Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 490: The Children of Thunder Part II - Yada Yada Yada
Episode Date: April 8, 2022On the conclusion to our Children of Thunder series, the inept cult of 3 carries out a series of some of the most foolishly executed crimes ever covered on this show, before committing the brutal, se...nseless murders that would eventually lead to their own demise.
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There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk on the left
That's when the cannibalism started
Put your hands up
Put your hands up
In everybody go ready talk in the microphone
Welcome
Everyone I am Ben hanging out with hip-hop Henry Zabrowski. Yeah, nothing cooler than that and everyone loves a Polish rapper
I mean see how good like it's kind of cold in here, and I'm wearing my boy short
I can really see the hair stick up on my knees. I love it Marcus parks is with us as well. Hello
Oh
Well, blood blood blood
This is gonna be a lot of blood in this episode and it's mostly just because what I think it's just really important for everybody
Yeah, there's this talking from one broad strokes thinker to another. Mm-hmm. I am a guy. I'm an idea man
Yeah, right. I'm not a logistics guy
Who cares about logistics?
They're the only thing just because they're the things that actually accomplish the goal that you have with your white stripes
It takes an idea to start the ship and then all of these semen
They go over it and then they direct it. I don't know what they do, but I
Absolutely, I don't know if that metaphor even works
But today's episode is all about how well you do it too. It is important to have the broad idea man
Absolutely, he said he's in he inspires people like I inspire you to he says the tone
Yes, that's the tone and then we you get somebody
Oh, you gotta get do you have to have a detail person that's the thing and today's Marcus is a kind of a detailed guy
Absolutely more type a but this episode shows how if you don't have at least one
anal retentive nerd in the group
Well, you're gonna fail. You're gonna fall. We're gonna be just fine boys my anal up and retaining everything as of late
It's been a long time since I've had a BM. Anyway, let's move on
We're talking the children of thunder
So when we last left Taylor Helzer and his two cult followers
The trio were just getting comfortable with the idea of committing violence and service of Taylor's vision because Taylor had convinced his
Brother Justin Helzer and his most ardent follower Don Godman that God was cool with murder in certain situations
You know, they really jumped so quickly into murder like the idea of like it was like the third idea that he had
He's like, you know, some people are gonna have to die for this and they're all like, yeah, yeah
Yep, why not? I went to bed and I was like, how do I feel about murder and I was like, I don't love it
But you know, I woke up today
Heart I had a dream
Murder now is that weird? Oh, it's cuz you killed a bunch of people in your dreams
I don't know man
In addition to using the Bible to justify murder Taylor also took the name for his little trifecta of weirdos
The children of thunder from the book of Mark chapter 3 verse 17 in this verse
Disciples James and John were named the sons of thunder which Taylor adapted into the gender-neutral
Children of thunder golf clap for wokeness. Wow good for him. Yes. He's a what more than a double murderer
But at least he recognized that his group is multiple different types
You're right. You're right
And they do you know that the sons of thunder is the name of the band from airheads. Oh, they're no kidding
No, I thought that that was that's they're the lone rangers. They look what that's right
Remember like how are you lone if there's three of you? Wow?
Either way
Yeah, when I'm not around you don't know the difference between fucking dandelions
You have 500 pounds of pure German and Polish meat attacking your bones. Yeah, man. We're gonna crush you
Well according to Christianity calm when we're talking about the whole sons of thunder reference James and John the disciples
They were rough hewn guys. They were so gung-ho on Jesus's message of peace
Yeah, they once asked their Lord and Savior if he wanted them to more or less burn down a village because the villagers didn't welcome
Jesus in advance. I know you're super busy Jesus, but honestly when it comes down to it
We want to do it. We love we love peace so much. We are willing to kill for it
Yeah, you not see any irony with that at all. No, no
You know the only irony I see is that if you've got 10,000 spoons, you know, all you need is a knife
That's from Alanis Morissette's bad luck
Don't
Morissette it's a fantastic song the whole point of the song is that the song is called ironic and it's not a bit
It's ironic that there's no irony in the song
Speaking of W. Oh, okay. Yes, we usually do uncle corner, but I'm happy we finally got to
On
Well, in other words James and John were the aggressive
Disciples and I don't know if they asked if they could burn down the village
They just asked Jesus like you want us to rain down the fire or heaven on these
Okay, I can't think of the I can't think of the 12 disciples wearing tap-out shirts
But these are the disciples who had no problem committing acts of violence if Jesus so wanted it and while Jesus
Never wanted violence quite the opposite. In fact, Taylor Helzer
Needed violence for his plan to work. It still wasn't really clear why though because I know that he had the plan
We're gonna get into all of this today
Taylor Helzer's murder plan is one of the single worst
Inquality murder plan I have seen in true crime. He had a he has a terrible plan
They did need murder as a matter of fact murder
Hurt the plan. They could have done a lot of extortion without the murder. The murderers would fucked it all up
I mean the murder is what warrants the name thunder. I think it was the size of one of the members
The person by the way kudos to the person who sent the the goofy brothers from always sunny in Philadelphia
I saw that and I was like it is very similar. They are very similar to the Hellzer brothers
Yeah, the McPoyles a concerning Taylor's overall plan. It was still somewhat up in the air as far as specifics went
Yes, generally Taylor believed that his self-help group transform America was gonna transform America
We're gonna transform America in a way that it is different than it was before
fantastic
And it really didn't go further than that
No, I mean I think he said I would transform America and then the second coming of Christ is somehow gonna come afterwards
But there's not a whole lot of steps mark as far as how that's gonna happen. You're missing the step
Hmm. It's yada yada yada, right?
Which is Latin for we're gonna figure this out later
No, I love it. He sounds like this is just like what I don't know if you guys heard
Roger Stone's plan to make sure that Trump is installed as the new president. This is very similar
Not plausible, but people seem to like a story no matter how dumb it is
It's with that plan to it's all like we're gonna let the fans figure it out
We're gonna let the fans do it yada yada yada
But one thing that Taylor Helter understood is that even though you may not have a solid plan you still need a solid headquarters
That's true. I don't believe in brick and mortar. I don't believe it
So they're gonna go right with they're kind of jumping a lot of steps here
That's the definite that is the defining feature of
The children of thunder is jumping the gun well even the ghostbusters they caught a ghost before they got their ghost station
They had to prove that they were you know that they warranted a statue. Actually, you're incorrect. They got the firehouse first
Yeah, they didn't actually catch the ghost the ghost screamed at them and they ran away and then they decided
Bringing back CNN's crossfire kiss. The only thing that we can do now is undermine Marcus. All right, that's a
We have to do that
So in the spring of 2000 Taylor got Justin and Dawn to rent a house for the then kingly sum of
1650 a month. Yeah, we're all three of them would live
1650 in the year 2000 was a lot of fucking cash a lot and when the landlord who thought only Justin was living there when he
Asked why the seemingly single oddball cable guide needed a three bedroom house all for himself. You just don't understand
It's leaping strong
Justin said he needed one room for sleeping one room for exercise and one room for meditation
You have to be separated because I get too excited in the exercise room in order for me to relax
I mean, I'm not backing up any of these douchebags, but it seems like the landlord can also shut up
I mean, what do you mean? Why do I need three rooms? I'm renting it
So what do we know about Justin? He eats like a dog and he's dressed like a
Bing bong version of Neo from the Matrix
Oh, he shows up and he's talking to this landlord who's looking at this guy probably like how do you even have the money to afford this and
Justin's a fucking weirdo. Yeah. He is does not he has red flags are waving for a reason. Okay
Now once the children of thunder had a compound of a sort
They began having daily meetings that started with prayers led by Taylor put your hands together
Pass the ball. Is this GDP yoga? What's going on?
Then once Taylor established himself to his followers as a man of God
It was time for some pinky in the brain style planning
See the thing to remember about the children of thunder is that their plans are all
All big picture. I mean, it really was like what are we doing today Taylor? We're gonna take over the world
transform America
Details and logistics never once crossed Taylor held sir's mind when he was coming up with the schemes to take over the world
Which is exactly why his cult never really got off the ground
He tried taking a shortcut in every way possible
The only person who's allowed to do that is I mean you have to be a Timothy Shamal Emma ding dong
You need to be born in a money. You again out of nowhere found a way to criticize Timothy Shamalite
His name for some reason which I don't know
Chon
This is your Walter from the big Lebowski moment. What does Vietnam have to do with this nothing to do with Timmy
She shamaly, you know, I guess what but you were she shamalish honestly is at least is better than Eddie Redmayne
I know who is the walking plague?
