Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 292: Listenerpasta V - Babyface

Episode Date: October 28, 2017

It's time for our annual Listenerpasta episode! Join us this year as we hear stories about shadow people, Alex Jones, near misses with serial killers, and real life experiences with murderers. Deep Haze Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Baba Yaga Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Oppressiv

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? It's Halloween time. Fuckin' hogs. Well, I don't think that's appropriate. Can you feel the cold wind blowing? You're literally breathing on my neck.

My breath cold? Yes, you have a serious problem. That's not good. No, it's not. That means I'm dead. Yes. You can see the bones of skeletons. Do that make you feel weird?

Do you have ASMR? I don't care. I'm not here to entertain you like that. I don't know. All right. I want you to sit and think of the most horrifying thing that you can think of. And I'll tell you what it is. Stephen King's butthole.

Can you imagine what it looks like? All right. I don't want to think about what it looks like. Did I tell you my story about seeing David Grunberg's butthole? Welcome to the Last Podcast of the Left First. Exactly. Last Podcast of the Left. This is it.

I'm Ben. That's Marcus. We're here in Los Angeles with Henry. Whoa. Hold on. And we're doing listener posture today. We're going to read a couple of creepy stories ourselves, one each, and then we've got some phone calls coming from you, the listeners.

Going to be an absolutely fantastic, fun episode for Halloween to get you in the spirit. What is this about Stephen King? Well, David Grunberg's butthole. Did I tell you? I've never told this story on air on the show. No, absolutely. David Grunberg's butthole. No, I would have remembered that.

I was at the Hollywood Doctor in Toronto. David Grunberg lives in Toronto. I was doing a fun little George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg's tile prank on my co-star, a hero's reborn, a hero's stillborn, Ryan Goosman. I didn't want to pick up that humble brag there. Yeah. You remember Ryan Goosman. I was on 13 episodes.

I was guaranteed. I got paid for all 13. I was only in 12, which is great. It's great money. Good money. I fucked up. I fucked with his trailer and he was coming back early from set. I thought I was going to scare him because he was really scared of his ex-girlfriend.

So I wrote all his horrible messages all over his mirrors and lipstick so he would scare him. So he came back early and I tried to like sneak away from him and I jumped between these two trailers and I fell over and I stabbed an inch like puncture wound into my leg. And so I had to go to the Hollywood Doctor and normally what they do with the Hollywood Doctor, they treat actors like horses. They're like fucking get back on set. You're a little lousy actor.

I can see you out there dancing with your tiny feet. Show me how you dance. Show me how you sway back and forth with your titties almost like a woman. That's a strange doctor. You don't want to go to that one. So I go to that. I'm in Toronto and of course it's Canada so everything's backwards. And so I go in there and the receptionist is like, oh, the doctor's ready for you.

I got to go back in there. Just go say hello to him. I go back to go say hello to the doctor. I open up the door. As I'm opening the door, I say, hey, this is Henry Zabrowski. I see a man bent over the table, asshole completely out. Lips like spread to the side. Doctors looking down at like he's looking like there's gems at the bottom of that fucking tunnel.

Guy turns around. I see his asshole pan over to his face. It is David Cronenberg, the body horror director. Wow. And I will say his fucking asshole looks like someone punched a pit bull's eye. I'm not sure if we can release this footage. This might be too inside. Oh, we can do this.

I think so. But that's the scariest thing I think of. Yeah. That makes it's the scariest thing that I can think of now too. I just mentioned licking it. All right. We have got to get to let's do some readings. Should we start with a reading or start with a call?

Let's start with a story. Before we start, we could do traditional. All right. We're going to make you spooky. This is spooky. What's the chance to do traditional when you were talking earlier? Well, it's too bad. I'm doing another bit.

I'm going to do something else. All right. You don't remember? All right. You're sitting at home. You're at work. All right. Can you again?

It's it's witching time. It's the witching hour wherever you are right now. So take off them shoes. Take off your socks. Pick up your foot. Just start sucking on one of those toes dirty, dirty, naughty little listener. All right. Now I want you to go big.

You fucking roll up a big old, thick old, thick old piece of fucking mahogany. Some brown. I got some purple weed right now. Oh, okay. It's fucking really nice. It's a hybrid. It's called purple sherbert. That makes sense.

And so you get some purpley nugs. Get them fucking. What's his name? Grimace. Some grimace dicks. You fucking fire it up and you snap it in your lungs like it's a fucking slim gym. Get stoned as fuck for this fucking episode of Listener Pasta number 97. I think it's, well, it's something like that.

You do it. You be entertained. It feels like it's episode 97 at the very least. Who wants to read the first story? Mr. Parks? Do you want to? We're going to listen to it. We're going to go to a caller first.

All right. Here we go. All right. We have Richard with us now. Now, Marcus, you actually know Richard personally. Yeah. We hung out at a sherbert when we did our UK shows. We hung out in sherbert's bus.

A whole bunch of us had kebabs in the park. Yeah. You had your study abroad moment for your sophomore year. I was studying in the UK. I was wondering why he left on the plane with a beret and speaking French because he said it was a superior language. He kept calling things a bonnet and a boot and saying, he's like, yo, you got to come by my flat and all this horseshit.

I have my sophomore year abroad, convinced into one night when I was 33 years old. All right. Well, thanks for calling me, Richard. What's the story? All right. Okay. So this is, to the best of my knowledge, a true story. I've changed some details because a lot of the people are still alive and I don't want

any reprisals. We're going to fucking kill them, Richard. Don't kill them. No. Okay. Right. Okay. So the story is set in the 70s.

So my mum was coming back from a night out with a friend, Tanwin, and it's raining really heavily. And she's in, she's in, she's about 17. She hasn't been drinking long. She's a bit worse for that. So they're trying to get a taxi home and it's raining really heavily. And the taxi rank is really long and violent as it tends to be in Swansea. So this taxi pulls in.

Well, it's not really a taxi. It's the same as one of the cars, but it doesn't have a taxi light on the roof. So my mum jumps in the back and Tanwin jumps in the front because she's a bit of a flirt. So the man's a little bit creepy now. So my mum sat in the back of the car and as they're driving along, she noticed there's no meter, there's no taxi light, there's no radio, whoever this guy was, he wasn't a taxi driver. Was it a rickshaw?

No, Wales is a third-world country, but it's not quite that bad. So yeah, so they're driving now back down the road, but instead of taking the motorway like it usually would, they go down this mountain road. It's a really dark, dark road. So they're driving down and my mum's sitting in the back nervously and Tanwin's flirting with the guy in the front seat. How's it going like? I was waiting how long it was going to take you before you opened your mouth to the entire

people. I'm sorry. Well, this is Welsh so it's even worse than that. But yeah, so he stops the car and when he turns the light on in the car and he adjusts the mirrors, so he's pointing down on my mum's miniskirt, he's trying to have a little peak-up address. My mum closes her legs, feeling quite nervous, so he asks if he want a cigarette. Tanwin takes one of these cigarettes and he's touching her leg now when he's sliding his

leg up this Tanwin's dress. My mum's horrified this guy's old enough to be her dad. So he asks if they want to go out for a walk. It's pouring down right now in Tanwin's like, you crazy, there's no way we're going out for a walk when you're talking about and he's like, he said something like, I thought your girls wouldn't mind getting a bit wet and he pinches her thighs, you know, kind of gross, creepy kind of stuff. Technically agree.

