Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 85: Witches: A History and Demonstration of Their Power

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

We explore the history of witches from sixteenth century England to modern day Africa plus a magical battle between the white magic forces of Henry and the Satanic forces of Marcus is held as Ben uses his powers to summon Matthew McConaughey to his Facebook page.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? That's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel. With us is always the one, the only, the children in Tyser, the child lover. Sarah Jessica Parker!

Sarah Jessica Parker in the studio with us everybody. Sarah Jessica Parker. Have you met my husband Matthew? I have not met him. This is so fantastic. Our first big celebrity Marcus. She's like a large horse woman. Well thank you for being here Sarah.

Get out of here Sarah. These hay bales are for our play later in the afternoon. I could do an old Sheriff Tom comes back to suffer from cancer. Oh that's always fun. I love Sheriff Tom. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. Riddled with tumors. Yeah of course he was. I met Sarah Jessica Parker once.

How was she? Small. Really tiny. Yes, yes. She's hot in real life. Oh I think she's beautiful in most, most major motion pictures. Endlessly, ruthlessly trashing her when we first put up the show. No, no, no different personalities. I am now recording and now I love everybody including Sarah Jessica Parker.

You are Henry Zabrowski. Yes. That is wonderful. Today, man I love our subject. Today we are discussing the wonderful world of witchcraft and witchery. Rah, rum, tum, tigger, boil and toil in the frog's breath. Yeah, today's a frog's breath. How do you harness a frog's breath?

It's very difficult to do. I eat the sack over its head. I don't know. I'm not a witch. Oh okay, that's good. We don't have to burn you. We don't have to put you in a cockling school. Today we're going to be like, we're going to be a regular little Hogwarts.

Yeah, aren't we? Come on, let's not mention Harry Potter please. We've made it almost 90 episodes. Just never mentioning the devil child themselves. If you were a Harry Potter, I've never read, I've literally, I've never read a word of Harry Potter or seen any one of the movies. Okay. Marcus is Harry Potter.

Sure. Right? I've read all of them. Can I be the girl? No. I'm the girl. Why are you the girl? Because I'm the girl.

Well, you do have breasts. You're the redhead. Oh, I have to be Ron. What is it? Weasley? Weasley. Ah, pathetic. Harry Potter.

Is she Asian? Yeah. You came in shit you spare. What's the name of the girl? Weasley is the one knee deep in that woman. No, he fucks the Asian and then he ends up with the redhead sister. Anyway, let's get back to witchcraft and stop discussing the love life of Harry Potter, who is a child.

He's a young boy. All right. So let's, let's imagine that this podcast begins with me sitting in an elderly leather chair with a giant body. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I don't have any of you out there with a giant big leathery book. Everything's made out of leather.

I gotta thought of a pants off leather shoes leatheroscope I've got a tricorder leather hdrum vadong. Very cool. Two leather disks stapled made by nipples stapled. You can just glue him up on this or going back in time. Okay. All right. There was not the proper tassel glue.

Yeah. There was no Elmer's or anything to, discover with with the, with the problem with witches is that like it was always these are the witches were the girls in the town back in the day that would wear tassels right so I mean witches were just a old old time burlesque dancers they just like to express themselves with their physical body well so so basically starts with Stone Age like once we came out of the like the pure monkey cycle of being humans the first thing we started to do was a car various you know idols based upon things that we thought they'd govern nature and a lot of that had to do with a moon religion and this is the traces of the very beginning of where

magic came from where which the idea of which craft came from which was these ancient moon religions that celebrated the female part of society which is essentially because you know they got the um they got a weird little spongy as we know is spongy by Andrei Chikatilo the Russian uh the Russian serial killer who said that uteruses were super spongy to chew on they are and he thought it was fun he literally chewed on them like gum and spit them out I just learned that recently it is stupid humans wasting money on wrigglies you know I'll just carve out your uterus every woman has uterus in there while you buy gum when you buy gum when you can get so much rusty nail flavored gum inside of a woman's belly it must be fun to look at women just as large

moving vending machines you don't I'm sorry all right so we have the moon because the men won yes well apparently we're losing now so the moon cycle goes down that's the basis of this religion yes and so this is a religion right is this classified as a religion well you could just say it's the same as anything else but it it's it's the original impulse that there is more to uh our life than we what we see in front of it and that's where it started which is the idea of that's why there were so many sun god-based religions and so many moon-based religions because they would look up at the sky and they would see the thing up in the sky and you're like that's god and they're like but maybe there's nothing and they're like shut up croc stone him

stone him uh and so like he would go and they it started from there and basically it was a sort of groovy lifestyle when we were nomadic we kind of lived out like you know we we used what we had you know we didn't need to get more than what we needed and we believed that there was a creatress there was a gigantic goddess who was earth that was everything and that there was a traditionally through most societies there was this idea of a thing called the horned man which is a uh sort of you know that's like after you have like eight pbrs you become the horned man just grabbing all the butts at the local tavern and things like that okay the way they put it is that the creatress was um if the goddess created earth and that the horn man lived on earth and the horn

