Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 60: Serial Killer Fantasy Baseball Live

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

On this special bonus live episode of Last Podcast, the boys pick a fantasy baseball team stocked entirely with our favorite serial killers.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk on the left That's when the cannibalism started It is dark very dark. All right, welcome to the last podcast of the left everybody That's Marcus and I've been with us as always. We've got this fellow here to my right. Hong Kong. Here's a broska. Oh, I Got a one-ton in my hat that keep it because it's rocky It's the rest one in the universe really oh keep it for saving keep it for special We're gonna just I have to limit how much I do Hong Kong. You know I mean it's like you've got to come and go It can't always be Hong Kong of course for the new listeners out there the two girls with the wonderful bosoms

I'm sorry, please stay. Please stay. Will you please say no matter what it is that he says he's gonna say horrible things All right, you just don't I'm just saying please explain. We got we got this. Yeah Either way well, thank you for being here Hong Kong Henry's a broska. You haven't done Hong Kong in a very long time No, no, no, I go in and I really enjoyed hearing that. It's good to do it when it's live So people can see that I'm not Asian because when you hear my accent you're like is he actually Chinese Does he have a wanton in his hat? Oh my god, because I am a chameleon of Character work. That's right. His voice wraps you into a different world of racial ethnicities. I'm the long chainie of dumb podcasts Yeah, that's right. Very much so indeed. All right, so today

We're gonna be discussing serial killers which we do very often and we've decided to fill out a baseball dream team Take me out to the ball game. I'm sorry. That's I that's all I know with that song But then we're gonna we're doing a fantasy dream baseball type team So we're gonna fill out the baseball diamond that you see behind you and for those at home Google baseball diamond And then you'll see a Google Right along with us. So let's just get to let's start with number one. Let's start with our Steinberg of our baseball Steinbrenner. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, okay, that's fine That's my name. We'll do I

Don't understand the fundamentals of baseball like we decided to do this and put you put Characters in baseball positions and then I realized I don't know what each one of them does well We do know one thing the owner controls the baseball universe. It's that true Oh, what does an owner do? Oh, they sit around smokes the cars get blown, you know, what all why aren't we baseball owners? We're not smart. Ah, yeah, okay Um, and so our owners are gonna be the reptilians. Yes, the so the reptilian overlords Yeah, these are the people that are making the big calls are putting people in they know what's going on Lord Draco He just came here from Nabooru

He wants to be he wants he loves to smell of peanuts because you remind him of his eggs When he shoots them out of his his cloaca, which is a combination of vagina asshole Yeah, reptilian eggs smell like peanuts. Oh, I mean to him Oh To us, it's different But whatever it is the people that made us the people that harassed the brown people that used to live on earth and made them into what we Are today the horrible gangly white people. Yeah Is I mean you're gangly. I'm one of them. I'm uh, yeah, I'm like a Kirby. I'm shaped like Kirby. Yeah from Nintendo

He is he is a bit more of a Kirby the love bug and then of course Kirby the video game. Yes Yes, you can zoom all things and I would love to drive you around sometime All right, so really you don't like that. No, it's disgusting. It's a section when you want That's really disgusting. I hate that. So we get the reptilian overlords Yes, if you want to learn more about the reptilians listen to which we talked entirely about 25 episodes talking about reptilians because it's a big theory and if you really want to get into it I've got some new I got some new stuff to drop on for people who've been listening for a long time

It's like there was a B story about the resistance against the reptilians and that's coming up. That's right Yeah, the next last podcast on the left so make sure you give that a listen So we should probably start with it Do we want to start from management on down you want to get into the actual meat of the team? Well, let's get to our manager first. Yes So the manager is the one who does the day-to-day He really decides like who we're playing against let's say this team is like let's say we're going up against a New York Janky, so we're going against a New York Janky, you know, like how the Cubans say it

How Derek Jeter would say it Derek Yator as they call it Well, it's very difficult to talk with all the vagina in his mouth, but that's true So we're gonna go with a manager has to have a skill set that is controlling yet properly manipulative He's kind of he's gonna stand out and he's also like he's driving people He wants to pick a group of people that can do what he wants them to do He wants to drain as much energy out of them as they can physically Expel and also just tap that ass when he can and occasionally tap Yeah, so in our situation our manager is Marcus. Would you like to reveal Charles Manson the manager of all serial killers?

Like if you're gonna pick someone who has got the skills like this is a CEO material Yeah, you can't have Charles Manson sitting around stuffing envelopes. Yeah No, no, no, no, he's gonna work his way up to schedule manager first, you know And then he's gonna be big pop up very soon It's because again, it's like how you're gonna get this sort of this rag tag team of misfits that we're about to put together I mean, this is a team of scams, you know baseball is on a lockout There's nobody else to perform this wonderful physical feat that they do out there on the field So we gotta get a bunch of serial killer man's own. Yeah, he's Charles Manson. He knows how to win ball games

Yeah, I mean you do is you find the pregnant players on the other time and you sneak into their bedrooms at night I mean, he goes big aiming for the woman's womb He loves to kill babies. So what position do we start with here? They do you want to call our team? I want to say let's call the pigbloods That's called the Wisconsin pigbloods. The Wisconsin pigbloods. It sounds like a fantastic sausage as a matter of fact Yes, let's start with our catcher and just build our way up No, if you're gonna pitch it if you're gonna picture in your head a serial killer Who's gonna be a catcher who really when it comes out to who do we gonna do you choose?

