Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 37: The Zombie Apocalypse is Upon Us

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

You've read the story of the face-eating man, now hear all the alarming facts surrounding the case! From the rash of mysterious happenings around Florida in the surrounding areas to the extreme effects of snorting bath salts, LPOTL is delving into the world of real-life zombies for your frightening pleasure.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? All right. Welcome to the last talk, guys on the left, everybody. Warning, warning.

I know we usually do comedy, but this is an all-serious episode. After epidemics going on from 516 to 527, it appears the zombie apocalypse is upon us. The end times has begun, ladies and gentlemen, get your pitchforks, get into your basements. Stop making love. Stop making love. Hug your wife. Only hug her. Don't ever insult her.

Leave your wife and make love to the woman that you wanted to your whole life. You know what I'm saying? She might be a zombie already. Yeah, be careful. Be careful. This is a serious episode. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm Ben Kissel.

Marcus Parks, Dateline, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, May 19th, 2012, a still unknown chemical was released into the Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport, where a whole group of schoolchildren broke out into a rash recently. May 24th, 2012, Lauderdale Lake's middle school, approximately 15 miles from MacArthur High, is put on lockdown and has Matt called in when two students and a science teacher come down with a mysterious red rashes. May 25th, 2012. It's just rashes.

I have a rash too, but it's summer, so. Yeah. A passenger aboard American Airlines Flight 320 becomes disoriented upon landing in Miami, ignores flight crew instructions to remain in his seat, and rushes the front of the plane before being subdued by fellow passengers. The man had no prior known history of violence. I think it was probably those sweet Latina titties, those Cuban gales. May 25th, 2012, things get serious, and as these theologists is pulled over on the central

Florida Greenway by highway patrol for erratic driving, after failing a sobriety test, the doctor is placed into the back of a cop car, where he becomes agitated and enraged, banging his head against the inside of the car until he bleeds and ends up spitting an entire mouth full of blood into the face of the arresting officer. Drop and roll. Yeah, that sounds pretty great. On. When does he break out in a rash?

That's what I want to know. And finally, May 26th, 2012, on the MacArthur Causeway, 20 miles from where the mysterious rashes appeared on students less than two weeks before, a man is attacked and partially eaten by a drug addict. When approached by police, the attacker merely growls and continues his grisly meal. Authorities ended up unloading half a clip into the man before he falls dead to the ground. The victim is still unconscious. This is, ladies and gentlemen, this is where this whole episode is coming from.

It seems the Grand Catalyst for the zombie apocalypse has occurred. A man in Miami was found nude, along with his nude victim. His victim was not nude. Oh, his victim was not nude? No. Well, they were fighting on the highway, right? Wasn't it a witness that they originally saw them fighting in the middle of the highway? They must have been homeless or adventurers.

One was homeless, the victim with who got his face half eaten off was homeless, his nose is now gone, and the beautiful naked man was high off of bath salts, or so they claim. Super virus. Interesting. But it just appears that the zombie apocalypse is upon us. Now has anyone, if you know what I would say is that, look up on your Google, on your Google bot, look up Miami face eating victim pics, and take a gander at what one man did

to another man. Now, apparently, that's what they said, is they begged him to stop eating him. He responded with a growl, which is very interesting in the fact that they even put that in the newspaper article, so when he just went like, I see it in my head just like looking at them, everyone spooked, he fucking ate a man's eye out of his head. He ate one eye, the other eye is just kind of dangling in there, kind of free floating around. Oh my god, it's fucking beautiful.

It looks amazing. It really does. I mean, this is what, this is the face of the future. Yes, this is what we're headed into, and they shot him once, he didn't stop, and then they proceeded to shoot him six times. Six solid times. Yeah, until he died. Now, they are saying that this is the residual effects of bath salts, of using bath salts

as a recreational drug. And Marcus, what are bath salts exactly? There's a lot of confusion going on about them. They're not just bed, bath and beyond, you know, nice soakers that you put down in the tub when it's your anniversary with your beautiful fat girlfriend. No, no, no, no, not at all. Bath salts are something that are being sold at head shops and convenience stores around America.

