Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 361: The Devils of Loudun Part II - And That's a Promise

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

On the conclusion to our series on the Devils of Loudun, we get into the witch trial of Urbain Grandier and the horrific torture that he endured in the lead up to his execution.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left So Natalie wanted to see the devils Right because we're gonna sit there. I was just like you got to see this this thing's wild And we as we started it. She was like I wonder why it was banned She was like Ken Russell's not a toucher, right? And I was like, I don't think he's a toucher I don't think he did any grip it. I don't think so. No, the devils the movie that is of course Yes, it's uh, it's the movie based off the book the devils of Lodon. Yeah, but I don't think Ken Russell was doing any Children I mean it was the 70s, so I'm not gonna like I have no idea what happened in 1970s

But there's a scene where a show so we're watching it all of a sudden it cuts to this fantasy scene We're Oliver Reed as Jesus Christ and he's fucking nailed to the cross and it's making it's a And weird like sex noises like fighting against the nails and he's visibly hammered throughout this whole movie Of course He pulls himself off the nails and then the main nun comes up to him She starts start fucking hard making out like you know when you see people's teeth hit Oh, it's just like slap each other and see and he's full Jesus regalia and I'm just like whoa She starts going fucking south right and we're both like oh my god

She's just about to fucking start blowing Jesus Christ, right? But then she sticks her tongue in his side wound and just Fucking doing kind of linging on it. I was like happy Easter to our family Absolutely. Well, that's not healthy at all And of course if you do watch that movie Oliver Reed looks exactly like Jack Black from Nacho Libre Which is quite bizarre. I don't know why they did that But hey everyone welcome to the last podcast on the left. I am Ben Kissel staring at the beautiful teeth and face Of Marcus Parks. Thank you, Ben

And we have the recently honeymoon Henry Zabrowski and beautiful sunny Los Angeles Yeah, yeah, well, I have no idea how powerful this movie the Devils is But it is Bonerific that's the only way I could really describe it bonerific in a way that is so deeply satanic That it's just such a celebration of nuns bush hair No, I sounds like it and rotten tomatoes gave it 75% not bad nothing but trouble

And this is rocking 75% well, it's because nothing but trouble only has little devil which And the Devils has the big devil and there's one scene where there's fucking there's a nun straddling a candle Jerking it off right like she's like trying to make it come but and then this is in real life These are actors too because this is in the 70s. So these are real people doing it She's licking the flame of the candle as she goes and almost like I want to go to a party with this woman Well, it sounds like a fire hazard. It sounds like a great white concert It's about to go down and everyone's gonna die in a bar that's burning Roger Ebert just quickly here

He made a review. He wrote a review about this movie and this is a quote from Roger Ebert's review review He says I don't know about anyone else But frankly I left the cinema theater feeling like a new a different and yes a better person He goes on to say the poisons of our political system had been drained from me Yes, Henry had an erection evidently Roger Ebert like had a spiritual experience where he just saw them grinding on Jesus Christ Who looked like an alcoholic and it was like now I understand capitalism He came his khakis watching it and I can also hear him right after he's been saying Oh, oh, yeah, absolutely draw drawing experience

Well, let's get on to part two of the Devils of Lou Don So when we last left urbane grandeur, is it grandeur grandeur? I think it's grandeur grandeur I'm gonna go with the liquor on this one grandeur So when we last left urbane the conspiratorial cabal of enemies made up of people He'd pissed off throughout his time as parish priest of Lou Don We're doing their damnedest to bring charges of witchcraft against the parson man He got so many of these creepizoid's fucking mad. They're all creepizoid's when you would look at all all of the different the color the Coterie of different type of French cross-eyed psychopath that he made upset. Yeah creepizoid's indeed

Yeah, I don't stand them Very good. Thank you. Wait a second. Are you a 16 year old girl with baby banks? I heard you You Sounds like when I accidentally see your car crash You can use it then But as Huxley points out it's important at this juncture to get a sense of exactly what the legal Statutes behind witchcraft in the early 17th century actually were at least in a broad European sense

Back then a witch was legally defined in England as quote a person who half Conference with the devil to consult with him or to do some act So you're a witch either if you kill a priest in the name of Satan or if you order a pizza in the name of Satan Interesting anything any any relationship at all a conference with the devil just a conference So even if you did like a Skype But before 1604 that person could only be executed for being a witch if they'd been using Witchcraft for the purposes of physically harming another person But after the witchcraft act of 1604

Anyone who invoked evil spirits or communed with familiar spirits such as imps demons or fairies were required to be Executed and much of Europe followed suit at least legally. I I also think it's I think it's interesting that the They had to come up with like the legal basis Yeah, I know for forgetting them that all of this bullshit all of this like going after essentially the coolest groovy is Smartest most modern people of the era and burning them to death like you still had to like find them guilty in a court of law Yeah, absolutely. There's a process here. Yeah, it's not just totally insane. It's not just people rationalizing They're completely batshit crazy ideas. It's legal This is a fun time for politics though the witchcraft the witchcraft act you disgust me. That is very fun

You know all of us politics of sports if this is where the shit came from But of course witch hunting was nothing new when our bang grande was accused in 1634 it had partly been kept alive by the publication of a book that had been written almost a hundred and fifty years before the Malleus Maleficarum aka the hammer of witches Fucking great fucking slog rock album title But it's not as metal because this was used to kill a lot of fucking Chicks with their tits out and guys that got a bunch of people mad because they were being too funny did people Did people know they were being so cool?

Like when it comes to like hammer of witches like did they know that could be a hot topic shirt in five hundred years? Like did they realize that they were the true Goths of our of our civilization? They I think that packaging was a part of it They understood that the message was being like it has to be scary the Malleus Maleficarum was a thick-ass book To like you could not only get a punishment for a witch out of it But you could also just fucking hit her in the uterus. Oh my goodness. Maybe it was covered in human skin It was not bound been human flesh Now as we've mentioned before the Malleus Maleficarum was a kind of guidebook for hunting prosecuting and executing witches

Although it was not an official church document It was still seen as credible by many partly because it was written by a Catholic clergyman Even though the church had quote-unquote Officially discredited it. Hmm. Yeah, like they officially discredits suckin little boys penises, but the habit keeps up Isn't that interesting but the the Pope kiss kisses people's feet. Yeah, so I'm do that Oh, yeah, I watch them lick between them. Yeah, toes is like Being like how old are you? 16

Wonderful. Oh my goodness Until the late 17th century Inquisitors and magistrates were still inspecting people for superfluous nipples or as they called them little teets That's what they called me in day in day camp when they pushed me down And took the towel off me made fun of my penis. Yeah little teets. That's kind of cute It's like land before time. Yeah, but if everyone if no one was a dinosaur and instead they were boobs Oh Well, the little Keats would be used by the witch to suckle his or her familiar

Usually like a cat or a toad And if the person were to be found with one of these little teets then bam You got a witch and that person could wind up dead on the stake. Oh Marcus all right. Yeah, you love Carolina. Oh, yeah, I mean you're eternally Sexually attracted to Carolina. Oh, yeah, we're bound But I know you don't like frogs hate him But if she did have a couple of little teets and frogs were hanging off of her sides Would you still make love to her at that moment? And they're all going

Marcus I've some here's summer decide milk Marcos. Would you have problems with that or well? In in the if the frogs were permanently attached to the teets then we'd find a way around it But I would I would politely ask to remove the frog. Well, they're talking frogs. It sounds like Yeah, that's fucking horrible nightmare. Thanks for that. Hold on here. Are these so are these little teets? These are separate than the actual teeth. Yeah, they're separate. Well, I mean They're superfluous nipples. Yeah, superfluous nipples. Yeah I think it's somewhere around 9% of the population has superfluous nipples Some people have like four or five just kind of all over their bodies. So back then you were charged with witchcraft and in modern time

You just get to go on the Howard Stern show. Oh, yeah, I remember was there a guy called like puppy man But the teets and all that that's just the wacky pregame stuff the real injustices came in the trials Part of the Malleus Maleficarum states that the testimony of any witness whatsoever Could be admitted as evidence no matter how outlandish or ridiculous That meant that gossip hearsay and dreams could be taken as fact in a court of law Do you think that this was true? Because the the idea of accusing somebody as a witch She was calling him a witch is is so intense in the first place that being like if we've already started this witch proceedings

Everything's fair game because it's so difficult to get the ball rolling. Well, I think it's that they're talking about something that is Inherently supernatural. So if you're talking about something that's super natural that it only follows that the evidence that would be put forth Would also be supernatural. Yeah, they didn't have a lot of open mics back then I can see 13 year old boys just wanting to be funny looking for a crowd And they're like the best way to get this crowd this courtroom is stacked with people I got a great witch bit that I want to run see if it's a good five minutes And maybe I can get this woman killed as well, you know that far off It'd be like if Casper was trying to accuse slender man of molesting him

All the evidence would be disgusting. Yeah, it would also be fake. I forgot that edited cartoon Cartoon where he has sex with slender man Casper, do you want to come down to my house and watch the football game? Well, I don't know slender man. My dad says you're bad to hang around with. No way You can meet one of my proxies. I certainly don't fuck them Be careful Casper. Be careful But the part that was specifically important to the case of Urbain Grandier Was the decree that a witness could even be a demon

