Last Podcast On The Left - Patreon Sampler: His Master's Voice

Episode Date: February 17, 2018

Before we get to the next Last Podcast subject, we're going to let you further digest the Jonestown series. And so this week we're giving you a sampler of the kind of bonus content you can find on our Patreon feed! In this installment, Ben reads some bone-chilling Creepypastas and the Son of Sam gives you some indispensable lifehacks. We'll be back next week with another classic episode of Last Podcast on the Left! Hail yourselves! Want more Patreon content? Unlock episodes on patreon.com/lastpodcastonthe

Hey, what's up everyone, how you doing? Ben Kissel here. We have a special week. We're taking a small break for Marcus Park's mental sanity on account of the Jonestown episodes were crazy and long and thank you all for the awesome response. I know the research was heavy and Marcus had sweat on his brow for multiple, multiple weeks siphoning through all of that madness. So this week we're going to give you a little bit of a bonus or a little bit of a teaser

of what you would get if you subscribed to our Patreon. So I'm going to read some creepypastas, be horrible at it. And also we have a bonus episode or a free episode as always free I suppose, but an episode of page seven, we're going to drop that right here in the last podcast feed. Similarly, to what we did with the Abel against Toppat, thank you all so much for supporting that show and thank you all so much for supporting all the shows here on LPN. So if you want to check out page seven, it's a celebrity gossip show with Jackie Zabrowski, Holly Neville, and of course the handsome boy himself, Marcus Parks.

If you don't want to check it out, don't check it out. It's all good. So all right, I will begin the creepypasta experience. I hope you're stoned. I wish Henry was here to tell you to roll up a hog's leg or something like that. But nonetheless, I hope you're with friends and not too alone because certainly this will get creepy. All right, this one's called The Smiling Man, so he's very happy.

The story begins. About five years ago, I lived downtown in a major city in the U.S. Oh my, maybe Cleveland. I've always been a night person, so I would often find myself bored after my roommate who was decidedly not a night person went to sleep. To pass the time, I used to go for long walks and spend the time thinking, well, isn't that fun? I spent four years like that walking alone at night and never once had had a reason to

feel afraid. He spent four years like, yeah, it's a smiling man, spent four years like that walking alone at night and never once had a reason to feel afraid. I always used to joke with my roommate that even the drug dealers in the city were polite. That's kind of a fun joke. But all of that changed in just a few minutes of one evening. It was a Wednesday, somewhere between 1 and 2 in the morning, and I was walking near a police patrolled park quite a ways from my apartment.

It was a quiet night, and even for a weeknight, with very little traffic and almost no one on foot. The park, as it was most nights, was completely empty. I turned down a short side street in order to loop back to my apartment when I first noticed him. Uh-oh. Is love in the air? Alright.

At the far end of the street on my side was the silhouette of a man dancing. It was a strange dance, similar to a waltz. But he finished each box with an odd forward stride. I guess you could say he was dance walking? Headed straight for me. Decidedly, he was probably drunk. I stepped as close as I could to the road to give him the majority of the sidewalk to pass me by.

The closer he got, the more I realized how gracefully he was moving. He was very tall and lanky, and wearing an old suit. He danced closer still until I could make out his face. His eyes were open wide and wild, head tilted back slightly, looking off at the sky. His mouth was formed in a painfully wide cartoon of a smile. Between the eyes and the smile, I decided to cross the street before he danced any closer. I took my eyes off him to cross the empty street. As I reached the other side, I glanced back and then stopped dead in my tracks.

Uh oh, oh my goodness. He had stopped dancing and was standing with one foot in the street, perfectly parallel to me. He was facing me but still looking skyward, smile still wide on his lips. I was completely and utterly unnerved by this. I started walking again, but kept my eyes on the man. He didn't move. Once I had put about a half a block between us, I turned away from him for a moment to

walk to watch the sidewalk in front of me. The street and the sidewalk ahead of me were completely empty. Still unnerved, I looked back to where he had been standing to find him gone. He's gone. For the briefest of moments, I felt relieved until I noticed him. He had crossed the street and was now slightly crouched down. I couldn't tell for sure due to the distance and the shadows, but I was certain he was facing me.

I had looked away from him for no more than ten seconds, so it was clear that he had moved fast, kind of a fast walker. I was so shocked that I stood there for some time staring at him, and then he started moving toward me again. He took giant, exaggerated tiptoed steps as if he were a cartoon character sneaking up on someone, except he was moving very, very quickly. I'd like to say at this point I ran away or pulled out my pepper spray or my cell phone or anything at all, but I didn't.

