Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 477: Elizabeth Klarer - Push The Red Button

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

Closing out the year with a bang, we shift our focus to one of the friskiest tales in UFO History, the intergalactic sexcapades of Elizabeth Klarer and her lover from the planet Meton.Kevin MacLeod��(incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes, he's just trying to warn you of the bridge! The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, we bring you Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans, go to lastpodcastmerch.com to order yours today! Hey, what's up everyone? How you doing? Ben Kissel here with Henry Zabrowski. Yes, me, man!

Yeah bro, Henry Zabrowski is smoking some of that sweet last podcast on the left, babe. Go out there and purchase yourself some. I hope you enjoy it. We have Sativa, we have Indica, and we have a hybrid. And I have to tell you, from my personal experience, they are wonderful. Super tasty, live resin, you really get the delicious, weedy taste, which is what I like, and three different experiences. You go to your local vape store and get it! Absolutely, thank you all so much for supporting the show. We absolutely love you. Can't wait to see you on the road and get that vape, put it in your brain, and have a good time.

And if you want to set your favorite weed store, give them a call and ask for them by name. Last podcast on the left, it's weed. Hail yourselves, everyone! Hail Satan! There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started.

What was that? Man, I forgot about Acondis. I can't believe he showed back up, dude. What are you talking about? You're supposed to forget about Dre. No, I never forget about Dre. I would never forget about Dre in a thousand years. It's just so crazy, just think that he came for so long, he was gone. And now he's back, romancing all the way from Africa back to America, man. It's fucking incredible, dude. This whole story, I'll remember, and I've been working on it because I know the audience, they expect a certain amount of accuracy from me.

Sure. Just who I am as a performer. They expect an abundance of words, anyway. They look at me and they're like, he knows what he's doing, I'm in good hands, especially with accents. He's a shape shifter. And so back into South Africa for this episode, and it's important to remember that it's Seifiki. Wow, very good. All right, everyone, welcome to last podcast on the left.

I am Ben. Geniuses, baby. Hanging out with Marcus and the newly crowned fan of Elon Musk. And Mr. Browski. I'm anti pitted. Oh, very good. I think that's very brave. It's a brave stance to have in 2021, considering it ended in 93.

I've been against it since 87. That's what I knew. That's when I knew what it was. Thank you all so much for joining. 84. That's when I was born. It took three years for me to understand global politics. And then I understood pain.

I understood pain at 87 and money. You're a savant in every sense of the word. This is our final episode in 2021. So hope everyone had a fantastic holiday and a fantastic full year. What a way to put an exclamation mark on it with this topic. Before that, I want to give one shout out to my friend who I met in Fort Lauderdale, Florida named Diane or Diana, but she is a bartender at Ocean Mist Pub. And I was at this pub for four hours and people were, it's a hard job.

So go to Ocean Mist Pub in Fort Lauderdale, tell Diane and Ben, send you and she'll charge you double and send her some love. But guys, we're back in UFOs. We're back in UFOs. But now we're back in UFOs. We're back. And we are discussing. This is so smooth.

We are discussing today the story of Elizabeth Clare. This is, guys, I want you to get ready for some romance. We're setting the tone. Light of candle. This is much, much more romantic than the usual dirty pool that we normally play. Like this is not, we're not talking about like sucking and fucking here. We're talking romance and relax. We're talking licking and flicking.

Whoa. This is all about letting out the route. It's so fun. If you're ready, if you want to do this, let's say you have a partner. Let's say you want to romance somebody tonight. Do it in a UFO style. Get a bunch of petals. Put it in the shape of an orb on your bed.

All right. It's really important. Set the tone. Put out some bars of soap. That's great. And if you're trying to figure out how do you make the shape of an orb, just lay down in your bed. Given the fact we've all gained 50 pounds.

Put the petals around you. Stand up. It's in the shape of an orb. All right. Elizabeth Clare. Let's get into this crazy tale. The Close Encounters, allegedly experienced by South African Elizabeth Clare. 1954 through 1960, yeah, dude, alleged, I'm saying alleged.

I get it. From 1954 through 1963, these abductions hold a special place in the history of ufology. While intimate encounters with alien species are now somewhat commonplace in the modern lore, Elizabeth was the first abductee to claim that she had both a sexual and romantic relationship with an extraterrestrial. This episode really puts the ooh in ufology because this is, we last couple, we did an episode about the sexual encounters with the alien. And a lot of times they're a lot rougher, let's say, right?

And I was reading through a book called Secret Life by David M. Jacobs, who was a protege of John E. Mack, who was the Harvard, who was the Harvard professor that lost his whole reputation, being the first like high up scientist to take the abduction scenario seriously. Hold on a second. There was a professor with the pro wrestler named Johnny Mack. It's John E. Mack, okay, all right, so it's John Eduardo Mack. Welcome to class kids, it's Johnny Mack, if you're fucking late, you're a pile driver. But a lot of times these, you know, as we've talked about, like, you know, Secret Life

talks about a lot of times abduction scenarios where they put a little cap at the end of your penis and it makes you so hard that you come, a mixture of semen and blood and women having orgasms through their mind, they don't like it, they don't want to deal with it. This is different. This is romance and what this really requires, especially if you're incredibly sick, like I'm getting over, Marcus is getting over, if you're incredibly sick, this is a really good time to eat a bunch of edibles and let this permeate through your brain, like through the membrane of your reality and understand every once in a while these encounters can

be romantic. Okay. Can I split the difference and roll up a joint made of edibles? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Of course. That'd be fun to burn. From what she later claimed, Elizabeth Clare mated with a Nordic type alien named Acon,

who claimed to be from the planet Meton, aka Venus 2, located 4.3 light years from Earth and the Proxima Centauri system. Yeah, you know, you fucking, you gotta get the best fucking herb on Venus 3 though, no? Yes, indeed. You are smoking so many edibles today. It's crazy. Well, following two sessions of romantic copulation, Clare claimed to have been impregnated by Acon and she subsequently gave birth on his home planet.

Remember, Meton? Meton! Yeah. There, she spent nine years in Meton time raising an alien hybrid son, although in Earth time, she was only gone four months. Okay. That's nice though, man. Honestly, I like the transition.

Boom, boom, get out, you raised a kid, then you're done. Four months later, Earth time, you're fucking done, you're already a mommy, it's like the kids in college. I agree. That's actually, that sounds like a good thing. Yeah, Clare, however, was never shy about giving the details of her story. She began speaking out about her experiences in the 70s and her story was in fact given a standing ovation at the 11th International Congress of UFO Research Groups in 1975.

You could almost hear the pre-grunt from the entire crowd when they're like, yeah, I think we have to do a standing ovation. I was about to say, and it's also incredibly difficult for the amount of rascals in that audience for them to do it. Can I just rev the rascal a little, that's as good as a standing ovation. Well, partly, the standing ovation was because Elizabeth Clare had a storytell that was more than just a horny fairy tale romance with the beautiful alien. Is it though?

I don't know. I hope we get a little bit more than that. I'm given the benefit of the doubt here, in addition to the window dressing, Elizabeth was also able to give specific technical specs about ACON's UFO that at the very least, sounded highly convincing. It was very detailed in the way that we see a lot with abduction scenarios, people who experience these type of things, and people who have things like schizophrenia, like a highly detailed fantasy world, or is it highly detailed reality, something that you understand?

Well, to tell the truth, romance novel narrative aside, the UFO specs given by Elizabeth Clare could be applied to some of the very real video footage we've seen of UFOs these last few years as a result of soft UFO disclosure. Oh yeah, I've seen a couple of hard UFO disclosures as well on the old pornob. Are you watching UFO porn, kiss it honestly? It exists. I don't watch it though, because I don't believe. True, true, true.

Well put another way, all of this stuff that Elizabeth Clare was saying, sounded good back then to people who wanted any kind of insight into the science of UFOs, and it still sounds good to maroons like us who have no real understanding of science. True. And her stuff was... Wait a second. It sounds... I don't know anything about science.