man experienced life while the creatress made life and the idea is that it was it was a dual nature every single one of these societies had sort of a dual idea because it was balanced which seems it seems rational because women do create life it was very rational and a lot of the times how did men steal that by the way how did the bible like make men the creators of life like we just straight up we're just like magical rib they wrote it down yeah they just wrote it like that oh my god i've been going through the tour with my girlfriend oh my every time god it's just a guy talking about shit that he doesn't like but that's what happened that's what emperor constantine the first he sat down once when when christ came out and they were just like oh yeah we

got our new leonard of the caprio there's been a fucking slap on this whole fucking bullshit and so they went and they like that's when they wrote this idea that they made christianity the religion which was again outwardly said you know they took all the pagan and and and sort of wicking holidays and they put our holidays on top of them they made uh jesus the like which the jesus mary story is really very similar like also the story of like both religions use a try god like originally like the goddess was three goddesses in one it was the baby woman it was hot supple big titted goddess oh yes and then crone goddess which was like you know fucking old bitch right right right in one okay three and one and they were you know so a lot of ideas are stolen back and

forth and then again for a period of time when emperor constantine came out and said you know christianity is a one religion we were still an idea people were kind of like hey you know like we could still do this you know so they would still let you know tribe still had their wise woman or where the word which came from which is the idea wise woman uh and they would just to kind of lived in harmony for a little while until finally i forget which pope it was it was some dick no king james king james the first came out and said basically just like the horn man's the devil and the uh you know the we and we need to stop these people right they're talking as a horn man they they applied the horn man idea to the satanic idea which again we just kind of stole

the horn man from them as an idea of the naturalistic impulses of man instead of the pure white white wink wink wink blue eyed blonde hair right jesus who stood for spiritual purity yeah that white blonde blue eyed uh fell in the middle east there yeah yeah no they they're all over the place they're running amok they're like hipsters in williamsburg so after king james the idea that women created life that's that's gone that's done well king james that's in four uh 1596 i guess so yeah fit king james of scotland i mean there's a long history before that i mean there's a lot of stuff yeah there's a lot of stuff like in the eighth century that's when charlemagne this is a very strange thing it's an ironic thing he said that burning witches was a pagan practice okay so he's like no

more burning witches no we can't with the burning witches we can slice them into sandwiches oh that's good that'll do that you know we can um we can hang them up by their eyebrows that's not a bad way to do it my favorite punishment i read about was i think called the cooking stool yes which is a barrel attached to a seesaw and mainly what we would do is dunky in and out of a lake but mainly it was used for the crime of being a scold yeah and a scold meant just being an old fat complaining bitch pretty much it used to be illegal to be a female vlogger i mean that's really quite remarkable i want to bring it back i'm bringing it back watch out xo chain you're all going for the drift that's what they were talking about i thought yeah it's just see

because then what was it the uh it's like the floating test that was the whole sinking test the river was all right so take it away yeah so throughout uh all of pretty much the entire world but mainly focused in witchcraft is a very big thing in europe and africa okay uh and european nations like you know america because we put a quick boot on that and now mostly witchcraft here is used to hawk gems right yes definitely yeah and mostly women were persecuted as far as being witches and whatnot however some countries persecuted mostly men iceland they mostly persecuted men as witches really yeah and how do they do they treat them in a similar way did they give them the the cockling stool or anything like they did not allow them to survive it's really anybody who makes

like this this sound naturally oh yeah anybody who could just like that it's how they laugh at something when you say like oh you know yeah yeah klingor fell off the ice prank last night oh yeah he's a witch he's a witch i know everyone backs away slowly but not all people in uh in england and uh in europe saw witches as evil creatures it was mostly it just became an excuse eventually where it's like if you didn't like hagrid you told everybody that hagrid was a witch and then she's like no no well now she's acting like a scold so we're gonna kill her no matter what nobody likes my scones i bring my scones to the baking show and everything put her in the water put her in the water drip her good drip her real good that's so bad in england they had somebody's

probably trying to do it just to get a bath like oh why didn't when homeless people get arrested on purpose i kind of like the cooking yes i think she's actually acting worse afterwards maybe i deserve the cooking stew stone her no not the stairs he's something like that woman from old mama from the trend old troll no mama from i win loves his mama so in england they had many different kinds of doctors which doctors was the term that was used in england before it was ever used in africa they had people called toad doctors what toad doctors would do they would cure the sick by placing a live toad or the leg of one in a muslin bag and hang it around the sick person's neck i remember i went to a guy like that off of malcom x boulevard oh yeah but he was more of an indian

