Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 95: Listenerpasta

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

This one's for you! We took calls and emails from our listeners telling us their creepiest and scariest real life stories involving ghosts, demons, serial killers, and, in the best email we've ever gotten, a secret government military base!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Let's get a little energy in here. Let's get a little pep. Let's get a little pizzazz. Money, money, money, money, money, money. I'm spending money. Yeah, that's right. Are we gonna go? Yeah. All right, welcome to the show, everybody. That's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel.

Big money spender to my left. It's Ted Cruz! Yeah, I don't know. I'm Ted Cruz. Wow, political. Nobody's gonna work anymore. I don't care if the fucking salmonella gets all up in your nose and you eat your chicken. I don't care. Ah, congressman. Everybody take the week out. That's not so bad. Salmonella beats. Is that Ted Cruz's impression?

It was great as far as the overall energy and rage that filled Senator Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz sounds more like this. I'm Ted Cruz and everybody, you know, we're just working for the weekend, everybody. Everybody enjoy yourselves. Everybody's working for the weekend. I just imagine like congressmen running up and down the office just like playing with volleyball and stuff like that. Right, right. All right, well let's get off the depressing news of the U.S. government and into some exciting news that deals with macabre, ghost stories, spectrophilia and overall demons. We accepted stories from you guys this week.

And thank you so much for submitting your stories. They are all incredible. We've talked to some awesome people today. You're gonna hear their stories. A lot of frightening shit. We've all experienced horrible things and it's nice to hear it firsthand. That's right. That's right. It's more than a thrill to get a chance to actually speak with you. I love Halloween. It's the best. It's really perfect. All right, well do we just want to go to our first caller? Yeah, let's go to our first caller.

All right, let's start it off. All right, all right, we got Sarah on the line. Sarah, welcome to the show Hail Satan. Hail Satan, how's it going guys? Congratulations. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm full of Indian food and coffee right now as we were talking before. Yes, Henry. It seems spontaneous, but we set this up. Yes, Henry revealed to all of us that he had lamb curry with iced coffee this morning and now he's sucking down another iced coffee so you can imagine the tumbles that are currently going on in his stomach. It's quite disgusting. It's probably slightly scarier than your story, Sarah, but please. Yeah, so yeah, you're our guinea pig storyteller, so let's do this. Yes, thank you so much for calling in. Thanks, guys.

Okay, so this is like a story that I don't tell very often because I worry that people think I'm crazy. You're crazy! Henry, don't judge her. This is a safe zone, Sarah. Safe zone. Continue, please. Thank you. I appreciate that. So when I was in high school, I used to babysit a lot as a lot of young girls do, and I was babysitting one night for one of my brother's college professors. It's quite a steamy scenario. She had three kids and they lived in one of these super big old houses. Like Buffalo, like it's pretty depressed right now, but at the turn of the century they had these like, it was like pretty booming and there would be these like huge mansions and now, you know, their teachers can afford them.

Yeah. So I was babysitting one night and I put the three kids to bed. They were really nice kids. I put them in bed. They were fine, and I sat down on the couch and I started doing some homework. I remember I was reading a book and there was a moment while I was reading the book that I, it was like instantaneous. I went from sitting on the couch to standing in the kitchen. Oh, that sounds exactly like what Henry does. Just losing time. But it was just, it was like, there was no putting the book down. There was no standing up.

It was just, I was just standing in the doorway of the kitchen and I was looking at the kitchen and it's kind of hard to describe, but I was sort of, I was looking at the kitchen and I was like, I was looking at the kitchen and I was seeing it as it was, but I had at the same time a knowledge of how it was supposed to be and where things belonged. And I was sort of confused as to why they weren't like that, which was a weird, it was a weird feeling and it was, and it's hard to describe, but it was sort of like, like next to myself a little bit, it's hard to describe. So do you feel like it was an out of body type experience or? Like, I was like, yeah, a little bit like I was in my body, but I was also not myself a little bit. And we have to ask you, were you high? I wish. Were you being a bad babysitter, Sarah?

I was a very, very good girl. And so I was standing, I was standing in the kitchen and I started walking around the house and I was looking for a child named Miss Jeff. Okay. I mean, that wasn't their name. Which is a stripper name. Yes, yes. And also a Tom Waits song. Ah, yes.

A child named Miss Jeff. Yes, yes. That's perfect. That's a perfect Tom Waits, Henry. So you're looking for this child Miss Jeff, all the kids are asleep, you're in this massive house. And have you, had you been in the house before? I had, yeah. Okay.

And I never had really an experience like this before where I was just sort of like, not myself, just sort of like walking around and I could feel, another weird thing is I was wearing jeans at the time, but I could feel a long wool skirt sort of brushing against my leg as I was walking around. Like I was wearing clothes that I wasn't wearing. Interesting. Have you ever, is there more to that before we dive into and analyzing your story? Yeah, a little bit. Okay. More to, so anyway, there's just a little bit more as I walked around the house and I was looking for Miss Jeff and I walked to the top of the stairs to the second floor. And I stood at the top of the stairs and I just rested my hand in the banister and I could feel between my hand in the banister like a leather strap that I had been carrying.

And I said out loud, Miss Jeff. And at the end of the hallway, a door slammed shut. And that was the moment where I just sort of like became aware of what I was doing. And I went back downstairs. So were you actually holding a leather strap or you just felt as if you were holding a leather strap? No, I just, I had the sensation, but I wasn't actually holding anything. This is my question. Have you ever read any, have you ever read Missing Time by Bud Hopkins or anything by Whitley Stryber?

Yeah, Whitley Stryber. Yeah, because you know, it's pretty much identical to his story. He said that one of his many abduction episodes was that he was reading a magazine and basically it was like all of a sudden it was like an entire day later while he was reading the magazine. And basically he didn't know, basically he had made, I forgot who he was making. He was making food on the stove. And then when he came to, it's basically he was just reading a magazine and then all of a sudden he looked up and it was daylight and the food on the stove had completely congealed inside the pot. I had a very similar experience with a penthouse once, you know, took me a while. Have you ever had regressive hypnotism done?

I've not, no. Where did you come up with the name Miss Jiff? It just came into your head and you felt like that was right? Yeah, I mean, it wasn't, yeah, it was just something that I was, like it wasn't coming from my brain, which is hard to explain, even though it was like my head. No, it reminds me of the Philip K. Dick experience he had when he believed that he saw ancient Rome superimposed on top of our own times. Basically then started his series of visions where he was spoken to by an alien intelligence called Vallas that told him that, you know, the time isn't real. There's a lot that's kind of just a kick in. Your kids are going to be so confused. Dick crazy.

Dad, what time is it? Well, time isn't real, but according to the humor. But it's taco time! It's always taco time, but that's a brusque. Henry, you might be able to answer this. Do ghosts sometimes take over a person's, you know, life? It seems like she was like guided by a spirit here, right? Who was like reliving, you know, maybe she was an old housewife in this place and she's like, they changed my kitchen around and where's my goddamn child? It's quite possible. Yeah, that could have been a slave leash that you were holding in your hands. Possibly. Who knows what Miss Jiff was up to? My other question is, have you ever, have you had more experiences like this in the future? Like since then?