I just stood there completely frozen as the smiling man crept toward me. And then he stopped again, about a car length away from me, still smiling his smile, still looking at the sky. When I finally found my voice, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. What I meant to ask was, what do you want? What do you want? In an angry commanding tone, what do you want? What came out was a whimper.

Whaaaaat? Like a whimper sound, like a whaaaaat? Whaaaaat? Regardless of whether or not humans can smell fear, they can certainly hear it. I heard it in my own voice, and that only made me more afraid, but he didn't react to it at all. He just stood there, smiling. And then, after what felt like forever, he turned around very slowly and started dancing,

walking away. Just like that, not wanting to turn my back to him again, I just watched him go until he was far enough away to almost be out of sight. And then I realized something. He wasn't moving away anymore, nor was he dancing. I watched in horror as the distant shape of him grew larger and larger. He was coming back my way, and this time, he was running. I ran too.

I ran until I was off the side street and back onto a better lit road with sparse traffic. Even behind me, then, he was nowhere to be found. The rest of the way home, I kept glancing over my shoulder, always expecting to see his stupid smile, but he was never there. I lived in that city for six months after that night, and I never went out for another walk. There was something about his face that always haunted me. He didn't look drunk, he didn't look high.

He looked completely and utterly insane. And that's a very, very scary thing to see. Well isn't that good? It's about mental health. And that is something we have to talk about in our society today. I went to the therapist yesterday, I'm going to get on well butron, so don't worry about me if you're walking at night. The smiling man.

Okay, scary stuff there. That was creepy. Alright it's time for another creepypasta. This one's called what you see. What you see. Okay, it's going to start now. Daddy smoked, coughed and sputtered until he spat his heart out. It hit the floor in a mess of black blood that looked like ink.

He said, this cough will never leave me. I told him it would take him away and he got mad, lips all curled up and eyes narrowed while he shoved another cigarette in his mouth. After that day, I kept my comments to myself, didn't say a word when mum started walking around with a metal rod jutting out of her. What is happening? Never spoke about the lump of cells on the back of my cat's neck. You should talk about it.

When people in the streets walked past leaking from bullet wounds or with glass shards through their clothes, I kept my eyes on the ground and thoughts to myself. Figure that was the best way to deal with it. I didn't ask to be cursed, didn't make sense that I do it, didn't make sense that I do it to anyone else and so I tried to live and be normal. I met a girl that was perfect. One that could make my heart beat a little faster, with her smile and who had me thinking about her all day.

People like her were rare, the undamaged kind. I did everything I could to make it work and make it work I did. We moved in together, worked out together, shared our feelings and went on extensive trips overseas. One night in Paris I bent the knee, she said yes. Soon after we had the best wedding a couple could ask for. If she was my valentine then I would forever be her valentino. I loved her, truly loved her and when I woke up each morning I didn't have to worry about

getting her sick. She would live naturally and I would be by her side. A year after we eloped we had a little Amy, a girl just as perfect as her mother. When Amy turned five she showed promise far beyond any other child I met. She understood feelings and needs and she would never throw tantrums or argue back. Most people commented on how we'd raised such a lovely child. I decided that if there was anyone I should be honest with it was my daughter and so one day I decided to tell her about my power.

I said Amy do you know, do you want to know daddy's secret, secret Amy's face lit up and she dropped her toys. Daddy has a talent I said, Amy sat by my feet her eyes wide, talent like a superpower? Amy nodded. When I look at you and mommy I see you safe and healthy but for other people I can see when they're hurt or sad even before it happens. Amy frowned. You see bad people, not bad people, people that have bad things happen to them.

Amy's eyes went wide and her face hardened with understanding. You mean like the thing pointing out of daddy's chest. Holy hell, he's got a thing coming through his chest, he's dead, wow, wow as a, she sees it, wow. Well isn't that, that's a parable for parenting, a lot of people think your parents are dead. Alright, well that was scary, alright, the name of this creepypasta is I'm going to murder my husband, well that is a mean thing to do, I'm going to murder my husband, okay the creepypasta begins now, I'm going to murder my husband.

