Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 455: The Goblin Universe

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

This week we explore the Goblin Universe — a hypothetical dimension conceptualized by a writer named Ted Holiday that incorporates aliens, ghosts, cryptids, and all manner of the unexplained. We go chapter by chapter through Holiday's posthumously-published book, to make sense of this unifying theory of the paranormal.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Oh my fucking pink tints are so full of goblins! They're full of goblins, huh? Oh look at them training, get out!

Hey, wait, ow, ow! Oh, wait a second, let me feel... Oh, this is just cancer. Oh my goodness, that's the worst kind of goblin. Fuck, I thought my breasts were just turning into M&M chocolate chip cookies, but it's riddled with hummus. Oh my goodness, what a horrible way for the doctor to tell you that. Devastating information. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, everyone.

I am Ben, hanging out with Marcus and hanging out with the newly riddled with breast cancer, Henry Zabrowski. Oh no. And that's how we're gonna begin breast cancer awareness. Here, on last podcast on the left. For you big titty boys out there, check your tits for marbles. Truly? That is true. Because if you have even, unfortunately, even one marble in there, you gotta go to a doctor. Absolutely, and don't have any shame in it either.

Look, I'm doing it right now. Men get breast cancer. Look at me grab whole handfuls of this. You should have a little bit more shame in it. I talked about it outside stories this week, how my father looked at my half-nude body in the pool, and he looked at himself and he's just like, oh my god, Henry Thomas, you got tits just like me. And I was like, this took this long? It's also kind of an insult, but it's not because he said just like me.

But you're 75 years old, you're essentially dying of emphysema. So you're saying that we got the same body while you have a wasting disease. And technically, I do yoga three times a week. Alright, well the yoga is definitely helping. Look at me. You look great, why goblins? Why goblins? Why goblins?

Kissing goblins? Increasing goblins? In bed with a goblin, that's where we are today. Oh, that's right. Classic Alex Jones mix tape. Alright, today we're covering the goblin universe. It is a universe of goblins. Indeed.

We are just pink monkeys at the bottom of it. No kidding. The goblin universe is a theoretical dimension conceptualized by a writer named Ted Holliday who wrote equally about the Loch Ness Monster and about Angling, boasting both a book called The Great Orm of Loch Ness published in 1968 and a book called Sea Trout, How to Catch Them in 1956. Isn't Angling when you stand up in class in eighth grade with a boner and trying to make sure no one sees it?

You've talked about this before, and I've still never experienced it. I've kept my boners at home with my computer where they belong. But this book, we're going to talk about... You know, this is one of these... I mean, honestly, you better be half in the back for this episode because it's going to require you to... Most people listen driving. Mentally limber for this episode.

There's a lot of weird concepts. We're basically going to talk about how one pan-paranormal theory comes to light. Yeah. So essentially, the goblin universe was outlined in a book of the same name that was never intended to be published, but a cult superstar writer, Colin Wilson, took it upon himself to publish the book after Ted Holliday died against Holliday's wishes.

He specifically didn't want people to read this book. Because, number one, Ted Holliday, who I can only imagine is similar to Ted Pillman, like I imagine Ted Pillman in my mind. You tube Ted Pillman. There's a carload of goblins. They're saving him for you. Some deep cuts today. But he viewed his experiences with the paranormal as a tent amount to his life.

They changed his entire life. He had many experiences with the paranormal, and they haunted him. He was trying to understand towards the end of his life was, what the hell does it all mean? Why does all of this shit happen? Why is it so difficult to get proof of the occult? Why is it so difficult to come up with what's essentially a ground-level, full theory that encapsulates the entire occult world,

which is ghost aliens cryptids, which is what we also tried to do here on last podcast on the left. Absolutely. One of the things that I find, and what Ted Holliday specifically found, is that it's impossible to do. That's number one. Number two, when you talk about it out loud, you sound like what? A moron.

I sound like some of you can't hire. I wouldn't say a moron. You don't sound like a moron. I'd say you sound special. Creative. Creative. Thank you, Marcus. Thank you for the second word there.

And number three, he didn't come to a conclusion. No. And so that's the reason, the true reason why he didn't want the book to be published was because, again, in his pursuit of figuring out what are the limits of this goblin universe, he found that the boundaries were not only blurry, but so were his tools, so were the examples, so was his whole life, because I think he also drank a lot. I think that proves he's using the scientific method.

Sometimes you don't get the results you want. Yeah. Now, because the book, The Goblin Universe, was never meant to be published, it's a bit of a mess, and the ideas are all over the place. So on this one, we're going to go through the book chapter by chapter and discuss some of the ideas contained therein, especially considering how we're getting ready for a doozy of a series starting next week. So this is kind of like an app-a-teaser.

And again, that is, I don't want to blow this again. I said this on the stream yesterday, we're covering COVID. We're going to do a 10-core series on COVID. It's about time we remember what happened just a couple of days ago. Technically, yesterday. Yes, and now. It's not too far off. In the introduction to the book, Colin Wilson gives a bit of a summary of the life of Ted Holliday,

starting with Ted's fascination with the Loch Ness Monster. I hate lakes, and I hate what's in them, except it's fish, and then, you know what, at the same time, fish are fucking boring as well. What? Apparently, Ted Holliday first saw the Loch Ness Monster in 1962 after becoming fascinated with it as a child in 1933, and this sighting in 1962 came after Ted has spent hundreds of hours searching for it. But after seeing it once, Ted Holliday knew what to look for,

and he saw it again several times throughout the 60s. You notice it by its lovely Loch Ness lady lumps. And that's the true, it's the classic tri-hump, whatever the Loch Ness Monster you think it is, that thing that comes out of the waves. We covered it a little bit in our Lake Monsters episode, and even a little bit more in our USOs episode that we did last week, where we talk about how mysterious the ocean can be. How many beer cans, so he's in the middle of the lake, he's on a boat,

how many beer cans surround that boat as he slams them? One more for the water. One more for me. How many do you think he drank there in the middle of the water? He wasn't a drunk, Henry was just slandering a man. Besides the Loch Ness Monster, Ted Holliday was also fascinated with Carl Jung's idea of synchronicity, which is something that we ourselves here at Last Podcast have experienced time and again over the years. Especially when we are doing episodes, Men in Black,

where we talked about how often the visage of Tommy Lee Jones and how it haunted me throughout that entire series. And also when we did the JFK series, episode number 400, when we dropped it, the day we dropped it, also Bob Dylan put out his first single to ever hit number one on the billboard charts that day as well, his weird mumble rap about JFK. It all happened the same day. Absolutely, and hopefully this episode we can start giving a little bit of respect to the goblin because the only movie made about goblins is called Trolls.

It is sad, so it's time we show some love to the goblin. But also a big goblin show we want to reach out to, because this episode really is in the spirit of people that have been chasing ultra terrestrials for forever. Number one, this book is a sister book, as far as I'm concerned, to The Eighth Tower by John Keel, and it's also a sister book to passage to McGonia that was written by Jacques Ballet. But more often than not, when we talked about our friends, the New Kirks, and their web series that they did Hellier, that is describing the goblin universe on its own, and what they went for, looking for literal goblins,

and it was really about the friends that they made along the way. This story... That's a great little doc though. It really is, it's wonderful, but this story is about this concept of when you go searching through mysteries, when you go searching for mysteries, and as Ted Holliday describes it himself, is that you find that the mysterious part of the universe is like an actor that wears all masks at once for all of his performances. But it's sometimes when you find that when the actor removes each one of those masks... He's on trial for something horrible.

