Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 500: The Salem Witch Trials Part I - Get Your Buckles!

Episode Date: July 30, 2022

In this, Episode 500, the boys begin the story of one of the darkest chapters in New England's History. Traveling all the way back to The Salem Witch Trials of 1692, satanic panic sweeps across Massachusetts and the Puritan Church's fear of the Devil paves a path for the hanging of 19 people.

Hey, everyone, big news from the boys of the last podcast on the left. Check out the last comic book on the left. Our most sinister comic anthology. It now has a volume two. Please pre-order now at Z two comics.com. We have an even bigger stable of artists and talent and writers and everyone that we did for the first one. Although the first one is fucking amazing and it's still available on Z two comics.com. But we're asking you to go pre-order number two Z two comics.com. You're going to like the way you read. Thank you so much. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk on the left. That's when the cannibalism

started. What was that? Hello. It is a galonite. Within the lonesome latter years, an angel throng beweamed, bedight, inhales and drowned in tears. Sit in a theater to see a play of hopes and fears. Oh, man. While the orchestra breathes happily, the music of the spheres. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry and hanging out with Marcus for the 500th time. Oh, my God. This is, we've hung out so many more times than 500. Oh, God. Yeah, I know. It's technically like episode, it's probably like episode 615 if you read all the side stories, but you can really feel the 500 on this one. Episode 500, it's been a wonderful journey and I'm happy to have shared it with both

of you and of course with this fantastic audience. And to open 500 up, Kissel, do you think that if Snoop Dogg was around during this time period that he would have called himself the bitch finder general? Come on. What are we talking about? The Salem witch trials. It's finally here. Yeah. It has begun. Now, while the Salem witch trials were by no means the most lethal in modern history, they certainly are the most famous. In 1692, a large swath of Massachusetts came to believe that a witch infestation orchestrated by the devil himself. Oh, no. They believe that that had taken hold in their colony. And again, we might not be the most deadly one. No. You know, America didn't make the most deadly

one. We didn't kill witches by the hundreds like they did in Europe, but we did it with style. Yeah, absolutely. And of course, if the devil's going to go anywhere, it'll be Massachusetts. Oh, man. Don't tell that to the people that own Dunkin' Donuts. No. Yeah. Dunkies. You're going to say the people of Georgia. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, it's right. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. The devil went down to Georgia because he was living in Massachusetts. And also the tax write off for the film industry. Fantastic. Well, in the resulting fear and paranoia, 172 people would be accused of being in league with Satan. Satan, Satan, Satan. Of that number, five would die in jail awaiting trial or execution. One would be slowly crushed

under rocks for refusing to participate in the proceedings. And 19 would be executed by hanging. Yeah, man. And it wasn't quick hanging. No, we'll get into that later. It is a bad, they did not know what they were doing. They did not test it like they did in England way back when with Jack Catch and all that. And the big melons, the tie melons and see what the melons did to the rope. I have a weighted blanket. And I'm just wondering if at one point they put one rock on the person and they're like, if you stop now, this is incredible. I could actually rest. This is actually 19 pounds of pressure. And it's easy in my anxiety. How heavy is your weighted blanket? It's really heavy. And then I have

my dogs. Man, you sleep under like 75 pounds. Yeah, cool. Now, one of the things that made the Salem Witch Trial somewhat special was the fact that men and women rich and poor, devout and disbelieving were all fair game for the hang man's noose. However, that isn't to say that the majority of victims here were not the usual suspect, which is literally what they called them. Those would be women, weird off putting people nobody liked and citizens who made morally questionable decisions for the time period. Nowadays, you'd see like, well, you know, like that one woman purchased the indentured servant and then started fucking them for legal. Well, that ain't right. No,

it's correct. It was love. Love is correct. Oh, it's in the context of times. And of course, stuff that we would still consider awful. Now, it's like he wants beat a handyman to death. No, that's not good. Why'd you point at me? Absolutely. I love my handyman. Of course you do. You can't do anything on your own. I'm completely unable to do anything in the home. But along with that majority were community leaders, wealthy men and even one reverent. And they all hung from the branch of a tree on as legend has it, yellows hill. Yes, the most metal hill in all of the valley. It's not just a clever name. What's important to remember about witch hunt staring this time

period, though, is that it took a lot more than one person pointing and screaming to get the party started with a hunt or even a single trial. Rather, witch hunts and witch trials didn't take off until the majority of the community agreed that witchcraft was a foot. Yeah, things are fucked up. She's got a big hat. Absolutely. I saw a nipple through her shirt. Well, I'll string her up. I also think this was probably the first time anyone ever wore a boob inspector shirt. Absolutely. Well, in Salem, the community at large became convinced mostly but not solely due to the riveting performances of six girls known as the afflicted. Yes, they were like all the girls from euphoria. Yeah, they do

very well and I don't know who they are. Well, for a myriad of reasons that each had their own motivation, the afflicted testified that they were almost constantly being attacked by the specters of witches simply for evil's sake. And in the course of those attacks, these girls also claim to have gained secret knowledge of other evil deeds perpetrated by the Salem townsfolk. These are kind of cool chicks, to be honest. They work at Hot Topic. They know all the nice stuff. They'll kiss you, but they won't date you. I feel like they were more like robot servants within their own home because they were all children of Puritan families that were basically created to be a workforce. Well, they rebelled. Well,

this is the first time. Well, there's many. It's very complicated. It's very complicated. We'll get into it. They were orphans. They were war refugees. They were all fucked up. They were all fucked up. That's actually, as an historian, that's all fucked up. That's your professional medical advice. That is your opinion. As a future history professor, come to my 9.30 AM class all fucked up with Professor Parks. I can't wait for you to freak out on those kids and throw an apple at somebody's head and get fired. Nothing has ever been good. Well, community members were accused of homicide, patricide, infanticide, inducing suicide and multiple counts of serious assault all in the service of the devil or for their

own selfish wants and needs. Devil's just a middleman. He's trying to help you out here. When it comes down to it, I also find it's really, really apparently very difficult for the devil to get anybody to put anything in writing because he's like a, he is sort of like a timeshare salesman. Well, there's a little bit of trust with the deal with the devil. A handshake should do it. No, you're supposed to kiss his literal asshole. Is that right? That is the part of the one of, that's one of the ceremonies. That was more of a European thing though. No, I saw some asshole kissing in some of

the descriptions. Maybe I'm looking for it, but it did feel like I saw a couple because you're supposed to benefit kiss the rump of the gate. All right. But to that point, Henry, there were never any sexual allegations level. Yeah, they're not horny enough. And despite the devil's supposed horniness, sex of any kind was never mentioned at any point during the trials with rare, very vague exceptions. Does it, for me, that kind of points to the fact that they were kind of making up as they were going because they couldn't even make up horny shit to lie about. They had no point of reference for horny shit. Yeah, because they weren't doing anything.

They weren't scissor in as far as I know. I mean, I'm certain every once in a while, they got a funny feeling on a horse. Oh, of course. And then all of a sudden you realize, but the horse also has evolved in the back between his trunk and his front, and I shall use the falls herewith for my pleasure. Oh, I'm sure sometimes you got a fart, it sneaks in, you get aroused. I mean, there's a series of different ways the person can orgasm. Mm-hmm. We'll just sit like this. We'll just sit like this because it's the long series ahead of us. This is just the very beginning. It's not even the bureau you've done with

the intro wrap up. Not at all. But lest ye think that Salem was just a bunch of wacky religious American nuts going off on a tear like they always do. Woo! Woo! Woo! I'm gonna kill you both! I'm gonna kill you fucking both! The witch hunt of 1692 was nothing compared to what went on in Europe both before and after the trials in Massachusetts. While the 25 Kildon Salem marked those witch hunts as the deadliest in American history, 2,000 people were executed for witchcraft in Cologne, Germany half a century before Salem.

Honestly, and I feel bad for the gallows construction guys because, you know, it's great to have so much work, but, you know, at the same time, where's the you time? Yeah. It's exhausting. Didn't have that on my half century before 1692 bingo card. I get it. Fine. Well, in Europe, they were more, they like to burn the witches. So it's more like it's the lumberman. She's the one that doesn't get the rest.

Why do you think? I'm certain there actually is an answer, but I don't know the answer. Why did they prefer burning to our hanging? That is an answer I do not know. I guess it's just a cultural thing. We wouldn't understand. Absolutely. We need to, we'll read into that maybe for next week we can have that answer. Yeah, I'd like that. Yeah. Once we start getting to the executions in Salem, we'll go through a few witch executions in history and see really what are the differences between the different

cultures. He got excited. It's like going to Epcot. Yeah. If you really did believe that they were possessed by the devil, I think burning out the devil would make more sense than hanging perhaps. Or they double suited it where it's also real cold, a lot of witch practice and a lot of witch acquisitions and trials come around wintertime.

There you go. All right. But starting 20 years after Salem, 800 people were executed for witchcraft in Hungary over the course of four decades. That is a 40 year long witch hunt. Sounds more like hangry. Absolutely. That's funny. It is.

That is funny. Yeah. I love it. You got me. You got me. If you say something and then say it's funny afterwards, that means that was funny. It's funny. Well, some of those in Hungary were killed by torture. Some were killed by being burnt at the stake and some were drowned during the sink or swim test. You're familiar with that, right Ben?

Of course. If you drown, you're not a witch, but if you survive, you're a witch and if you drown, you don't. So basically you're fucked. They swim the mark of Satan as a poem. They must hang. What do you guys want? Drowning, fire or hanging? Drowning. Drowning. Drowning. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I think I would go with fire because don't you just inhale really fast and then you pass out. You scream a lot. It hurts. You do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets a lot of pain. Your feet are definitely going to be blackened.

Yeah, it's going to be bad. That's going to be bad. And everyone's watching where at least when I'm drowning, it's like I'm dying by myself, even though people are watching from the surface. Yeah. And in a way, aren't you back in Mother Earth's womb? I just pretend I was that baby from Nevermind. Go full dick out. I'd piss hard. Yeah, you would. But to give you a scale of how hard and fast the accusations took hold in Salem, there

were only 120 people accused of witchcraft in England in the 50 odd years before Salem and of those, only 17 were executed. By contrast, the Salem witch trials would surpass both of those numbers in less than a year. Which is why it truly is a, like how do you put it? It was out of fashion in Europe already technically, right? Like they had the Hungarian burden. I mean, the last witches in England were executed like five years before this. But he still got like, but it was still like, with the aristocrats, you know what I mean? Like if they heard it like, are you still doing that? Like they do that type of thing.

But we're in America, they kind of like got it all done in one go. They were like, okay, this is our turn. We're going to rip this up again. Capitalism. It's all about bang for your buck. But it seems like the vast majority do not get, or if they're accused of being a witch, the vast majority aren't killed. It seems like they couldn't get out of jury duty. You've got to figure out how to get out of this. Well, a lot of it is you better be careful where you go when you're invited to anything in 6092. And if you've done anything that makes anybody upset, because a lot of them

were like, come meet us at the tavern. You're a fucking witch now. Like what? Dang it. Well, the problem with that is that yeah, you know, if you've done anything to anybody, you might get accused of being a witch, but as we'll get into with Salem, everybody had done everything to everyone. Because it was a small town. Everyone was pissed off at each other at all times. So the fucking witch accusations got

tossed around willy-nilly, but we'll get to that later. Awesome. Now at the center of pretty much every witch hunt is the idea that Satan is real, working not just in spirit, but in the physical realm as well. In short, Satan was an entity as consequential to everyone's daily lives as the weather. And considering how many people died as a result of this belief, they might as well have been right. I mean, that's how you make something real. You just transmuted. It's kind of what the internet has done in its own subconscious way, where it starts, things start on the internet

and then can pop into real life much like you and I. Absolutely. The satanic panic. It's back. It's stronger than ever, perhaps. The devil, as he was often referred to then, was an all-powerful being who was greatly feared as an enemy of all that was good. While the devil was not blamed for every bad thing that happened, he could be blamed without question, in everything from a stubborn ox to the death of a child. If you believe some theologians, theologians, if you believe some of those fucking morons, Frank's been all day fucking, might as well be an expert in monopoly. It's the same thing.