Yeah. No, I don't know. Well, coming from a must-asked man old enough to be their dad while they're alone in a country road makes it slightly more creepy. Last name was Weinstein. It would have been an audition and that would have been very lucky. They learned that word of the comments there. Thank you for the...

I could have been rich. I could have been rich. Weinstein, Jesus, let it go. I'm in Los Angeles. Okay. So we're very far from Los Angeles in this story. So anyway, my mum's horrified now. She wants to go home.

So he agrees to drive him home. So he drops him and I'm off. But he takes Tanwin back. So food is afterwards now. Tanwin's talking. She's having an affair with this guy. She's talking about where he's taking her, that they're having sex with this car, that eventually...

No, sorry, sorry. Having sex in his car, not with his car. He talks about how he's going to eventually leave his wife for her and stuff. So my mum's kind of horrified by this. But Tanwin hasn't had an easy life. Her mum was actually in a mental institution. She shaved all the family's head and tried to burn all the family's possessions in the garden.

So, you know, a little flirtation with the taxi driver is not the worst thing like that. That's a story. So it was about... Yeah. So it was a couple of months later that the murders happened. Two young girls were bludgeoned to death and raped and found in the woods surrounding the mountain road. So loads of guys were taken in now as possible, suspect.

People started locking the doors. Everyone was dead, paranoid, but eventually the trailer ran cold and nobody was caught. So years and years passed now. Two dead innocent girls were dead in the ground. Parents were up at night knowing the justice hadn't been served. So it was around 2000s that a guy got pulled in for drink driving and they had to put his DNA on the new database because he was committing a crime in the UK. He got your DNA put on the database.

And they found that his DNA actually matched the DNA found on some of the victims. But this guy was way too young, way too young to be the murderer. He would have been a child. So after some deduction and burying up his dead father, they actually found that it was his dad that did it. So this guy had died just a couple of, I think about a year earlier in the arms of his family of cancer. So yeah, he kind of got away with it.

But there's another slight twist in the story. So my mum was talking to my sister who was working in a holiday camp. And my sister was saying how she'd gone all the way to England but made friends with a girl that grew up just a few miles from her house. She said, oh, me and Tanwin are going out tonight and get hammered. And I thought, Tanwin, that's a really uncommon name. And she said, that's such a strange name. My friend was called Tanwin, the friend that had an affair with a mountain road murderer.

So my sister laughed at how, you know, nonchalantly she referred to such a horrible crime and stuff. And she turned and told her friend Tanwin. Tanwin got dead upset because she knew a lot about the mountain road murderer because it was actually her father. Yes, yeah. Her mother was very sort of kind of really beaten down from being in such a horribly long relationship with a violent man. She knew that he was having loads of affairs and she was pregnant with her fifth child.

And she found out that he was having an affair with a 17-year-old girl. So she didn't tell him this though. So until she gave birth to the baby and he was holding his newborn baby in his hand. And he said, what are we naming her? And she turned to him and she said Tanwin noted very well that that was the name of the woman he was having an affair with. Wow, that's crazy. Jesus.

She's such a cryptic. Yeah, it is sort of like that leather face, recent leather face movie. Not the most recent. Yeah, so I knew that Tanwin go quite well and she was really nice. She was such a sweet girl and, you know, I'm so horrible that she grew up in a house with a father or murderer and stuff. It's weird to believe your whole life as the punishment of your father. Yeah, very sorry.

Just by you having your name, you're reminding like the most shameful part of their life and the crimes that he did. Yeah, a petty insult is that's your name forever. Yeah. So the only thing I take from this story is obviously he got away with it all his life and he died, you know, as a free man. The only bit of salt I take is that I bet his wife made his life a fucking living hell. Well, yes.

I hope so. Someone's really going to go that far. It's like taking a prank too far. All right, thank you so much for calling Richard, really appreciate that story. My goodness. That's some scary stuff. Yeah, that's great, man. Great story.

It's been a pleasure. I was really worried that Ben was going to read it out, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. No, absolutely. Don't even stress it. You can't fucking read. Well, it's absolutely untrue. Well, I could stop being fun when I read.

It's like saw a preview of what you would be like as a father. I could stop being fun when I read it. Before you have to go to sleep. All right. It's great to talk to you again, man. No problem. Helly south, guys. Helly south, buddy.

All right. We got Maureen with us now. She hung out. She lived, grew up in a haunted house. Isn't that scary? It is very terrifying. I don't love it. Well, thanks for calling in Maureen.

Can't wait to hear the story. Let's just start to start with the whatever the beginning, I guess. Yeah, sure. So, well, I'll just tell you guys like the scariest story I have from the like 25 years my parents have lived in this house and kind of started off with I would be a full blown atheist if it was not for growing up in this house. It's just been lots of crazy stuff over the years. But when I was 15, I lived in the world I didn't live.

My room was in the basement and I got in trouble often for sneaking out as you do. And so the punishment would be to have to sleep up in my baby brother's bedroom so that my parents could keep an eye on me. And basically his room is situated at the end of the hallway on the top floor and the door kind of looks all the way down towards the top of the stairs. And the bed was positioned so that if you were laying on your left side with the door open, you'd be looking all the way down the hallway to kind of set it up. I was trying to sleep with the door open and I had already had a bunch of incidents before

this, but I heard some banging coming from the basement. And so I tried to kind of blow it off like, oh, you know, like the heater's kicking on or whatever. It's no big deal. But then I heard like three loud bangs which kind of pulled me out of it a little bit more, woke me up a little bit more. And then I actually heard what sounded like someone running up the basement stairs, opening the basement door, circling their way around the main floor and then running up the stairs

to the top floor where I was. And so, of course, like that happened and I was immediately like propped up on my arm, looking down the hallway, breathing heavily, freaked the fuck out. And I saw at the end of the hallway at the top of the stairs, like the best way I can describe it is kind of this humanoid looking shadowy figure. And it was bigger than a person would be. But it's basically, it's two top hands were on the top landing of the stairs. And the rest of it, I could kind of tell like it was up on its tippy toes.

I don't know, like its haunches were kind of up high. Like it just looked like it was poised at the top of the stairs. They told me, Maureen, let me ask you a question. Do you think that if this shadow person had a dog, what kind of dog would it have? That's a good question, George. That's a very good question, Mr. Norrie. I think it would have a, I think it would have a peak of ease. Oh, you're wrong.

It is a cocker spaniel. The answer is cocker spaniel. Wow. Well, this is very cool. I was hoping it would have looked like the Swedish chef from the Muppets with all the banging down there. Well, that's fun. It would have been a lot less freaky. Because you'd be playing in the playing in bands.

All it does is fuck around. No, all he does is cling pans around. That's a joke. Nothing. Okay, so you're paralyzed in fear. So how old are you at this time? I was like 15 years old. Okay.

