Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 67: Spectrophilia

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Sexual themes continue as the boys discuss the topic of Spectrophilia (sex with ghosts) while blowing the lid off Chinese ghost weddings.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Um, alright Marcus, you ready to go whenever? Yeah. Alright, that's Marcus, I'm Ben.

Finally back from disgusting LA, to the fella to my left, who is he? I miss your beautiful face and I don't recognize it anymore. It's back on the New York groove, Henry Zabrowski. Yeah! Get out of my way, I'm walking here! I'm walking here! How many times have you said that since you've been back?

Keep in mind he's only been back for what, four days? Four days, I did push a woman down. You did? I did in Union Square, an old woman, was edging up on me like she's my fucking boss, so what I do is I hip-checked her right into the street. Good hockey maneuver, any cars hit her? Was she okay?

No, no, she was fine. We were in Union Square, the thing was, she was trying to cut me off on the way to a train, like she could. She was muscling me, and the thing is, I have a low center of gravity, so you come at me, I got little hips, I'ma put the hip to you. Absolutely, I've seen him do it.

Dropped her like a bad habit. That's very good. Ironically, you don't drop many of your bad habits though. No, but there is one bad habit that I'm looking to drop. Uh-oh, what is this, Henry? I just want to say it's come to my attention that certain sensitivities have been brought to my attention. I just want to say that I think that,

as a general understanding, most of the things I say on this program are in adjusting fashion. I'm a bit of a joker. You could say that. A larkster. It's just really hard, and I understand some of the views that are expressed on this show are of an extreme nature. Yes.

But it's so hard when you tell a certain race of people that there's a pot of gold over in a fucking end of a rainbow, and they dig through a bog for an hour. You know what I mean? I'm just saying, and I'm not saying anything bad about the Irish, I'm saying that they are curious people that are, they're very, they're highly sensitive. Yes.

Group of people singing songs about their mother. You can stop off really quick, Henry, because I think you're making everything worse. No, what do you mean? We got an email recently, Marcus and I, and we received an email from a wonderful Irishman, a nice fan. We could perhaps read portions of the email

if you would like. Yeah, his name was like, Shalalee IRA at gmail.ig again. It was not that. It was not that. That is not. Here's what he says. It was nice as I at shamrock.gov. Okay, you're making it worse, but that's all right.

He's a very large fan, but he was slightly saddened by Henry's hatred of his people. His name is John McConnell. A normal? I mean, it is quite Irish. It's very Irish, but I am going to say, but it doesn't make me hate him. No, no, no, not at all.

He says, really great show, fucking hilarious. Thank you for that, John. Thank you. Just please stop being racist towards us, Irish. It really bothers me. You probably don't give a shit, but some of my friends who have been longtime listeners have stopped listening to the show altogether,

and I almost stopped tuning in too. The Bedpast podcast ever really though, really enjoy the creepypast episodes. You should make a full episode about the Zodiac Killer. Really interesting story. So sorry about the rant. I really am a big fan. I was just put off by the podcast,

knowing you guys hate my content. Mark has stumbled over the keywords, the best podcast ever. The best podcast ever. But I will say, yes, I am sorry that if you felt that I was racist towards the Irish, but when it comes down to it, we all, you know, just keep moving on.

You know, by the way, out of all the fucking racism people we've made fun of, it's the Irish. It's the Irish. The Irish are very sensitive people. I just understand, you know, it's like in Ireland, it's beautiful when it's sunny outside. You know, it's just hard to be there when it's raining,

because when you tile your roof with potato shavings, it just leaks into the living room. Okay, in Ireland. They have proper roofing. The roofing actually got me. They don't live in Potato Pueblos. No, they don't. They don't live in Potato Pueblos.

They're not some potato Eskimo type people. They're a wonderful bunch. And thank you for listening, John. And let your friends know, last podcast has thrown a peace treaty out to the Irish. Absolutely. So tell them to come back. Coming for the Mexicans.

Mexicans are next. Fantastic. All right, speaking of fantastic things, let's just discuss this. Today we're going to be talking about spectrophilia. Which is, we did sort of a sex episode last time, but again, it rears its ugly head. The internet provides us with fodder.

Spectrophilia is the idea. Yeah, quick definition of spectrophilia. It's people who like and want to get fucked by ghosts. Do they want to get fucked by ghosts? Sometimes ghosts just have sex with them. The big thing is that you're just not going to go out on a date with a ghost, because a ghost just shows up in your house while you're asleep.

