Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 70: King of the Warlocks

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

We examine the world of cursed objects, from the Codex Gigas to mandrakes to the haunted objects one can find on the eBay.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Anytime. Oh, this is going to be a lively one. We're all miserable. I'm just tired. It's fine, though. It's a Sandman podcast. We're people. People get tired. All right, that's Marcus. I am Ben. And then to my left. Is he awake? Is he asleep? Which one is that? Oh, he's asleep. Oh, he's just asleep, Marcus. I don't think we're going to have Henry for this episode. That's fine. That's okay. Can we do it with- I got pancakes in my head. I got pancakes in my head. Henry. Henry. Hand or head? How am I always here? I always wake up here. Holy Lord. I'm sorry. Is that a lot of energy? No, that was fine.

Did you hit the top? Yeah. I was having a dream where I was Abraham Lincoln, and I knew the bullet was coming, so I took a bunch of blueberry pancakes, and I put it in my hat to absorb the fucking bullet. Did it work or did you die? No. I always die. Every time. Every time. Because history has already been done. All time is a wheel. All times that happened before are happening now, and the things that will happen are already happening. Well, you know what? Let's save it for the second date. But Abraham Lincoln, quite the cursed president, and that plays in well with what we're talking about today, cursed objects. This idea came from Ragnar, our good buddy, out in some fucking Nordic slum that he lives in. Iceland. What is his name? Iceland. Yeah, and he's- I like it when he writes in Icelandic on Facebook. I always like it. Yeah, I do the same thing. Oh, that's fun. Lol. Yeah, I go live long and prosper. He's like, that was when my grandfather died and be like, I don't read your mud language. I like to translate it in Google Translator and then write a response and then translate that back into Icelandic. Which is just like in Icelandic by that point, it just sounds like, when nefjord goes to Easter. Exactly, but thank you, Ragnar, for giving us this idea for cursed objects. So let's see. Cursed objects. What about my resume? Good points. Good points. Too real.

Marcus, do you want to go through some cursed objects? Absolutely. You've done quite a bit of research here. We'll start with the one that Ragnar sent to us, the Codex Gigas. Now what I love about this thing, which is Latin for the big book, which is they just made a big old book and they're just like, y'all, I'm pretty sure this book is too big to be in a library. And he's just like, well, we just called it the big book so people know what they're getting into. That's right. It's always important to know what you get into. And that is exactly how monks in the Middle Ages found it. Oh, y'all, you know. Put butter on it. You know, I never seen a girl. Best muffins in town, those monks. Full of carbs and cows. Well, the scribe of the Codex Gigas was a monk who broke his monastic vows and was sentenced to be walled up alive, which was a popular punishment back in the day. Solitary confinement. And you just feel like after a while what they did up the... That's just aggravating. I'm trying to watch the fire over here. God, let's put up another wall. I would imagine the person probably bashed their brains out against the wall before they died of starvation. I mean, when they're building the fourth wall, can't you just like jump out of it real quick? Get on out of there. Like Erkel did in the ninth season of Family Man.

Exactly. In order to forebear his harsh penalty, he promised to create in one single night a book to glorify the monastery forever, including all human knowledge. Which at the time, how much would that be, Henry? All human knowledge in the Middle Ages? Oh, 165 pages. It's 165 pages long, right? Something like that. And it's like 100 pounds. Is this how David Ike also wrote the biggest secret? Just overnight? Messed out of his mind? Well, near midnight he became sure that he could not complete this task alone, so he made a special prayer not addressed to God, but to the fallen angel Lucifer, asking him to help him finish the book in exchange for his soul. The devil completed the manuscript, and the monks added, and the monk added the devil's picture out of gratitude for his aid. That means in the editing game? The same thing happened with the penguin publishers of Demons? Yeah, when Diablo Cody went through the process of writing Juno, she had to go through the same thing and send it in. They had it cut out the back of it, which is a big flap of human skin, with a devil kind of just etched onto it. Homeslice. I like that. The curse is, it is said to be a night watchman who was looking over the book one night, was found dead in the morning. I think a very more real curse is it was being held in some sort of library a few decades ago, and in order to save it, they just threw the fucker out the window and it hit a policeman.