Now, legal in all 50 states? Legal in all 50 states, the only states that have introduced legislation. Listen, I don't take a bath unless I can be salted like it's a pot of pasta. You know, but I use salt salt, like real salt. Yeah, pasta. Pasta, don't do this. There are some of the names that they sell these bath salts under. Of course, they say not for human consumption on the package.

I mean, you got to say it because, I mean, I guess there's a bunch of assholes and idiots out there that just eat these things. But you know, it's the same marketing campaign, it's like, too extreme. Are you mad enough or are you a goddamn gay, too extreme beef jerky? I always get that jerky. I like too extreme beef jerky, just made out of bath salts. Taste like a man's face. These are some of my favorite street names.

There's quite a few. Ivory Wave, Purple Wave, Red Dove, Blue Silk, Zoom, Bloom, Cloud Nine, Ocean Snow, Lunar Wave, Vanilla Sky, White Lightning, Scarface, and Hurricane Charlie. Now, listen. I guess in this situation, it's really a Scarface. I think it's Scarface. But isn't that just the names of the scents? Can't you just call it like Amethyst Notion or like, you know, Winds of Mountain Time?

I just feel bad for the poor bastard who went into the head shop looking for bath salts. You want to, you know, toke some sweet in her? Damn it. Ha! Ha! Dude! Dude! I will smell nice.

Oh, I'll put bath salts in my bath. Ha! Ha! It just starts tripping balls. And apparently, so the effects are LSD combined with crystal meth, right? That's what happens to people. They say it's paranoia, intense hallucinations along with extreme energy, agitation, and after the effects have worn off, a lot of people commit suicide afterwards.

A lot of suicide. And what was happening with the fellow who ate the face off of the guy, apparently he was like burning alive from the inside, that also happened, so that's why he whipped up all of his clothes. Like the rage virus. Like the rage virus. That's what happens. A lot of times that also happens with people who overdose on cocaine or crack is that they

feel like, they literally feel like their organs are cooking inside of their body, so they strip naked. Hey, anybody else hot in here? No, I feel fine. I'm hot. Oh, man, I'm just feeling hot, hot, hot. That's why they do that. That's the sound of emitting your face.

So, okay, so this is a very zombie-like behavior. Now I think this, would you see in movies all this time, or if you want to go, let's go, let's take it all the way back to fiction zombies, right? Where it's like, a lot of times, you know, there's sort of a spiritual, mystical element into creating the zombie horde that like moves forward. I was talking to Marcus about this. The initial one was hell had too many people, it was too many folks. Well that was in the sequel to Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and the tagline

for that is, when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. I think that was just more of an advertisement spin on it. In the original Night of the Living Dead, it was a meteor, right? A meteor. Yeah, it's like some otherworldly thing, and then there's also, you know, and then there's a movie White Zombie, and there's something about it, yes, which features voodoo ceremonies in order to create zombies. And then-

You know something like the crazies, which I think they're technically zombies, right? It's a virus. It's a virus. Yeah, where a virus creates it. But I think it's happening, it's year 2012, right? We are just steam-training into the upcoming Mayan apocalypse, right? The calendar page is going to turn, what's in the other calendar page? Nothing.

Nothing. Just a bunch of fucking doodles and drawings. Death and chaos. There's nothing there. Once the calendar's over, throw out your watch and eat your friend's face, because the calendar is over, and it's starting to happen. I think we're starting to manufacture our own zombie horde. I think we're doing it to ourselves.

I think that, like, because I started, like this story, which is fucking amazing, one of the best news stories I've ever read in my life was this man eating his own face. How slow, that must have really backed up traffic. You know, like a small fenderbender will have a bottleneck for a couple of hours, but this one, I mean, because it took place on an on-ramp. Yeah, I just see some fat ass roll. No, no, no. With an on-ramp, it was a causeway.

