Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 278: Creepypasta XII - U-Turn to Madness

Episode Date: July 21, 2017

It's somewhat-annual-now Creepypasta time! Join us for stories of skin peeling, proxy eroticism, a soppin' wet Bigfoot, and melting.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Marcus, I'd like to begin this episode with a trial of you. I'm sorry about that. Is he on the stand? I have to question and needle you about your consumption of Indian food. I have heard you talk about it on three different episodes of three separate podcasts. How much Indian food you eat? How much do you eat Marcus? I ate it yesterday and the day before. That's a lot of days.

I am going to say on behalf of your asshole. I'm now declaring myself the little mayor of your asshole. It was a rough morning. Please stop the flood of Vindaloo. I'm in defense of your stomach. Keep it coming. I love this stuff. I don't care what the butthole has to go through. It's your only spicy cream. On behalf of your taste buds, more and more please. I just feel like Indian people have got the guts to handle the creams. But you got fiery devil creams.

He's a sexist boy. Anyway, this is the last podcast on the left everyone. I am Ben Marcus Parks. We got H-Bone here as well. Man, it is cool in the new studio. That's right. It might sound a little bit echoey to you. Not up to usual standards, but we are in a new studio. We're still going through our transitions and stick with us and everything will sound great in the future. I am wet.

You are soaking wet. Thank you for complaining immediately. I'm not complaining. Actually, I don't even say I'm complaining. I feel like it's energy. I feel like I'm slick for the radio. It's actually like back in the day. We got too comfortable. And now that this is nice, now it's feeling like back to my roots. That's right.

I'm sitting in a puddle of my fucking nut vindaloo. No one wants to hear about it. Okay, so we just did a four-parter on Oklahoma City. We've had some intense subject matters the past couple of months. What's been intense about it? That whole bombing thing with the children. So we decided to do a little palate cleanser and just read some creepy pastas and hang out. Big fat Italian man just sucking in a bunch of noodles.

But what are they? Souls. Big fat creepy pasta. It's been so long since I've looked at them. And I gotta tell you what, the quality has not increased. I don't know. I think there's some good stuff in here. Spooky spaghetti.

Also, we want to press 3 p.m. That's our show at the Montreal Just For Laugh Festival. And if you even go there thinking about thinking, get out. It is just for laughs. Do you know that if you enter the streets of Montreal with a frown on your face during the Just For Laugh Festival, they put you in a room and put a bag over your head and then put a cloth over that bag, and they waterboard you and your family. They will all cluster half sex with your grandmother.

We forced them to laugh. Yes. Just for laughs. 3 p.m. next Thursday and Friday. Perfect time for us. That's right. And again, don't think about not laughing. Don't even fucking think about it.

Especially when you enter that hotel conference room at 3 p.m. Built for entertainment. Ready for laughter. Now, before we begin today's episode, as is customary, before we begin, I imagine right now that you are sitting at home with your family and you're looking at your kids and you're thinking like, how the fuck do I get out of here? Sure. Or you're looking at your significant other who's in the bed right now.

You've got headphones in because you just had another long, weird, just thrust session of that person on top. You just dry hammer and dry hammer. I don't think that this is something they listen to after something like that. I'm just saying they do. I'm not sure. They pop it in as a palate cleanser for themselves and they think and they look at their significant other and they're like, how do I get out of here?

Yeah. Love is real though as well. So what I say you got to do is, first of all, wash yourself. If you're at the office, I want you to go because a lot of times I'll have gyms. Go down to the office gym, pop yourself in the shower, really wash your top. Don't wash the bottom at all. Anything from the belly button. That's not possible.

What do you do? Surround and wrap your bottom? Yes. You just get your body halfway in and halfway out of the shower. It requires a lot of core strength, but it can happen. You wash yourself like you're washing yourself in a waterfall, exactly like a centaur. What the hell? All right.

So just wash your top hat. Really scrub your breasts. Men and women. Scrub them, scrub them, scrub them, scrub them, scrub them all covered in soap. They're pink. Pink and raw from your luffa. Check for lumps. Check for lumps.

Men and women. Yes, because men can die of breast cancer. Yeah. And then when you go back to your cubicle, don't even bother putting on any clothes. If you're with your family, which is waltz around the living room and be like, this is me time. This is me time. And then what I want you to do is go and get some of them fucking.

Oh my God. Some of that nutmeg that only is born in the island. That sweet spice up. Right. The big thick old, thick old, thick old, thick old dog feet. Nug. Put it in your fucking Abraham Lincoln shaped pipe because you are a fun person. That is fun.

And you bought it at a 420 day in Denver or Washington state. Wow. And I want you to smoke that fucking nugget so deep in your family while you're deep, so deep in your lungs like your family. Yes. So deep inside of your family. No, I think around the family is probably the best. And lay yourself back, hovering just above the rim of death.

And prepare to be spookified by some creepypastas. Now I just want to have a, now I just think about Pomeranians. Why? What do you think? Now why? Dogs feet. All right. Well, I'll, I'll start it off here and you know, don't worry.

My skills at reading creepypastas have gotten worse. So let's do this one. This is called, I believe it's called dear reader, which is kind of an exciting subject. And that's to you. It's nice that the, I think it's to you if you're reading it. You're the reader. That's what I'm saying. No, it's to me, but I'm saying it's to the reader.

Dear. They're the listeners. I understand what's going on. You're the reader. Dear reader. I bet you didn't know this. Okay. Now I'm starting it.

Great. Dear reader. Okay. I bet you didn't know this, but a piece of your soul is captured every time you, your image is trapped in a photograph. Okay. That's scary. Maybe you should close out each, each round.

You know what I mean? No, I, do you want to come back to me? No. Okay. Dear reader. I bet you didn't know this, but a piece of your soul is captured every time your image is trapped in a photograph, but it's good on Instagram. It's fun to get the hearts.

