Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 599: The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The Middle Ages

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

Back by popular demand! The boys return to the dark history of Christian Saints, this time featuring some of the most metal magical martyrs of The Middle Ages...Saint Homobonus, Saint Margaret, and Saint Joseph of Cupertino Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes and get exclusive access to bonus content.

Do you want to listen to last podcast on the left without ads? Do you want extra content? Do you want to see what it's like behind the scenes? Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started.

What was that? You know who should be a saint? Who? The guy who invented shoe inserts. Dr. Scholl? Saint Scholl. Saint. Of the very limited- Saint Dr. Scholl.

No, I'm telling you it would be Dr. St. Scholl He did not go to 15 years of uncomfortable foot school to be Mr. St. Scholl and he's one of the very few Jewish saints You're only saying this because we're currently in New York and we're walking a lot right now, aren't you? My back really hurts. My back hurts, my penis hurts. But I think that's because of my jeans. Yeah, or it's because you yank it so much when you're away from your wife. My wife just got back.

And so I can retire old gripper. But then it's 36 hours. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the gripping Henry Zabrowski. Not gripping as much anymore because I'm back at the married life. Very nice. And I'm here with Ed Larson who I assume has not been gripping since we arrived in New York City. I've been flopping. It's actually

a problem. He needs to go to a doctor. He needs to get his new penis bone inserted. And today we're going to be expanding upon the world of the Catholic Saints By popular demand we're seriously this whole story that was just in the Met for like I went through and I did not understand How much? Saint merch would be at the Met. Yeah Yeah, it's all cuz like I guess because the last time I went I was we were in the middle doing all this research And now I went and I was like the whole room of reliquaries where you go and you really just see just how It's like how do you put it? It literally is merch. Yeah, like it's it's it's fun and fanfare

Yeah, they wouldn't paint fucking normal people You got to be a saint to get painted unless you had the money and then you could pay to be painted Yeah, but that didn't happen to later on I got and then I got the impression that a lot of times you didn't even look Like the person that they painted many times impressionist. Thank you Mean Jimmy Fallon So in our last installment on the Saints we covered the role that they played in the development of early Christianity during and immediately after the largest instances of Christian persecutions perpetrated by the Romans We went up until like 400 AD or so

There's some good words here. I like Persecutions and perpetrated together. Yeah Marcus has plenty of $10 words These are more $7 words. I get I save the $10 words for the pros. I need you to do more couple later I probably won't know I really hope that you do some Cormac McCarthy like the blood it drives the moon It stares the boy

He sucks The girl in my car across state lines Today however We're gonna explore how the Saints of the Middle Ages played a huge role in the establishment of Christianity as the religion of choice for much of the Western world. Good for them! Yeah!

In addition to how they helped the establishment of power structures that lasted for centuries in Europe and how much of it involved corpses and murders. Yay! That's the best part! Lot of corpses! It almost is a feature that you have to die to be super for God Yeah, well Catholicism is very metal. It's very intense. It's very morbid. It's very death heavy Well, they want your blood they want your come they want your shit. They want to eat it

Catholics are fucked. I thought a picture of myself the other day in the stations of the cross plain. It's just me holding a spear of Jesus. I was like, oh yeah. I'm gonna cast myself. Ha ha ha ha. Now before we get into the nitty gritty, it might be helpful to talk a bit about how saints are chosen and ratified, as it were.

This is a process called canonization. These days, there are two lanes by which one can become a saint, martyr or non-martyr. If you died a martyr, meaning you were voluntarily killed because you didn't waver in your faith in Christianity, then only one miracle needs to be attached to you, either during life or after death. Yeah, as long as we got your body and your soul, like you gave that up for us, we only need one. Yeah, only one now an after-death miracle is that like stories that people told about the person no that people would say

We'll get more into it later But basically as people say I prayed to this person and now I'm healed therefore it is a miracle Yeah, it can turn your your flopper into a grower Pray at a picture of Mother Teresa. And by pray I mean Paul on your penis. I've been praying to St. Cawker. Oh, Joe. The miracle part is why all those other Christians who died alongside the saints we talked about

last episode didn't get canonized. Ed, I think you brought up that point. Why did Christopher get canonized when all the I think you brought up that point. Why did Christopher get canonized when all the people who were killed around him got killed? You can't just die for Christianity. God has to choose you for reasons that are never given. You know, it's something you file under moves in mysterious ways. Yeah, which is a great file because it covers everything. Anything. Martyrs, however, began to run out as Christianity became a

more dominant world religion and when Christianity became a dominant world religion a person was more likely to be killed for not being a Christian than they were for being a Christian. Yeah, flips to the other side because it's not as cool to die for Christ if everybody's dying for Christ. Yeah. Yeah. So to allow for the creation of more saints and therefore more bonus content for the Catholic Church, the Church had to widen the net. They figured that if a person was simply a model Catholic and a virtuous person, a good example as it were,

they could be canonized if two miracles could be attributed to them in life or after death. As far as how the after-death stuff works, we'll get into that later. But this expansion of sainthood begs the question as to who decides who gets to be a saint. See, back when it was all Reprobrises and Elmos and Blandinas. Blandina! Blandina, quit pulling your tits out of the store! Did you drink all the lemonade again?

Blandina, you're sucking all the milk and you're leaving your mouth rings on the edges of the box! This crystal light tastes like piss. Oh, it's piss. It's piss. Well, back then, saints were chosen mostly by local chapters, isolated groups of Christian cultists, and this freedom to choose enabled Christianity to take root in hundreds of places across Europe. The way I kind of put it is that it changed from the way last podcast and left grew from a grassroots, everybody telling each other about it,

we won the People's Choice Award at the Webbies, right? That was our folk canonization by the internet people of the time, which is still, we love our Webbie every day. It's in my office. I think about the Webbie and I I miss that magical night that one night We got to be at the Webby's. Yeah, Joe and Joe McHale mispronounced my name and made fun of me. Oh, yeah It was great. I love it. Miss pronounced Marcus Park. He called him Mark. He called me Mark Parks and said that's a stupid name Yeah, he's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit

Why would you do that? I don't know but you see that was how things used to get chosen It was always about the public they were building up these ideas and that Helped Christianity for a while because it showed look that love in our shit. Yeah, we're gonna make them as saying we're gonna We're gonna use the popularity index and we're gonna make them a saint But then it would switch to the smart less brand Yeah of internet right where now you have a bunch of celebrities, and then like, you know, the Meghan Markles, the Kelsey Brothers of the world,

where what they do is they package their famous podcast and then just give it to you, and then you suck it up like a bunch of dogs and pigs. And that's the difference of when they took over canonization. Fucking Christ. Now, do saints have to be after Christ? Why is it Noah or Moses the same you have to be a saint after because it's Christianity it has to be Christian Yeah, and no it didn't die for it Martin Noah wasn't a martyr. You couldn't technically miracles

I don't know but that was most he was on my god. He was different and he was a wizard. Yeah But that was mostly done by God. He was different and he was a wizard. Yeah Don't worry magic plays a lot of a big role in all of this But by the second half of the Middle Ages The Catholic Church decided that canonization needed to be centralized within the upper echelons of the church Both in who was chosen to be a saint and the process by which it was done. This had two effects. First, the Church could make sure that the people didn't inject any ideas or philosophies into the Catholic doctrine that ran contrary to the Church's agenda. They got to hold on to canon, right?

