Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 623: The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln Part III - Sic Semper Tyranus

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

The boys reach the title moment in the Assassination of Abraham Lincoln, retracing the footsteps of the first presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth, leading up to the dramatic execution of his plan, and his narrow escape from Ford Theater on April 14th, 1865.  For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Mustard don't do no bad. Mustard ain't high cal- mustard's not high cal- calorie or anything. If you're driving down the road

and you're eating mustard like with a spoon and it's too spicy and you cough and you accidentally pull your car into another lane because you chopped them from the mustard then it could be dangerous. That's not the mustard's fucking problem. It sounds like extenuating circumstances that surrounded the consumption of the mustard.

Mustard's too spicy. But sometimes it's not sometimes mustard's kind of sweet It is and also I don't find a yellow mustard to be spicy at all honey mustard Yeah, honey mustard yellow mustard and honey mustard Go fuck The last two episodes because we talked about like the on side stories. He's not into Ferrero Rochers No, I actually don't like him either. Yeah, what's nothing to like? Yeah Not snowball. I don't like hazelnuts. I'm starting to understand John Wilkes Booth Share a bed?

I am! We are going to on the road soon. I only sleep on the bed with my best friend! I ordered a twin bed for my twin man. Yes, but we soon won't be twins when I'm inside you. We'll be one man, one man in charge of a split I'm gone. Welcome to last podcast on the left ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks I'm here with Henry Zabrowski the split man

I am the split man and I am happy to be two halves Ready to come together onto the penis of the greatest living American president when he was alive We have Ed twin bed Larson with us Get in my bed. I've got two covers if that'll change your mind I can't even sit on a twin bed. Dude. I've been pillow nuts lately. We've got nine pillows Right now I'm going I'm a five pillow man Yeah, dude

I'm a five pillow man one under my head one grip to my hands one under my ass one between my knees one between my Feet one between your feet. Yeah interesting interesting I've been putting it under my feet lately and if I sleep on my back, I'm gonna put it under my feet I've been so comfy We're 40 years old I was just thinking 20 years ago this would not have been the conversation Filled pillows he found an orphanage. I was like, oh my towel works fine Why should I get a pillow? I had one pillow. I had one blanket I remember the pillow that I had during the cowman years that I would the one cuz I always I would always come in like covered and like makeup and like blood fake blood and I would never fucking wash it off before I passed

Out. Yeah, so just had this Horrible pillow tricolor pillow. That was also very brown and nicotine yellow my college Pillow if you took the cover off of it look like a bag of brown rice Filled with greasy ducks like it was just the worst thing and then a woman would sleep next to it. So every once the blue moon those poor ladies They didn't know any better Here we are John Wilkes both the assassination of Abraham Lincoln part three So when we last left John Wilkes Booth He had just convinced his co-conspirators in the failed plot to kidnap Lincoln that the best course of action

Following the fall of the Confederate capital of Richmond would be to simply murder the president along with various members of the executive branch Lot of shits going on right now. Yes, just so you know, you haven't listened to the first two episodes. We're killing Lincoln to the first two episodes, we're killing Lincoln. They're killing fucking Lincoln. I can't wait to do it again. Well, as far as motivation goes, Booth and his Confederate buddies had gotten quite riled up by Lincoln's mere suggestion in a speech made shortly before he was killed

that maybe some black people should have the right to vote at some point in the future. Sounds vague vague though. It is. No. Well, he was somewhat specific about it. He said, I think the exact quote was something along the lines of men who had served in the war and the extremely intelligent.

Oh, you don't want to throw too much at everyone at once. Well, I mean, that was actually what they argued against his cabinet at the time. He's like, you're doing too much. Like you just ended the war, give it some time. But Lincoln was like, no, I'm gonna fuck, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna say what I feel and I'm gonna say what I believe. Because I asked that question about the idea

of how did people really feel about slavery at the time. And I got some very interesting responses. But the idea that it was way more just people didn't, people in the North just kind of lived with it and didn't think about it. But then once it all became like you're like, oh, but now we're going to let black people vote. Yeah. And it seemed to be being an abolitionist was cool. It was all it was kind of it was like it was hit underground. Yeah. Do you think that maybe there were just like less farms up north that was part of it. Yeah that it didn't I mean there were quite a few farms up north at that point Like you know American industry hadn't really like kicked into high gear

Apples and corn and shit. Yeah, never see the hair gel orchards of New Jersey It's so beautiful the Tress M farms outside of Newark. Yeah, I mean America at large was very agrarian prior to the Civil War My god so when I went and saw Lincoln in the theater I went and saw it in New Jersey right when it came out and you know the scene where they're all voting on the 13th Amendment yeah, and then when they got to New Jersey in New Jersey voted no on the 13th Amendment, the entire audiences went, You could just hear in the back, oh, that's horrible. Well, John Wilkes Booth had also found a way to insert himself into history when he rationalized the murder of Lincoln by

comparing the president to Julius Caesar. when he rationalized the murder of Lincoln by comparing the President to Julius Caesar. In Booth's view, Lincoln was a tyrant in need of a Brutus because Booth believed that Lincoln planned to subjugate and destroy the United States with a particularly harsh focus on the Southern states that had made John Wilkes Booth a star in the acting world. Now unlike most straight men on the internet, I don't really care about the Roman Empire that much. Was Julius Caesar a bad man? Julius Caesar, I believe, in actual history, it was obviously vast and complicated, but in the play.

Like, this is more based upon the concept of Julius Caesar in William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar that shows him as like a... He's kind of like an obtuse man who is kind of just bent on his own power. He doesn't seem necessarily evil. He just is so incredibly powerful. And at the time they felt that a truly wise man would basically refuse the empire

because then he would become a dictatorship and it was all about Julius Caesar Slowly but surely coming around to the idea of what if I am emperor and a bunch of people deciding that's not a great idea All right Now Booth did not have a specific plan in mind when he pitched the assassination plot to his little band of co-conspirators From what it seems like the only part of the plan they had worked out at least halfway was how they were gonna escape the Union following the murders. We're going up!

If you'll remember, the kidnapping plan had involved Booth reaching the Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia by traveling at night and stopping at various safe harbors during the day. Places like John Surratt's Confederate safe house tavern just outside of D.C. and Dr. Mudd's plantation in Maryland. But once the plan changed from kidnapping to assassination, John Wilkes Booth and his co-conspirators planned to use these locations as hideouts after they escaped Washington DC, although

I'm not sure what good going to Richmond was going to do because it had fallen to Grant's forces a month earlier. They had a lot of kind of hasty made plans that had to be redone last minute. Yeah, there was a lot of we'll figure it out later. Also, he just loved Richmond, right? Yeah. Now to have a lot to do with it. Richmond was where he had first gained fame and he had said that he had found

solace in the hierarchy of Richmond, which had of course fallen apart in the year since because of the Emancipation Proclamation Also, John Surratt's Confederate safe house tavern bad name, you know people are gonna find it immediately John's place Don't worry, your hate is safe! The problem here though is that from what I can tell, the actual Confederates who were halfway funding boost plot from Canada, they'd never really gotten around to planning where the next safe house was gonna be after Dr. Mudd's farm. It was still quite a long ways from there to Virginia. This I think points to two possibilities. Either the plot to kill Lincoln to trade him for POWs was never taken seriously by the Confederacy or small operations

like Booth's were disorganized throw-everything-at-the-wall affairs that were never really expected to work but they were very good for introducing an element of chaos into the war. My opinion is it's both. Yeah. Yeah. It's a Hail Mary at the end of the game. Yeah. But whether Booth knew what he and his men were gonna do after reaching Dr. Mudd's farm or not the opportunity to murder President Abraham Lincoln presented itself to John Wilkes Booth on the morning of April 14th, 1865, when Booth dropped by Ford's theater to pick up his mail. Yes, I have wooden teeth monthly.

Excellent. I love to receive that. Oh, god damn, they found me another healthcare bill. Oh, that one. Oh, very good, very good. Another wonderful series of coupons to kills excellent oh the student loan officers from the men from my performing art school have found me once more will i have escaped this tyranny

while booth was chatting with one of the owners, a messenger from the White House arrived requesting a reservation for the presidential box. The Ford brothers, who did not share Booth's Confederate sympathies, happily agreed and arranged for the box to be decorated in patriotic fashion for the president's visit. I'm seeing red, white, and blue ribbons. I'm seeing a big fancy chair. I'm hoping we get a taco bar. Every single thing a president could need, all want. Yes, Edwin, that's the best idea I've heard all week. You're right.

