Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 525: Gille de Rais Part I - Bluebeard

Episode Date: March 18, 2023

It's time for a dark history lesson this week on Last Podcast on the Left as the boys begin the tale of one of the most twisted figures in French Medieval history, companion-in-arms of to Joan of Arc and notorious serial killer of children, Gille de Rais.

There's no place to escape to this is the last talk on the left That's when the cannibalism started All right boys, oh, you know Big stuff, yes So today's episode is a classic example of having to go through Marcus's mind In order to get to what the rest of us like I got my raincoat on yes, please do my nice shoes You were in your nice shoes No, no, they're they're too cut up avocados

Oh, just talking about just feet coverings that you're calling shoes for Marcus's brain. Thank you I would recommend sturdy shoes. I would as well Rocky it's craggy in there. Yeah, Craig. Yeah, I think it would be wet to be honest And craggy. Yeah, it's like the coast of Iceland either way I hope you're fucking mind cloaca is ready for a bunch of a hundred year wars data Because I gotta get through it to get to the good stuff. It's not getting through it. It's getting too cock about how much Shovels except for shovels that are used inside of little girls Story all right welcome to the last podcast on the left everyone Ben hanging out with Henry and

Marcus today's episode. I think this is fantastic because we're getting back to our French roots Oh, yeah, we've always been so we've always said we began French. I love the French Currently going through a bit of upheaval They're always going through a bit of an upheaval France's national identity. Let's get into some upheaval of the past She'll do ray. That's who we're talking about today. You did a good job. Thank you the French version of George I'm not sure but Marcus also did good in the entire outline where he wrote out phonetically the fronch I see that single French name every single French location. It has all been written phonetically

So as to not gain the ire of the people who care how I speak French Absolutely, and of course he did spell out the words Gerard de Pardoux G-R-O-P-E-R for Groper. That's really good. And a bit of a tinkler But for all of you guys know what that means. He pissed in an airplane We all know he pissed himself on an airplane after drinking too much red wine. At least he wasn't sober But those are for all of you clamor and for blood It's coming. It's all right Gilles de Ray was a 15th century French medieval nobleman who reputedly tortured raped and murdered

Hundreds of children in some of the most brutal ways imaginable in the castles on his many estates And that's the only way to do it as far as I'm concerned is it's the only way it's kind of appropriate Is if you have many many castles and many many estates I'm talking about the way he in which he murders like you really don't want to do it tenderly You want to make sure you do it brutally? No, he was talking about the real estate angle of all this And that's what we really want to get into these prices Well, Gilles is a story reminiscent of a game of thrones books one of decadence palace intrigue Backstabbing wide-scale slosh plagues heroes martyrs murders and black magic

I thought you were gonna say and boobs There are actually boobs here It boobs come up. No, yeah adult boobs. Okay teenage boobs With inflation their adult boobs french roots. That's what this entire episode is about is our french roots No, gilles de ray has been said by some to be the basis of the bluebeard fairy tale Which first appeared in written form in charles perot's 1697 story collection called tales of mother goose It was a heavy story for mother goose absolutely a heavy story for mother goose

And you try to tell your wife that you weren't eating out of smurf you come home with a bluebeard That's funny again funny stuff or you're addicted to silver nitrate Yeah, colonial silver This of course is where we also get the modern versions of sleeping beauty cinderella and little red riding hood Mother goose sanitized these versions for children So as to avoid scenes such as the one in the original tale where little red riding hood Does a strip tease for the wolf as a last resort? I mean that's what that's my play Yeah, if i'm trapped in a room with a wild wolf like a snarling dog

So it was important to get good and naked so that that wolf looks at you. I think and understands for a second That's your name or two. Yes, indeed. And if you get hard at it, they backed out Absolutely correct, henry and don't forget the new pixar movie little red riding hood about the talking clitoris that could Wow I am so hung over for my own stupidity No in that version of the story It doesn't work the strip tease doesn't work and the wolf eats everything except for her arms. Cool. Really? Yeah

Well, all these stories come with a moral and the moral of that one is trying to discourage women from sex work I think if you try to strip your way in front of the wolf the wolf will eventually eat you Well, I think that actually is an important lesson to learn just because the wolf will eat you but at the same time Be naked when you're dead. I think that's important. Die naked Go for it. I agree Now the mother goose version of blue beard is actually no less violent than the original version of little red riding hood In that version a nobleman with a hideous blue beard attempts to murder his newlywed wife For disobeying his orders to not look in one particular closet while he's away on business very johnny

Uh john Wayne gasey of him. It is she of course looks and finds that the closet is full of the corpses of bluebeard Previous wives who had all been killed for looking into the closet full of corpses of previous wives who had also looked into the closet They just all it's just a constant vicious cycle. What's the moral here? Don't look in rooms. Okay But just as bluebeard is about to decapitate his latest wife Her brothers appear and save her and she thereafter remarries to a kinder man and lives happily ever after Not one of the brothers. No, no fantastic, but the interesting thing No It can take weird turns very much. Oh, and then yes, she gets double teamed by all of her brothers

I guess quadruple teamed by her entire family and then all of a sudden like what book is this mother who's Absolutely, and it's like you're gonna go to grandma's house today. Hi. I'm grandma. I'm also your mom I don't understand That one I'm also gonna be the grandmother and the mother if she was tagged team by her own brothers Yeah, right? Yeah, that does make the insides man work out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I follow you Soon as you're coming into family member, just call her out But the interesting thing about bluebeard in relation to our man gil deray is that gil never murdered a wife Nor did he have a bluebeard

While gil is often referred to as bluebeard in modern times to the point where both of our main sources for this series Have bluebeard in the title the stories have nothing to do with each other There's no historical basis for gil deray being related to bluebeard More likely bluebeard was based on a dark age's ruler named conomor the curses That is cool. This is where history is cool. Yeah, because you guys find these guys Like these are he's a literal guy who took the nickname the cursed You know, I mean like you have to be like truly very difficult man. Yeah, absolutely Yeah, conomor the cursed roamed the forests of britney as a werewolf after death

And later served as a spectral ferryman for the britain river where he absconded with christian souls Whoa, that's cool. Like in a game of telephone of history. What do you think people would say about us and what we are like And what do we do in an allegorical sense? Henry the pork dweller Oh pork dweller, yes But one possible explanation for gil deray's connection to bluebeard is that both he and conomor the cursed were from britain And over the years the name bluebeard may have just become a byword for any cruel french nobleman Who delighted in the murder of innocence Also, there I think the one similarity is what as we'll go through all of the many accounts of what the actual quote unquote

Crimes of gil deray, which we will cover all angles of it Uh, but the I think the concept that he had bodies hidden in his home I think that is probably that is the one direct connection has a lot of bodies hidden in this home And there were a lot of bodies around where he was Wherever gilderay was you would find a lot of bodies of dead children stuffed into pipes burnt in You know gigantic piles funeral pyres. Hey, this just sounds like a coincidence to me It does seem like he has a more than a he has an unusual amount of child corpses or surrounding him It's kind of like you don't really want to be bill clinton's best friend. No, you don't they die

Now we actually have no idea when gilderay began murdering the peasant children that he either kidnapped or bought from their parents But during his trial he was accused of spending the previous 14 years of doing so he did however correct the court Saying that he'd actually only been murdering for eight years. See that's how you know he's a murderer when he has to do the thing where he's like Um, actually about his own series of the generation of child rape. He's a nerd. Yes Wow, he took he's like, yeah, if you take a look at my reddit profile I think you'll know I started murdering eight years ago Look at how many times I've gotten gold for murdering children

Why can't I be like you? But to that point we also have no idea how many murders gilderay actually committed at the low end Estimates put his body count at around 140. Dang. That's the low end The more sensational accusations have gild murdering almost a thousand children. I mean at that point though How are you doing anything else? Yes, seriously thousands of children now are like, okay. All right, buddy. That's literally overkill. Did he hold down a job this whole time? He was a bit of a gadabout during some of this time He did have a job as a soldier which we'll get into but he was a nobleman

their entire lives were based around decadence and showing how decadent they really could be he was also a A theatrical producer for a little while And a wizard. Yeah, he had a lot of different hobbies. Wow a wizard hobby. Yeah, it's vanity hobbies So yeah, but you could describe a serial killing as as a vanity hobby. Oh, I wonder how many people Russell Brandt has killed Just wait a year until that becomes a marketable thing that he can say on his spot What we know from testimony during gilles trial, however Is that the sheer number of victims and the freedom he exercised in their killing It allowed for an escalation of cruelty and gruesome experimentation

Not seen outside of Dennis Raider's wildest fantasies because again Dennis Raider didn't have the institutional family money It would take to make these giant fantasies come true. And that's really what it comes down to it's about investing your money correctly That's why we here at Robin Hood investments really think that if you want to build up your build up your opportunities for child murderer By thinking about tomorrow today Integrated marketing integrated marketing complete. Good job. We don't they don't even cover us. They dropped us years ago Yeah, yeah, they did but I mean with Robin Hood's a scam. Anyway, fuck those pieces of fucking shit Also Robin stole from the rich and gave to the poor, but like Robin Hood That means they're gonna take all my money and then give it to someone else

mean on fire today Fire fire But I mean to the point of Dennis Raider when Dennis Raider was a child and when he was an adult He would draw these elaborate like peepee dungeons and like, you know, when he would draw, you know, draw these huge like, you know Psyotos or trains would come and like run over women, but slowly Leonard Lake and Charles Zing They did the same thing the giant descriptions of massive Torture castles and like an underground bunkers filled with rape rooms. Jill DeRay did that

Like he made all of that a reality No, but of course there's also debate as to how much of that is true. Yeah. Did any of that really happen? I mean, of course all of this is well documented His trial was well documented where they found the bodies was well documented and that's the thing is that this story This is not some dark ages tale. This is not rumor or legend Our story occurred during the hundred years war. It heavily involves none other than Joan of Arc Yeah, she shows up and I got to say terrible haircut great attitude. Absolutely legendary But if all the tales of DeRay's savagery were invented solely for the trial, then it would not be a stretch to say that 15th

Century France was home to some of the most imaginative gore hounds this side of Herschel Gordon Lewis It's almost like there was a hundred year war that they lived through it was like They saw a lot of blood. Yeah, they saw a lot of violence personally Just the people of France saw a lot of shit that would continue for a very long time It feels like again, this came from it was like plague hundred years where all of this stuff is all happening all at the same time So it was a very violent time period and shield array That's why we don't know whether or not people are mix spinning fantasies out to do a political hit Which will kind of discover it would talk about the basis of eventually

