Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 525: Gilles de Rais Part I - Bluebeard

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

It's time for a dark history lesson this week on Last Podcast on the Left as the boys begin the tale of one of the most twisted figures in French Medieval history, companion-in-arms of to Joan of Arc and notorious serial killer of children, Gilles de Rais. For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free, plus get Friday episodes a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. All right, boys. You know, re-record. I'm doing this. Oh, man.

Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Big stuff. Yes. So today's episode is a classic example of having to go through Marcus's mind.

Great. In order to get to what the rest of us like. I got my raincoat on. Yes, please do. I got my nice shoes. You wearing your nice shoes? The nice shoes for Marcus's mind. I don't wear my jeans in Marcus's mind.

No, no. They're two cut up avocados. Oh, oh, wow. You're talking about just feet coverings at your calling shoes. For Marcus's brain. Yes. Thank you. I would recommend sturdy shoes.

I would as well. It's quite rocky. It's craggy. It's craggy in there. Craigie. I think it would be wet, to be honest. Wet and craggy. It's like the coast of Iceland. Either way, I hope your fucking mine cloaca is ready for a bunch of a hundred-year-war data. Because we got to get through it to get to the good stuff.

It's not getting through it. It's getting to talk about it. How much are we going to talk about shovel? Are we talking about shovels? No shovels, except for shovels that are used inside of little girls. Oh, my goodness. It's a long story. All right. Welcome to the last part. podcast on the left, everyone. Ben, hanging out with Henry and Marcus. Today's episode, I think this is fantastic because we're getting back to our French roots. Oh, yeah. We've always been, we've always said we began French. I love the French. Currently going through a bit of

upheaval. They're always going through a bit of an upheaval. That is France's national identity. Let's get into some upheaval of the past. Gilles de Rey. That's who we're talking about today. You did a good job. Thank you. The French version of George. But Marcus also did good in the entire outline where he wrote out phonetically the French. I see that. Single French name, every single French location. It has all been written phonetically so as to not gain the ire of the people who care how I speak French. Absolutely. And of course he did spell out the words Gerard de Pardue, G-R-O-P-E-R-P-E-R. For G-O-O-P-E-R-O-P-E-R. That's real. good. That is really good.

He's a bit of a cropper. And a bit of a tinkler. But for all of you guys, I don't want to know what that means. He pissed in an airplane. He pissed himself on an airplane after drinking too much for Edwan. At least he wasn't sober. But those are for all of you clamor and for blood.

It's common. It's common. All right. Gilles de Reyes was a 15th century French medieval nobleman who reputedly tortured, raped, and murdered hundreds of children in some of the most brutal ways imaginable in the castles on his many estates. And that's the only way to do it. As far as I'm concerned, is it's the only

way it's kind of appropriate is if you have many, many, many castles and many, estates. I thought you were talking about the way in which he murdered. It's like, you really don't want to do it tenderly. You want to make sure you do it brutally. Brutely. No, he was talking about the real estate angle of all this, and that's what we really want to get into. These

prices. Well, Gilles is a story reminiscent of a game of Thrones books, one of decadence, palace intrigue, backstabbing, wide-scale slaughter, plagues, heroes, martyrs, murders, and black magic. I thought you were going to say, and boobs. Oh, well. There are actually boobs here.

Boops come up. No, yeah, adult boobs. Okay, teenage boobs. Well, with inflation, they're adult boobs. French roots. That's what this entire episode is about is our French roots. Now, Gilles de Rey has been said by some to be. the basis of the blue beard fairy tale, which first appeared in written form in Charles Perrault's

1697 story collection called Tales of Mother Goose. It was a heavy story for Mother Goose. Absolutely a heavy story for Mother Goose. And you try to tell your wife that you weren't eaten out of smur if you come home with a blue beard. That's funny. Again, funny stuff. Or you're addicted to silver nitrate. Yeah, colonial silver.

This, of course, is where we also get the modern versions of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Little Red Riding Hood. Mother Goose sanitized these versions for children so as to avoid scenes such as the one in the original tale where Little Red Riding Hood does a strip tease for the wolf as a last resort. I mean, that's my play. Yeah. If I'm trapped in a room with a wild wolf, like a snarling dog, it's always important to get good and naked so that that wolf looks at you, I think, and understands for a second,

er, that's an animal too? Yes, indeed. And if you get hard at it, they backed out. absolutely correct Henry and don't forget the new Pixar movie Little Red Riding Hood about the talking clitoris that could Wow

I'm on fire today I am so hungover for my own stupidity In that version of the story It doesn't work The strip dees doesn't work And the wolf eats everything Except for her arms

Cool really Yeah Well all these stories come with a moral And the moral of that one is trying To discourage women from sex work I do If you try to strip your way in front of the wolf, the wolf will eventually eat you. Well, I think that actually is an important lesson to learn just because the wolf will eat you.

But at the same time, be naked when you're dead. I think it's important. Die naked. Go for it. I agree. Now, the Mother Goose version of Bluebeard is actually no less violent than the original version of Little Red Riding Hood. In that version, a nobleman with a hideous blue beard attempts to murder his newlywed wife for disobeying his orders to not look in one particular. closet while he's away on business.

Very John Wayne Gacy of him. It is. She of course looks and finds that the closet is full of the corpses of Bluebeard's previous wives, who had all been killed for looking into the closet full of corpses of previous wives who had also looked into the closet. It just all hits as a constant vicious cycle.

What's the moral here? Don't look in rooms. Okay. But just as Bluebeard is about to decapitate his latest wife, her brothers appear and save her, and she thereafter remarries to kinder man and lives happily ever after. Not one of the brothers. No.

Fantastic. But the interesting thing No. These stories, honestly, they can take weird terms. Oh, very much, though. And then, yeah, she gets double-team by all of her brothers. I guess quadrupled team by her entire family and then all of a sudden like, what book is this? Mother moves? Absolutely. And he's like, you're going to go to grandma's

house today. Hi, I'm grandma. I'm also your mom. I don't understand. That one I don't understand. Because she would be the grandmother and the mother if she was tag team by her own brothers. Yeah. Right?

You know what? Yeah, that does make the insides mat work out. Yeah. Yeah. No, I follow you. As soon as you're coming in a family member, just call her on. But the interesting thing about Bluebeard in relation to our man Gilles Duree is that

Gilles never murdered a wife, nor did he have a blue beard. While Gilles is often referred to as Bluebeard in modern times, to the point where both of our main sources for this series have Bluebeard in the title. The stories have nothing to do. do with each other. There's no historical basis for Gilles-Dorre being related to Bluebeard. More likely, Bluebeard was based on a Dark Ages ruler named

Connemar the Curson. Yeah, that's fucking sweet. That is cool. And this is where history's cool. Yeah. Because you guys find these guys, he's a literal guy who took the nickname the Curson. Do you mean? Like, you have to be, like, truly very difficult man. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. Conamor the Cursed roamed the force of Brittany as a werewolf after death and later served as a spectral fairy man for the Breton River where he absconded with Christian souls. Whoa, that's cool. In a game of telephone of history, what do you think people would say about us and what we are like and what do we do in an allegorical sense? Henry the pork dweller.

Oh, pork dweller. Yes. Well, one possible explanation for Gilles de Reyes connection to Bluebeard is that both he and Connemore the Cursed were from Breton. And over the years, the name Bluebeard may have just become a byword for any cruel French nobleman who delighted in the murder of innocence. Also, I think the one similarity is, as we'll go through all of the many accounts of what the actual, quote-unquote, crimes of Gilles-Durray, which we will cover all angles of it.

But I think the concept that he had bodies hidden in his home, I think that is probably, that is the one direct connection. It has a lot of bodies hidden in his home. And there were a lot of bodies around where he, he was. Right. Wherever Gilles de Rui was,

you would find a lot of bodies of dead children stuffed into pipes, burnt in, you know, gigantic piles, funeral pyres. Hey,

this sounds like a coincidence to me. It does seem like he has a, more than a, he has an unusual amount of child corpses or surrounding him. It's kind of like, you don't really want to be

Bill Clinton's best friend. No, you don't. They die. Now, we actually have no idea when Gilles Derey began murdering the peasant children

that he either kidnapped or bought from their parents. But during his trial, he was accused of spending the previous 14 years of doing so. He did, however, correct the court, saying that he'd actually only been murdering for eight years. See, that's how you know he's a murderer. When he has to do the thing where he's like, um, actually, about his own series of a generation of child rape. He's a nerd.

Yes. Wow. He took, he's like, yeah, if you take a look at my Reddit profile, I think you'll know I started murdering eight years ago. Look at how many times I've gotten gold for murdering children. Why can I be like you? But to that point, we also have no idea how many murders Gilles-Durray actually committed. At the low end, estimates put his body count at around 140. Dang, that's the low end?

That's the low end. The more sensational accusations have Gilles murdering almost a thousand children. I mean, at that point, though, how are you doing it? anything else. Yes, seriously. Thousands of children now. We're like, okay, all right, buddy. That's literally overkill.

Did he hold down a job this whole time? He was a bit of a gadabout. During some of this time, he did have a job as a soldier, which we'll get into. But he was a nobleman. Their entire lives were based around decadence and showing how decadent they really could be. He was also a theatrical producer for a little while. And a wizard. Yeah, he had a lot of different hobbies.

Wow, a wizard. Yeah, it's vanity hobbies. So, yeah, that you could describe a serial killing as as a vanity hobby. Ooh, I wonder how many people Russell Brandt has killed. Okay, just wait a year until that becomes a marketable thing that he can say on a spot. Well, what we know from testimony during Gilles' trial, however, is that the sheer number of victims and the freedom he exercised in their killing, it allowed for an escalation of cruelty and gruesome

experimentation not seen outside of Dennis Raiders' wildest fantasies. Because, again, Dennis Raider didn't have the institutional family money who would take to make these giant fantasies come true. And that's really what it comes down to. It's about investing your money correctly. That's why we here at Robin Hood Investments really think that if you want to build up your opportunities for child murderer by thinking about tomorrow today. Integrated marketing. Integrated marketing complete.

Good job. They don't even cover us. They dropped us years ago. Oh, did that? Yeah, they did. But, I mean, with Dennis. Robin Hood's a scam anyway. Fuck those pieces of fucking shit.

Also, Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor. But, like, Robin Hood, that means they're going to take all my money and then give it to someone else. Mean. On fire today. Fire. But, I mean, to the point of Dennis Raider, when Dennis Raider was a child and when he was an adult, he would draw these elaborate, like, peepy dungeons. And, like, you know, when he would draw these huge, like, you know, sidos where trains would come and, like,

run over women, but slowly. Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, they did the same thing. in giant descriptions of massive torture castles and like in underground bunkers filled with rape rooms. Gildere did that. Like he made all of that a reality. But of course, there's also debate as to how much of that is true. Did any of that really happen?

I mean, of course, all of this is well documented. His trial was well documented. Where they found the bodies was well documented. And that's the thing is that this story, this is not some dark ages tale. This is not rumor or legend. our story occurred during the 100 years war. It heavily involves none other than Joan of Art.

Yeah, she shows up. And I got to say, terrible haircut, great attitude. Absolutely legendary. But if all the tales of DeRae's savagery were invented solely for the trial, then it would not be a stretch to say that 15th century France was home to some of the most imaginative gore hounds this side of Herschel Gordon Lewis. It's almost like there was a hundred-year war that they lived through. It was like they saw a lot of blood.

Yeah. They saw a lot of violence personally. Just the people of France saw a lot of shit. That would continue for a very long time. It feels like, again, this came from, it was like plague, 100 years, where all of this stuff is all happening all at the same time. So it was a very violent time period. And Shielder Ray, that's why we don't know whether or not people are spinning fantasies out to do a political hit, which we'll kind of discover.