Like that's the thing. That's where canon comes from. When we worked for DC, when they showed up and we wanted to maybe use Superman for a thing, you're like, oh, you want to use Superman? Here's the four inch book of rules that you have to follow maybe use Superman for a thing, you're like, oh, you want to use Superman? Here's the four inch book of rules that you have to follow to use Superman. Same. Second, it gave the church the ability

to carefully tailor new saints to make sure they were continually relevant. Like we talked about last week, the latest saint, the first millennial saint, Carlo Acutus, they call him God's Influencer. So they're trying to find some way to stay relevant in the 21st century. Does God's Influencer also sell Casper mattresses? Like, does it work like that?

Is he out there selling, like, I'm trying to think, blue-chew? Well, as our head researcher Joel put it, the tailoring of Saints to keep up with the times is sort of how Marvel and DC reboot superhero storylines every few years to attract new audiences, but they still make sure to keep just enough of the original concepts in place so as to not freak out the older fans. Think of it like the first Into the Spider-Verse movie. You remember that movie, right? I loved it.

Fantastic movie. I mean, you can have a black Spider-Man as the main character, but you still have to have white Spider-man there right alongside right next to a white spider-man Happen to be white yeah, yeah, check was white. Yeah, was it I didn't notice one Jewish one And I feel like that's an issue And if you throw an obscure fan favorite like spider-ham into the mix along with a couple of little Easter eggs so people can feel special Oh, I know that that's a reference to Spider-Man number 52. Then you got a hit. Did they do this Spider-Man green armor one?

That was my favorite Spider-Man. Spider-Man green armor? When he had green armor. I have no idea what you're talking about. This is a real 90's Spider-Man. Yeah, this is my hologram cover spider-man Spectacular spider-man very good. It was green emeralds Think that might have just been the color of the cover and isn't the amazing spider-man. It's the amazing Spectacular and then there's just regular spider-man the pedophile spider-man Kids look like haunted houses. Catholicism's... That's the spookiest child I've ever seen.

Don't talk like that about him, he's traumatized. Catholicism used to be the saints, especially in the Middle Ages. It worked much the same way. It introduced new characters while keeping just enough of the original magic so people don't react badly when something they hold so dearly changes just a little bit. And the more you drag them along, the more you have, to use super dumb advertising terms, a sticky customer. The more you get them to include the DLC of it, the more they're willing, they're showing their willingness to be involved in the religion.

Yep. Now for this episode, our source is far more academic than the first one and far more occult. This time we have Saints of the Later Middle Ages by André Valchese, which is recommended only to the most dedicated hagiographers due to how extremely dense it is. I tried. And I've read Dianetics. Yeah. Yeah.

It's very difficult. It's very academic. There's no reason to read it. Nevertheless, our team was still able to glean a fascinating narrative from these pages, along with a ton of other sources all over the internet, which often contradict each other wildly, as could be expected.

Now as- So remember that. When we're talking about religious figures, everybody's got a different set of, let's use the word, opinions about these things. So just remember, it's part of what we're doing here. Yeah, it's a different set of opinions, it's a different set of interpretations, a different set of fucking everything. The stories can wildly change from webpage to webpage, book to book, how they became saints, what they were like

in life. Like, there's no consensus on hardly anything. It's almost like the details... The Bible changes. Yes, it does. It's almost like the details were made up in the first place and they don't really matter. Yeah. Life from your grave.

Now, as we said earlier, aside from the Virgin Mary, John the Baptist, and the Apostles, only martyrs were up for sainthood in the early days of Christianity. And before you ask about John the Baptist... he was killed because King Herod's second wife just didn't like him because he was being very sanctimonious about Herod divorcing his first wife to marry her, and so she tricked her husband into beheading John the Baptist after his stepdaughter made him horny with a sexy dance at his birthday party. And because he was so horny and pleased with his stepdaughter,

he told her that he'd give her anything she wished. And so she went to her mother and said, "'Mother, what should I wish for?' And her mother said, "'Wish for the head of John the Baptist on a platter.' And so he asked for the head of John the Baptist on a platter after her mother told her to. And that's a bit of a simplification,

but really it's not that much of a simplification. What the fuck is so it's like the real housewives of Constantinople Definitely a couple C's back in the dictionary You can hold down Alice Cooper, yeah He was King Herod. Yeah King Herod Alice Cooper was King Herod. Yeah What are you talking about? Oh, the great Jesus Christ, oh, Miss Wonderful. Jesus Christ superstar.

Oh, if you can show me yours, so divine, can you turn this water into wine? Now the martyrdom aspect of sainthood set forth a sort of perpetual motion because the more Christians the Romans killed, the more it strengthened the faith of other Christians who inspired other people to become Christians who were also then killed. And this cycle continued until Christianity became the dominant religion. It's kind of an interesting feature. You realize it really is. It's like you set up a bunch of like parameters.

If you want to be a number one Catholic, you've got to die miserably To be one and then other people see it happen and they don't realize once you're dead You're not gonna fucking know if you're saying or not and that they think oh good. I'll get to go to heaven I guess I get box seats. No, you get to skip the line. You don't have to wait for the day judgment like that one Oh, right. That's right. Yeah No, because isn't that actual the theology? Yeah, that's the actual theology. Is that you hang, you'll never see heaven. But I thought that Jesus opened heaven.

I thought that wasn't the idea, is that Jesus opened heaven- St. Peter's sitting up there judging fuckers. He's just the fucking, he's the bouncer. Yeah, I mean, it's, for me, the whole day of judgment thing, like it seemed, it's definitely up to interpretation because some people do believe

that it will that we will never get into heaven until the day of judgments that that's why people are pushing for the day of judgment because we're all just people just hanging out in the queue yeah people are just hanging out people are just you know like and what Jesus do he died for our sins and made it possible for it's kind of like you know how miracles it's like that but yeah after it's like when a restaurant calls us and like allows us to have reservations. Exactly what you're talking about. You have an opportunity to spend money with Supreme this afternoon. Yeah.

