Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 618: Martin Bryant Part I - The Most Irritating Man in History

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

This week, the boys begin the story of a national tragedy that ultimately led to massive legislative changes to firearm laws across Australia and the collection/destruction of over a million firearms. We're headin' down to Tasmania for the story of the Port Arthur Massacre and the most irritating man in history, Martin Bryant. For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. You've got your glazed. That's when the cannibalism started. Who's that? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm crying. I crying crying cuz I'm too dark

Gotten so dark I'm dark and mysterious you are yeah, I mean Trent Reznor hanging out. Yeah, the two of you I could not see a better duo out there having fun. He's in a pod eating sliders Here's Trent Reznick there's me hanging out just sitting there just be like hey Feel a mr. Rezner do you ever feel like you maybe you're too sad Ever thought about adding some down now, but now but now And some down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down a guy. The perfect drug is that heroin. The perfect drug for me. It's a leave because it's really helps me with my joy. Mr. Reznor come back. Well, I'm going to last podcast on the left ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus parks. I'm talking on your tunic. Mr. Reznor, please just let me in the club house. Let me hang out with you. I'm dark

I'm here with Trent Reznor's new best friend Henry Zabrowski speeds your buddy. I got that gum you like You want some cinnamon gum? I know it's super hard to chew which is what you like and Some people have called him the perfect drug. His name is Ed Larson. That's right I only listen to Trent Reznor because I like Atticus Finch Nice. Yeah, put them both together. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah, I'm in that He's the guy who makes all the soundtracks with now. I understand After we saw Nick Cave, I did not understand that Warren Ellis wasn't the comic book writer Warren Ellis I had to argue with I don't know if you remember but after we left the Nick Cave show

I might have been intoxicated I had to argue with I don't know if you remember but after we left the Nick Cave show I had to argue with you for a good two to three minutes in the Uber that the war and all that plays with Nick Cave is not the same that writes the comic books and I not believe me I still don't I mean he looks like a prospecting wizard Alan Moore he looks just like Alan Moore Yeah, he does look like Alan Moore about Warren Ellis does not look like. Have you seen Alan Moore? He looks just like Alan Moore. Yeah, he does look like Alan Moore, but Warren Ellis does not look like Warren Ellis. Because you know what it is? It's the pewter rings. That's what I thought because all comic book writers that we have met, tell me I'm- don't tell me I'm wrong. Yeah.

Every comic book writer I've ever met loves giant pewter rings. Oh, James Tenia doesn't wear pewter rings. No, but it's in his heart. Today on last podcast on the left, we're starting a new true crime story. Ladies and gentlemen, we're covering one of the biggest in history today. We're going to be covering the port Arthur massacre and its perpetrator, Martin Bryant. Yeah. Best to ever do it. Is that true? No, no, no, no. He slid down the list. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, that's if we're going

to be dickheads about it, I feel like the guy from a university of Texas, probably the best. Oh, you're talking about the OG Whitman. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like, if any of them had talent, people can't see you do the quote Talent maybe we could say skill Charles Whitman is like the Madonna of mass shooters. He started it all you're meaning you really kind of set the template one more share So Martin Brian, aka the most irritating man in history was the perpetrator of the 1996

Port Arthur Massacre on the Australian island of Tasmania in which 23 people were wounded and 35 were killed. Using an AR-15, a semi-automatic 308, and a shotgun Martin killed with incredible speed and utter cruelty murdering 12 people and wounding

10 in just the first 15 seconds of the massacre Bryant even took a hostage and the ordeal only ended when the bed and breakfast he'd barricaded himself inside began to burn down from a fire Bryant had set himself And the cops arrested him in the B&B's front yard naked because his clothes had been burned away He's a dumber version of Wile E. Coyote I've been trying to figure out which cartoon character Martin Bryant is Because the more you watch him the more you realize that he really was in his entirely own world He's an unreal person. Yes, totally unreal character. You're talking about doing mass shootings will walk around going

You like you like whistling and snapping and like laughing and walking around like he's essentially in my mind Which Marcus didn't necessarily agree with but I see him as like Roger Rabbit necessarily agree with but I see him as like Roger Rabbit Imagine Roger Rabbit with Antisocial personality disorder and an extremely easy to use assault rifle. Can this guy sing? Yeah, I mean, I don't know He seems strong though, I mean you're carrying around an AR-15 and a shotgun and like all those rounds Yeah, he actually was like they said he was naturally like athletic but actually look pretty big But also they're built they are made completely easy to shoot. They have no recoil Anybody could shoot a child can shoot it a 14 year old can shoot near a president

We do know but while the Port Arthur Massacre was the deadliest mass shooting in world history at the time, mass shooting being defined as five or more people killed in a single incident, thank you, it has since been bumped down to number 11. Because of Australia's response to the massacre, however, there has not been a single mass shooting in Australia since Port Arthur. See, after unstable 29-year-old Martin Bryant purchased an arsenal of guns without licenses using money he inherited from an eccentric middle-aged gambling heir, Australia as a whole decided that there really was no way of preventing people like Martin Bryant from obtaining weapons of mass death. So instead of throwing up their hands and saying that mass shootings were just something we all had to deal with as a part of our everyday lives, Australia

put strict gun control laws in place and as a result Australia has not had a mass shooting in exactly 29 years as today is coincidentally as it always is the anniversary of the Port Arthur massacre. Yeah Didn't realize that when we scheduled it we mean it we really did not realize Yeah, if we realize it would have been the 30th anniversary. Yes, we gotta do around 29 yeah, very strange, but you know, this is I'm just glad we learned our lesson. Yeah America. Yeah, how many times? I mean, you know, it's more the lesson really for me is always is a live and let live Now we're trained on how to not get shot when they happen. Yes. Yeah, that is true

No, it's like I'm totally trained to like look at the exits at every place. I enter Yeah, I know when I hear something like a car report, like a loud noise from something and stuff, and I'm scared in a public place, it's nice to feel the heart rate rise because I didn't get cardio that day. It's helping. It's actually really helping with the obesity epidemic. It really does. Yeah, because, you know, you get stronger every time you pick up a woman as a human shield. You get stronger every time you pick up a woman as a human shield Unfortunately, it's got to be somebody's near the end of life. They make great human shit. Your life has been great, right? But really when it comes to the gun control issue the keywords here are

People like Martin Bryan because as we're gonna see over the course of this series There really wasn't anything that anyone could have done to put Bryant on a non sociopathic track Because people did try again and again throughout his life See this isn't the story of a kid slipping through the cracks who could have turned from the path of mass murder if only Someone would have reached out rather this story is proof that some people are just straight up bastards from birth and there's very little that any of us can do about it. Dude, I knew this kid when my mom was watching like she was babysitting. There was one kid who was just awful. Yeah.

His name was Adam. He ended up being like when I met him when he was older and he ended up being completely normal. Just straightened out. Yeah, just straight now, but like I remember like as a child I have this distinct memory of him ripping off his diaper looking my mom dead in the eyes and then just putting the shit on the wall That's that kids as a four-year-old Strong ass baby that understands Boundaries and and I mean order the deal It's a strong ass baby that understands their boundaries.

And I mean, order the deal. Now Australia very much did not want information about Martin Bryant to be available, so as to deny him the satisfaction of being known. This is a lot like how New Zealand has tried to erase the 2019 Christchurch shooter from the pages of their history altogether. Well there is also a cultural thing in Australia, and in Oceania, right? The idea of not putting out the, and not talking about the shooter themselves.

Yeah. But we're of the opinion that telling these stories can be helpful, because they might result in someone recognizing the signs of an upcoming mass shooting event. Because we all know we're years away from any meaningful legislation being passed here in America. Years!

Ha ha ha! Decades! May! Maybe never! Never, never, yeah. We're years away from any meaningful legislation being passed here in America Once the solar flare comes and wipes out the internet and then the first stockpile guns and ammunition goes away That's when we're really gonna start talking about banning those guns. Yeah And while I do understand Australia and New Zealand's motivation in wanting to forget people like Martin Bryant ever existed, or from even acknowledging they exist in the first place, I'm also of the opinion that whether it's one victim or 35 choosing to cover some true crime stories and not others, it's kind of hypocritical. Plus, there's the fact that even though Martin Bryant is an annoying shithead on every level, his story is still utterly fascinating. It's kind of because he's annoying, Shadap. Yeah.