dentist oh very fast well your teeth look great it's been a number of years yes there were other men called girdle measures okay they specialized in diagnosing elements caused by fairies including healing scroffula now what's wrong that's a good thing to know it sounds like a thing that they'd serve at like a hipster brunch yes this side of the scroffula i hope you like spelt it is a vegan body it's like a two pounds of spelt it's a skin disease okay it was also called the kingsie i just feel like the kings evil in this time period most people had skin disease yes yes it wasn't like oh i'm breaking out it was like there is a fly living in my cheekbones that's right bouncing around i mean they went to the doctor and the doctor put a toad on them yeah like that's the healthy it's not

medicine no it's toad medicine just thanks for that out here guys i know some of you live in iceland some of you live in even more backwards places like ireland don't let them tell you that this is medicine that's right of course an irish fellow who posted on the facebook page let's raise this place let's raise this good god you can't have these irish people on our facebook page what's wrong with these people so there's plenty of good magic out there in england and in the americas but there is also black magic you mean like this is just one of my favorite dates ever is that i'm just being inappropriate let's just keep moving forward let's keep moving forward barrel and towards the end of this black black magic is also known as the left-handed path yeah

so they do their magic only for evil purposes their operations may vary from things as trivial as afflicting somebody he dislikes with lice to blighting crops and cattle or committing rape and murder like the Celtic poet magicians who were said to rhyme their victims to death by declaring literally blistering satires against them in verses which caused black red and white splotches to erupt on the skin followed sooner or later by death this is really what slam poets think that they're doing right they really think that it exists like i'm going to sit the world on fire tonight with my poem about the city streets street lamps light lamps oh god i'm starting to burn a little bit the ultimate morsy avenue the ultimate aim of the master black

magician which is to wield supreme power over the entire universe and to make themselves god this is deep dark witch black magic yeah it's just humble but then there are a lot of people who say like even alistair crowley and a lot of other people afterwards say that there's no such difference between white or black magic and people who say that there are differences between white and black magic or just trying to make them some sound better so so we will tell me tell me this why in 1932 did an american writer find after evidence of a witch's coven being or a witch's ceremony being performed found a witch doll pierced with pins and smeared with toad's blood intended to kill the person it represented and near it resting on a bible was an inverted crucifix on which a toad

had been crucified head down it just sounds like someone was just getting done in the cosmetology school yeah and honestly they crucified toads all the time in texas they were trying to make normal they were just the first people designing goth makeup yeah so we real quick going back to your so the europe uh the european witches they were like doctors and then in africa they were considered more like it was more like dark magic in africa well in africa they're also happening at the same time in in modern africa people will still go to the witch doctor before they go to the regular but it's also happened all over the place in italy there was a thing called the strega which is like also the strega nonna strega nonna and it's not just that fucking dumb book yes

strega nonna eat my ass oh and i think that but the strega was a the normal woman who was at the center of a town and they the way they uh they described her i was listening to a witch a witch right now who lives in new york her name is uh lori was last name bianco or something like that and she's like she's like you know i come from a long line on witches and i always know and i hate psychic powers and george know he's like that is absolutely fascinating thank you lori that's right witches and car dealers yes so strega but it's like strega's it was like a consigliere that's what they called them it's like they were people that would go to the strega for advice and she would come and be like you two families you fight maybe not so much

yeah it's like she's good advice yeah maybe not so much well navajo indians as well also have magical beliefs they believe that in order to obtain the black magic power you had to murder one of your younger brothers or sisters oh my jackie look out jackie's a brows coming for you and the congo people say that witches walk upside down i mean that's just a congo in general congos have mixed up place there's a lot of factors going on in the congo in black magicians are white gorillas are sexually perverse they love dirty things filthy habits like urinating and drinking vessels are often taken as indications that a person is probably a witch one of my uh favorite friends from atlanta named lisa who is a very magical woman was trying to describe to me that drinking piss

is what we need to do to live forever i'll tell you there's a lot of witches in chelsea lot of witches in chelsea so going back real quick to the the european times you get your witch doctors when did everything go wrong for them everything went wrong around the 16th century okay what happened there did people just realized they weren't getting cured with the toad with the toad blood it was that there was a lot of social unrest and then comes down to you're just gonna go for people who are having a better time than you i was just thinking about this yesterday i was like walking through i was having a miserable day walk around the city yesterday i was looking on instagram instagram and just like people on vacations everyone had a great time i'm miserable i'm

walking around i was just like i just i'm gonna i'm gonna burn these people to death sure and this is what people do people looked at the witches they were all sitting around they had to wear like nine layers of clothes because god forbid anybody saw your penis here fucking your priest you can't fuck anybody anymore right you look and you just see a bunch of people just noodling in a fucking field just like half naked the only girl with great tits in the village is over there blowing all the other like you know the other fat dudes who look like the nerds at comic con now that go to like lomons of the alternative thing to hopefully get somebody who's like into new bodies you know just like you go do you want to go is that what fat people are calling their bodies now new bodies