Now when the persecution of Christians ended in the early 4th century, the worship of martyrs became a massive part of the religion and the process of exhuming the corpses of saints to transfer them to places where they could be easily and safely worshiped began. This practice also increased the power of local bishops, who were responsible for the worship and celebration of their local saint. These bishops gained further renown for compiling and distributing histories of their saints throughout the Christian world. These are the so-called hagiographies. This created a large number of martyr cults, which you'd think would run afoul of the Ten Commandments, but it was found that martyr cults were more successful at converting European pagans,

who had no frame of reference for a more ethereal Middle Eastern religion like Christianity. Isn't it? I find that fascinating in a way. Where like it really was, I don't know, on some level they must have known what they were doing. Where they knew that this style of like, we'll let them start their little grassroots churches on their own. Like we'll let them do it. And because what it's doing is it's flipping people without them having to do anything. And they know it.

They could just sit back and take the new people. Well, it changed throughout the centuries, like especially when the missionaries came to America and tried starting to convert like the indigenous people because the indigenous people would say like, oh, you got a God? Cool, we'll just fold them into the rest of them. Yeah, pull them in line, yeah. We'll just put them in.

But then the Catholics got particularly pissed off and was like, no, no, no, you can't fold them in to the rest of your guys You're like one guy here man. I just fucking I just got you but you just showed up you got I'm barely wearing anything And of course it varied from tribe to tribe, but you know that was overall what happened again and again Also these small town bishops, you know, like it's they didn't have the internet. They didn't have phones You know, so they were kind of like they were going crazy. They were doing weird shit, just making up the religion as they went. That's awesome. That's gotta be fun.

Yeah, oh, it's gotta be extremely fun to make up all your own shit. And then see if it sticks. But martyr cults, they focused on the relics of the saints, amulets, talismans, clothes and bones, which could actually be seen and prayed to. So while European pagans couldn't really wrap their heads around the ephemeral concept of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Most people can! Yeah! They could understand that if they worshiped a thing they could see like a necklace or a skull, then they could expect something in return. In

other words, they could understand magic. But that also puts us on the slippery, hardcore slope towards idolatry Yes, which is gonna make everybody super but hurt. Mm-hmm Now as far as how these magical powers are defined Christian dogma said that saints were compensated for their merits and sufferings with a reward of a mystical power called vertus Is strange you just get a power you get get powers, but it's completely passive. Yeah. Vertis is only awarded after the saint's death, and it's contained within the bodily remains of the saints. Think of it like radioactivity, but good.

Yeah, but holy. Yeah. Now because a saint's corpse was imbued with vertus, that meant that it was not supposed to fall prey to the same inconveniences of decomposition as any old cadaver left in the street. Instead, it was said that the corpse of a saint would still feel as soft as they had when they were alive. Hmm, soft as a saint. That's how I like my toilet paper.

That made it appear as if the saint was just sleeping. It was even said that even after burial, a saint's body would not decompose, and it was often claimed that if a saint's corpse was exhumed years after it was buried, it would still appear as if it was freshly dead. And that seems to be a main point of a lot of canonization, is the idea of like, he ain't green! Like, he ain't bald! But were they digging them up at all?

Oh yeah! And they were staying? Well according to legend. Green. Mm-hmm. Like yeah, it's the aim ball. But they digging them up at all. Yo, yeah Yeah, and they were staying well according to legend Yeah, they were they were hacking up parts of them though, but at that point they were just hacking off parts But the unintended consequence of this is that if anyone found a corpse that appeared as if it had not Decomposed to the expected level then the person whom that corpse belonged to had a chance of being worshiped as a saint Even if they hadn't been the greatest person when they were alive Well by the rules God must know something about this guy that everyone who knew him when he was alive didn't So stories would be created in histories would be rewritten just because Jimmy the shithead had died or have been buried in a place

Where his body was more likely to avoid decomposition? Well look at we saw the marsh people right in the swamp guys like all the flat people like if you're if you're Buried in a specific conditions mud mud you could be mummified You that can look like you're a saint if you're buried in specific dry conditions You could look mummified you could literally dry out specific cold conditions You could just turn into essentially you just kind of dry like a jerky or you freeze. Yeah. Yeah, so that is you know It's very difficult you go find you can dig up a lot of guys in the in the fjords and find out that they're all You know accidental saints. I love st. Encino man

One of my favorites I love because nothing like the historically religious touch of the weasel He's an apostle Oh, because nothing like the historically religious touch of the weasel. He's an apostle. It was also said that vertus could manifest itself in how the corpse smelled. This is interesting. Yeah. A saint was supposed to have a particularly strong distinctive and pleasant scent. It was supposed to smell. Yeah. The stains are smelly. Yeah, it was supposed to be present both in life and in death. A smell that was called the odor of sanctity.

Yeah, I think I smelled the odor of sanctity earlier today in my Uber on the way to the show. I certainly smelled it in the 33rd Street Station last night. Yeah, oh, it's a very, what a holy subway station this must be. It's quite the stale sanctity. Now this smell was usually faked with a shitload of garlic if the saint was already dead. Is that why so many saints are Italian? That's racist. But if they were alive and considered to be a person already on their way to sainthood,

there is a possible scientific explanation for the so-called odor of sanctity. See as we said earlier, many of the medieval saints were not martyrs. Often they would create their own suffering through vows of poverty or by intentionally torturing themselves by putting stones in their shoes or wearing extremely uncomfortable hair shirts. Like jerk-offs. Yeah, no. They're all jerk-offs.

Because this is like, how does this make you extra holy? You're doing this to yourself. Yeah, but well, because you're going through the pain of Jesus Christ and you're just living a miserable life. No one asks you, bro. So all saints are cutters. Yeah, a lot of them are. A lot of them, yeah.

They all could look like grimes. Tumblr girls just like with messed up mascara. Most commonly though, saints would fast, meaning they would starve themselves. Starvation calls ketosis in humans, which can produce the distinct odor of acetone. Now, acetone does not have a conventionally pleasant scent, but it is a smell that was probably conjured in your memory the second I mentioned it. In other words, it's very distinctive, and it's likely that acetoneone or nail polish remover as it's used today is the odor of sanctity You know I was looking the I was looking up

Why is garlic used because a lot of times they talk a lot about the power of the smell of garlic and how it's Holy it can heal you we know now that garlic does have actual like healing properties or whatever and I think but I was like trying to find out because it was also one of the As I believe is heck tot a is that how you pronounce it probably the goddess the goddess the witch yes Which got a hickata hickata? Yeah? Oh, I love a cold hickata in a summer day They sacrifice garlic to herd it's been around for a long time and I was really looking up like why garlic? Why does it turn against vampires? And it's legitimately

it seems it's just because it smells like that. And when they first found it and they cracked it open they were like, whoa! What's that? And it makes me kind of feel weird. And they're like, must be salt and magic, and then they just stuck like that forever great Now every part of a Saints corpse was supposed to be imbued with vertus and that included their bodily secretions Blood and even soil stained with all the horrible things that leak from our bodies after we die was collected and mixed with oils that Were believed to be full of supernatural powers and mixed with oils that were believed to be full of supernatural powers. Peasants would scrape up soil that a saint's corpse

had touched and mix it into their water. And the water used to wash the saint's corpse was collected and sold for a tidy sum. But if you wanted a discount magic potion, you could buy water that had been poured through a saint's tomb. And that was discounted because it only had trace amounts of vertus.

