Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 57: Jesus

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

In honor of the holiday season (which is now thankfully behind us), the boys explore the myth of Jesus and the three theories as to where the idea of the man came from. Lizards.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. Why above your glass? That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Who's down to death with those coconuts? Oh my god, such sweet, sweet, sticky, icky, herb nerve they must have.

Yeah, dude. Woo! You're smoking some wonderful, uh, bubonic stuff right now. Oh my god, I am in weed heaven right now. Alright, are we good to go? Yeah, I seriously am in weed heaven right now. I love it. You look great. The weed is really doing a lot for your chins. Alright, that's Mark.

So I'm Ben, and then we got a stone guy in the clouds to my left. Hey ma'am, my name's fuckin' Rodney fuckin' Danko Danko, man. What do you mean? I got this fuckin' Primo Indica, man. It's gonna fuckin' make your nipples feel like they're little fuckin' memory foam beds. Fuckin' smoke manure, man. That's it, that's as far as I can go. I think that's pretty great. What was so good with the weed?

The weed's so good it made you change your name. I'm just gonna say that I have, um, I have a connection. Alright. It's been Christmas time. Let's just first, can I first just, before I even get to this, I used to do a big ol' fashion, Christmas can go fuck itself right in this big fat dumbass. I heard you had a very bad Christmas.

Christmas just blows to begin with. I had a great Christmas. And of course today we'll be discussing the birth, the origins of the birth story of Jesus Christ. We're talking, you know, what you meant to say is the, we're opening up the file on the Jesus myth. The Jesus myth, yeah. Jesus as the Arabic wizard, we all know him and love him to be,

is not real, and never once was real, and we will show you some of the proof on today's episode. Well, the Jesus myth is the season. But we actually, we know, I just met a very important weed man. Good. A man who knows weed. And how does he know weed so well? How does he know weed so well?

I cannot say specifically. Top secret. I would just say that this man is an expert on weed. Got me this stuff that is, most weeds grown in a closet by idiots. Sad. Shoe box weed. The stuff we normally smoke is just like made by,

60 watt light bulbs, no love. Sometimes a drunk friend's pissing in it. You know, on occasion. Yeah, oh God knows. Yeah, how many times I've taken the weed out of your bag while you have it and you're not around. And I take it out and I fucking swish it around in my mouth. I get wet with my spit.

And then you put it back in the bag. And it dries out. I do it all the time. No, I've experienced a very bizarre weed. This is weed that is grown by the sun. It is small batch, organic. Talking about just the glint of the crystals and the sun rays. It's the whole food version of weed.

When fucking, right before Geronimo jumped out of the plane. What did he do? Why is his name, what was his deal? He was an Indian chief. He was in fucking matters, so stupid, so fake. Well, I mean Geronimo wasn't real. It possibly was. He was real.

He was absolutely real. None of these people were real. I mean, I'm standing close to Native Americans. That's the herbal weed talking right now. No, no, no, no. Because the only thing this weed does is give you truth and beauty and light. And so it was grown in small batches.

That's right. It's like a fucking farmer's market weed. That's right. It's like the thick milk you can buy at Union Square. Oh yeah, that disgusting shit. Man, I had some not too long ago, three months ago, I bought a glass of it. They buy it on the glass, which is stupid.

How thick is this milk? It's like, I hate to say, you know how when you mix, it's like hot chocolate but cold milk. It's thick. It's got a crust on it. Yeah. It's got a head to it. Boy, you're really not selling this to me.

No, no, no, no. Money substance. The guy was just like, hey, you want some pure milk? No, absolutely not. And it's like, this is milk that literally, like this milk, it came from the cow's udder. We squirted it into a bubble. You're just a lazy farmer.

No, yeah, exactly. I didn't even get to fix it. He's like, this is how milk was supposed to be drank. Definitely not. This is how the calves drink it. And I was like, yeah. I mean, he sold you. This is how the calves drink it.

Did you alert him to the fact that you were a human being? No, no, no. You could tell by my gait that I was half cow. Interesting. He saw the centaur in you. And I suck it down. I suck it down. I was like, thick.

Ugh. And then it was very thick. I call it milk times two. It's like if milk was more milk than normal. Yeah, yeah. It's extra milk. And I sucked it down. I got very sick to the stomach.

That's great. Because humans are not supposed to drink that. He was right. Yeah, calves are supposed to drink it. Yeah. And even then, like, they shouldn't drink as much of it than I did. But you just slandered it right down one shot?

Yeah, I choked it down. Okay, good. I was on the way. I was working. I was walking around. Did you smile at him? Like, that was thick. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm glad you said that, despite fat customers. Yeah, I blew a horrible milk snot bubble out of my mouth. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, not bad at all. Well, I'm very happy you have this good weed. And I recommend that everybody goes out there

and tries to find the organic herb, because it sounds far superior to this garbage that we're smoking on now. It's the only thing you need in your life. Right. Speaking of things that people need in their life, they need the birth of Jesus to have existed. So today's episode, of course, is being reminded.

