Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 613: Creepypasta XXI - The Severance

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

This week the boys are boiling up a fresh ole' pot of Creepypasta for your listening pleasure so put on your comfy pants, turn off the lights, and roll up a hog's leg... It's time to get weird! For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last hot task. On the left. Why you bump your glade? That's when the cannibalism started. Who was that? Oh, shit! La la la la la la, don't be shy.

You know you're dying to die. You want to kiss a man, whoa, whoa. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Whoa Yeah, I feel like it's a good way to kind of flip this whole thing What whole thing like everybody like being kind of upset with that song what song? Little mermaid oh Yeah, for some reason the idea of like it's a bunch of fish begging you to kiss that weird older silent man Yeah, and I think that that's silent man. Yeah. And I think that that's very refreshing. Yeah. That the fish are encouraging that sort of thing. Well, it's not a silent woman. And I think that kiss the girl is so much worse because you're, you know, it's all these people like kiss that little girl, kiss that little girl, kiss

that little kiss the mute. Yeah. But there's something about like people being like, kiss that weird man, kiss the man. It's also bad. Why? I don't know. It seems awful. You're making people kiss each other. Maybe it's because I was desperate to find some Gene Hackman erotic fan fiction and it is sorely lacking. Welcome to last podcast on the left ladies and gentlemen. My name's Marcus Parks. I'm here with the searcher, the man on the eternal mission for Gene Hackman erotic fiction, Henry Zabrowski. You can't handle my balls!

That's Jack Nicholson, unfortunately from A Few Good Men. That's kind of like, but it's the same genre. I'm trying to figure out what the Crimson Tide, not Crimson Tide, right? Is it Crimson Tide? Crimson Tide, yes. Because Hunt from Red October with Sean Connery, he says it's okay to swap a woman

Yeah, and what was and you five seven one is Harrison Ford. Yeah, the bad one man. Yes. Yeah. Yeah And of course we have the eternal movie critic at Larson. Yeah Two thumbs down you idiot Right now is doing his first ever remote recording as a member of Last Podcast on the left. Tell me Eddie, how's that remod of treating you? I mean, it's going so well that I'm using the hot spot on my phone. Wow!

You're coming in nicely though. It's nice though, with the bed bugs, you know, I'm not sleeping alone tonight, so it's good. There's actually a couple of re- I did read a couple of rewrites of the scene between Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman and unforgiven where he really gets pretty involved, but it's so hard to do that. It's, it's hard to do both because gene Hackman's such a good actor. And I think that's the problem is it's hard to kind of capture his gravitas in a lemon slash fix. Like it's hard to get that in, like hearing him sucking Morgan for him,

like sucking his dick dry or like. It's the delivery with Gene Hackman. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't imagine him being like, Morgan, open up. That's as far as I, that's Gene Hackman foreplay. Okay. Yeah. Morgan, open up. Flip open. Do you think that he could yell while sucking dick because he's one of the great yellows Can show some spine man, oh

My god, no, man. He really did end his life like old yeller except You know the bullet was shot by his pacemaker. Come on. She says Christ He's on the road ladies and gentlemen, he's on the invasive species tour. He's doing stand up at night and he's fucking full of beans. He needs to get it out. Oh Marcus, I got you your jumbo shrimp shirt. Hey, two, three, four. We are the jumbo shrimp here to play a game. Ohosh! Ah! Very good. Still remembered after all these years. Is that hard?

Is that a comparable song? It was written by an idiot after all. I always remember that. That big ol' idiot who's now a father, somehow is upstairs and we continue to pay him. I want to say welcome to creepy pasta number 21. Jesus fucking Christ. We are old enough to drink. Yeah. Which means we're old enough to die internationally. And I hope that that's what this is really what it's about. Cause creepy pasta 21 is all about you're going to get drafted. It doesn't matter what age

you are. That's creepy. Just thinking about it, right? You know what I mean? Cause the 40 year olds are gonna come for us, they're gonna put us in the metal mussel grade. I think partly what we're gonna be doing is delivering adult diapers to people all through Eastern Europe, what used to be the Ukraine. And now I think that it's important that we party while we can.

Sure. Okay, because that's what's hard, is that, and creepypasta's all about getting spooky and feeling ooky with it Yeah, I think the beat the main thing is is that obviously if you're in your office right now The scariest thing you can do is work So I would say is to just quit that first of all quit that quit your fucking job man Your fucking job fuck your boss Quit your fucking job. Fuck your boss. Fuck this shit.

Close the laptop. They're watching you do your keyboard. How creepy is that? Your boss is watching your keyboard from his fucking cubicle, and he's jerking off thinking about your productivity levels. Yeah, man. How frightening is that?

All bosses are pieces of shit that suck and shouldn't exist. Yeah, fuck your boss. Fuck all bosses. Hey, hey, hey, hey. All right. Well, let fuck your boss fuck all bosses hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey What about what about the others? Others are getting trampled now. He can see concerned about the others not about us, but guys I Think now you go on to go to your weed your great. You've quit your job You're on your way home your wife or husband's like what are you doing here? I'm here with our four kids and you go shut the living fuck up and let me do what I need to do today

You're gonna go into your office. You're gonna pack a bowl. You're gonna pack that bong and you're gonna be and you don't care what everybody says there was crying You're just trying to detach from all your responsibilities Wait, guess what man soon as you fucking put that rim to your fucking hole It doesn't matter anymore because you have just become irresponsible Right, they can't hold you to shit Forms be nothing. It's just ink. What's ink? It's from squids What's that? Does he fucking matter dog? That's how we shut them down. All right. Oh auto sign doesn't count No, we don't know auto sign doesn't count Alright, so fucking you just chee bad shit and honestly switch the Indica in the afternoons

