Last Podcast On The Left - Relaxed Fit: The Moonshaft

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

On this Relaxed Fit episode, we descend into the Moonshaft — AKA the Mooncave — a discovery made in the Slovakian Mountains by a WWI-era soldier named Antonin Horak. But what wonders await us in this mysterious hole?Mothman's Red Eye Blend Coffee: https://lastpodcastmerch.com/products/mothmans-red-eye-blendKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes, he's just trying to warn you of the bridge! The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, we bring you Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans, go to lastpodcastmerch.com to order yours today! There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk.

On the left. Rise from your glades. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Well, if I couldn't help but notice you have barged into my moonshot, welcome and couldn't help but notice as well as you completely disrobed before shimmering through my little shaft here. Well, that's hot as hell in here, man. Yeah, I just keep it warm for a reason, because we're sort of a spaceship that is idling,

but that is too much information for you to understand with your little suffocating brain. Oh my god, when do I touch it? Oh, no, preferably before I go out of here. You just, you could say, ah yes, my moonshaft is ready. Oh my god, welcome to the last podcast. On the left, everyone, I am Ben, hanging out with Henry and hanging out with Marcus. How you doing, Marcus? I'm doing good, man.

How about yourself? I'm good. I'm excited to talk about this subject today. We're covering the moonshaft. This is kind of sort of like a lunar bungalow. This is more of a, some people say moonshaft, but honestly, do you really think about it? It's kind of like an apartment building next to Mars. Oh my goodness.

I'm going to officially call every boner I get while I sleep the moonshaft. It does. Of all of the weird anomalous things to cover in the history of humankind, the moonshaft is by far the most phallic. It sounds like it. There's a lot of it. It's a serious topic to sum to almost none, except for here on last podcast on the left, but you know why we covered this very seriously?

No, this is a relaxed fit. Okay, that's very nice. Okay, loosen it up a little bit. I'll take Henry's words and I'll tell you to smoke a hog's leg, get a little stoned, and have a good time with this episode. We're covering the moonshaft. It's time to go splunk. Yeah.

I mean, this is definitely, it's a hog's leg episode because this is going to be a lot of, you know, and isn't that fun to think about. This is going to be a lot of stuff that's fun to think about. You're going to have a lot of fun thinking about something. I have no fun thinking of spelunking unless it's some sort of bizarre gang bang where all the cum falls from the ceiling because what happens when you spelunk? We learn from the movie, The Descent. You die there.

You die there and there's a bunch of people with no eyes and all they do is smell because they don't need eyes because it's all dark. And I am never going spelunking, not that anyone has ever invited me. This is all about cave curiosity. There's a lot of thought exercises in this episode. Like you said, Marcus, it's the idea of like, oh, just imagine there was a moonshaft because that's all the people did within this subject. All right.

Well, let's imagine the moonshaft. The moonshaft, a.k.a. the moon cave, was a discovery made in the Slovakian mountains by a soldier named Antonin Horak in 1944, right in the midst of World War II. Or it was discovered by Ted Phillips when he made it up. Desperate. Desperate for attention. But Ted Phillips will cover. Ted Phillips is the number one expert.

And what we know is. Is there anyone fighting for the number two spot? No. Okay. The number two's first loser in the world of the moonshaft. That's right. You read that on a t-shirt. Yeah.

Ted Phillips is the number one expert in close encounters of the second kind, which is, as we all know, is UFO skid marks. It is anything that a UFO, if it touches the planet Earth and leaves a mark, Ted Phillips knows all about it. He's sort of like a UFO dermatologist. But Ted Phillips here, he is the proponent, the massive proponent of the moonshaft. And we'll see what holds up. I can't wait.

Is it possible? Horvak. This guy with the Slovakian military. Horak. Horak. Sounds like he was trying to get out of the war. No, no. Who was he doing?

He was his Slovakian insurgent. We'll talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. A partisan, as it were. All right. And from what researchers and moonshaft enthusiasts say, this cave is evidence that a civilization of some sort existed in Central Europe at least 20,000 years ago, during what is known

as the Hyperbarian Era. In essence, this era is when many of the more popular ancient civilizations like Shambhala, Agarta, Lemuri, and Atlantis supposedly existed. And according to the believers of prehistoric civilizations, the moonshaft is solid evidence. Okay. Also, one story that says that the moonshaft was a semi-circle type craft, a half-moon cylinder craft that went balls deep into a mountain 20,000 years ago. That villagers crowded around and said, look, look, dig from the sky.

And they saw this thing, this absolutely sheer, mirrored black object just slide into a mountain and just stay there for some reason. Oh my goodness. This porno in the round, very erotic. And the problem, though, is that we have no firm idea of where the moonshaft actually is. Oh, sure. And we're entirely unsure if the moonshaft even exists.

It exists today during this hour of speaking. Yeah, we've got 50 more minutes to fill here, guys. This is a weird way to start. I'd be like, none of it's real. Tell me, this moonshaft, is this like some kind of elevator for aliens? Ooh, that would be fun. But that's because the only evidence we have of the moonshaft is a journal written by Antonin Horak 20 years after he supposedly discovered it.

But as it goes, with massive finds in this whimsical area of archeology, Antonin Horak's journal has become the stuff of legend, the sort of treasure map that could, and presumably has, driven men mad. Oh my god. According to Ted Phillips, during his interview on Coast to Coast A.M. with George Knapp, who honestly, it's a good episode, but Ted Phillips is like, I have dedicated most of my life since about 1972 on the moonshaft, and some people, I say devoted, there are some people who have said the word wasted.

But not me. Every moment has been thrilling, filled with moonshaft memories and moonshaft moments with me and my Slovakian friends. Well, to see, did he really enjoy it, do you think? It sounds like honestly, it's a really fun excuse to go to Central Europe. Great. Yeah, that's great. It's about the friends that he made along the way.

