Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 357: Joseph Kallinger Part II - The Perfect Waiter

Episode Date: March 23, 2019

On the conclusion to our series on Joseph Kallinger, we cover the three murders that he committed with his own son and explore the many horrifying visions and immersive hallucinations that drove him to commit such heinous acts.  

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started Are we starting I want to be male fuck town. Oh, you cannot be I want to become to a wall of call fuck town Hey Marcus, you like the fact that we're in your hotel room and where my butt is is where your face soon will be It's gonna be wonderful. Yeah. Yes indeed. Hey, what's up everyone? Welcome to last podcast on the left. I am Ben kissle with Marcus parks Hello and sitting on Marcus's parks bed where Marcus will have to sleep is literally the bottle my name one and only Henry Zabrowski, my name is telly mowen and I am the cop toa up fuck town

All right, we are recording our first last podcast on the left live proper show from the road We want to thank everyone we've seen so far Nashville was incredible. It was I loved it I had a baloney sandwich at Roberts which I talked about it on side stories and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do it again. You have been speaking about the fucking sandwich for 72 hours The time continues to go into the future, but the sandwich remains in my mind It's we've had at least a dozen other memories Well, we also I also have a stomach full of cheese curds because coming back from our Cincinnati Which we were at Cincinnati yesterday and people were wonderful. Thanks. Thanks for everyone who came out now

My stomach is full of cheese curds. Yeah from grandpa's cheese shack Marcus got the fudge He went down to the fudge the fudge We lost Marcus at grandpa's cheese shack for like 20 minutes and we're like he's in grandpa's cheese basement Getting grandpa's cheese fudge. Yeah. Well, not many people come into my cheese basement Especially new kind of cheese are made called grandpa cheese All right. Well, speaking of disgusted today's episode. Are we gonna is this a gold star episode?

I would say this is probably a gold star episode. Yeah, okay. I would agree with that So we are on to part two of the shoemaker joseph calinger So thankfully about a week after joseph restrained his children beat one of them with a hammer handle and burned the other with a spatula Mary joe joey and michael went to the cops and reported joseph calinger for abuse and joseph calinger was arrested I did no such thing. I am just a chef I was making breakfast for my children and they happened to get in the way. I thought you were a shoemaker, sir Yeah, that's my hobby Interesting well after this his children became a part of his delusions

They became what joe called the three total gods beings completely in charge of his life Which filled joseph with contempt for some of his children and reverence for others I am sick of being scared of these children. I agree I mean honestly though a lot of fathers feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of fatherhood And then you just omelette that with a mental health condition and I guess that's what we have here Well, he did view his reeducation of these kids as a solemn job He said it too is like I don't want to be doing this. I just thought this is not what how I wanted to do this I wanted to do the nice way, but oh

Once the experiments fail That's and once that's your logic, you know beating the kids isn't part of it But that it was a solemn job of his and the weird fear and reverence of the kids is very very interesting because it would cause You know a lot of problems in the future Sort of reminds me of that scene for mommy dearest with the uh with the uh with the wire hangers and all that stuff Or she's like I she felt like she was doing this young girl a favor Yeah, she was like, I can't believe you're making me do this again. I want to be sleeping Now concerning the sentencing for his crimes

Joseph received a suspended sentence in regard to beating joey and was put on four years Psychiatric probation for the burning of mary joe and was required to regularly report to a psychiatrist But after just a five minute conversation The psychiatrist decided that there wasn't a damn thing wrong with joseph And that was the end of the psychiatric counseling mr. Callinger. Um, here is your psychological exam. What is this? Oh Well, it is chews but um, it's very strange. You didn't recognize that Yeah, I'm just saying uh, but it's like uh shoes are like a hat for vita

You're doing great. I'm actually going to ask you to just leave my office. Well, he passed the test That's what happens when you schedule your psychiatrist appointment for 11 55. Everyone knows lunch is noon You got five minutes. That's all he had to work with But since joseph had spent some time in jail his business suffered See, nobody really wanted to go to Callinger rapid shoe repair pickup and delivery service ever since the owner Was convicted of beating and burning his kids I gotta say I have discipline I mean the shoes are probably the same. Oh, yeah, the shoes are very much the same

But nobody wanted to go he even started handing out business cards at the courthouse To the judge to the bailout trying to get business. Let me take a look at these new balances. Okay. Okay. Well one thing I will say about these new balances. They're not making you jesus christ Not like his shoes, right? And as a result because there were there was no business coming in the family suffered once more because no money was coming in So in order to get the business back up and running joseph convinced his children to completely recant their testimony And in february of 1974 they did completely letting their father off the hook And the good people of philadelphia came back to joseph the way they described this scene in the book

Right Callinger. He's like, oh, I gotta got my business back on. Oh, they're gonna see the fact that I didn't kill my children That means I didn't finish the job Right, and so he brought all the kids down in the basement and he's like here's the thing We're gonna tell the police that you kids lied And we're gonna say you're very sorry But everything you said was like a complete fossil toad and y'all and your father is not only The the right arm of christ himself But he's also an excellent father and a wonderful Jamaica and all of the kids their response were

Hell, yeah, it's fun to lie to the cops Straight up all of them are like Like lying at these cops Well, it is straight has there ever been a shoe company or a shoemaker that has not abused children I'm staring at my at my nikes right now. I'm just being like they kill 30 kids a day And people are still making them the number one bestseller But something changed in joseph callinger when he burned his daughter and beat his son The commandment from god to be the savior of mankind through orthopedics had died

Instead god was now commanding joseph to destroy the world. He'd failed to save I'm just saying why didn't god just encourage him to make sandals or just like get on the crop game? Because he didn't care about leisure shoe wear This is these are workman shoes. These are businessman shoes Joseph's job now was to personally murder every single person on the planet by destroying their sexual organs three billion people in 1974 and at the end of it all Joseph was going to murder himself and at the moment of his own murder joseph would become god And that's it set it and forgot it

So this is a pretty grand plan here huge plan Yeah, he was planning to kill every single person on earth one by one by Repping up the uh dickenballs. Maybe he should have had six minutes with the therapist Just get that last minute in there so he can utter that sentence He believed that you destroyed the penis it like deflates the person like that if you snip the penis off that they literally would just disappear And he I mean, you know, well, he's not doing well. No, he does it. He's obviously not thinking straight No, but he his response to god when god said you have to kill you have to kill every single person that exists Callender was like, oh

I've got to take a lot of time Right and that's going to take a lot of risk energy Well, as we learned from the lorraine documentary if you cut someone's penis off, they just get more famous They actually don't die But in order to become god Joseph had to enlist the help of a god So he brought one of the three total gods into the fold his 12 year old son Michael and began a crime spree

Now committing crimes for his teenage children was not new to joseph He'd already been out with joey spray painting the front gates of joey's high school And he even sometimes sent joey out to commit crimes on his behalf This is one of those moments in the show where I have to say if he wasn't crazy And that would be really fun. It is curly sue. This is curly sue It is him waking up his son and I'd be like, come on kids. It's time to go tagging And then they went and did like hung out on the subway station like Oh god, well, well, well lighten things lighten things everywhere

So seven one eight seven one eight till I die It's crazy Oh, so you guys are fine with the crime spree, but digging daddy's for some reason. That's weird No, because digging daddy wasn't just digging. He was crapping and coming well in the dig It was crapping and coming daddy after the kids went to sleepy time Hey, this was uh, this part is fun because vandalism is fun. Yes, the the actual hard Physical labor just seems to be it's not that I don't think it's Ah, it's not fun. Yeah. Yeah, but it's it's because it's hard. Uh-huh. That's why it's it's imagining the actual

Physicality of making them dig until their arms can't move anymore. Right. Yeah Well, joseph called sin and his kids out on crimes. He called that delegating joey was the kinsington delegate He was the local boy. I learned a little bit about kinsington since this because natalie lived in philly for a section of time And apparently kinsington's it's a little rough. Yeah, it's not doing well. It sounds like a terrible terrible place Well, I'll tell you one thing guys. I don't know why you're angry and the people who seem to be the most dangerous in philadelphia I've actually heard kinsington is a great place full of wonderful peaceful people And we hope to see you soon on the road. So joey. He was the kinsington delegate michael. He was callinger's Suburb delegate together joseph and michael would take buses out to suburban towns around

pennsylvania and new jersey and rob houses in the middle of the day And betty joseph's wife she was in on it too sometimes She'd wake up early and make breakfast for joseph and michael knowing exactly what it was that they were going out to do that day Here we go. Here's some eggs. So what are you guys getting into today? Well, hopefully what I hope the door is cut off at least 25 penises I just want to rummage through people's underwear drawers and I want still jewelry you kids You're still a kid at heart joe. She's like the mom of the what is it the bugle boys?

The cartoon dogs. It was from duck tails. Duck tails. Of course. Psychological disorders Like they're not transitive Obviously, right, but it is really strange how if you pull a bunch of people into a room Under what is now sort of the collective reality of joseph calender Yeah, about how they all of a sudden they just drip they just play along Well, it's a Stockholm syndrome type of thing where all these people are under the control of this one man So the types out so what he says Goes so they just kind of follow joseph's lead. It's weird. Is it just because is this straight up?