And again, never deny what makes you special. So for our two sources today, we used Port Arthur, a story of strength and courage by Margaret Scott. That's for information on Tasmania and the shooting itself. While Born or Bred by Robert Wainwright and Paolo Tottaro, that's the only real source of information about Bryant's life. We use that for his biography. Now, before we get in a Martin Bryant's life story,

it might behoove us to talk a little bit about the history of Tasmania itself, because there is a fascinating connection between Martin Bryant and the island's past. To wit, Bryant's history is directly related to Australia's history as a penal colony for the British, and Port Arthur itself, the site of Bryant's history is directly related to Australia's history as a penal colony for the British and Port Arthur itself the site of Bryant's massacre only existed as a tourist town whose main attraction was an historic British colonial Penitentiary now what I hope you guys do we talked about this before the show is that I would I hope you guys do as an

Audience is it's time to take your history aids prep Especially if you're not gonna wear full body head condom in order to list this because the history we're about to traffic it, because I laughed when I read the script because they were like, you know, we like to set up context here. But then immediately it was like back in 1789.

I was just like, holy shit, oh God no. Oh no, two episodes on Tasmania's rocks. It's important for the historical context and it's also fascinating stuff. I mean to give a brief history of Australia's founding. All right, kids, you fall asleep. I'm railing your mother in front of you. That's a stepdad's run in the school. Better than coffee. Kids, if you fall asleep, I'm railing your mother in front of you. Alright? That's how step dads run in the school.

Better than coffee. The British, prior to 1776, sent many of their convicted felons to their American colonies. Basically, crime had hit a high in England in the 18th century, and since they weren't executing people for petty crimes anymore, they didn't have enough prisons to hold all their criminals. So many British criminals were first sent here to America. It's a little known fact about America, is that there's a lot of convicts who are early sellers.

I had a feeling, I also feel like we got a lot of runoff. Yeah. And there's a lot of crazies. Yeah. Plenty of other convicts ended up in colonies like Canada, West Indies, and Madagascar. But in 1788, after America was no longer a British colony, their government decided to send the vast majority of their exiled prisoners to Australia. Man, give us our prisoners back.

Yeah, man. I'm fuckin' Australia, you greedy bastards. You know what's nice though is that you go to Australia because that's where the girls are hot, right? The guys are fun. The beer is cold. The bat the koalas are hot Wombats kill people with their ass. I know and they're also like apparently like they taste good. Oh, I love Australia Me too. It's really cool. So for this yeah, we had this well they learned their lesson Yeah, that's why it's great that they actually fucking did something about it now British convicts were first sent to botany Bay near Sydney But within a few years the British government began pouring criminals specifically into the island of Tasmania

by 1832 the island was home to over 12,000 British convicts who were used mostly for slave labor. They produced timber and wheat, they worked in the coal mines, and they processed the meat and blubber from whales and seals. Prisoners would work at least 12 hours a day in chains, and quite a few died either during labor or as a result of the brutal punishments enacted by their jailers. The most common punishment in the penal colonies was flogging with a cat anion tails, where the prisoner would be tied to a triangle shaped wooden frame and flogged while the guards and the other prisoners verbally roasted them. You cry in pain like a little girl.

Oi! Your mother's a platypus of jean shorts! Yeah! Oh, the way you're squirming around there, you're like... ...a little girl! Yeah, nice mouth! Looks like you can swallow a didgeridoo! Hey, I want to take another whip there, won't you? A bunch of milk? I'm not a comedy writer, I whip people! I'm sick of being forced to do all this business format. I'm not, it's not different.

Alright, so I'm just gonna whip his butt home and not make another clever remark. Still better than listening to Silver Chair. Hey, Silver Chair is quite impressive for all being 17 years old. Yeah. When are they gonna grow up? They were frozen in time by suicide. But according to the prisoners, the punishment that was far worse than the potentially fatal

practice of flogging was the psychologically debilitating practice of rock breaking, which was saved for only the worst of the worst. In this punishment, prisoners would be chained to an iron post where they would be forced to smash rocks with a hammer for 12 hours a day without being able to move from that one single spot. The punishment here was the monotony, which drove some prisoners to the brink of insanity. For example, one prisoner became so unhinged after rock breaking day after day that he beat another prisoner to death because a trip to the gallows was in his mind

Preferable to enduring another second of rock-breaking and that's gotta be so hard to just hang out cuz it's you if you're chained Next to another guy one of you is gonna smash the brains of the other. Yeah, eventually You know, like at some point you have to figure out who's gonna make the jump first, you know Like you got maybe you do it at the same time Then you go at you really? next time That's a funny-looking rock and then turns into my sketch from the characters Where you slowly form a pile of rocks that look like a lady mm-hmm stick your dick in it. That's right That's right. Yeah that that hit series the character

done something with it There was a lot of opportunity there that they left on the fucking table Okay, dear devil season two killed us and then the new Peewee Herman movie drove the fucking nail to the fucking casket I mean Tim Robinson's doing great. He's fine You think there's one guy who just hated rocks? Yeah! Fucking loved it. Fuck that rock! Man, this is the best day of my goddamn life!

You mean all day long you get to torture rocks? I fucking hate you rock! Fuck that rock! Now the slave labor was a pretty sweet deal for the British. So sentences at the Tasmanian penal colony could be extended for infractions large and miniscule You could get your sentence extended for anything from talking in church to failing to turn your shirt in on laundry day But once the prisoners finished their sentences They were free to settle the lands around them and as it happened Martin Bryant's great-great grandfather and One of his great-great-grandmothers had both been English convicts who'd been sent

to Tasmania as punishment. Cute. Oh, that's nice. They met back in the day. Oh no, they didn't meet back in the day. They were like different branches of like criminal. Yeah. That's cute.

Yeah. People say dating's hard. Yeah. No, they didn't get, again, they didn't date each other. They were different branches of the Brian, not the Brian family, the other, his mother's side of the family. It is adorable. I could see families having sex with each other.

Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can in prison. Yeah. Just type that in. Families having sex with each other in prison. Guarantee you something's coming up. Oh, wow. How ironic.

This private prison systems need to be, we need get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get get Penal colony like how did you know where the women were also sent? Wow cool now it makes sense. Yeah Now Martin Bryant's lineage didn't necessarily clean itself up as the years ticked by in Tasmania Bryant's mother Carline was raised by a man who often suffered from alcoholic Psychosis this man married Carline's 19 year old mother when he was 54 years old. Well Carline's life actually seems to be one of those cursed existences that we sometimes find in our research. You know these types of people whose lives are just marked by tragedy after tragedy, none of which are their own making. For example, when Carline was a young woman working as a waitress in the small Tasmanian coastal town of Swansea,

she met and fell in love with a man who left her for another woman. The suitor soon reappeared to tell Carline that she was the woman he really loved. But he then killed himself by carbon monoxide poisoning almost immediately after telling her we said a car, you know, the brighter side, the brighter side. The brighter side here on brighter side. The brighter side here on Last Podcast Network. You can listen every week. Now, a few years after her ill fated romance, Carline met her future husband, Maurice Bryant. Maurice was an English immigrant from Newcastle who was one of thousands of Englishmen who

migrated to Australia after World War Two by paying just 10 pounds for a ticket to the continent. What an upgrade. Yeah. Right. I love it. From Newcastle to Tasmania. To Australia. Beautiful Australia.

Just so much fun. And again, with the volleyball and the fucking and the shrimp. Yeah, but we're looking at. Promise please. But we're looking at Australia from like a modern perspective. Australia in 1951 when he went was fucking rough. Yeah, like it was Underdeveloped I just feel like all the criminal ladies there must also be kind of fun I mean it was all leather and whips back then. Yeah, yeah, I may be wrong on this decade

But I don't think Australia got color TV till like the 80s. Yeah Yeah, they didn't know what people were supposed to look like Maurice and Carline met in Tasmania in 1965 almost 15 years after Maurice arrived and after just one date Maurice proposed Carline believing she was running out of chances to get married at the age of 27 accepted very 1965 Maurice had just as much tragedy in his life as Carline did. When Maurice was 7 years old, he found his mother dead in the home pantry. But since Maurice was so young, he didn't register that his mother was now a corpse. He thought she was playing a game.

