Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 49: Haunted House Adventure

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

The boys go over the top five haunted houses in the world and take a trip to the famed Killers haunted house in New York City!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? I actually do love doing this in the morning. Yeah, it is great in the morning. I don't know why. Why is that? It makes a great Tuesday for me. I know that much. Yeah, it makes my day smile. Make your day smile. Are we good? Yeah. Alright, that's Mark as I've been. And then of course, who do we have over here in the corner? He's creepy and weird.

I'm not gonna make things so complicated. I'm still all the way out. I'm lying to somebody else. It's mess. I'm relevant. I'm relevant and I love ghosts and I love scantings. But last time, yes, I love... Thanks for being here, April. I'm not... I'm not enjoying this in the least bit. You don't like that character? I'm fairly certain. Someone is now married to that. You have to register as a pedophile now. You definitely have to because that was disgusting and disturbing.

She just nailed it on the head. Absolutely. I remember when I was fat and alone and I always thought about it. But you remember four seconds ago and two seconds before that? But now I'm fat and I've used my mental cunning to trick people into loving me. Alright, well speaking of tricks and things that absolutely... No more Avril Lavigne. That's a rule. No more Avril Lavigne. But I thought there was no rules.

But there is one now. That is no Avril Lavigne. Alright. I think that's a pretty reasonable rule. The one thing we know about Henry Zabrowski is that he's pretty unpredictable. Alright. So today, let's just jump right to it. We're gonna go to a haunted house. We're traveling to the Killers in New York City. It's gonna be pretty great. So we figured we'd give you guys a little bit of information on haunted houses

throughout the history of America. I'm just gonna go ahead and say that haunted houses is my favorite... It's my favorite horror movie genre. It's my favorite type. Yes. I love haunted house stories. I'm so excited because we're gonna get so scared and they're gonna jump out at us. I'm gonna fucking deck one of those facts. Don't fucking... It's not really Dahmer, man.

They're gonna come at me. These serial killers are gonna come at me. I'm gonna just... Boom! Boom! One shot! You can't knock out the... Did I break the feed? Avril Lavigne's ghost is now haunting this podcast. No, no, no, no! And do not punch the actors.

I'm gonna grab him by his pants and give him a wedge him and push him down and be like, you like it? You like it? You're nerd? There's no way in hell you'd be able to do that. We'll see. Anyway, so we got some information on haunted houses past. Henry, what do you do want to start it off? Ooh, haunted houses! Do we want to go through the top five?

Yeah, sure. Look at the fun little, like, listy thing of the top five most haunted locations in the world. And they're fun. Yeah, I love it. I will say this also. If you live in a haunted house, I did a little research. By law, you're forced to... There was a cake course. In New York, in 1991, they said that if you have a haunted house or if you have extraterrestrial or paranormal...

Yeah, and if murders happen in your house. If murders, you must tell the folks that you're trying to sell it to them. I'm saying, I'm looking for an apartment and it is a plus for me. Yeah, you'll double the price. Seriously, if you got a house that is riddled with ghosts, tell me about it, I want to rent it from you. I want to live with the ghosts. I'm beyond with you on that. As a matter of fact, before the podcast, we were discussing the Amityville Horror House went up for sale

but then we found out it was just the fucking movie house. And not the real death house. So fuck it. Get it out of here. Yeah, there's no ghosts there. It's just quinoa crumbs and actor flakes. Well, there's more ghosts at the... Yeah, there's probably more ghosts there given the careers of the people who acted in that first movie. You got them. Yeah. No, it was Josh Brolin. He was very famous.

But the woman didn't make it. No, she died. Yeah, ripped apart by dogs. That's the worst way for an actress to die. Yeah, that's how the Weinsteins kill an actress. Markets it. Stuff it with sausage. Shick the dog's eye. All right, number five in the list is the Dean House.

Oh, yeah. In Alberta, Canada. Yeah, it's by the sausage people. Jimmy Dean. Is that so? No. No, it's not. He had me. Lots of pig ghosts.

Yeah. Well, it was a mobile house. They moved it quite a few times. And then in 1933, or in 1929, it finally came to rest in Alberta, Canada. And in 1933, in the first instance of something violent happening there, a 14-year-old boy suffering from epilepsy took his own life in the house's attic. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

In a mobile house, it had an attic. Well, I mean, you were able to move houses. Back in the day, there was a lot more common back in the day. You would just take your house and put it on a truck. I don't know if you've ever seen that on the highway. In the whole house being moved, it's the same thing. And they used to do it all the time. Especially because this Dean family was very important.

I forgot what they were. They were just socialites. I think so. Something along that. And their house was a testament to their family name. It's like humans living like a turtle. You got to leave your house when you leave. You can't take it with you.

That's the name of a play. Humans living like a turtle? Yes. That's really sad. Well, perhaps the most shocking event in the history of the Dean house was the 1952 murder of Irma Umperville. Good 1952 name though. By her husband, Roderick.

Yeah, Roderick fucking beat the shit out of Irma. Stabbed and strangled his wife in front of their two children before killing himself in one of the home's apartments. Roderick, you're always late. You never come home when you say you're going to come home. Irma, Irma. And to this day, it's the sound of clattering TV dinners. I say, ruins the sleep.

To this day, it is the sound of unexplained laughter that haunts the house. I also imagine that my neighbors complain of the same exact thing from my house. I feel that I was like watching Halloween 2 yesterday. And every single time, it was when the stripper was getting smashed against the mirror. So they just heard really guttural screams.

And me just going like, yeah, get her, get her. I was literally screaming, get her. Do we call the police, Irma? No, no, no. Let him laugh. Let him laugh. It's better if he laughs at it and then he doesn't do it. Let him just enjoy it.

