Last Podcast On The Left - Relaxed Fit: Creepypasta XVII - My Teeth Itch

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

It's that time once again! Prepare yourself for stories of aircraft lovin', butt mustard, sexy perogies, and much much MORE. IT'S TIME FOR CREEPYPASTA 17.

There's no place to escape to this is the last We're gonna have a lot of thoughts here We really should this is a thoughtful relaxed fit episode Thought into what I'm gonna say today. Oh, I don't know if that means it's gonna be thoughtful I don't put a thought into what we're saying today, but as this tradition we're not as it's not a normally tradition It's it's something that did actually happen for dish on I'm real hungover for creepypasta episode. I think it's great. I think it's great here. We're in the pocket I'm doing salty and there's a bit of a chickeny broth that is forming underneath my tits

Which I think is a good it's set in the atmosphere. Well, I'm just gonna bust it right now We're doing fucking creepypasta. That's what we decided to do It's a bridge between one series that is Involved and then the next year is gonna be even more involved So what we're gonna do right now is sit here in the Valley of Thought Absolutely here in the Valley of Thought. She's kind of thinking. Oh, like, uh, did I leave the iron on the bathroom? I will turn this car around But I'd like you to do is that if you're home right now, are you gonna do this in the preamble?

I'm doing it right now. Okay. Oh, and this is last podcast on the left. No, we haven't Sorry, don't don't mean to jump the gun so much children of thunder. There's so many folks for today. Yeah My favorite thing is the third bowl of the day Serial or of weed weed Because third bowl is cereal today of the day. That's dinner But I sit at home sometimes because that first bowl what I do like sometimes especially at home during a weekend I've got nothing to do. I think it's like especially today I quit everything that you're involved in before you listen to this episode

Unless you're a surgeon and there's a need for an amputation that you did say you were going to do Fuck them. That's not you. Okay. That person's not you. Okay. Take care of you today. All right fucking leave your husband Before walking you right now I want you to walk in the other room if your husband's the other room I walk in the other room be like We are divorced for the next hour Because I have to be single and alone with nothing else going on to listen to this episode because you got to say We are divorced three times. I divorce you I don't force you. I don't force you. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's it. Break the marriage spell. Makes it legal

Okay, keep on quacking in the free world people are about to go crazy out here But I like to smoke my first bowl on a weekend and that's when the dump comes, right? I take one big dump and that's more about setting the tone emptying out getting clean Second bowl is all for I am on an hour two of a documentary about child murderers I'm trying to get in the zone. Okay, and it's really finally by bowl three that you're Properly scared of yourself, right? And I think it's an important place to be in like last night I'm pretty certain I saw a full apparition walk past me behind me in the mirror

And I do believe honestly that it is not a ghost or anything like that I believe it was a cloud in my brain that passed past my eyeballs It could be and I think that's really me because the thoughts today are gonna be so Over bored. We're gonna be so out of pocket Then you're gonna need to be there. It's scared of your own shoes Welcome to the last podcast on the left. Hopefully you're aptly stoned I am Ben hanging out with Marcus and Henry. That's right. We're doing macabre macaroni spooky spaghetti today It's all carbs. Hmm, which isn't that the biggest fear of all my man. I hate that. You know, what's what happens?

I got to earn my points. Absolutely, but guys today's to good. Yes, we've said before creepypasta's Oh, why are we doing this? All right? I will definitely say the quality of creepypasta not necessarily has gone up since we last did well I think we put this caveat on every episode that we do a creepypasta. I'll tell you this I found a Well of wonderful creepypasta from way back in the golden age between 2012 and 2014 So I've got some real dumb bullshit Mr. Parks much like the girl from the ring coming out of said well soaking wet and ready to horrify us Would you like to begin? Please? I would love to begin with a story called turbo lovers

Turbo good for NASCAR or F1 racing, but when it comes to sex, do you want a turbo lover? They call it a power bottom for a reason Yes, this was submitted to a website called bogg leech calm By a man who said that his name was Thomas F. Johnson, which is the most fake name. I've ever heard in my life Yes, yes, he's the Canadian serial killer that one man who put all the men in the flower pots Yes, MacArthur. I believe The cars headlights illuminate the sign on the metal fence. I exit the car the night is black and bone-dry I walk along the fence to the place where the wires are frayed enough to call through I see a few other cars as I do

So I smell the scent of oil and musk as I push myself through the frayed wires along with a bit of blood They are ready, and they are stirring My heart beats in a steady manic tempo as the boneyard stretches around the skeletons of rusting metal and dripping fuel The behemoth turbines in this liminal jungle of things that once flew Stealed and silent cool unless you know what to look for Oh, what also if you do find yourself at the boat and you are try the hamburgers on Tuesday. It is good I'll be good. It's very good. I am an epicurean. I can hear the sounds of a mechanism in heat Oh, I see one softly breathing

Beams of chrome pulsing beneath the chipped rust if one was untrained ill informed They would mistake it for just another decaying aerial mechanism, but I would not be so crass I'm speculating that Thomas F. Johnson might be Jay Leno's pen name. He might be yes He's talking about airplanes Morva Morva or John Travolta or Harrison Ford sure love their airplanes I Enter them and I feel their warmth amidst their pulsing corpus Mm-hmm that wet oily heat few sensations can surpass it. I make my entrance to the cockpit See the pattern tangles of wire and oil and a throne of flesh and steel. I enter the throne

It is enrapturous to see them awaken I can feel the shutter of metal coming to life Senuous forms moving and popping the life I embrace the tendrils of wire and sinew as they enter me. I feel the oil enter me enter them Enter us 911 So what's going on? I can feel our sinuous merger of flesh and mechanism the sleek form of the aerial predator Ascending from crawling like beasts to waking like gods

It's cool claws are shining our teeth are sharp oil drips down our curves both shiny and corroded I see others moving in the distance. I do not know who they are. You fucking planes, too It's kind of crazy right it's a small community I do not know what brings them here all I know is I must kill them whoa Oh, hey, what buddy? It's the plane orgy, dude. What are you doing? I thought we were all chill here. Come on I see them ascend as we do and I see them shine as we do as I rip into them in the glittered skies We scream we howl we roar as we fight and lust and well Consume is such a coarse word for it. It is a thing far more beautiful far too beautiful to ever want to stop

This is the first time I've ever wanted to have video content Have you ever taken another being's body into yours no Rattler machine into your systems as you eviscerate their tubes and wires and flesh with dazzling Talons and let them sink and become as with you. No It is exquisite. Okay. It is rapturous cool. It is unknown by others except us You want a scone or something? And tear as beasts and gods wrapped by only the wind and our Atavism when the first dawn lights come we know this must end the metal skeleton

Strop from their rapture of the air as I descend with grace They crawl off as we demerge They will be back next time as will I I Think to myself as I am reborn from the mouth of the mechanism oily and nude I Walk back to the car There are none who will see me and none who will know my pleasures. I see you buddy, but it's cool

It's I was with you, you know, you saw me. I was the other guy up in the place Yeah, we're the men we're members of the short list of plain fuckers You may think this may be my shame my slavery But it is the one time life has true meaning I Hear the singular final howl as I walk away. Do not judge us for what we do For you do not understand the truth of it, but on a night such as this we invite you Join us join join with us join

With them fuck the plane. I don't know man. I'm not sure dude If I was that junkyard owner Stop fucking all the spare parts. I definitely would rent it I would say hey if you want to be doing this. I need to be making money off of this Well, did you guys get the subtext that he had also turned into a dragon? Sort of yes? No, I did not He thought of himself as a dragon, but then I do cut which I also love a dragon take a plane They have wings they can fly a dragon could be a play a thing of the sky You could think of a plane if you're trying to fuck a dragon

Fucking a plane is actually a lot closer than fucking a lizard think of a plane like a dragon's flashlight Yep, you know because they got wings similar body structures. You could have fun. You could fuck it There's also some for in there as well There is consuming very much so but be inside of it and whatever it is this guy we've dragon or not He's got to get back to work at the Walgreens I think when it's Peltrow and Chris Martin from Coldplay they demerge When you guys are making love to your wives after the conclusion time to demerge I'm really glad we started like this. Yeah