Oh, a causeway. Yeah, yeah. You know, the ramps that people walk on to get over, because yeah, it went from the middle of the road over the causeway, and then once they got into the causeway, that's whenever a zombie pinned the guy down and started eating his face. Yeah, I just mentioned something to do just standing behind me going like, come on, you fucking asshole, I gotta be a Burger King in 70s. Learn how to use the fucking face, asshole, speed it up, quit eating his face, asshole.

So I started researching more to sort of zombies as a whole, and what people are doing in order to, like, what assimilates, like, what makes a zombie, what could appear to be a zombie? You know what I'm saying, it's like, because for all intents and purposes, this guy was a zombie. Yeah. You could just straight up say the first zombie attack. Yeah, and anyone who works in telecommunications, zombie. Zombie.

Yeah, he's a zombie. So I started reading, there's this thing, there's this drug called The Devil's Breath, right? Oh, that's great. South America. It's pretty amazing. A Vice Magazine did a great documentary series on it, and what it is, it's based off this enzyme called, like, Scapolamine, and it's also called Baratunde, or Baragunda.

Baragunda. Baragunda. Baratunde is our friend. Oh. He's a person. Baragunda. Baragunda. Sounds like a nice hello.

It is. Baragunda to you. Baragunda to you as well. Eat your face. Eat your face. Okay. Well, whatever. But, so it's this drug that can be purchased in South America that is a white powder, looks

exactly like cocaine, it can be ingested, and it can be smoked, which creates, like, hallucatory effects, but also could literally just be blown off a piece of paper into someone's face, and they lose all control of their will. Isn't this used in one of the Indiana Jones films? Was it? Didn't they blow some fucking... Well, I also found out it was a Joseph Mengele, I had it shipped into Nazi Germany when they found it, like, he had it shipped into Nazi, they were able to use for interrogations.

And the thing is, is that it makes you control someone, but also gives them wild hallucinations. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Does it give them any sort of insane strength? Um, no. It seems like it's subdued them more than these bath salts, right? Definitely a subjugation thing.

It's a subjugation thing. It's about getting, people use it in crime. So is this sort of, like, the first recorded, you know, piece of history where folks trying to make other people zombies? Actually, it goes back to, there's a place, you know, going farther back, like, zombies have been around ever since, you know, like, you've wanted, ever since people wanted to make a more efficient slave. Yeah.

You know? Because just having a regular slave is kind of hard, because you gotta beat them, you gotta, you gotta break them down, you gotta break them down, either one way or another, which is either, like, you make being a slave fun, which is hard, or you just beat them, you beat them and you beat them and you beat them and you tie them in your tray, you know, and you make them a slave. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Make them a slave. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what you're saying, but yeah. You can really move along. Yeah. Move on from this. We know what to do.

Like, we are three whites in a room. Yeah. We understand what you're saying. That's fine. It's in our blood. It's fine. Yeah. Three whites in a basement.

So, we know all about slaves. This is how slavery started. That's great. Exactly. But, yeah, that, so it started back in, like, in voodooism and, like, back in the day, voodoo oddity and Haiti. Haiti. Voodoo oddity.

The idea is, like, I don't know if anyone remembers the movie, The Serpent and the Rainbow. Yep. That's so good. But the idea of you can want to own someone, their soul will then help you have magical powers. Like, as you go on. And the more zombies you have, the more powerful you are. Oh, okay.

I want you to kind of accurate. It's true. Just have a bunch of slaves and see what you can do, you know? And a lot. There's so much stuff. Yard work. People are, like, afraid of you all the time. Don't make me a slave.

I'm like, man, you're not strong enough. Yes. There was a man named Clavius Narcissus, who was the first, I believe that's how you pronounce his name, that was found in Haiti. Basically it was this standard, he was made a slave by a combination of, like, several different poisons. Like, one was, like, a toad poison. And then there was some other plants and hallucinogen that what it does is put you in a coma.