It's exactly the same. It's quite interesting given human history. It's a cultural thing. It's very important to the culture. Oh, I wouldn't understand. It guides human actions, so religion's important. The idea of the old God, even the old Gnostic idea of God, or the original tribe's view of God, of the idea that it always had a duality to it. At some point, the Christians understood packaging and creating teams. That was split at some point, where those that were the cruel

aspects of God became a character known as the devil, whatever you wanted, the serpent, the goat, all that type of shit, as a really good way. Again, Anton Leves, the devil skipped the church and business for all these years. I suppose so. Perhaps the devil is so upset because he can't find shoes, because you have to think of a hoove. And how difficult that would be. Hooves have shoes. Yeah.

But hooves don't have shoes. But isn't a hoove a shoe of its own? Yeah, it protects. No, that's like saying your toenail is a shoe. No, because when you put it, there's a horseshoe that goes on a hoove. He's not a fucking horse though, is he? He's the devil. But you can put a horseshoe. A goat shoe.

A goat shoe. Do they call it a goat shoe? No one puts them on goats. There's no reason for it. Why not? Because you don't ride it, and it's not big enough. I would. Let's get back to it. You stopped us.

I know. But in addition to the devil being a real presence, tangible magic was also considered to be real in both black and white forms. Black magic, or maleficium, as it was known, was the province of those who paid allegiance to the devil, the witches of New England. And by the way, witches could not do magic on their own. They merely asked the devil to do magic for them, and then the devil would do magic because mortals were not able to do magic. They made mortals too powerful if you said that mortals could do magic. Well, that's also one of their validation points. That's one of these things where

they would start to, how they get a confession out of you, like what they do with the cops do, where they go, like, we're your friends, we can help you out, you just come on our side, or they would use those arguments to say, like, you didn't do this, the devil did this, he just used your tits as little guns. And then you have to understand, so it's the way they viewed it. They're really good at just changing whatever it is they're talking about to make it work for the present circumstance. Well, on the other side of the magic was everyone else, the people who practiced white magic, also known as folk magic. And this one could summon with common household objects, you

could use an egg, you could use hot nails, you could use a Bible and a key. Oh yeah. I want to use the Bible and the key. Yeah, I mean, fuck all of it. I want to make breakfast. As soon as it eggs, I'm gonna say I'm starting. And you can use it for any reason. You could use conjuring to summon lost objects, you can use it to discover suspected marital infidelities. But it was such a part of their life already. Folk magic, we've talked about this when we did the Mormonism series, it comes up again and again. It was already such a, it's weird because it was baked in, it was a part of their lives. The idea that there were people that

could do things, it was a connection to the earth, and then they just decide when it's a crime when they want it to be. Yeah, because everyone practiced folk magic all throughout the Puritan colonies. All of these people practice it to some degree or another. But perhaps the most important function of white magic was battling black magic, which that gives you a sense of how every day in mundane this sort of thing was and how much magic was somewhat tolerated until things got out of hand. It sounds like if Pokemon was real, this is awesome, this is not mundane at all. And also you gotta remember these people are leading boring lives of drudgery, so it adds

spice to everything. But what if Pokemon Go could get you fucking hung? This is the problem. This is where we're at. Yeah, it is kind of fun and exciting. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm not a witch. Like, oh, shit. Well, it was believed that if someone was using black magic against you, your family, or your farm, that magic could be turned back on the witch by burning, boiling, or otherwise hurting a piece of what had been bewitched, like a lock of your sick child's hair. If a witch is making your child sick, you cut off some hair and you burn it. Or if a witch has killed your sow, killed your pig, you cut off its ear, and you stab the ear over

and over and over again. That was not my pig. That was my goddamn girlfriend. Fractals, bro. All right. You want to fucking talk about some fucking fractals? I tried a bunch of our samples that we were going to use for the last podcast we did last time. Fractals. Fractals. Okay. Fantastic. Did you actually study fractals or did you say the word over and over again? Because it's a fun word to say when you're high. We all are just fractals. Fractals. That was my fucking pig. Things could even get physical in the battle between good and evil. One could confront a suspected witch directly and scratch him to draw a little bit of blood. And somehow,

if you scratch the suspected witch, that would somehow deactivate the magic. If you drew blood, though. I do want to point out you said him, and that was an interesting thing that I learned in the car with you, Marcus. It was not just women that were witches, it was also men. He can learn. Yes, he can. No, it's anybody who got the finger first. In other words, during this time period, damn near everyone during the 1600s in rural New England, but especially Salem, they were kind of witchy, kind of weird, and very combative. It was truly independent. Independent in a way that allowed them to consume themselves like a snake eating its own tail.

Now, as far as why witches gave themselves over to the devil, it's really not all that clear, which, to modern eyes, makes the Salem witch trials all the more baffling. See, instead of Faustian bargains in which people sell their souls for great material wealth or status, the witches of 17th century New England supposedly signed temporary contracts with the devil in order to take revenge over petty grievances like property line disputes or arguments over how many fucking chickens you owe me. I mean, this is serious stuff. Well, it's almost like they're making it up because a lot of times the people that have, there has been incidents of real, quote unquote, real dark ceremonies, people working with the devil, but mostly

I think it's about a change in lifestyle, especially back from time period. There's something about you aligning yourself with this other idea, we'll cover one of them, one of our favorite ones of them who just leaned into the witch thing. I think it's really about escape of a deeply misogynist culture, but also bad for everybody. It was especially bad for women, but it was bad for everybody. Everybody was caught in this puritan fucking trap, and there's something about like, you kind of let yourself go nuts in a way. You kind of say like, yeah, I signed a deal with the devil, and it was for this freedom. It was like how they did in the witch, which I actually thought was really on the money,

what they're like, do you want to live deliciously? Fuck yeah, it's more about like, don't you want to like smile? Yeah. Well, speaking of delicious, did they have clam chowder yet? Because it is amazing. I had some in San Diego during Comic Con. Honestly, you've been talking about clam chowder for years. I love clam chowder. I wonder if they had it. Clam chowder originate. You can't be that sad as a society. United States, it says it was here. 1600s. It's the first one, clam chowder. I'm like fucking Christ. Clam chowder. The brief history of clam chowder. It says 1919. Okay. Wow. That's very new. That's the first document. Well, it says, ah, it might have been invented in the 17th century. Now we're going to get

these fucking emails from the clam chowder society. I love the clam chowder people, but either way, we can assume they did not have it then. They did not have it. Absolutely not. But I think, you know, using the devil as a way to take revenge over petty grievances or at least accusing people of doing so, I think this is just a way for people to use witchcraft as a way to completely overblow the small, very human disagreements that come from living in a society. And this goes double when a society is going through growing pains, much like colonial New England was in 1692. Growing plans is a really friendly way to put it. It technically was in a massive downward spiral, which we'll get into. It is a mild

way of putting it. But yeah, I mean, it's a society going through transition. Transition is scary. But put simply, this was just another way for the people of New England to turn their own personal anger and frustration into a righteous war between good and evil, which is what I think really lies at the heart of the Salem witch trials. I mean, you know, it doesn't sound like anything we know now. So that's what I'm glad that there's no modern, no modern, no modern ties. Not even close. But again, well, we'll stay it up top. It is very, very, there has been many books written on this subject and we have some we've been reading and trying to get to the bottom of it. And this is going

to be the last podcast version of what we think is at the center of the Salem witch trials, which everybody says something else. Yeah, of course. So the books don't mention like boob inspector shirts or no, no, no, no, no, that's what we bring to Oh, I see. That's our that's our spin. But before we get into the why and how, let's acknowledge our sources for this series. First, we've got the highly recommended book, A Storm of Witchcraft by Emerson W. Baker, which nicely summarizes both the trials themselves and the possible historical causes for the

whole kerfluffle. You know what I like about this guy too, Emerson, he's got the name of a guy who lives in like a colonial Williamsburg hut on purpose. Yeah. That's what I like. I like a historian to sound like a nerd. Emerson, I don't like the Catholic Church, but I wouldn't mind if he's deeply Catholic. Yeah. There's something about the name Emerson.

Well, no, it isn't a problem. I try to watch a new documentary about the Puritans, and it's just all like, here's what they got right. They don't like say anything but like everything that they got incorrect. And then you're like, oh, and then I looked at it was like from a Christian like production company. And sometimes those sources are a little skewed. We've also got the Salem Witch Trials, a day by day chronicle of a community under siege by Marilyn K. Roach. This one is for your hardcore Salem heads out there. This is the

book for the ones who want every single detail of what went on. It is fascinating, but goddamn, is it dense? All right. You know what book I was reading that I also really love that helped me get sort of like a vague understanding? I'm still reading it. And I'm going to, as we go throughout the series, I'm going to pontificate on it. It's called Europe's Inner Demons, the demonization of Christians and medieval Christendom by Norman Cohn. And it's like, it's really interesting to kind of see where all this might have come from.

You definitely made an exciting story with that's the most boring title I've ever heard. It's fascinating. So without further ado, let's get into the Salem Witch Trials starting with the question of what may have caused the whole affair. The answer to that question is, of course, a lot of shit. Get your shovels. Here we go. Just like one could not point to one thing to explain the satanic panic of the eighties and nineties or the modern widespread belief of QAnon's satanic government cabal conspiracy,

one cannot blame Salem on a single cause. Rather, it was a myriad of causes, a perfect storm as it were. George Clooney. Yeah. Where's he in this? Mark Wahlberg. Also in that movie. Well, a boat. Yeah. This has got reasons ranging from something as mundane as bad weather to some of the bloodiest

and brutal wars ever fought on these lands. But before we get to the real causes, let's go ahead and dispel one of the most famous and groovy myths of the Salem Witch Trials, which admittedly, we ourselves have been guilty at times of spreading. It's one of those quick facts that you could just say real quick. Like super wrong. We've all done this. Is it the wheat? Yeah.

Is this the wheat? Is that not real? Yeah, it's not real, man. It might be. There might be tiny bits of it, but you're tiny. Now, despite how awesome the 2015 classic The Witch made it look, the delusions and craziness that went down in New England in 1692 was not a result of ergot poisoning. Ergot poisoning. Ergot.

Ergot. Ergot. Ergot. Ergot. It's not the ergot poisoning. I've been wrong about the ergot poisoning. It's okay. And I said, hey, you tried to crick me with my team, but ergot poisoning, and we came down

to your hearsears and we killed your man in your beard. My goodness, you're an ergot person. See, in 1976, in the post-acid age, it was suggested that many of the people in Salem accusing others of witchcraft had been suffering from convulsive ergotism. Ergotism. Ergot. Ergot. Ergot.

Ergot. Ergot. Ergot. It was not ergotism. Ergot. Ergot. Ergot. Ergot.

We're talking about an ergot fungus that grows on damp cereal grains. The ergot person. I just got it. We have to save it. Yeah. Episode 500. We're so professional now that we're not stupid. We're grown.

We're grown. So... Oh, man, streamlined cereal grains. Well, in Salem, that cereal grain would've been the communal rye that everyone ate from. And while ergot poisoning doesn't... It's hard to hear it now. It's hard to hear it without it. Call E.P. or something.