Who do you think we got a catcher? It's a serial killer. Who do you think it's gonna be? That's actually really that's pretty good No He is you mean a freedom fighter and a truth-seeker Absolutely good suggestion, thank you. Absolutely. We're going for the more traditional route The reason why I became a catcher because of the things that you see on television that show you who these catches are which is I was a catcher for six years for baseball, but I don't remember the sport Interesting. Yeah, John Wayne Gacy

He's got a catcher's build and also it comes down to it is like, you know, he's you know, he's one of the boys One of the guys like one of those guys. It's like he's a drinker. He's a guy you want to hang out with He's like the catcher is in construction team. Yeah, the cab color guy He's a blue collar guy the catcher on any baseball team has to have the largest collection of porn And as we know John Wayne Gacy, he was a connoisseur Oh, yeah, and something he was making himself. I mean, and he was like, oh, yeah, he was really great 22 boys were dead Because of him, you know, but he's the catcher of the team. This is the kind of guy you want in that

That's the kind of backbone you want on a serial killer Fantasy baseball team you want a man who was killed 22 boys not to mention, of course He'll wear the clown makeup as a catcher which gives the pitcher a point of focus. Yes, you know what actually you're selling them short 33 boys and suspected of 34 plus isn't that and in fact recently they're going back to the to John Wayne Gacy's Neighborhood because they're thinking that he may have hid more bodies in separate locations. Well, that's what one nice thing about killing kids You got double the room Fold them up and There's one of those like fun storage bags you see on infomercials where they suckle the air vacuum

You get the good bacon's dozen kids hands in this sec This is amazing either way. He's our catcher and I think for good reason Let's go to first base first base now. You had a solid theory Well, first base is a difficult position. You have to be relatively stocky and relatively large and you're a go-to guy You're a go-to guy. You're a power hitter. You're a slugger You're the very bonds of your team. You're the Sammy Sosa Although I am not going to say that these folks are doing any illegal steroids. These are moral individuals. These are moral people Yeah, I'm gonna give this to David Berkowitz the son of Sam. Yes. I can see that

Yeah, it's a bit of a cliche answer. I think because you know, he only killed six. He mostly missed Which is kind of a diss and the best part is that he's also got a great You know, but the best part about him is that you know, he could trip people up because he's got that dog Running up and down the line like back and forth. You do all up If you do manage to get a hit and you're running to first base, he'll unleash the dog. Oh, yeah And he's coming at them. He's going like I killed a woman The killing won't stop until he's had his fill of blood And also get a lot of personality my mom was very scared of him

Yeah, she was a lived in Queens at the time, right? He killed women that look like large pierogies with hair. No, my mom was beautiful Oh, okay. Um, no, I met her. I love her No, but this is the deal as well David Berkowitz. He did shoot And he missed more than he made but that is a relatively as far as baseball goes I would give him a point four hundred I would give him a hundred Strength is that he was using a forty four He was using a fucking old West right shoot him up like okay corral type gun big heavy fucking steel man hammer

Right, you know what I mean? And so it's like you can't just like boom And he's never killed someone before because he's doing the devil's will that you know It's like he wasn't trained to do this, you know He just got you got told a job to do when he was following when the devil Possesses your dog who he knows you talk to Then you will do the devil slash dogs will you got to do it which means you step out there You find the only gun that you can have it's like who knew if you only knew that you could garot people while they're sleeping Okay, can you go into this garot? You've said it multiple times. It's piano wire. Yeah, oh

Very efficient way to kill someone. Yeah piano wire beautiful. I love it. All right So we got our first baseman is David Berkowitz. So we got our we have we should go to our we should go to our pitcher It's a clutch. I feel like the pitcher should be done last. Okay. Okay. Let's go to let's just go around the bases Yeah, you know, somebody just hit the ball. What is a second baseman's like job? Why are you looking at me? Marcus is no way a baseman a second baseman's job is to look over to third base and wave to him Okay, and then look over to first base. Oh, hello And basically a second baseman's job is to be ready for the ball whenever the ball is hit towards him And then he throws it to that third baseman who he's now cordial with or that friendly first baseman. Okay

I don't know who should we go right? So what are we going for? Do you just need like easy? Just as a solid baseball player. He's a He's a man in the middle of the field the man in the middle of it all the man talking to the pitcher every now and again Oh, so we're looking at a Dahmer here We're looking at a Jay Dahmer the thing is I guess we could do that. I was also guy. I was thinking zodiac A mysterious position for a mysterious man. No, but you can't be playing baseball with a fucking sack over your head What do you mean? He's got a pillowcase over his head. He's got a hole in it Jason Voorhees had a sack over his head. He's not fueled by paranormal power. All right. So was the zodiac killer

All right here. I got killer was a man. He was just jealous of people in love. Oh, please Don't be so negative towards him. He's done a lot for us All right This can maybe give you some information the second baseman often possesses quick hands and feet needs the ability to get rid of The ball quickly and must be able to make the pivot on a double play. I'll give you the green river killer. Oh, yeah That's a green river killer. Yeah, Gary, right? That's him people up on your statue people up on the street. Yeah, and you got a ditch him quick He was unknocked for years. No, I agree. You know, he's again go-to guy. He's a go-to guy