For yourself, so you get yourself good and high without a job you're without a future But you're ready to get really spooky for our episode. That's right creepypasta21 ladies and gentlemen Welcome officially. I'm gonna start off today's episode I was gonna start off with a poem just cuz I love the title so much. Where trod the black camel. That's like one of those libertarian journals. It does sound like something you'd buy at like a rifle show in like 1994. Yeah. Yeah. But the poem was terrible. So I'm not going to subject everyone to where trod the black camel. But

I will begin with a story. Um, a man goes into the desert. Uh, there's a gin, uh, of course writing a black camel, I believe. Uh, and the black camel, uh, is trotting, uh, upon the desert and steals the man's soul. I think it's Yeah, yeah horse with no name. Yeah, but it's a black camel. I'm just saying Yeah, similar team similar theme. Also, you're just you're not doing anything name the horse You know like you're just trying through the desert. You got you got nothing to do You have to fill an hour. You have to fill an hour tonight. You need to save this

You've heard this song horse in no name you've heard this song you spent it all this time Steve Steve Steve! Hey! I did it! Brian! Steve! Nay! Um... Eddie, write it down! Eddie, you got a flesh at the hour! Instead, I'm gonna start with a story um, submitted by a man named Daniel Hale

to the creepypasta site Bogleech still a wonderful site This is called the Splatterpunk Gospel Do you think he's related to Nathaniel? Hell? The American spy the American spy. Yeah. Yes, I do. Thank you I'll respect it now spies should not have names It's bad. It's bad for them, but they start with names. Yeah, you gotta have a name You gotta be called something and then erase them. Yeah. Cause they're still a W two double Oh seven. The English do it

right. I can go to the good day. Am I spy name? You gotta have a boring spy name. You have a great alias. Oh, I have my alias. I can't release it. No, of course you don't, but I just say it's, it's, it's wonderful. Yes. Yeah. Mine's too, mine's too fancy. Winton, Arthur Danforth, the third they're looking back. third. Yeah. Sebastian Maniscalco. Yeah. I believe I went to get the coffee. Everything's got whipped cream on it. So that's my special minus Calco. This is an excerpt from the clotted book, This is an excerpt from the Clotted Book, being the scriptures and commandments for the Church of Letting Blood. Cool.

The Vein is the beginning. The Vein is the end. The Vein is all. This is our world. This is our world of impure blood, scarred over from centuries flowing filth and disease, creating the prison systolic diastolic, making anatomy of sin. But there is only the vein, both ends joined in incestuous Ouroboros. The vein suckles itself, mindless machinery, oblivious to its gullet-reared children. Make no mistake that we are filth-born. We have poisoned the stream from our first bubbling breath, choking it with our soiled selves.

Would that we were fewer? That we had known what damage we were doing from the start? That we had known that this sickened meat creature was getting sicker still as our numbers grew? Would that we knew? Would that we knew? What's that we care and? Beyond Oblivion or redemption absence or occupation? Which truly would be better? What is the threat of hell without a heaven? Better that there be after at all even if it is torment it implies respite however it may come But none for us, but it's just about blood the vein has soiled us It has raised us from the odorous chime and will return us there for none remember the path

None remember death we practice death or believe we practice it. Our vessels shudder and disgorge their contents. Our ventricles spasm and tangle the works. We think we would be lucky to die in sleep without pain. Our loved ones pray for this because it would be most convenient. They hold their vigil by our bedside, clutch our shaking hands. Then, when the moment is gone, reassure themselves of the better place

that they were so kind to lead us to. And then the casket or the flame, the dirt or the ash. Thus dying quietly, we are complicit in the deception. Death must come obscene and uncaring. It must shake foundations, ruin delusions. It must remind that life cannot be extended, that no favors are owed to grieving lovers,

that bloodlines face extinction. Death will be dealt, and it must be dealt harshly. For in so dealing, the vein is dealt a slice in its cancerous carapace. Septic blood is spilled into the unknown void, Hastily disgorging the infidel. The blasphemous soul who wore his wounds with pride, Shook his exposed crimson bones and torn scraps of sinews to the outraged carrion flock. Then, serum speckled and silent,

they cannot deny there is meaningful death. Then they will know that the severance is at work beyond these cloying walls. Its nephalim speak volumes in the quiet behind their masks. They were totems of our degradation, not to mock us for our fantasy, but to defy the patronage of our heaping host. They claim nothing, not the favor of higher power,

nor the enlightenment of heretics. The processes of anatomy are awake in the world, even when the body is greatly reduced. The severance is inevitable. And I do not care if you trawled upon my dead body to do so, but I shall keep Brie Larson from entering the Marvel Cinematic Universe! No matter what, you try to do GASPING DEVILS! Our work is letting blood.

We serve the silver knives and the black galops, the blades and claws and eyes of the severals. The unbelievers follow the flow of their filth, and thus we must dam the flow, push its path to them. Do the sign. Your task is this. Go to the vessels. Speak as they do. Deal as they do.

Follow their paths until you surge to the front of the flock. Lead them to the blades, that you may know the severance as they will. Aeronite, your task is this. Caution the vessels. They will be young, with spiked in their longing hearts. Tell them something of what lies ahead, couch it in the fears their betters have known. Yours is a necessary task, and the Severance may choose to grant you reprieve from your suffering of age.