Speaking through the person that the demon possessed in effect one could have the devil himself Testifying by proxy in one's trial. Now, do they swear on the Bible or do they have some sort of satanic book? How do you swear in the devil now? This creates quite the paradox considering how Christian doctrine named Satan as the father of lies But this concept was central to the prosecution of Grandier in this case Every morsel that came from the mouths of nuns during exorcisms was twisted and interpreted to always name Grandier as the one who Would put these poor nuns through the demonic paces But the thing was most of the clergy and most people of the court while they did believe in witchcraft

Did not necessarily believe in witch hunting and lawyers Especially hated witchcraft cases because they were hard to stick You couldn't convict all the time and at the time that also the Catholic church It was starting to look like not good for them to be burning people So they were trying they were trying to shift into a new nicer softer side of the Catholic church at this time period But you know it got a bad look the screaming women crying as they brought alive in the town square all of a sudden They were like maybe this we need to change the channel Yeah, we need to switch up the programming a little bit. Maybe get an American Ninja warrior or something

But if you're a prosecutor, you know, they always want to have someone on the stand That is reliable. I mean the devil. I mean come on. I would rather have Michael Cohen On my prosecution squad than having the devil that is you're talking about the Christian slant version of the devil Where he is the prince of lies or actually he's the only one who could tell the truth But unfortunately the devil a lot of times if you call him upon a witness on a crime or in the middle of a trial It will be just be me in a devil Halloween costume going three of the things I say will be lies. One of the things I say will be true. But all of them are jokes. Whoa! See most educated people at the time when it came to Grand Gae didn't believe that he was the commander of a legion of demons That was out to abuse the good sisters of Lou Donne just because he got a kick out of it

Hmm, but France was an absolute monarchy and King Louis the 13th and the Queen were very much believers in burning the witch Oh, yeah And as far as the upper echelons of the clergy went they were split the bishop of Bordeaux the one who liked to fuck just as much as Grand Gae he was on the side of innocence while the bishop of Poitiers who was of a decidedly more conservative bent thought Grand Gae was a sorcerer. Oh, Bordeaux was coming inside of people having sex with them But Poitiers he was coming watching people burn like I think they get the same shit Yeah, these these puritanical people they seem to have much more of a bloodlust. They have a lot more of a bloodlust Okay, because they're not fucking. Yeah, I guess not. The Bishop of Poitiers was actually a believer in what Huxley called the Sorcerer's Mafia

Where in every class of society in every town and village held hidden witches and wizards who were all working together for Satan's cause Hey, I don't welcome to the meeting of the Sorcerer's Mafia, you all know me Tommy Iannute, Iacoco This is my friend Johnny Kruster Alligator, uh, Grand Genie Yeah, this is a hacky bit, but I'll tell you what, it's the bit we're forced to live in I like it. I can see the Sorcerer Mafia going against the real Mafia. Who would win? Who knows? That's tough to say I think the Sorcerers would win. Could be. I mean if anything that they do is actually real guns are real Yeah guns. And we know the Mafia has those. Mafia guys sit around in clubs, eat pastries and like stare at trucks You know what I mean? That's a lot of normal Mafia guys do. I think the Sorcerer Mafia's, I mean I guess they do the same thing but they do it in like bigger hats

Yeah, that's true. I did also think that you know the whole of the Harry Potter problem could have been solved with a sniper rifle Absolutely, yeah. Oh yeah, bro! Geez, on either side. Of course! Yes, fucking wipe out Harry Potter! Harry Potter was the fucking problem! No, Harry Potter was- I was actually more thinking wipe out Voldemort, issue Voldemort with- Yeah, you're supposed to kill Voldemort. Doesn't he not have a nose? He has no nose. He has no nose. Yeah, you just send Harry Potter to train with a sniper rifle for a while and then he just fucking cuts him down from about 200 yards away That would be fucking sweet and it's like the scene from fucking JFK from Oliver Stone where it's just him just like sweating in the book depository You know like if they're spending six months in Cuba at wizard assassination school, that's fucking sweet Yeah, alright

But back in Ludom, some were beginning to push back on the idea that Grand G.A. was guilty The Chief Magistrate, Gioronde Cerese, had further investigated the case after the enema incident and found that the nuns were not in fact possessed but were only suffering from delusions made worse by the public exorcisms I have come to believe, as the Chief Magistrate, that some of the foreseeable liquids that they put inside the buttocks of some of these pure sweet nerds has in fact in some way made the problem worse I think it would They're dripping everywhere There's so much nun drip

Every all of them have kept it Intriguing, kind of a French Charles-ing there I like it I like it very much The enema, of course Powerful enema Give this man an enema I remember that

So the Chief Magistrate ordered exorcists Mignon and Barret to stop immediately But the Bishop of Portier stepped in and wrote a letter that the exorcisms must continue But as a compromise, the exorcisms would no longer be public, at least temporarily That's alright That's okay That's not to say, though, that Mignon calmed down at all He still spent his days reading his flock chapters from a report that had been written concerning the Father Galfredi case Trying to convince everyone that Grand G.A. was just as bad, if not worse

I mean, do you want these? If you're one of these nuns, a.k.a. witches, is being in public better? At least you get the stage time You get a little, you get a little pressed I mean, don't you have to be slightly more controlled when you're doing the exorcism, when there's eyes on you? Actually, I feel the opposite I think the eyeballs turned up the performance, because now you're locked in, right? You've already accused Grand G.A. of being grand wizard that is infecting you all with his sweet supple dream cock

And he's fucking you all in your dreams You've already said all this shit So now you're kind of like what we've seen in Colts and that kind of shit You've now kind of made a public promise That we are possessed We're gonna sit here, we're gonna eat each other's buses We're gonna roll around here and freak out and jerk off all these candles And the eyeballs kind of what keeps up your half of the argument

Because I imagine when you are just in a closed room Getting fucking fingers shoved down your throat Getting fucking whipped Getting covered in water All of the weird shit that they would do during those exorcisms It's hard to keep up the ruse Alright, there it is That's why everyone should always end every sentence with

And that's a promise That's good, never be caught in a lie that way Never, that's for certain No, eventually they actually started letting some of the lesser priests try their hands at exorcism Just to see what would happen But when Philippe Trincant's brother tried it out His Latin was so bad that people started laughing So he just stopped in the middle of the exorcism and left the room

I'll be, they taught it And? Marek of them, Marek of them, Smalakalm I'll chill, boo Hey, learn the language You're seriously just going to make fun of me for trying? I'll tell you what, anytime I'll come to your house And I'll make fun of you when you're trying something new

You think this is that easy? Boo I thought I was just, that will take my talents to South Beach Oh, have fun Sounds like when Michael Bloomberg, former mayor of New York City used to speak Spanish And it's very adorable He tried Como se dice

He tried, very cute Fly from your clay Fly from your clay Well, eventually things started to wind down in Lodon More officials came and declared it to be nothing more than mass hysteria And when a doctor known only as the Metropolitan showed up to inspect the scene The nuns acted meek as lambs Weird, just the Metropolitan?

What is he, an owner of a vape store? Cool, maybe he's like that dude from Transmat Oh, yeah What's the name of that guy again? Spider? Spider, what do you mean he's like, he's like a future journalist? I don't know I love that

Up until that point, I mean, they were seriously, they were going not so bananas, right? These guys were, they were really kind of squirming all over each other But then as the heat started coming off They said that they would straight up, they would get bored and sad Like as soon as they started hanging out being like, I guess we're not crazy lesbians anymore Yeah, what a phase It was like they all spent a year at Oberlin And then, you know, sophomore year they come out of the haze

Yeah, that's sad, that's unfortunate So they were just not, they weren't able to perform anymore No, and they were losing business too Because they were just under this extreme stress all the time They started having mental breakdowns in the middle of classes They started just laughing uncontrollably And they were having screaming foul mouthed fights with each other in the halls The nuns were not having fun

The nuns were having a terrible time Okay And so, because the nuns were so erratic, parents started pulling their kids from the school And pretty soon Oh yeah, oh yeah And pretty soon, the nuns were mentally frazzled and totally broke And even more miserable than they were when everyone first started showing up Can you imagine that if you showed, if you brought your kids to like a fancy private school

But then all the teachers started fucking each other publicly Yeah, I would have to, I don't know what I would, I guess you gotta take the kids out I don't think the nuns were fucking each other publicly You're just bringing the devils into it They never fucked each other publicly I don't know buddy The way it sounds like it, because Huxley does paint it a little bit more conservatively Because he said that what, but I think that there's a hint there

When he said at the very beginning, what went on was no different That was actually already going on in a lot of the writings at the time In terms of like what happened with the Marquis de Sade And what happened with that Confessions book where the woman was like shit in the bucket And the guy was like tasting it, shit, or something like that So I think they were, there was some of it, there was Rubbins There could have been Rubbins, but I don't think they were like going down in the hallways I don't know

Could have been Rubbins, I'm sure we do have some Henry Zabrowski fantasy going on here as well It's Easter It's Easter It's a holiday made of fantasy Well Grand J's enemies were at a loss as well Because their plan was threatening to fizzle out completely But that all changed when an agent of Cardinal Richelot Who also happened to be a relative of sister Jean de Angers

Named Jean de Le Bardement came visiting on government business Now as we said last episode, Cardinal Richelot was one of the most powerful people in France And he was certainly the most powerful clergyman in the country And Laubardement was the Cardinal's creature And judging and burning witches was kind of Laubardement's thing As he had judged and burned several dozens of witches by the time Urbain Grand J was accused Now what makes, obviously all of this is fantasy world, right? What makes you the most powerful of the bishops?