He's a green river killer. I forget his actual Gary Ridgway Gary Ridgway He killed upwards of 80 people 71 confirmed victims as many as over as many as 90 as many as 90 folks And he was convicted of 48 a good 25 years. Yeah, so yeah, I think he's a solid second baseman He's a regular Wade Boggs A serial killer world and that is one of four baseball players. I know second famous second baseman Jackie Robbins There we go. Jackie Robinson of serial killer. I don't know if he broke a color barrier because he is white Which tends to be the race of most 90% of serial killers are white males and most of them are middle-aged. Good job

But you don't actually see any like I'd love this It's really great if a woman wants to really make it in life Uh-huh. You could be a serial killer because you will shoot to the stratosphere. You'll get so much attention Tina Fey of serial killer. What about Eileen Wernos? Of course First of all, there won't be no woman on my diamond. Okay, this is not, you know, a league of their own That shows that there's a problem and the fact that we can't have a woman's league of serial killer baseball That's true shows that there is a fucking divide mention if we wanted to bring Eileen into this Hey John Wayne Gacy's over the catcher. That's the only position that fat woman can play. Yeah

I mean, I agree. I agree with you on that one. Thank you. Yeah, big woman She could when the fucking when the guy turned around third and tries to knock the ball out of her hands She can stand her ground hit him with a pipe. Absolutely. Oh, actually, maybe she would be a great catcher. She's our backup catcher. Yeah, sure Yeah, yeah, she's wonderful. All right, so we got her second baseman. We said shortstop. We already knew a shortstop for me You know again, he's quick. He's that you want you're looking for the Derek Jeter of the team That's right. You know Ted Bundy the heartthrob the heartthrob of the world. He's out there It's just like the girls love him. You got to do something to put butts in the seats. Absolutely He sells tickets. It's got a good face

Ladies in the crowd. What do you think about Ted Bundy? Would you agree that he is the most attractive serial killer that's ever existed? Right now would if Ted Bundy came up to you and he was crippled and he was like Oh, I need help getting into my Pontiac. Would you help him get it into his Pontiac? You would even if you know that he's going to rape and strangle you You don't know that's what that's the game That is the truth though, isn't it? Yeah, and that's the thing about a shortstop You never know when the ball is gonna come towards you just have to be ready to act whatever Ted Bundy is such a perfect shortstop making opportunities and the man can all he escaped from prison

he escaped from prison in Washington that's when he went down to Florida and Did his business with the sorority? What's his name? Ozzie Davis? His name is a famous shortstop, right? What's his name? What's his name? Like the Wizard of Oz? What? Ozzie Guillen? It is. What's his name? Ozzie Guillen. Ozzie Guillen? No. Ozzie Mandius. Ozzie Mandius? We know nothing. I can't believe we even decided we don't know what sports are Ozzie Smith. Ozzie Smith. Who's Ozzie Guillen? Dude, you are the, this is why we have a live audience everybody. Thank you so much, sir. Thank you for that. I thought you were making an Ed Gean joke. Yeah, I thought you were too. I thought you were just mashing facts together and you're horrible twisted.

First of all, when I made bad jokes, I do it on purpose. Anyway, alright, so let's see here. It's a third base. Now we're on to third base here. So let's go through our lineup really quick. So we got a reptilian overlords and we have Charles Manson. We got David. Charles Manson is barking orders talking to himself. Oh, he's spitting all over the place. Loving his life. Loving those sunflowers. He's got some girl with armpit hair and a swat's got fucking carpenter forehead next to her. He's loving his life. Yeah, he calls her forehead the playbook. He just like cars. And then of course we got John Wayne Gacy as our catcher. We got our first baseman who is, I'm drinking. Oh, son of Sam. Son of Sam, first baseman. And then our second baseman is the Green River Killer.

Our first stop is the wonderful Ted Bundy. Now we're on to third base. And Marcus, what does the third baseman do? The third baseman requires good reflexes and reacting to batted balls as he is often the closest infielder to the batter. I'm going to give this to Jeffrey Dahmer. It requires a strong arm and he often makes long throws to first base. Absolutely. Now we were going to say Jeffrey Dahmer that makes a lot of sense and he comes down to it for me. You know, it's like what you really want is like what's going to give the Wisconsin pigbugs an edge. You know what I mean? The thing that no one see comment. Right. Mid fucking game. See how Jeffrey Dahmer. Pinhead from Hellraiser. Yeah. Fucking third base. So Dahmer misses the ball. They pull him. They pull him and he always set it in.

He used to get into the box. You have a little girl out there with the box. She opens it up fucking hooks. Shoot from the sky. Rip her skin off. She's just screaming multiple times. So you really do not want to get stuck on third. What is going to strike fear into the hearts of the Colorado Rockies is seeing a girl get flayed by ethereal spirit hooks. And then you got like he's just shooting. He's like he's got a long arm. You know what I mean? You're not going to make a move. You're like you're going to make a move. You're going to try to steal third. Look over fucking pinheads floating there going like I will eat your soul. That's right. And here's the great thing is that Pinhead of course is a demon from Hell.

