Last Podcast On The Left - Relaxed Fit: Single-Use Cryptids

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

For every Jersey Devil, there are a hundred if not a thousand sightings of cryptids that are only seen once or twice. These are what we’ve been referring to around the Last Podcast offices as "single-use cryptids", and that is the subject of this week's Relaxed Fit episode.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started You know what I'll say my main drawback of these changing times these unprecedented times I mean every time is unprecedented because it hasn't happened by definition But is it any more unprecedented than what's happening now in these unprecedented times? I would describe these times as more uncertain than unprecedented. I don't know either way. I don't know what the fuck is happening Okay, but one thing that makes me really kind of lament how much has changed over the years. Mm-hmm is that it's You can't just dress up as a clown and scare a bunch of kids anymore because now they say you're a pedophile

You try it yeah, I don't know what happens to you There's plenty of people around that'll call people pedophiles for no reason whatsoever This is what I'm saying back in the day. I think it was more fun to just scare a bunch of kids, right? Because that that was wholesome. It's not about the kids are scary Okay, we see that if we go and scare more of these kids if we scare these kids They will get a more a bigger sense of Imagination about life about what's possible. Yeah, if you show up dressed as a big like Santa Claus, but he's got I mean Santa Claus with no pants on that's a pedophile

I mean anything but with pants on a clown with that, you know Your idea is pretty much based on a clown Hide in a bush pop out of kids now you're a criminal back in the day used to be a fun guy Sure, welcome to last podcast on the left everyone. That's such a good idea Henry I am Ben hanging out with Henry and Marcus as kids suffer with more depression than ever I think that that's a great idea to scare them more now they have to be scared of actual monsters instead of just the the Royaling uncertainty of being alive. Oh, yeah. Well today's episode. This is gonna be fun

I'm not gonna call this a lighter episode because I think this is one of our more intense episodes. It's not False advertising, sir, perhaps don't get me up or disappointments Yeah, the story of Ben. All right everyone today. We are covering rare Cryptids isn't that interesting because aren't cryptids by definition rare you so now we're in the rarest of the rare Technically you are poking a hole in it. Yes, you are poking a hole in the entire concept But it's because what we realize that there are many big-time cryptids, but you know in big capital C cryptids Sure, we should cover those Sometimes you got

Especially when you had a concept for a series that ended up being a lot bigger than it was new you thought it was gonna be sure And you needed to put an episode in between series to make sure you had an episode. How is this different than Pokemon? These are all rare Pokemon But it's still there's a lot of cool meat here because the idea is if you can't dedicate an entire episode to one cryptid because there's not Enough chunks there. It's good to sometimes cover the lesser covered. Oh, yeah Well, let's show some respect to the B team cryptids now when it comes to cryptids one idea concerning their origin is that they're actually interdimensional beings that slip between their home and ours either voluntarily or

Involuntarily that is a horrible Monday if you involuntarily slip between time Just like oh my god, I can't believe I'm in the 1920s right now didn't have this in my 2021 bingo car I hate it. Talk to PKD. It happened to him talk to Carl He'll pay dick again. He had happened to Carl Yunk It happened to fucking um some other piece of shit poet. Nobody cares Blake yeah, Blake Shelton, but either way whether these things slipped through voluntarily or involuntarily They scare the hell out of anyone who sees them and an encounter often But not always results in nausea rashes

vomiting and pink eye according to John Keele in the 8th Tower that is their very atomic Structure of not being able to hold within our dimension Breaking down and then the particles the decaying cryptid particles that come off of them as they disappear give you cancer It also sounds like how you get herpes will eat in a tushy You can then get the herpes there and you can get the pink guy from the you also just get a mouthful of shit That's how well you do Well, mostly I mean the cryptids that cause nausea rashes vomiting pink eye. Those are the big boys the Derek Jeters Yeah, yeah, those are the ones that have entered the collective consciousness of humanity with this

We're talking bigfoot moth man to Cobra Loch Ness monsters so on and so forth Also, we will do a big moth man re-up at some point because people have been asking for it for so long Oh, yeah, but that day. It's not today. Okay But for every Jersey devil there are hundreds if not Thousands of sightings of cryptids that are only seen once twice three times at most Okay, now you're just talking about a lot of people's fathers These are what we've loosely been referring to around the last podcast offices as Single-use cryptids. They're bad for the environment and they need to be banned. Absolutely

Well, they don't know about banning them But indeed they're dangerous Do you think that there's some people that do consider their missing father ecripted and they went ahead and like use plaster to fill out the last footsteps Forever In many ways, isn't that what a Crypto zoologist does with every big-foot mold is that not just a mold trying to fill the hole in their heart their father left We will cover one specific crypto zoologist that is

We followed one of our phenomena quite a bit who laments quite a bit about how he wasted his entire life Yeah, and there's actually a wonderful storyline and like one of the recent storylines in the comic book Department of Truth That really is about how bigfoot can completely and totally destroy a father's relationship with a son But then is it not real? Now the fact that these things are only seen a few times begs the question as to whether these are quote-unquote real creatures hallucinations or just outright fibs from people looking for attention fib alert This is giving an orange on the fib scale. Wow. That's actually a very controversial term for people from Wisconsin They call people from Illinois fibs fucking Illinois bastards. Oh, yeah, yes indeed

Yes, I know Wisconsiners have a little bit of dude sometimes and they would call him fibs fucking Illinois bastards It's a cute thing my grandma used to say. Yeah But when you take easily spotted lies out of the equation you still have two fascinating conclusions That from at least one perspective can appease even the skeptics Hmm see either the human brain is powerful enough to trick itself into seeing something so bizarre that it defies logic it is or Strange otherworldly creatures are slipping in and out of our dimension willy-nilly like seal Whoa, did he sing the song the musician time keeps on sleeping sleeping did he cover that was I think that was Steve Mellor band

I prefer the seal version No, he's got more face scars. Well, he had the kiss from a rose. He had that one Yeah, I actually would declassify seal as the only man who was also a cryptid. I agree Yeah, beautiful man hot hunk and while creatures seen multiple times like the more popular cryptids might point towards Purposeful travel between the dimensions I mean something seen only once or a few times Suggest that maybe this could happen Accidentally and could even happen to any one of us at any time