We'll talk about the basis of eventually. But the or is it just because guys like, Gilles-Dor-Rae came about and kind of utilized a world of mass violence and kind of lived amongst it in a way that was how they were ready for and loved and embraced. Seems like Mr. Gilles-Dor-Rae needs to have a one-on-one interview with Oprah and really clear the air. Yeah, that would be incredible. Yeah, Shield-Durray with its 15-year-old Joan of Arc just seeing visions next to Oprah.

They're 15 feet apart, COVID. And it's so nice that they're in the middle of her giant bunker. and they got drones in and out. But again, they don't really want attention. But they have a lot of cameras there at the same time. But before we get into the whole story, let's acknowledge our sources. For this three, maybe four-part historical extravaganza. Yeah, they recovered a lot of ground in the show.

We have Gilles-Durray, a biography of Bluebeard by Jean Benedetti. Benedetti and Bluebeard by Leonard Wolfe. And don't worry, all ye well actually is out there. We will get to the Gillesdare. his innocent rebuttal at the end of the series. Yes, we will. Now, as opposed to the dark ages of Connemore the Curson... Yes.

Oh, no. I won the lottery, but I lost the ticket. Damn this nickname. Gilles d'Ele-Duray was a Middle Ages nobleman who lived through and fought in the third phase of the Hundred Years' War against England and the hated Burgundians of France. I hate you, Burgundians.

Oh, absolutely. the way that they are just constantly throwing rotten fruit at you. I hate a Burgundian. You know what's bad about stinky old fruit? Ain't wine yet? Bring it to me a win his wine, please. But of course here at Burgundians, kids under eight eat free. So don't worry about it.

Also, if you have the gout, half off. Half off. Here at Burgundians. Well, by the time Gilles-Dre was born, the Hundred Years War had already been ebbing and flowing for 67 years. Oh, so it's only 67%. It's 67% done, and he only got 33% left. A little less than 67% actually because it actually lasted for 116 years.

What's a living fuck? Why is we not doing a whole episode about that? A hundred and 16 year war doesn't really sound good. Yeah. That's dumb. That's dumb. 100 years, that's perfect. Well, it was three phases.

It kind of been kept alive through squabbles between France and England and sometimes between France and France. But France was in France. France was half England. Yeah. Well, we'll get into that. I don't understand. I'm excited. This is one of these wars that like it's a pet.

That's why I was like with Marcus says we were doing the production call. I was like, this week it's all about you explaining to me and Kistel what has happened. Well, I think I have done a passable job. All right. Let's get into it. But as it goes during warfare, both medieval and modern, and as it went with the victims of Gilles de Rey, those who bore the brunt of the violence and horror in the hundred years war with the people caught in between.

Yeah, man, so is the turkey and the sandwich. It gets the teeth. Absolutely. That's a fantastic saying. I like it. It really is. It's really good. That's fine. I hope you did. Because if you stole that from someone. I stole it from very stupid, man. Well, the armies at both sides of the Hundred Years' War regularly

turned the French countryside into a blood-soaked, plague-ridden horror show of desolation and death, filled with rotting cattle and deserted villages populated only by the skeletons of the people who once lived there. The only skeletons live here, man.

It's like Williamsburg in New York. It does sound like that. All right, really fun. Did they ever think about picking up the skeletons and maybe moving them? Why? Because you want to build a house or something. No, because all that's going to happen is

is next day. Yeah, the French just pushed through. Next day, British, you're going to push through. You're just going to have to fucking pick up skeletons. It's why I don't make the bed. I see. This is like when you know you're going to start a bender on Friday so you're like, that fucking, I won't clean my house

until Sunday. Because what's the point? I'm just going to tear this in a fucking self-hatred-filled rage just again and again and again. Why clean? Got you. And if I'm going to go on a bender on Friday, why do I really need to put an effort on Thursday? And then if Thursday really isn't going to be a big deal, then Wednesday, might as well be out the window either. Yeah, what the fuck am I doing Wednesday? Well, Wednesday, if I don't give a shit

Tuesday. Lucky, you don't even get me out of Benford. Let's say $10,000. Yeah. You're making a really valid. points here. But the armies were only the half of it. Peasants also had to contend with the mercenaries, the land pirates, the free knights,

all of whom plundered villages for food, supplies, and kidnappings. Land pirates just sound like they're in ship formation, but they're too poor to have a ship. Keep going. Get those oars going, boys. They're just like stuck in grass. Captain, should we find water, please?

Are you to the plank? It just jumped six feet to the ground. Well, kidnappings and pillaging, that was how most of these men, including the official French soldiers, that's how they derived their pay. In fact, it was considered respectable for a professional soldier to hold people for ransom to fill their pockets. This isn't a reminder to the audience. So when you are, you know, we're in this period of time where we're a little bit more self-conscious than we would have been in the past about, like, and have this knowledge. So we're always like, end of the world is happening right now. when it's actually the world used to be like way more dangerous.

And this concept of like weaponizing, looting, because I use that SIV. It's extremely important when you're doing a domination run, right? Because you got to get those guys in there. You get Calvary in there going really fast. They rip up all the natural resources so you cripple them supply-wise. Then you gape them from the back. You come from back.

They don't even fucking expect all of a siege towers. We're on the fucking unoccupied lands around them. And they had no fucking clue that you were coming. until it was too late. If you went back in time and just told Jill DeRay that story but didn't say that you learned all that through a video game,

you could have become a general. I would have been a general. And that's how I viewed this. I'm like, yes. Every single time I read about medieval like war strategy. I'm like, yes, very good. I did use that in the campaign of 2019.

When I went to the torture museum when we were in Italy, you know the one that you stand up and they shut the door and it's got a bunch of spikes in it? I was too tall. For the Iron Maiden. Yeah.

They would have done that to me. They would have beat you to death. I think they would have stabbed you with a bunch of swords. I went to one Italian torture museum that was fucking awful. I was just in this room and then this slat open up and it was just this guy eating delicious spaghetti on the other side. And you couldn't get to it. I kept slamming my face and getting like rubbing up against him. You went to an Italian jerk off theater.

An Italian jerk off booth where you just watch. It's a bit of board. Someone eaten. Yeah. And the reason why life was so chaotic, this could all be traced back to what else but the black plague. It had killed a third of the population of France between 1347 and 1352. And when you combine that with the body count in the 100 years war, it's estimated that France lost half of its population in the 14th century. That is to say, the central government of France hadn't even come close to recovering by the time Gilles-Duray was born.

By the time of Gilles-Duray, France was more of a country. collection of individual leaders who levied their own taxes, coined their own currency, and enforced their own laws. Isn't that also kind of what happened in Italy? I have no idea. We'll get on to that. I'm not going to say yes, nor no.

I don't know either. I don't know what time period you're talking about. Italy is shaped like a boot. That's where I'm at right now. Italy is shaped like a boot. And France is shaped like a butt that's sitting down. Oh. Oh. The way I could kind of describe it is that imagine if all 50 states were their own small, like if states' rights were taken to their extreme and America was just a loose confederacy. And every time we went to war, the president would have to go to every single state and like beg them to join in on the war and often pay them to do so. Yeah. Oh, you can get someone to go to war so easy nowadays. It's almost too easy.

I mean, the guys that are volunteering real hard, like too easily, you don't want them. That's the problem. Because a lot of them are just human body shields. because they're just like 250 pounds of fucking Applebee's batter with a bunch of AR-15s and they bought from the fucking from the Tor web and now they're just got to spot and mop. I heard they're very easy to use. They are easy to use and the new ads for the army are hilarious because they recognize how fat and lazy we all are. And they're literally just like, you like to play video games, right?

I don't want to fucking kill somebody. Yeah. You're in. Well, in France, there was a king. Yes, kind of. But France was by no means unified. and marauding bands of brigands pillaged, raped, and stole their way

across the country without fear of reprimand because the nobles cared very little for the peasants, even though that was supposed to be their whole fucking point. Also, to protect the people. Yeah, but also seems like the nobles sort of kind of understood like, if we get in a way in the armies, they'll kill us too.

Right. And so they probably just go, like, they're just in their castles, just going like, looks bad out there. Right. It's like, watch it shit up. I'm like, ooh, oh, don't do that. Well, likewise, the military commanders of France at this time, who answered more to the nobles who paid them than to the king at court, they were no better than bandits.

And in fact, Gilles-Duray is one of those noblemen. He was no more, no less brutal than his contemporaries on the battlefield. He truly was a man of his times. For French nobles, the point of war was not serviced to God or country, but rather the collection of more wealth, more land, and more everything. And more bones. More bones. And it's because it's destabilized, right?

So they all are kind of acting as if they are their own mini kingdom. So everybody is taking whatever resources that aren't nailed down to kind of protect themselves from each other. I mean, that's a very generous way of looking at it. I'm just saying as a man who is, again, led many campaigns in medieval Europe. I understand why one would do as such. And as a man who sees very much the parallels between this and say modern times, is that it seems like a bunch of assholes and gigantic castles, hoarding wealth like a bunch of fucking dragons,

for no reason other than that they have a mental illness that fucking makes them collect wealth above all and fuck the people. That is more of an ungenerous view of the same circumstances. Italy. Isn't it shaped like a bud? Isn't it, though? I won't tell you you're wrong. I won't tell you wrong.

I mean, this was all in service of a pointless decadence that would lead straight to the guillotine a couple of centuries later in the French Revolution for these fucking useless nobleman. But back in the 15th century, this meaningless indulgence at the top seemed to encourage the base instincts

of the soldiers on the ground. Here, in my best Dan Carlin history voice... Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's gonna be good. ...is a description of the horrors that a peasant in the 15th century had to look forward to when soldiers were spotted on the horizon. Now, we will need some light sort of like

history channel filler when we, in post, well, it's up there really filled. this out. Absolutely not. When Dan Carlin speaks, Dan Carlin speaks into silence because the words must be appreciated.

I thought Dan Carlin didn't like talk for like five years and then talked a lot. It seems like it's more the opposite that he's talking a little bit over those five years one day at a time. Yeah. We'll say like one sentence said to a microphone and go, ah, sheesh.

Work done for the day. And then just go back. He's living a charmed life. I love him. He's living a wonderful life. Absolutely. There you go. They took women and children without difference of age or sex,

raping the women and girls. They killed the husbands and father in the presence of their wives and daughters. They took nurses and left the children behind so that they died for want of food. So good, Marcus. Thank you. They took pregnant women and chained them so that they gave birth and chains. The children were allowed to die without baptism, and the mother and child were thrown into the river.

They took priests and monks, chain them up in various. ways and beat them so that they were maimed for life and driven out of their mind. It's the drop. You do the drop. Some were roasted alive. Others had their teeth ripped out. Others were beaten with huge sticks and none were freed until they have given far more money than they could afford. Now that doesn't sound like a very good time now, does it? That's great. Wow. No, it doesn't do. That is the most obscure on the money. deep cut podcast reference that's around.

That's great. Thank you very much. He's my hero. He's so great. It's so great. This is my impression of Dan Carlin doing an impression of Marcus Parks. Oh yeah, no.

He is at home right now. I don't like, no. I don't think I sound like that. I'm baking, bud. I don't think I sound like that. Dan, the lasagna is ready. And I told you if you talk in your radio voice at dinner one more time

or getting a divorce. Honey, I told you, I wish it was different. But when it came to contemporary medieval accounts of what was actually happening in France, let's hear a section of a medieval text read by Henry Zabrowski. The countryside is desecrated and shepherds are slaughtered. There in the dung, without a bed with a dead sleeping, one on top of the other, in piles. Many noble shepherdesses were left alone without their lovers.