Exactly. You go like, oh yup. Every single time she explains about like, light energy conversion, or turning matter into energy, or like gravity wells, and she says all of this stuff that the alien said to her, he alien-splains to her many times, which we'll see, and you're like, yeah okay, yeah okay, that makes some sense. If you ever say I don't know about science again, I'm just gonna push back with saying I've read every Marianne Williamson book, so you tell me I don't know about science.

One thing I will say about this scenario is, okay, she goes into a highly specific detailed story of these various things that she sees. The ships, the science behind how these ships work, and I know that a part of it is that there's something within the phenomena that wants you to translate to other people, this is real. So I'm gonna give you all of these details, these highly, highly, like, very specific things to try to put a hook into that you can believe in, which is something that people like move on, and all these types of people who want like actual hard evidence of UFOs,

that the exact you get them on your side, right? Which is, the problem is it's also how you get torn apart, because people then look at the science that you're spouting and it doesn't make any sense. You sound like a schizophrenic, you sound like someone with a very ornate fantasy life, right? Sure. That has built a whole world, but that's why I think, in my brain, what we are looking for in terms of hard UFO information that has been given by quote unquote soft disclosure, right?

I think that that and the abduction scenario are very different phenomena that we see from different angles, right? The fact that the UFOs that we are seeing and we have footage of, they don't listen to any one of our actual rules of physics here on planet Earth, right? Well, I hope they'll listen to the podcast anyway. I mean, I give five stars on iTunes, we'll be back February 1st, five stars on iTunes. And so, you know, they split open, they change, they don't react to inertia, they can go between mediums from like water to air without stopping, all this kind of shit.

On the same level, psychologically, the abduction scenario is also really similar where it does not pay attention to any sort of reality, but there also, there is a structure to the abduction scenario. And what I will talk about as we go through what she experienced, it actually is really similar to the other like chapters that someone travels through during a gray abduction, but it's done essentially with the fucking drapes, like it's red shoe diaries versus the horrible rape that the grays do to people. Okay.

Well, let's get into it. But it's just not, it's just, you could try to pin this down, all right? I'm yelling, all right? No, you are. No, you are. And you could try to pin this down to be like, oh, any proof, any proof. And I get it. I get that you want that.

But also, it's nebulous because this fucking crazy woman experienced something and we're going to talk about it. Okay. It seems like you are exceptionally defensive. No. She's just got me. Especially with two friends, especially friends that are, you know, interested in agreement on those things.

No. The boy there, yeah. Like on board. I don't know how you've gone to that. I don't fucking care of you. I don't care if you're denying me. I don't know how you worked yourself up. Because Marcus and I actually didn't say anything during your spiel, but then you somehow still

got mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. So based on the positive response Elizabeth Clare received from her UFO talks, she released the full story in the form of a book called Beyond the Light Barrier in 1980, which will work as our main source today for our journey into the world of romantic UFO encounters. So I apologize for being so stuffy. Additionally, my nose and my, I am stuffy.

I think it actually works. We all have, we all have some, it's just a rainy, gunky time. Yeah. This is kind of romantic though, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I suppose so. Also in our three separate orbs, our three separate squares that we're looking at.

Additionally, we also used a chapter from a book called Maverick, Extraordinary Women from South Africa's Past by Lauren Bukes. Bukes, by the way, gave a very generous account of Elizabeth Clare's life story in addition to the alien experiences. You know what I also want to give all of you a tip on? It is this documentary that is narrated by one of the most compelling voices I have ever heard in a UFO documentation. It is called Extraordinary, the Seating.

It's narrated by this very ethnic man named Henry Zabrowski. And it is about the hybrid phenomena. It's actually very interesting, and it is connected to what Elizabeth Clare experienced, but I was even cracking myself up watching it yesterday because I forgot that I narrated it. And so it's just my voice coming in over these people talking about being space raped. It is very, very interesting, but it's got a lot of compelling footage. Wow.

All right. Well, watch out. Whoever narrates Ken Burns' documentaries, Zabrowski is coming for your job. He's coming for your family. Don't talk that way about Peter Coyote. I mean, it was a hundred Coyote. That's great. He's got a great voice.

So Elizabeth Clare was born the youngest of three daughters on July 1, 1910, to an English couple who had settled on a farm in the KwaZulu Natal Midlands in South Africa. This, Elizabeth said, is where she had her first extraterrestrial sighting at the age of seven. She claimed that she and her nine-year-old sister were feeding their Sealy Ham puppies outside of the family farm. What is a Sealy Ham puppy? It's a little terrier.

It's a dog. I thought it was like another term for like a horse. Oh, like, oh, they were feeding actual seals like, oh, yeah, I don't know. Kind of cute. I feel like it's a little puppy, but they have the little, you know, when you slice a pineapple and you put a little, you put a little cherry on it and then you put a little toothpick in a ham. And I feel like maybe it would have fur like that or something like that, but maybe thinking

about ham. What's happening? Sealy Ham puppy. You would think you'd have little pineapple slices on it. No, I mean, you're sure, okay, you want this? I mean, it works. I'm allowing a lot today. Thank you.

Well, they said that they saw a glowing orange red meteor falling from the sky. Meteor big enough for Elizabeth could see the craters that pocked marked the object's surface. Cool. Suddenly though, a silver disc appeared flashing a pearly white light that was similar to that of heat waves, suddenly changing the colors of the air. It floated next to the meteor and slowly pushed the sphere off its path, saving Elizabeth and quite possibly South Africa.

I feel like it's a lot. I feel like all of these are projections. Truly. I think the idea that it saved us from a comet is probably not real. Why? Because they're doing that now with, with our missiles and stuff. There were working on it. We just did it for the first time.

We did it just for the first time. I know, but maybe they did save us. Maybe who knows. But I will say what's interesting about the heat like rays coming off of it. That is very similar to what we're seeing in the water right now. Like we're seeing these USOs pop up and they're disturbing the water. They create foam around them. We talk about in our USOs episodes.

Cool. Well immediately after the near miss, Elizabeth and her sister ran to their house and told their parents what had happened. Elizabeth's father was skeptical, but her aristocratic mother, who dressed in evening gowns for dinner, even in the South African wilderness, she believed them, being of a war whimsical nature. I mean, yeah, she wore evening gowns to dinner every night. She's a fairy tale woman.

Oh, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, Henry. Women don't dress for us. She dresses for herself. And so because she said, I want to feel special today and she doesn't care if anyone sees her because she wants to wear her evening gowns and then eat what I can assume is a series of different porridges. All I know is, is that if you start wearing evening gowns, Castle, I know that you haven't made a Harry Styles turn towards androgyny.

I know it means you're about to have a stroke. Yeah, that's possible because you will have to shop at the Dress Barn. No, I know the Dress Barn, one of the worst named places of all time. But every size a hug, who wants to go out for a date? We don't get treated very well, do we? No. But the man who gave the most credence to their claims was their Zulu farm manager, the Dom, who had a deep understanding of Zulu folklore.

The Dom believed that the girls had seen a lightning bird, which can be either a good or bad creature. I fucking love lightning birds, dude. This is so fucking sweet. Have you ever read anything about the Dogon people as well? Yeah, I've read about the Dogon. The Dogon's talking about the idea that they are very, very attached to aliens and that they've been speaking to aliens for a very long time.

There's a very deep relationship between several African tribes and the UFO phenomenon. On the good side, the lightning bird can be a herald of the sky gods. A creature with metallic iridescent wings that shift color in the same way Elizabeth described the craft that pushed the meteor off course. But the lightning bird can also be a creature of evil. That's what fucking happens, bro. It's neutral, bro, like the universe. Yeah, it's said that this creature usually served as a familiar for witches and witch

doctors bound by their masters to attack their enemies in an often vampiric fashion. You know what's so annoying is like the witch does all the work, right? And then the witch doctor comes in and is like, yep, you're fine. Oh, sir, you're comparing this. You're basically comparing nurses and doctors to this idea that nurses do all the work. Yes, because what does the witch doctor actually do and we need to start fucking thanking our witches out there. He is during this pandemic, they've been putting some hexes on people and I know for

a fact they killed a couple of evil ones. The lightning bird has an insatiable appetite for blood and sometimes takes the form of a beautiful young man who seduces women quite possibly like our friend Aikon in this story. So months after the incident with the meteor, Elizabeth had her second sighting, this time with farm manager LaDamn present. She later said they were outside when the sky dimmed and massive black clouds filled the skies. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking flashes of lightning going off. It's going to be a great weatherman, Henry, so excited about clouds. I mean, it's cool when UFOs are about to pop out of it, normally clouds are stupid. But suddenly a tornado funnel formed and swayed towards Elizabeth's homestead as Elizabeth ran towards the house as lightning seemingly chased her. The heroic silvery craft emerged again, this time accompanied by a herd of unearthly white horses.

