Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 431: Adolfo Constanzo Part II - El Doobie's Revenge

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

It's part two of our series on the drug dealer / cult leader / serial killer that is Adolfo Constanzo. On this episode, Adolfo further assembles his motley crew of black magic cultists and the violence escalates.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Can you feel the flow of the sundry? Can you hear the cry? Of the enganga.

I can't actually. Turn up the volume. Oh, oh yes. Stop filling me with all these gross things. Oh, wow, that is the cry of the enganga. It's me, hey, um, honestly totally cool to help you with your request. Totally cool to help the prenda and the kisies kind of guide your ways. Yeah.

Go ahead, you know, I fixed that. Oh, we have another load of cum coming in. Dude, I just wish- Yeah, yep, thank you enganga. Honestly, thank you. But again, if we could just stop with the human bloods getting more caliente in here. And to be completely frank, I wish we could go back to like, skipping you ahead on the like the upgrade list for Delta.

Oh, yeah, that was nice when you did that for me. Thank you enganga. Cause I'll wait on the whole line, you know, and I'll call all the representatives. Another load of cum coming in. Yeah, you gotta trick some water or something, um, sir, uh, Polaro. I just needed to get some pineapple. Hold on a second. Here comes the squirt.

Welcome to the last podcast on the left everyone. I am Ben Kissel with Henry Zabrowski and of course, Marcus Parks. Can we call this episode? Here comes the squirt. You can't claim the title before the episode begins. All right, we have to be, how do, how are titles chosen? How do you choose the title? I usually, I choose a title, uh, through something that I think gives you a general

atmosphere for the episode, but it also tells people, Hey, this is going to be a good time. Hey, come on. Unfortunately, here comes the squirt. That comes to squirt might actually be very accurate title for this episode because we are about to go from magic to tragic. Hell yeah. Working girl. Working and indeed 11 years of recording and wow, wow, that is pinnacle stuff.

I fucking retire. Great. Um, but this is you. This is a very intense episode. I am so excited. We're going to get on to part two of Adolfo Constanzo. So when we last left Adolfo Constanzo, his client base was expanding beyond Zona Rosa locals and D list Mexican celebrities into the world of drug

traffickers who are quickly becoming his main source of income. Cartels and small time drug dealers paid Adolfo Constanzo top dollar for magical rituals related to their trade with one trafficker in particular paying Constanzo $40,000 over three years just for magical protection. I want to do a little bit of clarification up top. I get some great responses that were, uh, or practicing Padrinos slash Tatas of Palo Mayombe that wanted to help me clarify some shit that we talked about last episode.

And one thing that seems to really come across is that whatever Adolfo Constanzo was trained in, it was some form of serial killers, light version of Palo Mayombe where he was hooked up with a Padrino at a young age that essentially defied all things that are sacred about Palo Mayombe and gave them to him and kind of a unofficial, I want to say just a real like life hack. This is a shout out to Brook Van Poplin. If Brook Van Poplin on her show, true TV, you remember that network. They would tell you how the quick way to do Palo Mayombe hack, which is

not necessarily great. You know, the only life hack that I've ever remembered is if you cut a potato in half and you put it into the light bulb, you can, uh, shit does not fucking work. Well, it does. Potatoes are too hard. I've never used it. I've never tried it.

You might just win it a little bit. You remember the commercial, the life hack with the potato. Everyone remembers that. I don't remember the commercial. Palo Mayombe, thank you. But so one big thing is that in Palo Mayombe, you cannot be a member of the LGBT community and be involved as a Padrino or a Tata in Palo Mayombe.

Can't be a Tata. No, you can't be a Tata. You could be a Tito, but that's outside of the religion. I don't even know what that means. No kidding. That's not the only discrepancy. Obviously, the human sacrifice is a big no-no and everybody gets upset because the human sacrifice is a massive, you know, a flagrant insult

to the sacredness and the sanctity of Palo Mayombe. Okay. And then also it just seems like he had like a hodgepodge of learning about Palo Mayombe and mixed a bunch of shit together. So the other one that was really strange was the fact that he initiated to those two dudes, Oscar and Martin like fucking immediately, which doesn't really happen. Most people don't become a Padrino or a Tata until like 10 years

after deep into it. And then like you have to be ready spiritually ready to build an engager. So you're telling me that someone who is named the Spanish version of Adolf didn't play by the rules necessary. You're calling him a Maverick? I'm calling him indeed a Maverick. A Maverick with deadly intentions, perhaps.

Well, as we'll see again and again with Adolfo Constanzo, he'll just make people Padrinos because he for him, this is all about power. This is all about control and it's all about murder. You know, it all comes back to that. And so whatever gives him more power and whatever allows him to murder more and more easily, that's what he's going to do and that's who he's going to bring in now.

When Oprah gave away all those cars, it's loyal, loyal listeners and viewers for life. Hmm, you know what? Yes. It kind of is. Uh, but also we're going to see in this episode now he's switching. He used to be really intent on showing people that he was a

genuine wizard and he was a, you know, all powerful, all seeing Padrino, but as soon as he gets a taste of that money because he becomes addicted to the money in this episode, you're going to see because I get it, man. I love fucking I love fur coats. I guess you fell asleep with your wallet is a matter of fact. Henry was a little late getting here. Apparently the wallet was in bed with you.

Do you cuddle it at night? Yeah, just like I dream about tax demarcations and I think about my MX points. Yeah, nice. And the man who would usher Constanzo into the drug trafficking world as an actual player was Florentino Ventura Gutierrez, who was then the director of the Mexican branch of Interpol, in addition to being one of the most powerful

lawmen in Mexico. Yeah, damn. Adolfo Constanzo was hobnobbing with top officials. He was not a small time player. Well, you can be somehow, I mean, that's where it's like the magic comes in, right? Where it's like at some point, he went straight to the fucking boss of the corrupt cops.

Rasputin-esque, perhaps. Yes, it's all about confidence. But Florentino, like many law enforcement officials in Mexico, was corrupt and he paid Constanzo thousands of dollars over the years for cleansings, predictions about the future and protection against enemies on both sides of the law. Are we talking like coffee being colonics here? What do you mean cleansing?

Well, Olympia. The Olympia. Or Olympia. He hits you with the stick. You get the stick, you get caught, you get into his, you go put in his little room, his room of death, you put, they put a blindfold on you, they spit rum all over you, which you'd love.

I mean, it, it- Close your mouth. Close your mouth. No, no, no, I don't want to get the spit rum. And yeah, that's what they give you, the cleanse. Oh, okay. Well, through Ventura, Constanzo meant Salvador Alarcon, a subcommon dot federale who worked the border

between Brownsville and Texas and Matamoros in Mexico. Matamoros being where Constanzo would commit his most heinous crimes later on. As soon as he saw that Matamoros connection, he knew, he's like, cause that's where the big drug money was. It was cause now he's been kind of rolling little dealers. And it's really strange. It happened very fast.

He went from being a fortune teller in a strip mall deep in the Mexico city to immediately robbing drug dealers. What's a big job? That is a big job. And they say that the part of the connection is there's been a secularization of Palo Mayombe that goes into the Santa Muerte thing, right? Whatever the Santa Muerte religion is, it's highly secular.

They really view it as like, I put money in, I get money out. Like this is a tool and what they kind of have done with whatever Adolfo Costanzas Padrino was, it shows this line of thought where he knew immediately, it was always kind of half a scam. It was always about money and Santa Muerte to them was just a practical use of ancient magic to get shit over on cops and other drug dealers.

Well, look at, look at what happens with, with sneakers. Aren't they all the same? It's magical thinking that makes them different. No, there's different designs and fit. See, yes, but they're really quite similar. They all go on your feet. I have a summer lighter shoe. I got my heavier winter shoes.

I got the dynamic colors and I got black colors when I have to wear only blacks. You know, there's a whole difference and then some things are just fun. It's just a fun shoe because it's got a spooky ghost on it. I know. Shoes as ghosts on it the other day. Oh, right.

You started this. You are continuing it. Let's get back to the blood. Please. Now, according to reports, Costanzas contact Salvador looked like your stereotypical bad motherfucker. He'd been cut down the middle of his face with a knife years before, but instead of dying, he now had scars that made it

appear as if he had three different faces. Dude, this whole episode is like a fucking Tarantino movie. I love it. And even before Costanzo came on the scene, Salvador was already witchy, believing that each of his three quote unquote faces were possessed by a different spirit. One, he believed was a Sue warrior. Another was a murderer from Cuba and the third was an African

witch that must have been a really interesting fight to have at dinner just with all three of those personalities. Yeah. How do you get everybody on the same page? It does sound like the spaghetti. Oh my God, I want human blood. It sounds like the waiting room in Beetlejuice. Oh, it really does.

And supposedly upon meeting Salvador, Constanzo recognized all three spirits immediately. And once he named each spirit, Salvador was sold. This is my new guy. All right. And seeing his value, Constanzo quickly initiated Salvador as a Polaro and carved the symbols of Siete Rayos, one of the Palameumbe gods, into Salvador's shoulder.

Oh. Adolfo Constanzo's main deity he worshiped was Cádiz and Fembe, which is the version of the devil in Palameumbe. So he was like, he's kind of like Richard Ramirez, where there are if he didn't brutally murder and torture so many people, you could almost call him like a poser in Palameumbe where he's very much into the ACDC of Palameumbe going into all of the shit talking about the devil and darkness because

most of the other Tatas I was speaking to, they talk a lot about balance, where his whole thing was like, you will give up your soul. You will give him to Cádiz and Fembe. You will be an empty vessel for my vile forties. What if I just don't? Well, I just, man. I gotta go.

