Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 520: The Tragedy of the Essex Part I - Thar She Blows!

Episode Date: February 4, 2023

This week the boys make their return to the high seas, breaking down The Tragedy of the Essex, a harrowing tale of blood, whale guts, and cannibalism that would go on to inspire the literary classic "Moby Dick".

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started Whale of a tail Whale of a tail I'm excited about our lessons today And I hope that I hope that you're very gentle on the exam A lot of these terms can get confusing. Yes Well, buddy, I hope you figure out what the answers are because I'm cheating off of you

Please accept me Friends together with that's why we're friends I cheat off of you and then you get the answers right and then I pass the test and then I invite you to the party And I let you touch my boob in the dark protected. I'm a woman The most grateful thing I would ever experience Do I have a chance in hell buddy Podcast on the left everyone been hanging out with Henry and Marcus finally finally we're going back to the sea Finally, we've been out of the sea for what six eight months now

That's since blackbeard. Have we returned to the sea and during blackbeard, right? Again, we discover things We find out that the pirates obviously were a little bit more liberal, right? It was a fun Just because they blow each other out of pure desperation For any kind of human contact that doesn't mean they're liberal guess what this time these guys are sucking dick and they mean it All right, because these guys are these are some smelly motherfuckers Very smelly, and you know you come up from the quarters the main quarters be like buddy You got a little I guess I'm on your beard. They're sick. Ah, yeah, I've been sucking the pig leg Oh the old pig leg

But today a whale of a tail a whale of a tail whale of a tail the tragedy of the Essex part one So in the year 1820 oh, I can smell it. No, hmm bread shit yeast infection In the year 1820 an American whaling vessel called the Essex went down in the South Pacific Ocean After a massive sperm whale attacked and destroyed the ship thousands of miles from even the nearest Uninhabited Island, and I want to say that was one of Brendan Frazier's greatest performance Oh He is nice and it shows you nice guys who were super attractive when they were younger and really got famous because of their beauty

Can also succeed when they're older and a whale That's what you do And what I love is the climax of the film when they cut off the top of his head And deep into the white viscous cream that is the face of his skull They went and spent money at the end of it. It was really it was wow It was unexpected Well the 21 souls aboard the Essex sought refuge in the smaller whale boats with limited provisions And only a vague idea of how and where they could be rescued

What followed was a sort of Donner party at sea A tale of bad luck bad decisions and bad leadership fatal errors No And as a result two thirds of the whalers who left the island of Nantucket a year before died horrific deaths on the water So 14 out of 21 if my math is correct 14 14 yes seven times two is 14 and then seven times three is 21 two thirds dead 14 dead. Good job, Ben Really good work Well famously the destruction of the Essex inspired the climax in hervin melville's

Moby dick, which is all the fun stuff that melville crammed into the inn after making people read hundreds upon hundreds of pages about Satology and coins and endless fucking gams. You love that stuff Marcus though. I know you love descriptions of gams Which is you think it means sexy legs, but it doesn't it means a whale party A gam is a whaling when two whaling ships meet each other on seat Oh trade stories. I'll win the last time you saw a whale. Oh, I saw a whale three weeks ago. Oh, and then I saw another one Oh, that reminds me of another whale that I saw. Let's talk about it for 40 fucking pages Yeah, it's called the first ever podcast. Let's just say that sperm whale is running a little low

Sucking dick You've got to keep your special secret I know it's an english major. I know the point of Moby dick I know that it's supposed to mirror the pace of being on a whale ship for months If not years it's supposed to mirror the long periods of extreme boredom that are punctuated by moments of pure fucking adrenaline Marcus, this is why whoever wrote Moby dick Moby himself. I He needed two friends like henry and ben to say her man Wrap it up

Bored here her man, isn't it one of those books because I don't remember because I read Moby dick or I attempted to read Moby dick at least when I was in high school But I think that a lot of it now it's one of those books where like some nerd is always like but actually it's quite funny And you're like, I don't know. I actually I might be wrong. I'm not certain No, I don't think it's actually quite funny. No, actually would you don't understand this is the just direct Screaming parody of whaling life. And it's like, I don't know man. No, it is actually written purposefully to be boring To mirror the life of a whaling vessels that that's what it's supposed to actually do Is you're supposed to go along the whaling vessel along the whaling voyage with them

So you can learn what it's like to be a whaler and that's why people consider it to be so brilliant If they can't understand me, how can they reach me? If you really want me engaged, I need a hell cube I need some tits and I mean, I need like five more whales I'm kind of with you on that, buddy. Herman Melville who finished the end with any luck. They'll hate it Yeah, and they did actually at the time. He did very good. Yeah, yeah Wasn't wasn't considered. Yeah, it wasn't considered great until after he died Herman Melville sounds like a henny young man style comedian who only does racist jokes for the king

He might have been yeah Well at the description of long periods of boredom punctuated by extreme action if that description sounds familiar Studies have suggested that the PTSD suffered by some whalers back in the 19th century Is very similar to the sort that soldiers have been experiencing since time immemorial I don't want to be super stupid here. But what about the fucking whales? We're gonna get into the whales No, some people yes, okay First of all as we wade into this episode and understand there's gonna be a lot of whale murder in this episode

But again, these are viewed as allegorical creatures Right like yeah at the time now we love whales right now Oh whales cute fun love it want to ride one want to fuck one if I could right everyone says that they're all Wanted to have sex with these animals. Everyone says that. Oh, I love sea worlds Sea world triple x absolutely, but but then like it's what they talk about in the movie dick The idea is the whale is the sort of like a search an exhaustive search or something you can't quite patch, right? It's a mysterious beast of the ocean. It's way more of the wave than of the plate Okay

Now it's a truly capitalist enterprise in which you're raping the the earth in order for maximizing for in order for maximum profits I mean that is that that is whaling at its core. This whole thing is about making lube for factory machines Put your ear down to the earth really quick and what do you hear it say? Yes, I'm fine with it I'm happy you finally said it Henry, but when you bring 19th century American whaling down to its essentials It is a fascinating yet brutal subject Oh, yeah See just as the story of the Donner party was wrapped up in the frontier exploration of the mid 19th century

So too were vessels like the Essex a major part of sea exploration during roughly the same time Although the sorts of voyages taken by whaling ships were far more intense They really were because they all said the same The reading I was doing talked about how if you were a whaler You never knew if you were coming back. No, like the as soon as that ship was going Which kind of you know, it said a lot of seafaring enterprises at the time that was common But there was also like whaling is an extremely dangerous job. It's almost like we should have figured something else out Yeah, we but we were our economy was heavily dependent on whales

And so we ended up going and getting further and further into this which is extremely horrible Horrible job. Well not to mention you're constantly in the shadow of bob marley and you're like, you know, bob's great fantastic musician But without the band the whalers bob Maybe not everyone would get your rastafari and meanings Everyone wonders about the functions of kissles jokes and his bonn motts and what they are is to drive this story forward Because that's what we do. It's all about endless forward momentum. Oh, yes indeed. I love that bob marley song. Don't worry. Be happy Well at its core whaling is close range hunting on the open sea it's something closer to a battle

Furthermore, you're in what is basically a large rowboat and you're going up against the largest creature to ever exist in earth's history An intelligent creature with a strong will to live Yeah, additionally when hunting certain species of whale specifically the sort that the Essex was after Whalers embarked on the longest voyages of any hunter in history sometimes for years long stretches And of course the longer you're out there the deadlier the voyage has a chance of being Yeah, because you just get lost dog. Yeah And then the way they talk about how like it's just confidence in wind Man, I don't have any confidence in the goddamn wind. It changes every five seconds. Yeah, it's scary

Out there, and you don't know where you're going They don't know where you're going They don't know where that goes No, they know what direction they're headed, but do they know where they're going? But a lot of that's spiritual. You're talking the difference between plot and story Yeah, now when it comes to the tragedy of the Essex We actually know quite a bit about the voyage because the first mate wrote a 128 page narrative Recounting the tale not too long after he and a few others were rescued amidst the bones of their shipmate

Those mission mates! Well, there you go writing does serve a purpose And this was the accepted story for almost two centuries But in 1980 an old notebook written by the cabin boy on the Essex Tommy Nickerson. Yeah, I hope we added on a couple of chapters He was very fair about the sex But he did not like to necessarily talk about being a cannibal because he said he didn't want to spend his Old age being recognized as one, but I'd say it's nice because it gives you more room at the supermarket. That's for dang sure

What he was I did what do you mean open about the sex? He didn't talk about the sex I mean, you just read it off. It's bled off the page. Yeah, it's not the worst sensuality I did look at we'll get into the sensuality of whalers. Yes Well, this notebook it was identified by a nantucket whaling expert named edward stackpole. I know whaling books They all smell like shit To the touch. Wow. It was identified as absolutely genuine Okay And Nickerson was only 14 when he went out on the open sea

But he was 71 when he finally wrote down the story. Yeah, holy crap. Okay, so he lived a long life Now the stories in Nickerson's notebook and the narrative written by first mate owin chase they more or less matched up But Nickerson's account was more warts and all which gave the story a much more human flavor It's not foreshadowing if you fucking laugh Will they ever not be rogue so people are gonna podcast some of them people are gonna eat each other in this episode Not this episode next episode next episode whole bunch of it. Yeah, great awesome But as far as our main source for this series goes we have in the heart of the sea by nefanyl filbrick

Which is an absolutely fantastic account of the sx tragedy that also features a solid overview of the wild world Whalen or tell you what they always have to blur out the blowholes Which I actually think is disgusting. Hey, let's think about this free the blowhole I completely agree or is anyone named like someone without ed Is there any masculine names in this? Yeah, well, you get Uh, yeah, there's robert pollard. Yeah, okay. There's willington climax. No, there's johnny sucks a lot Yeah, now when whaling was at its height It was the fifth largest industry in america and extremely profitable as run expert said you would be surprised at the

profitability of these whales He's like i'm dying here, sir Well before the discovery of petroleum whale oil was the highest quality lubricant that humans could produce and it made the best Candles, which was no small thing in an increasingly industrializing world decades away from electricity Okay, the smell of this. I forget you talk about these idea of these these whale fat Candles just burning and like just leaving a residue everything I uh, but that's why they were actually so expensive because they didn't leave the residue That's what they uh, didn't burn as much soot. They were said to be the favorite candle of benjamin franklin