But the or is it just because guides like shield array came about and kind of utilized a world of mass Violence and kind of lived amongst it in a way that was how they were ready for and loved and embraced seems like Mr. Gilles DeRay needs to have a one-on-one interview with Oprah and really clear the air That would be incredible. Yeah shield array with its 15 year old Joan of Arc just seeing visions next to Oprah They're 15 feet apart COVID and it's so nice that they're in the middle of her giant bunker And they got drones in and out, but again, they don't really want attention, but they have a lot of cameras there at the same time But before we get into the whole story, let's acknowledge our sources for this three

Maybe four-part historical extravaganza. Yeah, they recovered a lot of ground in this show We have shield array a biography of bluebeard by Jean Benedetti and bluebeard by Leonard wolf and don't worry all ye well actually is out there We will get to the shield array is innocent rebuttal at the end of the series. Yes, we will Now as opposed to the dark ages of connor more the cursing Oh, no, I won the lottery, but I lost the ticket Shield array was a middle ages noblemen who lived through and fought in the third face of the hundred years war against england And the hated burgundians of france. I hate you

Oh, absolutely the way that they are just constantly throwing rotten fruit at you Because I you know what's bad about stinky old fruit ain't wine yet Bring it to me when it's wine, please. But of course, you're a burgundians kids under eight eat free So don't worry about it. Also, if you have the gout half off half off here at burgundians Well by the time yield array was born the hundred years war had already been ebbing and flowing for 67 years Oh, it's only 67% did 67% done and you only got 33% left a little less than 67% actually because it actually lasted for 116 years What's a living fuck? Why is we not doing a whole episode about that?

116 year war doesn't really sound good. Yeah, that's dumb. That's dumb hundred years. That's perfect Well, it was three phases. It kind of been kept alive through squabbles between france and england and sometimes between france and france But france was in france france was half england. Yeah, well, I will get into that Ah, man, I don't understand. I'm excited. This is one of these wars that like it's a pen That's how I was like with marcus says we were doing the production call. I was like this week It's all about you explaining to me and kissle. What has happened? Well, I think I have done a passable job. All right, let's get into it But as it goes during warfare both medieval and modern and as it went with the victims of gildere

Those who bore the brunt of the violence and horror in the hundred years war with the people caught in between Yeah, man. It's always the turkey in the sandwich. It gets the teeth. Absolutely. That's a fantastic saying. I like it It really is really made it up. That's fun. I hope you did. Yeah, because if you stole that from someone Yeah, I stole it from a very stupid man. Yeah. Yeah for the armies at both sides of the hundred years war Regularly turned the french countryside into a blood-soaked plague-ridden horror show of desolation and death Filled with rotting cattle and deserted villages populated only by the skeletons of the people who once lived there It's like williamsburg in york. It does sound like that. All right Really fun. Did they ever think about picking up the skeletons and maybe moving them? Why because you want to build a house

No, because all that's going to happen is this next day. Yeah, the french just pushed through next day british You're going to push through you're just going to have to fucking pick up skeletons. It's why I don't make the bed I see this is like when you know, you're going to start a bender on friday So you're like bad fucking. I won't clean my house till sunday Because what's the point? I'm just going to tear this in a fucking self-hatred filled rage Just again and again and again. Why clean got you and if I'm going to go on a bender on friday Why do I really need to put in effort on thursday? And then if thursday really isn't going to be a big deal then wednesday might as well be out the window either

Yeah, what the fuck am I doing wednesday well wednesday if I don't give a shit tuesday Glocky, you don't even get me out of bed for glitzen Those are making really valid points here But the armies were only the half of it peasants also had to contend with the mercenaries the land pirates the free knights All of whom plundered villages for food supplies and kidnappings land pirates just sound like they're in ship formation But they're too poor to have a ship Keep going it is oars going boys. There's like stuck in grass captain. Should we find water, please? Are you to the plank when you just jump six feet to the ground?

Well kidnappings and pillaging that was how most of these men including the official french soldiers That's how they derived their pay in fact It was considered respectable for a professional soldier to hold people for ransom to fill their pockets This isn't a reminder to the audience So when you are you know, we're in this period of time where we're a little bit more self-conscious Then we would have been in the past about like and have this knowledge So we're always like end of the world is happening right now when it's actually on the world used to be like way more dangerous And this concept of like weaponizing looting because I use that sieve

So it's extremely important when you're doing a domination run right because you got to get those guys in there You get Calvary and they're going really fast. They rip up all the natural resources. So you cripple them supply wise Then you get them from the back you come from back They don't even fucking expect all those in the siege towers or on the fucking unoccupied lands around them And they had no fucking clue that you were coming until it was too late If you went back in time and just told yield array that story but didn't say that you learned all that through a video game You could have become a general. I would have been a general and that's how I view this all this like yes Every second time I read about medieval like war strategy. I'm like, yes, very good

I did use that in the campaign of 2019 when I went to the torture museum in when we were in Italy You know the one that would you stand up and they shut the door and it's got a bunch of spikes in it I was too tall for the Iron Maiden Yeah, I think they would have they went to done that to me. They would have beat you to death I think they would have stabbed you with a bunch of swords. I went to one Italian torture museum That was fucking awful I was just in this room and then this slat opened up and it was just this guy eating delicious spaghetti on the other side You know, I kept slamming my face

And like rubbing up against me that there was nothing you went to an Italian jerk off theater An Italian jerk off booth where you just watch And the reason why life was so chaotic this could all be traced back to what else but the black plague It had killed a third of the population of France between 1347 and 1352 And when you combine that with the body count in the hundred years war It's estimated that France lost half of its population in the 14th century That is to say the central government of France hadn't even come close to recovering by the time Gildere was born By the time of Gildere, France was more of a collection of individual leaders who levied their own taxes

Coined their own currency and enforced their own laws. Is that also kind of what happened in Italy? I have no idea. We'll get on to that I'm not going to say yes nor no because I don't study Italy. I don't even know what time period you're talking about Italy is shaped like a boot That's where I'm at right now. Italy is shaped like a boot and France is shaped like a butt that's sitting down Oh The way I could kind of describe it is that imagine if all 50 states were their own small like if states rights were taken To their extreme and America was just a loose confederacy

And every time we went to war the president would have to go to every single state and like beg them to join in on the war And often pay them to do so. Oh, you can get someone to go to war so easy now. It is it's almost too easy I mean the guys that are volunteering real hard like too easily. You don't want them That's the problem because that is the problem a lot of them are just human body shields because they're just like a 250 pounds of fucking apple bees batter When you put your ar-15 so they bought from the fucking from the tour web and others That is spot-in-law. I heard they're very easy to use. They are easy to use and the new ads for the um For the army are hilarious because they recognize how fat and lazy we all are

Yeah, and they're literally just like you like to play video games, right? You want to fucking kill somebody? Yeah Well, you're in well in france. There was a king. Yes kind of but france was by no means unified and marauding bands of brigands Pillaged raped and stole their way across the country without fear of reprimand because the nobles cared very little for the peasants Even though that was supposed to be their whole fucking point also to protect the people Yeah, but also seems like the the nobles sort of kind of understood like if we get in the way in the armies They'll kill us too, right?

And so they probably go like they're just in their castles just go like what's bad out there It's like watching shit happen like oh, oh don't do that Well, likewise the military commanders of france at this time who answered more to the nobles who paid them than to the king at court They were no better than bandits and in fact gilderay is one of those noblemen He was no more no less brutal than his contemporaries on the battlefield. He truly was a man of his time For french nobles the point of war was not service to god or country But rather the collection of more wealth more land and more everything And they would because it's destabilized right so they all are kind of acting as if they are their own mini kingdom

So everybody is taking whatever resources that aren't nailed down to kind of protect themselves from each other I mean, that's a very generous way of looking at it I'm just saying I'm saying as a man who is again led many campaigns in medieval Europe I understand why one would do as such and as a man who sees very much the parallels between this and say modern times That it seems like a bunch of assholes and gigantic castles hoarding wealth like a bunch of fucking dragons For no reason other than that they have a mental illness that fucking makes them collect wealth above all and fuck the people That is more of an ungenerous view of the same circumstance Italy, isn't it shaped like a bird?

Isn't it though? I won't tell you you're wrong. I won't tell you you're wrong I mean, this was all in service of a pointless decadence that would lead straight to the guillotine a couple of centuries later In the french revolution for these fucking useless noblemen But back in the 15th century this meaningless indulgence at the top seemed to encourage the base instincts of the soldiers on the ground Here in my best dan carlin history boys Is a description of the horrors that a peasant in the 15th century had to look forward to when soldiers were spotted on the horizon Now we will need some light sort of like history channel filler when we in post when it's up there really fills this out

Absolutely not when dan carlin speaks dan carlin speaks into silence because the words must be appreciated I thought dan carlin didn't like talk for like five years and then talked a lot It seems like it's more the opposite that he's talking a little bit over those five years one day at a time Yeah, we'll say like one said and said to a microphone and go Work done for the day and then just go back. He's living a charmed life. I love him. He's living a wonderful life. Absolutely They took women and children without difference of age or sex Raping the women and girls they killed the husbands and father in the presence of their wives and daughters They took nurses and left the children behind so that they died for want of food. So good

Thank you They took pregnant women and chained them so that they gave birth and chains The children were allowed to die without baptism and the mother and child were thrown into the river They took priests and monks chain them up in various ways and beat them so that they were maimed for life and driven out of their mind It's the drop you do the drop Some were roasted alive. Others had their teeth ripped out Others were beaten with huge sticks and none were freed until they have given far more money than they could afford And that doesn't sound like a very good time now. Does it that's great?