You ruined my Saturday, dude. Interesting. So after the initiation, Salvador became Constanzo's man on the inside when it came to both law enforcement and drug traffickers and Constanzo's reputation as a man who could ensure successful drug deliveries only grew. But this shows what Constanzo was really good at was reading people and he was really good at being a fortune teller in just

in terms of like, he could read you, he could tell you all your shit. When he saw the guy with the scar with the three window pains. But it is easier to read somebody with massive scars and just be like, it's been rough, it's been rough for you. It's like someone is just like pretty normal and you don't know they're really into gaping BDSM.

Yes, that's tough. That's a flip. That's a boom flip it moment. But this guy flip it. He saw. He was really good at fortune telling. Yeah, he wasn't really a con man. He was a really good.

That's what a con. That's what a fortune teller is a con man. Yeah. And but sometimes there's three nipples like a mall rats. Remember that when she ate the nipple? Yes. Was that more? I think so.

Anyway, that's all rats. Yeah. But then he but he immediately knew. I don't really know. And I know that if I'm fucking with drug dealers, I have to provide results. Yeah. So would he understood?

Well, he would do it. He had this new group of like he had this like burgeoning cult all staring at him. And the first thing he says, he's like, well, now we got a man on the inside so it can really tell these drug dealers what's going on. And they're all like, what about all the magic? And he's like, this helps the magic.

It definitely does. Scary business. Well, Constanso would bless a shipment and the more loads that went over the border without incident, the more Constanso's reputation was solidified. And the bolder Constanso got with the claims about what he could do. Just cut to the border agent taking out his pocket knife

poking into the loge. Just be like, come. Yep. Yes, indeed. It's more Mexican come across the border to impregnate our children. He started this. I'm sorry.

It's been a long week. And since traffickers were weighing losses of millions of dollars for a seized shipment of cocaine versus Constanso's relatively smaller fee, Constanso started charging the big bucks for his services. However, the more shipments Constanso was able to get through, the more he started to think that a much larger piece of that drug pie should belong to him.

Sure. So he asked Salvador to introduce him to potential partners. And this shows his real power because I don't know if you've ever met a drug dealer, but they don't like normally. They're not super into the question of like, where you get the shit from? Where are you getting this from?

Yeah, they don't like that. What's the name of the guy that you get this from? Where do you get it? Steward. It's his name. Druggie Dave. Druggie Dave. Druggie Dave.

Speaking to the flower. Speaking to my enormous. Isn't it? Oh, look at that. It's a, yeah, it's plastic. Yeah. That's what happens when your last words on this earth will be muffled by a heavy bag.

Me and the cops all in the van outside. Just listen. Should we go now? Yeah. It sounds like he's just, he must be in the bathroom or something. That's what he's grunting. Pretty soon, Constanza was introduced to the Calzada family. The Calzadas had originally been in the fire extinguisher

business, but when they reached the profit ceiling on that, they found that hiding cocaine in their products was a perfect cover to get drugs over the border. Fucking shark tank. So they're, were they fire? Were they part of the fire department? What do you mean the fire extinguisher business? They sell fire extinguishers.

They made, they made, someone has to make fire extinguishers. They just sold one thing? Yeah. Yeah. How many fires? It's not like the my, the my pillow guy only sells pillows. You're not yelling about him. No, he also sells, now he sells mattress tops.

To be fair. He was forced to do that by the market. Yes. Okay. All right. They're in the fire extinguisher business. I get it. Now, even though Guillermo Calzada, the head of the family, was a

hard and suspicious man. Constanzo was still able to gain his trust because Constanzo, the consummate con man, was usually able to persuade almost anyone of almost anything. Yeah, man, you got to come up from under, especially with the drug dealer. You have to come up and say like, you know, I understand. This is a complicated business.

Tough times. And a complicated business needs complicated runes. I have so many different runes that are going to tell you where all the weeds going to go. And I tell you what, a lot of it's going to end up in a joint. Hear me out. They've been doing cocaine through their nose for a long time. What about up the butt?

Up the butt cocaine. What if we flip it? Boom, flip it. Listen, all we got to do is make a big enough pile of it and people sit on it. We need to make pants illegal. Well, Dolpho very confidently offered to become Calzada's magic guy, saying that he'd perform cleansings and protections while also

determining when and where large shipments of cocaine were to change hands, which was a highly dangerous game to play, but he played it well. Okay. I mean, it could be that Constanza was preternaturally gifted at the drug game or it could be that old three face was the real brains behind the operation, considering his connections, both the law enforcement and the underworld.

What it seemed to be is that he'd get information from three face and then he would go and to confirm it, he would do a ritual where he'd throw the bones, he'd do all this kind of stuff and he'd be like, yep. The line is blue. Okay. But regardless of the source of Constanza's information, he was right again and again. The shipments were getting through and the Calzada family was thriving,

but unbeknownst to them, Constanza was also paying attention and absorbing everything he could about the drug trafficking business. Yeah, because the guy used him as a confidant. So we told him all the inner workings of how the business goes and he did do the thing because eventually Constanza, because it's not about you can't ask it like, where do you get this from? You have to go, in your all consuming wisdom, tell me, how does the sangria flow?

Do you have to sell it? Yeah, I'll tell you anything you want to know if you ask it like that. Well, after establishing his reputation with the Calzadas, Constanza got a little too overconfident and demanded a 50-50 split of the Calzada drug empire in exchange for further magical protection. And to this, the senior Calzada emphatically said, no. And naturally, Constanza, not used to hearing no, flew off the fucking handle and started yelling that Calzada had to accept his offer, that he had

no choice, to which Calzada said, get the fuck out of my office. The way they described it was like a temper tantrum. It was just like, you cannot do this to me, I am a wizard, I am the strongest man in the world, I did not get a single bit of ketchup or beans on these clothes today, you already know how difficult it is. And then finally, Calzada looks at him and says, get the fuck out of here, he'll kill you. And Constanza, according to his diaries, because a lot of information we have

come from his magic diaries. One thing that good Badrinos do and any good magical practitioners keep extensive diaries where you talk about your rituals and how they all came out. I mean, I would avoid mentioning all the crimes. Oh, and it was thorough in there. But he basically said, it reminded him when he was rejected as a boy for being different, for being tall and beautiful. It's not easy.

When you're just delicate and they all, I guess they tortured him or something. And he reverted. And he didn't like that. He didn't like that at all. Yeah, I mean, this failure was terribly humiliating to Constanza. And in response, he became more ruthless, more violent towards his followers and more concerned with the acquisition of wealth, cars, jewels, and especially white suits.

He's like Jay Leno. Yeah, more cars. I hear he's a regular guy. Regular guy. He sits on a couch. He comes in here. He's got his car magazines. Jay Leno.

He's like, you want me? He's a regular guy. Yeah. Constanza also began buying houses and apartments all over Mexico City with the assistance of cult member and real estate agent Francisco. And Constanza bought fancy cars that he'd used to reward followers who'd pleased him. Now, most of that was paid for by magic.

But as the greed increased, this cult, who remember, this cult was not made up of criminals at all in the beginning. They began to focus more and more on straight up drug trafficking. They just became a merch company. Right. All of a sudden, they realized, like, because he was not getting the respect that he wanted. He wanted more magical powers.

But then at some point, he just switched it. And he's just like, you know what I'll take instead is money. Yeah, all the drug money. Yeah. Of course. I mean, this is actually the way Constanza did all this. It's fairly similar to Charles Manson, where the early followers of Adolfo Constanza were not criminals in any way whatsoever.

They were just people who were into magic, who were into fortune telling that he seduced. He was fucking most of them. He was fucking most. Yeah. He seduced them both spiritually and physically. And before they knew it, they were doing whatever the fuck he wanted. Would you say of all the cults we've covered this, because this is more

of a mini cult versus like a full on big old cult. Would you say that this was the most consensual sex had within a cult in a while? Oh, I mean, the Manson family had the most consensual sex of anybody else. You're right. I'm sorry. How dare I? How dare I? Yeah.

How dare I? Definitely more than children of God. You're right. Lord Almighty. Not consensual. Not at all. You're right. You did that to me.

That was four years ago. That was the one who pumped it into my brain. I didn't just research that on my own. Isn't that weird? Four years ago, like this week, that we were covering that story. Wow. Well, in 1987, Constanzo and his followers posed as DEA agents and rated the office of a dentist who also happened to be a coke dealer.

Cool. I really want to go to Mexico. Man, fine. That's fun. Going up, you ever had Dr. Zazz? He's fucking incredible, dude. I tell you what though, but I ended up giving him $25,000. We're starting this like whole IPA farm is what he called.

Really? Yep. It's an outside bar where you can ride a cow to where all the IPAs are. He has over 175 IPAs on tap. I think you got sold a wrong bill of goods there, buddy. I think it's a false bill of goods. IPAs grow in canisters in fun Portland. We're calling it Farty Hills.

I would go to Farty Hills in a heartbeat. Well, Constanzo and his followers beat the dentist within an inch of his life. What? He took a whole cocaine stash and used the drug money to buy Constanzo a new condominium. He jumps right in. He's like, fuck it. We're bustin' knees. We're doing an old school.

Constanzo then got into smuggling and made $100,000 on a shipment of coke bound for Miami. But all the while, Constanzo hadn't forgotten about the magic that had bound his followers so close. And he certainly hadn't forgotten about Guillermo Calzada. Eventually, Constanzo decided that Calzada had to suffer for refusing his offer. So he asked his followers, Martin and Omar, if they were interested in trying a new type of quote-unquote ritual. Do I get to be on top then? No, always on the bottom, Omar. But first, Constanzo had to regain Calzada's trust.