So many heads cut off, so many feet, fists, So many arms without hands. It's kind of a lot. It's a lot. Sounds like a lot. I think there was never so much as a shedding of human blood nor slaughter more cruel. Not since Tuesday. Not since Tuesday.

So did you feminize the word shepherd to shepherded? They say shepherdesses. Is that right? I never heard of that before. It's a direct translation from the French, which is probably something more like, they don't know it'll be able. Interesting. No, it's shepherds and shepherdesses. I didn't know there was a female version of the shepherd.

I thought they were all shepherds. Back in the day. gender wasn't as complex as it is now. Oh, is that right? And so, yeah, back in the day, some shepherds, they had ding-dongs. But other shepherdesses, they had woo-hoo. Little red riding hoods. Now, this savagery was of no concern to the nobility of France.

During the 15th century, every castle, as Henry said, was its own little kingdom. Every castle had its own little private army. It's cool. And there in the castle, the nobility ate lavishly while the peasant starve. It's got to be on the right side of that, Lance. What kind of animals would you put in your moat? I want alligators, definitely. I mean alligators, yeah, that'd be good.

Hippos, if I could get them. Hippos should be great. Beavours, they build their own walls. They're working for you. But now I'm the one I need control of the walls. No, no, no, the beavers, they don't build, they build the walls across the river. They wouldn't bet they would actually ruin the moat. Yeah, they would ruin the moat.

Yeah, they just treat a ditch. I'll train cats to swim. I actually kind of just want to put dudes in the moat. That would be great. You remember the lady I showed on the stream who lived in the lake? Yeah, that lady, what if it's those guys, but it's dudes, but they got guns. Awesome, perfect. Dudes with guns.

And if you want to see that, of course, Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left, we do the stream every Tuesday live at 8 p.m. PSD. Integrated marketing. Integrated marketing. Nice. Well, the measure of a successful noble was not in the morale of his people or even necessarily in how adept he was in battle. Rather, when it came to the respect of his fellow nobles,

it was all in how decadent and luxurious the life of that Noble could appear to be. It's kind of like Instagram. Why? It's like Instagram. Why is it like Instagram? Because you're seeing everybody else's highlight real. We're not really seeing who they are as a person. That is true.

But Noble's like it is, I feel like it's the concept of constantly trying to separate themselves from the Hoy-Polloy. And like we're chosen to be this role. So we kind of live this. extravagant life because it's what it's what we were chosen to do for you to look up to us aspirational. Yeah. And it's also about competing with the other nobles. Like again, if you want to compare it to today, it's like you got a big boat. Fuck you. I got a big boat inside my big boat. Wow. And my big boat inside my big boat also has caviar. The turduckin of boats. Also, hoi-polloy, a fantastic

strip club where all the girls look like bobbers. What's bobbers? What's a bobbess? Fishing bobbers. Wow. Weird. That's surreal. It's very. It's very. It's very. That is literally like that. They're toy polo. They're going to be round. I just don't understand. With the girls that look like they're round. Oh, so you're saying it's a round.

That doesn't even make sense because lures are like skinny. No, Bobbers. I mean, he could have just as easily said beach balls. He could have said basketballs. Any other kind of ball. That was interesting. That was like, that was a, I want to bring you to my youngian therapist and have you say the same sentence. It's just you're wet.

That's why I said Bobber. Well, as. The author, Jean Benedetti, put it so succinctly, French society was like a man who, finding the world hostile, retired to his gilded chamber to masturbate. Oh, you're talking about me in 2020. Yeah. Nice. Well, of course, some nobles took this decadence to violent extremes that none of the others

dare dream of. And that brings us to Gilles-Dor-Ray. Oh, setting the tone, setting the scene. Now we're meeting the man. And I don't know what he sounds like you. Gilles D'eray was born in the year 1404, appropriately in the black tower of his family castle at Champalte. Nice. Wow.

Very good. Thank you. Doreay was born to two nobles named Gilles Valle and Marie de Creon as a result of a complicated legal dispute over property between noble families that is far too complicated to go into here. Some would say boring. Yeah. All right. All you need to know is that by the end of it, Gilles Doreau. was the sole heir to his first of three massive fortunes.

And he's exactly as you imagine, the sole heir of many medieval fortunes would be as. Gilles was therefore raised by servants in what was referred to as, quote, the cocoon of luxury, a little prince who had little to no experience with what the world was like outside of his pampered existence. I don't understand. Why is my milk warm? It's more Melania Trump. I don't understand. Why has no one praising me yet today? I think it's good.

I mean, we'll work on it. It's a four-part series. I'm bouncing. No, I know. I know. This is baby jeal. Baby, of course.

Baby, that's good. Okay, we're getting there. I'm just a little baby. Now we're talking. Now we're getting there. Yeah, you want my teeth?

Yeah, you want my teeth? I've been a man this whole time, buddy. I know. Well, it was said that, Gilles was to sleep in an airy but not windy room looking out to the east so that he might be gently awoken by the sun each morning. I love Mr. Son. I'm you the one with you today. No, that is Spanish.

I love Mr. Searle. That's not. It's closer. Is it? I know Mr. Son. As long as it's not Jamaican, I'm happy. Hey. Oh, God.

Now you should wait. Well, it was ordered that he be bathed often, but not too often, lest his skin be softened. Hey, man. Oh, my. You need the skin just leathery enough to be a man about a horse, but you also need to be soft enough to be touched by a fine maiden, which is the line I write. Absolutely.

Feel these hands. We all have very soft hands. They're very sweaty. Actually, my hands are quite rough. Well, they've softened since you've been off the field. Well, he ate consummets of veal, beef, and partridge, but did not eat fish because it was said to make children too calm. Too calm.

Oh, yeah. So they wanted them all wild? Yeah, well, I mean, listen to the drinks they gave him. He consumed the standard noble child's beverage, which was five parts boiled sugar water and one part French wine. Man, that's cool. Whoa, so they were getting hammered. Yeah.

And then what day? I didn't get you drunk like it used to, I don't think. I think it must have. Well, I think back in the day, I don't think wine and beer and all that was quite as strong as it. It's not like an IPA or anything. No. No, he's not a total douchebag.

He's not drinking IPAs. But save it for old. than McNeely. But why wouldn't the wine be any... I feel like it's still the same thing. I might be talking to my ass. I think it's because they just drank it more regularly. That's what I would say because they drank it because it was better than a lot of the water the most of the time. Yeah, they drank beer more than they drank water. Or at least that's what the commercials told me. Wala! I love that one. Yeah, that was nice when friends used to call friends on rotary phones.

Oh, I remember. Well, concerning Gilles' behavior, he was also unpredictable, physically aggressive and destructive. Yeah, because he's fucking sugar high and drunk on wine. He is, what's his name, Lord Farquod, from Trek. It soon became apparent to everyone that they were raising a psychopathic monster with no boundaries. And if anyone tried punishing him, they themselves would be punished even more harshly. Are we back on our, are we on our David Miscavitch series still?

No, no, no, we're setting up for our future Baron Trump series. However, it was also clear that Gillesdorreux, was brilliant. And by the time he was an adult, he was considered one of the most well-educated men of his era. He was tutored in sciences, art, music, literature, and theater, of course, which we'll get to later. Okay.

When Gio was still a child, though, both of his parents died within the same year. His father, in a very Robert Baratian-esque death, was gored by a wild boar while hunting, died slowly in bed. I'm pretty certain he must have just taken that, because there are certain things. He said characters were inspired by history. like as you research.

George or Martin, you mean. Yes. And that sounds like that is his death. Yeah, that's absolutely Robert Baratheon's death. Yeah. Gored by a bore. That's kind of a fun way to go. I mean, that's the thing is that you eventually just have to sit in bed and then you

shit yourself to death. Yeah, you just shake until you die. It doesn't eat you, huh? No, no, no, no. It just gores you and then it runs away. Yeah, it goes like, oh, and then it leaves you just sit there. And then you are literally bored to death. Wow.

Then you just bleed out and shit, huh? And his mother's cause of death? Unknown. Yeah, because it's not important. Women die so often. It's cold. Maybe she just had the flu. Maybe. Well, it said that she left after the father died and remarried. There's one record that says that she remarried, but then she died very soon after. His mother is very mysterious.

Can't she just die back in the day from a paper cut? It gets infected. You're screwed. They don't have penicillin or anything. Oh, yeah, yeah. You get hit by a cart. You can get fucking chomped on by a horse. You can fucking get one of five different diseases we know to be the plague. You can die like that. You can die of just a bad milk. Yeah, a horse could kill you like seven different ways.

Awesome. Options are limitless. What we do know is that after both parents were in the ground, Gilles had only one living relative besides his insignificant younger brother, who really only interacted with Gilles when Gilles became a theatrical producer in his 30s. And his brother wanted to direct. That is a story as old as time. I mean, really, I mean, this story, as you'll come to see,

it's like, you'll see like, Gilles d'Re is like a combination of, like, Harvey Weinstein, Ted Bundy, and Jared from Subway. Oh my goodness. Top three. My top three. That's my dream blunt rotation. So I've got a date with this guy, Geel. He says he's Weinstein, Fogle, and

Bundy all in one. Does he have a brother? Yeah, but he's insignificant. He just wanted to play songs. He's Roger Clint. Oh, Roger Clinton. Or Billy Carter. I know, Billy Bear. Yeah. But when it came to possible legal

guardians after the death of Gilles' parents, the most obvious yet worst choice was his mother's father, Jean de Creon. Everyone knew this was a bad idea, because De Creon was described as little better than a bandit who had no regard for anyone but himself, nor did he follow the laws of God or man. My favorite crayon was the Sil Marillion. I was going to do my crayon joke, which was not to mention how much he scuffed up the floor. Yeah. So we are really. Yeah. Really good to the Yeah, and if you ate him, your poop would be alarming. It's a one, two, three, boom, poop, boom. Content, triple-headed tornado.

Comedy podcast. Well, when Gilles-Drey's father was on his deathbed, he said, whatever you do, do not let Jean de Crayon raise my son. These wishes were, of course, not met. And it's likely that De Crayon's influence led to Gilles de Crette's unfettered brutality. You never want your last words to be like, no, why are you laughing? and I was serious. I'm like, why are you laughing?

He was a bad guy. Yeah, he was. And then he learned, he trained shield from a very young age. He was kind of the first example of like he was the ultimate corrupt motherfucker to use the most dirty-handed tricks that were technically still like of like common use. Like people would use what he used. But mostly it was in bad taste. Well, they would use them sparingly and de crayon used them all the time. That was his only tool in his tool kit.

What's that one guy to train Batman? Played by Liam Neeson. That would be... Quigon Gen. Rageal Ghoul. Yeah, Quigon Ginn. Rejole. Yeah, it's kind of like that guy. Kind of like Jar Jar Binks.

Kind of like Jar Jar Jar Bucks. Just keep saying. Just remember Italy is like a boot. Just keep that out of rotation. This is good. Well, Jean de Creon raised Gilles to believe that their family was above morality, just so long as it was to their benefit. The closest analog in Game of Thrones would be the Bolton's,

a moral, calmly savage, and ruthlessly ambitious. This would, of course, make Gilles Ramsie Bolton, cruel, oddly charming in a serial killer sort of way, and reckless, but no less skilled in warfare. Okay. To that point, just as Jean de Creon was giving his grandson the worst possible moral compass one can give to a wealthy brat, Gilles de Reyes was being trained for not just command, but battle.

Jean de Creon must have really scuffed up the floors when he was walking around. Just scum, man. Creon. Mr. Crayon. Come to 64. Live from your grave. See, for all they're pampering, some nobles did participate in on-the-ground warfare, and Gilles was a prime example.

