Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 441: Lake Monsters

Episode Date: February 6, 2021

This week, we make a splash learning about all kinds of legendary lake monsters: The Loch Ness Monster, Champ, Ek Ookye, and more mysterious soaking-wet creatures of lore.---Note: We did encounter some technical difficulties in this episode for about the first 15 minutes. But we'll be back to ~normal~ next week. Thanks for understanding, and hail yourselves.---Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started But anal swaps, what is this some kind of gay pirate ship? Let's start this show Um Travis if you don't mind, can you and we need some renaissance like we need a lute atmosphere Right now. I just want everybody to get into the mindset because today we are traveling back to a more innocent time Oh fun! 1983. Okay, but let's start with a poem. This is a selection from John Greenleaf Whittier Why are you okay? Lute music go? What? Far away in the twilight time of every people in every climb

Dragons and griffids and monsters dire born of water and air and fire Unnourished like the python in a mud and ooze of the old decalian flood Crawl and wriggle and foam with rage through dusk tradition and Ballad age are the age of the dragon We're not talking about dragons. We're not talking about dragons at all. We're not talking about dragons I'm not going to be mentioning a single fucking dragon this entire show Welcome to the last podcast on the leftover one I am Ben hanging out with Henry and hanging out with Marcus

We have actually I think set a record for a three-person fight We got in there before I actually introduced the show and apparently Henry you're full of lies And we're not actually going to be talking about the creatures that you said we were going to be talking about If uh, if I looked at this outline correctly, you did not literally dog meat mentions eight dragons This is full-on dragon territory I call none of them dragons. The only thing that shares what I wrote with what you just read is the word water dragons

All right. Well, let's see. We'll see. We'll see. I'm gonna see uh, we're gonna let the audience decide We're gonna let the audience decide. This is a very special occasion where the audience Gets to decide something So today's story We are so excited to talk about lake Monsters what kind of dragon are you kissle? I want to be the dragon I want to be the dragon from the never-ending story except for the very end

So you want to be a happy dragon except for the very end when he commits They all commit fucking suicide imagination never-ending story is one of the saddest movie conclusions in the history of moving conclusions And then it ends with the grandfather Uh, mr. Falk evidently. He's a former detective. He's got a whole series of skeletons in his closet Yeah, yeah, well, I'd say Marcus is the cockatrice and I'm the bunyup. What's the bunyup? It's a dragon the bunyup. Yep. All right. Sounds like it wears a sweater that would rosanne would wear in the 1990s This is great Remember that fun shirts. All right. No dragons. No wings in the entire series

Oh, does the wings make it a dragon? No Because Japanese dragons don't have wings. Well, then what makes it a dragon scales And also the sheer fact that none of them exist All right, let's get into a lake monsters Known the world of cryptozoology lake monsters hold a special place in the hearts of those who believe While other branches of cryptozoology like bigfoots and chupacabras can be pretty heavy on the hustle The study of lake monsters known as drichontology to some isn't quite so crude I don't know if we need the term branches when I think about branches. I think the fji the cia

Things that have large societies are involved. They are big. They have paypal accounts. Yeah, they have their own custom emails So if I called crypto 100 1 800 crypto, I would get I would get sent to different branches within Press one if you've seen a dog with mange. No, I have not Press two if you have found a footprint in the forest. No, I have not seen that press three If you saw a shadow in a lake you fucking idiot. No, actually four. Is it a rock? Check again Press five. It was it was a rock. Yeah Maybe you need to call your wife because she might be dead This is actually what I was calling about is this not the how to get away with murder hotlines

But this truth is is that in our estimation the bigfoot's and the chupacabras communities They're much more pent up on getting they want a bigfoot like the big. Oh, they are horny for it We already saw in Oklahoma. They set up an actual a bigfoot hunting season Right. The goal is to trap and release a bigfoot, but they're I mean to be fair. It's sponsored by keystone light I mean, no one's gonna find it. It's honestly sounds like it's a doritos super bowl commercial just like so right there But they and the chupacabras technically we found a chupacabra not that long ago What they said was a chupacabra, but it was it was a dog. That's just my adopted dog Jerry Yeah, have we ever we've never actually seen a chupacabra, right?

They said that they have found things that resemble the attitude behavior and description of a chupacabra That's close enough Well, you've also got you've got all the carcasses that have supposedly been killed by chupacabras You have the the pigs and such that have the holes in the neck and all the blood drained out Which points towards a creature of which we have no explanation for But it's a dog with a tiny mouth and by creature you mean Homer Simpson He's not real. It's called cartoon. None of that was real. Do you think it's real? I was talking about how he likes to eat pig

I like to eat pig your friend who's in front of you likes to eat pig You're not real. Wow Fucking real The lake monsters of all of them seem to be so particularly faith-based Yeah, well, that's the things that dracontologists instead of being about the hustle They seem to be in it for the passion They refuse money from tabloids for their cherished photos of ogapogo or champ So as to not sully what they obviously believe is a magical yet unsettling experience

It's it man. It's got to be scary to see a big eel. Absolutely, especially ogopogo It sounds like it has face paint on like a clown Horrified others hold their experience with lake monsters so dear that they will sue anyone who dares even right About their own personal lake monster and even our dear friend if you'll remember even our free dear friend Kevin Barnett would talk about please yo sores with a passion that bordered on the fanatical Wait, are they not real? They're real. Okay. Good. I was gonna say we can't I thought because I believed everything that kevin ever told me If I found out that was fake, but I'd have to go dig up his grave and yell at him

I felt Kevin move through me this week as I was reading about dragons That's what this is about lake monsters. This is lake monsters No, no, it's dragons today for today dragon thing you can call you. I think it's cool. We call them dragons What would kevin call them? All right, he would you know, he would call them lake monsters or please yo sores. He would actually call them please yo sores He would actually be offended that you referred to them as dragons Uh true question true question kevin is so smart He would call it whatever you thought was the right thing to call it when having conversations with you in order to win

You over and then slowly manipulate you and take all the money That's why he's brilliant just like nixon. Oh, yeah Even the hoaxes involving lake monsters often aren't done for the love of money Instead the history of lake monsters is peppered with bands of merry pranksters Who have no desire other than the inclination to cause chaos in sleepy lake communities and then in the aftermath of their chaos they create these sort of Of mascots all of these different lake monsters Different than all of the because you know, there's uh, there's a big foot for every region

There's a lake monster for every region But the lake monsters they kind of For for the the locals that are around the lake monsters seem to really represent the spirit of of like of what it's like to Live in lake champlain, you know, I mean Everybody loves wallowing in the mud and eating That's what they love. That's what they celebrated in a any demoted lake Well, I think you've just described the life of a turtle, but yeah I suppose so if you are a person that wants to live like a turtle technically you've you've just become terry shyvo

totally Question though when it comes to these entities because they are mythical Um, can you infer more? Uh, sort of attributes to them than your average cryptid Because with an alien we have a set standard of rules cryptid somewhat But it seems like these lake monsters you could make them even a socialist But the most interesting thing about lake monsters is that while they arguably kicked off the modern age of cryptozoology When nessie first reared her head in 1933

They are also the cryptids least likely to exist and marcus actually knows that nessie was a woman He saw her vagina and uh, he was in there and he's punching at it He's not allowed back in scottland But there are no dermal ridges like we have with bigfoot nor are there any carcasses like we have with chupacabra Instead the majority of evidence with lake monsters involves a person seeing a thing and taking a picture from really far away Why are they never close because they're never that close to because the monsters Are being safe are they are the monsters more scared of us than we are of them They shouldn't be they're much bigger. They're monsters. They are they are monsters. I watch the cove. They should be

We don't exactly treat our wildlife that swims very well Honestly, that would be a horror movie to a bunch of whales if they just watch the cove Yeah, they knew A horror movie for humans that's why whales are always screaming but while those pictures would be Unrecognizable as anything biological unless given context the people who say they've seen lake monsters Believe in what they think they saw with every fiber of their being and defend their position without any doubt as to what they Experienced all right. I will say these are officially Crypto zoologists because they will utter the sentence. I know what I saw

No, I saw. Well, so, you know, maybe they did have some something close to an anomalous Experience who knows? I think you know also you see A very very big carp. It might it's scary for a loop if you're not ready to see a nine-foot carp No, I never know you're about to see a nine-foot carp and you've got fucking Schedules in your head. You've got nine abortions to do that. Oh my goodness That's a lot in the morning thinking about all these carpsie you bundle them up in the morning so you can do them before lunch Oh, you give a nice healthy lunch That's a nice pasta for joule right after you get your morning abortions done right?

Oh, you're the one getting the nine abortions. You're not giving them. Yeah, because I got nine times Oh, wow But you know, you're not explicit Who knows maybe it has an astounding effect on you and now you want the whole world to feel the same wonder and And amazement that you experienced in that moment and of course we know nothing I mean, we know a bit more about the lakes because they're ain't they ain't as deep as the ocean But we still don't know much about the unexplored world of water. I don't know a single thing about lakes. They're wet They are wet

But before we get into the subject deeper, let's acknowledge our sources The first is lake monsters by benjamin radford lauren colman and joe nickle joe nickle He's the quintessential humorless skeptic in a tan vest who delights in spoiling good times Which one do you think out of those three did all the work and to write the book benjamin radford's the hype man You know To be funny make the voices do all the shit lauren colman that person isn't another central person They're the voice of the audience They respond and listen and listen to the first time see I don't like it. See that's great

I'm not like you did and then like the fucking pleasurless nickle is the guy who sits in those conco more The writing and such. Yeah, it's unfortunate. His book tour was cancelled It's gonna get it out Yeah, that is nice The other book is abominable science by daniel loxton and donald prothero Which while it is a debunking book, it's still done with love for the passion put forth by cryptozoologist All while looking at the fascinating origins of our fat of our favorite cryptids Abominable science. That's also what the bush administration called stem cell research. Isn't that nice? Is this a bit deep cut?