Whoa. Sweet Johnny Cash. Yeah. The Bible. Very apocalyptic. The funnel was redirected and the tornado instead destroyed a nearby abandoned shed. Now after this encounter, LaDamn figured he had no choice but to bring in a spiritual leader.

So they contacted their Zulu chieftainess. So interesting how they like went straight to kind of, we just covered all those exorcisms, like the idea of being like, we need a priest in here. Like we need, like we got to figure this out, there's horses everywhere. Yeah. Well immediately picking up on the game, the chieftainess claimed that it was Elizabeth's golden hair that had called down the Abalungu. Abalungu, of course, it's a collective and now derogatory term for white people.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. That makes sense. So we're the horses. Yeah. No, it's pretty much like it's Abalungu.

When do I get my horse? It's like the same as, like it's like calling a sky honkies. Oh yeah. I'm an sky honkies dude. I'm opening up a bar called sky honkies and this could be really successful. It's like one of my favorite quotes from, remember the back in the day, they had the movie, there was a TV movie about Heaven's Gate. And I forget the name of the movie, one of my favorite quotes in the very beginning.

Those eight honkies, they're space people. All right. Very cool. Well, regardless, the chieftainess said that there would be a meeting between Elizabeth and the sky whites and eventually a mating. All right. You're about to get fucked. You met a priest in the first thing he said, oh, well, you're about to get fucked.

Maybe that's what happened with the stupid Virgin Mary. It could be, we don't know. But those encounters would be the end of Elizabeth Claire's extraterrestrial encounters for nearly 20 years. After growing up and getting a meteorology degree in England, she returned to South Africa in 1932, married an RAF pilot named Captain W. Stafford Phillips and gave birth to a daughter. Being a pilot, Philip taught Elizabeth how to fly. And she'd often serve as a navigator when they took his Tiger Moth single propeller

plane out for short trips around South Africa. And it's here in the skies where Elizabeth had her next encounter. In 1937, Elizabeth and Captain Phillips were flying their Tiger Moth from Durban to Baragwanath when a huge blue and white pulsating sphere with a slightly raised dome, classic UFO, pulled level with their plane. And then hold on one second. Roll the window down. Do you have any grape upon?

Oh, this is absolutely fascinating. I can't believe the grape upon commercial, the phenomena happened. I can't believe the grape upon phenomena happened to me. It's a commercial reference from 1996. Elizabeth noticed at first and then like tapped her husband on the neck. He ducked and banked away, kind of freaked out. The UFO, however, kept pace as easily as an Olympic athlete would with a child, flashing blue, white and yellow all the while.

Finally, it flipped on its side, rolled away like a wheel and vanished in a burst of light. It's kind of funny because Elizabeth, the way she talks about it too, she's been very into this ever since she first saw it. Like, when she first saw that UFO, she would, I've been going to the fields and I would try to see the UFO again and again and then did only come temporarily. And then this one too, she had her face pressed against the glass. I did see a documentary with Elizabeth Clare called Be On The Light Barrier, and then they say name is a book and it was the most boring single hour I've ever spent.

I think I made it six minutes. So does that mean that it's real? That means it's real? I think so, yes. Now this experience seemed to introduce an entirely new way of thinking to Elizabeth. She said that afterward she could sense a lovely planet glowing in the velvet depths of space. Yeah, beyond, as she called it, the light barrier, that's where she got the name from.

Fucking trippy dude, just watched Annihilation 2 and it's just like so fun to think of fucking phantom planets, man. Yeah. We're real ones, you could also think of all the real ones out there. Now whatever, man, they're fucking bored with that shit. Once Elizabeth was aware of the presence in the sky, she started practicing telepathy with every being where she could sense the spark of life, from dogs and cats and plants to machines and horses.

Well, hold on one second. But she's doing telepathy with items and creatures that can't respond. So she's just looking at a poinsettia and being like, I know you like lasagna, but the poinsettia didn't say anything and there's no way to convey that. Kissell, I'm going to do telepathy at you and you tell me what I'm thinking, right? Because it's very easy to do. Oh, you want me to tell you what you're thinking? I'm doing telepathy at you, so you have to try to absorb it.

So here we go. You were thinking of your father face down in the pool that you bought the family. Jesus fucking Christ. Is that it? No, that's the darkest thing. That's dark. Oh, god damn it. I was thinking of a big butt.

Oh, similar, perhaps took us up in the air. No. If the Zabrowski butt is a trait that is very familiar, it is a butt that goes in. It's recessed. All right, well, I should have guessed. So shortly after this sighting, Elizabeth's husband, Captain Phillips, was redeployed to Hatfield in England just as World War II was heating up. There Elizabeth worked for the Royal Air Force as a meteorologist, trained specifically to

observe aerial anomalies. That part's definitely true. It was while she was working this job that Elizabeth claimed to have met and made friends with Air Chief Marshal Hugh Dowding, a British national hero who would later lead the defeat of the German Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain in 1940. Nice. This is a big deal. I like the names in this story.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. If I met him, I would just go like, good work. Good work. Fucking dead. Yeah, bro. Fuck you. I'll buy you a Happy Meal or something.

Cool. Fuck yeah. Yeah, bro. Kelly, I did it. They do seem like very classy people, though. Very. Elizabeth claimed to know Sir Dowding well enough to refer to him affectionately as chief. And since Sir Dowding was a keen spiritualist and student of unexplained phenomena, he

was highly interested in Elizabeth's extraterrestrial experiences. Also Elizabeth back in the day was kind of hot. So I think we're also seeing the common phenomena of I'll nod at you until maybe I see your bassoons. But she is in this story, I mean, as opposed to a lot of our ufologists tales, she is an expert in the field. If anybody could be a person that can identify things in the sky, she technically got a degree in it.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Now while this connection seems like an outlandish claim, Sir Dowding spoke often and publicly about his spiritualist beliefs, claiming to have spoken with many dead fighter pilots. He was very open about his belief in Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo. PTSD. It's really actually quite sad that he had to do that. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty. Additionally, he also believed in reincarnation, claiming his first wife gave him information

about the reincarnation of animals long after her death. Was he just talking to my mother? You know, I knew Valentine. I met this butcher the other day. I met this butcher the other day, and he gave me an extra cut of the lamb. I was going to get lamb to give me extra cut to it, and I knew that was Valentine talking. That's our first dog. She said stuff like that.

Mrs. Zombrowski, I'm actually a widow. My wife died 15 years ago, and I was kind of attracted to you. Actually, if I could just get some more of the lamb. Maybe that's fantastic. Thank you. You're my dog! Oh, I'm a... I'm sorry.

Well, what's most interesting about this is that letters made public in 2018 revealed that Sir Doubting's beliefs went deeper than just PTSD reincarnation. He believed in fairies and gnomes as well, and was in fact a member of the Theosophical Society founded by occultist Madame Helena Blavatsky. It happens all the time. You got Edgar Mitchell, the astronaut, he believes wholeheartedly that he saw structures on the moon. You've got this new guy that I've been reading about, John Ramirez, who used to work for

the CIA. He's saying all sorts of fucking shit about how he knows for a fact that humankind is a cloned creature that we were made by aliens. Could they ship the shape, change it a little? Yeah, I feel like we could use a couple of nip tucks. Yes. But it is weird, Michael Aquino created an entire sect of Satanism called the Temple of Set.