Do you just smell the most of wine? Like what, how does this work? He has the king's ear He has the king's ear, you know, in his pocket door, where is the ear? I mean, he's essentially second in command of France at this point Because church and state are so powerfully intertwined So he's more of a politician than a religious man? Very much so, more of a politician

All of these guys were, a lot of it, there were, there are obviously true believers in the mix But a lot of these guys are just whoever gets closest to the circle right around the king But that circle also changes quick Like if you watch The Favourite, all that kind of shit, which is true It's like they, legitimate, like if you don't do what he likes Or if he just decides that you're not gay enough to be fun, he kicks you out Kicks you out, The Favourite, great movie, The Favourite Wonderful movie, really liked it

Well Grand J's enemies just needed some extra oomph to make all this stick And it was Miminde Silly who came up with the scheme Come on, we take all of its hats and we put the brims on the other side And then we get some rubber chickens and we put them in his bed That is why we keep you around, Mr. Silly Look how big my couch is, I got roller skates on This is ridiculous, god he is fun Gallagher?

So Grand J's enemies, led by Miminde Silly, took a meeting with Labardement And told him that Grand J was not just a sorcerer who had rebelled against God And bewitched a convent of nuns, but had also written a violent and obscene Lampoon on Cardinal Richelot, six years earlier, under the title Letter from the Cobbler of Ludon Whoa, yeah dude, it was all about how the Cardinal used to fart in his pants And how he had like a big butt and he had a stupid head It was an onion article

Oh my god, that is something you could see on Clickhole Or back before all of those things happened, what Larry Flinton used to do with Jerry Falwell When he accused him of having sex with his mother in an outhouse And then Jerry Falwell pursued him Yeah, that's all it was And Grand J, he didn't write this lampoon But since he and the Lady Cobbler after whom the letter was named used to fuck It wasn't unreasonable to think that Grand J might have written it

And that was good enough for Labardement But I mean, it doesn't even compare We're talking one time here, they say he has possessed an entire convent full of nuns He's making them orgasm and bleed And then the other argument is he wrote a one pager That was kind of funny He wrote a humorous little script It used to be very dangerous to be funny

What? They did not like it When you made fun of the people in power, it got them very, very upset If you look at it, it's this weird aristocratic feel Like it's this thought process of no one can make me look stupid Yeah, they actually hanged a man who just printed a copy of letter from the Cobbler of Loudon Well, how did any of our relatives survive this? That's a nightmare

You just go like, you'd have to do like, hey, that cardinal's got a really big butt You have to learn how to throw your voice to the other room Or you become an official jester of the court Or have they become pro or not at all? But I think the jesters were more just made fun of Weren't they, they would throw tomatoes at the jester and stuff like that Yes, on and so forth You're talking about the proud lineage of the comedian

I know, I know So, La Bardemont reported what he'd heard to the cardinal upon his return to court And the cardinal brought up the entire sordid affair at the next meeting of the Council of State Bringing it directly to the attention of King Louis XIII And without much prompting, the king ordered La Bardemont to return to Loudon himself To investigate the possession in depth, examine the accusations, and if necessary, preside over the trial and pass sentence Whoa You do it

You do it, alright Oh, so it's a problem You do it I have to put on a play where I dress as a lady Ooh You know, we could also let women into the theatre We could let women on stage and perform, we ever think about that? Disgusting

Women are filled with eggs Ooh, what are they, chickens? My sisters are great I give me a man, give me a man, I like a man with his eggs or lizards Okay, my sister's very talented actress, she would love to Disgusting, look at the sacks hanging off of her front Well, there's her breast, but she's quite pretty actually Well, it was the cardinal who told La Bardemont that he better fucking make it necessary to preside over a trial and pass a sentence

Because the cardinal had a few different reasons for pushing this agenda Fixes in One, this was a good opportunity for the cardinal to prove just how amazingly Catholic he was capable of being As a proposed alliance with the Protestant Swedes was throwing that belief into question And what's more Catholic than burning a fucking witch? Other than that one big scandal thing One big scandal Apparently the most Catholic thing you do is to blow a boy and put the semen shows up in another priest's mouth

I don't, that is disgusting Okay But perhaps more importantly, if it could be proved without a doubt, at least in the hearts and minds of the people That the devil was indeed invading France via Lodon, then the cardinal could revive the Inquisition in France Giving himself almost unlimited power Now Urbain and Grandier's friends, cause he did still have a few friends left, just not any powerful ones They tried to warn him as to what was common They tried man, they were like get out of town

All you have to do is leave Yeah, why didn't you just dip out? But come on, just because France is beautiful No, he had his secret wife You have any idea how much money your wedding costs? I've just said two He had to throw his own little wedding You can't do all that, obviously it's private

But he couldn't leave his fake wife And I mean he had all these other widows he had to fill Just go, leave Well he was just stubborn, cause he's like I didn't do shit They're not gonna make me leave, they can't make me do anything They can't make me do anything I don't want to do Yikes And he still hadn't been officially charged with anything

I mean he was still a parish priest to Lou Don He didn't think he had anything to worry about Cause after all, he'd been dealing with this bullshit for almost a year straight And nothing had happened yet Right If you had looked up Oliver Reed drunk on late night shows You'd see how difficult it would have been to remove Grandier from a place Right

Where it's like Oliver Reed, he was 250 pounds of like thick stocky Englishmen But when you added about 10 pounds of booze inside of him He became an immovable object And you can see him swinging back and forth with those big beer arms I'm sure he did great on the Johnny Carson show though I miss I dare you to make me It's not in my motivation to leave this set

I Ah, let me see the script I miss drunk actors and drunk, used to late night Ed McMahon was literally hammered every single night And everybody knew it But he just sat there and giggled Haha But that's a perfect job

Ed McMahon figured it all out Pat St. Jack and Vanna, why he used to just go get hammered True I mean there was so much more fun back then Yep Well as soon as La Bardemont returned to Lou Don Grandier found out just how wrong he was Uh oh

La Bardemont immediately ordered Grandier's arrest And her bane was taken into custody while he was on his way to preach a sermon at his own church I dare you I dare you How do I ever show tonight And I will not be worth I will not be bodily removed I was having a delicious succulent Chinese meal

I will not be removed Haha Because John F. Kennedy having a Chinese meal, what's going on? Grandier's entire library was searched from top to bottom And while it was disappointing to find no concrete packs with the devil or magical grimoires They did find a copy of the letter from the cobbler of Lou Don Oh my, and they found OJ's glove as well This is planted evidence if I've ever heard of it

I found, it's just crack cocaine And it was enough to St. Grandier So after Grandier was arrested it was decided that there was no prison strong enough in Lou Don To house such a powerful sorcerer So Canon Mignon offered up the attic of his house for use as the magician's prison It's awesome It's like X-Men when they had to put magneto in the non-steel or whatever Plastic prison

The plastic prison Yeah Well they devil-proofed it as they called it By bricking up the windows and fitting the door with a new lock and heavy bolts Then they closed the chimney with an iron grating, lest Grandier make use of the old witch's trick And disappear up the flu This is what you guys had to do with me back in the day when you used to put me in free speech jail There's no free speech jail strong enough to hold

Free speech jail is still open for business and looking for clients, my friend We privatized it as a matter of fact I would not be removed I would rather suck in its Chinese meat So they believe the devil is this all powerful being But they also think a door lock will be able to stop him from entering If it's a good one If it's a good one, okay, master lock maybe

And once the cell was fully constructed Grandier was thrown inside with nothing more than a pile of hay on which to sleep And that would be his home for the last year of his life But how flattering is that What do you mean? But they think you're so powerful that you gotta put all of this shit in your own house Huh, wow They really believe in me

I guess so I would also just be like, guys, guys, not that powerful I'm actually not that strong Listen, listen, I have other material I have other material, not just the stuff about the cauldron What about um, airplane food Have you heard of this thing? Alright, first of all, it's giant birds you can go inside

No, listen, listen And the food, it's just hard to describe, into the bathrooms are small A bathroom is a thing that people in the future can go privately and go to the bath I don't know how Burn him, burn him Honestly, we were on Delta Not bad food Yeah, not bad

Yeah You've been on these new planes or they got windows in the bathroom yet? No It's fantastic You feel like you're pissing off the edge of the world I don't know if I need it Yeah, I'm not sure if I need to be looking at birds staring at me while I take a disgusting dump on an airplane It's just the fucking creature from that there's something on the wing from Twilight Zone when you see it out there

He's watching you piss and he slowly starts jerking off Oh my goodness Well, once Grandier was safely locked away, La Bardemont turned his attention to Sister Jen and the other 16 nuns The only problem was that after six months of no real attention, the sisters had pretty much returned to normal Oh, yeah So, to get him going again, Canon Mignon restarted the public exorcisms on the authority of La Bardemont Every single day, Mignon took the nuns in batches and carted them around to various churches in Lodon where audiences were waiting Lodon became an unofficial tourist attraction for the people of France

Thousands of people started flocking from all over the country to see these exorcisms They hear about it through word of mouth There were pamphlets being distributed all across the country as far as what was going on And the nuns continued to bear their legs for the people Oh, yeah, just screaming shit, just being like, he entered me I prostituted myself for the devil I think I've seen this exact show on TLC The Learning Channel

It's a reality show network I actually look at me like I had eight heads Because I didn't know what the show was It's a joke about what show you're refuting What show you refer referencing Okay, well, isn't this fun when I get to explain my idea? Isn't this the fun part of the show? No, because TLC is ridiculously stupid reality television programming

And for all intents and purposes, this is a reality television show for the French And now that I've explained it, this has ruined everything There's nothing stupid about sixteen just pert nuns Grinding themselves in a big cart No, I understand, I'm just saying it's a reality television program It's one of the first that ever existed Perhaps Well, the point of these exorcisms was not to drive the devil from these poor women

The point was to prove the guilt of obeying Grandier By getting the devil himself to admit that Grandier was evil Now, as I said earlier, there is a paradox at work here But Grandier's enemies got around it by saying that when the devil is constrained by a priest of the Roman Catholic Church He has to tell the truth That's legal Is that right? Really?