Ensure that the tide flows true, from now to the crumbling. The greater the pain of the vessels, the wider the stain their blood shall reach on those who remain in the Foundering Vane. Let the blood spill the fizz, sever the flesh. Very intense. Yeah. Is that the other chapter of the libertarian poetry book? Yeah, that camel poem must have really fucking sucked.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like it it because I like a performance aspect. Yeah. Mostly just yelling about veins and blood and blood severance and severance. Yeah. And Ouroboros. And this is not an Apple TV tie in.

It is not to the show severance. It is not, which I think is a different severance than this, but I refuse to watch it because I don't watch shows while they're on television Yeah, you could see that performed whenever we see moody blues in hell It would be good honestly that needs some good chugging net metal underneath. Oh, yeah Fick ass fucking sludge. Yeah. Yeah, get some sludge in the no. That definitely calls for some stone or metal without a doubt I went the opposite way. Okay, so I got just creepy stuff And I think that this is it's interesting because I went through some of our old

listener pastas and I went through some other forums I went through because I I always Struggle like with trying to find something that maybe is genuinely creepy. Yep, 20 times you've tried and 20 times you fail Yeah Maybe is genuinely creepy. Yep, 20 times you've tried and 20 times you fail. Yeah You are not genuinely creepy, you know, I'm sorry, but you're a clown I am I am ugly. Ah, she Killing someone and still make them laugh That better be my review on my murder Yelp So let's go and look at this is a story from one of our listeners oh

My god the actor Ryan Reynolds. Oh how nice I didn't know he was into this stuff It's from a man named Ryan Reynolds Ryan Rimmel Reynolds is quite a common name. Whoa. Yeah, I guess it is for you whites Unlike me what the pinks? Oh, yeah I'm European Okay, I think I'd know if I was white or not. You bleed mustard. That's yellow! This story is 100% true.

A little background information. Growing up, we never really had a close relationship with our grandparents on my mother's side. My grandfather was an alcoholic World War II veteran and my grandmother a housewife who married my grandfather out of wedlock sometime in the 1940s, hopefully after the war. From when I was told they never loved each other and just stayed together out of convenience in the old adage, misery loves company. In the early 1990s, I would have been a toddler and my two brothers a few years older than me.

This time period is when we were at my grandparents' home the most. I believe this was an attempt for my parents to try and garner a somewhat normal relationship with our grandparents. It always works like that. Always toss them an extra... with toxic people, more time the better. It always works out.

It never backs fires and they never manipulate your children from the inside out. No, no, no. Throw children into as many bad relationships as possible. Like if you can show them a really bad example of two people together. And let them sort it out. Provide no commentary. Because I'll always remember my grandmother just pinching really bad example of two people together. I let them sort it out. Provide no commentary. Because I always remember my grandmother just pinching my sister underneath the table

every time she tried to eat. And I always remember my grandmother grabbing me by my side meat and going, you eat chocolate and it's gonna give you a heart attack. I saw one of my great aunt for the first time. I saw her when I was a child and I saw her again. And how great was she horrible? She was I remember I saw her I hadn't seen her in 20 years

I show up and the first thing you got fat right out the gate as soon as I walked in the door I was like, I've always been fat Yes, you're still fat. Yeah, you were so fat when you were born They wrote a newspaper article about it a whole bunch of bunch of them! I still view him as just big. Yeah. Now, my grandparents' home was a ranch-style built house in a neighborhood constructed around the late 1950s. Ranch the dressing or the structure?

I think it's the dressing. Because we actually grew up in a Thousand Island style home. My grandfather took care of the property. my grandmother had an immaculate home. This is the type of home where plastic was on the furniture and the carpet was a sea foam green with mirrored squares glued to the living room wall. Exactly. I know this home. My grandparents had a living room we could not enter.

I don't remember much of the time spent at this home too much as they were just fleeting memories of my childhood that me nor my brothers put much value into later life. Later life. But one thing that we all remember was stairs. There was a set of stairs that ran down into a dark basement. A set of stairs. I thought they meant like the grandparents staring at them for hours on end. It's. That's just old grandpa peepers. I love my grandpa peepers always making sure I'm clean. Get your feet. Now get to the back of your legs.

Get the back of your legs. Yeah, good, good, good. Now you're wet. That's the way. Now get your front. Get your front. Get your front folds. Play with the tits.

That's just my first set of stairs. Yeah, second set of stairs Let me get my get my jeweler's glass second set of stairs is illegal That's what I'm looking inside your porthole That's molestation everybody mm-hmm now it seems worse than that You know what it's so much worse just to have you bend me over and look me in my butthole and not fuck me. There was a set of stairs and ran down to the dark basement where my grandfather's workshop was. This descended about 12 stairs down and sat between the kitchen and the garage. At the top, a landing no bigger than three feet by three feet sat nestled

at the top of the staircase. You know, feet by three feet sat nestled at the top of the staircase. You know, for somebody who didn't really think about it much, he sure does know a lot of details about dimensions. He's upset about the stairs. As children, me and my brothers would get really, really dark vibes and feelings when standing at this spot on the stairs. This even became like a child's horror game to stand on the landing for as long as you

could as some type of play on the Bloody Mary game. I remember around the time I was three I began having night terrors about the stairs. I do not remember the exact details, it was more of a sense of a fever dream that just rifled me with terror at night. These images would involve the stairs and a dim red light. This was something I couldn't explain or articulate to anyone as I was so young. Which I understand, you had reoccurring creepy dreams that I could not explain when I was a kid. Like I had a dream always that I was in a crib in a castle on fire. Yeah. I always had a dream that, you know, Greedo from Star Wars?

Yeah. Yeah, a bunch of them. But they were glowing blue and they all had different symbols on their chest with different ways to tickle me. And then they would all surround me and tickle me until I exploded and I would wake up. Do you think this is a play on some kind of inner anti-Semitic thought or something? Because Greedo was the evil, obviously he was the Jewish stereotype in a way. No, he wasn't. You're thinking of Watto.