It is the season, right? Yeah. Some people always say, like, what's the meaning of the season of Christmas? Some people want to say, you know, it's Jesus. Yeah. And Jesus' love is giving. But the first thing, number one, is what kind of love

do we get from, let's say, Spider-Man, right? Protection. Let's just say Spider-Man was the reason for the season. I get inspiration from Spider-Man. It's the same thing. Spider-Man is fake. It's the same thing. Spider-Man is fake.

Jesus Christ is fake. And Christmas is fake. Well, Christmas is very real. Yeah, I just celebrated Christmas. So she's just start calling it iPod Day. That would be a better name for it. Apple Product Day. Yeah.

Steve Jobs Day. Yeah. Get your Apple products and go home and quit and fucking eat out of the trough. You lazy fucking American as we fight three wars and fucking, we can't adopt Russian babies anymore. I'm just saying, what are you talking about? Life is chaos all around us.

And we sit around, choking down fucking Eggnog, which is painfully better, laced with booze, and then fucking open our fucking worship altars to capitalism, which is our fucking Christmas trees. You haven't spoken for a month. Is that what's happening? Is this the first time you're revealing your inner thought? I've been thinking about this for five days.

Yeah, this is scary. Staring at the Christmas tree at four o'clock in the morning. I do not want to get snow captive in some bizarre mountain with you. Some bizarre mountain cabin. It will be very, very scary. I have a lot of bile in me right now. Yes, you do. I hate Christmas.

The humbug. Anyone who celebrates Christmas be buried with a sprig of holly in their heart. Oh my goodness, a sprig of holly, Henry. That's ridiculously rude to say to someone. It boils inside their own pudding. You have turned into a demon creature. I have to memorize the whole of Scrooge speech.

Yeah, it's a good speech. It is a good Scrooge speech. Marcus, can we just talk about the Immaculate Conception very quickly here? This is the biblical version of it. Yes, today we shall be reading from the Book of Luke chapter one versus one or 26 through 38. Yeah. Now let us get some appropriate music.

In the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a town of Galilee called Nazareth. Oh, Gabriel. Oh. To a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph. I've never done anything like this before. Of the house of David and the virgin's name was Mary. So you want to, I don't know,

I can't believe this man is working today. You don't act like no virgin. What are you talking about? I've never been with anybody. My boyfriend's coming over. And coming to her, he said, Hey, your favorite one, the Lord is with you. My pussy's so wet.

But she was greatly troubled at what was said and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. You trying to finger bang me? You trying to finger bang my pussy? Then the angel said to her, Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Oh man, I'm getting hard right now. What is this, a penthouse letter?

Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son. And you shall name him Jesus. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna fucking squirt. He will be great and will be called son of the most high. Hell yeah, that's me, man. Are you Jesus? Man, I smoked so much weed yesterday.

And the Lord God will give him the throne of David his father. And he will rule over the house of Jacob forever of his kingdom. They will be no... Squirt in my hair, squirt in my hair, Gabe. You gotta clean that out. But Mary said to the... What's it, how do you feel like I hate the fucking dudes in porno? This is so bad.

But Mary said to the angel, How can this be? Since I have no relations with a man. Oh yeah. You just did, baby. They're both dressed up like the people from Scooby-Doo. And the angel said to her and replied, The Holy Spirit will come upon you.

Yeah, come upon your fucking small ear back. And the power of the most gargiest style will overshadow you. No, shave my pussy hairs for me. Already did. Therefore the child to be born will be called Holy, the son of God. Hell yeah. And behold Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived. Like Queen Elizabeth E. Lizard birth, according to David Ike.

A son in her old age. And this is the sixth month for her, who is called Barrett. For nothing will be impossible for God. Hell yeah, it's fucking soap-ingism. Mary said, Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me. I'm going to pay a woman to say that someday.

According to your word, then the angel departed. Get the fuck out of here, bitch. Get out of here, you bitch. Here's your $400. And then it cuts to the bang bros thing, where it's just her sitting on the curb and them driving away with all the money. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Works every goddamn time. Works every time.

You convince these virgins you're an angel. Have you met my friend, Mr. Marcus? Yes. Well, that's great. Man, that must be amazing to get fucked by an angel. Oh, yeah, it's the closest thing to fucking seals. It's fake. It's not fake.

The Immaculate Conception. Very possibly fake. But there are some other theories out there about... Let's first start with just straight up. If anyone's seen a great documentary called Zeitgeist. Zeitgeist. That's a long ago. Absolutely.

It goes into the intricacies of, you know, with the religious basis of why we let 9-11 happen in order to get us into war. What were some of those? Well, you know, all this stuff. You know, it's out there. We'll have to do a 9-11 podcast, I guess at some point, but at the same time it's been covered a thousand times.

It's been trampled. I don't think we did it. I don't think we let 9-11 happen, right? I don't think so. I don't think so. But we very well could have. It's possible. Because we also did the...