Third base is also known as the hot corner. Isn't that something? I love all this. That it works out. This is educational on so many levels and people are loving listening to it. I just imagine he's got it. It would just be difficult to kind of like hang out with Pinhead. I don't know if he's like a fun guy. He gives you the sushi treatment. Takes all the skin off your bones. Wraps you in a rice. I mean this is a nightmare situation. Can't wear a hat. That's right. And that's problem for baseball. He's got a lot of great stories. If you remember in Hellraiser 2 they actually give the backstory of the man who became Pinhead. That's right. He was a World War I veteran.

That's a problem. Veterans are just fucking boring. I don't know. I love veterans. Hammering nails into their heads. It's the closest thing that gets them back to the war. I just got to fuck. All right. I agree. So we got Jeffrey Dahmer but he misses the throw to the home plate. We got to get him pushed out of there. We got Pinhead on third base. Let's go center field. Center field. This is again this is an epithetal role in a baseball squad.

Is that what you call a baseball group? A squad. It's a squad. Sure why not. Interesting. I agree. I'm going to go over someone. It's like what you want. It's like the long balls coming on. You want someone who's got a fucking like a deep fucking tool set of skills. Right. I mean a guy that is like legends come out of center field. You know what I mean. Right. Name some famous center fielders. Ken Griffey Jr. Ken Griffey Jr. Ronald Briggled. Let's go to the audience. You've got Tommy Tommy two step.

Oh no. Tommy two step is true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. John Travolta. Tommy two step. He could only get the ball if it was within two steps of him. He's got two steps. He never missed it though. Two steps. Within two steps. You're going to find a better center field. Hey man. You knew what you were getting when you hired Tommy two steps. He's the center fielder of the Wisconsin playing now playing center field for the Wisconsin pig bloods. Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper everybody. That's a problem though. It's like you know he keeps running back for his hat though. That's his big that's his big thing.

He's got his cape flap and then the wind outfielders must cover large distances. So speed instincts and quickness to react to the ball are key. You put two horrors on either side of that field and Jack the Ripper is going to be running back and forth. Runs over stabs one catch the ball. Runs over stabs another girl catches the ball. If there is an afterlife that is his ultimate peril. Like that is Jack Jack the Ripper has two horrors on either side of him and he stabs them but they never die. So he's just oh man that was a lot. Keep cutting her breasts off but they keep growing back.

I don't know what to do about it. And here's an interesting thing about Jack the Ripper is that we might be getting a two for one here because it's rumored that Jack the Ripper was possibly H.H. Holmes. No way. I'm going to go completely against that. H.H. Holmes is a well thought out methodical killer. He's organized murderer. He likes it.

He's a controlling fucking fuckface. He's more of a trapdoor spider. Jack the Ripper is an impulsive like rapee. He's a raper. He goes out there. He wants to cut off the tits and eats them and eats their Gorgons and shit. He can't be building stuff all day. Jack the Ripper plans around.

H.H. Holmes would have a television show right now. What's the name of that TV channel? This Old House. Extreme Home Makeover. Exactly. H.H. Holmes is just a construction man. Do you guys know who H.H. Holmes is? You don't know who H.H. Holmes is? He is America's first serial killer.

He's fantastic. He built a murder mansion. What he did was that he would build wings of his house with different architects to fire them as seriously or murder them. And to the point where it's like, no one knew the actual outlight of his house and it was like dead hallways that would lead to dead ends and then he'd shut furnaces in his basement

where he would basically, there would be rooms with double mirrors and he'd watch women in these rooms and then he'd gas them and then send their bodies down, shoots the basements where they would be burned. And he went, no one caught him. Nobody ever caught him. I mean, they didn't catch him anyway. He actually got arrested for tax evasion, I think.

He was a notorious tax cheater. Which tells you what the government really cares about. They're like, kill anybody you want, but give us our fucking money. Tax evasion was what first put the investigator onto his trail. That's how they eventually found him. But when he was arrested, I think he had killed his wife's brother's children. He would marry women for their money. And then kill them.

And he also did this whole thing under the guise of the Chicago World's Fair in the late 1800s. So there were women coming from all over the United States to try to find work in Chicago. It was kind of the first time that women were more independent. And so he would take full advantage of that and he would bring them into his boarding house and then just fucking slash them up.

And another thing that he used to do. It was a real dead-end breakfast? Are you leaving? No, Henry, come back to the show. No, Henry, don't leave. No, I mean, it's punny. Henry, it's punny. Henry, come back. It's punny. It's punny.

It's punny. It's punny. It's good. Yeah, people love puns. Yeah. The New York Post is a very popular magazine. It's bumping our numbers. Every time we do a pun, we get five more listeners. And another thing that he would do to dispose of the bodies that he would lower the women in a vats of acid

and then sell the skeletons to local medical schools. And I could only find one of those skeletons. That would be amazing to have in the house. I have a gigantic six-foot plastic skeleton in my house right now. But it's not bones. No, no. And it's full of semen. It makes me sad. Which is very disgusting.