alternative bodies oh i see and not only that but when you have people that start to accuse these people of things that's when you get other psychopaths involved that just want to fuck people up like our friend the witch master general yeah matthew hopkins matthew hopkins it was because what i found was really interesting about the english witch trials too is that they they would do of course they would do like a witch test they would take someone they'd be like she's a witch and they're like all right well we're gonna put her either we're gonna put her in the ducking dunking stool or we're gonna they'll do a thing where they like they tire up they throw her in the lake if she sinks it's which is happening yeah they would wear against a stack of bibles if

she was not equal to the weight of the bible she was a witch she's insane yeah but then they would do that and then they put her on a real trial like she'd have a jury and a judge and they say it was something like one in ten it was one in five one in five would actually get a persecution which is great so there was actually a process it was interesting to learn in this uh well doing the research that there was like the the court system one in five i mean that's a pretty low chance of you actually being a real witch just the fact that people are even trying to say you're a witch which is an unprovable crime right i mean like the fact that they could get like acquitted it's fine but matthew hopkins when he showed up he was just like no we will oh oh she's got bush hair

well you gotta kill her for that oh perfect pink nickels and this and when was hopkins around he was around 1644 right yeah 1644 1644 to 1647 he killed 300 witches during that time and he was 22 or 24 he was 24 when he was doing all this he was born in 1620 and he was doing this yeah he died when he was 20 well he disappeared when he was 27 there's a lot of then there was an alternative theory that he went to america right started the Salem witch trial but started 50 years after he was uh yeah but technically he would have been like 70 so he could have been alive he could have been alive but he was the first one to really make an anti-witch push well yeah because and basically fighting one of the many theories is that he there's the theory that he

just did it for money because he got a shit ton of money every single time he played a witch because he'd walk into town and be like i will find the old witch it's the one with the purple hair she's like no i just wanted to try something with the berries i've died it with berry juice yeah yeah yeah ban a witch now the persecution of witches started almost 200 years earlier yeah but he was the one that he he was just a dude who fucking he became like doll flundering from punisher and this thing yeah and things took a lot longer to kind of disperse themselves like you know now you have punk in 1977 you have new way by 1982 right i'd compare it to that yeah back then you had the malus malafakiram which is a the hammer of witches which is a witch hunting

manual it's amazing in 1486 but it doesn't get over to matthew hopkins until 1644 okay so what's in this witch hunting manual oh i love the witch hunting manual this sounds exciting to me yes the malus malafakira meaning hammer of witches in english de hexenhamma in german okay is a treat us always harder yeah better in germany the main purpose of the malus was to attempt to systematically refute arguments claiming that witchcraft does not exist to discredit those who express skepticism about its reality to claim that witches were more often women than men and to educate magistrates on the procedures that could find out and convict them okay so this was an incredibly detailed set of rules it's all just being like if if the length between her first

toes it was twice a furlong from the second toe she's a witch better she's a witch she's a witch and it's uh it's divided into three sections section one argues that the devil exists and has the power to do astounding things and that witches exist to help the devil hell yeah yeah they are rock and roll and it said that women were uh most susceptible to the devil because they're weak they're not strong like men they are more libidinous than men yeah libidinous again much more sexual it's it's pretty much anybody who watched because that was another theory about a matthew hopkins is that he couldn't get it up and so it's like these are guys it's like this it's the same impetus that serial killers have which is i can't get it up i look at a woman as an

object of desire that i can't fucking translate i can't communicate with so i'm gonna kill it i'm gonna i'm gonna damn it and i'm gonna kill it so that i don't have to deal with it anymore i don't have to worry about their wildly swinging peach delicious breasts peachy breasts so they believe that men are the givers of life and women are the horniest of the two uh genders yeah they got it all wrong women are right those are both wrong they're completely wrong i think they were just punching themselves in the dick every day we human beings punched themselves in the dick from like 1400 to 1965 thank god somebody invented basketball thank god the first section also mentioned crew and nation which is another trial by ordeal and which is if anything they go through

they went through trials by ordeal more than anything else we talked about trials by ordeal in one of our past episodes i think that's what you torture they keep them awake for three days straight that's what matthew hopkins would do is that he would keep them up for the in order to get any of the big thing was to get a confession they wanted a confession they want them to say their which he'd keep them up for days so that was his thing i could not stop thinking about zero dark 30 when we're watching that it's like nothing changed 2000 2003 was the exact same torture techniques they were using in the 1600 i literally was saying i was watching a doc last night that was kind of talking about the fact that like it wasn't so much that they that the church even openly

said that there were witches and there were magic it was more like if there are we are going to show everyone that we can dominate it so it's the same exact thing it's not like our war against terrorism is it's it's it's a war against a concept right in order to show everybody oh no give us the rock we can handle it we'll be the fucking superpower right right right yeah so let's so the first so i'm sorry what were the three again the three uh sections yeah the three sections oh i only went to haven't even got to the other two yeah okay yeah but what crew nation was it was a trial by ordeal in which they would bring in the corpse of the person that the accused was accused of murdering or killing by witchcraft they would put their hands on them and if the corpse