Of man, okay
Unwarranted I'm warranted in other words Taylor Helter was such a megalomaniac and on so much mess never forget
That he never stopped to question the howl of anything
Assuming that it would all work out because he was just so goddamn special
Noxious. He's such an obnoxious fuck
For example Taylor believed that Transform America would only work if he was installed head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
And one of the plans to make this happen was codenamed Brazil
This is a thing dog meat you say that he didn't work out all the details
You're gonna hear the details of this plan, and I think it's pretty rock solid. Can we buy Brazil based off of the
film, okay
Well in this scheme the children of thunder would travel down to Brazil easy Taylor
Definitely have the money mission. They definitely get of course. Yeah. Yeah, that's where Taylor had spent his Mormon mission
And then once they got down to Brazil they would adopt Brazilian orphans boom boom boom easy to do they're right there
Honestly, you just put them in a wheelchair you put a sign on them says adopted. That's legal in South America
I think that's what they did with ET
They would then bring the Brazilian orphans back to the United States and train them to be child assassins
Who would only answer to Taylor they're gonna go to Brazil and kidnap a bunch of kids bring them back here and make them
Suicide bombers adopt them and train them. That is where you are incorrect
They're coming here. You're training them because you know what you do is all of these kids Brazil
They don't they've never seen a pez before you show them what they feel like. Oh, they'll see the magic of it
They're like, oh, wow, this is incredible. What an incredible sorcery is this they're indebted to you afraid of your power
Next thing you know is you're teaching them how to like scissors and not only for making clothes for wonderful companies like Nike
They're also there to kill. Yeah, don't mind Justin eating
Everybody every every single person in the entire book every one of them says like Justin and his food
It's like hold a McNally when that's that's gonna be half of hold a McNally's eulogy. Yeah
Well ignoring such logistical roadblocks is say like language barriers
And the fact that none of the children of thunder knew anything about assassination
Taylor would then take his Brazilian child assassin cell to Salt Lake City
Where they would kidnap the 12 Apostles of the LDS church the LDS president
And his counselors that easy now. I don't dress them up as milkshakes. Yes
I went to the mall shop completely against the culture that we live in where people are snitch
You know each other whether it be Texas or here in California
But sometimes if you see something you should say something go yeah
There is three morons with a what appears to be a Brazilian group of ducklings walking through the airport
They have sniper rifles with sniper rifles
Then you might want to tell security
I love the idea of them all walking in single file Tali tied up with a rope like you see in Park slope like they have
Coming out of the kindergarten like all dressed up and like like they're climbing a mountain
They're all repelled to each other whatever the word is get a new all have guns get him used to the chain gang
Well somehow after Taylor's child assassins kidnapped the entire upper echelon of the Mormon church
Taylor was gonna convince the kidnap Mormons to call the media and say that the United States government was behind the kidnapping
For some reason or another transform America see what you want about the Mormon people. They're stringy and tight
They like to bike. They like the outdoors. I don't mess with the Mormons
They're also sober enough to be so full of frickin rage
Christians they look like Jerry Falwell. You can knock them over but Mormons
They are deceptively strong. I think I they build their own houses. They do
Well blaming the whole thing on the United States that would create chaos within the entire country
Specifically, it would cause chaos in Utah and that would give Taylor the opportunity to step in as a unifying figure
I'm gonna look at that fucking guy. Yeah, look at all of you. I'm giving you all the opportunity to gaze upon my
Incredible blazer no shirt on the reading. I have a chain on you all love it. It's opulence. You trust in me
You see my businessman like ponytail, which I have heard described as businessman like
Several times in this book, and I don't know if the man who wrote this book has ever seen a man with a ponytail
Because you really rarely see a man with a ponytail in a business setting. I'm actually gonna disagree with you
I think he sees one every day in the mirror
Very pro ponytail. Oh man those that defend the male ponytail, which it's fine. It's fine, but there are some advocates for it
Yes, yeah, well the captives would then appoint Taylor as president of Mormonism
Mm-hmm while Justin and Don would choose 12 new apostles and Bing bang boom tailors the head of the LDS church America
Transformed go to Brazil get a bunch of kids come back here go overthrow the Mormon church within Utah
Blame it on the United States government now. They're in church. That's it. Okay. Yeah, those are a lot of details
Yeah, and finally to make sure that no one talked and to ensure Taylor spot at the head of the table
The Brazilian child assassins would then slaughter the entire LDS rubber ranks and I suppose blame it on the government
Mm-hmm. Well, that's uh, that's a hell of a conclusion. I mean, it's a lot of ideas, okay? Wow
Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of details
However these plans meant nothing if the children of thunder couldn't even afford a plane ticket to Brazil. Yeah
Because remember Justin Helzer was a cable guy
Taylor Helzer was an ecstasy dealer and I'm not entirely sure what Don Godman's job was but she certainly wasn't making
Adopt a foreign child army and train them in your own home money. Yeah took a bunch of ecstasy and watched free cable
I think Don Godman was an in a supportive capacity
To the children of thunder it seems like Don Godman might have had an inheritance
There was a hint that she came from money. Yeah
But the point is that even though this idea is insanely illogical in every way possible
The children of thunder still felt like it was a good idea
They wanted the brainstorming session to be over
So if this plan was gonna go forth they needed funds which required its own set of highly illogical schemes
Their main plan for funding their ideas was to kidnap five people and steal their stock portfolio
Information which would then be placed into another person's account some sort of patsy and the money would then be funneled into
Taylor Helzer's account. I love it and we laugh at the absolutely stupid nature of this idea
Well, there is an upcoming economic collapse that they are not aware of very much so but the thing is that they will then seek to
Commit this scheme. They will start putting the steps together to do this very very bad
I know you were saying this before we recorded, but it is in fear rating to be killed by someone so stupid
You're gonna find out how also being stupid and unable to be a good murderer
Actually, sometimes makes you a more brutal murderer than if you are a trained serial if I have to be killed
Please God, I want it to be a cold assassination where the guy almost knows what to do. Thank you
Okay, but yeah, it's actually very difficult to kill a human being. It's not easy at all
Well, for some reason this idea that Taylor had
Oh, I didn't know the Ghostbusters movie he just confessed to murder
Dogme is guilty of murder
I don't mean that I know from experience from killing a person
I know from all of the stories that we've covered in our fucking journey through true crime over the last 11 years
It's because he works so hard. That's why I work too hard and he cares too much
That's how he knows how easy it is or difficult to kill a person great
Well concerning Taylor's plan to take the stock portfolio information
Move it to one person's account and then immediately move it to another person's account
He thought that this was somehow money laundering
Yeah, I don't know how and he thought that he would be free and clear of any sort of legal implications
If the money went through a single person's bank account before it went directly to his it makes absolutely no sense
And again fueled by meth and exes. Oh
Man, but wouldn't if I feel like meth is a isn't meth kind of a
Specific drug like wouldn't you bullet point out and then we take a left then we take a right with our feet
Well, we go right left. That's called walking. Yeah, we're gonna walk there like isn't meth doesn't also make you highly specific
I read a thing that was a really interesting breakdown of what a meth
What being on meth the feels like and that how you get used to it. Yeah, first
It's very a chaotic high
But actually the rest of it's like a lot of times you become a long time long time user the feeling is more of an extreme
Confidence or you have this idea like people talk about how they work on their guitar like I was reading this thing
I think was on Reddit about how like he got really good at the guitar and he spent a lot of time in it
And he got really then then it's just some point the wheels fall off
Yeah, well to make a truly clean break Taylor planned to murder all five people from whom he'd stolen the stock information
As well as the Patsy and while Taylor would kind of sort of go through with this plan with two people
Five would end up dead anyway
Including a young woman named Selena Bishop
Selena Bishop was actually the daughter of blues guitarist Elvin Bishop best known for the fantastic
Mid-70s single fooled around and fell in love Henry
This is actually what she said about Selena herself is that it kind of becomes
Reversed right because of her falling for Taylor like the song be kind of becomes it has an ominous tone
It kind of does story because the thing is that that song is actually about Selena Bishop's mother
Jenny yeah, and Selena was the product of the love affair that came from the song
But now it's all about how like she fooled around and fell in love with Taylor Helter
Oh, no bad for her and good and tragically Selena's mother Jenny would also become a victim of the children of thunder
Even though she had absolutely nothing to do with Taylor Helter or his cult
Now Selena Bishop met Taylor Helter at a rave in 1999 where Taylor was dealing ecstasy like all their romance
But Taylor wasn't going by his given name instead. He called himself Jordan using his into me see
alias and since Taylor always had plenty of money in ecstasy Selena found him mysterious and exciting