So what did you do? So we literally just, I mean it had no eyes, but like locked in gazes down the hall and for what it felt like forever, it was probably half a second. And the thing tore up the rest of the stairs, still on its hands and feet. So it never fully stood up and like started bounding towards my room or like where I was at in my brother's room. So I was like, the room's small enough. I was able to get to the door with my hand while still on the bed and I slammed the door

shut, tumbled out of bed and like leaned against it and screamed bloody murder. I think both of my brothers still have PTSD from the scream I let out. But the scream bloody murder, my parents came tearing out of their room, took them forever to kind of get me convinced to unlock the door and at 15 years old like was absolutely okay with crawling into bed in between my parents and staring up at the ceiling and freaking out at every creek in that house for the rest of the night. My parents were just like, I'm so glad you finally saw it and that was your punishment. Yeah, that does sound like a great punishment, I guess.

You won't sneak out of the house again. Did you do any research into what it, who was previously on the house? Did you, any sort of research of like what the history of the house was, did your parents see shit too? Yeah, so this was actually, this was around the time where my parents still didn't believe me. A lot of the activity actually took place in the basement. And shortly after this incident, my baby brother started sleeping with towels and jeans shoved

under his door because he said it flew open in the middle of the night. So that started happening and my mom has insomnia and a couple months later she was trying to sleep on one of the downstairs couches and actually felt someone tuck her hair behind her ear. And I just, I remember that morning pretty clearly because I, you know, my parents didn't believe me for forever and then I came up for breakfast and my mom was like, I'm real, I'm real sorry. You were right.

This house was haunted. I was like, yeah, I know. Yeah, a teenage victim. I know. That's always nice when you get one over and it's like that. Thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it. Hey guys, I appreciate talking to you.

I've been a fan for so many years and I love all the success you guys are having. It's amazing. Thank you so much. Honestly, thank you. That's really nice. Thank you so much for calling. That was great. Hail yourself.

Yeah man, have a good night. Hail Satan. Okay, the next caller, Henry, you're going to love this guy. His name is Michael. I'm going to love this. You are going to love this. I feel like, isn't this, this is a, this is a Henry story. It's definitely a Henry story.

It's more of a Marcus story. You're smiling. I actually think this is more of a Marcus story. Okay, this is a Marcus story. This is actually one of the stories that I've been most excited about. Oh right. So, um, I don't want to, I don't want to ruin the surprise. Should we just get to Michael's story?

Yeah, we can't ruin this guy's surprise. Okay. Yeah, Michael, let's get into it. Okay. Um, so, uh, the story happened, uh, back in like 2011, and I live in Daytona Beach, Florida. Woo! And, uh, you have to mandatory bylaw do a woo after you say Daytona Beach, Florida. Koozie Country.

Woo! It's, uh, I drive past the last resort where they arrested Eileen Warnows every day when I go to work. Dude, that documentary, you should go in there sometime. It honestly looks like a fun bar. Dude, I, um, there's two places you don't go in Daytona, and it's the last resort in Crook's Den because you'll get stabbed. Oh!

So what's the story, Michael? Um, okay, so we, uh, a group of a bunch of my old bandmates and I, we headed out to this place called Casadaga. It's this little, it's about 20 minutes west of Daytona. And it's this little tiny town where basically a bunch of fortune tellers and psychics live. Um, it's really small. Yeah, basically a gypsy town, but it's, it's really small and it's very creepy at night. People don't come out of their houses because they're all like, they don't like being gawked

at because it's basically like a town filled with like wickens and psychics. So, um, we, we, yeah, we go out there, we would go out there when we were younger and just kind of drive around and look at shit and fuck around. But, um, one night we're out there and we're driving around in, uh, our van and, uh, we pulled down a little dirt road, it's a little tiny road. And, um, you know, so we're about to back it up and a cat jumps out of the woods and it stops about seven or eight feet in front of the van. And the headlights were right on it.

I'm in the passenger seat. My friend Pat was in the driver's seat. Everybody else was in the back of the van. And before I tell you what I saw, nobody was drinking, uh, everyone in this van, everyone in this van was unfortunately straight edge except for me. So I couldn't drink around them cause they weren't fucking fun. Oh dude, that's a real hard story right there. Just share out.

Yeah. Exactly. And, uh, so the driver and I at the same time, I know he saw it the same time I did. We both said the same thing at the exact same time without looking at each other. We both said, look at his fucking face. And what we saw was a little cat about seven feet in the headlights frozen with a little fleshy baby face. The baby cat, the baby faced cat from Bud Creek.

It did not have a, it did not have a snout. So it wasn't like a cat that just didn't have fur or whiskers or something. It had a, a fat little baby face. Now, full on like a nose and baby mouth and baby eyes. I did not see a nose. I saw eyes and I saw mouth and just like fat cheeks. Did it have a pacifier or anything like that? No, it didn't.

But, um, it was crazy because it stood in front of the van for about four full seconds. I was like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi. We got a good look at it. And like on four Mississippi, Pat and I just started going and screaming. Well, it just gets up on his high and like starts like moving its weird nipple tits back and forth. Yeah, yeah, take a picture of the last one. Did the band continue their sobriety or did he immediately hit some whiskey after that? No, they were, they were always lame.

They just, they're still, and they're vegan most of them. So it was not fun. Second ways are. But, um, so the cat, as we start screaming and everybody comes up from the back of the van, its face ran like wax. It was like melting wax. It just was like blue and it was a cat and then it shot off into the dark. And like, I had never seen anything like it.

We know what we saw. I mean, and we just, we got out of there. So, yeah, but there's a second part of the story I put in the email. So, um, a couple years later we go back to Casadiga. I mean, I haven't been back in a while. And this time we're out walking around in the van and are out of the van walking around and we're getting close to where the cat was. And I told, it was my friend Pat and I again.

And I told him, I was like, dude, this is where we saw the cat with the human face. Like, I don't even want to fuck around with that. And Pat, he turns to me and he's like, yeah, whatever, man, the only pussy I see is standing right in front of me. He's trying to mess with me. And as he said that, a cat ran out of the woods through our little group of people and just kept going. Let's talk.

I also hate that lame straight edge joke. It's like, yeah, sick burn, bro. Good job, bro. Oh, good Lord. Oh, my God, baby. I will find the other cat like me. And then finally a cat can be far, far less lonely. Oh, baby face cat.

I love baby face cat. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Michael. Yeah, no problem, guys. Thank you so much for including it, man. I love the show. I love Top Hat. Henry, I fucking love Murder Fish and Pretty Face. I fucking love the videos you guys have been putting up.

It's great. Thank you, man. Hail Satan. Hail yourself, buddy. Hail Satan, man. I'm to Florida. I'm to Florida. We will.

Yeah, we're definitely coming to Florida next year without a doubt. Awesome. We'll be there. Come party with us, guys. We'd love to have you. Definitely. All right, guys. Peace.

Speaking of Murder Fish, what was the line from the Murder Fish sketch? It said, all cats can talk. Most cats won't talk because they're smoked. Oh, that's true. Now, okay, this is maybe a fun scenario-like question to ask for our podcast. But I'm sort of weird, perverted. I'd say, man, we're to fuck that cat. Is that, how's that, pedophilia?

Or is that bestiality? It's bestiality. It's definitely bestiality. Oh, because it doesn't go, what makes the difference? That's a cat. It's a cat. Yeah, but it's mostly cat. It's mostly cat, yeah.

So what's it cut off? 65%? All right, now we're joined by Jamie. Is this another haunted house story? You know, she's hiding from her children currently. Is this the story that you're really scared of your children? That is true. She's in her car hiding from the kids.