What if we would have a margarita bar? Oh, yes, Mexican themed indeed. Oh, he would love it. Old Stinkin' Lincoln is gonna be having a time with his life tonight! Ha! It's part of the show! And it was also, and it was a big night as well as far as like being patriotic because I believe that it was the anniversary of the Confederate surrender of Fort Sumter which Fort Sumter had been the, you know, that had been the battle that had kicked off

the entire Civil War. Oh, I thought it was all for Earth Day. Yeah. Yeah, yes. Super into it at the time, super into it. But Booth, of course, began salivating when he heard the President was coming. See, since Booth was a regular actor at Ford's Theater

and Lincoln was a regular patron, Booth already had a plan worked out for how he could best murder the president during a play and escape unscathed. The presidential box was located through an outer door that led to a small vestibule which meant the Booth could shield himself from the audience whilst separating himself from Lincoln's box. Therefore he could wait in the darkness for just the right moment to step into history. I know that I have the perfect idea. Yes. I shall don a sheet, and I shall present myself to the President

as the ghost of his father. Now I will tell him, oh, I'm so disappointed you Abe! You gay man! I'm so disappointed in you, oh, I hate you Abe, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And his sheer disappointment, he will fling himself from the booth and impale himself into the orchestra rows, therefore making the president be the only president to commit suicide while unawful. And now finally under Confederacy, we underfinite the Confederacy in one fell swoop. Lincoln's box was often empty too because it was the one between Mary Todd's niece. That is disgusting.

You're a piece of shit. You're a fucking piece of shit. She was a well-sexed woman. Abraham Lincoln knew what he had to do. He knew he had to make love to her to convince her he's straight And it took a second, but once he got into it, he was pretty convincing Now there's evidence that Booth had plans to kill Lincoln no matter where Lincoln chose to have his next night out Whether it was at Ford's or at some other venue in DC, because Booth had knowledge of

and access to multiple theaters in town. See, the day before the assassination, Booth had dropped by to see the mother of one of his co-conspirators, the Confederate sympathizer Mary Surratt, and Booth had told Mary to tell the tavern keeper at Surratt's Tavern, his first safe house, to quote, have the shooting ions ready!

Ugh, fuck. Just all has to be so dramatic. Yes! Please and then bring me the stabbing sticks! And then I shall have... I need some burning liquid! I don't know names of things! Okay? I'm an actor. Normally they write the words down for me to thrat and frat.

But as happened, Ford's theater was Lincoln's choice on the evening of the 14th. So when Booth learned of Lincoln's plans, he visited his co-conspirators one by one to relate their parts in the plan, as most of them were still in Washington, D.C., waiting for their orders to strike. First, Booth instructed George Atzerat, the filthy German drunk, to register for a room at the Kirkwood Hotel with the purpose of assassinating Vice President Andrew Johnson. The Kirkwood was, at that time, the temporary home of the Vice President, who was staying there following his election until more suitable quarters could be found.

There was, however, a very good reason why Andrew Johnson was still without housing three months into his vice presidency, and it all went back to Lincoln's second inauguration. I'm just kind of a guy that likes to live out of a suitcase. I don't really see where the problem is. I'm a vice president, That should be a lot of do what they were the fucking is the one. See, Vice President Andrew Johnson, who would, of course, be president following Lincoln's murder, he was brand new to the Republican ticket in the election of 1864. Lincoln's first vice president, Hannibal Hamlin, was a radical Republican from Maine

who would strongly encourage the Emancipation Proclamation in addition to really going forth with calling for the arming of freed black people. He's like, give them guns, give them weapons, let them defend themselves. Hannibal Hamlin's a fucking G dude. Yeah he is. It's very Tom Morello of him. It is. But as I said last episode, Lincoln's re-election had not been a lock.

The army actually had trouble keeping recruits after the Emancipation Proclamation, because while Northern whites had no trouble fighting for the Union, the idea of dying for the rights of enslaved black people was another highly racist matter altogether. The key is to never tell Americans that one thing that you do could potentially help somebody else. If you just be like this helps you

like you just have to be tell an American it helps you. Oh yeah. And then that's how you get them on board. Or you just don't tell them at all. You just tell them it helps freedom. Yeah oh yeah. Just tell them it helps freedom just so long as it's not directly benefiting somebody else, especially someone who is not white. Also just kill forward. Yeah, that works too. Kill forward. Yeah.

So Lincoln made a compromise. He replaced his abolitionist vice president with a slave owning Senator from Tennessee, Andrew Johnson Andrew Johnson actually given up his 14 slaves Just a little over a year before he was elected as Lincoln's VP I'll tell you what nothing's been the same since I let go of my precious slavies. Yeah, I call them slavies Do I do a little cow funny little simple child name for the whole fucking bad shit I'm the vice president. I'm just here to make sure he fucking get shot first

Andrew Johnson however was either somewhat terrified at the very real prospect that he could be president if Lincoln was killed or He had no respect whatsoever for the Lincoln administration because on the day of Lincoln's second inauguration, Johnson had engaged in a day drinking session for the ages. With an extremely red face and a terrible case of whiskey breath, Johnson gave a rambling, nearly incoherent 20 minute speech speech in which he said the phrase I announced here today no less than 20 times all while the VP he replaced Hannibal Hamlin tugged on his coat and urged Johnson to wrap it up.

Shut the fuck up Hannie Hamlin. Hammy fucking Hammy Hammy Mr. Hannie Hammy. Fuck you I'm the vice president of the united states I announce here today everybody shut the fuck up I announce here today everybody stop giving me fucking shit cause all of the damn vice president they don't put advice in there if I was supposed to do only good things you get out there I I know it's here today. Everybody's fucking you fuck your mother I'm fucking not do whatever I want

Once Johnson took his mostly inaudible oath of office He grabbed the Bible he swore upon faced the audience and said quote I kissed the book in the face of the United States. And then he actually kissed the Bible. Oh yeah, oh fuck yeah man. Yeah, oh so much paper. Oh come my tongue. Oh fuck come cold and blue.

Johnson was so drunk that he couldn't administer the oath of office to the incoming senators and during Lincoln's second inaugural address Johnson sat with his hat over his face take a little nap and later had to be carried out of the inaugural ball Anybody else know fucking Lincoln's gay? I know he's a lavender fellow. that's what they say in the newspapers, but I tell you what he's got a bit more brown to him. You can't tell me to leave. I'll fire myself.

Johnson's drunkenness at the inauguration was not a secret. The Lancaster, Pennsylvania newspaper actually printed a phonetic transcription of Johnson's drunkenness at the inauguration was not a secret. The Lancaster, Pennsylvania newspaper actually printed a phonetic transcription of Johnson's slurred speech complete with hiccups, while the London Times reported that anyone else would have been arrested for being intoxicated in the Senate chamber, which I didn't know was a law. As such, Johnson had disappeared from the public eye in shame and hadn't returned to Washington, D.C. until the occasion of Robert E. Lee's surrender to Union forces on April 10th. That meant that Lincoln and Johnson had only met twice in two highly unproductive and highly unpleasant meetings that were held just days before Lincoln's death. I think Lincoln called him that miserable man and said, I can't imagine what kind of trouble he's going to cause in my second term.

All sorts of shit. You're not going to be around anyway to fucking hear about it. Sorry. Is that fucking spoilers? Maybe just keep them liquor it up. So he does nothing. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. I that's the thing is that I don't think he was an alcoholic at least that's what Lincoln said He's like he had one bad day bad day for mr. Johnson. Yeah, he just did not like Abraham Lincoln That's what I would say if I just picked the drunk as my vice president It was only the day he was inaugurated as vice president the United States were allowed to have bad day It's just today, don't worry about it. He's gonna be fine, he's gonna be fine. It was only the day he was inaugurated as Vice President of the United States, we're

all allowed to have a bad day. Yeah dude, it's just one day out of his year. But that's all to say, this was why Andrew Johnson was staying at the Kirkwood Hotel on April 14th, where John Wilkes Booth figured that Johnson would be an easy target for the consistently unwashed German immigrant, George Adzorak. You hate this guy. He's a fucking dick. He's a smelly fucking asshole. So after John Wilkes Booth set Azzarote on the path towards assassinating Vice President Johnson on the same night that Booth would assassinate President Lincoln, Booth returned to Ford's theater at 6 p.m. while the actors and crew were having supper.

See, Booth wanted to ensure that he would not be disturbed during the assassination and that nobody would follow him after the shot. So he entered the vestibule to the President's box when no one was around and closed the outer door behind him. Booth then took a knife and cut a small square in the plastic wall with the purpose of creating a socket that could hold a wooden brace that would keep the door jammed shut.

Booth, of course, would have his own method for escaping the presidential box after the assassination. Booth then took the stock of a music stand and tested his method for trapping the president. And there! Another rehearsal please! And action! I got you! Yes! And once satisfied that the brace would hold, he removed it and placed it on the floor where it wouldn't be noticed. Now after setting up the scene at Ford's Theatre, Booth left to meet the co-conspirators who would carry out the third assassination of the night. At 7 p.m. Booth took a meeting with

the crew's muscle, the 21 year old Confederate soldier Lewis Powell, along with the crew's geography expert David Harold. Oh if you're such an expert what do you call it when the mountain suddenly gets flat? When the mountain gets... What'd you do? When the mountain gets flat, you mean like when the big one gets little? I don't think he's a real geographer. You're a plant! You're a Union plant! I know not to go north. It's also...