Well, I'm saucy I feel I feel nauseous Did you see today today? No, I did not see today. It's on my it's on my list. I hear it's great Here is some talk about if you want to see the actual like what it's like besides this and the movie crash We ever seen the movie crash. I've seen crash. Yeah, it's like the good crash not the bad crash Yeah, the good crash the Kronenberg crash Oh, they get obsessed we get sexually obsessed with the car crashes and then the one dude fucks the other woman in her wound Oh my goodness. Now, that couldn't be good for the wound. No, but it was good for the guy. I Like it you're crying too though

Strange what love is so strange love is complicated. Love is strange as the song says yeah. Yes. Yes So now this next song next song creepypasta That was a bit of a hangover Help me this next one is the closest I have to something that could be considered scary Okay, but I also wanted this is a note to the editor with Marcus a story. We need some lusty sacks in there Oh, okay, perhaps That's would be the yeah, oh, yeah I just see a brass section. You don't want to throughout your whole story

You know what I keep saying is the scene of what's his putts playing saxophone from Lost Highway? Oh Very romantic that guy like sexy saxophone. Okay Let's come Stevie van Zandt. All right now for this next story. This is the closest thing I have to something that is actually frightening Let's get this comes from the mind of one of our listeners. He says that he believes that this happened to him. Okay So let's take it The normal thoughts coyote dear bear raccoon and other sounds are terrifying enough in the woods when you're alone No matter if you've heard them your whole life or not because it's

I'm a dear fantastic. This is great. Very scary. Really good. Yeah, but even as an experienced solo camper sad man I've had on many occasions. There's nothing sad about solo camping solo campings fine You're there is something about many of our listeners who are solo campers. I love a full time with it I'm sorry part of camping is the communal aspect of it. That's how I view it. That's how I do it Drunk to camp otherwise. I mean you don't you're just homeless. I get it for me. It's it. No for me It's about the nature. It's about the hikes. It's about the walks. It's about it. Wait a second. I get it When do you go solo camping? I don't go solo camping. I'm just saying camping in general My thing is more the nature the community communal nature the love you have in your life

Refuses to allow you to solo camp because why would you camp without them because it means you're not alone like this man It's absolutely Well, I have solo camped on many occasions woken up to voices or very Identifiable footsteps right next to me when I am alone now Of course, it's easy to explain these things by being on edge for being alone or the human mind's tendency to fill in gaps in socializing in silence But when you experience it yourself alone in the woods, and it's 3 a.m. Nicole's died out low hours ago

Okay, and you're in a hammock solo camping still really stretching With no wind stirring With not even a rain tarp between you and the dark forest around you it It doesn't matter if it's real or not. It will scare you and it will change you the hammock The noise oh the noise. I'm out there. Oh My most terrifying experiences at camping were a very was a eerily often reported and repeated occurrence with Shadow people now keep in mind. I was born and raised on the land and the woods and seasoned farmer solo camper Hiker survivalist hunter alone. I'm alone. Do you can't partners?

Absolutely, I only solo camp just solo camping You know YouTube fucking extrovert some people are perfectly fine with being alone It just sounds like go a throne a lot of shade on people who like to be alone No, I feel like you are over defending the solo. Yeah, you're now you're getting you're getting heated This solo lonely man Was out there Okay, and then he said I've logged many thousands of hours in the outdoors alone It wasn't even a night time

It was but say 8 a.m. In the middle of the summer a beautiful morning I was clearing dead trees deep in some of the woods. I manage on the on this property But woods felt like they got eerily silent and I just remember the psychological mood shift that hit me immediately Like it could literally feel this mood shift slam Mention me and suddenly I had all these insane and truce of thoughts about how I didn't belong here I wasn't supposed to be here. I needed to leave not literal voices in my ears But almost literal voices in my head You gotta get any

Get any I'm a dip. Yeah, it's like Randy Orton. He feels he hears voices in his head I looked around and I swear I saw movement out of the corner of my eye every time I moved a shadow Slipping behind a tree. Maybe it's one of the friends you're camping with her. He's alone. He's alone Every time every tree and after a few minutes of this I put my tools down and gathered myself and I looked down the trailhead and Then the shadows weren't slipping behind trees anymore. I swear That there was a crowd of dark human-esque shadow people standing 40 45 yards for me Maybe even a dozen maybe two all heights five foot to seven foot like shadows of someone's when they stand in front of a car's

Headlights or the views of a performer on stage lit by a spotlight so brilliantly You only see the vague impression of a dark human shape not moving nothing threatening about them except that they don't belong there But suddenly I was more sure than ever before that I was the only one who didn't belong there I left my tools on site that day set them right in the woods and I left slowly calmly walked out of the woods and didn't stop until the road until I hit the road in my car over a mile later and Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm sleep deprived or spent too much time alone in the woods But you can't think anything you want to you could think anything you want to I don't mind I'm alone But if you have any hike any inkling towards believing in anything spiritual or supernatural, maybe you believe me

Maybe you didn't see something like them yourself I never took that experience personally and I never avoided that area of woods again I'm convinced something or someone or some people or spirits or creatures or just passing through that day And I don't own the land the trees the woods Pocahontas taught us that Absolutely, well, it also seems like he's trespassed I was here to take care of an experience these things while I'm here So I welcome them and I hope they got where they're going But I wouldn't be mad if they never came back. All right, there you go

That kind of creeped me out. I like it. I'm thinking about the guy I can see him chewing on the cigar telling the story at some version of a Bonnaroo event And I think this yeah, there's something scary there people see weird shit out there all the time I guess that's part that's a part of it would be nice to have somebody else there to go But like you see that shit or maybe you won't show up if you got a kiss all they're going look We didn't bring enough sandwiches either Well, I think that is just a fantastic story with the shadow people looking at this lonely man Almost like we look at a lonely shark in the aquarium. I wonder if they wondered why he was so alone because they had a bunch of friends

There was a all the shadow people were there Yeah, that's the thing about being alone is that other people just like show up Yeah, it's fine. It's like hey, what's up, you know, and then you got to figure out a way to get away from them Yeah, dude I was reading a short story by Jean Wolfe called the death of Dr. Island and it's all about this concept of you walk Out there and whoo and you're just alone and and then the idea of you meet other like psychopaths and the islands talking to you And you're meeting all these like psychopaths are out there just alone in the woods Smiley face on a volleyball and you name it

You know, we fucked it. Oh, of course Fuck it. There was no hot bag. It was just it was very rough Very well, I'm sure he rubbed his genitalia on I would he's your friend. He put a fucking face on it. What's next? Now this is a creepypasta that I did I am on the first page of Google I did so much Yeah, I want to thank myself. I know that we are going to have ad-read this before probably I don't know We don't know do we now this story is about sitting on a bus and I remember I used to sit on the bus And I would try to say as little words as possible because I was emotionally traumatized

It's very scary on the bus. Oh, but have you heard that American Airlines is offering this brand new it's in what they said is It's pretty awesome. This talk about scary creepy. This is creepy more than anything. They're offering a brand new On the ground experience You go to the airport and you take a bus That's very scary, it's so cool alone Okay, so this song this this rather this creepypasta. I'm gonna sing it like a song this spooky Why do we all get a song? It's an earworm for the day. I sat on the bus. Okay here it goes I said

This is not wheels on the bus. This is a man sitting on a bus a child I sat on a bus on my way to school listening to music and paying little to no attention to the other students We've all been there at one of the stops my mind snapped back to reality Snap back to reality. Oh, there goes rabbit. He's just fucking mom's mom's spaghetti Get through it. Get through it. Watch out for a family. Oh So the guys on the bus and his mind snapped back to reality He looked towards the small house Tommy's house I thought hmm must've been where Tommy lived a hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on

Okay, okay, so they so the bus driver pulled up the Tommy's house I look them up and then I hand just came out one like that. I look towards I Looked towards the small house Tommy's house. I thought He's a hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on From the house he's sick I thought paying no large amount of attention to the situation the day flew by God, I just see you as a six foot seven twelve-year-old on that bus Okay, Tommy may have been my only friend the day flew by I watched the local news channel after school and what I heard

Paralyzed me he got paralyzed Tommy's entire family was murdered that day by an unknown suspect After hearing this move I moved back up to my room and quietly fell asleep the next day I sat on the bus we drove past Tommy's house and the bus driver Unaware of Tommy's family's fate stopped at the house as I was about to get up and explain to her what had happened Something caught my eye a pale hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on He said that before I sat on the bus terrified. Yeah, but it was but it was after the family was dead The murderer yeah, but it's a pale hand so it could be that sounds like a zombie or a ghost or something that's stupid It's pale. Why would it be like come get us the family's dead the family was dead before?