I'm sorry. Yes. Watto was the obvious Jewish stereotype in episode one. I'm talking about Greedo, the green man that Han Solo shot in the Mos Eisley Cantina in episode four. I feel better now. You feel good now? Okay, good. Man, my regular dream was, you'll be ready this I was I'm in Africa on the beach and then an orca beaches itself and I'm trying to push it back into the water and I'm there with another guy who's like a

Soldier or something and then the orca rips his arm off and then like and then starts like thrashing around and the dude dies Bleeding screaming on the beach. Is this real? Yeah, this is real. I've had this dream more than once. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, and then I don't know what- You didn't say this through your entire SeaWorld series. Well, it had nothing to do with it. It was, you know-

It does. It had nothing to do with it. Exactly. Well, I'm saying it now. What the fuck? So anyway, there's a button. So then I look at, I don't know what to do. So I take the guy's gun

and I can't get the orca back in the water. So I just shoot the orca in the head, you know? And then I look down the beach and the beach is just like 20 More orcas and so I just got to walk down the beach and shoot each orca in the head You know it's sad, but you know things happen Shoot a bunch of whales in your dreams Of course you're obsessed with it yeah, yeah So, you know, but they die in my dreams, but most of them live in real life unless they're kept captured

Do we don't need to do that episode again? Why don't we just let the boy go? This reminds me of the murder sketch. Why didn't we let the boy live? As I grew up, we grew away in a relationship with my grandparents as they didn't seem interested in fostering a relationship with us as grandchildren specifically without going into too much detail. It was shed to light that they were extremely cruel and toxic people. When I was in my early 20s I was having a talk with my dad, like one of those talks when you sit down with a cigar and talk about the crazy stuff you did when you were young, about the repercussions since you are an adult now. The discussion of my grandparents came up

as they recently had sold their home and all of their possessions and were placed in retirement and hospice living. Good for them. After a few back and forth jabs about the plastic covers on the furniture and the porcelain cat statues, the stairs came up. I said, hey, remember those stairs to that house? Those were severely creepy, especially for the ambiance of that house. My father became seemingly uncomfortable. He went quiet for a while and proceeded to tell me

a personally haunting story for him. My father stated in the 1980s he was a motorcycle mechanic working at a shop that was privately owned. The owner we will call Jack became one of his best friends and they regularly hung out, fixed stuff, drank beer. Cool guy stuff. Did you say fixed stuff, drank beer? Fixed stuff. Did you say fix stuff, drink beer? Fix stuff.

Fix stuff. Fix stuff like guys do. Yeah, it was fixing stuff and they're all fixing each other and they're all wet. What do you think thick stuff would be? Like someone said like, hey, come on over, we're gonna do some thick stuff. Yeah, thick stuff, I know what that means.

What does it mean? It means jamming things inside of me, in my mouth and my butthole. Except if it's Eddie you if I'm talking to Eddie then it means barbecue yes and if Limp Bizkit were carpenters they could change their song to thick stuff I mean that would also that would hurt the whole brand they can't be fixing this now he said that his buddy Jack had a wife and three young children my father stated that one

day Jack had gone home after work and opened the garage door to go inside, and he said that Jack's wife's car was in the garage running. Jack's wife was in the car dead. Jack went to the door that leads inside from the garage to call 911 from the kitchen, but the door was blocked. Jack went through the front door to find his three children dead on the landing above the stairs. His wife had committed suicide by running the car in a closed garage and locked the car going into the garage from the kitchen. The children waited on the landing for their mother to come back inside and died as well

from the carbon monoxide. This broke Jack as obviously his whole family was dead in a tragic manner. The house went up for sale as soon as he couldn't bear to live there anymore and a few months later My grandparents bought that exact house Let me specify this wasn't because they were financially broke and it was their only option or anything like that I turned flush after hearing this one that my grandparents were so terrible They bought a house their son-in-law's best friend family had died in, but also the torture my dad had to endure every time we visited them. I've had a few paranormal experiences, but when someone asks me if I believe in the paranormal

or afterlife energy type stuff, I tell them this story. I was a kid, I didn't know any of the backstory, yet the same exact spot where his kids died, me and my brothers, three children, just as Jack's family could feel the despair And horror I've driven by the house once in a while over the past decade to see a new family living there and wonder if they Feel the presence of the dead kids on stairs knock ask But you know the kids died there of course you have those feelings Well, no, she's saying they said that he did not know they didn't know his kid when they were kids

They didn't know he didn't know until he was older. Yeah, there was creepy, but this is like what a great opportunity Nothing would be better being like do you know who died in this house? Regis fielded, you know you can make up a bunch of shit I mean, it's the only you get to stay who goes there and all that stuff I mean you would not go to knock on like when you're a patty God rest your soul if she ever passes alive She's alive if when if if she ever passes I don't think she'll die is that if we go to sell that house, which is extremely haunted It's the same then you can hang out outside of that house and tell people that it's extremely

haunted. No, she left the haunted house like 20 years ago. We can go to that house and tell them it's haunted whenever we should. Yeah, that was that one's in Linden. If you're going to do that, I think the polite thing to do is instead of telling them the whole story, write up a little one sheet of what happened, slip into the door, slip into the door and say, I shall return on the morrow Man we're leaving we ought to do this. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a good thing to do to just anybody I probably do it at the Ramada tonight