No, you know, I really, I haven't done anything. I mean, it's similar to like sleepwalking and I've never done anything like that. I've had sleep paralysis, but I've never had, nothing like that has ever happened before since. You may have taken a little sidestep into the twilight zone. Interesting. The twilight zone. Oh, I love that program. Do the kids, do the kids think that you were the best babysitter yet? Did they give you rave reviews? Well, especially because you disappeared for an hour and then they just started drinking all the booze. God knows what they were up to while you were over. Having a pizza party while you're walking around a wool skirt in an alternate dimension. Yeah, we played all kinds of wild crazy games.

No, they were fine. They were asleep the whole time. So they, Did you report this to the parents? And if so, do they have any sort of like a similar situation with them? Well, you know, it's weird as I didn't, I didn't say anything to them because it literally didn't occur to me that there was anything weird about it until like a couple weeks later. And I was talking to my friends about like spooky stories and I was like, you know what? That's a spooky story. I think it was possessed by a demon. Honestly, it's almost a stereotypical abduction scenario. And maybe if, you know, if you apply for Obamacare, you can go ahead and get, maybe have a mental health technician. Take a look at your brain, your brain dome and maybe take you back in the past with some hypnotism and see if you have any hidden memories. All right, I will do that. Yeah, do that and get back to us and let us know how your brain's doing.

I'll let you know. I'll give you guys an update. You're the best, Sarah. Thank you so much. That was very spooky. Hail yourself, Sarah. Thank you so much for listening. Don't see any ghosts in Chicago. But if you do take a picture of it and get that proof or I get the money. Okay, well, bye. Bye, Sarah. All right. All right, Henry, you're going to, you're going to read a viewer listener submitted story. This is one of our many creepy emails we receive. We love your creepy emails. No penises, not one, not a single penis, which is good, but no boobies. That's kind of sad either. So I guess if we're going to take one, we should also take the other. So I guess I look at your penis, but I also rather look at boobies. That's right. Well, we value all life equally here.

All right. So this is a first story from, I forget. We don't have his first name. It's S Otterstein. S Otterstein. Mr. Otterstein. Or is it Otterstein? I don't know. I'm Roman Catholic. That's right. And so I don't care. So this is the first story. I was home alone for a few days. I felt someone was in my room and I felt a cold hand holding mine. It was your grandmother. Oh, little Scotty Otterstein all over when you touch me. Just read the story. Don't make this guy out to be a pervert. Thinking it was a dream, I just squeezed right back. All of a sudden, I felt an electrical shock. I opened my eyes and looked at my alarm. 4.30 a.m. I tried moving, but I couldn't. So thinking it was a dream, I closed my eyes. I was still unable to move, so I continued trying to move.

I felt that shock again. Open my eyes. 4.40 a.m. It happened a third time at 4.50 a.m. I closed my eyes and just tried to shake my whole body, trying to move any body part. I moved my arm, then quickly my whole body. I'd work in an hour. I went to my basement to get my clothes out of the dryer. It was the middle of the summer, but the house felt cold. Very cold. My pet was no mirror to be seen, which I imagine was some sort of lizard. I agree with that, yeah. And that feeling I felt of someone there lingered throughout the whole house. There's a small window in my basement the size of a license plate. As I grabbed my stuff out of the drawer, I looked through the window. Suddenly, the feeling of someone being there and being washed reached its peak.

There's a set of black cat staring at me. I slowly grabbed my remaining clothes, closed the dryer. It kept staring at me. I don't know why, but I walked to the window and started smacking the window, thinking it would scare it away. It kept staring. It finally blinked and slowly walked away. I got dressed and drove off to work. I don't know what it was, but it was pretty freaky. That's a scary story, my friend. And here's another one. This other one, as he says, is really quick. Here's another one real quick. I'll let you guys decide if it's related or not. I opened my eyes and saw a deep, dark figure standing in front of me. My room is usually dark, slight light coming off the alarm clock, playstation light, etc. The figure was roughly four feet. I couldn't see any features like a face, body build or anything, just deep black.

I just remember thinking, who are you? I got an immediate headache and fell asleep. Later that night, I woke up with a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and I was facing the opposite direction when I was facing the dark figure. So, feeling that hand on my shoulder, I turned around, thinking, I heard, are you okay? And then there was the black figure again off to the side where it originally stood, was the figure that had its hand on my shoulder. A seven foot tall figure, instead of being really deep black, it was light, not bright, more of a white. And again, I can't make any physical details. I went to sit up slowly thinking that I was fine. Then they made for my window, then disappeared. I sat up in bed just staring, stayed up for a while longer, thinking about what had happened. Very interesting.

Again, very similar to Whitley Stryber's account of the aliens in his room. The tiny figures, you could have been Terry the Gnome. I'm just going to say Terry the Gnome. I'm going to fucking punch your balls. Sort of a Danny DeVito type. Yeah, I'm going to shut up. I'm going to put my gnome ass in your mouth. I like my gnome asshole. Yeah. Interesting, Terry the Gnome. Thank you so much. Terry being inappropriate. And then the white figure also reminds me of the tall whites that Whitley Stryber immediately believed that one dressed up as a 1920s gangster for him. So Mr. Otterstein could have been visited by the tall whites, by the alien.

Very much so. Maybe they were there to protect him. There's a lot more to this life. Indeed. All right. Well, thank you so much for submitting that story. And I think, why is the black cat so demonized amongst society? Is there an actual reason? I was thinking about this the other day. I saw a black cat and I'm like, oh, black cat. But I'm like, white? Who cares if it's a black cat? What's the mythology behind the black cat? I think it's straight racism. I think it is racism.

There's more of a hair kind of racism. Hairism. Yeah, all cats are pink on the inside. That's right. And kind of on the outside if you shave them. It's funny. It's not in the Great Britain black cats are seen as lucky. Well, everything's opposite over there. Yeah, that's the thing. They call trucks lorries, you know, the cakes for breakfast. They're ridiculous.

Yeah, the idea that black cats are evil comes from Germany, which as we know, there is a lot of which folklore that comes from Germany. I think that a lot of the black cat has to do with them. They believe that witches and sorcerers always had some sort of animal companion. A familiar. Yes, a familiar. And cats are normally viewed as that symbol, especially. I mean, that goes back to ancient Egypt. I just think there were a lot of like lonely women that people called witches that loved cats. And they're like, well, black cats, you must be a witch.

And in fact, when some people were caught with black cats, they would kill the person who had the black cat. That's extreme. That is a bit intense. But here is a funny little punishment for that one. As people killed so many cats during the Middle Ages, that enabled the spread of the black plague. Because the rats killed rats. There it is. And the rats spread the black plague.

Don't kill the cats unless you want the rats. Then you get the black plague. God, this is funny, old fella. That's great. They deserve the plague. All right, we got Aaron on the line. Aaron Hill, Satan, thanks for calling in. Thank you.

What's your say, Hail Satan? Hail Satan. Another quarter in the jar. There we go, for the devil. And guys, I went to Catholic school, so it's like... God, you have such a juicy soul. Big, thick, medium rare soul. Straight for the devil.

