which isolated her, which made her angry, which isolated her even further. And as far as learning in school, when she was diagnosed with hearing and vision problems, but her grandmother just didn't give a shit. She blamed all of Eileen's problems on just quote, not paying attention.

You know what she needed? A Michelle Pfeiffer. She needed a hero teacher and I'm actually saying, Living in a drifter's paradise. Turning up the butter. That's weird. Weird Al. Weird Al.

You know, it's like, you really wonder what would have happened if only somebody would have given a fuck at one point in her life, you know, and that really, that's a lot of serial killers. Also, I find it very interesting to note that the main problem they find, they say that if the reason why you're not making it up the bridge is not paying attention, it's amuse. It's true. It's having too steep a gradient.

Yeah. Scientology didn't help you just sneak in Scientology. You are never allowed to read Dianetics ever again. El Run Hubbard. He died. I know he died. And so, don't talk about him. I'm very worried about you.

I have wired Scientology words and terms into my brain. You did this. Dude, if- No, don't point me at this. I didn't do anything. You've been bitching at us to do Scientology episode for years. Yes. If you become a Scientologist, your head is in the toilet.

No, no, no, no. I don't like the dictionary enough. Now, Eileen went back and forth as to whether her grandfather sexually abused her or not, but her behavior starting at around the same time she found out her grandparents weren't actually her real parents points to a resounding yes he did, or at least someone did. Yeah. At around 11, Eileen started taking boys out into the woods to trade sexual favors for cigarettes which earned her the horrific nickname, cigarette pin.

It's a great nickname if you're like an affrat in college. I am pretty certain that was a nickname of mine. I am pretty certain. Ben's cigarette pig kissle. Yeah. Why do they call you cigarette pig? Look at him. Especially back in the day, the old fat pictures of him, him with this thing of marbles hanging

out of his sleeve, he's definitely a cigarette big pig. Bigger than a pig, yeah. More than a few boys later said they lost their virginity to her out in the woods, sometimes five or six at a time. Also kissle in college. Yeah. They took a lot of boys out to the woods. Many of them said that when Eileen would try to take one of those sexual relationships

public, the boys would either pretend they never met her or would viciously reject her. This is something you see in childhood sexual abuse victims quite a bit. She obviously, I think she had to have been sexually assaulted. She had to have been sexually assaulted because they start using sex as a kind of validation, a kind of currency. Because their whole idea of affection has been corrupted by somebody that you trust most of the time. Normally, somebody that you trust came in, destroyed your idea of connection because

now your view, this is like a dirty thing because they make your sexuality is a dirty secret thing and now you could have to use it as a weapon almost. And also it's like a weird way. It's like, this is how I get my grandfather's attention and this is now how I will get the neighborhood's attention. It's very bizarre. And being taken in foster kids, many of them had sexual abuse. And you can tell.

I mean, it is the worst thing you can do to a child. It robs you of everything. It really does. It cores you out as a person. I saw the kids, I mean, honestly, I do the, I'm talking to the bit about how I was the only boy in the alter boy crew to not be molested. All the rest of them, you can't find them on Facebook. And I don't know if that just straight up means they're dead or they're just not around,

like just not around. Well, I mean, plenty of, I mean, you can come back from it. Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, plenty of people come back from childhood sexual abuse, but it takes a lot of work. It takes a ton of work, but a lot of people don't. Can't graduate to being a drifter killer and expect to make the proper work. No, you're not going to find a good trucker counselor. You just need to drive more.

Is that it? Yeah. That's what I do every single time I have a problem, I leave it in another city. I do miss, I do miss like, what was it, the 80s where trucking was cool. It is cool. I love it. I love a truck driver. My father was a truck driver.

More of the 70s. I mean, you had like truck driving hits. I've actually got a pretty good collection of cassette tapes that are all collections of country songs about trucking that you could buy at truckstots. I've got like six volumes and it's just two sides of nothing but trucking songs. Convoy. Yeah. Six days on the road, 18 wheels and a dozen roses.

Oh, they're actually songs about trucking. No, it is literally. It's not like knock off Leonard Skinner's song. It's six volumes of nothing but trucking songs driving about songs about songs about driving. Interesting. So right from wheels on a bus to 18 wheels, actually 18 wheels and a dozen roses by Kathy Matea is a beautiful song.

It's actually one of my favorite songs. Oh my. Don't sing. Okay. That's fine. On a 10 day ride. It's like it's all, it's just all shitty versions of term the page. At 14, Wernos got pregnant.

No one knows for sure who the father was, but the rumor put the child to chief the local pedophile. Again, I don't understand how they have a local pedophile. How isn't there a local sheriff that arrests the local pedophile? You didn't grow up in a small town. Yeah, it's definitely. It wasn't that big. I'll tell you what.

It's not a voluntary position. I don't. You weren't told you weren't the town pedophile. Oh, is, oh, you're, you're like knighted? The town pedophile. I mean, it's an unofficial ceremony. Oh, I see. It's really weird sometimes in these, cause she grew up in like a small suburb.

It is really weird sometimes, you know, and I had that too when I was a kid is that there was the guy that like everyone knows that dude is a pedophile. Cause he's always fiddling. Yeah. He's, yeah. He's fiddling about. And he's doing the same thing, the Albert Fish thing. It's like any man over the age of 19 wearing overalls with no clothes on underneath it.

Right. He's not a pedophile or he's, he's mentally handicapped and live it in a shack. Yep. Now according to other kids, this guy chief, the local pedophile, he used to peel the shells off chicken eggs just before the chicks were ready to hatch just so he could watch them die. And he's the treasury secretary now. Treasury secretary.

Yeah. Treasury secretary. Treasury secretary. And for the duration of the pregnancy, Eileen was sent to the Florence Crittenton home for unwed mothers and gave birth to a boy she named Keith after her brother. And speaking of her brother, Eileen claimed that she had a sexual relationship with her brother, but with all things Eileen, that's got to be taken with a grain of salt. No one else corroborated that and that's also something that she went back and forth

on. Do you think she fucked her brother? I'm really not sure. I mean, it's, it's definitely possible, but it could be one of those things where she's just says as many fucked up things as she possibly can just to get her eyes. But we don't know who the father of this child is. No. Is it possible she named it Keith because Keith is the father?

I think Keith is just the only male name she can remotely stand. Now the baby was given up for adoption and Eileen returned to Michigan where her grandfather Lowry kicked her out of the house as soon as she got back. And Eileen then lived in the woods at the end of the street left to fend for herself in the Michigan winters. Her having that kid was kind of like the kickoff to her whole life. That was the first but biggest like getting kicked out of the house that like changed her because now she knows like, oh, once she learns that I can go into the woods of fucking

Michigan and live and survive and figure it out. She starts now being like, okay, I have all the tools I need. I can just take my, my show on the road. Yeah. Also, she got a lot of positive attention from being pregnant. I think that when she finally went to the hospital and there were like finally actually caring for her. I think that time when she was pregnant was one of the most pleasant stretches of time

she had. Well, she got sent to one of those homes, homes for unwed mothers and I don't know. Some of them are very nice. I don't know how nice. I mean, the Florence Crittenton homes are still around to this day. So they just like slapping her belly being like, get out of there. Is it bad? That bad?