We also did the Gulf of Tonkin mission. And the Spanish-American War. Exactly. Zeitgeist brings both of those things up. But they talk about the Jesus story. Jesus is a lot of things that are written in ancient literature or allegorical, you know. Jesus never lived.

Jesus was not a man. Jesus was a shade of an ancient story that's begun since recorded history. It started with Nimrod and Semi-Rhenus. And their virgin birth of their son, Tammuz. And this is the Zeitgeist version of it? Well, that's a mixture of Zeitgeist and David Eich. Did I not ever mention...

Someone told me the other day that I can't mention lizards anymore. I think it was me? Yeah. And Nicky said, I can't do this anymore. No, you can mention lizards. I think it's the most fascinating of all conversations. I mean, lizard people... It's all I talk about.

Yeah, it is. That's fun. I think we're on a good 25-episode streak. Literally half of our run of the show of you mentioning lizards at least once. Well, it's a pretty important idea. It is. But getting back here.

So what Zeitgeist talks about is, again, like a lot of things, it started off as the story of it explaining the sun and the sky. You know, it's like... I think there's a lot to the fact that, you know, maybe magic isn't real, and humans are just kind of elevated monkeys. And there was like a time when we were coming up, as we were monkeys, we're sitting around desperately trying not to rape each other anymore.

If we look up in the sky, you see the sun. That's God, right there. Boom. There's the sun. When the sun comes out, I'm warm. You know, it makes the wolves go to sleep. Makes all the sense of the world. You know, it makes like the corns growing.

That's the sun right there. Well, I mean, it truly is the only thing that gives us life. It's the only thing that's real, technically, that could be called a God. It's a reasonable thing to worship, I think, the sun. Yeah. Because it's right there, and it's shining, it's big, and it's beautiful, you know, and you stare at it, it hurts you.

Right. To look at it, burns your skin, except if you want to talk about we were probably all black then. Yeah. So we weren't burned. We have the luxury of being white now because of our invention of umbrellas. Long, long time ago.

You know, I didn't hear about this evolutionary stuff. The use of wool to color or cover our bodies. Is that right? And umbrellas. Yes. So really the thing that spawned the white people was gloves. Is gloves, umbrellas?

Shoes. Shoes and wool. Yeah. Parasols. Parasols. Heavy cake makeup. Oh, okay. For Vaudeville.

Yeah. Another thing that started because of white people. Interesting. Another great, great invention. Very interesting. But basically saying that, you know, humans, early humans were fascinated with the sky, you know. And also they were fascinated with like, you know, the fact

that there's an order to the sky. The same things happen all the time. Constellations come around. It helps you judge the seasons. You know, you realize that the earth works on cycles. And so they started to spread those cycles to all of nature. Yeah. Like as you would.

Yeah. Back in the days and the only thing we had to do was just sit and stare at the sky. Absolutely. All night long. All night long. The first reality. We were staring at the sky in these, you know, the

constellations come up all the time. And you start making up stories about them. Because when it comes down to it, it's again, it's just like, I just raped you. We ate a bunch of the cantaloupes that we had searched for all day. Oh, that was nice. So you fed her after you raped her.

Absolutely. Of course. You have to. Because then she used the strength to be raped again. Right? Right. We smoked some of the bush that we found. And how was that bush?

Fucking sticky icky, sticky icky. Some of the best, huh? You know? Save some for Henry. Yeah. And then in Caveman Henry, you sit there going like, Hey, hey, hey, hey. Which is like fucking drawn pictures of girls screaming

and like a very early picture of the Mike Myers mask. Well, which is found in prehistoric Staten Island, where the Growskis are from. Sure. They're smoking their fucking sweet ganja leaf. That's right. Fucking drinking the old grape puddles. You know, where the grapes fell from the vines.

Because they were licking it up. Yeah, they just kind of rub it on their face and like, we're good. Yeah, you feel better now. And you start making stories about the sky. And basically, if you look at it, so this same story has happened again and again. You know?

Queen is a virgin. Is approached by a deity, given a child that is now the savior of mankind. It happens constantly. It was the story of Horace. It was a story of Tamuz, and we talked about a guy named Mithra. It's the story of every brother who knocked up his sister's wife.

And he was like, you better come up with a good goddamn story out of this. Constantly. Yeah. Right? What we're talking about here is the winter solstice. The position of the sun and the sky goes farther and farther south as the year goes.

And there's a point every year that they basically talked about around the end of December, December 25th, where you can watch the sun stop moving south, right? For three or four days, again, the resurrection, under a constellation called the crux, this cross in the sky, right? And then it begins to rise again, which is the winter solstice. The days grow longer.

You know, the night grows shorter. Goes back again. Right? I feel like it forgot its keys or something. Yeah. Yeah. And the idea is that you take that, you know, Jesus as the sun, God's son, God's son, son, Jesus Christ.

Big word. That's right now. Yeah, I'm not being intense. No, yes, you are. Right? The east star in the sky was serious. Okay. Right?