It's not what you think, not even close, it has nothing to do with hatred and absolutely everything to do with mercy, oh my goodness, that reminds me of a great documentary I saw called Gleason, all about a man dealing with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, one of the worst, oh jeez. It's not what you think, not even close, it has nothing to do with hatred and absolutely everything to do with mercy. I just can't bear it anymore, we used to be so happy, you know that perfect moment when you see that somebody that you know you'll love that person forever.

Something just clicks in you, every day when he'd come home from work was the same, we'd ask each other how each other's days was, eat dinner together and just relax in each other's arms afterwards. I loved our long walks at night, but nothing pleased me more than those lazy days when we would just basket each other's company, that's gross, basketting each other's company like that, because when you're truly in love with someone, that's really all you need. Except that's not how it works, love doesn't last, or common decency for that matter, do you know what he did, do you know what the former love of my life did to me, he went

out and actually introduced me to her, alright it's over, you don't love me anymore, fine I get that, but what kind of sadist wants you to be friends with the one who ruined your life, was it all some kind of sick game, did he ever really love me, look I understand I'm not really his wife, but what does that even mean, I've never really understood these kind of labels, love is love right, I guess I'm just nothing to him now, if I was ever anything at all, so this is the horrible reality that I've been dealt, I just want the pain to end and then everything will be okay, I know it, so I wait with baited breath for my former love to get back and get this over with, suddenly the front door opens, Ethan

you home yet baby, the interloper, the interloper yells out, I like interloper, well okay, the interloper yells out, suddenly my body twitches, my fur stands up and my tail stands on end, I can't help, I can't help but reconsider, even better, I think buried all my teeth, it's a dog, oh my god, you know I like that, it's a dog, wow, well you can trust him, don't worry about it, that's cute, that's fun, see I read these stories right along there with you folks and wow, some people are saying it's a monkey but I think it's a dog, I mean come on let's be honest here, so that's a man's best friend, but I guess they get a little jealous too, and best friends get jealous too, so yeah that makes sense, oh my, alright

the name of this story is, it started as a leak, so it began just kind of as a leak there, the story begins, the rainy season began in early summer and June had been no exception, it did not surprise the man when he discovered rainwater dripping from his dining room ceiling, shrugging it off, he placed a tall pot beneath the leak and expected it to stop on its own, however it continued to rain and before he knew it, the pot would threaten to overflow, I'm gonna overflow, and he had to dump the water out first thing in the morning and straight after he returned home from work, eventually he began to notice water damage at the source of the leak, the white ceiling had discolored turning a dull shade of brown, he checked

the weather and realized that it would continue to rain sporadically over the next 10 days, the man was worried about the ceiling mildewing and becoming an expensive repair, so he called a local handyman, unfortunately the man could not sign to have the repairs done, only his landlord could, it was a frustrating policy, the man called his landlord but could not reach him, he left him a few voicemails detailing how the damage was becoming progressively worse, the man was clueless as to why his landlord would not return his calls, they usually kept in touch speaking at least twice a month, finally he reasoned that he would not be able to, that he would not be held accountable for any damages sustained, well

that's good, tenant rights ladies and gentlemen, don't forget you got him, one night the man was startled awake by a massive thump, he quickly turned on his bedside lamp and just vaguely he could see an overturned table and a large shape laying across it, he sprinted out of his apartment and called the police, gagging at the smell, the man sat in the police station with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a coffee mug resting in his hands, he did know one thing, there had been a dead body in his ceiling and the water had saturated it so badly that it caved under the weight, so far the body was unidentifiable due to the rainwater and was being autopsied, so far the body was unidentifiable due to the

rainwater and was being autopsied, well the man waited, he called his landlord and finally reached him, panicking as he explained the situation, his landlord was just as alarmed, the man pleaded for him to come to the station while he made his statement, the man paused as a detective crossed over him and he lowered his phone wondering if the body had been identified, his blood ran immediately cold and he shook his head with terror, the body belonged to Richard Thompson, his landlord and he had died over a year ago, that's what disturbed him the most, if his landlord was dead then who was pretending to be him, pretending to be a landlord huh, well that's a crime, worse than pretending to be a cop, alright so his

landlord was up there, kind of dripping on him, it started as a leak and ended as a landlord. Hello there, how you there listeners, oh praise be to God that I'm alive and I'm feeling well today and that you're listening, hello welcome back to David Berkowitz's corner, son of Sam here just joined himself in the feeling the cool breeze in the tiny six inch by six inch window that I'm allowed to look outside of and oh is it nice, a butterfly came by the other day and oh it scared me because it had eyes on the back of it and like it was slugging at me, like it was staring at me like it knows what I did and I'll tell you, I'll tell you that butterfly, only God can touch me butterfly, you want me to come