As a very strange fringe political joke. No, it wasn't that's not that fringe. That's a very famous joke It's a I mean it is a uh a nearly 20 year old reference. Okay I'm just being clear. I was just trying to bring in the fact that I was talking about I brought in that see I was gonna see because marcus accidentally said abdominable science But there is not a single person with a visible ab In any of these books Okay, I'm gonna see so both of us both of us just hit it out of the park. Yeah, that's why we're here And of course for the believer side

I delved once more into the Loch Ness monster chapter in my mysteries of mind space and time collection Which I must say is one of the most half-hearted chapters of the entire series. Why people are deflated and sad about Loch Ness Yeah, they are they are sad about him and why? Well, I'm I'm about to tell you exactly why please because it's very famous Yeah, I mean if we're gonna talk lake monsters We would be remiss if we didn't start with the most infamous lake monster of all time the biggest and most famous cryptid That we have yet to cover here on the show Choose choose choose wisely

What's it gonna be jack Nicholson on a sub eating a sub jack Nichols on about eating a subway sandwich I had to go through a series of people, but then I was like a little bit mad at me They'll respect that person jack Nicholson because he's doing so well Yeah, eating a sandwich on a boat. That's my Now when it comes to a location where cryptid might live, it's hard to do better than Loch Ness Loch Ness is the largest body of freshwater in all of britain and other than a few vacationing middle-class englishmen It was largely unspoiled until 1933 when some of the locks surrounding forest was cleared away to give easier access And a sum of Loch Ness's entire situation was ruined by next week's topic, which I'm actually very

Disguided for about how what is we're going to cover deforestation We're going to talk about what's going on in brazil right now. No, that's like season 25 of the last podcast on the left We're just talking about how like Bugs are also kind of evil and I love that I can't wait to read the bugs are also kind of evil script Yeah, some organs look weird Furthermore, Loch Ness is not a singular body of water The river Ness connects the lock to the sea which conveniently gives Loch Ness believers an excuse when people ask why Nessy

Is it being constantly spotted by the hundreds of thousands of observers who have been coming to the lock since the 30s? He goes out the big dude Oh Well, he's got to everyone's trying to punch its vagina like marcus parks did I did not punch the Loch Ness monsters vagina You would if you could I know you would absolutely I know that about him However, people do tend to see

Something out there with fair regularity and there's a reason for that The locks waters are often terribly calm and the high shorelines cast shadows and reflections That cause small objects like birds and small animals like otters To appear much larger than they really are. What does the otter do? He wins eats. That's it Okay, you see and he puts the blocks of the different shapes in the proper slots Yeah, I just don't know how an otter survives other than like for fun on instagram turning tricks It's a sex worker of the lake world

In addition wakes from boats passing through the lock of which there are many Can be reflected from the shores to form a standing wave in the center of the lock Long after the boat has passed out of sight Which could easily be mistaken for the wake of a large creature swimming underwater And it also has a lot of like weird channels underneath it It has a but it's got a weird bottom to it where they say that people can things can hide or whatever But it does seem to be more than anything every time they've taken pictures of what could be There's a recent picture of a Loch Ness actually that came out like several months ago that came out

but It was a big fish Well, that's yeah, but it's fun if you just call it a Loch Ness monster and what's the difference And so I mean you the yell you're getting on my page. Yeah, what I mean? Honestly, the the water is still full of the scariest of all the creatures as far as I'm concerned If you call it a tuna sandwich it becomes a tuna sandwich. That's what Subway did Now Scotland is full of locks just like Loch Ness Some so deep that the Eiffel Tower could be dropped to the depths and the tip wouldn't even break the surface

Whoa, Carmen San Diego What? Wait, is she in the Eiffel Tower under the ocean? That's where she put it. That's where she put it I don't know Carmen San Diego. You were trying to find Carmen San Diego I don't think that she had anything. Did she have anything she would steal important historical figures and and landmarks That's why you were trying to find Carmen San Diego. I thought you they were I thought she was just a missing person What do you think that she thought that she was just like guilty or rape or something? Yeah, like Roman Blansky. I don't know. I thought everyone was just trying to find Carmen San Diego I thought I honestly was like someone kidnapped her like what is she from Utah? Like what's going on?

Wow, you missed the whole point of that show. What was honestly? What documentation did they have? She would say like ha ha ha they'd see her in her helicopter lifting up the Eiffel Tower going ha ha ha So she was evil. Yeah, she was the villain. Acapella saying the things off. I remember that Well, because there are so many locks in Scotland the Scottish like many folk who develop societies around large bodies of water Have a plethora of folklore involving terrifying water monsters Most disturbing is the shape-shifting kelpie also known as ick. Yeah Which roughly translates in English as water horse. Whoa. I wonder why they went with kelpie as opposed to Oh, something Scottish Scottish has old language. They don't think they have gaelic. Is it the same as gaelic?

I mean, they yeah, they're that uh, yeah, that's uh, yeah gaelic. That is definitely gaelic. No, that's not the gaelic. I know That's a gray. We're here. We're ready for you. We're ready to be guests on your show 39 and holding it. Well, ironically water horses are always encountered on land and can be identified by the seaweed tangled up in their main and their wet skin If an unsuspecting or foolish soul decides to climb upon this mystery horse They would find that the water horse's skin is also highly adhesive Thank you horse. That's not that is not a game you want to play with your grandfather And the water horse will gallop straight into the lock taking the stuck and screaming victim

Down to the depths where they meet a horrific death by drowning. I know what I saw Look at that guy over there molesting that horse to death. Wow, that is horrible Really, I cannot think of a worse fate. So do you die from the drowning or do you die from them? I'm destroying your entire body in this fantasy. You die from drowning, but it does sound like what they What could have happened is they got got by a boa constrictor And you could call a big snake a water horse if we're getting into creative names for things that we don't understand Call it a freaking anaconda. I don't think they ever had boa constrictors or anacondas in scotland Yeah, I don't know if they have jungle snakes

I don't know what they have over there something get wandered over there because then you think about maybe during the roman times When they spread deep into the anglo-saxon territory, they could have accidentally have brought with them various exotic animals And littered them throughout these areas. This is actually a theory that I now in my starbucks adult brain I actually think is it's no is it's literally Noah's ark I think I think it's just a lesson that's that's don't get on a strange horse What I would never touch a horse Didn't you got out of this? Well, specifically specifically the water horse targets children by pretending to be tame and gentle and it's back You know, it's weird that you have that to try to try to attract me a child. It's the most

You know, I don't like that voice at all. Oh, yeah, come on. Get on me long child Look, well the water horse is back. Well all actually lengthen to accommodate as many children as are present Then once all of them are glued on tight the water horse speeds them to their doom Honestly, there's so many kids in scotland and in these areas just that they have a lot of kids I mean, sometimes it's good to have someone to take out like eight in one go You'd help the town have enough corn get this thing some training make it a bus driver. Why not the kids are already on there That'll be kind of a fun way to show up to school until you have to unstick yourself from the sea serpent You probably will lose the back of your pants. Honestly. We're really building out our cryptid high school like

High school Yeah, well in one folktale featuring the water horse one of the children actually cuts off all of his fingers in a bid to escape Fingerless he then watches as all of his friends are carried off into the water Which of course makes him the one who survives to tell the tale I was training to play the harp. Oh, that's really sad. No, I've got to use my fate and my dick Yep, you're gonna have to become a drummer. Strangely, many water horse stories are very similar to vampire folklore Sometimes a water horse will take the form of a man or a woman Then shape shift into a horse instead of a bat when it comes time to eat the victim alive

That's scarier than a bat. Yeah, why would they ever be a bat? There's something terrifying about just like kissle standing up waking up kissle standing above my bed Just being like I got lost going to the refrigerator and then all of a sudden he morphs Into a horse. Yeah, that's scary as fuck. And then he starts eating you alive. Get on. I'm sticky I think a horse eating you's actually gotta be fucking pain You're gonna want to hop on me now. I'm sticky. Okay, good. Better get out there while the stick is fresh. Yeah There's actually even a water horse story in which the creature shape shifts into a horse And chases his victim all the way back home, but is unable to enter because like the vampire

He must be invited inside before he can cross the threshold Interesting. Wow. Wow, this would be great for horse girls. Wouldn't they want to turn into a big dude? Horse girls. What's a horse girl? They're girls that are they normally have very long hair And they are obsessed with horses in school I'm surprised you didn't see some because you were from farm areas. Well, we had cows Oh, someone who does uh, someone who's upset like girls that are obsessed with horses a lot of times Um, they're they're particular. Right. They're an interesting bunch lonely Um, loving horses the solitary nature of horses. They're the only ones that the that the horses can understand

The horse is the only thing that they can understand My question is is that like do they want to turn into a horse or do they just want to have sex with one? Seems like their perfect man would be a centaur I do know some horse girls who uh, had the experience of riding horses all the time We're quite fond of riding the horse Well, a lot of times you know what I mean Quink, quink, quink, quink. That's what happens when you tell a woman better get in. Uh, what a horse is sticky Well, that's the only reason they get away with all the beastiality. No one can see it happening

This is ridiculous double standards. What? They can ride the horse. I said, oh, she's just really Uh, she's into charcuterie. What's that called when you ride the horse upside down? She'd have to grip onto it. That's what they do like she was hugging it What's that thing? What did you call that when you play with the horses all the time? It's not charcuterie. That's a that's a mean cheese board Charcuterie, I am just I don't think there's a word With horses all the time Romney's wife does it Oh, you're talking about Dressage. You're talking about Dressage. Dressage.