Did this kill people probably? Yeah, I mean people say yeah easily right likely everyone shits when they die They said a lot of times so one of the ways they could tell you're about to be magically healed is that you spend a long Time getting being more sick than you've ever been. Yeah. Yeah, you would go through a night of night sweats Yeah, yeah Now because yeah now because there was so much magic and therefore so much obvious profit from having even a piece of a saint's Corpse in your town Christians would often voraciously Dismember the corpse of a holy person as soon as they died

Peters the other day and I remember they have one. It's a Carol O'Connor, what's his name? The guy, the big cardinal that everybody likes? The guy that was there? Carol O'Connor? He's from, he's there from the show. Archie Bunker? He's Archie Bunker. There's somebody else, some Irish guy. But I just kept thinking how fun it would be if you just put out that fat bastard's corpse in a big box

and we just go up there with ice picks and just cut little pieces off of them. And that's what New York got to do For a Wednesday. Yeah Organs were removed and stored in urns while the rest of the corpse was placed in a temporary Reliquary until a proper tomb basically a tourist attraction could be built and they're nice I look really nice all these reliquaries. I looked at a very reliquary is the thing that the Saints the the reliquary I got wrong last. Yeah. Yeah, the reliquary is the thing that the saints... the reliquary... That's what I got wrong last time. Yeah, the reliquary is the thing that the saints' remains are contained within, and the tomb or the church is what contains the reliquary.

Like, I saw one that was very, very ornate. It was like this trifolding thing in the center of it. It was a reliquary that contained Mary Magdalene's tooth, and in it was this thing that didn't look like a tooth, but it looks like a shard of something ancient and very center of it and the other one I saw was awesome where they put a skull in it and then a dude skull inside of it for forever until eventually Someone came and knocked the hole in the back of thing and took the skull out of it to go bring it other places Because that's what they would do that because that's how you took it Essentially you just have to steal it like the old version of stealing your God You probably did it in ashtray. Yeah. Yeah, and we're gonna get into that later like all the different thefts

Oh, yeah, once the tomb was ready monks would boil the Saints bodies until only bones were left After the broth thing I was talking about earlier. We'll get into this later After which they would be enshrined in a reliquary, a container for holy relics, while the head was separated and displayed as a protective talisman for the town. But if the original saint in the town's tomb wasn't drawn the crowds it once did, and a newer, more popular saint came along, then the old saint would be moved to a shittier tomb in a smaller town to make way for the new flavor. In a way, these were like reboots for the tomb.

Same familiar location and concept, new storyline. It's always been this way. Yeah. You're just, one minute you're in, the next week you're out. It's just so crazy because like they would put up heads to like scare people, but then they'd also put up heads to like worship and protect people. Humans are one of the most complicated primates that you see outside of the zoo, my friends. I think the lesson here is that in the Middle Ages people were very comfortable with dismembered heads.

Yeah, these got to these little words. They saw them a lot. Yeah. Well, the bones and relics of the saints would also be locally traded between communities based on who was most in need of saintly vertus. This, of course, led to a large number of arguments and feuds as well as physical skirmishes and all out espionage. For example, in the year 866, a group of monks from one Abbey were jealous of the popularity and profitability

that another Abbey was enjoying because they held the bones of Saint Faith. Saint Faith was an OG saint who was cooked to death over a red-hot brugere by the Romans when she was 12 years old for refusing to make pagan sacrifices. And Saint Faith was the actual patron saint of slow cookers. Also known as Saint Foe. Saint Foe. Nowhae was a very popular saint, so the monks at the Covetous Abbey sent a guy undercover to Saint Phae's original abbey on a long con so they could be the ones in charge of the bones of a tween girl.

Hello yes, let us in. We're a bunch of wet naked girls. What we need is some shelter because our breasts are heaving and shuddering. The Trojan horse. Well after spending a decade ingratiating himself with the abbey. That's real fucking spies. They had more time back then. The undercover monk spirited away the bones of Saint Faith late one night, setting off a protracted rivalry between the two abbeys that involved legal battles and the occasional fist fight.

He was never a sexy girl! He was never a sexy girl, he lied! And all the times I made fuck to it. fuck to it. Well, in the end, the monks who stole the bones kept them at their reliquary, where they're still occasionally on display today. Incidents like the thievery of St. Faith's bones happen so often, there's actually a phrase for it, Furtim Sacrum, or holy robbery. Furtim Sacrum means stealing the little girl's bones. I actually saw a couple of Furtum Sanctums

on the way to Union Square this morning out there. People looking good, people working out, a lot of walking. Now towns and abbeys weren't just attached to their relics because of what they stood to gain from tourism. Remember, these people truly believed in this stuff, and in the end, the most important resource of a saint relic was the Virtus, because it was the Virtus that produced miracles.

But the Virtus is also what drove the economic part of it. And like we talked about the last episode, where there were towns built around these, like tourist areas built around these areas. The Virtus was another, I feel like there was always people that were true believers and people that were very cynical about what was going on Sure, and I do think I just sold the rosary beads Yes, and the guys they would manipulate the true believers into handling the bad shit I feel like they're the ones there cleaning the reliquary doing all the dumb shit They're the guys who show up and collect all the money at the end of the day and they're the ones who

notice because why would Saints go in and out of favor if they didn't like in one way probably don't have the same juice no there's probably less people get more vertus they're saying oh you know my blind aunt went to st. Bing Bong and she she got she's not blind anymore right right? Cool, whatever. But then I went there and I'm still got a three inch dick. You know what I mean? Like, it's that thing where you're like, then maybe they're moving on to another saint. And so then they're watching it from the outside in a cynical way, knowing that the vertus means money. Yeah. Yeah. Because vertus is what produces miracles. Vertus is the juice that produces

the miracle. And this is why people still to this day take pilgrimages to pray at the tombs of saints, because they believe that the vertus can directly and concretely answer their prayers, which are usually associated with curing a disease or healing an injury. It's said that a pilgrim has to spend anywhere between nine days and three weeks before a saint will deem them worthy of attention.