Oh We can just see him in the shadows as he turns into the drake cool As he's banging a random gal with his big old belly He's looking into a mental mirror. No, he was a cool guy But but in your mind benjamin franklin was a vampire. No, like weird. It's all over all history I've been trying to get him off this benjamin franklin is a vampire thing for a long time It's been up close to 12 years. No gary oldman when he was the vampire was shadows. I'm seeing ben franklin's shadow You just yeah, you're just mashing up a bunch of again

hurt one forward Well Well somewhat sneakily whaling was the industry that made america powerful enough and economically Independent enough to separate from england Even if the number one customer for whale oil was the english. It's kind of like massively psychologically and Kind of symbolically appropriate That the thing that allowed america to become what it was at the time period was just the absolute

new devastation of every whale Within hundreds of hundreds and hundreds of miles but then selling that same whale blood To the very people that were in charge of us in the first place But somehow that kept us separate because it seems like money was the only thing that anybody cared about Yeah, it seems like it's a country founded by blubber Yeah Oh, yes, it's kind of like the rig of the exes is like the wreck of the uh the edmund fitschgerald. Oh, I love that Edmund a fitschgerald

But when it came to the whaling industry in america It had always been centered around the weird little island of nantucket just off a cape god in massachusetts Which by the 19th century had come to define itself in every aspect as a whaling community In fact, one prevailing nantucket myth said that one of the founders a man named ikabod paddock had been quote Swallowed by a whale and whose belly he found the devil and a mermaid playing gods for soul I think you stole that from jonah. Yeah, it's no but again allegorical Jonah didn't he didn't find the devil and a mermaid playing cards for a soul. That's a fantastic That's a fantastic image. It's cool. It's a good scrimshaw art piece you'd buy at a farmer's market. Sounds like you went to a casino called the whale

But when it came to the types of whales that originally brought the english to nantucket They started with what they called right whales ben. Do you know why they were called right whales pop quiz hot shot? See what how he fucks this up because he thinks ben you're in franklin's dracula Because whenever you were thinking about a candle and you were getting in the mood with your girl The whale was right there She's saying the whale is cucking you they're watching you from the side like a man in a hotel room That's the whales from the sea just I'll be your candle

I'll be your candle. It's incorrect. No, I would assume they because they go to the right No, no, it was because it was the right whale to kill That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. No, my answer was better. It is just more obvious than you'd think Yeah, that's how they get you and who wants to be a millionaire. Yeah, it's the That's how they get you the final question isn't always that difficult. No, that's what I'm saying Yeah, play in the mind. You're just looking at Regis philipin sweating there sweating looking at him and he's just there going it's unbelievable He's been dead for a long time. I don't know who runs that show any no idea

Well, right whales were actually bailing whales and their beached bodies had been harvested by the wampanoag people of massachusetts For centuries, you know, I once knew a man from nantucket Who did what what did he do? What was his thing? What was his fucking deal, Henry? genocide at a whole group of native americans that were there originally. Yeah, you knew him Yeah, yeah But in 1712 a man named captain hussy spotted a new whale off the coast of nantuck. New whale on the block. Wow Its blubber was superior to that of a right whale providing a brighter and cleaner burning light But what truly made this new whale special was what they found when they cracked open its skull

These guys are so fucked up. That's the first thing they thought of They were like crack open its fucking head. Let's see what its fucking range. I'm like, what else are you gonna do? I don't know. You're right. I don't know. You'd be the only one that shows up with a spoon No, upon first exposing the fluid contained in the creature's head to oxygen It looks sort of like vodka, but as the fluid oxidized it came to look a lot more like cum So they named the substance spermisetti and they called the Boy nice and they called the creature the sperm whale. That's how it's got its stupid name hundred percent true My friend and the watch

This is the most dude Cut open the top of a fucking animal. You don't know his head. Yo bro. It looks like I saw this animal for the first time Yo, fucking Henry man. You think that looks like cum, dude? Fucking holy fucking shit. What's called their brother here earlier? What the cum whale dude? Holy fucking shit dude. What like medical sperm sperm whale Well, it looks like a whole bunch of guys from my gym were in there recently No, it is uh The pleasure I had of watching so many of these historians Trying to we because again

We are I've children here They're the children It's these watching Academians just been like named after the male ejaculate like trying to say the terms ejaculate or Spermisetti and they can't figure out and say and they're but they can't smile. No one's allowed to laugh Their favorite euphemism is seminal fluid seminal fluid It's so much dirtier than cum shut up because seminal fluid is what you scrape off a corpse Come at least everyone's alive in the room

Right. Yeah No one could certainly say that they named this thing the sperm whale simply because the stuff looks like cum Doesn't have to be sexual. It doesn't look like cum and that's that That's right there. It's like cum great because they didn't have as much icing then Right, so you use that kind of scoop that up there But there seemed to be something about spermisetti that made writers weirdly sexual But not necessarily horny if you get my meaning. Yes, I do not So that means that they're writing half hard. You'll see half hard

So in mobi dick the protagonist and narrator ish male called the ish male Right He experienced a sort of ecstasy as he squeezed the lumps of fresh spermisetti out of the head of the recently murdered Sperm whale This is what ish male said and this is written by herman melville who worked on a wailing vessel himself I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co laborious hands and mistaking their hands for the gentle globules Was because it's like when people say about paper factories they when it smells like farts It like smells like money. Yeah, is it these guys are like that?

As you read about whalers because we'll get into how they render the oil and blah, blah, blah But they said these disgusting things it was worth so much money. No, I I get it It doesn't mean that they have to like take a great joy and popping the like dr. Pimple popper Here's another example an 1874 memoir from a whaler named William M. Davis told of how Luxurious it was to wade into pots of spermisetti to squeeze and strain out the fibers Where where he quote almost fell in love with the touch of my own poor legs This is the brain of a fucking whale. They're talking about right They used to be because it was so worth it. The money it was to the okay

Can I just add so what are they getting out of the sperm spermisetti and that's the candle that that's the candle That's what they're making the candle center of a sperm whale's head was worth more money than any other substance on earth So they didn't use any what did they did they use the blubber from the body as well? We'll get into all of the blubber. We'll get to the whole thing No, they didn't just like it wasn't like they used to do with the buffalo in the wild west where they kill it Cut off that cut off the fur and then just fucking leave the corpse there. No, they used every part of the whale Actually, that's not true I learned about because there was notice to how that's how they would find whaling expeditions later on where they went

Was because they'd find the piles of dead because they would use chunks as much as they could But the rest of it they'd leave. Oh, no, not every part of the whale, but they'd use the blubber They weren't just using the head you're just finding the whole thing floating Like islands of rotting whale meat. Oh, yeah out in the ocean. No because sailors didn't like whale meat They say it was too tough too gamey. I believe it. I believe so they'd rather eat Jeff Yeah, we'll get to that So it's like so they got this candle that comes from the calm of the brain of the whale Then they package it and then they put a little spruce in and they call it Christmas tree and they sell it to your grandmother

Oh, no, well, let's think of it this way like this is before electricity So this is the only way you're seeing it night. How has been Franklin gonna write at night if he doesn't have his candles Yeah, and think about where America would be then my friend think about there think about how how Jonathan Harker would not have possibly gone through what he went visiting Benjamin Franklin in Philadelphia Yeah, which the whole book Dracula is all about a real estate deal. It really is very much is all right Well, the thing about sperm whales is that the sperm asceti came with a greater risk Sperm whales were far more aggressive than baleen whales and they were found further away from shore But the quality of their oil was far higher than that of a baleen whale

So for many the reward outweighed the risk Now, of course whalers immediately slaughtered every sperm whale they could find within the immediate vicinity of new england So they had to range further and further out to kill and find them real smart there Problem was it wasn't profitable to sail for three months kill a whale and sail another three months back with this whole whale carcass So whale ships were turned into ghoulish floating factories where whalers could kill butcher and process carcass after carcass until the hold was filled to the brim with whale oil. Yes. Just fucking jiggling Flatness stank because they uh, because it smells supposed to be just absolutely fucking pure

Sure, it's supposed to be the worst smell on earth I can see the amazon smile logo that also looks like a penis now that you think about it You will not see it. Sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah, mine always has mine has that big golf club Like swing at the very end of it. My penis goes as a full l It's actually not a bad design if that's where the g spot is of the gal. That's your partner Yeah, but it depends on how far mine is like it's pointing back at me. Yeah Yeah, this is really weird. It's unfortunate anatomy weird. Yeah, okay Well, then and only then could a whale ship return to nantucket after the entire hold was full of whale oil

Oh god, they must have really you must have known that they were coming. They said that they go away They did and as a result whaling voyages turn from seasonal affairs that may have lasted like nine months at most to years long voyages And likewise the distance traveled became almost unfathomable unfathomable By the late 1700s nantucket whale ships could be found in the arctic circle the west coast of africa and the east coast of south america In fact, the british navy used to complain that everywhere they went expecting to find nothing and nobody They'd find nantucket whalers having whaled the fuck out of the area long before anyone else even thought of going there I just see a lot of robust women with with their underwear sticking out at the top of their pants when we talk about this

But I also know that this is because these were the factories that this whale oil Allowed us to have the entire industrial revolution inside of america Like it's a stuff that went into all of the machines So they were desperate and the people that were paying for these whale boats were people like the macy family The folgers family were like these are people like huge american quote-unquote dynasties were like also needing this blubber Yeah whaling is like the secret history of america Okay, as far as who those nantucket whalers were they were mostly quakers pacifist when it came to humans But fucking demons when it came to whales