out of there with your goddamn bucket, with a goddamn pot and paint I'll smash you, I'll tell you anyway, butterfly pancake and even that's kind of funny, just thinking about it oh, just imagine a pancake in the shape of a butterfly, wouldn't that just be adorable, it's something you get in park slope at the brunch, my thing about brunch is that I hate waiting for food, in the morning the last thing I want to do is go sit with a bunch of shmaggaggies just sitting there being like oh I hope they don't run out of biscuits in time because this is one of those restaurants where everybody runs out of biscuits because like oh they make it fresh and some hipster girl with armpit hairs back there making

it oh she's getting the hairs in there, I hate seeing that, oh man, I don't get much brunch anymore though, now we get kind of a cold gruel but I'll tell you what, I'll go back for seconds because I got a reputation to keep up and I got the mansion, oh God, they called me the Jewish shanthe in here, which is, I find it to be ironic because you just think that the real shanthe, he's not as cheap as the Jewish shanthe would be, get out of here, get out of here with these jokes they tell me David, but now by the grace of God himself I'm alive because as you know I was put in the hospital there for a little bit and oh God was I worried because it was like judgment day is coming and I know now

that my soul is clear, I know that I have made peace with our Lord and Christ Jesus Christ, oh I love you Jesus, you've never been nothing but good to me, big ups to you Jesus Christ, but I'm worried for everybody else because I know that there's people, even people in a jail here that have not received the wonderful word of Jesus Christ himself and then they're going to go down there oh with the horns, they're going down the hell with all the, oh the demons and they're laughing sticking at you with the big forks and they're going oh oh oh oh oh and you're sitting there and you got, you got your feet over a bunch of holes and you have to go oh oh oh oh oh oh and the prince is there because of his sexuality,

that's why he's down in hell for me, I'll be up in heaven with me and oh glorious glorious glorious Abe Vagoda, me and him together, I, I, he was such a good actor and it's Shonda that he never received an Oscar for, for Looslip Goon and all 25 movies that he was in, but again dodged a bullet, I, I just want to say, I mean, you know, which is sad because many people I've met, they're not dodge bullets, that's a funny joke, my roommate's laughing, isn't he laughing, quit touching me, quit touching me, you make me gay, I want good to go to heaven, okay, now you know I was reading about this thing, but first of all, today's coming out, this episode of the David Berkowitz's Corner's coming out on a very solemn day, Jennifer

Aniston broke up with her boyfriend Justin Thoreau, oh, when will she find love, I worry about her because, I mean, there's only so much a millionaire with perfect breasts and a wonderful face and just covered with stem cells, I mean, what else could go wrong for her, she was almost on Saturday Night Live, did you know that, oh, that's good, they only asked the most talented audition and she went and then she chose Friends, which I honestly think it's nice that she chose Friends over just being all in the limelight, she chose a nice independent little television show that she could be on and everyone's rooting for her because she's out there doing what the altours do, she's out there just being

like, just slumming it and I'm so proud of her with the big perky breasts, there's no way she'll ever find somebody else, she's so disgusting, she was so lucky to be with Justin Thoreau, she doesn't understand, me, when I see a woman, when I look at a woman, I look like a woman who looked like she could carry a bag of rocks up a hill, I want a woman who looks like if you hit her with a tsunami wave, she wouldn't fall over big round ankles, I want a woman with a size 11 shoe with hair on the top of her feet, like, oh, like my mother, oh, if only it didn't give me up, mother, then things wouldn't be like it was today, but you know what, in the end, I thank her because it wasn't for the crimes I did

and the jail time I served, I wouldn't have found the delicious, beautiful light of Jesus Christ, oh, thank you Hail Mary, oh, Father, oh, Bigity Bo, love it, nothing but fun, nothing but laughs, but I feel bad for Jennifer because she's no Courtney Cox, that's a talent, I love Courtney Cox, she was just so funny with the snarkiness and she was just all like, oh, I'm a neat freak, and then Ross was, oh, I'm a grumbly, I'm a neat freak, I think, I was Ross a neat freak, I don't know, my roommate's just, he's shitting right now, so I'm not supposed to be looking at him, he's beautiful in that dress, this is just gotta be, what a tragedy, and there's so many tragedies going on right now, you know they canceled this