So does this place still exist? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now to museum. Number four is the Velasca Axe Murder House. What happened there? And you know when a house is called the Velasca Axe Murder House? It's haunted.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. On the evening of June 9th, 1912, Josiah Moore, his wife, Sarah, and their four children left their home to attend a function at a local Presbyterian church. The family had also invited Lena and Ina Stillinger, friends of the more family children, to spend the night. Who's naming these people?

This is the 1900s. White people were rampant with the names. They were going crazy. They were just making names up, doing stuff. Lena and Irma. This is my daughter. She's special needs. No, she's just special time.

No, she's just Danish. After the family and their guests returned home and turned in for the night, an intruder, or perhaps a group of them, entered the house and used Josiah Moore's axe to crush the skulls of every person in the house while they slept. The next morning, a neighbor noticed that the Moore residents

was suspiciously quiet. Because normally it's just like... Hey, Maria! You make a sausage! But there was none of that that morning. No trumpet this morning. Very interesting. Did they just get murdered by an axe killer? Well, numerous psychics have studied the house

and declared the property haunted by the victims of the murder. I declare those ghosts to be riddled with ghosts. And strange phenomena like falling lamps, flying objects, and mysterious voices are supposedly common. Oh, where is this again? Uh, it doesn't say... Wait a minute, let me look, let me look.

Doesn't say. Dammit. We gotta go to these places. Last night I was craving. I want to see a ghost. Massachusetts. Oh, we can go to that one. Fall River, Massachusetts.

And what's the name of that one again? The Velasca Axe Murder House. Velasca Axe Murder House. I gotta start... I gotta keep a journal with wherever I go, a list of haunted places to go to while I'm there. Definitely.

You'll be able to find one in every setting. I'm gonna see a ghost. Wherever a murder is, there is a haunted. What do we got for number three, Mr. Purse? Number three is the Monte Cristo Homestead. Yeah, and that involved various turkey, ham, Swiss sandwiches, deeply fried, covered in a jelly. Yeah, that's the thing.

Floating through, giving all who enter a heart attack. Mm-hmm. Do you smell baking butter? Oh, that's just the ghost. It was built in 1884 and all was well until servants dropped the owner's infant daughter down the stairs and the servants claimed they were pushed by an unseen force. Ghost murder.

Racism. Yeah. That's really what's so sad about it. In 1910, Christopher William Crawley, the head of the Crawley household, died of heart failure. His passing marked a change in his wife, Elizabeth Crawley. She became... She was just free and living the dreams that she always knew.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, they called her the formal on her and she changed her name to Tits Out. Tits Out Crawley. Oh, yeah, the old tassel girl. She became extremely reclusive over the next two decades of her life and, according to some, extremely cruel. Several tragic deaths took place at the household while Elizabeth lived there. A pregnant servant fell to her death from a balcony.

I just think this woman hates babies. And another servant, this time a young boy, was burned to death. Yeah. After Elizabeth died, the house fell into disrepair and suffered at the hands of looters and vandals before Reginald Ryan, a local man, purchased it in 1963. He and his wife...

I can't hear me anymore. I dropped the feed. I lost the feed. Am I back in? Am I back in? I don't know, are you? I can't hear. We've never had problems before

until you started singing that goddamn Avril Lavigne song. No, no! He, Reginald, and his wife, Olive, immediately knew their home was haunted, lights acted strangely, and the couple could feel the presence of ghosts in eerily cold spots throughout the property. Psychics were invited to the home

and reported strong paranormal activity as well, raising suspicions that the house held terrible secrets in its walls. Today, visitors contest those claims themselves by taking a tour of the property and its grounds. And a ghost-smelling, ghost-smelling package. Come smell the ghosts. This one is in Australia. Oh, cool.

I love this. I want to see a haunted house. I know it. I'm going to kill somebody in my house just to make it haunted. Yeah. Well, our big haunted house back home was the house that was across the street

from the Children's Cemetery. Yeah, of course. We could, speaking of children's cemeteries and children's places of demise, we could go to Cropsey. Yeah, we could definitely go to Cropsey. You just got to go find all the stuff in there and it's Staten Island.

Yeah. The whole place is haunted. The building there is just track suits and fucking pizzas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's hard to find ghosts. Do you hear the jiggling of gold chains? Oh, no.

That's just the wasp behind us. Creepiest thing we ever found in the haunted house. A friend of mine found a cassette tape. Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you guys about this. Yeah, and he played it,

and it was just an old man reciting, Mary had a little lamb. Cool. Someone just did that, though. Yeah. Someone did that for artistic merit. Next up is the LaLaurie house. Now, this is the house that Nick Cage bought.

He owns and lives in this house. Is this in New Orleans? Yes. Okay. It's a great story. I actually was really sad. This needs to be made a movie. Mm-hmm.

I love the story of this house. It was bought in 1831 by a beautiful socialite by the name of Madame LaLaurie. Yeah. And purchased with the house, as she purchased the house with her third husband, Dr. Louis LaLaurie. See, these are good names.

That wasn't from France. Yeah. That's true. Like many of the wealthiest members of society, Madame LaLaurie owns slaves. By law, slave owners were expected to keep slaves well fed, closed, and cared for, but a series of incidents.

Like dogs. Like dogs, exactly. Like what you're supposed to do with a dog. Yeah. But series of incidents made some of LaLaurie's peers think the socialite was at best, neglecting those duties and possibly much worse. The suspicions were confirmed when a neighbor saw LaLaurie

chase a child of a slave through the courtyard, into the house, onto the roof. Moments later, the child had fallen to her death. She's just playing baby for his beat. Yeah, I've heard of that game. It's a fun game. Could you just pick up a baby by the feet? It's so easy.