I think it's the murderer and that entire family been murdered that the day before it would still be a very active crime scene Yeah, very much so and it guys is in there There's probably the cop saying why are you stopping here? You know? It was Tommy Isaac Cook wrote that okay, and Isaac. You're just so talented this had 7.98 out of 10 You know, it's I did I like though because it's a good it's got a twist It's got me if you're reading it, you know and just reading it along like I would imagine it's a lot creepier than you know Yeah, I'm been reading it an old judge talking commenting on everything really revealed to be gay son

I watched the local news channel after school and what I heard I realized Tommy's entire family was murdered that day Maybe Tommy did it maybe yeah, I mean, there's not there's no word You know who did it yeah, yeah, I'm saying like that just the whole family been murdered Hey, what's up everyone how you doing Ben kissle here with Henry Zabrowski Yeah, bro Henry Zabrowski is smoking some of that sweet last podcast Go out there and purchase yourself some I hope you enjoy it We have sativa we have indica and we have a hybrid and I have to tell you for my personal experience They are wonderful super tasty live resin. You really get the delicious weedy taste

Which is what I like and three different experiences you go to your local vape store and get it absolutely Thank y'all so much for supporting the show We absolutely love you can't wait to see on the road and get that vape Put it in your brain and have a good time And if you want to set your favorite weed store, give them a call and ask for them by name last podcast on the left It's weed hail yourselves everyone. Hail Satan. All right fantastic Here we go This is a this is a good old track from way back in the day called his majesty

okay Submitted by Peter Allen This is a little bit longer, but I think it's worth it. It could be a real name to Peter Allen Maybe you know it sounds very fake. It's a very very fake. It sounds like a man you meet for sex My arrival at the palace is herded by a procession of scuttling hunched figures Tattered finery Whisting my banners playing all assortments of a discordant instruments through their lipless decaying jaws Not easy when your horn section has no jaws

Honestly, it hurts. I'm not supposed to put it in my teeth. It's tough man. Do you know how to play the piano or anything? I had to de-throat it. I had to put the two barricades in the back of my car Okay Behind them I ride in my cabin topped with leathery flags and tops Perched in the crook of my mountain norm as black carapace as it froths at the mouth and lashes its tendrils at the marchers ahead of us Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. This is very Gene Wolf actually. It really is We journey across the wasteland for days on end accompanied always by the constant discordant blaring of the marchers What about guitar do you think you can do guitar? Look at these knobs. Oh, no

The palace doors tower over us slowly pulling aside to a hideous grinding noise The gates lift and the guards are calmed from their frothing rage into allowing us passage to the inner sanctum The halls now loom over us deathly quiet and dark stretching beyond what the eye can see in the darkness Shapes move in the gaps between the stone pillars vast and indistinct after marching for hours We arrive at the center coming upon the court of his majesty himself Yeah seated at their stone desks squabbling at one another and warped voices Gibbering incoherently clicking their mandibles and staring from out to their failed and hooded robes At the center of their assembly his majesty stands

Draped in jewelry and furs wrapped in silken robes Waiting patiently for the crowd to settle as quiet falls in the court assembles his majesty raises his fifth head To address the audience Separate languages and intonations from each of his mouths. Yes. Whoa dudes got five heads and no seven languages Yeah, I want a honk. Yeah, it must have been raised in Europe. Absolutely. Maybe he's French His interpreter scrambles around the court announcing to all that his majesty welcomes the guest to his halls Saying that they are all welcome to his hospitality and they will discuss over a meal provided by him At this servants drag in platters full of food and drink with sinewy roast segmented legs

Steamed meats served in the shell Slathered with sauces and liquors served from door brass pots. Oh Steamed meats Yeah There is much feasting with goblets overflowing with punch many varied stews and soups You mean to tell me this whole fucking evil army drinks fruit punch. Yeah She didn't say like fruit punch is just punch. What's the punch made of? That's not gonna quench your thirst but mmm, but his many varied stews and soups

Vegetables who slimy tendrils undulating sauce Did you just search the word tendrils and go from there? Is that what happens? His majesty does not eat remaining silent in the center of the court After the leftovers are carried away and his majesty gestures with a hooked claw He invites us all to stay and see a show in the court. Yeah, forget it Bro, this night is getting better and better and better I'm I love a punch and we just ate some fucking wet meat I'm so fucking thankful that patreon invited us to this get together

At the piping of the gods I turn to leave saying my goodbyes in the elder language They smile from behind their carapaces amused by my arrogance Hours pass in my absence. I hope you enjoy the evil vegetable In the sanctum all is silent the gods themselves turn to leave Superstition guiding their uneven footfalls on the tiles of the court They know better than to rouse the elite from their eons long slumber Oh, that's like when you worked with Martin Scorsese and you couldn't wake him up if he was if he was napping heats in his contract

The world is not yet ready for their return Yes, and the palace the court turns as if to acknowledge an unseen presence looking out from between the stars His majesty extends his 17th serrated Pinch out of the ornate robe to signal the start of the show. That's a lot of sleeves Okay, so he's got five heads and 17 pinches got many things No as the audience we are imagining he's a beast so we can we can't fathom this and we're guests So we can't be like no you got a lot of heads. No, I mean sinew exactly I'm in a great time at the tap tap tapping the conductor's baton the room falls silent

The curtains float to the sides and one by one the actors take their places on the stage if this becomes the aristocrats A hunched figure begins the narration while the veiled audience listens attentively A great cacophony is heard from the exits and a pale eyeless shape slithers towards the actors Rode in their skin. I'm from WMA and WME and I want to sign you The proceedings are interrupted by the chamberlain loudly complaining about the flatworm that had become launched in his thorax Dearing the meal and he is subsequently sent to his quarters with a good lashing for all the trouble he has made And it's not able to view the rest of the play. We were eating flatworms, dude. Yeah, bro Yeah, I did you said it was spaghetti, but you knew it had to be creepy

After that the evening goes smoothly And I am invited to bed with the court mistress where she makes great use of her cello sore Thoroughly tired and beginning to moat she does is off to sleep I am unable I am unable to get comfortable on the writhing young and instead I opt to fix myself a glass of warm water And but when I arrive at the well, that's the room. Do I? Who do I see but the chamberlain? He had apparently snuck out of his chamber dressed in the shed skin of the court mistress

Who is going through a period of dermal peeling that had left her skin red and sensitive I've lost my opinion that this is very inconsiderate to her skin mites But he responds that he makes a better home for them anyways Several gods appear and click their claws to ask what are we doing out at the well so early in the morning Just get some hot water Water warm water. Thank you They pause for some moments to look up into the reddish sky faintly perceiving some vast shape beating its membranous wings Shrieking across the dim cloud aether its many claws and legs tucked tightly into its fleshy hide

It swoops down sinking its sharp mandible spikes deep into the sinewy flesh of one of the gods Oh god, it's Ellen DeGeneres. Whoa It carries the corpse aloft into the dark sky from which it does not reemerge The remaining gods now greatly startled retreat back into the palace I look across the landscape watching over the mountains formed over the bodies of the sleeping gods Seeing the deep red sunrise I hold up my hands to block the light forgetting again that I don't have any I shut my eyes to the growing dawn

And the world turns red Dude's got no hands He just realized How the hell does he forget that? I'm working up to the Indian. We're going to the Indian. Yeah, they are rising again We ruled now where they ruled once and they will rule again Where we rule now They have stayed inactive for eons in their fortresses

Safe from our rule But now they awaken again The cycle is repeating Yeah, I mean, they're not gonna lose to nub people man. I mean, I don't understand What is where did the hands go? I just don't understand the final like How is he gonna get the warm water? There's so many questions

There's got to be like a bowl or something like someone brings up a bowl and he just he reaches down and he laps it up He's a bug. I mean, I know that they're all other people bugs. Yeah, they're like insect people Yeah, with all the thorax, isn't that how did you not get that and claws thoraxes and mandibles. Yeah Yeah, they say those characters. Yeah, I'll tell you what bridgerton season three sounds fascinating It really does. I don't know any bugs with five heads Marcus. I never heard of that before It's like fantasy world fantasy. Oh, that wasn't realistic That wasn't about boston Honestly, I love that world

And that's what it was story that one. I was very surprised at coming across that one. It's a very very cool story I love that shit. Yeah, never if you never read the executioner song. I I borrowed it from you. I just couldn't understand it I never knew what the fuck was going on But you understood that You have to let the sphincter of your mind Gape True you can't see that. I wish the audience could see what I'm doing. You tighten the fist You tighten it and then you're opening it as if the the anus is gaping. Yes. Yep. Absolutely wolf