And they buried him, they, like, put him in a coma, they buried him. And then what they do is they basically come and dig him back up, so his family thinks he's dead. And the family come, they come, they dig him back up, they administer this other drug to him. He wakes back up and he has no will of his own. And basically he was- But can you work?

I feel like you'd be extremely lazy. Yeah. He was, he was worked on their plantation, like, cutting, like, sugar cane. The cane sugar, yeah. That's what I do. Yeah, like, doing all this stuff. Oh, wow. And they just, like, what happened is that they released him, basically the farm shut

down. And it was, like, the farm shut down, and it's, like, how do you explain to the zombie- Zombie, that's just, like, eh, eh, just cutting the sugar cane, and they're just, like, no more work, zombie, sugar cane farm no more. You know what I'm- Oh, poor guy, all he wants is his work. Yeah, they just packed up everything and left, and they just found him wandering along the highway.

And they just found his brain was fried. What year was this? This was recent. I want to say this was, like, in the 70s. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So he was traumatized.

He was a traumatized young man. Traumatized. Yeah. I would call it a resume builder. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just one of those jobs where you're not necessarily proud, but you're busy. Yeah.

You know how you're getting out there? You're, you're, you're padding your resume. I mean, if he could just get a job, he would be the hardest worker, you know, in the fucking factory. Yeah. If only we could teach him how to do podcasts. If we could just have a bunch of zombies in here just doing our podcast for us while we're sipping my ties in the office, laughing it up.

These zombies are getting funnier and funnier. How informative. Yeah. They're, we could really train them well, but zombies are zombies are, so zombies are technically real. Technically. Yes. Yes.

Because this guy did swallow the flesh. He didn't just chew it off and, you know, spit it out. He ate it. But why being, why does being hot make you want to eat a person? Well, apparently I think it's just these bath salts make you want to eat a whole bunch of stuff. There was another fella, I believe this took place in West Virginia. He killed his neighbor's goat and I don't know if he nibbled on it, probably just a

little bit though, but the entire time he was wearing some women's underwear. Bath salts, man. He, he fucked it. He fucked the goat. He fucked. I read that article. He said that they ate it. He checked the goat for sexual trauma, which must have been a doctor's dream.

Hey, I'm Dr. Wilson. Can you check this goat's asshole to see if it's been raped? Sure. That'd be great. Yeah. I went to school for nine years. I'd love to do that. Here's another fun, here's another zombie-like thing about the bath salts.

Woman injected them into her arm and her arm fell off from a flesh-eating bacterium. Oh, she's an asshole. That's an asshole thing. There's also been the outbreak of... It's flesh-eating. There's the, there's been a breakout of a flesh-eating virus in Georgia's, well recently. Yeah, yeah. Like that's going on too.

Guys, it's just time to get nervous. Yeah. It's time to get nervous. It's time to get afraid. It's time to do things that you never thought you'd do. However, there is one man who got high on bath salts, broke into a house, and put up the people's Christmas lights. I saw that one.

He just put up the Christmas lights. You can definitely do good with bath salts as well. It's like the shoes, the gnomes who made the shoes. The cobblers. The cobblers. No. This is what the homeowner said. The candle was lit on the coffee table.

The television was on and very loud. He said to my son, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'll get my things and go. What are his things? What did he have to do? The beautiful Christmas lights. I love it. That's very, very nice.

Listen, man, you know, you love Christmas, I love Christmas. This whole thing just kind of sweep under the rug. Forget about it. It was November 14th. Men's jump in the gun a little bit. A little bit. But you know, you got to get there, you got to get there early. It's like, you ever see them when we scrooge and they talk about Christmas is not just

one day a year. It's a feeling. Yeah. But in perfect timing, the CDC, they just released their, what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse. This just came out on Monday, which was kind of, oh, I guess it was published initially May 18th, 2011. Whatever.

Wow, almost a year. That's a year ago, though. That's good. Yeah. They did it for, what is it? Just to get people to go to the CDC site and learn things. Well, I think that you should probably go there now because, you know, they say make the emergency kit in the house, including things like food and water and other supplies.