Serious was the brightest star in the sky. That's how you could tell that's where they judged, where they were at all times. Okay, I think I know where you're going. Serious. Serious black. Harry Potter. Harry Potter, Hollywood.

Hollywood equals money. Money equals... ...Jew Zionist movement. Yeah! Intriguing. Wow. We just... Unpredictable.

Solved a whole bunch of different things. And then, next to serious, during the end of the year, Orion's belt, three stars, three kings, right? Again, threes, showing up all the time. All of an all biblical literature. Yeah, the Trinity. They line up with serious, right? In the night sky.

And they both happen to point to where the sun rises on the end of December, about December 25th. Okay. Right? So basically, what it is, it serves as an astrological marker. Whereas every year, it's like, this is how you know where the sun will be. And when it's... When basically, spring will start and the sun will begin.

This is when humans started to make their first calendars and things like that. Exactly. So part of that is, is that what they realized with the Jesus story, is that like what the Mayans tried to do, badly, was just judge the long calendar, which is like ages. Way to blow it, Mayans. Come on, guys. Let's get a watch.

You know what's amazing? We were on Earth the only time, you know, in the history of our six, whatever, billion-year Earth or whatever we've been on this time, we got to see the Mayans be wrong. They're the only group of people. There's a very small group. I'll tell you what they weren't wrong about. Churros.

Oh, they nailed the churro. Soak them in coffee. That's right. And basketball. That's a lot of fun to watch. Yeah. And I wish we would go back to the Mayans. No, no, white people made basketball.

No, but the Mayans were originally, they played a form of basketball. I thought we did lacrosse. The Mayans did lacrosse. No, no, no, no. They did death sport basketball. Cool. Much cooler basketball. Yeah, absolutely.

Either way, so we're here. December 25th, sun is rising. Three things. What they're saying also that Jesus serve as, it's like his, you know, his quote unquote birth, which is fake, started like they said it as the beginning of the age of Pisces, which as they said, it's like why, you know, there's so much like fish imagery, which is the consolation that was in the sky above that like that when that time period began. And basically like has been moving farther and farther out of off of our horizon as we

go in the year 2150, in that same place where the three stars meet in serious meets and shows that the sun's coming up. That's when in 2150, it's going to be the consolation Aquarius will appear in the sky. And that's when people believe we will turn psychic. We will start taking our clothes off and making love to each other. Yeah. And that's the premise for that song in the six. But all it does serve as a long calendar of eras, you know, so right now we're in the

age of Aquarius, age of Pisces, before that we were in the age of Aries, before that we were in the age of Taurus. And then we're moving towards the age of Aquarius. I want to get to that age of cock. The old rooster age. It'll be fun. Oh, yeah. Age of rooster dicks.

Yeah. Love in that. Yeah. Age of hamburger parties. Oh, man. I want to go to one. I know you do. That's what I'm doing for my fucking 29th.

Nice. Hamburger bar. Bar. Yeah. My house. Oh, yeah. Just put out toppings and burgers. Oh, yeah.

No. Make your own burger party. That's great. No, let's bring you. Home. No, no. Bring you for my birthday. Get hammered and make your own burger.

Yeah. I just feel like that was the exact, you know, thing that was on the tables in the hospital room that you were born in. They were just like, make sure you get a burger bar for Henry. He's going to be hungry. I just, if he's anything like dad, you know, born into a burger bar. Oh, man. Jesus is so fake.

And this is, again, we've been, we've turned this idea. You could put anything on it. You could have made him Spiderman. You could have made him, you know, the fucking R&B hit soul singer. I mean, you know, I think it could sing a little bit. It's a good tap. I mean, he didn't. So, so what's David Ike's take on this?

Well, David Ike has, he says the same thing, you know, like basically Jesus' story was an allegory for a bunch of different, different same historical quote unquote figures. But all that was, was a, another story for the, the weird, arcane, ancient religion that the Illuminati now worships, which is involving Nimrod and Semerianus. And those were the original bloodline of the reptilians. So was there a monkey version of the Illuminati? What do you mean? Like that started this whole myth because the myth has been around now for so long.

I mean, what is the, was it, it was all, it began and it was created by the Illuminati to control the people. Right? Yes. And so when it- Because you have allegorical knowledge. The idea is that- But it began back in monkey days.

Right? Sort of. No. Not that one. I mean, David Ike strings a lot of stuff together. Sure. That makes no sense. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's like, he's been talking about like, you know, there were monkey people, but there was also a very sophisticated race of white people from Mars that were also here. So we are the aliens. We are the aliens. Yes. And then did we help the monkeys not become monkeys anymore and we evolved them? I mean, yes.

Absolutely. Because they had to dig for gold in order to fuel our spaceships. It all goes back to the movie Blood Diamond, doesn't it? Pretty much every single time. Yeah. It's tragic. It's- David Ike's theory is troubling.

Oh, right? Well, what is the most troubling thing about it? The other problem is that it just like, it just kind of ties the Jesus thing into it that just doesn't make any sense. We just, every single, you know, it's like, I just read the rural passage on the David Ike book. By the way, spent two hours trying to read it on the plane on the way back from Florida to New York.