I don't know. Well, I know she gave birth. She saw the child once and then it was given up for adoption. Okay. Yeah. But when she got back living in the woods, she still had friends. She still hung out because it wasn't like she went out like six miles outside of town and was living like a little shanty out there.

It was the woods at the end of her street. This was like before urban sprawl. So like, you know, you had suburbs where cities would just suddenly end and then it's just the woods. So she went down to the end of her street and just lived in the woods and she would actually, there were other kids living in the woods. Oh, yeah. There was an interview.

The guy that said that he saw the local pedophile peel the chicken eggs. That guy, he was like some poor like gay kid who got kicked out of his house and he made a little fort out of tree stumps and lived out there with her. If they were animated characters, this is fun. This was. If Peter Pan was, Peter Pan is actually a pedophile. This is actually. This is Heathcliff.

Yeah. This is Heathcliff in practice. And she's Heathcliff. Cool. But then she would drive you because you could imagine because literally it's the grandparents are like pulling into the house, like driving back and forth from the store and just see and Eileen live it in the streets, like down the street from the house and her like just giving them a middle finger as they just drive past you.

It's a very strange existence. It's also a very, what a good Christian establishment all of this shit is because it's like literally people just like seeing problems and ignoring them. Everywhere. I mean, the most of people would help her out is like some of them would have, you know, like abandoned cars in their yard, you know, up on blocks and like, yeah, you can sleep in there tonight. And that's when she was lucky.

When she was lucky, she'd have an abandoned car to sleep. And sometimes she would have a blanket. Sometimes not. Well, we've done our Christian duty. We're letting her sleep in the blown out Cadillac. But don't worry. I pulled out the air freshener so it smells like my old ass. That's, that's about right.

But like I said, she still had friends. This is one of her childhood friends talking about all the shit they used to get into together. And they lived right here, and they were druggies also, and we used to hang together and go over there and smoke pot and do whatnot and getting all kinds of shit. But lots of different drugs. Yes. Lots of hills, actually. Hills.

LSD. Mescaline. Bladder acid. Um, yes. She was like Eugene Levy's wife from Best In Show. Was it Catherine O'Hara character? She's so good. Yes.

Yes. Her body language on that is great. Like her eyes bug out, her head goes back, she leans over to the side like, yeah. Yeah. Yes. You know what it is to, you know, real drug users? Not us. We are, we dabble.

Real drug users call it mescaline. Mescaline? Yes. Because that's like a Hunter S. Thompson term. If you can lean, you can do mescaline. Because you will only be leaning. You got time to lean. Yes.

Mescaline. Yes. Eileen kept attending school briefly until she quit her freshman year. Here's how it all went down according to a letter she wrote to Dawn. And this is a very special presentation here. Now, um, we felt that maybe it was inappropriate for me to play Eileen Warnows as I normally would with our main characters in our series. But what we decided to do is toss the rock to my bloodline.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Jackie Zabrowski. Woo! Jackie Zabrowski. Here she is. It's your time. Do you remember the fact me and greasy-haired Penny Dole and I had at the front steps of

Troy Union grade school? Do you remember when Lori and Ducky got in that car accident? Do you remember a guy with real long, jet-black hair named Black Sheep at the high school? One day him and I, we went underneath the stairwell near the new section they built. You had the swinging doors that had outside. Once he hit the bottom of the steps, well, he had a four-finger lid of Acapocco Gold. We went under there to roll a big one, smoke it right there. We heard footsteps coming down.

But we figured it was just another kid on his way out to somewheres. So we finished rolling it. Started to light it and low and behold, ooh, it was the principal. He looked at us both and said, report to my office now. Black Sheep gave me the lid and he started up the stairs. I said to the principal, Bullshit, I ain't going nowhere. Matter of fact, I quit school right now. He said, well, then you get off these school grounds right now, Wernos, and if I ever see

you on them again, I'll call the police. You understand? I walked out the double doors with the pot and that was the day I quit school. What was really strange was that the principal knew I wasn't living at home, but in the woods. Well, I guess he admired me for having the guts to still go to school as a runaway, living in the woods near your house. A trip, huh? Well, last page got a closer up.

Take care, Dawn. I'm still surviving. A little crazy, but still coming through. For now, lovely. Whatever happened to the bad girl from the breakfast club? This is that. This is the end result of the bad girl from the breakfast club. This is also if the breakfast club was just all homeless people.

Yes, interesting. I mean, she's got that manic energy of somebody because, you know, someone will tell you that story because it's actually a very sad story. Yeah, it is. It's her quitting school. But it's pretty much that's the story of her dropping out of life and her in the beginning of her just becoming a drifter until she was finally caught for murder. But she tells it like it is the funniest, most fun thing you ever heard.

You just kind of have to sit there like, wow, yeah, you are a bad ass. But it's really not that. I mean, my friend did the exact same thing, but he had a parents who were just like, no, you're going back to school. You just needed a safety net. She just needed anything. But she needed the woods. She needed any sort of support system whatsoever, and she had none.

And but also she did flip it, flip and reverse it to being super proud. Yeah. Yes, she was. She loved it. She loved the fact that and it was true. Like I that we were talking about when we were like talking with Jackie about the letters about she truly did was like, and like, I think that he did admire me for still going to school, even though I was homeless.

Like it was like, that's not true. It's like he didn't admire you. He's probably very concerned about you. It's actually, well, I don't think he was concerned enough about her and it is admirable to be homeless and go to school. Yeah. I mean, no one, the fact that she survived until freshman year ninth grade is impressive. I mean, I know, like, I've heard stories from listeners out there who've done that exact

same thing. I mean, we've had people out there that that were actually homeless and then got out of it. And they figured out their shit. Yeah, they figured out their shit. And you know, because I think there's a lot of people out there. And I know this because we have gotten letters from people who listen to the childhood stories of serial killers and they write to us like, man, like, I fucking, I get it.

I was there. But you know what? I didn't become a serial killer because there are hundreds of, there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who had the exact same childhood as Eileen Wernos or Henry Lee Lucas or John Wayne Gacy. And you know what? They don't fucking kill anybody. And a lot of them actually turn out to be pretty fantastic people because they've had

to have the strength to actually get through all this. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. In 2015, her grandmother, Britta, died of cirrhosis of the liver. Eileen showed up at the funeral in jeans, walked up to the coffin, lit a cigarette and blew smoke in her dead grandmother's face. See that's pretty cool.

It is kind of cool. So far, I'm kind of best friends with her because I was best friends with people that did this exact same stuff. Right now, this is the beginning to an incredible Susan Sarandon movie. Yeah. Well, needless to say, she was kicked out of the funeral, but not before she inexplicably switched out the signs on the men's and women's restrooms. It's just a fun little funeral goof.

That is funny. Now that you're going there, you could just see grandma taking a shit. Isn't that funny? We are in the urinal. Oh yeah. It says women's. This is a funny. This must be one of these new Asian toilets.

It's Asian. I know. Oh, I got all sorts of duke in my heels. Oh my. Harney's gonna hate this. So with the only person who even came close to being a caregiver, now dead, Eileen began her lifelong career as a drifter of the roadside hitchhiking prostitute variety. Ironically, the same career as many serial killer victims.