See the nantucket quakers were extreme weirdos because as we all know the small of the island the stranger the folk absolutely Live from your grave Stamps.com has postage rates. You literally can't find anywhere else like up to 84% of usps and ups It used to cost five barrels of wine to send one single mayor from one county to another Can you even believe this for 25 years? Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million Businesses and if you sell products online, I know I do because my words are products Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart Use stamps.com to print postage wherever you do business

All you need is a computer and a printer and they even send you a free scale But they don't send you a mailman because now you're the mailman and guess what? I can be as drunk as I want when I deliver the mail Set your business up for success when you started with stamps.com today sign up with promo code left For a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale no long-term commitments or contracts Just go to stamps.com. Click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code left Now whaling was such a part of nantucket life that children were taught whaling terms from birth and bedtime stories

Usually involved killing whales or eluding cannibals as one might imagine doing when you regularly deal with isolated south pacific islands I can't sleep daddy. You want to tell me another whale story? Okay, let me tell you a story. So it was me and my buddy paul And we were on top of this way. It was beached on a beach And I said oh paul you can take the whole you did such a good haul yesterday I'm climbing up in the mouth. I'm gonna come in his ass backwards You know listen get it sit down later Now this is a story. This is how I afforded your private school. Yeah, this is great daddy

Well speaking of which there were whaling groupies There were secret societies of young women who swore to only marry a man who had killed a whale see I don't know what i'm trying to say but see There used to be a time where a man was a respectful guy Well these men could be identified by the pens they wore on their lapel to show that they'd indeed been blooded by blubber It's always clout. Yeah, always Nantucketeers even had their own toasts not the life itself, but to good whaling They would raise their glasses and say quotes death to the living long life to the killers

Success to sailors wives and greasy luck to the whalers I'm actually going to be doing dry january No, I can tell when you're doing it because I guess you I could smell the monster And indeed greasy luck was needed Because whaling was a deadly business In 1810 a quarter of the women in Nantucket over the age of 23 had been widowed by the sea in one way or another And four of the youngest crew members on the ill-fated Essex had either lost fathers or were total orphans I mean widowed by the sea is one thing. Have you ever been dp'd by the moon? Oh, it's

Roodle absolutely horrific what that moon can do. So if you're the lady they didn't love the guys They just knew they were going to die young and they'd get a pension. Well, actually, let's get right into that. You're not too far off But perhaps out of emotional necessity or complete honesty The quaker women of Nantucket seemed to revel in the fact that their husbands were constantly gone or in some cases Dead. Is this why Natalie keeps asking me when we're going back on tour? This is unbelievable See in quakerism the sexes were considered intellectually equal and the women of Nantucket maintained a complex web Of personal and commercial relationships that kept Nantucket going while the men were away

Typically a woman could expect to see her husband for three to four months every two to three years Oh, they didn't love these men They like the blubber. Yes, they did you're she's making blubber money. No, they're doing their own They're pulling their own weight. They're building the youth. I am not in docket Well, so comfortable with these women with this arrangement that they even had a song Celebrating how great it was to be married to someone they saw only briefly every once every few years Here are but a few lines with his prow so nobly open and is dark and kindly I owe my heart beats fondly towards him whenever he is night

But when he says goodbye my love i'm off across the sea First I cry for his departure then laugh because i'm free Well, it sounds horrible Yeah, I'm one of the rougher wives And you wonder why god's he volunteers for all these trips when it comes down to it I suck a mean dick and I make a great shouter. You do. Yes indeed. So everyone's happy. No, it's it's a fun like role reversal It's the whole thing is like yeah, the wife's away for the weekend, but it's the same thing like I'll thank god My husband's gone. I can't stand that motherfucker. I don't think that's a role reversal

That's the role actually I do kind of feel like maybe comes down to your husband might be riddled with ptsd from wrestling But one of the most violent animals that ever existed in the way in which he has to do it And he's just a Fucking gear in the cog cog and just a fucking endless wheel of of the whale industry that he's stuck on PTSD STDs your start senior wife is a whale. You ever had a sea transmitted disease? No I was stung by a jellyfish once they can sting you even when they're dead. Oh

I mean you might have a bit of a point there that an earlier verse of that song did talk about how much I love to spend Wailing money when my husband is gone. Yeah, I mean again, you're in it for the blubber Yeah, you're in it. I know what's going on and when it came to being truly independent Nantucket women were quite forward thinking for the 19th century Reportedly a common item found in the bedside drawer of a Nantucket home was a six inch plaster dildo euphemistically called a He's at home. He's at home. I'm just so happy that they didn't go. They didn't like Oh, I don't know exaggerate too much

Like a six inch dildo is just fine. It's all we need. It's all good humble dildo It is because again, it's not because wait. Hey, you don't want to come like replace him You want to miss? That's the idea is that you give him, I'd say four inches Just so that you get a little bit That's a normal one. Yeah, four inches. But also remember it's made of plaster and it's gonna be very rigid So if you get like a plaster eight incher in there, that's gonna be too much because the good thing about the eight inchers when you get the Rubber ones, you know, they're flexible but plaster. Have you ever seen one? Uh, he's at home. Look at that. Look at this big old fucking crazy head on it. Wow. She was expecting a lot

Oh my goodness. Holy shit. Apparently was the according to this one woman She says that she felt that it was mostly myth about the he's at home But I think that's just because she already got one locked up and she doesn't understand why anybody needs Yeah, why would it be myth of these people master made all the time? Yeah But when it came to the whalers they lived as his tradition for romanticized american professions of your absolutely fucking awful lives of hardship exploitation injury and frequent death all while being expected to fulfill Half a dozen areas of expertise Whalers in the 1800s were sailors hunters butchers

Explorers factory workers and merchants all at the same time And yet whaling was one of the lowest paying jobs in america. Why because literally put the amazon logo All the money went up to the top every all the money went up to the top and every one of these ships were bought into they were all like Time-shared buildings. They were all owned by families that then went higher out the cruise So it's like all of the money is getting more and more diluted It's basically the way american corporations are run today Right whaling ships were the blueprint it all began with whaling ships But during the industry's peak in the mid 19th century ordinary semen on a whale ship earned just about the same as women working in textile factories in

Massachusetts two-thirds of what they would have made if they just moved to boston as unskilled laborers Then you don't get the stories. Yeah I guess not put in a perspective the cabin boy who wrote the memoir of the sinking of the Essex Was paid the modern equivalent of $3,500 for two years of labor That's it for two years of labor although room and board was technically included in the deal The room and the board is a god damn ship that smells like And you should be thankful for us Now concerning the Essex it was a relatively old ship when it set off for its last voyage in 1819

It had been in service for 20 years and it gone through numerous repairs But the ship owners who should have long since retired it they sent it out again and again While also refusing to do any repairs until they were absolutely necessary They didn't care wouldn't you love to find out that this boat that you're going to go spend three years on To go hunt one of the dangerous most dangerous animals in the water for for everybody else's money not yours Yeah, but if you found out that the guys that owned it because this was the attitude of the Essex We're just being like we think we can squeeze one more trip out of it. Yeah And like that's it. You know what you're being on a plane and hearing them think they're being like

We think we get one more I mean, that's literally the story of leanard skinner. They're like, we're gonna have to repair this when we land And we'll fix it up after take up. It's like god dang setting themselves up to eat each other apparently Well, as we said, you know a vessel like the Essex was sort of like a modern corporation in which people could own shares of the ship And most men who bought whale ship shares own shares in multiple ships. So if one ship went down, no big one But 20 people are dead, but that's not you. Yeah, that's a no big whoop. That's a no big whoop because it's not you It's not you But what that meant was also like modern corporations the shareholder was king

Corners were cut and costs were kept to a minimum and besides its old age The Essex was severely under provisioned when it set out because it was accepted practice to nearly starve sailors for years at a time To maximize shareholder profits great good for them. They're just like Exxon mobile today. They're just like an oil Yeah, oil business But since shit always flows downhill the whalers of Nantucket also took every opportunity To fuck over anyone who came in from the outside to join the whaling life. I get it man. You do you want to be a part of this? It's quarter. It's like, uh, it's kind of like almost like a cult-like mentality. I'm like, you want to do this thing that sucks Well, I'm gonna show you how much it sucks because it sucks

Yeah, it's sucked for me. So now it's got to suck double for you. Right. It doesn't why wouldn't it? Why are you volunteering to do it? It's going on the lamb. Are you running away from the law? Also the love of the sea now, we'll get to it here in a second I mean inexperienced sailors were called green hands and Nantucket children would actually wait on the docks for green hands to arrive So they could make fun of them for their poor life choices when they showed up Oh, you like going out on that stupid boat there How you like, hey, hey, well, fuck you. You're gonna be dead. You're gonna die out there Why are they doing it?