jointed, so many tragedies happening, I saw it on my, I saw it on my yahoo nose, and then all of a sudden, oh, God, you mean to tell me that we can't, we can't see Justin Thoreau and Jennifer Aniston in any more of the big events, I loved him in his suits, I loved Jennifer Aniston, oh, you can see them nipples have the time to reassure it, it's so nice to see, it's just nice to see the woman's alive, that's what I like most, is that when your woman's nipples are hard through a shirt, you know that she's doing her life, she's doing good, oh, God, I gotta say though, it's hot in here because being without a woman in jail has just been a shanda, I am sick of it, I'm so horny the other day, I stuck

my dick in an orange and I said thank you ma'am, oh, I'm working on a tight five, I was written, someone did a breakdown in the recent interview if I did, if you hadn't watched go look at it, it's an ABC, it's sort of same recent interview, I looked great, but when they people see a people magazine, oh, God, what he still wrote about me, it's what people magazines said about me and it just makes me go ho, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, he is a gnome looking bald chubby guy with cheeks and he comes bouncing out to meet ya, he is quite different from the sullen son of Sam from the seventies, yeah, yeah, of course I am, you know what I mean, I'm twenty pounds thicker, I got that prison muscle because all I gotta

do is just always runnin' and hidin' because people say I look like an ortherv and they just wanna stick a stick at me, I don't like it, because anyone of these sort of behaviors is gonna be the kind of thing that keeps me going from oh, oh, glorious heaven, oh, heaven is not a place on earth according to, not like that song, it's a lie, that song is a lie because it's not a place on earth, so what I thought we'd do today is that normally, oh, God, you know I like to go through like various sundries, I like reading articles and kinda talkin' about rendition about what's kinda happenin' in the news, rendition about things that will help your lifestyle brains, but what I would do, if you heard about this

thing called Life Hacks, it's like, you know when you get heckin' into the mainframe, it's like in those old movies, that movie with Angelina Jolie, oh, she gets some puppies on her, and Angelina Jolie would click and click and click and she's like, we're in the mainframe, and everyone's just like, oh, we surfin' the web, and I've never actually, I've only been allowed to search the web in little bits in time, when I get time in the library, but it's nice that just to hear about it, that there are whole websites developed to Life Hacks, now Life Hacks are these things that are, it's not somebody like, what's his name, who's the guy from Seinfeld, hey, tell me, what's the guy from Seinfeld, the bad

standup, oh, Seinfeld was funny, he was a bad standup, what was his name, I'm gonna look it up right now, bad standup, bad standup Seinfeld, bad standup Seinfeld, BANYA, it's there, BANYA, it reminds me of BANYA, so, Life Hacks, that's a BANYA, but if you think about this, we all struggle, right, every day of life is an endless climb up a mountain that only gets bigger and bigger, so what I have here is a bunch of wonderful little Life Hacks that are just, you take them and you use them, and these are for free, this is for free, don't even worry about this, okay, look at this, Valentine's Day, Valentine's date night, a day early and you can skip the lines for the restaurants, I know that now

it's too late, so oh god, I'm sorry about that, I should have done this back in the day, but that's what you gotta do, oh look at this, okay, there's a couple other ones, when you pay in cash and get changed, wrap the coins in the receipt so they don't rattle around losing your pockets and you can easily retrieve it later, this is the kind of thing that what it does, is it makes your life a little bit easier, a little bit at a time, and that's free, that's a free little thing, okay, here we go, look at this, oh, someone stitched clothes, the outside, the outside rubber and the phone charger, the outside rubber and the phone chargers start falling apart, right, and I've seen that, oh god,

when you watch it like, oh, do I look like, what kind of shmigagi do I look like here at the cafe, when I got all my busted up phone chargers and everybody staring at me, what are you poor, you some kind of poor, and I'm like, you know, I keep my money in real estate, that's what I always say, you always say that, it's a good way to get out of it, what we got here is the rubber coating on your phone charger, a good way to fix it so people don't ruin your reputation outside, is you can stitch your clothes with some thread, now that's easy, what's nice about that life hack is that it only takes about 25 minutes to do a thing that you could do for three seconds with some tape, and it's nice to see your