Is this the patriarchy like honestly is that what is this boiled into that where the idea is to just kind of whatever dad wants It's good for a family. Happy dad. Happy sad. I don't remember this episode of leave it to be for That's all I'll say on that It might be a part of that But I think it is also a part of just him taking control of the entire household and remember like they are living in a literal fortress like that he has built like they are living in a house where he has Covered all most of the windows with metal plates and then covered those with cement And so they are and you know and they also said that some of them enjoyed it like they enjoyed the lifestyle

But that's when they weren't getting uh, the holy living hell beat out of them Yeah, 12 year olds again You get to go spray paint your school who doesn't want to do that with your dad and also Marcus mentioned the word Stockholm. We're gonna be in Stockholm. Yeah It's time to plug that we can't not wait to see you all out there Yeah, that's our Stockholm syndrome tour that we'll be doing Taking people hostage until they learn to love us But the thing is about uh, the kids and the wife and all of them

Nobody except Joseph knew that all of this was being done under the commandment of god Joseph wasn't telling them that he was keeping all the god stuff to himself. It's like the secret masters shit Mm-hmm, but does that mean that he knew it was crazy? It and see I he didn't really go into why he didn't tell anybody about it the way it seems to me in my mind I'm not really sure but it's like Joseph calendar is on a Joseph calendar is on one channel. Yeah, and when he switches over to the family channel It's like, you know when you what it's like when he switches over to his family channel, right? That's abc But on the joe calendar channel, it's like the old school scrambled spice tv where it's like he's kind of

See but he's kind of seeing television. He kind of hears his family in the other room I think it's also very personal for him and he believes and and And expressively believes being like if I want to tell people about my personal relationship with god Then I would be I would sort of being like, uh, you know, I would be tattling So his version of god is blurry shannon tweed porn Okay, and it wasn't long before god upped the ante from breaking and entering to murder According to joseph god said quote the destruction of the hamsters was the beginning you continued by burning mary Joe's thigh only you were supposed to shove the hot spatula up into her vagina and guts

But you chickened out and burned only the soft flesh near her vagina Now the time has come for you with michael's health to kill three billion people I heard a lot of talk like that from the lord in the summer of 74 Geez Well, I have read some of the bible and it doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility that god would say something like that I heard a lot of talk from the lord like that in the summer of 74 The road the road the road Michael was not yet 13 years old at the time but by joseph's estimation his son was perfect for the job

He was enthusiastic Ruthless and according to joseph had a much bigger penis So mike had power that joseph didn't that's what joseph believed. Yeah, can you not do the much bigger penis? Like i'm in subway sandwiches being like what six inch or the full Much bigger if possible Listen come here michael michael wake up wake up wake up wake up. Listen. We're gonna do a little bit of a size test But I don't want to show you my penis because that'll be disgusting and I don't want you to see how small Is there you go, just hold this touchy roll up to next to your penis when you go in the bathroom

And you'll do it and you tell me just how much bigger it is It's gonna be bigger my goodness. This is a young child. Oh, that is much bigger. Okay. Thank you mr. Callinger enough so on june 26 1974 joseph told mike straight up that he had a strong desire to kill people And that michael was the one to do it with him in response according to joseph mike just said quote Glad to do it dad. Oh god, that's scary. He is just now. I know this kid isn't damian Damian from the omen, but like he sounds really on board for this Well, I wonder right because michael in this whole situation has been kind of the sleeper kid

Because joey's really been the one who's been mixed and shit up. He's been doing a lot of the vandalism arson Uh sucking dudes off underneath the bridge stealing shit Assaulting people. He was the real career criminal of the family. Michael kind of hanging in the background I almost wonder if it's kind of a perverted like Dad showing me attention. This is my way to bond with my dad Yeah, the way he jumped into cutting people's penises off was like the way I jumped into podcasting. Okay Now we don't know if mike really was as enthusiastic about crime and murder as joseph says he was Because mike never publicly spoke about his crimes

But no matter what mike was still right at joseph's side during all the murders helping So about a week and a half after joseph suggested murder joseph took his son aside and told him that today was the day The two of them hit the streets and at about 6 30 p.m. They found a 10-year-old boy named jose Kalazo hanging around outside the man recreation center joseph and mike told jose That they needed help moving some boxes of ribbon and if he'd like to help They pay him for his time because it's back when kids could work. Yeah, they could work But also you don't need help moving boxes of ribbon ribbon is extremely light

But if you have a lot of ribbon though, are they in the rid did you ever see this ribbon? I don't know just and i've got some my own personal ribbon is very small very small But my son's ribbon. Oh We talking about boxes of ribbon still i'm talking about cox. Oh, I see okay Well in reality They were planning to take hosay to the nearby abandoned rug factory And murder him and that's exactly what they did Once they got him there. They stripped the boy nude bound his hands and ankles with cord

And then using a shoemaker's tool They cut the boy's penis off and let him bleed to death. You know, it's interesting that they use the shoemaker tool Do you think that he knew about branding? You see just like this is going to be so on brand the way that we're going to do this I'll finally be one of batman's rogue gallery. It's just it really is like a super villain move To use the shoemaker tool. I think it's just what he had just what he had. Oh god. It's freaking disgusting the uh, well god told him his God told him he had powerful tools

And he's showing the light because there's that one segment when they said In a book where the light would come through the window onto his the lip because it's the lip shaped knife That he first had and he first learned how to snip the thing because he brought his shoe snippers with him And he believed that as a shoemaker truly his job was to be the ultimate Fucking revengeful shoemaker for god's hands, but he also said he did not know how the kid died because they were Beating him like Michael was beating him and choking him And so he goes to hop up and he gives it that gives him the chomp And then they were like the yada yada yada, and this is like

Because he assumed that when he was one I have a clue as to why the child died I don't know if you probably bled to death. I actually don't know if he bled to death. I think they then manually strangled him Oh, not to beat Like sounding like a baseball announcer about it, but I think they did manually strangled it. It is absolutely disgusting All right, so this is by far the most brutal thing that's happened. Yeah by far. Yeah Well about this murder joseph told flora schreiber quote Mike and I did what we did and what we had planned to do We had passed the test the rest will be easy gods will be done. Amen flora

Um, first of all the rest wouldn't be easy. He would still have three billion people But I'll tell you what I have seen on several magnets A journey of a million miles begins with one tiny boy's penis being chopped off I don't think that's the right motto. I've been at different stores than you I think you must have been going to a different barns of noble in me And he went even further in his description lamenting the lack of light at the murder scene. This is a further quote I was a little disappointed because I don't have been too dark in the factory to see blood I wanted to see blood. My thoughts were drenched in blood blood gushing out of human bodies

Blood flooding the cities staining rivers and oceans blood boiling in a huge pot with muscles and sexual organs in it That quiver while bubbles pop and splash All right, so I just have to ask that I know it's obvious that you wanted to see blood Oh, like honestly, even just a nice post. Did you think about just turning the light on? Oh my god It's like shutting the computer off when you have computer problems. Exactly It was an abandoned rug factory. The power had been cut. No, okay So that's his biggest complaint as he didn't see enough blood that he didn't see enough blood that it was too dark in there All right

So after murdering this child joseph put the severed penis in his pocket and took it home There he sealed it in plaster of paris, but once it started to smell Joseph took his trophy and threw it in the sewer and not surprisingly Joseph and mike were never suspected of the crime in any way whatsoever. Nobody saw him with the kid Now joseph said he just acted the part of the outraged citizen We didn't even mention that he lost his penis Yeah, it seems like a strange piece of information that you would have Um, perhaps you are it just seems like a natural thing that would happen to a dead young boy. Okay

And after a while the story just faded away is another unsolved case people of philadelphia just forgot about it So at no point where they like this creepy ass shoemaker who's already killed or who who already has hurt his children No, no, he would have done that. He was nowhere near this is because he had just been exonerated Well, he's in a public. He's having a war Or with the philadelphia justice department right now where they're going back and forth trying to repeal these charges that he was convicted of For child abuse, but he was nowhere near Anything like this. They just thought he because remember he also he had not unlike the child's little penis He had all of the legislature of philadelphia in his pocket because he fixed all their shoes

So all of the lawyers knew him the judge knew him and so for a while they just thought again There was a lot of uh, kind of like vague spare the rod spoil the child shit the power of orthopedics I think he had them in his pocket is going a little too far. Yeah I put the shoe on the other day and I had three wishes granted to me by a cazzard head I I love my tailor. I know but he was still crazy joe. I don't yeah I don't know if I'd go to bat for my tailor. He was in a child abuse case On the day that michael and joseph killed the boy joseph said he turned to his son and told them that they were gonna murder others And according to joseph michael turned to him and said quote good

And supposedly according to joseph soon after telling his son this he completely and totally forgot That he murdered the little boy Joseph forgot joseph forgot. Yeah the hell does he forget that? I left my computer charger in the hotel room last week entirely different story Well, he'd been told that he'd done it But the details didn't come until he spoke with flora schreiber years later, but that's just what he says Okay, so we don't know if that's a hundred percent true or not again, but then a part of her weird pseudo Breakdown of psychology in the book is that she kind of attributes it to actual amnesiac periods of like

I guess that schizophrenics have or people with severe dissociative disorders have but I think that he's just saying it I think he's just saying yeah flora schreiber. I mean yeah, it's like we said in the last episode She's the author of sible, which was largely discredited. She made she makes a lot of jumps Okay, and the shoemaker that story is fantastic. The story is great, but her Psychological analysis can be a little suspect at times But also this is just straight up serial killer compartmentalization as far as I'm concerned because you know like john wien Gacy said that his other his dark half did it Ted Bundy said the entity did it jack Hanley. Yeah Yeah, yeah, that's right. So about two weeks after the murder of Jose Colasso joseph had a vision

in this I just like all of this shit. It's because it's very um Like what's his name who who dre? It's like alohandro jotaro ski very much. So yeah, I mean I mean these visions are I mean they're beyond david lynch. I mean they are some of the most intense things I've ever read right right in this vision joseph said he saw a boy being thrown from a mountain and in that moment joseph had an erection I wish I didn't I did I'm gonna wish you didn't too turkey is Well, you'd come to know erections as a signal that the message was coming from god

I am talking to god every second of every day. I guess so I mean especially as a hotel room there for the first 15 minutes Of the last 50 minutes. I spent an hotel room. I guess I'm talking directly to jesus christ He's got a whole website God told joseph that he must throw the boy Whoever the boy was from the edge of a cliff and that joseph would find the name of the cliff in a brochure On the small table beside his sofa bed See joseph picked up a couple of travel brochures at a tourist information center a few days before Because he wanted some ideas for a father son outing with his three sons

Because that was the amazing thing about it is that he was still trying to be a dad during all of this But never he didn't know how but he was also getting all of these signals from god Right. He was a very complicated individual. He's confused. He's very confused sounds. Yeah a bit like that But the kids were barely going to school and so they were they were in and out true But he viewed them all again. They're all now serving a higher purpose So he doesn't give a shit that sounds like kind of some of the towns We just drove through Ohio where it's like the families are all there either working and we went to this cheese shop who's grandpa's cheese barn and um, the whole family is there working and it's two o'clock in the afternoon