What it's called is a plateau, which is also what my brother's career is doing right now Funny right it's a bit too funny geography joke. Yeah, let's kill us many presidents Paul's assignment would be to go to the home of Lincoln's Secretary of State, William Seward, Billy Sewy! and murder him in his bed. Harold, meanwhile, would wait outside, then use his geography experience to lead Powell out of town to a rendezvous point in Maryland where all four assassins would continue on to Dr. Mudd's plantation. Now, as far as why Secretary of State Seward was targeted, he'd been a vociferous abolitionist prior to the war and had argued consistently against any compromise

with the South concerning slavery. Seward had also earned the ire of Booth's beloved conspiracist Know Nothing Party by making appeals to the Catholic population. From Booth's Shakespearean view of the situation, William Seward was Abraham Lincoln's Mark Antony. By Booth's estimation, Seward was the one who was really running the country, and leaving him alive would have allowed Seward to step into the power vacuum.

So Seward had to die that very night along with Johnson and Lincoln. Oh, Vesiferous abolitionists, I had a great cocktail there in Salt Lake City last year. It was called the Andrew Johnson. Now at the very least, Abraham Lincoln's last day on earth was a good one. Robert E. Lee's armies had disbanded and Union General Ulysses S. Grant was visiting the President in Washington D.C. where the two men were having a victory

lap of sorts even though the war wasn't technically over. Well over 175,000 Confederate soldiers were still scattered throughout the South still under command and Jefferson Davis the Confederate President was stubbornly trying to continue the war after the fall of Richmond by giving orders from a boxcar in Greensboro North Carolina. Sir we ain't had rice in now two years. Don't you quit lying to me boy. Alright now go get the spaghetti then. Go get the spaghetti and throw the pasta noodles in. Oh we got spaghetti. Yeah good I thought we did. I thought we did.

Sir do you want these hobos in your box cart? Yes I do. They are my, that's my cabinet. Yes I love them both. I love Razor John. I love, I think his name, honestly the last time I heard his name was just Tugs. No that's Cigarette Bill. Yeah is just hugs. No, that's cigarette bill But even though there were still confederates itching to continue the fight

Lincoln was still Exuberant over the news coming from the front and was therefore in the mind to go see a play that night with his wife Mary Todd so he could blow off a little steam mind to go see a play that night with his wife Mary Todd so he could blow off a little steam. Now naturally, Lincoln invited General Grant to join at the theater with his wife, but Grant maintained that he and his wife wanted to leave Washington that night to visit their children in New Jersey. Others have suggested, however, that this was merely an excuse.

See, Grant's wife had been on the business end of a Mary Todd-Lincoln blowout a few weeks earlier, in which Mary Todd had made a woman cry for riding her horse too close to the president while the Lincolns were visiting General Grant at a military base. Therefore, Grant's wife wasn't really feeling the idea of a hang with Abe and Mary Todd, especially since, in the middle of Mary Todd's blowout, Mary Todd had openly accused General Grant and his wife of engaging in a plot to steal the White House. She might have been right about all of this. Yeah, yeah.

Guys riding too close to Lincoln. She's worried he's going to get killed. Turns out he's right. There's people mechanizing against in the background, wondering whether or not they're all jockeying for a position, try to figure out whether or not he's going to die or make it through the presidency. He was correct as well. And then didn't Grant switch political parties to win the presidency from Johnson? I do believe that that is true. So yes, she might have had some insight.

But you're forgetting, Eddie, she also was a crying woman. Yeah. And that was... Which is far more important as far as the historians are concerned. No one liked it. Mary Todd, she had issues, obviously. She did. Which is far more important as far as the historians are concerned People marry Todd she had issues. She did no no married I think a lot of it did have to do I mean married dot Todd definitely had her problems But I think it also had a lot to do with the fact that she was married to the president during you know The hardest time in American history her son Willie had died like three years earlier

The hardest time in American history. Her son Willie had died like three years earlier No, what I'm saying is I think you know people do portray Mary Todd Lincoln as you know, the the so-called hysterical woman I think it might be a little more fair to say that Mary Todd Lincoln had been dealing with a lot of shit Yeah, yeah, definitely and also, you know, she had other kids died too. Yeah, you'll say to kiss Abraham Lincoln Yeah, that must have fucked her chin up with all the whiskers Also, you know what I forgot to bring up guess what's also coming up this week. They're killing the penny What what they're wiping out the penny? We're not getting the penny anymore. Really Lincoln's dead again He's on the dollar bill. Five dollar bill.

No, five dollar bill. Yeah, but I barely use those. Five dollar bills? Yeah, I use pennies. I like to throw them at people on the street. I like to throw them for my car. Well, now you can start collecting them and they're worth something.

Wow. Yeah, they're worth, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what they say about pennies? Saving them makes sense. I read that on a Bazooka Joe comic. It's weird. I read that same thing and it was just on the side of a bazooka. Well, Grant begged off by saying that they needed to go see their kids, and Mary Todd instead invited the assistant secretary of war, who also made an excuse by pretending to be busy with work. Finally, though, Mary Todd settled on Major Henry Rathbone, a friend of the Lincolns.

I'll come. You ain't asked me yet. You see, he asked two other people in front of me. I don't know why. You're not busy, right? Nope. Good old Hank Rathbone? Hank Rathbone ain't got nothing going on.

I've never had a plan. Oh boy, the theater? Oh look, the theater. No good old Hank Rathbone. Hank Rathbone ain't got nothing going on. I've never had a plan. Oh boy, the theater? Oh wow, yay. Can I bring my whistle? Yes, you can bring your whistle.

And also joining Major Rathbone was his fiance. And so they became the Lincolns box mates at the theater on April 14th Sadly though the lives of Major Rathbone and his future wife would be forever changed by their night at the theater with the Lincolns Rathbone's mental state would steadily decline in the decades following Lincoln's death due to his perceived inability to save the president from John Wilkes Booth. In reality, there was absolutely nothing he could have done. His head kept going from the front to the right, from the front to the right, from the front to the right. His hat wasn't there. His head exploded from the front to the right Slam poetry open mics fucking amazing

So good in a fit of madness 18 years later major Rathbone shot and murdered his wife in an attempted family annihilation before attempting suicide by stabbing himself five times in the chest. Rathbone, however, survived and was convicted and committed to an asylum for the criminally insane where he died in 1911. Cool. It's a ninja. I had never, I did not know, but I had never heard of that. That the guy that was in the fucking booth with Lincoln murdered his wife and tried to stab himself in The chest 20 years later because he was so upset about it

You know what is a fucking guy couldn't even annihilate his own family You know it's interesting I feel like this is one of those Where it shows how? Nerds how big of nerds we've become. We're like, it really brings history to life. It's the truth, it's the idea of you don't, I don't think about it in terms of like, you just always think about it as like paintings

in a museum or like pages in a history book and you're like, no, you was fucking traumatized by watching the guy blow his brains out or watching spin the whole country into fucking total chaos So that he had his own fashion family annihilation breakdown. Yeah. Yeah He was like how many people throughout history could be described as all fucked up. He's one mm-hmm Just imagine stabbing yourself in the chest five times. Oh, it's not just not being able to fit, but he finished the job He does he was really genuinely sad

able to fit but he finished the job he did he was really genuinely sad look at Arnie Lang he lived yeah he did that was 13 he's the only one of that entire crew dirty work still fucking alive I was thinking about that the other day it's crazy yeah dirty work incredible movie yeah even Jack Warden's dead well he was old he was very. Now even outside of family annihilations, there's a lot of speculation as to what would have happened if General Grant had attended Ford's theater that night instead of Major Rathbone. Some say that Grant's military retinue would have prevented Booth from reaching President Lincoln with a pistol, but Grant and Lincoln had attended a performance at Ford's Theater just two months earlier,

and there is no evidence that guards were posted outside their box, nor that a full military escort had accompanied them. So in reality, it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference. There's also speculation that Lincoln didn't even want to go to the theater that night, but that Mary Todd had insisted. Two months after the assassination, however, Mary Todd wrote in a letter that she'd actually had a headache that night and had wanted to stay at home, but had agreed to go to the play because her husband, quote, had his mind fixed on some relaxation.

In fact, by Mary Todd's recollection, Lincoln's mood on the day of his death was, quote, and this is a direct quote so gay Okay, of course meaning happy in the parlance of that time My mom used to say that about people she saw on the television and stuff that she thought was gay She'd be like he's happy and light-hearted Mmm, happy pride. Yep. Yep. He was in her words bullish and suprem cheerful, much as he'd been in the old days before the war. Ha ha ha ha! And the death of their 11-year-old son, Willie,

three years earlier. Ha ha, boo hoo, that's what I did then. Now I'm going, ha ha, boo hoo. At least he died happy. Yeah. Lincoln and Mary Todd had even taken a relaxing carriage ride on the afternoon of the 14th to the Navy Yard Interestingly the Navy Yard was Lincoln's number three visitation spot during his presidency behind the White House and Soldier's home

Having been host to no less than 60 visits from the president in the first three years of the war It's nothing like sitting down in a bench and watch a bunch of sailors tossing ropes War. There's nothing like sitting down on a bench and watching a bunch of sailors tossing ropes. Now Abraham Lincoln was a massive fan of the theater. God everything about it. Credible interior decorator, wonderful dresser, excellent cook. actually, it wasn't Carson Kressley. He was the one who coined the term Juge. Isn't that incredible? Lincoln was, as I said, a massive fan of the theater, and he'd seen shows at

Ford's countless times prior to the night of his death. In fact, Lincoln had already seen the play that was being performed on April 14th multiple times. That play, of course, was a satire called Our American Cousin. Thank God I was worried it didn't know how it ended. No, you know, you know.