So he jumped on the body and asked for a horsey ride. It would have been even worse if she gave him the horsey ride. That would have been, well it would have been a horror movie. Well then her body might have been jerking back and forth. Jerking back and forth, no. Because of the electricity. No, she died from tuberculosis. That would have been, that may have been the case

if she was like, had been like murdered very suddenly, but no it was tuberculosis and your body is usually withers away. Yeah, that's odd. Yeah, there's no jerking. She crawled into a hole and died. There's no working and jerking with that. No. Especially when you die next to the crackers. No. Yeah, that's gotta be, crawled into a hole and died. There's no working in jerking with that No, especially when you die next to the crackers. Yeah, that's gotta be that's a horrible way to die Never die on top of the rice. No, I want to say this right now if you find me dead

Go ahead horsey ride all It's gonna be about a 25 minutes bit of a picture I'm gonna do a shoot It's gonna be about a 25 minutes bit of a picture. I'm gonna do a shoot Yeah Do it from putting various fun costumes just to have that as the last because of course We're once we're booking out your funeral. We're gonna use that as the projection show. Yeah turn my coffin into a submarine I don't give a shit. It's easy to do push into a harbor Well Maurice Bryant claimed that this experience, you know, finding his mother dead was deeply

scarring. What? And as a result of that and other factors, Maurice struggled with depressive mood swings and deep alcoholism throughout his life. I never, ever show him more than five cans of beans because he will fucking just start crying and then he'll throw up, then he has a seizure and then you got to clean Everything up and go spend the rest of your day in an emergency room. Yeah, or lay down and give him a horsey ride Now by

1967 Maurice and Carline had settled in the Tasmanian capital of Hobart This was just after the Black Tuesday bushfires of 1967, in which 52 people were killed and 1300 homes were burnt to ashes. But Black Tuesday was a bit of an opportunity for Maurice. See, while Maurice made money wherever he could by working at the docks, picking fruit seasonally or flipping antiques he found in thrift stores, his passion was buying and selling real estate. And it was in one of the first homes he bought that he and Carleen welcomed their first child, Martin

Bryant, in 1967. Now Martin seemed to be an utterly broken soul from the very beginning. As a baby it was said that he rejected any sort of affection and his mother Carline claimed that she found it Impossible to bond with her new child. This is one of those things. I think ladies do get Afraid of when they have a baby right when it doesn't latch right if it doesn't do these things are all worried Is the baby gonna turn into a Martin Bryant? But then sometimes it just turns out they don't have the suckle muscles to get it all through talking about yourself your big crazy nipples Yeah, cuz then I there's big crazy. No, they must be if I couldn't wrap I could get the milk How big are the nipples? Yeah, because then I now I'm certain understand a lot more so they blamed my sucker muscles

Yeah on my mother's tits and now you think it was now. I'm certain or so. I think it's my mom's tits fault Tits and now you think it was now I'm certain or say I think it's my mom's tits fault Not my fault something you came upon in therapy. Yeah, he said stop talking about it and I said no This is huge for me. It's not my fault It's my mom's kids fault and that's the new piece of much you had no problem latching onto that Philly cheesesteak problem latching onto that Philly cheese stick. Oh yeah dude. I fucking absolutely. I'm blowing bubbles with gum. I'm doing lots. I'm having milkshakes suck, suck, suck all day long. I can't believe for a second I couldn't get that milk because I really wanted it. Maybe it was backed up. Do you think she had a yeah, like a little block. Whoa. Yeah. Sometimes you got to work at it. Still. It's the tits fault. Yeah

Last podcast merch calm. It's the tits fall Yeah Now once Martin reached toddler age. He also became fiercely independent and uncontrollable wandering out of their house at all hours Uncontrollable wandering out of their house at all hours Eventually Carlene had to fix Martin with a harness and tether him to something just to keep him inside Sounds familiar. Did you also get a harness? We've talked about this. Yeah, really? Oh, yeah Henry was a harness kid. I was fully Hannibal lectored from place to place Yeah, I had a strap from my waist to the shopping cart and then a strap from my wrist to my mother's wrist. And I was elephant walked from place to place because I was like

a little I was a I was ready to go. I would take off my clothes and I would just run in one direction. And I knocked the whole display down once in a grocery store. Oh in Queens. Yeah. They had to come get me. And they found me. And then when they had found me, I had peeled the stickers off a couple of bananas. And I'd stuck them up my nose. And we couldn't get them out.

So then they had to take me to the emergency room. But all the time, I'm just sitting there like, yes, I'm attention acquired. You've got to tie them up sometimes. Sometimes you've got to tie them up. When I see those kids on a leash at Disneyland or at the airport or something You know at first you're like all bad parenting. They're like no you take care of them. No

Cut the leash and see what happens. Yeah, no they're doing that for our benefit Yeah, kids not so you don't turn around and the kids rooting through your luggage. They're not protecting me from you They're protecting you from me from you. They're protecting you from me. Got any milk? Well, the neighbors looked down on Carleen Bryant for doing this, for tying up her son. They said that the Bryant's were treating their child like a dog, but Carleen, in what would be the first

of many exhausted explanations throughout her life, defended the practice by saying that she at least knew that little Martin was safe. See, Carleen loved Martin, but she found it extremely difficult to actually like her child. Likewise, Maurice Bryant found Martin to be just plain weird, and therefore spent most of his energy trying to make his son quote unquote normal. Martin, however, was anything but. Well, Martin was slow to learn how to talk and his fine motor skills didn't really develop.

But the absolute worst part was that when he reached the age of three, Maurice and Carline discovered that their son had an inexhaustible well of energy. I can't be contained! I can't be contained yet there! You won't even do it! You can't do it! Can't get me! Undisciplined! Carline would take Martin for hours long walks every day to try to tire him out, but the feverish unstoppable motor that seemed to power his every waking moment was impossible to control. For example, Carlene was getting her hair done at the salon one day,

when Martin fell off a balcony and split open his head. After being taken to the hospital, Martin had to be given adult strength sedatives So he could sit still long enough to get stitches and even then it took an hour for the sedatives to kick in I know what you're gonna do. You're trying to knock me out You're gonna replace me with another child and it's not gonna happen because I got eyes on the sides and backs and bottom of my head Gotta tell that kid I'm utterly uncontrollable and I'm a fun little guy. So what are you gonna do about it? Yeah fucking doctor What are you gonna do? Hey, can you get me? You're serving down doctor?

Extraordinarily annoying Well, I mean one of the things I really like I don't know if we've established yet so far like just how incredibly Irritating Martin Bryant grew up to be Brian like, you know, he was the type of guy that would book Transatlantic flights so he would have someone who was forced to talk to him for 12 hours straight. You come around here often. I do because I'm a diamond. I'm just here for the flight. I'm turning right back around. Oh yeah. I love the airport. No, he was at an incredibly like, and we'll get into it more.

How'd you get fat? Oh yeah, was it lack of exercise or has it just been a big tubby fuck? But like not just irritating, but aggressive, you know, we're gonna get into that right now I mean one school could only stand to have him for less than a year before the staff decided they couldn't deal with him anymore And they suggested that the Bryant's instead have Martin examined by psychiatrists and eventually be medicated Medication however did absolutely nothing for Martin. Can't touch me! And when he was sent to another school, a lifelong cycle of rejection, alienation, and solitude began. Because the other kids didn't like Martin any more than his mother did.

It was not however because Martin was just weird, or because he had a speech impediment, or because his learning abilities bordered on mentally challenged. All those things were true. But as anyone who's worked in child care like I have can tell you, some kids are just dickheads and they're only made worse when the other kids volley back. When Martin was examined in 1975 at the age of eight, he was determined to be a slow learner possessing fairly low base intelligence. But most of all, Martin was deemed to be an unusually aggressive child. Thank you!