You know, it's fun Furthermore, once the green hand arrived on the island everyone around them's talking in nautical terms all the time in a bizarre accent That says I am instead of oil and chirp instead of sharp all while they're still using the and thou because they're a bunch of quakers Yes, it's really they were idiosyncratic. Yes. Are they water people? Water. Yeah, they're definitely water. Yeah. I thought water was the, uh, Baltimore area. That's like the water is also Boston Water or is that water? No, the Boston's water. Water, I think is also isn't that Philly as well? I don't know. We're gonna get into water Every one of these counties we're gonna get fucking and all every one of these counties we're gonna hear from grumbip county

Every one of them get so mad when I worked at Burger King the general manager big ol gal Looked like a whaler herself. She said water. That's right. Always always moving forward always moving forward always moving back to fast food Employment then moving forward again. Also the 1980s logo of Burger King in the 1990s logo extremely similar It's true. I guess extremely similar looking forward. Well, once a green hand went to sign up for a voyage No one told him about any of the pitfalls and they did this as a rule For example, a longer voyage did not mean more wages and all experienced sailors knew that Oh, yeah, sailors signed up for a fraction of the voyages net profit. It was called a lay But they never told the green hands

Because the green hands wouldn't sign up if they knew that no one would because you told about what you catch Right, so there's no guaranteed pay. So you have to go so you could go out there Have your hands torn from your body by ropes Come back with nothing and pay and be paid nothing. Actually, you could come back in debt Yeah, a lot of guys went out on their first voyage a lot of them came back and found that they had been paid either the equivalent of pennies a day Or they would be 100s of dollars in debt to the whaling company always read your contracts and if you can read I mean, you better learn real fast learn within five minutes. Yeah, I mean, it seems like they did it for the experience anyway

Yeah, some of them did. I mean Herman Melville did did he actually whale? Yeah, yeah He was he was obsessed with it. Yeah. Yeah, he actually went out on a whale. Yeah, he Brought moby dick from 100% experience. Is that right? Yeah But the thing is that you know, they had to keep the green hands in the dark because everybody Except the man at the bottom needed to be in on the system. They needed to exploit somebody for the whole thing to work Absolutely Now when it came to the Essex it was actually considered a lucky ship because it had lasted through so many voyages And as we will as you may or may not know we talked a little bit in the pirates episode another episode sailors are

Extremely superstitious extremely. Yes. It was a large ship at 87 feet And the last several voyages had been captained by a man named Daniel Russell Who'd since been promoted to captain of a new and larger ship called the aurora That meant that Russell's first mate George Pollard. I said Robert Pollard earlier. I think that's the guy who's indicted by voices I might be I don't know well George Pollard had earned a command So he was promoted to captain of the Essex and his harpooner Owen Chase Was moved up to first mate for what was unbeknownst to them the ship's last voyage

Yeah, man. Owen Chase the ultimate fucking doom filled zoomer. Yeah, he was just he was literally this is the equivalent We'll talk about but Owen Chase is Ah, you can only listen to your intern so much I guess so. All right, so they got a promotion. Mm-hmm. They did. The hell As far as the other men on the voyage went you had your normal crew of youngsters aged 15 to 18 four kids named Thomas Nickerson Barza lay ray. That's a great name. Barza lay ray is a wonderful name. Or it's either barza lay or barza. Liar Yeah, barza lay. I like barza lay. Yeah, you also had Charles Ramstall and Owen coffin. Yeah Yeah, he was the goth one. Yeah, well, he was of the Nantucket coffins

Oh, yeah, that was their um, there was their ladies softball team The coffins were actually a well-respected family on the island that were the coffins that were the starbucks The starbucks were a huge family They are not of the starbucks of the starbucks family. They were inspired by the the moby dick. I looked it up Yeah, starbucks is not the last name. It's howard schultz that created the starbucks. Yeah, that guy did it Yeah, starbucks is a character. My president. He'll always be my president. Yeah, that's that's pretty great Yeah, so it's the coffin family and i'll tell you one thing jerry sneezer Uh, they started little caesars. No, I won't. Oh my god, Amy queefs. No, that's no, I reverse

That's even worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, anyway, it's nothing nothing like barry shart or you can imagine anything anything This is one wash first name with a funny last thing you can anything anything can be funny If the words are funny, you too can podcast Well, also, I did one of the researchers I was looking at because the 200 year anniversary of this sinking of the sx was in november of 2020 And so I was watching these poor nantucket historians very frail both in mask very masked 20 feet away from each other trying to be interesting. This is very very difficult. Yeah, but one of them kept saying like, oh,

he was uh He did some research into the family connections on nantucket and he's like, you know, what's interesting is that everyone was cousins Isn't interesting. Yes, it is island of 7 000 people. Everyone was cousins. They were all All right. Well, also oen coffin was the cousin of captain george pauler Exactly. Okay. And that's the thing for nantucketers A wailing voyage was the first step towards a long and profitable career So long as you made your way to a mate's position or if you were lucky a captain Yeah, I mean it was somewhat interns, you know, at least the nantucketers. There was a way path forward

But for everyone else on the ship a wailing voyage was a desperate last resort You did not want to end up on a wailing ship No But in many ways that the rest of america was not wailing ships were just the tiniest bit more egalitarian just a bit And it was one of the few places where a black man could be paid the same as a white man Although he's very little very little. Yeah, he still couldn't expect to be treated housed or fed the same But he could at the very least be paid the same But that's also because of the quakers view because they were anti slavery

Yeah, very much so but that is to say seven black sailors signed up for the last voyage of the sx The last crew members to do so and with the standard number of 21 men aboard the sx set sail For what was supposed to be a fairly routine two-year-long wailing voyage in august of 1819 Now george pollard was already well acquainted with the sx having spent four years aboard as second and first mate But this was his first voyage as captain Likewise, it was owens chase's first voyage as first mate And if all went well Pollard could be promoted to captain of a new ship following this voyage and chase could be put in command of the sx

Oh, we got to be careful. This is why you can't train. I'm sorry, franando. We can't train the producers too well Because all they're looking they're looking at the back of your head Right look at your back. We had wondering when do I get to have the headphones on yeah When do I get to get over there, right? franando is a great job as one of the co-hosts He's done it. It's over. Wow. He's right there. It's happen. You hear this and hear everything you're saying She's staring at you. He's staring at the back of my head. I can't see we're all going down. It's a fatal error And so after the captain gave his speech on the first day of the voyage as was tradition

A guy just so you know yeah Looking for whales number one. Yeah biggest fish you're gonna see today So if you're yeah, so if you're curious, is that a fish or a whale? Is it bigger than you? Yeah, it's a whale Okay, number two Let's keep the farts to the top of the boat. Okay. I don't need everybody fart in the bottom of the boat because it's already Give me smelling enough. Okay. Good team. All right. If we're brave. Can I kill a dolphin? Yeah, thank you. Thank you and just show it to me so we all have fun. I have watching it scream We love screams here. Great. Uh, well, uh

Dolphins speaking of which uh, they actually liked dolphin meat a little bit more than whale meat But they didn't really like eating dolphins that much And it was actually very hard to kill a dolphin because they had only the harpoon to use and a dolphin's hide is very thick Yeah, that's where you use dynamite Yeah, I've seen the uh very sad document very sad Yeah, well the sx pushed off with high hopes and big expectations from the people in charge High stakes. Why why the hope? Well because pollard is he's it's a very old ship

So he's been promoted to captain, but he knows I gotta get this ship is there's no future on the sx So I gotta do a great job on this so I can get promoted to a bigger ship and chase is thinking like, okay This ship maybe has two voyages left in it If I get promoted this next time that I can also get from it. So it's these all these again, man It is a corporate ladder and all these guys are desperately trying to climb. All right Let me teach you one thing about being a CEO. You see that carrot you see it's in front of that person's nose You pull it back you pull it back and then come jump But it's it is also

You cannot overestimate just head and over say how valuable whale oil was yeah And so every single time they were trying to get this shit It was always a high priority for them for the people up top But for the people on the bottom the green hands the voyage was immediately a nightmare Most found themselves so seasick. They were ready to die. Have you ever been seasick? Yeah, dude It's fucking remember my face blew up. Yeah Do you remember that? Half of my face got swallowed because you went on a little expedition to go fishing Oh, it was horrible. Well, but that was right up until they got what was called the Nantucket cure

To cure seasickness. Tell me this is not going to get sexual. No. Well Well, the sick man would be made to swallow a piece of pork fat tied to a string Which would then be yanked back out. Can you think about that? I explain this to now like how does this make you feel better? You puke I guess I guess but if that didn't work, you know what they do What they do it again And if that didn't work, they do it again and they do it again and again and again until the person stopped being sick Or just started lying about feeling better. I'm you know, wow, doctor

And the best medicine I've ever had thank you so much. I'm done with that. I think it's more the latter. Yeah Now like most whale ships of the era the Essex took an indirect route following the Gulf stream with the Atlantic They're going trying to go down towards the southernmost tip of South America. They're trying to pop around over into the Pacific You swing around Cape Horn Yeah But this route took them all the way to North Africa where they planned to stop off at the azores islands for provisions Before sailing back towards Cape Horn But just three days out of Nantucket the Essex was ravaged by a storm that almost sank the ship three fucking days

There was a lot of because I feel like there was there was a couple of other bad Omens because they talked about how there was like I've run there was a storm There was something else that happened on the island. Someone saw like a weird Yes, they saw a cryptic. They saw a weird thing. Yeah, they said they want a dragon or something They said that there was like a sighting of a sea monster. That's what it was. They talked about But again, so superstitious everyone was like immediately skittish about the boat leaving because it was like this weird harbinger of doom around it Yeah, that's not a sea monster. That's My wife

Thank you very much very good stuff Well, even though Pollard had been on the Essex for years He froze up when the storm blew in and because he hesitated and giving the order to turn The Essex was almost tipped over and two whaleboats on deck were destroyed in the ensuing chaos My promotion, you know, literally the I didn't know that this could even happen. So a wind hit it. He just did it He fucked up. He choked he fucked up. He stirred it there I used to steer the ship the wrong way wind hit it straight on it went completely sideways And they had to wait for a wind if it was going to come to come and pick them back up

Literally, because they just said because otherwise they're like he's like one of the thing notes I read it was like well the best part is up when the ship sideways is that at least it protects you from the wind They're just stuck inside of a side like everyone's gripping hanging from the sides of the boat Yeah, and the cook had to like dive out of the kitchen because all of his stoves and shit just fucking flew to the other side of the room And almost crushed him the poor fat good I The Essex was still seaworthy after the uh storm But it was certainly weakened