The most obscure on the money Yeah, deep cut podcast reference. That's really really well done. Thank you very much. He's my hero. What can I say? Yeah, you know, this is my impression of dan carlin doing an impression of marcus parks Oh, yeah, no I don't think I sound like that Dan lasagna is ready And I told you if you talk in your radio voice at dinner one more time or getting a divorce honey I told you I wish it was different

But when it came to contemporary medieval accounts of what was actually happening in france Let's see our section from a medieval text read by Henry Zabrowski The countryside is desecrated and shepherds are slaughtered There in the dung without a bed with a dead sleeping one on top of the other and piles Many noble shepherdesses were left alone without their lovers So many heads cut off so many feet fists So many arms without hands. It's wow kind of a lot. It's a lot I think there was never so much as a shedding of human blood nor slaughter more cruel

Not since tuesday, not since tuesday. So the it's there. Did you feminize the word shepherd to shepherd? It is shepherdesses. Is that right? Translation from the french, which is probably something more like that. It'll be interesting No, it's shepherds and shepherdesses. I didn't know there was a female version of the shepherd. I thought there were all shepherds back in the day Gender wasn't as complex as it is now. Oh, is that right? And so yeah back in the day some shepherds They had ding dongs, but other shepherdesses they had woohoo little red riding hoods Now this savagery was of no concern to the nobility of france during the 15th century every castle as Henry said was its own Little kingdom every castle had its own little private army

It's cool. And there in the castle the nobility ate lavishly while the peasants star It's got to be on the right side of that lance. What kind of what kind of animals would you put in your moat? Uh, I before I want alligators. Definitely any alligators. Yeah, that's that'd be good hippos if I could get them Hippo should be great beavers. They build their own walls They're working for you. Yeah, but now I'm the one I need control of the walls No, no, no the beavers. They don't build they build the walls across the river They wouldn't they would actually ruin the moat. Yeah, they would ruin the moat. They'd fuck up the moat Yeah, they'd just treat a ditch which is so useful but not as good. I'll train cats to swim

I actually kind of just want to put dudes in the moat. That would be great Do you remember the lady I showed on the stream who lived in the lake? Yeah, that lady what if it's those guys, but it's dudes, but they got guns Awesome, perfect dudes with guns. And if you want to see that, of course patreon.com slash last podcast on the left We do the stream every Tuesday live at 8 p.m PSE integrated marketing Nice Well, the measure of a successful noble was not in the morale of his people or even necessarily in how a deputy was in battle

Rather when it came to the respect of his fellow nobles It was all in how decadent and luxurious the life of that noble could appear to be It's kind of it's kind of like instagram Why is it like instagram because you're seeing everybody else's highlight reel We're not really seeing who they are as a person. That is true But but nobles like it's it is I feel like it's the concept of constantly trying to separate Themselves from the hoi-polloy and like we're chosen to be this role So we kind of live this extravagant life because it's what it's what we were chosen to do for you to look up to us

Aspirational and it's also about competing with the other nobles like again if you want to compare it to today It's like you got a big boat. Fuck you. I got a big boat inside my big boat Wow, and my big boat inside my big boat also has caviar the turducken of boats Also, hoi-polloy a fantastic strip club where all the girls look like bobbers What's bobbers with the bob fishing bobbers? Wow weird. That's surreal. That is like that is literally like Hoi-polloy, they're gonna be round. I just don't understand with the girls that look like they're round Oh, so you're saying it's a round that doesn't make sense because lures are like skinny No, no bobbers. No bobbers. I mean he could have just as easily said beach balls. He could have said basketball

Any other kind of ball? That was interesting That was like that was a I wanted to bring you to my Jungian therapist and have you say the same sentence It's just you're wet That's why I said bobbers Well as author Jean Benedetti put it so succinctly French society was like a man who finding the world hostile retired to his gilded chamber to masturbate Oh, you're talking about me in 2020. Yeah Well, of course some nobles took this decadence to violent extremes that none of the others dare dream of and that brings us to gilderay

Setting the tone setting the scene now. We're meeting the man. I don't know what he sounds like Gilderay was born in the year 1404 Appropriately in the black tower of his family castle at chambalt say Hey, nice. Wow. Very good. Thank you Durey was born to two nobles named gileval and marie de crayon as a result of a complicated legal dispute Over property between noble families that is far too complicated to go into here. Okay. Someone say board. Yeah. All right All you need to know is that by the end of it gilderay was the sole heir to his first of three massive fortunes

Dang, and he's exactly as you imagine the sole heir of many medieval fortunes would be as yeah Gile was therefore raised by servants in what was referred to as quote the cocoon of luxury A little prince who had little to no experience with what the world was like outside of his pampered existence Why is my milk warm? It's poor melania trump I don't understand why is no one praising me yet today I think it's good. I mean, we'll work on it. It's a four-part series. I'm bouncing. No, I know I know why this is maybe gil baby gil, of course, okay?

That's good. Okay. We're gonna Now we're talking Yeah, you want my tea? Yeah, you want my tea? I've been a man this whole time, buddy. I know Oh Well, it was said that gil was to sleep in an airy but not windy room looking out to the east So that he might be gently awoken by the sun. Hey, let me start son Are you the one with today? No, that is spanish. I love me That's not

Is it? I know mr. Son. As long as it's not jamaican. I'm happy. Hey. Oh god. Now you should wait Well, it was ordered that he be bathed often, but not too often lest his skin be softened Hey, man, you need the skin just leathery enough to be a man about a horse But you also need to be soft enough to be touched by a fine maiden, which is the line I ride Absolutely feel these hands We all have very sweaty very sweaty. I take near actually my hands are quite rough Well, they've they've softened since you've been off the field Well, he ate consomme as a veal beef and

Partridge but did not eat fish because it was said to make children too calm Too calm. Oh, yeah, so they wanted them all wild. Yeah. Well, I mean listen to the drinks They gave him he consumed the standard noble child's beverage Which was five parts boiled sugar water and one part french wine man. That's cool. Whoa, so they were getting hammered Yeah, and then why didn't get you drunk like it used to I don't think I think it must have Well, I think back in the day. I don't think wine and beer and all that was quite as strong as it is It's not like an IPA or anything. No, no, he's not a total douchebag. He's not drinking IPA's That's safer for old and McNeely

But why wouldn't the wine be any I feel like it's still the same thing I might be talking to my ass. I think it's because they just drank it more regularly That's what I would say because they drank it because it was better than a lot of the water the most of the time Yeah, they didn't drink they drank beer more than they drank water or at least that's what the commercials told me Yeah Love that one. Yeah, that was nice when friends used to call friends on rotary phones. No, I remember But concerning Gilles behavior, he was also unpredictable physically aggressive and destructive Yeah, because he's fucking sugar high and drunk on wine. He is what's his name lord far quad from trek

It soon became apparent to everyone that they were raising a psychopathic monster with no boundaries And if anyone tried punishing him they themselves would be punished even more harshly Are we on our david miscavige series still? No, no, no, we're setting up for our future baron trump series However, it was also clear that gilderay was brilliant and by the time he was an adult He was considered one of the most well educated men of his era He was tutored in sciences art music literature and theater, of course, which we'll get to later Okay, when gilles was still a child though, both of his parents died within the same year

His father and a very Robert Baratheon s death was gored by a wild boar while hunting died slowly in bed I'm pretty certain. He must have just taken that because there are certain things you he said the characters were inspired by history Like as you research george rar martin. You mean yes, and that sounds like that is his death Yeah, that's absolutely robert baratheon's death. Yeah, yeah gored by a boar. That's kind of a fun way to go Oh, I mean, that's the things that you eventually just have to sit in bed and then you shit yourself to death Yeah, you just shake until you die. It doesn't eat you, huh? No, no, no, it just gores you and then it runs away Yeah, it goes like oh And then it leaves you just sit there and then you are literally bored to death. Wow

Then you just bleed out and shit, huh? And his mother's cause of death unknown. Yeah, it's not important. Yeah, well, I mean die so often It's cold. Maybe she just had the flu maybe well it said that she left after the father died and remarried One of there's one record that says that she remarried, but then she died very soon after it's her His mother is very mysterious. Can she just die back in the day from a paper cut it gets infected your screw They don't have penicillin or anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get hit by a cart You can get jumped on by a horse. You can fucking get one of five different diseases We know to be the plague you can die like that. You can die of just a bad milk

Yeah, a horse could kill you like seven different ways. Awesome options are limitless What we do know is that after both parents were in the ground Gilles had only one living relative besides his insignificant younger brother Who really only interacted with gilles when gilles became a theatrical producer in his 30s and his brother wanted to direct That is a story as old as time I mean really, I mean this story as you'll come to see it's like you'll see like gilles de rey is like a combination Of like harvey weinstein ted bundy and jared from subway. Oh my goodness top three

That's my my dream blunt rotation. You have got a date with this guy gilles He says he's weinstein fogel and bundy all-in-one Does he have a brother? Yeah, but he's insignificant He just wanted to play songs. He's roger clinton. Oh roger clinton or billy carter. I know billy beer Yeah, but when it came to possible legal guardians after the death of gilles parents The most obvious yet worst choice was his mother's father john de crayon Everyone knew this was a bad idea because de crayon was described as little better than a bandit Who had no regard for anyone but himself nor did he follow the laws of god or man

My favorite crayon was the sill marillian I was going to do my crayon joke, which was not to mention how much he scuffed up the floor. Yeah So we are really really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and if you ate him your poop would be alarming It's a one two three content Comedy podcast Well, when gilles de rey's father was on his deathbed. He said whatever you do Do not let john de crayon raise my son

These wishes were of course not met but it's likely that de crayon's influence led to gilles de rey's Unfettered brutality. Yeah, you never want your last words to be like, no, why are you laughing? I was serious Uh, he was a bad guy. There he was and then he learned he trained shield from a very young age He was the kind of the first example of like he was the ultimate Corrupt motherfucker to use the most dirty handed tricks that were technically still like of like common use Like people would use what he used. Yeah, mostly it was in bad taste Well, they would use them sparingly and de crayon used them all the time. That was his only tool in his tool kit What's that one guy to train batman?