Our American Cousin was a British fish-out-of-water comedy that played the interactions between a vulgar, backwards American cousin and his uptight British family for laughs. The American cousin has inherited the family fortune, and the uptight British family for laughs. The American cousin has inherited the family fortune and the uptight British family led by a noble with the humorous name of Lord Dundreary. My sides are already split in. They did have all the crazy shenanigans. Lord Dundreary is forced to endure his crass country

bore manners in order to retain access to their generational web Now the lincoln's arrived at ford's theater around 8 p.m And we're greatly enjoying the performance of our american cousin when John Wilkes Booth arrived on horseback in a narrow alley behind the building at 930 first let me lube up the front of this horse so it could fit in the alley. Excellent. Jam packed filled with horse. Lincoln loved the narrow alley himself.

Yeah I really do prefer a nice heave in bottom of this alley. So while the owners of the theater and most of the actors were not Confederate sympathizers, a stagehand and old family friend of the Booth, Ned Spangler, was. So when Booth arrived in the alleyway, he specifically asked for Spangler. Spangler, being an unreliable drunk, did not have any previous knowledge of the conspiracy. But Booth figured that he could trust Spangler to at the very least watch his horse but Spangler was working the play so he forced a fellow employee at Ford's a guy named Johnny peanut to watch You bet, absolutely. Now which one is the horse? Which one of that? If you're gonna ask, tell me about it. JOHNNY PEANUT! You asked for me. You know, that's why I ain't no way around.

I literally asked Mr. Peanut to watch the horse. That's my father's name, Mr. Peanut. You can call me Johnny Peanut. I got it to the top of my head is smaller than the bottom of my head. What is that right there? Is that a dog? No, it's a horse. John Luke's booth, I don't understand. You walk inside him? Now Booth's entrance into Ford's theater was suitably dramatic and completely unnecessary. After walking inside through the back, Booth lifted the trap door that led to a basement beneath the stage. Aha!

Finding his way along the dirt floor in the dark, Booth crossed underneath the stage during the performance. Slither like a snake, like a man in the shadow. Then he found the second trap door that opened to the other side. Mm-hmm. Booth then made his way to a door that led to another alley. Another door, another alley? I don't mind that at all. There Booth exited the theater and entered the adjoining saloon.

Now looking at a diagram of the area, there's absolutely no reason that I can see as to why Booth had to go into the theater and crawl under the stage to get to the side door when he could have very easily just dropped off his horse and walked around the building directly to the saloon. Sneaky sneaky Johnny, sneaky sneaky Johnny, likes to do his sneak, sneaky sneaky Johnny. That would have gotten him caught. Everyone knows him there, he gets his mail there. Just walk in the fucking door. No, I am the phantom. I am the dark vengeance. I am the man who won't kill the president.

I mean, I do understand him going in through the back, or at least having his horse back there. I understand he needed the horse out back so he could escape. But the alley led directly to the saloon. He could have just walked over the saloon. He didn't have to go inside do all the subterfuge but I think since Booth looked at everything as a performance all the subterfuge made him feel as if he was in the role. He's doing what he expected an assassin to do rather than what made the most sense., he definitely reminds me of like those fat fucks in Charlottesville or any of those guys with a Punisher Flickin tag where they have like all the gear they have all the stuff

They have like you've got all the crazy mags and all the weird pocket harnesses and shit It's looking the part and playing the part. We're looking the part first Yeah And shit, it's looking the part and playing the part. We're looking the part first Yeah Now after booth had a whiskey and water at the saloon He walked to the front doors of Ford's theater and asked for the time The doorkeeper who knew booth as well as everyone else at Ford's theater told the actor to go inside and check the clock in the lobby You fucking idiot. Do I look like a fucking walking clock or is there a clock in the other fucking room? Let me get my son die about oh guess what it's dark

Improvising an argument are we having one? Game of improv, but if you're really yelling at me stop the clocks in the lobby improv. But if you're really yelling at me, stop! The clock's in the lobby. Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. Once inside the theater, Boothet made his way upstairs towards the presidential box. Now, President Lincoln did have a bodyguard that night, a man named John F. Parker, but as we discussed last episode, Lincoln's security protocols were lax to say the least. And to this day, nobody has been able to produce a satisfactory answer as to where Parker actually was when the president was shot. There is no satisfactory answer unless it's in front of the bullet. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it's also I feel like there's almost a portal that some people like just walk into where it's like it's that guy, the same guys that like where the guys that were supposed to be watching Jeffrey Epstein where those guys go It's like there's like a portal and all these guys ended up at the same place Yeah at the same time Nexus all just hanging out in a giant white like endless lobby It's just being everywhere except where they're supposed to be probably just staring at a wall in a super crucial moment in his American history that guy did he kill his family too? Uh, no, he was just like I'm sorry. Yeah When John Wilkes Booth arrived at Lincoln's box The only person standing watch was the president's valet and footman Charles Forbes

If you ever seen Veep like Charles for us, he was like the equivalent of Gary, you know Like the guy that's played by Tony Hale. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, he's concerned more with the president's comfort than his safety more with the president's comfort than his safety. Excuse me, Mr. President, Jeff Hicks Booth is here. He said he's going to kill you, but I don't really think he's going to. I just want to make sure. Do you have your do you have your shoe inserts? I know you have some time. I don't know.

Do you need a water? Do you need water? Do you need some gum? Do you want me to take Mary Todd and take her down the street so you can have sex with a man? Yes, please. That you can do. Posed haste.

I know it's April so I just don't have any of your wet wipes here right now because I know your body is a little... We had a very long conversation about how I need wet wipes because I can't schmear in front of the South. I understand. Mr. President, next week is 420 if you want me to get you some weed I can try to find you some.

420? That sounds wonderful. I would love a pair of weeds. maybe some dandelions for married women. I don't think you understand what I'm talking about. What this meant was that all John Wilkes Booth had to do when he got to Lincoln's box was get past Forbes. And Booth easily did so by simply handing the president's valet his calling card, which says, I'm John Wilkes Booth the famous actor and since Booth was a famous actor Forbes scrutinized the card and satisfied

himself that Booth had legitimate business with the president so Forbes waved Booth through before returning his personal attentions back to the play play. Which truly- You go and see him right now, Mizzuth, absolutely. He farted at dinner. Oh, he's dead. He doesn't know how to use the- What happened? Was that laughing to her? Well, once Booth was past Forbes and into the vestibule, he kneeled and picked up the

stick that he'd laid out earlier. Then he braced the door so no one could enter once the shooting began. Booth had also cut a small hole in the door leading from the vestibule to the box. So Booth peered through and saw his target, President Abraham Lincoln, sitting in a large rocking chair. I hope your brain's all ready to be confetti.

Got you Lincoln, got you Lincoln. You fucking don't know what's coming for you fucking Lincoln. I got your fucking ass Lincoln. Once the door was blocked and the president was in his sights, Booth rose and drew his small derringer in anticipation of a moment of his choosing during the play. See, while Booth had never performed in a production of Our American Cousin, the play had been fantastically popular,

so Booth was well acquainted with the script. He therefore had timed his shot to coincide with a tried and true line that had always earned a big laugh from the crowd, and that laugh would hide the noise of Booth's shop. As such, the last thing Abraham Lincoln ever heard was this line They know the manners of good society. Hey, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out old gal You suck jolly zizing you suck dolly zizing old man trap Favorite punchline I Laugh about it to this day with my family

I laugh about it to this day with my family And with that line booth pushed open the door to the box Raised his derringer and squeezed the trigger less than two feet from President Lincoln's head with a bang The lead ball smashed into the president's skull fully penetrating his brain before lodging itself behind his right eye As Lincoln's body went limp in his head slumped against his chest as if someone had turned out a light, Booth yelled out his infamous line. Six, Semper Terronis! Which of course means, thus always to tyrants.

Booth then pulled out his knife and lunged at Major Rathbone. I putty, I just can't make putty. But he only managed to cut Rathbone's arm. Booth's brace, meanwhile, was doing its job well and was preventing anyone from entering the president's box in time to catch Booth before Booth made his escape. Now a scream from the box, either from Mary Todd Lincoln

or Major Rathbone's wife, startled the audience out of its delight. And when the actor who delivered the sock-dologizing man trap line instinctively looked up at the box, the audience's eyes followed. What they saw, and this is incredible to think about from the audience's perspective at this point in time, they saw the famous actor John Wilkes Booth attempting a stunt that

he'd performed a hundred times before. See Booth's signature stunt was the 15-foot stage jump, and John Ford himself had seen Booth make that same jump three years earlier during a performance of Macbeth in Baltimore. But if you'll remember, John Ford had decorated the president's box with flags in honor of the president's visit,

and Booth, who'd never killed anyone before, was probably a little frazzled after his first murder I can't well see let's give them what they paid Booth therefore fumbled the stuff By getting his spurs appropriately tangled up in an American flag They've been draped over the presidential boxes rail and booth therefore landed on the stage awkwardly and off balance It wasn't a total fuck-up, but it certainly ruined the drama of what was supposed to be Booth's defining moment Now it's often said that John Wilkes Booth broke his leg during this jump and thereafter

Bravely made his escape with a massive injury that would have caused a lesser man to crumple on stage from the pain. The only evidence for that, however, was John Wilkes Booth's own writings. Later, Booth wrote in his diary that he broke his leg jumping to the stage, but witnesses on the scene said that Booth did not falter when he landed from the President's box, nor did he limp away when he escaped. Multiple witnesses also said they saw Booth running through Washington D.C. that night with incredible speed.