But when it does happen, it is said that bones and nerves can be heard cracking and popping back into place. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH over a long night. And this is why people will flock to a fucking stain that looks like the Virgin Mary, because they think, oh, it's got vertis. If I hang in front of it, so you have to hang with it like our old timey weed dealers? Yeah, man. You have to go hang out and just be like a comedy booker and put FaceTime in? Yeah, man. At least nine days. It's not like where you have to fucking go over to the guy's house and watch two episodes

of weeds before you're allowed To leave why do I think it's actually more straightforward? Just pay for it Yeah, instead of hanging out just pay for it well eventually it did get to that and that was Why we have Protestantism people hung out with like Virgin Mary toast for nine days, right? This isn't working This host is not funny and the more I look at it, that's a blob. This is a toast to malfunction. I don't believe in God anymore. But around the 13th century, people were reporting that they were receiving miracles from saints without being near a tomb or a relic. These people said they had been healed simply by praying to drawn or painted depictions

of saints. This opened up a whole new line of merch for Christianity, prayer cards, which are still sold to this day. Oh, my grandmother, the entire wall was prayer cards. Every funeral they give you one. They like pick a saint for you and they give you one. You put your name on the back and all of a sudden that's your saying yeah, that shit ain't free But isn't that interesting that they like it's another you know this is where the history of religion

I find it because it's in a way. It's a business, and it's not so like they let the audience tell them What they'll buy yeah, so they were like oh you want this shit We know a lot of painters, you know, oh man, I went to a Store outside the Vatican and it's just like holy water. It's like come on You telling me that the Pope came by blessed this fucking there you go. Hey, make sure I get 10% Wave your arms in the store, but it's blessed. Yeah Bless sparrows Zero like that's easy. that's going to be awesome as Pope. Now right around the turn of the 12th century, the church declared that no saint could be canonized

without papal authorization, because it became clear to the church that they needed to guide the future of their religion so it wouldn't become muddled and or infused with ideas they considered dangerous. But even though this decree came from the Pope himself, people still worship their local saints for centuries, some of whom still aren't canonized to this day. The best example of this kind of so-called folk saint is a woman named Vilgefortes, whose legend arose in Portugal in the 14th century. According to the story, Vilgefortes was a

teenager who'd been betrothed to a Moorish king. She wanted nothing to do with the marriage, so she took a vow of virginity and prayed to God to make her ugly somehow. Make me ugly. Which is so hard as a Portuguese lady. God did so by giving Vilgefortes a big bushy beard. And the Moorish king withdrew the engagement soon after. According to official court documents, he said, eww. Vilgefortis' father, however, was so incensed that his daughter had done such a thing that he had her publicly crucified.

He wasn't confused! He wasn't like, honestly though, if you, like, I think that's gotta be at least conflicting, where you're like, you know, I'm mad that you messed this up with the family, but it's crazy that you have a beard now, right? It's not just like, that means it works! That means that we can pray to him for other shit! Now if you have your daughter crucified, do you have to pay for it? According to tradition, yes. Normally the father of the crucified has to pay for it. No, per the rules, Vilgefortis meets the criteria of a saint, a martyr with one miracle. Although the martyr part is debatable. Yeah, because it wasn't necessarily for God. It was because she didn't want to marry the guy, but God helped her. Yeah, but I think the reason behind the church's refusal

to canonize Vilgefortis and why her veneration was eventually actively suppressed was because Vilgefortis was a rebellious woman who disobeyed her father and rebelled against the idea that a woman is a thing to be traded. And God, by giving her a a beard was on her side. It's true. It's God chose. God said, all right, I'll make you ugly. Yeah. Yeah. God said, yeah, you're right. You shouldn't have to marry this guy. You shouldn't be treated like property.

But if he was a real man, he'd shave that beard and he'd kiss you anyway, because it's what's underneath that counts. It comes down to that's why I had to shave my beard because you got to show you got to be reveal. You have to reveal to your wife. St. Gillette. Well, in addition, Vilgefortis was and sometimes still is called upon by women who want to escape abusive husbands. And we all know that the Catholic Church

is of the firm opinion that you should stay with your spouse until you die, no matter how miserable or abused you might be. It's almost the point. It's almost like you should then definitely stay because that's your trial. Congratulations. Yeah, you get to become closer to sainthood

because you have all these examples of all these people who suffered for Christ and suffering brings you less suffering, brought the saint closer to Christ. So too, can you be brought closer to Christ by staying in a horrible marriage now? So can you ask for forgiveness if you murder your husband? Yeah, yeah, always don't get divorced just kill him exactly And put all your reasons on the bullet casings because it's fun as hell for everybody Now, another change the Church made when they were rewriting the rules of sainthood was

to even further loosen up who could be considered a saint. Reacting to outside pressures, the church offered up a new kind of saint who could be canonized simply for being an extremely virtuous human being. Is it just because the towel pool was thinning? Yeah. They just needed more time. It was also- How do we expand again?

No, it was also because the people were asking for it. The people were like, hey, there's this guy. He's fucking amazing. We love this guy. Make him a saint. Why? Come on, make him a saint. Why not?

Do we know how many saints there are? That's a great question, Eddie. It's more than 10,000. It was an editing joke for you. You don't know because it was an editing joke. But now they do. Well, the man who inspired this change, whose horrible name is right up there with Reprobus,

was an extremely popular Italian tailor named Homo Bonus. Oh yeah, Homo Bonus. Extra K. Yeah, dude. I got two butts. It's great. That's great for him. I mean, how is it?

I can't imagine how it's pronounced in Italian like, HOMOBONUS! I think it might be HOMOBONUS. HOMOBONUS. HOMOBONUS. You just said it faster. Yeah, that's always how you get through everything. That's how I do it.

HOMOBONUS. HOMOBONUS. Well, HOMOBONUS was an honest merchant. It's horrible any way you say it. HOMOBONUS. Yeah. He was an honest merchant who gave most of his money to the poor, and because he was so popular, he became Saint H Homobonus after his death.

It's so hard when you smell it. There's no dash in there. We didn't write his name. It is impossible not to address Homobonus. Homo-bonus! Just change it. Homo-bonus! Homo-bonus! Homo-bonus! Saint Homo-bonus, after his death, became patron saint of tailors, shoemakers, and businessmen. Fashion! Yeah.

Now, not stopping there, the church also formalized the process of making a recently dead person a saint, which included interrogating witnesses about miracles and interviewing people who knew them to make sure they were as virtuous as the petitioner said, which included an investigation. And think about what you're willing to say when a guy from the Vatican shows up and he's asking all these questions. And you are, if you're talking to somebody from the Vatican and you're not in trouble, you are like, you're obviously a super fan, right? You're there to talk to them about it.