Starting at the age of 11, Gilles began training in 33 pounds of chain mail and a full set of plate armor. It's the sort of stuff that we think of when we think of a medieval night today. We know that they are really not as. They are more mobile in that. armor than you'd think they would be. You've watched modern like armored fighting. Yeah, yeah, it's really fun.

It's my favorite because that's how I want to work out. Yeah. What they, I said, I got too many hairs. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. The chain mail.

I don't know that. My fucking chain. Because you know how thick my shirt. Oh, yeah. But I don't even think you can wear a watch. No, I can. It hurts. See, I use chain mail to clean my cast iron skillet.

It's actually very good for it. It brings up a lot. Yeah, I'll actually send it to you. You're going to love it. You clean with the fucking most heavy metal sponge? It's a heavy metal chain mail sponge It's like you and Rob Halfert Yeah

I have the sponge mommy and the sponge daddy You have him fucking Yeah I got sponge baby Spong baby But that's the thing is that I really love the feel of chain mail And I know I want to buy some chain mail But I know if I bought it

I just wear it around the house all the time You're allowed to Yeah you can do that It's your house Yeah you're married Yeah I guess it might be good Good exercise Actually it would be

Just to have the general weight On your shoulders might be You know, it's so difficult. Because you're not carrying Caroline at the, at the concerts. And honestly, getting like, when Carol, obviously, she'll want to divorce you when you, when you do that. But it's hard as shit. Yeah, whatever. Exactly.

Being like, you will never get through these emotional armor that I'm wearing. And then she can't, she could try to serve your divorce papers while I have this metallic visor on. Can't do it. And then she can serve divorce papers when we're doing our panel at WonderCard. Well, Ben, you mentioned shitting. Yes. Difficult shitting would be. I did.

There was a whole protocol to that. Whoa. I mean, for peeing most of the time, they just pissed themselves. Sure. Because it wasn't really worth it and things are kind of dirty anyway. Yeah, you already reek. Yeah, you already reek. Yeah, it's going to be uncomfortable, but you're going to be fine.

Shitting, though, you can't have a big deuce back there. Unhealthy. It's going to fuck with your mobility. You can't fight alongside the holy matron of France while you're sitting in a fucking bottle of diarrhea. No. No. When they did need to take a dump, their squires would actually reach down and

lift up their chain mail and would have to sit there as they squatted and let one drop. It's like a lady on her wedding day. Just so you know, and that actually brings that, that reminds me, we're starting an intern program here at LPN, and it's really going to help. Mostly it's about spotting dokey pants. Yes, indeed. Whenever one of us has to go, because you can see when we scrunch up her face, the guitarist, that's how you know, they run, they pulled out our pants so we can free shit.

It's going to be nice. College credits. Some would actually still drop into the chain mail. But maybe you have to horse it out. You're going to push it out. Yeah, horse it out. Yeah, I really got a splash out. A good distance from your body.

Oof. Well, when it came... I'm happy to be alive now. I hate Twitter and stuff, but like, I'm fine. Yeah, Twitter, I just don't look at it. The phone, yeah. It's fine. But when it came to weaponry,

Gilles was trained with 10-foot lances ending in metal spearheads. He knew how to use swords, daggers, trunchons, axes. Cool. By the time he made his debut in public life in 1420, i.e. his first battle, Gilles was ready. Man, Neppel babies suck now, dude. They don't have any skills.

That's fucking cool. I would respect a lot more like kids, like trust fund kids, if they came out of it with full warfare, like medieval level training. Nepo babies have the ability to make us think

that they are victims of being rich. I know. Which is my favorite twist that I've seen so far. Yeah, that's a good twist. But I would also like them to use axes. But not on me.

Or on anybody innocent. I know. well, at the same time, I'll like the new story. Whatever they do, I will read it, go, whoa. Like, I'll be interesting. Yeah, but no, it'd be that. Absolutely. So he's 14 years old at this time.

He's in his early, yeah, early to midteen, somewhere around there. Yeah, I mean, he's about 13, 14. Show me, they did it. Yeah. I mean, I was thinking Heath Ledger, a knight's tale. Yeah. Oh, I'm an knight. I'm handsome. Right? Is that, was he British in that?

I actually. Actually, we just got written up in men's health. And they said that you, were a comedian. If a comedy podcaster was made in the lab, they said that was you. And I agree with them 100%. I'm pretty certain the article was written by a bot.

No, I think it was written by robots. I think so, because it seems like it was like a list of podcasts that were popular like five years ago. That's still nonetheless. But I agree with that. And you're coming in today.

You're coming in today. All right. I just keep saying. AI has not been wrong yet. It's not wrong now. Hey, it worked for Adam's hammer. Gilles participated in a successful campaign to resolve an unknown yet probably meaningless dispute between two noble families that resulted in the deaths of dozens, if not

hundreds of people. Geel then, of course, returned to his castle to revel in decadence. Cool. This is actually somewhat of a normal pattern for French nobles. You'd go out, you'd kill a bunch of people, you'd probably fuck up your own peasants for a little bit, you'd let the other army fuck up your peasant. a little bit, you'd kill dozens upon dozens of people,

then you'd go back to your castle and eat goose neck for the next six days. I feel like all of it feels like stressful. Even the big meals seem kind of stressful and I like a big meal, but it's like, partially it's like everybody's there. Here's a bowl of sparrows feet.

But I would eat that, but I kind of want to be alone. Like at that point, I'm tired, I'm burnt out. Because that's what I do at the end of touring and stuff. just like a night horse comes out. I'll order like $90 with the Chinese food for myself. You say a night horse? Yeah, night horse is when the food

comes and when I change to a man that needs different than the healthy man that was during the day. You self-describe as night horse when you're hungry after 10 p. This has already come up. We've talked about this. I don't remember night horse at all. I don't remember night horse. It comes upon me. But I want to be alone.

Because with these meals, you still got to entertain. I just got done killing everybody. I just like, I'm out of juice because we did a whole like group thump on a bunch of pilgrims. And now what am I supposed to do? Now I've got to eat in front of all y'all, all the jester. I got to maintain the jester because he's not funny. I got to kill him. You know, difficult it is than to find another one.

Yeah. But you know, when you go home and you eat and, yes, because I completely understand. But you want the TV on. You want Guy's grocery games. You want Triple D. But I don't want to entertain. Yeah, but there was no Netflix. There was no TV.

You have to do it live theater and chill. I know. There's tapetries. You eat, you watch food shows while you eat. Yeah, of course. It's like watching porn while you fuck. Sometimes it really does. It helps you get re-hungering for the food that you're eating.

You don't do that? No. I don't watch cooking shows. They're boring as fuck. You got to watch a cooking show. And then what I do is sadly is that this is really true. It's like I'll get a food that obviously resembles nothing of like the fancy cool food that they're eating. I eat like a bowl of cereal.

But in my mind, I kind of pretend that it's the food. that they're eating. You don't watch Triple D? No. We're all different. We are all different. We're all different. You know Italy's a boot.

I'm a comedy podcaster made in a lab. I know. I know. And he doesn't watch fucking Triple D. And I've got a brain full of craggy rocks. How much Guy Fietti have you watched in your life do you think? Hours. Maybe 10 minutes.

Interesting. Wow. And he can still consort with you. It's amazing. Yeah. I know him as a character, but that's it. Oh, he's a little bit more than that.

He is. He's a man. He's a father. No, He's a volunteer. He's a chef. He's a restaurant tour. He's a business owner. Thank you, Henry. Absolutely correct. Soon to be president. I have nothing.

I'll take him. I have nothing against him at all. I appreciated when he followed rage against the machine on tour for like six weeks. I appreciated that. He's anti-establishment. He is. Until he becomes an establishment and then we'll see what happens when the long arm of Guy Fieri comes for us all. You would have to do something real bad for me not to defend him.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, what's real bad? catering Epstein Island I'm Guy Fiat and I'm rolling out to America's places where people have sex with young people I'm glad that we let it roll out I'm glad too yeah

well pretty soon after Gilles first battle his grandfather Jean de Crayon decided it was time for Gilles to get married Oh yay! Good for him! Now the question of Gilles de Reyes' sexuality has been the subject of much controversy throughout the years. We definitely know

the Gio was not heterosexual because it was said multiple times that Gilles had no interest in women whatsoever. In fact, some of the conspiracies that have sprung up around his conviction for hundreds of child murders and his subsequent death, they assert that he was framed and killed because he was gay. One of the reasons why he was framed. One of the reasons. I personally do not believe this to be true,

nor do I believe that Gilles Dere was gay. Gilles de Ré was a pedophile, full stop, and was only sexually attracted to children. Didn't matter, both sexes. To go from one to a hundred, here, his servant said that the main difference in how he treated boys and girls was that he took more pleasure in having sex

with the next dump of girls he decapitated than he did, in quote, using their natural orifice in the normal manner. While boys, he just did whatever. Yeah, so... He was a man of different tastes and different flavors. We're all made of multitudes. Yeah, I guess like... It's a spectrum. Loves a spectrum.

Loves a spectrum. This house chooses love. This house chooses love indeed. He's kind of a Gary Glitter tendencies. Far worse. Yeah, he's worse. So Gary can feel good about that. He really can. Let me call him.

So suffice to say, Gilles-Dare's marriage was not what you'd call successful. See, if a woman marrying in medieval times had the best of luck, she'd have a husband who was at the very least kind, and they might have something that resembled love eventually, like the Starks. Security grows into love. Yes.

Doesn't it? That is why I keep you safe from the pillaging hordes, Carmelita. Oh, sweet Carmelita. Now, you haven't bored me your son? Unfortunately, I'm going to have to cut your tits on. Oh, no. Yes, but I'm one of the nice ones. Yeah, so nice is probably just they don't get killed.

Yeah, they don't get, yeah. Nice is like they are cordial. There's some love back in the day. I feel like it was something. Who knows? Every once in a while. I would hope so. Yeah, Ned and Caitlin Stark, they had, they were fond of each other.

They were fake, but yeah. They must have had love back then, too. Yeah. Of course. They were, I would say a fondness. Okay. But for others, they were matched with men like Gildo. In this case, we have

Catherine de Tuers. And even though she was a distant cousin of Gilles, which violated the church's laws on consanguinity, her family estates bordered the lands owned by Jean de Crayon. Wait, they used to call bro-s-s-sice-love cons-conconscionation. Yeah, they made it sound fancy. But yeah, that's just, that's them cousins. That's them kissing cousins.

Yeah, that's cousins marrying each other as consanguinity. Yeah, but it was against all the rules, why it's just why for a long time their marriage was shunned because it shows more. That's why, like, as we keep building the case for whether or not the crimes of Gilderay were real, it's more about, like, where does the man come from? What are other signs to show the depravity of the dude? Yeah. Everybody said, we are, our crew is against cousins fucking.

Like, we don't like it. Other royal families do it. Whatever with them again, good for them, whatever they like. But we don't do it. and they specifically, they had many options. He was an extremely, like, the potentiality of his kingdom was massive. He could have gotten anybody. And the fact that he wanted to keep it in the family was an immediate showing of like,

oh, this is like a deviancy that's starting to grow from early on. Yeah. Well, there's also a practical side to it as well because Jean de Crayon's lands bordered the lands of Catherine de Towers. So a match with his grandson, it was too good to pass up. Yeah, I did cousin marriage. in Crusader Kings. You have to. You have to. And so, in November of 1420,

when Gilles was in his early teens, he rode to the castle Tifurge and kidnapped Catherine de Tewares. He then terrorized him. I'm doing the best I fucking can. No, you're doing great. Do the best I can. As soon as I heard that, I just thought of, I just wish men were more romantic like they used to be. You're mine now.