No, when you start to see. Would you be able to seize yourself? Okay, okay. Well, furthermore, Holliday was also interested in Young's ideas about UFOs, namely that they weren't real, but were actually projections of the human mind, a portent of long-lasting transformations of the collective human psyche. They're there to teach us about ourselves because, I mean, why else would they be there? Because it's just, you know, because it's all about us, Kissel.

Everyone did agree with my assessment of time and light as well, by the way. 75 million, that's what... So when it gets back to the alien planet, there's... The footage that they're collecting right now, they're not going to see it for 750 million years. You were right one time, like Greta Thornberg was right, one time to be scared of the ocean. Extrapolating from Young and other sources, Holliday began to believe that there were connections between UFOs, mythical beasts, paranormal entities, and lay lines. And of course, lay lines are straight paths of quote-unquote energies that connect

various historical structures and landmarks around the globe. But he did good work on that, though. The lay line stuff, I thought was more interesting in this book than I've read in other books. Is it true? With the lay line stuff, you know, if you look at Washington D.C., there's like a pentagram thing. That's not a lay line, is it? No, it's Masonic influence, bro. Alright, dude.

No, a lay line is like how you can trace a straight line from the Nazca lines in Peru over to Stonehenge. Yeah, I mean, some of it's bullshit. But when he loops in the idea of Feng Shui and the idea of natural energy sources, and when he talks about the idea that it's not straight lines, that it's kind of geological formations can maybe call towards specific phenomena. It's the idea that places like Stonehenge are built on areas of energy. You know, like that people are attracted to certain areas of the earth to build these ancient landmarks for whatever reason. Magnetized nickel.

Yeah. Magnetized nickel. Did you talk about it? It's magnets, bro. Okay. You just brought those two words out of nowhere and you're yelling at me. Natural aquifers. Okay.

Closer, ma'am. Natural aquifers. Okay. I will show you the natural aquifer I have in my shorts. Next time, let's just go through the drive-thru. Okay. Well, extrapolating from Leyla in research, and there's going to be a lot of extrapolating here, with no real conclusion, Ted Holiday went further into the past

and saw that old carvings in Christian churches and certain dragons of mythology held certain similarities with modern Western concepts of flying saucers. But, Ted was not necessarily approaching all this from an ancient alien's perspective, which is of course, you know, the chariot of the gods model. It says that nuts and bolts aliens have been visiting earth for millennia to fuck around with humanity's development. I think that it was kind of refreshing that he debunked Eric Fontanikin in these books, because it's important to remember, because now we know truly that the ancient alien idea is completely wrong. Like the idea that they had a common...

It's condescending. It's condescending, because what we now know is that the pyramids, all of these things were built by... Were they still just people slathered with blood on the side of the pyramids who got whipped to death? Absolutely. But they were artists. And they weren't necessarily just slaves. They just were out there building all of these things after generation after generation of people that were sort of descended into building these things.

And it's just amazing what fucking 100 generations of people can create. I don't want to blow your mind, but I just saw some cave paintings from multiple hundreds of years ago that showed semen going into an egg. That's porn! No, it's just that they were smarter than we think. Everyone thinks that we're the smartest, and I don't know if that's true. We ain't that much smarter. No, we have the exact same brains that we had 6,000 years ago.

We have not evolved at all. Okay. We're taller, but that's about it. Great. Some of us. Instead of the ancient aliens theory, Ted began to believe that dragons, lake monsters, flying saucers, mythological creatures, fairies, magic ghosts, and cryptids couldn't all be figments of people's imaginations, which led him to believe that reality is altogether stranger and more complex than we think.

So, to explain all of the strange phenomena that he'd himself witnessed and read about, as well as all the strange phenomena that everyone else had seen, he came up with a unifying theory to try and explain where all of it came from. And therefore, the goblin universe was born. I'm going to read the quote that got him to call his concept the goblin universe, because I think it's really interesting, because it does come from an actual famous biologist, Professor John Napier, who was the director of the primate biology program in the Smithsonian. He had this statement that I think is really, really interesting.

Well, the way I see it at the moment is this. Reason tells us these things do not exist, yet the only apparent alternative is that the whole affair is a great conspiracy. I am not prepared to entirely ignore our witnesses, nor accuse them of being part of their great conspiracy. In fact, I'm sure they are truthful, and that there is no such thing as a great conspiracy. There must be a third explanation, which is neither A, a matter of reason, nor B, fakery. This must be unreasonable in our terms, but probably makes sense in the goblin universe. Essentially, the third explanation must concern the minds of men. I love that. That is really cool. That's the titular line.

You sound like Wyatt Lump. I love it. It's a nice southern sound, chewing tobacco. This whole book is about the frustration of how many people come forward and they say that they see an alien. How many people come forward and say that they know that they've seen a ghost, that a ghost has physically touched them, that they have sm- like, you know, and it's not just visual. Their father was a professional wrestler. That's only if they're a really good wrestler. That's when they get the real first-class approach from a coach. That's true. But then, but it's also all of these shit, right?

People say they see lake monsters, they see all this shit, and you have all these people come forward, they ruin their lives to say, I was there, I was abducted, I've seen these things, but there's no proof. And so forever, all of the people on the more conservative side of the internet, all of you out there that I know are listening, were like, yeah, that's the reason why, because there is no proof, and that's how you know it's thick. Which is how you sound to me, but I also know that you have your belief system, which is your own belief system, this idea that you need this sort of, like, empirical picture. You need, like, you need a sample of Bigfoot Dung, which I do get if you want this. But this is all about how, how do we, how do we thread the needle here between the constant, never-ending experience of the

the eye-witnesser, and the eye-witness, and the people that have experienced these things, and then the fact that we can't prove it. I don't know if you should criticize people so much that they're just looking for evidence. Yeah, like a bunch of amateurs. I understand that you want evidence, I totally get it, but I guess I love to sit in the gray. But Henry, are we not men, are we not men of the mind? Are we not men of concepts? Look at my shirts. Yes, they're very short.

Ted Holliday believed that one day, all paranormal phenomena would be as readily explained as math and science, and by applying a scientific view of the paranormal universe, one would cease to be an occultist, and they would become a scientist. Hell yeah, that's what I'm going for, bro. To quote Ted Holliday, We inhabit a strange cosmos where nothing is absolute, final, or conclusive. Truth is an actor who dons one mask after another, and then vanishes through his secret door in the stage scenery when we reach out to grab him. All he leaves behind is a sardonic chuckle which we record, take away, analyze, and debate, but we never see his face. You know what, man, I'm just happy this community theater presentation was free.

When you do hear him describe it like that, I do feel like we're going to see The Landlord Show like in the big ass big mouth cave. But I need to see something like that ASAP, I can't wait. If you have a theatrical performance coming up, shoot it my way. You never know when a stoned Ben Kissle will just be in the back being like, that was incredible. So according to Ted, the goblin universe is the place in the play where the actor, the so-called goblin, switches one mask for another. Am I correct in saying that the actor is the goblin? I should say yes and move on, please. It's about, yes, I'd say the goblin is the phenomena, right?