So sometimes a ghost lets you know that it's in love with you by putting its ghost penis inside you. Are there any tales? But there are some tales of female ghost raping males. Absolutely, but that's just empty Yahoo answers just like looking for anyone to believe that they're not a virgin. But I also think that where it started was that we were going to do a whole episode

on hauntings research, and I went very thoroughly through the world of modern hauntings research, and it is very boring. There is a man named Ed Ozowski, who was a guest on Coast to Coast, who started a while ago. There was a scientist named J.B. Ryan,

who was the first to create parapsychology as a legitimate science. He created a program at Duke University, where the poo-poo's go, and he... I'm not going to give that to you. That's fine, that's fine. But he is putting together... So when J.B. Ryan started,

anybody who thought that you were... If you thought that ghosts were real, you were a total idiot, and they treated you that way. But now, he made it a legitimate science, and Ed Ozowski was a man that trained with J.B. Ryan, who he described as a true gentleman. And he has created this sort of team of rivals

through a place called hauntingsresearch.com, and what he does, it's like a couple of former police investigators, a couple doctors, some physicists, and they go out and they take pictures, and they try to record evidence of ghosts. And here's the thing is that they haven't found any for a while. So you mentioned that these programs are very boring. I think it's interesting, J.B. Ryan seemed to be...

He created his own competitor with this... What's his name? Oh, there's... Ogulski? Ozowski. Yes, Ed Ozowski. So why is Ed Ozowski's show so unbelievably boring? Because it sounds like incredibly exciting stuff.

You're looking for ghosts for Christ's sake. I sat down to watch these two YouTube videos that he had put up on his Hauntings Research YouTube page. Okay. Of which there are hours of material. And it's like, you know, it's like, you know, ultimate evidence of ghost existence. Is it ultimate?

It is... Each one is an hour long of pictures of orbs, you know? And I understand, I guess, what orbs are, you know, because he puts on his website, like, other, like, really compelling photos of, like, from the 1880s of, like, people, like, like, double exposure photos of, like, people standing in the background of other people, and they're like, oh, that's the old, that's the old mammy from the,

from the plantation. Right. They've been there for thousands of years. But it's like, now, they just don't have anything. And so I... And what equipment are they using in the show? You know, you have your EMF recorders and cameras and stuff like that.

But it's specifically not, like, fun, because they wanted to, they want to show everybody that it's a science. But it's not a science, because it's never once proven anything. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you bring me a leprechaun's coat, I'm going to believe in an Irish scientist.

You know what I mean? But I'm not, I can't even believe it. You bring me the sheet, you know what I mean? I'll believe in the ghosts. Sure. You know? You bring me the ectoplasm in a jar, I'm going to put it on a piece of fucking toast,

and I'm going to eat it and say, oh, I had a spooky breakfast. Exactly. You're going to turn it like an, an Australian treats his vegamite. You're going to spread that right on some nice food. Right on a, on a little girl that I've raped. Oh, we'll talk about that.

Australians are another, another type. Oh, you're saying the Australians are doing that. Okay. Okay. I thought that was an admission from the mind of image Zabrowski of his past. I raped little girls while eating vegamite. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Once again. Don't, do not isolate that sound bit either. Always lock up the doors. Remember that, Henry? Before you, before you step out. And then I would lock up your brain doors. And then I went from there to another group named Ed and Luanne, Ed and Luanne Warren.

These are the guys that busted open the Amityville case and again to an elderly couple that was like at the top of their game of ghost hunting in 1974 and not a fucking shit fuck thing has happened since then. Are they more or less exciting than this Ozinski character? More exciting just because they obviously designed their own website and so it is a website that has been designed by a 75 year old couple.

And it looks like it. Well, let me give you some background on Ed Warren. First of all, this is Ed Warren's self written bio. And there is a lot of Ed Warren's self written bio. It's all self written. Ed Warren grew up in a haunted house. He does everything with weird capitalizations. There's two tillies on the ends of haunted house and haunted

house is capitalized. Very cool. In Connecticut from the young age of five until he was 12. It is the young age. He reflects, my father who was a police officer at the time would often say, Ed, there's a logical reason for everything that happens in this house. But he never came up with a logical reason.

My family would all go to bed and just around two or three o'clock in the morning, many times I would hear the closet door begin to open up. Think about it. First, I'd look into that closet and see only shapeless darkness. Uncle Louie eating lasagna. What are you doing in here?

Then slowly I'd start to see a light beginning to form and it would morph into a ball shape sort of like a basketball. And then I'd begin to see a face in that ball. That is called a ghost globule. I made a couple of ghost globules this afternoon while I was sitting by myself. It's also called a basketball that you have. But in your globule was there the face of an old woman who

was not looking at all pleasant? Just in the reflection of my computer screen. Very interesting. The globule would then come out into my bedroom and then accompanied by audible footsteps and heavy breathing. The room would then become icy cold and unnatural cold. A capital P, capital C, psychic cold. Yes.

Okay, so this kind of plays a little bit back to an episode that we had recently. If you were raped or if it was a ghost. I mean, this was the 1950s when this man saw his ghost in his closet. Do you think that he was just too afraid to tell his father that somebody's getting grabby hands? No, I just think that there's just nothing going on in town

that day. The movie theater that plays the one movie is not playing the movie anymore because it burnt down because old blind Jerry was smoking a cigar in there. They should have had him lighting all the candles. No, absolutely. Why put him on the emergency candle detail? Exactly.