work being put into something, because that's what it is with this, like, oh god, it's like how long are we gonna be sitting, how long are we gonna be sitting here knitting, you maybe could have avoided walking out in the street getting hit by a truck, it could be like the show sliding doors, which we've covered and we've talked about many many times, many many times, so okay, here we go, here's another thing, prevent the roll of tape from closing, oh there's nothing that makes me more, oh, oh, oh, you know when you're trying to tape like, like you got a squealing little girl, and she's in the back of your car and you're like shut up, shut up, shut up, and you're trying to get the tape around her mouth and

she's screaming like, ah, be kidnapped, be kidnapped, a good way to prevent yourself from delaying her screaming and being heard by the neighbors and then you being called by the police and then they find your whole murder kit, and the back of your car, look at it do, punty, pretty boy, you can prevent the roll of tape from closing by taking a breadtap, like you got at the end of the bread, it's like, oh, back in the day they used to deliver it to our house, and you go and you get the breadtaps and what keeps them, the plastic bag closed, and you can put it on the tape, you never lose it, this is easy, this is one, two, three, look at these split little tips, little sun trees that are going

to keep you from feeling frustrated, but the thing is, is that you still have to like, get it off the edge of the tape and then put the breadtap on it, so I, I'm not in the end really sure how much time you're saving, let's take a look at some more tight life hacks here, okay, okay, a Flossbox phone stand, you can take a Flossbox and you can put your phone on it, it's a phone stand, for when you're watching porn on your car while you're driving, here we go, here's another one, 350 banana hanger from Walmart works perfectly as a headphone rest, that's blowing my mind, this is incredible, hack, okay, what they say here, okay, this is a life hack that I actually read separately, you know when you get hiccups and they drive

in you crazy, I know for a fact when I get hiccups, my roommate goes completely insane, I mean he is truly, he's a dangerous person, so a part of it is that, a part of it is that just his general nature is very dangerous, but I get hiccups at night and there's nothing worse in here than me because like I get the double hiccups because I'm shaped like Winnie the Pooh and I'm there just going, and you gotta imagine that the sound itself is awful, right, now this is true, according to a medical study, the way to permanently get rid of hiccups, like let's say you have, because sometimes you could actually have a syndrome, which is also weird that I read about, is that you could get a syndrome where you get permanent

hiccups and it's like oh god, it's kind of, it's not like a curse like in that movie thinner, where instead of going dinner, the woman goes up and goes hiccups, and you're like oh you're funny Gypsy, and then all of a sudden you're hickin' up for the rest of your life, but what they got, and they say is true, is that you digitally massage your anus, and that can get rid of hiccups, you can look this up, this is not even, this is not even a bit, this is not a joke, this is real, you stick two fingers up your asshole and you will stop hiccuping, maybe because you're shootin' so many goddamn ropes, because the male clitoris is in the butthole, maybe that's what it is that you're so distracted

that your body resets itself, you're like whoa, whoa, whoa, while your penis is flappin' around like a fire hose, shouldn't come all over your knees, I don't know, all I know is that if you do it to yourself, you're not gay, and that's what you're going for, having pleasure without making Jesus upset, sorry Jesus, it's okay Sam, that's me doin' that, that's me doin' that, okay, let me see if a couple, oh look at this, find out if you've used a cake up or another brand by shakin' it if the coffee grounds are wet, they won't shake, this is why you listen to me, I have not received any emails because I've been doing this very sporadically, and so I understand you're not keepin' it up with me all the time,

but I think what's important to say is that I'm trying, oh life heck, put ice cubes in a coffee or hot cocoa to cool it down, this is why I do this show, I do this to entertain and to educate, I am gonna go back and say I resent people by sayin' I'm gnome-lookin', I would say I'm gnome-lookin', I say I'm gnome-like in my behavior, you know, and I remember when I told George Pataki, at one point, me and Pataki were havin' a long conversation and he said, do you wanna get out of jail, and I was just like, oh, why would I wanna get out of jail, and that's what I said to him, I straight up said murder me, you shoulda murder me back in the day, but I know you didn't, and thank you, thank you everybody,