That's kind of why she works as a feminist icon. The idea is she's flipping it. It's Batman. It's become the thing that everyone fears. Yeah. But she, I mean, she's still a fucking murderer. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's always, always remember that she is a murderer. Batman doesn't kill. He did not kill. Yeah. Okay.

Watch the movie. No. Do you remember when he's on his little motorcycle bike and then traffic, he destroys all the cars? No. That's why a lot of people don't like the movie. The real Batman would not kill people. He does not.

He does not kill. That is not direct kills at his collateral damage. And guess what? Well, we all know what is our government has taught us again and again to make an omelet. Sometimes you gotta burn a couple of villages. Yeah. Apparently Adam West, he's my Batman. Yeah.

He's gonna kill me with charm and kind of be unfat. I like that when men could kind of be fat. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah. George Reeves, the original Superman. He was actually a fat man. Yeah. But he could still fly.

Tapped. D did not fly. No. No. Yeah. I mean, she did have the same career as a lot of serial killer victims, but that really does show you how fucking tough Eileen Wernos actually was. He survived that life for 15 years before finally going down for murder, but that's

not to say she didn't get into plenty of drifter trouble along the way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Put in your 18 wheel CD. We're about to go trucking. CD motherfucker. I got a tape deck. Oh. Convoi.

I just like saying convoi. It is fun. In May of 1974, Eileen was arrested in Colorado for DUI disorderly conduct and to start discharging a weapon from a moving vehicle, but she skipped town before she did any time. Now, in a letter Wernos wrote to Dawn years later, she said that at about this time, Eileen found a decapitated and dismembered torso of a young girl under a bridge off I80 right outside of Chicago. And Eileen said that when she attempted to report it to a truck driver, the guy couldn't

give less of a fuck and just drove off. So nurse, you got to finally meet my wife, Lisa. Seems like you did it. Yes, I did. Yeah. Never report any corpses on the side as a judge. Truckers will. They're always the one that left the body.

Yeah. I mean, there's a reason why the American highway system has been littered with bodies for decades and big jugs of piss. Gatorade bottles that is not, you know, you know, jumping yellow. That is. That is urine. Now, although there is more than a decade between this supposed incident and the murders, it could show some insight into the paranoia that could have driven Eileen to kill if these

were the types of memories that were swirling around in her head. On the other hand, it could also show her talent for making up stories that justify her actions. And this is the dilemma of Eileen Wernos. If you believe this version, then she was the victim of a world that didn't care about people like her, and so she was fighting back as an Avenger on the side of other prostitutes who were the victims of so many serial killers throughout the years. But if you believe other versions of the story she's told, then there exists in the world

terrible people that can kill multiple victims and call blood for a little pocket change in a couple of days. Joyride in a car who then lie about it to try and save her own ass. If we've learned anything, however, about drifters in our time here on Last Podcast, the latter explanation is a hell of a lot more likely. I gotta say Jumpin' Yellow also sounds like a great name for a knockoff Gatorade. And if she was an actual Avenger like next to Hawkeye and Captain America, that would be fun.

They call me the Gulchfiller. If you would actually like to read a comic book that it would kind of be like what if Eileen Wernos was an Avenger or in the Justice League, read The Pro by Garth Innes. It is fucking hilarious and amazing. And again, this is what makes her truly a drifter killer. Drifter killers are full of shit. They're always lying. They're always telling bullshit in order to exploit vulnerabilities.

Like Henry Lee Lucas, he was lying in order to show people, like he knew he was getting better treatment because he would lie about the many fake victims that he did in order to get out of jail and go show them, quote unquote, bodies and do all of this shit. So it's like you get a lot of stuff for your lives. Yeah. And your father saw him doing that, didn't he? Yeah. He actually did in Colorado City, Texas.

You know, my dad actually did see like Henry Lee Lucas out on one of his little outings. My dad was eating in a diner and they brought in Henry Lee Lucas to have a burger. You know, where he's most other murderers and drifter killers are rotten in jail. Henry Lee Lucas was able to lie his way into road trips. And that's how powerful lying is. Look at our fucking president. Oh, absolutely. It's so powerful.

It's chaos magic. Every president in history, every politician ever. Now, in Eileen's 20th year, her grandfather committed suicide by gassing himself in his garage, by closing the door and letting his car engine run, but Eileen did not attend that funeral, even to say fuck you one last time. Man, that must have been a happy trip to the garage. I was definitely thinking about farting. I was thinking, but then it's not he gassing himself.

No, it's car exhaust. It's carbon monoxide poisoning. But look what happened to the guy from office space. You're just saying like a funny. He made a million dollars. He got it. Yeah. It's a jump to conclusions.

A few months later, Eileen was arrested for knocking out a bartender by throwing a cue ball at his head. Four days after that arrest, her brother Keith died of cancer, leaving her a life insurance policy of $10,000. I read a very brutally sad letter in Dear Dawn of Eileen talking about going to visit her brother in hospice, and it was her showing up. And it's just, of course, delusional because in her eyes, she's a hero, but she showed up trying to bring Keith whiskey while he was in the hospital bed, and she was wasted

as well. She was all fucked up. She rolled in like to be in like, and they kicked me out because they didn't want me to be a part of his life and like this like whole like long thing. And I was like, no, man, you just brought a whole you was chain smoking in a hospice room dumping whiskey all over your dying brother that you were probably also telling everybody you used to fuck. Yeah.

Well, that's how people like this are that they show up drunk like it's something cute. Like, oh, you know, I was wasted. But you know, I don't know why that should matter. It's like Anne Hathaway in that movie, which movie where she's a drunk. I don't know the listeners know what I'm talking about. Princess Diary. No, it's not Princess Diary. She was far too sober in that.

Now that $10,000 that she got from her brother, the life insurance policy, this was a huge chance for Eileen to turn her life around. I mean, $10,000 in 1974 money. That is over $50,000 in today's cash enough to jumpstart a small business gone in two months. Damn. And a lot of that money she spent on a luxury car that she wrecked beyond repair pretty soon after buying it.

I saw I saw I was reading a story recently about Ozzy Osbourne doing the same exact thing. Yeah, but he had a whole bunch of money to back it up and then everything was fine because Sharon took care of him. He had a safety net. Now, eventually Eileen made her way down to Florida. There she got picked up by a wealthy retiree and yacht club president named Lewis Fell, 49 years older than the 20 year old, Warnos. The two got hitched.

Fell announced the marriage in the local society papers because he was very proud of his 20 year because I had this point. Yeah. Eileen Warnos was still, she had a cuteness about her. Everybody get around. Get around. This is my precious new wife, Eileen. Get around.

The yacht to president is going to speak, everyone. Get around. There's nothing I love better than my sweet, sweet new wife, Eileen. She's got a beautiful smile on them eyes. Black. Like a doll's eye. Yacht club president, everybody. The yacht club president, yeah.

Well, Eileen took Fell back up to mission to show off both him and her new engagement ring because this guy was loaded. But soon that drifter lifestyle came back at Colin. I told him, you go out there and you find her a beautiful wife. And I said, I'll go find a wife and I'll bring her back. The head, the tail, the whole damn thing. Black eyes are rolling back, beautiful, beautiful. Then a hundred men went in, ten men came out.