That's bad. That is bad. If that happened in Compton, it would have started a race war. Think about that. Yeah, I'm not sure if that's true. I don't know if there's books in Compton. Whoa, buddy. What about our Compton listeners? Yes, I'm just talking about socioeconomic politics, and we need to get more books in Compton. They need to get the big book. Next one up is The Woman of Lem, which is a large stone statue of a big o' dick. What? Oh, how is that cursed? I feel like that would give much pleasure to many people. The first owner is believed to have been a Lord Elfont. Oh, yeah, he always gets the dick statues. He was big for the dick statue business. Make it bigger. Oh, I couldn't possibly have something so small. Make it bigger. Oh, I wish I could live in the tip of it. So I would be like the captain seaman of my fleet of gooey gooey gills. Oh, wow. Lord of the Jizz. It's dated to 3500 BC, so it's quite old and found in Cyprus. So here, Lord Elfont, history does not explain in the manner of which he died, but all seven members of the Elfont family died within a six year period. Sir, they all have big dicks in their ass. I don't know what it is. We better get Detective Popcorn on this. It's the kebab killer. And the dick statue has, or if I may call it by its proper name, The Woman of Lem. Yes. It's a woman with a dick for a head. Oh, it's finally someone I can talk to. It looks like a plucked chicken, like a chicken that you may eat. Are there tits on it?

There are no tits on it. No tits on it. And it's just got a long neck. Can I see it? Yeah, you can see it. A dick for a head. Very interesting. Oh, look, it's the Purdue chicken. It looks like a Purdue chicken. That is a Purdue chicken. So The Woman of Lem tends to wipe out entire families after Lord Elfont. There was Sir Alvin Biverbrook. His family was wiped out. Incest ridden British. Different time, you know. And then Lord Carnivon. Oh, no. The starter of Carnival Cruise. No, actually, it was not Lord Carnivon. Lord Carnivon was the man who was said to have King Tut's curse. Oh, it is found these days. A lot of moles. I feel like King Tut had a lot of moles. Yeah, he was 13. And probably retarded, like most pharaohs were. Well, what it said about a lot of cursed objects, what we're finding out now, it's just that they're old objects filled with deadly fungus. Interesting. This is a black mole situation. Yeah, Lord Carnivon apparently succumbed to the curse. News of the evil spread like wildfire. We've talked about mummy curses here. But people, it's not believed that he died from a simple fungus that lived on the mummy wrappings. And when these men shaved each morning, opening the pores of their skin, they unknowingly infected themselves when they rubbed or scratched their faces. That's the thing I'll never understand by 1920s culture is all of the shaving. Everyone, you were shaving in the wartime, you know, like Hitler got up every morning and he shaved.

It's like, why just let a little blonde, scraggly beard grow if you're out in the desert? If you're in the desert, you're just digging shit up. Where are you, someone taking your picture? It's like, oh no, I must be bad dressed in the desert sun. And it's just like, no, no, bro, actually it keeps you cooler. No, there's some hipster woman back then who was just like, I like it a little shaven. You know, I like it a little mustache. Can you make it a little mustache? I'm eating the native pussy. I have to make sure to be as bald as a kite. That's the only way to be bald as a kite? Next up is the devil's chair. Oh, is this Busby's? Busby's? There's another haunted chair I looked up. Busby's? Yeah. Yeah, you tell me your haunted chair story and I'll tell you mine.

Busby's sounds like it sells party equipment. Like Busby Berkeley? Like Busby Percy? The fabulous man? It was a... The most fabulous man. It was called the dead man's chair. Again, it's in Yorkshire and you know, the kingdom. Yorkshire is fucking ridiculously haunted.

Yeah, Busby, where's his first name, was a coiner and reportedly a drunkard. According to the story, he married the village beauty Elizabeth Autie, but her father, Daniel Autie, opposed the marriage. Once having returned home, Busby found Daniel Autie sitting in his favorite chair. Autie declared he was there to take his daughter home. Busby refused and, later than a night, strangled his father-in-law in bed. Before his execution in 1702, Busby reportedly cast a curse on all who would sit in his favorite chair. Oh, I'm doing that when I have kids. Busby was gibbeted at Sand Hutton Crossroads? What's gibbeted?