It is really interesting to see how many people within our government do believe in all of this stuff, and then it's like, does that make you feel better or not? I don't know. That's the wonderful gray that we live in, but they did just recently see that structure on the moon, which I don't think has been explained yet, and I think that world will continue to unfurl in front of our eyes. We don't know what the moon cube is yet. We don't know.

Well, concerning Elizabeth, she said that Sir Doubting recruited her to do research on UFOs just before World War II broke out. During the war, she did research on small bright lights that used to bother and follow British fighter planes, called Foo Fighters, by the pilots. Where it's Christopher Watkins says, Foo Fighters. Thank you. Thank you for that. It's on that Saturday Night Live, when people do the, some person has been cutting up the

intros of the bands by host on Saturday Night Live. That's what he said. Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters. Okay. Very good. Well, originally, the Brits thought that these lights were some mysterious German weapon, seeing as how the Nazis were always debuting some weird weapon or another.

But it was soon discovered through broken code that the Luftwaffe were reporting these same strange lights. Now Elizabeth moved back to South Africa in 1943 while the war raged on, and allegedly, she continued her work for aerial intelligence until an Afrikaner group with Nazi sympathies lit a gas tank on fire and put Elizabeth in the hospital in the ensuing blast. Oh my goodness. But just as the war was winding down, so too was Elizabeth's first marriage. She divorced in the mid-1940s, but soon remarried to an engineer in Vereenigig.

That's a hard one. Yeah. Is it Vereenigig? It's Vereenigig. That's what it is. Is that how it's pronounced? I did look it up. It's Vereenigig.

Okay. Cool. All right. So the marriage ended after the war. So I wonder if they just sat down and were like, now that the war's over, we have nothing to talk about. Pretty much. Turns out we only had one thing in common, and that was watching others die.

No war. Well, his second husband, his name was Paul Clare, together he and Elizabeth had a son named David, but due to Elizabeth's passion for ufology and the paranormal, the marriage disintegrated by the mid-50s. This is, it happens to women. Yeah. That's what it shows. It's not just men.

Also women destroy love with the truth. Well this is adding a little bit more credence to her tale once again. Or it doesn't. Two divorces under her belt. Two divorces that speaks most to the fact that it could be real. Yeah, exactly. And it was right around the time of her second marriage's end that Elizabeth's extraterrestrial experiences were taken to the next level while she was on holiday with her sister back

on the family farm in South Africa. Now in the months leading up to this encounter, the native Zulu people had once again reported sightings of the lightning bird appearing in the skies. And amidst these sightings, Elizabeth climbed what came to be known as Flying Saucer Hill one fateful afternoon. South Africa is a massive hotspot for UFO activity. Huge. It is really interesting.

I think it's partially because you see it a lot. You see it in the UK and you actually see it in the southwestern United States and it's got a lot to do with the phenomena is attracted to interesting meetups of various terrestrial types, desert into mountains, natural water spots, all of these mineral deposits. Really interesting. It's all connected to that type of shit. Well, it continues on. I believe Elon Musk is then an alien.

Well, you know, he is at least half of that business man. I just googled it. There's some theories out there. Yeah, either that or, you know, he built this whole thing on apartheid blood money. Maybe. No way. No way. No way.

Whoa. Save it for no dogs. No. apartheid blood money sounds like a horrible, horrible punk band. Give it to me. Well, up on Flying Saucer Hill, not yet named Flying Saucer Hill, only named Flying Saucer Hill. There she saw the same silver spaceship she'd seen three times before using clouds as camouflage.

Suddenly the 60 foot diameter saucer complete with a rounded dome and portholes lowered itself until it was no more than a yard off the ground, pulsating with a hum so loud that Elizabeth's ears popped. Cool. When Elizabeth looked into the porthole, however, she did not see the unsettling sight of an alien gray or reptilian or an insectoid. What did she see? Ben Kissel sitting at the porthole and falling in the floor.

No, no. He's eating three hot dogs and he is ogling a 40 year old mother with a cesarean scar. Sure. Instead, she beheld the most beautiful man she'd ever seen, sporting a shock of white hair. And last my love is coming off from her account. Elizabeth felt a sense of affinity and love from his slight smile, so gentle that it caused her heart to miss a beat with eyes so soft she dared not look into them again.

Coming for you, Liz. I mean, is it love if she got a heart murmur while staring at him? No, man, that's what love is. I thought that I was brutally sick when I met Natalie. But after this brief moment of intense connection, the ship abruptly rose into the air and took off with a flash of light, just as the ship she'd seen with her first husband had done years before. But even though there was an obvious spark of affection, the UFO did not return for another

18 months, but since Elizabeth had been practicing telepathy on horses and plants and such for years, she sensed the ship's return once it came back into planet Earth orbit. Turns out this horse also wants a carrot. Yeah, this horse wants a carrot. This is for, I'm thinking out there, you guys are lonely, huh? You guys out here, I've heard people talk about their lonely, trying to find that other person? Try to talk to plants with their mind for a while.

And then maybe you'll know when the one shows up. Put on more Garson's Plantasia, start fucking, just like, learn to play the fucking Mogue, man, like, play some synthesizer. Make your own way in the world. Make your own way in the world, be your own vibe. Actively speak to other people. No, no, no, you can't speak, well, it's because the only person, the only person you should be with should be the person who hears you thinking at them when you meet them.

Perfect, yeah. Well, when she felt the presence of the flying saucer near, she ran to the top of Flying Saucer Hill and found the UFO had landed. This time, the tall, beautiful man was standing beside it like a teenager waiting to pick up his horny, horny prom date. I got you a corsage. So Elizabeth ran to the tall white alien and he swept her up in his arms, swinging her around and laughing.

He asked, quote. I'm not afraid this time. To which she answered, I have known your face within my heart all my life. The alien soon introduced himself as Akon, a scientist from the planet Meton and brought Elizabeth. Oh my God, a scientist. Wow. Yeah.

And brought Elizabeth aboard. He got a job. He's bonafide. Brought Elizabeth aboard, his classic flying saucer. Once inside, Akon introduced Elizabeth to the pilot named Sheeran. There's a lot of rhyming here. Okay. Keep it simple.

Sheeran was just as striking as Akon. Yep. Handsome as well. Yeah, yeah. Akon, Elizabeth said, had straight, long, golden white hair with high cheekbones, light gray eyes, and aquiline nose. Okay. So it's Akon and Sheetan and they're from Heetan.

Sheeran. Okay. Interesting. This guy, Akon, kind of looked like an alien, Adrian Brody, with the hair of Edgar Winner. The perfect man. Wow. He's a good actor. Yeah.

Akon's clothes were fairly standard for an alien, a one-piece form-fitting, shimmery garment with only hands and head exposed, although gloves and a headpiece were nearby. The head, Elizabeth noted, was also form-fitted, with slits for the eyes, nose, and mouth, like a somewhat less aggressive version of the Gimp Mask. Cool. Okay. Hey, man, he's got how he concentrates. Yeah.

Now, from what Elizabeth said about the only thing on her mind at this moment was carnal romance. Oh, yeah, man. Made her fucking wet downstairs. Yeah. But you're fucking married, Liz. You're married. No, she's divorced.

She's divorced at this time. Oh, she's divorced during this time period? She's divorced. Yeah, man. You're married. Second husband laughed her. I thought this was because she was getting eaten out all the time in space, and that's why he left.

No. Carnal romance is so close to sounding like carnal romance, and you would be amazed what you could do with a hot dog. Dude, man, carnal romance, you don't think there's not some massive fucking happen behind the Ferris wheel, my friend? Akon told her that he had observed Elizabeth all her life, had watched her as a child, and he wanted to be with her, but needed to wait until she had grown up in the knowledge and understanding that came from repeated visitation teasing.

We have a thing on me, Tom. If there's grass on the field, you play with the ball. At some point, I want the ladies to comment on this. At some point, when does it become, oh, you stalked me my entire life, and you were attracted to me since I was four years old. That sounds creepy, right? There's a song. Actually, I think there's a song about it.