I mean, what do you do? What's your first step if all of these bath salt hooligans start taking over Brooklyn? Where are we going? And how are we going to defeat these monsters? Here. You're just going to come right to the creek in the cave? Yeah. All my weapons are here.

Well, we have some swords and some knives, but then again, you have a lot of editing to do. So you better be here. Well, I got a old, no, my crowbar over in the corner named after my grandma. I'm just concerned. He's always open. He always snapping open boxes. I'm concerned the crowbar is not going to get my grandmother was not alive.

She might have been. She could have been. She was a little, she was a little wild. A lot of older gals. Why Mark is coming all the way and seeing my little scissor. You don't want to see me scissor your new grandmother. You go any farther and you're going to get put on Thomas's hit list too. It's fine, man.

It's my brother. Ben's already on it. I'm on it. I'm the only one who's on it. I'm not going to make fun of your family. Tread lightly. Whatever. It's not bad.

It's grandma. There's a lesbian who cares. Whatever. Scissoring lesbians all over town. Yeah. She's dead. Well, she was a lesbian. Scissoring lesbians in Memphis.

Go inject her with some bath salt. Have her come back. She'll be great. I went and visited her grave whenever I was back in Jaten. She is under the ground. Yeah. I can't take that up. She's deep.

How deep did you bury her? Six feet. Oh, okay. It's a standard. I ain't ate it enough. Not in these zombie times. Why did we decide on six feet, by the way, as a society? It's a nice round number.

I think it's just the, it's easier than eight. Yeah. It's easier than eight. Yeah. And four isn't enough. You don't think four is enough? Uh-uh. Have you ever buried an animal?

No, man. I've never killed it in my life. Well, I didn't kill the animal, but I buried it and I didn't bury it deep enough and I buried it right outside the window of my bedroom. And man, if you do not bury something deep enough, ooh, that smell can travel through the soil. What animal did you bury? This is a dog.

Oh, it's just a dog. It's a dog. You got hit by a car. That's fine. You got hit by a car. Mm-hmm. Who was driving the car? Yeah, sure.

No, it sounds good. That sounds fine. That sounds fine. I just want to talk about making slaves more. There is also a disease that mimics zombie-like symptoms called the nodding flu. What goes on with this? In Africa, it only affects children. They think it has something to do with flies, like flies spreading infections.

Cece flies. Yeah, whatever it is. And that these kids will begin to, their brain degrades and they start, they lose any sort of ability to speak and they're like, ah, they like bite everybody. There's also been a lot of biting crimes going on. Yeah, and a lot of intestine-related crimes. Yeah, it's a story. Here's something that just happened in New Jersey yesterday.

Police say a New Jersey man allegedly cut out his entrails in front of police and then threw bits of flesh and intestines at them. Look, I made spaghetti. I made spaghetti. Even and would not stop even after the cops pepper sprayed him. Wow. It's not that bad, you know, get hit with a couple of intestines. I think I would rather have that than when you, when you're a prison guard, they spray

you down with feces and piss out of their mouths and blood and shit. I've heard that, yeah. I think I'd rather get hit in the face with some intestines. I just don't, why put pee-pee and poo-poo in your mouth? They're in prison. What else do they gotta do? I read, work out. You can't, man.

There's no lights. I mean, read and work out. Get all thrashed. Yeah. So what did they say? Was this guy on any drugs? The fella who threw his intestines around? No, he's on pure New Jersey rage.

It's just on the water. They don't say, I mean, they haven't done any talk screens on him yet, but he is alive. Even though he is disemboweled, he is still alive and the cops had to call in the SWAT team on him. Yeah. They're just like, ew. Ew, gross. Ew.

I don't want to go in there. There's guts everywhere. It's a Gallagher concert in there. Disgusting. I gotta get the fuck outta here. Going back to, fuck my wife. If I were to, the zombie apocalypse were to actually happen. I think that the key is, it seems to be happening in Florida.