But the loss of two whaleboats was a big deal because a ship needed three whaleboats and two to spare if it wanted to have a Successful journey and sure enough captain Pollard Rightly decided that the voyage was a bust and a return to nantucket for replacement boats and repairs was needed The only three days out. Yeah, what's the fucking difference get back? But his first and second mates disagreed Saying that all that could be taken care of once they arrived in Africa It is this is why I say the intern from hell right because oh and chase he worked his way up But they basically sat and he was like, you know, we need to turn around we need we're gonna we're gonna repair

We're only three days out. We can just go we can repair we can turn back around It's a carnival cruise But it is the literally the equivalent of the new weird nepo baby hire you bring to your CEO sphere, right? You got the 23 year old son of your VP who's got a cell phone on hand looking at Twitter He's like, but do you think it how do you think Twitter rolls one like literally? It's that vibe where you like man, you're gonna freak out the sailors. Yeah, I mean, so you need I know you might be captain But like I got here. I just arrived here. Yeah, and so I might know a little bit more I'm a new direction. I'm a new vibe here

And so you might need to think about what you're doing and we need to actually do the opposite of what you're doing I know you're in charge, but still up to the captain to make the right decision. You're right Yes, it is and you know, it's not the worst call because you know the morale of the sailors It's pretty low. They're three days out of a two year journey and they've already almost died Everything's all fucked up. Yeah to mention if they went home, they would the amount of lesbian action They'd see as they enter their home I wasn't expecting you for another year and two years basically we were doing the maiden crisscross. Oh, no And so Pollard was swayed by his men for the first but certainly not the last time to make the wrong decision

Now predictably when they got to the azores islands, there were no spare whale boats to be purchased Likewise when they continued south to the Cape Verde islands, they only found that there was but one spare whale boat to buy And so after trading 30 starving hogs that were almost skeletons for half a barrel of beans Or of course, actually they traded the beans for the hogs. Wait a second. They had a bunch of pigs on board this whole time No, it's gonna get even weirder just the pigs. Yeah, it gets weirder. Yeah, I listen to the pigs Well after they got all these starving hogs on board they continued on their journey towards South America One boat down but then halfway between Rio de Janeiro and Buenos Aires Three months into the journey the crew heard a cry from the lookout for the first time

Oh my god, it was all those angry birds trying to kill the pigs Now when the crew heard either Thar she blows thar she breaches or thar goes flukes. Oh, yeah, all perfectly reasonable signals meaning Hey, there's a whale Everyone on the ship jumped into action thar goes flukes is a really good thing to see If we're like I talk about because you know what a whale tails when you see though Would they underwear sing out of the back of the pants? Oh, yeah And that's a fun thing to say instead of because like, you know, it's disgusting to say like oh look at that whale tail. We go thar goes flukes

Thar goes flukes. Yeah, that's when you see underwear sticking out. Yeah, interesting Well the men prepared the whale boats with harpoons and rope and the harpoons were sharpened one last time As the ship overtook the whale and once the Essex was within a mile Three whale boats were launched one commanded by the captain one by the first mate and one by the second mate where they were once sailors They were now Hunters. Yeah, they put that other hat on. Yeah, no, it's kind of it's fucking crazy what you have to do to hunt a whale Yeah, I mean, it would be funny if they were just like hunting chris christie Because he's a big fat guy

Always forward for some of the best most current Member bridge Now each whale boat Seeded to see who could reach the whale first, but they also had to make sure to not scare the whale away by making too much noise So the captain's the whale boat had to quietly coax and cajole the men in a way that's both aggressive and oddly tender a little bit of Cheerleading here's an example and henry. I want you to do this verbatim. Please do this verbatim. This is this is verbatim Do for heaven's sake spring the boat. Don't move. You're all asleep. See see there. She lies scored score Oh, I love you my dear fellows. Yes. Yes. I do. I'll do anything for you

I'll give you my heart's blood to drink only take me up to this whale only this time for this one's pull Oh, oh, oh, St. Peter st. Jerome st. Stephen st. James st. John the devil on two sticks Carrying me up. Oh, let me tickle him. Let me feel of his ribs. There he goes on go on Most on most on stand up starbuck Don't hold your iron that way put one hand over the end of the pole now Now look out dirt dirt Man, dude, you trying to flirt with me man? You were gonna go kill this whale. Men get very close on the little boats. I know they do

Now on the first attempt at killing a whale on the Essex voyage a 20 year old named Benjamin Lawrence through the harpoon, but when it made contact with the whale's hide the once docile 60-foot long creature became a massive deadly monster cool with just one swipe of his tail A sperm whale could destroy a whale boat and indeed when the harpoon whale got aggressive A second whale came up from below and smashed in an entire side of the boat with one sack of the tail I wonder if we did whales call it go go in human name. No, they were just trying to fuck They're just trying to live lives. Yeah, none of the men were injured, but both whales were lost Days later after the whale boat was repaired the lookout sighted whales once again there. She's coming

Oh White froth and cream And the boats were launched after catching up to the whale a harpoon was successfully lodged into the whale's thick hide And the creature took off dragging the boat on what was called a nann took it sleigh ride That's what they do. They stick the harpoon in and then the whale goes running and then you follow with the The the boat being dragged by the whale and then you slowly but surely pull yourself Next to the whale by the rope. I didn't know that really happened that happened in the first god of war And I think red dead redemption. There is real education. They're teaching the kids

Do you also get did you get radicalized by an e-girl trying to get you to join the air force? I'm gonna play the new call of duty modern warfare, but I've got to flip my entire political Thought I need to even to join you have to give money to someone. I'm starting to think they had weapons of mass destruction Better go over there for freedom weapons of mass distraction. Oh, wow yellow cake I remember Hans blitz. Yep. I remember all this is 40 The traveling at speeds of up to 20 miles an hour a whale could drag a 25 foot whale boat by rope and harpoon for anywhere between 20 minutes and 24 hours Depending on how much the whale felt like putting up a fight

Once the whale tired itself out though the crew would haul themselves within stabbing distance and there the real Carnage would begin. Yeah, it gets fucking gnarly. So literally the whale at this point. It's exhausted probably near death Well, it's tired for certain. It's tired. Yeah Yeah, well the harpooner and the mate would trade places so the mate could take the honor of the kill and using a 12 foot long Killing lance with a petal-shaped blade the mate would stab the whale again and again to find the whales vital organs Yeah, it was not an exact science. No, may I say aren't they always in the same spot? Um, I mean it's a very large and I mean it's that's the thing It's not like you're dealing with like a bear like you're dealing with an animal that can be anywhere between 40 and

80 feet long. Yeah, you know, and that's the thing is that it's also one big tube It's a tube of guts. So you're just fishing around with this fucking mate looking for the important ones Yeah Well, the goal was to find a group of coiled arteries in the vicinity of the lungs because the head was too hard To stab the brain and the heart was buried deep within the whale But when that coil was punctured Everyone knew because in author Nathaniel Philbrick's words the whale's spout would transform into a 15 to 20 foot tall geyser of gore

Whoa It's fucked up. It's like Nate Mayer in Elm Street when Johnny Depp got killed. Yeah. Yeah. This would be met with a cry of Chimneys of fire That meant that the whale was drowning in its own blood and would soon be dead. Yeah We've all had a chimneys of fire moment though fun. Oh, absolutely after buffalo wild wings Yeah, the whale would then vomit and die in a pool of its own blood and puke in a nasty Drawn out death. It's very sad. Yeah Now once the whale was dead the three whale boats would latch on and tow the 40 to 60 ton carcass back to the ship at a rate

Of one mile an hour. Whoa. They're cooking. Oh, dude Usually they could expect to tow the creature about five miles But once they got there the entire crew turned from hunters to butchers and eventually factory workers Who wears the new hats? Tony your charge of bringing the butcher hat. I don't know what I am unless I have a new hat on Oh my god. All we got is these davin buster's caps that say I love being a cock Well, it said that whalers for some or I'm sorry dick slasher Yeah, it says resort but also davin buster's like every time I go there

I see so many guys wearing hats that say I love being in a cock. Yeah, it's different though I think they're just selling them like it's merch. Yeah. Well also speaking of death, you know buster committed suicide. Yeah Yeah, that's true. That is true. Wow. Yeah, wow If the lord of fun can't live, I don't know what we're supposed to do. Yeah But when it came to the first whale killed on the ill-fated voyage of the Essex the corpse was tied to the starboard side Pieces of blubber were cut from the whale and lowered into the blubber room below decks where it would eventually be processed into oil Once all the blubber was stripped the sperm whale's head Which constituted a third of the sperm whale's total length?

It was cut off and hauled up to the ship's deck pouring out blood and It's so gross. It's just like it just must have been so fucking gross really ploppy a lot of plop And they also built these giant kilns that were on the boat, right? So they had these like brick ovens in the center of the well that would be used to bulliel the blubber into the oil Yeah, and we'll get to the artiginal pizza. Yes. Yeah, it is definitely from thin to table Yeah, we'll get to the boiling of the blubber here in a second But once they brought up the head a hole would be cut out of the top of the skull And men would climb inside the head with buckets to remove all the spermaceti. They could get their hands

I love the feeling of I love the smell of spermaceti in the morning. Absolutely Because you just get right in there, man, and they would just they would just be scooping out with their hands Because they want to get every little bit of it. Yes. Splunking for sperm. Hey, it's spelunking for sponk. There you go Well, I have to sponk it After that the men would return to the body and probe the whale's intestinal tract with a lance Searching for another substance called Ember gris. Well, that's gonna be full of shit. Yeah, that's the thing. It's they're doing the worst possible shit But guess what it was used to make what perfume?