If you just take a baby by the feet, you can just throw it. And that's actually how a lot of doctors identify who the mother is. If you throw the baby and it comes back to you, that was your baby. But if it just lands and it dies, it doesn't matter.

It wasn't yours anyway. It's called the boomerang theory. I've heard that. Yeah. LaLaurie was fined and forced to sell her slaves, but relatives purchased them, but relatives purchased her slaves. But relatives purchased them

and immediately sold them back to her. Oh, nice. That's what happened with her stock market, too. And going back to our boomerang theory, that's sort of sad. Yeah. Although her reputation suffered because of the incident, she remained a popular figure in town until a fire

set by one of LaLaurie's slaves brought the attention of the entire community to LaLaurie's house. As the fire burned, several people broke down the door to the slave quarters, and they pulled seven severely maltreated and malnourished slaves down the building. Free slaves!

Free slaves! Oh, my God! Free slaves! Free slaves! There's a little damage. There's a little bit. We're having a fire sale! A fire sale!

A little smoke damage to their lawn, but for the most part, still good slaves. The place is burning down. We're looting the slaves. Yeah. Well, two of those died from their mistreatment. Two others were found buried on the premises. The citizens of New Orleans, disgusted and furious

with LaLaurie, chased her out of town, looted her possessions, and nearly destroyed the house. Madame LaLaurie herself, having fled to Paris, was never brought to justice for her crimes. The house itself was later remodeled. It contained little of its original layout. It's supposed to be the most haunted house in America. Yeah.

Now, does Nick Cage live there as a permanent residence? Yes, that's his house. Okay, that's so fucking great. Nick Cage is amazing! But this is also the same place where he was in New Orleans and... Beat his wife. Beat his wife, because she was trying to tell him

they were going to the wrong house, because they were, and he was outside the wrong house, banging and screaming. Can you imagine if face-off, fucking Nick Cage, is outside your house? He goes, bang, and then we're going like, let me in. Let me into your house.

I think you have to, like, give him your house. I mean, just have some respect for the man. Let him into your house. Let him into your home. He's Nick Cage. And realize it's not his house. And he'll be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about this.

Do you want some gold chains? Exactly. He's just covered in gold chains. And then you can get a gold chain from, if you get a gold chain from Nick Cage, you can make two wishes on it. Oh, so that's the thing to listen. What wishes?

If you invite Nick Cage into your home, and he gives you a gold chain. You have to invite him into your home, though. He can't actually come in. If you get the gold chain, you can make two wishes. And then the problem is that your firstborn son will turn into a bird. That's fine.

That's what's fun. That's just folklore. Right, right, right, right. That's what happened on the set of Matchstick Men. Wonderful feature. Number one on the list. Number one. The Borley Rectory.

Yeah. Oh, I love this one. Which is a good name of an album. Borley Rectory, a good name for an improv group. Also, just a good name for a sausage company. No, no. There are no good improv group names. Sure.

What about debunkable? The debunkables. Or the debunkables. Built in 1863 at the request of Reverend Henry Bull, the rectory had always provided its residents with plenty of go sightings. The source of the sightings was quickly traced back to a story of a nun and a monk who centuries ago.

A nun and a monk. A nun and a monk. A nun and a monk walk into a bar and immediately leave because they don't drink. They fell in love and attempted to elope. They were caught, however, and the monk was hanged. His would-be bride suffered an even worse fate being walled up within her convent and left to die.

I love that, though. The Borley Rectory was built on this haunted ground and its residents suffered accordingly. Eventually, a newspaper sent an investigator to dig into the story surrounding the rectory. The investigator, Harry Price, is credited today as being one of the first ghost hunters for the his use of cameras, fingerprinting kits,

and other measuring equipment. Again, a very good movie plot. Yeah. Awesome. I just... Don't take that one. Anybody who's listening to this, don't take that one. I'm gonna do that one.

I'm gonna do that one. I hear this one. I claim it. Copyright. TM. I just feel really sad that it's like the greatest love story I've ever heard of a nun and a monk and that it ends with a dude getting hung in a chicken

and you fall down. They're so fucking gross. The nun and the monk were both absolutely disgusting. They were sucking all over each other. Yeah, but it was gross. It's gross. If you're a nun, you have to be ugly. If you're a monk, you're fucked up.

I think it led to an extra strong haunting. The fact that they were in love created a more strong ghost. And she was fucking walled up in the wall? That rules. Yeah. I also like to do it with every nun I meet. That's how I'm gonna make my house haunted. I'm gonna take some nun and I'm gonna put her in concrete.

The old Zebrowski nun house. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think your landlord's gonna allow you to do that. Oh, come on. I'll tell him it's gonna make... We got tourism. I remember when I went over to your house and we had to smoke weed in the bathroom.

It's true. My landlord smells the weed smoke and sends me emails and he's like, smoking of any kind isn't permitted. Never said anything about killing nuns and putting them in your floorboards. No, he didn't. And I don't currently have a lease. So that's fine. Well, psychics were brought in to try to communicate with the spirits

and one of them said that the rectory would burn to the ground and in the rubble, the remains of the nun would be found. Within a year, that exact thing happened. Fuck yeah. Isn't that something? Rock and roll! Yeah! And the nurse was found with two rock and roll signs up,

you know, with a fucking maiden shirt on. In kiss makeup? Yeah. Weird. Cool. That's a cool nun. And the rectory burned to the ground. Hell yeah.