Whoa, I am waiting for my moment out of time I can't wait because all of my favorite thinkers have had it happen to them Right, and I wonder what time will I end up in in a parallel time to this and how cool will I be in that other time? I think that's really when because I don't think this is my premium time. I think my premium time was 1920s France. Oh Oh, yes, but Bill perhaps the Dada is and I think I would have been at home amongst I wonder if you guys could answer me this what airline would a cryptid take to travel between dimension What spirit airlines Put into a structure

If you showed it to a robot if you showed it to a robot, they would identify that as a joke Now the great thing about these so-called single-use cryptids is that they're almost always Ridiculously strange and none are more bizarre than the sand down clown This is kind of the reason why we did this episode the sand down clown is and down clown is very fucking weird It came out of nowhere, and it is actually completely separate to the actual what they called phantom clown flap of 1981 Documentary this is all about this idea. This is so this is separate from the 1981 Phantom clown flap, which is all of the people who thought they saw various clowns after all of the news broke about John Wayne

Gasey and so there was this rash of sightings of people said of men in clown suits sometimes with no pants pulling up the school saying that Kids come here, which I actually don't doubt I'm sure it happened, and I don't think there's anything phantom about them I actually probably say these are van-based horny clowns They drove vans because the thing is that's how you know it's not a phantom clown because you know the fan The van itself would be more fun if it was a ghost clown, but it's just black vans and kids dying that they dry right? Yeah No, I think it's more people inspired by John Wayne Gasey like that's the clowns are out now. I'm out This guy's barely a fucking clown

This is some kind of weird villain from the interdimensions and also a lot of the stories We're gonna talk about today come from the book the inhumanoids by Barton M. Nunnally So we have that's one source that we have today that I'm gonna be reading Seen only once in May of 1973 by a seven-year-old child and her friend near Lake Common on the Isle of Wight in the UK The Sundown Clown was first reported by the British UFO Research Association a.k.a. Bufoura now you know that this is completely legit because the seven-year-old's friend was actually 55 years old and they were hanging out for quite a bit of time And I don't know what was happening because you know most seven-year-olds they always have one

50-year-old friend that's not related to the family. Yeah, Bufoura sounds like a makeup line for pigs So 4bm on a Tuesday a girl named Faye and an unnamed friend a little boy heard a wailing noise that sounded to them like an Ambulance siren That's unnerving yeah, it could be allowed to It's very loud yeah very loud by their reckoning the sound was coming from the other side of the nearby golf course So the kids followed the noise across the links to a swampy meadow past the seldom used Sandown airport. Yeah, man, cuz it's another UK airport middle of the fucking swamp. Mm-hmm Once they arrived in a spot where the whaling was coming from the noise suddenly stopped

Still in the mood for exploring the children crossed a wooden footbridge over a narrow brook And that's when they saw a baffling figure This creature seemed to be made partly of wood Oh partly of mechanics and partly of flesh and the whole package added up to what appeared to be a Seven-foot tall clown that from sketches done later somewhat resembled a Hopi Kachina doll They are really it is really really strange looking here. I'll show you what a Hopi Kachina doll Looks like Kissel so you could see what the hell this bullshit was Oh my all my southwest people, you know what a fucking Kachina doll. Yeah, of course they do. It's very cool

I mean not something you want to roll over and see when you're a child sleeping in your bed, but oh Man when I was a kid all I ever wanted was a Kachina doll because they're really fucking expensive Are they always go to yeah, we'd always go to them because they're handmade by the actual tribes No, I'm gonna get one now. Yeah, but yeah, when I was a kid the only thing I wanted was one of those creepy-ass fucking Kachina dolls Yeah, what a conversation your parents must have had about you? Which is one of those where they knew he was different and at some point if you didn't leave Texas by the time He was 18 he probably get beaten to death and some strip bar Well the age they did they extended it to 21, but boy howdy when that happened it fucking

I won't let out of that place. Oh, yeah From what the kids could tell this clown was fumbling around with a book and kept dropping it in the water Unable to control its limbs or fingers all that well Once the clown finally secured the book it retreated to a windowless metallic hut by moving in a strange hopping motion With its knees raised Oh, it just wants to read its little book Somewhat puzzled but totally unfazed by the bizarre sight the kids wandered about 50 yards away at which point the siren like wailing began again They gotta get out of here

Yeah, the kids turned and saw the same clown figure except now the clown was paying attention to them and it was holding a black Microphone yeah, it's a fucking comedian. Oh my god. This is horrible open Mike Cryptids Problem with abortions I say rip the baby out Quite humorous there He would say What airline do ghosts fly Spirit airline and then they just tear him apart the audience fucking sets him on fire

It ain't easy being a cryptid at the Apollo. No now at this point The boy was losing his nerve and almost ran away, but the figure since and he was losing his audience No stopped wailing and spoken to the microphone. He said quote Hello Hello You still there. Yeah. Yeah, we're hey there kids. Yeah, it's funny. I got you back. I got you back We are ready to go Jenner. No, listen to me. Jenner was running for wreak all of governor Now as opposed to the unsettling siren like wailing the tone of the clown's question was friendly

So the children ventured closer Once they were close enough they could make out more features They later said the creature had no neck and its head was too large for its body And it seemed to be wedged into his shoulders. It seemed to be constructed. Yeah It's like a robot like kind of like return-to-oughts Very scary show movie that is a top that head was a yellow pointed hat topped with a black knob And on either side of that hat were wooden antenna and it looked like under the hat They could see brown hair sticking out from beneath the lid. It's died. I was born a blonde

Typical just a liar The hat interlocked with the red collar of a flowy green shirt and That framed the creature's paper white face Triangular eyes brown square nose and yellow motionless lips. I'm closer children. Nothing frightening about me Popular clown here in the swamp Hey, you can hear the frogs. Well, I'm at every fucking minute of my material Caitlyn Jenner That's a joke. It's just a tone of voice. Yeah, absolutely. You nailed it. Yeah, you're telling people that it's time to laugh

So Caitlyn Jenner, can you believe first day as a woman killed somebody driving? Powerful stuff here. It's For limbs the creature had wooden slats which protruded from his sleeves and pant legs The arm slats ended with three usable fingers covered by a pair of blue gloves While the feet which were both bare were made up of just three long toes I don't want to deal with this shit, man. All right. I was just looking around the swamp. I'm a fifth-year-old man This is my seven-year-old child that I'm grooming. I'm just trying to have a nice time in this one Okay, I don't want to deal with you. Well, it's better than dinner on a show. You know what actually got me