Eventually Selena and Taylor started dating and Taylor slowly introduced Selena to Justin and Don who went by the names
Jason and Sky
Just brilliant. This is a little bit of advice if somebody shows you a wad of money
Don't think they're earth. That's all the money they have
Oh, yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah before long Selena had completely fallen under Taylor spell and wrote in her journals that she was falling for the
Tall mysterious handsome ecstasy dealer. It's just I get it
I in a way I sort of understand the idea that you want a very charming man and he's handsome as well
Well, he's conventionally so at least I would put him as manic and high energy
Yeah, and it really also shows how low the bar it is for men to for a woman to fall in love with you
And then you really have to these guys like look she looked at Taylor. I can send you some internet chat rooms where there seems like
There's a lot of guys having difficulty
Selena became enraptured with both Taylor and eventually the children of thunder themselves
But unbeknownst to her she was nothing more than the sacrificial lamb that Taylor needed to work out the next phase of his
Unworkable plan or at least nothing more in Taylor's eyes because much more than just that in the planning sessions
They did talk about because immediately he's like so we got to find that person who we're gonna kill like we have to kill in the name of
God in order to spark in order to properly transform America and so
Selena didn't know she was being cased from the moment they met he was like she's the one and they all were like taking her
And you have like little dawn going like
And just me like oh, I don't know
It seems kind of pretty like which is true
They have this kind of dynamic where Justin's like, oh, she'll wish it wasn't who we had to kill because she's somebody like you know
And you're like well, I'm sorry Justin you're one member of the children of thunder sure
Yeah, no Taylor. He wasn't that simple. I don't know how many times
This is out of this is out of her purview
Well Taylor told Selena that he was about to inherit a lot of money from a great uncle
But he didn't want his ex-wife to get her hands on the cash
So using a variation on the Nigerian print scheme Taylor told Selena that he needed her to open five bank accounts to hide the money
Each account would get a deposit of a hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars and when the money eventually went to Taylor
Selena could keep five thousand dollars from each account netting her a profit of twenty five thousand dollars
For doing nothing more than going to the bank
And of course she'd be making Taylor very happy in the process which she very much wanted to do
Does Taylor realize like the bank's document all this stuff and technically he's just giving receipts to the police
Receipts would be a very they would play a very large role in the downfall of the children of thunder
Taylor did believe again and math also he believed he was the hand of God himself
Like he was really trying to swallow his own bullshit
And there was a part of him that he had that thing where he's like well, we're working under the purview of God
I'm going to replace and transform this country by the you know with with child assassins
I'm gonna do it and so God is going to protect me no matter what like it had kind of this idea of like we can operate out
Loud because when it comes down to it Jesus has got our back. It's all good
What Selena didn't know however was that each of the five accounts would be filled with the liquidated stock portfolios of five
Murder victims and once those five accounts were filled and the money was funneled to Taylor Taylor was planning on murdering Selena herself
Now once Taylor had someone that he could use to quote-unquote
Launder the money even though he didn't understand what money laundering is no
He began going through his old client list at Morgan Stanley because remember Taylor held sir was for a time a
Successful stockbroker before he became a cult leader slash ecstasy dealer. It's also so stupid
The idea that you'd go through your former client list and they would have to look through all these people
What are these people all have in common? It's like all of the things that would just point
directly
Because even after he killed five people the one common thing that they all shared would be the name Taylor held sir
Yeah, oh my god. It reminds me of that serial predator who was a stand-up comedian and all of the victims were on his tour schedule
Wow brilliant. Yeah, I suppose trying to make himself look merciful Taylor
Wanted to specifically target old people because they according to his logic had already lived a long life and their deaths could be more easily
Justified as collateral damage in service of bringing about the second coming of Jesus or whatever or whatever fucking idiot
Let's get Selena to make one fall in love with her and then you just slowly take all of their money
She's gonna get the fool around to fell in love money at some point, right?
Absolutely
You just kind of hang out and you just services woman and eat her pussy and just be a good husband
You get the run-off anyway, so much comfortable life
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So after going through his old Morgan Stanley client list
Taylor settled on an old man named Bob White for the first victim and the children of thunder began
Preparations for the extortion and murder to come
It's all fucking so stupid this this breakdown is fucking so dumb first
Justin was sent out to buy a semi-automatic pistol as well as shotgun shells and bullets for a 22 and bullets for an AK
47 even though they didn't own a shotgun a 22 or an AK 47
Yep
Don meanwhile went to Sears and bought a reciprocating saw for future disposal of the bodies remember Sears
Yeah, I do
Sears was fun
Powersaw yeah, I bought a Gameboy game last time I went to Sears, you know, and it was I think it was Super Mario Land 2
You didn't support them enough either one of you. We tried I used to go to Sears all the time
Well soon after Don bought three ski masks three pairs of water ski gloves and
Waits for a large set as well as pagers and cell phones for all of them
So they could stay in contact during each phase of their idiotic plan
They gave a lot of garbage on to Don and Don just ate it up
Then one of my favorite little details is that she brought the gloves and then they fed them
They're like these gloves are too fucking small Don
And then they had to go back to the store with Don and and return the gloves
Oh, she sat there as they fit the gloves on their hands like their OJ Simpson and Jason pennies
Oh my god
In addition each of them adopted a dog
Don got a Rottweiler and named it Jake Taylor got a Border Collie and named it Blackie and Justin got an
Australian Shepherd and called it in very just-in-fashion
Taser hey, man. Hey, you know a technically it's metal
But these dogs were not bought out of a want for companionship or even protection
Rather the children of thunder were planning to use these dogs to dispose of the bodies of their victims and
Started buying large amounts of meat and soup bones to train the dogs to eat entire human bodies whole
Guys you first of all you got to get you're thinking of pigs
Just get a thousand cats
It's all put in the cart before the horse
What are you talking about border collie? That's just maybe a Rottweiler, but a border collie is just gonna try to bring it back to life
Yeah, or an Australian shepherd. I mean they very soon discovered that the border collie in the Australian shepherd
They were not man-eaters, so they released the dogs into the country. They did however keep the Rottweiler
Yeah, they just let the dogs go on the street. I we got
Is this the preamble to homework bound? Oh my god
No, dude like three of the dogs
I had grown up were dogs that people had just dumped out into the country people do that shit all the time they go out to
The country they dump the dog near someone's house and say it's your dog now you take care of it
But that's how I got Velma and goddamn. I love that dog. Oh, yeah, but it's sad
I got to solve a lot of mysteries with Velma
No, Velma was a magic dog
She does she would jump up on the fence and she would walk on the fence use the circus dog
That's what I called her. I called her my circus dog. That's cute
But the plan for the murder and extortion
Yeah good
The plan for the murder and extortion itself was for Justin and Taylor to simply knock on the door one of Taylor's old clients and
Convince them by hook or by crook to sign their stock portfolio over to Taylor's girlfriend
Selena Bishop means no set makes no sense
Okay, and the other plan was they'd show up
They all drew they dressed in suits and they showed up with a bottle of champagne and roses
And they would they would go to one of the client let's knock on the door and say hey
One of your neighbors and I made a big money deal and I figured you were next door, so we should all celebrate together
Oh, my god
Makes no sense
Right
Then once the checks were signed and the money was safely in Selena's account
The children of thunder would kill the depositors and dispose of the bodies in such a way is to make them disappear forever
To put an extra layer of stupid on the whole scenario in the first murder
Taylor brought back his old sometime follower Debra McClanahan the Mormon witch who gave erotic massages to the Helzer brothers and
Still sometimes dropped by the house from time to time to have sex with Taylor
I think it's because he's still trying to get a hot chick back in the group
It's really like he really is missing that he's missing that vibe
He keeps looking at dawn and dawn's like
Like
For the plan murder yeah play for the audience that shows up Taylor
Well for the plan murder of former client Bob White Taylor had Debra create an alibi on the day that the murder
Extortion plan was to go into effect Debra went to the movies and bought four tickets to see the new X-Men movie
Then she went to Denny's and bought four meals. So oh my god fucking stupid
Well, cuz Debra floated this idea to
Taylor in the planning stages because he was like we need money. We're trying to transform America
Here's how America works. You need can't you need collateral blah blah blah
She's like what if I go and I start making I was talking to this producer the other day
And he said that I could make six to eight thousand dollars a week making porn or films and I can just give you some of the money do that yeah
Taylor looked at him cuz she had the offer
Yeah, and I think remembering that he already lost one hot chick to playboy that he said
His response was do you really want to be remembered in that way?