Oh, it's a family affair. They should have been in school But that's the greatest education the cheese education. Yes, that's what you want to know But it's strange because he did have this other thing being like but I want to do something nice for them Because I can't always have them working because it's so hard to cut all these penises off I know look at my thin thin wrist. It's yeah, it's so so he wants to be a normal daddy and just it's not happening Yeah, it's not happening at all And he also would send the kids out to try to sell like shoe cleaning products Uh, but then when they wouldn't sell enough he'd beat the shit out of them

Okay, it's like the show my two dads if it was just one dad one dad. Yeah the whole time As joseph was flipping through these brochures. He found what he was looking for He would fulfill god's command at the pennsylvania grand canyon It just filled with beer cans What is the pennsylvania grand canyon? It's a big canyon in pennsylvania, but you but it's not the grand canyon No, it's the pennsylvania grand canyon But why even go with the great just rename it because it's like the grand canyon But it's in pennsylvania, but the grand canyon is the grand canyon

So no matter what you're like, huh, that's the pennsylvania grand canyon They are they were but the real grand canyon you're immediately going to be disappointed They weren't ready to call the delco county big gaper That would work yeah, it will for several things. Well, it's joseph found the place God told him the target He was gonna have to kill joey His own son I've heard about this somewhere. This is it wasn't this a story of moses or something in the bible

Uh, abraham, abraham, okay God went on to explain that had joseph not spent so much time on discipline with his son Then he may have succeeded in his orthopedic experiments This thing keeps twisting and twisting and every single move he makes in order to make it like it's his fault too Right. He does take responsibility for being a horrible dad kind of kind of Plus if joseph had the will to kill his own son Then he would have the will to kill Anyone and everyone on earth that makes total sense

Of course And besides joseph was able to make a little money off the deal too, which this part tells you that might not be a hundred percent psychological Soon after he decided to kill joseph took out two insurance policies on his own son The totaled forty five thousand dollars in profit for the surviving calendars I'm gonna need about 45 grand of insurance on my son. I'll tell you what he's got small feet And he's very easy to knock over. He's very sick all the time and he yearns for a bullet in his mouth Well, that is just so great. This is our this is flow from progressive

Oh Do you mind if I cut off your vagina? It's for jesus christ. That's you gotta ask her that. Okay Now according to joseph Michael had already suggested that they kill joey as their next victim as michael and joey apparently Fucking hated each other. It works out So when joseph suggested they throw him off a cliff mike said let's go. Let's go Wait, so the other son slash brother was totally into this idea These kids are like remember the the uh burger king kids club. Of course. It's that but they're all henry lee lucas

They are ready to fucking kill each other. He definitely passed like father like son, huh? I remember that episode of this But you've ever seen tidus and dronica's the shakespeare player read it. Yeah, it's like the you fucking I read the But screenplay and then I read the I have seen it. I have seen it. Yeah when they just win give me a location It was in uh in the in a pick a location in a bedroom You watch a shakespeare play alone in your bedroom

Yeah, was it the film tidus? Adronicas No, I uh, no, I I have read that. Yes. Yeah, love it It's a wonderful play wonderful play. No, it's like this the the panel of sons In that play where it's like it is literally they there is a The villain has a series of sons that are all like villains And they're just as liable to kill you as there are to kill each other. Yeah, I knew that I knew that I read that So on a sunday joseph took all three boys to the bus station to catch a ride to the pennsylvania grand canyon

But they all took too long in the bathroom and missed the bus What it's such a it's this part of the the weird logic things and in this whole episode that I don't understand But literally it's like, okay. We got four minutes to go to the bathroom. Everybody take a shot And so they all would go there like yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like because you could tell it's all them just kicking garbage cans and like Like like knocking people's coffees out of their hands. Joey's chain smoking the entire time He's got a 14 year old chain smoker following him everywhere And they just let the bus just roll past whatever it was that was anti society

They're like, I don't know. We just buy bought tickets. We just bought bus tickets So the other people can have them, but then we're just gonna say fuck you bus Make me want to ride you They sound like a john waters cast just horrible deviance So joseph went with the backup plan instead of going to the pennsylvania grand canyon They could go have a nice sunday exploring the beautiful minds of pennsylvania Who doesn't want to explore the minds of pennsylvania with their schizophrenic father?

That is that's just a great sunday So joseph figured that a pit was a pit and joey would died no matter what he threw him off of But as he was making this decision joseph had a vision right there in the bus station Oh, tell me that he comes up with the idea of a mcdonald's ball pit He saw himself lying naked on the floor and joey was throwing dry branches over joseph's body And joey lit the fire and joseph burned His skin melted from his face and he screamed as joey sat watching in a recliner Chain smoking and singing this song

It's honestly a really really good song though. I like that song very much. So this is his father just screaming at a bus stop I'm now going to think that everyone I see screaming at a bus stop We we saw a lot of people in cincinetti screaming at a bus stop was just thinking about their son burning alive That was joey's favorite song number one. We're just haunting because he used to go We had joy. We had fun. We had season in the sun as they were like torturing people in the street But yeah, it's calender standing with his kids chain smoking next to him staring off into the middle distance going We missed the bus time to go to the mines my goodness

I mean joseph calender is the crisscross of serial killers. He missed the bus And of course crisscross. I missed the bus. Oh, I thought you're talking about we're gonna do it again I thought you're talking about christopher cross from the song sailing Right, it's just so weird what your brain absorbs and just keeps in there. I wish I did I wish that I knew less I know I wish you did too So in other words when these guys got to the mines joseph was pretty amped up But as he was taking pictures of his two sons The murderous urge left as joseph put it again and again

The cup had run dry. His boner went down So that is true your time. He also had a boner. But no, he would do the fuck It was like a looney tunes cartoon where he would get the kids He's like, okay, we're gonna find because he would pull michael aside I mean like we're gonna find a place to kill joey and he's like, yes, daddy Whatever it takes, let's get rid of joey and they would he would position them taking pictures right up by the the cliff's edge He's like, all right got closer to the cliff edge A little closer. He's like he's close enough daddy. Is this close enough?

Yeah, a little bit closer a little closer Okay, michael one two Oh Oh my god, I have to redo the whole thing Oh, interesting. Okay, so this is good for the kids. It's good for one. Yeah Yeah, I would say to be fair But joseph was even going up to michael and saying like hey throw some rocks at your brother This is like just like canan able shit going on right now. Yeah

So they went home and joseph figured out another plan The next idea was to burn joey alive inside a truck container that was being stored in a parking lot near the calendar home See 14 year old joey. As I said was a chain smoker So joseph and mike figured they could trick joey into taking a bunch of gas into a container to burn the container down Just for fun. Yes. Is this the fucking adams family? What is going on actually even thinking about this stuff actually the calendar family? It is what the adams family would be like in real like if they were real it is a pack of homicidal maniacs and also Not very bright. No, I would assume not joey was not smart

Henry, did you think that was gonna be breaking news these kids who never went to school who chain smoke who spend their nights digging holes And spray painting their high school with their schizophrenic father aren't necessarily on the bright side of life But they also knew each other so well and they sat there. They're like all we gotta do Is this stuff? What is joey love? He loves flicking cigarette butts, right? So we put him on there with a bunch of gasoline and eventually we'll go naturally and see he's gonna throw this cigarette butts and set Up self on fire and michael's like, yeah, you will he definitely will and joey goes ahead He does fucking exactly that And you like the joseph calendar in my mind has become bernie sanders meets tony clifton

Yeah, they figured they'd get him into the container and then when he wasn't looking they'd lock him in And since they figured joey wouldn't be careful He just lied up the smoke his cigarette would ignite the flame joey burned to death Knocking one more person off their hit list of three billion And they did they do their damnedest on the night that they were gonna do it the horrifying laughter Remember that joseph had Yes, yeah, he was laughing at things that were not funny like richard nixon Yeah, it hadn't come out in 20 years, but that night it came back

And as it came back joseph hallucinated a vision of his son Burning alive and as he hallucinated this he just laughed and laughed without joy all while writhing around like a snake And suddenly joseph stopped laughing the visions ended and he went to gather his two sons He gave joey gasoline and matches and gave mike all the instructions to lock his brother inside But when the time came to trap joey in the container The lock was too high for mike because mike was not yet 13. He hadn't hit his growth spurt yet Mike was only four foot 11. Yeah, this kid needs a squatty potty He needs a step ladder. He could not ride the kunta at bush gardens, but he could attempt to murder his brother

Interesting that is an interesting note for some reason just giving some insight into how small and juvenile these children are Yeah, he's 12 years old. He's four foot 11 So mike improvised and wedged an empty milk crate between the trailer and the wall and went home You know that shows every single time you say the word can't what you mean is the word won't That's honestly kind of but what I just realized though Why didn't he just use the milk crate to stand on? He's not Honestly, he just did the thing where he's like i'll just jam it in That's a good question. This'll do it. This'll kill him. Sure enough when uh, he got home

Mike and joseph looked out the window. They saw black smoke billowing from the container. It worked out perfectly Joey had lit up the fucking cigarette and the whole thing had lit on fire But much to their surprise a few minutes after that who should show up at the front door But joey, but all covered in silk like his wily coyote. Yeah, what kind of cartoon cigarette is this? This is like insane. That was one of the better cigarettes. I've ever had in my life Well, joey assumed that michael just run off because he got scared and the milk crate hadn't lasted past a couple of good kicks to the door Now they'd failed twice and still joey was none the wiser He is not smart

Okay, it's not getting it. It is When is the magoo? When are they just going to paint a big black circle and just be like with any luck? He'll think it's a tunnel like this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard And yeah, but it's also super super sinister. It's extremely sinister. It's it's very sad Like I mean it is a father and son trying to murder a family member in my way. I almost see this as Joseph Callinger was both Hyper aware of what his quote-unquote task was supposed to be for god