I had nothing to do after I molested this kid. We might as well sit and watch some stand-up comedy. Very good Now the children were wary but unafraid especially Faye So the clown pulled out a notebook so he could communicate He wrote the words hello, and I am all colors Sam But the words were written out of order and the clown pointed to them one by one in order for Faye to read them allowed Into a message that made sense But what is the message that makes sense out of those words? He's all colors. I am all colors. Hello, Sam You don't know who Sam is Sam. Hello, and I am all colors or is it hello. I am all colors Sam

Hello, and I am all colors Sam or is it hello. I am Sam all colors And it's how you say it. You're the dog man He pointed to each word like he pointed a hello then he pointed to and then he pointed to I then am then all then colors Then Sam. He's Sam. Oh, he's Sam. I think yeah, Sam. Wow, okay, and he's all colors He's got all of them. He's all colors because he might have written like all hello and am I Sam colors But then he pointed them all out in the order so she knew what the message was Okay, sounds like this documentary I was watching about PCP use and it was like this one guy who's trying to see how PCP was good for him

And he talks like that All of the words are out of order and literally the host basically said like well if you really take some of those words and switch Them around you could really see how PCP really helped him. Isn't that nice? Maybe it helped him. I don't know Once the kids got a little closer They found that the creature could speak without the microphone But the creature's yellow lips didn't move when he spoke Now while the boy was becoming a little unnerved Faye and the clown became pretty comfortable with each other and began a real conversation

Sit down on my love seat. Geez. I have a love seat in the swamp. Every young girl needs to watch Frankenstein They need to realize the monster is a monster I know that you're cute and you think that you can win them over with your unbelievable ability To charm all because you're so innocent and wonderful, but we're dealing with demons here She already charmed that 50 year old man. We took her out to the swamp. Stop it is Do we she is with a peer Henry's a brass? Yes? Are you so obsessed with old men molesting? Technically Henry and I were talking about the amount of pedophilia within the entertainment industry and Marcus did scold us

But then we did pass Sandusky, Ohio And then we also passed the home of Jeffrey Epstein when going to Ohio and then we did say Marcus Are we not on to something? No, I said I it's fine. I understand that it happens I just wanted the two of you to stop talking about it all the time Well because of this clown's somewhat unsettling appearance Faye asked him are you really a man and he chuckled and said no No, I am a comedian. Oh my god. I never asked a comedian if he's old if he's really a man because then he turns into really a killer She then asked if he was a ghost and he said quote well not really, but I am in an odd sort of way

When they asked him to just tell them what he was he said. Oh, you know What I have no idea It is not my job to teach you what I Are there is no research Now even though the clown had seemingly introduced himself as Sam earlier He told the children that he had no name in addition He said that there were others like himself and as he drew pictures of others like himself He said that his people were afraid of humans very submissive and

Unwilling to fight back if provoked. Oh great. So I can peg this half fucking skin wood metal man Yes, you can definitely fuck this skin wood metal man's wife in front of him and he'd love it. Wow ghost cook ghost cook The clown then invited the children into his windowless metallic two-level hut come inside of my studio apartment $4,800 I have a futon. I don't sleep in it. I sleep on the toilet Wow the jokes keep on coming They saw inside an oddly normal interior The lower level had blue green wallpaper and was sparsely adorned with wooden furniture and an electric heater while the upper part was less

Spacious, but had a metallic floor. I just meant you went up metal room would smell like with the metal floor and stuff Who would you smell like blood? Yeah, it'll smell like when we're in the when the morgue smells at the morgue. Yeah For the next half hour Sam the Nameless Clown told them about his day-to-day. It can't be Marcus It can't be Sam the Nameless Clown. Yeah, I mean it has to how else do you? Is that not the contradictory nature of the cryptid itself sir because the cryptid did tell them his name was Sam But then he also told them that he had no name therefore Sam the Nameless Clown is Accurate it does world you are the master You guess what man? You are your name. Are you your name is what you're called, but you're not Benjamin Grant Kissel

I am though you are an entity US government would refer to whatever but at the same time That's just your label, dude. You are you you're an independent flame. Well, I can't explain It's hard I've tried to yeah, no Ben you are your aura my friend what surrounds your body You are what you are You're a figment of my imagination you next time I get a speeding ticket I'm just gonna let him know my name is not what it is and I am not my name And then they're just gonna beat the living fuck out of me in LA You can get out of a speeding ticket one time with a warning by explaining how you are not your name and letters are all made up

Because they understand this is Los Angeles the Cora, please I know I know LA Well, he told him pretty much his day today He explained that he ate welled berries that he collected each afternoon Oh, and he drank river water from the nearby stream after he'd cleaned it up. You pissing it first You then started doing magic tricks by placing a berry in his ear Thrusting his head forward and causing the berry to reappear in one of his eye sockets scream and run out of there That's kind of cool actually that's nice about the tangible minds of children as that they can see these things and just go

You're funny Sam the name was At least he's performing here finally. We're getting some good jokes once in the socket The clown finished the trick by landing the berry in his mouth and we chomped it up Look at that. I love it Sam also mentioned that he had a camp in the mainland off the Isle of Wight But he didn't give any more information as to where exactly in England it was or why he would need to travel from the Isle To the mainland it's business. It's my business apartment, but I don't tell people I live there because then I'll be mobbed by fans So by 4 30 p.m. Faye and her friend finally said goodbye to Sam and left the hut

And they left it totally unharmed from what we can tell okay after they left they told the first person they ran into What had happened? Yeah, we had made a friend with a giant metal clown in the swamp Yes, you met Sam, huh? He's great. That's not his name though. This man was the groundskeeper at the local golf course and Instead of being concerned about the possibility that someone dressed as a clown was inviting children into a ramshackle Metal structure for conversation in the swamp The groundskeeper just laughed and said oh somebody's probably just buying dress up get out of here kids It's probably my uncle Tim, my uncle he wants to get out there and they sit in his clown outfit new pants there

That's technically Matt groaning from the Simpsons. You owe him $150 Now Faye told nobody else about their encounter with the clown creature for weeks But she finally confided in her father known in before a literature Only as mr. Y to protect the identity of the family Now while mr. Y found the story Unbelievable at first he was intrigued that his daughter could recall the entire encounter with such detailed Insurgency and she told it the same way time after time Time after time. I love Cindy Lopper. We all do if you don't like Cindy Lopper