That is terrifying. I'm sorry. That is terrifying. I'm putting my shirt back on. I went to Catholic school as well. It just immediately flew off when you started doing that. That's bizarre. I went to Catholic school as well, so I understand your

sick and demented mind. All right, so your story is dealing with sleep paralysis? Yes, sleep paralysis. It's when your body and your mind are not on the same plane sleep-wise. Usually when it happens to me, it's when I'm going to sleep. I'm almost asleep. I can feel myself kind of descending with that heavy feeling.

And then your body falls asleep, but your mind is awake. So you're conscious, but you're paralyzed. You literally can't move at all. Okay. That's really intense. I do that, but I do it on purpose, and I do that to myself with weed. Yes, yes, yes.

All right, but you had one particularly dangerous experience? Yes, because you're asleep, you basically start to dream and you have hallucinations. And the first hallucination and the most vivid one I've ever had and the most frightening one is I was in bed. I suddenly couldn't move at all. I had this intense suffocating pressure in my chest, which

just felt like a giant weight. And I thought I was dead or dying. And then I looked in the corner of my bedroom and I saw a tall, thin man standing behind my door in the corner staring at me and smiling. Could you make out any other features other than the smile? Was it a full-figured man or was it more shadowy? It was very shadowy.

It basically just kind of like at that moment in the corner, it looked like a shadow with a face. Really interesting. Now, a lot of times, you know, when you say it's smiling too, did you see, would you feel like you saw a full like corporal smile or was it like you just knew what it was doing, like your brain was just finishing the equation for you? I think it was probably my brain finishing the equation

because he did not have distinct features. Like I couldn't tell the color of his eyes or anything. And who wouldn't be happy staring at you sleep, you know? It sounds like a wonderful thing to do. It's just so relaxing to do. And so when you saw this shadowy figure, you attempted to move, I assume? I thought somebody had broken in my house.

It was like, it felt that real. But I couldn't move. And that's when I put it together kind of in that way that you sort of can when you're asleep or you're like, is this some kind of dream or is it a ghost? Or like, I had no idea what was happening. And then he like, he crossed the room, flew in in the air and landed on my back.

On your back? On my back. So you were lying on your side at this time? I was lying on my stomach. Oh, okay. Yeah, I usually sleep on my stomach. And it landed, he's landed with like a thud on my back, knees digging into my rib cage.

I felt like physical pain and the pressure in my chest became even more intense. And then he started touching me all over and making me touch him. And I still couldn't move. Are you sure this wasn't like the landlord, right? In a scream outfit? I don't have a landlord. So yeah, I have like, my building is run by a corporation.

So maybe it was like the incarnated corporation. Because corporations are people now. Thank you Mitt Romney. Thank you. I'm not sure if you can do with it, but that's fine. Did this take place in Brooklyn? No, it took place in Manhattan. I live in Manhattan.

Let's scratch is Eddie Murphy from Vampire in Brooklyn off the list. Hello. How are you? How are you? So he's on your back and he's pawing away at you. How did you manage to get this entity off of you? Well, I basically just had to wait

because I couldn't move at all. And I just kept thinking to myself, okay, well, I don't know what's happening. And I was just terrified. All of this is with the benefit of hindsight. I'm sure at the time I was just screaming internally just because it was just so insane. Nothing like this had ever happened before.

And yeah, so I thought, am I going to be raped? Am I going to be like, what's going to happen? Right. And then I just took a huge breath of air, sat like, and just moved all at once. Like, I did a full body jerk and then he was gone and I was awake. Well, I'm reading your email right now.

There was one other detail, I think the most disturbing detail that you told us about. There was something that kind of sexually happened, someone? Yeah, yeah. He did touch me like between my legs. And yeah. And like, I didn't, it wasn't like having a sexy dream. It wasn't like I felt awesome about it.

No, it was not at all awesome. It just felt like when somebody touching you, like I could just feel a hand. Like I couldn't feel any pleasure or any stimulation, just like a hand there. So did you feel flesh touching you or did you just sort of feel like someone just had a wooden board smacking at you?

I felt flesh. I felt like, it felt like a person. And so have you had experiences like this since then? Not as intense, never like a physical person jumping on me, but I hear things like, just the other day, a few weeks ago, I felt somebody grab my throat and just, and squeeze me. You know, you probably should maybe start doing something

along the lines of like tarot or something like that, because you probably have some sort of like medium mystic skills. I was to a psychic and she said that I have like, she said I have past life memories that are very dark and then attract these dark spirits to me. So this is a haunting situation. Possibly.

Also, let's see, continue. Although these kinds of, what I find really fascinating about sleep paralysis is that there's a kind of universality, universality, to the hallucinations. If you read, like, because I did, I've done a bit of research about it, because the first thing that morning I was like, what the fuck was that?

Right, was Henry Zabrowski over here? She said a thin man. I know, it really ruined, because I mean honestly, you would have been delighted if you saw a little chubby shadow going, hey! Hello! And so, and like everybody, like, there's a lot of, everybody feels suffocating pressure in their chest.

Everybody feels something on their stomach or on their back, and several people have reported there being sexual stuff happening. I actually, because I've read a lot about sleep paralysis, it seems like there's a lot of sexual encounters that happen with these types of hauntings, and I really wonder what it is. I wonder if there was, if there's some sort of tie in

to how someone feels about sexuality, and when these episodes happen, and I also wonder if it's just sort of where the archetypal, like, incubus or succubus came from. And it's also just a sign of vulnerability to be touched sexually. And it's also an attacking force with the sleep paralysis. If you're a woman, you're being attacked by a man.

If you're a man, you're being attacked by a man. Very rarely do you have a man who has sleep paralysis that has these sexual feelings very rarely. Like, yeah, like a big titted, like, blond woman, like, from Planet Venus, and she's like, I'm here to drain you, Zabrowski. This is great. You know, and I'm like, oh, I'm being haunted.

Oh, no, oh, no. It's not like Dan Akroyd and Ghostbusters. It is a demon coming to rape a man in the ass. Like, I've seen this time and time again. Aaron, did you check to see if, like, the windows were closed and all those, and all those things, your door was closed. There's no way anyone was in your apartment.

No, there's, there, my door was locked. Nobody came in through the window. And it was literally like one second he was there and the next he was gone. My other question is, is I know we, because we talked, Aaron actually took the murderous sketch writing class and she does it in front of the pit and she's great.

She's super, she's super funny. My question to you is, I mean, we talked about how you've had a lot of vivid nightmares as well. Do you think that ever, did the thing that you saw match any imagery you've seen in your dreams? Honestly, like, he wasn't that, no, I'm going to say no, because I have seen, I've had, like,

dreams involving rape before, but never to such a vivid extent. And it was not like a recurring character or anything. Like, oh, hey, it's you again. Oh, it's Mr. Domino, the night rapist. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Domino is one of the nicest of all the night rapists. Yeah, exactly.

And it started to get personal. Is there a history of abuse or anything? No, not at all. All right. Awesome. Well, great story. Thank you so much, Aaron. That one really is terrifying.

And here, you're also a horror writer. Please plug away your source material. I currently have four stories out in four separate issues of Dark Moon Digest. Issues one, four, 12, and Dark Moon Digest presents ghosts. Awesome. And yeah, you can get them on Amazon. Awesome.