I tried really hard to be. Martin was known to throw things at other kids, kick them, spit on them, sometimes he'd urinate on other kids, but Martin was also fully aware that he was doing something wrong when he got aggressive with others. To mitigate punishment, Martin would suck up to his teachers and had a whole routine worked out for showing remorse when needed. Like some of the pyromaniacs we talked about a few episodes ago, Martin would play up his disabilities when he got in a trouble. Likewise, Martin also had a defense mechanism against the other kids. Since

Martin was such a dick, the other kids would respond in kind and gang up on him. But when the other kids gave chase, Martin would cry and squeal so pitifully that the other kids would just sort of give up because they felt sorry for him. To break the heart of a lyrican. You know, normally, when you're looking at your sniffling little fuck like that, I want to beat it to death, you know what I mean? I want to strangle it up and I want also play volleyball with his with his balls Well, I wanted to carve him up, but this is kind of weak Yeah, I'm gonna share. Because also as an adult remember if you are ever attacked, this is a good way to alleviate the situation. just are going no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no And the fucking shit out of them you know I mean like they were never turned off by it Yeah, none of mine were turned off by that either

The land the country without pity oh, yeah, it's America the closest I had was when they was in the school I was a it was a daycare after seeing problem trial three for the fourth time in a row which is a lot of this story and for the fourth time in a row which is a lot of this story and They they pushed me down to the bathroom and removed my towel after the we went to a pool and they all were laughing at My tiny penis. That's what was underneath. Yeah, I mean when they would laugh and at it That's when it but it was more like then they just got there was like the joke ended Yeah, and then I was just naked on the floor and they're like, yeah. Well

See you tomorrow I floor and they're like, well, see you tomorrow. I had an experience like that except I was the guy. You were the guy. Yeah, we were the big bully. Sorry. You just made guys like me. Well, as long as it's, I think, we're majority receivers on this podcast, we're okay.

Because me and Henry were both receivers of yeah, we were both receivers of the bullying rather than the perpetrators. I got bullied a lot until I realized I could beat up most kids. You see, you were big and I was a tiny skinny boy and Henry was a tiny fat boy. But I had the power of the written word. Because as you see, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Bam! Yeah, ah! Ah! Why does it say that there? Well that was also, that was kind of the part of the problem with Martin Bryant and the problem with a lot of kids like this is that like he starts off as extremely annoying, very aggressive, which causes kids to bully him. And the bullying throughout his life was extreme. It got really bad. But the problem is that the bullying makes the behavior worse.

It's this vicious cycle that just keeps going and going and going. Now, as Martin grew older, his endless energy did not abate one bit. Martin disturbed every classroom he was a part of, and both of his parents had to work endlessly to keep him occupied, sometimes taking him for walks of up to eight miles long, where Martin would bounce Relentlessly from beginning to end Martin's behavior actually got so chaotic that one of his fuck-ups made the local news One day he was playing with some fireworks He found in his father's garage and ended up lighting a rocket in the attic of his family's home

the rocket lit Martin's clothes on fire and the resulting burns resulted in skin grafts, a six-week stay at the hospital, and embarrassingly for the Bryant's, an interview with the local news. When a reporter asked Martin from his hospital bed if he would still play with fireworks after being hurt so badly, Martin energetically and enthusiastically replied, yes! He literally said yes and then they were like, but didn't you learn energetically and enthusiastically replied yes Yes, and then they were like, but didn't you learn your lesson and he's just like yeah I learned a lesson, but I'm still gonna play with fireworks Yeah

And this is apparently a thing that would be how he responds to stuff from then on like his lawyer talked about dealing with Martin Bryant and one of the things where like every once while he'd be like, you know Martin you should feel bad for What you did you should feel bad about this, you know, and like you should feel good like four and he says like well I guess I feel bad then that was like his response. But then he was fully Bugs Bunny though. Yeah or the Joker. Yes No, I mean even calling the judge that's even giving him too much credit Yeah, he was not the Joker plan the Joker hit Yes. No, I mean even call him the judge. That's even giving him too much credit Yeah, he was not the Joker plan. The Joker hit a crew and followers. Yeah Now by 1980 Martin Bryant had reached high school where his behavior and grades were just as bad as they'd always been Teachers also noticed that Bryant was extremely manipulative because while he was consistently a monster to kids his own age

He always made sure to be polite to adults. And as I said before, he knew when and how to act disabled in order to get out of trouble. Did you have that? My mom always had that thing, they were called the Eddie Heskals. That's what the term was, from leave it to beaver. She'd be like, your friend Nicholas is a little Eddie Heskal. And it's because they come in and they would be like yes, Mrs. Abrowski Yeah, I was course. I was one of those kids. Yeah, I was really fucking good at it. Oh, yeah I was hanging with the parents. I was just good

You just said that you had to be tied to a shopping cart filled with energy There was nothing I wouldn't qualify that as good or bad. I would qualify that I wouldn't qualify that as good or bad. I would qualify that If they could have harnessed it into sports or something if you were a dog you would have been sent to the pound That's what yeah Friends of the pound over to work out Well teachers also be sitting a bunch of other dogs Come on come on give me give me Dogs. Come on, come on, give me, give me.

Well the whole thing about Martin Bryant being manipulative to adults, all that, this to me is partly what made Martin Bryant so incredibly dangerous. See Martin was diagnosed as autistic after the massacre, and while I certainly agree with that diagnosis, I think what motivated Bryant's bad behavior more than anything was antisocial personality disorder. Unlike many people on the spectrum who have a hard time understanding social cues, Martin Bryant proved over and over again

that he had a keen understanding of what was acceptable and what wasn't. He knew what would provoke negative reactions from other people. He just didn't give a shit, and he lived his life accordingly. He definitely had, like, he was like not all there, but he he knew what he was doing was wrong Oh, yeah, always at all times, but he also had a perennial

Like this feeling of like why does everybody hate me though? I am being myself according to Martin Bryant in his head He's just being himself and he's just this he's just born annoying. Yeah, do you know what it's just being himself, and he's just this, he's just born annoying. Do you know what it's like being me? As Henry Zabrowski, when you're born half annoying, you know what I mean? It's just a part of your life, and you have to either harness it or not. Do you think you have like every disorder, almost? He's nothing, nothing good.

I mean, there, I mean, some people say that he was possibly schizophrenic, you know, there's the autism spectrum disorder personality disorder like it's he was Clinically what you'd call all fucked up. Yeah, he was all jacked up, and he was cuckoo bananas and schizophrenic I don't know much about this stuff He wasn't schizophrenic. It was a catch-all thing in a while where they were trying to figure out like any single time Schizophrenia got thrown around real loosely in the 90s. Yeah, because apparently that's the worst one, right?

Well, no, I don't know. No, they all kind of it's interesting. On some level at their extremities, they all sort of dovetail with the various symptoms that it brings up. Schizophrenia is the most like you'd be the most dislocated, but it's anything can lead to these sort of like fugue states or like this type of thing and the schizophrenia is just one of them. But the paradox of Martin Bryant at least when it comes to the

average profile of the mass shooter was that he was considered extremely handsome by the time you reached high school. That's all anybody says about it. They just talk about it all the time. You know what He kind of looks like the the dude with from diehard like that like the head henchman Yeah, like for for Alan Rickman Well, I mean the best way I could put he's like a more handsome version of Dave Mustaine he does lead singer of Megadeth Yeah, yeah blonde shoulder length hair. He's got a naturally athletic build. But yeah, he is a Shoulder length hair. He's got a naturally athletic build. But yeah, he is a Objectively handsome man. This is with it's a real block his lawyer talked about it His lawyer does a whole long thing about like he doesn't look I would it which is why people thought he

Could just talk to him but turns out he's heavily all worded And for those of you who didn't understand that it was Henry saying are worded in an Australian accent Martin's looks however did nothing for his social status But the thing is it is kind of a good point like cuz he did not look like he was mentally challenged He did have but he did have like learning disabilities And I think he kind of got a pass like a fair amount because of that because he was a good-looking guy Do you think they were learning disabilities or was it just like straight-up? I don't feel like doing no He had learning he had definite learning disabilities. Yeah his looks however did nothing for his social status

And as he got older his confrontational nature only led him to pull bizarre Stunts that seemingly had no other purpose but to make other people feel weird. In one case, Martin showed up to a nighttime beach party that was being thrown by a group of teenagers. Alright, alright, alright. These were the same kids who had called Martin names like Silly Martin, Bloody Simple Martin, or Rubber Lips. That last one, that was due to Martin's constant habit of tightly pursing his lips together as if he was always thinking about something he couldn't quite understand. I like rubber lips. Yeah, rubber lips is fun. I feel like I gotta save that one. But on the night of the beach party, Martin showed up with a can of gasoline, and as the other kids watched, Martin doused himself with petrol and lit himself on fire.