He returned to the drug kingpin and asked for forgiveness, claiming that his formerly brash and insulting behavior was the result of an evil spell cast by a rival wizard. Aw, man. You could always say that every time you have a bad tweet from that one, you just say like, oh, some rival spell from an evil wizard. I don't know what the hell was going on. Or it was the shitload of cocaine I'm doing. Although he did not do cocaine, did he? No, he did not touch his supply. No.

Okay. But Constanzo said that he could make all of this right with one simple ritual. He told Guillermo Calzada that if Calzada was amenable, Adolfo would perform a cleansing ceremony for every high-ranking member of the Calzada family, free of charge. That's huge. That's pretty big, yeah. It's like a $20,000 value there. That's a lot of fake stuff. Honestly, so much fake stuff, you have to get 10 holes in your punch card normally to get that.

And take a long time. Yes. Unfortunately for Calzada, he agreed. He gathered his wife, his mother, his maid, his bodyguard, his business partner, and his secretary in his home at Constanzo's direction. And Constanzo showed up with a crate of eggs and a couple of chickens. I mean, this is wild, dude. Uh-oh. He arranged that Calzada's in a circle and lit candles, then began chanting.

He appealed to the Orishas for strength, he called for Siete Rayos to strike down his enemies, and just as he reached the climax, the real ritual began. They said the first thing you notice is that as he spanned in a circle, right, so as he spun in a circle, like, contorting and shit, and he was screaming about his enemies. And every single time he said enemies, he'd point at them. Like, he'd point at the people in the circle. And they said for a second, everyone's just been like, why are you pointing at me? I'm on your enemy. And apparently they were the main show. Wow, it's never good if someone shows up with a bunch of eggs and chickens, be very, very nervous.

Constanzo raised the machete in the air, and at that moment, Martin and Omar burst into the room with submachine guns and erased the entire Calzada crime family in a matter of seconds. Damn, and not one egg was broken. They got fucked on their own, and they ended up getting all smished and smashed, but that was a part of the ritual because the ritual just began. Because some of them weren't killed immediately. Some of them were saved. He shot the bodyguard, but they saved Mr. Calzada. Was brought to him immediately. Meanwhile, they're all throwing up and shit.

All the other people doing the ritual because they haven't killed anybody yet. So this is their first one, and they just jump right in with the spraying everybody with fucking machine guns, like I said, fucking Dick Tracy scene. Damn. Now, one thing Constanzo's cult excelled at was crime scene cleanup. And when the cops investigated the sudden disappearance of the Calzadas, they couldn't find any real evidence that a mass murder had taken place, although they really kind of looked that hard. Yeah, I mean, what is the other option? An entire family just disappeared. Well, they have the same rationale as always.

When they look at these bunch of drug dealers all dead, they're like, yeah, something happened. Something definitely happened because they were used to shit happening. And most of the time it's stuff that they also aren't supposed to see or like know about, or they do know, or they like knew about it like way months beforehand. And they actually are, it's weird to be surprised. So I think at some point they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, this happens. This is how they, this is how they talk. Yeah, it definitely does happen. But about a week later, the bodies began washing up on the riverbanks of the Rio Zupongo north of the city.

The first bodies to appear were the bodyguard and the secretary, and the cultists had terribly mutilated both of them. They'd cut off the bodyguards' toes, ears, and fingers, and had shoved rolled $20 bills into the empty sockets on his hands. They'd also shot him, bludgeoned him, and castrated him. As far as the secretary went, her neck was cut so deep she was almost decapitated, and the heart had been removed from both of their bodies. Then the next week, the other five bodies showed up as well. This is where they say there might have been some evidence of the fact that they had been held for a little bit, and that they killed a couple of people up top, and then everybody else they kind of worked on.

Well, if you're a cop, all you gotta do is go around the town and have people turn out their pockets and see if there's any toes in there. I mean, we're looking for someone with ten toes in their pockets. The truth, honestly, is you gotta check the shoes. You gotta just find the toes. You find the toes, you found the killer. Yeah, those are not toes. There's a small finger. We don't need Italian cops around here. Well, fingers, toes, hearts, and sexual organs were missing on all the bodies, including those of Guillermo Calzada. Throats were slashed, chests were hacked open, the spinal column had been removed from one of the bodies,

and the brains had been removed in two more. I think you're having a lot of fun that day. And according to Constanza's followers, these body parts had all been removed in the service of magical ritual, making the Calzada crime family the first humans to be fed to Adolfo's increasingly bloodthirsty Inganga. No! But the Inganga don't want that. The Inganga in the Inquisi inside of it is just a lonely spirit looking for communion. It's really excited to have someone to communicate with.

And a lot of times, if you do some form of human sacrifice to the Inganga, it can say no. We can say no. Apparently it goes silent. I don't know what they mean when they say it says yes or no. So we don't like the brains. We know. We don't like the brains. It gets mad about the brains. It's too caliente. But think about this. You went from just running a fortune teller business. Now you got a little bit of drug dealer, and then it was like two weeks later, you were mutilating and sacrificing. Seven people?

It's a big jump. At this point, it is him, Martin, and Omar. It's him and his two right hand guys. You know, essentially his boyfriends at this point, because they've got a throttle thing going on. Oh, very Joe Exotic. Interesting. Now during the subsequent investigation into the Calzada murders, Constanzo's name never even came up. And he took this as a sign that he could choose a new, more violent path on the way to what he believed to be true power. And so about a month after Constanzo allegedly fed the Calzada family to his Nganga, he got a line on an even bigger cartel fish through Salvador Vidal, old Three-Face,

because Three-Face was now working full-time in Matamoros. Now Constanzo knew since Matamoros was a border town that swelled every gear with spring breakers, it was ripe for opportunity. So he directed Three-Face to find him a crime family he could control. Man, where's the real movie on this? I want to see this movie. And before long, Salvador had the Hernandez family. But the problem with the Hernandez family was that Constanzo thought they were too powerful to take head on if Constanzo eventually wanted to gain control, because that was the whole plan. The plan is find a drug cartel family, find someone who already has the infrastructure worked out,

and then Constanzo would little by little take control, and then he would have essentially a private army. It's a fucking hostile takeover. He wanted to go and he, because it's interesting, because he, it's, that's where, I don't know if I'd ever call him smart, but I definitely call him brutally cunning, and we did know is that you need all the trappings in there. You know how hard it is to get the cocaine guy? Right. It's gotta be difficult to call, you can't just cold call Columbia.

No, you gotta, you gotta catch him. Well, since the Hernandez family was too powerful to just show up and say hey to, Constanzo needed an introduction of some point, some leverage, someone who would vouch for Constanzo's powers, that, you know, a person that the Hernandez family could trust, and he also needed someone that could help and Constanzo's grab for power. That woman was Sarah Aldredi. In time, Sarah Aldredi will become one of Adolfo Constanzo's closest confidants, his Madrina, but in 1987, all Constanzo cared about was the fact that she had, in the past,

dated Elio Hernandez, now the head of the Hernandez crime family. Oh man, 1987, so many shoulder pads we're not talking about in this story. Filled with cocaine. Yeah. As far as how they met went, Sarah was driving with her sister and her dad's Impala in late July of 1987. Cool. Suddenly, a Crown Vic passed their car, made a U-turn in the middle of the street, and began driving towards her head on in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Oh wow, is it gonna be a collision? With love? Fucking torture murder, if you call it love. Sarah slammed on the brakes, and when the Crown Vic stopped as well, Adolfo Constanzo, handsome, dashing, and dressed in an immaculately clean white suit, stepped out. It's the big heavy chains too. He loved the big gold chains, big fur coats, and at that point, he just fucking, he cut a visage. That was very, very interesting, because he was also very tall. He is one hot dog away from looking homeless now.

That's the problem with the white suit. You get one ketchup stain on that, you aren't done. Sarah was six foot one, she was a volleyball champion. She was very beautiful, very, she just stuck out in a crowd, and so when he saw her, they kind of couldn't handle each other, because also you're in the middle of traffic. So they was like building up a huge line of people honking. Get out of the way! But he just kind of, she said, the words that she used was he enfolded out of the car like a cougar.

And he came out, and he kind of positioned himself on the hood with his like hand on like the heel of his, with his head on his hands, just going like, I have to be with you. Get out of the way! I have to be with me. They're yelling, but guess what man, this is how it is, because Sarah kept, she was like, not done. I don't have to be with you, and he's just like, yes you do, you have to be with me. And then eventually someone in the traffic was like, get in his car already! Absolutely.

And she just forces like, okay. Somebody's driving a Mongoose. Yeah, and within an hour, she was his. Like he completely and totally entranced her. And over the next two weeks, she spent every day with Adolfo, relentlessly pursuing her new infatuation with love letters. Despite the fact that Constanzo very clearly told her, I'm in a truffle with Martín and Omar, not interested,

but that just made her want him more. It's very interesting because he... Very Jody Arias-esque almost. He tried to lay the game on her saying like, we have to be together. We're going to be together spiritually and physically. And he was like, your boyfriend is going to break up with you. And she's like, what are you talking about?

I have a boyfriend, he would never break up with me. He loves me. And then she gets a call from her boyfriend saying, I got to break up with you. Turns out he's fucking sending goons. All this shit talking, how do you get a boyfriend? It's how you get a girlfriend. But he had to lay on this whole thing and be like, this is the thing. I'm kind of bisexual.