It is generally a trivial amount per photo. The average person wouldn't be affected over the course of their life. Okay. Do you ever wonder why celebrities seem so different? No. Do you ever wonder why celebrities seem so different? Hmm. Do you wonder why many, do you wonder why many struggle to keep relationships and most can't

relate to normal people? What? You rationalize it. You say it's the money and the fame, but it's not the truth. They are in hundreds of photos every day. Their souls are disappearing with each flash of the camera. Emotions fade with the soul. That is why so many of them resort to sex, drugs, booze, religion or violence in a laughable

attempt to feel something again. Is this from the comment section of Goop? I don't know, actually. The damage is already done though. Dying without a soul is a true death. There is no afterlife waiting for these people. Their soul is now trapped here, fragmented on this planet. So now, to the point of this letter, now, get to it.

Okay. So now, to the point of this letter, I remember standing at Hell's Gates preparing myself to spend eternity there. But at the last minute, I was offered a seat in heaven with one condition. I had to return to the living as a new man and find a way to thin out the exponentially expanding crowds in the afterlife. I think I succeeded. Best regards, Walter Ruff?

Though you may be more familiar with the name I was given in my second life, Mark Zuckerberg. No! Zuckerberg! That is amazing. Mark Zuckerberg is slowly stealing the souls of all of us. He was sent to heaven and sent back to Earth to take all of us down. Wow, that is... Yeah, because heaven's running out of room.

As is Hell. Tell me about it. I look around here because that's what I keep saying. People are getting better. That's for certain. Everywhere I go, I'll be like, man, everybody's just great out there. Yeah. In no way did we just get into a screaming fight today at a hardware store with someone.

Over a drill that he sold us that was obviously a used drill that he just repacked and decided of an old box. Do you want to get nasty? Do you want to get nasty? I can get nasty. Do you want to get nasty? He was like a character from the characters. He was right, which is kind of fun that it's real.

Are you prepared to get scared? I'm feeling prepared. Are you alright to be a fright? My breath caught on my chest, cold air drawing my mouth leaving my tongue numb, my eye strained to see through the fog, my legs moved as fast as they could, my heartbeat quickly against my ribcage, oh, my mind was completely blank of any coherent thoughts except one, run. The forest whipped by me, shadows clawed at my heels, the moon did little to illuminate the trees, my torch had finally gone flat, I thought this was a bad idea, coming here

on my own. I knew this was a bad idea after I found that first page, then the second, then the third, all of them were warnings, but I also knew I had to come. Ever since I started getting sick or seeing shapes, feeling eyes, hearing voices, coughing up blood, I had to come to the place where it all began, the day I saw the tall man with no face, watching me with no eyes, calling to me with no voice. How? I don't know.

I don't know how one calls to someone without a voice. I continued running until I simply couldn't go any further, as my adrenaline wore off and my body decided the danger had passed, I slowed until I stopped, almost immediately my legs gave away beneath me and I hit the ground hard, laying on my back as I attempted to catch my breath, I licked my lips, maybe it was finally gone. I heard a rustle in the bushes, nearby, in the back of my neck, prickled. I sat up, still panting, I couldn't see anything, a cold breeze tickled my skin, sending a wave of goosebumps over my body and chilling me to the bone.

Then a voice, like static from a TV whispered in my ear, I jumped and still unable to see anything, grabbing the tree as I was leaning against, I pulled myself up and when I was halfway there my head hit a branch, something wasn't right, that was too low for any branch. I turned a look at the tree and my eyes widened, that wasn't a tree, that was a tall slender man in black, and even worse, that wasn't a branch, that was a huge, and I mean huge, bulge in his pants. I gasped and tried to step backwards, craning my neck to see his face, a white head with no features.

I ended up kneeling before this thing with my body restrained by strong tendrils, I tried to cry out and I was immediately silent, struggling for breath, and after a few moments the grip was relaxed albeit slightly, and a pale, white hand appeared. Its long slender fingers wiped a few strands of hair from my eyes, his featureless face seemed to be watching me for a moment, it felt like we were connected in some way, like this was meant to happen. All too soon it ended, and the hand moved to his pants, pulling them away to reveal his erect member.

I struggled as my face was forced against it, my lips were pressed to his tip, applying pressure as I refused to give entrance, I felt a tug at my own clothes and they were ripped away revealing my body to the harsh cold, I gasped and I was forced backwards taking half of his member into my mouth, I almost gagged on just that, as he slowly moved my head back and forth, his member threw up and sighed at me, and gradually I was getting used to this foreign object in my mouth, this goes on for three more pages. This is erotica, you've managed to take spooky spaghetti and make it erotica, this is slender man erotica.

This is slender man slash fix, I also called creepypasta lemons, and I looked this up and I started researching more and more into slender man, and I found out he's got a whole world of dumb shit, that's not on the internet, and that's the reason why those two little girls murdered their friend, they had stabbed their friend. Because they believe that slender man lives in a mansion and he's got these things called proxies that are like his slaves, and I guess according to his creepypasta lemons, he fucks a bunch of them. I guess so, it also kind of sounded like a Hollywood producer running away from Brad

Garrett, as he constantly asks if they're gonna come back with everybody loves Ravens. Are we coming back? But I, that is spooky stuff though. You're not hard? Not even remotely. I'm not answering that. Is that a branch, I also, I have real ones if you want me to read them as well. Well you lost your turn.

Alright. Yeah, now it's Marcus's turn. Alright, because you wanted to read erotic slender man. Fan fiction I guess. Slashfix is the technical term. It's lemons is the term I said, and I guess that means, because it has penetration in it. Oh, okay.

I don't even want to get into why that is that. Alright, this story is called instant messaging. Oh man, I remember that from when we were in high school. Oh yeah, AOL. It all started on the 14th night of March, the night of my parents 20th wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful sunny day, if memory serves. Surprisingly warm, for before the beginning of spring. The beautiful weather was perfect for the atmosphere of the day.

Being married for 20 years is obviously a momentous occasion, so my parents had booked a table at our favorite Italian restaurant. Olive Garden. Without a doubt. Of course, because never ending soup and never ending bread. Of course, this was a formal occasion, so I have my best suit on. It was 533, and I was just straightening my tie when the phone went off. I'd received a message.

That's strange I thought. That never happens. I'm sad in this guy, in a suit, in an olive garden, got a message just like, what, what, why? Someone notification. What is going on? Is there a ghost in the machine? I checked the message.

It was from my mom. It was quite a jumble of numbers and letters, but through the vocabulary stew, I could make out one legitimate phrase, please help me. It should go without saying that this worried me greatly. So I immediately replied, are you okay? Just as instantly, I got another text which read, oops pocket text. It happens. I decide with all the relief I had and continued to prepare myself.