Played by liam nisa. Uh, that would be uh, quite a gin Yeah, quite a gin. Rachel ghoul. Yeah, it's kind of like that guy. Ah Kind of like jar jar binks. Kind of like jar jar but just keep saying just remember Italy is like a boot Just keep that out of rotation. Is this good? Well, Jean de crayon raised gilles to believe that their family was above morality just so long as it was to their benefit The closest analog in game of thrones would be the boltons a moral calmly savage and ruthlessly ambitious This would of course make gilles ramsey bolton cruel oddly charming in a serial killer sort of way and reckless But no less skilled in warfare. Okay

To that point just as Jean de crayon was giving his grandson the worst possible moral compass One can give to a wealthy brat gilles de ray was being trained for not just command But battle. Oh, yeah, Jean de crayon must have really scuffed up the floors when he was walking Just man Mr. Crayon comes in 64 On See for all their pampering some nobles did participate in on the ground warfare and gilles was a prime example Starting at the age of 11 gilles began training in 33 pounds of chainmail and a full set of plate armor

It's the sort of stuff that we think of when we think of a medieval night today We know that they are really not as they are more Mobile in that armor than you'd think they would be yeah, if you've you've watched modern like armored fighting Yeah, it's really fun. It's my favorite because that's how I want to work out. Yeah, what they said I got too many hairs Oh my god, yeah The chainmail Because you know how thick oh, yeah, but I don't even think you can wear a watch. No, I can it hurts See I use chainmail to clean my cast iron skillet. It's actually very good for it. It brings up. Yeah

Yeah, I'll actually send it to you. You're gonna love it. You clean with the fucking most heavy metal sponge It's a heavy metal chainmail sponge. It's what works wonderfully. It's like you and Rob Halford Yeah, I have the sponge mommy and the sponge daddy But that's the thing is that I really love the feel of chainmail and I know I want to buy some chainmail But I know if I bought it I just wear it around the house all the time. You're allowed to do that. It's your house Yeah, you're married. Yeah, I actually might be good. Good exercise I actually would be just to have the general weight on your shoulders might be It's not carrying caroline at the at the concerts. I'm honestly getting like when carol avicii

She'll want to divorce you when she when you do that, but it's hard as shit Yeah, whatever you exactly being like you will never get through these emotional armor that I'm wearing and then she can She could you try to serve your divorce papers while I have this metallic visor on can't do it And then she can serve divorce papers when we're doing our panel at wonder Well, Ben you mentioned shitting and how difficult shitting would be I did there was a whole protocol to that Whoa, I mean for peeing most of the time. They just pissed themselves because it wasn't really worth it and things are kind of dirty Anyway, you're already weak. Yeah, you already read. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be uncomfortable But you're going to be fine shitting though. You can't have a big deuce back there. You're unhealthy with your mobility

Life with alongside the holy matron of france while you're sitting in a fucking bottle of diarrhea You know, you know when they did need to take a dump Their squires would actually reach down and lift up their chain mail and would have to sit there As they squatted and let one drop. It's like a lady on her wedding day Just so you know and that actually brings that that reminds me we're starting an intern program here at lpn And it's really going to help but mostly it's about spotting dookie pants. Yes, indeed Whenever one of us has to go because you can see when we scrunch up her face the guitar That's how you know, they run they pulled out our pants so we could free shit

It's going to be nice college credits calling someone actually still drop into the chain mail, but yeah, maybe you have to Horse it out. You're gonna push it out. Yeah, horse it out. Yeah, I'm really gonna splash out in good distance from your body I'm happy to be alive now. I hate twitter and stuff, but like I'm fine. Yeah Twitter, I just don't look at the phone. Yeah, it's fine But when it came to weaponry gil was trained with 10 foot lances ending in metal spearheads He knew how to use swords daggers truncheons Exes cool by the time he made his debut in public life in 1420 i.e. His first battle Gil was ready and nepple babies suck now dude. They don't have any skills

No, that's fucking cool I would respect a lot more like kids like trust fund kids if they came out of it with full warfare like medieval level training Nepple babies have the ability to make us think that they are victims of being rich I know and that's my favorite Yeah, that's a good twist, but I would also like them to use axes But not on me or on anybody innocent. I know. Well, it's at the same time. I like the news story Whatever they do. I will read it go. Whoa like I'll be Oh, yeah, but no, it'd be bad. Yeah, absolutely. So he's 14 years old at this time

He's in his early yeah early to mid teen somewhere around there. Yeah, I mean, he's about 13 14. Show me the detail I mean, I was thinking Heath Ledger a night's tale Oh, I'm a no it's never put you think some I need some right is that was he British and that I actually actually I just got written up in men's health And they said that you were a comedian If you if a comedy podcaster was made in the lab They said that was you and I agree with them 100% I'm pretty certain the article was written by a bot. No, I think so because it seems like it was like a list of podcasts

That were popular like five years ago. Hey, that's still nonetheless But I agree with that and you're You're coming in today It's not wrong now. Hey, hey, you work for Adam Gilles participated in a successful campaign to resolve an unknown yet Probably meaningless dispute between two noble families that resulted in the deaths of dozens if not hundreds of people Gilles then of course returned to his castle to revel in decadence

Cool. This is actually somewhat of a normal pattern for French nobles. You'd go out. You'd kill a bunch of people You'd probably fuck up your own peasants for a little bit You'd let the other army fuck up your peasants a little bit You'd kill dozens upon dozens upon dozens of people then you'd go back to your castle and eat goose neck For the next six days I feel like all of it feels like stressful It's very even the big meals seem kind of stressful and I like a big meal, but it's like partially It's like everybody's there because here's a bowl of sparrows feet, but I would eat that but I kind of want to be alone

Like at that point. I'm tired. I'm burnt out Like because that's what I do at the end of touring and stuff. I'll just like a night horse comes out I'll order like 90 dollars with the Chinese food for myself You say a night horse. Yeah night horse is when the food comes at night when I change to a man that needs that needs different than the Healthy man that was during the day. I guess you self describe as night horse when you're hungry after 10 p.m. This has already come up. We've talked about this I don't remember night horse at all. I don't remember night horse. It comes upon me But I want to be alone because it's dealt with these meals. You still got to entertain

Yeah, I just got done killing everybody. I just like I'm out of juice because we did a whole like group Thump on a bunch of pilgrims and now what am I supposed to do now? I got to eat in front of all y'all while the jester I got to maintain the jester because he's not funny I got to kill him. You know how difficult it is than to find another one Yeah, but you know when you go home and you eat and yes, I cause I completely understand But you want the tv on you want guys grocery games want triple D But I don't want to entertain. Yeah, but there was no netflix. There was no tv. You have to do it live theater and chill I know

So you eat trees you eat. Um, you watch food shows while you eat. Yeah, of course. It's like watching porn while you fuck And you get it sometimes it really does it helps you get re-hungry for the food you're eating No, I don't watch cooking shows. They're boring as fuck You got to watch a cooking show and then what I do is sadly is that this is really true It was like I'll get a food that obviously resembles nothing of like the fancy cool food that they're eating Yeah, like a bowl of cereal, but in my mind I kind of pretend that it's the food that they're eating You don't watch triple D. No We're all different

You know, Italy's a boot I'm a comedy podcaster made in a lab I know I know and he doesn't watch and I've got a brain full of cracky rocks How much guy Fieri have you watched in your life? Do you think ours maybe 10 minutes interesting? Wow And he can still consort with you. It's amazing Yeah, I know him as a character, but that's it. Oh, he's a little bit more than that. He is he's a man He's a man. He's a father another time. He's a volunteer. He's a chef. He's a russer on tour. He's a business owner Thank you, Henry. Absolutely soon to be president. I have nothing. I'll take him

I have nothing against him at all. I appreciated when he followed rage against the machine on tour for like six weeks I appreciated that that was anti establishment He is until he becomes an establishment and then we'll see what happens When guys the long arm of guy Fieri comes for us all you would have to do something real bad for me not to defend him Hmm. Yeah, okay. All right. Well What's real bad catering Epstein Island? I'm guy Fieri and I'm rolling out to America's Places where people have sex with young people. I'm glad that we let it roll out. I'm glad too. Yeah

Well, pretty soon after Gilles first battle his grandfather Jean de Crayon decided it was time for Gilles to get married. Oh, yeah Good for him Now the question of Gilles de Ray's sexuality has been the subject of much controversy throughout the years We definitely know that Gilles was not heterosexual because it was said multiple times that Gilles had no interest in women whatsoever In fact, some of the conspiracies that have sprung up around his conviction for hundreds of child murders and his subsequent death They assert that he was framed and killed because he was gay one of the reasons why he was framed one of the reasons I personally do not believe this to be true nor do I believe that Gilles de Ray was gay

Gilles de Ray was a pedophile full stop It was only sexually attracted to children didn't matter both sexes to go from one to a hundred here His servant said that the main difference in how he treated boys and girls was that he took more pleasure in having sex with the next Stump of girls he decapitated then he did in quote using their natural orifice in the normal manner while boys He just did whatever so he was a man of different tastes and different flavors. We're all made of multitudes Yeah, I guess like spectrum loves his spectrum loves this house chooses love this house chooses love indeed He's kind of like a gary glitter tendencies Far worse

Feel good about that. He really can't Let me call him So suffice to say Gilles de Ray's marriage was not what you'd call successful See if it weren't marrying in medieval times had the best of luck She'd have a husband who was at the very least kind and they might have something that resembled love eventually like the stars Security grows into love Yes, doesn't it? That is why I keep it. I keep you safe from the bridging hordes karmalita Sweet karmalita now. Yo, you haven't bored me a son. Unfortunately. I'm gonna have to cut your tits off

Oh, no Yeah, so nice is probably just they don't get killed. Yeah, they don't get yeah nice is like they are There's some love back in the day. I feel like there was somebody who knows every once in a while I would hope so. Yeah, Ned and Caitlyn stark. They had they were fond of each other. They were fake, but yeah They must have had love back then too. Yeah, of course. They were I would say a fondness Okay, but for others they were matched with men like gilles de ray In this case, we have Catherine des Thuaires And even though she was a distant cousin of gilles, which violated the church's laws on consanguinity

Her family estates bordered the lands owned by Jean de Crayon. Wait, they used to call brosis love cons conversation Yeah, they mean it sounds fancy, but yeah, that's just no that's them cousins. That's him kissing cousins Cousins marrying each other is consanguinity. Yeah, but it was against it It was against all the rules why it's just why for a long time their marriage was shunned because It shows more that's why like as we keep building the case for whether or not the crimes of gilles de ray were real It's more about like where does the man come from? What are other signs to show the depravity of the dude? Everybody said we are our crew is against cousins fucking like we don't like it other royal families do it Whatever with them again good for them. Whatever they like, but we don't do it and they specifically

They had many options. He was an extremely like the potentiality of his kingdom was massive He could have gotten anybody and the fact that he wanted to keep it in the family Was an immediate showing of like oh, this is like a deviancy that started to grow from early on Yeah, well, there's also a practical side to it as well because Jean de Crayon's lands bordered the lands of Catherine de Thuers So a match with his grandson. It was too good to pass up. Yeah, I did cousin marriage and crusader kings You have to you have to and so in november of 1420 when gilles was in his early teens He rode to the castle the first and kidnapped Catherine de Thuers He then terrorized him. I'm doing the best I fucking can