There are certainly worse ways, there are certainly worse things to devote your life to. And certainly worse ways to spend it. Exactly. With all the QAnon documentaries, it was about the friends they made along the way. They just made a bunch of friends. Now according to Horak's diary, he was the commander of an unspecified military unit somewhere in the Tatra Mountains of Slovakia when his unit was ambushed by a roving battalion

of Nazis. Of course, when the Nazis came and searched for Horak, what happened was that Horak was originally a member of Slovakian village. The Nazis came, when they took over, they took everybody's shit, right, down to his wife's wedding ring, and then they fled to the forest to become a part of the insurgent army. So honestly, this whole thing fucking starts pretty sweet because this guerrilla warfare between Slovakian villagers and the Nazis, and they're coming in there, and they're

cutting down the, oh god, and they're fighting with soup, they're throwing ladles and shit at the Nazis, they killed everybody apparently. To be fair, a good bowl of soup will distract a German. It will, it will. Well in the ensuing melee, Horak was stabbed in the hand, then shot, before he was finally hit in the head with a rifle stock, after which he lost consciousness. When he awoke, the Nazis were gone, and Horak was being treated by a local herdsman named Slavic.

Yep. But by his busty, busty chest, you'd think that he was his wife. Oh, isn't that nice. The only other survivors besides Horak were two fellow soldiers named Jurek and Martin. And while Jurek... Wait, what, there's a Martin in this? Yes, Martin. Oh.

It's Jurek, Slovakian guy with no toe. And what is it? And now there's a Martin? Yeah, Martin. Yeah, Martin. Honestly, it's just Martin. He's dead. Well, he's not dead yet.

Soon. Well, while Jurek was doing alright, Martin was near death. So the ragtag group built a stretcher, and they carried Martin to a cave that was four hours away. It was a cave that Slovak already knew about, Slovak the herdsman. I'm in his herdsman journey, so come with me and let's go to the square, I undress the sheep, I mean, it's a cave, it's a lie, I don't fuck, I don't fuck. We're going where you fuck the sheep?

I don't fuck. Okay. Now Slovak was reticent to take the men to the cave, because he said he'd only been there once before. He claimed that while the entrance to the cave was fine, the deeper chambers were full of bottomless pits and dangerous gases, in addition to being most likely haunted. It's weird because Slovak, Slovak, Slovak, Slovak, he was very concerned about them going in the cave, and he had the whole thing covered with rocks, right, and there's a bunch

of guys dying out front, so he's just like, he takes all the rocks off, they go inside, and immediately he's like, don't you dare, you don't want anybody to go into the back of my cave. Well, it seems like that's where you fuck the sheep. Yes. Okay. Since the men didn't have much of a choice, Slovak led them to the cave and wrote some symbols on the wall next to a crack at the back, and he read a couple of lines from his

Bible. After doing this odd set of rituals, Slovak left the men behind to find bandages and aspirin. He returned the next day with his daughter Hannah, but left again to find food. Here you go. Here's a distraction. You fuck Hannah. Yeah. Everybody come and fuck Hannah, fear the gods.

You want us to have sex with your daughter? Anything but go into the back of my sacred cave. Is that where you fuck the sheep? No. Okay. In his absence, however, the weather worsened, and Horak had no idea of when Slovak would return. The food soon ran out, and the men had only hot water and a few drops of an Eastern European

fruit brandy called Slivovitz, in which to subsist on. Oh, I love getting hammered on my old Slivovitz. Isn't that nice? It's fun to drive all weird and slow. Slivovitz is the type of booze I imagine you drink and then you punch a horse. It could be. Sounds like what they might drink in Slytherin. Great.

Harry Potter reference. Thank you. Slytherin. Perfectly timed. Great. Kids love those books and the movies. Honestly, it's mostly 30-year-olds now. Yeah.

So, Horak, hoping to find some hibernating animals to kill and eat, he ignored Slovak's advice and decided to venture deeper into the cave. Oh. You know, in defense of Horak, he was a miner. Okay. So, he was, he's a cave, he's cave horny. He's cave furious. He's an entrepreneur of the cave.

Yes. He's trying to go in. A connoisseur, perhaps. He wants to investigate. He's like, oh, if there's a cave to be spelunked, then I'm sticking my dick in it. He's going to stick his dick right in there, okay? But instead of the deep pits and poisonous gases that Slovak had promised, Horak found that the cave was actually quite easy to walk through and it seemed as if the cave had been

constructed rather than forming naturally. For an hour and a half, Horak walked until he finally came to a small vent. Still hungry and now also curious, Horak crawled through and found a large grotto decorated with white stalactites and stalagmites covered in enamel-like material. In addition, he also found a large, dark, completely smooth, cylindrical object about 80 feet in diameter, sporting a big diagonal cracked opening. Whoa. If you look at the pictures that Ted Phillip took of the journal entry, basically what

you see is that he shimmied through this path because his big thing, he wanted to hunt bats. Which seems kind of easy. You can eat bats. I don't know if you can. I think it's bad meaty. Well. No, you can eat bats. You can absolutely eat bats.

Yeah. They don't have a lot of rabies. They're like chicken wings. Honestly, I'm now hungry. Okay. But you go into the shaft and what he saw was like, it was a cave, but then he saw sort of like a window opening in the big huge opening of the cave that featured this mirror-like black surface.

And he said, the first thing you notice is that stalactites had formed all around, essentially on top of the black surface. And he said, the first thing you notice is that stalactites had formed all around, essentially the wall area, like what he saw, this like shiny area. So that's been there for a minute. It just shows that whatever that thing is, if it has stalactites growing on it, it must be something like 25,000 years old, whoever, but he was like, he used his mind sense to tell it.

Technically, this man has all of the characteristics of a dwarf in D&D. Good for him. But curious to test the construction of the object, Horak tossed in some stone fragments and heard a sound indicating that the object was hollow with a solid floor. Looking inside the crack, he saw what appeared to be a large shaft. You don't worry, it does not just appear to be a large shaft, it uses a matter of fact a very large, veiny shaft. Oh my God, it's the lexinator, it's Lexington Steel.

Oh my God. It's here, the executioner, I'm here inside of the shaft, there's a German version of it, my ritual name is Lexon Kanskin. I'm actually going to go back to the Nazis, this is much worse. Come inside. Okay. Giving in completely to his curiosity, Horak tried widening the crack by swinging his pickaxe as hard as he could, because of course, since he was a minor, he did have a pickaxe

with him. Got a pickaxe along. He had to equip. It was in his pack. Yeah. His pickaxe. Strike. Strike.