I'm so glad to be alive now, it's just so nice, there's so many different hiccup themed life hacks, but they don't understand that there's actually just one, all you gotta do is stick your fingers up your ass hole, not only you get a little smile, but also the hiccup stop, and finally the torches can end, which I think is nice, get a little smile there, how many more life hacks, cause the thing is, is that I was also going through Goop, but the thing is that Goop, oh god it makes me so mad, it makes me so mad, oh look at this, okay, here's a little thing here, a little or a lot, two ways to pull off the color lavender, oh, you can do it with a little bit with a little bag, because a lot, if you

wear a bunch of lavender all once, you know what you're gonna look like, you're gonna look like someone who needs to be beaten with a tennis racket, but you make a little purse to put a lavender on it, oh touch a lavender, what is that, a flower woman, look at all of these big flappy things, this website is absolute garbage, the longer I look at it, the more it makes me, it just makes me so upset, telling women to wear trench coats just fine, this mushroom hot chocolate that I don't understand, I did a lot of mushrooms in Vietnam, but that was also because I was trying to avoid serving, I wasn't a good soldier, I just don't follow orders well, you know what I mean, I just, I'm not, I'm just one

of those, I'm my own boss, I'm on dates with my own drummer, that's what I do, there's so much absolute garbage on this website, I want to say more here, we got this mindfulness here, mindfulness, let's see what mindfulness says here at Goop, what we can learn, okay, how your future self can keep you healthy, food habits on track, go fuck yourself, what do facial cupping, facial cupping, what's that, what is this, a finding comfort in the zodiac, oh never do that, the zodiac, the devil's tool, all he will tell you is that oh, tourists are, are stubborn and scorpions are full of patience, what if it's the opposite, what if it's the opposite, what is this, this website makes no damn sense, sitting here

going through this horseshit, I just, I'm never gonna know what Justin and Jennifer's babies are gonna look like, what kind of tragedy is that, what kind of tragedy is that, it's like we'll never know what a Mike Pence presidency will look like because oh, our glorious Donald Trump is gonna stay president forever and he knows either what's right is that the only gun control that's correct is using two hands, hell yeah, yeah rocket roll, that's the funniest bit in the world, everybody's excited for gun control jokes, oh, you guys need my input on gun control, everybody does, okay, here we go, life hack, ten lies parents tell a lot but never notice, Santa Claus is watching you, it says here instead of threatening them

with Santa not giving them gifts, take away something in there here and now so they don't behave you as immediate consequences, I don't know, sometimes it's nice to know Santa Claus is watching you and someone's trying to masturbate, I will never let anything bad happen to you, that is a thing that you, that your parents are saying to kids and that is, I mean technically, so technically if the kid gets like, falls out of well or gets taken by a bunch of traffickers, you lied, you could be sued, alright, I guess that's what that means, alright, but since you can't protect your child 100% of the time, instead use the truth but frame it so the child does feel protected, get away of real dangers, it's something like, I will always

try to protect you but there are bad people out there so that's why I don't want you to wander away from me in a store and there are kids that I take from their momies and daddies and it's terrifying, that would be terrifying to say to your child, that's not what you, I guess you should maybe say that, say another lie, it won't hurt, I promise, well I guess you don't want to be like, this is gonna suck, you're gonna remember this horrible, this horrible moment for the rest of your life, the park is closed, that is a lie, that is a lie that you shouldn't tell because you know very well the park is open but you don't have the time to take the kids to the park because you have errands to run instead of

lying, be honest, mommy can't take you to the park today because we have to get groceries for the week so we can have meals and I have some other important errands that have to be done today, you're not as important as you should be, that is what you're saying to your child and in the end remember raise your children right because if not they turn out like me, keep your mother in play, another lie to tell them, you are the best artist, great job in your painting, yeah you don't want to give all that praise, there's no reason, don't bother praising your child when they aren't sincere, believe it or not kids are in as gullible as you think, so they know when you're lying when they're not talented

and if they're not talented find out if you can do late adoption, oh this is sad, I don't know what happened to your artwork that was hanging on the fridge, you know what happened to it because you threw it away, that's awful, can you just throw it out of some treasured piece, it's like who gives a shit in the end, I mean kids aren't going to remember, I will be there in a minute which is a lie, I'm going to leave this house without you, then you're never going to do that, you will not do that, we don't have enough money to blah blah blah blah, I don't understand, there's things trying to say not lie to your kids, but don't you understand that most of parenting is lying, I was lied to for a long time and I was fine

and when I found out that my mother had an affair, that I was a product of her illicit erotic affair, then that ruined everything for me, so maybe a little white lie can help a little bit in making sure someone does it murder seven people, oh look at this, eight ways to stay calm and cool, how to be more patient and less stressed, okay this is easy, look at this, you guys ready to feel released and relaxed, alright here we go, number one, let go, this thing that seems like the end of the world right now, it's not, promise, stress it out about the situation you're in, won't do any good, because you're already in it, so just let it go, go fuck yourself, to breathe, don't tell me what to do, I'm