Oh my goodness much like how mark maro lost sable which is an interesting story that I
We talked about this last week we talked about her playboy spread last week
Continue to bring it up. I'm trying to remember all wrestling details. I'm trying to honor you absolutely
I will say though X-Men and Denny's. Ooh, that's a date. Yeah, that is a fun day
Yeah, yeah, and especially that 2000 X-Men movie. It was fun
I was really in the theaters
In fact, I think I may have gone to see the X-Men movie and I might have gone to Denny's afterwards to smoke cigarettes all night
It's very 2000 date. It was a very 2000 absolutely
But Taylor didn't tell Debra why she needed to do all this nor why she needed to keep all the ticket stubs and receipts
But the thing about an alibi like this is that you need a true ride or die follower
Who's gonna stick to the story no matter what and Debra owner of a ferret named Cosmo?
Certainly wasn't that much to Taylor's later chagrin ferret owners got big mouths
I'm not saying that the ferrets a bad pet to have I'd love to have a ferret but Henry
I think is very correct. Yeah, the ferret owner is gonna they're gonna talk to somebody at the bus stop
You know ferrets are kind of chatty little creatures themselves
So when the day finally came Taylor and Justin went to his former client Bob White's house rared up and ready to go
They're in there. Are we doing dumb enough? Yes
But they both dressed in fucking reservoir dog suits like fucking morons
I just got their ponytails going to what I fucking witnesses peg
They literally one witness says like they call the police being like I believe two hit men just walk down my street
Oh my this is where it's like should we blame Hollywood?
You know should we just should we say maybe maybe American maybe as humans were not ready for cinema
No, no, yeah
But since these dudes weren't great at prep work
They found that Bob White wasn't at home and had in fact just left town for a trip to San Antonio
You're gonna want to check in on that. Yeah, so Taylor and Justin
Immediately went for the next target on their list an elderly couple named Ivan and Annette Steinman
Well, cuz you remember this list is the top five
Portfolios that Taylor had worked at when he was a stockbroker
Yeah, Taylor had been the Steinman's financial advisor and was still well liked by the couple because remember most people only
Knew Taylor on a very surface level as a charming individual. How you doing killer?
What's going on buddy? Hey, you working hard or hardly working good to see a man good to see you
We're transforming America today. I need your blood
So when Taylor and Justin rang the doorbell at the Steinman residence on July 30th in the year 2000 at 8 p.m
The brothers were welcomed inside by the Steinman's as friends
Now at first the helter brothers sat with the Steinman's and chatted and the atmosphere was cordial enough where Annette took a call from her daughter
And Annette said hey, we got visitors gonna have to call you back later
Didn't think anything was wrong at all and Taylor and Justin did at least try to get Annette and Ivan to quote-unquote
invest in transform America you see we're transforming
America let's okay great. I want to invest. Well, how do I invest one word? Okay, Brazil child assassins?
When the Steinman's heard this very dumb idea and said no the mood of the room very suddenly changed
Pulling out the pistol they bought earlier that summer
Taylor and Justin grabbed all the Steinman's checkbooks
Forced the Steinman's into their own white van and had them drive the whole crew back to the children of Thunder House
Where a long night and day of physical and mental torture was waiting
This is where being a dumb criminal a lot of times make you worse
Yeah, smart criminal and these people are what in their 70s or 80s. Yeah, 70s
Once they were in the house Taylor switched hack and told them that he was in trouble and needed money to get out of the country
specifically he needed their money and if they signed over a hundred thousand dollars to him then he'd leave them handcuffed in the
House for three days while he escaped then he'd call the cops and it would all be over about it being by the boom easy as that
But since he was in trouble, they couldn't write the checks directly to him
Instead they needed to write the checks out to his girlfriend Selena Bishop and Selena Bishop by the way was still
Completely ignorant as to the sort of situation she'd gotten herself into as far as she knew
Ted the money that was coming into her account was from
Um, Taylor's dead great uncle. I you know at some point one of the Steinman's had to have been like you know, that's a stupid idea
Taylor, you know, that is not money laundering. Yeah, and eventually it kind of sort of worked
The Steinman seemed to agree so the next morning Don called the Morgan Stanley offices pretending to be Annette Steinman
Saying that they needed to liquidate their accounts due to a medical emergency
Don is I you know what cuz I know the other two of the main villains right like the Hellzer brothers are like really
I don't know man. She's very complicit. She yes. No, no, I'm not excuse. I am bumping her up
I'm bumping her up to just how
This is like that trapped in Paradise movie with Nick Cage
Like this is the worst band of fucking morons in the world because she called of the bank was like
They knew up top that something was incredibly fishy about this whole scenario
They're like that does not sound like Mrs. Steinman. Oh, we've been working with for decades
We're just like it's from another number
Yeah, but still the money was in the Steinman's regular bank account by 1 p.m
That part of the plan did at least work, but again the children of thunder had not thought ahead
They'd given the Steinman's rehypnal to make them more compliant, but they've given them six pills each
Yeah, or too much to keep either of them even conscious if you're trying to do business. You can't have a Cosby lunch
You really absolutely not I mean that would have killed that's what they gave Jason Voorhees and Freddy versus Jason
Yeah, to make to make him go to bed. So they get him to get crystal like where he likes to be
So to try to wake them back up again Taylor smoked some meth and blew it in their faces
Like a dog and a party when that didn't work Taylor said fuck it and had dawn practice in that signature making a test check of $10,000
We needed the Steinman's in the first place and we could have just taken the check books dawn dawn. Oh god
I just ah just get some makeup. You just something else and you got to contribute something else
No, all right, let me take a look at the checks here. You signed every one of these dawn
Yeah, but you're supposed to use the name. Oh, I was doing it as a net
I'm a character now you just wrote dawn again. Yes
Figuring that he had enough to move on with the next phase of the plan Taylor decided that it was time for the Steinman's to die
After Taylor Justin and Dawn all stripped down to their underwear so they didn't get any blood on their clothes
Taylor tried killing the Steinman's by suffocating them. This however proved too tiring for Taylor
So he ordered dawn and Justin to suffocate them with plastic
But the two pensioners proved to be made of sterner stuff than the children of thunder expected when they fought back
Taylor started smashing a net's head on the bathroom floor over and over
Justin who copied his brother and everything he did took the cue and did the exact same thing with Ivan
Eventually Ivan died of a heart attack during the beating but a net survived
Tiring of the whole business Taylor dragged a net to the bathtub and stabbed her once in each lung
And when she still didn't die Taylor turned her over slit her throat and drowned her in her own blood
God, they're so fucking bad at this. Well, and it was all to avoid like cuz that was the whole thing
They had this like print like they're gonna feel no pain because Justin at first was like
He was in on the plan because he's like we're gonna feed him with so much we're hypnotal
They're just gonna go to sleep and not wake up and so like okay, and then it turned into this like he's switching the plan
Like Taylor is looking at everything and he we got to suffocate him because because then they're like we need to do this quick
We need to make sure we don't cause any noise and we don't cause a disruption because if not, you know
Some of the neighbors gonna we can't shoot a gun. That's too like there. That's too crazy
Oh, yeah, they then protracted it and it was probably far noisier than two separate
I mean like they're slamming people's heads into the floor. We're in a big city
You know what like gun noises if you hear a gunshot, it sounds like claps
Right especially back in like it's a very specific noise, but it actually can be covered up fairly easy by car noise other environmental sounds
Sneezing really loud
Make sure you sneeze at the same time you fire the gun
With in 10 minutes of killing both of the Steinman's Taylor ordered dawn to drive up to Petaluma to deposit the
$10,000 check in a Selena bishops account. They're immediately getting to work on this
Meanwhile the Helzer brothers immediately got to work dismembering the bodies
Now the Helzers very quickly learned as many killers in the past have that you don't use power saws on flesh
Because it gums up the works
So they sliced the flesh off the bodies with knives and used the saw on the bones. Yeah, oh
My and once the Steinman's were dismembered and packed away into duffel bags things only
Accelerated for the children of thunder
The next day dawn started calling up rental companies to see if she could get a hold of a jet ski
So they could dispose of the Steinman's body somewhere in the California Delta and what's that?