Nothing. Nothing. He found that he couldn't even scratch it, whatever this cylindrical object was made of. And eventually, Horak returned to his friends at the entrance of the cave, but did not tell them what he'd found. What? Instead, he asked them for their belts, because he said he'd seen some bats, but he was having a hard time catching the bats.

Was he going to dress them up and pretend like it's a wedding for bats and all the bats would show up to watch their bat friends get married because now they're wearing nice belts and trousers? No, he was going to leave the belts out and hope that the bats would naturally auto-exphyxiate themselves. Interesting. He told them that he was going to make a rope out of their belts, and he was going to lasso the bats.

So, the Nazis just rushed us into this moonshaft, and now you want me, now you're trying to pants me, basically, because you know we're thin as shit, because we've not eaten nearly as much as we should. The belt is the only thing making it so you don't see my Johnson. The miners? I'm not going to mine. That's how it goes. I guess so.

But there were, in fact, no bats. Instead, Horak wanted to use their belts to descend into the shaft that formed out of the crack in the large black object. Once he made a rope, he descended into the structure and discovered that the object was built in the shape of a large crescent moon. Cool. Hence, moonshaft. Moonshaft.

Awesome. I don't understand why he wanted to keep this private, though, because I would run back and be like, guys, we got something big here, and I would force them all to come with me. They were not supposed to go back there. Yeah, they weren't supposed to go back there, and I would also imagine his friends probably weren't super-jazzed about the moonshaft because Martin was dying and Jorak was greatly injured. And yeah, he was supposed to be finding all those bat meat until he's finding all those moonshaft time, and what about Hannah?

Hannah's left. They left. Torn shreds. She left. She never stood a chance with those World War II abandoned soldiers. Oh, my goodness. You know what no detail talks about, though, that Ted Phillips hits and all of his speeches about moonshaft?

He had to take off all his clothes. Huh. So to shimmy through the crack to get into the moonshaft, he had to remove all of his clothing to go back and forth. So the rest of this story, and this is true, takes place with Jorak being completely new because he couldn't fit, so he's just like, it's time to get slippery, and then he army crawled his way through the hole. Oh, that'll burn the dick, wouldn't it, just a little bit?

Well, yeah, that's what Ted Phillips is, his pattern joke, because as you watch multiple things, he's just like, and being negative is not the most recommended thing around stalagdites. And you're like, all right, we know, but now the first time I chuckled, then the third one I watched. I think I would laugh every fourth time he said it. Once Horak got down to the bottom, he found that the floor was made of clay and limestone, and every sound inside the shaft was extremely amplified.

But after realizing that there was nothing to do or see, Horak climbed back out and returned to his friends after putting his clothes back on. There's no fucking roller coaster in here, man, this sucks. That does suck. It sounds like a great place to listen to a band perform, though, good acoustics, good music, good sound. Yeah, like the caverns. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, again, the next day, Horak told his friends that he was going bat hunting, but again, returned to the shaft. We're hard, these bats. Yeah, bro, at some point, you're going to have to bring them about back, number one. Number two, we're the fucking the bats. They're like super hard to fucking get to. They are?

They're like fucking hard, though. I know they like sleep all day, and they just kind of sit there, and I could throw a rock at them and shit, but no, no, I don't do it, man. I just want to give me a bad guy, but you have to give me your shoes. Okay, here. Oh, you want my shoes? Give me your hat. Great.

This time, Horak brought his pickaxe down with him and dug in both corners of the crescent moon. In one corner, he found the skeletal remains of what was later identified as a six and a half foot tall cave bear. Whoa. Yeah, specifically, this was ursis spalaeus, a species of cave bear that went extinct more than 25,000 years ago. Moonshaft.

Moonshaft, indeed. Where did he, how did, he got a pickaxe, right? Yes, he had a pickaxe. You have to carry that. I think he put that, maybe that's a buck crack holder that, how did he hold the pickaxe when he has no close up? He threw it through. I mean, I don't know, man, are you certain that he did it, you turned it horizontal and

then you squeak through, you get through the shaft. Right. Because again, miner's going to miner, he goes, he click, click, click, apparently he went through about six feet of limestone, according to him, which is something like, you could chart it, it's something like, it means like 25,000 years ago, whatever, bullshit. But according to Ted Phillips, he has the teeth because of the cave bear. So the cave bear, according to Horak, is that he found the skeleton and he popped out the teeth he put in his pocket and then Horak, before he died, gave these teeth to Ted Phillips.

Does he show people these teeth? No, you can't bust a secret like that. Okay. No, you can't have it because then we're going to be looking into it and all this shit. It's better for him to have the teeth. Great. Well, to Moonshaft enthusiasts, the discovery of the bear is key to understanding the entire structure.

If that skeleton was at least 25,000 years old, then that means that the shaft had to have been open at some point. What had even bigger implications was that if the creature fell in when it was alive, that means that this obviously manmade structure would have to have been constructed at least 20,000 years before the invention of the wheel. That's not good. But apparently the Moonshaft walls were so shiny and they were smooth. That's what he kept saying is that it's that thing where if you see certain types of ancient

architecture like gobelky tepe, like those types of things, they do have a modicum of ability to make shit really straight and really mathematically exact. That was this thing that feels manmade. It looks sort of like what you'd see in the sky, like a crescent moon, but it was very, very sharp. Mm-hmm. Furthermore, this shaft seemed to have a purpose that was still somewhat active. Feeling around inside, Horak found a set of horizontal grooves that were hotter than

the rest of the Moonshaft. That's the cheesepot. Well, they said, they keep calling it a grill. A grill. Which is like, you're there calling it a grill. You should have made that Moonshaft come. Yeah. Rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber.

He couldn't do it. That was the underside. He went, it was apparently a grill and he said that he felt this hot air shooting out of it and then he laid down on it and according to him, he heard the turbines of an engine. Oh my god. What does that mean? What does it mean? Nothing.

Okay. I mean, we just don't know if it's necessarily true or not, but if it was, again, Moonshaft. Isn't that fun to think about? It's fun to think about. It's possible. Yeah. It's possible. But even though all this was absolutely fascinating, Horak still kept it all to himself.