Another church done with it. And the nun was given a Christian burial. Very nice. That's nice. That's nice. That's going to really take away the fact she was terribly murdered. I'm sure she's happy about it. It doesn't, though.

No, she's still sad. No, not in the least bit. Definitely not. Henry, you've got some information on that. Oh, do you actually want to go to talk about the H.H. Holmes house and then we'll kind of talk about ghosts and general? Well, we can talk about the H.H. Holmes house. Basically, it's just the greatest horror house of all time.

This is like the idea of every single haunted house that you're going to go to is based off this guy's place. We've talked about him a million times. Of course. We love him. Yeah. We love his energy. We love his work ethic and what he's done.

Yeah. And his ingenuity. Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah. So it just took place during the first World's Fair, which was, like, what, 1890, something like that. Somewhere all the time.

Somewhere all the time. In 33 rooms. And basically, he would just hire contractors. They would come over, build a room. He'd fucking, you know, either kill them or just, like, you know, make them quit. He would be like, you did a terrible job building my horror room. He would fire them. So no one knew what the house was like.

And basically, he just killed, they have confirmed 27, but the forensics were so bad that there's, it was probably hundreds. Yeah. Because it was the beginning of forensics. Yeah. They would go over there and he would mash up the bones to such a degree that people couldn't tell if they were human or animal. So they just wouldn't, because he also had, you know, the lime pits and then he just had

straight up infernos. And he was sprinkling, you know, bone dust over his spaghetti like it was Parmesan cheese. Of course. That was really, that was really hard. He loves Parmesan cheese. It's so crunchy and weird. He would also, he would also strip all the flesh off of the bones and sell the skeletons to local medicals. That's where he made a lot of his money.

Yeah. And who knows how many people he killed before he even opened the murder house. He was in his 40s by the time that happened. Can you imagine owning one of those skeletons? I love it. I'm sure that they're still around at universities, definitely right now. Yeah. No one asked any questions where all these goddamn skeletons were coming from.

They were just loving the business. People were real loose with human bodies back in the day. They really were. Well, that was, it was also the beginning of a lot of like pathology work. And so medical schools were desperate for cadavers. Oh yeah. In fact, grave robbing, a lot of the grave robbing laws came about because medical students were raiding graveyards every night to try to get bodies to work on.

And criminals found out that they could sell these bodies to medical schools for a hefty sum. Yeah. And doctors were just sold. I like that old timey money. Yeah. Hefty sum. Freakin'.

Yes. It's two giant blocks of wood. That is a hefty amount. Doctors also used to just cut the tops of people's heads off and stick sticks into their brains and stuff like that. They were very, very, very young. You know, it was just, it was a work in progress. It was a trial and error.

Thank you, America. It was. And really, H.H. Holmes and his friend Benjamin Pitzel, they were both together, so he was really big. Did they fuck? I don't know if they ever banged. He was really surprised if H.H. Holmes was a raging homosexual, though. It's very possible.

I just think they fuck everything. So anyway, he ended up- I think they're very Danish. That seems like how serial killers are. They seem very polysexual. Yeah. They stick their dick in really- Really groovy, yeah.

Groovy, man. Groovy. Cool. Whatever. Play it as it lays. Love the one you in. So basically, we just have a lot of guests in there, and then we'd lock the doors behind them, and he would infixiate them with the gas in the room, which is like super cool.

Yeah. So they were just looking for these people because they just went to Chicago for the World's Fair, and then they just never went back to New York. A lot of them were young women. Because this was the beginning of urbanization, where people from all over America were traveling- Going to cities, yeah. Yeah, they were going into cities, so these girls would go into the city. I'm going to be the man of my dreams.

Yeah. They wouldn't let their families know where they were staying or where they were, so these young girls would show up to H.H. Holmes. In fact, they used to put out ads in the classifieds. The newspapers would put ads next to it, being like, be careful. Women are disappearing. Yeah. Know who you're staying with.

Know who you're working for. I mean, while you see a big, fancy ad next to it, it's like, come see my many rooms. H.H. Holmes. Yeah. Rooms of fantasy. Always open. Always vacancy. Searching for a husband, searching for a wife.

Come see H.H. Holmes. If we don't have- Rooms of enjoyment. If we don't have a vacancy, we'll make one for you within the hour. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So the place had 33 rooms, two giant furnaces, pits of acid, bottles of various poisons everywhere, and it apparently had some good medieval torture things as well, so just

stretching rack. Yeah, stretching rack. I'm getting one of those. I'm getting one of those. My back is killing me. I would love to just constantly sleep in an Iron Maiden, just like, dull the fucking points and just like, wake up every morning. Just get real used to it.

Yeah. You're just like, fine with it. I could see you sleeping in an Iron Maiden. It'd be awesome. Don't wake me. It'd be custom made. It'd have to be an extra, extra large one. Yeah.

So, back in the day, people were smaller. I wonder, I mean, that's the thing. I could do whatever I want back. What are you going to put me on the rack? I'm already six foot seven. You fucking hate me. You can't hit me. Yeah, and they'll be like, he's a giant.

Yeah. He's the titan from days of old. You can get the same effect if you just go to China. Yeah. Right. I can't wait to go to China. They'll be, oh, he's so big. Oh, never let him in your house.

He take out the same thing. So, I think you get our H.H. Holmes, the first horror house of all time. Yes. And then it burnt to the ground, and we actually, it's not haunted. There's not really any, no, not really. Another horror house that we had that also is missing, this was one that happened. This was a frontier haunted house.