No choice No choice No choice whatsoever Because he's surrounded by the power of a chunky priest Is that right? I've been a lot of priests in my life Yeah, you'll do exactly what I say, you sticky devil Yeah, you'll laugh at me before when I was trying to get a laugh

But now I'll see him laugh Make it all right, now tell me how hence I am, am I devil? You are like a grape if you had a mustache God damn the honesty Well, that was the truth Turns out the devil was telling the truth So, the exorcists started inducing the demoniacs as Huxley called the nuns Oh, that's fine

Isn't it fun? Oh my god, I wish our fans were called the demoniacs Oh, that's so fun Well, he started inducing them into giving the exorcists exactly what they wanted Soon, a nun was confessing through the mouth of a devil The grand GA had quote unquote taken her on the Sabbath And had made her a princess at the devil's court I have prostituted myself to be a princess at the devil's court

And also one other term I liked is he said they made of them an obscene alter at wish for him to worship Interesting, sounds like the documentary about Courtney Love, you know Which documentary about Courtney Love? I don't know, the one where she looks all crazy Yeah, you mean the documentary that is her life Yeah, yeah, yeah Life from your clay While this may all sound ridiculous, it was actually necessary to up the ante

Before this admission about the Sabbath and all that Grand GA was just a mere sorcerer But now Grand GA was a high priest Fully and completely in league with the devil Wow He was more of a buddy of the devil than a servant of the devil He's a buddy of the devil He's a friend of the devil

But then there was the question of the teats I've been wanting to ask the questions about the teats Well it was confirmed that Grand GA had no superfluous teats Sure You can tell that easily Yeah, you can all have figured that out Yeah, while that was confirmed, sometimes in place of the teats The devil will bestow upon his servants what is known as the devil's mark

The devil's mark These spots used to seal the servant's obedience to the devil were supposedly impervious to pain According to Sister Zhen, Grand GA had no less than five Oh yeah It's a lot of spots One on his shoulder Two on the butt cheeks, near his butt hole Inside of the cheeks

Right, ma'am, I just have a question here from the jury How'd you know that, ma'am? How'd you know that about the inside of the butt cheeks there, ma'am? We did this thing called the flick test Just see if he jumped every single time I'd flick it Yuck I'll just hoxley called it his fundament Alright, come on

That's his tank, that's hoxley word for tank Wow, fundament Fundament? Fundament Alright, Mr. Hoxley And he had a devil's mark on each testicle In the back of it too, you're literally talking about the entire grundle Was where the devil had his playground

Which it still resides there today Absolutely, it does Also, if he doesn't get tried or charged as a sorcerer He's gotta go to the doctor This could be testicular cancer It sounds very dangerous Well, he's about to get checked, Kissel In a way that no one will ever forget

Now, of course, all of this had to be checked out So, the apothecary and several doctors Stripped, shaved, and blindfolded Grandier Before systematically pricking him to the bone With a long, sharp probe To see where the spot didn't feel pain actually was See, think about this Alright, I thought at first

Because it said you're supposed to prick the spot And see if they experience it You can either bleed or have any sort of reaction So, in my mind, I always thought it was like a little pin And it was like, if you stick me with a pin Right next to my butthole I'll go at least have like a oh Like I'll have like some sort of reaction

Like, hey now, we're like a... I'll say a yeast, yes Say something like that But they used a long, thin needle That they would go all the way through the meat To his skeleton And you're talking about under the balls too Well, they reportedly found only two devil's marks

But two is good enough Two is good enough? But he was accused of five Yeah, two is good enough Oh, come on One would have been good enough That's just a mole And it also was a lie

It also was a fucking lie Because he definitely probably screamed When you put this shit inside of him Yeah, and also sometimes moles would be used as devil's marks They're like, ah, that mole looks weird It's probably a devil's mark Oh my goodness Yeah, and what was more, these devil's marks

Were admissible in court According to what was said in the Malleus Maleficarum Really? Even if the Maleficarum was not strictly a legal document And the legality here was really at the heart of these proceedings According to church law Everything about this was being done wrong Oh, really?

Even by... Even by... Even by crazy church law standards They're messing this up Yeah, exorcisms are supposed to be in private At all times, exorcisms are not supposed to be public And demons were never meant to even be listened to You're not supposed to...

Remember, the demon will lie Remember, when you go in there, the demon shall lie to you You're not supposed to take a demon as a witness in a court case But what if the demon says really nice things about you? Do not listen to the demons, just flattery Yeah, well, you sound like an asshole The demon sounds very nice He's got a nice laugh

And that's what I like about him He also knows how to hold down a steady job Thank you You lie, you lie I am a bum But Richelot had a goal And La Bardemont had to carry that goal out By whatever means necessary

And with the devil's mark La Bardemont was able to officially announce That science had backed his claims And Urbain Grandier could officially stand trial As a witch Alright! Oh, man, he's fucked This is horrible

So this whole time, he's locked up in like a... Like Rapunzel up there in the window this room And he doesn't realize any of this is happening Or is he like... They're just gonna let me out at some point, right? No Somewhere out there Is he singing that?

Is all the nuns are all singing it too? It's like discussion everywhere, man He's biding his time That's what he's doing He's thinking like, well, I just gotta be patient This is a trial, you know, to test Once I get my day in court, man Oh, I'm gonna settle this straight

So I just gotta be patient I just gotta wait And he's not really privy to everything that's going on But he thinks he's still fine Okay But that's not to say there wasn't any physical evidence When it came to this trial The nuns had actually begun to vomit up strange objects

During exorcisms And these strange objects were seen as packs Or physical manifestations of deals with the devil Among these packs, either vomited up Or mysteriously found in the nun's rooms Where a piece of paper stained with three drops of blood And containing eight orange seeds A bundle of five straws

And a package that contained cinders Worms, hair, and nail clippings And all of these can be used for various spells That's the idea of this All these weird material of witches But we also don't know who's planting these things or not We don't know whether or not it's the scientists Because remember the scientists, quote unquote

The guys that are like the apothecaries They're the ones doing all of the experts Like medical witness shit So they're the ones putting things down the throats Of fucking witches and then bumping it back out But what these women were throwing up Was nothing compared to what sister Jen Supposedly threw up

Oh, I thought you were going to say what she shat out Sister Jen went another direction with him I do a fun kind of upside down throw up Oh yeah, what is it? They silly just dies laughing Like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when the weasel dies Well always the most inventive of the sisters Sister Jen once vomited up a pack

That, according to the devil possessing her Contained a piece at the heart of a child Sacrificed two years earlier The ashes of a consecrated wafer And a whole load of grandiers come Wow, how did we know it's grandiers? Because the devil said so So, I mean no matter what

It's obviously not his She got it worse I think than the sticks The girl with the stick No, there wasn't any actual cum It was probably just like a piece of meat And some other weird shit that she swallowed Says Marcus She could have found some cum somewhere

You know, it's the 1600s I mean it still was made back then It was, I know that for a fact I don't think cum like changed color or anything With the time periods in it Do you think that cum was different, man? I don't think cum has always been the same I think it's been the exact same

Tail as old as cum We know it But part of the reason why the ladies Were doing so much vomiting Was because they were being stuffed With quote unquote medications The worst of which being the antimony pill These pills which were essentially

Just pieces of smoothed metal Aggravated the mucus membranes on their way down And were used to purge the stomach And the bowels of the person swallowing them Commonly known as perpetual pills They were afterward Fished out of the chamber pot No matter what in they came out of

And were reused again and again Often passed down as family heirlooms They're the corn of medication So it just doesn't dissolve in the body What is happening here? It's metal, it's just a piece of metal That they would swallow and then throw up or shit out And then they'd reach to the chamber pot

They'd take it and they'd rinse it out And was like okay we'll just put it back with the others And then it would go from generation to generation Like it's just grandfather's perpetual pill Oh thank you so much You see this one's nice because we got it In Playa del Carmen It says it here on the side

Wow Rough day Can you imagine that getting grandpa's perpetual pill? I'm like yes You're gonna want to save this I remember our honeymoon night I had four of them in me Wow

Someone's gotta dig them out there huh Okay But you know what? What? They had fun too Why? Who is digging the stuff out? No not with digging the stuff out

Just in general Just the exorcist and the priest They had fun Okay The exorcism The devil possessing anon He called Larbaudamon a cuck And the clerk recorded it in the official minutes

I am fortunately going to need to record that as evidence But I will I don't believe that one That's the one thing that he's saying that is not true Well actually later Larbaudamon who was not there at the exorcism He signed it without reading it Saying that everything contained in the official minutes