And that was wrapped up dawn embarked on the next phase of this extremely meth-inspired plan. So first of all dawn who has
Never seen a jet ski. No
They're like go get us a jet ski. That's the dumb. I mean, it's just why it's just it doesn't work on snow
It's very it doesn't work out snow. It's just like it's just so strange this idea
So she's calling all around town trying to find a jet ski. They have to go to the fucking pop the jet ski place
It's so dumb. They have to go get their cars retrofuted so they could even they didn't even think that you would need something to tow
The jet ski so then they had to have some attached to the car to even use the jet ski. It's a pain
Oh, wow, stupid. Wow, but the next bit takes the kick next
That's great on the morning of August 1st the day after they killed the Steinman's
Dawn showed up at the Steinman's Bank in a wheelchair
dressed in a bright lime green jumpsuit
gloves and a big golden cowboy hat
Words seriously cannot express just how stupid and out of place
She looked besides Jody Aries's butthole
It is one of my single favorite pictures in all of true crime because she's rolling in
She looks sort of like, you know, I've never seen the meme the what in Tarnation like meme with the dog with the cowboy hat on
Because Taylor fed her this thing of like you want to dress so outlandishly. They're just paying attention
That will land as you are. They don't they're not thinking you'd be doing something suspicious. Meanwhile, she comes
Into this thing she looks like Larry Flint in drag
She's just the stupidest figure in the world
Yeah, it's like anybody if I saw this woman in the bank dress like that
I would remember it 30 years later
I mean the rest home thinking about this woman in the fucking lime green jumpsuit and the cowboy hat in the wheel
So their logic is so messed up and so 360
Yes, they say in order not to be recognized you have to be so recognized
Don't even see you. They just see what happens in wheelchairs and wigs. Wow. It's so brilliant
Well, Dawn told the bank manager that she was a relative of the Steinman's named Jackie
And she needed money from the Steinman's account to pay for emergency heart surgery for their granddaughter
Selena Bishop and managers always bank managers. They really always react well to hyper
convoluted fast-talking schemes at a woman obviously in a wig and a cowboy hat
Absolutely. Well, you have to listen to her because no matter what she's saying she is
Confessing to murder you have to be recording details
Well, she had checks from the Steinman's account made out for sixty seven and thirty three thousand dollars
And all the tellers needed to do is just deposit in the Salinas Bank account so she could pay for the heart surgery
That's all I need you to do man. Just like that checks. Just deposit in Salinas account
You don't need to know anything else. You just need to know she has emergency heart surgery. Just do the thing
It's fine. Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm in a wheelchair and you know how easy banking is
That's why I just do it every day
Oh, you love it because I just like go to the bank and I'm just like here's a dollar. We play with
Because it's nice for community and you know, it's just of course
They're always so ready and willing to help in a timely manner. Oh, yes
Now the bank teller very wisely called the Steinman's house and got the answering machine
But Don told them man, they just moved. He's just moved. That's why they're not at home
But they kept the answer machine. Yeah, bring them. They just moved
You are one of the dumbest-looking people I've ever seen. Thank you. Okay
So Don gave the manager the Steinman's quote-unquote new number
Oh, which is which was of course aligned to Taylor Heltzer's cell phone and Taylor answered and tried impersonating
I
It is definitely my wheelchair bound
Oh friend of child
What did she say? Who did she say she was? I don't even know what kind of hell
I want these people to be in because I don't think it's like not fire and brims
It has to be dumber than that. I think so too
Yeah, but the man on the answering machine and the man at the new number were obviously two very different people, right?
So Don was told that she needed the Steinman's social security numbers and even after she left and called them back with the information
They said it would be at least a week before the money could be transferred because the manager had put a quote-unquote
hard hold on the
Manager read this scenario
Perfectly right like oh, this is completely incorrect and you know what complete
You know what sold it what made them put the hard hold on what was that they said like, okay?
Well, if we're gonna cash this you're gonna need to get the social security numbers and Don was like, I'll be right back
That's easy to get and then she wheeled out the front door and then the manager like looked at her go and was like
How did that wheelchair-bound woman come in the front door because the handicapped
Entrance you have to actually go through the parking lot and take the elevator. There's two set of stairs
Oh, you'd have to go down it was like 24 steps to come up the thing. So she no
She just went down like a naked gun
Yeah, so it's like she threw her wheelchair up the stairs
Front sprung
Up the stairs landed in the wheelchair and then rolled in I swear to God this and that's usual suspects
Yes, that is that was their trick there far dumber. Oh, of course. Oh, yeah
Now at this point Taylor Helter believed that the plan although delayed was still gonna somehow work out as far as he knew
The money was going to Selena's account and going off Selena's journals at the time
She was smitten enough with Taylor that she would have willingly given him every single cent
She would have done anything he asked
But this is the point in the story when things get truly confusing and it's hard to figure out Taylor Helter's motivations
Because he was and I can't stress this enough doing a lot of meth and a lot of ecstasy
You just need one clarifying drug. Oh, man Advil
I
Hit a weed might actually help in this case. They were also smoking a lot of weed. Okay, fantastic
Well, sensibly this plan was supposed to go down four more times netting the children of thunder
$500,000 to fund their plan to insult Taylor at the head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
It would have literally just been easier to wait every single day outside of the church
His ecstasy business
Then after it was done four more times
The money would be transferred to Taylor and Taylor was then gonna kill Selena Bishop. That was the plan boom. That's it. We're
Transforming America set it and forget it
But Taylor didn't even wait for the first scheme to play out before he carried out the end of the plot
Possibly Taylor got paranoid and thought he couldn't trust Selena and his megalomania was so out of control
That he figured he could get the money from Selena's account with or without her somehow
I do believe that his blood was up
I think that they killed the two people and it went so poorly
Right, they had a rev up. They think it went poorly. There's like that was another perfect job
It was supposed to be easy and it turned out to be far harder than they thought it was gonna be
And I think the thing was is that Taylor realized he's looking at Tweedledee and Tweedledum
And he's realizing we don't have a lot of gas in the tank here because Justin was like, you know
Say what you will Dylan Cleabald like he is the dude that is just like
I'm really not looking forward to going through that again. And then you got Don who's just like, let me get back to the bank
You're done your part of the plan is over you fucked it up Don
And now like you I think there is a little bit of that of like how much how am I gonna rev everybody up to do this?