This was in Kansas in the 1800s, late 1800s post civil war. And it was this family known as the Bloody Benders. Oh, I love this. Yes. Bloody Benders were great. They ran a hotel a month, like it was more of an inn on a dusty trail out west, and people were starting to disappear on this trail, and they started to look into it. And the Benders knew that people were kind of onto them.

They kind of hurried around town, so they escaped. And when authorities finally went to the house, they found a trap door in which what the Benders would do, they'd sit people down for dinner, and they would, in the middle of dinner, someone would go up behind them and smash them in the head with a hammer. And then open the trap door, and down there, there would be someone waiting, and they'd slit their throat. Do you mean there's no beanbag chair and flat screen down there? See, that's what I'm going to do in my house.

I'm going to have a flat screen, I'm going to have a trap door in the dining room table that just shoots me down to my beanbag chair, where I got a milkshake machine, and I got a fucking Blu-ray player, and aw man, I'm going to do it different and better than they did. Coolest thing that I think about this one is that they found bullet holes in the ceiling, in the walls, meaning that they would go down, and then these dudes would pull their guns, trying to stop them, and then they would just like, slice his throat. Yeah, I love it.

Well, they were German. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they moved the house because they opened up the trap door, was nailed shut, they opened up the trap door, and they thought the bodies would be buried down there, so they moved the entire house, and they found 17 bodies in the garden outside, and the house was dismantled by souvenir hunters. So there are pieces of this house out there right now, passed down through the generations.

We have to talk about it, not right now, because we don't have enough time, but the story of Fred and Rosemary West is fucking awesome too, haunted house, they just, as a couple, they just murdered tons and tons of women together, they killed their own daughters. The English couple, these guys are fucking awesome. It's so fucked up. I mean, they're terrible. Yeah, I mean, not awesome as in, you know, we all know. They filled me with awe.

The big thing is again, it's like when you're searching for someone to love, someone you can just spend your life with, you want to go, you want to be heading the same direction, you know what I mean? You want to have the same interest, the same core. It's the term, you know, morals. Yeah, but there's no, same moral code. Yeah, there's no loyalty among murderers though, because the wife eventually rolled over on the husband.

So hot. Well, she was forced to, but yeah. Okay, so just real quick. So what they would, they would strip the girls, they would torture them with, they would bound them with tape and then they just tortured them and abused them. He would fuck them in front of her and shit like that. Yeah, she was sitting there playing the tambourine going, I love it, I love it. When you do it, let's say age of Aquarius, their daughter was going to rat him out and

then they killed the daughter. Yeah. Really awesome. So awesome. I mean, they don't know exactly how many, but it's a lot. Yeah, it's at least a baker's dozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

A killer's dozen is 22 actually. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. So what we're going to do with this episode is that we are going to take you, the listener, into the haunted house with us. You can hear our adventures in the land of horror and because you can't take a look, you should go ahead and take a listen.

Take a listen. Yeah. Here we are in the killer's haunted house in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. No! Henry, leave him alone! Stay the way you act like somebody else gets me frustrated. Slives like this, yeah. All right, stop recording that.

That's not allowed. I think we did already put an Avril Lavigne no go on this episode. Oh, that's right. I forgot. It's not allowed to sing Avril Lavigne before. I think you forgot. I think you're skirting the rules, Henry. Rules are meant to be broken.

So right now we're in the cab on the way to the haunted house. Yeah. And we've got, of course, myself, Ben Kissel and Toe, Henry Zabrowski, and my lovely girlfriend, Nikita. Can you not say hello? You don't even have your voice on there? No. Too late, baby.

That's right now, because the thing is, is that a bunch of nerds cross-reference voices, and they'll be able to find where you keep your panties, which is really hard. The thing is about our... Don't put that hard to find them. They're on Marcus. Marcus squares from every day. I think I see a couple sticking out of his coat pocket. I'm going to punch Ted Bundy in the face tonight.

I'm going to get him by his jacket. I'm going to pull him down in the street. Show them all. He don't kill all people. I kill people. You know, like real world laws apply, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. This is a horror fantasy.

Oh, okay. Ben, who do you want to punch in the stomach? I don't want to punch anyone in the stomach. I just want to hug Jeffrey Dahmer and tell him I love him. I'm most excited to see my idols. I just want to kiss him, ask him, you know, how did he kill all the Thai boys? You know, and be like, did he make any actual zombies? I think the answer to that is one and no.

Yes. Yeah. He actually never made it. He never made it. He never made it zombie. Well, we don't know that. No, we do know that, because there was just no way for it to happen. Do you think he'll have any of those guys hanging out in front?

What guy? Oh, the scary guy? Definitely. They should, if it's a worthy haunted house, that's for sure. Now, this is probably not going to be allowed inside. Oh, no, this is going to be a covert operation without a doubt. Very much so. Yeah.

So I apologize in advance if there are any sound discrepancies, but I will not be able to wear my headphones, my monitoring headphones, that I usually wear during field recordings. So the sound might be a little bit off, but I think it'll be okay. The one thing that we're sure to pick up is me dragging Ted Bundy down into the street while I beat him with my hands. I just can't wait for you to get beat up by the actor playing Ted Bundy. I think we could probably find our way from here. Yeah, I think so, yeah.

How much is it? Roll number three. Repeat roll number three for us, Henry. Do not be a jackass. You are not funny. Trust us, the people you're with are not entertained. But actually, I mean, we are, we are funny. We're extremely entertaining.

I understand, you're an exceptional person. Last time I went to one of these things, it was just me and my father, and no one would approach us because my dad grabbed a dude by his shirt who tried to drunk him. I mean, I guess they were all like, they radio around so everyone knows what's up. So everyone left us alone for the rest of the time. So it was kind of lonely and sad. You've been on my life, life, life, life, life, life. You got it?