Yeah, what is gibbeted? I feel like it's hanging you upside down by your toes? It's now in a museum in Britain hanging from the ceiling, so no one will sit in it. People have died in two RAF airmen in a furniture repairman, Carlo Pagnani. They all died in there, but apparently what they said is that it was actually like the fungus thing, is that it was just filled with needles just jack-packed with AIDS. That was what they said, and they were like, oh, there's something fresh about the chair. What are these purple spots? I think it's...

I feel great, though. I've lost 50 pounds. It's a great chair, though. Yeah, it's a nice chair. Well, the devil's chair is not one chair, but a legend of a chair. Usually they're in cemeteries. Oh, this was another one that Ragnar had put up, right? He put up an occult devil's chair. These devil's chairs are made out of stone and put in cemeteries,

and they're usually local legends surrounding it. Not the cozy material to make a chair out of. At least Busby's chair was a wooden nice chair. That's a nice chair. In Casadaga, Florida, and I swear to God, this is the most Florida fucking haunting you could possibly have. According to one local legend, the graveside bench and an unopened can of beer left on the chair will be empty by morning. That's the Florida curse, but it's also a homeless problem that they're not addressing.

It's just the undertaker just telling people, like, hey, y'all. I heard a ghost be fucking pretty restless unless he has his beer at night, so you better leave it during your funeral. Thank you. All right, if you also could leave some conk fritters out, that'd be great to you, or some grouper. Are you drinking the beer at night? What? Are you drinking the beer right now? Hey, are you drunk now? What?

Weird. What? And then there is, have you guys ever heard of this, this is the coolest fucking thing ever. This is another one of those, it's not a single cursed object, but one that shows up in folklore. The Hand of Glory. Ooh, it sounds fun. Oh, this sounds really familiar. Yeah, it's the dried and pickled hand of a man who has been hanged,

often specified as being the left hand, or else if the man were hanged for murder, the hand that did the deed. Oh, very cool. According to old European beliefs, a candle made of the fat from the malefactor who died on the gallows, lighted and placed as if on a candlestick in the hand of glory, which comes from the same man as the fat of the candle, would have rendered motionless all persons to whom it was presented. The candle could only be put out with milk, and another version, the hair. Come on, that's not right.

With milk? Yes, with milk. Yeah, just turning milk, I just need some, I'm just dying for a cup of coffee. No, actually, I used the majority of the milk to put out my dead man's candle. What about blowing it out? God damn it, Jaime! It's all right. Come here, there's a pipe with your wife's in the milk for your superstitions.

I want this pickled hand, though. You can still buy these things? Yeah, I mean, I did. Well, especially here in Brooklyn, they've been pickled on everything over here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Pickled has been popular for years. I looked at a private collection of a guy, and he did have a hand. This guy had some amazing shit. He had a hand of glory, he had a Crusader ring, a, what is it?

It was an occult book that was made out of deer skin. Yeah. And all the symbols were burned in with gunpowder. Man, that's awesome. Very cool. Just such cool shit. And you never have anything cool. You will one day.

That's what I want. You'll get that gasey painting, I know you will. I'm gonna. Yeah. Make it just for you. From some little boy's cold dead hands. Don't be creepy now. Don't do that.

And the hand of glory is related to the Mandrake, which is another witchcraft thing. Okay. And the Mandrake is a haunted plant. What kind of plant is that? How can a plant be haunted? You know, it's got, it possesses a lot of powers. Well, if you'll remember from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, I purposely avoided a single word of Harry Potter.

I know, I've never seen it. I've never seen the movie. I don't know who the kid is. What's his name? Harry Knowles? What's the name of the guy in Harry Potter? Ah. Daniel Plainview?

What's his name? Daniel Plainview. I don't know. Just penis on Broadway. You know, then you've got the ginger. And then, isn't there an Asian? No, there's no Asian. Yeah, there's an Asian.

No. Yeah, that's Harry Potter's girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Later on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Asian. Yeah, yeah. She always comes in there.

She's very obedient. And she always comes in just bound up. Like, she do a weird thing where she also made her hands real tiny. Okay. Oh, Harry Potter. Oh, thank you so much for letting me speak. Hmm, that must have been an episode or a movie I didn't see. She was a Scott and a very strong character.