He didn't tell his companions and he didn't tell Slavic when he showed up the next day with some meat and his second daughter, Olga. Take our cheese also, big up top, small on bottom, you go, you spin it around, cheese bigger on bottom. Oh my. But once Slavic and Olga left, Horak returned to the Moonshaft and opened fire on the walls with his rifle. This, he said, produced smoke, noise and green sparks.

Green sparks actually points to a copper mechanism. Isn't that nice. And we'll be talking about that here in a second. Turns out the Slavs are just like us. We also would just start shooting it. Shoot it. Shoot it. You're going to want to shoot that.

Shoot it. Do you shoot that? Do you shoot the shafts? You better shoot that. Unfortunately, though, while Horak was farting around in the Moonshaft, Martin died. Oh my, Martin, you're named all wrong. And with the formerly immobile companion dead, Horak and Jurek were no longer tied to the cave.

But before Horak left, he visited the Moonshaft one more time. Wanting to leave his mark, should he ever return, Horak lowered a bottle down the shaft with a piece of belt containing written information and the back of his pocket watch. And you know, he gave it a little kiss. It's obviously very romantic because if you're down in that Moonshaft and you see that little bottle down there and you're just like, somewhere up in that big Moonshaft, didn't you just shoot it? You can really hit that song.

You can really hit those notes. Thank you. Very good. And then, somewhat selfishly, Horak covered up the narrow passage leading to the Moonshaft with stones, inadvertently ensuring that no one would ever find the mysterious passage ever again. It's like when you're really drunk and you think like, oh man, I need to put like an object, whatever it is you have in your hands that you're trying to hide, and you're like,

I need to put this in some crazy place so that I'll definitely find it the next time I look at it. Absolutely. Like your passport, for example. Yes. You'll never see it ever again. Right. Until you randomly find it one other year when you get equally hammered.

Maybe it was your wedding night. You hide your passport and then, oh, you're divorced. You're equally hammered. And then, wow, you found it. State-specific memory. Nice. Finally, Horak, Jurek, Slavak, and Slavak's daughter, Hannah, carried their companion's body to the trench where he was originally wounded.

There they buried Martin, and Horak gave Slavak money to erect a wooden cross at Slavak's first convenient moment. Let's all just pretend that I did. Yeah. I mean, how much does that cost? This is definitely going to cost, well, two pieces of wood there with the cross-making service. You guys, you think about the hours billable?

No, there's a lot of stuff. You've got to think about the Zagradaris and shit like that. Honestly, this is going to be about $1,000. Wow. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to do it. It's going to be about a six-month lead time. I love that. To comfort Martin, they brought him back to the place that he was shot, just, oh, he's

going to love it here. This is where he was wanted to be. This is one of his favorite places. He loved it here. We all missed the insurgency. Oh, it was so nice the way he was shot. He's like, oh, no, yeah. Life from your grave.

Twenty years later, Slavak wrote down everything that he'd done in a back-dated journal, ending it with the wish that the moonshaft be studied by scientists while sternly lecturing against the possibility that the moonshaft might become a tourist attraction. I mean, you know, I don't think he understands the power of tourism and what that would have done to that little village in Slovakia. God knows what goes on there. You know it's just a lot of like, they have like turtle raping contests and they go and they eat as much gorsh as they can eat and they pile of rocks as their mayor in that

town. But you know that tourism can help. It's not bad. He's fair. I will take a pile of rocks half of the time. Yeah, you look what happened with Loch Ness. They make a lot of money over there in Scotland. I think that he was wrong about this.

And I bet you they don't think it ruined it. I'm sure they don't. It's the only thing that, I mean, jockeyshops and all that stuff. Oh, they all love it when big fat moron show up and we show up and they go, where is it? Where is it? Fuck, your food's gross. You're ugly. Like, they fucking love us over there, man.

Well, I don't think you have to call them ugly. You don't have to, but you will. I'm here from out of town. I'm here from out of town. Well, the diary was then sent off to a publisher who most likely added the coordinates to the Moonshaft to help American readers locate the Tatra Mountains, although the coordinates that they give in this diary do not correspond to any cave at all. It's almost like it's so mysterious that you, ha, to even have an exact location would

ruin it. Yeah. It reminds me of when I was a kid. You know how they used to do the placemats at a Burger King and there was a little maze? Mm-hmm. I got one as a kid. No way out. I'll never forget it.

I was like 10 years old. I was fricking livid. I think that you might have just been doing it. There was no way out. My mom tried it. My dad tried it. There's no way out of this thing. Wow.

Anyway, make sure you have a way out. If you're in the maze making business, make sure there's a way out. So how did you, did you bug your parents to you try it now or did you just like throw it? I said there's no way out and then they said what you said, Henry, and then they tried it and they're like, well, you must admit there's no way out of this ridiculous Burger King kids club map. Maybe it takes, maybe that's where the moon shaft is.

Maybe if you'd actually discovered and actually worked out that maze, then you would know where the moon shaft is. I don't think they do that anymore with the, with the fun things the kids can do. No, they don't challenge the kids. No, they don't. They don't own's now. No, they give them awards just for eating Chick McNuggets now. Wow, that's a good one.

Wow, old man. You're saying it like it is. Moon shafts aren't the same anymore. Wow. You go there. Wow. Yes. Are you going to be posting that to your Facebook group later?

Yes. My kids don't understand Facebook pitch. Yeah. Yeah. Now as far as what the moon cave is, the structure was analyzed in a book called The Moon Cave Mystery by Robert K. Try to pronounce his name. What is this man's last name?

I think it's uh, Lesnichevits. Lesnichevits. Yeah, that could be it. Yeah. Lesnichevits. Uh, and he co-authored that with Milo's Jezzanette Jezynski. Jezynski, because you know what it is, you need two authors because there's just so much information here.

It's so hard to parse it out. Right, absolutely. Like all those Bill O'Reilly books, you're going to need another author. You're going to need somebody in there. Yeah. It's intense. But of course the only source that that structure exists is Horak's Journal. So really they're just analyzing Horak's Journal.

Horak is not going to lie about the shit, all right? Why would he lie? Except for all the fame and the money. Well, I don't think he got any fame or money off of it. No, we got nothing. Yeah. But I mean, why would somebody, True Talk, real Ben Kitzel, True Talk, why would someone make up a tale in a journal?