Thanks for calling in. So you have a haunted tale for us. I do. So we grew up right next door to my grandma, and she pretty much raised me and my sister. And like junior high, I started staying the night there on the weekends to keep her company. And one summer, when I was about 16, I was over there one night. It was about 11 midnight. And I was sitting on the couch in the living room and I smelled smoke.

And my grandma always would fall asleep smoking cigarettes. And so I immediately jumped up from the couch and ran to her bedroom to check on her. And she was asleep. There wasn't any cigarettes. And so once she was all good, I walked back down the hallway towards the living room. And I walked past the door that led to the upstairs. And I heard fire crackling coming from the upstairs. And so I started walking up the stairs.

And I realized halfway up that I could see my breath. And this was weird. One, because it was the middle of summer. And two, because my grandma constantly kept her house at 100 degrees. And so I got closer and closer to the top of the stairs. And the fire crackling noise was getting louder and louder. But as soon as my foot hit the top, everything stopped. I couldn't see my breath anymore.

Couldn't hear the noise anymore. So I got the fuck out of there. And I walked down stairs really fast. And as soon as I hit the bottom of the stairs, I heard the fire crackling noise again coming from the kitchen, which if you walk through the kitchen, it leads to the basement. And so I followed the noise and I opened the basement door. And as soon as I did that, I could see my breath again.

The fire crackling noise was super loud. So I started walking downstairs because I'm an idiot. And I walked down the stairs to check out what was going on. And as soon as I got down to the bottom, again, everything just stopped. Couldn't see my breath. Couldn't hear the noise. So I ran upstairs super fast and walked back to the living room. And as soon as I sat down on the couch, I heard a gunshot noise come from inside the house. And I jumped because it's a gunshot.

And I ran to check on my grandma. And as soon as I got into the hallway, I stopped because I noticed at the end of the hallway where the bathroom is, the light was on and the door was just slightly opened. And from when I had checked on my grandma before, I know for a fact that the light was off. And so I slowly walked towards the bathroom and again could see my breath. And I pushed the door open and the room was full of smoke and the mirror above the sink was shattered.

And so I backed up for a quick second and I glanced to the right towards my grandma's room. And I looked back and the light was off, the mirror was completely intact. And so the next day I talked to my grandma about it and I was like, what the hell? And I found out that in the bathroom is where my grandfather shot himself when he found out he had colon cancer when I was three and the bullet shattered the mirror. Wow, Jamie, I have to ask you, so when you watch a horror movie and you see the characters making all the wrong decisions, did you just mimic those? Would you just like go down that path and do everything I should?

So towards the danger. I did, but what was so weird is like I knew that what I was doing was stupid and that I was walking into something possibly really weird, but for some reason I was compelled and at the same time at peace with it. I don't know, I think the fact that it was, I wholeheartedly feel it was my grandfather. It's like I was okay with it. Well, if it's true that intelligence is still alive in the house, it's like if there's something like that, if that is true about hauntings,

it sounds like it's a version of communicating with you to kind of like get you to kind of like, it's like he's reaching out, trying to say hello essentially. Strangely more. At least if you look into your grandmother's bedroom and just saw the ghostly form of your grandfather making love to it. Yeah, well that would be nice for the grandmother programs, I don't know. No, and well, and that's the thing is like my whole life, like whenever I would be at the house, because they had separate bedrooms

and because they're an old timey couple, and whenever we'd go into his bedroom, it was ice cold in there and so I just was always like, hi, Grampy, and then when I walk downstairs to put something in her freezer room and the freezer room door was always shut, if I had my hands full, the door would always open for me. Wow. And so we just always, we just always, I was always like, hey, thanks Grampy, and so just, you know.

How old were you when this happened? I was 16. Yeah, I do love that the term old timey couple, it really just means like no love. We were in love one day. How hot would it be to sleep in one room? If you would ask my grandma, it's pretty clear that they were not, so it's fine. Oh. That is, thank you so much for sharing that story.

That's really interesting. You don't think that doesn't heighten the love making when you're in separate bedrooms because then one can sneak over and just like, pretend like you're in a fraternity or sorority or something? Yeah, you go in there, tickle her feet while she's asleep and then you get in there. I don't know. I mean, that's going to be, that'll have to be a consensual situation between married couples.

You have to work it out in writing when you get married. I don't know. I don't know. That could be one of the rules that a relationship might have. Thank you so much, Jamie. Get back and take care of your kids. Yeah, I will. She's fine, she's fine.

If there's anything like me, currently your living room is going to be covered in whatever mac and cheese is around the house. Like you, you just setting a fire in the kitchen and dressed like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lamb as penis stuck behind your legs going, do you want to fudge me? I'd fudge me. I like that you cleaned it up for the show. Thank you, Henry, for that very bizarre shift in personality.

Thank you, Jamie. Yeah, thank you guys. It's an honor. It's an honor to speak to you. Well, thanks, Henry. And of course, hail yourself. Hey, hail you guys. Thanks so much. Bye. Bye.

On the phone with us now, we have Jesse. Jesse has an interesting story that you're going to, you guys are going to love. So you're not going to like it. I don't know. You're not going to like it. I might like it. Evidently, there's a serial killer. His name is Gary Heidnick.

And Jesse, you had an opportunity to meet this guy's kid. Yeah, it was completely by accident. I was traveling along the East Coast about two years ago, visiting friends and family. And my buddy Mac, who I used to play in a band with, he called me up. He goes, hey, man, what you doing tonight? And I'm like, nothing. Let's go out. Let's go hang out. And he's like, okay, I got a friend with me though.

My friend Gary's here. Is that cool if he comes? I'm like, yeah, dude, more than Marrior. So we get together at this bar and we're hanging out. And this guy Gary, he's totally cool, non-descript, just a chill dude. Like, nothing notable about him at all. No red flags, no nothing. And the night ends, we all had a good time and I go home.

A few months later, I'm back on the East Coast again, hanging out with Mac. And he's just like, hey, do you remember my friend Gary? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, you'll know about this because you're into true crime. But have you ever heard of a guy named Gary Heidnick? And I'm like, yeah, that's the dude who inspired the rape pit in Silence of the Lambs. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the guy in Philly in the mid-80s. And I was just like, yeah, yeah, what's that got to do with anything? And he's like, oh yeah, well, my friend Gary who we drank with, that's his son, Gary Heidnick Jr. And I'm like, please say you said Harry Connick Jr. Oh my goodness. Harry Connick Jr. would have been bored to death because jazz sucks. Jazz singing. I think jazz singing is also the lowest form of jazz as well.

So when you were hanging out with the guy, did he seem quiet about his family past? Was he an open person or did it seem like he was guarded and hiding something? No, he was just a dude. It never came up when I was there hanging with him. And I asked my friend Mac, I said, well, how did you find this out? And he goes, we were just hanging out together one night drinking and it just came out. Like, man, my dad did some horrible things, bro. He's like, yeah, all of our fathers have done horrible things.

You don't understand, man. So, yeah, that's how I accidentally had drinks with the son of a famous American serial killer. He kidnapped eight women, raped all of them and killed two of them. Well, you know, what a total scumbag. It's interesting that the guy had the ego to name his child after himself, very similar to what Henry's father did. Well, it's always like, continue the legacy. Well, you know what, I think that you pretty much always accidentally hang out with the child of a serial killer because they rarely lead with it.