That's Dark Moon Digest. Check it out on Amazon. Thank you so much, Aaron. All right, thank you. Thank you. All right, have a good afternoon nap. I should say that. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. All right. Thank you, Aaron. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Yeah. All right.

Welcome to the show, Amy, everybody. Thank you so much for calling in, Amy. Oh, thanks for having me. Hail Satan. Inhale yourself. Hail Satan. Inhale myself. Yeah.

Hail Satan. God, I just feel, I feel like I'm growing more back hair every time I hear a Hail Satan. I believe that you probably are. God, I love it. I'm not sure if it is. I'm a human hedgehog. Yep.

You are slowly turning him into a beast, Amy. Thank you. All right. What's your story all about, Amy? Well, as we mentioned previously, I've been a comic for about 11 years and about a year after I had started a fellow comics brother was at our shows a lot and he was a photographer. Oh, yeah. And he mostly did boxing photography.

I'm in Phoenix and Vegas is so close that he spent most of his time working there. And he came to a lot of comedy shows and he volunteered to do all of our headshots. So he was a nice guy. He volunteered to do them for free. He volunteered to do them for free. He asked me out on a date and I said, no, because I didn't want any drama, you know, if it didn't go right or whatever. You just got to get these free headshots first thing.

That is what is matter. This is the best part of this story. Yeah. You could date any dude on the street. You know what I mean? You could date thousands of men, but free headshots are very rare. That's right. That's right.

Well, as a comic, you know that that stuff can be expensive. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. So you know, it's not like we get paid all of them that much and I was still new, you know, like maybe a year into it. So I was like, yeah, so he did our headshots. He asked me out and I said, no.

And then all of a sudden on the news we were hearing stories about in the Southwest Valley here in Phoenix, all these animals were getting shot like dogs and horses at farms. And then a couple of Wal-Mart's were set on fire and we actually had two serial killers. One started as a serial rapist, but it was like the summer of Sam up in here. Okay. And what summer? We had, gosh. According to my research, 2006 is when it all came to a head.

It all came to a head, but it started around 2004, 2005. We had the baseline killer who started as the baseline rapist. Okay. And then we had the serial shooters and the serial shooters were going around mostly on the East side and like Scottsdale and Tempe shooting random people like at bus stops and just random people walking down the street or riding bikes. Very zebra murders-esque. Yes.

Definitely DC sniper-esque. Yeah. That's for sure. And how many people... I wonder if they're all inspired by a DC sniper. That's a good question. How many people died during these random shootings? You know, I believe that I think it was seven died.

I'm not as good on the statistics probably as you guys are. But Phoenix was gripped with eight died. Eight died, 29 were injured. 29. So we're talking... Yeah. Wow. So Phoenix was terrified.

It was a crazy summer. Yeah. It was terrible. Like I was afraid to take my garbage out at night, you know, because we had these two crazy people. At first they thought it was the same person. All of this stuff. And then it was coming out that, okay, it's different.

I'm driving to work one morning, I'm listening to the radio. And all of a sudden they say Dale Hausner has been arrested for being one of the serial shooters. I just got chills and my nipples got hard. How did you know? Wow. Nipples got hard. How do you know who Dale was?

Dale was the photographer who was the brother of one of my fellow comics who did my head shots. Unbelievable. Oh my God. Well, what is it? Did he take it with a giant like rifle with a camera on the end of it? It's like, yeah, bam, yeah, yeah. These are beautiful.

They had some high, I don't know much about guns, but they had some pretty wicked guns. And immediately I sent a text to one of the other comics, I'm like, do we know this guy? He's like, yep. I mean, what are the chances of two Dale Hausners being in Mesa, Arizona? I got a chill. Like my whole body went cold and then I was like, oh my, I didn't know how to feel because this was a friend of mine who was very nice to me and he didn't shoot me. He did not shoot you.

You want his good side? He wanted to date you. Yeah. But I mean, she turned him down for the date. So Amy, you're very lucky that this man didn't take that extremely personally. Exactly. I mean, and I had a blog on my MySpace page, of course, MySpace is the old MySpace is gone. So the blog is gone.

But I was very torn because, you know, you had a valley of people, especially family members of the victims, hating this person. And, you know, I sent his brother, I knew the whole family. I sent his brother an email, hey, let your brother know I'm thinking of him. I didn't want to get too much into it, but I felt so terribly for the whole family. Well, I mean, this is, you are put in a very interesting position and this isn't, you know, Jeffrey Dahmer had a father, Jeffrey Dahmer had a couple of friends. I mean, it's a difficult, difficult place to be in because you know this guy as a good

person, he gave you free headshots. And next thing you know, he's murdering a bunch of people. It must be a very conflicting mental headspace to be in. It was terrible. It's like, um, I think it's on the Dahmer files. The black lady who lived in his house, give a sandwich to everyone. Oh yeah. I mean, what do you think?

I ate human meat. Yeah. I've been discussing this on stage recently and I'm fairly certain we can all agree. She ate penis sandwich, right? She ate Asian penis sandwich. Asian penis. She had soy sauce on it. Yeah.

It's a dong me. Ah, a dong me sandwich. I love that sandwich. Where can I find one? We've got to go to this random apartment in Milwaukee. If you could have just kissed that guy once, you would have stopped a lot of people from getting murdered. Do you blame yourself and should you?

You know what? A lot of people said, oh my God, it's your fault, but he actually had a breakdown. I think his daughter died. He started his, um, Sam, his roommate. They started doing meth, which is huge out here. Oh yeah. Right. Right.

I'm from upstate New York. We never had meth. Right. Here it's everywhere. So, um, he had a breakdown and. Oh yeah. No, it's not actually your fault. I can't, no, I would never take credit for that.

It would be cool every once in a while. I'll be like, yeah. And actually when I tell that joke on stage, I'll tell the story and they do end with, you know, I probably should have said yes to dinner. Yeah. Yeah. It might have saved a lot of lives. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, here's what this guy was charged with. He was charged with 87 crimes attributed to the investigation, including eight murders, 19 attempted murders, numerous aggravated assaults, striped by shootings, firearms charges, cruelty to animals, and arson. He was convicted of six murders and was sentenced to six death penalties. Whoa. And now is.

Incredible headshots, though, which he also was guilty for. He had a mandatory appeal, of course, as they have in Arizona and he didn't want those. He did not want them. And after his, uh, his first appeal, he waved off future ones and said that he requested to be put to death quote, as soon as possible. And on June 19th of this year, killed himself in his cell. He died. He was hoarding prescription medications like the antidepressants and I'm tearing up right

now thinking about it because I just, it's hard for me to see that side of him, but, um, he was hoarding the prescription medications and not taking them, you know, how they check under your tongue and everything. He somehow was hoarding them and overdosed on the medications the prison was giving him. He was going for one big hit. One big final. Yeah. He had already tried once, he had taken handfuls of Benadryl a few years ago.

Okay. Turned out just this whole thing killed their dad, of course, that the, um, a stress like he went through open heart surgery and never recovered. Is the brother still a comedian? Yes. Wow. I mean, you got to be, you have no choice anymore. Now, yeah.