Is that all the, is that all the relief you have? No. Oh. Is that Slenderman's branch? Get off of Slenderman. Put your pants back on. A few minutes later, I received yet another message, this time for my dad. I checked the text and once again, it was a massive mixture of letters and numbers with

the phrase, please help me, concealed within. Creepy though this was, my dad was always a joker. So I presumed he was just joking around until I was sent another text saying, oops pocket text. Maybe it's your butt talking about trying to get help from all the Indian food you eat. Just ashes covered in pimples and that's how it's touching all the little, like the Qwerty. Keep that on there because I know he's just sending all these butt texts.

Now this sparked panic, pure unmistakable panic, exactly half a minute past when I received the exact same two messages from my sister. This could not be coincidental. It just couldn't. In a state of sheer anxiety, I started to run to the restaurant. I made it about a quarter of the way before I was stopped by a police officer. Main roads closed, he said. Huge car crash.

Car crash? He said car crash. Main roads closed. Huge car crash. Car crash? No, car crash. This was the exact moment I realized just what had happened. I demanded to see the wreckage.

A request which I was surprised was allowed. I love when you demand something and then they give it and you're like, oh, that worked, huh? Now I have to go see it. When I got there, it wasn't the remnants of the car that caught my eye, nor the flames billowing from the destroyed vehicle, no. I was horrified to see the lifeless corpses of my mother, father, and sister. I asked for the estimated time of their deaths.

All three of them were killed instantly by the collision at 532. A minute before the first text! Oh my God. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of squirrels in the woods just laughing their asses off. Just texting. If we text the humans, please help. They get freaked out. I know I left the restaurant, but tell me, do I still get the same never-ending pasta

and soup bowl, or do I have to buy another one? Is it when you leave the restaurant, does it end, and then do I have to come and re-upper? Technically, if you're in the parking lot, you're still in the restaurant. Excellent. Yes! Yes! Holy! Oh!

Oh! So much relief. All right. We got some death. We got some erotica here, and we found out about Mark Zuckerberg so far. Great. Fascinating. Content.

Okay. Let's move on. This one is called The Argument, and we all have them, even if we don't want them. Yeah. It's healthy to have them. Yes. Don't keep your emotions bottled up. No.

And it's written by Anon Imus. Anon Imus. Okay. You're fucking asshole. Hey, kind of a fun joke there. The Argument. Now, they kind of set a scenario here for you. So you're the manager for a small store.

You hired one of your friends. Never do that, by the way. Never. That's a great way to have a friendship end. And you just found out that he's been stealing from the register. Stealing stock, abandoning his post to visit with his girlfriend in the back room, well, he's the only one on duty. And the Argument you had with him at the office just didn't settle it for you.

You pound on his door. When he opens, he goes pale, soils himself, which means he pees himself. He literally pisses himself. His friend pees. Your friend. Apparently, you are a very aggressive general manager of what can only be an ace hardware. Yes. Okay.

So he pees. Can you imagine opening the door and just seeing one of your friends and then you're in it? Maybe you shouldn't be friends anymore. But he's so, he goes pale. He soils himself and staggers back, gasping for breath. It doesn't impress you. Oh, you're like a real Shania twain.

You're like, that doesn't impress me much. Okay. It doesn't impress you. Really. You figure he just, it doesn't impress you really. You figure he just, you figure he just thinks you were showing off. Going up with the cops until you step through his door and glance to the side where you get a good look at yourself in the mirror, or at least the parts of you that are still

recognizable after that shotgun blast that your friend gave you at the end of that argument. I don't really understand. It's a shot. You're dead. So you've been dead. Your friend, the argument. You're dead. So why is it telling- You're the vengeful ghost that's coming back.

You're the vengeful ghost. But why is the story telling me what I am if I know what I am? Because you didn't know. I didn't know. You had to look in the mirror. Because your friend pissed himself and you're like- Pissed himself. Why is he pissing himself?

You know what, I'll just read it. You're the manager of the small store. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're hiring one of your friends. I don't understand. I don't understand. He's stealing everything. The conversation ended with him.

Yes, now I understand. It doesn't impress you really. It's not a little schnitzel. I could try and twink. Yeah. Okay. Cool, I like that story. So this is also a letter.

If this turns into erotica, you don't get a chance to make it scary. Now I've never I can't I would never do that. Why are you it seems like it does turn into erotica? No, no I would never do that. Why would I ever do that? You were one of slender's new proxies Heartless as you took your bitman your victims hearts at the moment though at the moment though you were sat on the couch watching Ben Play his video games. Did you write the name in there? No, it says Ben on there because Ben is one of the famous proxies in the creepypasta world Really? Yes. Well, it's an honor to have my name used as a creepypasta proxy when it comes to slender man penetrating my mouth

Hey, peanut butter bitch That's what it says here. That's the person who wrote it. You turned and grinned as the twitching boy known as Toby skipped Yes, skip into the room. Hey Toby, what's up? You asked slender wants to speak with you in his office He chirped you got up and ran up to slender's office and walked inside But you were confused to find it empty you spun around when you heard the door click and shut behind you You saw Toby standing in front of the door blocking the only exit. He's like a super famous proxy of the world You almost yelled he began walking over to you I've waited so fucking long to do this

He drawled his once child his tone gone and replaced with something darker before you could say anything his lips Crashed into yours and your eyes wide but you quickly melted into the kiss wrapping your arms around his neck And what is slender man just like doing taxes during this whole thing? No, he's got paperwork in his office He's at his office. Why does slender man need an office mansions take Stuff you got to pay your bills. You got to pay the grounds. Yeah garbage water. All right He pulled you closer and you can feel this crotch swelling and with each passing second until you couldn't take it anymore And you would zipped his jeans pulling them down you guess you You crouched so your eye level with his growing member the material of his box is the only thing keeping it away