I mean, I can make you some bone art if you want. He has a full costume made out of cow bones from his family's farm. I would rather not talk about Mark as his disgusting traits. All right, so that's our middle field field. I mean, our center field. Center field. And so H.H. Holmes is a proper replacement. Now, coming to the left field where you want again,

it's a good, another, you know, rangy guy. Yeah. Yeah. Lanky. Someone who can jump. Somebody who's all over the place. Moving all around. And I'm going to put out there David Ike.

He's not a serial killer. But he covers a lot of ground. That is a good point right now, which you just made. David Ike is out there in the ground. Okay. You got to check out David Ike. He's the one who talks about the reptilian overlords, who you now know run our team.

And he's suspecting with something going on with the managers, because the manager's got like a long face and a big, weird plastic pink mask on going like, yeah, David, maybe it should take a life field. But he's like, there's something up with these managers. Yeah. Balls are whizzing past his head. But we don't have them out there.

It's the Archons. That's right. David Ike is fantastic. Archons is what they call people that are, reptilian intelligences that are reincarnated into human bodies that are now people like Barack Obama. Think about that. Think about that.

Barack Obama, George H. Bush. Think about that. Think about him. He's one Princess Diana's murderer. Think about that. Wasn't an accident. Think about that. Yep.

That's the thing with David Ike. David Ike actually is a complete lunatic who might be onto something. My favorite story about David Ike is when he met the former Prime Minister of Britain. He pulled his face off. He tried to pull his face off. I knew there was an iguana in that. And the Prime Minister was like, I think there's zombies around.

They're like, that's crazy. And then David Ike, I think, is a reptilian. Anyway, it's this vicious circle of insanity. But the story with David Ike, just to tell you how insane he is, a great example is David Ike is backstage at a studio. He's about to go on and do a television show. The Prime Minister had just finished. Which Prime Minister?

Tony Blair or David Cameron? No, no. This is a guy from the 70s. I forget the guy's name now. From 70 to 73. Was Wilton Munson? Wilton Munson. We might as well just go with that.

Very British. He was the guy who started... Chuckle Buckleberry. Chuckle Buckleberry, yeah. He was the guy who started the English off on the beginnings of the European Union with the overall Euro and the future of global currency. I don't understand what you're talking about. Sure, whatever, yeah.

Global currency. Yeah, which is a very reptilian agenda type of thing. Yeah, absolutely. Because you're manipulative. Because money is fake and you just make up the numbers and that's what makes... Well, we nearly had a trillion dollar coin. So that's true. But basically, so David Ike is hanging out with the former Prime Minister

and he's like looking at him and he's like, he looked at me. He scanned me up and down like a reptile. And he's like, oh, he's definitely reptilian. Guy just died, turns out raging homosexual. The former Prime Minister never was married. All these guys are like, yeah, we used to just fuck the shit out of that dude. I knew he was staring at my penis in order to eat it for his sex ritual. And he's like, no, he just wanted to make love to you.

He wanted to ban you. And David Ike could not rationalize that in his head. So he's like, must be a reptile. Can you imagine going out on a single date with David Ike? I would never want it to end. It would be like going out on a single date with you. Very similar. Henry hasn't been on a date in a very long time.

He's in a very happy relationship right now and he loves his life. Yeah, I just think about reptiles a lot. Manifests itself in conversation. Quite a bit, but that's fine. Yes, every time I say Henry is happy, then just take that in your brain, pretend your brain is a mirror, and then reverse it. Because he is sad. I'm fine.

No, you're great. And you look good. So here we go. I think we've filled out our entire team. No, no, right field. Oh, we have right field. And then we also got a bulletin, a mascot, and I got a cheering section. And we also never did the picture.

And we never did the picture. Let's fly through this. So we got right field again. We want a big, rangy guy. When a guy out there is making a lot of moves, putting pressure on people. What's a good one? Another one I would say is... Can I say Fred West?

Which one's Fred West? Fred West is an amazing serial killer. He's fucking nuts. One of the worst. Him and his wife. They were fantastic. Fred and Rose West. Oh, no.

I know what you're talking about. I don't know, but again, these are homebodies. We wanted somebody who makes a lot of moves. Henry Lee Lucas. Henry Lee Lucas, he killed upwards of 300 people. So he says he went around with him and his homosexual partner in crime. They would pick up drifters and murder him for pleasure. Why else do you kill?

Officially, he only killed 11 people, but confessed to over 600. This is the kind of guy. You want out there fucking looking to make some plays. So he officially killed 300. Confessed to over 600. Now, he officially killed 11. They say that most likely it's around 200, but he confessed to about 600. He's like the Will Chamberlain.

Yeah. Big numbers. Real big numbers. All right. That's fantastic. First of all, I just want to say as well, let's do a quick little audible. Our medic, team medic. Let's say Pinhead gets injured.

One of the hooks accidentally gets him in the eye. Of course, our medic is going to be Dr. Death, Dr. Harold Shipman. An English fella who killed over 215 people using morphine. But again, my problem with this guy is that he did it easy. It's hard to strangle a woman with pantyhose. It is easy to just put morphine into a drip. Old people. That's why he's the team medic.

Yeah. You know, I think you need a level-headed man for the teammate. Absolutely. I'm with Ben on this one. Yeah. I mean, I still thought, I think he cackled himself to sleep every night. Oh, yeah, definitely. You know, I still think like everybody was like, yeah, evil.