I perform with the brother because the brother, um, his name is Randy, he has a joke that says, now my parents can't say, why can't you be more like your brother? That's a good point. That's a good point. Amy, how many times do you think your name has been scrawled on that prison wall of, uh, of Dale? Is it Dale? Uh, yeah.

That would be a Mr. Houseman. I'm going to pretend that it's not because I really don't think that he even thought of me after that. But when I had told you, I emailed the brother to say, Hey, let him know I'm thinking of him. He emailed me back a couple of weeks later and said, you know, I let Dale know that you were thinking about him. He said, hi.

And he always really liked you. And I'm like, delete. Yep. Yep. Delete. That's the deal breaker. Oh, that's the deal breaker. This guy felt, he felt pretty bad about it afterwards.

He said that he ruined the family name as people would hear Hauser's name and think of Charles Manson. See, I just think a doogie Hauser. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Doogie still got it, but Dale Hauser is close.

He did have a bit of a head on himself. He said that when you think of Manson 50 years from now, you'll think of Hausner. I don't know. I'm on the Wikipedia site right now because I'm reading exactly what you just said. Yeah. You know what? I don't know if people even really know about Hausner outside of here. Did you guys know it?

No, never heard of it before. No, never heard of it. And you'd think we, this is like you were saying, Ben, this is kind of the same type of thing as the zebra killings. Like, why don't we know? Why wasn't this national news when the DC sniper was such huge national news? I mean, I guess that had more to do with 9-11. That had a lot more to do with 9-11.

Yeah. Now it's like, I honestly feel like they tried to deflect as much attention as they can from random shootings that they can't just like, if they don't immediately catch the guy and have like a good, neat little thing to pin to him. It wasn't like the Gabby Gifford shooting where it's like, why not? It's nothing romantic about this one. No. Oh my God.

And Gabby Giffords, of course, is our hero here. But did you know about the baseline killer? Cause I'm just curious about outside of, you know, here where it was, it was news every day. Did you guys know about the baseline killer? No, no, really? Never knew about the baseline killer. I mean, which is, it's a great name and it's a fantastic name.

Well, that's cause we have a road called baseline road here. Oh, okay. Yeah. It sounds like a trans problem. So Amy, how has this affected your life? Are you more aware of random acts of violence that might possibly, you know, go after you? You know? I mean, just, I mean, are you more, you know, do you walk with a little bit more of a scared

step than you did before this? No, cause you know what? I'm a New Yorker and you guys know that we have to walk a certain way and people never mess with us. Nobody messes with me. I, I don't, I don't, I mean, honestly, they do the opposite. They ask you out on dates. It's like everybody else is getting killed in Phoenix and they all just want to bang

you. Yeah, exactly. Well, they all want to bang me anyway, but, um, it's, um, I don't really think about it because you can't live in fear cause then you let the terrorists win. That's right. Yeah. And we're not doing that. We're not doing that.

I mean, how many people can say they know a serial killer? It's an amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Thank you so much, Amy. And Amy, would you like to, as a comedian, I know we all like to plug something. Is there a website or something like that that people can go in and find a little more information on you? Well, actually, um, the comedy I do once in a while, but the movie I just made that I

told you about is called social media stole my kidney. Great. I love people to be more aware of that because it's live organ donation and that's what I'm all about. That is great. Absolutely. Social media to be an organ donor on my last driver's license renewal. Oh, everyone's going to want those.

That's going to be like, yeah, they're going to want your ruin, spleen and horrible. What's that? When I come to the city next year, what's that, Amy? Does that mean I got to blow you when you come? When I come to the city, you don't got to, you don't got to, but, you know, otherwise I might become a serial killer if you don't please, um, all right, social media stole my kidney. Check out that movie.

Thank you so much for calling, Amy. Thank you guys. Have a great day. You too. You as well. All right, Benjamin. Freak us out with another spooky internet tale. Oh yeah.

Patrick, you're the lucky listener that gets me to read it. Everyone loves that so much and I love this intro. Sometimes last podcast needs a hero and I tell you, our hero is Patrick Lorpey. There's Torpy. Patrick Torpy. There's no doubt about it. Yeah. I would say your Torpy is a better name than Lorpey.

Yeah. You win. You're fine. Yes. If you're ever upset with your last name being Torpy, just be like, at least it's not a Lorpey because that gives you a lazy eye and a limp immediately. First slide of Patrick's email. I'm here to answer the call.

Sadly I have no ghost stories to share with you, but I hope this possibly, possibly demonet story is up y'all's alley. I'm a 22 year old guy from Louisiana, Kentucky and I've experienced very little paranormal activity up to now. Well, I'm a solid guy who has always participated in sports. I have never been violent, never even thrown a punch. I am, however, a very potent sleepwalker. I'm the type of sleepwalker who can perform any task while sleeping.

Also sometimes I wake up in a terror and I'm convinced there is something in the corner of my dark room. So one night I had a dream that I viciously smashed my bedside IKEA lamp against the bed side table. It's nice to know he's a wealthy man. If there's one thing that I've noticed, one thread running through all of our listeners' emails, it is the presence of IKEA. Yes, yes, and by the way, I mean I would love to smash every IKEA lamp that I've ever seen.

I woke up remembering glimpses of a powerful rage and images of a broken lamp. Surprise, it lay next to me on my bed, completely destroyed. This happened again two weeks later when I broke my folding closet door out of its track. I remember doing it, but I was not in control and it was absolutely necessary in my dream world. So he had a dream where he had to break his cabinet and he did it, which is his dresser. Maybe the same thing happened when you shit the bed.

We're not talking about that story because it was an exaggeration and we're not talking about the poo poo gate anymore. Thank you. Who said we're not talking about it? I did. Because I had too many. Multiple listeners are just like, it's not true. I'm just going to say it's not true.

I do dream that I was sitting on a brownie. You know what? We're dealing with Patrick Torpy right now. Okay, he just broke his dresser. All right, this freaked me out a decent amount because I have a roommate and I would never want to break down his door and scare the shit out of him. That would scare the shit out of him. The next incident was the least destructive but the most telling.

I would read from a book every night before I went to bed but one night I dreamt of a great struggle involving the book. So upon waking, I checked it out. A stack of pages was lying next to the book on my desk but they were all still binded together. In my slumber, I had grabbed a large chunk of pages, about 200, from the book and with great strain ripped them from the rest of the book. The back, that's difficult to do, it's extremely difficult.

The back cover was still in place so when I opened the book to check it out, I noticed the last page remaining in the book, 6, 6, 6. Hail Satan! Yeah! I'm the best! I'm no expert in demons but this might be a sign and a key to the changes in my nocturnal activities. I'm slightly worried.

This is a real story. Thank you so much, Patrick. Fuck yeah! That's amazing. Absolutely page 666. 666. When I read my biography, it's going to have exactly 666 pages, 40 pages of dialogue and then 626 pages of silence.

Wow! That's exciting. Just pictures of my butt Xerox Oven, Oven. Oh, I love that, James. And you're going to pay money for it. I don't know if they will but we'll see. Our next caller, you, Andros, thank you so much for calling in, man. Absolutely.