Yeah. How do you do? You got it? Good. Good. We're together. Man, this room is really scary. It's in dark corner.

It's like we're in a garbage bag, this is one piece of copperware. Backs against the wall, backs against the wall. You don't wear foam instructions, everyone turn around face to wall. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Turn around face to wall. Turn around and face to wall. Start.

Oh yeah. Holy Lord. That is a game that we're rigging at. We're in an X. Raise your hand. Watch your fingers. Oh my God, I don't want to do it now. Can I go back?

You should not be a gap. You should be touching someone's shoulder. You should be touching another shoulder. I don't want to do it now. I don't want to do it now. That better be you fumbling my ass. Yeah, that's me. This is what I want my house to look like.

I know me too. This guy's scary as fuck. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. I would like you to give my love to my family and friends.

I would like you to give my love to my family and friends. I would like you to give my love to my family and friends. I would like you to give my love to my family and friends. I would like you to give my love to my family and friends. I would like you to give my love to my family and friends. We're walking after midnight just like we used to do, and I go walking after midnight searching for you. I think she ran away from you because she was scared of you. Alright, so no introductions because this is just the tail end, right?

Yeah, yeah. We do a different day and a different thing, but let's act like we did it all at once. Yeah! The killers! We literally just got back from the killer's haunted house not three minutes ago. That's right. And we're doing the wrap up now. I'm so scared still.

I don't know man, crazy times over there, very militant group yelling at you, making you get against the wall, put your face against it. I tell you what, I got a little hard. Did you actually? During that thing I was like, maybe I want to be a slave. I'm sure you would do great. Maybe what I was meant to be was one of those guys in the big zip mask, like a gimp. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do. Have you ever been-

I mean like as a hobby, sure. No, I mean as a job. Well I don't know how you're going to get a job doing it. Because I'll be the fucking best. Doesn't pay very well. Listen, 110% I give to this podcast, 110% I give to my acting career, 110% I give to cooking different fish meals in order to lose weight. I can give 100, I can give 110% to being a gimp. Yeah, that lasts what I'm not too sure about.

110% I give every single day. I feel like you just eat too much. Six days a week, except for one day a week where I just fucking don't try. Yeah. That's right. That's a big, that's my favorite day. Yeah, those are my Fridays. Oh yeah, that's my, today's your Friday.

I mean Friday's my Sundays. You just told me that today's your Friday. Well my Fridays are my Sundays. So are you giving 110% today? No, no, no, no. Stop conversation. Holy fucking Jesus. I did not wake up with explosive diarrhea to deal with this today.

I did. But yeah, overall the killer's very, very scary. We were all little gimps for these very sad actors. The thing is that I got chosen to do all the fun quote unquote special things. It was very interesting to see just how life works. They chose Henry for all, all sort of, all different forms of victimization. But every single time it was like, oh, Ted Bunny's going to love you. Oh, John Wayne Gates is going to love you.

You were called cute multiple times by a whole series of different disgusting chubby men's. Because I am. You are. 110% I give to being cute every day. I know it. I did not work out in your favor whenever we wanted to rape you at this haunted house. You know, you've always told me about like you getting like bullied and singled out for shit. And like when the, when the teenagers made you do the Chris Farley impersonation before

they let you on the train. Yeah. Now that I'm like, yeah, it sounds like a little, that sounds a little like maybe he's exaggerating that, but no, the whole time. Yeah. I'm cast for everything. I'm castable. I got the X factor.

You are castable. And for those that don't know, Marcus alluded to a wonderful story that Henry told us the other day. Henry was on the subway surrounded by a gang of black youths. And they thought, you look like Chris Farley, they said. And in order to get off of the train, what did you do? They surrounded me and they said they wouldn't let me leave the train until I did a Chris Farley impression. And I was just like, don't make me do this. And they're like, you ain't getting off this motherfucking train unless you do a goddamn Chris Farley impression.

I love those guys. And I destroyed it. Yeah. I'm sure you did. I fucking rocked it. I literally got the whole train. I got the whole thing going. You're a star.

Because I'm a fucking, I got the X factor. I mean, they would have beaten me to nearly to death if I hadn't done it. What did you do? Oh, I did the Matt Bowie. I did Matt Bowie. No, I did Matt. I did it. I was like, I'm living in van down by the river.

Yeah. Don't make me. I don't want to do it here. No, don't do it. We're not making you do it. You can leave the room whenever you want. I've already had it run from the shadow of that ghost. All right.

I was really, really. I'm just fat. I'm just fat. We're different. You're cute. You're surprisingly small. When we, when we meet our fans in real life, they're all going to be astonished at how actually tiny you are. Because I'm like, I'm like a miniature version of a fat person.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like a fat person toy. Yeah. Like those Russian dolls. Like you're the third Russian doll. Yeah.

Very, yeah. When you get to the real good dolls, you mean? Yeah. The dolls you want to fuck. The dolls you want to fuck. The dolls that you're wondering what his deal is. Actors tend to be around 65% of the size of the person they're portraying. Yeah.

You got to because cameras, cameras are fitted with magnifying lenses make you bigger. That's right. I'm not sure if that's true or not. It might be. Well, the camera adds 10 pounds. Yeah. To your cock and balls. So anyway, do we want to go into any detail about the killers?

What was your favorite killer that you saw? We saw John Wayne Gacy. We saw Jeffrey Dahmer. Ed Gean was your favorite. It was Slyly Cast. Yeah. It was Slyly Cast. I think you're kidding.