I don't think you kill the other relationship that the person has. You don't kill someone's boyfriend to get a girlfriend. They didn't kill him. They just said like, A, it'd be a good idea if you left, Sarah. Yeah, because the fucking Marco Satanistas have shown up. And that's when you go, respectfully, I bow out. Okay. Now, first, Constanzo told Sarah that he was a lawyer named Alejandro

on a vacation to Mexico City. Every day. Then he told her he was an undercover cop investigating her boyfriend. And that he actually let her believe for months. But eventually he started layering in magic. I love this story. When he and Sarah started jogging together every morning. I want to start breaking because this is how it starts, right?

Because Adolfo Constanzo was not a sporty guy in any way, shape, or form. I think you can imagine it at this point. He seems kind of sporty, tall, thin. He's just got, he has no, he is a very fabulous, insane person, right? He is not a, he's not, he does not exercise. So at some point. He's got Keith Ranieri body. Yes.

Oh, not good. Not good. He is a magical practitioner. He is not a basketball player. So at some point she was like, well, if you want to hang out with me, she was trying to play it like kind of like, you know, let's see how this goes. And she was like, well, you know, I go jogging in the morning. So you would have to do that.

And he's like, that's funny because all I do is yug in the morning. And she was like, okay. So normally he shows up because he has this fucking big white fur coat, big heavy chains, you know, white, all this kind of shit. But then when they show up to jog, she's in her gear. And he shows up in all white gear, right? White shirt, white little short shorts, brand new white trainers, but he's still wearing the huge chains.

And they just start jogging together. Gotta look good. Yeah. But once they started jogging, he never broke a sweat. Never got tired, no matter how far they ran. She actually gave up first. Wow. And when she asked him how this was possible, he said, quote,

I never get tired. It's because of my religion. Is that fucking cool? Have you ever tried to work out with someone you have a crush on? Like go with the idea of do anything physical? Because it is fun to try to do something physical. And then the key is you have to take one big breath in at the very end to appear as if you're not tired.

You go, yeah, it was actually a really good day. Like you just hold in the breath for a long time. Working out is something you got to do alone. Some people like working in couples. I don't know. No, no, don't like it. Well, after that, Adolfo began introducing soothe saying through tarot cards while making sure to splash a little chicken blood on top for appearances.

Had to make it a little bit special. And the readings Constanzo was doing were blowing Sarah's fucking mind. In the most consequential reading, he told her three things. She would receive money for school from a surprising source. An old friend she hadn't seen in years would give her a call. And a few weeks after that call, an ex-boyfriend would call with a problem. Now this is classic fortune teller scam. Because this stuff is like, this is pretty open-ended.

And you can interpret this shit in many different ways. Right. And sure enough, within days, she got a letter from her college saying she'd qualified for a scholarship that she hadn't applied for. And a childhood sweetheart called to ask if they could come visit Sarah and Matamoros. Two out of three. Not bad. And for Sarah, these two predictions coming true were enough to make her a believer in Adolfo's powers.

Even though she still thought at this time that he was an undercover cop. It's weird because cops were, you know, so often on the dime. You kind of get, you kind of assume that he's also kind of half crooked too. Right, right. But when Sarah called Constanzo to tell him that his prognostications were coming correct, he said, quote, The truth is, Sarah, I am a witch. Whoa, that's a hell of a reveal.

But the whole time being like, so is that like a job? That would be my response. Yeah, what does it all mean? You make money doing that or? Seems like he's doing quite well with his white jogging suit. But as it turned out, Adolfo had just done his homework. Seeing that Sarah could be a connection to the Hernandez drug family, Constanzo had three-face investigate and research Sarah.

And from there, it was a cakewalk to predict all of her patterns. Oh my God, he trusted on pumpkin head once again and pumpkin head came through. It's really true. But he, this is where, more than any of our magical con men that we've covered in the past, he really is heavy on the con. And he understands that in order to get somebody's trust, you got to be right on the money at the very top. I think in a way, I call him, it's smart.

It's playing. In a way, it's smart, yeah. You have to premeditate these things in order to get a lock and he needed a madrina. It sounds like so much more worth in going to college, getting a degree in business, working the markets. I never understand con people because that's just the truth. It's just so much easier to become an accountant. Yeah.

But there was one more prediction that needed to come true. Eventually, Adolfo revealed to Sarah that the ex-boyfriend that was going to call her was Elio Hernandez. And when he called with his problem, she should tell him that her friend Adolfo would be more than happy to help. In the meantime, Sarah had gone all in with Constanso. She soon had her own altar at home and was doing rituals with the cult, president of the soccer booster club at her college by day,

and worshiper of Cadian Pimbe by night. Can you not trust anyone? This is a real version of, like, again, this is a movie. Think about this shit. You are just a normal, very beautiful college girl doing your everyday shit because they also thought that at this point. She's a soccer booster. But she was highly normal and she was doing really well in school.

But then you find out she was doing Palo Mayombe rituals at night to get good grades, which again is harder than doing homework. They would fucking mutilate animals all night and then go back and you would eventually see her with the beads. She was wearing the Palo Mayombe beads and sometimes they would be normal and sometimes they'd be all smeared with, they were like, that must be paint. Which I think is, we all know maybe the difference between blood and paint and I think you just have to be like, yeah, that's paint, right?

It's like paint if you painted with blood. Yes. Yeah. And people started, they did start to notice weird things about Sarah. She would tell little lies that didn't seem to really mean anything. Like she would show up wearing a neck brace and say, I crashed my car yesterday and then she'd show up the next day with no neck brace and her car would be fine, not a scratch on it and say, oh, the accident wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

She's like Andy Kaufman. Yes. Performance artist perhaps. Well, that was the problem. I said she was hurting herself doing the twitching and converting of the Palo Mayombe rituals. She was literally getting physical injuries from pretending to be possessed. Okay. And before she knew it, Sarah could chop the head off a chicken and one smooth stroke.

And once the indoctrination was complete, Adolfo placed her in one of the highest ranking possessions one could have in a death cult. Sarah became the honeypot. Did you say she could be head of chicken with one stroke? I just found my new wife. Yeah. I did like how when Marcus said honeypot, he did the little come hither motion, which is what they teach of what you're supposed to do.

I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear about it. You literally did the... Also, where did you get taught that? Look it up. Look at Cosmo. How to finger a woman. Do they get the...

Can they make the sounds? Come here. Yeah, you go... Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape. Does Eek the cat just eat in the cartoon telling you how to do it? Cut your fingernails, fellas. That's all I'm going to tell you. Oh my goodness.

Meanwhile, Adolfo was at the very least pretending to be excited about Sarah romantically. He even called his mother to tell her about the new girl, but did it in a way that no one could find even remotely romantic. See, even after Adolfo became El Padrino, leader of a drug dealing murder cult, he still talked to his mother in a childlike baby voice. And calling his mom about Sarah, he said, quote, Mommy, I met that girl who was born the same day as you. We're in love, Mommy.

Aren't you supposed to be a killer or something? Why are you like that? She's my mommy's favorite killer. Mommy's biggest fan is killer. How do you like this? Oh, Mommy, I get so big when they make the murder happen. Oh, God. All right.

But it's weird because that's what he... The main thing that Sarah notices is that he never asked about her and he never gave a fuck. He was what they always talk about when you read about magical studies. You get like a smugness and a luthiness where you believe that you have powers beyond human comprehension. So you are separate from human kind. So he didn't care about Sarah's bullshit in any way, shape, or form. But at some point he asked her what her birthday was.

And when she said it's this day, he's like, that's my mommy's birthday. And he went and called and immediately being like, this is incredible. It's magic. You guys get to all love me the same way because you're all the same birthdays. He's like Roy Cohn, if he was a drug dealer, in that he loved his mom very much and he would call her and talk to her even as he was getting plugged by many, many men. Cool. Yeah, Roy Cohn.

So by October of 1987, three months after first meeting each other, Sarah was fully under Constanzo's control. He told her who to talk to, what she could do, and where she could go. And it wasn't long before she finally realized that maybe Constanzo wasn't actually a cop. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds very controlling and that can't be fun. Unless of course you have a lot of fun and you're like fart, like make it fun. You know, and then you make people have a good, like have a good time now.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, if he was the Toys R Us version of Apollo, my own mate. Like if he could make people just fart on command, that would be the best thing on the face of plenty. He'd be president. Yeah, although I somewhat foolishly assumed that Adolfo was bisexual, I can now say that he was in fact gay. And this is evidenced by his behavior towards Sarah.

It was said that when he kissed her, it was in a quote unquote, brotherly manner. And the intercourse was both infrequent and brief. I just have never kissed Jackie in a brotherly manner. You may have been a sketch or two. No, never once and lips never touch as brothers. Angelina Jolie and her brother, they used to have sex with each other, didn't they? Look how hot they are. Yeah, that makes sense.

I think that's a rumor. I don't know if we should be substantiating it. They did kiss each other. No, no, they did not have sex with each other, but they did get very romantic on the red carpet. I mean, that's just, there's footage. And there's a family photo of them of where she's wearing that like see-through white, like A-top, I guess that's what we have to call it now, where you could just see her big pokey nipples.

And she's like, her brother's just like smashed up next to him. And I don't even like touching Jackie's arms. And then John Voight is just like talking about how George W. Bush isn't a war criminal. I don't know what he apparently stinks. John Voight? Yep. Really? Huh.

Physically smelling. I could see him. I could see him smell like a diaper. Like a diaper. Yeah. Yeah. Big ol' Voidy diaper. But Dut Dolfo, Sarah was a means to an end.

