Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 283: Sexy Ghosts II - 20 Cock Lane

Episode Date: August 24, 2017

It's the return of the sexual poltergeist this week as we cover amorous skulls, genital burning gelatinous goo, the erection of a dead king and much more!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Man, I got myself covered in chocolate again last night. What? How'd you manage to do that? I was eating chocolate on the couch. I don't know what I was doing.

For my sweets, at night, I get a very luscious dark chocolate. That's what I do. And I had a glass of red wine. We were watching the keepers, so these kids are getting diddled left and right. I'm sucking on some big, thick ol' red wine and eating just chunks of dark chocolate. Like I'm a priest, watching a child get dressed in front of me. I thought we weren't going to mention this. I didn't say anything.

And so I got it. I guess crumbles all over me. I go into the bed for sleepy times. I take off my clothes and look like a Dalmatian. You're disgusting. It somehow got in my body. He melted it all over me. I'm sure that it did. Alright, welcome to the last podcast on the left, everyone. I am Ben Kissel. That's Marcus Parks. Hello.

Alright, we got the disgusting Dalmatian dog over there. Henry Zabrowski. I love a fireman. I don't want to hear you making those sounds ever again, quite frankly. This episode is fun. It is a fun one. After the horrors of Jerry Brutus, the shoe fetish killer, we figured that we'd make it a little light, do something a little fun. It's Sexy Ghost Part 2!

Sexy Ghost Part 2, which means we've done a Sexy Ghost Part 1. We did. We want to clarify that. We have. Now, all of the stories in Sexy Ghost 2, just like with Sexy Ghost 1, come from the book The Pregnant Ghost and Other Sexual Hauntings by Colin Waters. Please go by this book, as it has many stories than just the ones we covered today. No, no, no. Don't buy these books.

Alright, because we need the books so we could do a Sexy Ghost 3. No, we're out. So we can't have you be reading these stories. No, no, we're out. It's Sexy Ghost 1 and 2. We have run out of Sexy Ghost stories. The other ones are very sad. Pregnant Ghost.

That's one of the sad ones. Oh, isn't that something? Yeah. I didn't know that. Because they can't have abortions? There's so such thing as a ghost condom as well, I imagine. I don't think so. They can't do it.

But you know who I tell you? You know who I bet is a real sexy ghost? That Princess Diana. She had an unspoken sensuality. She did. And I believe that about her too. I know she was classically beautiful, but you know those legs were like snakes when she got her all like ready to be romantic.

Well, we don't want to talk about the royalty that way. Why not? The royal family. I've heard you talk shit about the royal family on multiple occasions. In fact, we're going to Canada tonight. And I'm sure I'm going to hear Diatribe as soon as we land on the royal family. About the queen and the prince, but not Miss Diana. I didn't like that documentary they made about her recently.

They exposed too much. Leave her alone. Her kids are alive. Well, let's start with our first story, The Skulls Who Had Sex. What's this story about, Marcus? What could this story possibly be about? It's got a twist. Okay.

Oh, yeah. It's not just skulls having sex. Well, okay. Maybe I'm giving away too much. Don't give it away. Well, this story takes place long ago in England between Bolton and Barry in Lancashire at a place called Timberbottom Farm, somewhere in the early 1800s. As a tall guy, that's what I call my butt, the Timberbottom.

I just hate the way that English people name things. Why has it been this way? It's fun. Why do they do this? It all just sounds like gnomes naming their pets. Oh, Timberbottom. Timberbottom, off the couch. Get off the couch.

Well, sometime in the early 1800s, a pair of skulls were found in a ditch along a small stream. This was their version of Netflix. Check the ditch. Wow. Right there. It's a show right there. You don't know any more than that.

What are you, some kind of puffer? You want something more and more entertaining than two skulls facing each other? Probably used to be just a couple of orphans. Oh, my. Well, for some reason, the owner of Timberbottom Farm thought the best thing to do was to take the skulls home, not because they were cool, but so he could use them to ward off evil spirits. Bad idea.

I like it. I could see that. No, it's not. I could see that working. No, it is not. Two skulls kissing? The kissing part is fine. It's having the skulls, thinking that that's going to scare away ghosts.

But it's obviously ghost kitty litter. That's what scares away ghosts because they're in love and love conquers all. Well, unfortunately for the farmer, bringing ditch skulls into your home usually tends to increase paranormal activity rather than ward it away. But for many years, the skulls sat on the mantle in the upstairs bedroom without a single peep coming from the skulls. What a waste. What a waste.

It wasn't until the lady of the house accidentally knocked one to the floor while cleaning and it did the activity begin. Man, he just went over to, he just grabbed that maid and he put her over his knee and he gave her the shellacking of her life and she just squirmed. She just squirmed and writhed and giggled almost at the ferocity of his spank. Have you not masturbated this month? What's wrong with you right now? I save it.

Well, it was not this incident, however, that caused the haunting in question. It was only when the sun took the skull out for repairs did the haunting of timber bottom farm begin. Where do you take this fucking skull to get repaired? That's exactly what I was thinking. Well, honey, they think we were stupid for opening up this skull repair shop, but look who's coming through the door, a satisfied customer. Well, I'm just glad that our son is an expert at manufacturing skulls.

Yes, mother, the only way to truly make a skull is to peel back the flesh, and then if you want to pull the skull back together, you simply wish the devil to do it. Ding ding, I've got two skulls here for you. I've broken one. Thank God! I'm so glad you came! Well, the night that the skull was out for repairs, a man was heard calling out into the darkness from the skull room as if he was looking for someone he had lost.

When the farmer and his son opened the door to see who was in there, an eerie light had filled the room and objects were floating in the air. Needless to say, the farmer put a rush order on the skull repair and it was returned by the next night. I was most saddened to part with my new friend. How dare you wrestle him from my hands? I named it Amy Winehouse. We gotta get it back to the paying customer there, son.