But I think that there was an inner the other of the my two dads the other the real Joseph Callinger the one that was not Completely taken over by his illness that was very hesitant to murder his own son. Yeah, I would hope so But the third attempt would result in joey's death Joseph got a message from god that the perfect place for the murder existed in a condemned block of shops on market street in philadelphia Joseph and mike told joey that they were going out there to take some spooky pictures And they were even going to bring along some props They were going to bring some locks and some chains and joey who loved having his picture taken couldn't wait He was like, yeah, that's cool. This sounds like a great afternoon. Yeah, he sounds like an alt model

I mean, it really does sound like fun again if your father isn't a schizophrenic who wants to kill you. Yeah So on july 28th 1974 the three of them set out for the abandoned shops and found a ladder Leaning on a platform about five feet above a stagnant pool of water in the basement Oh my god, if you tell me they throw toaster oven in the water, I mean One of the first details about this story that really creeps me out is that it's literally just a stagnant pool of construction site water Right, joey. They open the door. They're like, let's go down here. This one's gonna be a real creepy That's what we'll get a real good shot. Yeah, and joey opens door. He's like, oh hell yeah

This is creepy shit. Oh look It's a stagnant pool my favorite He goes down to the bottom of the stairs takes off his shoes and socks rolls off his fucking pants and just being like Sticking his feet in the water like oh, it's like a watering hole It reminds me of whenever every summer in williamsburg brooklyn, of course where we reside and love Um, every there's always the new people in williamsburg. Yeah, and they're like, this is so romantic I love to be in brooklyn and they take their shoes off at like midnight when you're drunk when they're drunk And I know for a fact they're stepping in human feces vomit in just trash oil is everywhere for some reason

There's so much construction going on. There is nothing sweet about the filthy streets of these cities And as soon as they found that spot they told joey, this is where we're taking the pictures So joey super excited that he was going to get his picture taken stood up against the ladder They found and let his father and brother chain him to the handles Well, the goal right was that they changed him front face forward onto the ladders He didn't ask him exactly what the theme of the shoot was going to be I think that if it was like Project one way it would be crime and punishment

But he was up against the ladder and because the first thing was that they needed to get access to his penis Because they were supposed to cut off his penis. So he was supposed to be positioned between the rungs Is this like a dov? What is it dov? Dov charny. Is this a dov charny photo shoot? Anytime the photographer is like we need to get access to your penis It's usually like, you know what? I think I'm good. I'm just gonna go But once joey was tightly bound Joseph just tipped the ladder into the pool of water and watched his own son drown

In a in a pool of muddy disgusting construction water and the way the in the description of it because Joseph Callinger was like obviously immediately trying to distance himself Psychologically from what he's watching because he watched his son hit the water and then like just be like help Help me daddy like through like trying to get his voice and he they just like It just went blink blink and it just erased itself from Callinger's mind Oh my god, like the men in black showed up and just erased his brain. Huh? Yeah Once Joey was dead. They pulled the ladder out of the water Unchained him

Just let the body there and as they walked away from the site Joseph once again, so that he just forgot everything that he just done. Well, then honestly, man Why even do it if you're just going to but he doesn't know that he's forgotten He doesn't know that he forgot the first one And he didn't know that he forgot the second one. He still thinks this whole time that he is on a mission from god to kill Three billion people. Oh my god. Okay. Yeah, so he's locked in man. He is scared. That's a one thing too. He is scared He uh doesn't really understand his circumstances and he initiates appearing to him fucking photoreal and concrete Okay, it's hard to comprehend, but uh, yeah

So joey was reported missing at 11 p.m. That night and joey's body was not found for almost two weeks When a detective named ed funk discovered that the body was indeed joey calender Hey, tell me is that some kind of dead little boy? But I don't bow Could you stop living up to your name and every crime scene? Oh, I'll try but it's hard to outlive the phone Made it down. It'll look down. I gotta keep playing bass. I don't lose the rhythm. It's a tragic scene, sir Yeah, tell me about it. I'm about to cry, but up my own In the weeks since the murder joseph had even spoken to the philadelphia bulletin about his missing son And had bizarrely recounted the first murder attempt on his son in the mines as a happy memory

I can't believe how many times my son almost died. Oh We laughed and we sang me and my sons So he's pulling remember susan smith the gal who drowned her children. He's doing one of those press conferences. Is that right? Mm-hmm, but the philadelphia police who knew all about joseph calender's history of child abuse pegged joseph as murder suspect number one He also did not make any friends in the police department because of how much he would he is uh, uh Let's say he is a difficult human being to deal with 24 7. I think that that's a fair statement to make Yes, the cops fucking hated him and he hated cops. Okay, rightfully. So I'm on the cops part. Yeah But the thing is the cops didn't have any evidence beyond the insurance policy

Honestly, I'm just gonna say That's enough. You got the body. You have I'm sure It could have like nipped this in the butt a little bit. It's a hunch thing So they all were like that's a problem. It's kind of based on a hunch, but it's like a really really really good hunch It's a huge hunch. Yeah, but it's just I mean, it's just circumstantial I mean, that's like the definition of circumstantial evidence circumstance that you Put took out an insurance policy on your son and then he ended up dead about a month later It's not gonna hold up in a court of law. Okay. All right. All right

But even though joseph was a free man He was about to become saddled with a new problem altogether as a result of his actions On the day that the philadelphia police told him that he was their main suspect in the murder of joey calinger Joseph was walking down the same street where he killed his son when he saw Off in the distance the head of a boy bobbing at eye level what's up When joseph tried to ignore it and went home, but the head followed him And when joseph got to his door the head came close and showed itself

The vision was just the head of a boy with no mouth and no nose And its skin was pus white and drawn across the skull. Oh my god. It's betty white Also is uh is pus white. Can I buy that at a home depot to paint my walls with is that a real color? I'm sure one of our listeners is selling makeup called pus white right now I don't know a lot, but I see natalie's stack of sephora stuff, but i'm pretty certain i've seen a pus white highlighter So nasty The eyes of this vision were described in the shoemaker as small discs of brown cork Surrounded by tiny veins like red worms and white fluid

This shit think about how fucking scary this shit is It's just like because at first it sounds like it's like a cartoon. It's like Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na like as it's bobbing slowly and then it shows up like And joseph's cow's like oh It kind of seems like uh what's the the cover of the movie zombie? Yeah, a little bit like that and this floating head was focused directly on joseph So joseph unlocked the door through his keys at the apparition and ran inside Hold on a second. I'm like a skunk but with keys That's my natural reaction out of all the violent things that this man has done

He reacted like my grandmother Like he just threw his keys That's floating in front of him like that's gonna work. He acted like Bernie Sanders We saw him with that stupid bandage on his head. He fell down in the shower And I hopefully he didn't see the severed head of fucking. I don't know who just recently died. It wasn't a Barbara Bush John McCain Later Joseph was once again working on an old pair of shoes when the head reappeared

But this time it spoke despite having no mouth as if from a loudspeaker and said in a high-pitched voice quote Charlie never remember it's got like it's like it's lips are like quivering like It's like Chattering Chatter cuz it has no mouth It has no mouth. Yeah, it has no mouth Creepy it sounds like something that you have to whip in Castlevania. Yeah come after yeah, yeah No, it had no mouth and no nose

That's why he said that it sounded like the voice came from a loudspeaker because it had no mouth whatsoever Wow Charlie never quite explained where he came from or who he was. He didn't have to Stryber figures Charlie was created out of guilt for murdering his own son But the only information Joseph could glean from this new vision in that first conversation was this Charlie told him quote The next time Charlie showed up was during another interrogation by the police Concerning Joey's disappearance and you're in with the cops right and you're already being like well I'm I just got a hold of your shoes And I swung on that I can make sure you're nine feet tall and not only nine feet tall

But also if you ever seen stretch Armstrong. Yeah, we can really spread you out. Okay, I'm like a rubber man. It's all what I saw What I saw and then the head Floats above the shoulder of the cop you're talking to yeah, yeah Yeah, the police captain sitting there asking him questions about his son's murder and the cop No, that has like just like a gut hunch that you are the murderer Yeah, and then suddenly Charlie popped up right over the shoulder of the police captain and said quote Mr. Callinger it seems like you're a little distracted Just getting back to your son here for a moment

Tell him not one time maybe one time that I remember okay, Charlie. I'm gonna need to be quiet Okay, that's a severed head is my friend. There's a severed head behind me He's cool. He's cool. Okay. Well, just told him to shut up The cop thought that Joseph was talking to him and the cop got pissed off and Charlie said quote Why is this imagination so fun though? No, that is that is crazy and still After five hours of that kind of back and forth the cops still let Joseph free because they had nothing That one could never got me can never keep me in celebration. I guess so it was around this time that Betty had

Another kid. Oh my this story is it's incredible. It's okay. No, that's this is what you had you you lost one Yeah, I guess so then I guess you replace the kid cuz what I mean, what is Joe Callinger's sex style? Like is it just him going? Oh, I mean, I can't wait to touch us Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, like a tugboat like tugboat coming into the horror Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, and she's sitting in the bed be like, I can't wait for you to come inside me and make another little one Of you, I don't know if you did an accident, but that's a Don Rickles bit With any and I went to see Don Rickles and Bill Billy Crystal was Billy Crystal. You know Regis Philman. Ah, it was the reach That's his opening bed. He does his tugboat thing and he's

Weird I must absorb that somewhere. Yeah. Well, this kid was a little girl named Bonnie But Bonnie had been born with a rare condition called I'm gonna do my best with this. This is very complicated Cutis Marmorata Talon Geoctatica congenital is that the book of the dead Can you see me that I'm floating over the bed Mm-hmm. Well, it wasn't painful, but the disease caused Bonnie's skin to be covered in purple patches There was and still is no cure

But one night Joseph had an hallucinatory dream in which he thought he was given an answer to his daughter's problems To put the hallucination into broad strokes because it was quite vivid. This is coolest shit It's interesting. It's disgusting, but it is and and I'm putting this into extremely broad strokes here Because this vision is extremely detailed and very long Okay, but in this vision Joseph was walking down a long corridor with a crystal wand in his left hand Oh, that's awesome. I'm like Superman and Gandalf the corridor opened out to a road leading to a one-story house and Suddenly a shower of golden shoelaces fell from the sky angels then

descended from on high and Saying this to Joseph Joseph calendar master shoemaker and God of the universe Oh healer and destroyer. We sing your praises now Another very on-brand hallucination It is like crazy. I mean this is why he's the shoemaker. I suppose it's the big Lebowski Man, this story is just out there Then the headless figure of a naked woman appeared before Joseph in the middle of the road and squatting where her head should have been Was a demon with a gigantic erect penis. Oh, hey, I don't buddy

Examining the woman further Joseph found that she had enormous breasts and an exposed body cavity and hanging from her nipples Was a doll-sized man with bat wings and a frog's head. What is that? Henry's a brouse Literally Clive Barker couldn't come up with a better character for Hellraiser than this could not the bat frog man Also had a huge erection and he was trying to stick it into the open wound on the woman's torso a win in Rome My god, they're not in Rome. They're in Pennsylvania. Oh, yeah, I'm in Pennsylvania I'm also my dick is shaft deep inside of this woman's torso. Oh my god And slapping at the legs of the little man was Joseph's baby daughter Bonnie She was sitting amongst the woman's intestines fuck shit. Fuck yeah, like what is it? Crang?