I just wanted to make a romantic blind Jerry said. But on that website they also have all this great like, their appearances on national television which is they have a guy on there interviewing them for a quote unquote television show called Seekers of the Supernatural. And you basically by reading the other material, you'll find out the guy named Tom Sparrow who was the host of the show is their son-in-law.

And that was like all set up to just them to tell their story again about how they're the only ones to know the real story by the Annanville horror. And they called me over before anybody. You think anybody's got pictures of that house? He's like, I got the pictures of the house. But I mean, Ed Warren isn't wrong. Fake it till you make it.

This is the Hollywood tradition. He did everything right. He did. He did. And he is now dead. He is. He is a ghost. So he achieved his final dream.

Indeed. Indeed. And perhaps he is going out there and penetrating unwanted women who do not want it. Yeah. He might very well be participating in some spectrophilia himself, which is pretty exciting. Yeah.

So this spectrophilia stuff popped out because Marcus found a very interesting article about this concept called ghost marriages or ghost brides that he's going to get into now. And then it led straight into ghost fucking. Yeah. Well, naturally, if you're married, you can do whatever you want. I mean, it should be ghost sitting and sleeping on the couch

because someone's in the ghost dog house for the night. I mean, if you have a ghost. Someone wants to go out with his ghost friends, but he can't because he's got to sit down and go to ghost Ikea. He's got to get ghost shelving units for his fucking ghost apartment. And that's going to cause a ghost fight. I mean, it's so hard.

If you have a ghost wedding, does just one half of the room stay empty? I'll get into that. Yes. Yes. So this all started from a story that I read about four men in Northwest China who have been sentenced to prison for the grizzly crime of digging up the corpses of 10 women.

Your new wife? Me? Me? Me? Dig your wife. Yeah. That's going to happen a lot, folks. Oh, yeah.

And selling them for ghost marriages, the grotesque brides were sold for a total of 240,000 RMB, I don't know what that means, or $38,000. $38,000? Yeah. Or are there corpse? Yeah. We're in the wrong business, guys.

But it's like going out with Kate Moss. It is. If you want to pay $38,000 to go out with a skeleton. Whoa. I liked it. I liked it. The bodies were sought by families of men who died as bachelors. The buyers were arraigning ghost marriages, a traditional custom

gay. That word's going to come up a lot as well. So both parties in this marriage are dead? Not always. I'll get into some of the different ones. It's amazing. The bodies were sought by families of men who died as bachelors. The buyers were arranging ghost marriages, a traditional custom in

which parents might find spouses for their unmarried deceased children so they can have a family in the afterlife. I mean, it's a brilliant idea. My question is, is like, why ruin their afterlife for them? That's the thing. Should they be single and mingling? Right, mingling, mingling, going on, you know, ghost.com websites, finding their ghost OKCupid.

OKBlueKid. Yeah, OKBlueKid is fantastic. Yeah, they're getting arranged marriage, but I mean, they don't know the personalities of these corpses. And this is not the first time this has happened in China. In fact, it has been even grizzlier before, back in 2006, Chinese police arrested— And that's not even that long ago.

No. I thought you were going to say back in like 13 BC. No, like a few years ago. Yeah. Chinese police have arrested three men for killing two young women to sell their corpses as ghost brides for dead single men. That's part of it. Yeah, yeah.

One confessed to killing a woman bought from a poor family for $1,500. Good amount of cash, though. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. How'd she get her fucking traitor, Joe's? Oh, Cheyna Tull.

She thought she was being sold into an arranged marriage, but Yang killed her in a gully and sold her corpse for 16,000 Yuan, which was—but he bought her for 12,000 Yuan, so he made a profit. Big for Yuan profit. Yeah, and grand Yuan. He and two accomplices then killed a prostitute and sold her for 8,000 Yuan, and the man who killed him said, I did it for the money.

It was a quick buck. If I hadn't slipped up early, I would have done more. Oh, my God. Very interesting. So— Well, yeah, because you don't need any capital. All you need to do is kill a girl. They're already killing girls in China.

And this actually—a brief segue from that. Cannibal Cop, he was convicted on both counts. Yeah. Man, guilty. Don't agree with it. All right, we can talk about that in a later time. We'll talk about it in a later date. Yeah.

So here's—so let's go through some of the ghost bride rituals here. Yeah, well, I just want to see— Now, what happens if the ghost bride gets cold feet? I mean, she already has that. Right. But my question is— So maybe she gets warm feet. Yeah.

Back to life? Yeah. No, she is a bucket of goo. A bucket of goo. So did they—the people who killed these two girls to sell them off to men, were those men alive or was this another ghost men situation? They sell them to families. Okay, so it's always two dead people, though, getting married.