And it's like, the Joker comes in and says, you want to see a magic trick? Yeah. Yeah. But then he just sets himself on fire. The kids tackled Martin and rolled him in the sand before he suffered any serious burns. But Martin didn't seem to care at all about what he'd done to himself or how disturbed everyone at the party had become as a result of his actions. Yeah, everything would have been fine. If they were normal stoners, they would just be like, man, that's fucked up.

Then it would have been done. You know, I wonder if it's because the last time he got set on fire, he got a lot of attention. And he starts kind of putting them all together. He got on the news. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I think he just liked to disturb people. He liked to fuck with people.

Martin Bryant loved to fuck up a day. He was very good at it. Now Martin's father to his slight credit he did try to help his son as much as he could through his depression and alcoholism. In the process Maurice Bryant introduced Martin to the only activity he seemed to really enjoy in life besides making other people miserable. Maurice took Martin snorkeling and taught him how to dive for crayfish, crawfish here in America. Martin loved gathering buckets of mud bugs so much that he decided that this was going to be his career for the rest of his life. This is me. This is my life. My passion. I love snails.

I love muck. Martin, however, did also have a habit of pulling other people's snorkels while they were underwater just because he thought it was funny. That's just, I mean, you know, in a way, if he's working, at least that is kind of funny. Yeah, fun is fun. Daddy? Daddy? Oi?

Don't you want to take me to do some bugging? Sure, let me show you how it's done there, son. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Daddy? Daddy? Oi? Don't you want to take me to do some buggin'? Sure, let me show you how it's done there, son. Yeah, oh yeah. Grrrr! Don't touch my goddamn snorkels! I've got you, Daddy. Grrrr!

You're my favorite Daddy. I... I kinda like ya. Yeah! But the massive mistake Maurice Bryant made was when he bought his son Martin an air rifle at the age of 14 It was at least powerful enough to kill birds This is ostensibly so Maurice could teach Martin proper gun handling techniques Yeah, definitely the first thing up you want to teach somebody at 14

Who has really aggressive some form of antisocial autism? Yeah, it like, yeah, let's teach him how to use guns quickly. Yeah, if your child sets himself on fire twice, maybe don't get him a gun. Maybe he'll get a gun and he's not me. Marksmanship is not his hobby. You don't want to be golf club. Put a golf club in his hand. Even that's risky.

I mean, that's risky. A paintbrush? No, oh, all water. All water hobbies. That's why you send them to the crawfish. Oh yes, snorkeling. Perfect. You literally can't set it on fire. The rifles seem to inspire a change in Martin. As it turns out, handing a weapon to an aggressive, unstable teenager,

even if it is just an air rifle, is usually a bad idea because all it really does is show them the power of a gun. Where before, Brian had been annoying but mostly harmless, the rifle allowed him to be more destructive. He'd hide in a creek near the road and fire his air rifle at passing cars, and he was known to shoot birds out of trees before walking up to the corpses to fire several more shots in their heads Hates birds. Yeah hates birds hates freedom. He's also like I just feel like if you find your son Randomly practicing to be the DC sniper. Yeah, you might want to say you might want to step in there You know of all the countries in the world though, Australia does have extra animals to kill

Spiders and birds are the biggest problem in Australia because how big and scary they are. Yeah, you really should have went for the six Do with kids like this turn them into snake killers Go into the house kill rats in the house. And then, worse comes to worse, he just stays there. Yeah, you know, and then he gets killed by a snake. Or he becomes a double exterminator. And then he gets to kill animals and stuff, but it's his job. He's in prison, right?

So we can still do this. Definitely. Now the change in Martin's behavior to something far darker was noticed by one of the few friends Martin made over the course of his life. A kid named Greg, who'd bonded with Martin over their shared love of diving for crayfish. You're the only one I know who likes slugs just as much as me, Martin. According to Greg, Martin once caught a cat and tried to pull the animal apart with his bare hands before Greg stopped him. You can't pet him that way, you're gonna leave the guts on the inside. More dangerously though, Greg saw Martin routinely grab the steering wheel when Martin was in

the car with his parents. Martin of course laughing maniacally as he tried to pull the whole family off the road. Greg put up with Martin for years, but the friendship ended abruptly when Martin stabbed Greg in the head with a spear gun No serious damage was done, but Greg punched Martin in the face in response and never spoke to him again Oh spear guns of the head friendship ender Friend breakups are some of the most devastating things that you can go through, but most of the time it's over money Yeah, yeah, it's not over a spear gun to the head or fucking your wife or something Yeah, something like that, but you just get stabbed to have with a spear gun

It seems like it came out of nowhere, especially because they're both in the crawfish industry Yeah, you should know to not stab anyone else in the head with a spear gun Yes, that's what do you even need a spear gun for if you're just getting crawfish. I miss fun the crocs Yeah, but if you're in the ocean, you can shoot a lot of cro. They're bigger. It's true. What would I do without you? Now by the time Martin Bryant reached high school, his father had done pretty well for himself in the real estate business. But in 1982, Maurice Bryant would make a miscalculation that would inadvertently cause Martin to choose Port Arthur as the site of his massacre 14 years later. Seymourys owned a good amount of property in the town of Port Arthur. The Bryants actually owned a vacation

cottage there, so Martin was certainly acquainted with the town growing up. In the early 80s though, Martin Bryant tried buying a bed and breakfast in Port Arthur, a little business called Seascape, but due to circumstance, the property was instead scooped up by a couple named David and Sally Martin. Maurice spent years complaining that David and Sally had stolen Seascape, and he would often say that the loss of the property was what prevented him from reaching the next level as a real estate investor.

Martin would listen intently to his father's grievances, and in turn he held a deep grudge against the people who bought the bed and breakfast, a grudge that matched his father's. That grudge would one day make the seascape bed and breakfast the centrepiece of the Port Arthur Massacre. So Daddy, would you say you'd be like Thon if I brought hell to them? I love you boy. Yeah alright. Yeah Daddy alright, I think we're about to get along a little bit better.

Maybe I should get you a bigger gun. Yeah alright, okay we're getting along. You know this is just the plot to What About Bob. Is it? Fuck you Dr. Martin! Dr. Martin scoops it. He scoops the property from the two locals have been waiting for the property to open up. Oh yeah. The subplot to what about Bob? You've seen that too many times. That's the plot. Yeah. Cause that is a very low subplot on the totem pole there. Martin Bryant is Bob Wiley. Bob Wiley goes finds Dr. Leo Marvin while he is on vacation,

while he's supposed to be on vacation from his problems. Right. He goes out there and then they also famously did not get along on set. Oh, Bill Murray was very rough too. He beat him up. Very similar. Bill Murray used to beat up Richard Dreyfus. He used to get into physical fights. Yeah. Richard Dreyfus. He's taking a physical fight Yeah, Richard said of what about Bob used to complain about it a lot He said like he like tortured me during that movie, but also Richard Dreyfus was annoying

So like it's no one really stuck up for him. I think I understand also. I do want to correct myself I forgot we were in Tasmania very itself. There's the Crocs aren't down there. They're only up north great So I just really wanted to correct myself before I get yelled at by all the Croc fans. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. I don't want these croc people coming after me. They're a complete other way. Fly from North Lake. Now when Martin turned 16, he was legally allowed to leave school and get a job on his own. But again, his behavior made it impossible to employ him and as it turned out one could not make a living exclusively by

diving for crayfish. I caught five. Not enough. Not enough for rent. Yeah a couple more times, a couple more than that you have yourself a cut down. It's also for a skump. Yeah. So Martin's parents took him to a psychiatrist to have Martin examined for a disability pension and the psychiatrist had no hesitation in granting it. He deemed Martin completely unemployable, because at 16, Martin still couldn't read or write, and the doctor almost diagnosed Martin as a schizophrenic before backing off. I saw a little interview with one of Martin Bryant's girlfriends. So he met a girl, one of the girls he saw me dated

Yeah, when he was 27 she was 16. Yeah, we'll talk about her next episode Yes, but there was like a time where she said Martin would do this thing where again. He's handsome Yeah, so when she met him. She just thought he was a super just a dumb Normal guy and then when he was talking he would pretend to read he would do these things we go And he'd get the you get the menu and go ha and then he'd order whatever he wanted anyway Mm-hmm, whatever didn't matter what the restaurant was He'd like look at signs and just go like we're going this way and like have no idea what anything read and shit But again, she just liked having to decide her. Yeah. And it's all about that really.