Sir, that's your Vietnam story, sir. No, no, that's the story of Eileen's past as a prostitute. Oh, okay. Yacht club president. Black eyes. Like a doll? Like a doll's eyes. Beautiful woman, sir.

Well, she returned to the same old bars and friends and Fell, understandably at 79 years old, wanted no part of this life. Right. And that's what they do ahead when Eileen beat him half to death with his own cane because as she told friends, he only doled out money 30 bucks at a time. Oh, you got to give him more money than that. You beat a 79 year old man half to death. He's already half to death.

That'll kill him. That's a quarter towards death. Whoa. But I would say, yeah, I mean, you're 79 years old. To be honest, you got to pay more money to have a 20 year old bride. Oh, that's very true. That's worth 30 bucks a day. Yeah.

You should have seen when Ann and Nicole Smith was getting from her billionaire. She was getting quite a bit of candy. And it well deserved. But think about what he got. Yeah. Just like a guest gene model. He thought that she was a living couch, though. He didn't know what she actually looked like.

He just squeezed on her breast thinking that he was back in the womb. His kids were so upset with him. But if I had a billionaire father, it's like, I don't want your money, dude. Go. Yeah. Get in on Nicole Smith. Yeah. Have fun.

You're making it five more years at most. Have fun. She'll have fun. You'll have fun. Get yourself a sugar baby. I don't think anyone was having fun. Did you see him eating cake? I mean, kind of getting it smeared on his face, but he was also kind of eating it.

And she was having fun until she, you know, lost her mind and started wearing clown makeup all the time. Well, technically, that was her having the most fun. Yeah. Her lawyer, Howard Sturr, not the Howard Sturr. He was the one to blame. Yeah. I did not like that guy.

I did not like that guy either. Ann and Nicole. R.I.P. R.I.P. After the attack, the old man learned his lesson, returned to Florida and annulled the marriage and Eileen never saw him again. Well, that's what happens when you go to, uh, it never really happened lawyers. But it wasn't all bad times for Eileen.

This is a letter she wrote to Dawn from prison detailing a night she had on the road with one of the biggest bands of the 70s. Say, remember the song, Slow Ride by Fog Hat? I was in my teens, thumbing to Lauderdale off I-95 early in the evening, comes this boss looking vehicle, similar to this one enclosed, and guess who was picking me up? You still guessing? Good. Keep on for at least five more minutes.

Eileen. Geez. Okay. Alright. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

You turn the page. Don't get jealous. It was Lonesome Dave, lead vocals for Fog Hat, for real. He took me over to his place for him and basically all the band lived. In Juno Beach, Florida, this joint was huge, like a mansion. I got so stoned with him, I can't recall how long I stayed with him, but anyway, the place was Al Capone's old stomping ruins, and it was specially equipped with a helicopter landing on top, and likewise came with some more mafia tricks of the trade and the river

it sat on, an underground boat entrance, and of course, I wound up going to bed with him. Typical. I couldn't help it, sis, the opportunity was there, and it was so unique, especially with as hot of a band as they were then. I couldn't pass it up, so I did, and God was here, small, so tiny I couldn't find it. That bad, huh? Unfortunately. Yes!

It just, it was so sad, just so sad. Can you imagine the humiliation of being outed and having a small dick by a serial killer? Sad. But you get the feeling she really did have sympathy for him, for having such a small pecker. I guess that's where the song Slow Ride came from, and where the name Lonesome Dave came from. You're the lead singer of one of the most famous bands in the world and you're still

lonesome. You're no Tommy Lee, I'll tell you that. Lonesome Dave. Why'd they call you lonesome? Hey. Yep. You know, you ever have that problem where it's like, you're trying to pee, but like, you just keep peeing inside your pants because it can't reach outside the fly?

I never. Lonesome Dave strikes again. Actually, Foghead, I found this out, they were British. Fuck that. I didn't know that. Can you believe that, the Foghead? I mean, yeah, I just want to make love to you and Slow Ride, British. That makes me mad.

That's us. That's us. Can you imagine how a British man reacted to Eileen Werner's story? Oh, you're a bit of a hippie to sculpt, they aren't they? Oh, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Rich Way there, right? All right.

Give it up. All right. You got something to run, eh? All right. I just want to make love to you was more of a cry for help because he could. I just want to make love to you. Oh, man. So by 1981, Eileen had ended up back in Daytona and was living with a man named David Watts,

a 52-year-old auto worker. It was smooth sailing for about two months until Eileen's temper flared up, which resulted in a big knockdown drag out. And Eileen, thinking the relationship was over, got drunk on a good beer whiskey pills cocktail, put on a bikini and robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, making off with a few bucks and two packs of cigarettes. I'm going to make a bold prediction. If they were a pale and we'll do that next week, that would be kind of hot.

It would be kind of hot. Although, yeah. No, she was, of course, arrested moments later, stumbling down the road drunk. But that was the plan all along. She thought that this whole stunt would cause Watts to come to her aid, pay her bail and take her home, proving he loved her. This is the thing, ladies, men are not psychic. We don't know that you were just putting yourself in jail just so that we could come

and bail you out and prove how much we love. Tell us. Communicate to us what you want, ladies. The only problem with that is she had just committed armed robbery. Yeah. Did not think that through. Where did she hide the money? To stuff it in the bikini.

Yeah. But she had a... It's got to go one place. She had a big front. I see. It just seems like, yeah, not what you should wear while taking a bunch of money. She called it her corrupted coin purse for a reason. Is it Prada?

That whole incident earned her a three-year sentence for her troubles. She only served one year, but while in prison, she placed a personal ad in a biker magazine for which she received hundreds of replies. Upon her release, she chose a 47-year-old engineer named Ed and hitched up to D.C. to live with him, borrowing his car to go back and forth between there and her old boyfriend David's place in Florida, usually stealing a thing or two at each place to take to the other. Why is this?

This is such a Florida relationship. Yeah. I don't understand the whole like, I'm fucking my ex, but I'm living with a new dude, and we're both like laughing about how I'm stealing shit from my ex, but I'm still blowing my ex, but I'm taking stuff and he's like, take whatever you want, because that's how the relationship... Florida's fucked up. I know women have it very difficult in a lot of ways, but I do emphasize she had men

to choose from. Yeah. Like, there's still always a lot of options. I'm not the best, man. But she did have a lot of options for relationships. Yes. And at this point, so now she's in her mid-20s, still kind of put together. Yeah, she's in her mid to late-20s here, yeah.

And after a hellish three months of living with this woman, Ed finally managed to get rid of her after she drank so much one night she had to be hospitalized. Lee, Lee, listen, I love you, I love our special bond, but you are a lot different than your biker magazine letters. Said you were. All right, I thought we were going to start a business together. And biker magazines, as trucker magazines are, usually people don't lie that much. They're fairly honest with their flaws.

Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. They're very similar to the magazines from Twin Peaks that Laura Palmer was in the back of. Yeah, yeah, and actually I had a buddy whose dad was a trucker and he used to leave those magazines just laying around his house. They were disgusting, but you know, we were like 13, so we'd still look through them. My father refused to allow people to swear on the CB.