I mean, it's a father's decision. Not always. Okay. Obviously. Some father in this scenario is making the call here, that we need to go spread. Right. But I'm with you, though, Henry, when you're like,

you're enjoying your afterlife. All of a sudden, you hear the nagging voice of some woman. You don't want her to rub her feet, and you're like, what the hell is all this? She'll rub my feet because they twisted. Oh, I make a turner for you. I make a turner so you think you're so attractive. Oh, mangled and things.

It's disgusting. It's horrible. All right, what are some rituals? Why couldn't you die and get straight feet? I mean, that's a very interesting question. So let's start with just if one— It's just got out of China by being dead. You know what I mean?

Being dead gets you out of China. You don't need to deal with China anymore. Contract is done. Null and void, you're dead. Well, here's what happens if someone was previously engaged, and then the spouse dies. This is great. I agree with this.

Upon the death of her fiancé, a bride could choose to go through with the wedding in which the groom is represented by a white cockerel at the ceremony. A cockerel? A chicken. Oh, okay. Which is if I ever get married is what is happening. I'm not going, I'm getting a sub. Yeah.

And I mean like a substitute and a sub. A sandwich for myself. That chicken, he's going to have to deal with the ceremony. I'll be there for the reception. Getting drunk. Absolutely. Well, you need a good sub base for how much liquor you're going to be drinking. Here's how one arranges a ghost marriage.

Okay. If a family wishes to arrange a ghost marriage. Hey, ghost, you come here. You come here now. You get out of my store. Yeah, that's about right. If a family wishes to arrange a ghost marriage, they may consult with a matchmaker of sorts. In a Cantonese area of Singapore, there is in fact a ghost marriage broker's sign hung

up in a doorway of a Taoist priest home. Okay. He announces that he is willing to undertake the search for a family which has a suitable deceased member with a favorable horoscope. So, is this legal in China? No. I mean, nothing's legal in China. Okay.

Others do not use the aid of any priest or diviner, but believe that the groom, the ghost bride, has chosen will somehow identify himself. Typically, the family lays a red envelope usually used for gifts or money as bait in the middle of the road. They then take to hiding. And he leads several juicy ghost copules in it. Yes. They then take to hiding, and when the envelope is picked up by a passerby, they come out

and announce his status of being the chosen bride groom. And they kill him. And then they kill him. Wow. That's a very interesting trick. So, in other words, Henry, what you just said is exactly what a... You bride now! You bride now!

You groom! You take envelope! Oh! You trap big time! I'm gonna marry my ghost daughter! And once again, I just want to apologize for being racist to the Irish. And here's how the rites go. This is the rites of the ghost marriage ceremony, and then we'll move on to the actual ghost

fucking. Yeah. We gotta get to that spectrophilia. Ah. A ghost couple at their marriage feast, the bride and groom may be constructed of paper bodies over a bamboo frame with a paper mache head. I'm really glad that's not terrifying. That's fine.

Yeah, that's normal. That's a great wedding, actually. It gets much worse. On either side of them stands their respective paper servants, and the room contains many other paper effigies of products they would use in their homes, such as... I'd have Garfield there. I'd have Marmaduke there. Definitely.

Anything you want. Such as a dressing table, a table and six soles, a money safe, a refrigerator, and trunks of paper clothes and cloth. After the marriage ceremony is complete, all of the paper belongings are burned to be sent to the spirit world to be used by the couple. In another ceremony... Now, all of this is true. All of this is 100% true.

Yeah. It's a bad wedding gift, though. In another ceremony, that is a whole... It's just paper. Yeah. Well, thanks for all the burnt paper. I've got a bunch of smoke over here now. I was just banging, I was just banging fucking...

The first verse, I was banging Gia. Yeah. That's the thing. She's up here. Now, I got this woman. A post-dict. No one married her for a reason. Exactly.

She died alone. A monster. Yeah, because... And that's the thing. It's like, how are you not getting married in China? Because you wore nothing unless you have a husband. Right. You need to get a husband.

Men are the ones who die alone, naturally, because there's virtually, you know, there's not enough ladies for every man. Yeah. So, it's very... I mean, if you're a lady and you can't find love in life, holy Christ, I mean, what has to be wrong with you? I don't know. She keeps burning the wontons.

Well, that's a good reason. In another ceremony that married a living groom to a ghost bride, the effigy was similar, but instead constructed with a wooden backbone, arms made from newspaper, and the head of a smiley young...smiling young girl clipped from a wall calendar. Are his parents proud? That's what I want to know. It just sounds like all of the...it's all weddings planned by the killer from Seven. It's all just Kevin Spacey became a wedding planner and moved to China.

Or the movie I Saw the Devil. Most of the marriage ceremony and rites are performed true to Chinese custom, in fact, the bride was always treated as though she was alive and participating in the proceedings from being fed at the wedding feast in the morning to being invited in and out of the cab to being told of her arrival at the groom's house. You're at the groom's house now and then she goes, I think what they do is they just throw some rice at the calendar picture and it's like rub it in, you eat now, you eat! Right.