And it wasn't long before Elio Hernandez, the entire motivation behind her recruitment, reached out to his ex-girlfriend. All right. Now, the Hernandez family had been in the drug trade for about a decade at this point. And they'd gotten into the business through almost pure happenstance. In the late 70s, a marijuana trafficker named Juan Abrego somehow managed to get a whole truckload of weed stuck in the mud near the Hernandez farm. And Saul Hernandez, Elio's older brother, pulled the weed truck out of the mud with his tractor.

This is fun. That's a scary day for a fucking drug dealer. The truck driver just being like, they're never going to believe I got it stuck in the mud. They're going to kill me. My head's already off my body. You just call in AAA and just being like, it's oregano. It's oregano salesman. So you're not going to believe this, boss.

So about the weed? Yo, it was raining yesterday. It's got all money in the street. I do not believe in mud. God damn it. Oh, I'm so dead. Well, to return the favor, Juan Abrego gave Saul a low-level position in his cartel as a delivery grunt. But after an assassination attempt, Saul was promoted to bodyguard.

And before long, the Hernandez family was the go-to crew for the dirtiest and riskiest jobs. So he almost got killed and they gave him a more dangerous job? Well, he volunteered for bodyguard. Okay. He said, I can do it better than that guy did. If I was there, you would, the assassination attempt wouldn't even happen. Okay. Isn't this how Herman Cain got to the top of Godfather Pizza?

Oh, maybe. Maybe. Didn't he find a truck that was filled with pizza stuck in the mud and he'll pull it out? RIP. However, Saul Hernandez was gunned down in January of 1987. And it was for this very reason that Elio had called Sarah. As it turned out, Saul had been the brains of the whole operation and Elio was having a bit of a hard time filling his brother's shoes. And really, we don't know for sure, but it could be that Adolfo Constanzo orchestrated Saul's death behind the scenes while also manipulating Sarah,

truly playing chess with the lives of others. Honestly, if he did do that, he is a wizard. I mean, he really is. He was an absolute psychopath. Absolutely. But psychopaths tend to do well in the drug business. And Adolfo Constanzo was a fucking, I mean, no matter what else he is, he was a genius when it came to the cartel game, at least until he started believing in his own bullshit.

You know what he kind of reminds me of is a low level cartel Dick Cheney where he's very manipulative and he understands about pulling the strings of human beings very well. There was something about, I think the years of fortune telling must have taught him a lot about human nature and what people want because they come to you. And all you have to do is guess when you're a fortune teller, you're obviously in search of something or missing something or needing something. And then as soon as you unlock it, people just fucking spill their guts. You get to learn the inner workings of all sorts of these. I remember that when Borat tricked Adolfo Constanzo into talking to him and signing his milkshake. He was putting the microphone back in his pants. Yes, indeed.

Thus, when Elio called Sarah, talking about all the problems he was having, trying to run a small drug cartel, everyone is dying around me. Think about how hard it is to get promoted to boss when the boss gets fucking murdered. I don't know if I want to be the boss! Travis, if it happens to us, you have to step up to the mic. This is how this goes, unfortunately. You already lost to the mic. Well, when he called with those problems, Sarah was locked and loaded with tales of Adolfo Constanzo's magical prowess. And within a month, Elio agreed to give magic a chance.

Oh no. But if Sarah was to control Elio, Constanzo needed to have complete control over Sarah. So, using yet another ritual, Constanzo fed Sarah's soul to Codion Pimbe and made Sarah Eldredi his madrina and the caretaker of the cults Nganga. That's a lot. That's a big ol' mean baby. That's a lot, yeah. Here's kinda how the ritual went. After spraying her with a cheap Mexican liquor known to cause brain damage and covering her in both chicken and goat's blood, which was an experience Sarah described as vaguely erotic,

Constanzo brought out the knife. Wow, he just guessed correctly, though, with her. Sarah was downed for the fucking clown. I guess. He then carved a series of X's and crosses on her shoulder and declared that her soul was dead, that she was one of them, and that her deity from that point forward would be Ocean, master of money, love, and sex. Ooh, with all those X's and Y's on her back, I would have declared her a math problem.

Hmm. You think about algebra. It's simple. Sometimes stories are simple, and jokes can also be simple. That was technically a math joke. I don't know what it was. But Sarah didn't have sex with Elio, who obviously still had feelings for her. Instead, she turned on the flirt button, and eventually she convinced Elio to join the cult without having sex with him once.

Oh! After Elio's ceremony, he and Adolfo went to Veeps and had hamburgers while discussing the future of the Hernandez drug business. Did you read that Veeps was actually a second place burger for him, and actually his preferred burger was Water Burger? Really? He had piles and piles of Water Burger, yeah. The wizard is eating the hamburgers?

I can't trust a wizard eating a hamburger from a Water Burger or from Veeps. He loved Water Burger. In Mexico, I thought Water Burger's only in Texas. He'd go to Brownsville. Okay, so he went to Brownsville for a Water Burger. We're not talking about Water Burger. We are, though. Water Burger's pretty good. I miss Water Burger.

I just don't trust a wizard who eats it. That's all I'm saying. All I know is you keep calling yourself a wizard, and all you do is eat, fight, drink blood, light, and eat pretzels alone in your house. I didn't call myself a wizard. Well, during this conversation at Veeps, Constanzo, with the same confidence before, demanded 50% of the business just as he had with the Calzadas. And Elio, maybe influenced by the high of ritual magic,

maybe just desperate for help, readily agreed. So hell yeah, come on in. I think that he was deeply impressed by the ritual. Because you remember, when you go into the rituals, you go to his room of the dead, you don't see anything, you get the blindfold on like we talked before. So you don't know what's happening, but it's very impressive, and you get cut and spit on a lot.

So at some point, I think you're just like, oh, this must be serious. It better be, otherwise I'm a total idiot. Yeah, it seems like I'm accepting, I'm a drug dealer, and this man is cutting and spitting on me. I should be killing this man. I hate that. Yeah, I usually hate that.

I'm giving this man money. Wow. Well, in the end, the deal was this. Constanzo would cast the spells that would protect the business while taking half of the profits, and Elio would do the dirty work, and take the other half while bringing more members into the cult. So he doesn't do anything.

He casts, he does spells, man. Yeah, man, he fucking gets about executive, man. How did he make this happen? He's a consultant. He really is a consultant, and really that's what you're paying for. It's not just that you're paying, you're paying for, what you're really paying for is his connections to the fuck, to fucking law enforcement and other drug cartels.

Great. But you're calling it magic. It is the confidence and the, you just want to be able to stand on solid ground with your magical practitioner and make sure you've got your contract filled out, and you've got the money going because the Engangas, it's got to go in human blood and human blood costs money.

Yeah, absolutely. It's not going to pay for itself. Now, Elio held up his end of the bargain at an impressive pace, and pretty soon, Adolfo's followers changed from the real estate agents, drag queens, and models of Mexico City to the outsiders, drug runners, and murderers of Matamoros. The first new member was Alvaro Valdez, aka El-Duby.

Yeah, fucking El-Duby, dude. El-Duby Spanish for the- The-Duby, dude. El-Duby was a preternaturally violent individual, busted at the age of 10 for stealing his father's gun and shooting the neighbors from a tree. He's a real go-getter. Definitely.

He joined the cult simply for the blood. He knew it was going to be violent, and he wanted to take part in the violence. After that was Elio's flamboyant cousin, Sergio Salinas, aka El Mariposa, the butterfly. This all, honestly, it sounds like Billon's fucking comic book. Yeah, after that, you had Maliotorres, El Gato, so named for being more clever than the rest of the chumps in the cult.

Apparently, he came from the Jelicle County of Mexico. Are you talking about Jelicle Cats? You're singing Jelicle Cats somehow? You could just see him next to Rebel Wilson. Who is killing a bunch of families and you're singing Jelicle Cats. Jelicle Cats can be told what to do. Jelicle Cats don't- They can be drowned in a small bucket?

Yeah, Jelicle Cats also love fucking torture and murder. Apparently, bulls have come as we learned from Sir Ian McKellen. Meow! I was just thinking about that. Weird. And each and every one of these new recruits were given witchcraft lessons and were sworn to valves of loyalty, all while Constanzo continued rituals for the Hernandez family

that he assured everyone would bring them a large shipment of drugs that would turn everything around. And sure enough, once the entire Hernandez crew agreed to do the rituals and join the cult, corrupt federales seized a shipment of weed from a rival cartel and sold it at a discount to the Hernandez crew, which turned around the entire operation. And then it just comes down to, did the rituals work? Or is corruption the most fucking brutal cancer to go through the feds

and involving the drug cartel? Like, this is insane. Well, maybe there was more mud. Was it stuck in the mud again? Nope. Nope, they just got it. They just got it. They just got it.

Good for them. It's amazing this is all weed, too. For some reason I'm thinking it has to be some really hardcore great meth or some great heroin or cocaine. It's all just Nug. It started with Nug. You always got to start with Nug. Of course.

Yeah. I mean, I guess you can leapfrog over to meth, but yeah, you can't just start with cocaine. No. I guess not. I guess not, yeah. But once the crew was entirely under his spell, Constanzo changed the game. Now that he had a fair amount of muscle and belief in reserve,

Constanzo took things to the next level and introduced murder to the cult at large. Like, he opened up the door and he's like, this is my friend, murder. In May of 1988, he and his crew hijacked a truck holding 300 kilos of weed, and Constanzo pulled his best Tex Watson on the driver. Uh-oh. When the terrified man asked who Constanzo was, he replied, quote, The David, come for your soul. God damn it.