But something about separating the skulls had opened up the ghostly floodgates as two nights later, during dinner, the farmer and his family heard an argument taking place upstairs once again in the skull room. When they checked the room, the light from before had coalesced into full-blown apparitions of two men dressed in medieval clothes, pushing and shoving each other in the midst of an argument in a language the farmer didn't understand. I just feel like it's like Jeffrey Rush fighting with Johnny Depp just trashed. Oh no, how many times does this happen?

During the filming of Parents of the Caribbean 4, where they just rolled into a neighborhood in full fucking costume. Just constantly. And when the ghost happened to knock over an object, the object would ricochet around the room like a bullet before settling into an orbit around the ghostly melee. Then a third apparition appeared, this one of a woman in a red dress. She tried separating the men, but in the frockest was thrown to the floor. She disappeared as she landed, and the two men followed her, and all the objects in the room

returned to their original positions. I feel like if you are a woman and you don't want to die, never wear a red dress. No. It's always a red dress. It's never like a nice purple or like a blue gown. It hides blood. That is the point of a red dress, is that it hides blood. It's supposed to be like when you get stabbed, but they can't see you, but you're still at

your own wedding. And I think the woman in the red dress was Emma Watson. And that's a blind items reveal. And why does this haunting sound like the Haunted Mansion? It could be. Well, Ben, I know what you're thinking right now. What are you thinking? Now I'm thinking about Eddie Murphy in the Haunted Mansion, which was a comedy classic.

Well, I know it's in the back of your mind. Just get rid of the skulls. Get rid of the skulls. If the skulls are the problem, get rid of the skulls. Oh, I was thinking skull therapy. And they did try to get rid of them, even going so far as to throw them back in the same ditch where they were found. But the ghosts were now firmly anchored in the farmer's bedroom.

Tell me, is this my dressing room? I'm still in character. I want an Oscar for this. I can't do a Jack Sparrow impression. I don't think you're drunk enough for it. Well, finally, the skulls were set on the family Bible, which was apparently large enough to hold two full-size human skulls. The activity stopped for a few months, so the family decided to try again with using

them as decoration. The activity started right back up where it left off, but the tenor of the haunting changed quite a bit the second go round. What is a creepier paperweight? The booby weight that Jerry Brutus was using, or these skulls? I don't know. Obviously, the booby weight is much creepier, because I would have a skull paperweight. Marcus would have one.

Marcus has a raccoon penis bone in his house. This is not how you win this argument. You guys are extremely creepy. Well, I just want to say we have stuff in our homes. Marcus has got certain paraphernalia in his home that makes him super creepy, and I have stuff. I don't know if I should even reveal the stuff that I have in my home that has to sit in a drawer because Natalie won't let me mount it. But it's not human breasts.

I see. It's just stuff. I've got no less than six skulls in my apartment. Okay. Three cow, one horse, one deer. So I guess that's five. Yes, you go fuck yourself. No, wait, I have seven, because I've also got a deer and a coyote.

And I do want to point out that that was an unprompted reveal, Marcus. But this is, Marcus, can I also ask this? In your skull roundup, why don't you also list you and Carolinas? Because we don't stay in the house. It has to be detached. It has to be detached all the time. Then yes, that would be two more skulls in there, but our skulls move around. My skull is here right now.

It's a creepier reveal to say nine skulls and end with you and Carolinas. That's where they'll end up when you die. Well, back to the haunting, the second go-round, as I said, the tenor had changed quite a bit. The fighting had apparently been resolved as the sounds of an argument were replaced by the heavy breathing of a man mid-coitus. Man, if it sounds anything like me, then it sounded like... Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. You're doing good.

Just a farmer who had a big dinner trying to fit into yesterday's pants. Well, when the family again looked into the room, it was pitch black, but the sounds of copulation were obviously coming from the skulls themselves. Awesome, like Bluetooth speakers. Now, evidently, something had been resolved because from that point forward, the haunting died down. Sure, there were some intermittent grunts, groans, and moans, but only in sporadic bursts rather than a full-on push. What do ghost couples fight about?

They don't need food, they don't need anything. Well, a gossip around town was that many years before, a young farmer had fallen in love with the daughter of a local lord, which the lord naturally did not approve of. A scuffle between the young farmer and the woman's brother occurred, and the lover was accidentally killed by a blow to the head. That's not an accidental kill, that's a murder. Involuntary manslaughter.

I would say manslaughter at the most. It's not first-degree or second-degree murder, that's manslaughter. Did you ever see Conair? Yes, of course I've seen Conair, I'm an American. Listen, you have to understand this, when you become a senator, you're going to have to learn how to navigate around this. Manslaughter is very different than premeditated murder. I understand.

Oh, just remember that, that's your go-to. It's always accidental. She slipped off the boat. I understand. The Natalie Wood argument, when Ted Kennedy murdered that woman with his car by leaving her to die. Yes, I understand. Matthew Broderick, Matthew Broderick did the same thing.

Yeah, I just learned that recently. Yeah, he killed a man. That's wild. Yeah, Vince Neil, too. Really? Yeah. Matthew Broderick also sits with it with a heavy guilt. I actually literally went drinking with him one evening

doing, when we shot a pilot together, and he brought it up several times over a very full glass of whiskey. No. Well, that's, he's a good guy, then. Great, frankly. Good guy. Well, I'm telling you, Ted Kennedy would brag about it. Yeah.

Well, the girl in the story, quote-unquote, died of grief soon after, and out of respect for their love, the local lord had the two lovers buried together. But just how the skulls and nothing else ended up in a ditch is still a mystery. And by the most serious decree, I say that these two young lovers shall be buried together in most romantic ceremony. Lop off the head, though, because I want to see everyone cry just once I am a lord.