I only have to say it like two or three more times. Well, ergot poisoning does indeed induce the sorts of trips one might have on acid. The descriptions we have of the afflicted don't include the other symptoms, like neurological damage, gangrene, and near constant vomiting and diarrhea. Bro, I'm really fucking tripping off this ergot. I'm tripping birds. I'm tripping birds. Where?

I'm tripping birds. Where did you get this ergot, man? Because I am fucking tripping birds. I got it from Earl Britsons. Hi. I'm done. But it is such a, I love my hallucinogen community. Yeah.

Right? You know, I love my mushroom people. I love doing acid. But it is a very high idea. I'd be like, maybe they were all just fucking tripping birds, man. I thought that was sort of true. You know, we don't know, but it's not the cause. Yeah.

Additionally, had the afflicted been exposed to ergot for the entirety of 1692, they would have suffered permanent dementia. To the contrary, most of these girls live normal lives free of any kind of mental illness after the trials finally settled down. Yeah, actually, yeah. A bunch of mayhem happened and they all went, well, now it's over. Okay. Great.

Moving on. Moving on. Well, furthermore, the entire communal supply of rye would have been infected with ergot. And there are certainly more than a few people in Salem who said, this shit is crazy while it was all going on. Yeah. There were some not high people there. Yeah.

And perhaps most importantly, the accusations were not just confined to Salem Village. Oh. No, they were not. As I briefly mentioned, the witch hysteria infected multiple towns around Massachusetts. It even reached as far as Connecticut, 250 miles away as the crow flies. Okay. Yeah. It got a wee bit out of control.

And you can tell how it got out of control by how quickly the, all the regional governments try to cover it up. Yeah. Interesting. So we've got the easy answer out of the way. Let's ask the questions everybody wants answered, namely, how did this happen and why was it allowed to go on for so long? Because it was fun and you got attention and you loved every minute of it.

It must have been fun for someone at some point. We'll get into that. Okay. As far as the questions go, I think the answer could be summed up in one sentence that can be applied to almost any witch hunting history, small or large. In short, life sucked and everything was hard. Got you. And this was not even a time period where things were already generally hard.

And then imagine it actually being like hard for incredibly difficult times. And this isn't Taco Bell taking away the Mexican pizza hard. That can bring that up to me because I mean, that's what causes people to riot today. I could barely read yesterday because of my chocolate tears. And honestly, I do need to go to the doctor because I don't know why my tears are brown. I know. It's sad. I could, I could see the Chaco Taco being a very cherished childhood memory to you.

Oh yeah, man. That shit. That's a sigh up by the way. That's literally as close as we got to Mexican food as children because my parents didn't don't like spice. That's a Chaco Taco sigh up. They're not getting rid of it. They just want to gen, they want to gen up support.

They're doing that thing with like Mr. Peanut fucking dick where you try to kill him fucking self and he brought that baby peanut. Now he's just showing up like we didn't all have a funeral for you. Exactly. Now remember, this was life on the frontier in the early stages of American settlement. Back when America and especially New England was still a deeply mysterious and lethally dangerous place where life sucked and everything was hard. However, life was made even harder than it had to be by the people who were in charge

of Massachusetts colony, the ones who had founded it in the first place and were so desperately trying to hold on to their power by the late 1600s. Those people were the Puritans. Get your buckles. Hope you like your buckles. Myth. Myth. I see.

Another myth. Buckles. I watch which finder general. They didn't have buckles. Buckles were overblown as was the black clothing, but we'll get into it. Black was actually a very expensive color of clothing to have back in the 1600s. But again, it's Boston. I wish I was overblown.

That's not bad. They will. They will. They will. You're a funny guy. Clever. The Puritans actually, which they called them in derogatory term, they called themselves good Christians.

They also called themselves congregationalists. The Puritans had only landed on Plymouth Rock about 70 or so years before the Salem witch trials. But by the 1690s, when everything went down, things were not going well for reasons both within and without their control. When it came to things the Puritans could do nothing about, all of this happened during the worst part of our last big bout with climate change, the so-called little ice age that lasted from the year 1400 until the year 1800.

That's not very little. It's huge, it's 400 years. It does sound like the Muppet Babies. If the Muppet Babies cost millions of lives to the drought and pestilence. Little ice age is kind of fun. It is cute. Well, specifically, Salem occurred during the Maunder Minimum, when every winter was the coldest in history and every summer was dry as a bone.

Interestingly, scholars have noted that there was a high correlation between eras of extreme weather like the Maunder Minimum during the little ice age and outbreaks of witchcraft in Europe. Again, life sucks and everything is hard. When everything is difficult and society is already pinned against you, every once in a while, the pressure builds and builds and builds and one day, that powder cake pops. Absolutely. Maunder Minimum, also a new movie starring Keanu Reeves, where he goes to buffets, specifically

Chinese buffets and only has a little bit of food. Wow, he's been thinking about that. At least, isn't that something? No. Sure is. It really is. And he just has a little bit of food. Yeah, I know.

Yes. What a surprise. I thought you were going to elucidate on him, but that's fine. What a surprise. Now, at the same time that everyone was either freezing to death or starving because there was no rain to grow crops, they were dealing with yet another disastrous frontier war with the indigenous tribes of New England. This caused rapid inflation, which in turn caused a massive depression, causing life

to suck more and making everything even harder. Even harder and worse than it was the day before. I could have done without that. But for the Puritans, what stung the most was the fact that all these awful circumstances were not translating to increased church membership. Oh, then they were just like, I thought that when everything sucked in life was hard, you want to come here, where we tell you to feel guilty about it. Yeah, why would this increased church membership?

Why would I want to believe in God right now? He's obviously not thrilled with us killing a bunch of indigenous people. Because they thought that they don't get the message that God is telling us he's mad right now. Why aren't you all here trying to suck God's dick so that he can smile? It sounds like an abusive relationship to me. It is. Well, in fact, the so-called city upon a hill that the Puritans had envisioned, the thing

that fucking Reagan stole in the 80s, that was a Puritan thing, like the whole city upon a hill. It was a dog whistle to the evangelicals. They've been doing it for, they've been doing it a long fucking time, they've got a lot of long plans. I missed the old days of the dog whistle, now it's just a straight up human yell. Well, this so-called city upon a hill that the Puritans had envisioned when they came to America was quickly dissolving.

Okay, you ready guys? Yes, let's get into fifth grade history. Yes, you need to get your notebooks out, all right? Quit touching Tammy. I got a trapper keeper. I'm gonna throw everyone in this classroom out on the street. I actually had a kick ass trapper keeper with teenage mutant ninja turtles on it. Mine was Legend of Zelda.

No kidding? It was great, it was rare. It was rare, but I got it. Nice. Cool. Well, my parents didn't believe in it. Yeah, they didn't believe in trapper keepers. Yeah, they thought it was stupid, so I had the composition books.

Oh, wow. Weird. Classy boy. I don't know why they were against it. You're like, we're not spending money on this. It's a trapper keeper. Yeah, they hated it. Okay.

So the Puritans had fled England in 1620 because they felt the Church of England was being corrupted by outside forces like the Roman Catholic Church. It's just so funny because the Church of England was made so that Henry VIII could divorce his wife. Yeah. And then they are all saying it wasn't pure enough. Like, yeah. Like, yes.

All right. So the Puritans fled to a place where they could practice pure Christianity, i.e. Puritanism, although as Henry said, that was not what they called themselves. Like how the Mormons called themselves Latter-day Saints, and we call them Mormons, the Puritans called themselves, as I said, Congregationalists. I did the tiniest bit of reading because it's very boring about Protestantism, Protestantism, Protestantism. Protestantism.

Protestantism. Protestantism. But the idea that they got mad because the Catholic Church has a pope, right? So the idea is that there's a dude that says, he's the liaison between us and God. And the Protestants, they said that we actually are the ones who have access to God because we believe in it. But the Puritans, that wasn't even enough for them. No.

They needed to go even what we now call fundamentalism, which is even more of a stripped down version of what they believe, which is just this, they needed their own little society because, again, they just hated seeing a woman's butt outline. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I mean, like the early Mormons, Puritans seemed to sort of piss off and put out pretty much everyone they came into contact with. So they founded their equivalent of Utah far away from everyone else in Massachusetts Bay. One of the worst places in the world.

I know people like it. I know people like it. I'm sure there's aspects of it that are great, but Utah is beautiful. The rest of the fucking pilgrims, they went to Dominican Republic. Oh, the DR. I mean, they went down to the islands. Yeah. It's beautiful.

They went down to Florida, they went to all these like nice temperatures, the Copacita fucking England. Can you imagine just going to worse England? Yeah. I totally feel you. Also, Dominican Republic and apparently it's a, it's a hidden gem. And I was with a cab driver once and he said, don't tell anybody the DR is the best place to vacation.

That's what I hear. Why are you doing this then? I don't know. It's the earringer. It's the earringer. It's the earringer. It must be the earringer. It must be the earringer.

It must be the earringer. It must be the earringer. It must be the earringer. It must be the earringer. Interesting side note, most Puritans came from East Anglia in England, which was the same place with the last great witch trials of England took place in which 100 people were murdered, including 15 in one day. And that was just a few short decades before Salem.

And they did it. They looked at it like they were the executives of Marvel and they're like, we love this. We're going to do a full expanded universe of this. Expanded multiverse. Really can't wait. Yeah. They were the Puritans, while they were indeed the rigid stick up their ass dicks that we imagine them as, they were not quite the plain black clothed, fuddy duddies we imagine.

Rather they drank in moderation. They went to their taverns in Salem. They wore bright and fancy clothes with fancy lace. If they were rich, which many of them were, they owned gaudy furniture. You could find a Turkish rug, a brightly covered Turkish rug in a Puritan household, and they even supposedly enjoyed a good joke, a good jab. What kind of joke? What do you call a woman showing her knee?

What do you call it? A dead prostitute. Whoa. That's not funny. Puritans also believe that prosperity was a sign of favor from God. They're similar to Mormons as well. Yeah. So the richer the man, the more God loved him.

This is but one of many, many parallels between the Puritans and modern evangelical Christians. I've seen Neil on Musk with his shirt off. God does not love it. Hey, man, the only thing I can ever say to defend him is that he's got a thinker's body. And the rest of us who are also built like that man, just better be hoped that you are very charming. Rob Liefel, Captain America. That's all I see.

Yep. Now, because of their belief in the prosperity gospel, Puritans were made up mostly of the merchant class, and they left England not because they weren't doing well, but because they wanted to form their own Christian theocracy where they were the ones on top. But when it comes to making life much harder than it needs to be, the Puritans made it doubly so by choosing Calvinism as the backbone of their faith. Yeah. And they had that ball, and you got the tiger doll there.

Yeah. Exactly. He's always pissing on Ford. Yeah. He's always pissing on Ford. And I have the one where I got him pissing on just the words ex-wife. Oh my God. I got one where he's pissing on the word cystic fibrosis.

Hey, man. Fuck cystic fibrosis. I fucking hate it too. I'm with you, Calvin. Well, basically, Calvinism says that because of the fall of Adam and Eve, every person is not only born as a sinner into a life of total depravity, but their ultimate destination of heaven or hell is already determined by God before they're even born, and nothing they can do in life can change God's decision.

Fantastic. I've been replaying Red Dead Redemption, and I'm trying to be good, but I just ran over a random mom on my freaking horse, and they're like, now you're bad, and I'm like, well, you know what, fuck it then, now everyone's dead in this town. It just really does, I hate that so much though, because you know what, just I want to remind people, you're born beautiful. You're born beautiful. You're born pure.

Yeah, you can change your own life. You do not do anything wrong to be born. But the idea is that you had to live in sort of a suspense as whether or not you'll find out that a celestial Howie Mandel will arrive with a suitcase and open it up and see near, near as you're saved. Like he literally just shows you that God's facing God. See it? Boom.