That's fancy horse walking. That's not what I said. That horse walking. That's it. Those horses might be sticky, we don't know. You said what's the word for when you play with horses all the time? That's what it is I gotta stop. They get paid a lot of money to do that The horses get paid to do that. In March? Um guys, just so you know in March we'll have been doing last podcast and left for 10 years And I think that's the dumbest you've sounded Kevin loved horses. He had horse illustrated. Oh, don't make me sad

Well concerning their ubiquity stories about water horses were told in scandinavia Siberian Russia at Italy and eastern europe and one explorer of the americas in 1535 Her natives tell a story of a fish shaped like a horse that wandered land by night searching for victims Can I ask something if it's a fish that's shaped like a horse? Can we just go ahead and call it a fucking horse? Yeah, because it's our land. It's a horse When it's in the water, it's a fish and when I'm lying, it's a horse That's pretty kind of you refer to it A fashorse

That's scary and you have to even if you're sober you're like, I saw their shores should be like He's hammered No, the shores should way to the west But even though many have cited the water horse as a precursor to the Loch Ness monster Stories of the water horse were not specific to Loch Ness And were in fact told anywhere in scotland where the population lived near a large body of fresh water However, there is one story specific to that area of scotland that supposedly occurred in the sixth century that many point to As a possible proof that nessie-like creatures have been living in or near Loch Ness for centuries

According to christian legend a saint by the name of colomba was traveling through north scotland And came across a group of heathens who were burying a friend who'd been killed by a water monster while he was swimming across the river ness Oh, hello, i'm st colomba One more thing Hello, that's a colombo reference Which brings us up to 1989 One more thing Yep, I love colombo. Oh, we all do

We will also get into the stories of saints one day because saints are some of the Well, you know when the catholic church they keep a saints bone in that in the big in the table up This is fucking creepy man. Oh, yeah, I got a whole book on it. It's called heavenly bodies. It's fucking great It's a fucking cult catholic church, obviously, but they the saints are very interesting because they are I kind of view them as the old school version of superheroes. Yeah Where they do a lot of fair they have these kind of stories that are attached them Meanwhile, I just think that like you became a saint by paying for it Yeah, I think it's like being a dutch duchess or a diplomat or something

Also, am I supposed to call some guy who's a sir in another country here sir? No, we're americans If I meet fucking anthony hopkins who I would call he I would call sir No, I would just say out of out of the polite colloquialism sir I won't get arrested if I don't call some fucking piece of shit who's some fake thing somewhere else Here because he doesn't have a lance. He doesn't have a sword. I wouldn't I wouldn't call paul mccartney, sir No, definitely not. I call him mr. McCartney. I think mr. McCartney. Yeah Paul because he'd probably be cool enough to call him paul Oh, you'd love that

Good next thing, you know, you got no clothes on he's doing a dermatological fucking test on you whenever Hey, man, whatever the sir wants, you know, it's a little sticky horse of a different kind Well columbia when he came upon these heathens He saw an opportunity to flex his magical christian powers and maybe convert a few scottish heathens in the process So he began his string of miracles that day by laying his staff across the dead man's chest and he brought him back to life I actually love those apples. Thank you Then columbia ordered his fellow monk lugni mochumann To swim across the river and fetch a boat on the other side putting his so-called friend

Right in the path of the deadly monster and continuing the long line of christian stories where people are told to do Horrible and dangerous things just so someone can prove a point It's also the it is just the lifetime fate of the intern He is always just sacrificed for the good of the saints. Well, absolutely How else are we gonna know if you could swim across this lake that has a massive demon in it? Unless you try especially if you're giving college credit. Yeah, why not and if you die We'll get another one of you. Yeah Yeah, so brother lugni did what you was told and began swimming across the river

Suddenly the water beast emerged and swam towards the monk roaring with jaws wide open And the intent to kill the monk just as he had the heathen I'm just trying to say Is that people can't take your hugs with pleasure every time I say, I love you I burn you to a crisp Oh my god, is that the real you speaking? Yeah, it was I had to kill it Took it to the backyard and killed it But at that moment columbus stepped to the edge of the river made the sign of the cross and evoked the name of the lord Telling the beast that it shall go no further and that it must leave at once

Did it work? The great monster then no more than a few feet away from slaughtering columbus companion And suddenly stopped and fled moving backwards as if it had suddenly been pulled back by ropes tied to its body Cool, okay Brother lugna was able to retrieve the boat unharmed and according to columbus biography the heathens praised him Gave glory to the god of christians and were baptized then and there in the waters of the river nests. Hell. Yeah If you dig this lake monster explosion, you want to like and subscribe here to the power of jerseys crest Let me ask you this though. If st. Colombo wasn't there would lugney have swam in the river. No, no

Yeah, of course not because it's really stupid to do because he didn't have the idea To do it and it took his guts to have the idea for him to put his life in danger to discover the monsters What if it didn't work? What if he just got eaten by the fish? The unfortunately would have to go back through to again You'd have to go back to the local university and you have to put up flyers saying you're looking for interns How many times eat all of these people and explain to your wife that you're trying to have sex with these interns Like all of this is just nor like this is just perfunctory You're actually using these as sacrifices for lake monsters and and hopefully she sees that

That's the thing with the saint. How many times did this not work out and then he was like shunted from a village We don't know dude. This wasn't columbus only miracle. He had a hell of a resume. He calmed storms He turned water to wine. He summoned water from a stone. He comforted a weeping horse He enchanted a stick so animals Miracle I've done that You fucking stroke it off like how do you comfort a weeping horse? First place, I don't know if you want to re-trigger it. I was crying As tears coming out of its eyes

Yeah, it was and that's what the miracle was it was double miracle because like wow that horse is crying This is weird and then saint columbus went over and made the horse stop crying when no one else Could keep the horse from you know sobbing and you know weeping and wailing and such a massage or something do that fucking I have no idea how you make a horse not maybe peanut butter Animals love peanut butter I don't really and the human animal most of all indeed And columbus also enchanted a stick so animals were compelled to impale themselves upon it And he once banished a demon that lurked in a milk pail

I hate that milk pail demon. I actually had that happen to me the other day. This is how fascinating my life is I had milk. No kiss a look at me. I had milk the other day It was supposed to go back on february 7th, and then some devil Went into this milk and made it go back. Listen to me. Did you leave it outside of the refrigerator? Listen to the rest of my story by february 2nd Wow, that's five days. Yeah, what what it was there a temperature drop with the milk Uh, was there anything bad with the milk to begin with?

Maybe it was maybe it was best used if not open by the 7th. Yeah, or just a misprint That's a pretty big misprint though to be fair markets. It is it is but these things happen. They do happen Are these so-called saints to help me now? well, you you you you have uh Decided to turn your back on any saints because of your I don't need their help your religion You see that how I'm defensive about both of that how I wasn't Well, then you're not gonna have any hope so I could beat so I could say no Then you get no fresh milk. Oh, at least offer me some kind of saint

You're supposed to offer the devil's advocate some form of help and then I go now I want to beat you But that's what it's supposed to be and it's never happens. No. Yep. Sorry. I'm sorry everyone I know I mean I think I wanted to happen for you I just we have to get you into the catholic church and again You're far too hairy and you weren't molested as a boy and there's I just don't see the way in all right I guess I'll have to be molested now. You can't be Now as far as Loch Ness itself goes it's been the site of many a prank long before the Loch Ness monster In 1868 a crew captured and killed a six foot long bottle-nosed whale and threw it into the lock

Drawing large crowds and causing a stir before the seamen admitted what they'd done tv used to be easier Yeah, I guess so besides pranks. There are also misidentifications In 1852 a rowdy crowd of country folk were so frightened by a creature swimming in the lock Which they thought was a kelpie that the whole town gathered on the shore with hatchets sides Pitchforks and in the case of one woman a medieval flail But just as the head of the mob raised the rifle he'd brought so he could shoot the quote-unquote kelpie The quote-unquote monster came into focus as it turned out the creature was just a pair of ponies Who would inexplicably swam across the lake?

Who's the real monster now? Already to kill this monster. They think that the water horses and they're gonna kill him and they all show up like Get the monster and get it and then they look and they just see two ponies drowning Did they drown? No, they made it across They swam a full mile horses can swim Honestly, that's incredible. That's just but still I guess then you're just watching the horses swim And then you're just like waiting for the monster to show up. It's like, hey, why didn't we all jump in and

Why have we been using this lock? That's no one thing about being close to this lock everybody says Oh, I want to be close to the lock. Oh, I want to be close. But then do you use it? Do you ever just sit in yours at some point man? We've arrived in Jamaican Wow, what a disney around the world In in linguistics that was. I'm the first Jamaican disney princess. That's really incredible very good But in 1930 the legend of the monster began to take shape Three young anglers as they were called in an article written at the time

Experienced an encounter with some sort of underwater phenomenon From their reports These boys heard the sound of something thrashing about in the water and they saw splashing and foam about 600 yards away I'm just hanging out here trying to find friends A man your size very well could have been considered a like monster at the time just that tall that height With those odd people they'd look at you as they were unhealthy You would look like oh, it's like, uh, have you seen they they are at the tail of the racing bear Well, suddenly the whatever it was came straight towards the boys

But turned to the right when it was about halfway there Now this story it's a bit of a dud. It's just like yeah, sure It's a fine story But despite it being the first known report of a mysterious something hiding in Loch Ness It did not capture the public imagination mainly because it is kind of a dud Yeah, they just saw a thing and then they didn't maybe didn't see the thing They gotta cut off one of their feet and then say that it ate one of their feet. Yes. They gotta really go for it. Yeah Yeah, they gotta sell it

Yeah, the capturing of the public's imagination wouldn't happen for another three years When the Inverness courier printed an article with this eye-catching headline strange spectacle on Loch Ness What was it? A picture of just some fat Scottish guy just nude on the beach waving No one's my friend There is nothing more fun. Was that in a legit newspaper? Yeah. Yeah, the Inverness is more fun than that Yeah, it's I'm sure it's pronounced Inverness or

Inverness, yeah, it's Inverness Yeah, yeah, yeah Well in this story the witnesses to the unexplainable phenomenon were an unnamed couple They said that they were standing on the shore when the woman saw three quarters of a mile away What she at first believed to be ducks fighting on the water But after her eyes came into focus She said that she saw a creature that resembled a whale rolling and plunging for fully a minute, you know It's interesting. You mentioned her eyes getting into focus. This is like a real question. I guess