Go here, woman. He then terrorized a monk into performing the ceremony because of the consanguineous nature of the marriage. But in her marriage, Catherine was vaguely lucky because the marriage was one of the few times that she had to actually be in the presence of Gilles-Dor-Rae. Now, that's not to say that he wasn't physically and mentally abusive to her

when they appeared at the standard festivals, baptisms, and weddings, but most of the time he left her to live at the castle Puzuzhouge, where Gilles never went. Now, they did have a child 10 years after they were married. Which speaks to a lot, that's a very, that's like a lifetime in medieval time to wait to have kids. But that conception was certainly not a romantic endeavor and had more to do with securing

Katrin's lands and producing the obligatory air more than anything. I don't think he ever saw his child. No. Yeah. He didn't, he had no interest whatsoever. You think they did it with a sheet? A little hole in a sheet? I think that when they did it, it was either perfunctory or it was extremely brutal.

Yeah. I would imagine extremely brutal. Yeah. Yeah. Now, of course, the marriage between Gilles and Katrina wasn't the only land deal being made through a marriage, and it certainly wasn't the only one that involved violence on the part of the De Re family.

In the early 1420s, Jean de Crayon's wife died, so he decided to remarry. And in order to consolidate land and power even more, Jean de Crayon married Catherine de Tuerre's grandmother. On de Cééé. I thought you were... On de Zier. What?

Who? He's a crayon. She's a marker. Oh, wow. I mean, I'm now seeing in your mind. I saw like a collection. I saw the him as your giant crayon with the crown on it. And I saw a lady with boo.

I saw boobie's on a marker, obviously. It's a long hair on the marker. When you smell my wife, you get high. Remember that when markers used to make you high? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I loved it. I loved it.

And then they ended up making the markers that smell good. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, the good smell. The scratcher stuff. The great marker was the best marker. They don't do it anymore, though. It's because the chemicals probably caused us all the same. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, when Jean de Crayon married And de Cia, that granted in the castle's tithage and puzzage. Oh, right. Yeah. However, these castles would not be passed to Gilles upon Jean de Crayon's death. So, Jean had to brute force his way around the law. And Gilles de Ré was about to learn an important lesson. John kidnapped the wife of the man whom those. castles were supposed to pass to after his

death and told her that if her husband didn't give up the castle depose and pusage, he would sew her up in a sack and throw her in the river. That's called negotiating. Do we know if the husband likes her? I mean, it's a matter of honor more than anything. It's more just like, that's my wife. You don't do that to my wife. I'm the only one that can

hate her. No, he just, she just died. The dude was going to get these other castles. And then he took the woman that had the castles attached to it and she'd be like, well, you're my wife, no. Nor wasn't it so you're my wife now. So like, sign over these castles to me are also I'm going to sew you up in a sack and throwing in the river.

Again, negotiations have to start somewhere. But she called his bluff. She refused. He did not. So we're up in a sack and throw in the river. What? So to try and negotiate a peaceful end, the captive's husband sent three emissaries, including his own brother to rescue her.

But they were thrown in the dungeon to, quote, rot without food or drink. Now we're just collect. and family. Yeah. Do they also use that dungeon as a bathroom? Have you seen that? Like the toilet dungeons that existed back in the day?

Oh yeah, where people would shit above the toilet. Yeah. It was nasty, dude. You don't want to be down to you. No. Well, finally, though, with both his brother and his wife in captivity, the rightful heir to the castle's Teufurge and Puzzoj gave up and handed over the rights to the castles in addition to a ransom.

Oh. He then reported the behavior to the crown in hopes of some sort of punishment for Jean Jean de Creon's behavior. Yeah, he went tad. But to the point of the king, having little real power at this time in France to police the nobles, when the court sent a royal messenger to Des Crayon's castle, De Crayon had the messenger brutally beaten and just sent him back to the king and said, that's what I think about that.

Like Jamal Gashoggi. Wow, I don't know. Jamal Gishogi. You don't know that story? The Saudi? The Saudi prince who killed the journalist? Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, this would be different than that.

but, I mean, he did still, he just killed it. Yes, it's similar. He killed the messenger. But yes, he killed the messenger, but this guy wasn't killed. He was sent back to the king. He was sent back to the king. Brutely beaten. And when the court issued a fine for the whole incident, the crayon simply didn't pay.

And there was no consequence whatsoever. And that's a lesson that a lot of men have learned over time for a long time. But if you just don't pay your bills, actually sometimes it's very difficult for them to come get that money. Mm-hmm. It's true. Not for us. actual rich people. Oh, yes, actual rich people.

Yes. Yeah, they're smart. Now, Gilles de Ré learned an incredibly important lesson from his grandfather during this entire escapade. See, most noblemen didn't conduct business through kidnappings, ransoms, and savage beatings. They only did it sometime. Yeah, he was acting like a mob boss. Yeah. Like, he was doing the thing where, like, this is how I do stuff. And most of the time, people just, like, don't want to deal with it.

Mm-hmm. But Jean de Crayon was teaching his grandson that a nobleman could, could conduct himself in such a way if he was so inclined. And Gilles D'Ere was very much inclined towards activities far beyond kidnapping and simple beatings. It titillated him. Immediately understood. Because he'd jump right in. That's why Jean de Crayon was like super into Gilles.

Like he loved, they actually were, whatever their version, I don't even know if it was love, but he saw a kindred spirit and took extra attention to make sure that Gilles was like going to be just like him. Mm-hmm. So because his grandfather had ignored the laws of God and man, Gilles de Ré was now heir to three fast fortunes. And if Gilles believed that he could treat noblemen in this matter, just imagine what he could then allow himself to do to the peasants. Right from your grave. Now, once Giel was of legal age and was able to control the fortunes he'd already inherited, he began ignoring his grandfather altogether. And while we don't know,

exactly when he began murdering children, I think it's fair to say that he probably at least dabbled in heinous activities after he was answerable to no one. I mean, his whole life of never being answerable to nobody. And then all of a sudden you're grazed by a truly corrupt individual. And I'm certain there was plenty of abuse being bended about in his, just like, as of his way of doing it. Yeah. But pretty soon after Gilles came into his own, he would be called off to battle where he could spread his misery across France with every other. nobleman who was involved in the last phase of the 100 years war

116 years war please um was he actually facing battle yes oh yes so that's interesting that they actually sent the nobleman out to truly fight absolutely well it was their choice yeah they wanted to go because it brought great honor it brought

bragging rights and just that's what you were trained to do he was trained to kill and so now they put him out there to go kill and he really took to it Yeah, he thought it was very fun. Now, I'm sure most of you know that the 100 years war was not a war that lasted for a hundred years straight. How long did it last for?

160 years war. And that's what we're doing it. And that's what we're changing it. And it was actually not 100 years straight. It was three periods of war. And Gilles d'Hare fought in part three. Okay. There was a couple of decades in between each phase.

The first period, however, had been the most hellish. The Black Death in France began an end. ended during that phase. And it did not slow down the war a bit. Oh, yeah. In fact, the war only exacerbated the plague because of the thousands of corpses that were created by both the battles and the pillaging. In other words, if the plague didn't get you, the soldiers would.

Oh, yeah. And then at least you're killed. Weirdly in a way, I bet you, in a really fucked up way, it actually prevented the spread of plague in certain areas because they just came through and killed everybody that would have got the plague. And then it just jumps around. Fun times. All right.

Well, as far as how the 100 years war started, though, it basically came about because England in the early 14th century controlled much of France through a series of marriages and other royal fluffer-all that didn't mean jack shit to most people. Then in 1328, the King of France died. But due to the rules of succession involving matrilineal lines and other sundry-hore shit, the King of England was suddenly heir to the French throne. You're hearing this here, right?

This is where it gets complicated. Kistel just let it through. Just let it roll through. That's what I do, too. I'm just letting this information. Just hit my eyeballs. His words, the sounds of his words, the vibrations are hitting my eyeballs. I'm looking at him, seeing him smiling, getting sort of that attitude, understand that what he's saying he's happy about.

Brain begins to understand all of his information still technically on Wikipedia if I need it. Henry, we're going to chalk this up to flufferol. This is all fluffer off. This is fluffer all. I actually said that word for your benefit in particular because I knew you would attach to the word fluffer. I love the word fluffer. That's all he can think about. Absolutely.

Italy is a boot. And Flufferall, it's a fantastic program where we send you a fluffer. If you have a porn, their hands are always wet. Mom and dad aren't kissing anymore? Flufferall. Welcome to Flufferall. A man who gets your father hard enough to love your mother. Yes.

Basically, a bunch of kings and queens would intermarry between countries for various truces, various, you know, all sorts of shit. Great. There were so many different reasons why they would intermarry. But basically when the King of France died, the King of England was the heir to the throne. And since England already controlled half of France... Which is kind of a snap-s-o-roo, right? It's bad, right? It was a mistake.

It was a mistake because then the King of England had the rights to the rest of France. The French didn't like this. They took umbrage to that. So they attacked England and kicked off 116 years of on and off bloodshed. Can we cut to a medieval flutes version of all along the watchtell? That's a really good idea. I feel like that's a good idea. Made in a lab.

My mom raised me. I ain't noticed you, baby. I just couldn't suck. I know. Now, by the time of Gilles d'Eray, 1425, the great mortality was almost 100 years in the past, and England was under the rule of King Henry the 6th, who was at this point not quite five years old.

Oh, a five-year-old is in charge of all this shit? He actually came into power when he was nine months old. It's a very important baby. Wow. France, meanwhile, was being ruled by a 22-year-old named Charles the 7th, who was at that time not yet named King because his father had technically disinherited him before he died. Is there all fucking children running the show?

It happens. Again, when you noticed that in a underlying, like, that's when to attack in Crusader Kings 3. Mm-hmm. Also happens in Game of Thrones all the time. But even so, this guy, Charles's seventh, was still in power as the dophain, which is a French word, meaning the guy who's next in line to be the king. Now, the hundred years war... Yeah, I bet he is a real fan of dough because a lot of those guys were pretty big.

Fain. Féphain. The fan. The fan. The fan. Well, bread is a sign of wealth. Yeah. Well, bread was all the people's food.

Yeah. Now, the hundred years war have been reignited. 10 years earlier after decades of peace when England invaded Normandy. England had since come to occupy most of northern France including the cities of Paris and Orleans. So to retake their lands,

the call to war was sounded and Gilles Dere was one of the many who answered. Remember, history makes you hot, guys. Both of our wives are hot women that voluntarily turn themselves into nerds. So now just understand the new cool thing is to be super into the 116 years

war. Okay. The last two weeks the only thing that my wife has been talking about around the house is the Cold War. Think about that. So when you say this is boring, it's not become a hot woman in your mind. There you go. It isn't that fun and she's using it as an analogy for your marriage. It's like a Cold War. Marcus, I feel like we're going through a Cold War.

I call you. You guys are more, it's more of an organized, what do they call? It's a theater of conflict. Oh, you mean like a Demilitarized zone? Yes, it's very much so. But here from author Michael Batail, or Batay, Batai. Who cares? Bataire.

I think it might be Bataya. Bataya. Well, here is a description of a soldier's life during the war. There were days of drunkenness after the pillage of an enemy convoy, knights of hunger in which one could not sleep. When one found friends who had been taken prisoner and tortured, in revenge, one tortured enemy prisoners to make an example, without hate, with indifference. One brutalized the peasants one met.

To avoid being betrayed by them, one needed to treat them worse than the enemy. One hanged many. The population did not get indignant. On the days of a hanging, the condemned formed a line waiting for their turn without anger, without tears, without cries. They helped to put the cord into place. They cooperated in the abominable rights that belonged to war. All right, Dan, let's take that back with a little bit less emotion. No, it's a little too emotional, Dan.