Make a deal indeed. I mean, really, all you could hope for was for God to show himself to you in some way to let you know that you were one of the ones going to heaven. That meant that every Calvinist spent every day wishing and hoping and praying and looking for any sign that they were going to heaven, because if they didn't see that sign before they died, the devil would see them in hell. I'll see you in hell, Mr. Man. Just make it up, then, if you have to see God, just look at something and say, that

was it. Yeah. Move on. Yes, because that's what they would do. Good. That's what I would do. I'd be like, of course. There's God right there.

Boom. Oh, right there. See now. You see that cardinal over there? It's my pop-up. Who's got two thumbs in this safe? Here's guy. You get it.

Now, this was a highly stressful way to live, especially in a time and place where it was so very easy to die. As such, even while more Puritans were coming from England, those who'd already settled were breaking off to form new colonies, and Puritans were banishing even more of their brethren for heresy and differing interpretation of Scripture. Because this was so stressful and because they were just banishing people left and right, there was a massive decline in church membership. Yeah.

What's the different interpretation? Be like, well, technically, yes, Noah did have sex with his daughter, but they only did anal, and you don't seem to recognize that, which is bizarre that you don't recognize. Bizarre. Bizarre. It could be something as small as a word. What does that word mean in the context of larger Christianity? Right.

Yeah. I mean, it really could be that small. Because remember, these people were Puritan. They are all about the pure Word of God. Yes, they believe the Bible is infallible, every word, and unlike certain stripes that believed it is to be interpreted, technically, most Christian sects believe that it is the Word of God, but it's also to be interpreted, where this is a group that believes that it is literal.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. But also, because of the nature of the way they believe, it can only come from the Bible. So everything was, like, lawyered. All of their faith systems were all like, well, I've got this provision that says I can do this, and then they chunk out all the poetry, and you can make it validate any single thing that you want. Most of the Bible is just a list of names.

It is. It really is. The Old Testament. Because the Bible also has so many contradictions in it, then that really fucks with interpretation as well. Because even if you take the Bible as the unvarnished Word of God, then you're still going to have to interpretate some of it, because one thing in one book completely contradicts something in another book.

Yeah, it's like reading the diaries of Andy Dick. You know, like, I don't know. You know, like, oh, Andy was different on Tuesday. That's for sure. Andy's feeling real sorry on Thursday. Yes, he is. Evangelicals. The King James.

That's their version. Oh, yeah. And they love every word. Yeah. LeBron, man. I do love LeBron. Well, in addition to the schism within Puritanism, a royal decree opened the immigration of Massachusetts to all faiths, meaning Quakers and Baptists and the like were all starting

to fill New England. And when I say all faiths, I mean all Christian faiths. Yes. And there's a little bit, obviously, I'm real glad we didn't get too granular on this, because it does get pretty sleepy. But there is stuff that is kind of interesting that plays into it, the idea that, like, basically the Massachusetts colony was also getting, like, too rich and powerful on their own, separate away from England.

So then they have to figure out a new way to, like, rip apart the inner governments and these places being like, well, now they're basically forming their own country 1500 miles from us. Right. We need to figure out a way to kind of separate all this and dissipate their little colony. Yeah. Hey, what's up, everyone? How you doing?

Ben Kissel here with Henry Zabrowski. Yeah, it's me, man. Yeah, bro. Henry Zabrowski is smoking some of that sweet last podcast on the left, babe. Go out there and purchase yourself some. I hope you enjoy it. We have Sativa, we have Indica, and we have a hybrid. And I have to tell you, from my personal experience, they are wonderful.

Super tasty, live resin. You really get the delicious, weedy taste, which is what I like. And three different experiences. You go to your local vape store and get it. Absolutely. Thank you all so much for supporting the show. We absolutely love you. Can't wait to see you on the road and get that vape, put it in your brain and have a

good time. And if you want to set your favorite weed store, give them a call and ask for them by name. Last podcast on the left, it's weed. Hail yourselves, everyone. Hail Satan. Now, nobody told the Puritans they couldn't be Puritans anymore, but it was becoming obvious by the late 1600s that their status as top dog in charge of everything was soon

coming to an end. And really, the Puritans probably would have stayed in power for far longer than they did, if not for the Salem Witch Trials. As it is today with a decline in widespread freakout of evangelical Christians, the tighter the Puritans grasped, the faster everything slipped through their fingers. It's almost like minority rule over a group of people that all believe they're like 75% against what you believe, but you're in charge. And then the more you clamp down, it's sort of a rip society apart.

I could see that in this movie, Keanu, he just has one nugget. He doesn't even eat the Chinese food. It's just one chicken nugget. Oh, I mean, he eats. I thought you meant he had one testicle. I thought... And that was a character choice. Interesting.

But that's just more... That's his in his character. He goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet and just has a little bit. He just shows that's about control. Exactly. But outside of all the spiritual hand-wringing and environmental factors, New England in the late 1600s was also a horrifically violent place owing to the many frontier wars waged against the indigenous population.

By far the worst of these was King Philip's War, which lasted 14 months from 1675 to 1676. About 15 years before Salem. It's... It sounds pretty rough. Yeah. It was pretty violent. It's like our own version of Vietnam. But it was even more...

It was bad because they didn't even have machine guns, which kill you quick. This has got... This is just arrows... This is just hacking and slashing. And muskets, yeah. So you would just tell someone who was suffering from PTSD from Vietnam that they had it too good. You didn't really see a war.

You're getting a time machine. I'll show you a fucking war. We've actually covered King Philip's War once before. Some say that's why the Bridgewater Triangle is so haunted, because that's where King Philip's War took place. This war was a last-ditch effort by the Wampanoag and Narragansett peoples to stop English settlement. Specifically, the colonies targeted were founded by Puritans, who all believed that the natives of New England were heathens in league with Satan.

Satan! Satan! King Philip's War was the bloodiest per capita in United States history in terms of just sheer numbers killed. Half of the entire indigenous population of New England died from either war, disease, starvation, and hundreds upon hundreds of colonists died, and there weren't that many to begin with. So it sets a dark tone.

Yeah. Absolutely. And it also holds the distinction of being perhaps the goriest, most nightmarish war ever fought in America. I mean, yeah, the Civil War, it was fucking bad. It was horrible. Right. But King Philip's War is a fucking horror movie.

Yeah, people were just like, I was reading accounts of young women being like, I saw my brother falling on the field, and they were all the men with their hacksaws and their axes playing with his entrails. Oh. And you're like, cool. I mean, first, my first reaction was like, awesome. And you're like, oh, trauma. Well, I wonder, you probably learned a lot about the human body that way, don't you?

You do. You do. You do, though. The Wampanoag, they were interested in psychological warfare. Oh, yeah. They regularly mutilated the bodies of slain soldiers and colonists, hanging body parts from trees and sticking heads atop poles, in addition to sometimes wearing the body parts of the men they killed into their next battles.

See how I got that one dude's head on my head? That's kind of cool. That's kind of cool, right? He's just ahead of him. I think it's, I mean, if I was going into war, I'd be like, whoa, dude, bunch of leather faces out there, man. I think let's just not, let's not go to war today. Well, they were very much so outnumbered, and so they had to do, what they had to do

to try to figure out how do we not get steamrolled here? You got to go full Jeffrey Dahmer in prison. You got to lean in and scare the hell out of people. Well, in response, the Puritans came back disproportionately harder. They burned hundreds of old people, women, and children alive by setting the fort where they were hiding on fire. The Narragansans then took nine colonists to a place now called Nine Men's Misery, where those nine men were tortured then clubbed to death.

That's a good ladies-only bar name. Nine Men's Misery? Yeah. Just a bunch of dancers, Chippendales crying on stage. He's just behind us. Well, amongst those tortures was something called the gauntlet, wherein men were made to run naked through a row of natives while being whipped to tatters, after which flesh would be cut from their legs and fire would be inserted into the womb.

Near the end, the English soldiers were cutting the toes and fingers from Narragansans, breaking their legs and beating the brains out of their skulls. They did that in response to the further mutilation of bodies and hanging of even more body parts of the English. At this point, the Narragansans were hanging severed heads from trees by hooks like it was a fucking wax museum. Honestly, by the point, you're sitting there and be like, how do we top this? What else we do?

I got an idea. We take a tree. You know, these Christmas trees these guys like, right? We take some guts. We wrap it around the tree, perverse evil. I'm just spitting here. We make Christmas evil for them. They're scared of Christmas.

I mean, it might be the first ornament. Good be. Finally though, ooh, like pumpkin head. Yeah. Finally though, King Philip's war ended when the leader of the tribes, the titular King Philip, was hung, drawn and quartered and beheaded. For the next 20 years, Philip's head sat on a spike at Plymouth Colony, where it was seen by Puritans every single day.

Again, it's a dark fucking place. Hey, Philip, you got any gum? Real good stuff. Hey, you got any gum? Fantastic. It's just like literally a landmark where take a right by King Philip's head, the house will be on the left. Which for them to all know, it's for them to all understand, because that was during

the, it was not during the English Civil War, and that's what like, somewhat, it was more about the Narragansets than it was about the Puritans. It wasn't about this is what we'll do to you if you fuck up. This is about like, this is what we'll do to you if you attack us again, leave us the fuck alone. 20 years though, is it just a skull at the end or there's still some meat on that bone? It's probably skull. Is it naturally, am I kind of naturally preserved by the atmosphere or is it just a skull?

No, because Massachusetts get real humid, so that flesh is going to slide right off. Yeah, it's just a skull at that point. That's cool though. Yeah. Kinda. Yeah. Now to the Puritans, these bloody, costly, and destructive wars were proof that the Christian man in America was in spiritual decline.

Yes. And along with the bad weather, it all signaled that God's wrath was coming home to roost along with the devil's mischief. Yes, he's coming with his short, short, oh, oh, chocolate covered pretzels, two, three, wrapped into one, the devilish delight. I love it when there's salted pretzels, ooh, salted chocolate. So technically by this logic, God only reigns in Florida. Yes.

Because it's just beautiful weather, but I've been there. Yeah. It's the opposite of God's country. Hurricanes. Oh, that's very true. Yeah. God's going to get you. No matter where you go, God's going to get you.

Yay. Well, the last straw it seemed was the establishment of the Dominion of England, which brought New England back under British rule and threatened the Puritan dominance in the New World. You were like, fuck you, dude. Yeah. You were just like, all right, fuck it, because they were starting making their own country. I deal with this. I was trying to play Crusader Kings III.

Yeah. It's a difficult game. It's very complicated. These guys all started, you started the place, right? Yeah. And all these guys have the nerve to try to take over their own place. They're there doing all the work, cultivating all the fields, building all the cities, digging all the roads, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, these are my cities, these are my roads.

Every single war vet, again, who's out there asking for change because they have PTSD, I'm like, I played Call of Duty and I'm not out there. Think about me. Think about me. I'm fine. Why aren't you fine? The Dominion was only the latest in a long string of governmental changes because since its founding, Massachusetts had switched between being an independent and a royal colony several

times in just a few decades and each time it flipped, tax laws, property laws and religious laws changed, i.e. life sucks and everything is hard. Things were in total chaos. And things were unpredictable. But the one law that stayed the same throughout, no matter if the colony was English or independent, was thus. If any man or woman be a witch that is half all consulted with the Phinellia spirit, they shall be put to death.

That's the only law that's stuck. That's the only constant. The most abstract, bizarre law that's ever been written down. I'm sure there were a couple others, but that's the standout. Okay. Now, what's interesting about this colonial history is that one of the largest groups of accusers in Salem originally either hailed from Maine or had close family who had lived in Maine.