supposed to breathe, I'm here, I'm in the middle of being absolutely alive and I'm supposed to breathe, three, loosen up, there's nothing that makes somebody relax more than when you tell them to their face to loosen up, people love to hear it, they love to hear relax, they love to hear don't get angry, don't be angry, change your emotions, they love to hear it, chew slowly, slow down at the dinner table if you want to learn to be patient and lose weight, shovel in your food down as fast as you can, it's a sure far way to eat more than you need to, and find yourself with a belly ache, go fuck yourself again, I'm this listeners making me angry, enjoy the journey, focusing on the end result can quickly

become exhausting, chasing a bold audacious goal that's going to require a lot of time and patience, split it into several mini goals, so you have several causes for celebration, that's like what I get up, right, my first thing is please make sure that my body didn't shit itself in the night, if that hasn't happened, oh, step one, completed, I'm okay, step two, all my feet too swollen to put on socks or shoes, no, wow, I am moving at light speed, everybody's jealous of me today because I'm just whoa, tap dancing down the street, everybody's loving me because my feet are filled with blood clots that are going to travel up my legs to my spine and make me paralyzed, look at the big picture, will this

matter to me next week, next month, next year, in 10 years, I'll tell you what, when I found it about my mother, it lasted forever, stop demanding perfection of yourself, honestly take your standard down, and since you practice patience every day, and you just have to, you just have to, I just need to read more of these life hacks because I didn't know just how much my life needed to be hacked, but now that I know, every day I'm gonna get up and read like 19 of these, so I make sure I'm on this straight and narrow, and everything's gonna be great, well thank you for listening to this week's David Berkowitz's corner, Son of Sam corner, I'm not sure what the show is called, but it's just nice to have you

with me, and again, if you've got any sort of sundries, any sort of articles you wanna talk to me about, I'm gonna be trying again, doing these more often, please send these to me at sonofsam06153 at gmail.com, just so you know, because that's my birthday, so it's not just a random string of numbers, it's how I remember it, it's my birthday, okay, well it's been lovely, I'm gonna sit here, I'm not dead yet, I don't know how many people want me to dead as a Shonda, even though I'm here trying to give the love of Jesus Christ to everyone that I meet, so, in salutations, thank you Jesus for another wonderful day of tap dancing out of the other planet Earth, I'd like to thank Donald Trump for sticking

by all his promises and being nothing but a good, honest family man, and not like that deep state communist Barack Obama, it's so nice to be finally in the protective hands of a billionaire, because you know, if he's a billionaire, he's so smart, he's so determined, he's so handsome, and he's got a nice head of hand, he's got a big old dick, oh he doesn't have sex, when he has that stormy Daniels, I was like, oh, that's a get right there, you mean to tell me you wouldn't want a president who hasn't had sex with a porn star, that is impressive, when he gets to go to other places like Uganda, Canada, he can say, hey I was fucking a, I was fucking a porn star last week, they'll be like, oh, I wish I was

you president of the United States, he's like, yeah you do, oh yeah, all I do is fuck, fuck, fuck, nothing makes me more proud of my country. So arm yourself, have a good old day, praise Jesus Christ, and give a little bit back to your neighborhood by patrolling it at night, and look it in people's houses and checking out their cars to make sure there's no prowess, only a prowler can defend against prowess, think about that, that's a life hack, okay, well I know, thanks for coming to David's Corner. Alright everyone, thank you so much for joining us on this special Patreon bonus episode shared

with all of you, Henry Son of Sam, I'll tell you that is incredible stuff, you know I think he can make it as a character actor, I really do, okay thanks so much for listening, find all of us on social media, Marcus Parks for everything, Henry loves you on Twitter, Dr. Fantasty on Instagram, I'm Ben Kissel, one on Instagram, Ben Kissel on Twitter, LP on the left for all the things, last podcast, go to our products page and check it out, we got a bunch of new stuff coming for you, and so excited with how the entire network is going, I hope you enjoyed page seven if you did check it out, for everything politics check out Ableton's Toppat, Movie Signs with the Mads, you know where to find all the shows

right there on the last podcast network, alright everyone, hail yourselves, talk to you soon, some agustalations.