I mean, it's just...well, that was a great wedding, honey. Those people weren't dead ghosts, I would have thought it was a regular wedding. I would say, yeah, I would sit there, I would have cried, but I was screaming, but if it was real, I would have cried. I'm just happily found somebody that he loves. It was horrifying. This whole thing sounds horrifying. It doesn't sound quite as scary as a real wedding with two human beings and a mortgage

and a couple of kids. I mean, that's fate worse than death. I'd rather be a dead ghost groom than have to deal with that. Yes. And then, so after a real man marries his ghost bride, I would assume, does it ever go the other way? Is there ever a real woman who marries a ghost man? They didn't mention, I would assume it's probably...

Well, that was the first one that we talked about. Okay. Yeah, that's what normally a woman is just bound forever. She also is like, if a woman chooses, if she's engaged and her fiancee dies, she can choose to go through the wedding ceremony and never gets to touch another man ever again. And then, of course, that wedding night, they must make coitus to confirm the love that they have between each other. Yeah, she just squats down in a bamboo field.

Is that how that works? And then, of course, is spectrophilia. Let's get into that subject. Hmm. Henry, what do you think about it? It just gets super erotic when you think about it. It does. You know, sometimes you're just sleeping there and you're just like, man, I'd love to not

have to do any work towards sex tonight, you know? And it's just like, and masturbating has become a dull robotic movement. It's boring. Yeah. Nobody wants to do it. What do I want? I want the Danakeroid. I want race dance from Ghostbusters.

Yeah. I can do the ghost zippin' on your flight. You have any ghost? Sloppy BJ. Absolutely. Yeah. A slime job indeed. That's what you want.

Basically, there are thousands. How many people do you think have actually had sex with ghosts? Well, there's an entire travel channel show called Ghost Lovers. It's about that. Right. I mean, do you think tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, thousands or hundreds? I mean, we have a six billion people on the earth. It's a very small amount of the population.

That are alive today? That are alive today, having sex with ghosts. I'd say you get your standard 11. 11 people. You know, 11 people are fucking ghosts right now, like for serious? Yeah. I don't know if ghosts fuck. That's my thing is I still don't particularly even understand the concept because I don't

think that, like, I don't think you're gonna feel it goes dick inside of you, but I mean, I don't even know. Can we go through some of the more specific examples? Well, let me read a story right quick. Yeah. Yeah. This was from a seminar on psychic phenomena. Yes.

Yeah. There was a seminar on psychic phenomena going on and the speaker, he's decided to involve the audience and he asked like, all right, everyone who's seen a ghost, please stand up. And you know, pretty much everyone there. Because you're there. Yeah. They're there, of course.

Yeah. And then he said like, everyone who's ever had a close encounter with a ghost, please remain standing. Sure. I'm like, two dozen people are still standing. Yeah. But some people sat down there, yeah, interesting. And then he asked like, how many people have been in the same room as a ghost and there's

only like six people? Oh, wow. Well, yeah, it's a rare occurrence. And dwindling numbers. Yeah. And then he asked... Why are you laughing? This is a story from a conference, right?

Yes. Anyone who's ever had sex with a ghost, please remain standing. Everybody sat down there. No. What? There was one guy. What? There was one guy that stood up and the speaker, he says like, have you really had sex with

a ghost? And the guy goes, oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said goat. Yeah. Yeah. That's an old yarn. You know. They are. They're just pulling your leg.

They're not. They're just pulling your leg on that one. These conferences are not lacking comedy, you know, that's what's on it. Actually, they distinctly do. They are. There is not a bit of comedy at any of these conferences. Any comedy. But I want to read the thing about the, there's also, I want to read the thing about the

ghost sexting. Oh, man. There's ghost sexting. I just got it. I thought you said ghost. You said a ghost. I thought you said goat. Oh, that is too rich.

No, that is funny. Make that a meme. Oh, I thought, sorry, I thought you said goat. Oh, yeah. All right. So you just have 30 seconds of silence. Perhaps you want to read some of the more risque phone conversations that have happened. Please.

Yes. Let's read some of them. Now, you can pass it over to me if you want me to take over at any point. This is from a woman who wrote an entirely true account of ghost sex. Her name is Gina Nyoth's Lanier. I don't know what that nickname is. I'm not even particularly sure. Nyoth's.

Nyoth's. It's G-N-O-T-H-Z. Oh, good notes. Good notes. Good notes. So she writes, I recently came across a woman from California, a fucking course, because that whole place is filled with fucking loony tunes and it needs to sink into the goddamn ocean.

It's filled with your LA experience. Well, very much so. That says she gets obscene phone calls from a dead man, paranormal telephone scatology, a ghost being sexually aroused by making obscene phone calls to living strangers from ghosts. I can't wait to be a ghost. Oh, man, I'm going to fucking be all over this. Or paranormal scatophilia, ghost or paranormal entity, sexual arousal for making obscene

phone calls as a form of exhibitionism. I just realized if the ghost can communicate via phone, we could do this podcast in the afterlife. Oh, my God. It's going to be so gross. You think I'm racist here? I'm going to be what I'm going to be when I'm in Athens. There's no ramifications for your actions or your words.