Was to the best of his knowledge True Low Ruffle Everyone had a good laugh Rolling on the floor Poor Chan started then Oh my

Cuck But the really strange thing about all of this Is that while Larbaudamon and God and Christ And the Virgin Mary and the priests and the monks And the other nuns All these people were being blasphemed And amazingly enough No devil was brave enough to blaspheme the king

Or the cardinal Really? Yeah cause they saw what happened to Grand Jay Yeah dude And if you come for the king you better not miss I heard that Change words I am

I stand that Always But that wasn't the only suspect thing about the language that the devils used See the church had four tests And still has four tests When it comes to seeing as to whether or not a possession case is genuine You got the strength test The levitation test

The clairvoyance test And of course The language test Also known as the carny quattro What's a quattro? That makes sense That makes sense Sounds fine

The carny quattro yeah Well as anyone who's seen a single possession movie knows When a person is possessed They're suddenly fluent in languages they've never heard Like when Reagan starts speaking Italian in the exorcist But in the case of the nuns Only the nuns who knew Latin Were possessed by devils who spoke Latin

And even the ones who did know Latin Didn't speak or understand it very well On one occasion A priest kept asking questions in Latin Until he found one that the nun could answer correctly Great And the embarrassment of that one was only compounded When the whole thing got broken up

By another nun coming into the room Under hands and knees Naying like a horse Oh no that is not even That's not necessarily part of the possession She's just telling us lunch is ready girl Oh my And then he just gets on her back

And just like alright let's go To the commentary She got bit by the horse bug That's fun I want the horse demon Can you imagine that If you're trying to do something super serious And then a woman comes into the room

Under hands and knees I don't know man I saw some HBO real sex documentary footage Of the horsey play They used to show that episode Like every week It's burnt into my mind That one in the clown erotica one

They're all sitting in the pies Real weird Oh yeah When asked about the language discrepancy The exorcist said that there were educated devils And uneducated devils in this world And it just so happened That the educated devils were drawn to the educated women

Of course educated devils They tend to vote more democrat The uneducated devils tend to be a little bit more republican But I don't know It seems to be the trends It's crazy how much the spin machine Has been working since the beginning of time The spin machine is just like

We just figured out really easily Like you set up a set of laws And then you just kind of jimmy rig everything So it just kind of fits towards those laws Yeah and I have to say I'm probably in more agreement with the uneducated people Because it seems like the educated people Are pulling off what seems to be total nonsense

With these What are we talking about here? Possession Exorcisms The educated people are the ones doing exorcisms The uneducated are like I think they think that's dumb No, the uneducated were absolutely

On the side of the possessions You need a crown I don't know You also need an audience So I'm not sure Well, furthermore If the devils could not speak a certain language Such as Greek or Gaelic

Because a couple of guys came in And tried fooling them The reason why they couldn't speak those languages Was because the pact with Grandier It signed with the devils Forbade them from using that language Of course Are ye ou ye a evilday

It does seem like there's a lot of human rules To put onto this supernatural situation And that was also how they were able To skirt the levitation issue Sister Jen said that the pact with Grandier Expressly forbade any and all floating No matter what, just forget about it Don't ask me about it

It was illegal by Diemit law for them to float There's no way they could break those laws Because then they would be criminals against the devil And demons And then they have to go into devil court Oh my, I would assume that's worse Well, the thing is that everybody's a lawyer That's funny, right?

I do like that This is a good point for your pretty faces Going to hell commercial We could just kind of put that in there Fly from your grave Fly from your grave Well, as far as the strength issue went They brought in a Scottish physician named Mark Duncan

To see just how strong the ladies were Because they were supposed to be superhumanly strong But they soon found that Duncan had more than enough strength To just kind of hold him down with his hand Well, the exorcist responded to this By inviting anyone who doubted the nun's strength To stick their fingers in the nun's mouth Their reasoning was that if the nuns

Were not supernaturally strong Then the men had nothing to worry about But if they were worried that the devil Was going to bite them Then they would refuse And since they refused to stick their fingers In these women's mouths The exorcist took it as proof

They have to be unnaturally strong It makes all the sense in nothing In no world No world doesn't make any sense And they will say a lot of times the nuns Because they would like be in character Like ahhh, it sucks And then you stick the fingers in their mouth

Because the idea is that you open up their mouth To scream into their mouth at the devil the devil, right? That was inside of him. But then one of them, they would always take and go like, ah, until one, it was, there was one priest that would stick his fingers in and they'd go like, all right, stop it, stop it, because his hands were always dirty. I'm sure they're fricking filthy. We're in the 15th century here? 17th. 17th century France? Oh my God. But this priest had hands that were filthy for 17th century France. What in the world? Well, concerning clairvoyance, meaning the knowledge of things that they

could not have known without supernatural help, the exorcist took the profane filthy things that the nuns said and did on a daily basis as proof of that, in the words of a one father tranchier, quote. In what scurril of rags, an atheist, have they learned to spew forth such blasphemies and obscenities? In other words, there was no way the nuns could have learned how to say, fuck me, without the help of the devils. Of course. And the nuns were spending a lot of time saying, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Well, they're nuns. Ah, give me the, give me the mustache. I want to pull your dick out of my fucking ass. Give me your mustache. They were saying like fun stuff. Well, they're

lonely. They just want companionship. They've been in the nunnery. The convent were far too long. Turn me upside down and make me fart, you dumb bitch. They're like weird shit. They're like blowing my asshole. Like, that's fun. But the thing was, at one point, the nuns did fight back. In July of 1634, months after all this had begun again, one of the nuns burst into tears and admitted that all of it had been a lie and that she had acted under the orders of Canon Mignon. Oh, it's like a White House aide. Even Sister Jin, who had started this whole goddamn mess, made a full plea during one of her exorcisms as the public watched. But it was far too late by this point for any of the nuns to be credible.

The exorcist claimed that if any of the nuns said the whole thing had been one big lie, that it was actually just further proof that she'd been telling the truth before. Flipping it. Yeah. Because Grandier, and by extension, the devil, was speaking through her. Okay. Eventually, Sister Jin went to Lao Bardamon's parlor and told him herself that she'd made up everything and that Grandier was innocent. But of course, Lao Bardamon wasn't in this thing for justice. So he politely told her to fuck off. Yeah, dude, by then it was too late. Everybody was too fucking horny for death. I will say, though, technically not too late. At any point, they couldn't just stop doing this. Grandier is still alive.

They could just be like, all right, thank you for the new evidence has come to thank you. New evidence has come to light. We're going to let him go. Yeah. And the trial hadn't even begun at this point. This was still all pre trial stuff. So I don't think it is too late. It's not too late. Okay. But still, I mean, these guys had an agenda and they were going to carry it through. Absolutely. So Sister Jin walked out to the convent yard in the pouring rain, stripped down to her undergarments and tried hanging herself from a tree in the garden and was saved only when the other nuns came to a rescue. And of course, this suicide attempt was taken as even more proof that the devil had taken hold of Sister

Jin. Oh, after that, though, Sister Jin started to lash out at the people of Lodon. Now, had this been about more than just the death of her bane Grandier, this is the point of the witch hunt where dozens more people could have ended up dead. But thankfully, there was only one further casualty. And even then, it didn't end in death. Sister Jin accused Grandier's secret wife Madeline de Bru of witchcraft. And while she was eventually freed, she ended up having to do what else but join a convent and disappeared into a nunnery forever. Oh my goodness, the accusations sunk her. I also did get did get some response from people asking if nuns did as much scissoring as I thought they did in convents. And a lot of

nuns, I guess they just kind of refuse to answer. Yeah, I don't think that they do, Henry. I think that you have a very, I don't know, pornographic view of what a convent is. That's the only view I have of it, because I've never seen inside of a real one. And I just don't know, you know, I'm uneducated. I don't know. We used to have a couple of nuns at my Catholic school, Sister Susan Bundy. Oh, very interesting. She ate a lot of snack foods during class and picked her nose and ate it. She really did that. I don't even know if I should say her name. She really did pick her nose and ate it in the middle of class. Why do you think she'll snap awake in her casket? Oh, she's still around. Oh, anyway. Well, Jin

didn't just stop Madeline de Bru. She said that the men of Lodone were kissing the devil's rump on the Sabbath. The women were fornicating with incubi and all over town sorcerers were causing impotence in young men on their wedding nights. Oh, and it was Grandier who was ejaculating into the tiny air holes of the brick-up window of his attic cell, and that his magic cum would fly all around town to reward the witches and warlocks of Lodone with his favor. Hell, yeah. Oh, like when you're walking down a street in New York City and you feel a drop of water hit your head and then you look up and it's an AC unit, like on the fifth floor, but in this case, it's his cum. It's his cum. Interesting. Yeah, there's just a guy just

standing on top of the AC unit going like, hello, Mr. Gissel, huge fan of the podcast. Drop. I just got Spider-Man. In other words, Grandier was fucked. Oh, my. In fact, once his preliminary trial was over, his execution was seen as such a foregone conclusion that 30,000 people showed up in Lodone hoping to see Grandier burn. The only person who didn't think Grandier was fucked was Grandier. Buddy, at some point he needs a friend to just be like, you know, things aren't looking great for you right now. You are truly completely fucked. He's like, no, no, I have an incredible closure. Wait till they see this bit that I do about how, again, airplanes are amazing. If you could just even imagine what it's like,

but the seats are so small and the captain's so calm even though he's flying through the air. Isn't that wild? Successful French comedy continues. Yeah, I mean, Grandier still thought that the whole thing had just been one big misunderstanding. And once he got in his day in court, he'd straighten everything out. That's the last when it's all been a misunderstanding or your last words. That is going to be your last word. You're struggling against people going towards the chair. But on the day of the trial, after all the evidence was read and Grandier began making his grand speech and defense of the charges against him, he saw that the judges, according to his case, weren't paying a goddamn bit of attention.