There was nothing. I'm just honestly watching Frasier. For cheering section, it was someone, a group that, me and you were talking about the other day, the Chicago Rippers. Yeah. The Chicago Rippers, very underrated group. What the Chicago Rippers used to do, they were a satanic ritual abuse group of people who used to kidnap women, cut off their breasts, masturbate into the breast,

cut it up, and then eat it. They were fucking an N. And certainly, that's how the Mets won the 1989 World Curses. It works very well. It also sounds like the inspiration for Cocoa Water. Which is kind of interesting. And side note, one of the guys used to work construction for John Wayne Gacy. Oh, yeah, interesting.

Man, it's a small world out there. Small world. Wait a second. It wasn't the Green River Killer, weren't they cousins? Gacy and... No, the Green River Killers, like there were two cousins, right? They were doing it. No.

Who were the cousins? That's not true. It wasn't BTK. I think it was the Green River Killer, right? Wasn't it two dudes? No, the Green River Killers, just Gary Ridgway. What is the other prostitute spree killer in California that wasn't Green River Killer? The Hillside Strangler?

Every Strangler American man. That guy is... I think there was a Boston Strangler. Yeah, Hillside Strangler. Yeah, that was him and his cousin. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Just clarifying, that was Inside Baseball Talk, I'm sorry. That was Inside Baseball. Let's get some outside baseball talk here and let's get to our... In the picture, one of the most, probably arguably, one of the most important, like, members of a baseball squad. That's right. And I want to say, before we get to our picture, we did a tournament of champions. We did a March Madness situation, full of serial killers, and a lot of folks wrote in

and a lot of folks talked to us. They said that this fella that we're about to announce was very underrated in our tournament. Yeah. Because we had Jeffrey Dahmer came in on top, just because he's more of like, we understand him. We understand him. I'm a Wisconsin native myself. Dahmer has haunted my dreams forever, but I always sort of relate it to the fella.

When nerds don't go to comedy, sometimes they kill a bunch of people. That's right. It's just like one or the other. I'm pretty sure that those impulses lie right next to each other. I mean, I might be trying to make zombie sex slaves with acid right now. Who knows? Who knows? But instead, we take all that energy, we put it into podcasts.

Yes. What do you think is very important? And other comedic events. So... And online shopping. Oh, my God. I really hope so. I can't get enough agropon.

I love agropon. I love agropon. No. Okay. So our pitcher is going to be... Who do you want to...do you want to announce it? Oh, yeah. The man himself.

You want to say like, you know, this guy was a fucking...he's a legend. He's incredible. Hispanic. Very scary. Hispanic, which is always huge in baseball. Very good for baseball. Richard Ramirez, the night stalker. Richard Ramirez, the night stalker.

Because he's, again, long-limbed. This is the kind of guy you want being a pitcher. You know, he's got a heck of a fucking...what's a dead...a dead ball? What's it called? A curveball. A curveball. Fastball. A knuckleball.

A knuckleball. Sure. You never know where this guy's coming from. That's absolutely correct. Because what he does is, the night stalker would do...and this is a thing that everyone should like watch out for, which is what he would do is he would break into homes of couples... Is anybody in a relationship out there?

He would break into home of couples and then what he would do is he would hide in the house and then you'd come home and you'd spend a whole night not knowing that the night stalker was in your house, up in your closet, like you just, you wouldn't look in the closet because you were whatever, doing whatever, you know what I'm saying, hang out, he'd wait till you fall asleep and then come out and murder you at gunpoint. Let's go to bed, honey. I'm so tired. Oh, I'm so tired and he's just like...

Trying to wake up early tomorrow. It's like... Don't you tell me what to do. That's right. I'm looking for a job. And that's a thing. You know, I never loved you and you've gained four pounds. The deal is, the lesson with Ramirez is whenever you want to stay up and drink all night and

party due, because there's a man in your closet and as soon as you fall asleep, you're a dead woman. Or a man. Or a dead person. And this is the deal, with the night stalker, he terrified the Los Angeles area to a point where it was summertime, 105 degrees outside. A lot of folks didn't have air conditioning. They were still shutting their windows, locking them, very uncommon for the area.

No man, no woman was seen. Very scary guy. Also, so he's confirmed with 28 kills and she would have preferred, this is kind of interesting. And he's a flashy guy. He loves the camera. He is a flashy guy. He's one of those guys who would like, yeah, because it's like, during his trial, he became

notorious because he would draw up pentagrams on his hands and like show them to like the court cameras. And he was like... And here's a little bit of an excerpt from a dialogue. This is from an actual testimony from a witness. This was one of the women that he was tying up. He said, you bitch, you motherfucker. You don't scream.

Otherwise, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill your kid in the crib and I'm going to kill your son. The woman said, and she replied, I swear I won't. I swear I won't scream. I swear I won't go out. He slapped her one more time and said, swear upon Satan. Yeah. And I said, yes, I swear on Satan.

I won't scream. Well, very interesting. Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, if you also want to know what Marcus is going to be doing around 9.35 tonight, he will be masturbating to that paragraph, which is very exciting. But then again, in a proper baseball defense, you also have to round it out like you got a strong, you know, which Ramirez, strong opener. Absolutely.