It's high ground. You want to get in high ground, which is Florida is not a good place for that either. Of course this is happening in Florida. Yeah. Of course. Of all the places. Yeah. I can totally imagine the zombie, the whole zombie invasion just starting there.

And Florida's just been getting weirder and weirder. I'm afraid to go back. You know, I was talking to my roommate about this last night and he made a very good point. And he said, you know, there's something fucked up about a state whenever murder fist leaves and it gets weirder. Yeah. It's just so much weirder there. Yeah.

Florida, I just, you know, it's happening all over. Yeah. Things are getting kooky dooky. Yeah. And what are we going to do? We just got to hold, we have to hold the fort together. We're the only sane ones. I mean, I think we're kind of fucked here in New York City though.

There's no guns around. You know, and I don't think- You don't need guns. You got a crowbar, but if you're fighting a bunch of bath salt zombies, I think the crowbar's not going to be strong enough. They're mighty. They're fast. They're a bad idea most of the time, because one, you become too dependent on it and you

run out of bullets. Yeah. And two, the noise brings more zombies out, you know, you got to be, you got to be stealthed because if you're overwhelmed by zombies, it doesn't matter if you have a gun or a crowbar. Doesn't matter at all. Right. The crowbar is for going against maybe at the most three to four. Yeah.

And anything past that, you're already dead. Well, a lot of people recommend getting in a boat and going out to the middle of the ocean. But that seems a little tricky. Yeah, but what about sea sickness? Sea sickness? Lack of food? I get very nauseous on a boat.

Have y'all ever read World War Z? No, I haven't. It is amazing. Is it good? It is fucking brilliant. Was it Max Brooks, right? Yeah, Matt, strangely enough, Mel Brooks is son. Oh, yeah.

And it is one of my favorite books I've read it three times, and what it is, is that it's an oral history of the zombie war, and it starts at the very beginning, like it starts in China. And it started, like in the first interview, is with a doctor that, you know, was working in China. Oh, you tell that that man, come over here, you tell, come over here, he looks too skinny. Oh, you got DJ test, get that chicken. I should have known better.

That was good. No, it was a good accent, though. I mean, he did get chickens in there at the end, as he always does, you nailed it. And he goes to the small village, and there's this little boy that has the virus. And they bring him to the hospital, and then from there, everything goes to shit. And it's awesome stuff, like Israel has a quarantine, and they go, you know, of course, they, some of them survive. Iceland becomes what they call a white zone, meaning that it is completely overwhelmed by

zombies. There's not a single human being left there, because everybody's, you know, is like, oh, let's go to an island. Let's go to Iceland. And so, yeah, Iceland's gone completely. And there are these stories about people that are like, yeah, let's go up north. And you know, it's cold up there. They won't, you know, they won't follow us.

And then it gets up there, and it's once again, like a walking dead type situation, where it starts off all fine, and everyone's like, fucking having, having a good time. And then everybody's working for the weekend cannibalism real quick. And just all these survivors, there's like this one scene called the Battle of Yonkers, where it's all the zombies from Manhattan moving north to like upstate New York. So in this case, zombies sort of like, they, they have strategy, they strategize. Not really. It's just, you know, this kind of, like they just spread out.

And they talk about, you know, and they say, it's like nowhere safe. People out on boats just die because they run out of water, because there's no fresh water out there. Right. Like they just die. So, so what you're saying is, is everyone's fucked. We're over. We're done.

We're done. Of course they went because it's an oral history. This is my question telling the story of the zombie war. Like they've, they've won the best, the best fucking chapter of it is there is a, there's a house that they set up for all the celebrities. All the celebrities go there and they set up cameras in the house so people can watch the celebrities on their computer trying to, you know, just like hanging out and partying and all that.

And then, of course, like the zombies start coming over the wall and they say that Bill Maher and Ann Coulter were in the corner just fucking like rabbits. That's so funny. Yeah, just fucking like, yeah, and it's like one of the bodyguards telling the story. It's fucking, it is brilliant. This is my question. Right. Let's say zombies are real.