No, you're doing great as soon as I heard that I just thought of I just wish men were more romantic like they used to be You're mine now Go here woman He then terrorized a monk into performing the ceremony because of the consanguinious nature of the marriage But in her marriage Catherine was vaguely lucky because the marriage was one of the few times that she had to actually be in the presence of gilderay Now, that's not to say that he wasn't physically and mentally abusive to her when they appeared at the standard festivals Baptisms and weddings, but most of the time he left her to live at the castle who's urge where gilles never went Now they did have a child 10 years after they were married which speaks to a lot because that's a very that's like a lifetime

Medieval time to wait a long time But that conception was certainly not a romantic endeavor and had more to do with securing Caterines lands and producing the obligatory air more than anything I don't think he ever saw his child. No. Yeah, he did not he had no interest. I did it with the sheet Little hole in a sheet. I think that when they did it it was either Or it was extremely brutal. Yeah, I would imagine extremely brutal. Yeah. Yeah Now, of course the marriage between gilles and Catherine wasn't the only land deal being made through a marriage And it certainly wasn't the only one that involved violence on the part of the deray family

In the early 1420s Jean de Crayon's wife died So he decided to remarry and in order to consolidate land and power even more Jean de Crayon married Catherine de Thuère's grandmother on the say On the zee What who he's a crayon. She's a marker I'm now seeing in your mind. I saw like a collection. I saw the him as your giant crayon With the crown on it and I saw lady with boo. I saw boobies on a marker. Obviously. I saw long hair on the marker

But yeah, wow, when you smell my wife you get high Remember that when markers used to make you high. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I loved it I loved it and then they ended up making the markers that smell good. Yeah, I like that. Yeah the good smell The scratch is different because a great marker was the best marker. They don't do it anymore though Because the chemicals probably caused us all to look at us. Oh, yeah. Yeah Well, when Jean de Crayon married on the sea that granted in the castles tiffage and pesage Oh, right. Yeah, however, these castles would not be passed to gil upon Jean de Crayon's death So Jean had to brute force his way around the law and gilderay was about to learn an important lesson

Jean kidnapped the wife of the man whom those castles were supposed to pass to after his death And told her that if her husband didn't give up the castles tiffage and pesage He would sew her up in a sack and throw her in the river. That's called negotiating Do we know if if the husband likes her? Uh, I mean, it's a matter of honor more than anything It's more just like that's my wife. You don't do that to my wife. I'm the only one that can hate her No, he just she just died the dude was going to get these other castles and then he took the woman that had the castles attached to her And she'd be like, well, you're my wife. No No, it wasn't so you're my wife now is like sign over these castles to me or else

I'm going to sew you up in a sack and throw you in the river Again negotiations have to start somewhere, but she called his bluff. Whoa She refused he did not sew her up in a sack and throw on the river What so to try and negotiate a peaceful end the captives husband sent three emissaries including his own brother to rescue her But they were thrown in the dungeon to quote rock without food or drink Now we're just collecting family. Yeah, they also use that dungeon as a bathroom Have you seen that like the toilet dungeons that existed back in the day? Oh, yeah, where people would shit about the toy. Yeah, and they would it was nasty. You don't want to be down there

No, well, finally though with both his brother and his wife in captivity the rightful heir to the castles And gave up and handed over the rights to the castles in addition to a ransom He then reported the behavior to the crown in hopes of some sort of punishment for Jean the crayons behavior Yeah, he went tattled But to the point of the king having little real power at this time in france to police the nobles When the court sent a royal messenger to the crayons castle the crayon had the messenger Broodly beaten and just sent him back to the king and said that's what I think about that like Jamal. Go shogi Wow, I don't know

Go shogi, you don't know that story the Saudi. Oh the Saudi prince who killed the journalist I didn't know. Yeah, this would be different than that But I mean he did similar To kill the messenger, but yes, he killed the messenger, but this guy wasn't killed He was sent back to the king. He was sent back to the king Broodly beaten and when the court issued a fine for the whole incident the crayon Simply didn't pay and there was no consequence whatsoever And that's a lesson that a lot of men have learned over time for a long time

But if you just don't pay your bills actually sometimes very difficult for them to come get that money It's true now for us The actual rich people. Yeah. Oh, yes, actual rich people. Yeah. Yeah, they're smart Najil Durey learned an incredibly important lesson from his grandfather during this entire escapade See most noblemen didn't conduct business through kidnappings ransoms and savage beatings. They only did it sometime Yeah, he was doing he was acting like a mob boss Like he was doing the thing where like we're good This is how I do stuff and most of the time people just like don't want to deal with it

Mm-hmm, but Jean de crayon was teaching his grandson that a nobleman could conduct himself in such a way if he was so inclined And gilderay was very much inclined towards activities far beyond kidnapping and simple beatings. It titillated him immediately understood like because he jumped right in like that's why Jean de crayon was like Super into gil like he loved they actually were whatever their version I don't even know if it was love But he saw a kindred spirit and took extra attention to make sure that gil was like gonna be just like him So because his grandfather had ignored the laws of god and man

gilderay was now heir to three fast fortunes and if gil believed that he could treat noblemen in this matter Just imagine what he could then allow himself to do to the peasants Right from your grave Now once gil was of legal age and was able to control the fortunes you'd already inherited He began ignoring his grandfather all together and while we don't know exactly when he began murdering children I think it's fair to say that he probably at least dabbled in heinous activities After he was answerable to no one

I mean his whole life of never being answerable to nobody and then all of a sudden you're grazed by a truly corrupt individual And I'm certain there was plenty of abuse being bandied about in his just like as of his way of doing that Yeah, but pretty soon after gil came into his own He would be called off to battle where he could spread his misery across france with every other noblemen who was involved in the last phase Of the hundred years. Whoa hundred sixteen years. Whoa, please Was he actually facing battle? Yes. Oh, yeah So this so that's interesting that they actually sent the noblemen out to truly fight. Absolutely. Well, it was their choice Yeah, they wanted to go because it brought great honor

It brought a good bragging rights and just the that's what you were trained to do Yeah, he was trained to kill and so now they put him out there to go kill and he Really took to it. Yeah, you thought it was very fun Now, I'm sure most of you know that the hundred years war was not a war that lasted for a hundred years straight How long did it last for? 160 years war And it was actually not a hundred years straight It was three periods of war and gildere fought in part three

Okay, there was a couple of decades in between each phase the first period However had been the most hellish the black death in france began and ended during that phase And it did not slow down the war a bit. Oh, yeah, dude In fact, the war only exacerbated the plague because of the thousands of corpses that were created by both the battles And the pillaging in other words if the plague didn't get you the soldiers would oh, yeah And then at least you're killing weirdly in a way. I bet you in a really fucked up way It actually prevented the spread of plague in certain areas because they just came through and killed everybody That would have got the play

It just jumps around fun times All right times as far as how the hundred years war started though it basically came about because england and the early 14th century Controlled much of france through a series of marriages and other royal fluffer all that didn't mean jack shit to most people Then in 1328 the king of france died But due to the rules of succession involving matrilineal lines and other sundry horseshit The king of england was suddenly heir to the french throne. You're in this here, right? This is where it gets complicated You got kissle. Just let it through just let it roll through. That's what I do too. I'm just letting this information Just hit my eyeballs his words the sounds of his words the vibrations are hitting my eyeballs

I'm looking at him seeing him smiling smiling so into that attitude Understand that what he's saying he's happy about yeah brain begins to understand all of this information still technically on Wikipedia If I need it Henry, we're gonna talk this up to fluffer all this is all This is fluffer all I actually been I actually said that word for your benefit You know in particular because I knew you would attach to the word fluffer. I love the word fluffer. That's all he can think about Absolutely, Italy's a boot and Italy is a boot in fluffer all it's a fantastic program Where we send you a fluffer if you have a porn There were their hands are always wet mom and dad aren't kissing anymore

Fluffer welcome to fluffer all man who gets your father hard enough to love your mother What yes, there was a lot like basically a bunch of kings and queens would intermarry between countries For various truces various, you know all sorts of shit. There would be there were so many different reasons Why would they would intermarry but basically when the king of france died? The king of england was the heir to the throne and since england already controlled Which is kind of a snap snap snipperoo, right? It's bad Right. It was a mistake. It was a mistake because then the king of england had the rights to the rest of france The french didn't like this right umbrage to that

So they attacked england and kicked off a hundred and sixteen years of on and off blood check Can we cut to a medieval flutes version of all along the watchtower? That's a really good idea. I feel like that's a good idea made in a lab My mom raised me. I ain't no testy, baby. I just couldn't suck. I know Now by the time of gildere 1425 the great mortality was almost a hundred years in the past And england was under the rule of king, henry the sixth who was at this point not quite five years old Oh, you know five-year-old is in charge of all this shit. He actually came into power when he was nine months old I it's a very important baby. Wow

France meanwhile was being ruled by a 22-year-old named charles the seventh Who was at that time not yet named king because his father had technically disinherited him before he died But even all fucking children run in the show. It happens again when you notice that in a underlying Like that's when to attack and crusader kings three. Mm-hmm Also happens a game of thrones all the time. Yeah, but even so This guy charles the seventh was still in power as the dauphane Which is a french word meaning the guy who's next in line to be the king Now the hundred years war. Yeah, but he is a real fan of dough because so a lot of those guys were pretty big

Absolutely Dauphane Well bread is a sign of wealth. Yeah, well bread was all the people's food. Yeah Now the hundred years war have been reignited 10 years earlier after decades of peace when england invaded normandy england had since come to occupy most of northern france including the cities of paris and orleans So to retake their lands the call to war was sounded and gilderay was one of the many who answered Remember history makes you hot guys Both of our wives are hot women that voluntarily turned themselves into nerds. Absolutely. So now just understand the new cool thing

Is to be super into the hundred and sixteen years war Okay, the last two weeks the only thing that my wife has been talking about around the house is the cold war think about that So when you say this story, it's not become a hot woman in your mind There you go. It isn't that fun and she's using it as an analogy for your marriage It's like a cold Because I feel like we're going through a cold war. I call you so you guys are more it's more of an organized What do they call it's like a it's a theater of conflict. Uh, oh, you mean like a demilitarized zone It's very much so but here from author michael batale or a batay batay

Michael batay. I don't know. I think it might be batay batay But here is a description of a soldier's life during the war There were days of drunkenness after the pillage of an enemy convoy Nights of hunger in which one could not sleep when one found friends who had been taken prisoner and tortured In revenge one tortured enemy prisoners to make an example without hate with indifference One brutalized the peasants one met to avoid being betrayed by them One needed to treat them worse than the enemy one hanged many the population did not get indignant On the days of a hanging the condemned formed a line waiting for their turn without anger without tears