Yeah. I got through 12 pages. 12 pages? Not bad, Henry. 12 pages. It is very difficult to read. That's good, though. After a period of time.

I thought I was going to die. I just read Daredevil the whole time on my plane trip. I had a great time. Yeah. I can't be entertained anymore. So what's the most controversial thing about David Ike's theory? Well, it just lumps it into, it just lumps another historical figure into his idea. He wrote this, he wrote this, another thing, he was like talking about Joan of Arc was

also fake. Joan of Arc is also fake and that she was an excuse in order to put a French, the French reptilian bloodline into the English royalty. But at the same time, I'm still thinking about this, it's just talking about all these like weird manipulations of like the, this thing called the black nobility, which is like a certain, like all these dukes and people coming out of Belgium and all this shit. They were reptilian bloodline and how they worked their way in all these different like royal families.

And then after a while, you're just like, they're 50 foot lizards, they should just show up. Right. Like if they want to be bosses of the world, they just, just pop up and be like, Hey guys, we fucking own you now. We're 50 foot lizards. Yeah, we're just huge, right? Yeah.

We're huge lizards. I mean, you ever see the fifth element? You know, just be massive. Just be a massive alien. I'll listen to you. We will follow you. Yeah. You know, I'll work for you.

What is our choices? Well, we kill you or you listen to us and we still might kill you. Well, this is fantastic. But the one thing he, one thing he does pick up is this idea that, you know, you know, Jesus of Nazareth and he could be like, Nazareth is a thing that's brought up by the Bible all the time. But what Nazar, Nazar is well, the Nazarenes were and the now you'll miss with the song. It's a good song.

Yeah. I fucking get pumped up. Yeah. By the underrated Nazarene. They really hold up and they rock hard. But basically saying the Nazarenes were not, it's not a place, Nazareth was never a place. It was a society. And the Nazarenes were one of the secret knowledge societies, like the secret, whatever the secret

knowledge schools that helped hold the secret of the reptilian agenda. And this was all during Jesus's birth time. And that there were people, you know, talking about like part of the main reptilian blood lines were the people that founded Rome, Romulus, like in his grandfather, right? Yeah. Reptilian bloodline. They made Rome. And what they would do is during the time of Jesus-

The name like Romulus. I can't believe it. It was Romulus. Yeah. It's a powerful name. Yeah. And that they would leave, like once the whole Bible stuff started happening, the great grandson of Romulus would went to Africa, pretended to be Peter the apostle and told

all these stories about Jesus, all these different gospel stories, all of which were horseshit in order to keep the, because the Catholic religion and Christian religion was the umbrella religion that they decided to hold all of the esoteric knowledge in for the future generations. And then it started with the Egyptian religions and then moved into Christianity as the new like, we're gonna fool people with our shadow religion. See here's what I'm starting to realize about the lizard people, the reptilians. They seem like they're a serial killer that wants to get caught. Yes.

Like they keep sending in clues here and there because once David, it's like Nazareth was a secret society in which, if it's a secret society, then why do they know that? Why do they name him Jesus of Nazareth? Because it's fake because he's making that up. They weren't a secret society. You just look at all the stuff. He's like, it's David Ike sits alone in his house. No family.

He can't. No one can love a man like David Ike. I think he has a woman come over, you know, every now and again and fluff him and service him. He's just like, shove the head of the iguana up my ass. Are you sure, Mr. Ike? And then take its tail and put it around, put it in my pay-ho. My pay-ho.

He's just trying to become a reptile. I do believe, I mean, we could have been put here by aliens. Maybe. It's a very rational idea. But this story is getting a little complicated. It is. So we've got David Ike, so we've got the Zeitgeist. What's the third version?

Oh, a very interesting theory actually, talking about, if you look at the Gospels, the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, right? And the order by which they come. By the way, do we want to go back real quick to read a little bit more about the biblical version? Sure. Just to try to level out the playing field a little bit, because we obviously have David Ike's and Mr. Zabrowski.

It's really hard to make sense. It doesn't make any sense. Again, I want to say, as we've done many times on this podcast, this is only dipping your toe into a concept that is just fucking books and books and books deep. I sat and tried to listen to all this. The problem is, I'm reading and reading and reading, still just filled with rage for our personal Christmas. So it's like, it's just became my indebted.

I got on the train today, furious, coming to the podcast, being like, fuck Christmas, fuck Jesus, I'm gonna fucking now I'm gonna cross. And then what comes out is you can't, you can't come at a comedy podcast with that mentality. But you did. I did. Yeah. I'm still being funny about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I came in here horribly angry. We were so mad, but not about very different things, but still horribly angry. Just so, so I may not be making myself totally clear because I want to. I just want to take, I just wish I could take Jesus off the cross. And then what would you do with him? Spank him. Then you would have spanked Jesus.