What is this? A girl? You'll be a woman soon? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's waiting for her to turn legal. Yeah.

All right. I guess. Yeah. Well, at that moment, after this somewhat creepy statement, he kissed her, and this, as Elizabeth Clare wrote in her book, is what happened next. A magical electric current seemed to fuse us together in an eternity of ecstasy. In that moment, I knew that the art of love was of the mind, and so, not only of the body, smiling at my thoughts, he put his hand gently under my chin, tilting my head back in looking

deep into my eyes. We rarely mate with earthwomen, he said. When we do, we keep the offspring to strengthen our race and infuse new blood. Oh, interesting. But before they could mate and strengthen the race, Acorn gave Elizabeth a very long and extremely detailed tour of the mothership. Oh, my. It immediately gets boring.

He mansplains her. Yeah, he immediately, like, he's just been like, this here's the tri-gon for a pluck of nicking. It turns energy into meter cubes, and she's just like, interesting, oh, you're tall and you have a job. Yeah, he's describing all the technology that made space travel possible. Just immediately turned into Tim the Toolman Taylor. Yes.

Well, put simply, Acorn said that the spaceship converted pure energy into physical substance through its smooth, circular shape, transforming it into a combination of matter and antimatter as the outer skin energized in alternating pulses. Oh, my God. So you're going to eat my pussy now sooner than later, but I'll care about that. This process, this process, Acorn said. It sounds like this guy would be a fan of Jay Leno's garage. Acorn was cool, but now I'm thinking like, I don't care about the dashboard.

Well, this process, Acorn said, is achieved, quote, by pressing that red button. That glorious red button said, you don't know shit. So scientists created this, and you just hit the button. You don't do anything. No. That's how it's made. You hit the button. You hit the big red button, and then you go boom, boom.

But that's all I do in my truck. I hit the button, but I can't tell you about Kars. That's all he had to say. He was trying to show, he was trying to impress her, bro. Yeah. But it's how it turns on. After the big red button was pushed, an electro-gravity field created a vacuum that encircled the shift, enable it to shift without the restriction of speed and without sound.

Technically some scientists with the UAP group was trying to study was this shit, the idea of gravity wells. Yeah. One of its propulsion system, he said, was the combination of electric, magnetic, tempic, and resonated forces. The unified field, as well. Now we're heading into Marianne Williamson territory. You know what I mean?

Like this is also what she said she was going to do to fix the government. Well, and listen to that episode of top hat when I interviewed her, she's a lovely person. Yeah. She couldn't be any worse. Well, basically the tempic or time field maneuvers the spaceship from one time field to another, which is how UFOs tend to appear or disappear very suddenly. They're not actually moving through space, they're moving through time. Well, you know, sure.

Whenever fucking floats your boat, bro, all I know is it's fucking $5 a gallon of gas right now in LA, so if that's time, I guess if time is money, then yes, I put about fucking 60 bucks of time into my fucking car every week. Okay, great. Well, controlling the temperature field, meanwhile, allows the ship complete mobility and control over the velocity. I think it basically removes friction, right? Sure.

Yes. I don't know, man. I don't know. Okay. So after explaining the spaceship technology, ACON fed Elizabeth salads and golden fruit juice. The golden fruit juice thing, golden fruit juice? Golden pit juice.

Yes. It's piss. Apple juice is also golden. It could be. He says it's golden fruit juice. We don't know what it tasted like. She apparently liked it. It could still be pissed because some people like drinking it piss, but he presented all

of this. He's like, we grow this right here on the ship. Because we do not need to get on the ship. Push the button. You'll see. It's this other red button. So after explaining all that, ACON's brother, Haven, showed up and explained as all aliens tend to do that we're pretty much doing everything wrong here on earth.

Oh my God, they're Canadians? Yes. ACON and Haven gave the same old, same old about earth not being ready for interstellar travel. Because we're too mean, too violent. And what if I fucking beat the shit out of you? What if I just do that? Men they said were poisoned by stupidity and ignorance and will eventually quote, smother

themselves in their own filth. You're dressed like an idiot, ACON. How about that? This is a form-fitting outfit. It was made by SpaceTaylor's, SpaceSook. So maybe you think about that, you unwashed fucking monkey. You got long hair. You look like someone's lesbian aunt.

I've heard that before. Oh, thank you, ACON. You got that from Twitter. ACON, Fitzman's fucking right to smother himself in his own filth. Fuck yeah, dude. Very true. Very true. ACON also said that they tried making contact with Earth authorities.

But every single time, whatever air force they contacted, tried to either shoot them down or ram their spaceships with their airplanes. They don't understand what- I don't think that's true. We're trying to teach the air force about the clitoris. They will not listen. Well, Heyman then took a big left turn in the conversation, saying that he, too, had been watching Elizabeth since she was a child.

And they'd all collectively chosen her to mate with ACON. Yeah, so what they did is you were Barrymore. This is horrible. So now they have- So now it's two brothers and this other person who is the pilot. They all been steering sexually at a little girl and they all decided when she was old enough, they'd let the tallest one fuck her. And by old enough, it's like, she's in her mid 40s at this point.

She's like 46, 47. Yeah, man. That's where he had two kids. His life doesn't end at 40 because that's when a woman really ripens into something you can really chow on. I just don't know if she wanted to make this a family affair. What does she think at this point? She's in love and love love.

While sidestep in this creepy statement for a bit, ACON put his race in relation to humans, possibly to seem just the slightest bit less alien. ACON said that his civilization had first existed on Venus but moved to Earth eons ago because the sun had expanded its corona and belched lethal radiation all over their home planet, killing all flora and fauna on Venus forever. Eventually, the Venusians had to leave Earth as well for the same reason, although the corona belch the second time around only killed the dinosaurs. I don't know that's what killed the dinosaurs.

We know for certain that it was the asteroid, don't we? I think that there's several theories still. I might be wrong on this, but I do believe that there is also a theory that they were killed by a virus mixed with the asteroid, that it all happened, but then it was a massive extinction of many layers. I heard also the dinosaurs maybe became extinct because of diabetes. They actually had a horrible diet in many cases. But then again, to be slightly optimistic, look out your window, do you see a bird?

When half the dinosaurs died, I do not think so. Aren't the dinosaurs still with us? Live, I'm an X. I got 12 dinosaurs in my fucking refrigerator right now. What do you think about it, man? At one point, fucking Earth, just a bunch of fucking dinosaurs and Venusians, man. Yeah, man, a Ringo. You see that movie where Ringo's hanging out with his dinosaurs to cave me a movie?

I believe it. I mean, you know, the thing about the T-Rex, there's no way they could find a drummer for a T-Rex band, so Ringo has to come and save the day. You are the living end. Living end. Yeah. Well, according to She-Ron, some Venusians did stay behind in an underground city in Antarctica, safe from the radiation.

Presumably, they're still there. Yeah, it's shagging out, man. But Meton. That's where the good weed is at. Yeah. It's ironic, but Meton, or Venus II, as they called it, was a peaceful, natural place. This Acon said is where he and Elizabeth would mate. It's just such a fucking idea of explaining all of this, like, planetary history, all

the solar system stuff, and then finally, and that's what brings us to Venus II. We will fuck. Oh, wow. That's it. But not yet. Not yet. Not yet. You know, I'm not for war, but I think peace is a little overrated, because if they're

like, oh, it's peaceful, that means nothing happens, no one can ever scream. Like, you know, sometimes the peace has to be interrupted in a random Starbucks. I don't think… Someone's becoming a real Nancy Pelosi over here. I'm just saying, if everything is super peaceful, isn't it a little boring? I don't know. I tend to be okay if I don't see violence for a while. Not necessarily violence.

I could not see open violence. We saw a man die in front of Verizon, Baltimore. Right. That's true. We got shot in front of our venue in Portland, and that's like, there's a lot going on that we don't dial down. That's a good point. Yeah.

There was no time in any of that in which I thought, awesome. Cool. Cool, man. Fuck it. Hell, yeah, bro. Fuck yeah. We can still have sports in a peaceful world, so then you get your violence out of that one.