It's similar to the last one smirked and nuzzled his crotch making him moan and pleasure it grown in Frustration you tease them like that a little longer until you decided to pull his boxers down So they were around his ankles and his full length was out. What is slender man doing this whole time? Violent of taxes. Oh, so this isn't slender man. This is just erotica This is just this is a penthouse over here Ben being blown. This is Toby. Okay by me Your eyes know it's by peanut butter bitch peanut butter. Yeah, your eyes widened at a sheer size It was exactly nine inches if not more and he chuckled look what you see and you smirked up on him Not as much as you're gonna like this and as soon as you finish that sentence

He took his whole dick in your mouth and he dashed and pleasure Putting his hand on the back of your head and he began bobbing your head on the tip of his cock Pressing against the back of your throat threatening to choke you as he picked up speed as moans filling the air As he came in your mouth and warm liquid trickled down your throat Oh, pull it out of your mouth now your turn. He said pick you up Oh placing you on top of slender's desk without his permission. What is slender man doing? He's at the grocery store because everybody's asking for all the different Employees are just having sex with each other crackle acting in the middle of his office

I begin undoing your shorts peanut butter bitch today a clear view of your panties Which were thoroughly so somebody just unplugged the headphone jack from their work computer And it's now being escorted out by security because the guns rubbing you through the wet cloth making you moan and pleasure Begging him to go further getting your signal. He pulled off the wet fabric and he threw it off the side He's stuck two fucking fingers aside. You will flick in your clit making you moan louder So he pumped his fingers trying to elicit as many moans as pleasure as he could possibly get isn't really scary It's not at the same time It's kind of the most horrifying thing I've ever heard because it's coming out of a the mouth of a five-foot-five

Harry Polish man. Yeah, how much longer does this go on several pages several pay? Okay, so we're not gonna get through a full Henry Zabrowski creepypasta because he chose to go with the erotica Version of creepypasta, which I didn't even know existed until right now. Well, I've got a scary one Okay, and he opens up his he's pants reveal his boxers I mean Henry's have technically still been the scariest. Yeah. Yeah. This is short a Man was driving through the woods on his way home. He'd been working all night. So he was very tired Uh-huh the forest didn't help of course he was He was very very very very very very very and the forest didn't help with its thick leafy trees blocking out all the sunlight

He kept drifting in and out of consciousness while holding the steering wheel Suddenly a figure ran out onto the road the man jerks the wheel in an attempt to avoid the figure However, he lost control of the wheel and the car crashed into a pit on the side of the road Luckily besides a few minor injuries. He was still in one piece He stumbled on to the middle of the road to signal for help only to be hit by a car Vehicular deaths are real we need to think about that Wow, so he was hit by a car. He was hit by a car not really a creative pasta But it's a very it's a very accurate depiction of how many people die on a daily basis

Just get hit by a car and how terrifying is that? Yeah, what's going on in slender man's mansion? Can we get an update on that? I guess he's just out at the fucking bank Well, there's 15 other people just banging in and they're only child molesters. Huh interesting Okay, so this tale I'm gonna about to give to you. It's called this new old house So I don't know how that's possible, but nonetheless kind of trickery by one of the real estate agents It's a new old house. It's an old house and don't fucking lie to me Okay, it's this new old house. We bought an old house. My boyfriend and I he's in charge of the new Construction converting the kitchen into the master bedroom for instance. Well, I'm on wallpaper removal duty

It seems like he's doing a lot more work. She's just removing wallpaper, which is very fun. Yeah, also it might not be a girl Let's not be let's not be exclusive. This could be a gay couple. It could be and that's wonderful I just thank you, Ben. Thank you. No problem. I guess. Thank you for me as a matter of fact I'll take today's hero award. It is a gay couple Okay, so let's let's start it over thinking about it like that gay gay gay Which is just gonna make them the exact same way as they are. No, dude But one's got a big ol cock. That's for you. That's your part of it. This is your That's your pasta. This is my pot. This is this new old house. That's what I'm reading. It's about a house not about

Sexual things my god. Okay. It's cocked. Don't do come on good We bought an old house my boyfriend and I I am also a man and we are in love with each other Wow Yeah, he is in charge of the new construction converting the kitchen into the master bedroom for instance Well, I'm on wallpaper removal duty the previous owned paper at every wall and ceiling Removing it is brutal, but oddly satisfied. The best feeling is getting a getting a long peel Similar to your skin when you're peeling from a sunburn Nothing's better than that when you really get a lot of your skin peeling. Yeah, I was literally nothing nothing

Nothing is better than that. I don't know about you But I kind of make a game of peeling on the hunt for the longest piece before it rips This is a very boring day for this person. Yeah, they're making they're having fun with it. It sounds really fun Yeah, kind of under a corner under a quarter section of paper in every room is a person's name and date Curiosity got the best of me one night when I googled one of the names and discovered the person was actually a missing person The missing data matching the date under the wallpaper the next day I made a list of all the names and dates sure enough each name was for a missing person with dates to match We notified the police who naturally sent out the crime scene team. I overheard one tech say yep, it's human

Human what's human ma'am? Oh, I guess it is a woman. Mm-hmm. Here are awards been stripped ma'am Where is the materials? Where is the material you removed from the walls? This isn't wallpaper. You were removing. Let me do that again. That's a big line there at the end. Yeah, ma'am I just got thrown off because I'm the same man. I'm change. It's going back. I'm putting my hero bed back Where is the material you removed from the walls already this isn't wallpaper you were removing it was human flesh Human flesh. Ah, so you didn't know you were inside a big person. I don't know I think they wallpaper. I think that he used a metaphor of his no I think he actually used the skin of his victims as wallpaper, which is a horrible wall. Oh, yeah

Very bad because of the smell. Yes Because this is I'm gonna switch this up now. Okay, switch gears switch the gears Gosh, I can hardly contain myself as I write this testimony, but what happened to me? My entire body is starting to tingle and don't know doesn't seem like you're switching gear you'll see as I live this wonderful wild fucking again in my memory Mm-hmm. He's right. I've been extremely horny ever since our camping trip I know he does not believe me, but obviously you would have had to have it happen to you

To believe it. Sure. So yada yada yada it's camping season and she's out with her boyfriend and they're camping Okay, I was a book in the middle of the night. My bladder was reminding me to go find the restroom Hmm. It's a strange way of saying you have to go pee bladder is my mind Reminders reminding me assistant my assistants all filled with shit piss bladders like on the phone Don't forget to remind her we've got to be James was sleeping soundly like always so it didn't bother to wake him up It was a warm evening and a full moon So I went out my nightgown and flip-flops and I could see something with the moonlight