They're going to ask you pointed questions about your homo bonus friend, right? They're gonna say what what did he do? What were his miracles and you're gonna want to make that guy happy Yeah, I think you're gonna want to tell that guy exactly what he wants to hear and more and they're gonna go like wow Yeah magic getting jealous though, like your buddy dies and he sucks, you know Vatican shows up and I tell us you, is Jerry say we're like fucking Jerry How'd you get that? All right, I've been doing these fucking zoom saint auditions Four years. Well, if it was said that a Satan waiting had miraculously healed a person a church official would be sent out to see if the healed person had remained clear of the malady from which they had been cured, because it was only a miracle if a person was permanently healed.

In other words, you had to pass the sniff test, and you had to pass it thoroughly, and one saint who was thoroughly sniffed was Claire of Montefalco. While she was alive, St. Claire was supposedly capable of what we would call astral projection, in which she would fall into a deep religious trance and leave her body to join in loving union with the soul of God. Yeah I did that too man. It's called mushrooms man. Yeah bro. Yeah bro. Yeah. Fucking sticky leaf dude. That's all you need man patron saint of mescaline. Yeah, she's just getting Fucked by God super fuck that no I mean seriously she going up

There's that what she means by communion with the holy loving union with the whole and with the soul of God does sound like doggy style Well according to witnesses her face It's been a hard week Two days ago. I lost a good friend out in the open. I can't believe he's gone I've been missing him ever since I thought I just I've not been right According to witnesses, her face would brightly glow during these trances, and people would poke her body to get her to stir and would even try moving her, but St. Claire's physical form was solid as a rock when her soul was visiting God.

Once Claire died, though, the clergy cut open her corpse as they usually did with people who were already on their way to sainthood. But this time, to check a claim Claire had made in which she felt as if her physical heart contained a physical cross, they opened up the organ. Whoa! Supposedly, located in the chambers of her heart, they found a tiny crucifix. Awww! A tiny crown of thorns.

Cute! And a tiny whip You know that you you know you do the self-flagellation are they sure the cross was an IUD Get all the way up into our heart it sometimes you honor to hurt of her horse ride Little cross in the uterus protecting my wife from my semen. But the power of Christ! By the power of Christ I compel you, come. Well figuring if one organ was holy, maybe others would be as well, they opened up her

gallbladder and found three gallstones which they took to represent the Holy Trinity. She was sick! Hey listen, I know this is sounding crazy, right? You cut her boobies off so I could play with them? Listen, I just want to see what it's like, okay? I've never just played with boobies without a woman next to me. And so, Clare of Montefalco became St. Clare. Now besides just the control issue,

another problem the Catholic Church had with the populism model of sainthood was that there were a lot of people who were locally worshiped as saints who didn't really have a reputation outside of their own village. In addition, many of these populist saints were usually just well-loved local Christians who'd been killed or murdered in horrible ways, but hadn't necessarily been martyred. This is just so many people just saying, I'm sorry you got diced up to death Yeah after death and it's like man, they're dead. They don't know. Yeah, you didn't get killed in London You got killed in some little Shire and so no one gives a shit. Yeah, for example, there was a ratagoon to Veldin Berg Yep, he was a farm servant eaten by wolves. Mmm, but also a good guy. Yeah, st. Ratagun. That's it

Yeah, only was yeah, just a good guy. Just a good guy. So st. Radigan. That's it. Yeah, that's all he was. Yeah, she's a good guy She's a good guy. It was panacea of corona who was murdered by her mother-in-law What'd you do bad death? That's it. Yeah bad death, but you she's a nice lady The worst the worst was a German pilgrim named non to veen who was unjustly accused of being a pedophile by a village She was just passing through it was subsequently burned alive. See that's not st. Hood I call that like a mulligan. There's a bunch of guys going like hey listen I'm sorry. We had just seen I was at the river No one with Sean Penn where they beat they be? So I was all fucking oh man I was keyed up

I'm sorry we thought that Jimmy the pedophile was out of town that week We didn't know it was just a He was there the whole time. I think they should investigate the priest that made him a saint. Hey, hey sometimes In one case from the 13th century a town in France actually canonized a dog. Yeah, st. Guinefort the Greyhound in France actually canonized a dog. Yeah. Saint Guinefort the Greyhound. Aw, that's so cute. That totally demoralizes every other meaning of the saints.

Oh, I'd much rather hang out with a bunch of dogs than saints. Yeah. Yeah, of course. But still, if you think that you're the holiest of holies and then suddenly they let a fucking dog in. Yeah, fucking super dogs there. Was it Saint Bernard? Oh. I was greyhound Well according to legend the dog had been left alone with its master's child and the dog

Protected the child and his master's absence by violently killing a snake that had slithered its way into their home fuck Yeah, but when the child's parents returned, they found the dog first, who presented himself with bloody jaws. Coming immediately to a very reactive conclusion that the dog had eaten their baby, the parents killed the dog immediately. This French always jump into conclusions. They love killing dogs. But when they heard the child, but when the parents heard the child crying probably because he was

Distressed by the noise that had been made when the parents killed the dog It's super noisy to immediately kill a dog Yeah, the parents rushed to the kids room and found the dead mangled snake nearby Hey child, have a cigarette Hey, child, have a cigarette. Hey, no, you are now, you are now up to one peck a day! The parents realized their mistake and dropped Gwinniford's body down a well, which was then covered with stones and planted with trees. It actually became an extremely popular shrine where large miracles were said to occur,

presumably because St. Guinefort was such a good boy. What happened to the parents? They took care of the shrine. Oh wow. Like they dedicated their lives to the shrine of St. Guinefort. Wow. If this other guy can crucify his daughter,

these people can kill a dog. Yeah. No. Wow, yeah. Let's hold space for them. This other guy can crucify his daughter. These guys, these people can kill a dog. Yeah Wow, yeah, let's hold space for them But the point is when dogs and farm workers started making the cut the church realized that it needed to put the people in their place both spiritually and socially. So they switched the focus of saints from regular people to nobles, royalty, and clergy, to remind everyone who God's chosen really were.