That's where you should be. Yeah. Yeah, keep it there. I just need to see somebody bleed. Yeah. They're going to mate on METON, but not yet, just as they were sharing electrical kisses, ACON told Elizabeth that she was actually a Venusian. You're very mature for your age.

I'm 41 years old. She was the reincarnation of a long-lost soulmate, but despite this, he could not take her to METON then and there to fuck, and said, he said, quote, Our lives are entwined, as a thread of gold weaves a pattern in the sky. My love, my life, my chosen mate, I will return to possess you, and sow the seed of my love within your delicate body. The mark of my love will remain within your soul forever, because nobody wants to see us together, but it don't matter no, nobody wants to see us together.

Write that song down. You're very popular. Songs about a horribly abusive relationship that the family is trying to save that girl from, but then the guy says, yeah, see, that's why you should love me because they hate me, and then that ends up in a massive divorce, or maybe she's even dead, so what a great message for the kids. That's ACON, man. That's ACON, man.

ACON, also, this is the only point in the story where I think she might be making it up because no man, alien or human, would ever be that romantic. You don't know. And with that, Elizabeth was returned to Earth to wait once again. Again? Again, bud. You gotta wait for that dick. It's been, they've been stalking her for half a century.

Not ready. Not ready to get fucked yet. This is the whole thing, man. This is what you've been doing. You've played a long game with love, Kissel. Yeah. The word did spread quickly of Elizabeth's subduction. And seeing how this was the mid-1950s, is right at the start of the UFO craze, Elizabeth

started her long career as both a source of fascination and ridicule in the South African press. But even so, Elizabeth said, sir, doubting, flew from London just as soon as she told him what had happened. But he did advise her that all the hubbub calmed down before trying to contact ACON again. So let me tell you, ask Elizabeth, is there any way that maybe you should practice all love making on a human man first, before you make love to this Venusian?

And I will say, I'm a hero. The Battle of Britain. I fought the roof apart from my very own self. I didn't know when you did it. And I feel I'm the best candidate to try your vagina first, before you go to this Venusian. Interesting sales pitch. From what Elizabeth said, the press weren't the only ones giving her attention.

She claimed that she was threatened with abduction by shadowy, unnamed military organizations, possibly Russians, if she didn't hand over the secrets of the alien propulsion systems to authorities. Because if you believe in the Treaty of Gaeta storyline and the President Eisenhower talking with the greats, if you believe in that world, they went to the Russians, but they didn't like communism. So they wouldn't do it, even though I don't really understand it, because the aliens probably lived in a far more communal world, because they're all connected on a giant, like, mental

network. Well, it seems like they could also be very violent. But according to Elizabeth, all she had to do to get rid of these authorities was to tell Sir Doubting about all the hassles, and he assigned her an ex-policeman to guard her home and accompany her wherever she went. He was shooting his shot, dog. Wow, security. It was also around this time that Elizabeth supposedly took a picture of Akon's craft

using her sister's camera. But this does seem to be another instance of a big lie told by a person who might be telling the truth in other areas, also their story is believed. She thinks something happened, right? She believes that she was seduced by a man in the sky, and that she's been dealing with this a long time, and she has these vivid memories. And then she takes this picture, which you'll see us say right here, it's definitely a hub cap.

Yeah, she just kind of flung it into the air and took a picture of it. So, yeah, you could see why people doubt her story, but if you just looked at her vagina, you could really tell that something maybe happened. It's, I don't know why she faked the pictures. I don't know why she felt the necessary thing to take the pictures. It's like everybody, you know, all of these, we talk about it again and again and again. Just people who have like just a little bit of proof, or they know that something happened, they know that happened, they know it, you know?

So they figure they need some sort of proof to convince people, so they fake it, because they want people to believe what they know so badly, yeah. Oh yes, we've had some interesting tales of similar things happen, which is a different perspective this past year or so. Now, according to Elizabeth, ACON again went almost two years without returning. Got away. He's fucking everything also under the sun. Oh yeah.

This man is not saving himself for her. He's going out, he's having sex on Mars, he's having sex on. He's getting all of these cheap dime pieces out of the way. Yeah. All right, because that's what it's about, man. Yeah, man. It's about emptying the bad come out into a bunch of lessers. And then you choose the real one and you choose that one to gush in all the way to the back.

When ACON's ship supposedly appeared above Johannesburg in 1958, Elizabeth got in her car and left for Flying Saucer Hill. I'll go ahead and say Johannesburg, Johannesburg, Johannesburg, Johannesburg. It's all of it. Yeah. ACON was waiting, but so too was a military helicopter. Uh-oh. Unperturbed by such simplistic shows of aggression, however, ACON bent the light rays around his

ship to render it invisible. See? It's that easy. No one can see anything. It sounds like someone who really thinks that Bill Maher's monologues are funny. You just don't understand. He's layered approach to comedy and he's the only one willing to speak truth to power from a central position.

That doesn't remotely make me upset. Have you seen religious biting satire? Biting. Biting. It really puts people in place who need to be put in their place. Wow. Yeah. ACON's return meant only one thing.

It was finally time to consummate this long-awaited love of Anna. Big game. Get on with it. Oh, that. Push. Push. Making a push. All right.

So she's 50 at this time. She's 49. Okay. It's right. Leaving the military behind to scratch their heads, Elizabeth entered the ship and removed her clothes before taking a bath in an exotic green foam. Got you. Got to wash all the other fucking strange off.

We're getting sexy here, fellas. Okay. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I think it's a fever. All right. Physically sick.

It could be. But I'm hard. Okay. Rock hard. That's how I knew I was feeling better, honestly, is that I woke up with a boner again. It was really nice. It was like a welcoming sign. Fantastic.

Well, after cleansing herself of earthly pollutants, she got out and stood naked before a mirror, brushing her hair. Acorn suddenly appeared from behind and ran his hands through her hair before pulling her close and presenting a ring of beaten silver and green enamel. He said he grabbed her, but he put his hands, his fingers into her hair into her scalp and then pulled her head close to his face and sniffed her sniffed her. He then carried her to a silken platform near a curved wall and she, in her words, surrendered in ecstasy to the magic of his love-making, her bodies merging in magnetic union as the

divine essence of their spirits became one. I'm a go. Oh, that is disgusting. Never stop that. No. I'm going to go is the most disgusting way to say that you're going to have an orgasm. I am so upset with you. After Elizabeth gave herself to the man from outer space, Acorn gave her yet another tour

around the ship. Man, I show you here how the septic system works. It's fascinating. This relationship is not going to last. I can already tell. It's getting boring. It's not about that, man. It's already been good.

He brought her back to his cabin where she could rest from all that passionate alien love-making. Here's an ice pack and some Tylenol for the swelling. That's very nice. But the rest would not last long. Soon, they gave in to the throes of passion once more. He opens my gown and it's slipped from my body to the floor. Oops.

How white your skin is. He whispered, placing me down on the silken platform and he kissed my body from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I swooned in that moment of ecstasy when I felt Acorn's naked body present to mine as he made love to me again with such complete possession. Nobody wants to see us together, no matter, no. All right. It seems like she's really enjoying it here.

All right. That certainly sounds like a woman who's sort of sexually enjoying herself. This is the 95 CLIT. We're fucking 10 years old. I mean, it is mostly Henry talking about it really, I'm sure it was quite romantic. Well she fell asleep very soon, but when she awoke, Acorn politely but firmly escorted her off the ship. You're going to have to go now.

All right. You're going to have to get out of here. Honestly, it's been fun, but I've got to get to work. He's having sex all over the universe. Well, he told her that she was now with alien child. This is despite the fact that she's 49 years old. Nice. He did, however, assure her that he would return to fetch both her and his half Venusian

son before his birth. Yeah, right. The times in the intermittent period, however, switched from romance novel to sci-fi thriller. Ever so briefly, somehow the Russians got wind of Elizabeth's pregnancy. So a group of Russian cosmonauts flying a spaceship had a death ray on it, ambushed her while Elizabeth was out riding her a horse one day. She galloped away and made an escape while the Russians, in their frustration, fired the death ray and made it a nearby boulder.