This was important because in 1689, about two or three years before Salem, three years before Salem actually, King Philip's War had a bit of a redo. I call it a remix. Yes. Is it a prequel? When the Wabanaki tribe laid waste to most of Maine's Puritan settlements, capturing or killing 300 colonists and reducing pretty much every settlement to ash or what is it good for?

That's right. The economy. Yes, that's right. Those who escaped ended up in Massachusetts with many settling in or around Salem, seemingly chased out of their land, but by what they were told were minions of the devil and also very fucking crazy PTSD on top of that. You've got this insane PTSD seeing people murdered and all kind of like, I'm just really fucking murdered.

Your home is burnt to the ground and also the devil is real. The devil is real. Every single spirit is real. Every single place you go into the woods at night, there's no lights, it's pure black of night every time you go outside of your house and the winters are horrible, the summers are even worse. There's a lot going on. There is a lot of misery, it sounds like.

Now, the insane trauma of King Philip's War was still very much in living memory. It was only 15 years before. When you combine that with the current trauma of another frontier war, you had a lot of people with PTSD who believed that these wars were happening because God was pissed they didn't go to church enough. Do you remember the Black Plague when they tried to do that too? They said that. That's a great idea.

It keeps coming up. You want to get everyone together, screaming in a tight room. It's always remember like, yes, it's basically just saying like, I know, I know the ocean has taken Florida back, but you got to stay on the Patreon. Listen, I know, things are okay, but honestly, we got new, we got stickers coming out. Yeah, absolutely. Well, furthermore, the native population had formed alliances with the much hated French. The French?

They're the French. Yeah. Were they always hated? The English always hated them. It's because they had that was the war, the red roses, they were so many wars between England and France. So many. They're just fucking not.

It's just right there, you know, because the English are there right there, the French are right there. Just fucking be chill as hell. I don't know, man. I think it's genetic because the French still look at me and they just instinctively hate me. I don't know what it is. I think it was because you were going through a clam phase when you met most of the French

people you knew. But what does that have to do with it? Yeah. The French don't mind glam. Yeah, the French would love glam. You were too sexual for them. You thought that you were too sexual to be an American. No, the French are all about lures.

They were jealous. And then when I talk to them and Texas accent comes out, it really, it confuses them and therefore they get angry. Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure it's on, they hit you with a fucking baguette. I don't know what happens to which French culture we're about to go. We are. I can't wait.

French bread, it's so good. Additionally, there's just bread. No, I know. Like we make, we call it French bread because we sell the fucking huge ones. Yeah, it's bacon. It's Canadian bacon. It's bacon. It's bacon.

You fucking troll. It's a specific cut of bacon. It's pemeal bacon. Pemeal. That's what it's called. It's called Canadian, please. Additionally, the only remaining minister in Maine with unquestioned Puritan credentials was killed in a Wabanaki raid, signaling more than anything else that the devil was winning

the war. Man, just lean in, bro. Yeah. Just fucking, you get bikinis. They could have gotten bikinis in 1700s. Yeah. Sounds like it was freezing cold. I know.

Oh, yeah. I guess in Massachusetts, no, because in Massachusetts you get to Kennebunkport. Yeah, you go down there. Yeah. You go down to Alda Haban. No, that's in Maine. No, that's in Maine. I just know you don't go down that road.

Don't go down that road. Wow, guys. It took 500 episodes for you guys finally to do racist access. We did not research the Maine. Don't go down that road now. That's Maine. But what was the nice thing in New England? That there was a pot?

Pot? Right there. What do you got? Oh, Jesus. What's that? Cod. I do get a New Hampshire. I don't fucking know.

We were not New Englanders. You know what I mean? Because I'm just constantly replaying John Cena's theme song in my head throughout this entire series. What is it? Dun-dun-dun-dun. No. It's brutal.

Dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun. Worst. It's John Cena. That's just three on two. No, it's notes. What does he say?

What is this catch phrase? You didn't do that. Hey, I'm not that guy. You can't see me. Can't see me. Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess. Peek-a-boo.

Is that it? Dun-dun-dun. Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. He's just fucking pulling their car to oncoming traffic. John. They're writing the reviews. He's the greatest wrestler.

The head of the tribune. This is the one moment he's heard of the show. Newspapers are dead. Yeah, good. Good. Yeah, thank God. Well, perhaps not coincidentally, though, the killing of the last Puritan minister in Maine occurred in January of 1692, just when the first afflicted ensalem began showing the

more intense symptoms of bewitchment. Now, prior to the witch hysteria, Puritan ministers tried strengthening their grip on the colony by enforcing laws against blasphemy, cursing, profane swearing, lying, unlawful gaming, Sabbath-breaking, idleness drunkenness, and uncleanliness. That is Kissel's entire life. I think I was like Marty McFly slowly being erased from that picture. I could just see my entire essence disappearing. But no, they thought the best way to do this, again, is clamp.

Let's clamp down on them. Well, I mean, you also got to remember, with Puritans, it wasn't necessarily cynical. I mean, these are people who believe that the devil is real. They're trying to stim the tide of the devil. Real question, what could they do? You literally just listed what humans do. Yes. What could they do?

They could pray. They could go to the tavern and have a beer. They could up their exports. I was reading this one thing. Yeah, commerce. Yeah. Not to put the money into it, but the idea I was reading in this history of the Christians being labeled as cannibals and demons.

The first guys that got were the guys that, it was a series of guys that were weavers that revolutionized stuff. This is fascinating. Yeah, weavers. Anytime you say the word weavers, I'm fucking, I'm in it, bro. Settlers of a catan, I don't want to be here. You did this to me, Marcus. I used to be cool.

You really did. Tell me more about weavers. Please. Ah, fuck. No, don't blame settlers of catan on me. That's holding. Well, I don't play settlers of catan because you can't kill. Yeah, that's true.

Well, the Puritans were able to enforce these laws, I mean, basically legislating morality because they just overthrown English governor Sir Edmund Andros, who had received the displeasure of the Puritans, partly for his failed campaign against the Wabanaki in Maine. Now, after Andros was gone, the Crown instituted a sort of middle ground between soul Puritan sovereignty and soul English rule. Because during Andros's reign, he had welcomed in Quakers, he had welcomed in Baptists. He had actually founded the first church of England in Boston, so it's not just the Puritans anymore.

Sounds like this guy's a real liberty. He was trying to do the thing which works, which is like, let's bring in a very group of people to help the society. A bunch of different people doing different jobs, different backgrounds, let's open it up and... I mean, it's not that big of a tent, it's still just white Christians. Yes, bigger tent than it was. Yes.

Now, basically, you know, the middle ground between soul Puritan sovereignty and soul English rule basically this meant that Puritans had to live under English law, but they could enforce those laws through Puritan rule, which is sort of how we have freedom of religion in America, but our judicial and legislative branches are currently governed from either the perspective or the strong influence of evangelical Christianity. I certainly hope that everything doesn't fall apart because of it. I mean, we have active people in power wanting to bring theocracy to America, so it happens. It's a constant struggle, is it not?

I would say bring theocracy back to America, because the Puritans were very much a theocracy. Before Andros brought in all of this, like it was by law that you had to be a Puritan to live in Massachusetts. You had to attend church service. You had to be a Puritan. You couldn't vote if you weren't a Puritan. You couldn't own land if you weren't a Puritan. That's Massachusetts.

I'm talking federal government. I'm talking federal government. I'm talking the federal government. It sounds like you're suffering. I'm going to get preserving. Well, okay. Put it this way. You could be a Quaker in Massachusetts by law in 1692.

That was allowed, but your beliefs were not represented in the Puritan government. And you may, in fact, even be despised by that government, even though the Puritans in charge were quickly fading away into the minority. Do you get aroused if you see a pig wag his tail so you can see his butt hole? You might be a Quaker. I see Puritans love a good joke. I love it. I had to Puritan joke.

It's a great joke. But concerning the government in Massachusetts, when the witch accusations kicked off, there really wasn't one to speak of outside of the local municipalities who handled their own problems and enforced their own rules. This was because the government in 1692, at least early 1692, it was still in transition to the middle ground charter. In other words, nobody is in charge. People are scared.

The devil is real. Life sucks. And everything is hard. It keeps building. It really does. And the fact that there was no charter, there were no, they literally had just gotten rid of all of the laws. So they had to figure it out.

There was just kind of some main kind of hangover from the previous administration, the people that were running it. But they had yet to, when all of this started happening, they had yet to start a new constitution for themselves. So they were just fucked. It's like halfway through the movie Animal House when their charter is revoked, but they have a great time. But it seems like they didn't have a great time.

They had fun with it. Besides some of the light sexual assault that's in the film, they actually had fun in it. It sounds like it could have been a great time for music. It seems like everything is going horrible. But the devil is real. But why didn't someone just pick up a violin and start shredding? Chunky. Chunky flute was all over it.

They had Puritans actually, they had singing at church. Yeah. Well, the violin didn't really come to America until you started having Irish immigrants coming over. Yeah, you fucking idiot. And at the same time, that's when the banjo started coming. The banjo was brought by Africans. And then those two things.

Listen to this guy. You fucking idiot. Oh, Mr. Ryan. All your violin. And those are the two things that combined to form country music. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. I watched Kim Burns' country music.

I know these things. I love that documentary. Oh, yeah. From the simple bump on top of a basket to a long leg man and all of them. Country music was the rage across this great nation of ours. And over the next 429 hours, I would describe each button, each tremulous note on a man. The country music documentary was 16 hours long. Because it was amazing.

It was. Just interview Ken Burns and my friend, yes, you do sound like him a little bit, but because it's the details. Yeah. It is the details. But on the other hand, I will say that that documentary didn't go into outlaw country enough. Not enough details on outlaw country.

Because he didn't like cocaine, you know, Ken probably didn't, I can't imagine that he related. Yeah. The Wayland and Merrill and all that David. He's a sweet man. Yes, he is. Well, all of this is to say that life for a devout Massachusetts Puritan in 1692 was a highly anxious existence.

And Salem, rural backwater that it was, had the reputation of being even more anxious and even more combative than the rest of Massachusetts. It was a pain in the ass town full of pain in the ass people who all pretty much hated each other. Sitcom. See in the 1650s and 1660s, Salem became a town more associated with commerce than farming, which caused a rift between town residents and farm residents. Just team up.

Yeah. I don't get it. Team up. Nope. Resentments grew and the founding families became alienated from the newcomers. This is just one of the first schisms that will rip Salem apart. Okay. Schism is actually really, it's a, schisms happen a lot during this whole time period.

It seems like it. Everyone's coming up with new shit, you know, everyone's trying to figure out what this new era of the world is going to be, this new era of humanity, you know, things it's after the Enlightenment, it's after all this shit, you know, they're reading Thomas Payne. I don't know what the fuck's going on now. Better not make it any fun. Yeah, definitely not.

Don't want that. Well, after that, the smaller Salem settlements formed into their own towns, raising their own taxes and hiring their own ministers, which caused even more disputes. That however, didn't solve anything internally because disputes in the Salem area occurred on even a level as micro as the local meeting house. See if you wanted to worship and fellowship in rural colonial Massachusetts, you'd go to the meeting house at the center of each town. This was where villagers received communion and baptized their children.

Okay. Puritan stance, they had a much, that was one of the things that they rebelled against was the rigid things and the amount of rituals that the Catholic church did, because they mounted it to idolatry. You were not supposed to be taking the Eucharist all the time. They felt that it was a thing you did once or twice a year, like it was for those that were truly saved. They were the ones that were really kind of a part of it.

They felt that the Catholics were far too brazen, allowing anybody to take the Eucharist. And they also... Well, you've got to be Catholic though. But they also felt that when you knelt and you believe like the idea of like, that they, Eucharist became the blood and the flesh of Christ, which is what the Catholics believe. And that if you kneel at it, you're worshiping the Eucharist, which they also felt was idolatry. And so they kept it, their thing was like, societally, it's real tight. But ritually, it's real loose.