Is there wailing coming from your room like right in sharp even I hear a ghostly moaning coming from your room like right in sharpie been like I hear a ghostly moaning coming from your room Yeah, if it's not you duck All right, I got a story Marcus sent me this one is very sweet This is this one that I I saw this one and it reminded me of murder fest All right, I had things gone a different direction All right, had things gone a different direction It's called audience Audience it's called audience

By the audience Ron and we live for the applause. Oh, that's a great song Ron Mac Gillevray, thank you Mac Ron Macphoe Gillevray for sending this all right I Had recently moved to New York, and I was taking the subway back home It was just me this homeless man next to me and a bunch of other people around my area Everything was pretty peaceful so I decided to distract myself by taking out my phone and opening Twitter. As I was scrolling down the page the homeless guy next to me moved forward leaned in and said, my name's Terry. I was at the show once I ignored him started checking my newsfeed. I've had so many of these fucking interactions. I've had so many of his I do comedy too. You want to hear something? Okay. The gremlin

is my brain. Say don't kill you right now.. Looks to me like you got a bag of doodles with you. What you planin' on doin' with that? You wanna see mine? No, I'll cover the shit. Yeah. You know why? I'll show ya. Yeah, it's right here.

The bag is my asshole. Sorry, that was my punchline. That was my big tag phrase. He started again. No, really? I was, it was avant-garde. We would walk around town and act out these little plays in public. Some people ignored it, but they were always others who paid attention and loved it. You never man. How is it right? Whenever Greg Robinson did a show with the store last night apparently for nine people Alright, it happens. We came 110%

That's right, even if there was nobody Some of our best shows were in front of nobody Really? Honestly, no one ever saw our best work That's called rehearsal. No Yeah with an empty house I've been in you there Yeah, I was there and I've been a dozen bands over the years and when you play to nobody It's a public rehearsal, but it's kind of almost better than a show. I Surprisingly wasn't sad about it

Anyway, I was sad. I didn't answer I tried to use my silence to tell him to leave me alone But he kept talking. Yeah, it was pretty great We'd act like morons give speeches and shit Just having fun acting out little scenes wherever we felt like it. We were doing it for ourselves. That's what he thought We just always felt like somebody was watching we really realized we were playing it all out in front of a real Audience we started hearing them around us. I Was this is such a oh my god. This really really makes me sad. This really fucking makes me sad. We used to say stuff like this.

You just say, it's all about just building a place. They'll come, they'll come to the show. They'll have to come. They'll hear the circus. Everyone loves a circus. I was listening to him, if only to know what was going through this crazy person's head He he looked up at me and this crazy look came into his eyes We can hear the real audience

The one we knew we were playing for all along so we changed the show. Maybe it was more edgy, you know exciting Show maybe it was more edgy, you know exciting We'd wait till people were alone and then we'd hurt him. Yeah Give a real hard time and shit, you know We had total freedom anything Anything we wanted. We could... Anything. Or anyone. Now,

I feel like I'm just at the store. I feel like I'm talking to a stand-up comedian. Now, I was fully listening to this guy's story, but when I turned to look at him, his hand was deep in his pants. Yeah. Shocked, I turned to the other people on the train with me,

but they were ignoring it. One woman in a suit shrugged her shoulders as if saying, sorry, your problem. I had never hated someone as much as I did in that moment. Aw, whatever, man. He's just trying to make it. He's a comedian. The pervert next to me continued. Yeah! Anything, man! We started like really hurting people, you know

To like a lost Asian The train that just visiting New York you I see Eddie at 28 years old like little bit like yeah Yeah, we do a lot of fucked up shit at night here. You're like yeah. Yeah, you guys are going out to eat not me I'm going out to drink. I don't eat going out to eat not me I'm going out to drink I don't eat yeah well the the whole show shifted when we first killed someone yeah yeah the first time it was an accident but the audience loved it man they cleaned it all up almost licked it clean now we had to give them what they wanted. We started killing more people Doing awful things to him. He's still at his hands at his pants when he said And then he began to pant loudly

Yeah, we did whatever we wanted man whatever we desired Ah, yeah, we did whatever we wanted, man. Whatever we desired. We'd catch people alone and devour them, use them, and the audience cleaned it up. Nothing could touch us. We were primal, like animals, totally free. We'd kill kids, animals. There's so much pent up in us. It was like a breath of fresh air, letting it

all out. His hand was out of his pants as soon as he stopped talking and he grabbed me by the neck. He forced me to turn. Same hand. Yeah. Oh yeah huh get some hand sanitizer mm-hmm He forced me to turn to his dirty face, and I was too terrified to fight back at all he Looked deep into my eyes and smiled widely That was when the train started slowing down It wasn't screeching to a halt just slowing like time itself was stopping outside the window I stared at the people around me yet Somehow didn't notice the homeless man's face went blank then and he let me go I

breathed a sigh of relief and he got up Said to no one in particular No guys, she's okay. We'll have a show later. Then the train started to speed up. But not by much. Time seemed to be shifting back to normal, but we were still in the tunnel.

I looked back to the homeless man as he walked casually to the doors. It took a moment to explain to myself what was happening. Then I stared in other shock as every person that had been around me got up and moved down to the same doors. They stared at me with bored looks and a couple of them smirked with pure malice in their eyes. Then the same businesswoman who had shrugged said, Sorry folks, really, show's over. Terry said to leave her.

Then from all around me came sighs. From every direction and every place came disappointed, resigned size. I looked around wildly for loudspeakers or microphones, but I found none. The voices were coming from no one, yet I could feel them all around me. Then time shifted abruptly back to normal and the train pulled into the station. I was hyperventilating, not able to piece together the train of events. The group shuffled out of the station and Terry said to the group pointing to a teenager going up the escalator to the exit, there, he's perfect. And the entire- Why not the woman? Why not the woman?