Nothing on underneath since I took off my bra and my panties before going to bed I found the flash and eventually found the restroom at center of the campground I just sat down on the stool and put my flashlight on the floor when I heard a noise wait She's camping and she's sleeping naked and just your panties And her bra. I sleep naked no matter what camping. Yeah, no the bears will attack You can't sleep naked while camping only if you got periods Coming out of you or you scratch your butthole on a pinecone like maybe you and Carolina and your forest adventures might have done

My first thought was that I was sure the door had closed fully behind me and latched thus locking behind me as I sat there peeing Doorknob turned and the door opened slightly at this point I was done peeing but I was sitting there scared of my wits at a bear or a raccoon or a camper Oh who was coming in there's a big difference between a bear or a raccoon Yeah, I'm much less scared of the raccoon and a human. Yeah, I'm actually more scared of raccoon than a bear because of their diseases Oh, stop it. They're nice and they're fun. Now. This is the part where James does not believe me In walked in the biggest Harriest what looked to be a man that I have ever seen and from what I could see with my dimming flashlight

He was at least seven feet tall and fully covered with hair from head to toe He kept sniffing the air like a dog on a scent He was grunting something at me before I could let out a scream He lunged forward and grabbed me up off the toilet his two Hair covered hands completely enclosed around my waist my face was pressed into his hairy chest And as I was screaming bulletty murder into his smelly hair my screams were muted as he rushed me out the door I noticed from the corner of my eye a woman standing there with her flashlight her face lit up Just enough that I noticed the astonished look on her face as my kidnapper carried me off into that thick forest

Now from what I could make of it as he leapt and bound The thing carried me up over the next ridge and down to the rocky ravine The scent of this thing has been described in books by Bigfoot hunters as a pungent stinky odor, but to me it was more like an attractant or sort of Alluring masculine pheromone scent as he carried me without much effort my fear subsided and I actually felt safe In the strong man's arms. It was just a strange sense and perhaps an ancient instinct playing on my mind Like a caveman had taken me It's a Sasquatch. He brought me to my hole in the rock. He brought me to a hole in the rock

It sounds a lot more like a skunk ape That was an entrance to a hidden cave and speaking of hidden caves You lay me on a soft pile of women's clothing It was just enough moonlight coming in from a hole in the ceiling that I could see him pretty good It seemed obvious that the scenario had been repeated over time It's a tale as old as time This it seemed obvious that this scenario had been repeated over time and some other women had left some of their clothing behind My not gone and ridden up to my waist in my private area was exposed to his gaze

I quickly closed my legs to limit his view He grunted and kept sniffing the air started to worry when I noticed would look like the large head of his penis resembling the underside of a big red apple He put one hand of my knees and he pushed them apart and the air I could feel the air swirling around my pussy Yeah, in the air tonight, huh? It's like a genesis So I immediately began to tingle all over my entire body and down to my toes Is this this big hairy man smelling my pussy was all that I could make my pussy became super wet

I don't want to hear about it running on the crack of my ears and there's a yeti involved I mean I was too much the crack was like imagine his extra large rock hard cock and what it might look like buried to the hill What's your boyfriend doing? He's just sleeping while I just hopefully this camping trip will reinvigorate our relationship meanwhile. She's been turned into a circus tent. Oh My god, you don't want to hear more of it. There's several pages of it more of it I didn't want to hear any of it. They're very long. How many pages are there? I mean you've done sniffing between my legs over to push my nightgown higher above my breast

His hairy body was taken off at that point. I brushed my hardening nipples. Oh, right Hardening not quite hard yet. They're hardening. Oh, wow. Well, no, is that real erotica there? No people. Yeah They of course it's your erotica. You you throw a button a dick into it. Then yeah, it's erotica. Hell. Yeah, dog What pussy what what what pussy? I did not know what my pussy. I did not know that I did not know that That is wild. Well, my story is called channel future. Oh, I like channel Have you ever heard of a show called? Sharing your future. No, of course you haven't oh, okay Jesus fuck you

I'm the only person unlucky enough to stumble across such a strange show It all started with a simple sleepover with a couple of friends at my house But it ended up turning into a nightmare. Don't try to help me. It's too late I have to write this down before they break in and murder me farewell We were watching my brand new ultra 4k smart TV. Oh my what a braggadocious prick fuck yourself On the couch in the living room when the light started flashing on and off It was a power outage and judging by the sudden darkness. It was a big one Cool

See kind of look like the underside of a big red apple. Oh, that's how big and what I never want I cannot believe you forced me to visualize a Yeti's penis since we couldn't watch TV until the power outage was fixed They went down to the local supermarket to get us some refreshing ice-cold drinks That's why I was surprised when I heard the TV suddenly turn on with the click How the How the huh, huh? What what I turned around and the TV was showing static Like when you try to watch a channel that had no signal look like a big foot having sex with a woman by a river. I Started the TV waiting for something else to happen, but nothing dead even after I waited for five whole minutes

Wow, I thought suddenly floated up from the depths of my mind the remote Of course the TV wasn't going to act on its own Hmm, I quickly grabbed it from the table and started to surf the channels some feeling in my gut told me to go To channel zero. Oh my god This is this is the channel that Jeff Sessions forces everybody to look to watch while he watches them watching it and violently masters Now look at it gonna hypnotize her now look at it. Come on me. I know you know I Obeyed the feeling without thinking twice and press zero on the remote. I got something. All right Oh, is this erotica too if you turn this into erotica

Then I've lost all hope and lost all faith in the entire show the channel was working perfectly unlike all the other static channels The show was called sharing your future It appeared to be some sort of talk show. There was a woman facing the TV upon seeing me She said in a taunting voice you do you want to hear a future? No not with another voice like that I thought it was some sort of game. So I replied Yes, tell me my future Upon hearing me the woman grinned evil II I was slightly creeped out by this But I shrugged it off. The woman then said something disturbing