I'm not racist. It's satire. And I'm sorry to the Irish. All right. Okay. Mary Jensen Cross says a ghost calls her every few days and gives her the dirtiest phone calls that would make a sailor blush. I know it was still that perverted.

That's what I wanted. I feel like the analogy. So they are just, they are rapists. Sailors are rapists. No. That's not true. Sea rapists? Sea rapists?

Continue on the ocean floor. I mean, that's why they don't let women on boats. They're just full of semen. You know what? Let's just continue on with the story. Oh, my God. He says this isn't a funny subject. I just fucking got it.

Goats. I thought you said goats. He fucks goats. He's a goat fucker. Oh, I get it. That's how ashamed he was of having sex with a goat. Yeah. This is what she says.

Very proud of it. This is also reeks of a stand-up comedian. Yeah. A stand-up comedian ghost. I know it's from a dead man because he used to call me when he was alive. I even had a restraining order put against him while he was living and arrested six times because of it. His name was Dan St. Germain.

When he died, I thought it was all over. Gotcha, Dan. Gotcha, Dan. Fuck you, Dan. That is true love, though. Six times arrested. I mean, this is romance. So I had my number changed several times when he was alive and even more so now that he's

dead. The calls are more than just suggestive. He openly tells me to do things to myself as well as what he wants to do to me, States Cross. The phone companies cannot trace the calls to any direct source. It's coming from hell, ma'am. You can't live without a phone these days, but I wish I could live without the dead caller making sexual innuendos to me.

The call's coming from inside your vagina. Interesting. We've all said that. It's slamming against my cervix. Oh, I fucking love it. And then do you want to listen to this interview with a first hand account? This is interesting, though. With the phone sex, I think if I was forced to have sex with a ghost, I think I would

enjoy the phone sex better or more than the actually being physically penetrated or having to have sex with a ghost. I mean, I think to a certain extent this man has been very polite. I just imagine this woman is dressed up as like a librarian from the 1930s. She's never had a man touch her. Definitely not. She doesn't even understand what's happening. She's like, I don't think she understands she's getting a phone call from a real person.

She doesn't understand sexuality in any way she had performed. Maybe a similar voice. No one's ever touched her vagina. No, she keeps on having restraining orders on everybody that loves her. He probably just asked her out on a date. Six times. And every time, he got arrested. I understand.

It depends on how you ask someone on a date. Sure. You use the aggressive posture when you're like, you're going to get different reactions. Absolutely. I would go on a date with you, though, if you ask me. What's different? Because you like people with a lot of energy. That's true.

Same thing with me. Right. You come at me, you know? You say to me, oh, I'm going to trap you and torture you for sex. Sure. I'm going to be understanding. Hey, you're taking it out of my hands. I'm lazy.

Thank you. But something more like trouble you for a date, madame. You know something like that? It's nice. Is that what you say? Trouble you. No, I do not say that. But Kevin and I were out at a, Kevin Barnett from the round table.

We're out at a bar. And that's what somebody kept on saying. Trouble you for a dance. And we were making fun of that guy. Yeah. And he's going to end up with a bunch of ghost brides because no real woman will ever fuck that dude. Anyway, that's a nice romantic gesture.

Trouble you for a date. Yes. Yes. But these ghosts don't understand that. That's right. Because again, they're in free love afterlife. You know, where they're just slipping. There's no penises or vaginas.

That's right. Every energies are just passing through each other. It's like the sixties up there. It is. It is. I agree. You want to hear about one ghost fucking a lady down here on Grotskyne Earth? I'm going to really say this right now.

You're going to listen to this thing. It's pretty steamy. It is. It's pretty steamy stuff. So if you're listening to this on headphones, take those headphones, put them in your vagina. Don't put them in your vagina. Take your headphones, put them up inside of your vagina. Turn the bass up.

Turn the bass up. You want to get a vibration school. You want to get a vibration school. Get that vibration going in your vagina. All right. Make her come. No, let's listen to this sexy, sexy woman talking about how this ghost raped her and why she is undatable.

She's full of stories. I was actually living in New Jersey in a condo by myself. You can hear in her voice. Yeah. And I was working as a bartender in Manhattan. So a lot of times I wouldn't be getting home. And by the way, she stars in her own reenactment. Until five hours after the morning.

I was laying in my room on my bed alone. Just asking for it. And I felt something heavy in the air almost. Was it a bed? No, no. It just felt like the room was getting darker. All of a sudden I just felt something on my legs. Just a...

Like cheese. Almost like a warmth. Almost like a tingling. Something just touching my leg. Again, it sounds very similar to dancing to your man. I kept getting all these weird sensations over my body. Just weird tingles. Yeah.