The idea of whatever is you're seeing and the fact that it can go from one form to another very easily. Well, Bigfoot switches masks to become Nessie, who switches masks to become an alien, who switches masks to become a poltergeist. But Ted Holliday also contradicts himself later in the preface saying that the actor, or goblin, does not wear different masks successively, but rather wears all the masks at the same time, which means that it is the person seeing the goblin that gives the goblin form. Or the way I would interpret that is that the actor wears all masks of all time, because it's not that he's changing, it's that it's always been all of it. And that whatever you're seeing is that literally a Bigfoot sighting is exactly the same as seeing as a ghost, which is exactly the same as seeing aliens. Well, from what I can understand, if people are going to Loch Ness expecting to see the Loch Ness monster, when they peek into the goblin universe, Nessie is what they see. Likewise, a person visiting a Civil War battleground goes expecting to see a ghost soldier, so when they peek through the goblin universe, they see a bloody Confederate soldier.

It's all the same thing, but it's all not perceptions. I completely understand that we have totally monetization of fast food chains. You notice all of the food is the exact same at Taco Bell or whatever is also owned by Taco Bell, the parent company. It's all the same meat, it's all the same cheese. He's breaking through. You just got black killed on fast food. But I get it now, so it's all goblins all the time. It's whatever you see, but it's the same creator. I just think again, all of this is about the human mind. And I think what we're going to find out next week when this UFO report comes out, they are now saying it again.

You have been talking about this. I don't think it's coming out, bro. They are saying it's coming out. And now the Pentagon is saying they're coming out and saying it's an interdimensional thing. You wouldn't understand. Which is them just saying they don't understand. It's like the party hole. I get it. It is like the party hole. Exactly. You're watching Pretty Face. But it's that shit where it really comes down to why are we seeing these things? What does it mean? Because to me, there's a story here that is old as humankind. And it's not just about people being full of shit.

Because I do believe, yes, I'll give you 65%. That's what I'm going to say. That's the Henry Zabrowski AP poll of people who are full of shit about these things. I'm going to say 65%. But that leaves, even again, even if 1% is real. That means that there is something that has been shadowing the human experience since we've had consciousness. Which again, it's not about maybe seeing other things. We were talking to an astrophysicist this morning for the LPN show. And I was asking her about exoplanets. And why we haven't found nuts and bolts UFOs yet. And why we haven't found these other biological things that exist.

First of all, her main answer was that the universe is just too big. And we'll never see them unless they specifically show themselves. And number two, she straight up said, we're in this quote unquote simulation. Like this idea of whatever that means. Because technically, if it doesn't change what you eat for lunch every day, it doesn't matter whether you're in your civil, whether you're in a simulation or not, right? Come closer. Come closer, man. So we keep seeing this shit though.

So if it's not a ship or whatever from some other place, it has something to do with us. And what we've talked about in the live show last week, too. The calls coming from inside the house then. Well, I mean, Ted wrote that reason tells us that these things don't exist. Like, no reasonable person could say that the Loch Ness Monster exists, or the Bigfoot exists, or anything like that. But since people have seen these things, then it leaves no alternative, but to conclude that there's some sort of great goblin conspiracy with unknown motivation. Man, I want to be the Dick Cheney of that.

You're becoming that. So after explaining the concept of the goblin universe in the preface, Ted Holliday then begins laying out his case chapter by chapter, starting with personal paranormal experiences in chapter one. He has to give his pedigree. In this chapter, he speaks of a family by the surname of Dennis, who experienced invisible strangers moving about their house, accompanied by the sounds of boots and wheezing.

Apparently, the former residents, the Johnsons, had died in the house, and the Dennis children would regularly draw pictures of the apparitions they saw, including, quote, A fat little man with a red face, with a walking stick who keeps waking me up and standing by my bed. Oh my God, that's horrifying. Hey, do you want to be a podcast? What? What? Yeah, we're trying to pitch podcasts to Nickelodeon.

Oh my God, please. Interestingly, the Dennis family nicknamed the ghost Alfred, and not even an exorcism was able to dislodge the ghost from the home, nor was Ted Holiday able to do anything for this family beyond observation. So it's an experience with no conclusion. True question. How does a ghost go on a diet? How?

I don't know. I thought you really set it up for a fucking horrible joke. I got a bit. No, it's a true question. How does a ghost, if it's a fat ghost, if you die fat, do you always, you have to be a fat ghost too? Yes. Yeah, you stay fat. You have to lose weight before you die.

Yes. You have to work OT to build up your pension before you retire. You can't get your dream body after you even die. No, man. You can't carve your ghost fat. No, no, no. You get to choose nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You sweet innocent young boy. No. You're going to have to lose weight before you die if you want to fucking have it. But you still, people want to fuck you. They want to fuck you all the time, kiss. They want to see you all ride you. You know what I mean? So you don't got to change a single thing about yourself.

Yeah, man. I'm a real carnival cruise. A few years before his experience with the Dennis family, Ted Holiday investigated paranormal activity in a mansion in Pembrokeshire where an Irishman with heavy boots haunted the grounds. I loved his description of the steps that the ghost would take and that he said that this is one of those things again, which I think is interesting that comes up time and time again with the examples that he said forth is sounds and soundscapes, smells, stuff like that.

The things that set an atmosphere for these experiences are very similar. And one is this concept idea of people have said the term hollow steps and he said, he's like, you can really hear it because this was a house that was retrofitted and redone. So it used to have stone steps back in the day, right, with like whatever like the house was first built. But now it has carpeted steps, but he said the steps he heard, the only way he could describe it was big, heavy boots on a stone staircase that was very echoey. He said it sounded like someone had recorded it with a microphone and then had played the

sounds too. Interesting. Well, when Ted Holiday stayed the night, he said that a blow hit the headboard of his bed. And at the same time, a man with a Belfast accent asked, and who the hell are you? No, no, no, no, with the blood. Remember the phone. No, it's like the fall, it's like, and who the hell are you?

That's good. Thank you. Very good. Sounds kind of a little bit like Wren. So after establishing a bit of a paranormal pedigree, Ted Holiday moves onto the subject of reincarnation for chapter two and how reincarnation might fit into the goblin universe, specifically the subject of the reincarnation of evil. This is a chapter that I felt didn't really need to be in there, but it did.

It's interesting though. It's very interesting stuff. It is very interesting. I do love that. I love this story though. Yeah. For a particularly grisly example, Holiday chose to compare alleged 15th century serial killer Gilles De Reis with a 20th century child rapist from the UK named Edward Paisnell,

aka The Jersey Monster, implying that these two men were one and the same. Now we're going to do a full episode on Gilles De Reis, possibly this year as a part of our summer series. It's a fantastic story. It would fit in quite wonderfully with all that. But to give a quick overview, Gilles De Reis was said to be a former knight who got a taste for blood as a leader of the French army and as a companion of Joan of Arc. But once military action ceased, De Reis' bloodlust only increased.

It's actually one of the original stories, kind of talking about post-term PTSD and what it means throughout all time and how according to certain interpretations of Gilles De Reis' life, he spent so long killing and being a killing machine that you can't just turn it off when you come back. Absolutely. Now, admittedly, I don't know the full truth of the Gilles De Reis story just yet, but Ted Holiday claimed that De Reis was a black magician who brought sorcerers to his castle in hopes of raising demons and eventually, the Devil himself.