You will die a quick and painless death on October 5th 2019 at exactly midnight. No Like a slow and painless death or quick and painless death cool That's how you want to die a picture of what appeared to be three gunmen kicking down the door to a house flashed on the screen Enjoy the time you have left The TV then overheated and shut itself off. Hmm. My heart was beating rapidly at this point I was dreading to check the date in case it was today once I gathered some courage. I quickly checked the date on my phone I almost screamed and terror today was October 4th 2019

That was when I realized I'd forgotten to check the time with all the hope I had left. I looked at the time My heart almost stopped It was 1159 p.m. Get out of there. Just jump out the window Cool That's a great 1159 p.m. He got to midnight was when it was coming October and it was October 4th 2019 what does it mean October 5th 2019? His friends were coming back to kill it. No, maybe yeah Maybe it was his friend. Maybe he was bragging about that frickin TV and they're like, let's go ride

Maybe it was just some dudes. Yeah, could we just be some dudes? Yeah, they put the cock inside of them I don't think that no, it was not erotica like yours. No, it was not. All right. Well, I got one here It's called pyrocritic pyrokictic pyrocyctic. I don't know No, that's the name of the person who made it there on the tumbler. Okay, this one's called shopping I used to go shopping with my mother on almost a daily basis My mom used to tell me that I didn't have to go to school and she just take me to Pigley Wiggly It's nice. Isn't that nice? That's not the creepypasta. That's my life. Um, oh, it's amazing I knew all the cereals and I knew which ones I wanted. I like anything. It sounds like a pig just all covered in oil

It was fun. My mom used to always say seize get degrees She didn't make me guys strange parenting, but you know it worked all right Okay, so this is called shopping. It was one of those fancy. This is me now reading the creepypasta. Oh Do not Okay shopping. It was one of those fancy stores, you know where you have all these really expensive clothes, but they are really good I was looking at some jeans when I felt that there's a person behind me watching me Now I'm sure you agree that there is nothing worse than a salesperson following you around and watching you There is nothing worse than customer service. I do not like being tailed. Mmm

Okay, although I think that your story is that everyone that you have read Henry are much worse than having good customer service These people are really getting tail Thank you. I don't know why I don't even know why I bring it up. Okay now I'm sure you agree There's nothing worse than a salesperson following you around and watching you like you're some kind of potential thief I guess for them everyone is but it's very disturbing and this makes me want to prove I'm innocent by turning around and smiling with them and having some small talk, maybe Turn it around and smiley with them and having some small talk, maybe that sounds fun

But I just kept on looking at the jeans trying to ignore them This one on you know when I was when I was really fat my jacket size was 54 portly. Yeah, I remember that salesperson He saw me coming. Yeah, this is a big and fat store. He's a good one. It was like, what's the name of that Moby dick? Yeah, I have I'm the walrus. I'm the walrus. I'm the walrus I'm the walrus. I'm the walrus. I'm the walrus, but I believe it's a whale. It's a whale. Paul McCartney. Yeah No, that's John Lennon coo coo coo. I am the walrus. I'm the walrus. Shut up, Donnie. I love that for The big Lebowski. Okay, so now she's just looking at the jeans. She's trying to ignore the salesperson This went on for several for several minutes

And the person was just standing there watching me a part of me wanted to turn around and confront them and another part Just wanted to run out of the store, but then I was thinking why should I leave? I'm just a customer looking at jeans I didn't do anything wrong. I hate this customer so much I had every right to be in the store. So I kept on looking at the jeans. You want to buy something at some point I would hope but anyway, but I really couldn't concentrate on that I kept thinking about the person behind me and how annoying that is So finally I plucked up the courage to confront them to ask them to please let me do my shopping in peace I turned around and it was a mannequin. Oh

God you can be so stupid sometimes. I told myself and That's what it blinked It's one of those blinking mannequins. I hate blinking mannequins I hate blinking mannequins. It's like they're I know they're trying to make it more real So I want to buy clothes that they're wearing but at the same time oddly haunting. Oh, yeah His penis actually did a huge Can we reach inside his hair? Look at you just have to get to this one bit because I love this His cock had locked into me and it only moved an inch at a time in and out

I was so filled up and it was so tight in me that his humping was pushing my entire body back and forth on a pile of clothes I was at it was absolutely in fucking credible I wrap my my legs around him tightly as I was fucking his massive is this still the yeti cock asbestos I could he tensed and hardened and I could feel him harden as his shaft pulsed But because his cock was in a u-shape inside of me The head of his cock was pointed out at the entrance of my slit and when he came it drenched him And all in his hair the ultimate practical joke Wow Wow Wow Candy canes that's what's called pulling a candy candy kid. I didn't realize that penis could you turn?

Uh like some sort of magic wait so the the penis you turned so he was just pretty much a folded penis inside of her and then it Came all over him but that still seemed to work for them. This is a sasquatch, correct? Yes. I'll read a real one. I will Cock and fuck that's that's what it's called. No How Tommy really died. Oh my god, this is gonna be a I know what's happening here These days when people ask me if I have any siblings. I just say no But I used to just for a while Tommy was my little brother and by the time he was three we were best buddies

I remember how we used to wake up at about 5 a.m on Saturdays to watch cartoons and kick up a hell of a raucous until mom and Dad booted us out of the house And we'd go and we play in our swing set or maybe try to skip stones at the creaker just run around Hmm But he got sick that next fall It wasn't anything too bad. It was just a common cold or so we thought My parents didn't really do anything about it. They just figured they'd let it run its course Poor kid probably went through a pack and a half of Kleenex a day, but that didn't help any

He was sneezing every other minute spewing his snot all over the place And I wouldn't have spent much time around him if my parents didn't make me Because of the snot right I understood you had a pack and a half of Kleenex a day That's how we ended up in the garage that day We went out to run around but because of his cold Tommy got tired of just a few minutes We were heading back inside and then he sneezed on me Called the straw that broke the camel's back All of a sudden he started yelling about his cold and how gross it was to sneeze on everything and everyone and everything around him

He sneezed and he sneezed on me and again and that's when he really lost it My dad had a pegboard of tools on the wall Tommy reached up and grabbed a hammer, and then he hit himself in the face with it a good four or five times smack, smack, smack, smack, smack until he was down And then he hit himself again It's kind of like an old west doctor kind of I think I was in shock until then I was like, whoa Whoa, dude, you're just sneezing. Yeah, I literally literally Couldn't believe what just happened when I did I want to help Tommy