Yeah. I'm also sure that this, whoever put them together in that cough and did some creepy stuff pushing, you know, and all that nonsense. Oh, look at this. Look at this. In death, it's fun to see that everybody gets the girl of their dreams, and you just put one inside the other. Grigor, get up out of there.

You are a trainee. You are a great digger trainee. Get out. Well, our next story is called Fanny of Cock Lane. Very good. Very much in our wheelhouse. Very much in our wheelhouse of human. For decades, 20 cock lane in London was known to be a hot lane.

I hope no other men move in here or I'll have to call it 21 cock lane. We have to keep on changing the damn name of the lane. Well, 20 cock lane had been known for decades as a hotbed of poltergeist activity, as most old buildings in England are. They were literally full poltergeist police officers in England. It's all ghosts. It's mostly ghosts because they're constantly paying for the crimes that they did. They invented imperialism, sorta.

You know what I mean? They definitely took it to the next level. They were boat based. Any culture that's boat based is gonna have a lot of ghosts. Well, one haunting in particular at 20 cock lane involved a young servant named Fanny. And did you guys know that Fanny is now a slang term for vagina in England? Vagina. Yes, I did.

Yes, I did. Did you know that, Ben? It seems like they gotta get it fixed then. I just, Fanny does not seem... It's vulgar. Is it vulgar? Fanny is known to be a vulgar word. Are we saying swear words?

When we say fanny pack, the English have a very, they have a chuckle at us. Really? Because that assumes that they're using their vaginas as a purse. Yes, exactly. Oh my goodness. It was filled with food for the winter. Like they are hamsters. They go inside out of hamsters.

Now also, yes, cause Fanny's supposed to be naughty. Really? Fanny's like a pussy. Pussy. And so like Fanny of Cock Lane is for Americans, it's like saying pussy of dick Lane. I see. So do they call him pussy packs? I'm confused.

They call him bum bags. Bum bags. So they wear them sort of near the rear there. Yeah, well, I mean, I think... I don't know where exactly they wear them, but I do know that they call them bum bags. Interesting. Pro wrestlers love fanny packs. Don't know why.

Oh, they don't have pockets. Ah, that's right. Well, Fanny served at the pleasure of a tenant at 20 Cock Lane named John Kent. Now Fanny was a superstitious girl from the countryside looking for a taste of big city living and was not the brightest bulb on the tree. I tell me, when you move to the sea, does everybody go everywhere on slides? I hate, back in the day, that everybody went everywhere on fun slides in surely courts. And everybody's got a butler.

Is it real? That's right. Or am I the butler now? You're the butler. Because I don't know. If you don't have a butler, are you then a butler? Yeah, for every 10 people, there's a butler and you don't see a butler around. You're the butler.

That was a classic 20 Cock Lane joke. Yeah, thank you very much. I'm just, I gotta tell you, I'm quite peckered. I'm quite nanored. I need quite a bit of a snack. Thank goodness I smashed all this stuff inside my own Fanny packet. I got Jackie in there. Well, by the time Fanny started working at 20 Cock Lane in the 1750s,

it had already been a long-established haunted house. And after she started working there, Kent told her there was only one way he knew of to keep the piece. How is that? Yeah. He said that the only thing that stopped Poltergeist activity was copious amounts of dirty, dirty sex. What? How convenient for the man. Well, unfortunately for Kent, his wife was no longer up for Ghostbustin, if you know what I mean.

Sex. Everyone knows what you mean. So Fanny had to take her place. Kent convinced Fanny that if she wanted to live a fright-free life, they needed to have sex as often as humanly possible. But what do I do with my granola balls that are inside me, so? So I move them around to my bum packer. I've got my bum pack back behind it.

I'll just put them in my ass then. Oh my goodness. A human pez, I guess. Well, at first, she actually enjoyed the seemingly supernatural power of their affair, but she got pretty bored with the whole damn thing pretty fast. When things started to slow down and Fanny started making excuses as to why she wouldn't sleep with Kent, he told her that the spirits had spoken to him and had been disappointed by the lack of sexual energy in the house. I have a feeling that this Kent guy wears aviators because he sounds like David Koresh.

Kent also said that if the affair didn't recommence, then the haunting was sure to start back up. Kent even took it a step further, saying that if that happened, then the person refusing the sex would be responsible and would die soon after. Man, it sounds like he's making all this up. Yeah. Just to have sex with the new Fanny on the block. And then kind of threatening her life if she doesn't. Well, Fanny stood strong as by this point, she had figured out that most likely Kent had been the source of the haunting all along.

I'm clever enough. I'm clever enough. Don't say I'm not. Sometimes I put my body on upside down, but that's also just because I got things on my mind. Kent only agreed to end the affair after Fanny threatened to tell his wife about the whole thing. But as she was leaving, Kent said, Be it as you wish, but mark my words, young woman, you will be dead within the month. And she was.

Wow. I can't believe he called that given their life expectancy was exactly the age that she was. Well, the rumor mill said that John Kent had poisoned her with arsenic, but he was never brought to justice for his crimes. All we know is that when Fanny's body was exhumed by ghost hunters in the 1800s, the body was remarkably well preserved. A tell tale sign of arsenic poisoning. Oh, look at right here, Barbara. It seems right here within her own Fanny.

Yeah, she's got a full red apple. It must be arsenic. Hmm. Oh, there is a very, very, very good deduction there. Janata. Yes, my name is Janata. So do you mind now that we have finished our investigation? Can I know?

Do not touch the corpse. I am sick and tired of all diddling these corpse. A lot of wild stuff happening there. Do you think the ghost hunters were annoying like modern day ghost hunters? Just said they're screaming at the corpse. Just screaming at the ghost. Wake up. Wake up.