Another four times right and I think it all it was also
You know the fact that he had orchestrated the deaths of two people and they hadn't immediately gotten caught
You know, I think his ego was boosted enough where he figured, you know
I can get to the Steinman's money without Selena Bishop doesn't fucking matter and so Taylor Helzer
jumped the gun and killed Selena Bishop for seemingly
No reason. Oh
On August 2nd three days after murdering the Steinman's Taylor invited Selena to the Children of Thunder House to stay the night in advance of a
trip to Yellowstone National Park the next day the plan was to have Justin Helzer
Beat Selena to death with a hammer that night. What a fucking brilliant plan during risk
Yeah, geez and after playing risk. Well, not during risk. I know
Who knows you never know because I get really concentrated
Getting the zone. Yeah, I guess it's appropriate. They were playing a game with a lot of red flags
Mm-hmm and after playing risk and smoking weed with the Children of Thunder
Selena was invited to come back to look at the newly remodeled bathroom and that was where the deed would be done
Well, you remember this bathroom you was the an absolute slaughterhouse three days ago
She had done it in the most worst. They did it all the worst way possible. So it was so old and yeah
No, they had remodeled it
They had done a full gut renovation in like a day and a half because they had butchered
Because they had butchered two people in that room just a few days earlier. You'll notice the shiplap
But nevertheless Justin walked in behind Don and Selena with a hammer waiting for Selena to turn her back
But when she never did they all just went back to playing risk
It's a movie. It's a movie because literally he go like they're like, all right
We're going to the bathroom and then Selena's like, okay, they go and then Justin slowly
Raising the hammer behind him being like
It makes the characters from burn after reading look like super villains. Yeah, yeah
You know what it reminds me of throw mama from the train. It's very much. Oh, it loves his mama
Oh, it loves his mama
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Well soon Taylor brought Selena some wine spiked with Roe hip-knoll
But when Selena commented that the wine looked funny
Taylor took it back gave her a new non-drugged glass and came up with yet another plan
Are they all like making eyes at each other? That's the only way I could figure out like how is he shifting plans?
Amongst each one. He's he going like we're gonna have to do something else than for dinner, right?
Well, he's bringing him into the other room cuz like the next the next time like he like takes
He's like don't let me talk to you in the other room for a second and he
And he told her that she and Justin were to wait half an hour after Selena was asleep in Taylor's room
Then they sneak in put a towel over her face and beat her to death with the hammer
But when Selena didn't fall asleep. She's not going to sleep. Yeah, what are we gonna do now?
What do we do now? Oh my god, that's such a key component to our plan
Yeah, Taylor offered her a back row and it was while she was faced down in Taylor's room
The Justin came in and brought down the hammer over and over again all while Dawn watched
After five or so blows Selena finally stopped struggling and Taylor ordered Dawn to prepare for cleanup
But Selena still wasn't dead after hearing her moaning from the other room
Taylor returned hit her three more times himself and slittered throat which according to forensics is what finally killed her
Somewhat learning from their last dismemberment the children of thunder placed the body on saw horses in the bathtub for butchering and
Used chopsticks to pull body tissue out of the bathtub drain
They may dawn dude all of the cleanup duty like she went like oh god
No, everyone has their role in this ridiculously stupid plan
Yes
Going back to their old plan just to see what they could see the children of thunder tried to get their Rottweiler to eat human flesh
The dog did indeed eat a few pieces including skin featuring an identifying tattoo
But the dog could only eat so much poor dog
I feel so bad for the dog of course and the thing was it's not like the children of thunder were inconspicuous
They were known as the weirdos on the block and a nosy neighbor had seen them take both the stymins and
Selena Bishop into their home and they noticed that none of them came back out again to be fair
I don't think that was a nosy neighbor. I think that was just another neighbor. They're so stupid and bad
Yes, by definition. They had to see it another neighbor heard the hammering and the sawing and in a scene straight out of the burbs
Very explicitly said on the night of Selena Bishop's murder that it sounded like they were breaking bones next door
this reminded me of in Tallahassee when I lived across the street from a meth house and
Watching them all like it must have been they smoked in the morning because then you'd watch them all come outside and
Paint the house and lawnmow and they do all of this shit out
Scurrying around like a bunch of cockroaches all day in front of the fucking house doing all this shit where you're like
None of you are subtle. You know that right? You know that you all think that you're just like there's normal every day guys
No, you are you are cranked up crazy people absolutely
But after Selena was murdered and dismembered Taylor realized that there was still a loose end to tie up
See Taylor had been careful while dating Selena to stay away from any sort of personal entanglements
And therefore refused to meet Selena's mother Ginny Villarene remember this boys and girls if you're trying to talk to somebody and you think and
They're love bombing you right like Taylor's hitting you with all the love you I love you
You know, I've never met anybody like you where we're two twin flames and tangled and a torch and we're gonna transform America
But he didn't tell her what transform America man
But the idea is is that they keep pushing all the dates because that's what she said it was that like Taylor would make all
These promises about hanging out and doing this up are we gonna meet your family gonna do all this stuff?
And he just kept pushing it and pushing it and pushing it eventually you need
Like a reason like a real reason because I just I'm an ecstasy dealer
Yeah, but one day not too long before the murder Ginny Villarene had dropped by Selena's apartment
Unexpectedly while Taylor was there just to meet this mysterious new boyfriend that Selena wouldn't stop talking about so Ginny Villarene
Saw Taylor Heltzer's face and from what Selena told Taylor just before he'd killed her
Ginny Villarene was house sitting at Selena's apartment at that very moment with the full knowledge
That Selena was supposed to be on a trip to Yellowstone with this mysterious new boyfriend
So right after Taylor killed Selena Bishop
He and Dawn drove to Selena's apartment with the express purpose of killing Selena's mother
But when they arrived they found that Ginny Villarene was not alone
She'd had a sleepover with a friend named Jim Gamble and both were asleep in bed when Taylor Heltzer walked in alone with his pistol
Ginny was shot twice in the head while Jim was shot through his right calf left arm chest and
Neck and since Taylor left behind a lot of easily obtainable cash when he quickly left the crime scene
Investigators who arrived that very night after reports of gunshots knew that they were definitely not dealing with a robbery here
And again Dawn is parked outside what they said so he went they parked his truck outside of the house
Caddy corner on it like basically they put it it was parked very badly on a corner
Or like you've ever seen a car just literally parked diagonal on the tip of the corner
So the people were like straight like yeah, no one does this and two witnesses watched like they just watched a man
Dresses a hit man get out of a car go into a house, right?