I'm such an honor to be on the podcast, listening to about 12 hours a day. Oh hell yeah. That's great to have you. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. All right, dude. What's your story all about? Well, like Marcus, I'm Texan, and like Marcus, I had to get out of the state for quite a

while. So I lived in Japan for five years. Wow, awesome. And yeah, I was dating a girl, and... Because it seems like the Japanese women love American men, right? Oh, and I think the idea of most American men are what Texans are, you know, cowboy hats. We can really play it up. Indeed.

It works really well. You might need to spend some time there, man, day, uh, yeah. I'm excited. I'm always in the wrong place. Was there a... What was the reason you had to go to Japan for five years? I was an Asian studies major in college, so it just kind of worked out. Oh, okay.

Asian butt studies. That's good. Yeah. Of course. I guess I was an Asian studies major then also in college, if that's what it is. I think we've all studied a lot of Asians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fairly certain.

All right. So you're in Japan? I'm in Japan. I was dating a girl whose grandparents lived in Nagano prefecture, which is kind of... It's on the western side of Japan. So there's this thing in Japan called Obon, and it's basically like a Japanese Halloween. So it happens in August, and it's when all the families leave a big city and they return to their old hometowns, and they do a lot of stuff like they give offering to their

ancestors. And what are some of these offerings? You know, like they'll go to the graveyard and clean the family grave site. Okay. They typically do things, they'll like leave out food offerings and alcohol and stuff at the grave site. Okay. And they do a couple other things that I'll mention specifically during Obon.

So we were all sitting around the house one day. It was me, my girlfriend and her grandparents, and they basically said, like, motion to me to go put on my shoes, followed them out of the house, went down the road, went to what looks like an old graveyard, right? So the grandpa kind of approaches one of the graves there and starts praying in front of it. He goes on for a bit, and then he lights a bundle of flowers that he's had in his hand. I didn't notice it until then.

But so he lights the flowers and we start walking back. I'm not really that good at Japanese at this point, by the way, I'm not really sure what's going on. Right, right. So I'm just kind of following the, I'm just trying to follow the family to graveyard and coming back. So once we get home, it's like, it's just a normal, it's just a normal day. You know, we're having dinner, wash up, yeah, go ahead.

What was the mood at the gravesite? Was it something, was it happy or was it somber, was it? It was eerie. It was eerie. This is like way up in the mountains, there's not a lot of people that live there. A lot of the buildings are kind of dilapidated at this point. How many generations are buried in this place? Is it from a long time ago?

Yeah, it's pretty big. So some of the gravesites, like, you can't, you can't even see, like, what the names are anymore. You can't tell what year they died. It's all kind of been washed away by the rain and everything. Oh, wow. So you have this alien experience. It's a creepiest shit.

It's like hundreds of years old. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Wow, right. It's, it's, it's just way out in the country and people have lived there for a million years, but it's, it's almost abandoned. The only people that live in these towns now are just old people that, you know, aren't going anywhere.

Yeah. It's like Ames, Iowa. Yeah, something like that. All right. So you had an eerie cemetery experience and you're back at the house. You're eating dinner. Yeah. So we just have a normal dinner.

We wash out, go to bed. And anyway, so that, so that night I'm sleeping in what I think is the spare room, right? And I'm awoken in the middle of the night by something I can't see. It's pitch black. It is out in the country, right? And I couldn't move, but it felt like there were hands on my chest. They sort of, they started my chest and went up to my neck, going back down to my chest, to my neck.

And it's just like the sort of weird padding feeling. So I really didn't understand what was going on, but it was, it was obviously really freaky, right? Right. I remember thinking, cause all of a sudden I just woke it up. I remember thinking, man, if I just, if I just go back to sleep, it'll stop, right? So evidently that's what happened because I woke up the next day and I barely remembered it.

I didn't remember anything in the morning. It was only later that we were, again, it was obon, so we were like, we're doing Japanese stuff. We were visiting temples, you know, we were out in the forest and it, but it was obon season. So one of the temples had this like, this like dance performance going on. And this princess is, is trying to coax the spirit of the mountain out of its dwelling place. Right.

It's, it's kind of bizarre to describe, but you know, it's, it's basically just, just this dance. And she's sort of like, uh, you know, dancing around and, and bring it, and bring it. I just realized how weird this sounds. No, no, no, no, no. It sounds Japanese. It sounds Japanese. Yeah.

It's very, it's Japanese. Yes. That's the best way to describe it. It's perfect. So, okay. It, it puts me in this sort of metaphysical sort of mood and then I remember what happened that night before. So that's kind of what that's for.

The point of ritual is to, is to create the mental state that you'll be open to, to receive, I guess, gifts from spirits or ideas from spirits. That's like, so they did it well. Yeah. Sure. I could have been in it. I think, uh, at the time, remember, I really, I just didn't have any idea what was going on.

That's just what they explained to me is like, oh, there's a princess and so, you know, right. It's, yeah. Don't give the American the full story. He's going to rip off the thing and send it to fucking 30 rock. Yeah. Of course. Anyway, so tell my girlfriend about it and she goes white.

She whiffed or something to, to grandpa and he turns around and just, just kind of smiles at me and he says, um, so I know you didn't catch much of what was going on yesterday, but you know that Obon is the time when we Japanese, we, we honor our ancestors. So yesterday, the grave we went to was, was the grave of my mother. She hasn't been dead very long and I often feel her presence around me. You know, I love my mother and I always want to make her feel special. I make sure that, you know, every Obon, I, I say a prayer at her grave and I like the marigolds for her.

So I asked her, I asked him, oh, what, what are the marigolds for? So usually the last thing that we do for a bone is we celebrate a night together with our departed loved ones, but they're in the grave and no longer know the way home. So we like the marigolds so they can follow this trail of smoke back to our house. I think I say, wait, wait a minute, you think it was your mother last night in the spare room? Ooh, this is getting hot. And he, and he, he looked at me and he says, the spare room, that's, that's not the spare

room. That was her bedroom. Oh man. Wow. Did you feel like it was asleep next to her? Did you feel like it was a feminine presence when this, uh, entity was pawing all over you touching on your back and your neck? Yeah.

It wasn't a very, it wasn't a very strong feeling, but I mean, you can feel fingers, right? It wasn't. Right. Yeah. You can feel the fingers on my chest. So. Interesting.

That's amazing. Had anybody else experienced a similar thing, was that, uh, was that something that the grandfather had, um, you know, uh, heard of, uh, in the past regarding that room and his mother? I don't think, you know, the way that he was looking at me, I don't think it ever happened to him, but I don't think he was surprised. I mean, Japanese people really believe in this stuff, right? Well, I know there's, uh, you can marry a ghost.

You can marry a, you can marry a ghost. I was just like, oh, can everybody even happen to you? All I ever wanted is for it to happen to me, which is why I put the marigolds out to fry my parents. That's perfect. That's perfect. Now they're just like that. That's amazing.

That's amazing. So the, uh, the Japanese dude, like ancestors and ancestor worship is a gigantic part of their religion. Right. And, uh, so how much longer were you staying in that house, uh, in that bedroom for? I just stayed a couple more days. Did you experience anything else in those couple of days? Well, you know, it happened because I was, I was pretty freaked out about this.