I do want to point this out. The Night Stalker, it sounds like a great name, but this is one lesson that I always enjoy with Ramirez is you can't always get what you want. And occasionally the media makes you to be something that you don't necessarily want to be. The Night Stalker would have preferred the name The Night Prowler and he never got what he wanted. Good.

Isn't that interesting? Good. Yeah. You can choose your nickname. That's right. It's like we had our buddy in college who talked around and he was like, he's like, I never had a nickname. It's like, yeah.

So how about you guys start calling me Viper? Oh, yes. Viper. And we're like, no. And then we just call. Your new nickname is going to be like Deuceus. I think we call you Viper. I don't know what it's like.

That's what you get when you ask for a fucking nickname, you're not going to get the nickname that you want. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I want to be called Thor. Can I call you Sponge Slab? I guess you have to.

That's kind of fun. I call you Ben, that's your name. The original name of the Night Stalker was even worse. The media originally called him the door-to-door killer. I mean, what's he selling? Yeah. That's ridiculous. Humpty slumpty.

That sounds very good. Humpty slumpty murder. All right. So then all you want is like, and then again, you want a really good, strong closer, you know, in the end, it's like, it's only so long he's been working, he's been playing fucking 900 games a year. I don't know how many games are in baseball. It's a lot.

900 a year? That makes sense. There's 900 days in the year. Strong. I mean, there certainly isn't. I'm not really sure. I don't know. They didn't play more than one game a day?

I'm not really sure. They could. Is it like late night? Do they film it like late night? Oh, yeah. Or do they just stack them in the afternoons? Actually, I think the games that we're watching every year were filmed three years previous.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They stack them up. Three years ahead. That's right. So, okay, we have our Night Stalker as our opener, and now you're doing a, you're calling to the bullpen. Exactly. It's like, oh my God.

It's like Richard's looking tired. Oh, he's just, he's... Oh, it looks like the Night Stalker's getting a little, like, a night tired. Yeah, exactly. Am I right? Am I right? Night sleepy. It looks like they're calling for a closer.

Pennywise the clown. Pennywise the clown, everybody. Because in the end, it's like a Southpaw. It's like, you know, he's a tricky guy to pitch against, but if you're a giant spider, like if you turn from a clown to a giant spider, you're going to trip him up, you know. It's just like, and then if you want, you could squirt him with your sticky dude. Yeah, absolutely. No, I've heard that.

And also, you got clown on clown action with Pennywise and John Wayne Gates. Who? Who? Yeah, that's just great. And they have a certain communication that we'll never understand. No. As clowns communicate in these very bizarre things. Yeah, which is just horn honks.

But I will say this, as soon as Pennywise comes onto the field, Pinhead's going to want to leave because I feel like they're occupying the same hell territory. I don't know. I think Pinhead doesn't really, I don't think Pinhead doesn't seem like, like a me guy. I think he's a team player. He's got a whole crew of dudes. No. He always shows up with a crew, dude.

Remember Hellraiser 3, the guy that shot CDs at people? I remember Clive Barker's disappointing series, yes. But I would say overall, I would like... Jesus, I still love Hellraiser. I love Hellraiser. Dude, I love it so much. You know, it's just, why have such great characters with such amazing makeup and do nothing with them?

I just feel like they all should be living in a high-rise apartment in New York City, and you see their exploits of their dating and their friendships. Ah, yes. Do you want Pinhead to be played by Matthew Broderick? Yes, yes I do. I love to see that. But can we... I want to mention this fella, and Charles Whitman Jr., the sniper in the town.

Ah, Charles Whitman. He would be good. He was a good pitcher as well. I think, well, he would be a great pitcher. I think he could also be a good third baseman, because he knows how to shoot the ball right down there at home base. When the human centipede... Let's say the human centipede is up to bat.

So you've got three people asked a mouth, asked a mouth, and they can really hit the ball far. So they hit the ball far. They race past Son of Sam. They race past the Ridgeway Killer. It's kind of like shuffle and kind of like mumble. You can imagine how fast I said, they have six legs. They have six legs.

Yeah, they're going. So is this a fully healed human centipede? This is the centipede that Dr. Hader... Is it? Yeah, Dr. Hader always wanted it to be. Dr. Laser. Dr. Laser. Yeah, Dr. Laser.

Dr. Laser. Dr. Laser. Always wanted it to be. This is the vision of the centipede that he, you know, had in his head when he was so able to ask a mouth. He was hanging out, penning his human centipede like it'd all be a big, happy family. So let's say they're up to bat, they hit the ball, and it's going very, very far. You know, David Eich is out there in left field talking about the reptilian staring at him.

Well, you just said you were scribbling and talking to no one and asking everyone if he's insane. The ball's zipped. The ball's zipped. And everyone's like, yes, you aren't sane. He's like, what are you saying? Am I... You're on pause.

Who's the grand reptilian pause? Interesting. Yeah. So the ball's zipped. Eject the rippers, just stabbing a woman. Of course, naturally. Again, you get all these guys together. It's fun to watch, but it's a bad baseball.

It's terrible baseball. Yeah. Great for murdering, though. So they race past the son of Sam, they race past the Ridgeway Killer. They race past Pinhead, and they're getting to home base over there. You got John Wayne Gacy. Pinhead throws the ball way over John Wayne Gacy's big, fat hand. He can't handle it.