And then they watched a portly woman inside chain smoking chain smoking chain smoking throwing out cigarettes
And they're like that's really fucking weird on a DNA evidence
She's straight up just smoking inside with a fucking the windows closed of her truck putting out little fucking cigarettes back and forth
So eventually when Taylor left these guys like they were watching her the whole time
And she was watching them watch her enough so that Dawn emerged from the car and she went over the two witnesses
She's like, um my friend was buying weed from a shady guy. So I was back up
Back into the truck and drive off we didn't we didn't solicit
We didn't ask you to give us that information at all and and the neighbor was like there's no weed dealers around here
Like this is a pretty nice neighborhood like there's no guys just like said like nothing wrong with that
But there's no guys like just selling weed out of apartments. It doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah, it's also another crime
Yeah
Like you know, you're committing a bad crime
When you have to confess to it we're a less crime. Yeah, and so now that the murders were taken care of for all the good
It did the children of thunder it was time to dispose of the bodies
Half thinking it through and half not Taylor didn't want the bodies identified in case they were found
So he had Justin put all three
disembodied heads on a towel and Justin spent 30 minutes
Knocking out the teeth each head with a chisel and hammer
It's all
Evidence exists. OJ was the biggest trial of the 90s. Everyone knows about DNA evidence. These people are so stupid
They're transforming America. No, and they're protected by God
You don't want nothing to think about current state of America. They may have won. They might have
Once that was done the body parts of Selena Ivan and Annette were intermixed amongst nine duffel bags to confuse
Identification and the bags were weighted down with stepping stones
Stupidly taken straight from the children of thunder's front yard. Wow
That they rented yeah, they rented house. They don't own the house. Oh, they're not just rocks
These are like bots that like you could take a stepping stone
Yeah, these are slates that were taken from the house that you could easily just walk up
You if you found these fucking stepping stones in the lake
You could just take them and put them right back where they see that's where they see the holes and the gravel that they came from
Wow, okay, and after towing their rented jet ski complete with paperwork out to the California Delta where they were photographed
Multiple times by toll road cameras the children of thunder stopped at a place called coast pirate layer
I do wish that they all and that's a that's a hint for an upcoming series
But I do wish that they all were in like the village people costumes
Would you believe a police officer a Native American and a construction worker came in here the other day
Wow, that woman didn't look Native American. Absolutely fantastic
Well there in the middle of the afternoon
Taylor and Justin took the jet ski out and ferry the duffel bags full of body parts in four separate trips
While Don waited on the shore next to a bloody pickup truck bed because these duffel bags full of body parts were leaking a lot
Sure
On the get ski I wouldn't read it. Yeah, they're the ones having all of the fun and I'm the master of the time by the truck Don. Yeah, just stay by the truck
Thanks for the jet ski Don
Okay, well after getting rid of the bodies they got rid of the Steinman's white van by driving it to a bad neighborhood in Oakland
They left it there with the keys in the ignition and a spare set of keys on the fucking count on the dash
Then they left the doors open and they blared rap music thinking. Oh, so he's definitely gonna steal
They'll hear the rap music coming out over here and they can't help but be drawn to the rhythm and the beats
Nobody was dumb enough to take the bait the cops found it like very like nobody went
It's like no that is a weird trap of some kind not gonna fucking go check that out
And so therefore this became a massive piece of evidence
As far as the rest of the evidence went
Including all of the Steinman's checkbooks
Selina's ID and the gun tailored used to kill Jenny Villarin and Jim Gamble
That all went into a safe at the apartment of Mormon witch Deborah McClanahan who still didn't have a clue what was going on
Well, she had a
That's where he kept his meth and his ecstasy that he would sell and he somehow railroaded her into thinking
Oh, we all come in to keep this safe. You don't know what's in this safe. You don't know what's in this safe
I'm keeping it over here. It's in your house, but you don't know what it is
Meanwhile, like he only went over there and took ecstasy out of it and bug and drugs other drugs money and a gun
And it was all there and she was just like I don't know what's in that box
Yeah, you kind of got to ask. It's your safe, you know, it's in your house. Well, meanwhile
The children of thunder got to work cleaning their house after the very messy hammer murder of Selina Bishop
They picked up a steam cleaner
But when that didn't do the job they called a professional carpet cleaner to come take care of it
Saying that Justin had cut himself and got some blood on the rug. Yeah, I was definitely peeling a
Carrot the other day and I got a little bit of a nick
Justin, that's the perfect story and don't forget. There's a Hippocratic oath with the carpet cleaners
They can do no wrong. They also have the exact client privilege client privilege as a doctor or a priest
They will never speak there are carpet cleaners and no one trusts what they say
The stains were actually so bad that the cleaner who God bless him just wanted to believe the best
He asked Justin. Hey bud. Do you spill Kool-Aid on this rug or something?
Yeah, it's got a Kool-Aid. Yes, it's got a Kool-Aid here.
Let me just let me see there was probably several gallons of Kool-Aid. Yeah, you know adults just slam Kool-Aid and then dump it on the ground
And so this must be penny-flavored
Because you get that and after Justin said yeah, that's totally what we did
You don't do Kool-Aid parties?
Kool-Aid, dump it on the ground man. Yeah, he and Don just left the carpet cleaner there while they went to the movies
X-Men for real because honestly after see fake bought the tickets. I was thinking I don't want to miss this cinematic
There'll never be another comic book movie
This is the last
Any idea what movie they saw Marcus. I had no idea what movie they saw
I would imagine they did probably go to see X-Men. There was also what was up? What was in the theaters that summer?
I think the mummy was out that summer. Maybe that was 99 maybe that was a summer before
I really think that it was all about the X-Men because then they knew
They'd then if someone asked us about the intricate plot of the X-Men
So Don what does happen to a toad when lightning strikes it?
They get
Now while we'd like to say that the children of thunder were immediately picked up for their crimes the sheer randomness of it all
Oh, yeah made this quite a difficult case to crack
But to the credit of the policeman involved they actually did do one hell of a job putting it all together
Oh, even if they were horribly haunted by it
Oh, yes, no, well, I think what haunted the policeman more than anything would like what watching one of the documentaries the the head
Investigator in one and I think the Selina Bishop
Disappearance he was what was what haunted him was the sheer idiocy of all of it. Yeah, I mean it was also the brutality
Yeah, the brutality was was horrible
But he also just he couldn't it's like he couldn't wrap his head around people being this dumb
Yeah, cuz it's very similar because like I would put it close to the idea of like Richard Chase where the level of brutality and child like
Nature of the murder itself. It's far more sinister in my mind
I'm like, yeah, I know that like obviously it's horrible with somebody like a highly organized killer like BTK does
Or the East area rapist like that type of thing like someone who really does like fucked up shit scary in another way
And highly planned meticulous. There's something about this where it's like
They just didn't even know what the hell they were doing. They just it's almost so random because the people that were killed never knew that the
They had planted a seed and then no tree that grew was the dumbest damn thing ever
And it's like really bro. You're the one who's gonna kill me. Yeah
Now, of course the first bodies discovered were those of Ginny Villaren and Jim Gamble and cops soon discovered that Ginny's daughter Selina was also missing
Meanwhile, the Steinman's had completely disappeared with the only trace being the van found in Oakland
Now on the side of Selina's investigation cops discovered that she'd been dating a mysterious man who called himself Jordan
But the person who showed up again and again on her phone records was Justin Helzer
Who was of course paying his brother's cell phone bill and on the Steinman side when cops were looking into the disappearance
They found out about the lime green weirdo in the wheelchair who had tried to transfer money from the Steinman's account to a woman named
Selina Bishop so dumb Wow
And once the two investigations came together
It wasn't long before the name Helzer showed up again in the Steinman's past dealings at Morgan Stanley and then the body bag showed up
It seems like, you know true detective. They got the strings and they're connecting all the dots
This is like when you give spiders a bunch of acid because when you connect these dots, you're like, I did it, right?
This is just how stupid this looks when does a moron become a genius?
You're starting to see the oil Boris tail
Well, they have they somehow made themselves criminal dunder mines. Yeah, that's true
See the children of thunder were counting on nobody ever finding the duffel bags full of body parts because they weighed them down
stepping stones from their own house and
They had cut holes in the bag to keep gases from bringing them back to the surface
but all nine
resurfaced and were discovered by either unlucky civilians or law enforcement and
So it was known that both Selina Bishop and the Steinman's were murder victims and a search warrant was obtained for the arrest of
the children of thunder
Now Justin and Dawn were very easily detained when a SWAT team stormed their house
But Taylor jumped out of his bedroom window and made a break for it wearing only a black t-shirt and boxers
I'm free
I'm free like you could see it like I really viscerally see there's John going
And Jeff like he's using like a very easily being taken him just like him running like the Joker
And that shot where it's like his hair is blowing in the wind
Eventually Justin was caught they caught up to him pretty fast
But he was then put in a squad car and he asked for some air
The officer rolled down the window just eight inches
But that was enough for Taylor to wiggle through and take off running again
Eventually Taylor knocked on the door of a neighbor who thought that the crazed young men without pants was a friend of her sons
As soon as she let him in though it became obvious that she'd made the wrong assumption
And it's at this point that I think Taylor helps her like might just be cursed
Like I think there's a very bad
He's very very bad Taylor grabbed a knife from the kitchen and demanded her car keys
But she very truthfully had just opened the phone book to call enterprise for a rental because her car wasn't running
It's not running so I don't know
Taylor then pointed to the guns on the wall and demand take them down so she gave me so he could use them
But she told him again very truthfully that they were just her husband's Civil War replicas. They didn't work
He's gonna go with the muzzle
This will neutralize them. They'll be surprised to see the Civil War era gun that they won't know that I'm the deadliest man in the world
See the thing is they're not gonna die from the bullet wound. They're gonna die from infection
He then demanded clothes so she gave him her husband's pants, but they were too big
So Taylor took some scissors so he could cut off his own hair because he figured if I run
They're looking for a guy's long hair if I go out there with short hair
Nobody's gonna fucking catch me bro. It's not Grand Theft Auto
You didn't just go get your car painted no
Mm-hmm, but unbeknownst to him this woman's son had been on the phone with the cops the whole time and they very soon
Arrested Taylor Halter and took him to jail. Hey guys. Do I look familiar?