Yeah, very rarely. They rarely come out and just say, like, my dad loves just taking it. You know what I mean? He'd just go to everything. Oh, my dad told me how to eat in a restaurant, just taking food off of people's plates, sticking his fingers in there, licking all over the insides of them. Maybe not licking. I don't know.

Either way, he's definitely a horrible person, his father is. But now, we're clarifying. I'm just glad the kids always make sure to clarify that the murderers are bad. I get confused. I know. That's actually my deep concern with both of you. So, well, thank you so much for sharing that story. Do you feel more disgusted now as a human being knowing that you shook the hands with someone who's a direct descendant of a serial killer?

Oh, no, because I used to hang out with, like, a real murderer. Well, that's the story to lead, but how are you, that's the second story? Oh, yeah, no. God, how do I even start this? I'll give you the Cliff Notes version, because I know we're on a time schedule here. But my dad had a friend in high school named Tom. We grew up in Central Jersey. And every year, I think it was like in the mid-90s, starting when I was like maybe five or six, we'd go up to Tom's property up in the Poconos.

He was one of those dudes that had a really nice big spot in the woods. So, one thing I noticed immediately going to this dude's house was it was a nice beautiful house, but there were guns everywhere. And even at like five or six, I knew that this was kind of like not normal. So, I asked my dad, I was like, dad, why does Uncle Tom have all these guns? And he was like, well, son, your Uncle Tom is one of those people preparing for the revolution with finger quotes. And instead of bombing a federal building, what actually happened later on was, and this happened when I was in college, he owned some rental properties, like that's how he was able to afford this real nice spot in the Poconos. And what he did was he gave his dad one of these apartments.

And when his dad was in the hospital for something, another dude, Tom, knew, apparently broke into the apartment and stole some money or something. So, he confronted the guy about this, like drove him out somewhere and was like, did you do this? Did you rip my father off? And the guy said, yeah, so he drove him out to the woods and made this guy dig his own grave and then shot him to death. That's how business is done. That'll happen. That'll happen.

That'll happen. That's how it is in Queens, right? Yeah, exactly. All right. It's called, technically, it's the Mafia Spring Cleaning. Yeah. How efficient it is, because then you don't even get tired from digging the grave. Honestly, I've never understood why anyone would dig their own grave.

Just, you're going to die. Why would the last act be manual labor? But that's just me. Well, maybe he was just going to be like, wow, you're really good at this. How about I give you a job instead? I don't know. How many do you need? Well, thank you so much, Jesse. I appreciate the call.

We appreciate the call. Oh, hey, thank you so much. Hail Satan, guys. Hail Satan, there. Hail yourself, bud. We got Jared on the phone now. Now, this story takes place during a high school musical, and I don't want to toot my own horn,

but I was a key role in Babes in Arms. In the Pacelli High School production of Babes in Arms, I did quite well. Where were you? Where were you? I was a character. No, I wasn't the arms. What did you say?

I've heard your singing voice. It is the worst singing voice I've ever heard in my life. Oh, close, my is an Arkansas. I tried to legitimately sing for a second. I'm sorry, Jared. Thank you for calling. We're going to talk to you. What's the lyric?

Sing a song that you know. Sing I've always been crazy. And I'm mighty proud of that ragged old flag. You just said a sentence. That's the song. That's a different song. It's a Johnny Castle. I know that, but that's it.

And I'm mighty proud of that ragged old flag. But Jared was a part of a little musical that I did. He saw we're going to go into this story. I was Mr. Mushnick. Because when you, in Little Shop of Ores, which is what we're going to talk about today, and because when you're 300 pounds at the age of 16, you play all the old men that are in every show.

You get to be a mister because your life expectancy is shorter. Well, thanks for calling, Jared. So what's the story? Yeah. So basically, I think every high school theater has a ghost that lives there, you know? They just called the ghost. It was just a janitor in my high school

that they just didn't want to consider to be a person. Yeah. Yeah. Well, same thing, pretty much. But I was in tech in high school. So the carpentry, the light, stuff like that. And so that meant a lot of late nights. We would stay at school until midnight, one o'clock,

building things. So you were not there? I don't know. I was positioned under the stage. Where the ghouls are. Can you let Jared tell the stories? I'm criticizing. The people.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. The people who make us look are.

Why? Can you let Jared tell these stories? I'm criticizing the people that make you look mildly lookable? Watchable. Watchable. You know what? That could work if your microphone doesn't work

or if there's no lights on, there is no show. Tech, the unsung heroes of everything. Thank you, Ben. No problem, Marcus. Yeah, he thanks. Marcus got a big, big問 to perform here. Oh, right. So your do thing the production,

your making all the lights work, Abrowski look good on stage. Exactly. So the thing about theaters is that when it's dark and empty and everyone's gone for the day, it's pretty creepy. You can't really see all the way from one side to the other, you know, when the lights are out. So your brain tends to just sort of make things up that happen. So any noise, any little thing you catch out of your peripheral is always like the scariest thing in the world. We'd hear all sorts of weird things, laughing, crying, murmuring, you know, just that sort of stuff. Did you sound anything, did

you hear anything that sounded like this? Mushnik and son! Sounds great. Three words with the ring of fate. Some sail and corporate with me. Get him off the stage. We did, you know, we did hear stuff like that. It was weird. Did any kids die of embarrassment in that? Well, that's possible. I wouldn't wear the ghost in theaters even come from if it's not Abraham Lincoln where he was shot. Yeah, the school wasn't even that old. It was like, I don't know, maybe 15 years old at that point. So there isn't even that history you could blame. So yeah, good times. Oh, right. And how was the performance, if I may ask? It was excellent. I'm sure I have a DVD if it's somewhere that I will probably never watch again, but that's okay. Did you have one of those big like,

our plant when we did it, like a guy sat in the bottom of it and then two people had to operate the top and bottom. Was it a big plant or was it a small plant? Yeah, we had three or four different puppets. Awesome. Did you do original bad ending or did you do happy ending like they made from the movie? No, we did the bad ending. Spoiler alert, everybody dies. Oh, whoa. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Oh, no. I will take over the rest of this. Have you ever seen the movie The Gallows? I have not. It's the dumbest shit. It's the same thing. It takes place. It's like a horror movie that is like a serial killer that is like in a high school drama like set, but the whole thing is just nooses, which is the worst weapon. It's just nooses.