How about everybody's bad eyesight? Yep, that's definitely part of it. Don't ruin the magic now. Don't just say nobody could see For the man's part, he only saw splashing but the reporter who wrote the story Saw an opportunity and added the appropriate embellishments. Look at that He immediately tied the story to that of the three young anglers But he changed the angle of the first story the first story when it was written was We have no idea what it was that we saw But when he wrote this second story, it changed to the boy saw an unknown creature that may indeed have been a monster

And again, this is the Zabrowski parable just because if it's both True and unentertaining, is it worth it? Well, it could be more important for something to be mostly true and have the spirit of the freedom of truth But then be ensconced inside of something that's a little bit more like a lie They know you say a story sometimes tells the truth better than facts Well, I think it's Gonzo journalism. The problem is it was published in a newspaper that was like right by like everyone else died of syphilis today

I'm gonna find something to break the monotony of the problem Maybe or how or the you know, every single month when scottish when scottish magazines have to do why are our knees so ugly? Oh my goodness. I love a good scottish center fold. They would spray musk on the pages So you really felt like she was there. Oh, I like a bush hair fragrance Then the writer added the detail that this quote-unquote fearsome looking monster had been seen in Loch Ness for generations Despite the fact that the only encounters with anything strange before 1930 had been a dead whale and a couple of ponies Well, because the story kind of habs there was one story of the lampton worm Which is a story from a very very long time ago

That's another one of those that it became a very massive story about cryptids and it was a it was a very like this idea of You know, it's a creature that lives underneath a Well, essentially a water well and then it climbs up and it fucks with people And you have to go kill it but the story is really just but a guy found a big snake And then it became a very big important tale To all of airland and scotland at the time. I mean it makes sense. Yeah, it's scary as hell It's fun to do a big old snake is scary, especially to a fucking anglo-saxon in the middle of the bog Oh my i'm just so happy we have faucets now running water. We take it for granted. It's pretty

It's pretty convenient. Yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah, it really is it really is every time I watch naked and afraid. I'm just like thank god Thank god I wouldn't voluntarily go on that show bear girls, by the way He when I when he drank the water from the elephant shit Uh, I mean, I don't even know if that was real elephant shit. Do you see that when they were bear shit? He squeezed it and put it in his mouth. Do you see that? No, he doesn't want to see that. No, no, didn't see that

Really? It's not relatable, you know Do you? No, it's very similar to naked and afraid. He squeezed shit for water. I'm a bunyup Nevertheless the story caught on but the embellishments of the Inverness courier weren't the only factor According to some researchers the real culprit behind the popularization of the Loch Ness monster was none other than king kong We did it again. What king kong? Yeah, see king kong was released in scotland in 1933 right around the time that sightings of the Loch Ness monster began

If you'd never seen the original one scene features a long necked monster in the water plucking men from their boats And killing them it's very memorable. It's so sweet. I fucking love that hole when they go to skull island That's a great sequence in the original king kong. That's awesome This creature which had a small head a long arched neck and a rounded back then crawls out of the water To reveal itself to be not an aquatic dinosaur, but rather a quadrupedal brontosaurus Whoa And lo and behold the next sighting of the Loch Ness monster Which occurred just weeks after king kong was released in scotland featured just such a creature

On august 4th 1933 the invernus courier your number one source for nessie news Published a letter from a londoner named george spicer Spicer claimed that while driving along the shores of Loch Ness a long-necked roundback dinosaur of the brontosaurus Persuasion lumbered across the road 50 yards in front of him carrying a dead lamb in its mouth That's fucking sweet. Very cool. Yeah Now as far as we know, this is the only terrestrial Loch Ness monster sighting But this is also the first story that reported the creature as long necked from there on out though The Loch Ness monster has almost always been reported as long necked

Despite the fact that even serious nessie believers dismiss george spicer's story because even the plesiosaur They don't think necessarily had that long of a neck, but I this is the type of they know This is the type of like sightings that I love. I love what did what did paleontologists know? What do they know? I don't feel like they do They just balms they pile them in different shapes. They always put a big cock on them They These are my kind of like my favorite types of like weird Sightings when people see dinosaurs or people see like terra sources or plesiosaurus

like there was something about that because There's no evidence that shows that any dinosaurs made it to our time period. There's really nothing except for the cockroach Um, the alligator and the shark right which essentially like we we see these things Yes, and some birds but birds changed because birds used to be dinosaurs Furns there's some ferns that also survived, but I love that that's the one thing like the kind of weird alligator That's what I'm saying. I just feel like your father. I don't understand why you want me. I don't get why you want to get into the basketball Um, but I love that. I love that weird thing because they try to make it Like hingeable like to try to make it a little bit like well, maybe he is seeing a dinosaur

Maybe maybe that kind of shit. They try to tie it all in And furthermore king kong also made the Loch Ness monster more believable Even though the special effects look goofy now King kong was so real and nightmarish in 1933 that people left the theaters with panic attacks And seeing the monster on screen of course made it easier for them to imagine seeing something similar And as it turned out george spicer the man who wrote the brontosaurus letter that introduced long-necked dinosaurs into the nessie legend Fully admitted in an interview conducted months after the sighting that he had indeed attended a showing of king kong Just before driving around the lock that day. I mean hey, whatever

That doesn't necessarily mean it didn't exist or it didn't happen parallel thinking parallel thinking man I do when was the last time you were really shook or scared by something. It's been so long I saw a thing the other night, but again most of the times i'm really really scared It's you saw some of this guy, but it's just because i'm high And also we have a lot of You know what's scarier to me. It's like last night We had some form of murderer was like in our neighborhood or something What the helicopters were really really low last night so that thing were so I went outside

Was some form of murder maybe you know they're looking for somebody really hard the spotlights were out and so I went out And it was fun. I waved at the helicopters. You did that's not me. You're looking for Done without that. You're really actually annoying us. I pay your salary Yeah, they love it. Okay, cool. Did they find him? I'll fucking know Well, I should okay Now concerning the locals of Loch Ness They were just as surprised as anyone else to discover that this so-called monster had quote-unquote

Existed for generations But you better believe that once they discovered that people were willing to come to Loch Ness just to try and see the monster The whole country leaned into it And that's where the real blood sucking started with the tourism industry But you know, this is where they get they get criticized and cryptozoologists get criticized because this idea that they make all this fucking Oh the stacks of money So much money They don't they don't really but also Loch Ness it became like what you need that's how they lived

I remember that money Even before the Loch Ness monster it had already been like a pretty popular Vacation spot like Englishmen used to love going to Loch Ness for a vacation This just gave people a reason to go and then once they got there they're like this place is really nice Side stories lpotlgmail.com. Let me know is Loch Ness actually a nice vacation spot I heard it's great. Like I've just never heard of a magazine celebrating the beaches of scotland It's nice for a different reason. You're not going for a tropical time. It's cold and it's You're going so you can feel strong around all the british the brittle british

You can be a king again. You show up with a with a spray tan on you just look like an italian ambassador. Oh my goodness Worldwide tourism took such a jump in the 30s that the scottish travel association was actually accused of inventing the entire story themselves The person who levied this accusation was of all people Nazi propaganda minister joseph goblz I was not expecting him to show up today Hold on a second. Apparently not busy enough with world war two goblz took a break in 1940 to denounce nessy as an invention used to dupe torus in an article that he published for the

hamburger illustrator tea Which I think translates to hamburger illustrated I think you were talking about centerfolds earlier. Now I mean technically I follow several hamburgers illustrated accounts on instagram It's just like luscious pictures of burgers But I know goblz would also be so into hamburgers like that. It kind of makes me upset. No, I mean he's definitely the you know I know it's the city. It must be the city Of course for the hamburger did originate from no ham in the hamburger. It's actually beef interestingly enough another nazi that I

It is interesting that goblz is always The king of no fun Can we have one thing one thing What about nessy? What's wrong? I mean really though, what's wrong with believing in nessy? I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but it incensed goblz goblz goblz Well, he said that you know the fact that the british people believed in the Loch Ness monster was proof that the british were stupid And couldn't possibly win the war

Yeah, I also think it's interesting how all three of us uh pronounced goblz differently because I I don't know how it's pronounced So I just make it up and I stick with one and then I change it if I want to yeah We did goblz goblz and goblz goblz goblz which I I don't think goblz is correct. No goblz. That was that was his that was his son that kept in the basement I thought that goblz was just the most serious teletubby. Yeah, it was it was Yeah, then the italians jumped on the nessy bandwagon and musilini's newspaper popular detailia What does that mean? I think the popular italian Oh, the italian people or something. I'm sure that's what it means. Yeah, I have no fucking

Well the italians with all seriousness Claimed that the Loch Ness monster had been killed by an italian bomber during a raid of the uk And that the italian pilot had himself seen nessy's dead body floating in the lock Of the italian air force Everyone always says that the italians they're warcraft they don't love to just they don't love to just fuck and eat and drink water Well the daily mail of course responded to the story in a cheeky fashion Congratulating congratulating the italians on quote one of Italy's very few undisputed naval victories That's hard.

Burn from the fucking snide English. Big burn. Geez. But the Loch Ness Monster would not have reached international fame if not for the efforts of one man, Marmaduke Wetherall. Yep. Woo. That's a real name.

Mar-maduke. That's a real name. I love it. By the end of 1933, the Daily Mail decided to join in on the fun by dispatching Marmaduke as a special investigator. Marmaduke? Manning him. Mar- that's what I said.

Marmaduke Wetherall. That's his name. His name is Marmaduke? Yeah. His first name is Marmaduke. Yeah. Hey, calm Dookie for short. Well, Dookie Wetherall.

How did I not hear Marmaduke the first time? You don't know. No. I know you said that. Because you were filming us as you can. No, I do, I listen. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Marmaduke Wetherall. He was a softball pitch to you. Yeah. The look on his face was him excited to tell you in the naturally. Because I would have put in a joke about the dog. I would have talked about Marmaduke. Yeah.