Hmm, okay. Sure, that is fine. But yeah, that's the first time we've ever mentioned Harry Potter. But we don't get into that because that's bullshit. We're talking about the truth here on this program. Well, according to legend, when the root of the man, Drake, is dug up, and the reason why they think it's cursed, because when you pull it up, the root looks like a little man. Oh, that makes sense.

That's just... They have like a... Man, Drake's growing in Florida as well. Like, it's like, I forgot what it is because they grow along the shoreline. It's a tuber. A tuber. You know, and that's the thing is when it comes down to it. It's not a tuber.

Yeah, it's not a tuber. There we go. Not a tuber. It's like a potato. It's a tuber. That's great. I know my... There's one thing in this world that I know it's my tuber.

That's good, yeah. Jesus Christ. But according to legend, when the root is dug up, it screams and kills all who hear it. So, here is a method for digging up the tuber. This comes from... Why dig it up? Just leave it there. For magical purposes.

Use it for magic. Oh. Yeah. And this comes from Josephus, who lived from 37 AD to 100 AD in Jerusalem. A furrow must be dug around the root until its lower part is exposed. Then a dog is tied to it, after which the person tying the dog must get away. The dog then endeavors to follow him and so easily pulls up the root but dies suddenly instead of his master. After this, the root can be handled without fear.

That ain't right. That is totally wrong. They just need a TV back there. Do you do that with the dogs, you nanny? Do you have them move cursed objects and that's why one of them doesn't have a throat anymore? Yeah, they're always moving around randomly. Have we talked about that on the show about how your dogs all go like... They're old.

They're not that old, they're like six. They're cursed by Father Time. No, one is six and the other one's 13 and the other one's 11. And one of them has a growth on her pussy. So we're not going to talk about that though. She is a bit cursed. The cursed Chihuahua. So are you ready?

Let me just jump on to it. I just want to do my favorite one of all of these. Alright, sounds good. And then we're going to go into modern day shit that we can actually get. Absolutely, because I also have an eBay item as well. I think that these guys, I love curse objects. I think that this is such a fun thing when it comes down to it. It's great.

I feel like you're in third grade at show and tell right now. This is me just like, I like this. I know you like it. So this is the crying boy. The crying boy is just the painting of a crying boy, which was very popular in the UK in the 1950s. And you would never see that in America because we don't celebrate boys crying. No, we do not.

No, we don't. You must understand that the 50s in England was a very sad time for everyone. It was also just weird. Yeah. It seemed like it was a very strange time period. It was really weird. You know, people weren't sexy yet. It was like everyone was wearing corsets still.

Yeah. They had top hats on. Everyone's taking fucking lorries everywhere. They don't know yet. And then comes the swing in 60s. Yeah. And the tiny little boobies and tassel dresses. You know, big tall shoes.

And sexual promiscuity. Acid in a pembary square. What's it called, Lincoln Center? Piccadilly Square. Piccadilly Square. It's a dumb thing to be called the hip part of your town. You know, it's like, we have Soho. And that sounds cool.

They have Soho as well. Yeah, but their Soho is a pile of shit. It's different than our Soho. That's true. You know? Piccadilly. I'm sorry to be racist against the British. That's okay.

It's fine. You know, I think the reason why they liked hanging up the crying boy, because the crying boy was happier than anyone in England at the time. I don't know, but he was crying. It just looked like, you know, John Wayne Gacy wouldn't even gotten past the painting. He couldn't walk past it. Man, if only, if we could have moved him to England in the 1950s, he'd be fine.

Was he crying because he was sad, or was he crying with laughter? No, he was sad. He said, it's impounding. But so the thing is... Someone chastise him for taking the last biscuit. Oh, if it is supposed to leave that biscuit, it's the grandma more. Grandma was like, you have given me biscuit, you. And he's like, oh, I'm crying, because I'll never fight in a war.

No, he never will. It's very sad. And then came the Falklands, and he died. Yeah, fighting sheep. Now, the thing about crying boy is that it was a mass-produced painting. So it's like a painting from Sears from there. And by the Italian painter Bruno Amadillo. And basically what they're saying was there was a rash of house fires in which they found this...