The only other way, the only thing to say would be was other things expressed in the journal were those accurate. Well, he did. Because then you can say, well, it's not a lying journal. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. He had the whole, yeah, yeah. Now, we'll get to the possible reasons why and the accuracy of some of his claims because

some of the things can be verified or unverified. Okay. Now, analyzing the journal, the authors of the book say that the moonshaft might well have been an ancient copper ore mining facility because copper under flame produces a green color which explains the green sparks from Horak's rifle shots. Furthermore, copper crystals are heavy and can't be easily scratched. And Horak also described a pungent and unpleasant odor which could have come from copper compounds mixing with water to create sulfur oxides.

So you mean to tell me we went all out of our way to call it the moonshaft? We don't know what the hell it is. And we could have been calling it the fart hole. This whole fucking time. It smells like farts. No one wants to mention it. It's sulfur. It's bats and farts.

Sulfur's more rotten eggs, so it'd be more like the egg hole. Well, I think you could have a fart that smells like a rotten egg. I think you do. It's eggs though. It's a specific egg fart, but that's an egg fart. That's not a fart. That's more methane smell. Sulfur, that's your rotten eggs.

You want that smell. Maybe. Would you step on a duck? What? Would you step on a duck? Oh, is that a weird old, oh, we didn't even make a fart noise. Yeah. No, if you fart, you say, would you step on a duck?

Oh, wow. I'm confused. I'm confused. I feel scared. You know what I mean? I feel scared. I feel like I'm lost inside of the moonshaft sometimes. Inscription.

Inscription. That is it. When Kissel says a true non sequitur and which he has had five sentences before us in his own mind, where even he has had a conversation, then he says like the end of a self conversation to us out loud, that's in the, that's the moonshaft. We just found it. That's just a piece of good comedy. If you're ever with your family and somebody farts, would you step on a duck?

Yeah, if you would explain any of that. Yeah. I'm just going to look back. Well, what's interesting about this hypothesis is that when combined with the discovery of the extinct cave bear, we find a man made structure that was constructed thousands of years before the first known human civilizations, much less when humans first started mining ore. Hmm.

In fact, some ancient civilization believers put the construction of the moonshaft at around the same time that Atlantis is believed to have fallen, making it the oldest known industrial site on planet Earth. Oh man. This was the whole Lemurian New Deal Act. There's a lot of big and show Lemurian conservation corps. Yeah. It was really very nice when they did.

They really tried. They put a lot of works in one go. You should have seen Buttplug Mountain. Oh, I love Buttplug Mountain. Now, Horak is not the only person in this area of the world to have claimed to have found mysterious man made tunnels. A professor named Jean Peugeot said that when he was in high school, he explored a series of glass tunnels with his father in the Carpathian Mountains.

Gohan. I do not drink Coca-Cola. Well, that's a great impression of something. One, two, three dicks in my butthole. Wow, I don't remember that episode of Sesame Street. Man, you're on a butthole kick today. He's been thinking a lot about buttholes. I really got it.

Honestly, it's because I couldn't shit for three days, so it was constipated, and then now I've been doing nothing but shit in today. Yeah, butthole on the brain. You spend a lot of time with it. I understand. I got the lead of pass, I got it out. Thank you for chucking me. Yeah, no problem.

I mean, go for it. I'm afraid to do butthole talk. No, it's butthole. Now I'm going to Pusio. They haven't come for butthole talk yet. They haven't come for it. The name of the peak in question here is Babiagorra, which in the local tongue translates to Witch Mountain.

Nice. Cool. Professor Peugeot said that the tunnels were large enough to fit a train through, and the surface of the walls were glistening as if they were carved by a drill. Furthermore, their footfalls made no sounds, as if the floors were lined with some kind of material. At the end of the tunnel, the professor said, was a large tunnel with notched walls that formed a spiral pattern, and several tunnels converged on that chamber.

You did just describe it anus and the intent. I am trying to not. I am not going to do it anymore. I know what you did just describe it. I was literally how that is. I was looking at it. I saw it. This whole episode is just shafts and screwing through holes, diving through tunnels, killing

bats. So now we're spelunking in buttholes. I just, I wish I was, I just, I'm not Mark Twain. No, thank God you're not Mark Twain. Interestingly, the floor was also littered with antique firearms, medieval weaponry, and the armor of a knight. That was always my favorite sequence from a never ending story, when they were going through the, if you could tell, do you could pure or not, that like testing thing with

the two statues that zap the dudes, and he's coming up there and you see all the dead knights on the way through. That's fucking dope. Yeah, and Indiana Jones and the last crusade, also that same thing, with all these dead assholes. Yeah, fuck yeah. The knights may have been fine people, they were just out there to fight. They weren't pure.

They didn't want to do it. It was the opposite. They weren't pure. Indiana Jones was the only person who was pure enough to walk through. Indiana Jones was the one who was pure. He was in the movie. In the movie. I feel I'm entirely justified in calling those dead knights assholes.

Yes. Okay. They were assholes. They did it wrong. For the wrong reasons. You're not allowed to mention assholes anymore. It belongs in the museum. Wow.

Well, after finding these objects, Professor Pajak said that his father explained that those further tunnels that led out of that main chamber, they led to every country and every continent, from Spakia to Russia to China and even as far as the Americas. That's a lot of stops. That is a lot. I don't know. You don't know. Let me finish.

Let me finish before you pass judgment upon Professor Jean Pajak. I'm sorry. He's a professor. Yeah. Yeah. An egg butt ology? Yeah. Yeah, I am mostly a scientist in different ways, butter shaped, so I'm an expert.

I just have to get off the butts. Oh, God, help me. People love a good butt episode. Oh, God, I'm better than this. Oh, God. Not today. I'm a man. No.

No. 37. 37 long yuck years. This is my last show before I'm 40, by the way. Oh, God. I can really feel it. Yeah, you can tell. Hopefully, this isn't a...

We went to Las Vegas. I'm a little horse. It's 40. Speaking of buttholes. Ben, you're 39 and holding forever. My friend, you're never going to be 40. I've been holding for another seven days. Yeah.

Do you remember when we were... Seven days. Do you remember when we were playing craps and you kept throwing the dice off the table at the poor woman in the cocktail dress? I was throwing them with aggression so we could get the right numbers. I know. That's the whole thing. Thank you.