Yeah, like crane just like right just like crank Joseph waved the wand again, but this time it turned into a tiny dried penis So that means that of course, he's in the Slytherin Club Yeah, and it's house not club what He's in a Slytherin house A minute Harry Potter you just pulled that from the collective unconscious. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've read all the books You did yeah, what was what was the last one called Titan? So Joseph threw the tiny dried penis to the ground he heard the sound of fire

So he followed the sound and found people with arms like the branches of trees bound by chains into the earth They were all groaning and wailing dying by fire and on the ground next to them were empty shoes Dancing to the cries pain Then Joseph saw the face of Lucifer Which morphed into a vagina in there, buddy, which flora schreiber inexplicably called a quote Harry Delta At least she didn't call it a grody punani Like and then it's it's icky-dicky little the poop-a-too-coo like people have baby names for vaginas

Disgusted and flora schreiber. I mean she really is like a fantastic descriptive writer I mean, there's a reason why Sybil was such a gigantic hit because it's it's hurt. She is a fantastically descriptive writer I love her writing style, but I just can't get past. I just say vagina Just an adult just say you don't have to say Harry Delta. It's not a bucket of I know what a vagina looks like scruffy envelope Every Delta of course went on to be one of the stars of designing women I did it again. I did it again Then the vagina began to speak to Joseph in a raunchy voice The vagina said quote. I know what'll cure Bonnie

take my friend mix it with your semen and with perfume and put the liquid on Bonnie so Thank you This is I didn't realize that Casey Anthony was doing sex audiobooks Single and ready to mingle And with that Joseph had a mission he took this as Instruction he was gonna follow the advice of the talking vagina

But in order to do so he needed vaginal fluid Mm-hmm. Oh Of course because the vagina said take my fluid Okay, you decided that his wife was too old. I got plenty of fluid though Joe So he and Mike went searching for someone young and healthy and this is when this takes a big fucking left turn Mm-hmm, and since Joseph supposedly didn't remember his first two murders. He thought this would be the perfect opportunity To kick off his world massacre. He legitimately every time it's restarted like this He had to imagine me like, okay time to kill our first one. Yeah

Time for the appetizer, but then they we already killed two people, right? So Joseph and Mike armed with a butcher knife in a brown paper bag Got on a bus and headed to the suburban town of Lindenwald, New Jersey They also barely covered that fucking knife. Yeah, that's what they said is that the knife is literally like it's just like they just wrapped Paper around a knife. Mm-hmm. Well once they got there Joseph found a third companion had come along As they were looking for a house who should show up, but Charlie. Oh Great, well when Joseph told Charlie to get the hell out of there now's not the time Charlie, right? Charlie said quote, Joseph you old horse's ass chicken brain fuck her up. You're a real laugh

You know that if you're gonna be God, then I'm the only ghost and I'm gonna fuck the Virgin Mary Wow Charlie I appreciate you doing your version of the aristocrats That is really that's great But you need to get out of here now then the pupils and Charlie's eyes disappeared leaving only the whites of his eyeballs And he faded away laughing And at that moment Mike who'd been wandering around the suburban neighborhood by himself

Approached his father and told him that he'd found a woman all alone To make sure she was alone Michael knocked on her door and asked her if she'd like to buy any tie clasps When she said her husband didn't wear those Michael asked if he was around so he could make sure he didn't want any But she said she was alone Mmm, and with that knowledge the plan went forward See Joseph had dressed up nicely that day wearing the suit and tie that he always did when they went out to commit crimes So when he knocked on the door holding Mike by the arm, he had an air of respectability

When the woman answered the door Joseph angrily asked her if this young boy tried to sell her anything She got a bad feeling and started to close the door But before she got a chance Joseph and Mike burst into the house. They took her upstairs Stripped her naked laid her down on her bed and tied her wrists and ankles to the bedsprings with bootlaces Before slipping a pillowcase over her head. They ransacked the house for valuables then Joseph told Mike He wanted to be alone with the woman Once Mike left the visions began. This is fucking frightening because think about this They have now ransacked this whole house because they're trying to make whatever money they can Joseph's very Joseph is a very big man, too

Joseph looked over into the corner of the bedroom and saw the shadowy figure of a man and as the man turned towards Joseph Calendar realized that this figure was his double and this double was facing a figure of a nude woman Whose features were vague and her mouth was open in a silent scream Then Joseph watched as the man pulled out a knife with his left hand and began moving it in and out of the woman's stomach But before Joseph couldn't mimic the vision in front of him He had to follow the instructions the talking vagina had given him and here's where things are about to get both Disgusting and disturbing. Okay. Here's the time This this series might this might be the most disturbed

I have felt in a or maybe the two years. Yeah, this is really bad. I'm glad we can still get to you Yeah, no you guys you constantly have traumatized and triggered me a calendar needed semen to complete his concoction But just as he was about to rape his victim He went limp and the visions vanished Determined to still go through with it though. Joseph rubbed his soft penis on the woman's pubic hair until a few Pathetic blobs of semen dribbled out Then he put his finger into the woman's vagina for fluid Then he gathered his semen and put it all in a rubber glove before taking a bottle of perfume from her dresser to complete his list of

Ingredients but since the vision had disappeared Joseph no longer had the inspiration for lack of a better word To go through with the murder. So Joseph and Mike left the house Without doing it. Hmm. This this episode that they do There's something about it. Obviously, I mean, this is very harrowing a sexual salt and it's very frightening But it's something to me that's even more frightening is Again, we are telling the story from inside of calendar's brain, right? So he can see all this shit, but there's stuff about how a man His 12 or 13 year old son have bound and gagged you you're in a room and you don't know what's about to happen

You you're pretty certain you're about to get murdered. He has a knife in his hands. He stops He's on top of you. He's like looking at you. He stops then again stares into the middle distance Not seeing something that's not there like glitter there and then proceeds to rub himself on you But like you're still again waiting what the fuck's gonna happen. What's gonna happen here? And then he's like, okay, we're done and then they just leave Horrifying absolutely horrifying. So when Joseph got home He mixed the semen the vaginal fluid and the perfume with some warm water and applied the tincture to his infant daughter's skin

And kept doing it every evening for a week. I actually saw that in an article in Goop But when nothing happened Charlie came back to taunt Joseph Charlie then gave Joseph instructions to go out the next day with Mike find a house and kill whoever he found inside This is like office space. He's got seven bosses a lot of bosses very crazy and to give him what I supposed was Encouragement Charlie told Joseph to look over into the while you wait booths in his store and there Joseph saw the figure of the murderer and the victim once more and again the knife just slowly moved in and out And out in and out and I mean, I guess is he late with their shoes? I don't know The next day Joseph and Mike headed to Susquehanna Township in Pennsylvania and settled on a nice two-story house

And Joseph was coming to this one with a brand-new method right before they left Kensington Joseph had seen a vision of his double whom he had come to call the supreme power And in this vision the supreme power was pouring lighter fluid into a woman's eyes So Joseph figured that this is what he needed to do Honestly, it's kind of like a hashtag mood to see yourself in the mirror and call yourself the supreme power Because I think it's important to remember that but as long as you're not convincing yourself to drown a woman in kerosene Yeah, then I think you're G to G. This might very well be the premise of Jordan Peele's us Okay, thank you

I haven't seen it yet. I have no idea what else is gonna be about but so at 11 30 a.m Joseph and Mike broke into a nice two-story suburban home while the occupant was out running errands And they waited for her to return as soon as she walked inside the two of them grabbed her and pointed a gun in her face Think about how surprising this is. This is at 11 30 in the goddamn morning Like you just went out you're you're you're getting dude doing your shit you're going grocery shopping And then you walk into being held hostage by a man and a child. Yeah, that is crazy The morning does make it more frightening in a strange way Why is that very least more surprising night? Obviously you feel more vulnerable because you can't see but there's just something about like in the morning

You're like, oh, I'm not nothing's gonna happen. I mean right now No at night There's a big difference between going to the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the afternoon or 2 a.m. 2 a.m. A lot of people bring a baseball bat with them You've been doing that. No, I don't do that in your own home You take a baseball bat to your own bathroom. No, I go I bring a bag of chips to the bathroom Yeah, I've seen this do an entirely different thing So they let her upstairs and tied her to the bed then placed

Absorbent cotton moistened with lighter fluid onto her eyes before covering almost her entire face in Adhesive tape the plan was to set her on fire to mimic a vision that was once again playing out in front of Joseph Callinger in the bedroom But just as Joseph had taken out the can of lighter fluid that he brought along the vision once again Vanished and Joseph said that he felt quote-unquote Silly yeah, I'd feel silly too because he'd gotten everything set up, but didn't go through with it Yeah, that was his emotion at that time that he just felt silly Like I'm like John Candy and stripes right now. I'm just a biggest goof in the yard the echo my face