You're there's something wrong with your asshole. Yes I Do agree the ultimate cryptid Cindy Lopper Now the boy who was with Faye wasn't quite as jazzed about the experience as Faye was he was the opposite of jazz Which is traumatized And when mr. Y tried speaking with him to confirm the story the boy was mostly Uncommunicative but mr. Y was able to get a description of the creature from the boy which more or less matched his daughter's description Eventually mr. Y returned to Lake Common to see if he could find the metal hut

But of course he found no remnant of the creature if he could I would be disappointed You're you know, I mean like this type of moment this type of break in reality if it is indeed real It should only be savored once because the whole point dog meat Tissue is that if you go searching for the supposed proof the empirical proof of these beings You're missing the entire point of an anomalous experience friend Which is about sitting and enjoying the present and being in the gray. So I'm not knowing so happy you finally accepted You're never gonna see an alien And now you're just desperately trying to pretend like that's okay

To get my feeling It's really more just about the sitting and the looking I have this trophy for you. That's the rationalization of the year 2021 I actually thought I was gonna win for letting myself go bald because I think it would get me more character actor work You let yourself go. Yeah, I'm letting it happen Eventually Mr. Weiss surmised that they had probably been taken into a bubble of alien reality created by the clown creature Yeah, and the creature had simply taken the form of something the kids would be comfortable with you know a clown

Yeah, like when I saw the big Lebowski when I was no boss kids are fucking So the kids created a meat metal woodman to be comfortable. Yeah You have to remember toys in the UK were very different than the toys in America in America We had a little bit more like I think we had more spin on our toys and a little bit more 1973 that's a really rough time in the UK really fucking Yeah, but it would just be like a wood cylinder and they'd be like make something up Yeah, that's something with you. I don't know it's already pregnant with four wife All right, she's got four even a fucking guy. All right. She's gonna spread her open when she comes out of it

Oh, I've got I got factory feet. Oh Well, you can do a lot with a brick. It can be a car. It can be a boat. It could be a stop for the door Yeah, well, Mr. Why came to this alien reality bubble conclusion after his daughter told him that during the whole encounter Oh to workmen we're nearby repairing a post and Neither one of them paid the least bit of attention to the bizarre creature known as the sand down clown Who has not been seen since that day in 1973 I don't know if he can possibly

Underestimate the ability of workers to not care about a thing. They're not being paid to handle I agree and how you can just really ignore quite a bit. You have to that's part of the job Yes, just looking forward looking forward blinders on sand down clown scariest clown perhaps we've ever covered I mean John Wayne Gacy This is actually a little bit similar to the story of walking screaming Scarecrow's which is also has only been seen about once or twice But this is a this is in Corona. I believe which is Corona, New Mexico. Yes, this is in Corona, New Mexico

So this isn't a warm spring night Corona, New Mexico for if you will remember that's what Stanton Friedman says that that's what Roswell should actually be called the Corona incident because the Roswell aliens actually crashed near Corona and not Roswell, Roswell is just where the paper was and Stanton Friedman is allowed to have his um actually moment because he Perfectionally wore suspenders. Yes So he's allowed to be that kind of sending because he needed Suspenders to wear any sort of pants. I'm at least at the point where my pants still hold up I won't reach full knowledge until my pants cannot stand up

Once you're delivered the honorary suspenders, then you'll be able to really let us know what you think. Yeah, let me ask you Henry, is that an egg-shaped man thing where you can't wear belts anymore? Yes Well because then you have to choose whether or not you want the belt to be tight and stick into your guts Which is where I am at or you want to be a person that wants to slide the belt under your belly So that you can wear a size 30 belt So it clings to just what is left of your hips, which is this just point skeletal like it deserves They're just ornamental um or suspenders

So you look like a mayor that's this story happened in the mid-80s in Corona, New Mexico. Okay. This is screaming Scarecrow's Dave Wilson and Tom McKelvie. They decided to take a shortcut through the Levin groves, right? They were late for an engagement. You know how teenagers are always late for an engagement How is cutting through a field ever faster than taking a paved road? It's just fun. They say that it's a shortcut, but it's just fun to walk through a field. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, right They were late for an engagement. There was a full moon They were going along in a pretty good clip when Dave thought he saw something ahead of them because they were driving They're in a truck through a field. Oh driving through the truck. They're going trucking. They're going muddin

They climbed out of their truck as the dust settled around them flashing the spotlight in a wide arc through the trees They noticed movement and aim the light in an area about 75 feet in front of them. Oh cryptid shining Yes, but an into their utter shock this entity with shaggy gray hair emerged from the trees Now this is what how they described him. It must have been nine feet tall It had a scarecrow head real around and had no neck and really gaping eyes His front teeth pointed outwards and it had would look like claws. They said then the creature made a metallic screech a And then it lurks to one side It sounds like a starving bear

The teenager scrambled back into the vehicle and rammed it into reverse and peeled out coming to a spinning stop some 70 yards away Glancing in the rearview mirror Dave saw the creature eyes Bulging still coming fast But the thing about these creatures is they said the same thing with the other walking scarecrow is that their legs Don't bend that they walk in Harky jerky Jerky really we are getting very close to gay erotica territory That's what I was gonna ask is that first you said that the eyes were gaping and then you said that the eyes were bulging

Which is it gaping or bulging if they put both in parentheses? Bulging would infer that there is a massive bulge in the eye, but a gape would infer There's no eye whatsoever. It's just a massive hole It's just really parentheses gaping close parentheses parentheses bulging close parentheses eyes That's like saying somebody's big bdi. I think they probably said curse words or slurs that we don't understand They don't even hold anymore. They don't like there's like old stereotypes. So we don't even understand We're not holding this book to the fire. No This is my man named Barton Nunnally

All right, this man had to punish that he had to publish this himself Okay, and that's so that's one of these there's several stories of these scarecrows being seen but again field-based swamp-based I think it looks like a scarecrow pops out of it. It goes Very jerky walks everybody screams and runs remember when we did the story remember when we did Jonestown and So that research in there and five six parts. I think and it was like people actually cited They cited in their research papers We know these moments. I just don't know what today is. I'm not sure what the show is anymore to be honest