I was worried about that. I was really hoping he would just be like, name's Dave. I'm gonna work over here at the RV. He's gonna give you a free roast beef. See, the cult had gotten the tip about the weed truck from new member Aurelio Chavez. Chavez was a foreman on a ranch called Santa Elena, and the weed had been farmed by some small-time traffickers on the next plot of land over. Eventually, Rancho Santa Elena would be where the cult would commit its most heinous acts,

but at the time, it was just a good place to stage a hijacking. And as it turned out, this hijacking was about much more than just weed. After Constanzo's people loaded up the drugs, Adolfo walked over to the two men they'd stolen it from who were tied up nearby. He looked at them and asked if they were good Christians, and they both answered that they were. And according to his cultists, Constanzo then turned to them and asked to confirm that he had in fact told them earlier that all Christians were animals. And they were like, yeah, yeah, you did say that.

Yeah, I remember that. You can lie a little bit. Yeah, man. Just be like, I'm a Methodist. What are you? What do you want me to say? And when they confirmed that statement, Constanzo, with a big smile, lifted the gun, shot both men in the head, and said, quote,

We sacrifice animals. Well, sir, did you write that down before you said it? Because that was really cinematic. It's funny because when you speak like this, you know what you begin to sound like. It sounds like a bow wow, or it sounds like a clock clock. And do you know what makes those noise? An animal would. And do you know what we do to animals?

You're going to say it again? We sacrifice animals. Yeah, we got it. Honestly, really great though. Scary as shit. I will say this, boss, you are scary as shit. Yeah, my writers are getting crazy. Wow.

Now, even though his followers were already believers at this point, the cold-blooded murder of two men was just too fucking much for some of them to handle. They didn't expect this. All of them were shocked, and one of them even threw up on the spot. I think it's Elgato. Because it comes out to it. Elgato was holding that back anyway. He was like, like, shot out of hairball.

What, even though the murders were indeed disturbing? I just keep seeing fucking him doing this, panning to all the grisly cartel members, cult members, and the two guys shivering, and the dirt and shit tied behind him. Costanzos got the gun up against their heads, and it's just the one guy in a cat costume. Jell-o-co-cat. Oh, Jell-o-co-cat.

But even though the murders were indeed disturbing, it wasn't enough for any of them to leave, and the cultists followed orders to bury both bodies. I mean, they had to be scared shitless, honestly. That's what I'm saying. You were on a ride for a while and making some money, drug cartel money, and then all of a sudden this shit starts just fucking happening. We're on tour, we're driving through Texas,

all of a sudden Marcus pops two people, we have to bury the body. We have a spot by contract. We have to. You've just done this. They have to come out. He has to write the outlines. And if that's what it takes to get Marcus in the right headspace

to write the outlines, then that's what we will do. We'll bury the freaking body. I'll use my fucking bare hands to do it. Kissel El Perro. You're now the dog. I'm the dog. You're a Benjamin El Perro, and I guess I'm...

What's the Spanish for top? You want to be the top? Yeah, Spain. Spain. You're a pig, war pig. Oh, El Puerco. Yeah, there you go. El Puerco.

That'd be fun. That would be fun. I mean, we're going to get busted though. You can't get away with murder anymore. We'll call you La Chicharrón. Pocron. Oh, me. Oh, the Pocron.

That's me. That's horrifying. Well, once the victims were dumped in a hole, Constanzo said that while these men were merely killed this time, the next murder would be for a ritual. And after that, every one of them would be protected forever. And the response was, Yay.

Well, they're putting bodies in holes, and he's telling them on the spot, this is not the last time this is going to happen. We're going to kill someone else soon, and we're all going to do it together. And they all go, all right. And then just, you got it, boss. Honestly, you don't have much of a choice anymore.

Well, even though it was now officially a murder cult, Elio Hernandez kept bringing in more people. The next was Little Serafín Hernandez, aka El Chaparro, which that's a nickname that basically translates to a description for a short, chubby man. Oh, that's cute. Little Serafín is a nice name for a girl to have.

It is cute, it's cute. But Little Serafín is a, he gets in above his head. Yeah. Oh, it's a boy. Yeah. Well, he's called Little Serafín because his father was Big Serafín. Yeah, it's like how my dad used to be Little Bill,

and his dad was Big Bell, and now dad's Big Bell. Yeah, because Big Bell did, I mean, he's dead. My father, they called my father Trenta Henry, and they call me Venti Henry. Really? Starbucks. Well, pretty soon, Little Serafín brought two more members. A cocaine addict doing it all for kicks named Valente Gomez, and a gay student named David Valdez,

aka El Coqueto, the flirt. Why are you saying, you know, and that's the guy that does the... Whoa! Every single time they all get together as a group, because one guy's got to have that good, piercing, evil laugh. And then you're like, yeah, I made the joke, but it wasn't that funny. You're making fun of me now because you're laughing.

You got him, boys! It wasn't that good. I just said, I called him animals. Can I also be a cat? I know I'm a flirt, but I also like to shit in a box. You could be a cat. You want to be a cat? Yes. You're a cat. Show them to cats, don't sing no around here.

You can sing. Jellicle cats. Jellicle cats. I like how we got Jellicle cats back in. I'm so happy with it. It was another murder cult. Now, even though the cult already had an Nganga that seemed to be working out pretty good,

Adolfo knew that the key to controlling any cult is to keep up in the ante. So he told his followers that it was time for a new Nganga. Ooh! This time, however, they wouldn't simply use a body robbed from a grave. No, no, no. Instead, this Nganga would be constructed from the body

and soul of a victim whose murder the cult themselves would be responsible for. Ooh, I thought you were going to say that we're going to steal the chocolate fountain from Golden Corral in the place the chocolate would blend. The great south of the border buffet raid? Yes. I would have missed those days of crime, simple crimes.

But this is where I will say again that according to Palo Mayombe, this is like breaking one of the most sacred cardinal rules of Palo Mayombe. You're not supposed to add any sort of chaos or pain into the construction of Nganga. You're supposed to be helping a wayward spirit. That's kind of how they view it.

You basically give a spirit a way to be, like, give a contribution. You have to be gelical. So this is, it's just bad business. Okay. Now, after the cult missed an opportunity to use a rival drug dealer when El Dubey lost his cool and fatally shot the guy at a Brownsville cantina

called Los Sumbreros. The Dubey, you're being very undubey right now. I tell you what, if it comes down to it, that's why we got to legalize this. Absolutely. After that, the cult decided to use a perfectly innocent person named Ramon Esquivel, a.k.a. LaClaudia. LaClaudia was an antique dealer, drag queen

and former lover of Jorge Montez, a.k.a. Dr. Hindu. And when the doctor and LaClaudia fell out of favor, Constanzo, who'd never liked LaClaudia, decided that she would be their first true sacrificial victim. Now, even though LaClaudia and Dr. Hindu weren't together anymore, they were still roommates. So Constanzo, Dr. Hindu, Martin, Omar, and a new guy went to LaClaudia's place to wait while Sarah

prepared the ritual at Constanzo's condo. Why do I see the new guy? Do you remember the guy who used to hold the umbrella for Puff Daddy? Of course, he got very famous. It's like that guy. He's like, I'm the shoe guy. Yeah.

I get everybody's shoes. What kind of shoes do you need? It's going to be wet outside. Got galoshes. How long do I have to be here before I'm the old guy, though? When the new guy shows up. When the new new guy. I'm the old new guy.

I'm a glove guy. Okay. Well, when LaClaudia entered the apartment, the cultist tackled her, bound her wrist with duct tape, ripped her clothes off, and forced her into the bathtub where the cultists had already plugged the drain in order to collect the maximum amount of blood. They then began the process of giving LaClaudia a cruel, excruciating death.

As cult members held her down, Constanzo cut off her fingers, toes, ears, and penis while she was still alive, causing the maximum amount of pain to both give the ritual power and to satisfy his own sadistic desires. We should probably should have said gold star. At some point.

So it already happened and it's going to continue to happen. No, it's getting there for sure. Yeah. Wow. He then began to skin her alive, but Constanzo finally ended LaClaudia's misery with a slash to the throat. After she expired, cult members filled a jug

with the blood pooling in the bathtub and took it away for the ritual to come. They then gathered up the fingers, toes, genitals, and shin bones before opening up LaClaudia's skull to retrieve the ever important brains. That's the job of the new guy. It's not easy. It's horrible. So this is why I was invited.

This is why you're there. Yeah. I guess that's why you asked me to bring my ice cream scoop. Absolutely. The remaining parts were shoved in garbage bags and buried. Omar and Dr. Hindu, they cleaned the apartment well enough where the investigation into LaClaudia's disappearance went cold almost immediately

and LaClaudia's body and supposedly her soul were used to create the cult's new evil Inganga. Oh my goodness. But as we said last episode, the problem with using human blood to just even feed an Inganga, never mind make one, is that according to Constanzo's version of Palo Mayanbe, they believed that it would never be satisfied with anything else.

In other words, their belief not only allowed for more murder, Constanzo had actually set it up where more murder was essential if the cult wanted the magic to continue working the way they believed it had worked before. It's like when you give your dogs beggin strips and you know for a fact no treat is ever going to be as good. It's a lot like that. They need the beggin strips.

They love beggin strips. Because I remember that one time, I didn't give Puffin a beggin strip, but he did say something about how he's like, I needed a sacrifice. He was telling me some crazy things. He's gonna kill me when he sleeps. Don't tell him.