Genius into your membrane I love him. Okay. I love him. But that's how I realize because you gotta relax and let gene wolf do his thing Maybe I have to try it again take the wheel I borrowed it from you many years ago. Maybe I'll give it another shot. Yeah, it's yours now No, I gave it back to you. I returned it. Hmm before you moved This is something that we should definitely talk about. Um, all right. So now Henry. Okay Hey, I know talking about gene wolf and setting a tone. Uh, this next story really does it puts you in another world Does it and I really I'm excited. This is the world

What a world to live in so just like that just like marx's incredibly well read story with with a lot of You know gravitas. Yeah, we was like scene building and world building you it's like you walked into a place It has existed forever and you get to be home there eating the evil vegetables in the sinew It was kind of a hellraiser meets a bug's life. Oh, that's really interesting. That's interesting. That's awesome. Yeah Yeah, it's like cthulhu and ants But this story this story is called moist butt mustard moist butt mustard

Okay, it's only he doesn't get better than this So we're this is the beginning of the slope because I've given in I've given in so it's not it's not it's not moist But it's mustard. It's moist butt mustard to tease. Yeah to tease. Got it. I saw the sign while I was out shopping And then opened up your it did a did it open up your your eyes fantastic You're gonna want to check out the four non-blondes their new album came out 1998 and I tell you what the best thing about them is that they're brunette. Absolutely weird That was ace of base who did I saw the sun? They are not

I see moist butt mustard 10 dollars well Now it was a tiny shop wedged between two large ones I did a double take. Oh, uh Surely it wasn't right and furthermore What the hell's butt mustard exactly A young lady stood at the counter freshly dressed with bubbly eyes

Hello, do you want a sample before you buy? I was intrigued Clearly it was written all over my face as she handed me a pair of used panties Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that kind of shop Don't knock it till you've tried it. She said with sly smile. You wouldn't believe how many men like yourself come to my store There was this one big tall guy six foot seven. Yeah, um clad in denim He made me subscribe to a podcast on my phone. I've done that before and I also love this butt mustard that I bought So her cheekiness one out

I took a hold of the undergarments glanced around to see if anyone was watching and I took a deep sniff The scent was cloying Pungent and went up my nose and rattled my brains Sweat shit and the other thing all blended together in a thick sickly smell. Huh the other thing vagina. Yes. Oh Correct I woke up strapped to the floor Oh my goodness five other men crouched in front of me in varying stages of consciousness We were all naked a man at the front had his face in a bowl

Wafting down some unthinkable slop. Why'd you play a game? Glad you could join us the girl from earlier smiled smugly What have you done to me? I shook my chains my wrist burnt against the struggle You are a dirty man. Whoa just like these she spat You wanted butt mustard now you have it. I was just interested in the product called butt mustard Yeah, you thought it was a cute fun thing Don't you think it'd be like a gag and it turned out it's just super hot mustard. You're wrong. You pervert. Okay, you condiment I'm sorry pedophile. What a bit of an entrapment situation. If you ask me a little bit

I'm saying she I'm not saying she's fair But I hardly was by the oldest ketchup and I say is this barbecue sauce 18? What I would do I don't It's unbelievable Just in the man at the front kneeled over and died His butthole opened up and sprayed shit all down the line pieces of it hit me in the face Bile rose up and added to the mess You sicken me all of you

Disgusting getting off and smelling the girls used underwear. Please. I had I didn't know That's what they all say. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah That's what they all say. Oh, I didn't know. Huh. I should know the you should be kind of you should be well You should know where your food comes from. That's what it's all about. Right? Suddenly my skin started to burn with the facies had hit The pieces of my face blistered and melted to the floor the other men moaned The guy behind the man at the front screamed a high heaven as his face peeled off. Shit covered him Blisters rose up like water balloons each one swelling until they burst

I struggled again and found one of the chains coming loose the blisters man the blistered man He kneeled over and he fucking died just I managed to get one arm free Oh my goodness skin was on fire pain searing through my skin to the bones underneath the third man succumbed much like the others Skin melting off his body. I was lucky. I didn't have the full impact. It took another second to break free Well, he didn't stop me as I was as I ran away. She only laughed I escaped into the night Pieces of skin flapping in the wind if you see that sign and that woman you steer clear All right

So this is just a you steer you stay stay clear of that. So it's a story. So it's a story with the moral Okay, it's all not succumbing but now the moist but mustard Curiosity Stay with your family. Yeah If you see that if you see the sign you think about your wife think about your kids think about your face He just saw the sign and but then she tortured him for it Yeah, she because she was looking for a condiment pervert. She was looking for one of you marcus to the glitter in his eyes

When he was as like a woman's panties like he was like, ah, yeah, yeah, nothing nothing wrong with that No, especially if you purchased them because that's capital And that comes in your home. That is your item. No, you you are the delivery guy. You're breaking into people's homes Don't do that. That's the bad part is to break it in the lungs The panties are the most innocent thing in all of us. Well, I think she overreacted Um, no, she doesn't like guys that like panties. I just don't know what was in the butt mustard that made them pass out Well, it made the man shit, uh, a poison. I mean a bacterial poison Was the butt mustard in the panties or was the guy eating the butt mustard out of the bowl which caused him to

Sandwich, maybe they should put it on a sandwich. You know what? I feel like maybe this is only a second draft And there wasn't a lot of again. We didn't really see a lot of the a to z there stew We didn't see a lot of it there. So like, you know, who knows? I don't know No, maybe it's for you to not know. Maybe it's too subtle. Yeah, what was that story? Unreliable narrator also Well, you can only be the one who wanted butt mustard. You can only Do what they give you you can only read what they give you stew. What was the book? Obviously a to z check out that series

I'm sure it's somewhere The Right to abc or something like requests the master bring them back Bring on back somebody recognized you on the subway and what book were you reading? It was a guide. I believe it was called a guide to creating a serial killer And it was about the idea. It was about the what it was like about the mcdonald triad and all that type of shit Let's do actors. They're just like us. Okay. This one's called seaweed Um, now seaweed is actually very interesting because do you remember when people found out that mcdonald's was using it?

In their burgers and people really freaked out. Yeah, but honestly, it's good filler. It's very good for you See weeds very nutritious. Uh, I love a seaweed salad. I do too. I'm back in the seaweed good graces for the longest time I thought it was disgusting. It is the concept You have to get it back in you have to get past it and then feed it through because you can pickle it And you pickle anything that's good. Anyway, this one is called seaweed My grandmother grew up in the slums of prohibition era chicago Her family lived in a small house near the harbor and one of their earliest memories Was a particular hot summer when seeking respite from the heat

She and her sister discovered a seldom used section of boardwalk near an abandoned warehouse. I hate that Why would you do that? Every night for several weeks The two girls would make their way down to the docks and sit together on the edge of the pier as the sun went down My grandmother vividly remembers a time that she fondly recalls Recalled the feeling of seaweed between her toes as she and her sister dangled their feet into the murky water She liked the way the seaweed felt. It's awful. It's one of the worst feelings in the fucking world Yeah, this grandma's are funny. He's a weird-ass gram. This is pretty creepy. This is prohibition era, man

Yeah, it's pretty 9-11. Yeah, people were different. They were just looking for any kind of fun So the sun's going down her and her sister are sitting there toes are in the murky water feeling all the seaweed It wasn't until years later She returned to the pier and found that the warehouse had been demolished curious She made an inquiry with the department of planning and development. Isn't that exciting? Yes Apparently the warehouse had been owned for a time by the mob Who was using it as a base of operations for their prostitution racket. Yep, and that was a that was a matter of public record Yeah, that was just they everybody said that was it that was like at the department of buildings like they had that on file

Yeah, they wrote that down. Evidently, uh, they did do that It had only been or seeing holes What did I notice that even the butt mustard story did hold up to a certain level of logic, didn't it? Well, this is so far I mean, it's only internal logic. I don't the department of planning and development I think they would have some inside information on the mob and their prostitution racket It had only been uncovered when an associate began disposing of rival hook. This is their words Rival hookers by fitting them with concrete shoes and dumping them into the harbor Investigating officers had recovered nearly two dozen bodies from the waters of a secluded pier nearby