Let's say they're coming to life and let's say people are using bath salts to become zombies. Sure. Right. And then it eventually turns into sort of like a chromosomal thing or there's a virus that spreads and makes people zombies, right? Starting with a rash. Now the question is, are they the next evolutionary step?

Like have they, like is it almost like they don't seem more evolved? Well they can't reproduce. But they live longer. But they beat us. Eventually they'll die out. If they beat us, will they die out? Yeah. I mean, you could have a zombie baby.

I don't think you can have a zombie baby. No. I don't think so. Why can't zombies come? I mean, let me call a doctor. Call a doctor. I'd be like, two zombies. Two zombies.

You know, one zombie looks like a weather zombie. Hey, Dr. Wilson, can a zombie baby be more, god damn it, I'm too busy checking this goat to see if it's been right. Well, Jesus. So the doctor's busy. I don't know what happened. Because we don't know any other doctors. It just seems like they're much harder than us.

I mean, they get very weak. You know, the sun beats down on them. They seem to, you know, turn to their knees fairly quickly. Eventually they'll decompose. And there will be no more humans to convert. So once they decompose, they're gone. I don't know. I just think they could probably come.

Probably just fuck a female zombie. I don't think a zombie is going to be able to, I don't think a zombie has enough knowledge of prenatal care to bring it fully to term. Have you seen the people who will have kids in this fucking country? That's actually true. That is very true. I mean, lack of intelligence makes you what? What's that?

Do zombies fuck? I think they do. Why wouldn't they fuck? You know, they're lonely up there. If you die with a boner, and I think when you do die, aren't you supposed to get a boner immediately? No, no. You just shit yourself.

Not immediately. Okay. No, I don't think you get a boner. You do get a boner. I think you do. They call it angel lust. I'm serious. I'm 100% serious.

That's a great movie title. Angel lust. My question, I just, I've never seen or heard of someone being born, like, buried with a boner. Like, has anyone been awake and you see a boner? I mean, well, I mean, that's what I'm going to get when I'm fucking, when I'm dead. I'll get you a boner. Yeah.

No, but I want a fake dick. I'll get you one. I want a fucking huge, fucking 12-inch dick, like hanging out with my dad. Open gasket, but just the middle. Yeah. Just the fucking sweetcock area. Just like a full, like, like, the Mark Wahlberg, uh... I'm a star.

I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a star. Yeah. I'm ready to fuck. I'm ready to fuck. That's your epitaph. Yeah.

I mean, that's the thing. Henry Zabrowski. 1985, right? To 2012. I'm ready to fuck. And in fact, it's just, and it's got a little speaker on it that just says over and over, I'm ready to fuck. I'm ready to fuck.

What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? But that's the thing. Like, you were talking about with that one zombie over there in Haiti. All he wants to do is work and cut the sugarcane. If you are a porn star, you become a zombie.

All you want to do is fuck. You do what you know, right? I feel like that's in a voodoo-made zombie. If a voodoo... With bath salts is sort of a voodoo-made zombie. Yeah, but it didn't seem like he wanted to fuck. No bath salts is very hard science. Yeah, whatever.

So is voodoo. You know, there's a lot of fucking smarts. I just feel like all of the pieces to make a zombie apocalypse are there. It's just for us to put them together. We're just going to do it. Man, I can't wait till we end us. It's going to be so much fun when we end the human race. I'm tired.

Y'all ever seen porn of the dead? Uh-oh. Oh, is that the... Is this proving my fucking point? Yeah, it's a zombie horror movie. It's great. Zombie porn movie? It's zombie porn.

Yeah, the first scene is a doctor that catches a zombie. She's pretty hot and all covered in shit. And got these pretty fucking awesome... Contacts in? Contacts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he brings her out of the cage. They fuck.

It is wild and awesome. So fucking they do bang. Zombie noises while she's getting fucked? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty fucking hot. Did you jack off to this porn? Yeah.