All of these house fires where they found this crying boy painting, which was hung in many, many houses in the UK, totally unharmed and laying in the center of their living room. And apparently firemen wouldn't have it in their houses because they thought it was a sign of bad luck. And it's just very interesting, and then they found out that the actual truth of it was, is that all of them were sprayed with a fairly... That was the other thing, I was looking up here, like a fairly highly carcinogenic anti-inflammatory agent. Flammatory cars. Yeah, so they couldn't catch on fire.

That's pretty cool. And the string that the picture was hung on would be the first thing to burn, so immediately it would fall face down on the floor. Yeah, just releasing its toxins into the air. That's great. God, I love how we used to just make shit with the most toxic thing. Oh yeah, we're like, oh yeah, oh, we fill a bullet with it? Yeah, yeah, let's put it all over the kid's toys.

That's a great idea. This is what happened with my grandfather, he died of asbestos poisoning. So think about that. Was that from, like, a Buchenwald? A Buchenwald. Did he... To concentration camps. Did he get asbestos poisoning from building Auschwitz?

No, he did not. Putting in the insulation. The American one. He was a good carpenter. So he got it from building the Japanese internment camps. Yeah. Well, you know, America has a deep-seated history of loving a lot of people. And yes, did he house certain individuals that Henry occasionally imitates?

Yes, he did. Y'all want to move on to the eBay? You want to start with your eBay object and then I'll move on to the one thing. Are these current objects that we can buy now? No, mine has already been purchased. But it's a painting called The Hands Resist Tim. Okay. And there is a wildly popular creepypasta that was built around this painting, which is the painting of a little boy and next to a very creepy little doll girl,

that this guy painted. It's just a bad painting from a moron. But he posted it as if that it was this... He said that the painting was super haunted. And the idea is the symbolism was that it's in front of this window and the window was the boy's venturing into the friggin' spirit world. And the doll was his guide. Oh, right. Well, that's very interesting.

Which is just ridiculous. So I will read some from the actual eBay listing as soon as it pops up on my phone. How much money is this going to go for? I'm going to say $69.97. You would be surprised. You'd be how ridiculously high this would go. Yeah, so this is the painter when he put this up. This is what he put.

He said basically saying already that this painting was haunted. When we received this painting, we thought it was really good art. Picker had found it abandoned behind an old brewery. At the time, we wondered a little why a seemingly perfectly fine painting would be discarded like that. Today we don't. Yeah. One morning, our four and a half year old daughter claimed that the children in the picture were fighting

and coming into the room during the night. Scary. Now, I don't believe in UFOs or Elvis being alive, but my husband was alarmed. To my amusement, he set up a motion-triggered camera, Chemrea, that she spelled it for the nights. After three nights, there were pictures. The last two pictures shown are from that stakeout. After seeing the boys seemingly exiting the painting under threat,

we decided the painting has to go. Please judge for yourself. Before you do, please read the following warning and disclaimer. Warning, do not bid on this painting if you are susceptible to stress-related disease, faint of heart, or are unfamiliar with supernatural events. By bidding on this painting, we agree to release the owners of all liability in relation to the sale or any events happening after the sale. That might be contributed to this painting.

May or may not possess supernatural powers. May or may not. You never know. And that's a funny thing, is eBay requires you to say these things when you list them. Yes. They require you to say this is for entertainment purposes only. Well, they don't say that. They don't say that.

No. That could impact or change your life. However, by bidding, you agree to exclusively bid on the value of the artwork with disregard to the last two photos featured in this auction and hold the owners' harmless in regards to them and their impact, express or implied. That's fair. I'm definitely buying that. They show these...

Here are the following answers. There's no odor left behind in the room. There are no voices or the smell of gunpowder. No food prints or strange fluids on the wall. For what it is? To your questions, directions, there are no ghosts in this world. No supernatural powers. This is just a painting.

And most of these things have an explanation. In this case, probably a fluke light effect. I encourage you to bid on the artwork and consider the last two photographs as pure entertainment and please do not take them into consideration. That's great. Yeah, exactly. How can you not take them into consideration?

Yeah. And then, like, one picture close up of the doll's face. Hmm. No lies. Let's see. Weirdo. Oh, yeah. That's terrifying, though.