He didn't like her. She wasn't good enough. And the entire group of people followed him out of the station towards the boy as the sounds of claps and hollers that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere echoed through the station. The woman was in on it! Yeah, you know what it feels like? You know what it honestly feels like? This is, this whole thing, it's like the Merle Haggard thing.

You're playing to the audience that shows up. That's right. Like all of this stuff is about like, no, you have to curate your audience. You can't just play to whoever's around there telling you what to do. You can't listen to just the audience telling you what to do. What subway station do you imagine here? I imagine Hoyt skimmerhorn I literally wow weird. Yeah, it's really weird. I also thought g-train. Yeah. Yeah for sure Do you train at a definite g-train feel you know what there needs to be a pill? That makes comedians feel like this

that makes comedians feel like this. And we will cut some of the pack down. If we just give people the idea that they're being watched by an audience, maybe that will actually help some of us stop. Yeah, so you want to induce schizophrenia in people. Honestly, if I could just feel beloved, I wouldn't have to do this ever again. If I can fill that hole inside of me, I could be a happy person, but I don't think I can't schizophrenia should be our new sketch group name. Whoa. Schizophrania. Yeah. With the skits. Yeah. Schizophrania.

And it's all for free. And it's you're. Yeah. Street performers. We bring skits at you. Yeah. You want skits too fucking bad. That's our tag. That's the tag. Yeah. But you are bringing skits. What do you mean?

You say you want skits too fucking bad. That implies that you're not giving them skits, but you're, you are forcing skits upon people. I'm giving, I'm letting you know that I'm going to bring skits by asking you, but I don don't care what the answer is and if you say yes, we probably won't do skits Skechophrenia Now it's getting serious All right, my next story is by an author named Neon Minerva. Ooh. It's called Dreams of a Rotted Mind.

All right. It's a... vignettes. Yeah. A few vignettes. This is a chapter in the Zizian Manifesto. Far away, in a desolate, horrid, rotten land where almost nobody lives anymore, there lies a small man rotting on the ground. Even his mind starting to rot.

Ah! Don't you wonder what his dreams are like? They're bad. They're not nice, they're not nice. Hey, I just did that character. They're not nice. First- This is a stupider version. This is a stupider version of Terry.

First dream. Six people sit in a waiting room. Pictures of teeth and eyes cover the walls. A nurse walks out and approaches a man. The wretch says you're weird. The man walks off, frustrated with this outcome. Several minutes pass before she comes out again and approaches a woman. The wretch says you're stupid. She looks as though she's about to punch the poor nurse in the nose.

She walks out. About an hour passes and one man checks his watch. The nurse finally walks out again. The wretch says you're a dead man. He feels all his teeth melting in his mouth and spits them out into the garbage can, nearly throwing up in the process. His eyes snap out of their sockets and blood sprays from them as if under high pressure, he feels like several holes have been poked into his heart.

His body shrivels to a point where it doesn't look human anymore. I'm sorry. Ah! Ah! Ah! I think this whole thing's an allegory about healthcare. I think so.

Dream number two. The girl knocked on the door. Earlier, a man had complained, said that they were making too much noise. But it seemed pretty quiet to her. When nobody answered her knocks, she tried opening herself. It was unlocked. Nothing could be seen in the room until she flipped the light switch. She saw things you never should have

Yeah, humanoid creatures were cutting into each other with knives They had no blood and they were easily cut through like clay cool one had its head cut off and was still moving cool She heard somebody call from the other room and when she entered another woman was trapped beneath a sticky Flesh-colored substance help me help it. That's exactly what she said sticky, flesh-colored substance. Help me, help, it's... That's exactly what she said. Help, help me, help, help, it's a big pink snowman. There's a pink snowman on me.

Help me, the woman cried, and her skin rolled down her face with her tears. A hand came out of the wall and ran to the woman's hair, pulling out clumps of coagulated blood. Come one! It said. The woman's head fell. The girl screamed and knew she had to get out.

She will never forget what she saw that day. I gotta stop taking melatonin! This stuff's not good! It's not good, I'm not good! Dream three. I don't want to have one of these dreams. I swear. I have a nice dream me hanging out with Hayden penitent Hey from heroes Whole day a CW star I love it. Oh, yeah the flesh

Dream 3 I Started the day like any other I ate breakfast and left my apartment Nobody I saw in the streets had any facial features apart from dense whether I have been, which seemed to be colored in with black marker. Then I saw him. The odd one out among the crowd. A guy who still had his face intact. He motioned for me to walk into an alley. Closer please. I don't know why, but I trusted him. I don't know why I trusted him, but I did. In the alley, two other people lay sleeping. Close my eyes for just a second. And in that impossibly small bit of time, everything went horribly wrong. The man I trusted now had a radio for a head, playing a horrible,

grating static noise that nobody should ever be forced to hear. This is about the media! The person on my right had only a large mouth fleshy mass with a zipper down its front, trying to unzip itself with its spindly legs. I'm trying to change into my bathing suit. And when I change into my bathing suit, it's so hot outside. I might go down to the Hasholdale pool. Then the entire world fell apart.

I don't even remember my name anymore. I don't remember who I am. I don't even remember my name anymore. I don't remember who I am. I don't know where I am either. All I remember is that one day... The Rotted Man woke up! He started walking. A large green pyramid looming above him. Bass Pro Shops!