From what reports claimed, a magician named La Rivière summoned a demon in the form of a leopard and will certainly be getting into the big cat connection with the goblin universe later on. But as the story goes, children from the surrounding villages around De Reis' castle began disappearing and the bodies of 80 children were eventually discovered in and around De Reis' lands. From reports, they were boys and girls, but mostly boys, between 9 and 17 years old and the order of the day was sodomy, beheading, neck breaking, and strangulation while the remains were burned in huge fireplaces in the castle and the bones were flung into the

moat. By estimates, up to 200 children may have died in this manner. See this is back in the day of your serial killer, you also have like servants and shit. So Gilles De Reis was extremely rich and he was a well-connected aristocrat, so he had like, employees that would help him kill people, so that's how you get those numbers up. John Dahmer had like some mice he talked to in his Milwaukee apartment. I mean honestly, I feel like that Dahmer could have probably found one willing accomplice

if he really wanted to, because when it comes down to it, who's not looking for a little summer vacation from their job, you know what I mean? Jean Carole had a couple interns. That's true. John Wayne Gacy probably also had one or two himself. But even though De Reis was a confessed monster, he was also extraordinarily powerful and spent years bribing noblemen to cover up his crimes, all while launching a play about his heroic deeds with Joan of Arc, which cost over a million pounds in 15th century money.

Dude, he threw, this is honestly, that's an incredible story. He choreographed, directed, and wrote, what they said was nowadays would be close to like 20 million dollars, like some like crazy sum for a play that had 500 people in it, soldiers, all those kind of shit, I was like, that sounds fucking sweet, did he see Spider-Man after dark? Who would have thought a wealthy producer that committed mass crimes trying to do it all publicly as well as an ultimate fuck you? Oh my god, I didn't even think about it.

It's disgusting. Oh my god, holy shit. They did. Well eventually, De Reis was caught out when he fucked with the church, which is not something you did back then. The ensuing investigation supposedly uncovered his crimes, and De Reis confessed and was quickly hanged and burned for everything that he did, supposedly. There are doubts as to whether this entire affair was merely a smear campaign by the

church, and it might have been that the church was working in conjunction with the local government because the prosecutor in this case was giving all of De Reis' land after the conviction. Interesting, that might be a motivation to prosecute. But even so, Ted Holiday still, and really, we're going to be getting into the full Gilles de Reis story later on, because it is a fascinating, like I just gave you the fucking, the skim, the tiny little skim of that entire story, it's a fascinating story. Also I love the idea of doing the view from the side of Joan of Arc, because that story

is also very interesting, but I think it's mostly going to be another story that's been blown out of proportion, but I'd like to really see what the center of the Joan of Arc tale is, because you know, do we believe that she was talking directly to God, or was she just a precocious, like, we need to go to France and kill everyone. Yeah, it's probably that, it's probably the latter. Like, I like the little girl! She was French. Whatever, man.

She's dead now, oh yeah, she's dead, who gets a shot? Hell yeah, man. Do you have access as a ghost? Hell yeah! Nailed it. But even so, Ted Holiday still made the connection between the accused Gilles de Reis, and a very real sadistic pedophile named Edward Paisnell, who terrorized the Isle of Jersey in the late 70s, all because the two shared some interesting synchronicities.

I also don't want to bust this story, because this is another episode that we should do. Let's just give it a skim here. I think this one's just, I think we're fine with the skim on this one, this is fucking awful. Okay. First of all, Edward Paisnell was married to a woman named Joan, which echoes the connection between de Reis and Joan of Arc, and apparently Edward's Joan was quite puritanical, which, you know, echoes Joan's demotion to God, and she grew the same mandrakes in her garden

that magicians used in medieval times. Perhaps the same mandrakes that magicians in Gilles de Reis' castle may have used. Coincidence! Also, his first wife was named Joan as well. He was married to two Jones. Two Jones? Wow. Reportedly, he kidnapped and tied up 21 children by their necks and sodomized them.

Didn't kill any of them. Just fucking sodomized them and let them go. Yeah. And at least one of the attacks took place on Rue de Reis, which was once owned by who else but the de Reis family. This is the part, this next part is the part, I mean, obviously, it's supposed to be disturbing. It's supposed to be disturbing. It definitely is, yeah.

Paisnell used to wear a costume during his attacks, what he called his beast costume. It was made up of a woman's black wig, a wristband studded with nails, a jacket studded with more nails so his victims couldn't grab ahold of him without grabbing nails and he wore a homemade rubber mask, which is somewhat similar to Leatherface's mask, but scarier. Jesus Christ, this guy was a real life monster. Have you seen pictures of him? No, I have not seen pictures of him, although you watch, you wait until next year's Fashion Week when nails are in and everyone is just wearing nothing but nail jackets.

It's the unapproachable look. Yes, indeed. Look at this shit. You can all show you this right now. Look at this fucking costume. And we'll post a picture, we'll post a picture on our Instagram page as well. Honestly, he kind of looks like Johnny Depp. He's got a little bit of an Edward Scissorhands vibe when we're in the mask.

Holy shit. Oh my God. Look, my God, that dude is truly horrifying. It's, it's. Truly horrifying. Rapist Scissorvest. That's honestly, that's what it looks like a more perverted Edward Scissorhands. I guess he wasn't perverted though, Edward.

He just wanted to help out the community. No, he was just a machine. He didn't ask to be made. I'm with you. I took it back immediately. But according to Ted Holiday, this flair for the theatrical also echoed Gilles De Re's own penchant for staging elaborate plays about his own heroic deeds. Furthermore, both men were vegetarians, a book on witchcraft and a ritual dagger was

found at Paisnell's home, and when Paisnell was caught by police, he said that a couple of hundred years ago, he would have been burned alive for what he'd done, possibly some sort of memory. Yeah, I feel like even now he'd also be burned alive for what he's done, because I mean, it wasn't nice, but he only got 30 years. Well, I think that you could take him for his word and just burn him alive there. I would say Dealer's Choice. Yeah.

Dealer's Choice. When he left, he got out of jail and he died outside of jail. The man that I just saw a picture of? Yeah, he died. He died. He said apparently he couldn't get along in his neighborhood. I don't know why. What?

And then he died in his own house in 1994. Did he go on to produce Shakespeare in Love as well? Well going off of this supposed reincarnation, Ted Holiday told another story from 1972 in which five schoolboys experimented with magic and one boy became possessed by his dead grandfather and attacked his friends with a knife before trying to strangle them. This is one of those stories that he used to tell on the news to get you afraid to do D&D. I don't believe in this.

No, of course not. No, no, no. The vision that Ted Holiday paints of the 70s makes it a truly fucking horrifying place. He paints a vision of where witchcraft is real and everywhere at all times. Well, I'll tell you one thing, you can't go on block without seeing the fucking witch and I'll tell you what, I can't go five blocks without seeing my fucking ex-wife. Whoa, is that named, is her name Joan as well? Yeah, she fucking more like Moan fucking ghost to me.

I wish I could, I wish I could kill, they keep coming back. You're a classy guy. Two years later, a mother reported that her child was slashing herself with the fork and attacked a baby, seemingly without provocation or motivation. And all these events, Holiday said, pointed towards a kind of evil reincarnation emanating from the goblin universe. It's a stretch. It's a stretch.

That's the chapter that needed the most work because I didn't know what it was looping all the way, I don't know how it looped back, but it was basically him trying to say more like, what do you think it is? Yeah, I mean, it sounds fascinating. So after making that loose point, Holiday moved on to chapter three, which is mostly about time and really it's about prognostication and how people who can see just a bit into the future and people who can see centuries ahead like Nostradamus are simply getting views of differing sizes into the goblin universe, a pit hole versus a manhole.