They just hang there. You know how you fucking avoid a noose? You duck. You move to the side. It's a noose. He's hanging there for you. You know who gets caught in nooses? Squirrels. Yeah. That'll happen. All right. Well, thank you so much for calling in. Appreciate the scary tale. Yeah, man. Hail yourself, buddy. Hail Satan. Yeah, you too. The next caller. This is a big one for us. Is it? His name is Trey. This involves Waco, Texas. We know what happened there. Thanks, Janet Reno. And this is Jared Marino's fucking barbecue. Absolutely. And Alex Jones. We got ourselves a twofer. Oh, we got a twofer. Globalist. Honestly, I think I will always, I will technically stand by Alex Jones only because

he's an incredible performer. He's losing it very quickly. By the way, one of the great ironies is they want to brand international, which is global. So Alex Jones has officially become a globalist. Well, thanks so much for calling, Trey. What's the story? No problem. Well, if you, what this woman had to say, it was actually Hillary Clinton that gave the order to, uh, you know, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Get that iguana in short pants. All right. Okay. So, um, so yeah, I just spent the last year in Waco and I, uh, I finally went out and visited the compound just because, you know, fun. Yep. And, um, uh, we went to see it and the first thing that was weird is like, there's a, uh, there's the memorial plaque, which is, uh, included the names

Aborted Fetus Jint, Little One Jones and Aborted Baby Summers. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that was rough stuff. Um, so then we're like kind of walking around taking pictures and a lady is like kind of tailing us and she pulls up. She's like, where y'all from? Uh, we're, I'm from Waco. She's from Austin. She's like, oh, okay. Well, uh, do you want to see the inside of the church? Like a fucking course we do. Yeah. And, uh, she told us that, uh, she was like, yeah, this whole church recently had been rebuilt. Uh, do you know who Alex Jones is? Yeah. Yeah, I do. And she said that recently, uh, a few years ago, I guess a bunch of, he had brought a bunch of volunteers down to rebuild the church at the Branch Davidian compound.

Of course he did. Can you imagine with the Bob Vila version of Alex Jones, Foreman Alex Jones desperately tried to hammer together wood. There's globalist wood. You can feel it's globalist wood. This is hammer's broken. It's made in China. You can tell. Well, um, yeah. So she, and she was telling us how she, uh, her husband was in the Davidian, or I guess the seventh day advertises before David got involved and he kind of quit. Now they're just caretakers of the land. So, uh, so after we finished talking to this maniac, uh, we, I texted a buddy who I knew lived out there and I was like, Hey, uh, I think I'm close to your house. She's like, Oh yeah, those are the neighbors. You want to come over and I'll tell you what happened when, because their family lives right next door,

like in the land next door. And, uh, so he tells me after I go over there that the ATF actually, uh, come dear their family's land for like months after that whole thing happened. Um, was it like a pop up like Twin Peaks, like the thing that you could go like hang out. Did they do like a pop up Waco thing where you could go and get souvenirs and meet the people that survived and didn't get off. Yeah, but there was no one there. So, um, yeah. All right. So you're talking, you got this creepy conversation going on. Your two are in the place. Yeah, we finished that. And then we, uh, so after we left there, we went and talked to my buddy at his, uh, his place and he was just telling us that, um, yeah, like, Oh, and this was a fun thing because his, yeah, his family

like owned, uh, land right next door because they're cattle barons. And, uh, they would find sometimes they would find girls in the, uh, the work trucks around the land, uh, just begging the workers to not send them back to the compound, just begging to, for a ride to the Greyhound Station. Barely this happened like more than once. And so like my friends, workers would drive these girls to Greyhound Station and buy them a ticket to anywhere else. Well, this was when Alex Jones had the compound. I think this is, no, this is back. Yeah. What the heck is, okay. All right. With Alex Jones. Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't handle the decibels. They can't handle the barbecue. The actual warmth from his body. Um, yeah. So they would find girls and they would have to,

they would go buy them Greyhound tickets to escape that horrible place. Honestly, rescued a lot of people. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's very, it was like, we were talking, wow, this is, we didn't know any of this. Um, so then before we left, he mentioned or he told us that his, his mom also lives on a land. And as of late, a lot of people have been moving back to the compound and like in the back where it says no trespassing and you can't see because there's so many trees, which after the Oklahoma city episodes, I was like, huh, that really scares their shit out of me. Or they know that place is cheap now. Yeah. I mean, it's always very, when you know for a fact, there's like at least a hundred people there, but it's population one,

because everyone's a sovereign citizen and they have their own populace. Yeah. That's out of every door. I'm the country of Barry Ovia. Oh, that's fun to see. I'm the, I'm the country of Thomas. I love it. I'm not the individual Thomas. I am just my real name is Randy. So we're all moving back there. Now, what's that compound like? Are they trying to read? Are they trying to recreate what happened to Waco or the branch? I don't, it just seems like they're like behind like there's because it's still pretty sparse, like the area you can see. But there's like some roads that go to like, you know, the back of a lot that just say no trespassing and they're kind of gated off and apparently people just been like

going in and not coming back out. We don't want to get, we don't want to put you in harm's way, but there is a mission. If you want to go snoop around, feel free and get some footage. Let us know what's going on. Get a flashlight. I don't know what else you need. Yeah. Get one of those tech flashlights that run over with a car or the commercial. Oh, the one that you freeze in a block of ice. Yeah, exactly. That's stupid. I love that he knows that commercial. Have you ever seen that flashlight? Are you a man? You need a man's flashlight. It's like, you can shoot it with a shotgun. Yeah, let's say the entire compound one of the most notoriously heavily armed cults to ever exist. You don't want trade. Don't do it. Never mind. Don't do it. They're hired. They don't want to fight

anymore. With that, with that, wouldn't he use the Tina Turner song? Oh, yes, that's right. Well, thank you so much for sharing the story. Appreciate it. Interesting. Waco, I guess we'll have to keep an eye on what's going on over there. Yeah, no problem. I hope it was worth it. I want to update next year. Update. You've busted over this commune. I want to hear from your front of mouth. I'm a commune buster. I actually did hung out with my buddy recently and we dropped asset in the evening and I was just like, man, I want to go over there right now. I just want to go see what's happening. I really want to see what's happening. That's who you go when you got the moment, when you get the momentum. That's the, that's the fun thing. Even if you see nothing,

you see something. Yeah. No, without a doubt. Oh yeah, totally. I saw a lot of stuff. That's, thank you, Trey. Hail yourself, buddy. Appreciate you calling in. Hail's name, buddy. Thank you all so much. All right. Have a good night. We've got another creepy tale for you. All right, Jesse is on the phone. Now, Evanelli, she nearly met a killer or did meet a killer. She met a potential. Oh my goodness. All right. Well, Jesse, thanks so much for calling in. What's this horrific tale? Oh my Lord. So yeah, it's probably the closest I've ever come to death, rape, possible torture in my whole life. We were 17. We just graduated high school, sorry. And so we decided, hell, it's traveled across country for the first time. Why not? So it was me, my boyfriend Jackson at

the time and our two other friends. And we took off from New York to go to LA. And yeah, we ended up one night in Virginia and decided to like stop at one of those like campgrounds you drive into. You pay the guy and you drive up and just park. And everything was good. We started drinking a bottle of whiskey. We scored at like a parent's house, like a parent liquor cabinet situation. A couple nights. Yeah, we've all been there. And like Pennsylvania or something. But anyway, so we drank it, played some music and decided to go to our respective tents for the night. And around like 1am in the morning, Jackson had to go pee outside. And I was awake too. And a flashlight spotted on him. And we thought that, you know, that's really freaky and approach seemed to be a

police officer. Was he in uniform? Yes, complete uniform. Oh my God. I'm getting chills just thinking about it. I've told maybe like five people this story my entire life. So yeah, he came up. He told me to get out of the tent and it was like a hot humid August night in the South. So naturally, I was naked. And so as I addressed, he was like watching me the whole time. And I got out of the tent. And he said, is this your bottle of whiskey? Because we had it out on a picnic table. And we said yes. And he said, I need to ID you. So we go give him his ID our IDs. And he notices our medium format cameras in the in our car. And he starts talking about how he has a passion for photography and how he loves like nude photography and how he thinks like penthouse and hustler. And like the