Let's all think about this. Can I get some air? Are you sure it's the same guy because the guy that ran away had long hair
Honestly that cop is very lucky. He didn't kill that family. Oh, yeah, that would have been up. Oh, just keep the wind
A lot of paperwork. Yeah
Now even though the children of thunder had done their level best to get rid of the physical evidence of multiple murders within their home
There was still quite a bit of
Circumstantial evidence left behind including a lot of embarrassing children of thunder ephemera
God, I wish I could get some of this. I know I'm not supposed to have any more true crime memorabilia in my home
But I got what this would some of this would be great in addition to a Rolodex that had the home address of the Steinmans
The cops also found paperwork for the jet ski rental a note in the garbage can entitled escape plan
Oh my god
Documents detailing the ins and outs of into me see adds for quote better
Orgasms and bigger and better penis in Justin's room
And numerous LDS church documents. It's all you need. That's all you need to build a cult
Yes, sir. Hey, Sergeant Barry. Come on. Give me that one
They're the bigger dick thing
Yeah, sure Leonard. Yeah, excellent. Oh, it says step one tug on it
That's incredible
It's daddy. Are we you mean to tell me you've never had a boner before no
They also found receipts for 40 ounces of red phosphorus that Taylor was ostensibly going to use to make meth
But there was actually no evidence that Taylor had actually succeeded in building his own meth lab
He tried but it did not go through that was the one thing that he should have been able to do
Yeah, cops also found numerous plans for schemes including a tiered 401k plan for into me see sex workers
And they found plans for a venture involving sexy poker games
Oh, could play poker with sexy ladies. Oh, there's nothing and have sex with them afterwards for $800 a pop
Nothing hotter than a bunch of babes sitting around the poker table with their tits out in there
It's just such a sexy look. Oh, you know, that's I think it's nice
But it is just it's such a 15-year-old idea. It's not a hot. It's not a hot game. I think it's fine
I think strip poker. I've played a couple of those back. Oh my god again proving my point
But the idea of like just I can't even imagine who you played strip poker with college baby. Oh my college
Man fucking sexy theater girls
Oh
Guys, what's your fat guys skinny girls? It was incredible incredible times
These guys like it is funny to think of it because it is such an 18-year-old idea of like wouldn't be fucking cool
We fucking put in nutty. It's nutty poker
You have sex with them
As far as evidence for murder goes Taylor had actually written out notes for possible
Justifications should he ever get caught and Justin had written detailed flow charts that plotted out how the children of thunder should react in
certain murder scenarios
there were notes from Selena Bishop recedes for a reciprocating saw a sword naturally and
Multiple answering machine messages from various carpet cleaning services
There there's a heck of a lot of Kool-Aid and it seems to be big chunks of Kool-Aid
All inside the caulking of the tub and inside of the faucet. Yeah
Actually, they did make they they produced so much blood that the faucets had to be replaced
They actually sent Dawn out to get new faucets because they couldn't get the blood off of them
You know, oh my god
But what really put the children of thunder into the stew was the Mormon white witch Deborah McClanahan
Should have just let her be a porn star. Mm-hmm when she found out that the X-Men Denny's alibi
She'd helped create was for a double murder
She flipped as fast as she possibly could
She told cops that they definitely hadn't gone with her to see the X-Men nor had they gone to Denny's that night
And I would have remembered yeah, of course
You never forget a Denny's trip and she immediately gave them access to her safe
Which held checkbooks belonging to the Steinman's and the gun used to kill Ginny Villarin and Jim Gamble and to top it all off
When they finally tracked down the ten thousand dollar test check that Don Godman had forged and deposited in a Selina
Bishop's account right after the Steinman's had been murdered. It was found that Dawn had misspelled the name
Steinman
Now in the lead up to the trials it seemed like the children of thunder were gonna stick together
But just before the trials began Don Godman flipped and gave a full confession in order to avoid the death penalty
That's why we know everything that we know about the children of thunder and honestly
I kind of think that that's why we don't know a lot of the details about the children of thunder
Because I don't think Don has like great recall
I don't know if dawn
Should have been the secretary of the cult but sometimes that's where you get to sometimes that it's who shows up again
You know, what are you gonna do? Yeah bag?
No, does it Annie Potts? She's no Annie Potts. She's no Annie Potts. That's right
Well for her cooperation. She got 37 years to life
19 days after dawn flipped Justin changed his plea from not guilty to not guilty by reason of insanity
Okay, hear me out. I'm not guilty by reason. I'm a dog
I'm a dog. I'm actually a dog. How would I know? I'm just a dog. I'm only as good as my trainer
But it was very easily proved that Justin was not insane just stupid and weak
However during the trial Justin did become somewhat unmoored at one point near the end
He started saying an open court that he wanted this life to be over that he just wanted to die
Sure, go for it and when the judge said that this wasn't the time for such statements Justin seriously said quote
I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I just want to die
Just one die, please
You know, you'll have plenty of time to think about it
And even though Justin did eventually get the death penalty for his part in the murders
He didn't wait for the state to carry out the sentence in 2010
Justin attempted suicide by ramming pens into both of his eyeballs
There's actually so many better ways to even do that
I made a bit of a miscalculation
You did again
Came away with blindness and brain damage
Yeah, can I get a do-over? At least put it in your frickin ear or something
There was however just enough function left for Justin to hang himself and he did so in 2013
While being incarcerated at Sam Quinton as far as Taylor Helzer goes though
He tried a different gamble just before his trial
He switched his plea from not guilty to guilty and did so without any deal in place
The gamble did not work and Taylor Helzer was sentenced to death for the five murders
He committed to this day. He sits on death row in Sam Quinton where he tells psychiatrists that his schemes failed
Because he didn't hear God
Correctly, what if he's right?
Well, he definitely did
If there is a God this isn't one of his plans
No, you know, but you know, it's so funny the game of telephone
Mm-hmm
And even with it for people you're gonna start hearing mixed mixed messages
Honestly, what he came down. I realized I was just listening to God's friend. Isn't that insane? It turns out it was just Eric Clapton's
Most recent album the whole time. Oh my God nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it was really horrible. Um, what a fucked up story
Children of the thunder. I'm children of thunder. I'm so pissed. I'm so pissed. Mm-hmm. I'm just pissed at that
Oh, yeah, you should be you know, like I'm sorry about infuriating people. Yeah
Yeah, it really is and it's just very sad that they with the power of sheer stupidity
And confidence in confidence and confidence. Yeah, and and they ruined
Maybe they were all intertwined. Yeah, I think so. I think there is a they're all together in one big family
It's a mawage. Um, but wow, I'm so glad we learned that we got in deep
I learned a lot about S therapy as well. You know, all it should it's very very intense sure
But next week we got a relax fit coming then we're going to the high seas
Yeah, the first time we're fraying into a in a realm of history that we've never
Very excited. All right, so we're where you're the most comfortable hugs in your sweatpants for the next episode relax
Want to thank everyone who came out to our shows in Boston and mash and tuck it Connecticut
You all were just absolutely wonderful. It was such a great time. Thank you
And yeah, we'll be on the road check out last podcast on the left.com check out check out our tour schedule and speaking of check out
We've got we are going coming to the Rhyman all of LPN is coming to the Rhyman Theater in Nashville
This is it is June 18th every member. I think I know what's gonna be there yelling at you
See your faces and we're so fucking excited. It's gonna be a big night. Yeah, you'll be able to see
Ed Larson Ben kissle Henry Zabrowski hold a McNally all
Eight of our nipples all eight nipples and then you got
Marcus
Small the real small you are not going to see my wife snipples
But she will be there killing a dog all because we're gonna be doing a special no dogs in
Yeah, man, it's gonna be fucking sweet. I'm so excited everybody. Who's anybody is gonna be there. Absolutely
All right, everyone will thank you so much for supporting everything we do and yeah
Keep on supporting the shows here on the network. Hail yourselves. Hey, let's hit it again
I'm a goose deletions. Don't kill anybody. Please. God. It's not right to do. I mean, you know again have a plan though
Yeah, I mean that's like being like I'm on a diet. I'm on the seafood diet
It's stupid. Yeah, it's true. It's true
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