Okay. Nostradamus was full of shit. The Hister stuff was like, that's the one thing that he was sort of onto that the Nostradamus stuff that he talks about is like the most dated stuff in this book, I think. And then, but the one thing that I thought was interesting is that it does speak to PKD's experience without Philip K. Dick. It is Philip K. Dick. Not everyone knows that.

Nobody knows. Because the P is silent. The other reason why I know it's PKD is because I'm your friend, otherwise I would not know. The audience is my friend. If they've gotten this far, they know who PKD is. I haven't do something you've ever saw PKD before. I say it every day. To yourself.

To my family. Indeed. But PKD, he had an experience with an intelligence that he said zapped information into his mind and made him realize that he was seeing visions when he wrote books that showed that he wasn't writing fiction. He was channeling alternative presence. Yeah. And that he said that he had an experience where he traveled back in time to the Roman

era where he saw himself in that time period. He wrote about himself and he called himself horse lover fat in that time period because Philip, I believe Philip means horse lover, like a lover of horses in German. And Dick means fat in German. So he created this word for it, right? And that like Mr. Hans, he was a real horse lover. Yeah, he was. Dead now.

Fuck the death by a horse nicknamed Big Dick. And then he, but this is what he's saying. The exegesis, I don't know if we'll get to it someday, but the exegesis is a his full on spiraling breakdown of this concept of there is no such thing as linear time. I mean, it is also the plot of army of darkness. Yeah, man. Now, I mean, technically, that's the coolest version of that story. Oh, I love that.

I love that. No, that's where man in the high castle comes from. He looked into an alternate universe where the Nazis won, you know, and he was just able to go, Oh God, don't even trigger me with that shit. Remember when the subways in New York were all covered in Nazi campaign for that fucking thing? They covered subways with just Nazi propaganda. It's a massive Jewish community.

We have to take the trains and it was just, it's just really traumatizing man. Even when I wrote like read the rise and fall of the third Reich on the train, like I ripped the cover off, so I wouldn't be riding around reading a book with a gigantic fucking swastika on it, it can just, no, it's an old Buddhist symbol, I'm actually trying to take the symbol back. Life from your grave. Well, after a brief discussion on time, Holiday moves on to the idea that UFOs and fairies are pretty much the same thing.

But within that chapter are even more interesting ideas. Specifically, he says that maybe the universe isn't as random as we think it is. And sometimes the universe shows us its intentions. Every day, you put it out in the world, you write it on a bottle of water and you drink it, you get it inside of you. Absolutely. For example. Dummy should have ever heard.

No, no, no. Marcus is because you're being, you don't, you won't let it in, you won't white light it. You have to sit and think about it. If you want happiness, write it in a piece of paper, you put it on the water. The water thinks and then you drink it, you get happiness from the water. What if I fucking wrote it on a hamburger wrapper and then ate the hamburger with that work?

You're being sarcastic. That would also work though. Yeah. Well, for example, Holiday wrote that in 1974, the Prime Minister of England posed for a picture with author John Dyson, who had just written a book called The Prime Minister's Boat is Missing. That's cute. And five days after the photo, The Prime Minister's Boat went missing.

Okay, hold on a second. Can you fucking handle it? So he wasn't in allegory. This was literally about The Prime Minister's Boat going missing. This wasn't about poor leadership or anything like that, like all the President's men. It was just about his boat. I want to say it was like a crime novel that has like a funny title. Yeah.

Now really, the theory that UFOs are fairies did not originate with Ted Holiday. Instead, this is a theory first put forth by our man, Jacques Vallée. And Henry will now take the lead on explaining this UFO fairy connection. I will just start in the timer, by the way. I'm just going to put it out there lightly. I just want to say, honestly, if you've been listening to this show for just this episode, for this long, if we haven't lost you already, I want you to go and buy Passport to Magonia and read it.

Because Passport to Magonia is Jacques Vallée's entire breakdown of what they call the Trooping Fairies, which is this idea that this phenomenon... Sounds like a sex act. It is. It's a lot of times because how many times these fairies used to take people up and rape them, steal their cum, and then make babies and drop them off, call them changelings. It's the same thing as the hybrid fairies. No, all they did was suck dick against your will, bro.

What? They used to talk about... No, they would give you gifts that were supposedly gold and the gifts would turn to ash. Some people, when they came into contact with fairies, they would get what was called elf cake, which is the hardening of the skin. They also called it elf disease. It was a dermatological issue, which also happens in some UFO abductees, specifically Antonio Viles Boles.

You remember Antonio Viles Boles? They had the penis hair wrapped around so hard around his penis and it caused him discomfort. He also had penis problems, Barney Hill. He also had those penis lumps. John Keel, throughout the Eighth Tower, talks about how often aliens attack the penis. Now, the penis is always either gorge so much with the pre-opism that the erection hurts, it really, really hurts, and it can last for days after seeing an alien, much like when I saw Jillian Anderson in person at the webbies.

And I had to go to the doctor, and I didn't want her cursed. Well, she had to be escorted away from you by security. She acknowledged me. We've talked about this. But it is this concept that this phenomena has been following us a long time. And again, it's the trickster phenomena, which is this idea that you desperately want to prove to the world that you have seen what, you know, in the 18th century, you will have seen something that looks like a fairy or a man dressed as a bard cut to the 19th century.

The UFOs look like steam machines. They look like things that look appropriate to the time period. They all advance. You see people that look like they're more so like they're using the top technology of your specific time period. And then now we see grays and we see reptilians and that his main concept is that it's all exactly the same thing, which is a phenomenon that seems to exist partly from our mind. And it is about us.

It's about us learning how to essentially this is a phenomena that may or may not be outside of our own mind. If it is an intellectual thing, if it is something outside of us, some form of intelligence, what they're trying to do is bring us to them like some of this idea that maybe we are supposed to evolve. We're supposed to learn from them. The idea that life is not so simple. What are we supposed to learn?

How to tie hair around our dick and make it really tight. If you want to take that lesson, Kissel, then I think it's any lesson that they can get in. I do picture the little fairies being like the birds in Cinderella tying the pubic hair around somebody's dick and like kind of singing and stuff. I mean, I think that I've seen that pornography film. Well, it's the concept that fairies back then are the same as UFOs now. But they also, they share a lot of similarities.

It's things like the way back when you would see fairy rings on the ground, which is the circle of burnt grass and people back then say, hey, it's fairies hanging out. This is what happens when fairies hang out. And now we say, oh, that's where a UFO lands. And likewise, you would also see dancing lights in the sky, which people said, oh, that's fairies. And now when we see things like the Phoenix lights, we say, that's UFOs. But it's the same thing.

It's just the mask is changing. You mentioned those dancing light in the sky, but I think that's just them celebrating the reunion of friends. Well, thank God they're all together and they all have the same face. I already said that on side stories. Kind of. So after going through the UFO fairy connection, Ted Holiday moved on to the mystery of big cats.

Yeah. Monday's. That's not a mystery. Big cats exist. Bigger than normal cats. What do you mean? Like too big. Yeah.

Oh my, like the one He-Man used to ride? Yeah. Like that thing. That's a bigger cat. Yeah. But no, like too big. What do you mean? Too big.

Like a house cat looking thing that's your size. People see big cats. It's like people seeing giant birds, the thunderbirds. People seeing giant sloths, thundersloths. People see. That's weird. They do all of that. Really?