Poopy perfume. No, I know, but was it the human was the whale poop that made the perfume? I know it wasn't whale poop. It was something like it was some sort of disease Um, if I can perfume was made out of a disease. Basically, I think what it was it was sort of like, uh, if you Crusted out a solid waxy flammable substance of a dull gray or blackish color if you like kind of if you crusted out somebody's, uh, arteries, you know, like fatty arteries It's kind of like if you cross it that out and then made perfume out of it It is used to allow the scent to endure much longer But now they may figure out a new way to do that. Yeah. Yeah, and they said it sometimes and the dogs love it

Oh good. Well, that's been nice and it was worth more than its weight in gold. Wow Yeah, and the whale blubber would then be boiled in a process called trying out the whale See when the blubber was boiled into oil. It produced cracklings on the surface That's not bad. You need a crackling. I'm a good old crackling. I love a crackling. Yeah But they would use they would skim off the cracklings and use it as fuel meaning the whale was used to burn itself Could burning yourself. Yeah one green hand described the trying as having the quality of a quote Indescribable uncouthness. Yeah, I feel that yeah, I feel that it is indescribably uncouth. Yeah, but this isn't that bad I mean, they just they got to cook up the whale. They got to prepare it

You know, they're also doing that on a deck that is covered in half an inch of blood There's guts everywhere. The carcass is strewn all over everyone is covered in this shit for days at a time Actually, that used to be a trick that they play on the green hands Is it what the green hands it smelled so awful and it was so terrible that the green hands would change out of their Clothes after every shift what they didn't know is that Your clothes are ruined if you wore them during the trying right So what they would have to do is buy more clothes from the ship's canteen

And that's how the green hands gotten a debt to the ship before they even came back Perfect business. I'm business. I'm business on business on business. Yeah, it would be fun to make a bloody snow angel. Oh, yeah Typical green hand Well, additionally the smelly thick greasy black smoke created by this process smelled in Herman Melville's words quote Like the left wing of the day of judgment an argument for the pit Yeah, but then again as you've said we talked about a little bit earlier Some of the more experienced whalers would go to would they say love the smell because that means the expedition's going well Okay

Well, this process went on continuously in shifts for three days After it was all done the deck would be mopped up the corpse would be cut away and the search for another whale would begin anew Now by the time the Essex had killed this first whale They'd already been out at sea for four months a poor showing by any measure. Yeah one whale four months No, it's bad. It's been bad. This was disconcerting to everyone on board because remember whalers made a share Not a wage and the voyage wasn't over until the hold was full of oil And there was no guaranteed exit to their contract now. So they could be out there out there until the hull is full They're actively killing their product with no ability to like regenerate it as well

So that was a concern to them harder and harder Pocahontas was wrong He said this is the top of the episode. Pocahontas was incorrect because was Pocahontas in charge of walmart. I don't think so She had sex with a 60 year old man. Yeah, and she was 12 at the time You can buy her action figure though at walmart. That's right. That's where in the end That's in the act where she finally gets her comeuppance You can also buy the guy fox masks at walmart and targets. That's great. That's wonderful. Sharply ironic and it will start way possible Yeah, and our board game also available at target target

Good work. Absolutely. It's very fun. The only complaints I've had is from people who are too stupid to figure it out You mean us? Yes, literally us because they explained it to us and we're like, well, we can't do that But no people have loved the game Now once the sx finally rounded Cape Horn at the southernmost tip of South America They made their way up the coast of peru where they finally hit some luck and they began killing whales at a clip of one every five days But just as things were turning around the sx met with the aurora owned by the same company And captained by the former captain of the sx daniel russell Now russell told pollard that he'd heard about a spot over 1,000 miles west of south america

Where another captain said that he'd fairly quickly fill the piship with 2,000 barrels of whale oil It doesn't make any sense because he just wailed it It's like going it's like trying to go on a slot machine after the person just won the jackpot They're like, oh, this one's lucky. No, you're a fucking moron. Yeah, I remember that when you don't win at a slot machine And they covered you in whale blood Man, they gotta stop us. Well, I mean the reasoning was somewhat sound. It was like, okay This guy killed all these whales last november. It's may when they're talking to each other It's may of 1820. So you can go this november and then you can get the spoils this time

Well, you know, and that's the things there are at this time. There are millions of whales in the ocean It's not like there's like 15 whales that everyone's trying to kill. I will say It is, you know, I feel for the marine biologists that they talk to and all of these documentaries Because each one of them literally on the verge of tears like they're all so much. They love whales. Wills are their life And the sperm whale can only really reproduce every five years Which I mean, of course. Yeah, it's it's horrible It's a tragedy but it's awful It's tragic but it's that too where it's like so they don't really repopulate that fast

No, no, they really don't like the sperm whales. We now know we not have a specific language for each family Each family and they have names for each other. It's very sad. It's very sad. Very sad. Yeah Well, this new spot was called the offshore ground and in reality It was more like 1500 miles off the coast of south America. These guys really estimate a lot of shit Yeah, big estimations from what we now know the offshore ground is roughly the area around Tahiti and Easter Island It's the South Pacific So taking a chance captain Pollard decided to head into fairly untested waters Because they were only halfway to filling their ship with oil after having been away for well over a year

And really this is again not the worst decision Had it not been for one fateful whale and finally he's nominated for an Oscar. Wow Now before heading to the offshore ground Pollard ordered his men to stop off at the Galapagos island So they could farm for tortoises because true to form whalers were a fucking virus that consumed Everything in their path in the pursuit of oil. Well, they also had fun because they're also their own little bowls Yeah It is sort of how they use it, but it's really fucked up. Yeah, they did to the turtles because they were like They had this idea of like turtles don't eat

Like they just said these just had this kind of like fantasy Like oh no your turtle you can just keep it on a boat because it doesn't eat. Yeah turtle does eat Well, that's the thing is that a turtle actually can go a year without or a Galapagos tortoise can go a year without Food or water because their metabolism is extremely slow But to them to the whalers this met turtles don't eat turtles don't eat well for a year You know that makes sense. Well tortoises they weighed between 80 and 100 pounds. Some could be as heavy as 400 pounds There's some massive tortoises out there and sailors loved eating Galapagos tortoises

We now consider to be like one of the most precious animals in existence Another one they're like, this is tasty. Why don't we cut off the head throw the rest of it in the garbage? Yeah, excellent. You'd eat it Henry. You need a tortoise right now I don't like turtle. Yeah, I've had turtle. I don't like it. If you loved it. Yeah, sure. I'd be great. I love it Yeah, wipe them out But I But I ate it. I think it's gross But it was also let him live

It was the turtle just competing with the dolphin and the whale so turtle meat is probably much better Turtle meat was top because it was lean and tasty. It was a white soup You can make a soup now and their necks are actually full of fresh water. So that's an extra source of water That's not tasty. It's not Poland spring But they're a little straws. Yeah, they are because they grew up in they evolved in a volcanic environment And so the Essex crew disembarked and collected 180 tortoises for the rest of the voyage Just imagine the end this fucking crew of whalers just hauling off on the Galapagos islands With a bunch of sacks and just getting all the turtles and taking all the turtles away

And then they stacked them like boulders in the hull and then the turtles that they couldn't stack They just littered the fucking deck with tortoises. It's kind of fun to have a bunch of turtles around there But just somebody was like, that's my turtle. You don't fuck with me. Oh, you must be well I can guarantee there's a couple of them been like that's my friend. Yeah, yeah, of course Well, because they're doing nothing for weeks at a time. They're just sitting on a boat hanging out with turtles Yeah, just talk to the turtle. You can play hungry hungry turtles No, you can't play hungry hungry turtles because they thought that they were not hungry hungry turtles Yeah, well not content with depleting the tortoise population of the island one of the harpooners

Lits some bushes on fire as a prank You thought I'd leave one thing alone But no, no, I could set fire to that as well. My uncle did that Or a july 4th one day on accident. What? He lit a bunch of but he threw a grenade and rolled up a bunch of bushes Oh, that's fine. That's in wisconsin. Yeah, you could set fire to whole patches Yeah, it was the 80s. I think it was the 80s. This fire burned on the entire island Yeah, it engulfed the entire island in flames and it was still a blackened wasteland years later never fully recovered Still to this day kind of fucked up, but it's like 30 years before darwin. Yeah

Yeah, by the time darwin got to the galapagos islands Not only had whalers completely just decimated the population But san franciscans had also discovered that turtles are super tasty So there was this pipeline from the galapagos island to san francisco People were just going getting a bunch of turtles bringing them back. I could see slaughter and all of them on the fucking page Just being a turtle and just being like You guys have beef You guys have chicken. You guys have pork. You have so many other far more delicious meats than us

How in the living fuck did you find me? I'm covered in a protective Shell, I am there's all of it saying don't eat me. Don't eat me. Leave me alone sailing thousands of miles to grab All of you dying of scurvy and all you should just eat this disgusting wormy meat I don't know. It's um, it's ready to go. Yeah, again, it is a microwavable dinner of the sea Yes Now to give you some perspective on how time worked on a whale ship The Essex heard about the offshore ground in may and set course But they didn't actually arrive there until as I said

November of 1820 This is actually perfect timing because that was the month in which sperm whales were supposed to arrive there It's presumed that it was a breeding ground By then they were 1,000 miles from the Galapagos islands and hadn't seen a whale in weeks Which raised tensions even further. Yeah But finally the lookout spotted a whale and first made oan chase was the first to launch his boat But before he could throw his harpoon the whale surfaced underneath his boat with enough force to throw chase into the air And the creature escaped further increasing frustration aboard the Essex

And especially further increasing the frustration in oan chase A bunch of the turtles laughed though Four days later whale spouts were seen once again But while the other two boats managed to harpoon whales oan chase his whale boat got smashed by a whale tail Oh Anger that he been knocked out of the hunt again chase hurriedly Repaired his boat by very quickly and very loudly nailing canvas over the hole and he returned to the fray This was a captain's idea. Yes, because he was like the first mate's idea