All of this, of course, would have been highly unlikely if not impossible with a broken leg. But John Wilkes Booth did have a broken fibula when he arrived at Dr. Mudd's plantation later that night as per the plan. But according to Dr. Mudd, Booth did not say that he had broken his leg in the fall. Rather, Booth told Dr. Mudd straight up that his horse had tripped and rolled with him still in the saddle during Booth's ride to the plantation. I never should have taken him through Bananaville. Never, even though he was funny at the time. Very amusing for many to see. Unfortunately, I have a boo boo, Dr. Mott. But of course, a horse accident is nowhere near as impressive of a story as Booth's later

revision. But to this day, people still say in that fucking show manhunt You know like it made a big show of like booths tripping and breaking his leg. It's still being told to this day It's cuz it's a funner story than you're the horse falling down. It's funnier with the horse falling. Yeah, of course It's funny. You know who knows maybe they couldn't get the proper horse stunt actor. It's so hard These horses these days are such fucking pussies. None of them wanna do the horse. They need to get in there.

Yeah, they do. But they're losing, they're losing horse stunt jobs to AI. These horses need to fucking gum up. They need to go down there. They need to do the work. They need to be able to fall on cue like they used to and then take it and shot in the head. You gotta sign the waiver, horses.

I know you don't have hands, but you know sign it. You can just do it with their fucking hooves Clomp it. Yeah But regardless of when Booth broke his leg he stood to his full height when he landed on stage He raised his dagger above his head. He shouted quote the south shall be free and Scurried off towards the back alley where his horse was still being held By the hapless Johnny peanut Oh Also the South shall be free is exactly what Lincoln was trying to do.

He literally was trying to do it, buddy. He was trying to do it. Some people were like, what are you saying? Are they charging to go down south? I don't understand. Now no one was more surprised to see John Wilkes Booth at that moment than his fellow actors. And some of the actors on stage at that very moment had coincidentally Coincidentally had deep personal connections to the Booth family lead actress Laura Keane playing the role of Florence Trenchard

She also owned the rights to our American cousin. In fact, she was the one who'd made the play such a hit in America Coincidentally, she had also engaged in a love affair with Booth's brother, Edwin, years earlier. Ooh, shit, ooh. Ooh. Laura Keene had also been involved in a lawsuit with Booth's brother-in-law over a bootleg production of Our American Cousin in Philadelphia. But Keene had dropped the suit after Edwin Booth

gave his brother-in-law personal information about Keen that could have caused a scandal and ended her career. If you touch her butt, her tits fart. Put that in your pocket. Keep it for a rainy day. And here on this night, you had yet another member of the Booth family fucking up Laura Keene's day. Because after this, the play that Keene had worked so hard to make a hit, Our American Cousin, it would forever be relegated to the land of presidential assassination trivia. The true victim of this whole thing. Theater employees also recognized Booth and one even

thought that the whole thing was an elaborate prank because it was fucking ridiculous to Think that John Wilkes booth the actor had just shot the president How cool would have been though if Lincoln stood up being like You guys were just gonna see the look on your faces! It was all an elaborate joke! Yes! A Jap-a-Jabbit! Guess what? I'm gay as hell! You know, like, comes out for anybody. Yes he is!

And as am I! Is that not surprising? Dude, we're just kissing! Let's kiss, bro! No, I'm also joking... ...again. Oh... Oh, you're not joking no neither am I Because the whole scene was just so fucking surreal very very few people, not the cast nor the crew nor the audience,

really knew exactly what to do in that moment. Only one person in the audience, a Major in the Union Army, leapt up on stage to give chase when Booth ran away. That Major's path, however, was blocked by more bewildered actors and by the time the major got outside John Wilkes Booth had already struck Johnny Peanut in the face with the butt of his knife It was quickly galloping away towards, Maryland I'm having a good time, although it's petting his mane. Unless I'm already angry with him. Why is everybody angry with Johnny Pina? I mean, it also makes it, Derringer isn't that loud either.

It's just a pop. Yeah, yeah, it's a quick little pop. So if there was a laugh, then I assume most people had no idea what happened until it was already over. Well, you heard the line. Yeah, Six Separaturanas? No. Soctologizing old man trap.

Yeah, that was the thing. Yeah, of course, of course, no one could handle that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, it really was he was waiting for that line specifically think of another comedian Who's actual like one stellar bit? What's the guy who would always crush? Prior Wow. Yeah, let's just say prior. How about we say prior? Richard prior. Yeah. Yeah. I actually think it's more like a Jeff Dunham It's like it's more like or maybe or like Eddie Murphy doing the goony goo goo get her done like Done just worked would cover Or maybe or like Eddie Murphy doing the goony goo goo or better done like ah get it done done Just worked would cover many a presidential assassination

You put it correct Now one of the other people who'd immediately reacted to the shooting was a young army surgeon who'd attended the theater that night specifically because he'd read in the afternoon paper that the president was going to be in the audience. The surgeon however, even after making his way up to the box, was stymied by the brace that Booth had left behind. Finally Major Rathbone realized the problem and he removed it, just as another doctor was being hoisted from the stage directly below to examine the president. The two doctors examined Lincoln and found that a small clot of blood was plugging

the hole where the lead ball had entered the president's skull. I found the problem. It's this big old gunshot in the back of his head. I think this is going to be an issue. the president's skull. The president appeared dead in that very moment, but when they removed the clot, Lincoln began breathing normally. Six soldiers were then ordered to carry Lincoln out of the president's box and into a nearby house for further observation, because it was obvious that Lincoln would not survive a trip back to the White House The crime scene that was Ford's theater meanwhile was not secured in any way whatsoever Forensics the way we think of it didn't exist back then so crowds began stripping Ford's theater and the president's box for grisly

souvenirs immediately. One man made off with the president's bloodstained cravat. Another found the stick that booth had used to trap Lincoln. They just handed booths derringer to a fucking reporter. That's true. I mean, it's very interesting. Yeah, it's crazy, but didn't they use it in the trial? The derringer wasn't an exhibit. They probably got it back eventually, but a reporter ran off with it. Crazy. People were so hungry to get a piece of history that some even began chipping away The wood on the doors of the house where the president lay dying at that very moment Now that's a sticky audience. Yeah, but if you'll remember President Lincoln white true crime now

But if you'll remember President Lincoln Lincoln, why true crime now? But if you'll remember, President Lincoln was not the only target that night. There was also the matters of Secretary of State William Seward and Vice President Andrew Johnson. Now perhaps unfortunately, depending on your point of view, the only bad person targeted by John Wilkes Booth that night was also the only one who came out of it completely unscathed.

That person, of course course was vice president Andrew Johnson He just seems like a guy who drunkenly mr. Merguz his way through many like all of his life. Yep until impeachment as it turned Let's get a mulligan on the president see the person see if we could. I love peaches. Yeah, in Peaches and in Mint that just sounds horrible. When I see peaches out there you're right peaches get in peach meat. Why don't we go get some rumple mint? Yay why do you get rumple mint you fucking come on you come on let's party let's hang out we never do that. Oh hold on you're a horse. Oh you know what? There are many there are many, I've been hung out with my horse

in like days. We've been that horse besides under me, take me places. Well as it turned out, the German immigrant co-conspirator charged with killing Lincoln, George Atzeroth, he had in fact been in the same room as Andrew Johnson at around the

same time Lincoln was shot. It was the bar at the Kirkwood Hotel. Atzeroth was even armed and had every opportunity to kill the Vice President. But Atzeroth had also been drinking for the better part of the day. And after having a whiskey at the hotel bar, he very simply chickened out and left, hoping that he could just forget about the whole thing and start a new life in Germantown, Maryland on his cousin's farm. This was of course despite being heavily involved in the conspiracy to wipe out the executive

branch of government. Do you know how many people in Germantown, Maryland are just trying to cool out after having tried to wipe out the executive branch of the government? It's a horror, but it's like where you go. It's a first stop. Yeah. Atzerodt, however, couldn't help but talk about the government. It's all horror, but it's like where you go. It's a first stop. Yeah. Atzerod, however, couldn't help but talk about the assassination. And after telling people that he knew things about the plot that others didn't, he was awoken around

sunrise just four days after the president's death by a police officer holding a.44 pistol to his skull. But while the assassination of the Vice President had not even been attempted, the assassination of Secretary of State William Seward was a bloody affair that damn near came close to success. At the same time that John Wilkes Booth was killing President Lincoln, his co-conspirators Lewis Powell and David Herrold were hitching their horses to a post outside of Secretary of State Seward's home, with plans to go inside and commit murder most foul. You guys need someone to watch your horse?