How had the bodies been discovered? A passing fisherman spotted the some of the victim's hair floating near the surface of the water Oh, like seaweed! It's the hair. It was tickling her. There's just something about the seaweed I like So just be very careful out there. Yeah, seaweed's always uh sex worker tendrils And that's what we should honestly we should start calling them that sex worker tendrils. Yeah, I did be also like That's the only way I'm referring it to now from round one. I don't care How many lifeguards I meet you guys should be an alienate you should be romantic and touch hair and say it's like a seaweed Your hair is like seaweed. It's like seaweed. Girls don't like that

I bet you like seaweed. Yeah, if you said hey, carolina. How nice be like, oh carolina your hair is like seaweed today I bet you think she'd like it. I think she would um be confused Uh and ask me what what do you mean by that? I don't understand. I find mostly the texture of seaweed to be disconcerting Yeah, truly I find it to be kind of gross. So I would say if you said it was like a dead man's hair It's like a dead man's hair. Yeah, they did get that right. You've been rotting in the ocean Absolutely. Hi carolina. Hello carolina. You look you've been rotting in an ocean Yeah, I mean what is if that's not a euphemism for marriage when I don't know what is Whoa, hey now ours is a garden ours is a well-tended garden. Yeah, that's right

Got all these carrots growing. Oh, yeah, I can see those carrots. You know what I'm saying All right, all right, my next story is called toothache submitted by Erickson worn codes Jack lived his whole life as a bad ass Cool drinking smoking fighting Bucking whoa ever since he was 13 Jack wouldn't even real name. He may have been uh, he may have been raped. Yeah might have been molested. Yeah

Jack wouldn't even his real name. He just thought john was too boring. Yeah. Now jack is unique Yeah, okay. Now. He was moving up Jack was now Jack the shock Okay, okay Jack the shark loved to tease the ladies I won't buy it was his standard opener And cheesy as it was it was hard to not be drawn to that flashy menacing grin

Later he would offer them a chance to experience the thrill and danger of being eaten out by the shark I guess you will buy Well not with the teeth It's always nice when someone announces what they're not gonna do because then it means that they are thinking about doing it I'm not gonna kill you. Well seems like you might want to I'm not gonna cut out your vagina and put it on my head Wait a second. What? I'm a surgeon. He would say Caressing the serrated edge of one of his many many pearly whites

Barfights a thing of the past you don't fuck with the shark It might tear your throat out Kind of a shame really jack would love the chance to actually use them on someone Still extortion with a grimace. Now that was sweet. But tonight Jack was alone make no mistake extrovert though. He may be jack was still treating himself He was preparing a recent favorite the steak sandwich It's exactly what it sounds like. Yeah, it's a steak sandwich. It's just penis Heat up a piece of cow and slap it on some bread. What did you think jack was gonna be a pansy ass vegan?

Not with these teeth Sitting down and salivating jack thought to take it slow and savor his meal, but he could never help himself He rapidly lifted and took a bite a big big bite I'm like my life and swallowed it almost as fast Oh, he's so cool. He should chew this guy is cool though. No one's too cool to not chew. Yeah, bro. He's too cool That's all you eat, but something was wrong Jack put the sandwich down and carefully probe the inside of his mouth He had swallowed several of his teeth. Oh my god. Fuck

He shouted He scrambled out of his seat and made his way to the phone Panic flashed through his mind. He couldn't lose his teeth He absolutely fucking couldn't well. I mean there's dental replacement programs. He called the dentist. Okay. That's the first thing he did Jack didn't finish his sandwich He was too scared to take another bite. I would be yeah, I mean he just lost a bunch of teeth biting into it from a steak sandwich Yeah, weird after scheduling an appointment. He nervously nursed beers and watched the tube finding it difficult to sleep

Eventually sleep found him passed out on the couch Jack woke painfully incredible pain worse than broken limbs worse than a metal chair to the face in high school Worse than being cut with a broken bottle worse than having his hand smashed with a billiard ball Thanks, buddy. You maybe the problem's you yeah A hard man like jack was not supposed to feel this kind of pain He coughed and sputtered blood and vomit in between screams of agony as it clutched his stomach hunched over the table It was warm It was wet

Okay, jack screams turned to horror as he lifted his hand up and saw that it was covered with blood Whoa Something shot out his gut Whoa listening a sharp streak of pain followed by several more Jack counted five of his teeth Randomly flapping on the ground like mexican jumping beans. Whoa. They were fucking too strong for his gut I guess so All he could do was scream

First of all, I swallowed a bunch of my own teeth What just gotta be that is a traumatic afternoon And then they they're all going like I would I would pick them up Yeah, I just don't need my mouth to be directed by sam ramy I don't need to have inanimate objects all of a sudden have personalities Yeah, I don't want to know how they have now the teeth do the teeth have teeth when the teeth smile I don't know. I don't want my teeth to turn into the bullets from who frame roger ebbon. No, of course

That's how you know, you've got a problem. What a heart nation. What? A roast as dark as the night Perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes He's just trying to warn you of the bridge the bridge finally from the caffeine addled brains of spring hill jack coffee And last podcast on the left rebring you moth men's red eye blend. Yes Delicious Panama beans go to last podcast merch calm to order yours today You know last time we did creepypastas I said, uh, you know, I'm over the erotic tales Yeah, he's never said that. I don't know. Maybe I did

but uh psych Because it's about to get a whole lot. We're erotic in here. Okay So hope you're all ready for it because it's about to get the sexiest I've ever been I'm gonna make you fucking hard in the room with me. I can't wait. I'm gonna make Marcus like a magician We've been watching Alan Moore's bbc master class Yeah, I'm using my words to change your life through the screen. Okay a thousand miles away from me I'm gonna make you hard from here. Oh, wow. I can touch you with my words from here

I mean, there's plenty of people that make me hard. Um, without me actually being in the same room with now It's me. Oh, it could be all now. It's me pornography. I'm doing it now I'm making everyone hard. Absolutely call it magic though It's magical in a sense, isn't it though because you couldn't do it back in the day because back in the day You would have to run 26 miles to describe what a booby looks like so then the king could masturbate to your words About a description of what boobies looked like the king would just take a woman. Yeah well So this is stuffed with love stuffed with love

Steam of boiling water filled the small kitchen and that and vladislav dumped the pierogi in the pot They lowered the heat and stirred the pot with a wooden spoon And then he opened the window to let in the fresh air. It was a normal boring sunday and crack off The city was filled with traffic and pollution Taurus snap photos of architecture and old and an old drunk man was peeing at the bus stop Yeah, that's crack up Vladislav was the regular 40 year old and divorced polish man

They enjoyed beer ate barskis and glaki Worked as a bus driver enjoyed watching football on a small tv Are you being racist against the polisher or those actual foods? Those are foods. Okay. Life was nothing special But needed a complaint at least he was no longer married to that horrific christina That woman from hell don't know anything about her but evidently a woman from hell when they first started dating She seemed nice also a really good polish restaurant here in here. I love christina. Oh, absolutely ch But when we first started dating she seemed nice. Yeah, I like karksma karksma is also very good. That's better

Yeah, it's I like the bolo breglas. You're being racist. It's fantastic. One of the better bathrooms around We first started dating christina. She seemed nice huge tits could drink leaders of zbrovska Sucked them once after he made the best bigos of his life Wow But then she got a promotion when she thought she deserved a man upgrade and started fucking her fat boss He kicked her out. That's an upgrade Broglie started to rise to the surface of the water So he stirred them some more and he loved to cook and all the polish cuisine was one

And this is one of the finest of his opinion, right? Just a lot of fatty meat Juicy cabbage and lots of voca could make anyone happy This is why you never ask a chef what they're thinking about he prepared the steamer And the strainer plate and he turned the pot off put ogie smelled amazing And after he got them on a plate he poured a huge amount of caramelized onions with butter on top and a gallon of sour cream Oh, this is truly actually almost getting me aroused I just got a real food swap. Let's say I'm waiting for the eroticist He doesn't get sour cream. He's out of this. He's out of this

He got a cold beer out of the fridge and he sat down to have his dinner But before he could reach to the fork he noticed it The progies were staring at him Now he felt a rush of weight on his head right and he rubbed his eyes surely he must have been tired Maybe it was too much tv. You know, you always heard he could mess up his brain But he figured he would only apply to young people sitting in front of a computer for hours playing those loud games Not an old prick like him