But I stopped when I got close to him. I tried to write about what his face looked like a few times and couldn't do it All I can say is that his nose was smashed along with his teeth and the front of his face His skull was basically just opened up. Hmm. Well, if the cold's gone, it's all worth it Yeah You disgusting person What but something was moving there something moved past a part of his skull and for a while I thought it was a huge living booger

And in a way it was It was a slug The first of a few that the doctor said were living in his nasal cavity all the slime they were producing That's what was making him sneeze so much Because of the way it happened. I think my parents told everyone that Tommy died in an accident I'm not really sure and they're not around for me and he asked them what they saw My friends from school didn't buy that so when they asked me how Tommy really died I told them the same thing. I told the cops

Which is the crap and I just wrote But that's not how Tommy really really died. Uh-oh. See Tommy couldn't have reached dad's hammer But I could So Sasquatch did a u-turn In talk came all the way out that big lead apple size of his fucking head And it was the only thing that ever satisfied that girl ever again, and then James just sat Sleeping away. All right scary stuff. So is that how a Sasquatch reproduces somehow Is that how Sasquatch always has sex or is that just like specific to that Sasquatch?

I am not a fucking scientist. I'm a scientist. All right. I am an erotic fan Uh-huh. Well, we'll have to amend our bigfoot episode. We'll have to put a little addendum in there Well speaking of scientists my story is called Cloning dangers. Oh, watch out You're a mad scientist. Oh, all right. Well, I don't know why they start off like this is an improv game and you decide to clone yourself Zip zap zop. Here we go. So you finish your cloning thing And when you turn it on

You finish your cloning thing When you really get into it when you finish your cloning thing you turn and you turn it on a perfect clone of Bob Dylan walks out. What? Whoa, dude. It's like super annoying. A damn marine man, man. Wow. Everything seems fine Until you suddenly realize You're not bob dillon. Yeah, buddy. I don't know when you're thinking they're friends. It's actually kind of annoying No, I'm bob Dylan. You ain't bob Dylan. No, I'm kidding. You look at David Crosby or Roger McWinn to kind of make your songs better

Think I'm bob Dylan. No, it's me. I'm bob Dylan. No also The actual bob dillon Is nowhere nearby. Is this old bob dillon or or uh, old well old bob dillon is now bob dillon Is this 1970s bob dillon doesn't say oh, it's just bob dillon. It's me bob. How old are you bob dillon? um 14 years old 14-year-old bob dillon. Yep. Just boy. Mmm. I always talk like this. I always will That's the whole story. That's it. That's it. That's the story

Oh my god, you don't get any badges for that. You don't get nothing. Um, let's see here Well, when is the bob dillon? Fuck that guy. I mean this cock is so long that it you turns inside of your arm Um, all right. We're going to Yui. Okay. I got one more. All right. This is gonna be big We got one more round one more round of the spookiest spaghetti anyone's ever heard Except for when it comes to Henry's because those have all been erotic. It fills me up when I think about it I'm filled. Okay. You turn. Okay. This one's called teacher teacher. Wasn't there a show called sister sister? You're thinking of hanging with mr. Cooper. Oh, I did like hanging with mr. Cooper fantastic idea for the Maori twins You do teacher teacher. Oh, yeah, they should they were successful

Okay, teacher teacher It was my first day at red tree hills middle school and me and my best friend jade Both had miss chalk as our english teacher. That's a perfect name for an english teacher miss chalk. Yeah, I did Although now it's all power points and computers I remember when chalk was actually a real relevant thing. Finally. I'm glad again. Someone said it Anyway, miss chalk wasn't horrible or anything, but people said that she had a major problem with girls with braces She doesn't like girls with braces. Very bizarre. You have to fix the teeth So on a monday in march, I got braces

I wasn't worried, but I should have been as soon as I got to school the next day A girl named Samantha walked up to me and told me that miss chalk was going to do something bad to me I should have listened, but I didn't so I walked into the class and miss chalk stared at me with a stare so great I could have fainted and she turned around and melted Seriously, she melted That's it. She melted. So I said weirder shit. Yeah, that's so I mean you trippin nut and she turned around and melted Seriously, she melted when tripping balls. Have you ever seen anything melt like they talk about? Uh, cool. That was not you were totally sober and I just took my shirt off. It's because of the weight loss

You saw kissle melt. Yeah, we did acid super late one night. You and I did. Yeah, when wouldn't you believe it? I don't remember a lot. Yeah, it was like really late. We had dropped acid like 3 a.m We watched planet earth for a little bit and you kept walking in and out and you went into your bedroom And you just listened to round table episodes while tripping on acid What did you and when was this? That's a creepypasta that happened in real life. This is in 2010 So these are like some of the really early episodes and you kept walking in and out like going to the bathroom And every time you walked by you just melted, but planet earth was fucking awesome. Yeah Yeah, that really is just my body Marcus and I went outside and bought some oranges and everything was beautiful because it was like 6 a.m

And then I had a meeting the next day and missed it Yes, that sounds about right. I do bet that Good night. Good times. Um, what lies within? It's a movie It does it is. Yeah. Wow. It's just a full script. You're gonna read it. Yep 150 pages Bigfoot's cock is so long. Can we just please enough with it? Okay What lies within Turn out the lights all of them. Uh-oh

Oh, shut your now useless eyes and focus on silence. Why would I shut them if they shut your useless eyes? Now useless now focus on the silence Once you have blurred the noise around you look inside You're fucking wet pussy. You feel the wetness running. Then you crack. Is that in the story? No, okay Look it deep into your heart. Okay For something that's not You and when you find it ask its name If it does not respond say to it. This is my body and I'm king in it. You will speak then ask again

What is your name? What is your name? Listen closely with ears. You don't have to the voice that you will hear faintly Then you pull it from its resting spot. You fight it Lloyd, my name is Lloyd. Yeah. Yeah, your name's Lloyd, huh? Now your name is bitch Ouch It's an audio podcast. You don't actually have to slap me. I can hear it slapping up. Good lord You you physical abuse ladies and gentlemen. It's been recorded Henry Uh one more this one's called