Well, when they would investigate the canonization of all of these nobles, the nobility and the clergy tended to back each other when it came to proclaiming their virtues, because it was in the interest of the ruling class to appear as if they were favored by God over the peasants in every way. And they didn't just take that as their station in life showed them that they were special. This also helped reaffirm the concept of primogeniture in royalty, where the firstborn inherits the

titles and powers of the king because God wants him to do that, no matter how horrible of a ruler a person might be. But the practice of canonizing nobility and royalty was particularly popular in France and England, although the practice of canonizing kings started off way back in the early days of Christianity as yet another tool for recruitment rather than simple subjugation. Yeah, and also just shows the rulers are now in charge. This is like us making it even more powerful. Yeah, and also just shows that the the rulers are now in charge. Yeah, this is like us making it even more Powerful like that's kind of what I mean where the dog one kind of lowers But the king ones raised the value of the other saints

Oh, yeah dog ones probably sold a lot of amulets. It did. Yes. It very much did Yeah, it was the patron saint of babies in France for centuries. Yeah, literally. Yeah made him a lot of money Yeah Well, the oldest holy king was st Sigismund the king of Burgundy in what is now France died 523 AD He strangled his own son to death then was beheaded and thrown down a well by his rival Claude Amir. He's a real saint But that's all to say that Sigismund hardly lived a noble life nor did he die a martyr's death You see it's that it's the Homer Bart meme That's all to say that Sigismund hardly lived a noble life, nor did he die a martyr's death.

But Sigismund was the first barbarian leader of the Gauls to convert to Catholicism, so it was in the Church's best interest to rewrite his history and make him a saint so a cult could form around him. That's big brain thinking. And that changes a lot of shit, because you're trying to convert these guys. Yeah. That's so much better than just killing them,

because then you get them too. Yeah. And to further tighten their grip, the Catholic Church would elevate long-dead leaders of converted regions into sainthood, rewriting their story before aggressively spreading it to prevent a backslide into paganism. You can't revert to a story that's not there anymore.

By the Middle Ages, however, Christianity had become the dominant religion in Western Europe, so this retroactive manipulation of history was no longer necessary. Instead, they had to worry about canonizing nobility in the here and now to secure their future and their power. The Catholic Church began rejecting all canonization requests from the people, and instead transformed the process of canonization into an industry of preparing nobility and clergy for sainthood while they were still alive. Basically it's like padding a college application with extracurricular activities.

Tell me, I know your GPA looks very good, but have you killed your son? That might actually help some of the numbers here we're finding if we look at some of I know your GPA looks very good, but have you killed your son? Some of the numbers here we're finding if we look at some of the cross references Can you be a dog? Can you be eaten by wolf This is like how we got like st. Edward who was a king Yeah, it was King Edward and he just like is like ah you know when I die I'm gonna be a saint everyone's like of course Then you can have a couple of people like afterwards. They're like yeah, I prayed to say no word and cured my fucking dropsy

Yeah, yeah, he was over there I was having a hard time coming up with the new mix for the yay Album and I prayed to st. Eugene next thing you know Hummada ba dum ba dum ba oh, Idum-ba-dum, I was fired!" But before long, contemporary martyrs began to reappear in the Catholic religion after the Middle Ages, when Henry VIII created the Church of England because the Pope had refused to grant him a divorce in 1534. Half a century later, the relationship between the Church of England and the Catholics had

gotten pretty acrimonious, so the Anglicans declared Catholic priests to be guilty of high treason simply for existing on British soil. Yeah, yeah, drink them up! The Anglicans ain't fucking great either! Drink them up! Get all of them! I said get all of them! Well, this is, again, I like religion when it's this openly a scam.

This is when you're like, you see how little it really matters? They're just making up the rules as they go. Yeah. In addition, those who harbored Catholics and especially Catholic priests could be fined, imprisoned, and executed. And that's how a woman named Margaret Clitherow came to become one of the many martyred saints killed by the British. She's a real clit hero.

You ever have like clit hero? It's hard on the thumb. How do you think I busted my wrist? Clit-ar-hero. In addition, those who... Clit-ar-hero. Clit-ar-hero. Yes. Those who... Cletar hero. Yes.

Yeah. Margaret probably would have never been discovered hiding priests had she not been so arrogant. Flags were raised when she loudly sent her son Henry to train for the priesthood in France. And when Margaret's husband was summoned for questioning

he folded almost immediately. Seems like Margaret's husband didn't really like her very much. Yeah, I don't know why though. It sounds like she's a lovely woman. Yeah, she seemed very, just, she seemed very, very, very, very, very, very Catholic and I think her husband really didn't give a shit. Yeah, no, he's just like, I don't care. Maybe it's just because Margaret is a really fun name to yell.

Margaret! God damn it, Margaret! Margaret, I have had it with your nonchalance! When Clithrow's house was searched, soldiers very quickly found Catholic priests in a hidden room that was built specifically for this purpose. Priest-shaped tubes. These rooms, seriously called priest holes, were built in houses all over England and still exist in some structures today. Put them head first. Yeah dude, just like a literal hole.

Well, it's a little hidden room. No, it's not like just a hole, like a literal like hole, like Looney Tunes hole in the ground. He pops his head up like, uh? Like a little groundhog a hole, like a literal like hole, like Looney Tunes hole in the ground. He pops his head up like, uh? Like a little groundhog. It's like a pantry. Yeah. Now Margaret refused to plead guilty or innocent one way or another after she was arrested

so her children wouldn't be compelled to testify against her. It's like Colonel Clink. As was the custom at the time for people who refused to plead one way or another in the English judicial system She was sentenced to death by pressing crushed to death all while being pregnant with her fourth child. Whoa, that's how you pop How does that happen? Because I knew I knew you were gonna mention some about it as it popped into my head I knew I knew you were gonna mention some about it cuz it popped into my head Did it did well it depends on how many months pregnant she is at that time It's technically you're no longer lady. You're a gusher. Can we please move on?

Mm-hmm now two British sergeants were supposed to carry out the dreaded task of crushing a pregnant woman with rocks But not having the heart they hired four beggars to take their place and they're like, yeah But not having the heart they hired four beggars to take their place and they're like, yeah Task rabbit. So it helps me with everything. Well after stripping Margaret down and tying a handkerchief across her face, the beggars lay Margaret on a sharp rock about the size of a man's fist and placed it in the small of her back. Then they took the door from her own home, which that was part of the custom of pressing to death.

It had to be a door from their own home. And they laid it on top of her. Finally, they started stacking rocks on the door, little by little. Ten pound by ten pound by ten pound. The torture was designed so the sharp rock would break her back before she died. And all told, the slow crushing of Margaret Clithrow took an excruciating 15 minutes. Damn. And they knew that she was finally dead like the Wicked Witch of the West because of her name, her labia's just popped out

at the bottom of the door. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. At the very, very end. That's how many of them knew she was done. And that a boat sank because loose lips sink ships. Un... See, that's too far

That's too far cuz that's not even on topic. No, it's really not even on top. No, it's quite a non sequitur Edward. Sorry St. Margaret however wasn't canonized until 1970 when she and dozens of other martyrs from this time period were canonized in a ceremony Dozens of other martyrs from this time period were canonized in a ceremony honoring a group that sounds like a bad British invasion ban. Cuthbert, Maine and the 39 Companion Martyrs. Oh, top of the pops! This week! This week on Top of the Pops we've got Cuthbert, Maine and the 39 Companion Martyrs!