My favorite place in Memphis. He walked and kept walking past all the remnants of a time where life existed. He just kept walking in his own personal nowhere. Thank God I got my AirPods! Yeah, kind of sounds nice Yeah, yeah, just a break walk in in his own personal nowhere towards a green pyramid. Yeah, it's been an afternoon doing that Yeah, me on four edibles on a plane. Yeah, it's like a happy pasta. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll relax a pasta. Yeah. Yeah, cuz that's kind of nice Now I just took this story From this is from the random Redditor,

this is in a true scary story, I just read this, and it was just, I thought it was interesting. It was a subtle ghost story. Oh, okay, all right. I shall listen closely for the subtleties. Odyssey pop. Odyssey pop? That's the name of the person who wrote it.

Okay. What's the name of the story? It's called I Heard My Friend's Deceased Husband. Oh, okay. That's the name of the story? It's called. I heard my friend's deceased husband. Oh, okay That's fun. Did he fart after death? Yes Yes, Eddie He was big enough farting and drinking pests so all he heard cheer the As you always cuz he always had a big Stanley brim into the rim with fucking hot pests and his is just On it. That's so cool, man

It's cool his own pest or somebody else's whatever you get. Okay, whatever was hot piping hot I Was sometimes it's nice you pop in the microwave if this has been sitting out I Was house pet sitting for my next door neighbor, friend, Angel, while she was in Hawaii. She's a widow and I was just taking care of her two cats and elderly Yorkie. All I did was feed them, play with them, clean their litter box. It's cute. Fun times. It's cute. Then while she was still gone, her dog passed away. I called her, did what she needed to be done, and put him in the freezer.

Like she asked. Great. That night after everything settled, I went out to the way. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So the dog died and the friend said, put it in the freezer till I get back. Literally just said, Hey, pop it in there. If you could move the nugs to the queen's fridge in the garage, then I could get some time. Cause it's a Yorkie. Yeah. Yeah. Yorkie's are very small. Some people have. Some people have an extra freezer that's just a freezer. I can't believe that the two of you are not looking at this as an issue of like, hey, put the dead dog in the freezer. And the two of you are looking at it as a space issue.

Yeah, you got to wrap it up. I mean, it's better in the freezer than getting out in the elements is exploding. If you wrap it in a bunch of plastic and stick in a couple of paper bags, it's not going to do too much. Yeah. It'll stay for years. It depends on how it died. Like train. Don't put it in the freezer. Yeah. I'm not going to scoop it up. Yeah. Okay. All right. It needs to be either. It needs to have done like to be honest in a moment of pure rationalness hung itself with the rope

Or yeah, or you know choked itself in the end the stove, but I think that yeah, it has to be one piece Yeah, I haven't grown up in the country I'd need when I hear dead dog my mind immediately goes to violence because I only had one dog that did not die by violent Means no no no this is a dog that had checked its way out old-fashioned style Yeah, yeah, a dog trough. Yeah, went into the house, didn't come back. Now it's in the freezer. Beat to death by hammers.

You're right. That's the hardest part. That's one of the hardest deaths to deal with as a pet owner because we all go through it at least once. Yeah. Goddamn automatic hammers. I'm sick of these automatic hammers. Everywhere you go, you got to get the, keep, you know, watch your dog around these automatic Goddamn automatic hammers

Everywhere you go you gotta get the people you know why you know watch your dog around these automatic cameras Hey, sorry, so I was like I was hanging around your house, and I saw this button and the automatic hammer button I pushed it The automatic hammer machine Alright Thanks The automatic hammer machine It's a common mistake it happens is that this is the third time I've had a Yorkie I need to stop putting it right next to the toilet flusher. I need a great day Something maybe could just get this we just get his head in there I guess That night after everything settled I went out to the back patio for smoke Around midnight. I started packing up my stuff turning up the lights and getting ready to go home, and then I heard it a

bark but not from a dog Was a man's voice bark yep like someone imitating a bark bark bark bark bark bark I Stopped turn around and looked my house to the left of angels There's a vacant house to the right behind her place is another house with motion sensor lights, and there's no one there Then I heard it again once bark then twice bark bark something like someone was just standing Just in the other side of the fence Messing with me hold on a second Marcus. Are you an actor?

Thank you Specialize in interspecies performance. Oh, yes. Yes very much. Now. Can you please do a cat meow? Get it out of here The barking got louder bark bark more frequent bark bark bark bark like whoever was doing it was having way too much fun scaring me But bark bark bark and the weirdest part it didn't feel like a person Oh, I don't explain it, but something about it was just wrong. Okay off The just wrong okay off but I know I needed nope the hell out of there so I ran the barking got louder as I booked it but the second I reached the front yard

silence I didn't stop until I was inside my house. My husband called me down, listened to the whole thing, and said it was probably just some idiot playing a prank. Definitely not him. I wanted to believe him, but I was still freaked out. Fast forward to a few days. I was outside smoking with my mother-in-law, and I randomly brought it up, told her the whole story She barely reacted just not just nod and said oh, yeah, that's Rex

No, she's what she was more like More badger like oh, yeah, that's right I was like I'm sorry what she explained that angels late husband Rex Used to bark at her from over the fence as a joke and the next day I told angel and she confirmed yep That was something old Rex used to do I Still won't go back there at night afraid of the bark okay afraid of the bark okay afraid of the bark afraid of the bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark That's just a vocal tick. Now it's just a vocal tick. But yeah, she's just afraid of the guy going bark. Why? Because you don't like it. Is it like, what is it like? It's a ghost dog?

No, it's a ghost man. No, it's a ghost man pretending to be a dog. And a man with a dog's name. Yes. A man named Rex who barks at people with his voice, but it's not a dog, it's in fact a man. He's actually a ghost. And now it barks as a ghost, as, but it's not a dog, it's in fact a man. He's actually a ghost. And now it barks as a ghost, as a man pretending to be a dog.