started bleeding or otherwise showed any other signs of distress the person was guilty they thought it was too heavy metal to continue but they were dead they were dead yeah okay yeah trials by ordeal are like there was one i mean we talked about in iceland is like if you stand upon if you put sod above your head and if the sod falls then you are guilty yeah that's why you're fucking kidding me that's so trial by ordeal is just stupid justice okay that's all it is stupid stupid justice nicholas cage and steven seagull get need to get together for a movie called stupid justice okay what you guys need to do is everybody here needs to you need to catch all the m&m's and if you don't catch all the m&m's well you're guilty of being a sorcerer nick cages bow and rings halfway

through the movie he just answers it oh yeah i'm filming a movie right now i'll talk to you right now sorry every pot it section two is matters of practice in actual cases and the powers of witches and their recruitment strategies it is stated that mostly witches as opposed to the devil who do the recruiting by making something go wrong in the life of a respectable matron that makes her consult the knowledge of the witch by or by introducing young maidens yeah that's tempting young devils that's how i got uh satan into my life as well but it's only helped me since right so they create a problem for somebody so then the person has to come to them and ask for help exactly okay yeah interesting section three is the legal part drug dealers yeah first one's free

yeah after that you gotta suck you gotta kiss my devil's mark yeah you gotta yeah then you get all the smack yeah you need guess my devil's mark that's how i'd be as a fucking drug dealer you like you want smack carol in and i got all of it you want some of it you need it be amazing no one would do drugs anymore if all drug dealers were like you that would be like cocaine like cocaine the devil's the devil's mark was another thing that they would use during the prosecution is said that when a witch becomes a witch the devil kisses her on a certain part of her body and that part of the body is impervious to pain so they would take a metal pin and just stick the witch all over her entire body until they would find a spot where she didn't say ouch wow wow

okay i mean that's foolproof yeah brilliant science yeah absolutely mm-hmm the authors offer a step-by-step guide of the conduct of a witch trial from the method of initiating the process and assembling accusations to the interrogation including torture of witnesses and the formal charging of the accused women who did not cry during their trial were automatically believed to be witches again but we we do that to people on television absolutely like i mean kasey anthony look at her yep absolutely no it's it's so true nothing has changed nothing has changed it's exactly the same it's just because it's all about it's a pageant in the end it's all about like you want to you want to make sure that the crowd's happy and that everybody feels like

no we all agree we are handling the witch problem yay this is a good work everybody all right so you get through ordeal and then you have examples mm-hmm well and uh the examples of what they were accused of infanticide cannibalism and this is a real big one yeah in witches not only in europe and america but in africa as well stealing penises stealing penises it's a big big thing it's huge and in modern-day africa it's still i mean i don't think people know i was reading about this last night and i don't think twice the weight of penis that you're gonna get out of africa than you'd ever get in europe like i don't think people know how bad the problem of sorcery and witchcraft is in africa well it's actually going on right now and watch a great

vice show on monrovia and they were talking during in monrovia which is um hell on earth which is like the worst place in the fucking planet the gang wars that are like all there was like a gigantic revolution that broke out of monrovia and the people that basically the it was like eventually everyone just kind of forgot about the revolution and everyone just kind of just started fighting and different factions just took over the city and that one of them is a guy i forget his name his name is literally like captain superman he's like like literally some nuts he's the leader of a gang he's a total cannibal he believes that he eats he eats human meat in order to like get power from his enemies in 2012 does he believe he's a sorcerer yeah he

believed he believes that he's the devil right yeah but i'm talking about actual like people believing that like there are thousands of children each year that are just cast out of their homes because they're believed to be witches ganna has multiple witch camps that have been set up for hundreds of years where people sin to this day sin their children to live or they just banish someone from the community camp like heavy weight like fat camp yes similar in tanzania they the government is having to fully address the problem right of people slaughtering albinos because they believe their body parts bring luck let's all just go to hell let's just say number one albinos there's something off about them we all we all know that for a fact i don't know if they

need to be slaughtered but yeah i don't think we did yeah i don't think we need to be slaughtered yes treat them like a canvas that's true and it got it was it was god's watercolor for it god's coloring book for us did you imagine i was just i just painted painted black with like fake fake lips gone it could be curly blonde could be that you could paint i don't notice anything different about me it's like what a man has a toupee on like no no you looked like just like you did yesterday i'll buy no tom and it's not just me don't kiss me i'll make up a come on oh okay i wasn't gonna kiss you but it's not just in africa either it's the middle east as well saudi arabia still has very strict laws about witchcraft and sorcery on the books and in fact last year a woman was