If you're not a ghost, wake up then. Yes, we have some ghost hunters that listen to us. We like them, but I want to see friendly ghost hunters. Yeah. Hey, buddy. Come on out, bud. Hey, man. I got a fantasy football league.

One more player who wants it. Yeah. You just sit down with the rest game and you set it for four, but you only have three people there and then we're like, well, let's see if he takes come Choctaw. Well, as an interesting post script to this story, the next person who rented the house, a one Mrs. Elizabeth Parsons also reported poltergeist activity. Word spread and soon all in London knew what was going on in 20 cock Lane. And that's when a writer named Samuel Johnson took it upon himself to investigate.

He bound Elizabeth and her children's arms and legs and suspended all the furniture in the house from ropes from the ceiling to see if the poltergeist activity continued. Between this guy and the Warrens, who is the dumber poltergeist detective? I would say the Warrens because they didn't have the fun of getting to tie up a whole family. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately for the family, the noises stopped during the binding and Elizabeth Parsons was jailed for fraud.

She was jailed. She was jailed. She was jailed. She was bound against her will and then for her punishment, she was tied up again and hung from the ceiling again. That doesn't make any sense. Well, the next story occurred in Newstead Abbey, said to be one of the most haunted places in all of Britain.

This one is called the Marriage Bed Monk. It's said that the source of these hauntings were a group of monks who lived there for 400 years and were secretly members of a quote unquote magical inner brotherhood. They made love to each other. Or they jokingly called it the flatulence society and they just sat in a room farting. When the monks were ousted by Henry VIII, they placed a curse upon the Abbey and from then on, the house was beset by apparitions of monks dressed in black, roaming the halls. The monks were often seen as portents of doom for if a person was sick and a monk appeared

by their bedside, it was believed that that person would die soon after. But deathbeds weren't the only beds the monks popped up beside. Thank you for making it sexy, Marcus. I guess so, yes. The episode is called Sexy Gifts. Part two. That's right. What's the, what's the name of the old guy there and everyone loves Raymond the father?

He always offensive. Peter Boil? They all look like Peter Boil. And nothing makes that new couple hornier than the grim visage of Peter Boil staring at you. Exactly. And that's where the monks showed up. They were known to enjoy the company of newlyweds, particularly on the night of their first sexual

embrace. One young man said immediately after his first big finish, oh my goodness, did he call it the big one? It was a small finish. Yeah, please. Oh, come on. Yeah. First time you have sex, you're telling me you didn't have a big finish.

I think they're all the same finish. Well, after his big finish, blood started to uncontrollably squirt from his penis. Well, no, you know, honestly, that is a big finish. That is a big finish. That's a big finish. Yes. And when he put his hands down to the general area of the squirtin', the blood disappeared. And when the man looked up, he saw the mocking smile of a monk who then disappeared into

the darkness. You just got monk-ed. Oh my goodness, the Ashton Kutcher, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather of Ashton Kutcher, the first prank show of all time, you just got monk-ed. So what's the show all about, man? Just an elevator pitch. I'll sneak into the rooms of a newlywed couple just before the moment through, calm some sump-sion.

Uh-huh. And then I make blood spurt from the erect member, and I laugh my life over a thousand dead years. Dang, oh, this is my elevator floor. You know, it might not be great for HBO, but you should go talk to Vice. No, no, no, no, no. I think that might be good for Vice media. But didn't I just say you just got monk-ed?

Oh, you know what, I'm actually not even going to get off on this floor. Let's talk further. It's all in the title. Another couple said that when they finished, they found they could not separate their genitals from each other, held, quote, as if bound by unseen tethers. You should see what we are going to do to a young Mr. Justin Bieber, who has the body of a woman playing Peter Pan, and the face of a woman playing Peter Pan. Huh.

You are bound by lettuce, you just got monk-ed. You got monk-ed. You know, you don't have the body for whatsoever, nor really the look, but you sound like Pinhead from Hellraiser. You do a great Pinhead. What about that one Cinnabide that was in, I think, like Hellraiser 3, the one that had the glasses? Yeah, I always called them Cinnabun.

You're the cutest. I'm a Cathy. Hey, what day don't I like? What? I actually don't like a lot of days. A diet is just dye with a T at the end of it. Oh yeah, the fat one shot CDs out of his face. I love that guy.

I love that guy too. Yep. You could play him, Henry. Yeah, I can't wait for that. My career is going to go great. Things are going great. Well, the couple who were bound together, they screamed to tell a servant came, at which point the spell was broken.

And then there was the time a whole order of monks showed up all at once to haunt a couple, or maybe the monks were there to haunt the sex monk. That is very thick. That's a lot of layers. Yeah. So the sex monk is dead now. No, the sex monk has always been dead. The sex monk is dead.

Well, the sex monk is a ghost. That's the sexy ghost. You misunderstand everything. Yeah, sometimes. So on their second night of marriage, a young couple had just undressed and were ready to get down to business. Just then, a monk appeared in the corner, followed by a terrible smell. You just got munked.

You've been munked. That's also, I need to come up with another term for when I fart. The couple's attention was then drawn to the floor where pools of an unknown white sticky substance had started to gather and bubble. That's what you're going to do soon, inside of her. Oh, my. We love to each other. Will you please show me how?

Before the couple had time to react, another monk walked out of the walls. That monk was followed by another, and another, and another, two abreast until the room was full of monks. Is this not the meetup? Is this not what we're supposed to? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. This is no room.

Oh, no room whatsoever. Oh, no, absolutely. We're tip to tip in here. We're tip to tip. Excuse me. This is no simple item. I'm so sorry. Were you two trying to make love to each other?