I didn't write Marcus about this, but, uh, the next day I went with my girlfriend to, uh, the, the, just the, the Japanese people have like a family shrine, usually in the middle of their house. Uh, and I, I said a prayer and like rang, rang the little bell, uh, so that she wouldn't do that again. I said, Hey, I appreciate the gesture, but you scared the shit out of me. Yeah, you know what to go back to sleep. No offense.

I just need my rest right now. That's you handle, uh, you handle that perfectly with respect. I'm, I'm yeah. That's amazing. Well, all right. Well, thank you so much for calling in. Thank you so much and telling us that story, Andrews. Oh yeah, guys.

Hell Satan. Hell Satan. Hell Satan. We'll talk to you soon. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. All right. All right.

Welcome to the show. Uh, Thomas, everybody. Thomas is here all the way from beautiful Los Angeles. Hell Satan. Hell Satan. Yeah. Hell Satan. Thomas.

All right, man. What's your story all about? Well, um, this took place around 99 2000 at my old house, where was your old house at? Um, close by the current one at semi close to Los Angeles city. Okay. So Los Angeles city. So, um, my old house, it's, it was a small apartment, uh, two stories, um, the previous

owner was a woman who apparently died, uh, before we moved in there. Okay. So, um, was she an elderly woman or was it an unexpected death? Elderly woman. Okay. My favorite. Yeah. Love every night.

Um, I'd hear like, I, when I was a kid, I used to love the paranormal. So I was kind of hoping for something to happen when I heard there was a woman there dead before. That's my whole life. That tends to be the kiss of death though for actually getting haunted because I want to be haunted so damn bad and ghosts are too scared of me. So, um, one night I was sitting in the living room watching TV and then I'm just, I was wide awake.

The windows are completely closed. The doors are closed. There's no vents or anything. I'm watching TV and through the corner of my eye, we have this plastic, uh, tree sitting in the corner. All of a sudden it just starts shaking violently. Hmm. Hmm.

And I'm just, I, like double take, like, did I just see that? I can hear it clearly like the rustling and I just like curl up to a ball like, oh no, what's happening? I'm like, I wanted this to happen because I love ghosts and all that. This is the problem though is you don't always get what you want because in the end you want a ghost, but in the end what you really want is just friends. This is our problem. This is our problem when we want ghosts is that we mean is friends, but we say when we're

children is that we want ghosts. That's right. So this, uh, image of the sheet, uh, tree shaking, first of all, it was enough for you to look away from watching home improvement and, uh, and stare at it. And then you immediately curled up into a ball and you were just gripped with fear. Pretty much. I was like, what, what could that have been? I, I know the windows are closed.

If it was a cockroach or something had to be a pretty damn big cockroach. It wasn't. It wasn't one of those, it wasn't one of those fake trees that you put batteries in and things like take me to the river. Was it? No, no, no, no. It was a plastic tree. That was, that was about it.

And was this the only, and this was the only ghost activity you saw in that house? No. Um, another time I was in the restroom and to close the door, you kind of have to pop it shut, like pull it all the way till it snaps. I'm sitting in there and I just hear that sound and I'm like, I'm yelling, hold on, hold up, I'm all stout and then I'm finished. I walk out like, okay, come in and my mom just stares at me like, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry, what sound did you hear in the bathroom? The door had popped in and out. It was an old door. So you have to like pull it completely so it pops, snaps into the lock. Sure. So I hear that and I just walked out like, okay, mom, you can go in. She's just kind of looks at me like, what are you talking about? Right.

At least it wasn't the tree standing outside the door. That would have been, that would have been terrified. So you're here. Oh, get out of the bathroom. I've got to take a shower. You're a fake tree. I would understand if you were real. So you have two different incidents of paranormal activity going on in this house.

Yes. And when you explained what happened to your mother, had she experienced any of these sorts of activities? Not at all. And so she just kind of looked at you like you were crazy. Yes. She still thinks I'm crazy because she's like devout Catholic. So I'm, oh, there's nothing crazy about her, you know, she's a devout Catholic, you know,

she just believes it. Oh yeah. You just use Jesus's meat every single day. Yeah. Yeah. You don't think that ghost can exist. Well, that's a thing. Yeah.

I imagine that free try to great deal. Cause you probably think that you're consorting with the, the demon itself. Probably. She knows I'm into that kind of stuff too. Cause I would use to go outside with the video camera and record this guy looking for UFOs. That's great. That's awesome.

I used to do the same shit, but it was more like I just had a whole, uh, I remember my mom found my folder. I had full of clippings from the, uh, unabomber case. I had like all of these articles cut out from the unabomber happening and she was like, what is this? Henry Thomas. And I was like, research mother. Yeah.

Exactly. And I put my fucking phantom of the opera mask back on. Yeah. I think we all, Mark, is used totally. You had Ted Bundy's, uh, yeah, picture after he was electrocuted. Yeah. I had a copy of the weekly world news where they ran a picture of him right after he was executed and I cut it out and put it in my wall right next to my bed so I could say good

night to him. That's so great. I used to hoard weekly world news as I hoard my papers now, but, uh, yeah, that's great. Um, so these are two incidents in this house and, um, did you ever find out, uh, was there anything that, uh, that occurred in that house that, uh, that would have led to these things? Nothing at all. It just random occurrences. And then you, you've moved out of that apartment, right?

Right. So before, you know, your second place, uh, you were saying there's something happening there as well? Uh, that was my friend's house, my friend's grandmother's house. Your friend's grandmother's house. What happened there? So, um, the way he told me the, the origin of the story before is, is grandmother moved in there.

There was a man who would, um, perform satanic rituals in the, the, the living room. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That's what they say about my fucking house. They move into my house after I die. I think they're going to have to tear it down, Henry. The old owners, um, they would, uh, apparently the story was that he sacrificed dogs in the living room.

Wow. Say no one enjoyed that though. He showed me, um, you could see like old blood splatters in, in the wooden floor. So I kind of knew about it and he told me, uh, certain nights he'd see a large black figure, like pacing back and forth, um, um, there was a back of wooden patio. He could, he could just see this figure walking. That's so much fun. And what did he think the figure was?

Did he, uh, did he feel a presence with the figure? You just, uh, he just saw it. He thought it was the old man who lived there and they had old man who lived there previously who did the satanic rituals. He died. Yes. You know, uh, LA is rampant with, um, satanic activity. I remember I was, I was out hiking in, uh, what's it's putts over by, uh, Manson was,

right? Like where Manson was, there's a, there's several different places where you can go hiking when you go out there. Uh, I was talking, I think it was somewhere near Runyon. They were the, I was talking with a park ranger and he was saying, like, if you go through here at night or in the morning, sometimes they clean up debris and it's all satanic ritual. I mean, a lot of times it's, you know, it's just shit head teenagers, just like with

skulls, like fucking with incense, but every once in a while you'll, you'll get some good old school, like, you know, blood and bones and fucking pentagrams drawn into the sand and that fucking bruise. Definitely. Thomas, did you and your friend ever try to do a seance or anything like that? Try to conjure up the spirits of the house? I would have wanted to just see if anything would happen. I have a Ouija board, right?

I've never used it. Oh, you have to get on it. Yeah, I know. It's, it's somewhere in the back. Yeah. You gotta get, you have to like practice at it. I'm looking at mine right now. Yeah.