I will say that. Yeah. And it went for $1,225. $1,200? Yeah. Well, I gotta check. I really hope a wealthy man bought it and not some poor dude who scraped around all the money

he could at the lumberyard to buy it. I'm gonna catch me a ghost. I'm gonna sell it for a million dollars. Yeah. Well, I got a ghost for you that's much cheaper. For 99 cents, you can buy a ghost in a haunted baby food jar. I'll take it. That's great.

What kind of baby food? What's the flavor? Here's the description. Well, there's no label on it anymore. It's Gerber, though, so it's quality. Other than the entrapped spirit, this is void of debris. I was gonna keep it as I thought it was lucky because I dropped it and it didn't shatter.

Ever since, I've had it... Ever since, I've had it lights flicker at random intervals, cell phones, and other battery-operated equipment drains when near it, and it just creeps me out. Please take it off my hands. The picture isn't the actual jar. My camera is broken, so I downloaded the picture.

So he dropped his camera and it broke, so he's like, that's an unlucky camera. I have a problem setting up eBay listings myself. Right. You know, and I'm a fairly smart human. This guy dropped it. I dropped it, I thought it was lucky. It didn't break.

I mean, this guy just has the greatest life ever. I dropped it, didn't break, lucky. That's just amazing. The other day I went into my car, it started. Lucky car. Lucky car, good work car. For $50, you can buy a witch's shoes. I would buy that as well.

What size are they? They are... Which one of my ex-girlfriends do they come in with? Yes, yes, I like it. Oh, women are bad. It was purchased at an estate sale of a witch, and these shoes belong to her mother, who was also a witch. Double witch.

And some of the items were her mother's when she was a young girl. These shoes are leather and her mother's that she wore when she was a young girl. And they are so fragile, torn and tattered. Wow, get a special piece today. They can be yours. Super rare. Place them under a glass cabinet or in a safe place. Own a big piece of history.

Which of shoes? Don't chew on it like it's a piece of gum. Wear it when you go to work at McDonald's because they're also slip free, which is very nice. And this is probably my favorite. Well, I mean, of course, there are tons of antique dolls, or there's a ton of haunted dolls. Oh, yeah, everybody's got something on it.

That's the biggest thing. I mean, there's one that says... Yeah, it's just them farting on a thing for forever, and they're like, now it's got the ghosts in my fart in it. Yeah, the ghosts in your fart are very powerful ghosts, though. We'll sell that on eBay. I mean, my favorite one that I found is definitely Antique Doll King of the Warlocks.

Okay, what's this doll about? Words cannot describe this awesome warlock. He is incredible. We've got to put that picture up. We're going to put this picture up. We're definitely going to keep it. This warlock is a wish granner. He came from my late psychic grandma's haunted house.

Uh-huh. There are not too many dolls around, and when you do come across them, it always came from their haunted grandma's house. All of them. Grandmothers are very haunted. One of them did not describe this warlock. What?

No, this awesome warlock. So I have put it down to a series of sounds. Wow, wow, wow. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Little boy. It's a little boy. All right. And there's also a guy who is getting,

and you'll like this, Henry, there's a guy who is selling his entire inventory from his haunted doll shop. And how many dolls does he have in his haunted doll shop? I mean, yeah. It's just like if a man has a doll shop, it's haunted. I mean, he is haunted because he is cursed. He knows things that go in and on there and he's like,

come look at my tiny chairs. I mean, what's the point? Do you want to see, I made a whole bunch of tiny little dining room tables and I put tiny dishes on it? It's like I'm never alone. You know what we're just going to go? I'm the biggest one. It's like I'm God.

I don't know. I was just here for Christmas gifts for my daughter, but oh no, I'm never going to be again. No, I'm not going to be again. All right. I can't get out the door's locked because I think this is how you make your dolls. I made a tiny chicken dinner.

Yeah. A doll just has a low tier. It's a bunch of scraps from some chicken I was eating. That's actually, thank you. And then finally, the best item that eBay has right now, this is a green sea sediment mosaic pendant sexual agent succubus full form haunting gin. Oh wow.