Listen to that while we were. Oh, that's most unfortunate. Oh, yeah. Kind of ruined it there. Well, when the room was filled with monks, the sex monk got extremely annoyed and seemed to be invisible to all the other monks in the room. Just then, the pools vanished, and it seemed to the couple as if the sex monk's fun had been ruined.

Oh. Well, in fact, his whole mojo seemed to get thrown up. As they said, he looked like he was trying to dematerialize, but he couldn't. He just stood there waving his arms around in angry gestures and just like, get it. Work, work. Every stand-up comedian when they're bombing on stage, just like, and I'm gone, I disappear. I disappear. It's kind of like that weird and dignit, like, if you ever had that, I remember it was me

and Eddie from Roundtable Gentlemen. I think it was you two, Kissel. I'm not sure. Was it Marcus? We were on the sixth train, and we were standing together on a, like, we got a pl- the train opened up, and I forgot what street it was, like, the 23rd Street, and there was a homeless man masturbating, and then he looked at us, and he got this, like, god damn it, like, just like, look at his face, and then he just kept trying to masturbate while he was looking

at us. It's like the same kind of man. Yeah. He literally treated the subway like a vending machine for humans, and then three massive dudes came out, and he's like, that is not what I was talking about. Yes, man, look, when I guess, when life gives you lemons, you just jerk yourself off all over the inside of your pants. I suppose.

Well, finally, the monk's powers returned, he dematerialized, and the couple resumed their marital business. Now, all right, now spread the Maldry. Ah. Wonderful. A wonderful evening that we have had. Now, the story of this horny monk was actually immortalized in the Lord Byron poem, Danuan. Really?

Here is an excerpt. By the marriage bed of their lords, Tis said, he flits on the bridal eve, and his held his fate to the bed of death. He comes. But not to grieve. He comes to be a ghost cuck, and just hang out in the corner while you're having sex with your new wife. Get out!

Get-go! Well, our next story is called The Naked Five Who Refused to Die. Man, that's kind of a fucking awesome name. It is. The Naked Five Who Refused to Die also sounds like a new version of a Grindhouse World War II movie. Yeah, I like this title a lot. Tarantino could do something with it.

Oh, without a doubt. Especially Rodriguez. I like Rodriguez's Grindhouse better. Yeah, I like Rodriguez's Grindhouse a hell of a lot better, Planet Terror was fucking amazing. Yeah. Now, this story takes place not in the privacy of the bedroom, but rather in the open air of Trafalgar Square.

What are we going to call the square like Henson Square? Trafalgar! What was that? Trafalgar! Tra-trafalgar? It's the first sound that a king makes when he stubs his toe. You wake up in the morning. Trafalgar!

Trafalgar! All right. In December of 1990, a woman named Margaret Denning was waiting alone in the deserted square for her boyfriend to come pick her up from a party. And as she stood there in the cold, she saw in the distance what appeared to be five naked men dancing and yelling with joy, not the least bit affected by the December temperatures. Now how do we know that this has not read hot chili peppers? We don't.

Yes, I was thinking also that like the Harry Krishnas have really taken it to the next level. Well, the five naked men's attentions turned to Margaret and they started dancing around her in a circle, cheering and hooting. If five men that are naked start dancing around you in a circle, you are allowed to tug, pull, punch. You can do whatever you want to them to have them stop dancing around you. Now two of them even started taunting Margaret with their junk, waving it in a general direction.

And this was Margaret's limit, who not surprisingly didn't exactly enjoy five naked strangers dancing around her in a circle and yelling. She took a pointed comb out of her purse and stabbed at the men's genitals again and again. Who to her surprise, were not the least bit bothered. Give it away, give it away, give it away now, give it away, give it away, give it away now. They keep saying the same thing over and over again and none of them have talent. Well, just then Margaret heard her boyfriend call her name. She turned her head to look and when she turned back around, she saw the naked men slowly fade

away. I just picture like their bodies slowly fade away with their dicks or the last thing to fade away. It's just kind of weird. Fat, fat, fat, it just looks like a bunch of bananas hanging on a clothesline. Yeah. Just a deleted, just a Disney scene when they first draw it because there's all those dicks in all the Disney movies and I think they start with the cocks and draw around them.

If we make a whole movie about mermaids, it'll be easy to put dicks in because Coral looks like dicks. Good work Greg. Now, there can really only be one explanation for the five naked men. Back in the 15th century, five young men stood on the gallows not too far away from where Margaret had been waiting. This was in the days of the public execution when hangings and the like were really the only entertainment the poor could afford as it was provided by the state free of charge

for every man, woman and child to watch. I can't wait for it to come back. Yeah. Do you think that the hangman came up to them and be like, you're about to be hung and then one of the guys was like, I already am. And then he was Matthew McConaughey. All right. All right.

All right. And then the guy just cut his dick off just threw it to the crowd or they batted it back and forth like it was a fucking cat toy because everybody was a savage. Yeah. Well, that was actually that was a desperate living at John Waters film. Yeah. The penis cutting off scene and I believe it. Doc did end up using that as a chew toy.

Yep. Yep. Desperate living. My favorite John Waters movie. It's one of the best. Absolutely. It's a key to the public. But as we shall soon see, one could actually gain something from attending a public execution.

So the five men were said to have conspired together to commit a murder, but they maintained they were innocent, saying exonerating evidence had been discovered and a reprieve was on its way. All they had to do was wait just a few more minutes. But of course, the crowd was interested in justice as they had come to see a hanging and a hanging was what they were going to see, especially five at once, which had to be a treat. It really did.

That had to be fun. Kind of like seeing the 98 degrees back in the day. Oh, yes. I think there was only three of them, though. I doubt that. You got to have five. You have to have a pentatent to do a boy group. Well, a clergyman tried to calm down the crowd saying, please just wait five more minutes.