Yeah, he was like, let's just fix this up real quick. We got to get him back out there So instead of properly fixing it, we'll just nail this piece of canvas to it. We just got interesting I haven't seen such a large whale tail since I was at the out the mall in New Jersey. See that's fun Now behind the helm of the Essex was cabin boy Thomas Nickerson all of 15 years old Because when everybody like when the whale ships launched almost everyone on board were on those ships only three people Were left behind to keep the ship from sinking. I mean, that's where you want to be you want to be left behind in that situation Very much so very much. So yeah, well Nickerson later wrote that off the port bow

He saw very suddenly The largest sperm whale anyone on board had ever seen an 80 ton leviathan 85 feet long as big as the ship itself. Yeah, and they because we had sort of you know We had run through a lot of the bigger whales already Because this was a bull whale was a large male whale and that we've discovered at this point that we had been Searching for these big whales because that's what fills up the hole. That's what fills up the hole faster than the little bunch I've seen some documentary footage And so he wanted to but so this was a rare find and this thing was specifically

Extremely on the fringe of sperm whale sites. It was very kind of it's like almost like at first You're like, yes, look at the oil and then you finish like oh, no They got to deal with it. Yeah Now whales rarely attacked ships usually opting instead for the whale boats that we're obviously trying to kill it In fact in nantucket lore No whale had ever made a direct assault on the main ship or at least No one had ever returned to tell the tale of a whale attacking a ship But this was no you're telling me it's a whale tale about a tale of a whale or are you your boss? Very good

Yeah, it's a kind of a limerick, but this was no ordinary encounter. This was the whale of ahab Oh The book He's not like an instagram influencer. Oh, I know captain. Captain ahab. It's a moment. It's a literary illusion Yeah, you can you know the tale the the whale of a cabs covering tattoos and stuff Whoa and tifa and tifa You're more like aunt tifa You really nailed it

We're hip Well swimming beneath the surface of the water with its head directly pointed at the Essex The whale dove and came back up 35 yards away and with a tremendous crash It rammed the side of the ship sending sailors and tortoises flying across the deck man. What a day for the tortoise He's gonna be like come on. Can I get a breakout here? The whale then swam under the ship and bumped the bottom hard enough to knock off the false keel Then it resurfaced near the rear at the starboard quarter Now at this point first mate owin chase actually had a chance to harpoon the whale and maybe save the ship

But he hesitated. Oh But that was actually the right decision Because the tail was dangerously close to the ship's rudders and if the rudders were damaged everyone would be fucked and Conventional knowledge held that this whale probably didn't attack the ship on purpose conventional knowledge whales don't attack ships So it's like, okay. Well, I'll just get it the next time around And we thought about maybe removing those huge perfect whale tits from the bottom of our vessel I don't know. I wouldn't recognize the boat without it. Yeah, it seems like this whale really wants to fuck

You he probably did that is it kind of what they probably what it was doing was there fucking I don't know. There's a lot of theories. There's a lot of theories But had chase taken the chance He might have averted the many tragedies to come The whale still in a sort of insane rage that none of the whalers had ever witnessed. I hate velma Very good it began snapping its huge jaws and thrashing at the water Then it turned back towards the Essex at a distance of 600 yards and it twice his original speed It torpedoed the ship with its skull. It's it is very cinematic

Like they're just in the boat and you watch this thing because they said it was stunge, right? So it was kind of like flopping next to it and they're like, oh what's going to do and they watch it swim away and they're like, oh Yeah, like let me over and then just watching it turn around like oh Shit, it just destroys because they're talking about like it was like eyes a wonder like the way they talk about like When it just hit the boat, they're all like this good. Literally. It's just never happened. We've never even heard of this happening Yeah, brutal and with that the Essex began sinking bow first Nice if you're a whale, this is a great day. You got all the food

Well, one of the sailors william bond had on his own initiative Retrieved the navigational equipment in the officers quarters and ran it back to the spare whale boat being prepared for sea Had he not done that? No one would have survived Bond and the others made it just as the deck of the Essex was inches above the ocean surface and the great old ship capsized moments later Two miles away the third whale boat commanded by captain pollard Could only watch as the Essex sank below the horizon. I mean so much better to watch

I mean I guess thank god. We're not that guy But you know that everything's fucked because all of your shit was on that right? Yeah When pollard and his men returned they found the hull floating on her side And each man stared at the wreckage in silence in what chase called quote the paleness of despair By owens later reckoning it was less than 10 minutes time between the whale's first attack and the eventual Capsizing of the ship. So the lesson take the chance when you can every day. Take your shot. Take your shot Take your chance. Take your shot. You in are you in Becky? You like her today? Sure. Sure. Are you in the middle of harpoon Becky in the belly?

And drag yourself closer to her minor for her oil which is her blood Your amber grease cut off the top of her head and suck out her brains. You want to be a comedian? But you live in mandovi, wisconsin You can pick up you get on the plane you go to new york city. You moved to downtown mandovi And you start the yucca hut in downtown mandovi And now the 21 men were all huddled together in what amounted to large open-air rowboats With only the clothes on their backs and a bunch of now fairly useless harpoons But all this begs the question. Why did the great beast attack?

I hate Velma! I know. I know. Well author Nathaniel Filbrek believed that it may have been a case of mistaken identity See sperm whales use a cartilaginous clapper system The cartilaginous clapper system is used to create a clicking sound That sperm whales use to see through echolation and they use it to communicate with other whales Here's what it sounds like Well thank you To drink your old vultine

All right You guys don't get this reference Now the females have been more Yeah, it was a quite droll Almost a british sense of humor in the whale Now the females have a more scold like series of clicks It's closer to what we just heard But males have slower louder clicks that whalers called clangs

And they learned to listen for clangs because a clang meant a bull and that meant more oil Sure clangs often sounded like the tapping of a hammer And it's thought that when first mate Owen chase nailed the piece of canvas to the bottom of his whale boat in haste He might have transmitted sounds that told this other whale that there was a competing bull in his territory Yes, and he might have been there slinging his own his actual calm He might have been we don't know and they're always saying that he bumped into the boat accidentally or some of that talk They don't know whether or not he first hit it. He didn't know what it was and then he's like what? What the fuck you trying me and then he came back around and he did it again. Yeah, what's the devil himself?

Yeah, or it was It's also another theory Yeah, but it was more like he wasn't trying to fuck the ship. It was that he was trying to kill Another whale that was trying to fuck his whale. I've seen reality TV. I know how this works I've watched a lot of Bridezilla recently. Oh, yeah, not doing well. Well, this is why they had this theory Typically when a whale fought with a whale boat or a whale ship it used its jaws or its tail But whalers have noted that competing male sperm whales will attack each other in a similar way to how the 85 foot long bull Attacked the Essex head-on. Oh

And while the Essex was indeed made of strong white oak It was 21 years old and it gone through two serious storms during that last voyage alone Oh, yeah, making it no match for the leviathan that attacked it cool And ironically it has since been found that the echolocation system in sperm whales Seems to be built around the organ that produces Sperma said whoa, so this thing was full of it. Yeah, man to the brim frothing with it And that means that the thing that the whalers were killing the whales to get was their eventual engine of destruction Wow, that's like being someone who makes wine who's killed by grapes. Oh, no, I slipped on these grapes

I fell on my my artillery shell. I went up my ass. Oh, yeah, that does happen. We've seen that two different stories I've been like twice twice a year on science stories. Somebody gets something shoved in my ass And so captain pollard ordered his men to salvage what they could from the floating wreckage They found two casks of bread 600 pounds of hardtack and several barrels of fresh water now This sounds like a lot and it was I mean, no no It was for a year long. It's a lot too long to fucking read 600 pounds of hardtack. That's a lot. What's hardtack hardtack It's hard bread. It's like really hard. Yeah, it's a hard biscuit that you have to soak in water in order to eat

Which is difficult because they don't have any water. Yeah Well, actually salt water might be good on that. No, it's not actually they try We'll get into why that's a horrible idea on the next episode. A little sardine dehydrates you But the thing is that even this was far too much for the whale boats to carry the 25 foot long boats There's that there's like and there's seven guys in each of these row boats So they don't have a whole lot of room for food or for barrels huge barrels of fresh water, right? So they took what they could fit along with a lot of tortoises and a couple of hogs

Are they ever eating these guys? It's hard because now you've got to find the room to you got to take them apart. Yeah Yeah, after three days of salvaging what they could and constructing makeshift sales for their whale boats They called them dibs It's cute. That is nice. The men were suddenly quote. I love this phrase bludgeoned with despair I know that feeling a little bit but not like that not like being marooned on a boat Thousands of miles away from a coastline. No, but just like being surrounded by a bunch of bread and pigs. Yeah I mean like, uh, they could still be like all these bread pigs, but I can't eat them because none of them are prepared

That's hell that that's hell. Yeah Now some of the men began fainting from anxiety as reality set in and they couldn't eat or drink Which they this should have been when they were eating and drink at least Put kind of putting on some pounds because they were having to leave a lot of food behind But they couldn't because they were so fucking scared. Oh, come on. How scared do you got to be not to be able to eat? I've been that's like a daily occurrence I'm an eater when I am scared. Yeah, you gotta build that. That's your that's technically your brain your reptilian brain saving your life Yeah, no, man. Well, sometimes your reptilian brain tells you you can't eat because something is trying to kill you

Yeah, if you stop to eat then that thing is gonna kill you. That's mine. No, you can eat on the go That's when you you got to release scat If you release scat then they're the predator looks for you scat. Absolutely. The scat is like it's almost a hologram you Always. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you. I love that scene in star wars where that was just scat It'd be like Darth Vader's here. Help me Obi-Wan. Yeah, no, things were made worse than Actually what I was thinking about was jar jar big scat. Yeah He was so scared when the poodoo came and you said, oh, no, you got to donkey poodoo or whatever the poodoo was There's a lot of poodoo. I don't know what that was all about. I do like jar jar. I'm team jar jar in without him