Man, it's a full form succubus haunting gin? No, gin. And of course, gin, which is a, that's a name for a genie. Oh, okay. Why are there naked women on the eBay list? There's naked women because that's the Asian gin spirits. The description for your consideration. There's a like on the prostitute things where it's just like,

you know, these are my real pictures. Don't ask for more. No African-American men. Sorry. That's actually true. Dave sent me a prostitute listed in Minnesota. Not a lot of black love. I'm a lot of these prostitutes.

For the description, somewhat short. This, for your consideration, is an Asian succubus gin. She is a young spirit and her wish granting is not very strong. She more than makes up for it with her youthful physical appearance and her sexual enthusiasm. She is willing to give and receive affection freely and often. Your duty will get this thing and just jerk off just thinking that it's real. It doesn't even mean it's not real.

It's like, it's a power of imagination, Henry. I understand. It's covered with semen. Hey Ben, Ben, take a look at this. This rock and infa-films all my desires. And knowing that this- This is in my podcast. This fun playmate was willingly bound.

So you don't have to feel bad about it. Very eager to interact with human men. She is summoned very easily and will do anything to make her keep her happy and proud of her. Good. She is of slim and petite build, has almost nobody hair and is surprisingly well endowed. The ways of sensation that wash over and through your body

will have you calling on her constantly. She is a believer, Jen, and is obedient, but will take charge if she knows that's what you want. Her new partner will receive her name and rituals. Her new partner- It's bongos. Yeah. $38 right now, zero bids. But you can buy it now for $68.

Not bad, not bad. I was sitting next to a doctor on a plane and he was like, I guess he was trying to bro out with me or something. He started to be like, it's like my friend owns a factory in the Philippines and he goes every summer and they give him a little house and the best part is he gets to pick out a girl and then he picks out a girl and she washes him. It's fabulous.

She washes him. She attends to his every need. I didn't know that still existed. You could just go and own a girl? That and worse. Have you ever been to Thailand? No. I haven't been to Canada once.

Thailand? I don't think I would have to bring my own Zantac. That's for sure. Because I'm going to get some indigestion. Also plenty of cargo shorts. I got my big African Hunters hat. Good, good. Yeah.

Yeah, then I'll go to Thailand. Don't forget all your clothes. And then just walk around and go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Where is the bathroom? Do you know? Do you know where the bathroom is? Everyone's trying to sell you a girl. It'll be very, very aggravated.

I don't really need the girl as much as I just need her beautiful hat. It's sort of like when you walk into a McDonald's, though, and you're supposed to buy something in order to use the bathroom, you have to buy a girl and then you can use the bathroom. Yeah, yes, yes. But then she's just following around all day going like, me hungry, me hungry. She's probably as hungry.

Get off my back, Miranda. Give her some food. And why'd you name her Miranda? Because she was like, she was, she was definitely a Miranda. Oh, okay. Not a Samantha. I'm excited. That's good.

This one is just high maintenance. Food. Food. All right, well, I don't think any of us are fat enough to vote or to abid on that wonderful little geisha girl, which is very, very sad. I mean, well, it's a pendant. And it's a very ugly pendant.

Look at that. Yeah, it's really gross. Oh, it's a pendant. Yeah, it's not the girl. That was made by a dude. See, the gen is inside the pendant, trapped in the crystals. Willingly. But still there.

Just sad. Just sad. Someone's going to buy that. Yes. Oh, yeah. Come all over it. Oh, yes. They're going to put it inside themselves.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I think that that's going to wrap up this episode. Should we do that? Yeah, sure. Yeah. I feel like that's been a lot with cursed objects. That's all I've got?

Yeah. And thank you. Oh, one more thing about the Mandrake. It is said that it has only grown from the semen of a hanged man after it drips out of his penis. And I'm still, is that true? That's what I want to know. Do you come when you're home?

How some are these coming mashed potatoes? It's a tuber, like a potato. All right. That's Marcus. I am Ben. And Henry Zabrowski. And he is back to sleep. All right, everybody.

Henry, the show is almost over now. I knocked my water over. I've done that two times this week. Well, you slept. Shootin' awake. Always ready for a fire. All right. Let's go to the constellations, everybody.

Hyle me! I'm back! Hyle Gein. And Hyle yourself. Thank you.