Sure. I do that all the time. Oh yeah, I can't read. But Maurice Bryant still figured that Martin needed some structure and some discipline. So Maurice forced his son to start a door-to-door business selling vegetables that the family grew on their hobby farm. And that, not surprisingly, also didn't work out as a real aggressive self. By the time Martin was 20 years old, his father was still trying to find something for him

to do, so Maurice set Martin up with a job mowing lawns for some of the older people in the neighborhood. This, however, was how Martin fell into an extraordinarily odd relationship with a woman 34 years his senior, a woman named Helen Harvey. Now Helen Harvey was heir to a prominent gambling company in Australia named Tattersall's Lottery, and when her father died in 1961 and left her everything, she began a decades long existence as an eccentric hoarder who wanted for nothing and did nothing.

She lived the dream of life. Yeah. Don't hoarders want everything? Well, I mean wanted for nothing meaning she got anything she wanted. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, she had access to millions of dollars. That's why she was a hoarder because of that. Yeah.

Gotcha. You see, it's not just the money. Poor people give me hoarders too, Eddie. Oh yeah. The best of them. Top tier hoarders. It's not really about the money. It's about the the poor people give me orders to Eddie. Oh, yeah the best of them Have you ever seen like really rich orders some of the best episodes of orders are the guys that are like Multi-millionaires that have like six warehouses full of like wacky shit. Oh, that is fun. Again. It's the dream Yeah, well Helen was also, like Martin Bryant, an extremely unpleasant person. An actual real-life crazy cat lady who lived with 40 cats, 13 dogs, and

her ailing elderly mother. Besides her mother though, Helen had also been all but abandoned by most of her family by the time she and Martin crossed paths in 1987. So she was just as isolated as he was. It cannot really be stressed enough how old a lady she is. No, she's 54. But when you look at her, it's different. Look at Helen Harvey now. Because when I, to be honest, when I had...

A hoarding 54 is always... It's different than a Lisa Ann 54. In my mind, as soon it because because of my training I Saw my head Helen Harvey Lisa and right like I just imagined her is like a weird kind of like Oh, cuz she's an heiress I thought maybe she have a lot of plastic surgery and be like a weird kind of like that style of 54 year old lady She looks like the woman from the book stone soup like the woman from the book Stone Soup. She was born with a babushka.

Like she is that type, she's got babushka head. And I have no idea how like, these guys coming together as one of the funniest odd couples in true crime history. Because they're not necessarily fucking. Well no, they're really not. And it's also an almost entirely innocent relationship throughout for years. Like, just like they're just buddies.

It's kind of like Harold and Mott. It is. It's very much like that. Didn't they sleep together in Harold and Mott? Isn't there like a they're like in love with each other? I think they banged once. Yeah. But in this story, they're just mostly like friends.

Okay. He said they cuddle sometimes. Hey, I mean, I wish she was still alive. I know. We all do. Well, as far as how they met, Martin was in Helen's neighborhood one day to mow a neighbor's lawn, and he found the short and stout Helen Harvey aimlessly wandering the streets. Martin asked Helen if he could help her out. If he could help her out?

Geez, can you imagine that? Martin Brightman like, You seem out of sorts. You need some help. You want some squash to shove up your ass? Is that what you're talking about? Help her out by mowing her lawn. Not like, hey, can you help me out? Hey, you want to help me out?

Well, Helen, I suppose, attracted to this strange handsome boy, agreed. Soon enough, a sort of spark developed between Helen and Martin. But contrary to what you'd expect when a relationship begins burgeoning between a 54-year-old eccentric and a borderline mentally challenged 20-year-old, Martin's parents thoroughly encouraged this relationship. Martin, they noticed, was calmer when Helen was around.

And unlike everyone else on Earth, Helen found Martin entertaining rather than irritating. And that's a big thing for all of you out there that are super irritating. Sometimes you just got to hold out for that aimlessly wandering old woman that will take you and have you. Okay? And then that's who showed up. And that's who you commit to. As such, Martin's parents were so thrilled that their son had finally latched on to someone else that they supported the relationship in any way they could. To the point where As such, Martin's parents were so thrilled that their son had finally latched on to someone else

that they supported the relationship in any way they could, to the point where they eventually began taking Helen on family vacations. I thought she was rich. Yeah, but, you know, she liked to come along. Yeah, she was like his Teddy Ruxpin. Yeah, it's not like they paid for her, she just like, was there. Yeah, yeah, you know, just, you know, always like having just a random old lady just there. She's 54! This is is look at Helen Harvey look at her and tell me that is not the very description of an old lady

Also, they can finally take a vacation by themselves Yeah, and I will admit that hoarding does age you like if you were a hoarder it add 15 years to your age I agree. Yeah, especially with like just around all the cat piss fumes and all that. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, it's not good for anybody. And it's stressful. But from what it seems like, the dynamic between Helen and Martin was that Helen basically

treated him like a helpful but rambunctious child, barking orders at him that Martin would dutifully follow. And seemingly, Martin did what Helen said because Helen was the only person in the world that actually liked him because as Authors Robert Wainwright and Paola Totoro put it Martin was the human equivalent of a stray dog that had wandered into Helen's yard She literally was the first person to not just be like fuck you Martin. I hate you. Yeah get the fuck away from you right now yes, which meant she was also a Difficult woman and very difficult and varied and so they got together famously

Now Martin never did much yard work for Helen and as a result her yard became so overgrown and filled with animals that the neighbors complained The RSPCA intervened and rescued over 50 neglected animals from Helen's house But they also noticed that both Helen and her 79-year-old mother were in terrible shape. See, Helen's home was filled with filth and trash because Helen was a hoarder. Even worse, it was discovered during the animal rescue that Helen was sick with infected ulcers, and her mother had an untreated broken hip,

so both women were rushed to the hospital. Helen's mother died there a few weeks later, but Martin stayed at Helen's side and took care of her during her stay Additionally Martin and his father cleaned out Helen's home while she was convalescing and once she was released Martin moved in with Helen permanently so he wasn't living with her yet They had been friends for like three years at this point Like he just go over there all the time just hang out with her constantly But yeah at this point yeah took about three years before he moved into their house He was on they were they viewed them They said they were inseparable and that he would be over there all the time

They would be hanging out because they love doing the same things. They love yelling at the Turned off television. They both love wandering the streets aimlessly. They both love hoarding animals and honestly, it's kind of nice now once howling got out of the hospital She and Martin fell into a comfortable life by most accounts though. The relationship was platonic Although Martin did say that there was a little kiss and a little hug and little cuddling Some Tom she listen to me kiss your bottom chins. Do you think he was impotent? No Don't unfortunately Little cuddling. Sometimes she lets me kiss her bottom chins. Do you think he was impotent? No. No. I don't, unfortunately.

No, I got a rager. I got a rager, don't you worry. I'll try to stick her with my shift-stealer. I'll try to get her with my little shovel. I'll try to push her around. But Helen turned out, hole grew over. She said the hole grew over, Spider moved in, it's a bunch of webs. I love my Helen.

She's nothing but a little girl. I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love my Helen.