And just happened to show up the same night that the friend- Bark bark. Put the Yorkie's corpse in the freezer. Had to pop him in there. Yeah, had to pop him in there. Bark bark. Bark bark. Because who else would?

She's the only one there with the Yorkie. Yorkie's not going to do it himself. And it's true. What does one have to do with the other? What do you mean the freezer the dead dog and the bark bark to be honest? It's just one of those weird things when you read these creepypastas people just throw kind of random factoids in there That's one of those where you're like that day That's actually the creepiest part of this whole thing is that there's a dog in the freezer And she's a man ghost. You went there and you went like,

oh no. Can you mention, cause just see, I could just see the York Yorkie with like the terrified frozen look on its face of death. You know, and then I, part of me wonders if she, did she end its life? Yeah. Cause it go back to the part where she talks about the dog dying because they really just scooted right over that. She just went, she was like, it was just like, it really was pretty much like an afterthought. Yeah. Maybe the freezer killed the dog. Well that's, that is more finished the job.

That's cold motor. Then while she was gone, I was taking care of her elderly Yorkie. Then while she was gone, her dog passed away. I called her, did what needed to be done and put him in the freezer like she asked now I feel like well that could be murder. I Called and then the term I did what needed to be done is doing a lot of work here well I think I did what needed to be done is more like I wrapped a dead dog in a bunch of plastic bags and

Is more like I wrapped a dead dog in a bunch of plastic bags and put it in a freezer Like I handled a dead dog or is it because it maybe it got caught in the automatic camera machine Yeah, it's actually just lost its its legs and organs have been shattered Yeah, it didn't get the head the head's still alive going Yeah, she bark bark bark bark and then she had a beated to death with her Birkenstocks No, I think or she put it in the bag and suffocated it. There's a good way to end the show. It really is people Discussion I'd never do that to you. Georgie

Georgie can't yeah, Georgie came in to record today. Come girl. No Georgie, we'd never put you out of your misery. We're gonna elongate your life way past its natural. Did you see the stuff where they got the pills that can extend a dog's life? By how long? Do not tell Julie about these pills. It's pills? It can extend a dog's life, but apparently though, it it does sort of the dog does live but its brain is in the event horizon hell world yeah but it's still alive

okay so you so you just have a lump of hairy flesh that could see the liberate to take me where we are going we do not need eyes to see daddy car me sounds like something that comes out of the necronomicon it's like a necronomicon pill yeah they're gonna make it come to life but no that's true it's it's going to elongate their lives but I don't know what that means I feel like a lot of people talk about this elongating your life process but it's at what points getting elongated right like so do I just get to be a hundred years old longer? Yeah, because does that that seems like that sucks dick. No do I get to be 50 years old longer? No, that well where we're at right now is like you're trying to make like your 30s last in well into your 50s

That's what you try to make your 50s last in your 70s That's what you want me and you better and then you make your 70s last in your hundreds And then you make your hundreds last so the fuck in 200s, then we could finally eat bugs. Yeah, you can eat bugs now They're pretty gross We won't even know that they're bugs and here's hoping go to patreon.com Slash last podcast and left to look at us now. We have entered we've ended this show Yeah, we've ended the show Yeah

If you wanted to see Georgie on camera go go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left to see video episodes. And while you're there for a very reasonable price, you can see last stream on the left every Tuesday at 6pm PST, 9pm EST. You get to see it raw and uncut and live and you get to interact with us. And we also have a lot of big, we have special programming coming up for this the Stream which are really excited for and just like next week. We're coming back back to series. We're gonna do a bunch of we got a bunch of thick ass shit. Yeah

Now we're gonna push out the hole And we released our schedule for the rest of the year So go to last podcasts on a left.com and check out all the shows we got coming up. Of course we're coming to the sample joke for tonight. Oh Jesus. Come on. Give him a sample joke. Any. I did the same with the other show where we did it at Huntsville. I did that. And now for your closing joke and Larson, do you know what the, um, the hidden tragedy of nine 11 is? What? Never forget. Used to belong to the elephants. This is what he did at the Huntsville show. Same reaction. No Marcus

last I love it. I love it, but you're going to see more of that, but he's going to do a lot more specific material. Yeah. So yeah, this comes out on Friday. Do you have any, if someone's listening to this on Friday, where can they see it? City right now? I have been Panama city with Amber Nelson. She jumped on just for the Panama city tour. She was just there for spring break. I don't know why, but so she's doing the shows in Panama. She's trying to get herself a young book. And then Sunday in Tallahassee with Danny Bedrosian is almost sold out So make sure you check it out

But more importantly last podcast and I left added a shit ton of shows and we're coming to you Starting after we're going Detroit, Toronto, Atlanta Salt Lake City, Charlotte Durham, St. Paul, Minnesota Milwaukee, Oakland Cleveland and Portland for two nights go to our website and check that out and get tickets. It's gonna be a great year. The Ryman was awesome, man. I had such a good time. That was our best show. It was incredible.

It was. It was easily our best show. It was so much fun. Thanks everyone in Nashville who came out for that one to come see us. Such an historic venue. It's always a pleasure to play the Ryman and to put our own little mark on it. We're gonna put big old mark on your fucking ass See the show hell Satan pieces shit. Yeah, fuck all the hell gene

I appreciate all of you very much and fuck all you dirty fucking dogs. I think you're very nice whatever dude Whatever would fucking whatever dad go to buy yourself. Hail, Florida. I'll see you If you read if you read the egg game chapter in the book I explain it okay, all right good I won't do My fuckers