Underneath its surface That's the dermis. Is that the dermis layer? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Hey, can I feel your epidermis? Hey, I'm gonna show you. All right Thank you your epidermis is showing Oh, let's just All right. I think everyone's got it. Everyone got it Something disgusting and creepy happened to me when I bought my first car. Yeah ripoffs. Here's what happened I still remember it like it was yesterday I was always eager to know what it felt like behind the wheel that feeling when the cold wind catches and unravels your hair

The thrill of launching down the highway dreaming that nothing can ever stop you Oh, yeah, nothing can go wrong on the highway That's why when I finally passed drive-in school my parents tried their best to earn enough money to buy me a new car Get a job yourself They ended up buying me a four seat Toyota Which wasn't so bad compared to the poor people that had new cars. Oh my god. Fuck yourself. He's fucking millennials My parents quickly signed all the paperwork and in half an hour I was proudly holding the car keys in my hand. My parents told me that I could test out my car by driving at home

My first drive. Yay Then they got into their car and started to drive home carefully I waved to them when they passed by and they waved back There's a really hot kid in that car driving. Oh, that's our son The next second they were gone I got into my new car and leaned back to test how relaxing the leather seats were 16 year old with a leather seated car. Come on. It's a Toyota It's a Toyota. So it's not as nice as some but it's better than the pork

I noticed that there was one spot that felt like there was something poking out of the seat I ignored it and started the engine. Is that Paula Pownstown? Besides when I closely inspected the seat I saw nothing poking out. I just blamed it on stress Of course and started to drive home. We all feel things poking out of seats when we're stressed out like bigfoot Sometimes you want it when you're stressed out because he relaxes you in the way he gapes you. I get it. Yes A few days went by and everything was normal. I drove my car almost everywhere Everything was perfect with it. The engine never failed to start

The braking gas pedal pedals never failed when I stepped on him. Oh the only issue I had with the car was that That thing poking out of the seat and now it felt Closer it's Guado poking at you poking at you. We're all about noon when your appetite's poking at you poking at you It's the old Paul Pownstown bit so I couldn't explain it. It was like the thing was trying to get out of the seat But how was this possible? I decided to get to the bottom of this once and for all and I really wished I didn't I got a razor from the bathroom and ran down to the garage. I knew this would forfeit my insurance

But I didn't care good Why would you why would you why would you care so bad? It's just so madly Because you didn't pay for it. Oh, what if your parents paid for everything you paid for the insurance They paid for the car So you don't give a shit what you do to the car because you're fucking 16 years old You're fucking moron. Well, I really needed to know what was hurting my back someone. I hope it's a little pug I cut into the leather over and over Finally once it was loose enough. I quickly ripped and threw the leather onto the ground

What I saw next almost made me vomit on the spot It was Bob Dylan Inside the leather right in the middle of the seat Was a decayed human corpse. It was cut into pieces. It was so revolting I could see its organs sticking out and its lifeless eyes still staring at me. I've fainted So that's why I'm writing this posture to you now to warn you Always check Every inch of your car before buying it. You never know

What could be hidden? Underneath its surface. I thought he was going to talk about buying American. Yeah, brought you by blue book Wow. All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for going on this wonderful journey with us today We all learned a lot. Uh, we've all grown a lot. Um, some of our pussies are I don't think I think you could stop thinking about it now Why would I ever stop thinking because you have to be a normal human being at some point? I just get so riled up I know you do Let's see anything else we want to talk about. We have the patreon thing. Thank you all for the subscribers

For patreon, you've made life changing. Uh, you've made our lives changed For the better. So thank you so much. And I want to thank everyone in milwaukee. We had a great show there It was so fun. It was great to hang out afterwards milwaukee. It was incredible. We had so much meat and so much cheese I finally shat good. That's how much cheese I consumed man I got awful food poisoning while we were there. Yeah, I went to the comet diner and he got food poisoning guy fiatty He didn't do it, right? Nope. Absolutely. You think you got it from the guy fiatty diner? There was a because I only felt better when I threw up What was at the very bottom of my stomach and then once once that like coating of meatloaf that I got

Once I got that out. I was totally fine. So yeah, I think it was con that gave me guy fiatty would never lead you astray The exact same shit that I was eating backstage. That's true That was the only guy and but we ate a lot more of it than you did Which maybe we that's why maybe we didn't get sick. That makes no sense. That makes zero sense. I don't know but guy fiatty Would never do that to you. So I don't believe that. I don't believe your story I believe guy fiatty diners drive-ins and you just get to the very bottom of your throwing up and it's just like five Frosted goatee hairs the very bottom of all that food. That's flavor town. Yeah You were in flavor town and you got to experience it twice in and out. Wow. That's fun

Mm-hmm. Let's see. We also follow us on twitter at Harry loves you and Marcus parks have been kissled follow As on instagram. Mm-hmm at dr. Fantasi and Marcus parks had been kissled number one and follow last podcast left on all of that Fucking horseshit and LP on the left and we're gonna be in Nashville this weekend, which we cannot wait for it Yep, we're gonna be a natural this week and go to last podcast on the left calm to get all of the live show dates For all of our upcoming live shows the only two that aren't on the website is our show at the just for laughs Montreal festival You can don't think about thinking And you know what you're gonna have to laugh when you buy the tickets to because those are available at ha ha ha.com Ha ha ha.com that is

It's just for laughs and it's not scary at all. No I love it. Like it's sort of like clockwork orange when they make them smile Yeah, and then make them happy and make them happy and we're also going to be at the outside lands festival in san francisco Uh in august, we're gonna be doing the sunday show. We got asked this festival is so badass Alica's performing Dr. Octagon dr. Octagon Who I like the gorillas the avid brothers. I like the avid brothers. I don't think we'll see them though Probably not. They're great though. And then there's also a lot of great people

Performing with us as well. I'm afraid to meet p. Townsend. We're not gonna meet him. I don't not get there yet We're in the comedy tent. We're not gonna be near Anybody No one wants to talk to us. At least it's not the comedy porter potty. I think it might actually be. Oh, man Do you want to meet some people we already know? No, because that's gonna happen. We're gonna do that We're just gonna meet our friends. Um, all right everyone. Hail yourselves. Hail satan. Hail gain. Helgene. Magusta lesions