I am so sorry that I put you through this for me I mean like let's think about how embarrassing this is for me Geez how far gone do you have to be to use silly as the descriptor for you not being able to? Keep the visions while you're murdering a woman, but at that moment the doorbell rang What Joe and Mike didn't know was the woman they had tied to the bed upstairs had planned a luncheon that day So one by one the guests began to show up and one by one Mike and Joseph brought each of them inside and restrained them with wire hangers taken from the closet This is like faulty towers, but with murder. Yeah, very serious episode of faulty towers by the end of it

They had four hostages But once Joseph got them all where he wanted them he was struck with another vision This one was the most vivid and involved vision yet now these are four Struggling people he told each one of them. He's like calm down, but that's gonna happen. We're here This is like right now. This is our situation We're just gonna we're gonna play this by ear and everybody's gonna smile because this whole thing He's like I want to treat them with respect. Yeah And so as he's talking to them, so now you've got four people and so it happens again

There's people struggling. They don't know what else gonna happen Joe is now just staring at the wall and I guess Michael is just like Have an idea is daddy like I don't know what he's doing well Mike was upstairs with the hostages Oh, yeah, that's right because they took the hostages upstairs into the bedroom like one by one and Joseph was down in the dining room By himself where the settings have been placed for the day's luncheon He's just staring off into the distance most people you see alone in a subway or doing this right right, okay, and suddenly The vision began and the supreme power Entered the room and in the vision the four hostages came with him

Hmm the supreme power stripped the women then laid them on the floor and cut off their breasts Putting all eight into plastic bags before continuing downward to their Harry deltas same stage driver used again as a descriptor to the scene Okay, the double then knelt down and pulled out the innards removing the lungs heart intestines uterus ovaries and Livers of each woman, but this is the vision. This is the vision

Okay, after that came the eyes tongues and ears which are all removed right before the supreme power took off their heads hmm the entrails were then The entrails were then put into pans for baking while the eyes ears tongues and ovaries were all placed in Pyrex dishes. Where knows the tail here Then making several trips the supreme power took what Joseph now assumed was a meal into the kitchen for preparation After only a few moments though the double came back wearing an apron of fine linen Carrying gold dishes filled with blood gravy and eyeball or derv's No, it is it's like Indiana Jones in the temple of

It's like a goth luncheon Honestly, I do know for a fact that you would drink blood of animals and eat their eyeballs in a stool I have a stool in a stool. I've put it in my stool No, this whole scene it sounds like something out of Grant Morrison's doom patrol like is or in the invisible Specifically doom patrol. It sounds just like this horrible psychedelic Nightmare, why can't I mean? I know that there's a fine line between crazy and artistic and art and Artists and someone who was just crazy But it seems like if you just had a typewriter because he is so he's like these

Authors that reminded him of that I know we need a narrative I'm just saying if you just gave him the books for the description part We could come up with some crazy stuff when the supreme power brought the golden dishes back into the room As he was wearing the apron of fine linen. He was no longer the supreme power He was now what Joseph called the perfect waiter. Oh, what's so nice about being a waiter? sparkling blood, oh So we got specials today. We got some hairy deltas fresh from the living room

Mr. Callinger, I am not a waiter sir. I am actually an actor who happens to be waiting tables at the time Tell me all about it. I am a shoemaker primarily, but also I'm an assassin for Jesus Christ Okay, well, that's great. So I thought you were gonna say he thought she was Julia Childs, but So after bringing out dish after dish of cooked human remains the perfect waiter finally brought out a sterling silver platter On this surface He had arranged the four heads of the women to point north south east and west and each one had an apple shoved into its mouth and In the middle of the four heads looking towards the ceiling was who else but good old Charlie

We just looked at Joseph and gave him a wink wink. This is a it's just It's like it's like a child's show from hell Yeah Then at that moment a man whom Joseph assumed was the homeowner's husband walked into the vision The man was stripped and blindfolded before he could see the meal before him and the perfect waiter sat him down in a chair and Tied him by the chest leaving his arms free for movement. He sat and he ate Blindfolded happy as a clam Snack in his lips loving the whole thing like this is this is good

It's like when that person at the human brains in Hannibal. Yeah Hannibal when they did it like this is really it was a Raleigh, oh that was Raleigh. Oh didn't he wasn't he eating his own brain like this is quite tasty. Yeah, brain is tasty Isolate the audio Isolate the audio once again on Henry Zabrowski Then when the man was dumb the perfect waiter removed the blindfold and the man screamed in horror at the site of his wife's head Then he fainted first person actin normal Absolutely actually if you enjoy the story I would recommend the story must be told here on last podcast network because this sounds a lot like the types of stories that they write

This is when you wanted to put on business owner hat And you think that's gonna drive Listener ship to them. This is one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard and you're like now is the time No, it is a great show the story must be told right here on LPA network Well after that the perfect waiter morphed back into the supreme power and cut off the men's testicles penis and head Then rearranged the table setting where the heads of husband and wife sat neatly together and as a final touch The supreme power placed the testicles in the husband's mouth. Okay, there's something missing here. What's been I know? God, I put the ornaments on the tree

Because you know what a part of it is it's very much like There's a music video. I think Radiohead where they do like a there was like a cartoon You're talking about the paranoid Android video I think so but the way of the kind of music video style of him cutting the heads off where you know It's like it's very perfunctory like it's very like slice slice slice the parts fall Unemotional matter of fact. Yes, right, right, okay Interesting. Well, let me just take this time to plug wizard and the bruiser If you love gutted women you will love Holden McNeely's voice

Testicles in mouths the Holden McNeely story So after seeing all this Joseph was perfectly satisfied that God's will had been done Joseph Callinger actually believed that what he had just seen had actually Happened and that he'd kicked off his world massacre with five brutal murders So Joseph called out to Mike motion for him to come downstairs and said let's go and then once again They just left. Yep. What so these people real people are alive upstairs. There's still there are four people tied up With wire hangers up in the bedroom one of them is has her entire face covered in a piece of tape There's lighter fluid leaking into her eyes and Joseph Callinger just says, okay, let's go. Yeah, we're done here

God and the break-ins and assaults continued after that and only increased in brutality About two weeks before Christmas Joseph and Mike broke into a home at 3 p.m. In a suburb of Baltimore called homeland and Joseph orally raped a woman about a month after that They did it again at 9 a.m. In Dumont, New Jersey On both occasions the supreme power had appeared showing Joseph what to do But just before the moment of murder the vision went away and the urge to kill left with it Hmm, but on January 8th 1975 in the New Jersey town of Leonia

Joseph wouldn't need the double at all to commit his third and final murder Again Joseph used Mike is bait the 12 year old boy knocked on the door and when the owner Opened Joseph pushed his way through and the terrified woman immediately told him that her invalid grandmother was upstairs in bed Not really Karen Joseph made the woman strip Once she was undressed Joseph began to walk up the stairs to kill the grandmother with the hunting knife He brought with them, but at that moment The doorbell rang it was the woman's sister and her son Once again Joseph and Mike have burst their way into a social function, but also the way he put it is that he

Treated them with respect and he was just like oh, I don't want to be doing this I I hate to be doing this as is my job I'm gonna need to be doing it because it seems like you're doing it and I'd prefer if you didn't do it I hate the fact that I'm doing this and then he would go and be very like it was but he felt that he was being nice He just felt like they just didn't understand that he was a part of a On a massive quest. Oh, Jesus. Yeah The woman's father had just suffered a heart attack and on that day family members and friends were coming by for tea in her Time of need

Joseph actually liked this idea in his mind the more people that showed up the more he could kill all in one place Thereby getting him closer to his ultimate goal not really though Because it's still again three billion people you would have to do this too But even then it's still it's like okay. Well, I can kill one person today, or I can kill five people today He likened it to to the Nazis. He was like, okay. Well. Yeah, it was like the Holocaust We get all these people all in one place and we kill them all all at once like that was now that that was efficiency That's what he said straight up. No, I'm sure like it's like the organization and the paperwork was move on Absolutely fabulous with the Germans. Yeah, is not surprising that he would sympathize with the Nazis efficiency for murdering people

Yeah, and that's but that's all he sympathized with it was just the act. It was the process of it Now you're just fully Tony Cliff Of course was the the Andy Kaufman character for you young folks out there who don't know it's a great character great movie Man on the moon So Joseph brought the sister and her son inside and had them strip as well not too long after that the doorbell rang again Joseph opened the door and pointed his gun in the face of two women and a man and ordered them all inside Joseph was in the process of stripping them as well when the doorbell rang again

And that the door was mr. Plum coming to join the party Ringing the bell this time was a young woman named Maria fashion. She had taken the day off from her job as a nurse to come by And see how her friend was doing but Joseph figured he changed tack on this one instead of opening the door holding the gun Joseph greeted her with a friendly hello and welcome Marie inside Just just one question who the fuck are you why are you in this goddamn house? I've never seen you before I'm the perfect waiter Well, she just assumed that he was a family friend and She assumed he was a family friend that she didn't know and she returned the friendly greeting He was like hello. She was like hi. How are you?