Dad was a truck driver. And he was a preacher truck driver, and he saved a lot of lives. I think also he saved lives, but the majority of preacher truck drivers take a lot of lives. I think they're responsible for more deaths than normal truck drivers. No swearing. Let's remember that. Now, if you haven't figured out, Eileen had a bit of a tumultuous history when it came to relationships.

Here's another letter to Don, talking about one of her stranger encounters. So I was dating a couple of officers. This police officer, John Amon, takes me over to his house, right? He wants to watch a few videos on sex, okay with me. No problem. So we watch a few. Then he looks over me and says, Lee, you want to see one that'll really trip you? Me?

Sure. So he pulls this video out from behind the TV. There's four of his buddies in uniform. Then he explains the four women are three of the officer's wives, one of girlfriend. And the department shepherd is there. The four male officers in uniform now. Their seat has started cornholing each other in the ass while one's screwing a girl, then two are making out with each other.

And next, it flicks onto the girlfriend of the officer. She's getting bald by a dog. I flipped out, all right? I told him to hurry up and shut the tape off. And I just sat there with a drink in my hand, Gosling down going, God. And these are cops. Then he tells me he was the video man screening the whole thing. Oh, I started to climb dating him.

And finally, I was just not seeing him anymore. Every time I saw the officers, I just wanted to spit good hawks in their faces. Sick animals. Well, seems like they used to be no more, I'll tell you what. All right, I gotta go now. You take care. Hope to hear from you soon. For now.

Lovely. Aileen was really the Samantha of her group of friends. Yeah, I just love that story. Okay. Bye. Bye. I mean, that's every single story that she wrote. I mean, she would, you know, that letter that she wrote about finding the decapitated

corpse on the high, I was like, that was the time that Lee found the decapitated corpse. All right, bye. It also seems like all scenes from the Real Housewives of Tallahassee, that was a reality show. And it's this weird, strange scenario that she's describing just as flippantly as anything. Like she witnessed a bestiality, bestiality, if true. If it's not full of shit, but at the same time, again, you remember that video. Yeah.

Because I do, you'd see it in me like, well, wow, wow. Never put a VHS tape in unless it says Uncle Buck, and then that is actually Uncle Buck. Wait a minute, I was dating this cop officer and he's like, do you want to see this video I made to really trip you out? And I was like, me? Yeah, for sure. And he put it in and this circle showed up and then an upside down chair was spinning around and around and then this crazy well and we get a phone call later and it's in

seven days. And I was like, what is this? All right, bye, Lee. Bye. Bye. After Ed Eileen drifted her way back down to Florida and continued her criminal and prostitution careers, she also started carrying a gun. She was arrested for possession of a stolen pistol while driving a stolen car.

Then she was arrested again for an unlawful possession of a firearm. And then she was arrested for pulling a gun on a John and demanded $200. Now we're watching her escalate. She's starting to kind of get bored with herself. Because at the part of it, too, there's also the HH Holmes, Elron Humberd now style of my lies are getting too simple and my life is too uncomplicated. I need more drama. And she had also, when she was living with that Ed guy, he said that she would just sit

there and talk all the time about these fantasies that she had about living this like Bonnie and Clyde outlaw lifestyle, which she'd pretty much just kill and rob her way across the United States. I mean, I was like, I just thought we were going to sit drink beers and watch the wheel. Oh, I love the wheel. Yeah, but that's how it works with serial killers. They start that fantasy, but Eileen was verbalizing her fantasy because it also validated her whole existence.

Yeah, as that you can then erase all of the horrible shit she came from if she became a fucking like wandering desperado. Now, the only thing that kept Eileen out of prison was her talent for running and her long list of aliases, which included names like Cammie Green, Susan Lynn Blahovic and Laurie Christine Grote. Really people give themselves aliases like John Henseman or like, you know, like Glorious Pete. My, my aliases, Wynton Arthur Danforth, the third, and she was such a jerk off, but she

went with she went with Grote and what was it, Black, Blackovic? Blackovic. Yeah. Let's call me Randy Bucket Bottom. Why sir? Look at my bottom. Makes sense. Like a round, like a big, oh saucy bucket of paint.

After I, after Ed Eileen switched over to the other side and had a brief relationship with a woman named Tony, but Eileen said after she bought Tony a pressure clean in business, Tony ran off with the tank while Eileen was out buying boots. What a perfect business for a lesbian couple, a pressure cleaning business, something about it, just two lesbians just clean in the front of a barnacle covered building. Why not? But in 1986 Eileen would finally find the oddest tool to her Henry Lee Lucas and Tyra Ty Moore when the two met in a Daytona gay bar appropriately named Zodiac.

Zodiac. It's a really cool name for a bar. Yeah. Ty had moved to Florida from Ohio, lot not of her small hometown that wouldn't accept her as a lesbian, and for four years the two would live together in spare rooms, trailers, hotel rooms, and even the woods if times were tough, but that was alright for the most part as their favorite hobbies were shooting guns and drinking beer, which are both wonderful activities for the woods.

Oh my god. For great activities for the woods. Chasing squirrels. Oh my god. Counting leaves. How many leaves do you count? I think I got five, but you know what, I don't think I can count past five. It's always just five.

Yeah, that's a hell of a time. Yeah. Your guns and woods. Yeah, man. But unlike the Henry Lee Lucas-Odysse Tool relationship, Ty had no real criminal record and actually made an honest living as a hotel maid most of the time. Ty, listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. You know your progress report's coming up.

Yeah. Again, I want to say you're doing great. The faucets have been crazy shiny. Yeah. TVs have been incredibly polished, dust free, but we've been getting some letters. Is it? Visibly covered in pine cones. And I believe, and I don't want to come at you for your sexual beliefs or your religious

tendencies or whatever it is, but I believe that is a squirrel living in your hair. Yeah. Yeah. So are we going to do something- You know what? Smell me. Maple. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why the rim smells so nice. Fantastic. Yeah. Employee of the month. I mean, she continued her work as a highway prostitute. She actually said when she was arrested that she hadn't held an actual job since like 1984. But she is working her ass off, I'll tell you that. She made fairly good money for a drifter, actually.

Yeah. Because she says she was pulling in $300, $400 a night hooking. Sometimes. It was either somewhere between like $20, sometimes like $300 or $400 dependent. But you have to be honest. You need to have some kind of charm about you. Oh, absolutely. Because she's not doing it for high rates.

No. And especially in Florida, the competition is steep. Yeah. You're talking to look like $5 a tug, right? How much would be for a tug? I think she would- I think like $10 to $20. Yeah.

So that's a lot of- I mean, there's a whole list. You know, you got your tugs- Around the world. You're around the world. Upside down. Your front backs. Yeah.

Clowning around. There's clowning around. There's ringmastering around. There's horsing around. Mm-hmm. You got the John Mullen. You don't want to get into the John Mullen. Oh, goodness.