According to Huxley, they were whispering to each other, laughing, picking their noses, doodling with their quills. Yeah, Marcus, we know because we've pitched shows to television networks and we know the look. We know the look through you towards the clock in another office. Oh yeah. No, we are not attractive. We're not young. I don't even understand why they met with us. Most of those places, TBS, very funny indeed. Didn't seem to like our sense of humor very much, but first poop of the day. Did I tell you that I was recently back in TBS? Oh, were you really? And I did it again. I did it at a spite. I did it to show Dave. Oh man, it was fun. That's fun. Zia, sunk, sunk another meeting. I love it.

First poop of the day. Starter logs. Starter logs. There you go. That's kind of a, I think we explained that story on a back episode. I think we did. Yeah, yeah, no, it's just, it was just someone mentioned starter logs in a TV pitch meeting and Henry said, that's what I call the first poop of the day. First poop of the day. And then he told the TV executive that he looked like Ted Bundy. And then that was the end of it. I told a very innocuous joke about how you give me a starter log and I can start a fire and then you said, you know what I call the first log of the day. Starter log. First poop of the day. Hey, by the way, anyone ever told you you look like Ted Bundy? Yeah, that's great. Hey, what do

you want from me? We were pitching a streak. It's us. It's us. It literally was the closest thing to timey boy where it's just like, do you validate? You guys need to keel quarter puke in his guts out. It was in the moment. The grand jay was making his speech and staring at everybody laughing, picking their nose, not giving me shit. It was in that moment. The grand jay finally accepted that he was well and truly fuck. Oh, and he was the verdict was unanimous. Grand jay was to be tied to the stake and burned alive, after which his ashes were to be scattered to the four winds. And I tell you what, this was the only time I've heard being tied to a stake as being bad news. Oh, well, I will go to my death

with another bombed attempt at humor. That one almost saved your life, though. Almost saved your life. That was quite funny if you think about steak as a food. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a pay-up on words. Steak and steak are harmonums. And, well, the airplane bathroom, I will not be removed. Anyway, that is a really funny bit. I just told my cousin Carlos Mencia that joke, and he is said he's going to use it in his next HBO special. So, well, just being burned at the stake would have been bad enough. But the judges also decided to subject grand jay to the question, both ordinary and extraordinary. What's that? What that meant is that grand jay was to be heavily tortured before his sentence was carried out

in order to elicit a full confession using both torture and super torture. Once again, guys, I do think this is a misunderstanding. I just want to let you know. So what kind of screams you'll think you'll make when we pierce you again and again? Oh, fuck. Now, the night before grand jay received his sentence, he'd come to terms with how fucked he truly was, and he'd gone through a bit of a spiritual change. He'd realized that he'd been a bit of an asshole in his life, and while he knew he didn't deserve to be burned at the stake for it, he certainly hadn't helped himself much by talking shit about powerful people and getting his best friend's daughter pregnant.

Oh, how I wish I did not go on Howard Stern. Yeah, I mean, he was just an asshole. Nowadays, we would just give him an AM radio show, and he would be like the number one disjockey in Texas. Yeah, he would make an apology appearance on Joe Rogan and be fine. Yeah. I mean, he did know that he would die, but he also had faith that when he was sent before the Heavenly Father for judgment, his soul would be clean. But in order for his soul to be clean, grand jay could not and would not confess to anything he didn't do. Did I bed countless widows and chambermaids and peasant girls? Yes. Did I seduce my best friend's teenage daughter, get her pregnant that abandoned her?

Now that I'm thinking about it, yes. Did I consort with the devil to possess a convent of nuns for no real reason? Absolutely not. He doesn't pay his invoices. Okay, so he went two out of three. Two out of three. And while you might think a lot of people went to the stake defiant like Urbain grand jay, you'd be wrong. Some certainly did. But even Father Galfridi, who was executed 20 years earlier for pretty much the same thing as Urbain grand jay signed a full confession before being burned. Mostly this confession after the trial was a way for the church and the state to cover their ass. It was relatively easy to go to the stake still protesting your innocence if you just went from the courtroom

to the fire. But if the sentence required a little stop at the torture chamber beforehand, most people ended up signing the confession that they were in fact a witch just so they could make their last moments on earth a little more comfortable, which is totally understandable. Absolutely. We toured the torture museum in Naples and that is some scary stuff. Yeah. Well, you know, you know, maybe it'll end early and then you can be done with it. But I will say that's one thing about Urbain grand jay is that he definitely stuck by his guns. Like if he was a in his in many ways, he was a bad dude. But in many ways, he was an enlightened man. Like he understood like he did some good for Lou Dahl, besides the stick in and in the

bush. He was also like he was the center of essentially new modern thought, trying to teach people how to like drag people from the medieval times to the modern times. But that gets you killed. Absolutely. My favorite little torture device that they had not the worst torture device you don't die. But if you were found for if you were found guilty of public drunkenness over and over again, they made you wear a barrel. You would love it. It wouldn't even covered my crotch. It was very exciting. But I think the worst one is like the horse one where they put the weights on your ankles and you sit on that like triangle thing, the Spanish donkey. We were in Tulum, go see into some ruins. And those are also some tiny people.

The old Italians were tiny people that barrel would cover their entire family. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, the anal pair was also particularly bad. Yeah, they would heat it up. Yeah. The thing is about a bang Grandier is that he was not going to confess to Jack shit. No, in other cases, it might not have been so bad. But in this case, the Cardinal and Laobardement needed that fucking confession. If Grandier confessed, the ends would justify the means and it will provide further precedent for future inquisitions, thereby securing the Cardinal's power. If Grandier didn't confess, then it was all for naught. In other words, Grandier was in for a really terrible fucking day. Yikes. All right, guys, fucking hold

yourselves. This is a bad Sunday afternoon. This is this is where it gets a little nasty. Yeah. Okay, the torture is about to commence. First Laobardement ordered Grandier to be completely shaved from head to toe, even removing his eyebrows. Well, that's physically embarrassing, guys. It's not so much like I just I just not painful. When you remove my curls from my bottom and my top, I appear to be a giant hard infant. Well, that's what that was a part of it, you know, is to make him look like a clown, like completely removing his eyes. I mean, it's to make him look as ridiculous as humanly possible. If you don't have any eyebrows, you look weird. No, that's not true. We have a lot of listeners without eyebrows

without eyebrows, and we love them. Okay. Yeah, I mean, eyebrows don't show up in pictures of me at night, like, because my eyebrows are for a faint. So I do look like an evil eggheaded man. Well, I gotta say, and this is a question for, I don't know, people who study evolution. Why do we even got the eyebrows in the first place? They're extremely essential to keep sweat out of your eyes. That's what they're there for. But you don't sweat a lot, so unless you're under pressure from the government. So I really keep the sweat out of your eyes. Yeah, eyebrows can sweat out of your eye. That's why we have them. They collect might, they collect might, and they also they use to connect to our hairline. Yeah,

I know that was the whole point. I don't think we need the eyebrows. That's all I'm going to say. Shave your eyebrows. Do it. Shave your eyebrows. Oh, lose them. Well, at the official shaving, La Bardemont had also wanted to remove Grand G.A.'s fingernails. He's like, yeah, you shaved him. All right, take his fingernails off. That's not hair, sir. But the guy that was tasked with the shaving said, if you want his fingernails taken, you take them. Yeah, because I got a union break in about 15 minutes, and then I got another union break after that. So that really isn't work. I'm over now. Well, that was too much for La Bardemont. He's like, okay, fine, fine, fine, just fucking whatever. Just move him

along. Okay. We're going to burn him. So let's just fucking get on with it. Yeah. All right. So Grand G.A. was given 15 minutes to make his peace with God before he was put to the question. Okay, Gault, how about this? How about this? Oh, God, women drive carriages far more erratic than men drive carriages. And is it interesting if you fart in an elevator? How rude is that? God, is that funny? Very funny. Oh, is that TBS? First poop of the day. First poop of the day. Well, honestly, good stuff. Different carriage drivers. Yeah, absolutely. Then when the clock struck the appointed time, Grand G.A. was bound and stretched out on the floor in front of the executioner. There the executioner La Bardemont, three

exorcist monks and eight other spectators introduced Grand G.A. to the boot. What's the boot? The boot was a particularly inventive form of torture in which the legs will be tightly encased in four wooden boards. The outer pair of boards stayed prone while the two inner boards were free to move. The torture came when wooden wedges of increasing size were hammered in between the boards, slowly crushing the bones in the victim's legs and feet. These are not easy things to come up with. What about just trying to get the, get an automobile, get an engine in a car? Why focus on torture devices so much? They literally could just cut his toes off. They could just go like clip, clip, clip, clip, but you know.