You jacked off to zombie porn? Yeah. You also jacked off to the ET porn? No, I didn't. I did not jack off to that. But at the end of the scene, right after the guy does the cum shot, she bites off his dick. Yeah. That's actually fun.

Is that when you came? No, no, I came, like, that's the thing is I like to time it with the cum shot. So that's the trick is to come before she bites off the dick. But even so, you know, you've already came. You can time it with the cum shot? Sometimes, yeah. See, the whole point of masturbating is that it's very convenient. Yeah.

As fast as possible. See, no, no, no, I like to get into it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's good. Depends on what you have. And your day off, that's one thing. If you're in the bathroom of a very important production studio, it's another. No, it's in my, I mean, of course, it's my day off.

I don't do it whenever I'm pressed for time. Oh, whenever David Duchovny did it. Well, whatever. You know what? Come on, come on to command. What's funny is that David Duchovny, I read an interview with him about his porn career. And he said, it's like, yeah, it's a little strange whenever you're doing it, you know, that there's some guy in a hotel room trying to time his cum shot with yours.

Does David Duchovny does porn? No, he did red shoe diaries. Yeah. Well, he did some actual porn though. No. Did he? No. What's in the box?

What's in the box? He's just a dick. He was addicted to online porn. Ah. Which is a good thing to get addicted to. Yeah. Which is just like, but he's got tailioni right there. I'm already jerking off the tailioni.

I'm jerking off the tailioni right now. Oh, my fucking god. Well, if you guys were both zombies, you guys would just be jacking off in the corner the entire time. Yeah, I just mean, I don't think that. I just think that zombie would just end up watching horror movies. This is my zombie watching zombie movies, jerking off to myself. I'm telling you, I haven't lived until you've seen a zombie double penetration scene. Well, I'm going to see it later.

Check it out. No, I'm going to have Googling it now. It's going to be a fucking nightmare. Whatever. I'm glad that we ended this with a good old-fashioned zombie porn talk. Yeah, it's always good. Is there any other good... You know what?

I'd like to just quickly just say there's a couple of good zombie movies out there that you should probably check out. It's on Netflix and Sincu. You should check out The Horde. The Horde rules. And then there's City of the Dead, which is really good. Of course. And then...

What was another good one I saw recently? Mutants is kind of slow. One of my... This isn't very good. One of my favorites of the last few years, there was an American remake of it that... It was okay. But Wreck is a Spanish film. Wreck is the shit.

Yeah, they remade it. The original quarantine. Yeah, they remade it in a quarantine, but the original Wreck is fucking sick. Fantastic. It's really good. It is so good. All right, we'll go check those movies out. I think we're going to end it here.

And The Serpent and the Rainbow. Of course. See that as well. Also really solid flick. Just again, we're talking about these movies as if there's not really serious issues going on right now. And we joked around a lot on this. What was supposed to be a very serious podcast.

But you know that this is how we deal with very serious issues. Yeah. We don't know how to talk seriously. No. But I'm just trying to say, if there's anything that you wanted to do in your life, get it done now. All right? But don't go to Florida.

Fucking eat your dang face off. Yeah, don't do bath salts. If one of the things on your bucket list was to start bath salts, I'd say no. Don't do that. Don't do it. Don't do it. But anything else, if you want to go do it, go do it now because the zombie apocalypse is coming 2012, December 21st, 2012.

It may not be the minds. Maybe a zombie apocalypse. Could be. I love it. All right. That's the last podcast on the left with Marcus Parks. Henry Zabarowski. Hello.

Can we get a little Hong Kong? Oh, I'm going. I tell you what I know about zombie apocalypse. I go back to China. Oh, they put me in chains. That's sad. That's why everyone leaves there. That's the only accurate Hong Kong Henry Zabarowski yet.

Yeah, yeah. Put you in chains. Yeah. It's my best zombie character ever, Bob. Yeah. Make goose dilation. My goose dilation. Hile me.

What was the other thing that you said today? Burgundah? Baragundah. Baragundah. Baragundah. Baragundah, everybody.