But when he opened his eyes, he saw their little eyes their small womanly eyes and pumped lips gazing at him one of them said a kiss What the kurba he screamed almost falling off the chair We sorry misday if we frighten you

You said one of the pierogi. This is a woman's voice. He was deep and sexy Notice he liked it What the kurwa's happening? He asked and he stared at his plate of now sentient food Caramelized onions. Was he drunk? No way. He only had one beer. Beer doesn't get you drunk. We know that He never took any drugs. Maybe somebody slipped them something. But then why? Why would they do that? There is no need to be afraid Mr. Vladik said the same pierogi as before

We're here to help you Help me what wow what with what where the kurwa's happening? Was he losing his mind? He never thought it would happen like this He heard about people going crazy shitting in stores and running naked through streets But nobody told him about fucking food talking to you when you're having about to have a nice normal dinner Absolutely. Yeah We're here to make especially a pierogi dinner. You feel like that's a really safe dinner I mean it survived war after war after war devastation

The pierogi is one of the more honest foods. Sometimes it sucks your dick We're gonna make you happy We dumplings have a way of knowing when a slavic man needs love And we came to assist you the dumpling smiled and it seemed to smile with its whole tiny body Vladislav's heart really started beating faster. How did they know? Was this really happening? He pinched his arm nothing changed He jumped to the sink and he splashed his face with cold water There is no need to hurt yourself, mister. You heard the pierogi say behind him

Just relax and let us work our doughy magic. Oh my god. What do you mean? Oh, what do you want to do the pierogi giggled? I'm gonna sit on you. Oh, yeah Could you sit down heavy beer and let your mind be open for the possibilities of unimaginable pleasures It's a potato blowjob pierogi licked her plump lips. He did as they said Yeah, that's what I would do I'm of course sitting faintly on edge of a wooden chair one by one Dumplings jump from the wet plate onto his lap and began to unzip his pants. Oh my goodness. Now. How do they do that?

their little dumpling hands He whispered he was like, oh, okay After all I said this might be a dream and you know like well, why not see how it's gonna end Sure, of course. I mean at this point you might as well be rude These warm little bodies of doughy dumplings. They felt amazing against his naked skin He started to sweat Pierogi pulled his limp penis from his polka dotted underwear and started kissing and sucking it

It was the strangest sensation so wrong yet. So right. I don't uh his penis got hard and red and dumplings took terms Suck at the tip rubbing against the shaft and smuggling on his balls So how big are these pierogies or how small is his penis a group of them? Yeah, it takes a village Six pierogies could cover your dick if they're all working in municent. That's true But how are they sucking his dick because otherwise it's just like a pierogi job. They have little lips I don't think that they're taking it all the way down the throat. Yeah Yeah, yeah, they say he just says he's sucking the tip

He's gonna just suck in the tip. Okay kissing. It's more like kissing a penis. Yeah one slid between my cheeks Trying to lick the tane anus with its tiny little dumpling tongue A lot of kane's magician to make it easier on the little thing. He felt absolute bliss go through him as a dumpling Explored his originous regions meticulously that makes sense. I can see that Oh, yeah, mr. You are so beautiful said the dumpling flopping on his hard dick With with his juices. Doesn't it feel good? Yeah

It's a lot of slump in his beer. Some of his beer went down smooth. How can we move? How can we move someplace more comfortable? With it so now we're talking how do we get more comfortable? All right, now we're talking the dumplings giggled He moved them all back to the plate He pulled his pants all the way down undressed. He took his shirts and stuff and he went to the fucking The bed and he put the plate with the dumplings on the bed. All right. Take it. He said as he thrusted now He's on top of him now. He's fucking him like he's titty fucking them because they're all kind of piled in a little on the plate Brogies are a lubricated thing. Yeah

Don't forget the caramelized onions. Oh, yeah The pierogi's felt even better than any pussy you'd ever had He penetrated their soft mouths feeling the warm stuffing on top of his dick a composition of cheese and potatoes And he heard himself moan. Absolutely now now who's now who wants to who Christina? Two of the pierogi jumped to his nipples sucking vigorously so they don't fall down So they suck on for their dear life pierogi pasties. Um, and he's like, oh fuck. Yeah He jackhammered fast feeling tiny bodies flap and jump around and pen and training one after the other sometimes just sides And two clump together sometimes hitting the bed

Mr. Slow down slow down. We will show you is the good times Right said one dumpling after receiving whole dick to the face flottick listened and they changed position He laid on his back knees up pierogi's divided to attend to both his dick and his asshole One pierced himself on the dick sucking the hardest he could and two sucked on the sides And one jiggled and sucked his balls and three started playing around with his butt Getting up trying to hit his prostate, right? Yeah Go cars up flottick scream feeling he was gonna get close and then the dumplings from his nipples relaxed now Look at the sweat off his chest and his plump beer belly the one on top of his penis gargled and stuffed himself with that

Head his ass was full of pierogi's lick at his prostate Nothing would ever compare to this he said Tears filled his eyes his orgasm came and hatches shot out and the little thing tried to swallow as much as it could And the others rushed to drink some as well. Well, you can't do that with lasagna. Everybody's just uh, yeah And he says that was incredible. That was great. That was incredible incredible best Now, where did you guys all learn how to do that? A long time ago. Yeah, all pierogi had sex with men before the meal But the god pierogi got jealous and didn't want to share his mistresses with all slavic people the god pierogi

So yes, yes ancient god of dumpling So he locked us up in his sex dungeon and left you with only with the sad lifeless forms of these shells of the husk of pierogi Only a few of us remain free Travelling the lands looking for people in need of sexual adventure Now that you are satisfied we will discard our bodies for you to eat and go on so he's gonna eat all of these come filled Dumplings from his own thing. Yeah All the ones that were in it. How many were in his asshole five Five and then six total pierogi. It was a healthy pierogi dinner before a lot

I could say a word little white round forms came out of the dumpling and drifted in the air They look like little fat fairies with big bellies and huge tits clapping their tiny wings You don't have to easy wipe your hand as they flat away and floddock breathe the deeply He smelled like flour He was left alone with full plate of all these dumpling skins still warm But I want to eat them all And they were delicious. Well, isn't that fantastic? So we did get to have the dinner I thought he was gonna ruin them uh with the thrusting and all the other stuff. No, they were spirit animal

They were little creatures. Obviously they come inside of it. They were they were the hill the folk. That's one thing, right? Okay, so it's like, okay, you can't you come inside of it and then people eat it I've some people do this, right? Okay. Yeah, whatever you want to do. I don't care But when it comes to the thing eating his asshole Now those I would I would set that one aside wash him off. Yeah It's your shit Yeah, but that doesn't mean that that's not I actually looked up that you can get you can because you can drink your own piss

It's your own stuff You could actually you don't want to eat your own shit But you can accidentally like if you if you shit in the same room as your toothbrush You're getting your shit particles on your toothbrush, and then you're putting it in your mouth. Yes, but it's it's it's You see look at your face mark. It's you just realized no, I knew that I knew I made peace with that fact a very long time ago. You look fuck you look people's assholes Yeah, yes, but you don't eat the pierogi after it's Ben inside of your butt enough to massage your prostate. That's deep. Yeah, it's upgrade

He's hungry. That was his dinner. He didn't ask to have his dick sucked in his asshole lick No, he was trying to have dinner. That is true. And how did they retain their shape and Consistency by being must be stronger than we give them credit for one word one word magic I love it. All right. Well, this is my thing Jackie Jackie who's helped me curate some curate some of this I'm sure I'm sure she's thrilled with the with the association. So this one now. This is my last story It says I'm calling it's called. I'm calling to inform you No, this is gonna take some character work. I can't wait to see you try. Huh? You do well. You do you are

You can do now. You're quite the thefts being. Yeah Hello You playing your mom? No, hello, that's Hi, is this Karen Maitland? speaking speaking Hi, I'm really sorry for calling so late. I just uh, I know I'm uh, I know your daughter Is Anna? Okay Oh, um, uh, no, uh, your other I go to community college with Sarah. Oh

Okay, wow What abouts are you? Whereabouts are you? Chicago, Chicago It's a very dull conversation We're about to use Chicago, Chicago. Yeah, you just figured where I said, yeah Huh for your reaction. I'm guessing Sarah's always been a bit of a lone wolf character Huh. Yeah, you could say that But I mean, it's a great to hear that she has friends out there. Can I ask what this is about? Well

I'm actually calling to ask if you've been in touch with Sarah recently. Um, no, no, no, not really She sort of broke off contact a while ago. I've always I told her if she wanted to I haven't changed my phone number Just in case but uh, I think she's probably changed hers by now. Okay. I'm sorry It's better I feel like I'm in a conversation with my aunt, you know, we're like, I can't speak to you I'm sorry that uh, that doesn't sound like her. Well, listen, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but Sarah's been reported missing Oh, okay. What what do you mean missing for how long? Uh, almost three days

Wow three days. Okay I mean, I mean, what's happening are people looking for her? Well, that's the thing. I um, I don't think they really are I mean, you know, she likes to keep to herself So she she didn't really have any close friends and she was always sort of prone to Absences, I mean, it's like no one noticed. I told the police but they hardly looked into it But that's she was always a little antisocial. That doesn't mean they don't have to listen. Can you tell me the name of your campus? I'll fly over tonight. I could be there tomorrow morning. Sure. It's the west gate campus I was just calling to let you know, but it's uh, honestly, it's really great to hear someone actually take this seriously

And then she says of course. Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate it. No, honestly, it's me that should be thanking you I've uh, I've done this a few times before but it isn't fun if no one cares I'm sorry. What do you mean? Hello What? uh-huh So he killed you're using sinuating he killed her Is it and or is that another missing?