My favorite cartoon, my favorite cartoon of all time. Marmaduke, stop. It's a no spin zone when he's spinning all around. No, we remember. Yeah. Ten years old. Ten years of doing the show. If I would have heard that, I would have said that at the time.

It would have been, it would have worked perfectly. Yeah. Well, the moment's past, hasn't it? Yeah. Well, there's, I'm going to be talking about Marmaduke for a while. Moments past. No jokes coming from me. But I'm just saying, if something springs to mind, there's going to be a lot of opportunities.

You've got to fill, and we have to fill those with content is what he's saying. Okay. Yeah. I think. Well, by the end of 1933, the Daily Mail decided to join in on the fun by dispatching Marmaduke as a special investigator branding him as a big game hunter. In reality, Marmaduke was a film director and actor. Yes, but there's part of it being an actor.

Is it depending on your hat? You can be anything. Yeah. You just become a cryptozoologist. You become a professional surgeon. You become a mayor of a small town. How many things have actors ruined? Like how many civilizations have they destroyed?

Yeah. Well, drawing upon his experience in the world of stage and screen, Marmaduke arrived at the lock and almost immediately exclaimed that he'd discovered and cast in plaster the monster's footprints on the lock's shore. This has been two days. There are cities and you can count each one of its toes. A one, a two. There are two toes.

Whoa, just two. All right. Interesting. I found it. Marmaduke's name. You're taking a shit as my game. Described by a BBC correspondent as a quote, dense, fruity, packy, dermatous man in pepper and salt tweens.

I could have gone with an actor. What the hell? I feel dense. I'm like upset at that because I feel like technically you could. That is me. It is fruity and packy dermatous. What the hell is packy dermatous? It sounds like he hasn't taken a dome as a elephant.

So I imagine they mean he is fat. He's just fat. They call him stupid, fruity, elephant like man in tweed. So he's a big, gay, fat man. Yes. Okay. And he's on the hunt. His name is Marmaduke and he's hunting for the lock.

He loves a monster. In those days, packy dermatous meant callus. Like he's kind of a dickhead. Oh, I thought he was fat. No, he was more my size. He was an actor. He wasn't a fatty art. Back in those days, there was only one fat actor and that was fatty art buckle.

Everyone else looked like me. We're about to get some fucking letters. Honestly, that's because actors didn't have enough money to eat back then. They were humbled. I'm like now. Marmaduke certainly sold the idea that these footprints were genuine for a period of time. But when the cast of the footprint was sent to the Natural History Museum in London, it was discovered that the footprints were that of a hippo.

Marmaduke had taken an umbrella stand fashioned from a hippo's foot and made the prince himself. And apparently the footing question is still in the possession of his grandson. Oh yeah, that's dope as hell. I'd love to have that hippo's foot. Like now you have this Loch Ness foot because then you can take this Loch Ness foot, table in. Yeah. I mean, it has to have some worth now, right? Just because of its history.

Of course. But as soon as the prince were discovered as fakes, Marmaduke announced that the monster was a seal and promptly left the area. So how always get out? Wow. It's a seal. He, yes, handed his way out of the scene and just left a bunch of disheveled, sad people. But his job was he did the show.

What was his job? He did the show. He helped create. He furthered along the Loch Ness Monster story one step. Why not alter the hippo footprint a little bit? I mean, it sounds like he didn't try. He's an actor, not a fucking proff master. Yeah.

He's a kind of lazy. Put a different toe in there or something. Yeah. I mean, well, really what his job was. Oh, you know what would be creepy? Two heels, no toes. He could have just done that himself. He could.

Technically, you could probably start doing this around various lakes. You could if I wanted to be a liar. Well, I mean, I think what his job was there was to actually just sell a few copies of the Daily Mail. He wasn't looking for long term or anything like that. He's there on the dime of the Daily Mail so the Daily Mail can put Loch Ness Monster footprints found and they sell a couple of extra editions that day. Oh, I see.

It's a media lie. Yeah. He's always been there. He's always been there. Actually, it was much worse back then. So much worse. But this was not, however, Marba Duke's last contribution to the Nessie story, which brings us to the famous Surgeon's Photograph.

Now, the Surgeon's Photograph, which features the shadowy outline of what could be a long necked creature poking its head out of the water, is the image that most of us conjure up in our head when we hear the words Loch Ness Monster. Oh, I thought Surgeon's Photograph. I thought we were talking about that one with the light bulb that was stuck in somebody's anus and they had to open that up. You remember that? I thought that was for years.

I thought that was the Surgeon's photo we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One man and one jar. You know, it was the one we used to show in the one for us, one for you, where the guy had the light bulb stuck in his fucking asshole. And they had it nice and tall. It was like it was a Cenobite. His butthole had the same face as a Cenobite.

I did look very, his butthole looked very surprised. Yeah. Well, of course, because it was thinking. That's why they had the light bulb on there. I'm not a lamp. Yeah. Well, for decades, this was the photograph people pointed towards as definitive proof that cryptids exist, placing it right alongside the Patterson film that supposedly captured

Bigfoot wandering around the forest. But in 1975, the Sunday Telegraph printed a short article in which Ian Weatherall, Marmaduke's son, revealed that the Surgeon's photograph was yet another hoax perpetrated by Marmaduke. Oh, Marmaduke's back at it again. He won't get out of the game because the game won't leave him. He won't leave him. Why even have kids? What is this?

This is ridiculous. How the hell do you scream? He snitched on his own dad. That's all they do is flip. Marmaduke was long dead by this point. Still. Okay. I'll hold all of my fucking dogs.

You have not held any of your father's secrets. No, no, no. Of course I don't. You've told so many of your father's secrets. I know everything about your dad. Technically, I know what I would perceive to be criminal police behavior. Yeah. But the difference is that I'm a performer.

Yeah. The man himself built the model using a toy submarine and wood putty. And he and his father drove up to the lock themselves to take the picture. Once the picture was developed, it was handed to a collaborator named Maurice Chambers, who then gave it to a gynecologist named Robert Wilson. And Wilson, the titular surgeon, then sold the picture to the Daily Mail and presumably split the profits amongst the participants. The goal was that they thought it would appear to be far more,

it would be more legitimate if a doctor went and told them that, hey, I have this actual evidence of the Loch Ness Monster. But they felt that it was- It was an OBGYN? Yeah. It was a gynecologist. But they decided to tell the newspaper that it was a surgeon because they also felt that saying that this was a pussy doctor's picture of the Loch Ness

Monster would make him not believable, which I actually think would make him more believable. I know all about weird, kind of wet things that are also dry. Depends on what kind of mood it is. Yeah, it's weird. It's interesting to see how they changed all that, but then when I found out it was a gynecologist, everyone started laughing. I just feel so bad for every woman that had to go to any gynecologist. Before, like, 2005.

Yikes. Because then it's like, how many times you go to the gynecologist and the guy would be like, all right, up on the table then. And then he pulls out a telescope from across the room. Right. Pop the- pop the seas. Oh, my. This is a horrible doctor.

The interesting detail about the confession is that when it was printed in the Sunday Telegraph in 1975, it didn't catch on at all. It came and went without any fanfare. Nobody knew about the picture except the people who read the paper that day. And it wasn't until 1990 that two researchers found the story and followed up. Unfortunately, by that time, both Marmaduke and Ian were long dead. Do you mean unfortunately or fortunately for the new Loch Ness Monster researchers that they found this and they didn't have the direct people to say that they made it up?

Yeah. But Marmaduke steps on, Christopher Sperling confirmed that the photo was, quote, a load of cod swallowp and always had been. A load of cod swallowp. Wow. And he knew it- He knew it- Absolutely.

What does that guy know what a load of cod swallowp tastes like? And he knew it for a fact because he had helped Ian to build the model. So it was direct- it was a direct person who was directly involved in the building of it. We need to- We need to get back as a culture, as a people. Snitches get stitches. We need to bring it back? No, stitches.

No, he does. Why not? Well- Look at Takashi69. About cryptids. I think that's where- That's where snitches get stitches. It gets to a point where like let us just have-

Because they're live. Or at least like give me a day. If it's Loch Ness Monster Day, let's not debunk them today. Like if we're at Loch Ness and we're out there doing the fun touristy, let's all look for Loch Ness and eat a bunch of hiagas dogs and shit like that. I don't want to debunk it that day. Don't do it that day. Give me till Wednesday.

Really, the version of the search and photo that is usually printed in articles and books is tightly cropped. When you look at the picture in its entirety, there is no doubt that it is merely a tiny model no more than a foot long adrift in a gigantic lock. And when it comes to Nessy Believers, the most common explanation when trying to tie it to the natural world is that the Loch Ness Monster is most likely a long extinct but very real creature called a plesiosaur. This is like in the Bigfoot communities when they're like, it is a long, these are the

people that say it is more of a human ape than not, right? Like this concept of like, it's out there. We have to find a way to just figure out what it is. And so this is a theory that might stick because I used a Latin name for a lizard. Very cool. Now this is a tempting hypothesis because we know for a fact that plesiosaurus did exist. But, you know, they went extinct 65 million years ago, but they did actually exist. We have records.

Unfortunately though. But every fucking decade, they, you know, something pops back up. You never knew that you thought was dead. You know what I mean? Now we got those little oval sunglasses again. We're back to jinkos. I saw jinkos are being sold again. I did see a pair of jinkos.

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately though, there are many reasons why no plesiosaurus exist in Loch Ness in particular. They might exist elsewhere. Sure. I'm not discounting the existence worldwide, but first, the plesiosaurus were tropical animals and the deeper waters of Loch Ness where Nessie would have had to hide to prevent

from being constantly seen never rise above 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Ah, it's a Miami dinosaur. Yeah. It likes to have fun of Margaritaville. Second, the Loch only has a total fish population of 22 tons, which wouldn't even be able to feed one plesiosaur, much less an entire breeding population. Unless you say that Nessie is merely visiting the river Ness, which links the Loch to the sea is so shallow in some areas that fishermen are able to walk across.