Without cries they helped to put the cord into place They cooperated in the abominable rights that belong to war. All right, Dan Let's take that back with a little bit less emotion It's a little too emotional dad Tell me sherry. Did you not fill out the car resignation form? Seems that our dmv notice is late Good good a little bit less energy. No, it's good Did you have coffee today? It's the it's the true unwavering voice of the unbiased historian. Yeah

Yeah, it's a true radio voice. That is the voice of a true radio professional Yeah No as far as what gilderay did in the war He was not only permitted but encouraged to quench his bloodthirst on the battlefield to the point of carnage That's what it was for. Yeah So technically though, this is he's being a hero again. They're by by their standards. Absolutely. Oh, yeah This is them. This is when the world if it's true that he's like quote-unquote the world's first serial color as they talk about It was perfectly done for him. Mm-hmm. Yes, this made him

He was a reckless yet still very successful commander Part of that was because you was in the early days baby sat by a more experienced commander at the insistence of genre Crayon which he wasn't about to lose his hair after all the bullshit. He went through to get those castles But by 1427 gil had enough experience to command on his own And he used his power and money to help raise five companies for military campaigns in which his boldness worked to his advantage And one assault on the English stronghold of lyre Gilles and his company attacked a large solidly built garrison with a sustained cannon bombardment until his army was able to scale The walls for a full-on assault that you was gonna get the siege towers working at a good like you have this

Especially send in your fast units, right? Because they got to muck up all their land units wherever Especially if they got any weird sort of like individual I use right? You know fighting those and you bring in the siege towers from side, right? Because you have to start the bombing artillery bombing first because that's how you cover it And then you come in from the did you'll do all this while sitting on his heated toilets? Because honestly, yes, but his heated toilet seat was the back of a man Yeah, it was a person. Oh, that's sad When the signal to attack was given gil was the first to the top of the wall

Where he was faced with a famed english captain named blackburn Whoa within minutes gil's sword had quote torn away between the plates of mail and buried itself in the flesh Whoa and captain blackburn laid dead at his feet and then he went and he looked over the corpse and he said show me the With their leader dead english morale collapsed and the castle was taken Now the english were actually spared, but the french collaborators were executed Gilles then moved on with his men high on victory. They decided fuck it. Let's try taking another castle It's always good to do roll with it because you don't get them a chance to set back up

Okay, got you But when the garrison at laman was too tough to take gil and his company returned to court victorious. Nonetheless. Yeah, he already got one He got one w. That's it. That's all he needs. I know as gil was out making a name for himself His cousin George de la truma had been gaining influence and power at court having been elevated to a position equivalent to prime minister That of chamberlain see George immediately recognized that gil was a good ally because he was not only handsome and witty But was rich enough to maintain an army But while gil was rubbing elbows with the most powerful people in France and being accepted into their inner circle Those same nobles were fucking up the war because of their own egos

By 1429 the english had taken control of the city of orlean Or long after a battle known as the day of the herrings. Yeah Interesting. Yeah, the disorganized french had tried to attack the the english supply lines They broke a bunch of barrels of fish The fish were all over the place and the stench of defeat was of course accompanied by the stench of herring herring supply lines That's what they did supply lines always Now nobody really knew what to do at that point because everyone wanted to be the hero. Therefore, no one was the hero Nobody was working together. There was no

Unifying force. I mean, honestly at this point you gotta freak a man You gotta grab one of those fish to eat it raw right in front of him. Let them know you're crazy Yeah, sure, but then they but they're also like that actually looks good. Yeah, they just eat the fish, too That's what they had the fish. Oh, yeah, yeah, they loved all that right But luckily for the court the person who arrived to report on the day of the herrings Yes, was none other than Joan of Arc. What soon as he saw her the first thing he said You go on Wait, no, so Joan of Arc, this is real. This is real. So she showed up in a play so 1000 real. Wow, she shows up

Jildere is there. Yes there. They are Intertwined in history. Yeah, Joan of Arc because remember to the One thing we didn't I guess we did explain but it's one of those things our king the French king is hiding right like He's hiding because there's a French king and then there's also a English king of France. It's a whole thing. But so but morale is falling apart. Okay I don't know what the fuck to do. Yeah, remember at the time period I watched a really interesting documentary called the real Joan of Arc That talks about the concept time Whoever was winning in a war

Mm-hmm was on the right side of God meant a lot to the people Right because the idea was like so while the French were losing it was because they lost favor in God's eyes And that's why they were losing and they they were all falling apart and they had no we had nobody to look at Yeah, and I'm just happy. We don't do religious based warfare anymore We don't know not at all now Joan of Arc biographers tend to ignore the fact that she fought alongside Gilles de Ray quite possibly the most brutal child murderer in known history but historical records show that Gilles de Ray Saved Joan of Arc's life in battle during the few times that she failed Really was in fact friends with the woman who is now a saint of the catholic church

in fact Gilles de Ray's connection to Joan of Arc was why he was famous in France before he was famous for being a child killer Wait, you're telling me that the catholic church has direct ties with someone who might do something wrong with a child I can't believe they didn't even try to cover up Well, that's a part of the the rebuttal to the rebuttal. Yeah, which is they're trying to make It's a long game to try to remake Gilles de Ray innocent because his connections of Joan of Arc sully her name Oh interesting. So she's giving him the good rub. She's just like He hung out with Joan of Arc. She was she became the patron saint of the entire country. It's it's that is all real many years later

Yes, but at the time she was immediately this fucking superstar Yeah, and so since Joan and Gilles were close it bears getting into the bizarre life of Joan of Arc Super weird It's very strange because you don't really know like I went there a couple of sources to try to really Because the mystical end is really interesting because we know that we believe the she believed that she had a direct Line to a series of angels Mm-hmm. Yeah, for those of you who don't know Joan of Arc was a peasant who led France's armies into battle on many occasions After being directed to do so by angels representing God and she did it all

Starting at the age of about 16 Now her military prowess is indeed real There's no myth busting to be had there out of her 13 known military engagements Joan one nine pretty good. Yeah, it owes mostly to her incredible Understanding of artillery placement. It means she was probably fantastic at math. Yeah and understand angles I mean, it's like she just knew every and she also understood intimidation very well She did a thing But this is it's very very interesting because there was a prophecy that was like put out amongst the

Hoipa-Loi-Kissle of France right the bigger shepherds the bigger rounder. Yeah, the bigger round of the The bobbers. Yeah, the bobbers and there was a there was I guess the line comes they believe it might have started with Merlin that's kind of they put it to like we'll get to our was Merlin real series eventually can't wait to bore you That's my shit. We're gonna do a whole king Arthur thing. I'm gonna drag all you through that shit with me Um, but the I prefer the uh, documented history, but that's just me Wow, I can't wait for that series. I'm already gonna come to blows. Yeah, we're going to start that series with Ding ding ding Are you ready to rumble the prophecy was that a woman will lose France?

But a virgin shall save her and this concept of this woman Leo wasn't a virgin. No the woman that law that's There's another person was the virgin. Yes There's basically you're talking about the woman who lost france was why it was that is a A kind of meltdown of the idea of the family lines caused them to lose the throne of france Matrilineal lines. Yes. Yeah, but they said that there was a prophecy this this person's going to show up And it's going to take us to the top and so at some point this girl arrived. She's arrived and she was a She fit the bill. She was uh Full like you'd call her sort of vaguely a heretic, but she was a true believer

She was this she believed that she had direct line of God, which is both challenging to people Yeah, because you had to prove it you had to prove it Which do we you have why how she proves it right somewhat? Yeah, which is like she proves it by guessing who's the king And a group of people that are like the king Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves But uh, so they there's some kind of talk about Well, she trained and not actually some like just some peasant girl Like was she actually of a rich family that she got military training and then some savvy people behind the curtain

Understood like that's the girl. We're looking for that's our Zendaya We need her in front because she fits the this picture that we're gonna do and then Decided there's there's that story whether or not she because she showed up She could jump on a horse She could use a lance now and they're like she shouldn't be able to do it She definitely could read and then she could she shouldn't have been able to read Well, how'd they prove she was a virtue A long process into that here in a second because you know when you hop on a horse

pop Oh The thing is I feel like if you're a virgin for some reason if you kill someone I don't think you're a virgin anymore. You know, yeah, if you kill someone before having sex for the first time Now if it doesn't yeah, you jumped it. Yeah I cried for that child Now it's said that while Joan of Arc the person was very simple. They even described her as childlike personally She was masterful in battle

But really only when she had cannon to back her up when she didn't she lost But that wasn't really the point of Joan of Arc. Yeah, Joan of Arc was a symbol someone for the French to rally around and the English to Fear she freaked the English out. Yes. She was also out of her fucking mind Someone who truly believed that her frequent auditory and visual hallucinations were heaven sent She saw full body apparitions. She said the people that she talked to I mean, she didn't even need meth like the Nazis did. She just fucking had it She they said that she was she never tired. She said that she was up. I think she was like an 18 You know, like and so you forget how young and strong you could be uh, but she would talk with them

There's some Some words she's also said she saw God in lights and sounds and she would see things and that she was given a set of Of things that she was supposed to do by the angel Michael the archangel Michael arrived to her She said number one great hair smelled great. John Travolta. It was But the there's some Sayings that they think that the angels she spoke to are an allegorical Version of actual people she talked to and she would posit as she called her angels

Right, but they were like guys. It seems like in any era. She wouldn't have a compelling story and some followers. Yes Yes, but I mean it also could have been that it's been posited that she had a form of epilepsy Oh, yeah, because she also supposedly when she had these visions. She had she saw bright lights The visions were apparently triggered by bells, you know certain sounds Uh, and it could just be that she was trying to make sense of a very serious medical problem Oh, yeah, and she just fucking ran with it harder than anyone in history So all of the uh opposing armies could just like all rung school bells and killed her. I mean, that'd be incredible Yeah, I would have won now. She was the daniel johnston

Of medieval Outsider military commander. Yeah But the problem with symbols like jonah vark is that they often outlast their usefulness to the people in charge Because symbols are by their very nature unpredictable and hard to control And as we'll see with jonah vark the end of a symbol can be quite messy indeed Oh, yes Now according to jones, she was only 13 when she heard a voice in her father's garden. She said it was about noon Hey, jones, where you going? It's almost to come up