Huh, let me read the whole thing again. No I think I think it's a bait. It's like a bait and switch. It's bait and switch So he's called an informer. He's the one that he made her missing. Yeah, I just kind of wanted to do that as a Character work that character study. That's where I really was the most fast. Well, this is important to love Lovelace here as a comment. Damn. I expected to the mom to be a baddie. Nice twist No So that was good. That's really good robots 914 says. Oh, shit. It's it's neon temple. Great job

And I really think this is uh, this is really good Well, it seems to be about a video game. Yeah And so Is so that was her that was the girls the missing girls mother Joompah Joompah. She didn't know what she didn't know which which you already was they were already estranged. Yeah They didn't like fucking Sarah. No. Yeah, that's right. Joompah lastly says whoa took me a second But creep me out when I finally got it and then uh married married to pizza It's literally married to pizza. She says I still don't get it

I still I like that. I appreciate that person because they walked away from it and they went like like, huh? That was dumb and then went Whoa Whoa, it's uh, oh, it's him I think it was him. I think it was him because he had tried this series of times before. All right, Marcus All right, this is my last story. It's called dentists bang

Yeah, another teeth story. Well, that's the thing is that this story is kind of a combination between My third story and my second story. Oh, it's got similar themes to both What are I have actually had the past like month? Horrible teeth dreams where my teeth are ripping themselves out of my it's anxiety. That's anxiety your anxiety. Yeah, I'm fantastic This is by Hisham H Hisham H Okay I wake up something's not right

I realized my mouth is wide open. So I try to close it. I can't Oh, my face is numb. I'm drooling all over my pillow. I'm literally slack jawed Maybe I press down on a facial nerve or something. I think to myself I get out of bed a long dribble of spit trails from my bottom lip to the pillow. I probably look like an idiot My teeth itch Wait, what I don't like that. Oh, I don't like that sentence. Yeah, my teeth itch I feel around the inside of my mouth with my tongue. My teeth feel slimy and foreign I rush to the bathroom turn on the lights. Look in the mirror

Look into my gaping mouth My teeth are all brown A sickly modeled rotten looking brown only last night. They were pearly white. How did this happen? Then suddenly a sharp pain shoots through my jaw soon. I feel an icy stab of pain in each tooth It almost feels as if my teeth are wiggling Wait, wait My teeth are wiggling. No I look in the mirror and disbelief as each tooth starts to wiggle and shake in its socket

I can't go through this again, man. I already was four years old once I can't deal with all this shit My gums start to bleed the drool that streams from my mouth is now flecked and streaked with bright red blood I'm too scared to think or do anything I stand there frozen in shock as I keep staring into the mirror with a mixture of pure terror and awe Looking at my vibrating rotting teeth as they dance and jiggle Then the pain peaks in one of my incisors as it cracks

It breaks open revealing brownish mush And something else. I do have these are my dreams. Yeah, I've had these kinds of dreams It's a PSA against chewing tobacco is what it is something that wiggles and falls to the sink I take a closer look. It's some kind of insect Maybe only a centimeter long It starts cleaning itself I I know I you are sucking your own dick there. What are you doing? Yes. Okay. No, so lonely That's not only being a tooth worth

More stabs of pain as I feel molars and canines burst open like overripe fruit I feel them wriggling inside my mouth. I always go camping alone. I never have friends Yeah, I'd say dinner alone. He's always alone. It's cute a bug hammock you have though I hack and cough Splattering the sink and mirror with gobs of brown goo And flecks of rotten enamel and the little things continue to clean themselves like houseflies Rubbing their bodies with their hind legs and cleaning their heads with their forelegs coming off the slime and gunk Cool and as they start crawling up the faucet and mirror to air out their wings. I see them clearly now

They're actually quite beautiful They look like tiny very skinny wasps They have clear wings tinted pink They have huge eyes Gleaming gold and red and their heads are a milky white Their antenna are black their thoraxes and slender abdomens Are pale mauve Dude, this guy's a bug fucker, man. Yeah

Some of them have what appears to be a long thin Wire-like tail metallic blue in color and almost twice as long as the body So I'm just kind of mad because you only think I'm beautiful when I'm wearing makeup When you saw me when I woke up in the morning. That's how that is me. I still want to fuck you I would still want to have sex with you Then it hits me It really is hilarious My laugh causes the little flying gyms to take off in a glittering cloud

I walk back to my bed my ruined mouth Dripping the ruddled remains of my teeth and bloodstained saliva I lift up my pillow I see a small pile of gold coins Oh my god, this is a whole lot of fucking tooth fairy Yes, I'm a lot of tooth fairy But it's metal, dude, it's different It's fucking metal, it's different, dude, it's fucking Giger, dude

Giger tooth fairy, man He fucking got paid. He didn't even want to take giveaway his teeth But they fucking took his teeth and they fucking paid him for it, man Yeah, it's fucking the ultimate arrangement dog and honestly, it's an induction scenario Now that I think about it has there ever been I know uh the rock who was in a movie I think called the tooth fairy, but has there been a true horror movie I'm based upon the phenomenon of the tooth fairy I want to see there must have been there must have been

There needs to be one You know what is an unsung? It's not bad if you fucking are high as fuck Jack in the box One and two Jack in the box It's a horror movie there. It is way better than it has any reason to be Does everyone just die from uh And then it pops up it's about the various scenarios where you get into a position

Or where you have to do that to a box What was the thing that jack in the box poisoned everyone E. Coli See Now there was a tooth fairy 2006 Uh 12 year old Pamela goes on vacation with her family to a bed and breakfast The girl lives next door tells her about the tooth fairy Many years earlier the evil tooth fairy slaughtered a countless number of children And now she has returned to kill Pamela and anyone else who gets in her way

The tooth fairy pursues the victims unrelentingly which leads to a gruesome collection of events Fantastic. All right. I'll meet of course Do you anything that is out there that has been like there's been an easter bunny horror movie? Yeah, they've got to do that shit. It's because you got to pump it out But again, if it's a tooth fairy thing, you don't always add the element Because I'm the tooth fairy in the Santa Claus world also very scary. Absolutely the the whole thing. All right. I believe I wonder you want to close this out here one thing I want to say is number one I want to shout out the writer of moist butt mustard that it's a clock word monkey because I forgot to do that

And I also want to shout out this incredible writing behind this polish Um sexual adventure called slightly overcooked creepy pasta. That's the name. That's a guy who wrote that Um, so I just want to say thank you or it could have been woman. I don't know I just want to say thank you. Um, whatever you are. Maybe a pierogi. Uh, might be. Um, but this next one I really Struggled if I should read this I'm seeing you thumb through it and it looks to be about a novel. It's no, this is short. This is short. Okay It is very short. There's something about this is that like I chose this one this came from Jackie

And I chose this one because the other one I simply could not get through because of what it was doing to My mental state and who and how I felt physically and I'm too hungover to read the other one This one is almost almost worse and the fact that it is not as graphic Um, but Jackie, uh, how did Jackie does her show? She does a twitch show on her on her channel twitch.tv slash. Oh, no It's Jackie. She does like a couple of like more interesting kind of serious style shows and she does one show that's all about her sexuality Right, she does all this I know that she's not a sexless Thing to everybody. Oh, she is sexful. I know. Yes. Oh, wait. There's a browski

so She had to do this thing about they got into a thing about fan fiction or product on the show and she live Happen to stumble across some content that is about the three of us. Oh god I know I know that this is around. I've heard about this has been around for a few years now I I mean, I kind of like it. I haven't read any of it. This is the most horrifying thing I could read It's flattering in a way