Yeah. They people see in giant worms. People seeing giant dogs. This is the thing that comes about. Maybe they're just really tiny. The people that see them. No. Maybe eyeballs are tiny.

They see a cat and you go, that cat's too big. That's too big. And it weirds you out. Okay, I got it. Well, Ted Holiday wrote that in the Book of Kales, which is a 9th century manuscript containing the four Gospels of the New Testament, there is an interesting depiction of St. Patrick. In this manuscript, St. Patrick is seen with his feet planted on a great serpent and a large cat, which are both astral entities that, in Holiday's opinion, represent a higher

function of the human psyche. As Holiday puts it, these representations helped people understand their place in the universe and help them to understand that there are other planes of existence. Furthermore, he wrote that it is no coincidence that increasing reports of paranormal events are coinciding with decreasing devotions to organized religion. Well, quite often it sounds like it's in a, and that's where I, you know, I understand the criticism, where it sounds like a replacement because in a way, I think it is, it is a replacement. Faith based in its own way, that's for sure.

Well, I think what he's trying to say is that, you know, people will see the Goblin universe no matter what, but as the mask changes from a Christianity lens to something closer to pop culture, we see less visions of angels and saints and more visions of UFOs and ghosts. And Miley Cyrus on that wrecking ball. I love Miley. That's six years old now. I know. Oh, wow.

I love him. That's not even current though. I like it. That's current. Miley is always current. Miley is current. She's a pop superstar. It's like Madonna.

See ya. No. Jojo Siwa. I said that aim yesterday too. I don't think she, Jojo's not there yet. I don't think. No, I don't think so. I don't know what she does.

Well, tying this in, Holiday shared a lot of apocryphal tales of people seeing big cats that vanish into thin air, which isn't normally seen in say UFOs, UFOs fly away, big cats just go poof. Oh. And in this, Holiday suggests that perhaps these big cats exist without a mask and inhabit both the goblin universe and this one and can freely walk between the two. So all we need is lonely divorced women to take care of all of this? If only the cougars could help us.

A lot of times those cougars just make things more complicated. You think they're going to solve all your problems? They just introduced five more, my friend. Whoa. I'm a vertigef. The man loses, the man gets ten new ideas, he loses ten old ideas. Is that something? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, extrapolating off that, Ted Holiday introduces what he calls the phantom menagerie in chapter six, which is one of my favorite concepts of the whole book. Okay. Now the phantom menagerie is the umbrella that all paranormal and mythological creatures from dragons to bit-boots to serpents to yeti's to mermaids all exist under. These creatures, from Holiday's perspective, are more animal-like than human, but do not behave as ordinary animals.

They do not breed, nor do they eat or build dens, but they do share one aspect of the animal world. They can become extinct. There is an interesting perspective from the eighth tower. That is, John Keel, again, all of this is pretty old-timey at this point, but I really think that all of these are important things to read if you really want to put your big old paranormal investigator cap on. This is the type of shit that you should be as averse in as ghost machines or the infrared

bullshit, like all of the stuff that you want to get empirical evidence. I think that's necessary, trying to get empirical evidence. But I think this stuff is really important to wrap your mind around if you want to try to address some of these more wiggity topics. And John Keel, in the eighth tower, talks about the idea of the concept of the eighth tower is that we complete a circuit that allows these things to manifest. So the human mind perceives the frequency from the quote-unquote eighth tower that allows us to see this shit, and that's what it is, and we're like an antenna for.

That's how the human mind works. And one concept he talks about is that he's constantly chasing this similarity between sightings of cryptid's UFOs, which is people get pink eye, burns, they have this adverse effect. A lot of times, which we will also cover when we talk about a little bit longer on this episode, people have health problems after experiencing these things. Is it possible that people who tend to go looking for bigfoot are naturally unhealthy? No, the type of people that don't wash their hands after they wipe their ass.

Oh my god, I'll never forget I watched a YouTube video about a woman screaming about how toilet paper is a fraud. It's not a fraud, it's there. She laughed at people who use toilet paper. Does she own a bidet? No. She's not your own. She's wiping her ass in a lake behind her house.

That's a retention punt. But the concept of, all right, let's say these creatures, the phantom menagerie, comes about because the eighth tower is there projecting its beams, right? These things show up and they, like in Ghostbusters, when Ray stands, yes, like when Ray stands finds that makes the Staypuff Marshmallow Man, right, that they, you know, he's like I tried to clear my mind, the only thing that came up in my head was the most innocent thing in the world was the Staypuff Marshmallow Man. Somebody who loves cats, happens to see a big giant cat out there, right?

Like it's pulled from the back of its subconscious, it created a big dopey cat. But it did, for a moment, exist physically, that it's actually not real, though. Like it is not a physical thing, but somehow you manifested it. If I imagined like a great palm-freeze stand, and because I've been thinking about these palm-freeze with salt and vinegar, and they do it like that in Canada, would I be able to go then order some of the palm-freeze that I just cleared in my mind? You might. What I'm talking about is that in the moment you would seek to engage in this physical

manifestation of this cryptid palm-freeze, it would disappear, right? And they would talk about how these things disappear and go extinct. But a part of what he thinks is that the way they go extinct is that weirdly he thinks the particles, one theory he has is the particles that make up these cryptids that we momentarily see are toxic to us, and that when they disappear, they disperse like the half-life of a radioactive element. And particles from it shoot into us and poison us. Yeah.

Okay. Whatever. Whatever! But I mean, I hope it doesn't happen. I hope it doesn't happen. I just thought it was fun. I was high as fuck, and I thought that was a great idea. Well, I mean, that's super fun.

It is super fun. Yeah, fun to think about. It is fun to think about. Wrap your noodle around it. Wrap your noodle around it. Not your dick. It's a horrible thing to tell your doctor if you have cancer, and then you're like, no, I don't think so.

I think I know how I got this. You know, listen to medical advice, but that's an idea that you expressed. Yes. Yes. On holiday's estimation, one of the phantom menagerie that has gone extinct, never to return, is the Mero, which, as far as I can tell, is a form of Irish mermaid. The Mero, however, has not been seen in many years, unlike the seemingly ubiquitous Sasquatches and Chupacabras of modern times.

And it could be that the Mero has just fallen out of belief. There's not as many sailors as they used to be, not as many Irish people on the sea, so therefore, the Mero does not show up in the Rolodex of human experience. But since we talk about Sasquatches and Chupacabra all the time, that shows up. I'm just happy us redheads are getting some representation in the cryptid world, a redheaded, red-mustached merman. How fun would that be? Honestly.

I love the Irish. Although, how do you smoke a cigar underwater? I'll pipe. You smoke a pipe underwater. I mean, it's just bubbles. Yeah, it's just bubbles. From what holiday said, the Phantom Menagerie has been known to wise men for centuries, which is why the dragon, the Mero, and the big black dog of yore are depicted so often

in medieval churches. In holiday's view, this was a form of insurance, with the church seemingly telling the Phantom Menagerie, hey buddy, we know you're out there. Therefore, by drawing pictures of, say, St. Patrick stomping on serpents and big cats, the church implies that it would be in the Phantom Menagerie's best interest to not challenge the creatures of Christianity, who are, ironically, also a part of the goblin universe. What are they? Hey there, Mr. Blackhead.