You're trying to kill somebody else? That's nothing to do. Damn it, Johnny, get to the theater! I was at the theater, but everybody was super mad with my results, sir. No one liked what I did then. Seward was arguably the easiest target of all all because he was bedridden at the time of the assassination. Nine days earlier, Seward had been riding in a carriage when the horses took off while

the driver was off the perch opening the carriage door. Seward leapt from the runaway carriage when the horses slowed down to take a turn, but the 63-year-old politician mistimed his leap to safety. That man's probably jumped once in his life. Seward therefore hit the ground head first, shattering his face, jaw, and right arm when he smashed into the pavement. As a result, Seward was in bed recovering from his injuries when his assassins arrived. I just love this fuck, because old time medicine is also fucking rough.

So he's just covered in metal braces, just like... ... ... This is the transition point, when like all medicine hurts. Yes. Man, I remember I tried to do the same thing one time when I was in a parking lot riding on my buddy's car, like hanging on the back trunk just for fun. And then he started to go too fast and my hands started slipping. And in my mind I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna start running.

And then I'm just gonna keep running when I let go of the car. Of course you had the Wile E. Coyote wave. And that's the safety. And I just hit the ground face first and knocked out my tooth. Nice. Yeah, but we went and saw Event Horizon. That was a nice day. That is awesome.

That is awesome. That's a great day. Yeah, it wasn't bad. So I understand what he did. I get it, you want to jump. You think you can handle it. Yeah, you're like, ah, just start running. Let's see what happens.

Yeah. Now the plan here was that Harold would stand watch while Powell killed Secretary Seward and anyone who stood in his way. Harold would then use his geography skills to guide both of them out of the city towards the rendezvous point with Booth. How? Is this supposed to be like, uh, yeah, that's a fjord. He's got the map in his head. He knows directions. Oh, sure. I just thought he meant he knew like, what formations were.

Like, yeah, sure, that's pleasant teen rock or that's Byzantine rock well, that's Circutus that's not that's not a mule. That's not geography. That's geology. That's knowledge of rocks. It's totally different thing You know I once lost the geography B because I didn't understand that someone was asking for the definition of dirt Because I didn't understand that someone was asking for the definition of dirt Go both ways here either way, it's fucking stupid you're talking about dirt and talking about rocks I got friends in the geology department. I think that's what I'm saying But the plan fell apart very quickly as it went Powell knocked on the front door of Seward's home, and when Seward's servant opened the door, Powell said that he'd arrived

with important medicine from Seward's doctor, something to help with his injuries. The servant said, sure, just give it to me, I'll take care of it, which is apparently an eventuality that Powell didn't think of. Ha ha ha. Okay, here you go, I can't break the rules of improv. Ha ha ha. So Powell began arguing with the servant, I just... Okay, here you go. I can't break the rules of improv.

So Powell began arguing with the servant, telling him that he had to deliver the medicine to Seward personally, and eventually the hubbub attracted the attention of Seward's son. Powell then made like he was going to leave, but when he turned away, he took the opportunity to pull out his pistol. He squeezed the trigger, but the gun misfired. Fuck! So Powell pistol-whipped Seward's son and left him on the ground with a skull fracture bad enough to expose his brains to the open air. Cool.

A male Army nurse attending to William Seward heard the commotion and came out of his room. Why is he specifically that he's a male Army nurse? Because when I first wrote Army nurse, I thought that maybe people would think at the time that it would just be a nurse. They would think I was like, okay Well, if it's 1865 then it might be a woman But I wanted to make sure that people knew that it was a man and not a woman it makes the fight crazy Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah, because yeah, it's you know, how slashing in a woman. That's one thing, but you know, man It's different man nurse

Something else altogether it is But when the male army nurse attending to William Seward heard the commotion and came out of his room He was met with Powell's knife Powell slashed at the nurse and smashed the handle into his head causing the nurse to fall backwards if I was a woman you would have done Where do we want to send her? Pau then made his way upstairs and pushed his way into Seward's room, past Seward's daughter Fanny, where Pau found Secretary Seward lying in bed, completely helpless.

Kill me! Just fucking do it already, fucking kill me! Oh thank god you're finally here! Somebody's here to do something. Finally do it. Oh, Mr. Reaper, please hit me with your sickle. But even though Seward could do little more than roll over, Powell still somehow missed Seward with the first slash of his knife. Which... You should have had the geography expert in there to help him.

His neck Higher, higher, higher North, it's you know Instead how It's north up or it's up, up Or it's north that way You gotta tell me different Come here you fucker, stab me in the heart

Stab me in the fucking heart I'm a man and a nurse I'm a man and a nurse Well the first slash instead hit the headboard But with the second slash Powell caught the secretary on his cheek and landed many more slashes afterwards on Seward's head and neck. At this point though, the army nurse this fight! He entered the room and took Powell down to the ground, but Powell managed to break free and run away. On his way out, he stabbed a messenger in the back, all while screaming, quote, I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm just the messenger, I'm mad.

But when Powell got back to his horse, he found that he was now all alone. David Harreld had gotten spooked by all the commotion and had taken off without him. So when Powell jumped on his horse and rode away, he had not the slightest clue as to where he was supposed to go next. As it turned out, the carriage accident had inadvertently saved William Seward's life. Seward had been wearing an iron brace to help his jaw heal. Yeah! And even though his jaw was now barely attached to his face due to Powell's rip-

Slashings. The brace had caused Powell's knife blows to a glance off Seward's neck. Thank God for this brace then, huh? Thank God that certainly didn't end me quick. Now I get to continue to fucking live. Someone get my large cock nurse over here. Hey, how about one of you guys next time throw a fucking grenade in here or something?

Something to finally end me because I guess I can't fucking die. I mean, Powell had totally failed to kill a bedridden old man. Like, he was, it was like, I mean, you talk about shooting fish in a barrel, stabbing an old man in bed is the murderous equivalent of that. I guess I could move my fucking torso fast enough. equivalent of that I Fucking torso Would like to make a case to change the expression to stabbing an old man in a bed Stabbing an old man in a bed It's in the site guys now. Yeah, Rob put it on the whiteboard. We'll check if we could

Pal over did cause Seward much further pain Seward's new injuries prompted his doctor to fashion a vulcanized rubber splint for his jaw Fit inside his mouth and screwed to his teeth. There's no fucking reason for this! I'm begging to die! I'm begging to be killed! For months afterward, his cheek had to be lanced so the fluids could drain out. But William Seward had nevertheless survived Booth's plot to have him killed.

Yep! What's true what they say. What does it kill you? Now since the president had been shot and the secretary of state was nearly killed It was only natural for people to assume that this had either been a Confederate conspiracy or a full-on coup. Washington DC was awash with rumors that Lincoln's entire cabinet had been killed, that hundreds of Confederate prisoners had escaped, or that General Grant had also been murdered in a train car. Suffice to say, tempers were running high that night, so the public turned

their attention towards the location of the murder, Ford's Theater. Swarms of people blamed the building for what had happened there, and began breaking off anything that could be broken. People get weird. Some people in the mob even began calling for the building to be set on fire with the actors and employees inside because from the mob's perspective, it was the theater's fault that the president had been killed. It's capital T theater. Burn the place. Burn the costume. This shows that like when you have a mob of people, a well timed get it. Just like tear everything apart. Oh, what if we get them? Yeah, like that's a lot of stuff.

Yeah. President Lincoln, meanwhile, was not doing well, although his doctors were surprised at how fit Lincoln still was. They quote marveled at his muscular development, remarking that if Lincoln had not been in possession of the chest and arms of an athlete, even at the age of 56, what a silver fox, he would have probably died from that shot immediately. Hey, how about you guys quit masturbating

and try to save my life, okay? The bullets in my head, not my legs. The other legs, guys are up here, okay? Fucking shit, what do I have to do here, all right? I know I'm sexy as all hell, but maybe we could stop waxing poetic about my body if you guys could just, for the love of God, save my life, and then I'll blow on you.