His whole life on this actually technically Ben. We're regressing right now. Oh, that's what we're doing That's why yeah, we're regressing way back to like ten years Yeah sliding back to like episode 107 108 like we're just to go Yes, we're pulling it back in pulling the guts back in the body Yeah, man, it shows that we don't we didn't ever really change should we boys? That's right Yeah, we might look a little older and I let my hair go But we together as a triad are stronger than ever. Sure. Yes, that's true. Try to let rest. That's right Now our next cryptid today has been seen much more than just once

But it still fits the postulation that these creatures are slipping in and out of our dimension But this one like many of the others will discuss later seems oddly in between human And animal that's what people even say about us. But look at us. I'll show you I'm a human being I'll show you my butt. Sure. Now. I believe we've already talked about this creature at some point in the past I think it was on one of our early adult swim live streams But in the context of this episode the story of the lizard man of scape or swamp bears repeating So on June 29th 1988 a 17 year old named christopher davis was driving home from work in the early morning

When he blew a tire near the edge of the scape or swamp near bishop bill, south caroline Uh, hello, my name is a tire Save it we got live shows this weekend, right? We need to fucking burn through this shit now. All right wait till we get to stage this weekend He got out of the car and changed the tire, but just as he was finishing up. He heard the thumping sound of something Rapidly approaching no Christopher turned and out of the darkness came a seven foot tall scaly green Bipedal lizard with three black clawed fingers and glowing red eyes

I love red dead redemption too. Also. I'm just going to point this out A lot of height shaming going on today guys There's no height shaming cryptids. Where is the little troll cryptids? I've asked about doing tiny creatures, which we did gnomes once and we will eventually do because there is a whole chapter in the Inhumanoids on here suits small creatures So we can actually do quite a bit I mean we are Most of the creatures we're talking about will be seven feet tall

I do have a little I have a couple of little ones for you coming up later So you won't feel too bad, but it's just i'm sorry ben most cryptids are Gigantic, they're either tall. They're very very tall. That's how they are seen over reads Well, and of course that would be because they're intergalactic and the gravity changes so they would be taller now, wouldn't that You know what? That's the first fucking point made today. Absolutely What's extremely odd about the lizard man or lizard man? Is that they seem to have a particular aversion towards automobiles? And as a result don't really pay much attention to human beings

Now this is a great topic on coast to coast. They are if you look up lizard man There's a lot of lizard man coverage in coast to coast they am and you know why is because george nori cannot physically understand Why lizard men hate cars? Because he is he's stuck on this and this whole time you're like, I don't understand These lizard men could go so much farther than south carolina if they have themselves some form of vehicle Why do you think they're scared of is it because fords are fixer of air daily? Yeah, but he went he did he's very mad and then most of the people say this and there was one cryptid hunter on

Coast to coast am whose main thing is like can you even imagine how many lizard men must have been mauled and hurt by Traveling vehicles sure because when it comes down to it, they're skittish. You're more scared of us than them And they shouldn't be because they're scary And we're not right. Well cars are very scary for a lizard man or they say lizard men get clipped by cards Yeah, they say that they take their rage out On these cars because they've been clipped by them all the time. I believe it When christopher davis saw this creature he jumped in his car and tried escaping But before he could take off the lizard man attacked the vehicle by ripping off the mirror and gouging the roof

I mean imagine if you are a creature that is slipped in from another dimension You keep getting hit by cars and killed by cars. You don't know what a car is so you just keep attacking the car You think the car is your natural enemy? You don't know that the little thing inside is actually the thing that you should kill Honestly, a car is just a cryptid kinder egg. You tear it open and then you get your little prize on the inside Screaming a little meat nerd. It's like a big plan. Play with the person like they're a bicycle and Well, Jurassic Park Rex has the moment where it starts attacking the car like it's a person

And versus like like as an animal it fell and tyrannosaurus rex was just so upset because it couldn't touch its own balls Well, christopher did get away without any further damage But that summer multiple cars in the vicinity of that swamp were vandalized with ripped fenders deep scratches and bent antenna Amongst more destruction I will give credit to some of the crypto hunters on coast to coastam because george nori does and he never does this But he did pose a question. Now. Maybe there's some form of natural explanation for these lizard man Oh, I don't need some form of dinosaur caught in a time machine, you know We used to do the same thing when we were just like teenagers we used to rip stuff off of cars and stuff

No, no, only lizards can do this. Oh And but the where's one broken Crypto hunter who was like that's an interesting question george about whether or not it could be a natural phenomenon Because the one thing I will say and I will I will duly blame and so we got a highway run through here You don't know what comes off these circus trucks These cryptozoologists are so afraid of the circus They blame the circus they're like, you know these circus, you know one of these creatures come up on one of these circus These circus trains come up up in there. These circus don't report it. These circus don't report it

They don't report it. They're felons. No, because when come down to yeah circus it there Just slide me a con man coming around here telling you what your weight is. I'll tell you what my weight is I'll tell you what y'all is that all you think that's a big lady Oh, this ain't bigger than my hand Tom. Uh, yeah, you can put a beard on anyone. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah No, remember we were uh, what was the one that we were that we did the live show uh, bit on many years ago Where the the fucking the goat axe the axe with the gigantic goat Yes, the whole thing was that it escaped from the the a lightning storm had like a big fucking at thunderbolt Had struck this fucking train the circus train

And now this creature is hanging around underneath this bridge killing teenagers for the next 30 years But the way that this cryptozoologist talked about circuses is if he survived something wicked this way comes When he was so scared of the circus, he's like he ain't got no rules You know, they live their everyday jobs and they run out and out and they're spinning on poles Some of these people going there they were wearing nothing. We're in a bikini jumping on top of a horse instead of being an accountant Trying to say I I don't have a real job. Just because I wanted to go because I wanted to go I want them to flip upside down. I think there's a living There's a lot of people with the vendetta against the circus for one reason or another

Maybe they lost a family member Maybe they wanted to be a carny and were rejected because they were too sober You actually have to be very skilled to join the circus. I know honestly, please god Please be skilled if you are running any amusement park ride. Oh, yeah I don't think they are though. No, they're no be very careful on those. No, no, we were in kennywood and every employee Honestly at the most was 13 years old. Yeah. Yeah, same a cony island, but I trust the kids at cony for some reason I don't know for some reason Because they've been raised watching the coaster go. They should know how to work it, right? They're just there on the boardwalk