Maybe when you think about, when you started coming for the church, maybe you don't want something bad happening you. Are you Marlon Brando? Yeah, something bad happening you, Mr. Snake. Oh, I wouldn't be ashamed if something happened to you, no legs, trying to come for the church. I love it. When did Joe Pesci is going to die, and you're going to get all of his roles? Please.

But also, all of those paintings, they are allegorical, and I think there is, and that's a part of this, is he talks a little bit about the symbolism of the dragon as a part of what the Jungian version would be called the shadow of the personality, and that maybe there are elements of the goblin universe that are just protracted parts of our psychology, and that's why we see these things, that it's something about this, and that if you really just talk about how the St. Patrick stomping on things like the big cats and the dragons, is that it's also about the imposed order that the Christians want to put on top of the old pagan religions, and the idea that we will crunch your symbols and roll it over with this essentially

Irish pedophile. If you will crunch my symbols. Where did you hear that St. Patrick is a pedophile? He always had to do two, at least one big crime. We don't know that he wasn't. We don't know that he wasn't. So after the phantom menagerie, Ted Holliday wrote of his own experience with a member of this flock, specifically when Ted participated in an attempted exorcism of the Loch Ness

monster. This was a whole thing. This is the most adventurous part of it. You can see the Loch Ness monster turning his head all around, 360, spitting out a bunch of piece soup. This is one of those, again, this is, Hellyer did this really well, where he decided he's like, OK, fuck it. If it is like a poltergeist ghost type thing, let's say the Loch Ness monster is his own

fucking ghost. What if we try to challenge it with an exorcism? Ghost chum. Ghost chum. And so they got this fucking guy, this guy that did this exorcism is another, he is a character. Oh, yeah, man. Well, see, two ministers in Scotland had disagreed about the nature of the Loch Ness monster,

with one minister maintaining that the monster was a real physical being, while the other believed that it was a paranormal phenomenon. That is to say that it was actually, technically, the ghost of the Loch Ness monster who had lived in the Loch millions of years ago, a projection from the past into the future. Dude, that's fucking cool. Look at us one up in each other at this point. Nah, bro, it's a fucking ghost. It's the ghost of the D.

But they both agree the Loch Ness monster lived. It's the ghost of a dinosaur. It's a dinosaur's ghost. Why is nobody talking about, why can't dinosaurs haunt shit? It could be a fucking ghost of a dinosaur. Sure. That's exactly what this is. This is an exorcism of a fucking ghost dinosaur.

That's awesome. Now, naturally, Ted Holliday sided with the minister who believed in the paranormal projection theory, a one reverend Dr. Donald Omond. So the two of them connected and began discussing the nature of the monster and whether or not they could perform an exorcism on the creature. I'm really surprised you did not talk about Donald Omond's first job, which is that he is the head of the spiritual agency that furred circuses. He is a circus exorcist.

What was he exorcised? He would go to animals that were misbehaving. This is true. He would exorcise animals that were having problems in circuses. That was his whole thing. Like tigers having an attitude problem. He'd go in and go like, the power of Christ competitive, tiger. The power of Christ competitive.

And that's what, that was his whole job. Is that how he became a doctor? He's a doctor reverend. Yeah ma'am. At the same time, Ted also came into contact with a couple of students who had been diving into Loch Ness on weekends to try and find Nessie herself. Apparently they developed what Ted called, toothache syndrome. Which was a mysterious nerve condition that caused immense pain in the teeth.

Holiday believed that this was connected to the goblin universe because he had found a precedent for toothache syndrome in ancient Babylonian texts. And the texts, thus spake. And the worm said, What do these dried bones to me? Let me drink amongst the teeth and set me on the gums that I may devour the blood of the teeth and of their gums destroy the strength. Then shall I hold the bolt of the door.

Are we talking about, what kind of worms are we talking about? Worm is an old word for dragon. That's what they originally addressed. Can we say tremor? Like a tremor's worm? With the big old teeth and stuff like that? Yes, you can call it a worm. Worm is, but it was spelled W-U-R-M.

It wasn't W-O-R-M, it was W. Wium. Wium. Okay. Also, they talk about this all the time because he lumps Loch Ness Monster into now what we know about the Mothman, what we know about people even say about the big foot about Flatwood's monster, is that these things, when you see them, bring bad luck. The Loch Ness Monster is an actual harbinger of doom.

And then every time you see a cryptid, bad things happen to you for some reason. I thought Bigfoot was good. Bigfoot, well certain societies believe him, these are called the Wise Man on the Mountain. Some people believe that he is an ascended master. Some people believe that he is some form of future human that's sent to warn us of our damage to nature, damage to ecology. It's not a future human. We're not getting hairier.

Look at me. No. I don't have wisdom teeth. You're a past human. Marcus is the sign of the future. No hair on humans. Totally hairless. I don't have wisdom teeth though.

I'm human 2.0. I'm very hairy from the waist down though. Isn't that interesting? Like a center. His actual, the shaft of Marcus's dick is covered in hair. Yeah. Top to bottom, my friend. Yeah man.

Are you kidding me? I'm like a satyr. You know? That's actually, that is more like what I am. Yeah, I got the hairy goat legs and then nothing up top. You have a hairy penis? Yes Ben, I have a hairy penis. You got him.

I don't know. I don't know. Well after meeting the students, in August of 1971, a Swedish journalist named Jean of Sundberg claimed to have seen an actual UFO on the shores of Loch Ness. He said that it was a gray black cigar shaped structure 10 meters long and three figures, interestingly, dressed just like the creatures at Baikal Lake that we talked about last week, stepped out. Spring collection.

1971. I love that spring collection. Afterwards, Sundberg claimed that he was visited by the good old men in black and suffered a nervous breakdown as a result. Of course, the men in black are also creatures of the goblin universe. And so, with all this icky spooky stuff going on, Ted Holiday and the Reverend Doctor decided to exercise the Loch Ness monster. Man, I want to hang out with Ted Holiday.

No you don't. This is so much fun. No you don't. Because it would be, honestly Henry, it would be a reflection of what it's like to hang out with you and I think that you would leave it with an understanding that you don't want to have. You're a moron because I would, first of all, I find great restaurants. We would go out and we would have a fun time.

No, because you would argue because he has a different idea of what a great restaurant is, so he's going to take you to his great restaurant and you're not going to like it right now. I honestly would like it if one of my friends put an effort into some of our events when we go out and travel. Bro, I brought people to a baseball game last weekend. And one of them almost died. We did have a friend that got violently ill from a Dodger dog and thank God.

Lexi, we want you to be okay. She was doing okay. On June 2, 1973, several people performed five rites at each corner of Loch Ness with the main rite being performed in a boat in the center of the lake by the Reverend Dr. Ormond. For records, this is the exorcism that Dr. Ormond performed. Hey, great. By the poor entrusted to the unworthy servant, this highland look on the land adjoining it,

it may be delivered from all evil spirits. All then imaginations, projections and phintasms, and all desates of the evil one. Oh Lord, subject them to thy servants command that at his bedding, they will harm neither man nor beast, but depart to the place appointed them, their terrible man forever. How long do they stand there before someone's just like, all right. We've got to get out of here. How long do you stand there in dead silence when nothing happens? Until it gets dark.

Until it gets dark? I think until you get dark, yeah. You do it at dusk, so that way you know that it's going to get dark soon, so you're not going to be out there too long. You can't stay out there too long. Because you've got to get back to your room before dark. Of course you do. You know when someone, because I used to go to one Thanksgiving, everyone used to read

a super sincere poem before. It was very fancy. What? It was a long story. I never did that. That sounds horrible. What do I think, but everyone would read something about like the harvest. And we're just drinks, drinks a goblet of blood from the Native American.