A brewing storm drove off the cosmonauts back to their orbiting spacecraft while Elizabeth rode her white horse into the sunset. That was my best friend and cousin kept in planet. I'm gonna go. Not long after, Aikon reappeared and told Elizabeth it was time for her to come to meet on. Got to. Oh my God.

You got to come. What is she doing in South Africa? Does she have a job or anything? She's got kids. She's a UFO personality. She's a meteorologist. Yeah, definitely UFO personality. She was actually, I mean, her job wasn't good enough where she could just leave behind

her car. She told Aikon, dude, I can't leave my car, I gotta take my car with me, so Aikon said fuck it. Bring the car too. Yeah, come on. Let's go. Yeah, we'll ship it. We're shipping.

Come on, let's go. Let's just go. All right, let's fucking go. Yeah, Aikon's very demanding. I came to fucking get you. We're going to Venus too. We'll take the car. Who gives a shit?

All right, seems like we're starting to fight here, but that's okay. And they all flew to Meton together. Now, Elizabeth claims she was gone from Earth for only four of our months, which somehow equaled nine years on the planet Meton's. Planet time savings. Okay. Interestingly though, no one, not even Elizabeth's own children, remember her being gone for four months that year, nor did they remember her being 49 years old and pregnant, and then

suddenly not pregnant and almost a decade older. It's because they hate us. They hate us. Well, on the other hand, her eldest was away at college and her then young son, David, was away at boarding school. Yeah, man. She didn't have time to raise him. She was on Meton raising the other kids, so she had to put him in boarding school.

Don't you get it? Yeah. Okay, sure. Elizabeth was at the time also twice divorced, so it is conceivable that she was gone for a while and just nobody noticed. She's twice divorced, maybe she is living in a van down by the river. Maybe. Yeah.

Well, they're going to take that van to Meton. Yeah. No, the reason why he allowed it to come is because he said that he had never worked on piston engines before and he wanted to learn how. It's fascinating. I know how the little pistons go in and out of the tiny holes. They don't like this guy anymore. I feel like he's-

No, he's a fuckboy. He is. Now, as far as Meton went, it was a wondrous place with domed homes arranged in private gardens populated by birds and horses or two favorite things. Too many horses, too many birds. Everything was in abundance except Elizabeth noted, alcohol, cigarettes, and comic books, which Elizabeth had an odd and pointed distaste for, hated comic books. They're horrible fantasies with these broad men created by Jews with their little underpants

on. How dare they fly? Only birds can fly. Well, she hated the violent comic. This is like 1950s. This is seduction of the innocent time. So this is, you know, like crypt of terror, super violent, super cool comic books. No, this is skeleton talking on it.

Now you should know, skeletons cannot speak. Skeletons can only hear me do telepathy at them. All right. So the planet just happened to not allow the three things that she hated the most. Yeah. No, it's because you were half of us before that. So it's almost like she didn't hit us. Acon got done with his last fuck round, and then he walked around and he's just like,

okay, everyone with the cigarettes, all right, throw them out. I'm bringing my fuck toy here. She's gonna be here for a little bit. She's got to raise my son. You get rid of, hide the comic books. Okay. Oh my goodness. Once she's gone, we can bring it all back.

All right. But until then, I need you guys to cover for me. It sounds like a great, fun time having a little whiskey smoking a cigarette, reading the comic book. That's too bad. She doesn't like that. Yeah. You just described my late teens, early 20s.

Most of your life and told like five years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Telequid smoking. Well, the Holmes and Métan, she said, were never higher than three stories because the people like to be close to the energy of the planet. And I'm honestly, I'm skipping over a lot of like her new age bullshit, a lot of new age. Like, love is the unifying for like, she came, comes this close to saying, space

ships are powered by love. I mean, she, I think she means powered by fuck. Yeah. She got deeply fucked. All of this, I think is screen memories. Like in a way, if anything is true to compare it to the actual other like adduction accounts like people talk about with secret life, these are all just far more elaborate versions of what people experience when they're abducted by grace or they say they're abducted by

grace. Like the idea of these screen memories, because I imagine that like, what if the real ACON is just a bunch of fucking tentacles, but it appears to you as if it's this beautiful man, because there's this one thing in what I realized with the grace, what they try to do is there's one part of the abduction scenario that I never really read about that I found interesting where they have people play act, right, where they, they'll go into a room and they're like, all right, your husband, this is a vision of your husband, he's tied up and you have to save him.

And then all of a sudden you're frantically trying to save him and then all of a sudden everybody turns into grace and you realize that they have been watching you to see your emotional reactions to see how you hang out and that they often make you feel love feelings, right? Like they'll do this thing where they look in your eyes and you feel like you're being, you have an orgasm or you feel like you're like truly in love with the person that you're meeting, this entity that you're seeing. And what it seems to be, it's more that they're, they're trying to understand if it is true

that the grays don't understand our emotions, which is why they need us for their hybrid programs and they needed us to raise their children, is that that is true. They're looking at ways to arouse feelings and different types of intense emotions from us so they can try to understand them clinically. Like this is a long way for ACON to basically be like, so that's what it's like to have a girlfriend. And then that's it. Right.

Just cut her loose. Well, we're very emotional creatures. I don't think it's that difficult to solicit those. It's not. No, but that's the thing, the Venezians, they're far different from us. No tensions, no aggressive thoughts. And they said that's why they were allowed, that's why they lived unusually long lives. That's what kills us.

It's not, it's the stress that'll kill ya. That's what they're telling us. That's what it is. How does, whatever. It's the stress. Not bullets. It's the stress that'll kill ya. It just seems like, again, highly boring.

So after yet another tour, ACON told Elizabeth the reasons behind his multiple comings and goings. Okay. And is it, uh-huh, is it because you want to go slam a bunch of space, Poon? No, he said, and this is, I want you to, guys, gals, want to hear if you've heard this line before. Tell me if you, if you recognize this. Okay.

I took you at the right time when I detected your vibrations. This had to be done twice. Making love to you twice was the most beautiful experience, and it also was necessary because having a boy is a lot more difficult. Male bearing sperm lasts only a few hours, so I had to be accurate within hours about your time of ovulation. Sounds like every NYU professor trying to fuck a speeder. Because Elizabeth was not native to Meton, she had to drink a fruit juice to regulate

her heartbeat, which also helped her child who needed to be born on Meton so he could be attuned to the environment in which he belonged. Does that make sense? Sure. Yeah, sure. Yeah. But when it was time for her to give birth, as was outlined in the chapter titled, I had no idea of the time as we kept it on Earth, but I sensed the time going so fast so very

fast that I dare not think of the future I just live for the glory of the moving present. Wait, that's the name? That's the name of the chapter. She said the pregnancy that having the baby was easy. Cool. Yeah, she had a massage, they put her in a relaxed state. The baby just basically farted itself out with no pain. Oh, God bless.

Yeah. That's great. The child was named Ailing, and ACON announced then and there that the child would one day become a scientist. A scientist. Come on. I've made it. I've declared it.

It doesn't matter what you want, Ailing. Okay? I know you want to play space football, but you're going to be a scientist. There's no money in science, Dad. I want to be a YouTube star. No, no, no, no. You'll be here drinking fruit juice. Sweetness.

What's interesting about Elizabeth's experiences, though, is that while she claimed to spend nine further years on Meton raising her son, she spent just a few paragraphs describing the nine years of child rearing in her book. Yeah, you know. What are you going to do? It's boring. No one cares. No one cares about that shit.

Well, I think it would be kind of interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Raising a child on a different planet and a different solar system. No, no. What's kindergarten like? What's kindergarten? Oh, no.

You don't want to know all that. You don't want to know all that. What does the kid eat? Yeah. You don't care about all that. Is it a child tax credit? Yeah. ACON's horses took up pages upon pages, on the other hand, of flowery prose.

Four legs. They were there, brown and white, orange and gray. Yeah, all colors of horses. So many horses. Yeah. Dancing, eating oats, standing in a stable, or riding, so many horses. I want to believe you, because you obviously have such a creative imagination, but then it seems to really get stunted around like describing wild animals.