You know, they've absorbed all of this information. Yeah Well in one lizard man case a couple of weeks after christopher's encounter a couple reported that their car was covered in teeth marks and scratches And when police investigated they found some hair And a muddy three-toed footprint Now the lizard man or lizard men they laid low for about 20 years. How about lizard women? I mean, that's true. Sure lizard people. They could actually change sex really easily if they are an amphibian So it should actually be a lizard person. You've answered your own question. Yep. I did didn't I? Good work. Like fucking Ted talk. Good work

They also might have just returned to where they came from for 20 years But in 2008 a woman named Dixie Rawlson walked out one morning from her house to find that the front half of her van Was chewed up by some obviously large creature. I know this was my ex-husband Steve Does he eat a lot of cars? I know what he tried to do. Blaming it on lizards Something had bitten through the front grille both sides of the van above the wheel whales were bitten as well And the metal trim was bent as if it was made of nothing stronger than paper This woman also reported a trail of blood and according to her report A good number of her 20 cats were missing nine is a good number

Okay That's a good number seven because if it's nine it's almost half my cats is gone But yeah, good number. That's a good number. I'd go five to seven. Yeah, five to seven This four isn't a good number a small number. Yeah, five to seven. Why don't you hit 20 cats? Are you even counting at some point? I would imagine that I would have counted the same cat three or four times. Yeah, I can't tell him a part too often Well seven years later a different woman claimed to have gotten a picture of the lizard man But that picture is almost certainly a fake

This somewhat famous picture shows a confident muscular particularly rubbery lizard man Striding through a clearing in a wooden area like he's got the fucking biggest dick in town He might he might he could I will say I've you know what I saw that was actually pretty realistic was a drawing of that picture Oh It's actually much more realistic than the picture itself fantastic Well, the woman claimed that she took the picture when she was leaving church I suppose trying to lend jesus to her honesty a lot of the picture is fun. It's also obviously a humbug The h-word yeah, and speaking of having fun with the lizard man in 2017

The South Carolina emergency management division tweeted a warning about the upcoming solar eclipse They said paranormal activity increases during solar events. It's so cute. We don't know. We don't know. That's so cute I love it when the government makes funny little jokes It's like they said maybe there's a lizard man that they may be they're more active during solar I don't know. No, it's so funny. Maybe they are but they're advising the residents to remain vigilant against the car munchers It's so funny. It's like drop bears It's so funny Do you know that 45 grand spends you spend each year on the fake tracking of santa claus at christmas?

That's taxpayer money. Yeah, so okay 45 grand, huh? I think we just make it up. I don't know if they're really looking for him or not Yeah, I think it would be irresponsible if they were using harp. Oh, we would have shot him down in many many years I mean we're already testing out the lecture magnetic rays that we're using to maybe knock down orbs Out of the sky right now, which is actually probably what happened at roswell as well to bring that all the way full service. Okay One interesting thing about the lizard man, which is why I think she took the picture of it outside of church Or says she did or connected it to church is that there are a lot of people in the area

That view lizard man and things like lizards as a or a walking lizard an upright Lizard or whatever you however they want to call it as an example that satan still watched satan still walks the earth And that that is an example Of them using that's an example that satan is still strong enough to physically manifest On to planet earth and that actually the whole lizard man thing has this strange Biblical side to it where they they talk about it as if it's a harbinger of bad things to come Or that it literally lizard man might eat your pussy and turn you into a satanist, which he might I don't know what it'll do

Wait, so why what does god have to do with him attacking cars and satan satan hates cars Does satan not like cars? Yeah, holy fucking shit satan doesn't like cars. Yeah, you're gonna have to give him your car then buddy I think he doesn't like speed Okay, slow you're here for a while But they connected also to the idea of the reptilian aliens and how the reptilian aliens if they are real right the idea They feed off of negative energy and the constant division about whether or not our Aliens angels are aliens demons and they use that to kind of say this because they they kind of lump lizard man into this kind of pan

pseudo religious idea that cryptids are demons I mean the nice thing is you can make it all up. You can make up anything You can just say anything you want So that's great. That is fun. Isn't that nice? Now one of the things that I often hear people lamenting is that these sorts of encounters seem to be in the past That sightings and weird shit don't happen anywhere near as much as they used to But with just a little bit of googling and mostly with the site phantomsandmonsters.com I found that people are still seeing weird shit all over america almost every single day

And much of it is entirely unique Well last year during the height of the quarantine we talked with our buddy john tenney Who talked about one of the weird anomalous things that he was hearing reported quite a bit was those floating hairy squares In detroit as a matter of fact, I believe yeah multiple people from different areas who had not talked to it with one another It's covered in hair Floating through and in my mind there's you know, is that ball lightning? And is the hair something that just kind of static or is this new fangled now or america's

Finally accepted obsession with orbs. Hmm. Who knows? One person in tennessee said that his father was transporting some goods through mont eagle Why did you make goods sound nefarious? Because he just said goods in air quotes as if it's it's just corn Because you'd say corn if it was corn. Yeah, when you say goods It's it's purposefully vague and I don't trust purposefully vague when it comes to transportation of goods Yeah, it's women in a u-haul. Wow. All right But this guy's father said that he saw something that night that quote

Rubbed him the wrong way. I hate that In the middle of the night, this goods transporter saw a cat-like creature with abnormally long legs and a short torso They're gonna get jackson galaxy out there I won't be tamed It had a notably ugly face And was sitting on a brick wall on the side of the road perched feet flat knees bent. I'm just living my life Yeah, I'm a little hating on me. I don't leave it let alone if it's life. Come on, I understand people like me I don't the creature was at least four feet tall and while it had a body like an animal

its face was human-like But unsettlingly deformed or what do you want for me, right? You want to be more cat-like and you know, I would be fine because I'm human-like. I'm deformed. Is that what you see? I'm actually fine. I think you're super cute cat weird thing No, I don't think you're that cute. Please don't cat. I'm more human-like than cat. No, you're not you're still warming cat I'm not gonna fuck you. Yeah, don't fuck the cat remember No, I do remember that was a test Similarly two people in northern california saw a creature with animal-like features

But like the creature in tennessee, the whole package was put together in a bizarrely random and uncanny way I love mixed matched animals. I love them. This is my favorite part of like cryptids is that stuff or it's just like I don't know what happened in between dimensions. Yeah, they all just get scrambled up. Yeah A whole bunch of horrible horrible taxidermy Okay These people said that they were on deliveries when they saw a creature near a disused Rail yard at about 11 o'clock at night This odd creature

Waste high with the features of a cat or a rabbit something in between Was standing on a trashed out boxcar Once it was noticed it quickly skittered off on two hind legs It's a little cabin That and even more unsettling was its face The face was extremely round Unsettlingly round What's with the round?