Yeah, you're kidding. Both of that, right off the posters, guys. We went to this thing. Can we come up with some better words, please? Ed Gean was great. Ed Gean was amazing. And then John Wayne Gacy took me, put me in a crawl space. This is where they really fucked up.

Yeah, they chose me. They like petted my face. They put me in a crawl space and then that leads out to the other thing, to this side area. And it says, wait on the wall. And then I'm sitting there. A dude pops out at me and I'm just like, you scared me, bro. And then he's just like, you want to scare your friends? And I was like, yeah, fuck my friends.

Yeah, I want to kill them. And he was like, I had a weight in this other room underneath this woman's cloak. And I didn't get to tell you this. So the part of it is that you're in this room of the angel of death and she's this woman in big skirt. So I missed like four rooms. The idea was I was supposed to hook- You only missed one room.

Yeah, it's something like that. But I hooked up with another group and not our group because they fucked up the timing. But I'm sitting underneath this woman's skirt and my head is on her pussy. And how was her pussy? I set up in it and closed and then I was just like, she closed it and then I just like lean back. I felt my head rest on her vagina lips. And then I was like, hey, sorry about leading my head on your vagina. And then she looked down and like stayed in character, like looking at the angel of death.

And I was like, my head's on your vagina. Angel of death, very cool room, full of fog and smoke and all that shit. Yeah, blue lights. It was really fucking, or black lights, I guess. But yeah, it was really fucking cool. And I would say the worst room probably, I'm going to go with Dexter or unfortunately they sort of butchered Albert Fish. Yeah, but Albert Fish was really bad.

But that's okay. Well, it was an intro. We did a creepier thing for Albert Fish that they did. They just read the same letter that we had read on the podcast and then they had the mother of the daughter that he killed and she was sad. Yeah. My babies died. My babies. These are all real people.

We're in a haunted house. We're here to watch your babies die. Yeah, I'm happy your baby is dead. We are not the audience for haunted houses. That's why I was just talking with Marcus as we were walking up. It's like we are just not the demographic because like we should go for free killers, which we are promoting on our podcast, which we just found out has bigger numbers than we thought it did. Yeah, we're dominated.

You should give us our money back for the tickets that we purchased. Yeah, I will say overpriced at $50. Oh, quite. Yeah. Oh, quite overpriced. But we but yeah, we're just it's hard to because we're just sitting there. We're not screaming. We're going like, oh, well, I mean, you can hear on the recording the maniac.

I apologize for my maniacal psychotic laughter throughout. It was it was kind of creepy. Upon listening the second time through. I love it though. Yeah. I loved. I loved. I was having a great time.

I laughed my ass off and had a fucking great time the entire entire way through. And at the end, as you heard, I got to say the prayer at Ed Gean's family dinner. And a wonderful prayer was I was too busy taking care of his girl from the whole time after the what was it? Jack the Ripper really groped her. Jack the Ripper did kind of rape my girlfriend. Did he touch her breasts? He rubbed up against them. Yeah.

Pretty pretty. Yeah. Jack the Ripper, huh? Yeah. What I'm doing next year for Halloween. And then this morning we woke up and it was one of those things where like, you know when someone like bullies you and you end like a day later, you have like the perfect response to it.

It was like that. And we woke up. Screw you, Jack the Ripper. What was that like? Get off of my wife. What? What do you mean, wife? I'm your girlfriend.

Nicky, I want to ask you this a long time. Jack, do you have the ring? Yes, I do. I mean, while you're still grabbing on like fiercely under her tits. That is actually one of the most romantic ways I've ever heard of someone proposing to somebody else. Yes, it really is. And Nicky would really appreciate that. Oh God.

Well, I got to stop saying her name, right? No, no, no. I say her name on the podcast all the time. They call her Fat on Top At. I remember that. She got you and some hot water. Please, that got me in a lot of hot water. Because she's not remotely fat.

She's beautiful. Yeah. You were wrong about that. Yeah, I didn't say it. But no, you were a bit thought that she got freaked out last night, slept better than she has in weeks. That's what she said. I had no idea.

Yeah, I told you she was fine. She loved it, man. Okay, that's good. Yeah. Also, a wonderful exhibit was the Jeffrey Dahmer exhibit. That was inventive. I liked that a lot. That was just great theater.

Yeah. That was very good theater. That was Jeffrey Dahmer. He was sitting on his trial, sitting on the, what was it? It's the witness stand. Yeah. He's given his final speech. Which is word for word, his actual statement.

Which was a very powerful statement. And then another Dahmer comes in and does some crazy stuff with a Dahmer on Dahmer crime. Dahmer on Dahmer. And that's really what's so sad about it. Yeah. And I thought really, when you first walk in, there's just a Hispanic failure screaming at you. And I thought it was really interesting the way they just kind of beat you down and made

you completely submit to the process. It was a little bit, I was a little bit shell shocked in the beginning. Yeah. You walk through the doors, you're like, 50 bucks, we're going to have a good time. I'm a fucking asshole. And immediately, immediately screamed at and forced to stand against the wall. See, I need that for theater. Yeah.

I need to be ordered. Do you think they should start like Les Mis like that? Yeah. The Lion King. Yeah. You paid $300 for these goddamn tickets. Fuck it. Sit down.

Sit down. Oh, let me see a pussy. Oh, don't smell enough. Go to the bathroom. Make it stink. It's weird. There was a lot of great ways. A lot of ways change.

There were a lot of like great tiny little touches too. Like in the John Wayne Gacy room, there was a gay porn show on the TV. Really great. Like young gay porn, like teen gay porn. And John Wayne Gacy's dinner that they had, was it like Thai food and a three foot long hoagie? That man was living like a king. Yeah.