But the people being no more patient 500 years ago than they are today refused to back down. It's pronounced Oregon. It's pronounced. You guys are caught up on this Oregon. It's pronounced. Oregon. Who cares? It's pronounced.

Oregon. You can. It's Oregon. Apparently I say this right, but I just stumbled upon some. How do you say Oregon? Oregon. Oregon. Oregon.

I think it's pronounced. Regot. I don't even know. We'll go next time. We're there. We'll figure it out. So to prevent a riot and possibly his own murder, should things get really out of hand, the clergyman gave in and the hangman did his duty.

The men were then stripped naked and their clothes were thrown out into the crowd, as was the custom at the time. Oh, so it was like a thrift store. Yeah. But it's a dead man's. It's still a dead man's clothes, but you had just seen him die. That's awesome though. Yeah.

But you got to, that's fresh. That's brand new. That's not like, because even in the thrift store, you know they're coming from dead people. They're not taking off the dead body. They're on the alive body and then the strip naked, but then they're dead. So that's an alive person's clothes. No. That's like, I think they got to be wearing them when dead.

No, no, no, no. You get it right before. That's like farm to table. You know what I mean? It's snow to hoof. That's a tough one actually. I think if you're wearing it while you're alive, you take it off while you're alive, but then you die.

That's an alive person's clothes. I guess you're kind of right. It technically is. Thank you. Yeah. Wow. I will mark that as a victory. Well, after the hanging, but before the second act of quartering the bodies was about to

begin in which they butchered the men in public for the crowd's amusement, a writer appeared with a message. Oh, sorry. Hello, everyone. Wait. Wait. Hello. Am I late?

A little late. Oh, Tafalga. I can't believe I fucked this up. Yeah. It's named after when the king stubs his toe. Did you know that? Tafalga. Tafalga.

So, sure enough, the boys had been reprieved, and the minister angrily read the message out loud to make the crowd feel at least a little bit bad that they had forced him to hang five innocent men. Look what you did. Look what you all did. It's got to be such a strange feeling, but as he was reading it, five ghostly figures rose from the dead bodies of the naked men. The hangman tried to get the crowd to throw back the clothes to at least give the ghost

a little dignity back, but all he got for his troubles was a chorus of fuck-offs on the assembled rabble. Wow. Now, the ghosts didn't appear to realize they were actually in fact ghosts. A couple were even a little pissed that the crowd wouldn't give back their clothes, but for the most part, the ghosts were all jumping for joy, thinking that they had cheated death. What I've got you got to give it to your mama. What I've got you got to give it to your papa.

What I've got you got to give it to your daughter. Throwing away everything there, it's a fire sale of the Red Hot Chili Peppers fire sale. Giving it all away. The ghost then ran off naked as anything as the crowd stood and stared, and over the next 300 years, the five naked men were seen from time to time in this general area, but the sightings had ended around the 1700s. It seems as if the only person who has seen them since then, or at least the only person who talked about it, was Margaret Denning on that cold December night in 1990.

And I tell you what, and I've said it to my boyfriend, and I'll say it again, I'll always remember the dicks. Well at least they get to be with each other. Yeah. That's kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, they're all buddies. Yeah.

Yeah, because who wouldn't want... I mean, how much would you love it if the three of us, for the rest of eternity, naked together running around New York City, just screaming and yelling? Yeah. Well, you know what is life? And technically, we've been recorded, so we are together forever and ever and ever, even when we all die. It's true.

Well, that's at least until the gigantic electromagnetic pulse wipes out every single computer on Earth, and, you know, we're just lost to the ages. You're not backing all these up with cassette tape? No. What are we even doing here? Well, I'm here now. I have a 12-year-old solemnly at work carving our words into papyrus as we speak. Well, our next story comes again from London in the mid-1700s, although whether it's of

a sexual nature or not is up for debate. This one is called The Ghosts Who Broke Wind. Now, you made this sexual. No, I did not made it. I did not make it sexual. Oh, actually, the Internet made this sexual. No, not the Internet made it. It's Colin Waters who wrote The Pregnant Ghost, and other sexual hauntings made it sexual

because he included a story called The Ghosts Who Broke Wind in his book about sexual hauntings. So now, when Colin, is that his name? Colin Waters. Colin Waters. Colin Waters. Colin Waters. When he was writing this book, and like, let's say he has a wife or a girlfriend, and she's like, you know, they're late, he's late for their first anniversary dinner, and she starts

knocking on the door, and he's like, not now. I'm in the middle of The Ghosts Who Broke Wind. If you bother me again, Wendy, it's over. It just seems like a difficult book for an author to complain about being interrupted while writing. I also find out, did you read his follow-up book? No. He's got a lot of tales of Brazilians farting on cakes.

He is. He can't even get out of a men's bathroom at an airport. A birthday cake from a Brazilian baker, and it's a perfect cake. He's like, oh, not done yet. Here it is. A little fudge for every cake. So in 1750, a man bought a building which had been vacant for many years on St. James Street.

As soon as tenants moved in, the phantom farts began. The entire building was plagued with the smells of rotten eggs, rotten cabbage, and quote-unquote, sulfurous fumes. I just think that's what it would smell like if you lit a candle that just was called 1750. Yeah, most likely. Well, it wasn't just a smell. All throughout the house, the sounds of flatulence could be heard day and night. I'm just going to say that's kind of fun.

That is kind of fun. It is. It is cute. It's cute. No, the house was already old in 1750, and the owner figured that maybe he could at least do something about the smell. So he tore out all the wood paneling and treated the inside walls with quick lime, but that only made things worse.

As now they were seeing actual ghosts floating, farting, and silently laughing to themselves, competing to see who could fart the loudest. It seems like it would make for a very fun 1750 glade plug-in commercial, you know, sea breeze. It does seem like an Adam Sandler period piece, but it would still shoot it in Hawaii so he could wear his cargo shorts every single day. Every day. You can see that they did the garbage.