I love my Helen. I love my Helen. I love's a bunch of whibs. I love my Helen. She's nothing but a cocoon. Well, neither Martin nor Helen had any concept of money. Infamously, the two of them would go to car dealerships and buy new cars on whim. Woah! Because Helen also hoarded cars. That's awesome! By the time of her death, she had bought no less than 50. But Helen usually only kept these cars for a few weeks or a couple of months before

trading them in or wrecking them because Helen was such a bad driver that she had to take her driver's exam 19 times before she passed it. Don't they cut you off? No, it's just, here she comes again. And then she comes coming back, this timels in the trunk of the car. No, no, no wrong end. You gotta start driving your own car. All right, all right, I'll get in the right area. Crawls under the hood. Which way is left? Which way do I watch the wheel? Helen had such disregard for the value of a dollar that she'd often buy a car at the

beginning of the month when the monthly payment from her inheritance trust came in, then she'd sell the car at the end of the month when she needed cash for food. Oh, I think she's hustling. The problem was that during that month, she and Martin would have spent weeks driving around aimlessly with a car full of filthy animals constantly urinating and defecating. The stench would be so intense, a stench that would develop within weeks that any car Helen traded in had to be fumigated and thoroughly scrubbed which car smelled worse theirs or John Bunting's oh There I mean John Bunting's John Bunting's because he had the fucking slop yeah, yeah human. He had human

Remains turned into chowder no matter what decomposition is going to beat defecation every time. For a bad smell. Put it on your gravestone. It's going to be a long gravestone. Marcus says, decomposition beats defecation every time. You don't believe him? Dig him up! True or false?

Dig him up. He actually got buried with a box full of shit so you could compare. Oh wow! Then someone comes and fills it up every week. That beautiful, strange woman. God. Sweet sweet Helen. Now Helen, of course, had begun rebuilding her menagerie of strays as soon as she got

out of the hospital, and the smell and the noise were causing the neighbors to once again complain. So to avoid another visit from the RSPCA, Helen bought a farm outside of the Tasmanian town of Copping, not too far from Port Arthur. Once Martin and Helen moved on to their new land, they soon acquired three donkeys, nine poniesies three dogs and an untold number of cats in addition to 30 canaries and quite a few budgies what's a budgie it's a budgerigar it's like a canary it's a small bird okay but you

remember I think that bird remember the bird whose head fell off in dumb and dumber yes I think that's a budgie okay great pretty bird heads are falling off but once Martin became and man this sounds like the dream three donkeys yeah and three dogs and three donkeys I mean I can you know the cats he let's have like maybe four walking around yeah it's no it sounds like a cute life yeah and nine ponies is too much. Yeah. Yes. Yeah Yeah, just a couple of just one horse one horse, but three donkeys sign me up again I think you can handle it. I don't know if Martin could know ponies are useless, right? No, yeah Right. You can ride them. Yeah, you can like yeah, but that's it

You can just like you know, you know, you can farm them for their meat. You can get them for their milk I never ate pony, you know, we can have so I've had horse. I've had horse. Horse is it good. No it's not No, yeah, I don't really like horse. We're not normally. We're not used to horse. I don't yeah order horse No, well I have I have yes once yeah, I ordered horse once yeah Of course you order horse like we you didn't go to the fucking supermarket and buy horse EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT THE HORSE BOY! fucking supermarket and buy horse. Eat it! Eat it! Eat the horse, boy! Well, once Martin became more isolated on the farm, the meager social skills that he developed over the years began to regress.

He became more irritable, more erratic, and extremely quick to anger. But since the only person who saw him on a regular basis was Helen, nobody noticed that his behavior was getting darker. But perhaps what was most harmful when it came to Martin's eventual actions was Helen's insistence that Martin be made the exclusive trustee of her estate. She wrote up a new will explicitly forbidding any of her money from going to her blood relatives upon her death, which meant that when Helen died, Martin Bryant was all set to become a multimillionaire who could pretty much buy and do whatever he wanted. So crazy. This guy can't read, hasn't passed any school, does no zero skills, can't even

take care of the yard is going to become a millionaire and still wants to kill everybody. I want to see this movie that is Brewster's Millions directed by fucking David Finch. Like, David Fincher, like you literally do a thing where you have, like, you have to spend all the money and he's also on a killing spree. But concerning Martin's darkening moods, there were some red flags. A few weeks after Martin and Helen moved to their farm, a neighbor came by for tea. But before the neighbor finished her cuppa, Martin shooed her out the door and told her that if she ever came back, he'd shoot her. Martin also began skulking through his neighbor's properties at night, where he would use his

trusty air rifle to shoot dogs. But for most of the people in the town of Copping, Martin and Helen were merely the local eccentric couple. Every day, Martin and Helen would wake up late, then wander the local town aimlessly, shopping, eating long lunches, and driving around in a continuous stream of new cars filled with animals. This is all I wanna do, why is this so much?

Why is this asking too much? It's all I want for my life. Obviously, it's not gonna make you happy no but that's just cuz that's them yeah I can maximize it well actually I mean I don't know they were happy though they were I mean they drive around with their dogs their cats sometimes they'd stuff a pony in the back seat which greatly disturbed the locals as it should ponies don't belong in the back seat of a sedan unless they're taught to drive or handle the map. Yeah, you're supposed to tie them to the hood. That's the key.

Now naturally, Helen would do all the driving, but Martin had never given up on his old habit of suddenly grabbing the steering wheel to try and make them crash because he thought it was funny. To avoid accidents, Helen started driving slower and slower, but Martin still caused three accidents by jerking the wheel. When you got to get a joke, sometimes you got to let it ride for decades. Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Or are you talking to my father? We both have. That's what you have to have. It's called house jokes. I will say the one time I did this to my dad was the one time he like hit me in the face Oh, and I agree with him. Yeah, so this no, it's a lesson to learn

It was only a matter of time of course before Martin steering-mill shenanigans would have real consequences in October of 1992 Martin and Helen loaded three of their dogs into a brand new Mazda and drove north to do some shopping. Oh, now Martin later told police that at one point during this drive, Helen had become distracted by the dogs and she let the car drift into the other lane. It's far more likely, however, that Martin reached over and jerked the wheel because according to the person they hit that day, Helen's Mazda very suddenly swerved across the line and crashed into their sedan head on. Helen's neck snapped upon impact, killing her instantly,

in addition to the dogs. Martin, meanwhile, suffered a fractured vertebrae, while the third dog survived, ran back to the farm. If I was that dog, I would have ran the opposite goddamn direction. Not back to the farm. No. God, good lord. Back to the farm if I was that dog I would have ran the opposite goddamn direction not back to the farm no God a good look, but this is what we see a lot in these types of accidents Martin lived because he was like If there's something about not being like when they say with drunk drivers

Yeah, like how they always live with the crash because well It's because they're like bodies are loose and they're no they don't react They don't clench the way that's kind of what they say for you to do, you're supposed to go loose. Yeah, you do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, Martin's injuries necessitated a weeks-long stay

at the hospital, and he had to wear a neck brace for months. But without Helen around to manage Martin anymore, his parents were forced to step back into his life in a primary role. And forced is the key word. I think partially, too too when Helen came in they were super happy to be like, you got him now, bye bye! They worked their whole life or his whole life for this. Well they sort of vacillated between letting Helen have like complete control but the

other part of it was is that they found after spending you know 20 years taking care of him there was this weird hole in their lives when they didn't have to take it, when they had nothing to do anymore. So they actually started like getting back into his life like a little like they'd go and have lunch with him and Helen. His father like retired and wanted to spend more time with him. Like it's almost like they liked the punishment. Well, it's or it's or mortars. Yeah, like real parents. Yeah, martyrs. And so they're they go mortars. Like real parents, they're mortars,

and so they go through the process because they feel like they have to. This is why Julie's making me get the hunchback dog. It's cold. But it looks really cute though. I mean, the dog's definitely cute, and it's gonna be a great dog, but you know, at the same time, it's a hunchback.

But you know, we're gonna bell put in, and it's gonna be fine. And then Julie can wear your favorite style of dress, Hunchback And then Julie can wear your favorite style of dress like what else like what's her name wears in the in the hunchback Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, actually that's kind of nice. Yeah, think about it. All right, I'm in And you're the evil monk always But after the car accident Martin's demeanor suddenly, and this was almost certainly due to the head injury.