Although I would say could be a little chubbier. They got a thin, not thin, but not morbidly obese. I got to have been fatter. I need a fat gay scene. It was like a Brian Posein sized gay scene. Yes. Yeah. He was big guy.

He was big. He had really soft hands when he touched my face. Yeah, that's good. He's an actor, of course. Not me, man. I got rough hands. Like a coal miner. Let me see.

No, he doesn't. Actually, no, they're very soft. They're baby butt hands. He powders them every morning. Moisturize. Good. Good. Let's see.

Yes. Overall, a fun experience. And it was nice to be out of your element. There was one moment where you walked through. I think it was supposed to be a vagina. It was definitely a vagina. And it had to be a good 15 feet, 20 feet. And it seemed to go on forever.

Your girlfriend was having a major panic attack. And I was about to, but her panic attack helped me not have one because I didn't want to sound like a fucking bitch. And I'm walking through. Looks who got freaked out. I didn't get freaked out. I didn't get freaked out. It was pretty great.

This is one of the rooms I missed. Yeah. Just hanging out underneath this woman's skirt with my head. It sounds like you had a real vagina. Yeah. I was dealing with a real vagina. And you guys were dealing with some costumed vagina. So did you jump out and do a bunch of strangers?

Yeah. And then just kind of join them when you did that? Yeah. So I think they were like so awkward. Yeah. And I was just like, I was like, well, this is the wrong group. Yeah, I literally said I was like, and then it was just me hanging out. And then I had to yell at this weird, stupid guy who answered his phone

in the middle of Jack Ripper thing because he was being just fun. He was being fun and funny. And I told him, it was like, listen, fucker, I paid $50 for this goddamn thing. So put your fucking phone away. One of the guys in the group with you answered the phone or an actor. One of the guys in the group. Jesus Christ. Like a real wheel.

He was scared. Yeah. You can't wheel. This is the future, huh? You can't go to a fucking haunted house without someone popping on their iPhone and tweeting about it or God knows what he was doing. I'm not going to say I didn't check my email while I was waiting underneath her vagina. Because I did.

That's fine. I checked my email. That's fine. You were in, you know, you were waiting. I was corresponding. That's right. You were corresponding. You were waiting to pop out.

You got to do something, you know, pretty scary. With my hands. That's right. God knows you can't be touching this woman's legs over a vagina. No, you can't. Because they get mad. Everyone gets mad. Can't fist the angel of death.

No. God knows. Would have done it though. Showed her what the business was. You want to know what the business was? It's a fish store. It's a what? It's a fish store.

It's a fish store. That's what the business was. I don't know, man. A fish door. Is that what you call a vagina? You want to know what the business was and then I said it's a fish store. Yeah, but you know, a good one. You're calling her pussy a fish store?

No, I didn't even mean it like that. You know, a fun name for a vagina is a fish door. Fish door is fun. Yeah. All right. Well, overall, so go to Killers if you want to. Yeah, it was super sweet. Killers give us our money back.

That'd be great. I'd love that. I'm going to give it 5 out of 10 hemorrhoids. Yeah. That sounds about right. I'm going to give it 5 out of 10 hairy ball sex. Good, good. I'm going to give it 7 out of 10 bleeding gums.

All right. Okay. Which, if you guys are not aware, that all means 3 out of 5 stars. 3 out of 5 stars. So very good. Awesome, guys. All right. Well, great field trip.

I like you guys as friends and I like to take you out in the public and so we can all be seen together. I think we're getting stronger as friends and stronger as comedians and I like our energy and I like our friendship. I agree. Zip. All right. Well, we'll do the mongoose dilations.

We can't just do the mongoose dilations. We just did it. You can't just prompt us to do it. We'll do that. It's got to happen. Mongoose dilations. I guess we're just going to say it now. Okay.

Because you just said that. I take everything back. I take it back. Yeah, we're not friends anymore. What? It's over. Hail me. Ah, mongoose dilations.

Hail Satan. We'll talk to you later. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. So can I ask you, sir, how do you feel when four people get into your cab with bloody X's on their forehead? Ah, I feel excited. And why is that?

I'm starting to think of jokes. Yes. Swing the left here and then take a right on metropolitan. But you guys are way earlier. When is that the Halloween thing? Next Monday or something? Yeah, October 31st, right? Yeah, we did it.

We went to this haunted house where it was like a bunch of people like dressed as serial killers, like scared us. Okay. All right. Now, my question to you. What was the last time you were at church? Oh, no. Oh, yes.

What was the last time you were at church? Last Sunday. No, it wasn't last Sunday. Yes. I'm a full cat. I'm a full cat. No, you're willing to fool around with scary stuff and ghosts and all that stuff. How about the Holy Ghost?

I mean, go on. I understand. No, of course. Of course. I mean, it's got to be an equal time. Yeah. How about that? Actually, that is the most compelling argument I've heard for it.

It is horrific. No. A lot of death in that Christian faith, especially the cat. We're all locked up in it. I'm just afraid when I go that they won't have me back. Oh, well, that's tough. It's tough, of course. You got to go for it, man.

What? Yeah. Oh, we're fine. Yeah. Yeah, you got to go with it. Yeah, I just feel like... I'm going to go to church after that house at house. Yeah, you got to go with it.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I could go with it. As a matter of fact, we should do a field trip to a Catholic mass. There's nothing scarier than that. You just got us four beers in after being in a haunted house. This is, honestly, if you're a Christian, this is the time to convert anybody. You're going to get us right here.