No, it was spaghetti spanky. He was just tongue and a cross for three days, you want to spank him? Fucking, I want to get a big, fun, gay dude to suck his dick. Oh, he would love it. Yeah. You want to get Thomas Dale to suck his dick? Yeah, Thomas Dale would be perfect. Jesus.

Oh my God. He would be the best, the best secret gay lover to Jesus. Oh my God. That's what he was supposed to do. Well, there are a lot of theories that hold some water about Jesus's homosexuality. He wasn't necessarily surrounded by ladies. Yo, bro, it didn't matter because, you know, how can a ghost be gay? Was Spider-Man gay?

I don't know. Probably though. Who gives a shit because it's a thing. No, Spider-Man hasn't married Jane. Oh my God. Have they ever touched? And Gwen Sacey. They were married.

All right, let's get to the Bible story. It's all cartoons. It makes sense. All right, let's set some mood music here. And it came to pass in those days that there went out to decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. And this taxing was first made. Think about it.

That's right. Think about it. Fiscal cliff. Think about that. When Sirinius was governor of Syria and all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee out of the city of Nazareth into Judea. Joseph played by Bruce Willis. Oh, nice.

Unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house in lineage of David. And Bethlehem means house of bread, right? Which again, just means. Where you want to live. A constellation in the sky. It's fine. It's fine.

Let's talk about it. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country, shepherds. You got to use that, um, Expedia.com. They should have done Airbnb.

That's what they should have done. Shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them. Is this Terminator 2? Yeah. Well, I already fucked that girl. And the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great

joy. Why are you yelling? I'm an angel. Which shall be to all people, for unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, brazing God and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. You're out of the group. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. It's Lilo. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in the manger. I seem to have shat myself while I was giving birth to Jesus.

I'll tore up in things. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they had heard, it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all those things, and pondered them in their heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying, and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them. So what's the deal with Bethlehem?

Good timing with the bombs on you. Well I mean the Terminator main title is one of my favorite scores. Oh absolutely, I love it. Is that Danny Elfman? No, that's John Williams. You know usually Danny Elfman does a great one too. Well yeah, but he's got like slide whistles in it, and Adam's family quotes, lays through it.

So it just takes place in Bethlehem. What's going on here? Oh Bethlehem, again, Bethlehem means House of Bread, which is the name for the Big Dipper constellation. It was also the name for a long time, House of Bread. So again, that just corresponds to things that were in the sky around December 25th during ancient times. Do you think the Big Deep Dipper is ever going to be called like the Big Deep Friar in the

sky? Like the big old French fry holder in the sky? President Ham Wilson, guess this way. Ham Wilson? What platform is he running on? Yeah, Ham platform, that's all he's doing. He's walking around just like, well, y'all better get a fucking top of mail because my inauguration is not.

Yep, Ham is just his nickname, real name Luther. Luther Wilson. How'd you get the name Ham, Luther? We haven't had a precedent with a good nickname in a long time. No, not since Gibb and Hell Harry. Gibb and Hell Harry, true. Yeah, Nuke the Japs Harry. Yeah, well that was your nickname.

That was the Zabrowski family nickname for him. You had to, I was reading a thing last night talking about how like they fought so aggressively and they took so many like crazy things so we had to nuke them. They had to humble them. Jesus Christ. We went too far. Well, you could argue that we ended the war about five years before it was going to be over.

So we saved lives. We saved lives in the middle of it. We just destroyed farms. Who gives a fucking shit? I mean, millions of people died. Either way, that's good. There's a lot of people that died. Jesus Christ.

No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying, I'm the place in time. Different place in time. If I was president at the time, it had to be like, do we drop these nuclear bombs in Japan? I'd be like, well, fucking, that would be righteous to look at. That's me, my presidential bull. Yeah.

Video tape the whole thing, just, oh man, that would have been cool as fuck to see. Yeah, no, it's a different fantasy than what a good president would have. President Henry Pizza Zabrowski. I just voted for him because he promised free pizza. I gave myself after my favorite round food, Henry pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, Zabrowski. It's not even your favorite food. It's your favorite round food.

I got a favorite long food, too. It's a little. I had a hard time not being Henry Bagel Zabrowski. Henry everything bagel with locks and cream cheese and maybe some cheese. Zabrowski, oh, is it hot in here? Oh my God, I'm dizzy. I will. Oh, I must have gotten up too fast.

Yeah. The CIA is just like me. We made the wrong choice. So, we got the third option here, too. The third option is actually the one that interests me the most, basically talking about when the Gospels came out, all in staggered times after, quote, unquote, the age of Jesus, again, not real. Right?

That these were people that, according to the apostolic belief system of the Catholic Church, as if this was stuff that was from eyewitnesses, people were there who saw Jesus, who knew Jesus. But then you kind of found out that basically what it was, it was written by guys who said that they knew the guys. You just heard about the guy. Yeah, the Gospel of Mark was written by a guy like, I knew Mark, yeah, oh, Mark. Well, wasn't that written like 200 year, like 280?