Now, although this is a huge exaggeration, Eileen said she slept with 250,000 men over her career. Now, if we do a little fuck math here, that would mean- And this is- is this a common core thing, because I can't do common core. No, it's fuck math. Oh, okay. Yeah, fuck math. That would mean that she would have had to sleep with an average of 35 men per day every

day beginning at the age of 15. She is the wilt chamberlain of drifters. If wilt chamberlain had a vagina the size of a mailbox. Yeah. It's- I mean, now, when she says that, though, is she only talking about full-on sex or maybe all sexual acts? Because I guess it's possible that- If you do 35 per night every night-

If you- if you just count, like, winkin' at a boy as a sexual act, maybe that is. Call me a sex offender. All I do is wink. At boys? Don't wink. Never wink. Now, while Ty was pretty much Eileen's whole world, Ty would have friends from work over to whatever hotel room they happened to be crashing in at the time, and these visits

invariably set off Eileen's jealous streak. Almost every friend who came over had the same thing to say about Eileen. She was outwardly friendly, but there was something mean and menacing underneath, which would come out with the slightest provocation. And we've all hung out with people like that. They're laughing, they're smiling, they're having a good time, but you just get a feeling from them. It's like a bath.

Yeah. It's that pitbull feel. And you don't know what's gonna trigger them because you don't know their mind, and it's very bizarre. It's always- we had a guy that would always do that, where at some point in the night he was always, like, punchin' himself in the face. Yeah. But- so he wouldn't punch you.

He's a doctor now. Is he really? Yes. Good for him. Now, in one incident, just before the murders began, Ty had a friend over to the Casadel Mar Hotel for a Thanksgiving meal of frozen turkey TV dinners. Ooh. Some people think that's sad, but I think that's fun.

Honestly, I think it's kind of fun. It's way fun. But it's fun because it's so sad. I used to have TV dinners all the time. See, I don't think they were having this- this wasn't their ironic Thanksgiving. No. I don't do it. I don't do it.

I'll never eat anything ironically. Don't even- that's ridiculous. But I do think that because of this, they should change the name of the meal to Hungry Woman. I agree with that 100%. And I believe, since I'm a third waiver, it should be Hungry People. I- you- you're right. I think it should be People in Neat- No, Hungry People with a food deficiency set meals for

them they seek. We should call it Glop. Yeah. That's just- that's- The friend said that Eileen seemed friendly, but didn't eat, instead chose to just stare at her throughout the whole meal. So Eileen, what's your new diet plan? I'll stare. And wait for a goddamn reason to do something.

How do you like a turkey? Salty, right? It is good. Turkey. I love you. I hate you. Which one? I don't know.

The turkey is good. You want to taste my turkey? Absolutely not. It's here in my pants dish. I'm actually- I'm- I'm- I'm gonna walk out the room backwards. Yeah, later that night, Eileen got drunk and started waving around her pistol, saying she'd shot herself in the stomach accidentally a few years back, which she in fact had. Humblebrack.

Humblebrack. Well, I mean, there's a lot of debate as to whether this was like a suicide attempt, or if she was just fucking around and accidentally shot herself in the stomach, because she was known to just fuck around with pistols at any- at all times, because honestly, I mean, fucking around with pistols is pretty fun. It's pretty fun. You just have a pair of scissors you fuck around with and you do it all the time. I mean, I mean, it's a lock knife and a pair of scissors and a couple of different things.

Sometimes when I'm at home, I'll bring out my great-great-grandfather's pistol that has like three marks on the butt from how many people he's killed with it, and so now I'll just hold it. Carolina, Carolina, are you listening to this right now? There is a way out. Get out. Just get out. Get out.

Last time we were home, she held it too. Yes. And she admitted that it was a lot of fun, although the copious amounts of guns back home did make her extremely nervous for a few days, but you get used to it pretty fast. When you say guns because there was a three and a half year mandatory minimum of guns in Brooklyn, you mean Texas. Yeah. Yes.

I don't know. I don't mean like my apartment. Right. Yeah, I mean back home in Texas. Good work, guys. Covering that up. Wink, wink, wink. Well, by 1989, Eileen was no longer bringing in the numbers that she once had.

She'd been living a drifter's life for about 15 years, and those years had not been kind to her looks or her demeanor. Yeah, because you know what does not come with the drifter lifestyle? Moisturizing. Oh, that's very true. Actually, a lot of people who picked Eileen up didn't even know she was a prostitute because she didn't dress anything like one. She usually wore like cut off jeans and sleeveless t-shirts.

Maybe they thought they were picking up Bruce Springsteen. That's not even, I mean, cut off jeans and sleeveless t-shirts. That's not even lot lizard standards. Hey, Greg. Greg, you would not believe this. You know who I got a tongue job by last night? Who, man? The boss.

The Bruce Springsteen? Yeah. The Bruce Springsteen is gross. Is that what that song Thunder Roads all about? Is it about your ass? It must have been. He was singing it the whole time. Now, Eileen's game was to thumb a ride, make some small talk, pull out a picture of some

kids, and then ask if the guy driving was willing to quote, help her make some money. Nothing makes me more ready for sex. Oh, God. A picture of someone's family. Okay. No, that worked for a while, but the returns were diminishing. Because I think what she kind of, what she counted on is that she was cute for during her 20s.

Like, I think where else was a cute woman? She's sassy and fond in her way. Yeah, she's sassy and she's fond. So when she would get picked up by guys and she'd start going in like, well, maybe you want to help me make some money. You know, guys would be like, all right, fuck it. Yeah, let's do this. Yeah, I got, I got 20 minutes and two hours.

Yeah, fuck it. Let's do this. So when she started getting older, guys would be like, nah, nah, she was no longer an impulse buy. Back in the day, she just did exactly what Jackie Zabrowski did to get on a round table. She was just cute and fun. And of course, Jackie is much superior to all the women. She's the queen of the women.

That she is. Good cover again. Queen, great. Now Eileen blamed this slowdown on, as she said, Saudi Arabia. Yep. Kind of like how they did 9-11, but we want to talk about it either. She's bringing in geopolitics here. She claimed that she lost all her regulars to the Gulf War.

Yeah. But in reality, it was her quickly disintegrating looks and her horrific attitude that caused her sudden drop in income because she was also at the same time drunk constantly. And if you're going to be a roadside drifter prostitute, a smile's got to be your umbrella. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I mean, nobody wanted to be around her, and it was looking like Ty was going to join the ranks of the people who had left her, because Ty wasn't really a drifter.

She just genuinely loved Eileen, and she was just sticking by her no matter what. But after four years, the lifestyle going from hotel room to trailer to woods and back was getting a little old, and Ty was starting to get a little itchy, and Eileen knew it. It's like being married to Ted Nugent. Absolutely. It really actually is, Fox tales and all. I just don't think we have a six-year plan, you know, and that's the problem. We will be five years from now.

What kind of hotel rooms and what kind of forest we'll be living in five years from now? Right. And so it was that a lack of funds and a fear of losing her lover were the possible catalysts for Eileen Wernos' year-long murder spree, which we will cover in part two. Oh, goodness. She was also full of shit about Ty, too. She said that Ty would go and spend all the money she was making, hooking on drinking.

And it's a part of, again, positioning herself to be like, I have to kill. I have to make money. And that's what I have to do to make money. Yeah, it's always like she's, and she also said that, you know, Ty was pushing her to go out and go fuck strangers again. And that also, it's like, well, I didn't put myself in this situation. Ty put me in this situation. I have no choice.