I know but it sounds just like thomas the tank engine. I know he's fake man If I saw a fucking talking train, I'd become a domestic terrorist. Yeah And like the creature in tennessee This creature wasn't quite human, but it wasn't quite animal either Hmm. Now these stories are mostly of what we'd call the witness of the weird type. It's where someone sees something strange But they have no real interaction with the creature. Oh, let's call it the kato incident. Yes Something weird. I'm not I didn't see nothing though. Something's going on in the front yard. Oh, bag of sleep Gonna be audition tomorrow

He's the best roommate in the world. Kato is an incredible I mean honestly kind of One story from texas though featured unidentified creatures who were very much in play with reality In an account forwarded to lawn strickler of phantoms and monsters A man claimed that he and his girlfriend were on a week-long excursion into the northeast texas woods Most likely the same stretch of thick forest that runs into folk monster territory There's a lot of thick forests here and not just in the pants of these cryptozoologists It's out there in america and that's where they hide. They just named lawn

Is is is his brother driveway? I don't know what lawn chaney. What about lawn chaney? It's very famous Don't let's just roll past. Let's move forward. Let's move forward. It's short for lawn arm That doesn't make any sense. It's lol. Oh, I see. I thought it was lawn What is this sister fucking a mailbox? She's pointing out random things in your driveway This couple wildly overarmed with a 223 bolt action rifle a chorus judge revolver and a nine millimeter baby desert eagle

It's america, dude Yeah, man. I mean, this is like northwest texas. This is where texas meets arkansas This is one of the worst places around this shit is it all smells like farts because there's paper mills everywhere Yeah, no, it smells. Yeah, it's a creepy creepy fucking part of america Yeah, there's a paper mill town near stevens point where I grew up and you could smell it No joke probably 10 miles out. You had to roll up the windows. Yeah, peri florida same thing The houses were extremely cheap It's almost like you have to live next to fucking a

A farts smell. Yep, just in the air and brown clouds and then it's fine Six bedroom 200 grand literally cheaper than that Well armed with these three Gigantic guns the couple sojourned into the wilderness with an australian cattle dog named wrangler And a german shepherd named zero That's okay, and they're going deep deep into the woods. They're like on a five day hike here This is some intense hike and camping shit. Did they name zero after the dog from nightmare before christmas? Isn't that isn't zero the ghost dog?

I just assume it was named after the japanese airplane that was used to as as human bullets against our boys during world war two Now the trip started off fine But as the couple settled into their second campsite deep into the forest They began to feel a presence Now on the first night there they felt nothing more than a tenseness from the dogs which the couple figured was probably just from a pack of harmless coyotes On the second night though the couple heard a snarling gargling sniffing sound out in the darkness That was like nothing they'd ever heard before

Just a little couple Sorry just driving here They swept the perimeter but found no sign of any kind of animal they recognized so again They went to sleep in about nine animals. I didn't recognize On the third night though the guy went to sleep before his girlfriend But he was woken up by the sound of dogs barking and when the guy opened his eyes He saw his girlfriend standing there with her gigantic revolver drawn Apparently something had rapidly ran behind the tent and as she struggled to describe what it was

It ran by again It was fast But all the boyfriend could make out was that it was very big and ran on all fours Much too big and fast to be a coyote Cool Then the gurgling noise came back and it became obvious that whatever this creature was It wasn't alone Suddenly Wrangler the dog broke and gave chase the dog was gone for an hour

Then the girlfriend heard a rustle She drew her gigantic revolver and fired into the brush Thankfully it wasn't the dog Thankfully But when the dog did come out of the brush it had blood on its back Presumably from a small roll around with a wounded creature and the fucking the revolver judge. This is a gigantic Fucking bullet huge huge bullet And this creature had survived getting hit by one of those bullets

And after that the couple decided to leave the next morning, but they still had a two-day hike back to civilization From what they said these creatures followed them the entire time Sticking to their sides about 40 yards away always just out of sight The creatures stopped when they stopped and started when the couple started and from what the couple could hear There were at least three of these creatures following them Whenever once on they'd fire a gun out there and the creatures would skid it away, but then they'd come back Could be hogs could be hogs. No hogs don't stalk you like that. Hogs are nocturnal creatures They won't stalk you during the day. They won't hogs get a taste for human flesh

I mean honestly, do hogs think that human flesh takes like hog flesh? Do they eat humans do they? No Well, they're dead. If you fed them if you fed a hog. Well, that happened in that movie Hannibal and in robber picked it Yeah, if you're dead, they will probably they will eat your body, but they're not going to attack you and kill you And eat you I thought that there was a problem with the what the wild hog inspires in parts of their dangerous Oh, yeah, they're very dangerous. They'll gorya. They'll run you down. They'll trample you But they're not going to they're not trying to kill you and eat you. Okay. Yeah Now the couple made it out just fine, but they returned the next day on four wheelers with more people to see if they could find

Evidence of these aggressive beasts and as it turned out they did Once they got to the second camp they found a blood trail from where the girlfriend had shot the beast But the blood dried up after about a 200 yard trail The search party found nothing else and retreated from the wilderness before the dark caught them again It's fucking creepy, dude. Cool. Yeah, you can be scared, man. That's why I don't go fucking. I don't go camping You know what's out there. Fuck that shit. Well, that was extreme camping. There were two days walk away from a lot of guns We don't we can go camping I don't know man. We can go camping and it's fine. We can go to a site or something like that

Yeah, I want to go to a place where there's no rustlers or the only rustlers me Yeah, I'm the rustler. You can be the wrangler You know, what's a fun thing to look up that I was I got into because of the humanoids There is a branch of cryptid called skeletoids That are fun as hell that I actually didn't know existed, but it's people seeing living skeletons It might just be junkies It could be but it could also be skeletons that live and I thought marcus would be really interested in a couple of these stories That's great. Are they just so do they have eyeballs? Are they skeletons with eyeballs? Listen to this one?