Where else? Warmth almost. Tingling. Going up my legs. Was it tingling? My arms. I felt almost something breathing on my neck like somebody was actually kissing me. That's my move.

I felt somebody grabbing my arms, pushing me down on the bed. My heart started to race and my breathing became deeper. You were raptured. I just had to feel all the emotions. Your eyes have changed. I was having a sexual encounter with somebody and I felt heat. I felt energy up my legs. I felt something touching me.

I remember that. I remember that. Has this woman been with me? No, no. She said she feels something. It's so hard to explain unless you've experienced it because it's the real body and it's the real one. Oh, yeah.

Because she's getting raped by a ghost and they're reenacting. Yeah. She loves it. It doesn't sound like rape either. She wanted it. And you feel just almost encompassed in this warm, loving energy. She wanted to say ghost jizz there, but it's the real one. Yeah, yeah.

No, yeah. She didn't say globules. The entire time grabbing sex, I felt touching, I felt energy, I felt heat everywhere. I felt it through my chest, on my breast. Wait, say that again? What? You literally have sex. I mean, you are breathing like you're having sex, you're moving like you're having sex.

Oh, it sounds like a mild stroke. Something get inside. How's your eyes? You miss the thing when you get inside of her, it gets inside of her. Hell yeah. It eventually turned into an orgasm that was so tense through my whole body. It just was amazing. I need this in my life.

Yeah. You do. Can this happen to me? It's literally from your toes to the top of your head. She's coming right now. She's delighted. Higher body. It's almost overwhelming.

I gotta be ghost melancholy. I think this is going to be, this is going to be too hot for some of our audience members. Once you realize that you can do that and have that experience, you want to have it again. Of course. Definitely. Just tough to summon the ghost. What if it was Mengele?

The doctor. Yeah, man, she got that ish from a ghost pimp. I can only imagine some of our listeners being like, why can't they get back to like the David Parker Ray kind of sex? Yeah. Like that's the kind of sex. That's genuine sex. This is genuine, like she got seduced by a man ghost.

Yeah. What if it's Abraham Lincoln? It could be anyone that you wanted to be. I heard he was a fucking slammer in the bed with his bony hips just digging in a maritime. And she was just like, oh, give me a son. And he's just like, oh, I'm going to shoot my top hat. And then fucking came in her eyes. No way.

He was gay. All over the place. No. Oh yeah, Lincoln was gay. Can you imagine the stinky Civil War dude sex going on between Abraham Lincoln and his like boy servant? Suck it up, sweet balls, man, very intense. His like unkept balls just covered with like wiry black hair.

What do you think is hairier, his chin or his balls? Because balls just have a big thick muff adjust the halo of a barbed wire. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this chick, she sounded shit. She's dick just like reekin' of lamb meat and jizzing, smelling like old beer. Oh my God, yeah. A goat. I get it.

A goat. So interesting. Well, this woman certainly had, I'm not sure if a ghost had sex with her, but she definitely had a great dream. Something happened to her. Good Lord. And she sounds hot. I did not see the image of her.

She sounds like she had a nice shaved vagina, which is pretty cute. Yeah. She's pretty cute. You can see why a ghost wanted a raper. A bartender. I mean, it's possible that she was actually raped, but you know, we let's not go into that. I mean, she's not covering up any sort of actual criminal activity.

No, because she loved it. She still loved it. I felt like she was like really tearful. You could say that she's trying to repress a memory, but she's not. She clearly enjoys the memory because you can hear her sploosh go. Right. As she was speaking. She was literally getting wet as she was talking.

Absolutely. I'm getting wet. But I'm also, it's hot in here. You're sweating. Yeah. I'm sitting in the puddle of my butt. My butt juice. Butthole.

Butthole. No, it's different. Yeah, because our butts don't get aroused from sex. Right? No. Okay. That's just poo poo. Although sometimes I do like to bend over and let my asshole air out.

Okay. Yeah, no, that's gross. We've gotten away from spectrophilia, which I like much, much better than that mental image. As a matter of fact, am I angry? But I've heard several instances of this happening. I think it is a thing that happened. You were talking a lot about, like, Succubi and Incubi and how, again, this is just how

Yahoo! Answers proves its headsets. Can we, what is the difference between a Succubi and an Incubi? One is for a male and one is for a female. So the Incubi is the woman that sucks out the man's son. This is an Incubi. I don't know, Succubi is a woman that goes to a man. This is an Incubus.

Incubi is the plural form. It's like the band. Yes. Yeah. And they do this, too. What they do is, like, I've heard that that's where the term actually started, is that the band Incubus would put on sheets and just go in a groupie's house and eat their pussies.

That is exactly where this comes from. Absolutely. I've heard that. No, I've just heard it. I read that. I don't know if you read it. You could write it down. I will do it.