beheaded for practicing sorcery in witchcraft what she was a scold she was a skull yeah teacher to start complaining about how you don't like your how big your airplane seat is it is amazing that they would be headed woman for being a witch in 2012 going back to the stealing of penis's thing why and how because men are impotent and they need to blame someone for it and since they can't get it up they have to say like oh a witch because they're not saying he she's literally stolen my penis it's just so on the energy of yeah it's so on the energy is like yeah i'm sitting think i was like she's a rain bomb but it everyone's just like stealing sacks of penises and i'm like you're going out of the market and getting bread for it what do you do with a bunch of penises just to

wake up in the morning like huh suddenly you're just shooting straight out of your piss straight out of your stomach that's what i was picturing having to fucking just lay on a toilet that is just that's the worst nightmare isn't it yeah wake up and it's gone and there's just a hole yeah it's just like through weird birds flying out of it it's not proper okay so it's because of impotency it's all about impotency so this is basically uh men can't get hard and they they blame what's reason why we wiped out the rhino population is because of it came convinced that rhino horns makes your dick hard if you can't get your dick hard and there's nothing that men won't kill for then if their dick can't get hard and they want to get their dick impotent

men really ruin the world well i mean look at dick chaney you think oh he had a fucking squirt that didn't involve the little girl crying in the last like 25 years do you think anybody like uh skull and bones much like the zodiac killer uh arthur lee uh he loved the the the the sounds of children of torture young girls yeah this is yeah we have impotent white men and are really just the worst force yes yeah they're an evil force in the universe you know are we the second one of the uh we've already gone through all of them we've got all three yeah i love it yeah break those down though real quick just real real fast bullet point them real fast section one is matters of practice okay section two is or no section one 500 page

book yeah it's a huge book section one argues that the devil exists and has the power to do astounding things that witches can help okay section two is the actual practice and what they do the recruitment strategy right and section three is the legalities of it how to process it was a highly organized system that's what i really appreciate after a while we'll look at it it's like they really went through a lot of checks and balances i mean they were all um wrong right i mean they're all fake well it's based on you know notion number one that the devil is real and that you know these witches are helping but it's also a gigantic switch in a frame of mine when we're i'm gonna get a little bit on a fluffy do tangent here but the idea that magic is not

a thing that you could it's not necessarily incantations and all this stuff it's a way that humans deal with their environment deal with the universe for a long time we understood that we because perception was different when we were cavemen we were more hive mind based we were more connected to each other and the implants and the scott and the stars and that's what we were it was all one gigantic organism we knew that where it's like the church did a really good long job of like trying to tell everybody that like when you can't rise up above us because if you could collect all your collected unconscious power you know one could be in control of you right and we are going to show you that so you need someone to be in control of you which is

arguably true if people like to be in control yeah but it's like people also like to be controlled i mean yeah rather people need to be controlled because if not we would just be i mean like i can walk around with my dick out of my pants all day long and go like and you do but some people shouldn't you know i'm a dude that can do that that's when i watched that avengers movie and loki was given a speech about how humans like to be controlled i was about to get down on my knees and uh and praise loki as well as god yeah just suck that sweet fucking supernatural did we want to start getting hogwarts with it let's get into some spells i think we should should we put any hogwarts music in there i think we should put we can put some hogwarts music in there anything

else as far as the history of which is well to segue into getting a little hogwarts with it yeah there were written around these times what you call grim wars these things actually existed they're pretty sweet it's kind of fun it's really fun they were right is that grim wars are magical textbooks essentially the only problem with them is that a lot of them were written in latin or middle english no one can read and no one can fucking well people can read them but no one's translating them and you can find these you can find scans of these online and i just look at them with such sadness because i just see all this latin gobbledygook and i know that it's rad shit that's what it is i know that it's rad shit and uh there were some of these grim wars

that what they did is they actually prayed to god they called upon god there was one uh that was called uh like the grim war malifactum that was written by a pope and the priest was supposed to be the magician was supposed to be a priest and they were to they prayed to god and asked him for his power and their plan was that you could steal god's power you could siphon off god's power and use it to summon the devil yeah i can flip the script on him hail satan hail satan well for now for for creative purposes i will be serving the magic of light today okay so tough your caps ladies i will protect you with my magic of purity all right what is the magic of purity well i want i want marcus to face me with some of his dark torals of cerebus's house yeah you want some

fucking it light magic oh i'll give you some fucking dark magic because i've got you some fucking satanic magic coming your fucking way asshole my nerd alert is really going off here guys aha you'll never get through my white bridges of sanity i'm gonna bind your ass to the fucking floor oh but i've got shoes with bells on them i've got to pop it all right well these are my friends isn't that fun to realize do we want to go through some spell i have recently played dungeons and dragons i will say that out loud and i've got a plus five protection spell that's good i said crackers i did like that yeah that was very very nice all right so you're gonna cast a spell on me all right cast a spell on marcus father in the name of jesus christ of