No, tell me, Sherry, did you not fill out the car resignation form? Seems that our DMV notice is late. Good, good. A little bit less energy, Dan. No, it's good. Did you have coffee today? It's the true unwavering voice of the unbiased historian. Yeah. That's a true radio voice. That is the voice of a true radio professional.

Yeah. I'm not, I love Dan Carnac. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Now, as far as what Gilles de Rey did in the war, he was not only permitted, but encouraged to quench his bloodthirst on the battlefield to the point of carnage. That's what it was for. Yeah. So technically, though, this is, he's being a hero by their standards.

Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is them, this is when the world, if it's true, that he's like, quote unquote, the world's first serial color as they talk about, it was perfectly done for him. Mm-hmm. Yes, this made him, he was a reckless yet still very successful commander. Part of that was because Gilles was in the early days babysat by a more experienced commander at the insistence of Jean de Crayon, which he wasn't about to lose his hair after all the bullshit he went through to get those castles.

But by 1427, Gilles had enough experience to command on his own, and he used his power and money to help raise five companies for military campaigns, in which his boldness worked to his advantage. And one assault on the English stronghold of Lüde, Gilles and his company attacked a large, solidly built garrison with a sustained cannon bombardment until his army was able to scale the walls for a full-on assault. That's you.

I was going to get the siege towers working at a good... Like, you have to eventually send in your fast units, right? Because they've got to muck up all their land units, wherever they're especially if they got any weird sort of like individual I use, right? If you're fighting those, then you bring in the siege tower. hours from the side, right? Because you have to start the bombing, artillery bombing first, because that's how you cover it. And then you come in from the... Did Jill do all this while sitting on his heated toilets seat also?

Honestly, yes, but his heated toilet seat was the back of a man. Yeah, it was a person. Oh, that's sad. When the signal to attack was given, Gilles was the first to the top of the wall, where he was faced with a famed English captain named Blackburn. Whoa. Within minutes, Gilles' sword had, quote, torn away between the plates of mail and buried itself in the flesh. And Captain Blackburn lay dead at his feet. And then he went and he looked over the corpse and he said, Show me the ditty.

Wow. Made in a lab. Wow. With their leader dead, English morale collapsed and the castle was taken. Now, the English were actually spared, but the French collaborators were executed. Gilles then moved on with his men. High on victory, they decided, fuck it. Let's try taking another castle.

It's always good to do roll with it because you don't get them a chance to set back up. Okay, got you. But when the garrison at Le Mans was too tough to take, Gilles and his company returned to court victorious nonetheless. Yeah, he already got one. He got one W. That's it. That's all he needs.

Sure. Now, while Gilles was out making a name for himself, his cousin, Georges de la Troumois, had been gaining influence in power at court, having been elevated to a position equivalent to prime minister, that of Chamberlain. See Georges immediately recognized that Gilles was a good ally because he was not only handsome and witty,

but was rich enough to maintain an army. But while Gilles was rubbing elbows with the most powerful people in France and being accepted into their inner circle, those same nobles were fucking up the war because of their own egos. By 1429, the English had taken control of the city of Orleans. Orla! Orland, after a battle known as the Day of the Herrings. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, the disorganized French had tried to attack the English supply lines. They broke a bunch of barrels of fish. Yeah. The fish were all over the place. And the stench of defeat was, of course, accompanied by the stench of herring. Herring. It's supply lines. That's what they did.

It's supply lines. Always. Now, nobody really knew what to do at that point because everyone wanted to be the hero. Therefore, no one was the hero. Nobody was working together. There was no unifying force. I mean, honestly, at this point, you've got to freak them out, man. You've got to grab one of those fish, dude.

Eat it raw right in front of him. Let them know you're crazy, dude. Yeah, sure. But they're also like, that actually looks good. And they just eat the fish, too. That's what they had the fish. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they loved all that.

Right. But luckily for the court, the person who arrived to report on the day of the herrings was none other than Joan of Arc. As soon as he saw her, the first thing he said. You go on. Show me the tit. Wait, now, so Joan of Art. This is real. This is real.

So she showed up here. It's in a play. So 1,000% real. Wow. When she shows up, Gildaree is there. Wow. They are intertwined in history. Joan of Arc, because remember to the one thing we didn't, I guess we did explain,

but it's one of those things. Our king, the French king, is hiding, right? Like, he's hiding, but there's a French king, and then there's also a English king of France. It's a whole thing. But so morale is falling apart. Okay. I don't know what the fuck to do. Remember at the time period, I watched a really interesting documentary called The Real Joan of Arc that talks about the concept time.

Whoever was winning in a war was on the right side of God. And that meant a lot to the people. Because the idea was like, so while the French were losing, it was because they lost favor in God's eyes. And that that's why they were losing and they were all falling apart. And they had nobody to look at. Yeah. And I'm just happy we don't do religious-based warfare anymore. We don't.

No. Not at all. Now, Joan of Arc biographers tend to ignore the fact that she fought alongside Gilles D'Eray, quite possibly the most brutal child murderer in known history. But historical records show that Gilles D'O'Rae saved Joan of Arc's life in battle during the few times that she failed. Really? It was in fact friends with the woman who is now a saint of the Catholic Church. In fact, Gilles-Doray's connection to Joan of Arc was why he was famous in France before he was famous for being a child killer.

Wait, you're telling me that's a Catholic. Catholic Church has direct ties with someone who might do something wrong with a child? I can't believe they ain't even trying to cover up. Well, that's a part of the rebuttal to the rebuttal. Yeah. Which is they're trying to make, it's a long game to try to remake Gildaree innocent because his connections of Joan of Arc, sully, her name. Mm-hmm. Oh, interesting.

So she's giving him the good rub. She's just like, well, he gave me that bad. He hung out with Joan of Arc. She was, she became the patron state of the entire country. It's, that is all real. Many years later. But at the time, she was immediately this fucking superstar. Yeah.

And so, since Joan and Gilles were close, it bears getting into the bizarre life of Joan of Arc. Super weird. It's very strange. Because you don't really know. Like, I went through a couple of sources to try to really, because the mystical end is really interesting. Because we know that she believed that she had a direct line to a series of angels. Yeah. For those of you who don't know, Joan of Arc was a peasant who led France's armies.

into battle on many occasions after being directed to do so by angels representing God. And she did it all starting at the age of about 16. Now, her military prowess is indeed real. There's no myth busting to be had there out of her 13 known military engagements, Joan 1.9. Pretty good? Yeah, it owes mostly to her incredible understanding of artillery placement. It means she was probably fantastic at math. Yeah, and understood angles.

I mean, there's also... Like, she just knew every... And she also understood intimidation very well. She did a thing. But this is, it's very, very interesting because there was a prophecy that was like put out amongst the hoi-polochism of France, right? The bigger shepherds. The bigger rounder. Yeah, the bobbers.

And there was a, I guess the line comes. They believe it might have started with Merlin. That's kind of they put it to like we'll get to our was Merlin real series eventually. Can't wait to bore you. That's my shit. We're going to do a whole King Arthur thing. I'm going to drag all you through that shit with me. But the...

I prefer the documented history, but that's just me. Oh, my fucking... Wow. I can't wait for that series. I'm already to find. We're going to come to blows. Yeah, we're going to have to start that series with ding, ding, ding, ding. Are you ready to rumble? The prophecy was that a woman will lose France, but a virgin shall save her.

And this concept of this woman... Well, Jaliel wasn't a virgin, though. No, the woman that law... John. There's another person. Oh, Joan was the virgin. Yes. There's basically, you're talking about the woman who lost France was why it was, that is a, a kind of meltdown of the idea of the family lines caused them to lose the throne of France.

Matrilineal lines. Yes. Yeah. But they said that there was a prophecy. This person's going to show up and it's going to take us to the top. And so at some point, this girl arrived. She arrived and she was a, she fit the bill. She was a full, like, you'd call her sort of vaguely a her heretic, but she was a.

true believer she was this, she believed that she had direct line to God, which is both challenging to people. Yeah. Because you had to prove it. You had to prove it. You have how she proves it, right? Somewhat. Yeah.

Which is like she proves it by guessing who's the king and a group of people that are like the king he hid amongst them. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. But so there's some kind of talk about, well, she trained and not actually some like just some peasant girl. Like was she actually of a.

rich family that she got military training and then some savvy people behind the curtain understood like that's the girl we're looking for that's our Zendaya we need her in front because she fits this picture that we're going to do and then decided there's that there's that story whether or not she because she showed up but she could jump on a horse she could use a lance and they're like she shouldn't be able to do it she definitely could read and she couldn't been able to read well how they prove she was a virtue a long process into that here in a second Because you know when you hop on a horse. Pop.

Yep, you hop on a horse. Also, I feel like... Oh, yeah, old Dr. Hyman's busted. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my name. The thing is, I feel like if you're a virgin, for some reason, if you kill someone, I don't think you're a virgin anymore. You know, yeah. If you kill someone before having sex for the first time.

It's just like, no, you if it doesn't... You jumped it. I cry for that child. No. Now, it said that while Joan of Arc, the person, was very simple. They even described her as childlike, personally. She was masterful in battle. But really only when she had cannon to back her up.

When she didn't, she lost. But that wasn't really the point of Joan of Arc. Yeah. Joan of Arc was a symbol, someone for the French to rally around and the English to fear. She freaked the English out. Yes. She was also out of her fucking mind. Oh.

Someone who truly believed that her frequent auditory and visual hallucinations were heaven sent. She saw full body. apparitions. She said the people that she talked to. I mean, she didn't even need meth like the Nazis did. She just fucking had it. They said that she was she never tired. She said that she was up on. I think she was like an 18.

You know, like in see you forget how young and strong you can be. But she would talk with them. There's some words. She also said she saw God in lights and sounds and she would see things and that she was given a set of things that she was supposed to do by the angel

Michael. The Archangel Michael arrived to She said, number one, great hair, smelled great. John Travolta. It was. It was in time traveling. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh, Joel, what you got? Oh, he's back?

Made in a lab. Made in a lab. But there's some sayings that they think that the angels she spoke to are an allegorical version of actual people she talked to. And she would pause it as she'd call her angels. Right. But they were like, guys. It seems like in any era she would have a compelling story and some followers.

Yes. Yes. But, I mean, it also could have been that it's been positive that she had a form of epilepsy. Oh, yeah. Because she also supposedly when she had these visions, she had, she saw bright lights. The visions were apparently triggered by bells, you know, certain sounds. And it could just be that she was trying to make sense of a very serious medical problem. Oh, yeah.

And she just fucking ran with it harder than anyone in history. So all of the opposing armies could have just like all rung. school bells and killed her. I mean, that would have been incredible. She was the Daniel Johnston of medieval history. Yeah, the outsider military commander, yeah. But the problem with symbols like Joan of Arc is that they often outlast their usefulness to the people in charge, because symbols are, by their very nature, unpredictable and hard to control.

And as we'll see with Joan of Arc, the end of a symbol can be quite messy indeed. Oh, yes. Now, according to Joan, she was only 13 when she heard a voice in her father's guard. She said it was about noon. Hey, Johnny, where you go, it's old Mr. Conn? The voice, she said. I don't care what anyone thinks. I love it. I love it. It's great. It's fine. The voice. It's fine.

Very supportive. Thank you. Of course. The voice, she said, came from the direction of the church and was actually quite disturbing every time it happened. Oh, Joe. Oh, he's back, baby. Wow. The voice usually came with a light, she said. And the sound of it was Henry ineffably grave and sweet.