spread eagle shots are like so artistically done. So he's not exactly speaking in like police terms. He's speaking like an artist. Oh my God. So at this point, we were freaked out. We were like, what the hell, man? And he had us at this point sitting at the picnic table. And we've been talking for maybe 45 minutes about his passion for nude photography. And I ask him, officer, like you've been here for a while, like, are you going to get in trouble? Like, you know, you're on your shift. And he goes, Oh, no, no, no, I've been off for hours and hours. I'm fine. And my that point, my hair just raised on my skin. I was so I knew something was up. Something was terribly wrong. So he goes on, he goes, he asked me, like, are you a model? And I say no, officer, I'm five foot

three. Like I can't be. And he was like, Oh, no, well, like just the you're beautiful. And just the other night I had a woman who looked just like you as my model walking naked through the woods under the moonlight. It was amazing photo shoot. Would you be interested? And of course I said, no, I wouldn't. Sorry. And he goes, Well, how about why don't you two get in the back of my cop car and I'll tour you around the 800 plus acres of this forest and show you it. And we were like, No, honestly, officer, we're just, we're so scared. I mean, true, not scared. Of course, we're fucking scared off our asses. But we said, No, like we're really tired. We have a lot of driving to do tomorrow. Like, we'd really just like to go to sleep. And he says, All right, well,

how about what you just can I at least take a picture of you near your bonfire? And we were 17, we were scared shitless. So we're like, All right, we do this, like, maybe this guy will like get off our ass and just get the fuck out of here. So we did it. And he showed us the picture. And to this day, I, I remember that picture perfectly. It was not artful. And we, I looked, we were terrified. And wow, this, it seems like you might have met Chop Top from the Sawyer family. It's a good picture. That is a real horrifying story. So what point did you realize this guy's not a cop? Because I'm sure that had to dawn on you at some point. I honestly don't even know. He could have been a cop if he's got the full uniform and he died. No, anyone can get that stuff.

Yeah, but the car and all that. Yeah. I don't know. But you can always buy those cars that like, you know, the like, like the cop cars that they sell to whoever. Yeah, was it not, it didn't have lights on it or didn't have anything? Like, did it look like a cop car? Would it look like a, like one of those hidden cop cars? Like one of those like black Chrysler's? Well, here's the deal. So he was parked like, you know how it's like a loop usually at those places? He was parked like the opposite end of where we were. And I couldn't, it was maybe like 50 feet away and it was so dark and it was so wooded that it was hard to tell. And we were fucking terrified. You know, we were 17. Like, you know, we didn't want to get in trouble with the police, but this guy was fucking scary.

Right. So you basically walked up possibly to a proto Jerry Brutus, proto John Wayne, Gacy, cause both of them pulled the same shit. Brutus always did the thing of like, you look like it could be a model. And then, uh, you know, Gacy pretended to be a cop. Honestly, you could be a model though. That, that's encouraged. It really is nice to get the validation. Yeah. Even if you're about to like, I don't know, my head is a sex toy for a second. It's like, that's so nice. And that's like my biggest fear is human trafficking and daddy long lives and tornadoes. So like, yeah, but you get to see the world for free. Oh my goodness. Horrible. Well, thank you so much for sharing that story. We're extremely happy that you're alive and fine. And you somehow swerved

that just right. That was actually really good call because somehow you got him like a placated because that's really what it is. Is that like, you kind of have to get on his level for some fucked up reason and then get him out of there. Well, it's just so scary too. Cause he's like, Oh, they're drinking underage drinking. So in his, you know, when we were talking about with Picton, Robert Picton, where she's like, Oh, they're drunks. They're on drugs. So it validates them. I think what this guy might have also been doing is like something like kind of like what Ed Kemper did where it's like that slight escalation each time. Like every single time he goes out, he takes it just a little bit further and a little bit further. Yeah, that's scary.

And how far away for were you from your just your normal town? Like how far were you out of town? Well, I'm from like Northern Westchester, New York. So we were in like Virginia. Oh, so we were 17, you know, we've New York license plates. Like our parents always said, like they hate Yankees down south. So we were just like, we thought, we thought we were in it. We were either going to get arrested that night or dead. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you so much for sharing that story. That is truly horrific. And I'm happy you're all right. Did you ever have that in lovers lane scenario? Like going where you go make out? Zodiac killer stuff. It was like me and my girlfriend. I remember we would go like make out or fool around in the car, like in the

areas where, you know, the kids would go make out and like, there was always sometimes like, we'd have to deal with cops all the time. We'd come in and shine in on the light, like and making the girls get dressed and you imagine the disgust on the face of the officer when they come to the window and see you and your girlfriend in high school, making out with them. But I think they were like, hell, yeah, 45 year old man with that 16 year old girl. He should play Mr. Mushnick. Well, thank you so much for calling in. We really appreciate it. Hail yourself and happy you're all right. Thank you. Hail yourselves. Love you guys. Hail Satan. Thank you so much for calling. We're glad you're safe. Okay. Hail Satan.

I have a story. You have a, you have a story too. I have a story. Yeah. We're gonna have, we're gonna have Henry read a story now. I have a story. It's an organic story, huh? Yeah. I mean, I just like, it's nothing I like to do to sit in the office of my apartment with my two best friends. Yeah. Knee to knee. Yeah. Just smelling each other. We're not sticking with each other. Telling scary stories. Not at all. No. Now this one's by Jordan Spears. I don't want to say the title because it busts the secret. One night, I had a tough time falling asleep, so I decided to take a stroll through the woods. And little did I know, it was only the beginning of the nightmare that is now my life. It was around 1 45 a.m. A brisk night, a still night.

Armed with my flashlight, I walked straight into the forest on the outskirts of my town. And hindsight, I should have noticed how quiet it was, especially for it being a forest in the summer. I should have noticed the lack of any noise. There wasn't even a breeze. Suddenly, there was the sound of branches breaking, as if someone were tearing them straight off the trees. I panicked, thinking there could be a bear or some other horrible creature ready to pounce. And little did I know, it was something so much worse than that. Something far worse. Like a tiger. I stopped, walking, and cocked my head to the side, hoping to hear the sound of footsteps.