Maybe it takes a boat. Maybe it does take a boat. Is it possible to- Maybe you go to Nuba, have you thought about that? Maybe it takes a plane. Well, that's ridiculous. What if it walks? Could it walk?

Does it have a little feet? Does it? Nope. Does it walk? It could have a little feet. What if it has a little feet? It walks. If it's a plesiosaur, it doesn't have little feet.

It has flippers. Yeah, it would have flippers. So no, that's where you're also fucking wrong. All right. Third, plesiosaurs were not fish and therefore breathed air, which means that if even one plesiosaur did exist in the Loch, it would need to surface several times an hour to catch its breath. Finally, the biggest strike against the theory is that the Loch has been dredged multiple

times and not a single plesiosaur bone or in fact any bone that might be considered monstrous has been found. I don't like all this like science. Well, they have dredged and they've scanned it multiple times and then they just haven't found, they haven't found it yet. Not yet. Right. I think that's the key.

That's the, it hasn't been found yet. Well, it's obviously an introvert. It's very shy. It doesn't want to be bothered. It could be a goth plesiosaur. Yeah, maybe it moved on. And speaking of attempts to find the creature, countless attempts and an untold amount of money has been spent to try and find the creature that with hindsight is now obviously a joke

that just got way out of hand. People need Nessie though. They love Nessie. It's good for the local economy. It's good for the local economy. It is. It's good for their spirits. Sure.

The mascot of Nessie. There's something about it. I think what it is is that it makes Scotland more mysterious. Yeah. Like when Stonehenge, when like the whole thing kind of came out that they kind of believe that it's just a calendar, that's disappointing. No one wants all this effort to go into a fucking calendar. I got a calendar with a fucking Garfield on it.

Right. I mean, it's a fucking shit about a fucking calendar. Shit. I don't need to remind, always be reminded of my appointments. Well, it's just such a big calendar. They could have made it so much smaller. Yeah. So you could see how they're like, but this allows us to add some more mystery, just more

mystery to Scotland than just does everyone not wear underwear underneath their clothes there. Oh my goodness. Well, I want to live in a world where Loch Ness Monster exists. So therefore it does. Okay. Block it out. Block it out.

Me too. I also think that Q believes in the Loch Ness Monster. No. I think that Q was probably with Goibles on this one. In 1934, a man named Sir Edward Mountain hired 20 unemployed men from the Inverness Labor Exchange to keep vigil around the Loch for a month, and all they came away with were pictures of boatwakes, one photo of an ambiguous hump, and a month's worth of drinking next to the lake on a rich man's dime.

That's what I'm fucking talking about, Robin. That's what you're talking about. He's making jobs. He's making the funnest jobs in the world, which is just the label of cryptid stakeout. It's one of the funnest weeks you can have. That's incredible. A month of getting paid two pounds a day just to sit and drink and take pictures. I love it.

Hey, what'd you see today, McGinny? Nothing. Me too. I guess the job's got to continue to tomorrow. It better. In 1964, the constant camera approach was tried by the Loch Ness Phenomena Investigation Bureau. However, after several months of 24-7 filming and further years of on-and-off monitoring,

nothing was captured. In 1969, the Loch Ness Phenomena Investigation Bureau tried a different approach and fielded a custom-made yellow submarine that they dubbed Viperfish. They made it a snake, but it's a fish. And they armed it with something called a biopsy harpoon. None of this is going to work. That is not an exact instrument. No.

I would actually be really upset if I went into my GP and I found out it's like, all right, we're ready to find out if the skin cancer is actually spread. Let me get my biopsy harpoon. Oh, no. I have to fire it from the lobby. You have to act like a whale. We're going to put you in this tub. Okay, harpoon him.

Unfortunately, it's stage four. Yeah, you're going to die in a month. Unfortunately, you have to die of immediately terminal harpoon cancer. Yeah, sorry. Underwater photography was also useless because the waters of Loch Ness are so opaque as to be described as inky. And not even sonar, which one would think could ferret out such a large creature easily, produced any results.

Even with all these failures, there are still some who maintain that the creature is real. And when faced with the fact that the river Ness is too shallow for the visitation theory, they suggest that Loch Ness might be connected to the sea through underwater tunnels. Ooh. Could be. They've been talking about this for a while. It is intriguing. Sure.

It is intriguing. This was disproven in 1933. A long time ago. What was that? It was disproven in 1933. By that freaking dog? By that comic strip dog? Yep.

I don't believe him. No, it's simple science. Loch Ness is 50 feet above sea level. If there were tunnels to the sea, Loch Ness would have been drained of all water millennia ago. Why are we talking all these tunnels in the sea then? Simple science. What are you, a butler?

This is ridiculous. Ain't nothing simple about it. The Loch Ness monster is real. It's gravity. It's just gravity. Gravity. How can something that's full of water be bigger than the sea level? It is the sea.

You can't tell the ocean and you can't say, oh, you're above the ocean level. The ocean says, I'm a level. It's the level. I'm a level. The lake is the level, right? You try to argue with us now. Now are the tables have turned. Does the water evaporate as old as water always goes now?

Okay. I don't know fucking water physics 100%. I trusted a scientist when he said it's 50 feet above sea level so it's going to all drain out. If it's above sea level, there's a tunnel to the sea. That's his first mistake. There's full fucking nerds every day that go to some big fancy fucking college and they get money to research things called imaginary numbers.

Can you think about that? How about, where's our tax dollars going? I don't know how that. We're gone, John. I'm not sure how you got to that tax dollars again. I'm going on. I'm stopping the country. This is how we got into the mess we're in today.

That's a Marmaduke. But despite the total bust, that is Loch Ness, there are plenty more lake monsters around the world that might not be so clear cut and the vast majority of them are, for some reason, up in my neck of the woods. In New York State and Vermont, we have Champ, the great beast of lake Champlain. Champ is a beloved, beloved creature. They love this lizard. Yeah.

Lake Champlain is 23 times larger than Loch Ness and was known as the sixth Great Lake for just 18 days until it was stripped of the title when it was discovered that Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy had hidden the redesignation in a routine funding bill. That's called a responsible senator who's fighting for his constituents. I am a looker. Leahy, that name has been ruined by trailer park boys. I am a looker. This is actually great though.

That's what I want my senators to be doing. Honestly, you're trying to bump us up? Absolutely. Get the tourism in there. It's a beautiful part of the country. The story of lake monsters living in Lake Champlain actually predates the arrival of Europeans in America because local tribal legend has it that Champ is the result of a love affair gone wrong.

It's a very romantic. It's a romantic story. Champ, you'll see. He's a lover. Okay. According to legend, a Native American princess by the name of Bo Waga had two suitors, which naturally led to the spurning of one. The spurned suitor threw Bo Waga from a cliff into what is now known as Bo Waga Bay and

the princess drowned. Like a fucking spear. That's horrible. I hope the other person got revenge and killed that man. Well, stricken by grief over what he had done, the suitor picked up two large stones and followed her into the depths. Wait, what? He just killed himself afterwards?

Yeah, he was dead. Yeah, he had so much grief. He was overcome with grief. Bo Waga. I guess he really did love her. He did? I guess. The fates, however, changed him into a sea monster destined to mourn his love forever.

And it is said that you can still sometimes hear the monster crying Bo Waga at dawn. Bo Waga! That's a kind of policy, though. Beautiful name. Bo Waga. Bo Waga. Bo Waga rolls off the tongue. It is kind of cute.

But why would he be rewarded with eternal life as a cryptid? He's not. But isn't that what the, I mean, it's so much more fun not to be dead. No, think about this. The thing about Cogsworth the other day, the clock man from Beauty and the Beast, right? And the trauma that would come from Cogsworth, the clock man. Right. Being made into an inanimate object for 20 years.

Yeah, but at least the clock you take in the scan is tall. It knows what time it is. But you are a sentient man. You're a sentient gay man trapped inside of a clock. I don't think we know he's gay. He acts like it. Okay. And then he goes, I don't know what he does.

I'm not sure. And then he goes every day, living this life, wanting to speak, wanting to yell, wanting to shit, wanting to come, wanting to take a walk, wanting to play a video game. Can't do any of it. No. He's trapped in this form. Think about that, that man trapped in a lizard's body. Honestly, the clock is not even the top 10 worst things.

You could be the toilet. You could be one of the little tea cups. Then you just, you're in prison because you're just in a show. But they like to be used. They're used to be used. The Beast didn't use them. I mean, the Beast used the toilet. But the toilet literally serves a function.

That's the whole song in that movie's about, is about how they used to serve a function and now they're just stuck in this home. Yeah. I just feel like the clock isn't that bad. If I had to choose one. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, as far as sightings from Europeans go, it was said that an explorer named Samuel de Champlain, for whom the lake is now named, saw a 20-foot serpent swimming in the lake in 1609, thick as a barrel, and sporting the head of a horse. Cool. This, however, was completely made up or mistranslated in 1970 for an article in a magazine called Vermont Life. Oh my goodness, Vermont Life. What is that?

Just one page stuck together with maple syrup that you can never open. It's a whole thing chastising you for buying the magazine because the magazine is a waste of paper. And it's just constant pictures of that Bernie Sanders meme. Absolutely. I'm asking you to buy more flannel. They have full flannel sections. It's a nice place, Vermont.

It's appropriate. It's a peaceful place. I love Vermont. It's freezing, though. And they have a lot of guns. Yes, they do. They do. Most likely, Champlain saw a six-foot-long gar, which, to a European, would be a fearsome

fish indeed. Do you know a gar? I actually know what the gar is. A big fish with a big sword at the end of its nose. Yes. Whoa. I'm looking at it now. Oh yeah, this is crazy.