But when she walked inside she saw all of these people stripped Tied up on the floor. Oh, I remember it. She was take no shit kind of girl So instead of being scared upon seeing all of her friends tied up on the floor She got pissed and tried on tying everyone She only stopped when the 12 year old Mike pointed a handgun in her face Because Mike this whole time in all of these break-ins was in charge of the gun because he believed because Joseph said he had the bigger penis Because I was much much bigger

They could he could he was allowed to handle the gun so all of this time It's Joseph like literally being like the one he wants the one he wants to Mike and Mike's his little kid being like Put your hands behind your back like because a little boy with a fucking loaded handgun in your mouth A four foot 11 12 year old is pointing a handgun at you It is the closest thing to ever having a real life attack by Chucky Yeah, it really is. You just want to kick it every time you see that movie you're like just kick it But then you realize it's a demon from hell. Yeah, it's really hard. Kids are dangerous. That's what I think from this Absolutely, they are but just as Joseph was getting Maria down to the ground

He had another vision He saw a hunting knife just like the one he was carrying floating in the air and there was something small Stuck to the end of it. Oh, what's that cute little thing? Oh, what's not funny? Is that some kind of lemurs that are some kind of gecko? I don't think this is gonna be good. He soon realized that the tiny thing was his own penis That's what I'm having. Oh, there it is my schmuckle. Oh, I missed you. Come kisses Kisses kisses and that's when charlie came He told joseph that he had no choice but to cut off a penis that day gotta do it today There's gonna be a penis cut off. Yeah a penis not not his own necessarily not his own

And at that moment joseph began another full-blown immersive hallucination This time joseph saw a long line of portraits and in each portrait was a person from joseph's past And they were all making fun of his tiny penis every comedian has the same hall of legends Inside of their mind Those faces exist for every performer reminding you of tiny penis and you got to get out there And you got to make them laugh or your penis will fall off right He should have just gone to the stage his wife betty was there joey was there his ex-wife hilda His daughter mary joe even his adopted parents came back to make fun of his little dick

And the tin man came Every single one of them. Oh, it was like a family reunion, but I wish it was just centered around maybe how good of a shoemaker I am That would be nice. It sounds like a VR game that should never be made Well supposedly the vision of his mother said quote Small small small it will never get hot Always soft because the demon was cut out You will always be a good boy and a good man

Never get into trouble. Oh man. That's All right, okay. Mama tried. Why was I going? I gotta tell you what but all that penis You could take the demon out of the penis, but you can't take the penis out of the demon Are you are you uh putting mama tried on joseph calendar? I was gonna say we were just in Nashville. I think the country version of this story Then the portraits vanished along with the floating penis on the knife and only charlie was left joseph asked quote cut off my own cock And charlie said

Charlie I understand that you have a lot going on, but could you be nicer to me? I don't got time for bits right there. We've got cops Cut off the guys I don't want to bring the audience out of this whatsoever because it's amazing But we are in a hotel room and I'm sure there's a family next to us. That is um calling security as we speak So this is fun. That's what's fun about recording on the road the opportunity for officers to come and knock on the door And make sure everyone's okay. Is it they're going to call the cops, but they're going to call casting services and say There is an incredible voice actor in room whatever room we're in

So joseph complied he took the guy down to the boiler room of the house Because as he told florish robber joseph calendar had always been an underground man. Yeah, I hate a penthouse I hate windows No, I think it's because you like to dig and you like to then dump in the dig and then you ejaculate in the dig You know why I completely forgot the shit in my whole today Yeah, you know you did forget. That's the problem. That's why that's why my whole day has been off I didn't come properly once on top of my shit because there's so much fun to see because you know what's like You never had chocolate mousse with a nice like swirl of whipped cream at the top of it

I make it out of my own body Well, maybe go do that and then you wouldn't have to commit this act of murder No, yeah, because when I'm in that hole every day is Friday Well once they were down in the boiler room joseph tied the man to a water pipe Bound his wrists and ankles with wire and pulled down his pants He then poked the guy in the testicles with his hunting knife But stopped when he was struck with an idea. This is ludicrous What i'm doing right now is ludicrous. I would agree. Yes. I agree with that. He wasn't going to do this himself

Like he had with his sons joseph was going to delegate this mutilation So joseph went back upstairs and randomly chose maria for the job He said the choice was as impersonal as hailing a taxi He said any one of the three women were going to take him where he wanted to go So it didn't really matter which one he chose So he picked up maria and let her downstairs She shuffled behind him because her ankles were still bound together And she had no idea where she was going because she was blindfolded

Finally once they got to the basement joseph told her what he wanted her to do Either chew off this guy's penis Or die repeat that This is literally what he asked her either chew off this guy's penis Or die, but he's got a hunting knife. Why can't Just because that's what god wanted. God is really making some bad choices. He's being weird today I think so But to this she said kill me. I don't care if I live

So joseph did just that Without even thinking joseph plunged the hunting knife into the right side of her neck Pulled it out and did it again and again And the whole time charlie was screaming in joseph's ear to do it more do it more So joseph kept stabbing in the chest and in the back, but maria didn't fall. She kept standing Then joseph heard mike yelling from upstairs One of their hostages had escaped and was now running out the door screaming for help Joseph and mike had to go but before they left joseph looked back into the boiler room one more time to see maria

Still standing in her own blood He said she was turning from right to left and it looked like she was dancing that description Chills me like I gotta I literally had a chill run up my spine. Yeah, it's just Whoa, it's disgusting So they ran and as they ran they threw away the gun and the knife just a block from the home They stopped at a baseball field and knelt down to a puddle of water where joseph took off his coat his jacket His tie and his shirt He tried washing out the blood stains, but they weren't coming out

So they kept running taking the clothes with them until they came to a green shed There joseph took his bloody green shirt and tie and threw it inside out of sight out of mind I guess so my god After that, they hopped on a bus to new york city Yeah Got off at pin station and had a slice of pizza. Hey, you know, you're tired. It's been a long day Yeah, new york city where dreams are made of that is usually when people do this They dress up to go to new york city, but I guess you kind of dress down. Yeah, it's really bizarre to me

And I don't know why I keep on thinking about this that he would dress up for this bizarre ritual Ceremony that he would do be like going to work. Yeah, and then when he's being a shoemaker He's like looking like I don't have a job. Yeah, but technically you're at work when you're making shoes Every single time he went out for all these he was dressed in a full suit and tie reminds me of the german fella Yeah, it is I think it's on purpose curtain. It is elevating it to a ritual all of this is very ritualistic. No, well finally Joseph and mike made it back home to kinsington and assumed they'd gotten away with the whole thing Whoa, yeah, that was close. I can't believe we almost got caught that was crazy And I got to tell you what all we got to do is two billion nine hundred and ninety nine million

nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety eight more times Jeez, but now we have multiple witnesses who have seen this and how Often do you see a father son duo break into multiple homes? I'm surprised this crime spree has been able to go on for this long Well, they remember. I mean, this is not just happening in like a two mile radius around their house This is happening in new jersey. This is happening in philadelphia. This is happening in maryland Like this is like three states and they're taking buses every single day time they do this They're taking buses hours away from their own home right right

So it was like a little it was a mini tour for them Yeah, and they might have gotten away with it or at the very least might have kept killing until they got caught It's not for one thing sewn into the label of the shirt joseph left behind was the name calendar so dumb So ridiculous. They are just I mean, you know what? I'm gonna even take that back because it's not fucking dumb He's just sick as shit. Yeah, and he had nowhere with all these were not like yeah These were pre they were premeditated But also this is why we said in the first episode this is like if richard chase had a job once he was activated

Into these crimes. He obviously was not thinking clearly. Yeah, um, so it wasn't that he was getting a It wasn't like a denis raider Where everything was about to control Particularly yeah, and everything was a choice that he made himself like a denis raider Everything was a choice that he made every single fucking thing that he did He's living in this really bizarre version of the movie dutch Uh, just hanging with this frickin kid. Are they having fun? Yeah, the kid literally like we're going to new york city. I'm gonna have a slice of pie

No, I don't know like I really go back and forth on whether or not this kid was actually having fun Well, or whether he was just fucking terrified the entire time And was just going along because he was afraid that his father was going to murder him if he didn't One detail that shows me that he at least was raised not to enjoy it But to be was that he kept asking if he could sexually assault all the women, but that's also according to joseph Yeah, you know like that's the thing is that this is all according to joseph This is according to what joe says. I think michael was at the very least like compliant But I

I have a hard time. I have a hard time saying that he's complicit because he's 12 years old. Well, yes He was in danger. Yeah the entire time. Yeah, absolutely. All right Well, the two of these guys that have been seen running by a woman named eva rummy Who is out walking her dog? She had seen these guys running away from the scene and eventually the shirt was found 9 days later the cops showed up on calender's front porch on january 17th 1975 Betty was watching the rockford files while joseph and mike were looking through their stolen coin collection When they heard a knock at the door

See by this time the cops had put together a picture the shirt was damning evidence, of course But joseph had also left a fingerprint behind at the luncheon in susquehanna township And the mo and the description of a man with a young boy had been linked to other cases in the area word was starting to get around So on january 17th 19 cops from three different states burst into the calender home armed with shotguns And arrested one of the most bizarre and dangerous monsters philadelphia has ever seen Oh, thank goodness that they ended that story and they really did the full fucking roll out Yeah, because that's how you know when you get the cops really mad when they just show up being like

We're going to put you in the fucking anklets. We're going to throw you in the back of this car We are going to get you get you. I mean honestly though by today's standards. That would have been a tank Yeah, a helicopter maybe locked down of the whole neighborhood semi-automatics for sure As far as what happened to michael, uh, he was put in a foster care and moved in with a relative of betties Got put on probation until he was 21 and after that He moved out of pennsylvania changed his name and faded into obscurity and probably still alive living somewhere in america I mean, this was not that long ago No, no, he was young that uh, I mean, I hope he came back because I know floris striber tried getting a hold of him

Uh, and the foster parents that uh that michael had uh told her to fuck off. Oh, I bet they were like fuck off He does not we do not want to talk about this. He does not want to talk about this. We want to put this behind us forever Yeah, I don't think we'll be getting him anytime soon and I think he should just move on and I hope he's put it all behind him Now it's probably not much of a surprise the joseph calinger tried the insanity defense But in both of his trials one in pennsylvania and one in new jersey the jurors deliberated for just a little over an hour Before handing down a guilty verdict. Yeah, and this is understandable during calinger's trial He was a little shall we say over the top with his actions He started moving like a snake again. He'd moan and groan

He chirped like a bird and he started doing that crystal raw chant. Look at me. Look at me. This is my time It is funny because I think that does prove that he's great I get why the jurors were like that's totally fake Yeah, but it is funny that he's like, how do I act crazy and it's like, you know what the one rule of improv Be yourself be yourself. Obviously, you don't even got us. You don't even have to act I just want them to see I want them to know how crazy I am You know, you know client calinger just you you are the crazy you are it dude. You may not You may not want to do that. You can be crazy. I promise you willing. Yeah

Why do you think charlie? As far as the jurors were concerned calinger was full of shit But honestly calinger probably should have been found not guilty by reason of insanity This of course isn't so he can be treated and let back out into the streets That's one of the fallacies of not guilty by reason of insanity. No matter what joseph calinger was never gonna be a free man ever again Just like edgine was never gonna be a free man ever again But since edgine was found not guilty by reason of insanity. He went to a hospital Yeah, and at least he had doctors looking at him