The voice i don't care what anyone thinks. I love it. I love it. It's great. It's fine. The voice It's fine. It was very supportive. Thank you, of course The voice she said came from the direction of the church and was actually quite disturbing every time it happened Oh, jones! Wow The voice usually came with a light she said and the sound of it was uh, henry in effably grave and sweet That is I literally couldn't do an effably grave and sweet if I wanted to because I think it that's how I view like End of do fray

I really can something like that. It's more because that's my morgan freeman. It says that word just morgan freeman That's that's an eff do fray jonah vark Go through a bit of shit give a clean on the other side like that's all I know It's not even good. No, no, it's good Yeah, that is in effably grave and sweet. That's that's morgan freeman Uh, like say morgan freeman in seven when he's talking to gwyneth paltrow. That's in effably grave and sweet Yes, indeed. Your husband is gonna spoil that child as much as you possibly can Yeah, and then her head ends up in a fucking box. Whoa, sweet

I never saw that. I didn't see that part soon. Joe not only heard the voice. That's the only part I've seen Yeah, I just watch it over and over and over and over. This wasn't a box. What's in the box? And then he opens it up and it's just one of her testicles. Okay Hey, okay, we're gonna let that we're gonna let that be 2023. You never know what's in the box Well soon, jone not only heard the voice but saw who it belonged to in her hallucination Joan was visited by st. Michael the archangel protective warrior saint of france and the protector of the balwaf line of the french royal family And it looked her up and down The first thing he said

He said He said Show me the titty Show me the titty Show me the titty. Oh, that's good morgan freeman. Are you here with us? No, in st. Michael appeared before jone He told her that if she was a good child god would help her But only if she sought the help of the king of france first

She ignored the suggestion for years, but eventually st. Michael was joined by visions of two more saints The first was st margaret of antioch margaret the virgin while the second was st. Catherine of alexandria Now if not a virgin, no, no, it's a total slug big hole Gotcha now if Michael was a saint representing french patriotism then the two women represented a moral strength And in the case of margaret an almost militant virginity. Yes, because uh, jonevark was they there was interesting She said she was very Very protective of her virginity

Yes, and she was constantly afraid that someone would say something as coarse as show me the titty Because they uh because she was afraid constantly that she did not like to be in the private She didn't like to be in private with men, but she was afraid of them But she was in private with men a number of times, which we'll get to here in a second. Okay Now margaret the virgin according to legend. It's part of the story I'm not being creepy. No, I know I know of the story. It's fucking the 800 years old A margaret the virgin according to legend had consecrated her virginity to god That plan was disrupted however when a roman governor proposed marriage and demanded that she renounced christianity

She declined and was tortured Which is when the miracles that earned margaret her sainthood occurred the most impressive miracle by far Was when satan appeared in the shape of a dragon and swallowed her up Whoa, that's big, but she had but she had a cross with her and she started tickling satan's innards All right, so the looney tunes type defense. It works. It works Yeah, and so satan got sick and threw her back up. She was a lie. That's why she's a fucking saint That's one of the reasons why i'm also going to just say shred of that Just means that like honestly satan wasn't strong enough in that time period because you don't think that's the first time

Someone's trying to tickle his stomach from the inside You're wriggling around in there. No, I think actually still tickling still works. It's a it's a torture indeed Ask my father. Absolutely tickling still works. Well, that's just so we can make sure he has feelings still Yeah, ask your father Are you saying that you tickle your father or that your father tickled you as punishment as a little boy? Ask my father We shall Well, that's the thing is that this woman after she was vomited back up by satan the roman governor

Decapitated her thus ensuring her martyrdom. Honestly, things just used to be easier. Yeah, a lot of saints got decapitated Okay, I know I just doesn't she didn't not get decapitated decapitated so Most of the time to be a saint. It's because you have been it seems to be a Long-running theme is getting tortured that yeah getting tortured at getting fed the lions getting your head cut off But she also remember she consecrated her virginity to god. Yeah, and so she protected her virginity She did not renounce christianity miracles occurred and then she was killed boom. That's a saint right there I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. No, no, absolutely. No, I fold. Yeah very very fast

And because god was the only person that could say to her Show me that too Wow Now these saints supposedly visited Joan of Arc at least once a week for five years Telling her over and over again to seek the king of france seek the king of france And she neglected to tell anyone what she was seeing until the taking of all lean now We also only know this from her trial We don't know any of this information about her like because because she really did kind of pop out of nowhere

She didn't do much of people She finally gave in to the voices commands and traveled to court to report on the day of the herrings Where she met with Charles the 7th's military commander Acting on the advice of the voices Joan dressed in men's clothing in order to get her foot in the door Then ingratiated herself with two of the commander's men And as it just so happened when Joan of Arc arrived on the court scene in 1429 Gilles de rey was also there. She lady bugged it. Yeah. Yeah But oh, yeah, but opposite

Because lady There's another one It was the one where the girl puts the sock and and then she rips off her shirt at the end and she's Is the boys or something that's called. Yeah, it's called one of the boys Yeah, it's called two boys one cup. No, no, you don't want to say it's girls the boys in the locker or something about like Boys in the girls room smoking in the panties. Yeah Show me the titty show me the titty It's called smoking in the panties, please

Do you want to look it up? He's looking it up. I'm literally searching the I don't know how to google So this is girl dresses as the boy to play football. She's the man. She's the man. That's what it was No, I'm talking about an 80s one where the chick was in the cover Yeah Yeah, we just this is just really because the audience is screaming Oh, no, I don't think it's the remember that she's in the cover. She has a football one of the boys We know what we we know what it is. It doesn't matter. I just remember the woman's breasts in it Yeah, so do I that's the only scene from the entire movie. It was like in a cave or something

It doesn't matter. What's is she in a cave and it was raining? No, that's wrong I forget I know the cover I bought it and I used it In your gilded chamber Now concerning gilderay and jone of arc. Thank you some of gilderay's biographers the ones with more romantic points of view They claim that giel was immediately smitten with jone of arc and thereafter fell in love at first sight No, they go on and on to say that giel was suffering from Orotic frustration because of his wife's frigidity. Oh, yeah

Because that's what they always say about medieval times and marriages too because women are even like they're definitely allowed to be frigid Yeah, yeah, and they also said that jone of arc became a symbol of spiritual and physical longing And her purity kept her out of reach to from gilderay But to the contrary it was documented by several authors that jone gave off No sexual aura whatsoever literally didn't really would not did not want it No sexual or she's a warrior. I believe that yeah, and gilderay was of course a horrific child murderer Who opened the body cavities of his victims so he could look at their internal organs while having sex with the cadavers

While they were still warm because giel disliked a cold course. We're all different. Well, you did you did just I drink iced coffee all through the winter. Yeah, okay, so that was something he used to do. We'll get into that I'm sure but this is a result of what we'll get to with the reason why I think there's also pushback about With these these claims because I think a lot of people don't do the horrible reading that we do and know that serial killers Have done the things that he said that he did because a lot of people be like no one would ever do that But now we know for a fact that that they do do that and then imagine what you would do if you had total complete control And this society wouldn't fuck with you for doing it at all Yeah

Well, and if you had the help of say four to five people like if you had a team a full team of people your cousins and your Brothers are all right like an a team. Yeah, and people that are also covering up for you just like an a team Just like man that reboot that dark Mr. T I didn't know T stood for that Well the author of Leonard Wolfe puts it It was probably more likely that Joan and Gilles were simply two strange people who bonded through continued battlefield experiences and a shared Love of the theatrical. Oh It's just because she was fucking a batshit whatever she was now and he was

He was which is another crazy fucking maniac like a super villain But it's even possible that Joan saw Gilles as a sort of project because while he was a psychopath He was also a skilled and capable commander and so under Joan's influence Gilles DeRay had a brief period of honor during this phase of the hundred years war when Joan was hanging around You mean virgin I for the rapist guy That is what you get when you make a podcaster in a lab absolutely in a lab and I just want to thank men's health for not hiring real writers Does it mean that my memories are fake? Have I always been did you just meet me mysteriously when I was 26 years?

We programmed you this way, but we don't want you to find out this way Yeah, so you know how big of a budget me and Ben had back in 2009 You guys are secret millionaires This whole time. That's why we were recording out of that fucking dingy dank basement. Wait a second. I'm having another memory Was I in a houseboat? Whoa, was I mansuriant? You are mansuriant my friend. Oh cool. Cool. Thanks for the wife CIA No as far as Joan's appearance went all accounts had her showing up at court with a short bowl haircut Shaved at the base of the neck and cut above the ears as was the style for men at the time

And emo Phillips in the mid 80s very much so He's one of my favorites She was also said to be pretty but not overly so and she was average height for the time about five foot two They were very short back then refresh. Yeah But the one thing that almost everyone commented upon and I only mentioned this in the interest of historical context Thank you Everyone from the dukes who dressed with her before battle to the squire who helped her take a dump Said that Joan of Arc had in their words

Beautiful breasts show me Fantastic I thought you were gonna see something more negative about a stench that could come from her nether region That's disgusting. That is absolutely disgusting. She had the many of them. They all said her breasts were beautiful Well, what was it? They thought they but they spoke about suitable suit. It was it suited for Matronly it was like suiting for like that's the term that they used for big bosomed was that it was good for babies The duke did say beautiful breasts in french, of course Yeah, that's it. Well good for them, but I bring that up for a reason. Thank you Some historical misunderstandings of Joan of Arc posit that Joan poses a man throughout her military career. She did not

But yeah, she only dressed as a man until she gained access to Dauphane Charles the 7th the ruler of france. So she she was like, oh, I have a secret for you and then she's like, look at these snackers But it's in this the story where she showed up And she the way they wanted to prove whether or not she actually had magical powers because they heard about this This chick and she had like the power of prophecy and she was getting there like they wanted it to be real Yeah, because they needed somebody to inspire everybody. She had the fake nipple like the psychic and mall rats Yeah, I mean I get what you're saying. Yeah, you're coming from psychic

Yes, like that. She had that But she showed up in court and to the king did the thing where because no one knew what she didn't know what he looked like Ostensibly no one really knew what the king looked like. Yes. And so he hid amongst His his courtiers and they said that if she could figure out who the king was She's the real deal the short guy screaming at everyone basically But then she but she figured that I do feel like there's almost a fear of that They're like, like they didn't know there was very obvious who the king but then she was like And that's the king and they were all like no fucking shit

And they all flipped out and immediately cheap he princessed her which is not it was not taken lightly at the time Like he freaked he saw that still not like uh, it it very much impressed him Yeah And you know, I might be attributing things to her that may not be there But it seemed like she was also she was a good judge of human nature Like she she could tell like it seemed like she could read a room and say like well that guy is being Revered above all else. It's gonna have an aura about it. Absolutely capital G Great person in history's ability to understand her place and time