Like we just kind of throw it out there. Baptism is the most important thing. And then go in a supper. Yeah. You're going to want to have supper. What's a supper? Transmutation. Transmutation.

I believe it's transmutation. Yeah, transubstantiation. Transubstantiation. Yeah. There we go. I remember Catholic school with the Puritans. They were focused on the important shit. The seating chart.

Oh, no. It's never changed in the New England. It hasn't changed ever since they've been good food. The fights that must happen at New England weddings. And I can already see their great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughters right now, the head of the HOA, driving everyone fricking insane. Oh my God. I mean, really a lot of the disagreements in Salem.

It's HOA shit. It's a lot, it's these really petty, small grievances that fucking add up. It's slow. You're going to want to notice your fence is not quite high enough and I can see you changing. Yeah. I watch you change every day and it should be illegal to watch how slowly you put on a pair of pants.

Oh. Well, seating in the meeting house was not first come, first serve, but assigned and based on social rank. See, I'm actually not against this because I don't like the Southwest Airlines approach. I don't like to have to fight for my seat, but I also don't like the idea of it being like a hierarchy, but also I like a good assigned seat. Complicated. But that's the thing is that you chose that seat when you bought that airline ticket.

They did not choose that for you. These are being, the seating here is being chosen for you. But it's still assigned. It's very much open. It's like how you get invited to what you find out about like quote unquote Hollywood show business parties that you find out a lot of times you're invited to certain levels. Yeah. Like, oh, you got that red band.

Great. You can come to this small bar. Unfortunately, if you want to go to that other place, you're going to need a turquoise band as well. And then you find out like how low you are on the totem pole by where you're allowed to drink one watered down whiskey drink. Absolutely. Which is why you should never go to those things.

Well, the wealthy were at the front and everyone else was behind them and the children, servants and enslaved people were all up in the balconies. The seating custom, however, brought its own problems in 1680 and Andover where many later witchcraft accusations would occur, remember, it wasn't just Salem, a new meeting house was built, which meant a new seating plan. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. You just got this fucking figured out.

You didn't fucking think about that, Larry. Hey, Larry, you didn't think about that, did you? Listen, okay. No seats. Everybody stands. No seats. Fuck everybody. How where do they stand?

This set neighbor upon neighbor in yet another friction inducing incident. Ken, this is so fucked up where it's just like, it's this tiny, these are the tiny things that led up to mass execution. It's crazy how simple it all is. Oh, it's very small. It's very silly. And remember, this is a community. These communities are at most 500 people.

Salem was about 500. Sounds like they're all Milton from office space. She's like, if I get to be in the cut to middle, I can I'm going to fuck you up. It is like that because again. If I'm in the middle, I'll see one more fucking time. These are the last little things that give them any form of status or hold in their society and they are all because again, the crops are fucked. They are, they are in total absolute chaos.

And remember, they are also, they're importing all of their food, all of their food steps are being imported. So you have, you have insane inflation, you have depression. They're fighting these frontier wars. The fucking colonial government is like printing more and more money off, which makes it even worse. Like everything is fucked. So this is the only thing you got.

Yeah. I sat in row B. Remember, everyone here is living under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure just to survive everyday life. Every day is a gift to these people. And additionally, doesn't sound like a gift, sounds like a fucking, that's what it sounds like. Yeah.

Any day you don't choke on your own fucking flim, that is a good day. Nice. Additionally, these people were not living anywhere even close to modern New England. If you've ever been out in those forests or even driven through New England at night, you can attest that it can be a terrifying place. And it's said that New England felt haunted even before so many colonists and indigenous people died out there. That's why Ted Kennedy did what he did.

Yeah. Left that woman to die. He was so scared of the ghosts. Oh, he was. That was the thing. As soon as the girl was dying, he was sitting there and then like he saw them. I got to get out of here. Oh no.

And then he could never be president, he just had to be a senator for 50 GD years. Oh, that's all. And since people were already living under such a constant state of anxiety, the small frictions that naturally occur between neighbors became highly contentious, spiteful, and as serious as life and death. This was all made worse, of course, by the fact that the Puritans of Salem couldn't hold on to a minister willing to put up with their shit to save their lives. Because as I said, many of them, if not most of them, were panes in the ass.

Do you remember what it would be like to be a mod in a Facebook group in the early 2000s, mid 2000s? It's like, it's that. You're just looking at a bunch of people all ready and everybody's throats about the dumbest shit possible while everything is falling apart. And also it's further evidence that the minister indeed is a human position and you can just see these ministers like, y'all are fucking nuts, huh? So I'm just going to go, I'm going to take my God and go.

I'm going to go. Because also what's weird too is that because they so were, they were truly, they were anti the idea that they're like gatekeepers to God. They were very anti that. So it's kind of funny how these pastors in their world were still important, even though like, you know, they didn't, they weren't the God's X men like priests were in the Catholic church. But they're meant to be community leaders.

Yeah. Like these guys are there to soothe tensions. That's what they're supposed to do. Right. But in Salem, they were quite the hard cat to tame. In 1684. It's hard to tame a cat. I know it's hard to tame a cat.

That's exceptionally hard to tame. Yeah, a feral cat. I'd say a feral cat. I don't know why the fuck I said that, but a feral cat is very difficult to tame. It is. It was a hard horse to make dance. Absolutely. Especially if it wants to dance backwards.

In 1684, Salem hired a minister named Deodat Lawson, who in his attempt to unify the village only made enemies. Faction formed both in support and in defiance of Reverend Lawson, which introduced new divisions into a community that already had too many to keep track of. How am I doing? How am I doing? How am I doing? Listen, I'm sorry I put in benches instead of individual chairs and you all have to share

the benches and you're not sure where your butt, where the territory, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually Mary gained 15 pounds. Yeah. And her, she's in mice. That's rude by the way. No. She's in mice. That's rude.

She's coming into mice. I just, Mary's sitting for two now. Can you move her? Mary, will you get up and allow Samantha? She's in mice. Lawson though, he left after his wife and child died in Salem. Jesus. Life is hard and everything sucks.

All right. He had been the third minister to serve in Salem Village in 16 years. This was a time and place, a minister's average time of service in a town, 22 years. Wow. And they've gone through three in 16. So they just get all the guys that have reached the end of their career, they just get all of the whoever wants the shitty assignment. Well it's whoever is kind of new and doesn't really give a shit, you know, and that's how

they got minister number four, a lantern jawed, pain in the ass who fit right in, named Samuel Paris. I've heard this name before. Yeah, fuck this fucking guy. I hate this guy. He's the worst. Also, he's a failed businessman. Like he's art.

Like, pastor is like the third thing he's done in life. Okay. Life from your grave. A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes. He's just trying to warn you of the bridge. The bridge.

Finally, from the caffeine abled brains of Spring Hill Jack coffee and last podcast on the left. Bre bring you Mothman's red eye blend. Yes. Delicious Panama beans. Go to last podcast merch.com to order yours today. Now Paris came in hard immediately demanding a higher salary than the last guy dared at Lawson so he could quote unquote, help the community prosper.

Oh, that only makes sense to give him more money than all it's about to you and certainly not about me. So we're going to give you more money to help us. The whole thing is when you give me money. Yeah. Don't you want to see me smile? I love it. That really helps me get in here and go, oh, you're a bunch of bitches and you should

all be killed by the Lord. And then if there's a big storm, you'll help us out, right? Like we can come here and seek shelter. Like the preacher keep himself safe first because I need to honestly, it's better for me to meet God if we die first and then I can help you get all in there. You know. Awesome. Here's all our money because we don't have a lot to begin with.

Well, additionally, Paris also demanded free firewood so he could quote unquote, write his sermons at night. Oh, now we're going to deal with your insomnia after eight months of negotiating on how many ducats they'd give him or pounds by this point, how many pounds, how much free firewood would, how often she and the village finally agreed on a price. Samuel Parris began preaching in Salem in November of 1689, less than three years before the trials that made Salem infamous began. Now immediately, Samuel Parris told his parishioners that he was going to crusade for moral reformation

and he was going to increase church membership. At the same time though, Parris, a Puritan hardliner, had refused the only thing that made increasing Puritan membership feasible. That was the halfway covenant. Yeah, dude. Okay, what's that? You got a coupon for half off your soul. Okay.

See, because Puritans had the well-deserved reputation as strict reactionaries, their numbers had quickly declined within a single generation in America. We went through all the reasons why. By 1662, 30 years before Salem, the Puritans were so desperate to bring back members that they came up with a highly confusing compromise called the halfway covenant. It's called the family plan. Yeah. Okay, this is great.

This, I think, said that children of non-members could be baptized into the church, making their parents partial members who could participate in every aspect of Puritan worship except partaking in the Lord's Supper. Okay. They call it communion. Sure. Well, they also didn't. It's like, they didn't have to come to church all the time.

So basically, you kind of get off the hook for some of the more stricter provisions of being a Puritan, but you're also allowed to get baptized, which allows you to vote. Awesome. And be within the culture. It makes all the sense in the world, definitely in all knowing, all powerful God would come up with this. Yeah. They always come up with really minute, specific jurisprudence.

That's how you know it's genuinely from the Lord. Absolutely. Not at all a human creation. No. No. Well, appropriately, of the five Puritan ministers accused of witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials, five ministers, all five had accepted the halfway covenant. While Samuel Parris, arguably the driving spiritual force of the trials, was a staunch

opponent. It's like he helped make it all happen, but then kind of got away without it fucking with him at all. Weird. Now, by Parris' second year in Salem, he'd only gained seven new members. But they're big. As you can see, if you look at each one, each one is fairly large, so some stand for at least three.

Pound for pound. Absolutely. This was far less than he'd promised. And the parishioners he'd started with only showed up to church every once in a while because nobody really liked Samuel Parris. He wasn't good at it. No. As a result, Parris did what many religious leaders in decline do.

What do you think, Ben? What do you think he did? What do you think he did? He's going to assume he said, you can come in and you can have more wine. Interesting. More wine? More wine. More wine.

Two words. Bikini car wash. Bikini car wash. It is so funny to me, growing up religious, when people go to churches and they scout pastors. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But then some pastors were like, I just didn't like his delivery.

Yeah. He was like someone going to see stand up and be like, he's no fluffy. They look at it because again, he is a, especially in this time period, he's the central figure of your whole life. Yeah. Like you go and you're supposed to like this guy. It's the radio. You got to see him like two times a week.

You got to go and listen to him. I mean, yeah, it is like a say, like imagine going to see a stand up comic you don't like for an hour or twice a week. It's called being a stand up. Yeah. I mean, he's all he is. Well, no, he did not do bikini car wash. Oh, well.

He did not say more free wine. He turned up the volume on the paranoia and fear. He gave warlike sermons in which Jesus Christ was not a prince of peace, but a champion of conquest and an enemy of evil. Also folks, you're going to want to invest in your tactical bath. I got a tactical bath here as you can tell my skin is falling off my body. Having it in there for seven days. Yes, indeed.

Samuel Parris, as I said, he was not popular in Salem and near the end of 1691, just a few months before the first afflicted appeared, quite a few people in Salem got tired of Parris's shit. They're about to go through number four in 18 years. But since they couldn't fire Parris outright for whatever reason, they elected instead to just stop paying him. Yeah, maybe you'll leave. Yeah, maybe you'll leave.

And they also cut off all his firewood just before a New England little Ice Age winter began. Oh, my poor, my poor wrists. What am I supposed to do? I just will, all right, some of these trees are old. Hopefully, maybe I could just push and give it a push. Sevens. I do love they just stop paying him and be like, you'll leave.