He didn't have to be mixing with all these other for all of the worst criminals of the world Well, it's not even about mixing edgine with the worst criminals of the world Or about mixing joseph calinger with the most dangerous criminals in the world It's exposing a dangerous and unstable individual like joseph calinger to other humans. Yeah, right He needed to be an iso Edgine would have not have been a danger to other people, but he's definitely like We should keep tabs on this guy. Keep tabs on this guy But yeah, but you're putting joseph calinger in a gen pop with a guy who might be in for

Tax evasion. Yeah, like a non-violent drug offense or something like that those fuckers. I like to see them get a taste of it It'd be nice for those like white collar criminal guys to show up They have a tv in their room and all of a sudden next door. They are hurry everybody. Hey pop on my arm You got a penis still Pretty soon after receiving the mandatory life sentence joseph The violence began almost immediately. He started setting fires in prison. He assaulted another inmate And eventually he was sent to a hospital for the criminally insane, but it was far too late for that It was after he'd been in prison for years. Send him to arkham

Yeah, actually, let's let joseph himself Tell the story in this clip from an interview that joseph calinger did with heraldos of all people This is the is a man who is just he is able to find the worst people on earth He is just get the interview but this this clip is the only clip I could find of calinger talking or any kind of interview with him and if you could just see his fucking face he is uh Out of his I mean he is Medicated as heavily as a person can be medicated because you can hear the way he smet his mouth is dry

A lot of schizophrenic schizophrenia medication like causes dry mouth Uh, but his eyes are just barely open. Okay. He's medicated to the top of his fucking head These voices from god these hallucinations. Do you still experience them? Yes, I do Often often Do you ever feel violent? Yes, I do. What do you feel like doing? Killing people you still feel like killing people. Yes Describe the feeling that you get when you feel like killing people well last march 11th I was hallucinating and I took a razor blade and I cut a man's throat

Here in the hospital here in the hospital. Do you think it murdered me joe? Yes That's gruesome joe That's horrible Yes, it is and you don't blame me if I say I hope you never get out of this place I hope I never do either Well, heraldos shouldn't have made it about him. That's actually Yeah, but that's okay. I really hate when interviewers are like I'm also one of the stars It's like no you have to be the interviewer. Yeah, but oak fascinating. So he

Even heavily medicated. He was still like, I mean you there's no cure in this dude. No, no, I mean he was he was gone I mean way way way too far like it's just it just has to be you put this person in a box forever And that's the thing is that the violent streak just continued throughout his time at the hospital And he eventually landed in solitary in 1991 and that's where he died in 1996 Once again alone in a hole of his own making. All right, joseph calinger Well guys that story was in in it was intense. Yeah, but quite fascinating and of course not very well known So, uh, yeah, well, thank you all so much for listening. Um, if you do have any mental health issues Yes, please seek help. Yes, all of us have experienced our own version of treatment

Um, you know, whatever it might be because you know, this everyone was suffering in this story Oh, yeah, of course the sympathy is very you'd have to take responsibility for your actions But my god, get get frickin help. No, that's all that's always say about mental health. It is not your fault But it is your responsibility. I'm bipolar myself and I have been getting treatment for For 13 14 years now, but it's nice to have you as a friend because it's like I have three friends I am fabulously unwell What henry is going to be today? Oh, it's the mean polish henry Uh, he uh, he could have used some help he could yeah

I mean he could have used some help when he was a child You know, he could have used from the time that he was 15 and started laughing uncontrollably and writhing like a snake That was the time to get help or when you know, he uh was when he blacked out and ended up in hazelton, pennsylvania Any single time any moment in his entire life somebody could help somebody somebody could help but you know It was also a different time. You know, it was it was the 50s and 60s You know when people just kind of put them in and put them out There was also not a lot of treatment available, but we're you know, we're almost in 2020 we're 2019 now So there's a lot of options out there available for people who need need help

So if you're experiencing these sorts of uh delusions these sorts of things like definitely get help as soon as you can Well, contact a real therapist. Don't just email side stories Please do not please do not just email. No, we're not mental health professionals in any way shape or four Like this is the only thing we know how to do contact actual mental health Laughing he was laughing and writhing as a kid Of course he did black out and end up in hazelton, new jersey with any luck He would have turned out to be axleros, but it just did not happen Um

You know what we like the writing but your voice is horrible for g and r Again, it's just a little bit too not perfect. It's absolutely amazing Oh, my little pancake take me down do the paradise Yeah, we're trying to get laid here not scare all the women. So, um, all right Well, thank you all so much for listening and thanks everyone who came out to our live shows We're excited to see you in Pittsburgh tomorrow. Yeah, uh Cincinnati was beautiful didn't get a chance to have the chili, but we'll be back there and then we'll have it then I don't want I'm gonna just straight up say I don't want the chili. I don't want it. I have no desire

I know, but we have to have a bit of the culture We just couldn't get out of the show early enough If someone showed up with the chili and said have have have this chili I would eat some of the chili. Yes. I'm not going to refuse chili. Get a demon curse put on But never ever show up to an event with a bowl of chili That's what you're doing here. I've given you a gift of one of the most of one of the things that's most easy to have My my fecal matter in no, I did it. I did take in some of the culture I went out to hail dark aesthetics in Cincinnati as a great old record and oddity store. Hey

We drank at the weirdest bar in Cincinnati called old O'Malley's in the alley, which I don't know if I can even recommend No, I'm not going to recommend it necessarily But I will say we took an uber and it was only two blocks a walk from our Apartment or from our hotel. But when we stepped outside, it seemed very dangerous. I was very high in here I was very high and very paranoid. Yes. We did get we did do that and then it got intense. Yeah Um, all right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening. Do we have we want to do a plug? I want to say this one thing about Jason signs. Yeah, he's a great comedian. He's a good friend of ours He had a tragic accident and it was a january mid january of last year. I actually it was closer

It was like december he is paralyzed from the december. That's right. It looks like he's paralyzed from the chest down He is the middle of starting physical therapy But it took months for him to even get to the to be able to be well enough to start physical therapy So he's in really dire straits There's been a gulf on me that's been started and they raised 150 000 for him Which is not even fucking scraping the barrel, which is where we're at now, which is awful But what we have the fact that by the way the fact that comedians have to be like let's put our health insurance caps on And see if we can't raise some money is really difficult

But we are having a very special series of events It is multiple shows in multiple cities on the same night monday april first april fools day in los angeles It's at the region theater at 448 south main street tickets are at signs benefit la.com That's for the la show hosted by me ed larson and jackie's browski You're gonna come out honestly this show's gonna be fucking hilarious. It's gonna be a great show It's gonna be a lot of fun honoring a great guy nyc I will be there with the one and only the recently married holden mcnealy

um And again, that'll be april first april fools day our lean's grocery, which is 95 Stanton street in the lower east side. So come hang out with us It'll be for a good cause and hopefully we can help out jason as much as we possibly can Yeah, and it's not like i'm gonna be what I like about this show is that it's genuinely It's got an la we have some of the best comedians in the world that are going to be there just years at moda germaine fowler rory scolville jeff ross uh adam conover if you like uh his show uh adam ruins everything

Jared logan who's a friend of our of the of the show cara clank nick vaderot It's gonna be a really funny night. Yeah, actually, I will say that show has some of my favorite comedians ever Like those those that is a fucking murderous row right there. New york is god fucking um who I love Sean patin who I've been seen forever. Oh, yeah, chris gether. It's gonna be there Uh, there's gonna be a lot of great great performers. Danny sainter main ramy usef Yeah, and uh jason signs. I mean, he's part of the lpn family longtime listeners of the network We'll know that we used to do unlimited lives back in the day. That's right and jason signs was a co-host of that show for a long time Uh, so yeah come on out and uh support one of our own

Absolutely. Um, and if you're going through anything we we had a lot of people talking about the death of kb Thank you so much for being so sweet and honoring him with t-shirts Let's say bird luger forever and those kinds of things and if you've lost a loved one, you know, it's really really hard and Uh, so anyway, we're here for you. Yeah, and so again. Yeah, thank you guys for your support honestly for everything Thank you for your mental support. Thank you for giving to the patreon. Thank you for coming to the shows It means so god damn much to us. Absolutely. And do we can we say berlin out loud and we can say berlin and stock I mean, they're on sale, man. Awesome. We come out. I can't wait to go to fucking shit town berlin, man I want to see some poo poo porn, man

Wait, I want to see some live you want to see some poo poo porn in berlin If you're going to see it anywhere, it's like if you go to coaster, we could get the coffee Right, if you go to use what you want to do, you know what I mean? Great. Yes Yeah, and we have announced all of uh, the tour dates for the back in the habit world tour There's a lot of them. We have uh, may 17th, Kansas City may 18th, Denver may 19th, Salt Lake City May 30th, Vancouver may 31st, Seattle June 1st, Portland Yep, January, July 18th, Oakland, July 20th, San Diego, July 21st, Los Angeles, September 4th, Dublin, September 6th, Bristol

The 7th, we got Edinburgh, the 10th, we got Manchester, the 11th, it's Birmingham, the 13th, it's London Uh, I think we're going to try to add another show to London. Yep, we're we're working on it right now Uh, and then the 16th, it's a Stockholm and then we're going to end it all Uh, with September 18th in Berlin Cannot wait, also July 21st in LA, that's my birthday And I'm celebrating this year so you can come and bring me happy birthday things I don't know how to celebrate birthdays. You don't know. You really don't know how to celebrate a birthday. It's taking you a while Gifts. Yes, you feel free. I've never solid but feel free to say happy birthday to me

That's actually a big leap for you. That is good. I talked to my friend Sina about it You've broken up with women over celebrating your birthday I just don't like to celebrate my birthday because I feel like again birthdays are for the dying funeral for the living Um, but I have decided we don't have many left. Yeah, I don't know why I'm saying you only have four left I thought I might have four left. So, um, all right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan Again. Magus de lesions. Help me if you will please This show is made possible by listeners like you

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