But that was the one that was the simplest written. There's a lot of different, like there's many arguments about like, which was the first Gospel. And there are elements to some where it's like Matthew, Mark, and Luke have incredible similar elements. There's a lot of people talking about how like they may have all been based off of one of the other Gospels, or there was another thing talking about a Q document that they called like, which is like French for, and that Q just means that like, they just don't know

what that thing was because the Luke and John ones have similar elements and the other two don't, so they think there may have been an earlier document that they just stole from. There's another thing you learn is that they just stole shit. No one wrote original stuff. Shakespeare, again, that's why I don't understand, David like has a lot to say about Shakespeare. Oh, I'd imagine he does. He has a lot to say about everything.

He's just so ridiculous, but it's like all these just like, and where in his right mind would a poor man named William Shakespeare ever come up with some of the brilliant plot lines of his many plays? I would submit he did not, and it was like, but they, everyone just ripped each other off. There were just stories that had happened for years and years. It isn't Mark like kind of the dick gospel, like the one that has all the shitty rules in it?

No. Mark is the basic one. Mark is the one that just, Mark is the basic one that just basically said Jesus came out, he performed these miracles, and then it's kind of anti-Jew, which is like the end of it, it's just basically saying this is, you know, and the Jews murdered him and the Jews forsake him. I mean, it just sounds like minus the anti-Jew thing, what the best friend of David Blaine is going to be saying in 50 years, you know?

He was a real asshole. I'll tell you what. Fucking God forbid if he didn't get his latte. He electrocuted you. Yeah, he made you float everywhere. So what's your favorite theory? Basically, let's talk about this idea of the, you know, the gospels kind of stole from each other, and also they were obviously in sort of competition, they were never supposed

to be one book. It was supposed to be one gospel was chosen to be the Bible and all the rest of them could go fuck themselves. But what the smart people did later on was take all of them, put them together, and then you could see the many contradictions and stories. And basically what you find out is there's one line of thought that the Jesus story is an allegory for how the Jewish people, the Jewish people believed that they were being constantly punished by God because they didn't know how to properly worship him, because the

Jews have been persecuted by cultures forever. Since the beginning of being Jewish, they have been ruled by other people, never themselves. And so the idea is that like, even when the opportunity came to meet the Savior, it's like when Jesus was on earth, the true Son of God, that the Jews met him, they betrayed him and then they murdered him, that even then when presented with the true Savior, all they could do was say no. And then God was very stressed out, and he's like, how'd you fail at this? Yeah, you were not supposed to fail at this, blah, blah, blah, and that what these Gospels

served as a showing of like, look at all the things that Jesus did that we ignored and then betrayed. And that was also the thing with Mary and Jesus. They were supposed to be, like they were said to be a new Adam and Eve, and that Adam and Eve failed God's test, and Jesus and Mary. And Adam and Eve is another version of the Nimrod, Samaritanus, Tammuz story. And that Jesus and Mary were the ones that passed the test. His original documents made Cain the virgin son of Eve.

Really? That was another thing, too, is that that was one of the original stories, and there's a lot of talk about like the Gnostic Bible, which comes from Noah's perspective. And then there's also the story of Lilith, like the first mess, the first draft. And then the Dead Sea Scrolls talk about all the weirds again about the Jesus myth. Well, the Dead Sea Scrolls is where Nephilim come from, which is angels. You want to say a Nephilim like Gabriel raped a woman in a field and made a man. So maybe it's someone that spiced up the language a little bit.

Yeah. Nephilim equals Anunnaki equals the, oh, what do they call, daemons equals. The A-E-M-O-N-S. Yes. Daemons. What else was the Indian version, which is again the reptilian race that put us here and the grail, the holy grail, it's not a cup, it's not a bloodline, there's a lot of people saying it's a Barovian Jesus bloodline.

It's not, it's fake. Jesus was real too. Just never had a son or a brother or anything because he's not real. You tell me what. Right? Anunnaki. And he has not been drinking, folks. Not Chinese.

Totally sober here. Anunnaki's blind. All right. And it was Napoleon, Napoleon was Chinese. What? That was, was really was weird. What? Jesus was black.

Napoleon was Chinese. Well, I believe Jesus was black. John of Arc was, was John of Arc, was a dude, dressed up as a lady. All right? He got through a liberty as a rocket ship. Well, I believe that's true. The White House is a fucking chocolate factory. Well, sure.

There's so much fucking real shit out there. I got a subscription to Coast to Coast for Christmas. You did. Yeah. Good. I bought it for myself. I got a subscription. So you did not get it for Christmas.

I bought it for myself. You just happened to buy it December 24th and December 25th. To celebrate Christmas. Yeah. I got a subscription to Texas Monthly. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. What's that?

Is that just like free smells of barbecue packets? Kind of. It's just a bag of dirt. Hey, better get yourself some horrible shoes. Come on, Texas. It's just a great magazine about all the cool things happening in Texas. It's wonderful. Yep.

Jebediah Wilson runs like great, writes that great column, Hot Address. Hot Address every morning. Yeah. My girlfriend got it for me. Hot Address. How to beat your wife so her fucking friends will shut up about it. That's right. Yeah.