That's my Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler, by the way, I learned this yesterday, is still the third highest-paid actor. He made roughly $60 million last year. Woo! That's incredible. Thank you for donating to our Patreon. We love every single one of them. Well, the owner decided that there was nothing he could do about the farts, so he flipped

and reversed the whole situation, written out the rooms to people looking for a night of laughs, showcasing what came to be known locally as the blashing ghosts. This is just for Colin Waters. This is all that he wants. He thinks that this is the sexiest, naughtiest thing in the world. He's like, and he's like, for laughs, yeah, for laughs. Meanwhile, he's just walking through there with his mouth open like a whale shark trying to get as much ghost shit particles in his mouth as he can.

But unfortunately, this didn't exactly gain the owner repeat business as the novelty of trying to sleep in a room full of farts wore off pretty fast. Now, tell me one thing, Greg. Why did you think for a second that this was going to help heal our marriage? Why did you think, oh, just think, babe, babe, you just are so serious all the time, babe. It's just that you, this is what you think of me. No, eventually, the owner was forced to sell at a greatly reduced price and every owner thereafter thought they had the solution to fix the farts, but all were unsuccessful.

Then young man who stayed in the house said he on the regular saw a ghost peek it over the bottom of his bed while it farted trying to gauge the guy's reaction. This is kind of cute. It's fun. They should have gotten little dogs in there. That would have really put it over the edge. Our next story takes place on the outskirts of Grimsby in the year 1700. It all started when the widow of a farmer complained that the fire in her cottage had

started to blow back down the chimney. Whatever that means. Do you know what that means? What is it? Do you not know? What was the statement? The fire. The fire in her cottage has started to blow back down her chimney.

I don't think she opened the flu. I don't think she had a flu. Did they have a flu? You got to have a flu otherwise everything comes through. You have to have a flu. It sounds like the feeling I was getting when my gumbo started growing. His gumbo being his hemorrhoid. I understood.

I know. Well, maybe the listeners don't know. I don't know if they want to know. Well, a local chimney sweep was called in to see if maybe some dislodged bricks were causing the problem. But in the process of rooting around, the chimney sweep dislodged something else altogether. As he was cleaning, he managed to get his sweep stuck up in there. And unable to get it loose himself, the sweep called in three townsfolk to help him pry

it free. And after trying unsuccessfully for five minutes, whatever force was holding the broom in place suddenly let loose. And it was so sudden that the man who was pulling the hardest flew back and hit the back of his head against the wall so hard he cracked open his skull and was killed instantly. The room was then filled with soot and a swirling light circled around in the air. Then a huge mass of green gelatinous goo oozed out of the fireplace and wrapped itself around the widow's face who fell to the floor and started convulsing.

Oh my goodness. Is this like a weird prequel to Mary Poppins? It does feel like a Ghostbusters 2. Yeah. It seems like being a chimney sweep was quite an exciting job back in the day. I mean if there's some green gelatinous goo involved. No. No?

No. What do you mean? You get to be a coal miner but like in someone's living room. That's awful. Yeah, that's the worst. A coal miner, at least you have the camaraderie of the other men. You've got the solitude of rock. There you just got a shrieking widow while you're getting soot all over everything and

she's hitting you with her rolling pin. I guess. It's really dirty. That is one way to. You should have been there for the Chilean miners. Great movie by the way. I actually watched. You'd be like at least you have the solitude of rock.

They would have loved that reassurance. Well two pieces of the goo then broke off from the main mass, stripped the three men nude except for their boots and belts and glommed onto their genitals. Interesting. Yeah. So it's like if the movie, what is it? With flubber? You're thinking of flubber.

A flubber. Flubber. Was making sex toys. That is fun. Yeah. Kind of a. Well other townsfolk who heard the screams opened the door to find that the woman's entire face had been eaten down to the bone.

Although her hair was completely unharmed and the men's genitals had suffered the same fate. Whoa. The only. But were there, were the bush hairs were fine though? I'm assuming that the bush hairs were still there. If they left the woman's hair then assuming, then presumably they left the bush hair intact on the men as well.

I see. At least I'm presuming. I would assume so. They're not hair ghosts I guess. If we were scientists we would agree with ourselves. You know what I mean? If that is a, scientists would say that as well. The only survivor was the chimney sweep.

But he'd been badly injured in the fracas and died just a few weeks later. All of this comes from the mouth of the chimney sweep. Oh, and you can always trust someone who speaks and then spits a bunch of black stuff out of their mouth and then speaks again. Sometimes I'm prom too dense. But I won't right now because I feel no joy because something bit my fucking dick off. Oh classic chimney sweep. I really wish we could go to a tavern during this time and just hear the fun stories.

Oh yeah. Well every surface of the house had been covered in greenish soot that smelled like rotten eggs. Every surface that is except for the fireplace which was pristinely clean as if it had just been built. And the family who moved in after the widow had a hell of a time as well. Not too long after their arrival they started hearing a voice coming down from the chimney saying vile things about the woman of the house.

You've got bad shoes and you don't have a sense of humor. You're a bad driver. You like iron fist on Netflix. You disgusting woman. The ghost cuts deep. Well the husband decided he was going to camp out on the roof to see who was quote unquote playing the devil's jest. But when the wife awoke the next morning she found her husband lying on the ground wearing

only belt and shoes. Just like the three men before and just like the three before him his genitals had been burned away leaving only his pubic hair. Oh my goodness. It's just sort of like putting a clown wig on the on the on the ground zero. Yeah. Not good. It's just a clown wig on a on a tragedy.