I really like this story. Yeah, my favorite skeletons have eyeballs Now this happened in ohai, california in the 1950s terrified witnesses had reported sightings of a hideous Inhumanoid creature near creek road bridge just south of ohai The monster looked like a horribly burned man witnesses claimed Maybe it was just a horribly burned man To just someone in need of help No, okay It's strips of burn flash hanging from his exposed skull. They called him char man

Maybe they should have brought him to the hospital No, okay. He's like that guy. It's like that guy at the end of beetle juice. Yes. Oh, yeah Yes, that way not a indefinitely not a real victim of fires Char man is he's the horrible entity that he came to be called He was seen by several witnesses and came to be considered a local specter before he disappeared into the area completely char man experienced apparently they found him Digging himself out of a hole

Where he was all char man screaming and grabbing at them Wouldn't you why would you dig yourself out of a hole? Maybe that he was buried in a hole because he thought it was dead And it was just a man. I think this is a man who was a victim of arson. He might have been There's also a character named clutch bone Which is the tall gaunt phantom with black leathery skin, right? You don't know what that's really about But this is a real story about a person who encountered a skeleton. That's second one was just Iggy pop

My first ghostly encounter that I can remember was an I was about six or seven years old My mom her boyfriend my sister and me just moved into a house in pleasantville, New Jersey In the room where my sister and I slept there was an attic door I felt very uneasy living in the house and especially uneasy sleeping in that room with the creepy attic I doze off to sleep around three or four in the morning. I awoke and saw the attic door was open I tried to wake my sister who was sleeping beside me in the same bed And to get up and close the door But she would not move at all

All of a sudden I saw something move in the corner of my eye The movement came from the left side of my vision about four or five feet from the bed At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me because of what I saw. I wiped my eyes I blinked and pinched my arm to make sure I wasn't asleep But what I saw almost made me pee on myself This is true. That's verbatim what this witness said. That's is it child protective services It sounds like so this answers your question marcus looking directly at me through empty eye sockets Was a skeleton

With a black cape on And the inside was red marcus likes it with eyeballs. Can you just say it has eyeballs? It's better with eyeballs looking directly at me through Full eyeballs inside of a skeleton Thank you. Jesus. That's so much better Is it so hard to just give your skeleton eyeball? This is why we do this show I think that's just a horribly offensive doll that jeff dunham has Yes, that's where the inspiration came from

This was in 2008 and then uh the uh creature eventually disappeared. Oh How did they mike? How did he write a full book on this shit barton none of Look good for him. He did everything. Honestly. It's a huge book. It's it's a lot of stuff in here. Yeah No, no most of these stories have been country affairs, but cryptids do indeed exist in the city or At least people believe that they might exist in urban areas. Hey, i'm crypt in here. Oh my god Oh my god, you're actually from new york. You should you should be ashamed Just this past april a possible cryptid appeared in krakow poland

According to a woman who called animal welfare officials A large lizard-like creature had been nesting in a tree near her apartment for two days The woman who was hysterical by the time she made the call Said that people weren't opening the windows in their neighborhood because they were afraid this creature would skitter into their home and attack Oh my god, it's a man with a college education. Oh god But once animal control finally showed up it was found that this mysterious cryptid was in fact Scent that someone had thrown out their window to feed the birds. It's just a polish. It's a polish thing. Okay

Okay, they don't know what everything is. They're on high alert. They are. I don't know why No, so while some of these sightings might indeed be real Some really are just imagination run amok. Amen. Some's a pastry. Sometimes. It's just a pastry Wow, you never know you never know because sometimes the pastry could be the inside because sometimes things you see at night Oh, uh, there's more of gravy than of grave of you. Oh, you'll put a spot of cheese. You're just a bit of mustard All right. Well, thank you all for going on that exciting journey with us It really was one of our cryptids and I got to say the first one is my favorite out of all of that It had the most metal and

It had the most stuff yet and the lizard man also has it there are several books devoted to the lizard man But again, what we just said those three sightings are the main sightings of the lizard How much do you think star trek created the lizard narrative? I think the gorn. Yeah, the gorn are pretty. Yeah, those those definitely contributed. I'd say I mean, there's been lizard creatures. I think in a lot of sci-fi Yeah, because all the lizards are dope and they're fun to see and then standing up on a couple legs is cool It is cool But I would imagine reptilian lore probably did have quite the big uptick after the gorn episode aired

Yeah, yeah, but also the bible because of the stupid fucking snake in it And there were apparently earlier editions of the bible or some cryptos walls just say that early editions of the bible The serpent had arms and legs Who wouldn't be a snake would be snake man then wouldn't that lizard because it wasn't like a gecko Well, like they didn't get an apple from a gecko. I don't know. I mean it never happened. None of it happened I think my mom would say snake man. You know what I mean? It's like one of those That she says every every title of every movie incorrectly. Yeah, like it's that I think if you saw the lizard man You could say it snake man. They also say alligator man sometimes

Ah alligator man. All right. Well, speak. Yeah, I remember that song speaking exciting things. We will be in okc Yeah, baby come back out. Come on. Come on. Where else are we gonna be boys salt lake city Salt lake city and then the week after that we're gonna be in oakland Phoenix and los angeles at the hollywood forever cemetery. Los angeles. It can't wait. I'm gothing out hard I hope I can't wait for la doing this doing the live show the hollywood forever cemetery. It's gonna be so much fun Um, uh, thank you guys so much for listening to our little excursions to the world of cryptids We are back next week with that's a weird fucking shit coming up. There's some we've got some blood We've got some spooky shit. We're heading deep into halloween territory very very excited

Uh, the series that we did just postponed is going to be so fucking juicy We're doing that in november. You're really going to like it again That is setting up for a future series that we'll be doing in 2022. I can't be more excited About the folk in material that we got coming up. Oh gonna be great. Well. Thank you all so much for listening Hope you're doing well out there. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Hail gene and no dogs in space season two coming october 12 Whoo, who are you talking about velvet underground five-part series cake and the whole thing the velvet underground magustillations everyone Help me Yeah, if you see a cryptid side stories LP ot lg bill.com. Let us know Caitlyn Jenner. All right

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