We know how to get rid of these pastors. There were a few people backing Samuel Parris, mostly those who were the most devout and hardline. Sour-faced old bitches. Yeah, partly. So instead of soothing tensions, Parris doubled down and only made the divisions in Salem worse by demonizing those who would stand against him. Although it's like every single time I used to go, like my mom used to sing in the Christmas

choir and at the one time I would enter a church to support my mother right now. I would love to see that. And she loved it. How was your voice? My mom has a beautiful voice. Oh, she does. Runs to the family. All the Zabraskis have a great singing voice.

She's got to be. She was a train singer. She went to college for music. That's what she was supposed to do. Fantastic. And she ended up with you. Yep. She's thankful.

But I remember going into the church and it was just like, you know, again, obviously this is when I were past being a Satanist or whatever. And I'm looking at the, every single time the priest would just ball everybody out for the only time people come is at Christmas. And I was like, you fucking moron, you should be crushing it right now. Absolutely. You should be making us laugh, making us cry, because then you're not all you do is bitch us out every single time we come to the fucking church.

I'm not coming back here. That's a little lesson as well. Speaking of stand-up comedy, if there's four people there, don't crucify them for showing up. No, we play the crowd. Play to the ground. That's there. Well, Paris raised the stakes even higher in October of 1691, just a few months before

the accusations began when the perfect scapegoat appeared in nearby Chelmsford. It's probably Helmsford or Helmsford or something awful. There. Fantastic. There, a woman named Martha Sparks, which is my new female alias, by the way. Oh, yeah. Martha Sparks. Martha Sparks and Martha Sparks, do you wed?

Yes. Yes. Do you see that picture that we put up for the socials? I've seen me as a woman. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. I would have been a pretty girl. But you was wasted on being a man.

Unfortunately. We've asked you to be a woman a lot. You really have? Yeah. I wish. It's my choice. Well, Martha Sparks was charged with witchcraft and sent to prison. Now, once Paris heard of this diabolical infection just 30 or so miles away, he began

to carefully calculate his sermons with the purpose of scaring his opponents into ending their opposition by saying the devil was coming for Salem. Look, he's over there. Whoa. Sorry. I'm sorry. That was Brian. Why are you crouching?

Oh, we should. We need toilets. What is happening here? It is a horrible time to be alive. But interesting. So it wasn't Salem. That was the first witch. The first witch wasn't detected in Salem.

It was 30 miles out. Yeah. It really was. Oh. Now, if Samuel Parris was a fearmonger on the pulpit, one can only imagine what kind of anxiety monster he was at home. Someone bent the broccoli. It's the devil himself.

Broccoli wasn't invented yet. I mean, it wasn't invented. Broccoli wasn't invented. Huh. It was... All right. When? No, broccoli is man-made.

It came around in the 60s. It comes out when was broccoli invented? 1960s. Sixth century. Whatever. It was around. It was not around. You got the sixth, right?

No, it was not around. It was first introduced to England in the mid-18th century. Yeah. So it wasn't around. I guess it wasn't around then. I guess it wasn't. I'm so fucking sorry. My little act out.

But was it... Historically perfect. It was introduced to England in the 1800s. Was it introduced by America? Was it introduced... No, we didn't have it. Much like the tomato was an American fruit first. Okay, let's just move on.

The tomato? I'm gonna end this whole show. They didn't have anything. Well, it's almost certain that Samuel Parris believed his own bullshit. Therefore, the Parris household was one of stress. Stress about Parris' salary, stress about their dwindling supply of firewood in the face of winter, and the stress of believing that the patriarch was preparing himself to have a personal battle with the devil.

Oh my gosh. Most likely, this was all Samuel Parris talked about at home. So it is certainly not a coincidence that the first to be afflicted by witchcraft in Salem was Samuel Parris' daughter and niece. Because one thing we'll talk about in this society is that, again, children especially were to be seen and not heard. They were a part of the workforce. They were barely people.

They were barely people. And so I think that there is a stripe. I did start reading another book on the Salem witch trials that I think was called The Witches that kind of talked a little bit about that and this idea that, you know, it kind of become a way for you to say like, hello, father, will you please pay attention to me? Will you say hello to me? Right. And then you start to play into his fantasy a little bit.

Now, how you getting to his hobby? Yeah. That's what it is. Witchcraft is technically dad's hobby. Well, beginning in the fall of 1691, the two young girls began subtly twitching almost constantly. Are you sure they just weren't on TikTok? Get out of here.

That soon evolved into the violent jerking of body parts and frequent verbal outbursts. Eventually, they got worse when one girl woke to find her jaw jutting forward uncontrollably, all while her face contracted in spasms. The children soon began saying that they were being bitten by invisible specters and their arms, necks, and backs twisted and contorted in ways that were seemingly impossible all while they convulsed uncontrollably. It's because he's never seen dancing. You know, he's never seen anybody do vigorous things besides with a scythe.

Well, this is something that Natalie actually taught me on the ride back from San Diego is that it's not that contortionism is impossible, it's just that your brain is telling you don't do that. You're going to hurt yourself, so the contortion training is what you're basically training your nervous system to be chilled with you challenging it. But these girls, you know, in the throes of whatever was happening to them, they were able to bypass that neurological function. They were sometimes unable to talk, their throat sometimes became choked, and they reported

that pins were being stuck into their flesh, all while specters, only they could see, pinch them repeatedly. And pinching, by the way, that could be anything from a little St. Patrick's Day tweak to agonizing torture. Don't touch me on St. Patrick's fucking day. What is the sin? I've never heard of that. Well, you never heard of that.

You get pinched if you don't wear green. If you don't wear green. On St. Patrick's Day? Yeah. I guess I always wear green. Have you ever heard of that? That is the only thing about St. Patrick's Day that you know when you're a child. I've never heard of that.

Well, the thing is, I feel like the pinching, it's crazy. The pinching was a thing that you've never heard of that. Certain areas of the world I think it's more talked about in terms of being appropriate to fucking pinch somebody. It's like birthday spanks. Remember those? Yeah. Do you know how many men convinced me I was supposed to get those?

No, that was a kid. The other, like you didn't get pinched in the nipple or anything or your bottom. I mean, I got fucking, I did get, what was it, what would they call it? Purple nerpel? Purple nerpel. Yeah. Yeah. That's because I have big old voluptuous titties and people can't, can't keep their

hands off it. Especially other little boys because they don't fucking understand body autonomy. It's a rite of passage. Yeah. Now upon seeing all this, Samuel Parris could only come to the conclusion of witchcraft. So he brought a doctor to inspect the girls, a one Dr. Griggs. This is Dr. Griggs. Sweet.

He too decided that the girls had come under an evil hand. Come on, let's take a look at this. Well, you act a little bit too rock and roll to be normal. These days, most specialists agree that these girls and many of the afflicted who came after may have been suffering from a condition called conversion disorder. Which is it's basically physicalized fear and anxiety. It's kind of what we talked about how like this, the concept of like letting yourself go crazy finally.

Like there's a good thing. It's not like that. No, it's not about letting yourself go crazy. As you get older, I know. But I'm like, I feel like as the accusations increase, there's something about this idea of like giving yourself into the freedom of like, I'm crazy and just ready to go. Well, absolutely. And of course, in the evangelical belief, there's a lot of absolute freaking out going

on. Oh yeah. So, conversion disorder suggests that a person's anxiety, stress and trauma can be converted into a very real and uncontrollable physical affliction like the ones exhibited by Samuel Parris' daughter and niece. High stress. Yeah, high stress. And I'm sure conversion disorder is probably been discounted or whatever.

We're probably going to get a bunch of emails or something, but it is a theory. It's a Freudian thing. If you're super stressed out, yeah, it's just like, ah. Yeah, there's a lot of fucked up things that you can exhibit. Like rashes and ticks, it's still now. Yeah. So, what we're going to do after the Salem-Witch trials is the possibility that in rare cases, conversion disorder can spread to other susceptible people like a virus.

It's like a sort of anxiety as contagion. Next to episode, I plan to go in a little bit more about mass hysteria and what its origins are. Well, additionally, hyperventilation caused by fear can produce some of the other effects that were back then scientifically known as bewitchment. Hyperventilation can produce a cramped throat, suffocation, fainting, and extreme cases, seizures. In our voice class and college, they made us hyperventilate.

Wow. How'd it go? Stupid. Okay. How does it help acting? I don't know. It sounds awful. It sounds all about being vulnerable.

I think it's as used to tell us, breathe with our buttholes. Is that right? Wink it. Yep. Oh, my God. Look at me now. You see how I... Wow.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm way open. No, it just seems like it gets stuck. I can feel it pushing up against my butthole. Okay. All right. Well, let's just use our mouth in our voice.

It seems like that was better. Well, once the fear that causes these symptoms causes real pain, it confirms the sufferer's original fears, which in turn intensifies the pain, catching the sufferer in an ever-quickening vicious cycle. From the Paris Girls, the witchcraft hysteria slowly began to spread. On January 12th, 1692, a woman named Alice Parker was lying in the dirt and snow in Salem town, seemingly dead. Goodwife Parker had a history of, quote-unquote, fits of unconsciousness.

Yeah, sometimes I go to sleep. That's it. I'm not just going to sleep. They don't know what happened to me. I fell out of a car. But ever since then, sometimes I just go to sleep, you know, that's me. You got to take a nap sometimes. You know what I found was fun about these times is that a lot of people could died from falling

out of carts. I bet. What? Yeah, I think if you fell out of the front and the wheels crushed you, you would have trampled on the horses. Yeah. You want to sit in there. Yeah.

Sit down. It's not comfortable. Grab something. Well, back then, I mean, we know this woman was suffering from epilepsy, you know, and back then epilepsy was seen as a sign of the devil. And the men who were called to help this poor woman were scared to touch her because they might get some of the devil on them. You're not going to get the devil on you.

Yeah. Finally, though, the men mustered up enough courage to carry her home and put her in bed. But as they tucked her in, she very suddenly sat up and began laughing uncontrollably. It's a dead eye. She's a dead eye. Yeah. So cool. And the villagers, they weren't far off from that conclusion.

But while this wasn't specifically attached to witchcraft just yet, it certainly increased tensions in town. Remember, man, this is still like we've ever been to the area. It's scariest. So fucking creepy. It's creepy. And so this type of shit, like on some level, it's funny to me, like imagining her springing up, but also just the idea of a woman stiff as a board that you could be dead.

And then you all like put her in, you're all deeply afraid of her because anything out of the normal is the work of the devil. She could be evil dead. Now by February of 1692, Samuel Parris was firmly convinced that his daughter and niece were bewitched. I am firmly convinced. But because God waits for no man, Samuel and his wife traveled to a neighboring village one day to attend a religious sermon in another town.

Okay. You're twisting and shoving and yelling and cursing, okay, well, I have a gig. You get to yes. So all of this would have been that, and I will be back, okay? You keep seasoning until I get back, okay? Because I still want to make sure the devil's inside of you when you're back because that gives me something to do. Fascinating.

Well, while they were gone, the two afflicted girls spoke with a neighbor named Mary Sibley. And Mary Sibley told them that if they really wanted to figure out if they were being plagued by a witch, they needed to practice a little magic of their own. They needed to bake a witch cake. Now they all became witches. What's a witch cake? Ooh, you'll love this. A witch cake was a loaf of rye bread mixed with the urine of the afflicted and baked into

hot ashes. Yeah, you got to get the girls to piss in the bread. Yeah. And then you come to piss in a bowl and you pour it into the bread. Hey, man. I mean, I've seen the documents, but I just don't think it's that cake. There's more than one way to get the piss out of a girl, but it's, I could say the different meaning of cake.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, the cake was then fed to the family dog. What? And when the day the baby bread. Don't do that. But then I actually don't know what the dog does to then find the witch.