It's hard to do. It's very hard to do. Body shots. Body shots. Get put on some spanks. All right, Henry. So this whole thing has been completely insane. I'm sorry.

This was disorganized. Yeah. No, I just started to. But I will say it was probably the most organized of our disorganized episodes. Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. Yeah, I would say yes.

This is definitely more organized than our alien agenda episode. Yeah. I still think that's probably our most confusing one. Absolutely. This, I'm just going to start putting up some of the articles. I'm going to put the supplementary material on the Facebook page. Good idea. Feel free to read them.

Don't believe in Jesus Christ. If you're a fool, if you do, well, you know, unless it makes you do nice things. I'm some of our, maybe, a Christian people. Who's, who? I don't know. Who could possibly listen to this podcast? Well, this has been very interesting. It's been enlightening about the Christian faith.

It's very interesting. It would have nice, I tell you what, man, it would have been nice if Jesus was around. He seemed like a groovy guy. He really did. He seemed like a thing. He would probably smoke that sweet weed with you. But guess what, man, human beings are fucking animals who can barely keep from murdering each other.

And we can't let a nice guy be around because we would chop his dick off. All right? Especially in, like, fucking, in 80. Like a guy did. No, we wouldn't eat it. And the fucking, like, turn of the, like, fucking, zero, zero, 80. It was a horrible time to be alive. Jesus Christ.

A nice guy. They would have chopped him up and eaten his dick. The only people who were doing good were the Native Americans and you didn't hear about them for a long time because you didn't hear about them until white people found them. And woe was the day when white people found Native Americans. Because those poor people were having such a good time. All right? And then white people showed up.

And we suck at it. Yeah. We suck at having a good time. We could do anything right. Well, giving a whole, I mean, well, we won't talk about it. Well, we suck at good times and original ideas except for vaudeville. That was ours. Vaudeville.

We did it. And the bomb and more. I want to say pizza. We did pizza. Vaudeville, pizza. We did the blooming onion. Mmm, God, I love a blooming onion. I did actually have this, I did have this argument with my girlfriend one day and said, like,

no, white people have done great shit. She's like, name them. I'm like, well, pizza. Pizza. Yeah. Again, vaudeville. Vaudeville. Cars.

Yeah. Yeah, cars. We made cars into a hobby. Yeah. You know, we did that, you know. The printing press? Silicon Valley's mostly white people. Yeah.

You know? You got, um... Hats. Hats that were popular with white people. Those roller coasters that are just dead drops. Sure. Yeah. You know?

Those are good ones. We did, we probably did that. So I don't know if we got the funnel cakes. You don't think so? I think gypsies. Ah, yeah. The funnel cakes. Cheese.

Oh, yeah. We'll take cheese. Yeah. Fetted rotten shark that you fucking bury in a hole and eat six months later. I'm actually going to give that to the Asians. We... All right. What do you got to choose?

If you have to choose one of these, you got the... Do we have any more from the Bible man? Nope. That's all we got. That's all the Bible has to offer us. We got the zeitgeist. You got David Eich. And we got the third theory here.

Which one do you think is the most accurate and the most true? Oh, the zeitgeist one is definitely the most true. I honestly think that every single mythical story that exists comes from humans' original fascination with the sky and our visible god, the sun. And that everything else just kind of comes from eating mushrooms and smoking weed. Yeah. Play and make believe. And our brains not being hooked up correctly for the first, I don't know, 20,000 years

that we were alive. Exactly. Because our consciousness was so... We were more hive-mined. I do believe that we were coming up, we were psychic. And Neanderthals could speak with each other mentally because the same way animals do in terms of like using physical gestures and very subtle and smells. Body language.

Yes. And that things were very different. Our consciousness was different. So there aren't even talking about it. The Greeks thought the ocean was red. They saw colors differently. You know? It's like what they used to...

The way that all those original statues were decorated were crazy colors and they were never white. So it was like humans had a very different concept of the world and it took a long time before us to get to this very boring, shitty way that we look at it now. Yeah. We used to hallucinate on a daily basis. Just all on our own. Yeah.

And now we got a fucking... I got a fucking good... Called Sly Dave over and he's got to hang out for 20 minutes and he's sitting there telling me about his fucking jam band and he's got a new sound hookup for his fucking television and I'm just like, just drop your mushrooms and get out of here Sly Dave because I got shit to do. So I got to take these mushrooms and go see 2001 at Nighthawk. All right everybody, that's the show.

That's Marcus and I'm Ben. Thank you for clarifying all that we ever needed to know about the Christmas myth. Happy winter solstice. I hope that you enjoy your fetted ham. Please smoke. What is a fetted ham? And smoke your holly ram. That's what I'm going to call the weed that you should smoke on Christmas.

Holly ram. Holly ram. Holly ram. Holly ram. Please fucking steal drum. All right. I guess magustylations. Magustylations.

Magustylations. I'll gain. Thank you.