I mean, she is an absolute narcissist because nothing is her fault. Nothing is ever her fault. She takes no responsibility until later on, she actually does, but then takes it back again. But then she takes it back again. However, her taking responsibility is actually more about her just wanting to die. She did it takes backsies on taking responsibility. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Well, she did a takes back. She said first that it was in self-defense, and then she said it wasn't in self-defense because she essentially wanted to get it over with. She just wanted them to fucking fry her so she could just die. And then she did it. And then she did a double secret. It actually was self-defense.

Yeah. The very end. But the whole time her toes were crossed. Yeah. So do we know if she was telling the truth? That is my least favorite character trait. People who always make themselves to be the victim. I fall into that trap sometimes, so we have to be careful not to do that.

Absolutely. Thank you guys so much for listening. I can't wait to hear more. Yeah. A huge thanks to research assistant April, psychology expert Christina, who completely exists. In no way is she just the carpet you're talking to. And I've got another one that exists, new forensic expert Corinne.

You know, guys, it's funny, I have a Swedish girlfriend, but every time she comes to town, you guys aren't around. That's weird. I mean, there's two ships passing in the night, but she is beautiful. Yeah, you always describe her almost in weird detail that almost sounds like our friend Julia Johns in a way. Oh, strange. But it's, yeah, but I've never met her and I've never seen a picture of her and I've

never seen you together and you were never doing anything with her. Yeah, she exists. She doesn't have a Twitter account. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's, she's real. Actually, psychology expert Christina is supposed to come to a taping of the round table here in a couple of weeks if we're in town. We might be in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah, if we're in town.

Dogmeat, dogmeat, I am going to be incredibly disturbed. I'm going to say this right the fuck now. If you show up here in the morning with a wig on, acting like Christina, we're going to have to take a six week break on the podcast and let things reset. I have no idea what you mean, Harry. Christina! It's like she's here with us. Awesome.

And we also want to give a special shout out to our men, Jamie Johnson, who lost someone very special to him this week, our deepest condolences. We don't really know what to say, but just keep going, man. She seemed like an incredibly sweet woman and I hope that you're holding your shit together, man. I hope you're doing good. Oh, yeah. So, okay, we have a mission this week.

Yes. We're up for the Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. We plugged earlier today in an incredibly funny and slick way. Yeah, and this is a really important award because if these tech nerds don't like us. What will we do? I don't know. I don't think Clear Channel will ever get to purchase us for the millions of dollars that we deserve to be owned.

But please vote for us. If you haven't, again, the offer still stands. If you can prove that you've got 100 people to vote for us, I will give you a patch of my back hair in a Ziploc bag. Can you offer that as a prize? On the live stream. Really? I did.

And I will do it. But I need fucking proof. But who has to, if I have to shave you, the offer is over. No, no, no, no. Well, I'll have another top or tier rewards ceremony where someone gets a shave. And we want to say thank you so much to everybody who's already voted for us. There's a few days left. It is genuinely going to be a close, it's going to be very close.

It's going to be close. We've been ahead for a while, but the numbers are starting to tick down just a little bit. The other podcasts are starting to make a last minute push. So we need you guys to really help us out with this and make a last minute push as well. They are literally doing paid sponsorship ads, which are quite effective because they pay thousands and thousands of dollars. And we're not doing that. Yeah, we're not doing that.

We're just counting on you guys, our fans, because, you know, the only reason why we're here is because of you and we just go to our Twitter page at LP on the left. There's a sticky post there that you can use to go and vote. Also, again, one more mission. Your pretty face is going to hell. It's coming back out. It's on Sundays at 11.30 on Adult Swim. Please fucking check it out.

Write about it online. We're doing a big PR push. I was on fucking OPI the other day, which was ridiculous, but we're doing a lot of work. I'm really fucking proud of this work. And honestly, again, we would not be coming back for more seasons if we didn't have people watching the show. You guys have been watching the show and being really super fucking vocal about it. It means so much to me.

And so please just check it out and fucking tweet about it and all that horseshit. That's it. And check out all the shows here on CCRA, Blingus Toppat for Everything Politics. I'm running for Brooklyn Borough President, and we're going to have a lot of fun with that. You can go to BK4BK to donate. And criminal justice reform is the main thing, obviously tying into last podcast on the left. Round table of gentlemen.

Check that out for all your, Henry was on the last episode. Kissel said that I could be his Steve Bannon. Yeah. Yeah. Which means you're out now. Hold the girl. You're back in. All right.

And page seven, Sex and Other Human Activities, Movies Signs with the Mads, and Whizzer and the Goddamn Whizzer. Which is very funny. Holden still, by the way, doesn't have a day job. Still complains. Yeah. Still complains. Non-stop complains.

About how he can't sleep long enough because it's too light in his room later in the morning. It's 3 p.m. Holden. It's 3 p.m. All right. Thank you guys so much for your support. Follow us on all the bullshit. At Henry Loves You on Twitter, at Marcus Parks, at Ben Kissel, on Instagram, at Dr. Fantasty, at Marcus Parks, at Ben Kissel One.

And last but not least, on everything at LP on the left, fucking hit that shit and give us money on Patreon if you want us to have that money. Yep, patreon.com slash last podcast on the left if you feel like we deserve a little bit of cash. If you give just a dollar, you get advanced ticket sales to almost every single show we do. There are shows coming up in Denver, Colorado Springs, LA, Austin, Houston, Dallas, Toronto, Atlanta, and Indianapolis.

You can go to cavecomedyradio.com slash live for links to tickets. If you give us more money, I could have more babushka. I don't understand what that means, but for the Patreon subscribers, I got another creepy pasta lined up. Yeah. It's just gonna be pretty scary. Yep. And five dollars and up gets all the bonus audio content.

Nice. Very nice. My wife. Can we use a wizard to sleep? Hail yourselves, everyone. Hail Satan. Hail Geem. Hail me, if you would please.

I'm a gustavation. What in all? Now it's time for another last pass guest on the left. Shout out. You're the last past guest on the left. Shout out. All right. We got to do the shout outs here.

Thank you. As always, thank you everyone for giving money to our Patreon. Yes. The Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left is the place you it's only a dollar for a shout out. And also, if you give a dollar, you also get access to pre show sales for all of our upcoming live shows, which we will be announcing more here very soon. If you want to see if we're coming to a town near you, including our upcoming Texas tour

in Houston, Austin and Dallas, go to cave comedy radio.com slash live. Yeah. And I'm trying to do a creepypasta once a week or once every 10 days or so. The last one was a big hit. It was called psychosis. And I'm looking into some other options right now. Thanks for your money. Very nice, Henry.

Oh, let's see. I'll just go here. Bailey Moyers. Thank you very much. Ben Flett. Thank you. Valerie. You.

You. Oh. Valerie. You. You. U.I. H.L.E.I.N. You.

Highland. You. Valerie. You. H.L.E.I.N. Yeah. Valerie. You.

H.L.E.I.N. Yeah. Thank you. Joe White. See Joe White. Look at that. See that Joe. Thank you, Joe.

Joe White. I got that. Mark Hughes. Pod Pickering. Laura Wallace. Brandy Burkhaas. Scott Rounds. Frank Harper.

Elizabeth Baseline. Ann Ann Jenny. Erica Boseman. Daniel Dunn. Lisa Dell Lagarza. Ooh. Lisa Dell Lagarza. Lisa Dell Lagarza.