Where Martin had previously been brooding and solitary, he was now extremely chatty at all times, which increased his annoyance factor tenfold. Martin also regressed intellectually, and tried making friends with the neighborhood children by inviting them over to play Nintendo The kids however recognized that Bryant was a scary dude and they instinctively understood that he was someone to avoid Man, imagine sucking so much that kids don't even want to play Nintendo with you in like 1989 Well, you know what it was they do one of the affectations he gets and you see it now like when you later on when you watch All like you there. It's a couple interviews with him. He it's a girlish titter. It's like

Everywhere he goes and everything's funny and everything's like a funny bit and everything which is like again when you're married to a comedian. It's great Yeah, but when it's just some guy that doesn't know how to do it. I could see how it gets annoying. Yeah You know, we'll all be abandoned at some point. That's our that's a comedian's life Yeah, you know, but also you gotta imagine his house fucking smelled like shit Yeah, like it just covered in fucking piss and shit. Yeah, I mean bars real low. Yeah Yeah Yeah, like it just covered in fucking piss and shit. Yeah, I mean bars real low. Yeah Yeah, and that's the thing against his father's wishes Martin returned to the farm where he and Helen had lived So he could make a life by himself and Martin soon found himself in trouble with the neighbors due to his increasingly erratic and aggressive Behavior in March of 1993 Martin got on a bus and put his hand up a girl's skirt

Which got him kicked off by the driver Martin however ran to the next stop ahead of the bus and tried to get back on like nothing had happened. Oh, it's a Kramer When the driver refused Martin unleashed a tirade of verbal abuse before hailing a cab and he then had the cab Followed the bus while he hung out the window cursing and shaking his fist at the bus driver Cabbies will do anything you ask them to do Have you ever done it? I really will Dude, have you ever done it? I did it one time

I got no doubt to follow the car but I did a step on it Me too, yeah It was awesome I was like, let's go! Cab drivers have a fun life. Yeah, man Well everything with Martin changed in mid 1993 when Helen Harvey's will finally paid out Martin was now a multi millionaire although his father made sure that Martin did not have access to all of it at once I only wish that he could have had the jerk style lifestyle where you have the white suit

Yeah, like the tennis courts and all this shit like that's what this this story really could have went to the best millionaire ever like that's where the story could have ended up and it didn't yeah and I do wonder how many of those are out there? Many of them and they buy all companies and then become billionaires and then we all have to pretend like they're geniuses because they just came into the money in the first place and then they did they bought some hot air balloon business that all of a sudden takes off and now they're the balloon king of Tulsa or some shit That's true man Tulsa and their fucking balloons

Which is why I'm bringing my hand-picked needles to Tulsa pop the balloons We're using Australia's mental health act Maurice Bryant set up a perpetual trust for Martin Which ensured that Martin would receive a monthly stipend instead of a lump sum This is to make sure that Martin didn't blow all of it immediately But after Martin's father set up Martin's finances Maurice Bryant's alcoholism and depression Finally caught up to him. Seemingly broken by life, Maurice became sullen and quiet, and in August of 1993, at the age of 64, Maurice buckled a diving belt filled with weights around his neck, took a mix of Valium and antidepressants, and threw himself

into a body of water. He had left a note saying only, call the police, taped to the door of his home and it took investigators two days to find the body. Martin however, showed no human emotions whatsoever when told of his father's suicide. Martin smiled and joked with the police officers investigating his father's death and while some thought that Martin didn't understand what had happened, most believed that Martin was being Intentionally cruel with his demeanor. Do you think there's any chance he killed him? No, no No, he know he let's just say he didn't kill him with his hands. He killed him by being him. Yeah Yeah. Well, yeah, he was also just very depressed. Yeah, he's an alcoholic. Yeah lifelong. He has every reason to be sad Yeah, you did have a reason to be sad and he just set his son up for life, too

Yeah, so he probably just like fuck it ever my job is done. Well, definitely It's like I'm out now that he's a multimillionaire and he can do whatever he wants my yeah, my job is over Yeah But in the end what really mattered most here was that Martin Bryant had, within 10 months, lost the only two people who had ever been able to maintain any semblance of control over his actions. That, of course, would be Helen and his father. See, Martin's mother, Carleen, had a habit of turning a blind eye to Martin's difficulties, because she just kind of hoped they would resolve themselves. As such, after Maurice's death, Carleen basically abandoned Martin to the farm where Martin and Helen had once lived. Yeah, she peaced.

Yeah. Now totally isolated, Martin stopped trying to be accepted by people altogether, which was most evidenced by how he began to dress. Now flush with cash, Martin became partial to grey linen suits paired with lizard skin shoes. Cool! Topped off with a quote It's not that much Hey you like whole fish opens up a briefcase so much Other times Martin would wear an electric blue suit with flared pants and a ruffled shirt cool, but It's just Austin Powers, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, baby In other words his appearance was objectively amusing and people began laughing at him almost everywhere He went Martin's isolation and rage therefore began to build and by the end of 1993

Martin Bryant began using Helen Harvey's money to buy an arsenal of guns and ammunition Harveys money to buy an arsenal of guns and ammunition This of course was the first step towards the Port Arthur Massacre, which we will cover in full Devastating detail next week. So what happened because he dressed like shit. Yeah I mean it was that was part of the like big the beginning of it Well, cuz in the end he really thought like alright now I'm gonna dress like a big-timer I'm gonna dress like a big timer. I'm gonna dress like they all do in the movies. And like, which I get, that's what I wanna do.

Yeah, I love a stupid shirt. It's weird because it's disarming. I actually wear like big, friendly, colorful stuff because I don't want people to be scared of my appearance. Yes, Mark Ryan. First of all, but he just could not understand what the laughter was. Yeah.

And he intentionally took it in the worst way possible It's like the first time he ever made people happy. He decided to kill everyone. Yes Tell the difference yeah, he didn't know but yet that's uh, that's where we're at at the end of this episode What no, oh you were just? Henry was wagging his finger you were just wagging his finger at me. Just wagging his finger. If you want to see video of Virgil wagging his finger video of Henry wagging his finger at me, go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left where you can watch full video episodes of every episode we do. You can also watch side stories for free on YouTube. You

can also follow us on all the socials at LP on the left, Tick tock and Instagram's where you can find us. And of course come see us on tour. That's right. Yeah, we're gonna have a good time. I can't wait to do these live shows. We are going to have so much fun. I think right now we're in Toronto this weekend.

We're in Toronto and it is there. I'm there for my birthday. Also, if I believe right before this check out the LPN funhouse Live on twitch twitch.tv slash LPN TV, and I want you to check out my birthday celebration Which apparently I'm going to be lording over everyone isn't this gonna be going out the day after the funhouse? day after the fun house watch the replay, the YouTube channel, last podcast and a left YouTube channel fucking subscribe and all that stuff. We're going to be in Toronto on May 3rd, Atlanta on June 28th. And the next night, Henry and I are doing a side story show at dad's garage on June 29th, July 12th, Salt Lake city, August 8th, Charlotte, August

9th, Durham, September 20th, St. Paul, Minnesota, October 11th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, October 25th, Oakland, California, November 29th, two days after Thanksgiving will be in Cleveland. Just cheeseburgers for Thanksgiving. Yeah. We really got to be careful. We're going to watch some of the way we eat after Detroit. I had to look at my, take a look at my blood again Oh my god, and December 12th and 13th both nights were in Portland at Revolution Hall also starting on Tuesday on May 6th I begin my second leg of the invasive species tour

I'm coming to Naples and then I'm doing a Fort Lauderdale improv with Henry and Jackie at the That's gonna be a side story show and then we're doing two shows at the funny bone the next night after that and of course I'm gonna do the weekend in Key West So come on out if you're around in those spots if you're on vacation in Naples or Key West Please come hang out with us the late show in Orlando still has some tickets the early one sold out It's gonna be a fucking blast. I can't wait to come back to Florida I actually truly love it. He does and we're gonna have a good time no matter what you do We're gonna have a good time

So see you out there, and if not you won't be there so I can't do anything to you But if you are there, I could do you never do anything to anyone. Yeah, no I make them laugh. Yeah You'll see okay You never do anything to anyone. Yeah, no, I make them laugh. Yeah Okay Um Maurice, hell Maurice Yeah, but he bought him the gun he did buy him the gun but he was stupid yeah But he's the nicest guy in this story. I think everybody is you know, you know, how's about this? Hail donkeys donkeys are new troll yes dogs the dog that survived the crash yeah I'm gonna hail the dog that survived the crash and we all the way