And what it would serve and so did and that's why it's so compelling to compare her with yield array because it's the two Very opposite sides. Yeah, we're like it really was a true believer And a villain style, but they both kind of understood where they where they were in history I mean how they could affect it. Yeah, and maybe she's just yeah She could just read people and people like looked at that guy and she's like probably that And then we talk about all time how many times we we see somebody that just born modern Yeah In one of these time periods and then they kind of stick out because they have this sort of like

Understanding because you'll see it was her just her basic humanity Change the entire army. Yeah Well at her first meeting with charles the seventh after she revealed her gender They spoke for two hours and it said that charles wept after hearing what she had to say Apparently she had offered a private prayer regarding the Legitimacy of his crown and she was apparently quite convincing And france as henry said it was certainly at a low point here And jonavarck seemed to be if you're looking at it cynically somewhat of a publicity stunt

Oh, yeah, sort of a last-ditch effort to turn this whole hundred years war thing around Of course, she later proved herself to be valuable in battle as well But jonavarck as a symbol was far more important. It was way more important Yeah, of course for those listening the hundred year war was actually fought in three different increments and lasted a total of 106 Wow Yeah, how did you know that? I actually just uh, man, the thing was with crayon Now for some reason now they got this guy macaroni leaves crumbs everywhere Wait a second. I'm made in a lab your memories are fake. Oh shit

Now the dolphin decided that if jonavarck was a virgin then she was sent from god and he'd consider her request To give her an army to retake or lean But if she wasn't then she was sent by the devil and she would probably be killed. Yeah, it was a big gamble So charles the seventh had all manner of church officials and noble women crawl all over jon And they afterward concluded that only goodness humility virginity devotion honesty and simplicity existed within her Now, you know how they tell you if you're a virgin how literally what they do is they Is just the ancient you can do this at home. You want to tell this man like no, no, no, this is real This would be a joke made in a lab. No, absolutely. No, no, no is that you get the woman you got on her back

You get the legs up there and he is you take a little seed You throw it at the pussy. Uh-huh if it bounces off she's virgin. Yeah, but if it's If the seed's dead, that's a lady who's been a husband. She's been plucked if it's interesting if the vagina eats the seed That's how you know, yeah like little sharp a horse like it's audrey too. That was that night's first date No, really that is fantastic. That is fantastic. Um, but after all the probing and prodding is she's still even a virgin? Well, I don't you're sorry They get the spatula whatever the fuck it's called

Don't know how they checked if she was ever I do think that he literally just stuck a finger up her pussy. They might have but then She's not Yeah, you get you're not a virgin when you get fingered for the first time you're you lose your virginity when you have sex For the first time you're not vigorous. It is. Yeah, I didn't go to Notre Dame, buddy Sexual it I actually that's I just don't it's like a weird thing for them, but people are weird. No, it's because again It's about Is is what she's saying real right because a part of it was a virgin would say friends

Yeah, but the king still asked for a sign from god But Joan in a shrewd tactic so that she would only produce that sign at or lean and nowhere else Because that was what the voice commanding her said you got to do it in or lean And so the king figured and for a penny and for a pound if you'll excuse the English expression And he gave Joan of Arc control of an army and sent her to or lean Marcus when you write sentences like that Did you think that anyone wasn't going to or like? Because I it's like you always know I can see you can see the smile on his face like

In for a penny Excuse me The reason why I would ask for and it perhaps pardon is because I'm speaking of the French here And at this time the French were enemies of the English it is a Dan Carlin joke So I would imagine that perhaps the French might take unbridge to me using an English expression To describe Not me 100% Texan homegrown

Yeah made by the old made the old fashioned way by bullying All right Well, so Joan of Arc was given control of an army and was sent to or lean and toe Of course was gilderay who was placed in charge of another company supporting Joan Now when it came to the theatrical Joan had a special suit of white armor made for her right to or lean Yeah, man like Eddie Murphy. Yeah, that's awesome Yeah, she was I think quickly figuring out that the more she played up her image The more likely it would be that people would follow her also now we're turning the tide, right?

We were trying to get like trying to inspire people we're trying to say gods on our side now We got gods number one agent here helping us super cool She also had banners made featuring Christ flanked by two angels Which was a design that she said was again given to her by her angels Man, they had a fucking graphic designer. Yeah, our guy as old She also carried a sword with five crosses engraved on the blade Which she'd found rusting in the back of a church after the voices told her where to find this is also like it really is true Like and there there was there's a lot of accounts of people saying like the thing about her is that she was spooky

Is it she would say shit like that? And she'd go that she'd like go off and be like there's a sword in the bar that belongs to me and they're like Okay, Joan. Yeah, and then she'd like go and find he's like I told you God directed me to it and you're like, uh, well, I'm just oh, I hope we're having lamb consime Right, I mean, I'm sure some of it was of course propaganda, but the thing is that even the English would say like It was supernatural to see her on a battlefield people people stuck whatever it was They stuck the kayfabe and they all knew they all had to like Present her as such. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's the thing is that the people loved her for it

And of course because the people loved her for it then the king loved her for it and military commanders even started falling At first they grumbled of course because this fucking 16 year old who just shows up their partner in charge of armies But then once she started winning battles, they were like, oh Huh interesting. Yeah. Yeah, and she was fighting order for it's the dan carlin x factory talks about all the time Yeah, and she was good for morale and some of of course tried reducing Joan of Arc to a simple mascot Even though her skills in battle are well documented But I believe that her true contribution to the French military was that she instituted radical changes and how medieval armies behaved Even if some of those rules were a result of her forcing rigid Christian morality on others

For example, Joan told all of the sex workers traveling with the army that they had to get married to someone Within a day of her decree or leave. Well, you know Yeah, she was getting married to someone, you know, she was shutting that pussy down Yeah, she also forbade all swearing and blasphemy and required all the soldiers to go to confession. Yeah, she made it all nice Yeah, it might be good for uh, it was the focus, you know But the most important change she made was when she forbade her soldiers from pillaging, raping and murdering the peasant populace Well, that's kind of that's nice. I mean, it used to it was definitely a hard just it was a hard way to try to get them all to change They were really used to it

It was a tall order because not only were they used to it as Henry said But they derived a lot of their pay from pillaging the peasant population But Joan came up with a radical solution for this problem. She proposed that Charles the 7th Pay them Gig economy gig economy pay them a living wage pay the soldiers Pay the soldiers a living wage and then they wouldn't be tempted to act like animals Now Charles the 7th had to make massive sacrifices in order to do this. He had to sell off so many jewels So many jewels so many

Those jewels were sitting there. Yeah, they were sitting there and he had to sell them And so all of a sudden Charles the 7th doesn't have all these jewels to look at Because he used to have those jewels and now think about it. Now. They're Some place else now they're getting paid to a soldier So he won't murder that your peasant population and what's the use of that? You can't see that No, you can't show that to your friends and say look at that thing Also, if they really wanted to pillage the peasant class, it's called taxation. Oh, they already were doing it Now gilderay also contributed to the soldier's pay

Perhaps hoping to gain the approval and acceptance of the person to whom he'd been growing closer to since the riot to orlean began This however might have just been gild the sociopath going with the flow to ingratiate himself with someone of obvious power and prestige But his words spread that the french army was actually paying its soldiers Morale spread amongst the countryside because they were no longer terrified of being raped and murdered by the military Yeah, I bet she eases up dinner time sometimes Yeah, suddenly the people even had a kind of positive attitude towards france Kind of positive attitude towards france. That's as good as it's gonna get I mean we're as long as they're slightly in the plus category

Yeah Additionally people who had a problem with the whole raping and pillaging aspect of soldiering. They were now joining the army Yeah, now they're getting the pussies That meant that their rank and file were no longer made up exclusively of monsters because that was the thing is that gilderay Like we'll get it was we'll cover when he showed up. He's a very dangerous human being People his people were very very dangerous. They were very fucked up. Yeah, if they're following him It seems like they might be yeah And so with a stronger army higher morale and gilderay at her side

Joan of Arc set off for orlean to free the city from the hated English Joan of course famously didn't last long after that and once Joan was out of the picture The true horrors of gilderay began which is what we'll get to in full on the next episode The last podcast on the left. Hope you like neck fucking. I don't like it I mean head or Marcus alluded to what he liked to do with the cadaver. Oh, yeah Next week is going to be a full-on like Elizabeth Bathory style Cavalcade of horrors that were inside his many many castles, but don't worry eventually we'll get to theater I

Black magic. Yeah, it's cavalcade of horrors. That could be a good name for our next tour Again, we're bringing sexy flax That's it in the workshop right now. We're we're chopping. We're chopping the lab. Yeah, it's in the lab bringing sexy flax It's in what's the the if I go in that fucking lab, and there's a second me growing to replace me I'm gonna be very very pissed. Yeah, this one we got to make sure doesn't have that high blood pressure I that was our mistake. Yeah, we baked him in sugar water Thank you all so much for listening April 8th. You can see Henry and I we're gonna have a good time La slash disaster make up a jaco side stories left as Henry as Marcus said check out our stream

It's every Tuesday now and so go to our patreon. I think you guys like it And we're gonna be at wonder con next weekend. That would be march 24th and 25th. I think so sounds right to me Yeah, and yeah, we're gonna be signing books on friday for z2 comics And we're gonna be doing a panel and signing on saturday So come on out if you're in the anaheim area from the los angeles cany area Come on out. If you're in san diego, come on Come on out man. We're gonna have a good time if you're in bakersfield drive on down if you're in needles drive on over dirt you want to drive on north

Absolutely, and if you're in needles, I don't you can just yeah, I don't know what happens Yeah, I don't know. Needles is the scariest sound in town I've ever heard. Honestly, it was crazy as the the spoon Museum there is fantastic. Absolutely needle in the spoon the damage done. Thank you all so much for listening out What was the opposite of needle? I'm tired. You know, but you did the he did say ben did said needle in the spoon That's what that's heroin we're talking about. That's what you're saying needle in the snow young. So yeah Yeah, cool. It's gonna work. I guess I am. Yep. What can you do science made me? God hates me for it. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Oh game I just like thank you to the goop that made me

um, and I want to say thank you to the um the weapon x program Um for that has made me because it's again, we wouldn't be here without me We wouldn't be In canada That's what they made wolverine eating This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com