They could have found a way to make, I don't know, sliced bread. It didn't happen until the 1900s. 1927, I think. Come on. Why is it that human nature is to only invent things when it's like we can hurt someone with that? It's very bizarre. It's fun. But before they were to start the torture, the priests had to exercise everything. The ropes, the boards, the wedges, the mallets, all of it had to be sprinkled in holy water to drive the devils out lest the devils give Grandier any comfort. Ah. Well, after they exercised everything, the first wedge was placed between the knees and the executioner brought down the hammer with a swift blow, instantly shattering Grandier's kneecaps. Grandier screamed and priests asked

if he would confess, but Grandier refused. No. That's incredible. Yeah. Then came the feet. Again, a wedge was placed in the proper spot. But if you were hammering in these wedges, you could either do it in one swift motion or you could do it slowly. So this time, the executioner broke Grandier's feet slowly, tap, tap, tap, tap, tapping it until his feet were crushed. What do you think is better there, slower, fast? Fast. You think so? Yeah. I don't know. Isn't it funny? You might as well sign your checks over to your wife so she can directly put them into her baker counter. That is a good one. Carlos Mencia, did you write that down? I did. All right. Then came another wedge in another place, and another,

and another, and another, eight wedges in all, each one thicker than the last until damn near every bone from the femur to the toes were shattered. In Huxley's words, their splinters projected through the mangled flesh. And along with the blood, there was an ooze of marrow. But still, the friars could exhort no admission of guilt, only that screaming and in the intervals, the whispered name of God. At some point, do you just go numb? Like how much? You go to shock. Yeah, the shock, right? Because I mean, people, I just, I think I would have passed out already. Easy. Now, after all eight wedges were used, that officially ended the ordinary part of the torture. But La Bardemont and the priests wanted more. So they ordered

the executioner to go to the storeroom to find more wedges for the purpose of extraordinary torture. And now Desili will enter. He will do a thing called tickle torture. That's what I mean. I stalk with the little teats. But when the executioner came back with just two more wedges that were no thicker than the ones that they'd already used. It sounds like a bunch of ladies on a beach vacation looking for the shoes. Who was on wedge supply? Usually they only do eight. It's like eights enough. That's extraordinary torture because they did actually have certain guidelines set out. It's like eight. What's extraordinary or what's ordinary torture? Eight. What's extraordinary? And two more. They need to fire the manager.

That's a failed inventory check right there. You got to make sure they have enough wedges. Yeah. Well, he came back with two more. Okay. But that wasn't good enough. So La Bardemont and the monks, they started brainstorming as to how they were going to keep this thing going. And they saw that they could fit just a couple more wedges into the into the device by replacing wedge number seven at the knee with wedge number eight down at the ankle. It's like Tetris for sociopaths. Then they decided to get in on the action themselves. Taking the hammer from the executioner, Father Lectantz inserted his wedge and started hammering. And with each blow, he yelled, Dicus, Dicus, which means tell me in Latin. God, that's

so much fun. You know what I would almost say is because I wonder if it's yelling or if it's one of its like, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus, Dicus. Oh, my goodness. He just wanted him to talk. He's just screaming. Why is the volume of commercials so much louder than the television show? That's a good point. The television is a magic box with the plays inside of them. That is a great point. Yeah. Now, after Father Lectantz was finished, he handed the mallet over to Father Tranquil, who was able to drive the final wedge into the device in only three strokes. And still over the entirety of the 45 minute long ordeal, Grandier had not confessed. You just see him just going

like, I'm not going to fucking tell you shit. He's just like him squirming. His legs just looking like fucking piles of ragu attached to his thighs. Yeah, absolutely. So I mean, he's sticking to his guns here, though. Yeah. Okay. I respect him for that. Grandier was then taken out of the boot and dragged to a bench where he was laid down, not to rest, but to be harangued by Laobard de Mol. What's a harangue? It's bothering him. Oh, just bothering him. So now he's just going to go from getting his legs, ankles, kneecaps busted to just being aggravated. Yeah. Well, that doesn't seem like a, that's just not a lateral move when it comes to torture. No, but it doesn't leave. It definitely is the thing

of him putting, putting his finger like right above his forehead, meowing, going, I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. And now the true torture. You will go into a room alone with Holden McNeely from Wizard and the Bruiser. Henry, what are your free sandwiches that you left in the verge of the studio? It was like kind of old. Put me back in the boot. Put me back in the boot. For two hours, Laobard de Mol tried to get Grandier to confess, but Grandier, who was pretty much just in shock at this point, still refused. So he's literally just like Sorcerer says what? Sorcerer says what? What? Oh, was that a confession? What? It's a funny idea. It's a funny trick. No, that's going to be a no from me dog.

So Laobard de Mol said, tell with it, just burn the son of a bitch. I don't care anymore. Wow. Oh yeah. Now the other part of Grandier's sentence was that he had to stop at both his own church and at the nunnery to beg God and the people for forgiveness. Laobard de Mol thought this would be a nice bit of PR showing the people what an evil man Grandier had been by showing just how contrite he could be because Laobard de Mol thought that the boot would break Grandier. But instead, people just saw Grandier as broken and bloody, but still somehow charmingly defiant. Do you see how they turned my feet into pasta? Just dragging him back and forth with these two fucking like squiggly legs. Yeah, what did they do? The walking

confession thing before they broke his legs? No, they didn't want they put him up in a horse cart and then took him there. And that's the thing is that when he was plopped down in front of his old church because he had no knees on which to kneel, a friend pushed through the crowd and embraced him. You know what they say, my good friend, no knees is good knees. That's good. That's good. I love it. So he's being carted around like Marlon Brando from the island of Dr. Moreau, just pale and broken. Laobard de Mol thought that the crowd was going to be in a frenzy upon seeing Grandier, that the soldiers would have to keep them from lynching their former parson. But instead, the crowd was only moved by a

display of loyalty and friendship. Then when they got to the convent, Grandier refused to ask forgiveness of Sister Jin and the other nuns because he said he'd never done them any harm whatsoever. And he could only pray that God would forgive them. Whoa. Yeah. He flipped it. Yeah. Interesting. Put them on trial. That's what my mom does. Yeah. Then they came to St. Croix Square, the site of the execution. Six thousand people had managed to fit into a space meant for half that many, with some of them hanging out windows or sitting on roofs. It was so crowded that it took half an hour for the guards to bring Grandier a hundred yards through the crowd. Now the stake itself was 15 feet high and around the base

were piled layers of logs, bundled sticks, and straw. But since Grandier could no longer stand because his legs were destroyed, they had to fasten an iron seat a couple of feet above the firewall. Oh, God. And Grandier's last joke, of course, was, oh, is that a starter log in that fire there? That's going to be interesting to hear what I call a starter log. That's what I call my first poop of the day. But my dad never liked it. Incredible. Incredible. After the seat was fashioned, Grandier was lifted up and lashed to the post. Who? Behind him was the church where he had served for years. And when he looked up, he saw right in front of him the home of Louis Trincant, his former best friend. So Trincant, Canemignon,

and a few of Grandier's other enemies had decided to make a day of Grandier's execution. Yeah, let's make a day of it. Let's make a day of it. Theme it. They were having a party in Trincant's drawing room, which overlooked the square. And they were all drunk on wine and laughing triumphantly and waving at Urbane Grandier. Honestly, that would have been fun. The way to flip it is that, again, you go like, isn't this crazy? This is how we're seeing each other again. Isn't this just the way it would have been, you know? Now, there was some mercy attempted. The captain of the guard, a man named LaGrange, believed in Grandier's innocence. He'd promised Grandier two things. Grandier would be allowed

to speak before sentence was carried out, and he would be strangled to death before being burned. But LaGrange didn't count on the exorcists. Father Tranquil, Father Lactent, and another priest named Father Archangel. Whoa, he's from X-Men. Come on, yeah. These guys had followed close behind Grandier's procession, and were now exercising everything from the wood to the executioner himself. Grandier tried to speak as was promised, but Father Tranquil struck him in the mouth with an iron crucifix. And all the time, Father Lactent was yelling, Dickus, Dickus! He told Grandier to confess again and again, saying that he had only a moment to live. And to that, Grandier said, Only a moment, only a

moment, and then I go to that just and fearful judgment to which Reverend Father, you too, must soon be caught. And with that, Father Lactent took it upon himself to begin the proceedings, and he lit the straw for the pyre. Following his lead, another priest set fire on the other side, and the execution unofficially began. Grandier called out to LaGrange, asking him if this was what he had promised. But LaGrange hadn't been paying attention to the priests, so when he saw that they'd set fire without a say so, he started trying to stamp out the fires so he could keep his promise. But the thing is he kept setting fire to his super long beard, and his double guitars on his belt would get in

the way. But as soon as one fire was stamped out, there was another priest behind LaGrange setting another flame. So knowing that it was a lost cause, LaGrange figured he could at least make good on his promise to strangle Grandier to give a little mercy. But when he got to the noose, he found that the priests played a little prank. They'd knotted the rope so it couldn't be used. Now that's good humor. That's funny. That is fun. By the time LaGrange got the knots undone, Grandier was being fully consumed by the flames. It sounds like the first version of the whack-a-mole game, but instead of moles, it's just a bunch of fires you're trying to put out to save someone that you believe is innocent. It does.