They wouldn't have survived because he knew how to fly or you know Yeah, I think he didn't he didn't he didn't know how to do the boat though. He just sat there and screamed the entire time Funny comic really screamed who's funny comic live, but I think you would have little turd. I think you would have rather Or is it like that hippo video where the I don't know. I don't know. I haven't gotten to that Disney plus series yet. Oh god Well, things remain worse. Our shits seriously. We're very close to that always moving Everything is content. It's all content Things remain worse the next morning when the Essex began to break apart and the whale oil

Jar Jar shit just hit him in a fucking toilet making mouth just masturbating in front of him. Me so shitty They won't let me they won't let me pitch. They won't hear my pitch dude. I know man. I know we had our chance as a pitch media It's oh, we had them starter logs We're those in a way that was almost watching our manager be so sad and then we were laughing We had no choice Yeah, well the Essex began to break apart and the whale oil that the minute worked so hard to harvest Slicked around them in a reeking pool from which there was no immediate escape Now by noon on the fourth day captain Pollard had made his navigational calculations

And was ready to discuss options with his first and second mate of which there were actually quite a few Okay, first they could backtrack to the Galapagos Islands 1500 miles away This was a bad option for multiple reasons and likewise Hawaii that was also discussed They knew where Hawaii was but the small vessels couldn't survive Hawaii storm season They were right in the middle of it They could also sail west towards the island of marquesas about 1200 miles away, which was a pretty smart move Marquesas had been a popular port for Chinese traders for decades and the island of Tahiti was reachable as well Both could be reached in less than 30 days. Sounds fun

But by 1820 Nantucket sailors had come to believe that many south pacific islands were infested with cannibals Coincidence Strange See a few years earlier a us navy captain had published reports that in time of famine The people of the marquesas islands would butcher wives children and aged parents for food And another visitor to the island said that the natives greatly enjoyed human flesh and quote Those who have once eaten it can with difficulty

Abstain from it. Oh, they just absolutely love it. I think coconuts might be better. Oh, absolutely Again, it's also a bit like a fear of the unknown race. Oh, yeah You look at this thing and you kind of paint it being like, oh, no, they're primitives and they must eat each other Well, it's a bit but also what's this but they are there was also within sailing life Cannibalism was kind of referred to as a thing that was like what they called it. They called it the custom of the sea That was their euphemism. Well, that's horrifying. Uh, it's kind of like cannibal holocaust in a way Well, that's the thing. I mean was cannibalism practiced on south pacific islands from time to time. Yes Was it cannibal holocaust? No, it is not. I'd give him a pinky toe. I'd be like, here's a little

Why don't you nosh on it? Why don't you suck on that bone a little bit, all right? Yeah, suck on that bone. There's some good mar on there And from what it seems captain Pollard probably knew this especially since Tahiti was by this time home to a thriving English mission Complete with a large chapel But captain Pollard's style of captaining was decidedly more democratic Which was absolutely the wrong style in a fix such as this I feel like when you're on a bunch of boats, right? And then everything's gone. You're fucked the idea of taking a vote At that point, you're like, let's just go with my fucking idea

You got to be a leader just sometimes then you get back to the democracy when you're on the boat when you're on the land But this is at the time to check the polls. Oh, no, you got a lead here Well, Pollard knew that heading to the islands would increase their chances of survival But most of the men were scared not only of the cannibals But by the fact that the people on those islands also openly accepted and practiced homosexuality Which is just like you're on a boat, bro. I know you're seeing I know That you provide comfort every once in a while. I know you see a man hurting for it. Yeah, you're sitting near me like our Yeah, I could get in them their homophobia was so deep

There's marooned in the middle of fucking nowhere possible going to be wailed me at any time But the idea of seeing another man's bull sack was like I'd rather have this Yeah, I mean It was both things combined with each other's like not only the cannibals, but they have sex with each other They have sex with each other. I mean come on. We're here at sea. Yeah, we'll suck each other's dicks all the fucking time But they love each other Private Ben Shapiro, that's really not the biggest deal It doesn't matter a woman should only be ready if you dunk her in a pool

I know you're such a you're a manly man. You're a man. Can you go back to please cleaning out all the turtles? And so instead of hanging out with a bunch of chill gay dudes and Tahiti probably having a wonderful time Chapter seven margaritas Chapter nine Wow, this this really this really jumped the shark there Herman instead of that they went with arguably the worst option Great, they decided to follow the easterly trade winds back to the coast of South America 1500 to 2000 miles away by their reckoning where they'd hopefully be picked up by another wailing vessel

And this would become known this would become forever memorialized in the writing as the fatal error All that had to happen was one dude had to raise his hand much like they did in the 90s and say Brothers are gay. We're pushy for us As a result in trying to avoid cannibalism the crew very ironically guaranteed it Oh, man, and that's where we'll pick back up for the conclusion to our series on the tragedy of the Essex Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. That's why it's good to be skinning on a boat. Yeah, it really is. I'm starting to think I'm a little pro whale Yeah, man, we all are we all are pro whale because it comes down to it. They they asked they asked for it You went out there you went to try to hunt this giant animal that just fucking sit there and then sometimes you go

Fuck you up. Yeah, and then maybe we'll figure out I I bet you because they talk about how many times he ships what missing how many more whales killed ships Yeah, and must have happened way more than they ever thought that it did all for fucking candles for candle candles It's candles were the part of it, but it was straight up. It's the fucking lubrication for all of the the Machines, yeah, it's the lubrication. Yeah, we'll get into it later. But yeah, I can't wait. I mean really, uh, what happened with whaling is Yeah, we'll be slick with it. Yeah, we'll be real slick with it. But yeah, it's we're gonna be completely covered in KY That's great. Yeah, it wasn't until the discovery of petroleum in 1859 Uh, that whale oil started going out of fashion. So you compared to exxon mobile

Yeah, exxon mobile was what killed the whaling industry all comes back to lubrication, man. All of it. Oh fantastic That's why I'm pro exxon mobile to this day Brave stance. Yeah, I know. Wow, really brave. Thank you all so much for listening Uh, do we have anything to announce? We have our australian tour That has been rescheduled I would like to invite you out. I'm going to put up an information on my sechel media But we're gonna be doing a bit of a side stories live april 8th in hollywood Movie theater helping me promote a project I'm working on. I can't help me for what a project I'm working on called disaster man

But it's gonna be a big fun live show. I can't wait. It's gonna be great So come out. We'll figure out we'll give you more information and you know it rolls out It's another classic last podcast booking. I got a phone call from Henry and he was like You don't mind it booked us on a show, do you? And I was like, absolutely not. Also another last podcast booking because this is the first I'm hearing of it You see it's for side stories. It's her side stories. You could just be entertained by us. You could just sit and watch. You could just be entertained by us. Oh, that's perfect. Why would I do that? Just because you get getting up. Wow. Wow. Can't believe it.

But also if I'm showing up in the audience, why don't I just come on stage? Well, why would I have sex with the cow if I can get the mill for free? Yeah, why would I have sex with this guy at the cow shop? That's great. Well, You're not invited. Give me an anti-ticket. Yeah, exactly. This is a ticket so you can go anywhere but here. Absolutely. Great. Perfect. Sounds good. Perfect. I'm gonna go while I'll go watch a movie. Go watch one of your bands that you like. Don't see Avatar 2. It's a waste of time. I think it was fantastic. It's fine. It's a screensaver that talks. But also check out Deep Dives. We're having another season of LPN Deep Dives.

This time it is with the beautiful Natalie Jean and the very talented Jackie Zabrowski. And beautiful Jackie Zabrowski. Yeah, absolutely. But you guys can check it out. It's based on the book series Accord of Thorns and Roses, which is this. It is a fuckbook. It's a series of erotica books. It's apparently very thick. And so they're going to talk about it. It is this book series has ripped through the lives of our families. Every woman in our sphere ended up getting addicted to these books. They're humming with it. They're humming with these fucking, these fey man. They did really deep dick. Absolutely. It's Valentine's Day is when that will. Fantastic. And thanks for supporting our little serious

ventures. Oh, yes. Open lines and hail yourself. That's Monday and Tuesday at 6 p.m. PST. I've been enjoying, we've been enjoying the phone calls and just another little nice way to interact. I like to see the people in here. And I got to be Brandon Marshall, the football player. And he said, I said, I haven't been kissling. He said, I'm Brandon Marshall. And it was very nice. And then he regards me now. That's all I want to be at. I want to be the hello. However, I would like to ask you, though, if Henry would have introduced himself, do you think that he would have kept noticing Henry because he's not this because you're the same size? Brandon Marshall, he was a thing that he can recognize. I feel like he just,

he just throw towels at me. No, no. I think he's, we record next to each other. And I think he's impressed with how energetic we are. Oh, wow. I told him, I told him means he, no, I told him what we covered. He's like, oh, that sounds, I was like, you a bus, aliens, fun stuff. He's like, that sounds really cool. Cause oh, he talks about football. So anyway, he can be a guest on. Let's be great. Let's be great. Let's be awesome. Very attractive. Yeah. Yeah. He's a big guy. Oh, and also last comic book on the left, volume two. It is out and it's delivering. Yeah. We've got it. We got him in the mail. They look fucking fantastic. There's some great stories by some amazing writers in this. We got fucking Rick

Viach. We got James Tennian. We had David Mack do a fucking cover. It's fucking amazing. It's so cool looking. Yeah. It's great. It's beautiful. And I just, I'm, we put a lot of work into it. And I'm glad you can finally get on like Playboy. I read it for the pictures. Okay, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. I just had it turn around. Hail to yourself. Hail to you again. Look at the lesions. Leave the whales alone. Please stay away from the sea. For now. They're fascinating, mysterious creatures until they figured out how to build a military. Yeah. Because then they're coming back. I feel like they're going to come for revenge. Can you bring a big spear onto a carnival cruise and just start wailing on it?

Just hang up on the hamburger buffet. Oh, yeah. Cause they're big people. Yeah. I'm just, that's where my family was. My cops. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.