It's got the big clack in teeth. It kind of looks like an alligator mouth. That's kind of cool. Yeah. I can see why you'd think that was a monster if you'd never seen that thing before. Can we also just say that we live with all the monsters? No, that's real. I'm looking at it.

I'm like, that is real, right? That is the truth. We do have monsters. There are monsters. You can still get a 15-foot-fucking gator. And that is just as real and as dangerous and as fucked up as any one of these fake monsters. Okay. There were, however, other sightings in times of yore.

In 1819, a stout seaman named Captain Crumb claimed to have seen a 187-foot-long black monster with a flat head rearing 15 feet out of the water. And would you believe it? It was going in and out of my wife in a hotel room. Oh my God. I think you've got some issues. From what Captain Crumb said, it had three teeth, a white star on its forehead, and large eyes the color of a peeled onion.

It was an onion, I see. I don't know. So his eyes were the color of a peeled onion. My favorite flower. Well, that's not that. It's actually disgusting. At times, other people have reported champ as gray, black, brown, reddish brown, or moss green.

It's said to be drab or shiny, scaly or smooth, and sometimes slimy. It also possesses, depending on the sighting, fins, horns, elephant ears, moose antlers, glowing eyes, or alligator jaws. And alternatively, it also sometimes has none of these. Something for everybody. Yeah. Or nothing for nobody. Yeah.

Look at that. That's us. That's cool. I love the idea of a sea creature with antlers. That is freaking trippy. But honestly, a sea creature would never have antlers. No, it would not need them. Because it would drag in the water.

Like, it would be difficult for them to swim in the water. Yeah, no fucking shit, Henry. I know that. Well, you want me to go put an antler on a goldfish right now, see if it grows into them? That'd be cool. I'll get a game. I'll do it.

I mean, compared to a giant snake, a steam yacht, a horse, a manatee, a whale, or a gigantic Newfoundland Labrador. Sure. Again, it literally is everything. Yeah. So. Most likely, though, champ is logs. Champ is logs.

What? Excuse me? Champ is logs. Champ is logs. Like, the monster is logs. Yeah, the monster is logs. The monster is logs. The amount of anger and rage that I feel towards both of you, Henry, you're actually within

striking distance. I'm actually, I just can't believe we're here. You know what he do? The monster is logs. Every time you want to hit me, Kissel, you know what I suggest you do? Go outside the door and just spin. It's kind of fun. It gets the rage away.

All right, let's take a 10 minute break. I am dizzy. I am dizzy. There was a lot of spinning and yelling. Yeah, that was a lot. That's fine. In 2003, there was a compelling discovery. Okay, give me something.

In that year, the Fauna Communications Research Institute, in conjunction with the Discovery Channel, recorded sounds in Lake Champlain that were similar to Beluga whales or dolphins, even though neither are known to live in the lake. Okay, now we're getting there. Do logs do that? I don't know. As far as evidence goes, a Vermonter named Dennis Hall claimed to have caught a baby champ in 1976, a Champlain, if you will.

Rich to him looked like a snapping turtle without its shell. The species was sent to a nearby university for study, but nothing conclusive was found and the carcass ended up in a high school science lab where it was quickly thrown away. How'd you throw that away? It's so much fun to have. You can say you have a Champlain. You can name its name. You can have it stuffed.

That's like, what a... Definitely should have thrown it away. That's good shenanigans. Absolutely. I hate when people throw out good fucking shenanigans. Why would they throw it away? They probably got stinky. They probably forgot to put it.

It's a bunch of high school kids. They probably could have put it in formaldehyde, sold it to the Mutter Museum, but nope. They probably got stinky and then they got thrown away. That's how all those kids get thrown away as soon as they get stinky. But regardless of what's in there, if anything, champ is technically a protected species because in 1983, the New York state legislature apparently felt it was necessary to pass a law protecting champ from, quote, any willful act resulting in death, injury, or harassment. Well, it's very important that they focused on that.

No, absolutely. Because the crack epidemic... Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. People are super excited when the government says like cute things about cryptids because in a way, it kind of creates more psychic energy in the psychic bank account of these

things existing because kind of the to несколько as aspect of it, where more and more people talk about it, create genuine real rules surrounding it. Eventually, like you're creating space for it in your mind and you kind of make this little weird world where it is real because there is a piece of legislature that says named champ the lake monster on it right a bunch of people we paid money to go legislate this and they did it so technically we willed it into an existence what about closing Rikers only if it was filled with champs then we would pay attention to it okay I've actually got kind of a feeling that

this was probably targeted towards upstate yokels guys throwing dynamite into the lake yeah I shoot and want to shoot we are not a great for a reason y'all because they because of our behavior because of what we do great I look fishing by dynamite people would just throw like they would plug in toasters to their yacht and throw it in the water try to kill it with it we love to find new ways to kill things I went on a fishing trip with my dad's buddies once and I will not lie and tell you they did not shoot a gun into the water at one point when we were on the boat that makes sense you actually probably

wanted to do that they were visibly intoxicated yeah you're gonna you're gonna actually want to do they could have shot the boat that was bad or each other or each other yeah yeah actually that's you know what given the stories of your father and his friends that's the most reasonable they have ever acted I was just glad they were all having fun yeah not mad because whenever we got surly and it got scary did you get to shoot the gun no but my dad did take me to the range a couple times I was next to my comic book store I used to have really fun mornings we used to go and I get the new spider-man 2099 and then I

get to go squeeze off squeeze off a couple of rounds that is the fucking range okay cool well Lake Champlain isn't just bordering New York it also borders Vermont and champ is it the only lake monster in Vermont there's Seymour of Seymour Lake Willy of Willoughby Lake Miss Crystal of Crystal Lake and of course memfrey the monster of Lake Memphromogog like the monster of Lake Memphromagog now I know that we're saying it wrong we know it's not Memphromagog we don't know we don't know what it's pronounced but you can tell us it might have been Memphomagog I can't see any other way to

pronounce pronounce it other than Memphromagog Memphromagog they always have to be like you know for a fact it's Memphromagog and you're like I don't know you should know that also there is a there's a crystal lake in Minneapolis that has a life-size Jason Voorhees on the bottom of it that's very cool that's great now the sightings of Memphrey are pretty standard as far as lake monsters go but the interesting thing about it is that there's a woman named Barbara Malloy who claims exclusive rights to the creature and it's threatened to sue anyone who tries to even cover it I love that cryptids

also has I want to see the manager women right yeah absolutely but is she talking about it or does she just want it to be dead as of the writing of the book lake monsters she was the head of the International Dracontology Society of Lake Memphromagog although she wasn't the founder the founder was actually across the border in Canada a man named Jacques Boisvert who built himself in 1986 as the world's first and leading dracontologist however it seems as if some bad blood has developed between Barb and Jacques over the years because even though the two of them collaborated in founding the International

Dracontology Society of Lake Memphromagog Jacques was indeed one of the people Barb threatened to sue for trying to cover Memphrey in 2003 okay she also is because she owns the word dracontology right so you can't you can't say the word you can look at but she doesn't understand is that you can't own the dragon spirit because if you if you ask Quora many people say they are dragons I asked last night there are people this is true because within dracontology there is you know that we're now in other Ken world right this idea that people think that they're dragons sure now it's it is far more

pervasive than it ever I like that you use the word pervasive if it is an epidemic how many people are we talking I would say the up to a dozen up to it that's a lot that is all that's a lot because it's up like here because on this website according to esotericonline.net the only source I could find for dracontology because I think Barbara shut it all down do you have a personal spiritual dragon that helps guide you sometimes and dwells within you ready to lend his courage and wisdom to you in a time of need keep the flame of the dragon as a light to see into the darkness and remember that there are

always more than one side to every coin and every situation your dragon as a treasure so keep it close to your heart and all and it will help you guide you well and I told Marcus I sent him the the pamphlet you have to ask a bus your question here to tell you how much dragon you are how unique what kind of dragon are you Marcus I didn't answer all 100 questions 100 questions it is a 100 questions long survey I can read you a couple of the I'm gonna read you just a couple of the questions if you want to hear it all have you ever oh have have you ever signed your human email with your dragon name

have you I have not done that sorry have you ever have you ever found yours have you ever been called by your draconic name yeah your dragon name what is it what is mine here's probably like Draco Fortanomus this is demeaning to me man have you ever hired a typist because you can't type it fast enough with talons with your talons have you ever have you ever read a description of a dragon in a book and thought hey I'm not like that I'm this type got a dragon you thought about it now that may be that's more in the realm of possibility you know I love it I love it I just looked it up it's like

do people think they dragons so this one this came up many people say they are dragons are they really dragons and then mysteriously what do they say Draco Silvis answered there are many there are many who are dragons too yes we dragons exist we are the makers of the world peaceful yet naturally predatory complete opposite of humans with your prey and now foe predators and seek nothing more than to kill unlike natural predators who respect the life they take I am really a dragon well in this cursed body nice spirit speaks freely I don't hold it back so yes although I have the body of this filthy furlous and scale lacking monster it is only a puppet for my spirit once killed my spirit will be

let go it can't be a forced killing it needs to be natural it's something called being fairy and I love that guy I love the way you stormed the Capitol I love the way that he stole all of AOC shoes well for Barb's part she claims to have seen memfrey on several occasions including one time in which she thought she'd captured it with a camera but had instead taken a picture of a swimming moose I knew I knew that nobody else had seen him and I took a picture of him and would you believe the most in your picture I love that Vermont of the land of the swimming moose yeah but concerning mooses perhaps North America's

most famous lake monster is Canada's Oga Pogo yes second only to the Loch Ness Monster Oga Pogo has been seen over 330 times since the 1700s however Oga Pogo seems to be a much friendlier almost social creature who is sometimes seen with the smaller creatures dubbed Oga Pups but like champ the local tribes have a tragic tale to go along with Oga Pogo this is not romantic this one is merely near there why always tragic though because they had suffered a lot the indigenous people suffer they did we need to focus on the indigenous people much much more in this country I mean not many stories come from I had a good