What? What? I'm gonna kill him when he sleeps. Don't tell him. Puffin, oh Puffin, it's bad. I've been sharpening my razors, I can't aim my nails. Puffin, go get your father's credit cards. We need to rack up some bills first. Oh, I can't wait to order all the new beggin strips.

He loves beggin strips. This is not, we don't get paid by beggin strips. So when it came time for another big ritual, nothing but another murder victim would do. Oh my. This time, the need for human blood arose from what could be described as a bit of a blooper on Adolfo's part.

A blooper. A blooper. A blooper. It's a blood sacrifice. He's a bit of a blooper, yeah. Well, Constanzo had attempted a double cross and a cocaine deal with some traffickers in Texas, where Constanzo had planned to sell the trafficker

75 kilos of cocaine for a million dollars, but instead of giving them the drugs, Constanzo was planning to kill him at the handoff and take everything for himself. Why wouldn't they assume that was going to happen? I mean, honestly, that's what I would always assume. It's a risk. It's always a risk.

Yeah. But when it came time to implement the plan, Constanzo's gang wasn't quick enough, and Elio's brother Ovidio was kidnapped in the frockest that followed. To pay for this failed ruse, the Texans were demanding their money back and the cocaine in exchange for Ovidio.

Now, Constanzo refused to give back the money or the cocaine. Instead, he chose an alternate route and told his followers that Ovidio would be returned to them through dark magic, and all he needed was a sacrifice for the new Enganga. Sure. Okay. The thing about the new Enganga that the cult created

was that it was filled with the remains of a very recent murder victim, and as such, it wasn't a good idea to have it and say, Adolfo's condo. HOA. Yeah. It's so hard when you're dealing with all these condo rules because they get so upset because, you know,

it comes down to, uh, you have to keep your fucking house painted. Smells like dead bodies in here. Yeah, that's my religion. Also, the grass is a little long. Yeah, well, my fucking machete is real long. Okay. So, the cult set up their murder Enganga in a shed outside of Matamoros on Rancho Santa Elena,

which is the ranch where cult member Aurelio Chavez, who tipped the cult off on the hijacking, was foreman. So, on the day of the ritual, Aurelio picked up the first person he found off the side of the road, a hitchhiker, and bound them with tape. He then brought the unfortunate soul to the ritual shed,

where La Claudia's rotting remains stood in the cult's Enganga. As before, Constanzo removed the hitchhiker's fingers, toes, and ears, but this time, he did it while pleading to the gods for help in the freeing of Ovidio and the crushing of the cult's enemies.

Constanzo then spat rum on both the victim and in the cauldron before beginning what can only be described as a ritual rape. Because according to what Adolfo told his followers, the mutilation and torture was essential because evil death breeds evil deeds. Once the rape was over, Constanzo ended the hitchhiker's life

by pulling out a razor-sharp machete and with a precision that can only come from thousands of ritual sacrifices, he chopped off the top of the hitchhiker's skull, exposing the brains. Malcolm Gladwell. Oh. Ten thousand hours.

I also, with this whole ritual, yeah, it took a lot of work. You're a horrible person, but yes, I see what you're saying, yes. But I'm not gonna, I don't like the term improvised for this, but he definitely was just making shit up as he was going in terms of these rituals.

There is no manual from what I heard from the Tatas that emailed me for this type of shit. Yeah, they don't have a Bible. There's no Palmaimba Bible. There are sources, but it's honestly, most of it is family styles that are handed down. Yeah, one of the chapters is like,

drug dealer gone, drug deal gone bad? Yeah. Here's how to solve it. It's like it's on an Ikea set. No, I wish it was. Honestly, that'd be really helpful. So this stuff was kind of like, at this point, you're a part of this gang,

and you don't even know, you better hope this shit's working. Well, they're trusting him. They're all trusting him that this guy knows what he's doing. He knows what he's talking about, and when he tells them, I have to do this, I have to do that.

Like, all of this is essential to the ritual. If you want to see your brother alive ever again, we've got to do this, and we've got to do everything how I say it's done, because that's how it's done. They just kind of go along with it. Honestly, this is when in my brain, I start thinking of all the bad memories

I had with that person, and I'm thinking life ends, you know? Life comes to those, and then you just kind of like slowly accept the fact that maybe they're dead. Yeah, maybe this is over, yeah. But it was at this point, post-murder, that Constanzo brought his followers

into the mutilation process as part of the slow roll towards mass ritual murder that Constanzo had been ramping up to all along. I think that you're correct, that this is totally part of the plan, and he knew, because this is how you get people sticky.

Like, not physically sticky. Makes them complicit. Makes them complicit. It makes them half. Now you're a part of the crimes, so you can't pull yourself from me in any way, shape, or form. It's the world's worst timeshare. Yeah.

Now you have to do it. He really is. It's horrible. We ever hear the commercials, you have Sirius XM now for the guy who gets you, we all know the hail of being trapped inside the bowels of a timeshare. And sometimes it takes a proper,

a proper guide, not unlike those that charon on the river sticks to go and lead those out of the hail and purgatory of a timeshare. There are lawyers making a full-time living just tongue-giving people out of timeshares. Well, this is how Constanzo slow-walked these people into this.

In the first murders, during the hijacking, the followers had just watched and dug the hole. So complicit, but just a little bit. In the second one, they'd held the victim down while Constanzo had done the mutilation and murder. It's definitely accessory to murder, but they did not actually murder the person themselves. And now Constanzo was handing them the knife

and commanding them to mutilate the body. After Constanzo removed the hitchhiker's brain for later use, Elio stepped in and harvested the heart by cutting into the hitchhiker's chest. Once the heart was removed and thrown into the cauldron, Constanzo ordered the other followers to hack and cut away at the corpse

to make more fodder for the enganga. You know, I've watched so many barbecue shows of the last couple of weeks that it's just like, I don't know why my brain is so curdled, because I feel like at some point... I have a feeling I know why. I just should be, like, upset when you hear these details.

I actually want you to be upset. I want you to be upset. I'm actually, Marcus and I both need you to be kind of upset when you hear this, because we are all in business together, and I need, when you hear, then they hack the body to feed the cauldrons. I know.

I need you to not think of barbecue. I don't know why it's there. I really read, like, as if all of the audience wants you to be better. I just, I see the rats are in. We have to end the show now. I know we have to end doing the podcast as a whole because your brain now is at the point

where now you no longer care that people are getting hacked apart. I'm so hungry. Okay, that's the problem. Well, as the cultists did what they were told, Constanzo said that hacking and slashing at the body would wash away their fear, and Elio later admitted that the more he cut

and saw it at the body, the less human it looked, and the less human it looked, the better he felt, and the more power he felt coursing through his own body. Once the sacrificial murder victim was suitably ravaged, Constanzo ordered his followers to dig a hole and wrap a metal wire around the spine of their latest victim for future use in another ritual. The Hitchhackers' remains were soon buried,

but the wire would be left sticking out of the ground for easy removal of the spine later on. Wow. And all this sounds fucking insane. Yeah. But to the members of the cult, it was real, all of it, and the effects were felt almost immediately. The very next day, after the cult's worst murder yet,

a video came home unharmed because his kidnappers had simply released him and gone home. Well, you know when Texans decide to hang it up for the day. They just put the boots on you. That's true. We're done. When we decide something's done, we're fucking done. They're done. Get rid of it. Get out of here. Get out.

Now, this result, it could have had a number of origins, none of them magical. The most logical explanation was that the kidnappers just didn't have the stomach for cold-blooded murder. You know, just because they're fucking, you know, weed smuggler, or just because, you know, their cocaine smugglers doesn't mean they're murderers, and they had no choice.

Like, after their bluff was called, after Constanza was like, I'm not giving you anything, they just, they have to let him go. They have to do this. I mean, they don't have to. There's a Browski hostage technique. I've been trying. I want to teach this in class one day.

If you want to make sure that the goal is to psychologically torture your kidnappers. Bye. Loud singing. So you sit in that chair all day. So you're gonna be fucking Michael Richards in UHF? That's a grand old bag. It's a high-five.

So you're gonna get one of these kids. They'll say, well, wave. I'm just saying, as a kid that be. What if they put a sock in your mouth? Oh. And number two, you know what's actually really important to do? Shit yourself. Because the more you're smeared in your own shit

in your own piss, the harder it's gonna be moving you from apartment to apartment. All these cartel guys. There's a punishment in itself. These guys have good cars. They get nice interiors. A lot of leather. I can't be all smeared with fear in shit

because it smells worse. I'd be livid, yeah. Or it could be that Constanzo, again, orchestrated the entire thing. This whole thing might have been a setup. But when it came to the cult, none of those explanations were options. To them, they'd been faced with a seemingly

impossible problem, and that problem had been solved with actual blood magic, which only further solidified their belief. But just because a person was a member of the cult didn't mean they were safe from being fed to the Inganga. Oh, damn it. I was hoping you wouldn't say that. And if Constanzo wanted complete control,

he had to make his followers fear each other, definitely, but him, most of all. I mean, why wouldn't you think that if all of these people, like, we just put seven people in the Inganga. There's now eight, nine people in the Inganga at this point. So we're on there. You're like, aren't we all just Inganga food? Well, maybe not, though, because other people are in there.

Maybe you feel safer if you're doing the killing. I don't know. Oh, it's like a boa constrictor, and he can only eat six months. Every six months? Yes. I love those pictures with the boa constrictors. It's usually seen if it's longer than the body that it's laying next to you, so it will consume it.