That is, I literally couldn't do an effibly grave and sweet if I wanted to. Because I think it, that's why I view like Andrew Dufrey. I feel like something like that. It's more, because that's my Morgan Freeman. It's a stat word. Yeah, it's Morgan Freeman. That's, that's enough Drew Neva. Go through a wibble of shit.

Give a clean on the other side. Like that's all I know. It's not even good. No. No, it's good. But it's, yeah, that is ineffably grave and sweet. That's, that's Morgan Freeman. Like, say, Morgan Freeman in seven When he's talking to Gwyneth Paltrow. That's ineffably grave and sweet.

Yes, indeed. Your husband is he's spoiled that child as much as you possibly can. And then her head ends up in a fucking box. Whoa, sweet. Wow, I never saw that. I didn't see that part. Soon, Joe not only heard the voice. That's the only part I've seen.

Yeah, I just watch it over and over and over and over. It's what's in the box. What's in the box? And then he opens it up and it's just one of her. Testicles. Okay. Okay. We're going to let that be. Twenty, twenty, three, you never know what's in the box. Well, soon Joan not only heard the voice, but saw who it belonged to. In her hallucination, Joan was visited by St. Michael the Archangel, protective warrior saint of France, and the protector

of the Balois line of the French royal family. And he looked her up and down. First thing, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said. Show. Show me the titty. Very good. Oh, Andy. Show me the titty. Oh, that's good.

Morgan Freeman, are you here with us? He did a lap. No, and St. Michael appeared before Joan. He told her that if she was a good child, God would help her, but only if she sought the help of the King of France first. She ignored the suggestion for years, but eventually St. Michael was joined by visions of two more saints. The first was St. Margaret of Antioch, Margaret the Virgin, while the second

was St. Catherine of Alexandria. Not a virgin? No, just St. Catherine, Big Hole. Yeah, okay. Gotcha. Now, if Michael was a saint representing French patriotism, then the two women represented a moral strength. And in the case of Margaret, an almost

militant virginity. Yes, because Joan of Arc was It was interesting. She said she was very, very protective of her virginity. And she was constantly afraid that someone would say something as coarse as, show me the titty.

Because she was afraid constantly that she did not like to be in the private, she didn't like to be in private with men. She was afraid of them. But she was in private with men a number of times, which we'll get to here in a second. Okay. Now, Margaret the Virgin, according to legend,

part of the story. I know, I'm not being creepy. No, I know. I know. I know. It's fucking 800 years old. Live from your grave. A Margaret the Virgin, according to legend, had consecrated her virginity to God. That plan was disrupted, however, when a Roman governor proposed marriage and demanded that she renounce Christianity. She declined and was tortured, which is when the miracles that earned Margaret her sainthood occurred. The most impressive miracle by far was when Satan appeared in the shape of a dragon and swallowed her up. Whoa, that's big.

But she had a cross with her, and she started tickling Satan's inner. All right. So a Looney Tunes type defense. It works. Yeah, and so Satan got sick and threw her back up. She was a lie. That's why she's a fucking saint? That's one of the reasons why.

I'm also going to just say shred of it. That just means that, like, honestly, Satan wasn't strong enough in that time period because you don't think that's the first time. Someone's trying to tickle his stomach from the inside. Because you're wriggling around in there. No, I think actually still, tickling still works. It's a torture indeed. Yeah, ask my father.

Tickling still works. Well, that's just so we can make sure he has feelings still. Yeah, ask your father. Are you saying that you tickle your father or that your father tickled you as punishment as a little boy? Ask my father. We shall. Well, that's the thing is that this woman, after she was vomited back up by Satan, the Roman governor, decapitated her. Thus ensuring her martyrdom.

Honestly, things used to be easier. Yeah. A lot of saints got decapitated back. Okay, I know. She just doesn't, she didn't not get decapitated. Decapitated. So I don't know why she's a saint. Most of the time to be a saint. It's because you have been, it seems to be a car. A long running theme is getting tortured to death. Yeah, getting tortured to death, getting fed to the lions, getting your head cut off. But she also remember she consecrated her virginity to God. Yeah. And so she protected her virginity. She did not renounce Christianity. Miracles occurred and then she was killed. Boom, that's a saint right there. That's how saints work.

I wouldn't do it. No, no, absolutely not. I fold very, very fast. Because God was the only person that could say to her, show me the two. Wow. Now, these saints supposedly visited Joan of Arc at least once a week for five years, telling her over and over again to seek the king of France, seek the king of France. And she neglected to tell anyone what she was seeing until the taking of Orlin.

Now, we also only know this from her trial. We don't know any of this information about her, like, because she really did kind of pop out of nowhere, according to a bunch of people. She finally gave in to the Voices' commands and traveled to court to report on the day of the herrings, where she met with Charles the 7th military commander. Acting on the advice of the voices, Joan dressed in men's clothing in order to get her foot in the door, then ingratiated herself with two of the commander's men. And as it just so happened, when Joan of Arc arrived on the court scene in 1429, Gilles D'Elderet would. also there. She ladybugged it. Yeah.

Yeah. But opposite. Because ladybug, that was a boy becoming a girl. There's another one. It was more, it was the one where the girl puts the sock and, and then she rips off her shirt at the end.

And she's great. It's called Irish kiss or something. It's called, yeah, it's called one of the boys. Yeah, it's called two boys, one cup.

No, you don't want to see it. I want to say it's girls, the boys in the locker. It's something about like smoking in the girls room. Smoking in the girls room. smoking in the panties. Yeah.

Show me the titty. Show me the titty. It's called smoking in the panties, please. Do you want to look it up? He's looking it up. I'm literally searching the, I don't know how to Google. So this is girl stretches as the boy to play football. She's the man.

She's the man. That's what it was. No, but no, I'm talking about an 80s one where the chick was in the cover. Yeah. He doesn't come to a ground at all. Yeah. This is just really, because the audience is screaming. Oh, yeah.

Remember that she's in the cover and she has a football? One of the boys. We know what it is. It doesn't matter. I just remember the woman's breasts in it. Yeah, so do I. It's the only scene from the entire movie.

It was like in a cave or something. The rest of it doesn't matter. Wasn't she in a cave and it was raining? I don't remember. No, one of the boys is the Katie Perry album. No, that's wrong. I forget, I know the cover. I bought it to do.

And I used it. In your gilded chamber. Yes. Now concerning shielder Ray, and Joan of Arc. Thank you. Some of Gilles' der Reyes' biographers, the ones with more romantic points of view, they claim that Gilles was immediately smitten with Joan of Arc and thereafter fell in love at first sight.

No. They go on and on to say that Gilles was suffering from erotic frustration because of his wife's frigidity. Oh, yeah, because that's what they always say about medieval times in marriages, too, because women are even like, they're definitely allowed to be frigid. Yeah, yeah. And they also said that Joan of Arc became a symbol of spiritual and physical longing. and her purity kept her out of reach from Gilles D'Re. But to the contrary, it was documented by several authors that Joan gave off no sexual aura whatsoever.

Literally did not want it. It was just no sexual aura. She's a warrior. I believe that. Yeah. And Gilles D'Oret was, of course, a horrific child murderer who opened the body cavities of his victim so he could look at their internal organs while having sex with the cadavers while they were still warm because Gilles disliked a cold course. We're all different.

Well, you did, you did just, she worn that in there. Wow. I drink ice coffee all through the winter. Yeah. Okay. So that was something he used to do. We'll get into that, I'm sure. But this is a result.

So we'll get to the reason why I think there's also pushback about with these, these claims, because I think a lot of people don't do the horrible reading that we do and know that serial killers have done the things that he said that he did. Because a lot of people be like, no one would ever do that. But now we know for a fact that they do that. And then imagine what you would do if you had total complete control and this society wouldn't fuck with you for doing it at all. Yeah.

Well, and if you had the help of, say, four to five people. Like, if you had a team, a full team of people. Your cousins and your brothers that were all involved. Like an A team. Yeah, and people that are also covering up for you, just like an A team. Just like, man, that reboot, that dark reboot. Oh, it was weird. Yeah, it was weird.

Mr. T, I didn't know T stood for that. Well, his author of Leonard Wolf puts it, it was probably more likely that Joan and Gilles were simply two strange people who bonded through continued battlefield experiences and a shared love of the theatrical. It's because she was fucking bat shit, whatever she was. And he was,

he was, which is another crazy fucking maniac, like a supervill But it's even possible that Jones saw Gilles as a sort of project because while he was a psychopath, he was also a skilled and capable commander. And so, under Jones' influence, Gilles de Reyes had a brief period

of honor during this phase of the 100 years war when Joan was hanging around. You mean virgin I for the rapist guy? I didn't even write that. I didn't even do that. I didn't even do that. That's fresh. That's fresh. That is what you get when you make a

podcaster in a lab. Absolutely. In a lab and I just want to thank men's health for not hiring real writers. Does it mean that my memories are fake? Have I always been? Did you just meet me mysteriously when I was 26 years ago? We programmed you

this way, but we don't want you to find out this way. Yeah. Because you know how big of a budget me and Ben had back in 2009, 2009, 2010? You guys were secret millionaires. This whole time. That's why we were recording out of that fucking dingy, dank basement. Wait a second, I'm having another memory. Was I in a houseboat?

Whoa, was I Manchuriant? You are Manchurian, my friend. Oh, cool. Cool. Thanks for the wife, CIA. No, as far as Jones' appearance went, all accounts had her showing up at court with a short bowl haircut, shaved at the base of the neck, and cut above the ears,

as was the style for men at the time. And emo Phillips in the mid-80s. Very much so. He's one of my favorites. She was also said to be pretty, but not overly so. And she was average height for the time, about five foot two. They were very short back then. Frosh. Yeah. But the one thing

that almost everyone commented upon, and I only mentioned this in the interest of historical context. Thank you. Everyone from the Dukes who dressed with her before battle to the squire who helped her take a dump said that Joan of Arc had, in their words, beautiful breasts.

Show me the titty. Fantastic. I thought you were going to see something more negative about a stench that could come from her nether region. That's disgusting. That is absolutely disgusting. Many of them, they all said her breasts were beautiful. But they spoke about her. Was it suited for matronly?

It was like, suiting for, like, that's the term that they used for big bosomed, was that it was good for babies. The Duke did say beautiful breasts, in French, of course. Yeah. That's how you say it. Well, good for them. But I bring that up for a reason. Thank you. Some historical misunderstandings of Joan of Arc posit that Joan poses a man throughout her military career.

She did not. Yeah. She only dressed as a man until she gained access to Dauphane Charles the 7, the ruler of France. So she was like, oh, I have a. secret for you and then she's like look at these knackers yeah yeah what these tits be on a lot of dude no I don't know I don't know but isn't this the story where she showed up and she the way they wanted to prove whether or not she actually had magical powers because they heard about this this chick and she had like the power of prophecy right and she was getting they're like they wanted it to be real

yeah because they needed somebody to inspire everybody she had the fake nipple like the psychic and mall rats. Yeah, I mean, I get what you're saying. Yeah. I get where you're coming from. Psychic. Yeah, it's like that. She had that. Show me the detail. Thank you.

But she showed up in court and did the king did the thing where because no one knew what, she didn't know what he looked like ostensibly. No one really knew what the king looked like at that time. And so he hid amongst his courtiers and they said that if she could figure out who the king was, she's the real deal. The short guy screaming at everyone. Basically, but then she figured that, I do feel like there's almost a fear of that. And they were like, like, they didn't know that it was very obvious to the king.

But then she was like, and that's the king. And they were all like, no fucking shit. And they all flipped out. And immediately she, he princessed her, which is not, was not taken lightly at the time. Like he freaked, he saw that. Oh, it's still not. I mean, like, it very much impressed him. Yeah.