nazareth i please i plead the precious and corruptible blood of jesus over myself and my family and everything that belongs to us i asked for giant warrior angels to be loosed from heaven to surround and protect us as your war club and weapons of war i break down undam and blow up all walls of protection around all witches warlocks wizards satanists and alike and i break the power of all curses hexes vexes spells charms fetishes physics prayers physics thought it's his physics physics power physics warfare prayer chains and everything else being set my way or my family members way and i return it and the demons and the senders right now sevenfold and i bind it to them my name blood of jesus father i pray that these lost souls will find the light of your son jesus

their own snares and traps have been set against themselves in the name of jesus christ of nazareth i know loose them from your mind control of satan father i hope that you do mind only spare out to the heart and a god your son jesus so they may be step free from the bondages of satan and jesus's name i pray amen i'm about to fuck you up hail satan hail satan a lot of lord talk in there all right well i'm gonna do some voodoo on your ass all right cool all right this is a binding spell through which after i'm done now i already ate about like seven pounds of gouda yesterday oh okay i think i may have done a binding spell to myself that is just the spell eat seven pounds of gouda well to do a binding spell if you want to do one at home you must make your own poppet

which a poppet is a likeness of the person that you are a saving part of your croissant yeah marcus is holding part of his croissant and i believe he's trying to make a look uh i'm going to make it look like henry's a brows he's just putting well i've just got some ham he's got ham for the head that's not at a croissant for the body and i'll tell you the spitting image of henry's a brows this is gonna work here it is this is my poppet for henry although i am i am missing my dragon's wart and my comfrey and my blood root and my agrimony and my and my cypress and my uh oh i've got my tobacco all right and we have tobacco very very powerful tobacco so i present henry zebrowski to be bound what i do to this image i do to henry zebrowski

henry zebrowski is bound he is unable to speak against me he is bound he is unable to act against me henry zebrowski is bound he is unable to harm me in any way obvious sometimes oh my so yeah now you can so now i've got to go outside i've got to take my poppet and hang it upside down in the image of the tarot card of the hang man by the way this step of the ritual was given to me from azzazelle all right this is protection incantation from moon muses i'm gonna eat this later by the way that's not an idea that's disgusting that's like harry connick jr's like favorite not not wasn't a harry dean stamp his favorite breakfast i'm a witch of ancient lore i petition these trees and forest floor converge myself upon this site spider weaving power and might air and fire

water and earth aid in my quest i call you forth oradia oradia iron tone thrice the power you have shown open my spiral of strength and sorcery encompass the soul you have granted me pentacle of old stones of deep protection around assistance i seek marry my veins to this earth serunos i summon you fifth steel needles and pins red blood of sins very deep and cladestine dusk liquid venus scent of musk hear my words from moon to moon site the lord and ladies are ruined by the law of three times three so would it be written by barbara morris that's very good all right i'm done fucking around here i'm this one i'm gonna have one of you guys do it here's what i'm gonna do i am gonna have one of your own fans place a fucking death spell on really isn't that

a spell it's time for a satanic death spell and by the way in case you didn't know out there magic is the power that satan has given us to protect us from the aliens this is the thing we didn't even cover because it's like they say this you know angels are the nephilim they are from outer space they brought us here this is the only way we could get even ground with them is in order to harness the power of the earth to fight them so we're doing good we're doing good but we still gotta kill you so if you want to do this just get ahold of me and i'll mail you my henry poppet okay because you're gonna need this poppet after you get the poppet go to the i mean it's gonna be it's gonna be falling apart oh it's gonna be it already is falling quite apart yeah all right

go to the cemetery get some dirt you need to vent into the poppet visualizing the victim all of the hate you possibly can especially during its construction it is imperative here to stay focused with intent try to do this during a waning moon when the moon is in scorpio or capricorn is a very good time right construct a small box cardboard is fine does not need to be wood okay a shoe box would work light a black candle concentrate intensely upon the death and destruction of the enemy do not be disturbed or lose your focus don't be disturbed or lose your focus we got it hey over here no no don't vote don't lose your focus hey don't lose your focus don't play head games with these people henry's are trying to kill you i fully agree with what they're doing

put the effigy into don't lose your focus henry let them focus on killing you please bury it in dirt inside the box save some of the dirt your grave dirt take it outside or back to the graveyard and bury it placing the reserve dirt on top of the box knowing that's that's an all caps knowing knowing the victim in a bag a bunch of dirt in a black candle and a picture of a bunch of ham distracting henry's a brouski knowing that the victim will meet his or her death do not think about the spell or the enemy after you have done this don't think about me will interfere with its work don't you dare think about me and that's it that's how you kill henry's a broski that's wonderful or anybody really if you want to take a lot more than that

i'll tell you that i'll tell you what well if you want to find a celebrity love on facebook uh this is one that you know these are sort of older spells that henry and marcus have uh have been discussing this is coming more this is a newer one but it's similar it has it has its roots yeah step one if you want a celebrity to love you step one get a picture of the celebrity step two and this is uh optional give a kiss to the celebrity step three hold it above a lit candle and then say oh celebrity's name so let's say who we're going to go matthew mcconohay oh matthew mcconohay how i want to meet you at noon you will be on if you will be on facebook and you will find me as a cool person and you should so and you should so add me so mode it be