I thought we were going to get a fight, but I was tripping balls and I was getting super paranoid. Yes, exactly. Well, Professor Peugeot's father then pointed out signs in the chamber, clumsy drawings scribbled with black paint. But at just that moment, Professor Peugeot said that the chamber began rumbling and hissing as if the train was passing through the tunnels. Once the commotion began, the professor's father said they had to leave immediately.

Once they left, Professor Peugeot's father said that the tunnels were made by all powerful underground creatures that traveled through the tunnels on flying machines. Fuck yeah. And if they would have been caught in the machine's wake, both the professor and his father would have burned to death. Man, I want to hang out with Professor Peugeot's father. Yeah. He sounds like he's got good fucking stories.

I love this shit. Now, obviously we like subterranean. This whole episode is more about the mysteries of what's underground, and I do love that concept to still love, like, Hollow Earth, Godzilla vs Kong technically has made all of the Hollow Earth mainstream. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that weird, right? It's fucking insane.

I was watching it the other day, it's like, how is Hollow Earth now a part of a mainstream motion picture? Yeah, it's on fucking a summer blockbuster. Godzilla vs Kong. It wasn't like Scorsese's new movie. No, but it's a mainstream. That's more mainstream than Scorsese. The Hollow Earth has got mainstream.

It used to just be scribbled notes in the back of a Nazi's journal, and now it's just out there. I wonder, why would they have flying devices, though? You think underground, you think more of a dune buggy type thing? It's because they came here on spaceships. Oh. Yeah, and you're flying. I would imagine you could probably fly, you're still flying if you don't have wheels and

flying through gigantic tunnels would probably take you through faster than flying around the Earth. Oh, the friction. Yeah. Sure. Okay. Luckily, Professor Pajak's father said that they had a lot of time to flee before the machines bore down upon them because of the way sound traveled in the tunnel.

They could hear it coming from far away. If they did not, then their bodies would be turned into ash. Sweet. And the moonshaft tails are pretty flimsy. Hmm. But what are you talking about? Ted Phillips devoted 38 years of his life to this. Absolutely.

And when he went to Slovakia to look for it, he couldn't find it. Isn't that sad? It's like when you're married to someone for 45 years and they die and then you find out they had a whole second family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also he said the first group of people went to go look for it were suicided by the Slovakian government. Wow.

That's the thing. The next thing that might be some truth to that because there is an interesting real world twist to the moonshaft story. The authors of the moonshaft book speculate that the tale of the moonshaft might actually have been a Cold War intelligence game. Welcome to 9D Chess, people. Oh, this is 9D Chess? Russian hackers, bro.

Oh, man. That's so many Ds. But her emails, man. Oh, dude. That's 11D Chess. Fuck it, pink hats. Whoa, dude. No, man.

Shit, man. That's a 7D Chess move. Wow. 49D Chess. Whoa, bro. Stop going crazy. See, Horak's tale was first told in 1965, back when Czechoslovakia was still an eastern bloc country under the sway of the Soviet Union.

Although Czechoslovakia was still a few years away from being invaded by the Soviets and about 30 years away from becoming two different countries, Czech Republic and Slovakia. They had just gotten the IOU from the Soviet Union that they were going to come and get them. That's as good as an invasion. That's as good. Yeah. Nevertheless, it was still a communist country, and it's entirely possible that the Czech

version of the KGB called the STB, it's entirely possible that they spread the moonshaft story as a way of implying that their military powers were greater than they appeared to Western forces. Yeah, man. The Stone Temple violets have always been like this. When you go down there and you, because they said one thing, STB, STB, not the Stone Temple violets. That's what I said.

That's what I said. That's what I said. I am Mark Twain. I just shifted into Mark Twain. That's a butthole pirate. You did it. You said butthole. I didn't.

I found a new way to say it. I found something else besides the buttholes, even though there was a B in there. It was really creative. But they say the caverns, you could just, you could just say Stone Temple buttholes. I just didn't want to say buttholes. I'm trying to do something else, but they said that the moonshaft was filled with semen. And I mean sailors and robots. Not even robots.

They apparently said the moonshaft was supposed to have been filled maybe with an invisible army. And then maybe they could be hidden down there like an ancient group of people that we called upon like at the end of the second Lord of the Rings movie. If it's an invisible army, why would they have to hide them? Well we'll be talking about them here in a second. Fuck you. All right.

Now there have been multiple expeditions to find the moonshaft. And Horak's story was actually taken seriously enough where UFO researcher Jay Allen Heineck, he of Project Blue Book fame, he actually interviewed Horak in 1970. Really? Yes. Jay Allen Heineck was working with Ted Phillips. Ted Phillips got Jay Allen Heineck involved. They were super into it because Jay, like they're a big thing and they're like, because

you know Jay, he was definitely, he was Bohemian, he's from the Bohemian world, so he really clicked over there. He loves Gorsh. He absolutely, when he met Tim Tam, the rock mayor of Slovakia, he just, they got along famously. You wouldn't believe. Absolutely. Unfortunately though, no expeditions to find the moonshaft have ever been truly successful.

But one expedition does think that they found evidence of Horak. On the walls of one specific cave, explorers claim to have found the letters HA, Horak Antonin. They also found the number 23, which would be October 23rd. That is the date that supposedly Horak entered into the moonshaft and they found six crossed lines, which indicates the six days in the cave that Horak, Martin, and Jurek spent, you know, waiting for Martin to die. Interesting. And it's definitely, it was definitely these things they found.

Yeah. But no opening was uncovered, unfortunately, in that cave. Okay. However, while the authors of the moonshaft mystery are sure that the moonshaft exists, they also flip-flop between insisting that it is a part of a 20,000-year-old advanced civilization and a natural formation. Even they can't really decide what the fuck it is. No way.