So I would know which way to run if it came to that. I also picked up a couple of loose stones from the ground, mostly just to calm my nerves. Allowed, obliterated the silence. It sounded as if Ric Flair had a throat lubricated with bacon grease. I could almost smell the noise. I flipped the switch of my flashlight to try and hide my location, a loud thumping accompanying the noise. And in the light of the full moon, I saw a human shape come around a tree in front of me. It was about 15 feet away and nearly 6 feet in height. I heard a loud sniffing sound. Then I could see the outline of its head turn my way. It started coming closer, and it started to feel adrenaline pump into my system. I turned

tail and ran. I was sprinting as fast as I could, and this guy was easily keeping pace with me. I tripped and rolled onto my back, knowing that in a few moments, my life would be over. As a last-ditch effort, I decided to turn my light back on and maybe blind my pursuer. I waved the flashlight around wildly, hoping to catch his eyes in the light, large black eyes reflected back, and I would nearly peed my pants, digging for a moment that I was looking at some extraterrestrial being. Once I took a moment, though, I realized that it was sunglasses. Who would wear sunglasses while in the forest at 2am? Why would anyone do that? I took in the rest of this guy's outfit, track pants, snakeskin boots, and a bright green

bowler shirt, with embroidered with some flames rising up from the bottom. The shirt was streaked with some dark liquid that I couldn't really identify, and I raised the light back up to the man's head. He had a black O.T. with a bleached streak down the middle, like a racing stripe, and bleached spiky hair on top of his head. He looked weirdly familiar. Like I, like I, like I, maybe I passed him the street or something. I couldn't place him. He started to giggle as he approached me and opened his mouth. Without moving his lips, I heard this sentence emanate from him. You're taking the gobble, bull-rabble. He charged after that. Still laying prone on the ground, there was little defences. He belly flopped on top of me like an inept diver. The wind was very

nearly knocked out of me, and he tried to pin me down. I grabbed a hold of his arms and realized they were also covered with the same dark liquid that was also on his shirt. It was barbecue sauce. I screamed, and he yelled, this sauce is money. Oh no, I know. And with the sudden movement, I went deep into my shoulder, tearing a chunk out of my muscle. He twisted his head from my side to side like an alligator, pulled his head back. He swallowed my flesh, and as I laid there sobbing, knowing that my life was over, I could feel the lifeblood pumping out of my shoulder with each beat of my heart. He made a smacking sound with his lips and said, I could put this on a flip flop, and it would taste good. Oh, I don't like it. He then climbed off

of me and flipped his sunglasses to the back of his head, and I had a moment of clarity, and I realized this man, this monster, was Guy Fieri. He looked me dead in the eye, and he said, now that you hear my, now that you bear my mark, you shall walk the earth for all eternity, buddy. Bro, dude, you will haunt diners, drive-ins, and knives until the sun burns out and no life is left of this planet. I'm driving the monster to Flavortown, and you're coming right along for the ride, love. Peace and taco grease. Oh. And with that, he let out a long bubbling slur. His body started to shake and convulse, and he noticed his skin and clothes were sloughing off, slowing off, falling in chunks to the floor where it started to sink into the dirt. Soon

only a skeleton remained, and I did that too crumbled away. I forgot all about my shoulder as my new and horrible agony racked my body, causing me to twist into my side and curl into fetal position. I puked, uncontrollably in shock. I felt as though my skin was splitting. The drop flashlight illuminated my body as I looked down, and I saw that I was correct. Huge splits were running into my arms, and I felt like I could, it's the same, could be happening on my legs, and the splits, I could see something hit me. My head seemed to stretch and bulge, something forces itself out the back of my head. I was on the ground, screaming for what seemed like hours. At some point, I blocked out. I awoke and realized that my voice had been completely

destroyed from the screaming, but I also realized the pain had started to subside. I looked around and saw my skin and clothes litter the ground around me as if I had cast them off. I felt my face and realized I had grown a goatee sick. Hell yeah. Sunglasses were now sitting at the back of my head snugly, and I stared down at my arms and saw tattoos that were never there before. Framing my arms, there was a yellow short-sleeved shirt with flames printed on the sleeves at the bottom of it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My worst nightmare had come true. I am Guy Fieri now. Guy Fieri, maybe the creation story of Guy Fieri could be. Guy Fieri is obviously an eternal being. Yeah, why wouldn't he be? There's been diners, drivers, and dives forever. But honestly,

Guy Fieri would never give up his life to ever share it with anyone else. He loves Guy Fieri, and he does not want to change being Guy Fieri. Why the heck would he? Guy Fieri has the single greatest life in human history. Without a doubt. He has a fine life. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, Bob. Wow. Wow. What a ride. What a ride. Unbelievable. Thank you all for calling. Thank you for everyone who submitted your stories. Another year. I can't believe it's already Halloween. It makes me really sad now that it's almost over, because we're sitting here in this shirt and put the Christmas decorations up, and that makes me so fucking mad. Oh my goodness. Christmas is a fine holiday as well. Does it matter? It's give Halloween its time. I agree with that. Give Halloween its due. Let it

have the month. When it is, when it is Christmas season, Merry Christmas. That's what I am saying. We say Merry Christmas. That's in no way if the corporation's bought and sold the holiday, and it has nothing to do with Jesus, or his resurrection, or his death, or Christianity. Well, I'm just going to get a belly tattoo of Santa sucking his own fucking cock. Just to celebrate the holiday. Very good. Well, yes. Another witching season is over. So excited. The harvest season is drawn to a close. Now the dead winter months come. That is why we celebrate the Sawan. That is why we celebrate the coming cold months with a festivity, which we'll be doing. You live in LA. I do. Yeah. It's 85 degrees here. It's wonderful. This Saturday,

we do our Sawan Gala here in Los Angeles. Yes. We can't wait to have you there. It's going to be a costume contest. There's going to be dance. You're going to see. There's going to be comedy. All of the LPN family's going to be there. It's going to be a fucking blast. So excited to see everybody who comes. We added an extra show in Omaha. That's right. We sold out in Omaha, so we've added a late show. So you can find all that on the last podcast, Network or the last podcast on the left.com. There it is. Thank you to everybody that donated to Hashtag No New Dudes. It's going to go on to November 1st. We still have the same location, Tyena Gallery and Burbank. We've got Bigfoot Lodge in Glendale and in Brave New World Tattoo,

which is in Upland, California, which is actually very sweet. It's a very nice little town. All right. Thanks for everyone for participating. Who participated in that? Also, keep on supporting all the shows here on the Last Podcast Network. Abling is top app for everything. Political Wizard and the Bruiser, they just launched a Patreon. Yeah. So go and give hold in your money. Yeah. I mean, how do you feel about that? I don't, they can do whatever they want to do with their hard earned cash. I guarantee you there will be reasons for him to complain. So don't worry about it. That's a joke. We love them here. And the Last Podcast on the left. As you said, a tier squeeze. Oh, I want to say go Dodgers in

the World Series. And of course, the Astros as well, if you're out there in Houston. So you're just whoever playing. Whoever I just want you to be happy. Whoever you want people to play the game. That's it. And all the other shows here at LPM. Go and rate and review them on iTunes as well. Let's continue our world domination. Thank you all so much for the Patreon. We really appreciate it. You guys are life changers, lifesavers. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Hail yourselves. Yeah, represent.com slash hail yourself. I believe it's the shirts are maybe still out for like two more days. Yeah. We got a couple extra weeks, which is pretty sweet. So if you want to get those three t-shirts, follow us on Twitter at Henry loves you at

Marcus Parks at Ben Kessel. Follow us on Instagram at Dr. Fantasty at Marcus Parks at Ben Kessel, the number one. That's it. Follow us at all the bullshit at LP on the left. There it is. November 7th, big election day. Don't forget. If you're in New York. If you're in Brooklyn specifically. Yes. Just don't go to random polling stations in like a lot of people in Brooklyn. Yeah. I mean, if you if you are like in like Des Moines or something, don't just go like I'm voting for men because then you're a little rescue. It doesn't make any sense. Hail Satan. Get off Facebook. Please. Please clear your mind of all the nonsense. Hail yourselves. Hail me. Oh, Dean. Begustulations. Happy Halloween. Oh, absolutely. Have a great Halloween.