Oh my god. Oh yeah. Oh my goodness. Well our last story takes place at Jedburg Castle in October of the year of our lord 1285 during the wedding of Alexander the third of Scotland. This was King Alexander's second marriage as his first wife had failed to produce an air and he figured he'd give it another go. And so he they peacefully divorced and she was allowed to live peacefully right and like

live the life of just like normalcy right or I believe that her head was in a basket towards the end of their marriage. Yeah. I mean the wedding really didn't make a lot of people in Scotland happy. They didn't agree with divorce and thought the king should come up with some other line of succession and Alexander's astrologers every single one of them said that the stars were not aligned in such a way that October would be a good month for marriage. And if you can't trust a king's astrologer who can you trust.

But being a king Alexander went ahead regardless. So at the reception following the wedding as the king and queen were dancing a near naked man appearing every bit to be a corpse wandered onto the dance floor with a raging erection. Hold on. Just one second here is a who invited Iggy Pop who invited Iggy Pop to this wedding. I want to know now I didn't get an invitation to anybody have any peanut butter. It's not that I want a spirit of my body but not for a performance is that I love collecting birds that's what I've been trying to do Iggy Pop rising bird feeder know most of the other

people dancing thought that this was all a part of the celebration perhaps the start of some fancy show I don't know it sounds like a start of a fancy show it's how time to play erotic horseshoes with the nude boy from down the way. But once the king looked across the hall and noticed a dead man with a boner walking towards him everything came to a screeching hall. It was only when the guards approached the naked man that they realized he was indeed dead. And as soon as they grabbed Adam the dead man disintegrated into a pile of dust and this

was generally accepted as a bad sign yes yes and sure enough only a few months later Alexander the third was dead haven't been thrown from his horse over a cliff. Nature yes nature but he also seemed to have caught I think he came from the Scottish town of Segway sort of like how he is. Now it was days before his body was recovered and it was said that when King Alexander was found he was sporting a huge erection just like the dead man who had appeared months earlier at his wedding feast I'll tell you what that'll happen that'll happen oh my goodness yeah that is Henry reminded me of that hilarious the guy who bought Segway he didn't create

Segway he bought Segway and then just right off a cliff oh my goodness yeah all right well that's sexy ghost part and that last story does have some roots and reality because they call it angel lust because sometimes a penis a dead penis will become engorged with blood and will become rigid yeah really yeah all right well there you have it folks I just how it goes that's how it goes what do we got to do here we're gonna be this will come out right now this week so we're gonna be in Canada yeah we're gonna be in Canada if you're listening to us to this the day that it comes out we're gonna be in Vancouver that night so be sure to get your tickets for that and we're gonna be in Vancouver or we're gonna

be in Calgary this Friday August 25th and I know we got a lot of people coming out for that drive on down I know that we've had some people that are because apparently Canada is quite spread out it's huge it's very large very big yeah come on make the drive down we promise it'll be worth it we got a bunch of other live shows coming up go to last podcast on the left dot com to see all the live show dates do we know Marcus I don't know if we've talked to the venues or not is there validation for sled parking I think that there is I think it's just cars oh yeah that's not right and thanks every to everyone who gave to our patreon and who is currently giving or patreon has patreon works go to

patreon.com slash last podcast on the left to give you get a bunch of free you get a bunch of cool shit in return and we've got a big announcement coming up next week we got some new shit coming up we've got a whole whole new bugaboo happening here at the podcast palace so look out for that next week we got a big announcement we can't wait to unveil what we've been working on and of course as always thanks everyone for listening absolutely and when he says podcast palace I'm looking at a white brick wall and then there is a burnt doll yes so what a palace it is what a palace it is what a palace I make sure you follow us on Twitter at Henry loves you at Marcus parks at Ben kissle follow us on

Instagram a dr. fantasy at Marcus parks at Ben kissle the number one and also follow last podcast on the left on all of the bullshits at LP on the left and I do have some people that did rate and review us on iTunes 5 stars that have said Henry set me on here and I will just randomly just say their names and I don't know what this even means just thumb underscore and M Jim 1 1 2 0 a lot of controversial views on big Jim okay Hobie 79 says what's going on Queenie mom said Henry said me what's going on you fuckers LJ for this app there it is so that's it I want to give a personal thank you to everyone who has been supporting me when I go on this Fox News Radio the live stream has been filled with all of you which

is hilarious because it's a bunch of very shocked Fox News listeners when our listeners get on there and start commenting but that was a really great motivation for me especially with this whole last week with neo nazis and all that stuff your support would really helped me get through having to talk to white nationalists on the telephone controversial week controversial opinions from Ben Kessel not bad right controversial opinion not yeah that is so controversial I just think you're so brave saying Nazis are bad I didn't think I was brave and now I find I might be so thank you all so much and the community is just incredible and I'm so happy that we're all kind of growing together and doing our thing so check out able against

top after everything political sex and other human activities movie sign with the mad someone says it's movie sign with the mad so that's what it is I know that I don't know maybe I was going to movie signs with the mad who cares but anyway movie sign with the mad round table a gentleman mads with the mads move you said mad I'm taking all the yeses you're turning into my mom my mom has always been like oh you know oh you got to go see that though that Batman's Batman's yeah yeah I know that I know that let's yeah so just all the shows thank you all so much for supporting and I'll give a hail yourselves and I'm gonna give you a hail game hail Satan please please hail him these days and hail me at the very

end of all of it because who does the work here for Satan it's me really don't think you do any work for Satan yeah I'm not really sure I don't think that Satan knows that you exist because he's not like real and it's all fake yeah now we're all just we're all just McDonald's franchises of Satan everywhere oh I see yes and of course Magus deletions I want to spend a skeleton jack 86 on Instagram as well he made that hail yourself tattoo wow which is absolutely beautiful so shout outs to you skeleton Jack and go check out this YouTube page all right Magus deletions