day you know yeah they can they can yeah John Krasinski 20 million dollars and he has not released an episode yet no yeah there's no good news yeah no not at all all right according to the legends Naetaka as the natives call it was at one point a man named Kel Oni Wan who committed murder most foul by beating an old man to death with a club on Rattlesnake Island depends on what the old man did if it was a murder most foul he would have killed him with a chicken this is why I'm not armed I would shoot I would shoot you right now and probably tried to shoot in Marcus you know if it was a murder most foul he probably tried

to hit him with a pigeon and I could put any bird in there yeah if it was a murder most foul I probably would have tried to hit him with it. I don't think pigeons are foul. Yeah they are they're a bird. You're not all birds are foul. No. Are they? I don't know. I've become derailed in my own mind I don't I'm not sure. I think that all birds are foul. We can't stop to look at it. Don't look at it. I will not. I will not. I will answer it on side stories. Well as punishment the gods made the murderer a restless creature who would forever haunt the scene of the crime since then Naetaka guards Rattlesnake Island extracting a toll of gold tobacco or animal sacrifice from anyone

looking to make the journey. That's like what a dragon behavior. He got rewarded. He murdered a bunch of people and then got to be encrypted that was forced to be fed and given tobacco otherwise he was going to murder again this is a reward. Okay so all of this is an extension of fact that you just wish that you didn't have to work. You know what I mean? No. You didn't have to be encrypted. You just are it's so maybe it's because how many people have called you a big foot or have said this I've said this about you that you just have this idea that living in a lake with no responsibilities is the most incredible fate for you. Number one you

have to swim every day you don't think that that's easy that's very hard to do. True. That's very hard and you have to eat. No you do have a lot of responsibility you're the star. You think that people are going to Nessie to hang out with the person who owns the store that has like the Nessie trinkets they want to hang out with Nessie. That's true he does make a point. That's true. The crypt is on the star. There's the Drake. Yes they are the Drake. But what's interesting about Naetaka is that a petroglyph from 1700 BCE depicts a vertically undulating water monster that is remarkably similar to the descriptions made by people who claim to have seen Ogopogo in the 20th century

almost 4,000 years later. Whoa! Undulating. But honestly that is the end of our tale of lake monsters. I do think it's interesting up to a point how many people have talked about seeing things in the water. I think that it's got a lot to do with it's truly the frontier we can understand. Undiscovered. Where like we can't understand like while we know space is a concept. Space is very real. I think we know space exists. But we don't know

what it's like to go to space as humans. A lot the majority of us don't know. Deep space. We're not gonna go to the moon in back but that's it. But I mean like we don't see the moon. We don't leave in it. We don't leave in the shuttle. No we don't do the moon. No we won't allow us on the moon. Apparently we're talking bears. You can see in the water and the mystery is in the water. But we don't discover much with the water. But I'm saying those are the places where we think we know more about space than we do the ocean. I'm actually completely in disagreement with you. Our all birds follow. Honestly can we figure that out? Our all birds follow. I think that we got ourselves to a point where we are

so dumb that we have hurt the next series we're gonna do. Honestly folks you got to have a little palate cleanser for your brain as well. And Lake Monsters again as I said in this episode it's more fun to believe that they exist. And we don't know what's down there. And we don't know if the bloop is getting bigger and bigger because we keep on feeding it plastic and maybe it loves plastic bags. And if it does it's really really I hope it does because it has a lot of them that it can eat. But also we don't think that there's just plenty of monsters that are in the water that you can see that we know about that are scary. It's horrifying. So yes over time I imagine some people did see a great white chakrasaw big thing they thought it was a lake monster or they did

see a big massive super squid and they thought it was a monster. So these are monsters aren't they? Marcus what do you think? How scared are you of the of water? Are you super? Because you're a land based animal. You're a Texan. I love water. You like water okay? Yeah I love water. No I grew up near a lake. Yeah I spent most of my childhood in a dirty brown, brown lake. Lake Stamford. It was fucking filthy. You couldn't see a foot in front of your face. I love that place. Well that explains why you like it so much. I am not a lake guy. So nice sounding. Like honestly I'm not a lake guy. I like a nice beach. I like rivers. I like moving water. I specifically only enjoy the Gulf of Mexico. That's just your guapo-wapo spirit. I mean it's the truth. You got that fucking water

like glass. So you can sit out there with the fucking corona. You could sit out there with the fucking paradiso and they don't fuck. You don't they don't even get bobbled too much while you're laying out there on a tube man. You're spitting there. You're listening to this fucking hangar man. Have a good time. Well we hope everyone had a good time listening to this episode. It was certainly educational in its own fun way because you know the interesting thing about myths it keeps us going as a civilization. We've had myths forever and what more fun to keep the kids from drowning than telling them there's a demon in the water. I mean that's how you keep them out. I mean that's basically probably what all this is right. Like parents

be like don't go in there. There's a there's a monster in the water so don't drown. It's probably worth the as far as the folklore as far as how the folklore develops. That's a hundred percent where it all comes. It's pretty much always that like don't yeah. It's cross our kids alive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't hop on a strange horse. It's especially if it's sticky. And again that's why your grandfather's not allowed over here. Yeah because the horse is sticky. That horse got into the soup. Oh my god. Guys this next series we're about to do is a it's the A4 mentioned many mentioned times. The big redo series. We're very excited for you to be experiencing it. That's right. We'll be doing lake monsters again next to again and again.

We're doing actually Lake. That's a big year. You're the lake monsters. You're Lake theory. Yeah. Lake theory. Lake theory for the next 10 episodes. Can't wait. So it's going to be huge. No. Honestly. We lost a bet. We and now we're stuck. We got a big message from Spotify. Swedes love stories about seaweed. And that's what we're doing from now on. I was just bored the spot in Europe. But no guys. We so excited for the next next topic because it is a near and dear to my heart. I cannot fucking wait because I already feel more powerful. Wow. You do. I don't know if that's a good man. I already feel more powerful because it's all about finding our true will and all of the noise that we create all day. Get in the way

of our true will and harnessing our true will. And sometimes all it takes is a little bit of mescaline and power botting. Yeah. A lot of anal. Also we so obviously as as most of you are yeah. Yeah. As most of you know we weren't able to do the book tour as of right now that has been canceled. We're not upset about it. I fucking love it. I want it for vacation time. I just think you've been screaming about that how you were like I'm so happy to be home. I'm so excited to not go on that tour and not see all of our friends on the road and not have all the fun and not do all that. It's going to be great. That's right. I'm letting it. I've let it go and I've put it behind me. Yes. The New Year has begun. The New Year began February 1st. I've let it go

and put it behind me. Okay. Very good. Not at all a problem. Everyone is totally mentally stable. I am now. I wasn't. But I am now. As long as you keep on script. This is I believe both of you. And so yes that is what it is. And we love you guys. We can't wait to see you. And later on this year we we're just we're just going to see you. I don't care. I'm done next week. We have an announcement that will be that you will see and we're going to start because to be we are we are getting there. We're getting there. It's almost done. Thank you on straight up. I just want to say thank you to everybody who's stuck through us. Stuck through us. Everybody is stuck with us this last year and the amount of incredibly nice messages in the

amount of support that we have gotten from you guys and how it makes us want to work harder and make sure that we are doing like we're entertaining your fucking ass but also educating your fucking asses. Entered edutainment is its highest level. You want to say that after we just did lake monsters. This episode is different. This is a palette cleanser. Right. Because if someone writes their thesis and credits us for this they're going to they shouldn't be graduating college but depends on what they're going to school for. No that's true. But we want to thank you guys. And we can't wait to see your fucking faces so soon. Absolutely. And we will see you soon. Keep on supporting all the shows here on the last podcast network. Kind of fun. We're

talking wrestling and sports top hat. We talk politics wizard and the bruiser. They talk entertainment and nerd culture. And of course page seven acting actors and actresses. And the big thing too is we got two new podcasts coming to you in the next month where you have got a show called someplace underneath will be a brand new podcast. It's about missing people. Very, very excited. And then we are doing a Holden McNeely and I have listened to the crowds. If you listen to the crowds you guys would probably commit suicide. And we know that you guys are interested in traversing the faint within a faint within a faint that is the world of Dune. And Dune cast will be coming to you Marge. And I will tell you what my brain is deeply split right

now between the world of Dune and our next topic. And I think it's making me better. Yeah. Wow. I'm actually going to, you know what Marcus? We're going to take that information Henry just said. We're in those eggshells. Put them on the ground. Let's walk on them. Let's walk on eggshells all week. Whoa. See, you know what's been helping me is that I do the reading in the bath now that I've been drawing baths for myself. That's all that we're going to lake monster. All right. No one wants to hear about how you draw a bath for yourself. God, that's disgusting. Yeah. And also don't forget about no dogs in space. Of course. The entire first season now available for listening on all platforms. People are loving it. We got new merch for that fucking bullshit. He's already

agreed. He said he struck a truce with me and Kissel and he is going to be doing the Marshall Tucker ban first up in the next series. Thank you guys so much for helping us start with Marshall Tucker ban moving on to the Oak Ridge boys. After that might be Bob Seeger. I don't know if we can handle Bob Seeger yet. Honestly Bob Seeger would be amazing. Yeah. But definitely Arkansas. Oh yeah. People called Bob Seeger a seller because of like a rock. He just don't even. All right. I'm actually going to get upset. Yeah. But he just I mean honestly I mean he can sell one song. Bob Seeger was for the work at man. Bob Seeger was the Midwest Bruce Springsteen. He really was and Bruce Springsteen Milwaukee South Jersey. What's his name? South. What's the other guy?

Bon Jovi. Yep. Tom Petty. I'm just taking that. That's where you have to end. Hail yourselves everyone. Hail Satan. Oh hell yeah. I'm a goose deletion. Hail. Hail him. Hail me. Hail us. Yeah. Hail him is too. That's scary. Yeah. Put anything in there. Yeah. Anybody in there. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.