I wish it was that metal. But we would sit there and we, everyone would read like something hyper sincere, you know, and they'd be like, and that way I feel the gourd that's in my heart. And then what you'd have to do is when they read something super serious, and then you have to kind of give it a beat where you go, okay. You know what I mean? Like you just have to give it like a landing place. I understand.

Can we eat? Oh no, you're going to read something about another poem about gourds. Another thing about the gourd. So after the exorcism, Ted Holiday was thinking of wandering on over to where the sweetest journalist had seen the UFO. But when he saw a pyramid shaped eight foot tall column of black smoke through the window just as his friend said, don't go see the UFO, he decided against it. Because that was a part of the lake where people get scoped up by aliens.

Scary. Later that same night, Ted and his host said that they had an encounter with circles of white light that danced around the room. And they all eventually landed on Ted's face, much to the terror of everyone present. Get it upy! Get it upy! Get it upy! Get it upy!

All of his friends just taking the opportunity to punch him in the face. No, no, I'm trying to get a rid of the circle of light. You're going to do it, aren't you? Then the next morning, a bona fide man in black was waiting outside for Ted. Six feet tall, dressed in black plastic from head to toe and wearing a helmet with gloves and goggles. Okay, did he just get on the sixth train? Are we sure this man is a man in black or just a homeless man who needs some place to

rest? It is 1973. There were some alternative fashions happening at the time, but this is in Loch Ness. This is out in the middle of Scotland, so it might be, I mean, I don't know, I don't know how fashion gets out there. Ah, but from what Ted said, he had no visible eyes and he did not appear to breathe. Oh. The man in black then suddenly disappeared, and what made matters worse was that the

exorcism was a complete and total failure. Because everyone just kept seeing the Loch Ness monster. But don't worry, Reverend Doctor Mr. Donald Ormond wanted them all to know it's quite possible this won't work, and he did say it at the very top. I will give him that. Truth and advertising, that's very nice that he said the truth anyway. But the kicker was that when Ted returned to Loch Ness the next year, he suffered a near-fatal heart attack in the exact same spot where the man in black appeared.

God damn. Wow. They always get their man. So after outlining the exorcism of Loch Ness, Ted Holiday takes a sharp left turn to talk shit on evolution for an entire chapter. Yeah, wait, what? This is hard. This is hard.

What are you talking about? This is every one of these books where you're like, cool, cool, cool, and then you're just like, God damn it, now we're going to talk about how Darwin was a pedophile or something of like some like, god son of a fucking bitch. He just completely misunderstands the concept of evolution. You say, if evolution is weird and real, then why don't we like see it like every day? He has other good ideas. He does.

He has different coronavirus strands now or some of shit. But he also is like, no, evolution's not the real deal. The real deal is bioelectric fields. That's actually the real deal here on Earth, so maybe you should look into that a little bit. You should be published. He wasn't supposed to publish this book. It does not.

Because the book fucking falls apart in the last couple of chapters. You can see why Ted Holiday wasn't too jazzed about releasing all this half-baked pseudo science. They all turn into Ray Stevens, the man who used to just sing funny songs, and the next thing you know, he's an Obama birther, truth-er, who just sang very horrible songs about rap. But it's the same like tunes after children's songs. It's very scary. It's just like guitar zen, except it's about Osama bin Laden.

And it's a lot of it hitting the Hussein, a broad Hussein Obama. But still, some of the ideas contained in the chapters before Ted Holiday bungles his biology certainly make the Goblin universe a compelling, if incomplete, addition to the study of the paranormal. Wow. I really do believe that you have to combine all of these things at once. I think it's important to have the ones that talk about the biological and scientific needs for evidence, alongside all of this woo-wee-woo bullshit as well.

Because I think that's the only way you'll really see the scope of how much energy these fat-bodied nerds have put into this subject and how it inspires other fat-bodied nerds to move the subject forward into the future. I didn't really get the science in this one. This is what we're doing. Science is all about an attitude. Science. It's a scientific attitude.

Well, I don't know about that. But yes, I think all of these things, I mean, yes, does it make you a more difficult person to love? Sure. But it also makes you a hyper-interesting person to at least ten people that matter. Well, and there you go. It's nice to have a close group of friends for the next pandemic. Okay.

Well, this has just been fantastic. Thank you all so much for listening. We can't wait to see you all in Colorado. I said that's coming up very soon. Very, very soon. Next week, we have some real science coming at you. We're going to talk about something and it's very real. We're very, very excited about it.

Couple here's some housekeeping. Number one, our stream. It's going to be live on Patreon starting on Monday. Monday. It's going to Monday. It's 5PM EST. We're going to 5PM PST. We're going to Mondays.

Going to say that again. It's live on Patreon and then it's going to go up live on Tuesday. That's right. 8PM if you're in the Eastern Time Zone and 5PM here in the West and I guess 6th then, if you're in the Central. And we will put a bunch of announcements. 7th Central. 6th Mountain.

You're thinking of Mountain. Mountain. So, so confusing and I don't even want to think about time zones. Unless you're in Arizona and you don't do daylight savings time, then everything's all wishy-washy. They're right about that. They are right. It's the one thing you've been correct about.

And remember, what have we learned? Time is not real, but schedules. Schedules. Our real appointments also are very real. They are real. They are real. Put that in your schedule. Put it in your schedule.

Put it in your schedule. Put it in your schedule. But I think it's important to just hold all of these ideas in one. Because can't we, folks, are in our brains. Because the brains, they can hold the entire universe inside of them. Well, most people have, you know, they've got to think about picking up their kids and then live. Fuck these kids.

Stop them. Catch up. These kids should be working. Well, again. Again. We need to make sure they get to work on time. Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

But that's why the public transportation system need to be updated. Well, now we've gotten to something truthful. Finally. It only took us damn near to the end. We could get some better public transportation. High speed rail. Let's do it. I love a high speed rail.

Well. Come on, y'all. Learn how to use Norcan. We're going to be careful. We're going to be putting that out there. Absolutely. Thank you, everyone. Well, thank you all so much for listening.

Check out all the shows here on the Last Podcast Network. And yeah, we hope you're happy and safe and doing the best you can. We can't wait to see you on the road. Check out every single show. Please do. Honestly, I can safely say that all of the content on the network is really good. It's really fun. Yeah.

And everyone works really hard on the shows. This week on No Dogs in Space, we are finishing our series on the Beastie Boys. The Beastie Boys. The episode will be coming out this weekend. So if you want to, if you've been waiting for the entire series to be out before you listen to the whole goddamn thing, you can. It's six episodes long. It's a lot of information on the Beastie Boys, but we also go into like the history of hip-hop

and all kinds of other shit. We're very proud of this series. So I would say check it out. And this one's really for the elder millennials out there. Yeah, it really is. No, no, no. We finally get to the album that came out when we were in high school. Hello, Nasty.

The Galactic Planetary. The Galactic Planetary. The Galactic Planetary. Yeah, the beginning of the robot takeover. All right, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail again.

My congratulations. Hail me in all my forms, because I might appear to you as just a simple red-headed bearded portly man. So I can change the way you look to me? Do it. It didn't work. Come on, man. Give me tits.

Good ones. You see? You don't know what I'm into. Oh, God. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.