You see those pictures? I didn't. I haven't. Oh. Well, you talk about those old Rotten.com pictures, where they cut open the boa constrictor and there was a person inside. No, I'm saying when boa constrictors, people take pictures of them and be like, he cuddles in the bed with me.

He wants to see if he's longer than you, and then as soon as he's longer, then he's going to eat you. And that's how your wife will choose you eventually. Maybe. Well, Adolfo's next chosen victim was cult member Volante Gomez. Gomez was the cocaine addict who joined up through little seraphine because a murder cult sounded at the time like it'd be a real stone groove. Yeah, a real Eddie Winter joint.

Yeah. Now, Constanzo had a strict no drugs policy in the cult, which made the murder of Volante an easy sell. And it became much easier after Gomez was discovered to have been getting high on the cult's own supply. Think about how frustrating that is. You're a cokehead. You have some of the best coke in my tomorrow.

It's just like hanging around. You see, no one chooses it. Yeah, I mean, like, I got to try this shit when it comes down to it. I'd even kind of pitch it at Adolfo. I mean, like, this is quality control. How do we know what we sell and if we don't know what it's like? Well, the whole thing is we don't give a fuck, though. Yeah, so we're just going to kill you.

Ah, this is like Google. Yeah. So, Constanzo decided to truly test his followers' dedication by giving them a surprise command to kill one of their own in the middle of a ritual. Now, that night, as far as the cultists knew, the ritual was going to be a somewhat routine affair involving a chicken and a cat.

We're going to kill the chicken. We're going to kill the cat. We're going to go home. Yeah, it's a real Heathcliff bar mitzvah. Sure, yes. But after the animal blood was fed to the Nganga, Constanzo turned to his followers and told them that they had an enemy among them,

one who had stolen from the cult, used their drugs, and laughed behind their backs. No way he's talking about me, right? It's not me, bro. Who are you, man? Who is it? The one guy wearing like... I'll kill him right now.

He's wearing matching, like, chessboard, like, colored shirt and pants and he's wearing roller skates just standing there and being like, no, man, she's wearing moonwalk just having a good time. You know what I was thinking about? You know, I was talking to this guy the other day and he told me he had a great singing voice.

Well, seemingly involuntarily, but probably subconsciously, the drug-addled Valente stepped back from the group, immediately singling himself out as the guilty party. Oh, man. It's like when you ask the dog what it's doing and just do that weird like... The cultists all turned and stared

as Constanzo laid out the charges and they were all very quickly forgetting that this man just a few moments ago had been their friend. Finally, once Constanzo had finished his speech, he walked up to Gomez and said, quote, It's you, Valente. Man, your writer is getting real good.

Yeah. Constanzo then pulled out of machete and with one blow shattered Valente's jaw with the flat of the blade. Fuck. Valente then told his followers that it was time for them to directly participate in a murder, and a murder of one of their own at that.

He said that Valente had to die because he had offended the gods and if the others didn't participate, they would die as well. Oh, man. The Dolpho, man. It's fucking Wednesday, man. I got fucking shit to do tomorrow.

It's must-see-tv tomorrow, man. This is a hard day. Elgato is just like, row. Nothing makes a cat more curious. Many new little cat toy. Shut up, Elgato. I have to stop inviting you. It's a quite annoying group.

It is. Yeah. The first to step forward was El-Duby. His El-Duby... Don't fucking get in there, dude. Very not-Duby, dude. Very not-Duby, dude. Just fucking call me El-Not-Duby then.

Wow. Well, El-Duby had already killed before. Remember, he'd killed that drug dealer in Los Sombreros, and he seemed to have been just fucking waiting for the moment when he could involve himself directly in a ritual murder. I mean, honestly, weed in cocaine. If you love weed, you're much different

than the person who loves coke. And I could see them. El-Duby's revenge. I could see it. Well, once El-Duby stepped forward, the rest followed. They broke Valente's ribs one by one. They stabbed him in the stomach and chest.

They beat him to a bloody pulp with their bare hands. But it was Constanzo who struck the final blow. He picked up a hammer and brought it down hard on Valente's head, burying the tool in the former cultist skull. He then pointed to the gore and told every follower present that this is what would happen

to the disobedient children of Cardium Pembe. Just want to make sure it's mostly not doing the cocaine, right? Because I'm not going to do any of that. I'm telling you the fucking truth, man. That's what they call me El-Fucking-Duby, dude. I'm a fucking downer kind of guy, man. I am just trying to watch my cartoons, friends.

Just let me know what the rules are. I will follow them, sir. Oh, and now what I need is a bowl of yarn. An entire little bowl of milk. Wow, you didn't just kill a guy, but you are kind of cute there, you tell a cold cat. After that, the cult was more dedicated and felt more invincible than ever.

Partly it was because they believed they'd purged a weak link, but mostly they had to be more dedicated after that because otherwise they'd killed their friend for fucking nothing. Oh, my goodness. After Valente, the cult has sacrificed two police officers, feeding them to the Nganga,

even though they'd both assisted in the ruse that had gotten a video kidnapped. But even though the cult was ramping up the murder rate, the magic never stopped. The magic never stopped! It's not like that, though. It seems like it's not like Hollywood. At Rancho Santalena, the magic never stopped.

It sounds like Adam Tussaud's, but it's really not. This is a murder cult. After killing the two officers, Constanzo and Elio returned to the grave of the hitchhiker. Once there, Constanzo grabbed the wire they'd left sticking out of the ground, and he jerked it upward. On the other end was a vertebrae from the hitchhiker's body,

which Constanzo handed to Elio and told him to clean. This, Constanzo said, would be a part of a necklace that would bring Elio luck as long as he wore it. Elio did what he was told, and wore the bone of Constanzo's murder victim around his neck. After that, the cult would go into berserker mode as a group, marking a bloody month

in which at least seven people would die. But the last of those seven would be an American. And it's because of that American that our series ends next week with Adolfo Constanzo, Part 3. Oh my God. Very cool. Interesting story.

We are shifting. It goes full Robert Rodriguez next week. We are going to get into them coming for them. Constanzo fucking running from the cops. More ritual cult murder. The cult's cartels versus the police. Fucking federalists. It's fucking intense, dude.

Alright, well thank you all so much for listening to our series. Adolfo Constanzo, I hope you enjoyed it. Or enjoyed it as much as we are, because this is a fascinating cult and really different than most that we've ever seen. Well, this is way more of a, you say cult, I say serial killer support group. Isn't that nice?

It is very much like they are now feeding him. He is El Padrino. He's the one that is kind of, all of these people exist kind of tertiary to him just so that he is a Padrino. You know what I mean? Well, like he needed a group. Well, I mean, El Dubey can't be the leader.

No, El Dubey, he's too fun. He can't happen. He doesn't want to delegate. I mean, this is absolutely a cult. I mean, but it is a cult that is led by a serial killer. I mean, he uses all the same manipulation techniques that other cult members use. I mean, he manipulates these people into doing shit

that they don't want to do and shouldn't be doing just like most cults do. It just so happens that this is one of the most violent cults to ever exist, at least in modern times. And if you did do cocaine in the 80s near Texas, you probably snorted some of this coke and let us know. That's for his LPOTLGmail.com.

How was it? How was it? How was it? All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening. And we got, yeah. Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now we're in this shit. We got lastpodguestmerge.com.

You should check it out. There's bullshit on there. There is. There's more than, actually, no bullshit. There's shirts. There's a lot of good merch. We got a lot of good merch out there. Considering how much we talk about

bullshit on the round table of gentlemen, people might legitimately go to our website thinking there is bullshit at it. I think we should. There is no actual bullshit. You can't sell it. Why can't we get into animal farming? No one's buying it.

No one's buying it. Oh, is the market dropped out? Yeah, market dropped out of bullshit. I know fall's coming. We've got a really nice flannel for sale at lastpodguestmerge.com. Actually, I will say it has become my new favorite shirt.

I wear it all the time. There it is. That's fun. We also, we got our Twitch. So thanks, everyone, who gave for Haunter House. I know Halloween is over, but thank you all so much. We made, I think, like 12 grand for charity that month. It was about, yeah, about 15 grand.

That's awesome. The last take, because we doubled up, because this year at a charity, we've given over $35,000. That's an awesome thing. It's kind of insane. Thank you all so much. I don't know, that's insane enough for me to laugh at.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. I can't believe that we are, you can't believe that we're good people. And Henry, we didn't want to tell you this before the show, but we're giving your salary to charity as well from now on. So that's really exciting if you think about it, like you seem sad. It's very brave of us.

It's very brave of you, specifically, Henry. All right, everyone. Well, thank you all so much for listening. Check out all the other shows on LPN. We got ourselves the Know Dogs in Space. We got ourselves, say, page seven. History, Abe Lincoln's top hat. Was it in the bruiser?

We got a lot to talk about. And this week on Know Dogs in Space, we have officially started our series on Joy Division. Yes. Which is a lot funnier than you would expect. Oh, no kidding. They were always so sad. They are very sad, and it's very tragic.

Epilepsy. Oh, my God. That's what I remember. I just remember epilepsy. It's very dangerous. Yes, it is a sad band, but there's still four shithead kids from Manchester. So there's going to be a lot of turd talking there.

Oh, cool. All right. Check that out. No dogs in space because they die. Just ask the Russians. OK, everyone. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan.

Again. Magus Dalatians. Hey, guys. How about you hail me so I don't have to start doing all this human sacrifice? Hell, Doobie. You got it, my friend. That'd be nice to just not have to start my own Nganga.

Don't. Do not. My problem is that I just hate being stinky. I know. Yeah. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them.

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