I've never heard of someone's strong legs saving them from a head shot. Not once. Well, yeah, look at this, look at his balls. Well, for me, it's such a human moment because it shows that there were, I think there were 14 doctors in the room at that point. And it's a tiny, tiny room and they're all just staring and just look at, cause the, you know, the original doctor, you know, taking off all Lincoln's clothes, you know, it's

like, let's get him comfortable. So they're just sitting there staring at the president in awkward silence. Somebody's got to say say something you know like you guys notice he's got a kind of a rocket body how old is he he was 56 he looks good for 50s really good for 50s nice tits for a president he looks really good it would have been far better if he would have just died. If he was just to see if he would have had my body just skinny and frail and just fucking died immediately because as it was he lingered for hours. Finally though at 722 am, 9 hours after he'd been shot, Abraham Lincoln drew one last ragged breath and died whilst laying diagonally on a bed far too small for his six foot four frame

few however were more distressed by what had gone down on the night of April 14th than the members of the Booth family this is going to ruin the world tour kinda yeah Edward Booth he'd woken up late on the 15th and then he immediately got the news I love that yeah I've got little eggs and stuff like that Good morning slave Let's go over here. It's a nice hot poppin' water even happen Well Edwin Booth he was the one that was a little more lefty

Yeah, like he was yeah, but actually from what it seems like I think Edwin Booth was more that guy Just like can we please just not talk about politics like I just all I want to be is an actor I don't want to get into any of this shit. I just want to be a fucking actor That's all I just want a bitch about our American cousin and how I should have been in it Yeah, all I want a bitch about yeah And he mostly lamented that his family's reputation had been ruined by his idiotic Confederate brother that his family's reputation had been ruined by his idiotic Confederate brother. Edwin wrote that he had stayed loyal from the first moment of quote this damned rebellion, but he along with his children now bore the agony of being

thus blasted in all hopes by a villain. And that villain had of course been his own brother. The Booths actually had to go into hiding after the news broke and Edwin received letters to his home saying that there were revolvers loaded with which to shoot him and his family down, because the public now hated the Booth name. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah. Now concerning the path of John Wilkes Booth after leaving Ford's theater,

he'd had quite the night following the assassination of the President. As I said earlier, Booth's horse had tripped and rolled at some point during his escape. Damn clumsy horse! So when Booth arrived at the rendezvous point sometime around midnight, his leg had indeed been broken. So when David Harrold arrived minutes later, having completely abandoned Lewis Powell at Secretary Seward's home, Booth was badly in need of medical attention. So it was decided that they would not wait for their compatriots. And after a short stopover at the Confederate Tavern in Surrotsville, Booth and Harold arrived

at Dr. Mudd's plantation. You always want to get the best health care over at Dr. Mudd's. You go down there and his special curated ancient Chinese farts are going to make sure your legs are completely fine. The booth journey following Dr. Mudd's plantation makes for a fantastic TV show, but it also makes for quite the tedious podcast. If you can't show men on horses going places, it's not interesting to just hear about it.

Cause that's what this is. It's a lot of men on horses going places. Cause that's all the fuck it, that's all the Western is. That's all they do. It's just a man on a horse going to a place and then going to another place and talking to other men on horses in between that place. For justice.

I should have brought my coconut so I could have done my horse gaff. Oh yes, you know what I can do? I can do old fashioned. There we go. That's not bad. Rewrite it, Marcus. That's like if a horse was just made out of folds.

Cool, just give me another eight hours or so and we can continue this up. Now... Yeah, it's pretty good, Henry. It's really... It's pretty impressive. It's actually very impressive. Yeah. Thank you Well rather than take you through the escape of John Wilkes Booth moment by moment We're gonna give you the broad strokes of Booth and Harold's adventure. See dr.

Mudd was just the second stop on their journey So after dr. Mudd set Booth's broken leg Booth and Harold began making their way towards Virginia, where they expected to be welcomed by the Confederacy, even though the Confederacy was all but done. Sorry, you just missed the Confederacy. Actually, I hear there's a little bit of a Confederacy going on in a boxcar in North Carolina. But honestly, you want to avoid that too, because that Confederacy is getting pretty

intense. All these guys are fighting over the one last stray cat. For whoever they can do, they're trying to... they all want a pet, everybody's lonely in there. What am I going to do with all these mouth harps? They are going to find you. Well despite Harold's supposed proficiency as a geography expert, he and Booth repeatedly got lost after they left Dr. Mudd's plantation.

I actually am more of a geologist. Yeah, I can tell you where Cobalt is. There was a bit of, that's why the confusion was there. I should have checked my references. That's why the confusion was there. I This is partly because Harold had overstated his knowledge and partly because they only had a vague idea of where they were actually Going in a definite instance of irony though these two supposed top specimens of the white race came to depend over and over again on the directions and Navigations of the free black people they came upon in their travels.

Without this guidance, Booth and Harold would have no doubt been caught within days. Goddamnit. If... Excuse me, I don't want to interrupt your freedom. But, uh, my white friend and I have one last question. It's not where we can go. I don't know if you can tell. We're not filter folk. Yes, I'm so glad you're free to answer.

And these people, they only helped Booth and Harold because it was the right, it was the smart thing to do. Not that this is the right thing to do, but it was the smart thing to do if they wanted to fucking survive. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Didn't they get lost on a river? Yeah. How does that even happen? Yeah. Honestly, you'd be super surprised. Yeah You familiar with tributaries? What? I just...

A silt delta. There are many different geological formations. Excuse me, my fellow free man. Ah, yes, very good. Can I also be invited to the cookout? Yes, my good man. This must be one of those newfangled circle rivers. laughter Yes, my good man. This must be one of those newfangled circle rivers. Hahahaha! Well, after making their way through a swamp, Booth and Harold arrived at another-

I think they lied. I think they crossed through a swamp because they know I'm filled with hate. Hahaha! Actually, at one point, they did have trouble. Like, there was one guy that they had to convince to help them, and so Booth wrote him a nasty letter upon his exit After making their way through a swamp Booth and Harold arrived at another plantation where they hooked up with a confederate agent who promised them safe passage across the Potomac River,

but not just yet. Arrangements still had to be made, so while that agent contacted another agent, Booth and Harold were told to wait in a pine thicket located just outside the agent's property line lest the military show up and find the president's assassin on the agent's plantation. Booth and Harold, therefore, huddled in the thicket, exposed to the elements for days waiting for the word to move on, while the Confederate agent brought them food and newspapers. I hope you guys are doing good in the thicket.

All right. Just you want to keep that bushes on top, right on top of your heads. Here you go. I got some tacos. And you're going to want to read this as a super funny article about about there was like a fun. You got to read it in the top of the front page and the else. But also, honestly, and also the Mariners one, not to spoil. I should have said that. Yeah, just call this course or in there. Good. Yeah, if you could. All right. So you stay in that thicket. All right.

And I'm gonna be right back for you. Don't worry. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you freedom. All right. so you stay in that thicket, all right, and I'm gonna be right back for you. Don't worry I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you your freedom. All right sounds wonderful. You are the thicket. Okay I can I can play a thicket Well much to boost your grin the newspapers were not responding to his grand scheme in the way he'd expected He was stunned when he read that the media had not lauded him for striking down quote, the greatest tyrant. Instead, the papers were calling Booth's actions and therefore Booth himself cowardly and vile. It bombed. I'm getting bad reviews. He shot a man in the back of the head with a hooker's gun. I thought everyone was going to laugh!

While the man is sitting next to his wife. I thought everyone was going to laugh and cheer! Oh, I am terribly wrong. That might be my algorithm. But while Booth and Harold were hiding in the thicket like animals, their co-conspirators were being snatched up by the police and the military in quick order. So even though John Surratt had technically left the conspiracy before the plan had turned to assassination, detectives had heard that John Surratt was often seen in the company of John Wilkes Booth at the saloon next to Ford's Theater. They'd also received snippets of

information from multiple individuals that led the investigation to the boarding house run by Sirot's mother Mary, who, if you'll remember, have been told by Booth the night before the assassination to quote, have the shooting irons ready. But in another amazing coincidence, just after five detectives entered Mary's boarding house to arrest her and everyone inside for being involved in the conspiracy to kill the president who should knock on Mary's door looking for sanctuary but Lewis Powell who was of course the man who had attempted to assassinate secretary Seward. I don't know if you guys heard that old saying says easier than a stab at old man in a bed but it certainly wasn't oh my god where are you guys all coming from?

Pao was soon identified by the Seward family doorkeeper and arrested, while Mary Surratt's involvement in the conspiracy would eventually make her, this is a fun bit of trivia, the first woman to ever be executed by the United States federal government. Yeah, hanging, if you're curious. Sisters, stop doing it for themselves. I thought they would have slapped her to death. Hanger by the hangers! Strangely though, other co-conspirators who were even more involved than Mary Sarat would

eventually go free, specifically Dr. Mudd. Dr. Mudd. He always comes out clean. Despite the fact that a boot with the inscription J Wilkes written inside was found in Dr. Mudd's attic, Dr. Mudd would claim to the day he died that he was just a sample country doctor who got himself caught up in events beyond his control. Y'all know me, I'm Dr. Mudd, I'm a poo poo scientist. I deal with butts and farts and stuff like that. I ain't one of these assassination guys.

I mostly deal with poop shoots and polyps, butt polyps and hairs. Think about it. Why would a man with a broken leg come to a butt doctor like Dr. Mudd? Unless some people say, well, the leg begins the butt. That's again, that's a leg astronomy if you're part of the butt sciences. But I didn't get that master's degree.