With their hit Strawberry Sunset! It's a strawberry sunset and I can't see the day! Go grab the door and I'll get the stones! Preston of Preggy! You ever seen that? You ever see Preston of Preggy? That's a B sign I think. Have you seen this?

Have you heard this? Really rare. Yeah. But before we go, let's cover one more saint one who is said to have had an actual magical power It's my favorite one. Although it seems like his powers were completely out of his control and totally accidental He's more like an X-man. Okay, Spider-Man. This saint was named Joseph of Cupertino According to Franciscan accounts from the 17th century Joseph was quote-unquote According to Franciscan accounts from the 17th century, Joseph was quote unquote remarkably un-clever, but was able to achieve regular bouts of levitation and he would have ecstatic

visions. Now for ecstatic visions, just understand that what that is, it's like you're having like a trance state. Now Joseph of Cuppartino was a local simpleton that was very, they all liked him. Everyone liked him. And he came up there going like hey everybody you got you guys see paracross Like oh hey, Joe, you know like oh, he's really manhandling the sugar packets

In the back me getting the eggs being like no Joe we don't need help You need help? You need help in the back of me getting the eggs? Being like, no Joe, we don't need help. Thank you though, thank you so much, you're so sweet. But instead of being venerated for his regular bouts of levitation, in which he would fly, Joseph was deemed disruptive and was confined to a small cell where he was forbidden from joining any public gathering. I don't feel bad because I just don't want to bum anybody out. If you feel like I need to be in here then that's fine for me. A fun new expression is he's so dumb he floats.

Well partly this is because levitation was widely connected not to a godly blessing but devilish witchcraft. As such, Joseph was very lucky to not end up on the rack, especially after he was put up for an official inquisition. It's just kind of fun to be in a new place. Everybody asked me questions and stuff. Hope you guys found the power of Christ. Where are you going to put that? Let's nail him in the fucking forehead.

Let's turn his bones into fucking confetti. If you think that's a good idea, go ahead and do it. Whatever you need, whatever ahead and do it. That way it makes you feel good. But instead of being tortured to death, Joseph was passed from one friary to another until he finally landed with an understanding group of Cappuccino friars in the Italian town of Fasombrone. He lived a simple life until his death and was canonized a little over a hundred years

later. But concerning his so-called miracles, it's been suggested that Joseph of Cupertino may have actually just been a very talented, if misunderstood, gymnast. No! What does that even mean? According to written accounts some of his alleged levitations originated from a crouching position instead of being prone standing or kneeling. It's possible that witnesses mistook a very impressive leap made by a very agile man as levitation.

And the story just grew from there. Hey man, I get it. Air Jordan. He was like that. He was good at business, good at basketball, not great at being a father. No. Even worse as a son. Whoa. Sadly. Really, really sadly. But Joe, he just flight to float. Business go to basketball not great at being a father. No even worse than this as a son

But you Joey just fly to float yeah, but I just love a jump eject Amazing that they didn't just fucking kill him. Yeah, it was I think it was because he was Not that right remarkably on clever He was nice. He was very nice, and they're like this guy can't he's just floating there and he also didn't really seem to Enjoy at that much. Yeah, cuz he would fly go no, no Oh, no, somebody get a string. Oh no, I'ma be a clown. Oh no, and they're like, what do you do with that guy? Yeah, every time they tried to kill him the guy had a hammer next to his head. He's like I can't do it. He's too cute. He's too a hammer next to his head. He's Dammit Joe You like the waffle, aren't you? God damn it, Joe. Send him to a friary. Just get down. Just get off the ceiling.

This map is real cute. Get off the fan, Joe. Nevertheless, because of Joseph of Cupertino's aerial abilities and his so-called remarkable uncleverness, he has probably the widest span of patrons, being both the patron saint of intellectual disabilities and astronauts where we get the insult your mom is an astronaut

here's your Joseph of Cupertino really the patron saint of simple boys simple Jack That's it for the Saints for this second installment, maybe we'll do more in the future we you know, we have more stories There's I mean, there's ten thousand saints Wacky and horrible, but yeah, I could even tell the story of Tommy Cantaloupe. We ran out of time. Yeah, but guys, this is not- I heard some conjecture that episode 600 was not going to come until 2025.

And so those people, you're fucking deadass wrong. Yeah, there's a whole month till 2020. Next week, we begin a very large series that I'm very very excited for it's a story We've wanted to tell for a very long time and this is gonna be it's gonna be fun It's gonna be really fun. So many great characters in this. It's gonna be a three-parter. It's I'm Fucking jazz for this story of my c-section. Yeah Well, thank you guys so much. Go to patreon.com slash Last Podcast on the Left and you can pay to watch us flop around.

We're here in the lovely. We got to thank these studios here. Melrose. Melrose podcast. Melrose podcast. Thank you so much for having us. You guys were awesome. Thank you.

And go to lastpodcastonleft.com to buy tickets for our live show. We tomorrow night. We are at King's Theater. We are doing good. Honestly, we're doing great, for diggits. But just come out. We sold the shit ton, but we opened up the second balcony or whatever.

So come on out. And so there's a little extra room. It's an impossibly large room. So please come out. We're gonna have, we can't fucking wait to be back. And we're in Philly tonight. Yeah, we're in Philly tonight, but also in January, don't forget, this will be a great Christmas present. We're gonna be in tonight. Yeah, we're in Philly tonight, but also in January. Don't forget. It's be a great Christmas present

We're gonna be in Atlanta on January 11th at the coca-cola Roxy and also after that will be in Dallas Nashville Detroit Toronto Toronto Yeah, and if you're looking for another really nice Christmas gift for your loved ones get in your orders now for Spring Hill Jack coffee Yeah, we have a brand new one. It's we have a we have a new line also coming out we have a new line coming up but they make but that all the rest of it's bring your jacket so I'm a high strangeness man myself like yeah yeah I am a shy strangers man so yeah go buy some Spring Hill Jack coffee for your

loved ones well beautiful hey great hell Satan and let's go be say let's go be saintly today Marcus all right go kill somebody at the hotel and ask for forgiveness at st. Peter's hail Tia Nicole blank and ship she's a fan that we lost this week Patriot state of last podcast network that's very very sweet absolutely and thank you Adam our guest producer for today. Thank you Adam. Yes. All right Huggy no one by