Well, what the dog does when the dog eats the loaf, it's supposed to hurt the witch because you're being eaten, you know, because the witch might then reveal itself because it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt the dog. Well, basically if the witch sent evil to torture these girls, then part of that witch would be in the evil that afflicted them, which was inside their bodies. But if you removed a part of their bodies, in this case, urine, you could bake it into

a cake and feed it to the dog to torment the tormentor and thereby identify them. It doesn't have to make sense. Okay. Only just because it doesn't. Yeah. It didn't really work that way. It doesn't do anything. Yeah.

Well, it didn't really even work the way it was supposed to in Salem, even though it did work. I mean, blood would be more of the body. Yeah. But then you got to hurt them. If you just pee-pee, you're going to be pee-pee in like multiple times a day. Yeah. Everybody pee-pees like 15, 20 times a day.

I don't have diabetes. Of course. Now, up till this point, witchcraft was a very abstract thing to these first two affected girls. But in the baking of the witch cake, magic became very real and physicalized, which only made things worse. Because now we're all in this game together. Yeah.

You just know for a fact there was some chubby boy who went to eat the cake and then they're looking at him like, buddy, you don't want to eat that cake. What's wrong? I don't know if this cake- That would be actually really nice. This is a really good cake. It's nice. Once the Paris family dog ate the cake, the two afflicted girls cried out that their

tormentor was within their own household. Whoa! According to them, the person behind the torture was one of the two people enslaved by Samuel Parris. I forgot to mention he's also a slave owner. Oh, yes. Oh, you forgot to mention that. But that's totally legal, so it's cool.

Oh, okay. Her name was Tituba, and she had been singled out as the witch, most likely because she had been the one to bake the witch cake, making her the closest thing to a witch at hand. Even though you asked her to do it. Yeah, that's ridiculous. And Tituba- Told her to do it. Obviously, it's the one and one you'd call of what we said at the very top, the quote-unquote

usual suspects, because she is the help. She is the person that comes. And so immediately, they're the first people suspected of witchcraft. It ain't right. Now, while we don't know much about Tituba's origins, she was most likely born in either the Caribbean or Florida and was brought to New England by Samuel Parris from Barbados. However, Tituba was not of African origin, despite how she's often portrayed in movies and films and stage.

Rather, Tituba was- I think Tituba. Tituba. Because Tituba- Tituba. Tituba sounds like- Yeah. Tituba.

Now, I'm remembering why I'm saying Tituba is because that's how me and my buddy Wes used to say it in high school when we studied the crucible, and we would just drive around in my truck and just scream Tituba at each other. Oh, Tituba! You have to have a lot of fun with that. Yeah, because it's fun. It's the childish way to have fun. They say the word tit in there.

Yeah, because that's why it's funny, because it also sounds like a tit-tuba, which is a tuba made of tits. Oh, no, I'm following you, friend. It's your organic tit that you blow on, and it makes a tuba sound. Actually, that's what I saw. Absolutely. There's a whole series of different ways to say it. Tituba.

Yeah. All right. Well, Tituba was one of the Kalina people of South America, which were one of the many indigenous tribes who have been enslaved by Europeans since 1492. Now, just the single fact that the Paris family had been the first afflicted was highly embarrassing for the reverent. But Tituba's involvement as the witch herself was doubly mortifying for Salem's so-called spiritual leader.

Oh, and my employees. Everything's falling apart. Yeah. I mean, I hope she has her revenge. However, she doesn't. However, neighbor Mary Sibley had given Paris a gift in the form of a witch cake. Now he could blame the arrival of Satan on magic instead of the actions of his daughter and niece.

Yes, yes. Making Paris completely blameless in the whole affair. Nothing but net. And then this was even though the witch cake was baked long after the affliction started. Well, it's fantastic the way that it all worked out for him. Yeah. What's interesting about the first afflicted, though, is the fact that both Paris's niece and his daughter disappeared from the proceedings fairly early on.

They were not the main accusers at all. Hmm. See, even though Samuel Paris was unpopular, he still had a few friends. And specifically, Paris was close with a family called the Putnam's. Oh, yes. The Putnam's had a 12-year-old daughter named Anne Putnam, Jr. and Anne became afflicted herself on the same day that Tituba baked the witch cake. I'm feeling a little tremor come on.

Maybe it's puberty. No, yeah. Maybe it's mably. Choose 12. Yeah. Yeah, maybe it's time for me to be a little bit of a witch. All right. No, very mature 12-year-old, I suppose.

From Putnam, Jr., the affliction spread to another girl, 17-year-old Elizabeth Hubbard. Hubbard worked as a maid for Dr. Griggs. Yeah, Dr. Griggs. Yeah, you make sure that amp is turned to a level. Sweet. Well, Dr. Griggs, if you'll remember, he had examined Paris's daughter and niece. He was the one who diagnosed them as living under an evil hand. You got to be a witch.

And you know Dr. Griggs performed the surgery because he left a little guitar pick inside. And then he sued for malpractice. Yeah, absolutely. Well, it's absolutely ridiculous. Rock and roll. He sued for malpractice. I love the semi-hag are of doctors. Well, Dr. Griggs brought stories of bewitchment home, which were undoubtedly heard by his

17-year-old servant. He wouldn't believe what these other girls did, just in rap, turning the pretzels in front of my eyes. I was like, what, hell, no, you got to be witches. Do they have pretzels yet? Maybe. That's saying. When did the pretzels...

Because this is pretzel town. This is pretzel area. The American pretzels are German thing, and these are all English people. Germans haven't arrived in America yet as settlers, at least not in any large numbers. Six, ten, year 610. Yeah. No, but when did it come to Massachusetts? I don't know.

I can't always be the one with the pretzel-based knowledge. These two new girls, Anne Putnam Jr. and Elizabeth Hubbard, they were among six that were the major accusers during the Salem witch trials. It's mostly six girls doing all of this. All six besides Anne were between the ages of 17 and 20, and all but Anne were servants or orphans. These girls were at the very bottom rung of society amongst the free peoples of New England, and they had difficult, highly stressful lives of nothing but work from sun up to sun down.

They were beaten. One of them, like the guy they worked for, called her bitch witch all the time, and some were almost certainly sexually abused. Additionally, many were also refugees of the frontier war in Maine, and showed clear signs of PTSD that could have resulted in the aforementioned conversion disorder when you combine it with fear of the devil. But while some of the afflicted were indeed suffering, others were undoubtedly just making shit up, and there was precedence for just such an action.

One of the most famous cases of witchcraft fraud was that of Anne Goonter in England, who almost certainly had a wild fetish for being stuck with needles and pins. During her time of accusation, Goonter vomited pins, expelled them from her nose when she sneezed, and sometimes she actually pissed pins out of her urethra. How cool! Pins, it was said. It's cool, man. Now that's like a fun, like burlesque act.

I mean, yeah. If Letterman was still around, she'd be like stupid human tricks, look what she can do with her urethra. Yeah. It sounds very painful. He always featured the urethra. I know. It sounds very painful.

Yeah, it was said, pins came from Goonter's every orifice. Her mouth, her butt, her vagina, her ears, her nose, everywhere. So stint. It sounds like it. Pins, pins, pins. That's hard, man. Yeah. She's a real Albert fish.

Yeah. But when Goonter was finally brought before the king, she admitted fraud. I'm making it up. Yeah. Look at me. So she didn't have a bunch of pins coming out of her butthole? Well, it turns out that, you know, the whole thing was kind of a plot inspired, or not inspired, but, you know, it was egged on by her father because her father had this, he

had this rivalry with this other family because he had killed two members of that family during a football game. Oh. Yeah. He got this dagger and he'd like punched him in the head with the butt of the dagger a whole bunch of times. Sports have always been hard. Well, that's not really part of the sport though.

I assume you mean football. Yeah. Football. Yeah. American soccer. Yeah. Now the case was well known in the 17th century because it had occurred in 1605, you know. I mean, almost a century before Salem, but still, you know, plays were performed recounting

the tale of Ann Goonter. Okay. Pinpisser. Yeah. I love that. I mean, when they recreate that, when they bring her back into phase five at Marble. Absolutely. Her and Pinhead would make a lovely couple.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Pinhead, Pin Bottom. Oh. Very nice. Oh, yeah. One day. Oh, yeah.

It was not only likely, but a certainty that the Puritans knew about Ann Goonter. See, in the late 17th century, New England had the highest literacy rate in the world. Wow. Yeah. They all had to know the Bible backwards and forwards, almost by law, because how else would you know the pure word of God unless you yourself read the pure word of God? I view that as one of the only good things that they did because it was all about putting the power back into the people and not just having someone like read at you from a mysterious

book from in front of you. Absolutely. Yeah. The literacy rate in New England then was higher than it is now. Fantastic. Good. Doing well. Doing good.

But since damn near everyone, down to the servants knew how to read at least a little bit back then, the Ann Goonter fraud story would have been known, and that was in addition to the widespread availability of real, quote, unquote, real witchcraft cases. Concerning fraud and the afflicted in Salem, though, there were certainly people in 1692 who thought the cases were fraudulent from the start. One person said that he heard an afflicted girl admit that she did it, quote, for sport because we must have some sport. Cool.

Very ferocious. Oh, yes. This meant that some of the girls accused innocent people of witchcraft just for the kicks and kept doing it even after people started dying. And it's with those girls and the flood of accusations to come that we'll pick back up for part two of the Salem witch trials. Yeah, baby. Hell is real.

It's amazing how many people have been saved because of basketball. It really is. Gosh. But next week, man, we're going to get deeper into the history of the infernal, which I'm very excited about. Absolutely. We're going to get some detail of what makes you a witch. What happens when you are a witch?

How do you get in that club? Yeah. Yes, indeed. And how did Salem get so fucking bad so fucking fast? That's fascinating to me. But yeah, we're going to get into the accusations next week. We'll probably get into the trials the week after that. And of course, this is, you know, executions, you know, they're just kind of peppered.

That's going to be our favorite part, isn't it? Yeah, those are peppered throughout because hanging in New England in 1692 was not a fun business. Yep. Not at all. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Episode 500.

We did it. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for being on this journey with us. Yeah, man. It's been insane that we're still doing this. We are still doing it. And honestly, I have a renewed sense of love and joy for it. Absolutely.

As do I. After I finished the script yesterday, I did the snap clap thing that I used to do when I finished the script. I go snap and then I clap and I go, yeah. Cool. I mean, that's good. He's a cool guy. I took a full dump in the middle of our little break and it was really nice.

That's great. Yeah. Awesome. All right. You said you were only going to urinate, but you took a dump instead. Yep. Isn't that something special? Well, thank you for listening.

Thanks for supporting all the shows. We're going to be in Europe real soon. Real soon. It's going to happen real soon. And then we also, we are in Philadelphia in August 13th, I believe it will be fun. And I can't wait to see you in Australia. PsychoFest as well in Las Vegas on the 19th, I think. PsychoFest is going to be awesome.

All right, everyone. Thanks so much for supporting all the shows here. What's up, Marcus? One more thing. Don't forget. PsychoFest is for pre-sale, I believe now at PriorityBikes.com, it's a super fucking cool bike. I ride priority bikes myself and make a solid product.

I've seen it and it's, it's cool bike. It's super cool bike. It's very dark. It's a bicycle. Yeah. Okay, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourselves.

Hail site. Hail game. Magus deletions. And today, honestly, just got to be careful. If you're a witch, good. Good. We want you to be one. Remember where you come from.

Yeah. Remember. Absolutely. Fight for your sisters. Thank you. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.