All right. Emma Rebecca. Michael Anderson. Faden. Tyler Sims. Tanner Pool. Risa Patterson. Melissa Baker.

John. Thank God my parents didn't name me Henry. Harold Kuntz. No, wait. John. Thank God my parents didn't name me Harold. Kuntz. Yeah.

So his name would be Harry Kuntz. K-U-N-T-Z. John Kuntz. I think it's pronounced Kuntz. I don't know. Maybe he's an author. Okay. That's good.

Thank you. Katie Ball. Amelia Nunn. Ed Ray Allison. Tori Oxner. Chris Bolecki. Cole McKay. Blaine Tucker.

Emily Rosenbach. Michael Settleoff. Kathleen Musante. Julie Brenner. John Kuntz. I think it's pronounced Kuntz. I don't know. Maybe he's an author.

Okay. That's good. Thank you. Okay. fabulous. Okay. Kevin Brenner. Joshua Austin.

Seth Fowler. Nicholas Mosack. Meg Kennedy. Aaron Garvey. James. The Long-Dong Russell. Does not say the Long-Dong Russell. It doesn't.

Okay. Kevin Murphy. Matt Winkworth. Ian Welch. Tyler Rosser. Hallen Allen. And Andrew Ferguson. Matt Winkworth does sound like the guy who will rat you out at the office for stealing

the printing paper. Yes. You can't trust the Winkworth. Winkworth! I got Diana Johnson, Noel Hackman, Kimberly Swagger, the Chimney Swagger? No, Swagger. Oh, Swagger.

No, not Swagger, it's Swagger. Swagger. Twins Mills, David Payne, Samantha Mendoza, Emma Jealous, Puntip Marshall, Meggie Bailey-Wilner, Shannon Lundquist, Brittany Arledge, Cody Peterson, DC Turner, Ashley Boyer, Katelyn Rep, Chase Felorosca, Jesse Hope Weston, Trevor Karmic, Alex Lee,

Rebecca Emily, Martin Soyon, Soon, what was it? S-O-E-U-N, Soon probably. S-O-E-U-N, Soon, Soon, Soon, Soon, Soon, Soon, Soon. Colin W. Clampett and Parwaisa, Par-Yasa, Par-Parisa. Par-Parisa, Par-P-A-R-Y-S-A, Par-Yasa, Par-Yasa. Clampett? Yeah, Clampett.

Colin Clampett. Nice to have a sheriff around. All right, Kristen Asgay- Oh, this is a, my tongue is died. Asguayda, Asguayda? Asguayda. Asguayda, Asguayda? Yes.

Kristen Asguayda, Scott, Jonathan Edwards, Corey Jordan, Hunter White, Justin Wagner, John Frostbite, Curly. Ooh, why'd you get your nickname Frostbite? Inquire in minds. Katie LaPointe, Ariel Brennitz, Wesley Ratcliffe, Jordan Emerson, Georgia Lily, Lindsey, the Blue Rogue. Ooh.

It sounds like the laziest superhero. It does. Lindsey, okay, Blue Rogue, Kelly Smith, Samantha C.R. Amantearo. C.R.A. Mentorio. This is great. This is great. C-I-A-R-A-M.

This is good radio. T-A-R-O. Samantha C.R.A. Maritero. Yep. Yes. Jessica Poole. Thank you, Jessica. Poole, a Sheriff Eric, Jamie Blackband,

Matt Turner, Andy Tomah, Peter Galaro, and Evan Carr. Thank you all so very much. If you got a job at the UN, you would start World War III. Yep. Alex Mann, Joseph Benedict, Kristen Boehm, Justin Fintosky, Hell yeah, Austin Endrington, Alicia Minty, Walt Hansen, Hannah Smith, Rachel Wise. Is that famous Rachel Wise?

Is that the name of a celebrity? Yeah. Rachel Wise? How is it spelled? It's like a celebrity. Did she give us her celebrity? I don't think so. Victor Rodionov, Mark Kribbsback, Bailey, Jane Payeesi,

Rachel Snyder, Evan Larkin, Luis Palencia, Elizabeth Arnold, Alice Martinez, Buzz Halberg, Dane Schmidt, Jack. What was that? Jack. Okay. Sonia Sells. Sonia Sells.

Sonia used to help us out a lot. She was unable to stop it, as a matter of fact. Yeah, thank you, Sonia. Sarah Reach. Thank you. I got Joshua Landrith, Howard Pina, Zachary Sweet, Alex Keller, Rebecca Doe, Amber Sheevill, Emma Johnson, Alex Nouveau, or Nouveau, Steven Watts, P Bosta.

Ooh. Like Pasta, but P Basta. Well, that's fun. Shelby Chamberlain, Chelsea Wilkerson, Vincent Calderon, Joseph Vogel, Max, John Zimmerman, Ryan Benderyot, Renee Mounder, Sam M., Kylian Meehan, and Nabil Shazad. Playing that George Zimmerman really ruined the Zimmerman name.

He did, it's just that's immediately where the mind goes every time. He did. I'm sorry, John Zimmerman. He didn't do good for it, yeah. Yeah, he did not do good. Robert Zimmerman was Bob Dylan's real name. No kidding.

Yep, related. Ro, thank you very much. Ro, Joe Whittington, Raven Cressant, or Cressant, I believe, but I wanna call her Raven Cressant, but it is Cressant, thank you so much. Everybody's just a carb to you. But even a lot of carbs, that's why I'm on my Hormel Chili Diet.

Sarah Harper, Lisa Wright, Matt, Karl Mustang. Ooh, he's hairy, hairy but also wet. Yeah, wet. Karl Mustang, Gerard G. Jones, Jordan Gompke, Marie Naomi, Katie Burris Cook, Mary Balot, or Balot, Cynthia Amandor, or Amandaor, or neither of those. Aaron Boen, Zech, I'm trying my best.

Aaron Boen, Zechik, HP Love Shaft. That is, Jeremy Matthews, Jeremy Matthews, Cary Sheehan, Aaron Shelton, Blake Winslow, Amanda Baird, Brianna Bierstock, DJ Maniac, or Maniac, or Manic, and Megan, thank you all so much. Peal Rittness, Taylor Mechara, Thomas Johnston, Katelyn Stewart, Madison Sage.

Wow. Hi, I'm Madison Sage. Hi. You wanna buy my old socks? You can suck them in your mouth. Hm. Israel Hinojosa, Rick Foster, Sarah Watson, Gabrielle Dixon, Samantha Lowe, Karl!

It's just C-A. Karl! It is K. K. Sarah Williams, Matthew J.S. Armstrong, Taylor Irb, Steven Woods, Sellers Webb, Troy Tempest, Troy Seff, Michael Barnes, Julie Kay, Nathan Rust, Josh Doe, Stephanie Edge.

Thank you so much. I just got a couple more. Bobby Ford, Leon Hope, Jessica Anderson-Simmons, Cary Warren, and Clinton Davis. We did it again. We did it again. Thank you guys so much for donating. It really means the world to us.

It means everything to me. Everything. Everything that, everything. Hail yourselves, everyone. Hail me. Hail you. You piece of shit. Muggustalations.