Coffee, Taco Bell, cigarette, want some dates, some plumps? The military commission in charge of trying the conspirators and Lincoln's death, they of course did not buy Mudd's simple country doctor story. Dr. Mudd escaped execution by just one vote and was instead given life in prison, but incredibly President Andrew

Johnson would pardon Dr. Mudd in 1869 along with Ned Spangler, Booth's inside man at Ford's theater, and Dr. Mudd, despite being one of the key members of the conspiracy from the very beginning Ended up living out his life as a free man. I just like his name Thank you, sir fun guy and one time I'm gonna confess. Yes, I sat on the Robin It's long story of the Robbett took up a bit of a situation inside of me I have family in there and I called Dr. Mudder Dr. Mudder got the beret it's crazy that he pardoned him because there's so many people thought that he was part of the

assassination it's why all the conspiracy theories later on would come about it's like literally these are the things that we even see now every single dumb little human interaction that would spin off Into a century of conspiracy theories and there's a very human reasons behind the dr. Mudd pardoning You know Andrew Johnson was a Democrat, you know before defecting over to the Republican Party You know for his own self-interest. Yeah, and dr. Mudd's lawyer Was he was either in Andrew Johnson's cabinet or was very close to Andrew Johnson's cabinet. So doctors so

Jerry Fartinsky Dr. Mudd wait you meet his lawyer. Oh yeah but Dr. Mudd had connections to Andrew Johnson's administration so that's that's why Dr. Mudd was able to be pardoned. Yeah it seems like Spangler was just stupid. He was and he originally gotten a six years hard labor But Andrew Johnson commuted the rest of his sentence and pardoned him. He's like I you know he's just an idiot He just shut up thankfully Johnny peanut got nothing. Yeah, like he was Actually, it was really nice. They just let me go to the Tilted World

Stay on that and give me a bunch of different tickets I've been hanging out by the corner bone going subway sandwiches Cause I have Daria Artists Daria Artists, they don't go stay with you over there I don't know what happened at all, theater mess, but everybody's certainly upset about it If Lincoln lived, he would have been President Walnut Well as far as John Wilkes Booth's eventual fate went He was still stuck in the pine thicket with David Harald by the time most of his other co-conspirators were already behind bars Am I some kind of Barry? Booth and Harold laid silent and unmoving for days.

Shh, shh, shh, remember we're the thicket. Shh, remember stay in catapult. Be the thicket. Be the thicket. I am leaves. I am branches. I am the thicket. That's incredible, like patrolling soldiers would pass sometimes within yards of Booth and Harold's hiding spot. When their transport was finally close to being arranged, Booth and Harold were moved back to the Confederate agents' plantation. There, Booth pathetically begged to be allowed inside the agents' home, asking, quote, Oh, can't I go in and get some of your

hot coffee? Please, this would be so long I could be a thicket. Not without coffee. Please. I'll be anything. I'll be a bush. I'll be a tree. Anything but a thicket. The agent, of course, had to refuse because his servants, who were still enslaved

just a couple years earlier, they would have rightfully reported everyone inside. You know, I'd love to give you that coffee Everybody's super on edge out here Just get you to go back to the thick You're gonna have to go Johnny you're gonna have to go Instead the agent slipped Booth and Harold leftovers from dinner to their hiding spot outside like they were a couple of fucking stray dogs What do you think this meal used to be?

I imagine it whole was like some kind of gravy and salt and otherwise it's just our thicket leaving. After nine days of running and hiding though, Booth and Harold finally made it across the river to Virginia. They did have one little, they did have an instance where they got put on a skiff and then but then neither one of them knew anything about boats so they just ended up back on they could even cross the river sick and tired of it this is the buddy comedy that should have happened with the two of them back and forth and he's more and more covered in dirt just being like it's just not how all of this was supposed to go nobody said they were gonna be boats

Eventually they did make it across the river to Virginia to a known Confederate safe house owned by a woman with the fantastic name of Elizabeth Cuisin Barry. Oh, yeah, she's a fucking bitch Sounds like she throws up out of her vagina. It's getting all the extra out. Like everyone else though, Quisenberry's loyalty to the Confederate cause was quickly fading, and she wanted Booth and Harold gone from her safe house as soon as possible. And after hopping from one unwelcome location to another, Booth and Harold finally ran into some friendly faces. There were still plenty of Confederate soldiers wandering around without any real idea of

what they were supposed to do next. So Booth and Harold were ultimately helped out by a group of three Confederates led by a man with perhaps the most incredible name we've ever come across. First Lieutenant Mortimer Ruggles. Yes, it is I Mortimer Ruggles. I am the first Lieutenant of all time and I made a felt. It's going to be here everybody. Nice to loud, nice and loud with the comedy. Harold's go, let's let the Confederacy work. Okay?

Mortimer Ruggles had no more luck finding a place for Booth and Harold to stay than anyone else did. No nobody, no takers, and I don't know, they don't trust the Ruggles. But these are the people who should be conducting the ruggles professional child Other pedophile Trade them all to do it and trade them out of cloak and trade them out of groom We're talking about this before had like where did the ruggles name go?

Tlgmail.com where do all these fabulous civil war names go? Are you a ruggles? I would love to meet a ruggles. Do you know a ruggles? Do you know what happened to the ruggles family? I think they became the ruffles family Oh wow, the Lay's corporation Tell me this, when did we turn to G's and F's? I like it, I like it, no one will find anybody, perfect Are you a descendant of Mortimer Ruggles? Yeah, I hope and F's. I like it. I like it. No one will find anybody perfect. Are you a descendant of Mortimer Ruggles?

Yeah, I hope. Did you continue his legacy of pedophilia? Yeah, I hope we do. We train pedophiles and we make them and we name them. Yep, it's fun to give them new names. I gotta look like this. Tony Gripper. These are just a bunch of other ruggles. Booth was also growing more dramatic by the day. He was reported to complain, quote, if they don't kill me, I'll kill myself. Not knowing what else to do, Mortimer ruggles gave over the command of the operation to

his subordinates, who were both teenagers. You're better off with the kids. You know, you're better off with the jury. Do you think I've trained you two boys enough to have fun with the teenagers? The thing about pedophile is a wise pedophile knows when the kid's done and he knows that when the kid's done, he's got to go off. And you say, get on out, get on out. Well, these two had equally incredible names,

Absalon Bainbridge and William Jett, who I suppose in military terms would have been known as Private Jett. Whoa, that literally makes him a DJ on Prince and fucking Epstein's Island. But it was Private Jett who eventually came up with the plan. He led this small group of lost causers to a farm owned by a man named Richard Garrett, who was open to sheltering wounded Confederates in his home. It was, however, at Richard Garrett's farm that John Wilkes Booth would soon meet his deserved death.

And it's with the end of John Wilkes Booth and the story of the fascinating American character who killed him that will return next week for the conclusion to our series on the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. It takes a lot of men to make a gun, hundreds, many men to make a gun. Why isn't there a musical about Mortimer Ruggles? Because it would just be like, boom boom boom bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Confederate Labrador Please send us our finished musical, please. Oh wow really great stuff really thick and way more entertaining than it has any right to be It's in it's an incredible story And my god all the stuff that I left out It's just there's so many aspects of the story

There's so many people involved in it and there's so many side quests to take on this and and the next episode like it is a side quest that I think is Absolutely necessary. Yes, the man who killed John Wilkes Booth is incredible. Oh yes. He is such a fucking nut bar. I can't wait to talk about it. I can't wait to talk. And he also gets himself involved in all sorts of activities in the Civil War like leading up to killing John Wilkes Booth and just has an absolutely fascinating story. So yeah, very excited for that Can't wait. Can't fucking wait you fuckers go to patreon.com slash last but I guess I left you pay us money We will perform for you. Yeah, we also are live with our last stream on the left every Tuesday 6 p.m PSD you get to see it live if you give to the patreon and be a part of the chat

It's a lot of fun. Mm-hmm you can also follow us on thes at TikTok and Instagram and we've got a ton of new YouTube channels. All right. So here we go. This is what I'm going to, I'm going to write this down someplace underneath. That's one entirely under case. All one word.

You don't necessarily have to write it down. You could just go to YouTube and follow them. LPN Romanticie, Who's the Bee? The Foreign Report, No Dogs in Space Podcast and LPN Romanticie who's the be the foreign report no dogs in space podcast and LPN dash TV go and follow all of our new YouTube channels this is going to be this is where we're headed towards and I use it sounds complicated buddy it is simpler for you yeah yeah I'm working we're working on some really cool shit with no dogs in space for the YouTube channel so very much look out

for that and don't forget to come out and see us at all of our upcoming tour dates Including Atlanta later on this month We're making up that show that we had to skip back in February because of the fires here and was it snow Atlanta Georgia June 28 salt Lake City 12th, Charlotte, North Carolina, August 8th, Durham, North Carolina, August 9th, St. Paul, Minnesota, September 20th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, October 11th, Oakland, California, October 25th, Cleveland, Ohio, November 29th, Portland, Oregon, December 12th and 13th. And don't forget, we're adding a bunch of side stories dates to these shows. So we are not every city gets a little helper side story show,

but we're about to announce a whole bunch. So keep your brains with us. We can't wait to see you out on the ice and we will find you. Won't we? Won't we boys? We're coming for you fuckers. Hell Satan. Oh, yeah, gene hell Seawards not not dying sewers Words not dying sounded like

Many do live very long lives. Yeah, it seems the country you are, the healthier you are. My country It is of thee sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing P B-I-P I gotta go to the bathroom.

And vaginas do that.