And I'll do it. I'll put it in my live journal. Yeah, which is Fart Dungeon, slash livejournal.com. Oh, wow. Yeah. Make sure to check that out. As a matter of fact, Marcus, can you Google Fart Dungeon? Of course.

And see if there's already one there. Take it. I hope not. Because I really want you to have that website, Henry. It would be very sad. It was fartdungeon.tumblr.com. Oh, okay. So there is the Fart Dungeon.

Of course there is. Oh, that's good to know. Hey, it's not bad. It's the art of John Eric Garcia. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Actually, go there. It's pretty good.

Fart Dungeon. I didn't expect to give. Yeah. Oh, that's fun to see. Yeah, it's a chit. There's a rooster in a varsity outfit covered in blood. Wow. That's kind of fun.

And he's huffing and puffing. Oh, man. Into our Chinese wedding situation. That's pretty good. It's good to see. Absolutely. Yeah, he's the groom of the Chinese wedding. Yeah, Chinese ghost wedding.

That's very exciting. All right. Well, I guess, is there anything else on this topic that we should delve into right now? I'm just saying, you know, leave yourself open to ghost sex, I guess. How lonely do you have to be in order to usher a ghost agent? Quite lonely. Quite lonely.

Absolutely. So this is good for us. This is good for what we do. You know, so just go out there. You know, wear something sexy to bed. Mm-hmm. You know? And leave the face cream at home.

Try not to watch too much of that Judge Joe Brown while you're lying in bed before going to sleep. I agree with that. Because that's just a sex killer. It is. Put a heels on. Put some heels on when you go to bed. Well, you go to sleep.

Oh, yeah. Man or woman. Okay. Yeah, leave your dick out. Sleep just like Carmen Electra did when she was dating Prince. A little known fact with that. She slept in her sleep in an evening gown with high heels and full makeup. Yeah.

So sleep just like that. Yeah. It is very difficult to date Prince. It is very hard. And she had to go to a different wing of the house to use the bathroom. Yes. Prince is quite the asshole. Yeah.

None the less. And of course, if you have any ghost intercourse experiences, let us know. We would love to hear about it. Oh my God, if you fucked a ghost, please. Yeah. K-ComedyRadio at gmail.com, please. And do it as steamy as possible because I like that. I think we're going to start taking this podcast in a steamy direction.

Two in a row. Super erotic. I mean, I want to read one more e-mail. That's what our listeners want. Yeah. They do. I want to read one more e-mail before we get out of here. Hey, legit hard.

What's that? I'm just full hard. You're full hard right now. Oh, yeah. You're poking a three inch right now. Oh, yeah. That's good. I got a full red rocket going on.

Oh, yeah. He's got a dog dick. Again, I'm sorry to the Irish. You know. They're fine. Everybody forgives you, Henry. And as a matter of fact, I thought the sensitivity level was a little high, but that's okay. They've dealt with a lot with it.

You know, that's the thing. It's really hard over there. It's really hard over there, you know. It's better with the English. The Irish will love that. I mean, the English have already, they've got see-through skin and buck teeth and they're a bunch of fucking inbred reptile people. Exactly.

You know, the Irish are just the Irish are the people that escape from their monkey cages. Mm-hmm. What? All right. Do you have an e-mail you would like to read? I have one more e-mail. Me? Okay.

Hello. I started listening to the podcast maybe a month ago and think it's absolutely the best podcast ever. Thank you, Jimmy. That's very nice, Jimmy. Anyways, although the new episode, Creep Me Out, it also intrigued me. So if possible, could you guys do another episode where you look at all the creepy fetishes? You know what, Jimmy?

I would say you just listened to the last episode over and over and over again. Because this is the outright sexiest we're ever going to be. Yeah. Yeah. This is it. This is pretty much it. The room has changed. It's colder.

Yeah. I'm going to light a candle. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. I'm going to put on some. Do you have any central music to put on? Do we have any blind friends that we can have light candles all around this place? Hopefully burn it down so we can come back as ghosts.

That would be pretty wonderful. Yeah, and get married to some sweet, sweet, obedient Chinese woman. Wouldn't it be amazing if we just got to the afterlife and we're like ready to be a husband now and then like nobody chose us? Yeah, finally ready to settle down. You know what I mean? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for listening to the last podcast on the left. It's pretty sexy. Getting your balls to be super rigid. Your bush hairs all tied up in the bush hairs of the woman you love, on the man you love. Ah, yeah, double bush hair. All right, everybody, we will talk to you soon. The goosalations. The goosalations.

I'll gain this song is called Spider Pussy. Oh, wow. Nice. Spider Pussy. Sounds a lot like Perfect Corpse Scores. Spider Pussy. Oh, I just got go's. It's a go.

It's a go. It's a go. I understand. I want to turn this to everyone else and say hi-all everyone else. No, I already said it. Hi-all the fans of the last podcast on the left. Hi-all me, then. All right.

Hi-all Hitler. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We almost made it. Never going to make it.