And, you know, I might be attributing things to her that may not be there. But it seemed like she was also, she was a good. judge of human nature. Like she, she could tell, like, it seemed like she could read a room and say, like, well, that guy is being revered above all else. A king's going to have an aura about him. She is a capital G great person in history's ability to understand her place and time and what it would serve.

And so did. And that's why it's so compelling to compare her with Gillesaudet, because it's the two very opposite sides. Yeah. where like it really was a true believer and a villain style, but they both kind of understood where they were in history. I mean, how they could affect it. Yeah, and maybe she's just, yeah, she could just read people and people like looked at that guy.

And she's like, probably that guy. And we talk about all the time, how many times we see somebody that just born modern. Yeah. In one of these time periods. And then they kind of stick out because they have this sort of like understanding. Because you'll see it was her, just her basic humanity changed the entire army. Yeah. While at her first meeting with Charles the 7th, after she revealed her gender, they spoke for two hours.

And it said that Charles wept after hearing what she had to say. Apparently, she had offered a private prayer regarding the legitimacy of his crown. And she was apparently quite convincing. And France, as Henry said, it was certainly at a low point here. And Joan of Arc seemed to be, if you're looking at it cynically, somewhat of a publicity stunt. Oh, yeah. It's sort of a last-ditch effort to turn this whole hundred-year-war thing around. Of course, she later proved herself to be valuable in battle.

well, but Joan of Arc as a symbol was far more important. It was way more important. Yeah. Of course, for those listening, the 100-year war was actually fun in three different increments and lasted a total of 160. Wow. Yeah. How did you know that?

I actually just, man, the thing was with crayon. He's just stuffing up the floor. Yeah, I guess not bad. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Now, for some reason. Now they got this guy macaron, he leaves crumbs everywhere. That's a cookie joke

Wait a second I'm made in a lab Your memory's fake Oh shit Now the Dolphine Decided that if Joan of Arc was a virgin Then she was sent from God And he'd consider her request To give her an army to retake Orlin

But if she wasn't Then she was sent by the devil And she would probably be killed Yeah it was a big gamble So Charles the 7th had all manner Of church officials and noble women Crawl all over Joan And they afterward concluded

that only goodness, humility, virginity, devotion, honesty, and simplicity existed within her. Now, you know how they tell if you're a virgin? How? Literally how? What they do is they, it's just the ancient, you can do this at home. Does you want to tell this man? Like, no, no, no, no, no, there's real. This should be a joke made in a laugh.

No, absolutely, no, no, no. Is that you get the woman, you get on her back, you get the legs up there. And if he is, you take a little seed, you throw it at the pussy. Uh-huh. If it bounces off, she's virgin. Yeah. But if it's, if the seed sticks.

That's a lady who's been a hundred. She's been plucked. If it eats, if the vagina eats the seed, that's how you know. Yeah, like Little Sharp of Horace. Like it's Audrey 2. That was Nat Night's Birthday date. No, really? That is fantastic. That is fantastic.

But after all the probing and prodding, is she still even a virgin? Well, I don't. Because they get the specula, whatever the fuck it's called. A speculum. Don't know how they checked if she was ever. I do think that they literally just stuck a finger up her pussy.

They might have. But then she's not. Well, yeah, she is a virgin. Yeah, you get, you're not a virgin when you get fingered for the first time. You're, you lose your virginity when you have sex for the first time. Depending on how vigorous it is. Yeah. I didn't go to Notre Dame, buddy.

You're sexual. I actually, that's up for debate. We can move on. I just don't. It's like a weird thing for them, but people are weird. No, it's because, again, it's about is, is what she's saying real? Right. Because a part of it was a virgin would say France.

France. Right. Got it. Yeah. But the king still asked for a sign from God. But Joan, in a shrewd tactic, so that she would only produce that sign at Orlin and nowhere else. Because that was what the voice commanding her said.

You got to do it in Orleans. And so the king figured, and for a penny and for a pound, if you'll excuse the English expression. And he gave Joan of Arc control of an army and sent her to Orlean. Marcus, when you write sentences like that, did you think that anyone wasn't going to? Or like, No, I can see the smile in his face like, in for a penny, in for a pound, if they excuse me.

The reason why I would ask for, and perhaps pardon, is because I'm speaking of the French here, and at this time the French were enemies of the English. It is a Dan Carlin joke. So I would imagine that perhaps the French might take umbrage to me using an English expression to describe. Not made in a Latin. Not made.

100% Texan homegrown, my friend Made the old, made the old fashioned way by bullying. All right. So, Joan of Arc was given control of an army and was sent to Orlean and tow of course was Gilles

de Rey, who was placed in charge of another company supporting Joan. Now, when it came to the theatrical, Joan had a special suit of white armor made for her ride to Orleans. Yeah, man, like Eddie Murphy. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, she was,

I think quickly figuring out that the more she played up her image, the more likely it would be that people would follow her. Also, now we're turning the tide, right? They were trying to get, like, trying to inspire people. We're trying to say gods on our side. Now we got God's number one agent here helping us. Super cool. She also had banners made featuring Christ, flanked by two angels,

which was a design that she said was, again, given to her by her angels. Man, they had a fucking graphic designer. They had a PR guy. Yeah, this all right. She also carried a sword with five crosses engraved on the blade, which she'd found rusting in the back of a church after the voices told her where to find it. This is also like, it really is true. Like, and there are what, there's a lot of accounts of people saying like,

the thing about her is that she was spooky. Is that she would say shit like that. She'd go off and be like, there's a sword in the bar that belongs to me. And they're like, okay, John. Yeah. And then she'd like go and find. He's like, I told you, I've got directed me to. it. And you're like, well, I'm just, oh, I hope we're having lamb consummate, right? What do we have in here?

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure some of it was, of course, propaganda. Of course. But the thing is that even the English would say, like, it was supernatural to see her on a battlefield. People stuck whatever it was, they stuck the K-Faib. And they all knew they all had to, like, present her as such. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that's the thing is that the people loved her for it. And of course, because the people loved her for it, then the king loved her for it. And military commanders even started following. At first, they grumbled, of course,

because this fucking 16-year-old who just shows up, they're putting her in charge of armies. But then once she started winning battles, they were like, oh, huh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And she was fighting order for it. It's the Dan Carlin X factory.

He talks about all the time. Yeah. And she was good for morale. And some have, of course, tried reducing Joan of Arc to a simple mascot, even though her skills in battle are well documented. But I believe that her true contribution to the French military was that she instituted radical changes in how medieval armies behaved,

even if some of those rules were a result of her forcing rigid Christian morality on others. For example, Joan told all of the sex workers traveling with the army that they had to get married to someone within a day of her decree or leave. Well, you know, she was shutting down. She was shutting that pussy down. She also forbade all swearing and blasphemy and required all the soldiers to go to confession. Yeah, she made it all nice. It might be good for, you know, keep the focus, you know. But the most important change she made was when she forbade her soldiers from pillaging,

raping, and murdering the peasant populace. Well, that's kind of, that's nice. I mean, it was definitely a hard, just, it was a hard way to try to get them all to change. They were really used to it. It was a tall order because not only were they used to it, as Henry said, but they derived a lot of their pay from pillaging the peasant population. But Joan came up with a radical solution for this problem. problem. She proposed that Charles the 7th pay them.

Gig economy. Pay them a living wage. Pay the soldiers. Pay the soldiers a living wage and then they wouldn't be tempted to act like animals. Now, Charles the 7th had to make massive sacrifices in order to do this. He had to sell off so many jewels that were just sitting there. So many jewels. And those jewels were sitting there. Yeah, they were sitting there and he had to sell them. And so all of a sudden Charles the 7th doesn't have all these jewels to live.

Look at it. Because they used to have those jewels and now think about it. Now they're someplace else. Now they're getting paid to a soldier so he won't murder that your peasant population. And what's the use of that? You can't see that.

You can't show that to your friends and say look at that thing. Also, if they really wanted to pillage the peasant class, it's called taxation. Oh, they already were doing it. Now, Gilles de Reh also contributed to the soldiers pay, perhaps hoping to gain the approval and acceptance of the person to whom he'd been growing closer to since the right. to Orlean began. This, however, might have just been Gilles

the sociopath going with the flow to ingratiate himself with someone of obvious power and prestige. But as words spread that the French army was actually paying its soldiers, morale spread amongst the countryside because they were no longer terrified of being raped and murdered by the military. Yeah, I bet she eases up dinner time sometimes. Yeah. Suddenly the people even had a kind of positive attitude towards France. Kind of positive attitude towards France. That's as good as it's going to get. I mean, we're on it.

As long as they're slightly in the plus category. Additionally, people who had a problem with the whole raping and pillaging aspect of soldiering, they were now joining the army. Yeah, now they're getting the pussies. That meant that their rank and file were no longer made up exclusively of monsters. Because that was the thing is that Gillesilde-Ray, like, we'll get, it was we'll cover. When he showed up, he's a very dangerous human being. Sounds like it.

His people. His people were very, very dangerous. They were very fucked up. Yeah, if they're following him, it seems like they might be. Yeah. And so, with a stronger army, higher morale, and Gilles de Rey at her side, Joan of Arc set off for Orlean to free the city from the hated English. Joan, of course, famously didn't last long after that. And once Joan was out of the picture, the true horrors of Gilles de Ray began,

which is what we'll get to in full on the next episode. The last podcast on the left. Hope you like neck fucking. I don't like it. I mean, Marcus alluded to what he liked to do with the cadavers. Oh, yeah. We'll get it. Next week it's going to be a full-on, like Elizabeth Bathory style.

A cavalcade of horrors that were inside his many, many castles. But don't worry, eventually we'll get to theater. Nice. And black magic. Cabalcade of horrors. That could be a good name for our next tour. Yeah, sure. That's good.

Again, we're bringing sexy flax. Those are my two options so far. I mean, let's just let's sit in the workshop right now. We're chopping. It's in the lab. Yeah, it's in the lab. Bringing sexy flags. It's in the...

If I go into that fucking lab and there's a second me growing to replace me, I'm going to be very, very pissed. This one we got to make sure it doesn't have that high blood pressure. That was our mistake. We baked him in sugar water. No. Thank you all so much for listening in April 8. You can see Henry and I, we're going to have a good time. Get a made.

Not L.A. slash disaster. Makeup of Jago's that stories left. And as Henry, as Marcus said, check out our stream. It's every Tuesday now. go to our Patreon. I think you guys like it. And we're going to be at WonderCon next weekend. That would be March 24th and 25th, I believe. Sounds right to me.

Yeah, and yeah, we're going to be signing books on Friday for Z2 Comics, and we're going to be doing a panel and signing on Saturday. So come on out. If you're in the Anaheim area, if you're in the Los Angeles County area, come on out. Come on out. If you're in San Diego, come on. Come on, man. If you're in Bakersfield, drive on down.

If you're in Needles, Drive on over. dirt you want to drive on North. Absolutely. And if you're in Needles, I don't, you can just, I don't know what happens. Needles is the scariest sound in town name I've ever heard. Honestly, what's crazy is the Spoon Museum there is fantastic. Absolutely. Needle in the spoon.

The damage done. Thank you all so much for listening. I couldn't figure out what was the opposite of needle. I'm tired. But you know, but you did that, he did say, Ben did say needle in the spoon. That's what you were talking about. That's what your brain was saying. Needle in the spoon. So yeah.

Cool. In a lab. I guess I am. Yep. What can you do? Science made me. God hates me for it. Hail yourselves.

Hail Satan. How game. It's like thank you to the goop that made me. And I don't want to say thank you to the the Weapon X program for that has made me because it's, again, we wouldn't be here without me. We wouldn't be. In Canada?

That's what they. They made Wolverine. Canadian? This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.