Which actually, I give them credit. Yeah. In what way? Because they do say, 50% say that it is a natural formation. And that it's possible that, you know, like it's in Ghostbusters, like, oh yeah, no human would stack books like this. Where like, they do say, hey, would it be a lot more fun if it was an ancient, super ancient civilization that used this as a boring hole, or was the track left behind a giant

cylindrical UFO that is still sitting in the center of this mountain? Sure. Yeah, that's a better story. But it's probably a cave butthole. Okay. What's interesting, though, is that there are legends in Slovakia of armies sleeping inside the Solomon Mountain, waiting to be woken up. According to the legend, the warriors are young, they don't age or die, and they're

devastatingly handsome. You also, take a look at the spread of food I made, it's actually just a bunch of mints and cigarettes. I hope you're ready to get your dick sucked. This sounds fantastic, M Night Shyamalan, that sounds like a new movie for him. The end of this big flip is that there's just a bunch of crazy mountain gay sex in it. I love that shocking conclusion. When one man claimed to have found this sleeping army, and he said when he found it, he immediately

tried sneaking away, but before he could leave the chamber, he heard a night call out, asking if it was time for them to awake. Whoa! Stomach wake up! No. That's what he said. That's what he said. He just called back, and he just called back and went, not yet!

Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet!

Keep sleeping! And then he's scurried away. It's 1813 that implies that maybe there is some truth behind these legends. Or at least there's some natural origin to all this weird shit happening in these mountain ranges. Plutonium, bro! Whoa! Could be.

According to the story, villagers reported that one day their livestock began growing anxious, and the weather grew dark. The dogs were snarling as their hair bristled, the pigs were restlessly banging against the walls of their pig pen, and the cows moaned nervously. I don't like this soundscape, but, I mean, it is the Spotify playlist of cows moaning nervously is actually really nice to go to sleep to. It's really nice. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! What a fun time. Yeah.

Then? Oh, I love that soundscape. Nervous farm. Yeah. Then? One night, the bad weather unexpectedly stopped, and a silence fell upon the whole village. Suddenly, the mountain streams began to roar, tiny sparks appeared on the tops of all the trees, and the earth began to shake.

The villagers then heard bangs and thumps, like a constant sound of thunder, or the sound of an oversized forge. Whoa! Once that stopped, a strong, high, squeaking sound penetrated their bones from all directions. Oh my God, Minnie and Mickey are fucking so hard. Penetrate my fucking bone in your fucking asshole. Yeah, man. Fuck this shit.

Fuck the moratorium on butthole talking. Hey, no, you did this. There was no moratorium. No reaction. I just merely just said, hey, you've been talking about buttholes a lot, buddy, and then you put the moratorium on yourself. But you keep writing dirty words into a script. You're writing the dirty words.

He set me up. He set me up. That's a big car. For me to sound child. What is squeaking sound? How is that a dirty word? Oh, you understand. You know what you fucking did, you pervert.

Like a bed. You said penetrate their bones and acted like I'm going to be able to not mention it, even though I'm fucking almost 40 years old. I see both sides to this. It is a big car situation, but Henry, do you have to steal the car? Hmm. You're setting them up. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no. I don't normally steal the car, but I'll send in it. You know what? Honestly, when I broke penetrating their bones, I didn't. Nothing came about. I don't know. Nothing happened there.

That's the thing. Actually, I think you might. That's actually a sign that you might need help. Marcus. Oh, you didn't see it. You wrote words penetrating your penetrating their bones and you weren't like, hey, I don't know. You were like, Nick, have fun.

No. No, no, no. I actually thought about the idea of the penis in the bone. I don't know. I was thinking it because when I hear the word bone, I think of bones. Skeletons. Skeletons. Yeah.

Because I like skeletons more than I like penises. Well, then imagine it so you didn't think of a bone dildo. Catch him when he was 26, though. Exactly. Now, the villagers believed the worst was over, but three weeks later, the earth rumbled again. Farm animals began disappearing soon after and when a shepherd went to look for them, he found a perfectly round, bottomless hole in the ground, emanating a terrible stench.

Oh, I can't see it. I'm not gonna fucking see it. And the tree branches hanging above the hole were all leafless and twisted. Oh, my God. Don't mad at you. You fucking old dog, man. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

You make me same, man. Make me little dog. Yeah, you do think about a heavy set fella falling down, taking his pants off their fallen down and then farting on all the leaves? Yes. You think about a heavy set fella doing that? Yes, you do. Always do.

The villagers had no idea how deep the hole was, and they refused to venture down because of the smell. Barry, you've got a 10-inch dong, right? Yeah, sure. On Wednesdays. On Wednesdays? Well, it is Wednesday. Oh.

Can you just get that rock hard and go see if it's longer than 10 inches? I am not just a piece of meat to you. You are. Okay. You got it. Thank you, Barry. Well, they refused to venture down, but they could hear muffled murmurs coming from below. The villagers decided to leave the hole be, but days later, there was another rumble,

and a light could be seen shining from the cavity. Maybe just dump some mylanta in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess so. Finally, the villagers found that the hole had been covered by a landslide. Yeah. Fillywood Mac. Wow. Cover and evidence again.

Absolutely powerful song. Now, the Moonshaft book wraps it all up by saying that our precious, quote-unquote, scientific process for dating material is effectively useless. Yes. Because many scientific dating techniques are based on the amount of nuclear radiation present on Earth. Yeah, and I'm certain the geologists that are listening right now, I've literally like we have friends who are geologists and I'm certain they, I'm going to let you know, yeah,

you're being called out this Moonshaft episode. You're a pesky little science, doesn't even hold up to the flame of the Moonshaft. And the various buttholes that open up on the planet Earth because your whole system's wrong. You can't compete with people who just make it up. Yeah, you can't compete with it. No, you can't. They just said shit.

Yeah. And they wrote it in a book. That's it. All your years of schooling are gone. Yeah, they're fucked because the authors of the Moonshaft book claim that if advanced super civilizations like the Atlanteans existed before us, then they would have likely wiped themselves out with a nuclear war. And if that is true, then our current readings would be off base by millions of years.

Now you precious geologists sitting on your piles of money and your awards and your fame. And I know you got into the rock business. No, they got into it just for the fucking money, man. The geologists make a ton of money that work for the oil industry. Oh, actually, I was being facetious. I thought geologists made fucking nothing. I don't think geologists work for the oil industry. They make a shit ton of money.

Well, I guess there is a reason here. Okay. Yeah, but fuck you still. I'd say. Wow. Because can you argue with that if then? Can you argue with that if then? No, you really just wanted to tell a geologist, fuck you.

They're driving home right now. They're just at a horrible day. No, I am sorry. Maybe one of them family members is dead. They turn on the episode just to laugh. Just to forget for a second that they are geologists. I was being facetious. They're just making up rules.