I don't want to bore you. So that's why I say, oh, look at the hair on the horses, and they get, it's so long and brown. And they got eyes and teeth, one tooth, two, three, two, four, two, so on there, and that's as far as I'll even go, I don't want to make you too excited. I love Werner Herzog's new documentary on horses. It's great. Unfortunately, Elizabeth's heart issue that was supposed to be fixed by the fruit juice

that persisted, and in planting a device to fix it, wouldn't have done any good. So she reluctantly returned to earth, ending her alien dealings. She got a job in a bookstore, and that's what she did. And honestly, most people I know that work in various used bookstores have all experienced this same exact thing. Absolutely. But even though the alien part of her life was basically over, she still managed to hold on to romance.

She entered into a relationship with an ex-British intelligence officer named Aubrey Fielding in 1963, who'd run an art gallery after leaving the service. That's very romantic. Well, this is kind of depressing though, because all the guys she's been with, they seem very successful, and they still weren't good enough. Sure, you had to make up an entire thing about fucking this guy named V.A. Connors spacecraft, and now she's got another super stud, and you'll still not compete with this man.

Now, Ben, and this you are wrong. Supposedly, this man had been sent to protect Elizabeth by sir-doubting and the two fell in love. And as opposed to her past husbands, who had open disdain for Elizabeth's extraterrestrial stories, Aubrey believed her completely, and even worked on Elizabeth's UFO society, Contact International. This is for all of you. You have to make sure you can't change the person you're with.

You've got to find someone who's into your life rhythm. Or get someone who is completely and utterly deaf. When asked about A. Conn, Aubrey took it in stride, saying he didn't really care about A. Conn just so long as he stayed in space where he belonged. Wow. That's cocky, but it's fine. Yeah. It's cock-esque.

No, he said don't come around here. This is my gal now. So what is he going to do if A. Conn does come around? It seems like A. Conn's a bit of a pussy. I think no. I just think that A. Conn got what he needed, and then he doesn't need her anymore. I think Aubrey is also fairly confident that A. Conn doesn't exist. Don't ruin this for me.

Tragically though, Aubrey died in 1980. Supposedly friends say, by assassination through lethal injection. What? That's a good question to Elizabeth's alien entanglements. Oh my God. And not because she was 80. No. Now, even though Elizabeth was indeed given a standing ovation at the 11th International

Congress of U.S. research groups in 1975. Rip up the rascals. I don't know. Please. Please. Can you sit? That's a good question. Honestly, now that I'm up, I should leave.

Even though she was given a standing ovation, she, like most UFO people, had her rifle. And enemies. The haters. Specifically, well, actually, in this case, she's the hater. Really? Yeah, she's the hater. She's the one who had a very public falling out in the newspapers with another supposed abductee named Anne Graveler, who claimed in her book, Operation Broomstick, that she'd

had close encounters with an alien called Ashtar on the Astral Plane. That's my thing. That's my bit. You can't take mine, I get fucked in space. Yeah. Well, that's too bad, because technically they could have joined forces and proven that they are telling the truth. To be honest.

Because of multiple situations. You're right, Kissel, because it really probably would have led Credence if she said, that's what happened to me as well. All I'd be doing is get all pussies eaten in space, and everyone would have been like, yeah, everyone would have been into it. Yeah. Elizabeth also had particular disdain for a man named Philip Heumann, who claimed Phil Heumann is.

It's just the most generic name of all. I'm trying to write a goddamn book here, but I can't think of a name for the main character. I would only have known I've met an alien if I met a man named Phil Heumann. I'm Phil Heumann. Yep, certainly Heumann. I'm not a dog, and a bunch of costumes, who can talk? Well Phil Heumann claimed to contact aliens through a trance medium, and in Elizabeth's somewhat haughty view, aliens would never stoop to such low methods.

Oh my goodness. Come on. Come on. In fact, I'm saying she's the hater. Now, from what Elizabeth claimed, while she was in regular telepathic contact with ACON, Ailing would never come to visit because it was too dangerous for him to come to Earth. Of course, this is because of our barbaric human ways. Well, he's busy, he's got space college, he's got to be a scientist, he can't be visiting

all the time. You just sit and listen to Kat's cradle, and you know, he ended up just like me. No. Elizabeth always claimed that ACON would one day return, but sadly, he never did. Nah, dude. And Elizabeth Clare died in 1994, at the age of 84. Of a broken heart. You know what it was?

She just got so damn clingy, she was so needy. It seems like ACON you saw her a total of five times in about 70 years. Yeah. Say that again. I saw her a total of five times over 70 years. Do you know how much that is for me? Wow. She'd been working on a second book called The Gravity File, which was supposed to provide

a detailed breakdown of ACON's electrogravity propulsion system. Yeah. And even though the guy who did the original narrating on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy BBC show was supposed to finish this book, it still remains incomplete decades later. Therefore, it's likely that ACON's designs will remain in the realm of romance. I'll write the book right now. It's literally, the book is, ooh, how many words is that? Push the red button.

Yep, done. That's the whole book. That's all we need to know, man. Oh, good. Also, when it comes down to, I think it shows that alien technology, isn't it just as mysterious as love? Mm-hmm. Isn't it?

I'm going to let that go. I think that is wonderful. Well, what a tale. I love this story. It's a fun, it's a folk story to wrap up the year. It does. And it seems like she didn't have her life totally ruined. It seems like for the most part it was okay.

I just think that the experiencer phenomena, people who believe that they have been abducted and all these types of things, it's like, ah, yes, or is it mixed up with actual psychological trauma sometimes? Absolutely. Because a lot of the phenomenon has to do with sexual content. They are always having sex with these things or being manipulated sexually. The idea of hybrid programs have been around for a long time. People who talk about it, talk about it in ways that it sounds much like being raped.

They are traumatized and they don't know what to do with it because they are getting scooped up like a fucking animal and then just dropped off someplace. And it is an interesting idea. It's just its own world within the UFO phenomena. The next UFO episode will probably be doing visitations with military people and talking about the military side of it because they think it is really interesting and then eventually we will talk about what the new group, whatever the new UAP group is going to come out because they are all going to be fingering out.

All they want to know is how they can use these orbs as a way to make weapons to attack everybody. I'm sure they will be fingering out a lot of things. Push the red button. Alright everyone, well thank you so much for listening. Let's see, do we have anything that we want to announce? Obviously, soul plumbers. Just we're alive, man.

We're alive. It's going to be fucking 2022. We got to fucking keep pushing. This year is going to be, the next year is going to be just as intense as this year as all of them are in their own different ways. We just got to keep our heads in a fucking swivel. We got to be strong and we got to fucking do our best to help our fellow alien. There you go.

Oh and also, hey man, big ups to Chuck and Travis Morningstar. He's leaving the fucking mothership. He's going into the fucking private sector. We're going to miss him. We want to thank him from the end. He's almost been here for the most entire run of Last Fuck Guessing Up. I'm sure we'll edit that out, but that is just fine. That is what he's supposed to do.

It's the only time. But you know, thank you Travis for all your hard work and we can't. Thanks man. We're fucking... We'll do this shit. Won't we boys? We'll keep this spaceship worth going until we're all dead or our Stitcher contract runs out.

Alright, fantastic. Feel free if you're an alien, come down here and give me a milk. Come on, give me some milk. I love milk. I'm actually... I don't. I'm lactose intolerant. Yeah, why are you doing this?

Why are you even asking for milk? Well... Alright everyone, thank you all so much for listening. I hope everyone is doing alright out there. Stay safe. Alright everyone, hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Hail again.

Magustalations everybody. Hey, how about you try to have a happy new year? Just try it. Yeah, whatever. Try it. Just have fun with it. Put a fucking smile on your face. Smile.

Inside your own home. Learn how to master it. Wear a wedding gown. Or gown. Dress up. Even if you're alone. We can put on our wedding stuff tomorrow. That'd be fun.

Yeah, like a Beetlejuice. And you can play like corpses. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.