It is on the floor, um, with a bunch of feathers on it and then another picture that's drawn in blood. What is that? Yeah. That was a flyer I made for my band. Yeah. Very cool. It's very cool.

Well, you're always going to be healthier than, uh, Marcus Thomas. So that's good, right? You're right. That's awesome. Um, don't say it was so much confidence. All right, Thomas, well, thank you so much for calling in, man. Those are truly spooky stories. Thank you for having me.

Absolutely. Thank you, dude. Hail Satan, you. Hail yourself, buddy. Well, let's thank everyone who called in. You guys are awesome. We had some great stories today. Uh, the, the, I'm going to say again, this last story that we're about to hear is my

favorite email we've ever received here at last podcast and, uh, it'll be read by Mr. Marcus Parks. And I say Mr. Marcus Parks because that's how the man addressed it. And I will say a little too much respect and I don't like, I don't like it one bit. Uh, this is another reminder. We have our next live show, October 26th here at the creek in the cave. That's right. 10 PM.

10 PM. It's not free unless you bring nugs and then you get a kiss from me. Oh, well, that's going to really, oh, I bite, I bite and I kiss. There'll be no weed at the show then. Thank you. Thank you so much. October 26th, 10 PM here at the creek at the cave. It's always a wonderful experience.

All right, Marcus, let's read the final story of the day. All right. The subject line to this is secret things. Mr. Parks, first, let me say that you shouldn't try to email back to this account. I'll be deleting it shortly after I finish this message. Right now, I'm writing this in my car outside some person's house and leaching off their Wi-Fi so I can't be tracked back to this. Normally, I'm not someone to get very cloak and dagger, but what I'm going to tell you

has me worried that I'll disappear if I'm tracked. With that warning, I'm hoping that you can help get the word out about this. Five years ago, I was enlisted in the U.S. Army after some bad decisions, nothing illegal or anything in my life. I've never been perfect, but the Army offered me a shot at a new life. After four years, I had made... Sounds like he did something illegal. Sounds like he did something illegal.

It does sound like he does. Yes, he does. After four years, I had made good and signed on for reenlistment, and we shipped out to Fort Bliss. No offense, but I was never a big fan of Texas, and it's fine. But you don't get much of a choice on where you go. As you may know, Fort Bliss is right next to the White Sands missile range. What ended up happening is that I wasn't working at Fort Bliss, but rather living there with

a falsified garrison job at the base commander's office, when in actuality, I went to White Sands every working day for a 10-hour shift. To get to my area that I worked, we didn't take a normal road. Rather, we had to use a GPS unit to find a specific set of coordinates, since there were no roads to speak of where, leading to where I worked. The coordinates were around 33.0032 and negative 106.5426. This led to a small metal door, like the one that you might find that leads to a basement. Once in, the door opened to a cavernous system of tunnels that I had to use a bike in to

get to my area of work. Really interesting, also when they say, the way they describe adults say, the research facility, same thing, a full, long, an S4, what is it technically, what area 51 is called? These tunnels all went continuously down, so getting to the site was never an issue, but on the way back, it really sucked. This was done partly on purpose, I'm guessing. For reasons that will become apparent at the end of the story, they didn't want anyone to have access easy ways out.

My shift was a half mile down the tunnel and then left, around 200 feet down, and then my area was on the right. Once there, I did my normal sign in on the wall outside and stood guard outside the door. That's really all I ever did for the job. I was never told what I was guarding. It seemed like normal, if secret operation. I kept my mouth shut and did as I was told. Everything was normal for the first couple weeks, but then I started hearing the noises

from inside the room. I normally heard the sounds of electricity coming from the room, that low hum that you hear near transformers. Sometimes it was enough to put my hair on end. I just figured it was an electrical workstation or something like that. What I started to notice was voices in the electrical hum. I brushed it off at first because I was standing in a tunnel underground all alone for hours on end.

I thought I might have been hallucinating, but they got clearer with each passing day. Two weeks in, I got orders that I had an overnight shift. I got to my station and set up for the 24 hour. The days seemed to progress fine, but at 10pm, I started to notice the voices in the electricity again and the lights started to flicker on and off, which scared the shit out of me. There was a scream from inside the room and all the lights for 50 feet burst. That's when I heard something. I don't have any good way to describe it, but it sounded like a wet static noise, if

that makes any sense. I debated for a few moments on going into the room. All I had was a small flashlight that was standard issue and everything seemed dark. I decided to open the door to make sure everything was okay. Once inside, I pointed my light around for signs of life. It looked like a lab with a bunch of computers hooked up to the ground. Huge wires all led from giant boxes into the ground from the room. There didn't seem to be anyone around, but there was another door that had a wheel on

it, like you might find on a ship. It was slightly open and there seemed to be a bit of light coming out of there. Inside the room was a grate on the floor that was emanating the light. I looked down inside and could make out what looked like six glowing water tanks. Each looked to have a glass cover over it and I could see glass on the near one of the center ones and liquid all over the ground. That's when I saw something move. I couldn't tell what the hell it was.

It moved by way too quickly and it seemed blurry. After I saw it, my head started pounding and I got a nosebleed. I felt like I had a chainsaw burrowing into my skull. I ran out and closed the door with the wheel on it and got the hell out of the lab area. Once I got on my bike, I high-tailed it out of there. It wasn't until I reached the night sky that my head stopped hurting. Other troops were already there and I was quickly taken away on a stretcher while multiple troops began their descent into the tunnel.

After a week at the hospital, I was told that I was going to be honorably discharged from medical issues. I also had to sign my life away to not talk about what I saw. Considering I really didn't know, I agreed. I just wanted the hell away. Around six months later, I started having seizures. The doctors told me there was something off with the way the synapses were firing. I think whatever it was, it got in my head and left some damage and some residual thoughts.

Some days, I dream of being in a water tank with wires hooked up to all parts of my body. I can't move and I can feel power surging through my body. I get these dreams more often than not nowadays. Honestly, I wanted to let someone know what's going on, even if it's meaningless. If I don't get found out for sending this, I'm probably going to die soon from everything going on with my head. Again, please don't try to contact me back. It won't work.

That is one of the best stories I have ever heard in my life. You're just making up one of these. Yeah. Thank you so much for submitting that story and please, I hope you stay alive for longer than you expect. I live to tell your story, we're going to spread it to our small population here. There's, of course, a lot of things going on that we don't know about with our government. And they're taking a week off.

Yeah. Fascinating. I want to hear those coordinates again. Maybe if a fan wants to do a little research and figure out where the hell this thing actually is. Yeah. You guys, we have the best listeners on the Facebook. They're amazing.

And thank you again, everyone who called in and everyone who submitted stories and we'll do this again and I hope to, we hope to hear from more of you people, from more of you people. What do you mean, you people? Last podcast on the left. And now, yeah, another week off of our checklist on our way to the rebirth of our savior. That's right. That's right.

When we summon the devil, our Lord and Savior, Satan. All right. Well, thank you guys so much. We will talk to you soon. Hail Satan. Hail Satan, hail me. Hail you. Hail yourselves.

And again, October 26, Creek in the Cave, 10 p.m.