They're just saying hypothetically that silence first exists. If Atlanteans first exists, and they then did wipe themselves out with a nuclear warhead. If they did all of that, then all of geology is wrong. Yeah, if that happened. Sure. Sure. Well, they say that the possibility of an Atlantean nuclear war muddles up the timeline so badly.

You're right. Atlanteans are actually tens of thousands of years old. Not millions. And then millions of years ago, that's when we had actual human civilizations. The first human civilizations, Atlantis, Lemuria, Agarta, and Shambhala. Do you understand that I'm only 23 years old? I didn't know that. There's a period of missing time within my own life that actually is retroactive.

I'm negative 10 years younger than you thought I was. No kidding. I believe it with all that butthole talk you did today. It's just young again. The final evidence they present is a stone slab discovered by a Russian scientist, which is alleged to be 120 million years old. Supposedly, this slab is a kind of 3D map of the Ural Mountain Range in Russia, which, the authors of the Moonshatt book, claim could only be constructed using space photos and

complex algorithms. Yeah, that's definitely not a rock with bumps on it. No. Because the map also shows 12,000 miles of canal systems and dams, as well as diamond-shaped structures and unknown text. This implies that some sort of civilization was once present in the Ural Mountains. Damn, dog. And honestly, I've been reading too much Graham Hancock to ever be perceived as a legitimate

person ever again, like I have been reading to it. So I do understand there is some, like they do talk about this shit all the time. But I might call BS on this rock. Some people are into this rock. Some people use this rock as proof positive that ancient civilizations once existed on this earth. They consider this to be the Rosetta Stone to understanding everything about ancient civilizations. Interesting.

But while all of this is probably just a huge coincidence, it might be evidence that the history of humans on earth is far stranger and far longer than we've all been led to believe. They're lying to us, man. Big clock is lying to us, dude. Wow, the Moonshatt. Calendar's not real, dude. The calendar is kind of real, also kind of not real, but it is important so we can catch

our flights on time. It's not real, bro. It's fucking year 1621, bro. Moonshatt. Time is not real. Schedules are. Thank you, Ben. No problem.

No problem there. Appointments are also very real. You can cancel it. Yeah, if you cancel it, then it becomes not real. But then you become god of time. Isn't that kind of fucking crazy? If you smoke enough weed, you understand that when you cancel on people, you just become the lord of clocks.

That's what people think of you. That's what people think. They don't think you're flaky and then stop inviting you out, and then you're like, why does nobody invite me out? And then they're like, because you never show up. No, no. You're the lord of the clocks. I see.

Well, thank you all so much for listening. You learned a lot today. We have some big, awesome news. So should we mention this comment? Everything. We got to do everything. But also, I want to first tee up. We are planning on a missing time episode.

It might not be soon, but we are starting to work on it. So this is just the tip of the fucking moonshaft. I don't want to trip anyone out too much, but we've already done it. The time isn't real, past is present, and future is now, but yes, we just started working on it. We've been right. We got two issues in the can. We're working on a collaboration with DC Comics, a writing comic book called So Plumber.

I can't believe it. I'm fucking, I'm beyond excited about this. The fucking John McCrae is doing the artwork for us. John McCrae, he's like, fuck it, you did Hitman with Garth Ennis. Right now he's doing an amazing run on Swamp Thing. It's fucking fantastic. I couldn't tell you how super fucking cool this is. Awesome.

So thank you all so much for supporting us in that venture, and those will be out at some point. October 5th. Also, we have a couple more live dates in 10 to 21. We'll be in Phoenix, Arizona. October 2nd. January 26th, 2022. That's over there.

That's another year. We're going to be in Richmond, Virginia. Yes. And then five, which I believe is May. It's May. May 12th, 13th, 14th. Yeah. May, May 12th, 22 will be in St. Louis, Missouri.

May 13th, 2022 will be in Indianapolis, Indiana. Coming to Indy. And May 14th, 2022, we'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So I can't, I really honestly, I can't believe that we're already halfway through this year. We're already in it, bro. Get over halfway. Do a last podcast on the left.com for all of our various dates, get them ticked out. Absolutely.

Very, very excited. Also, new coffee, Mothman Red Eye Blend. We're doing a lot of fucking shit. Yeah. We are. We're doing a lot of shit. Because this is like the Mothman coffee, like it's actually fucking amazing coffee. It's delicious.

It's Spring Hill Jack coffee. We drink this coffee ourselves. He made it. It's great shit, man. It's a specific blend. Yeah, fucking Spring Hill Jack, like it's one guy fucking following a dream, so like help this guy out by buying his coffee. He makes the best fucking coffee around.

He's running down a dream very, very fast because he's got to go to the bathroom because he's had his Spring Hill Jack. Seriously, man. It's going to make you dump. It's going to keep you awake. It's absolutely delicious. And it is a two, maybe three person team at Spring Hill Jack coffee. These guys, it is super indie.

We fucking love these guys and we're excited we get to work with them. And honestly, it has been already been an exciting year. And I don't physically feel good. On July 24th of this fine year, Henry Zabrowski and I will be in Whedon, we'll be slinging some sweet. We're also in from noon to four, from noon to four, we're also now in a new place called Sarah S. E. R. R. A. I believe here in Los Angeles, so I'm going to stop by there at some point.

So thank you all so much for stopping by all the places that have our weed right now. And yeah, last prisoner project, check them out, make sure you know, we're also advocating the last prisoner project trying to make sure that people can get out of jail for weed crimes. They shouldn't be in there and be in there anymore. And weed needs to be federally legal. We got to figure that out. Also we are working exclusively with the prisons to have our podcast Blair over the loudspeakers

24 hours a day. I think it wouldn't that be nice for them. It'd be good for prisoners. Yeah, we'll just have them put this episode specifically in the cells of every solitary confinement prisoner for the next six to eight months. What if we did live at Folsom, what if we did live at Folsom, we played a prison music does better in jail. All right, everyone.

Thank you all so much for listening. Hope you're doing well out there. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Oh, how keen. Magus Dalatians. Hail me, bro. All right.

Don't don't hail me, bro. But it's the opposite. Yeah, do hail you. Hail me, bro. All right. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to.

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