And I have about seven more ZZ Top Jokes that I haven't added to this. We'll do an uncle corner at the end. You can just bust them all out. And as the fire grew larger and larger, and Grandier began screaming, the priests entered a chanting, exorcistic ecstasy, which only stopped when Grandier started coughing. Not content to let Grandier suffocate, as people usually did when they were burned at the stake, other lactants used holy water to control the fire enough where he could keep smoke from entering Grandier's lungs. And it worked. There was one final scream, then silence. It was thought that Grandier was dead, but suddenly words began coming from the charred

blackened thing still tied to the stake. It's like the end of Chucky, what is it? As his last words Grandier said, Forgive my enemies. Then the rope which had bound Grandier to the stake gave way. He tumbled forward and died there on the hot coals, with exorcists still chanting while flinging holy water on his burning body. Once the fire burned out, the executioner scattered four shovelfuls of ashes to each point on the compass, then the crowds surged forward to pick through the remains, hunting for teeth, bone fragments, or burned flesh to use as a holy relic. It's like catching a baseball in a baseball game. If he's innocent, then you've got

the holy relic of a martyr. If he's guilty, you've got the holy relic of a witch. But either way, you're siphoning through human remains and coal on a street in France. You can get teeth, skull fragments, things like that. Then the next day, the priests actually did a post game with the devils that were still possessing Sister Jin. They brought John Gruden in. They reported that Satan had been frustrated by the exorcist's efforts, because if the priests hadn't been there, and hadn't sprinkled everything with holy water, then Grandier would have felt nothing. But thanks to Father's lactance, tranquill and archangel, Grandier suffered immensely every step of the way.

Strangely though, the men involved in the execution began dying mysterious deaths soon after. Lactance was supposedly filled with demons himself, haunted by the screams of Grandier under torture. Exactly one month after Grandier's execution, Father Lactance knocked a crucifix out of the hand of a priest and died of a fever. Then, shortly after Lactance died, the surgeon who had conspired against Grandier died after supposedly seeing Urbain's naked ghost. Father Tranquil lasted a few more years, but he died horribly as well. He was stricken by a stomach ailment supposedly caused by demons, and it was written that after days and days of vomiting, quote, fittingly though, at Father Tranquil's funeral, people

also rushed his casket for a chance at a holy relic, smashing the coffin and ripping his clothes from his body. It was only the guards present who kept the spectators from ripping apart Father Tranquil's corpse. And of course, Grandier's death did nothing to alleviate the good sisters of Ludon. Sister Zhen even had a false pregnancy that she tried to cut out of herself and baptize before she smothered the devil baby. Because of course abortion is wrong. It sounds like she did a very violent version of it, but right before she was sitting there, she had cut a hole in her chemists. She was about to fucking slice her stomach open to

pull the baby out, but she supposedly stopped at the last minute by a vision of Jesus. The false pregnancy did disappear after Sister Zhen vomited up a whole bunch of blood, but she was still trotted out day after day, still saying, fuck me, fuck me, over and over again in public exorcisms. Now it's just her bit. She just has this thing on lockdown. She knows what to do. That is what you do. You get your show together and you go on the road with it. You know what she was doing. You're a hunchback. You're kind of sexy. You're getting out there. Honestly, you know, more power to her.

Yeah. Well, not quite more power to her. She is the last power. She did get a man murdered. Yeah. You know. It was back in the day. No one was innocent though. Yeah, it could be. Eventually though, people started to lose interest and it was only after a demon named Zabulan appeared to Sister Zhen, was she given the secret to make it all end. Zabulan told her that he would only leave and all the demons would only leave if Sister Zhen visited the tomb of St. Francis DeSalle in Italy. And so after a nice vacation to Italy, the demons

left. So she just got a vacation to Italy. Yeah. She hit the stake and his legs broke from the kneecaps down and she got a vacation like she won Wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She took a nice vacation to Italy. The demons left and she was troubled no more. Oh my God. So she has the greatest out of all the stories.

Yeah. As far as the other players went, most faded into history. Except Cardinal Richelieu. He played a huge part in French history. He was also played by Tim Curry in that terrible Three Musketeers movie with Oliver Platt. We don't remember that one. Yeah. We don't remember that Tim Curry vehicle. Yeah. The one where everyone had English accents except Oliver Platt, Kiefer Sutherland,

Chris O'Donnell and Charlie Sheen. I think that's my favorite when they just hire actors. Like what was the guy who played James Bond, the Irish dude? Remember, it was older. Daniel Craig. Not Daniel Craig. Pierce Brosnan. No, not Pierce Brosnan. Jacob Ragouda.

I don't know. But anyway, never changes his accent. Yeah. It doesn't matter. And I also say Oliver Platt was the one because Jackie, my sister Jackie, she always had the crush on the off one. Yeah. So she was crushed. She crushed on Lance Bass. I want to say she crushed on the other dude

with the weird lined up chin hair. Oh, well from, I think from Backstreet, the other guy. And then Jackie was sexually obsessed with Oliver Platt from that movie. From that one in particular. Yeah. I believe it. Oh, I was thinking of Sean Connery. Oh, yeah. He's got it.

He's not Irish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He always has that accent. I could see Oliver Platt and Jackie getting along in real life. I'm sure he lives in Los Angeles and Jackie is, by the way, we have to plug Jackie here at the end of this episode

when it comes to the Sausage Championship. She's looking to get, but I have some info on that. You just messed it all up. You just fucking messed all up. As far as Urbain Grandier went, it's likely he probably would have been just as happy to not go down in history at all. Just live in his life as a small town, fancy free priest until the end of his days. But as it was, Urbain Grandier stands as a lesson as to how powerful mass delusion can be when it's put in the hands of truly evil men with absolute

power. Absolutely. Wow. Awesome. There it is. Devil of Devils of Lodon. There it is. That was great.

Yeah. What an interesting history lesson. Some good humor as well. I love this shit. I love exorcists and all this stuff. I wish, I want to find a real one though. One day, one day we'll find a good solid real possessions case. But that's a great lesson though to take away from all of this and it happens, mass hysteria happens all the time and we're living in a world of mass hysteria now, maybe even more

so than they had back then because now it's global. Which isn't that nice. Yeah. Well, now we have these programming machines that we call our phones that are all built upon algorithms that are built to hypnotize us and convinces us of absolutely everything. They were constantly inundated by all of the various advertising agents that are essentially just now wings of the government that convinces us to buy their products in order to feel whole spiritually and psychically.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening to Henry. I got a text message from Q. He's actually texting me now. I signed it up. It's only $0.99 for me to get the text, so it's not a scam. It's not a scam. Yeah. Awesome. Great episode guys. So, so much, so much fun. So we have, we're going to be on the road. Yeah.

So we had a whole bunch of shows to do on the road. I mentioned Jackie Zabrowski. This is true. Jackie wants to be the national sausage and hot dog council's hot dog ambassador. Yes. Regional hot dog ambassador. Regional hot dog ambassador. So go to hot, hot slash, no, hot-dog.org and vote for Jackie. I talked about this on Top Hat this week. She's got some stiff competition. She does. Beeman, Beesman or something like that, who's in the West.

I'm really afraid for her nitrate intake, but I understand that it's a ceremonial position and hopefully she can do a lot more posing with hot dogs and just more of just the celebration that hot dogs are a fun, smoothie of meat and anything should be allowed to go in there. Absolutely. Hot-dog.org. Speaking of us on the road, we have, like most of our shows have been sold out. Thank you, Satan, for your gifts, but we got some tickets available. We got tickets in Vancouver. We got tickets in Salt Lake City. If you're in Salt Lake City, get your ass to the show. Yeah.

Both of eight people that come see you are bullshit. We're going to have a good time. You get them out there. You get them dancing. We're going to go, we're going to burn a church down. No, we're not. We're not going to burn a church down. No, we're not going to burn a church down. It's a big ass church they got there. It's a pretty famous one. But yeah, just tell them a wedding's going on. If I know anything about Salt Lake City, a lot of weddings, because everyone is dying

to have sex and you have to get married to do it according to the faith. So here you go. Yeah, we're going to be going to Salt Lake City on May 19th and Vancouver on May 30th. Can't wait to see everybody on the road. Thank you all so much for giving to our Patreon. Without you, we don't exist. We're like the Green Bay Packers. We're owned by the fans. We're all family here at Last Podcast Network. So thank you so much for giving to our Patreon. If you want to listen to it, Henry and I do a small little interview series. We've got some fun interviews on there. So feel free to listen to those. Enjoy them. Top pad is

everything political. Page seven, Wizard of the Bruiser. The story must be told. Check out all the shows here on the LPN Network or LP Network, because it's that last podcast, Network Network. Huh. You never thought, huh? Yeah. But yeah, so thank you all so much for the support. All the shows are doing so well. And yeah, and every time I get a lot of DMs on my Ben Kissle One on Instagram and they'll

be like, I just checked out whatever and it's actually really good. I'm like, yeah, all the shows are good. Yeah. Check them out. Well, thank you guys for your continued support and hail Satan. Hail yourselves, everyone. Hail again. Magustalations. Hail me, because I'm very sunburnt from the honeymoon and now the burn has gone away and now I'm just itching. Yep. And now you're just married.

Yeah, man. I love it. I love it. I love it. And don't go with the flow. Everyone says go with the flow. No, you can be relaxed, but you don't have to go with the flow all the time because sometimes it leads to people being burnt to the stake for no reason. JoJo. Be a reed in the storm. Ooh.

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