what so mode it be this is from a website called spells of magic calm which is completely populated by a literate autistic kid this thing is i don't know what mode is so mode it be my favorite is five star tested werewolf spell oh well i found this spell in a book i have it's an old russian spell i'm not sure if it's been on here or not but i'm still gonna post it my friend tested it and he told me it works oh it must work oh yeah one go outside at night time it must be clear the moon must be visible nothing can cover it it does not have to be a full moon but if it is it's more powerful overall any moon face will work you might want to be alone note do not say this under a new moon whoa which he just but i don't understand because he was so groovy about it get your candle

and set it into the bowl and the candle holder light it up and set it in front of the candle focus on a slide if you don't have it it's fine begin to meditate after you relax stand up and chant this spell three times in the ocean sea on the ocean beyond and the open plane shines the moon upon an aspen stump into the green wood into the spreading veil around the stump goes a shaggy wolf under its teeth are all the horned cattle but into the wood the wolf goes not into the veil the wolf does not roam moon moon golden horns melt the bullet blunt the knife not the crutchle strike fear into men beast and reptile so that they may not seize the gray wolf nor tear him from his warm hide my word is firm firmer than sleep or the strength of heroes have you said

it three times say this is my will by the power of three moded be say three times in about a week or two weeks time you'll have side effects these side effects may or may not include headaches ribaches stomach aches tailbone aches spiny's nausea uncontrollable anger barking growling and howling tailbone aches you should shift when you see the full moon any questions please message me thanks for reading all right oh this is one for a traditional dirty love spell for women only burn the cloth that absorbs the women menstruation burn the cloth that absorbs the women menstruation blood into ashes so you want to get a little cloth there full administration burn it into ashes mix the ashes into a drink and give it to your husband or any man to drink it they will

listen to whatever you say you are king but only for knowledge interesting you want to turn into a wolf i'm gonna become a bat what this is transform into a bat spell you will need the following items for this spell your voice night time or sunset and belief that it will work okay that is key number one for a lot of these say this at sunset or at night inside or outside by the secret of the dark and the song of moonlight cloak me with a type of bat's wings and transform what type of bat do you know big bat all of me a big mean bat big human size bat and transform me at the dam of each day's light number two imagine yourself turning into a bat will it to happen three three you will transform at sunset every day then transform back at dawn

side effects back shoulder and arm pain two sharp fangs will grow in the front of your mouth perfect night vision a craving for whatever your breed of bat eats anxiety with mostly a nice healthy apple fruit like diet yeah anxiety when you're in a bright area and your skin burns more easily okay very interesting i don't want to be a bat no not many people do want to be a bat not many people do want to be a bat i also do like the summon a gnome one but that is basically long story short put out a bunch of bread with a cup of milk and then go into your room and wait for a rat to come and eat it that's pretty much what the summon the gnome one is but i just thought it to be very very funny so i don't think any of these worked no i don't know we can also

try to summon the grim reaper let's do that let's all right well in the episode with us summoning the grim reaper yeah you need 10 black candles a completely dark room picture of person you want dead and offering to the great reaper uh an alive rabbit cat or bird this is so great because i have an alive rabbit right here with me we just got the 10 candles you know what i was also one of my favorite ones i read was like how to make someone fall in love with you it's the saddest spell i've ever heard it's like think about the person that you want to love you masturbate thinking about them masturbate thinking about yeah and upon a moment of ejaculation go oh oh blank oh i love you so much i hope you'll be with me motive it's just the saddest thing i've ever seen so after

you've got all that stuff and we do right in front of us just all you got to do is just chant power of dark power of light summon the great reaper to win the life fight power of dark power of what is it when the life fight power when the power of dark power of light summon the great reaper to win the life fight to win the life of power of dark light summon the reaper to win the power of life fight yeah i mean and this is written by deep sea 226 oh and if you look at deep sea 226 what did i tell you a literate autistic kid oh okay yeah that's nice finding my happy place this is great well the grim reaper show up his personal bio feel the dark energy in the air i i feel bad making fun of a weird kid but no you shouldn't know that's their function in life they like it they like i got it

you know now i'm totally normal well yeah you're completely completely normal uh so now you guys know a little bit about the uh about witches and witchcraft and things like that make your own more that's right have fun dancing with your coven indeed um all right everybody hail satan and uh and send in your own spells put them on the facebook page your message ccr and follow us on twitter and henry loves you and that ben kissle and at marcus parks i'm doing that now nice i was told to do that who told you that i just thought about it myself sure yeah and check out my band the cowlman well then let's not plug it let's not go plug crazy henry is also on a television show called adult swim and then i'll be performing at cabin bar on thursday night move it up all right

everybody will hail satan i'll hail me i'll gain mcgoo stillations and of course hail yourself