That's when you need somebody like Charles Whitman, the sniper in the tower, to fucking be the third baseman, to stop the human centipede when they're rushing to the home base. This man got 46 shots off. 46. And this is before semi-automatic rifles. He was a fucking Marine. Yeah, he killed 14. He was a trained Marine.

That's right. Killed 14, wounded 32. Yeah. Knew how to shoot. He also got nothing on this shot. Nothing. If only they had used him as a patsy. They would have gotten JFK.

They would have gotten Jackie. They would have gotten two secret surface dudes. That's right. And they would have gotten a couple people in the crowd. That's right. And this is the guy you want. This is the guy you want on your team. Yes.

That's true. And that also reminds me. What do you think about this? Yeah. The other thing is also, my new question. If you're going to stop or run away human centipede, which one do you shoot in the head? You shoot the one in the middle. Middle.

Yeah. Because it's like two people struggling. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, that's the thing. When you die, you're shit. So that guy in the back is having a tough time. Oh, yeah.

Because he is. You know, eating shit. Like, literally eating human feces. And then the guy in the front, I mean, he can't carry all of that load. So they're just crawling, crawling to home base at this point. It's very, very difficult. Yeah. That's why we need to just hit it with a hammer.

Exactly. And that's what John, Yuri, and Gacy would do. And I'm also going to call in, you know, let's stay as well. Let's go to the bullfin one more time. Yeah. George W. Bush. Oh, yeah. George W. Bush is the greatest serial killer of all time.

So we're going to give him the pitcher spot as well. Sometimes, you know, Pennywise can't make the closing spot. And Osama bin Laden is just watching from heaven. That's right. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Well, that was for us. That was for us.

Yeah, that's for us. No, that's anti-American, buddy. That is anti-American. There's no heaven. No. No. And there was no Osama bin Laden. But that's fine.

So, um, is it? I don't know. Yeah. That would be an interesting episode. Oh, I just want to be Alex Jones so bad. I just want to see this game now. Yeah. What am I going to do now?

I'm going to go watch Real Baseball? Terrible. It's awful. I'll play it all together. I feel like we've filled out our entire squad. I think so. And then, I mean, then Team mascot, if we want to say, if you want to address somebody up as a bear,

who is the funniest, cutest one of all? Oh, let's get Osama bin Laden the Team mascot. No, no, no, no, no. He would be Team mascot Martin from Human Centipede 2. Human Centipede 2, he is a fucking cuddly guy. That's true. He's the Burgess Meredith of fucking retarded centipede makers.

And you don't dress him up as anything. You just put him in his whitey tighties, give him a crowbar. And then he can go around doing his little thwack. I'm like, can't I look to shit? Did you guys see Human Centipede 2 there in the crown? What are you here? Human Centipede 2 is the shit.

It's amazing. It's a must see. Oh, fuck South Park. South Park is listening to hire us. Of course, hire us, please. No, but Tray and Matt occasionally hit on sensitive subjects. It's like, make fun of Scientology.

Make fun of Christianity. Make fun of Mormonism. But leave Human Centipede out of it. Leave Human Centipede out of your jokes. Art only comes along every once in a while. That's right. Why make fun of it? Exactly.

Did they make fun of the Mona Lisa? I was going to say the Mona Lisa. Did they make fun of the thing that Michelangelo did with the painting? The ceiling. The ceiling with the painting. Did anybody block that? I don't think so.

Did anyone lampoon? All right. We've had enough fun. We've had enough fun, guys. Let's take it easy. So we have Martin as our mascot. I feel like, overall, this team is fantastic. And we're going far.

Absolutely. And I just can't wait to see them play the St. Louis Co-ETS. And it's just a team of just hot skaters. And coming out and you just see them all like, yeah, except for John Wing Gacy. He's just bored. Yeah, John Wing Gacy's bored.

Everybody else is like, I thought this was going to be the Little League World Series. This is terrible. Gacy's bored. Dahmer's bored. Henry Lee Lucas is bored. You got to put a couple of dudes on there for them. I guess it's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to, you know, you got to, what's his name? Chad Manning. What's the guy from 21 Drump Street? You fucking, Channing Tatum? Yeah, Channing Tatum. Yeah, get him Wiggle around out there and they'll just snap him to that.

Oh, by the way, this is all done like MTV's Rock n' Jock as well. If you guys recall Rock n' Jock, which was amazing. And so it's a softball game. Yeah, softball game. Well, thank you guys so much for coming out. Yeah. This is so great. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys so much for coming out. This has been great. And please listen, listen to a last podcast on the left.

You can find it on Cave Comedy Radio. And there's a whole bunch of different other shows on there that are amazing as well. So this has been super fun. Take me out to the ball, David. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. You get a paper cut? No, no, I was just.

That was you, the people that murdered. I was trying to be a co-ed, getting killed by Ted Bundy. You imagine you're on second base and you're like, I could steal third base, but then Ted Bundy's over there. You pay extra money to sit in the closed seats because then you get splattered with blue. Oh, splatter seats. He's like, toss me a booby.

I'll splice him. Yeah. Oh, that should be so cool. Like a Gallagher show. Absolutely. We'll McGusillations, everyone. McGusillations. Hail Satan.

We'll talk to you. Hail Satan. Hail me. Hail me.