I mean if you're I'm sure the person who wrote it is listening right now and thank you for taking time Thank you, but I feel like the thing about the reason why this one is scary is because of how romantic it is. Okay. Yeah Yeah, so let's see how we all feel. Okay. People don't normally put us into romantic situations. We're I get it. You know, yeah, the term is shipping Shipping shipping shipping relation shipping think of it that way. Oh, it's not like slash fiction is like pure like nasty Shit My shipping is lighter. Yeah, this is more. This is the red shoe diaries version. Okay So this is called me was in one of those. This is called first kiss by beach blanket bingo

Oh, okay. Hey dog meat Marcus hears the voice sound from the other living room. Are we getting through this already already already already We're mature enough to do this. All right, because I don't think this is not about gay fear. I'd kiss you if I felt it Yeah, but it honestly is more about I just don't want to have sex with each other Because it'll ruin the business. It'll ruin our lives that way Because we can't we can't have a power imbalance in the triangle. No Well, I mean if we're all inside of each other then it's perfect balance if we're all fucking. Yeah Yeah, but one of us is gonna get left out if I'm ever on a kiss cam and I'm near either of you

Well, Marcus, I'll give you a kiss on the forehead, but I'm gonna Thanks. Yeah, you guys bearded up Yeah, okay Marcus hears the voice sound from the living room much more tentative than Henry usually carries himself Setting the papers down as he was shuffling through the he pads out of the kitchen to catch Henry Then turn a look at him from his seat on the couch. Hmm. Come here Marcus knew that he wasn't seeing things now Henry looked nervous. Hmm stealing himself Marcus walked closer his expression growing even more curious as Henry turns so that He was on his knees the top half of his body half stretched out over the back of a couch

So it's a fun thing. It's me like me. It's a fun thing. Hey, hey, you're jellicle. You're a cat Once he was close enough. He barely had time for a surprise noise to escape him as Henry He grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged him down pressing their lips together in a soft kiss Oh soft, isn't that nice a moment past Long intense before Henry's hand drifted for Marcus's shirt to slide up his neck and settle around the back of his head Tugging him ever so slightly closer. Okay. I'm checking. I'm checking everyone with you. Are you feeling okay? Yeah, I'm fine I'm fine with this. I'm totally fine with this Oh, I know I'm fine with it. I wouldn't say I like it, but I'm fine your tickle a little bit

There's no detail right probably does Something and Marcus broke at the touch. It was soft and uncompletely unlike anything He was used to from this normally boisterous man His his eyes slipped at closed as his own hands fell to land on the back of the couch to keep himself steady So we wouldn't topple over Oh, so we're at fold down. I can see you being a tender lover. I mean, there's nothing crazy about that. Yeah I'm good All right, Marcus could feel the sudden intake of air through Henry's nose as it was then he realized that Harry didn't think he'd kiss back

Wow, I guess that's why you were a little tentative when you called me over. Yeah, yeah, of course But then Marcus, obviously you saw he was playing sexy cat So pulling away just enough to look clearly into Henry's eyes he tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy They were both inches away from each other and they could feel their breasts So is he from each other's lips and Henry's hands still on Marcus's neck his thumb kneading lightly into the muscles there I did the nicorette smell, uh, Henry pungent pungent. Okay. Hey, I've been off it. I've been off it for weeks, man He's okay. No, what was that for Marcus whispered afraid to talk any louder and break the warmth spreading in his chest You watch as he barely there blush bloom than Henry's cheeks almost hidden behind the man's beard

I was worried He starts gazing darting away just for a moment before coming back to land and Marcus again, but if I didn't do it now I'd be too afraid to ever do it Marcus could hear the slight waiver in Henry's voice the anxiety that he must have felt up to this point mounting rising like a tidal wave It's really nice that you were able to explore that side of you though. You're thinking about it Marcus murmured leaning forward pressing his lips to Henry's again eyes and closing Don't think about it Gotta catch phrase in there. All right

I just am happy that you guys I'm 180. That's that was fantastic. It was really good job. You did wonderful. Yeah, that was your previous point though It would ruin the relationship. It would ruin the show because I'm a little pissed off. I wasn't in the story This is what I'm seeing. So now you guys are out there kissing each other You're flirting with Marcus and then Marcus is like, yeah, I'm really into it. Then what are you guys not even thinking about me? No, fuck you guys. No, I mean not really but I mean Ben if you like I do know that there is a really nasty creepypasta with the third Oh, I that was the one like, uh, yeah really my body It felt like uh, it felt like when someone says you can reject a lever

Like when I so when I read I was like this must I cannot See this like I cannot see the words on the page. Well, I hope this actually kind of like, you know, it's nice. Yeah It was sweet. I hope everyone enjoyed this creepypasta. But that's why I'm more, you know, it's creepy about it is the vulnerability Yeah, it really is and isn't that the most sensuous thing of all scariest thing It is the precipice of love the tentative like little gasps of first two people Trying to understand what they are and if this makes us new men or we the same old men we always been this way Absolutely. Well Either way, I think it's fantastic

And I just think that's great and thank you all so much for enjoying this macabre macaroni with us And now again, if you did divorce your husband now, you have to go back and you say we're married. We're married And now you guys can go back to having your relationship Um, of course now that you're all horned up, please go have sex with each other. I want some begos I kind of want a pierogi. Yeah, you should go to karksman at night. Actually, we probably will go to karksman at night I was just thinking that was really good. I'll get myself some of that hunter stew Get myself the fucking meat set get the sampler platter So good get the fucking

Oh god that big old just fucking I love their draw their draft beers. Also fantastic. They have great draft beers So good. Yeah, they got that good Polish draft beer. I love it man. You got none of that shit here, man Well, I know you're all are hungry for content check out our patreon. Nice. It's fantastic And thank you all so much for supporting that and also z2 the comic is out Uh, do you get out there order it yet? It's not out yet, but it's coming out. It's coming out and then soul plumber Soul plumber hardcover collection. It's also apparently going to be offered soon. Mm-hmm. I saw a notice for that Yeah, that would be soon. I don't know when and speaking of patreon We had a great interview with pj. Holden one of the amazing artists that worked on soul plumber

So check out that interview and we have so many if you want to hear two men get taught lessons Check it out Um and again june 18th, we're gonna be at the rhyman theater in Nashville all of lpn is gonna be there It's gonna be a fun ass show. I can't wait to fucking do that and see I don't know what that's gonna be Um, but it's gonna be it's gonna be a bit long to be three hours But you're gonna see everybody so you roll in there You're gonna settle up You're gonna have an intermission so you'll be able to go walk away and get more beers and come back

Oh, so it's gonna be a big old show when it comes just this is a uh This is a lesson that I think all of us have had to learn both of them are in our personal lives And then when it comes to the audience, I've got in text being like we're pre-partying at 8 a.m You know no need so when you come to the rhyman just get drunk start drinking when the show starts And then by the end of it, you'll be nice and loosey goosey 6 p.m 6 p.m If you want to have like a have a couple of beers because if you pre-party at uh 12 hours before the show

You're gonna end up being removed from the show like we've seen it happen Time-time again, and it's not people falling asleep or taking your shirt off and starting to fight. Yeah, or getting into a fight with a cop There's many things many ways many bad ways that that could end. We're getting back to being together It's nice. So good to have that back because for a while even the audiences are kind of hesitant to even just be in the room But now seeing people like So comfortable enough that they can take off their shirts to start the police Honestly, like we're back. We are back. Absolutely. We're in it. And by the way the uh soul plumber Um hardcover will be coming out october 11th

Um, so look forward to that 20 days before our favorite holiday very good october 31st Good you good quick math. Thank you july 4th october 31st my two favorite days. Yeah All right, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Oh, hell game Magus dilation. Oh god I'm so I'm not even sad that I read the first paragraph of that other erotic story. It's so it's not good Yeah for us to see. Yeah, it's like meeting your father in time travel That's how I feel it like I disrupted something that I shouldn't have been a part. Yeah, it's for them Yeah, lock and eyes with your sister and an orgy

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