Last Podcast On The Left - Relaxed Fit: True Crime Roundup - Christmas 2022

Episode Date: December 24, 2022

The holiday season is upon us once again so it's time for a Christmas themed Relaxed Fit as the boys breakdown the disturbing Christmas Eve slayings of Bruce Pardo and the Covina Massacre, as well as a few classic Roundtable style tales of Holiday Hijinks to help you through the long holiday weekend.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Oh god, I love this part of this. Wow, it doesn't sound like you're lying at all. No man, what are you talking about? The way that your teeth are almost crying is you smile. Yeah, you're smiling, but you're not smizing.

No, see what I'm smiling in the traditional way that animals smile, which is they bear their teeth, which is to show aggression. True. Very cute. Oh my god, it's the Polish Piggy Zabrowski. I can't believe I managed to peel off some of this petroleum-based costume just enough. You have to finally get back at everybody on my fucking list. Oh yeah. I finally made it into the studio to record and I got to tell you what discerning, what was yarn and what was flesh took a long time.

Not sure what you're talking about. Look at the last podcast on the left. Everyone been hanging out with Henry and Marcus. Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season as much as humanly possible. Well, that's not exactly what Santa says. He says, ha, ha, ha, that's a different kind of Santa that only exists near Tampa. So today's episode. Oh, I hope you got loose pants on.

Did you just eat a whole turkey? I don't know. What do people eat on Christmas? Ham. This is honestly, this is Marcus's time period. It's ham time. If you could choose your astrological sign, you'd be ham. Specifically, I'd be a ham sandwich from a honey ham and it's got miracle whip and it's made with Mrs. Barrett's bread.

Well, that's great. Pigs are some of the smartest animals around. Maybe we should stop eating them, but don't talk to me about it. Honey ham. Honey ham. I said like ham. I feel like the pigs should try harder to get away. Absolutely.

And of course, honey ham is after you put a ring on it, then you can have a little nickname for it. So today's episode. I'm just, I'm past it. I'm already past it. I didn't get my Christmas wish. My Christmas never went through the front of my mouth to the back of my brain. You didn't get your gun yet. So it's Christmas true crime roundup 2022.

Right. Now our first story today is one of senseless violence that occurred right outside of Los Angeles back in 2008. Now this is one of those stories that I think came up on round table several times. It's come up on side stories before, but we've never really gotten into it. And so we figured that like, wouldn't it be refreshing for Christmas to really get into like, some fun violence to the big old swinging. Ooh, gotta go get them. Equal, equalizations of fates.

Absolutely. And this is the important thing about Christmas conversation. You want to have enough topics loaded that let the audience, in this case, your family say, that's interesting. But then also they're like, is he going to fucking kill us? That's how you get left alone as well. When you want to have your eggnog spiked it a little bit and sit in the corner and stare at the wall. Oh, that's dad planning.

Don't want to interrupt dad's planning because sometimes he fucking pops off. But I will say you notice all of these are Christmas based crimes. A lot of it's Christmas times, styled and Santa based crimes. I've never seen one, Kwanzaa Yam murder. We don't know. I haven't seen one. I haven't seen a dreidel murder. I haven't seen it.

It's just funny because it seems that yes, Christmas takes a ball out of the volume in the holiday discussion. But it also creates a lot of true crime opportunity. It'd be that there's eight days of Hanukkah by definition, there has to be more murders and crime that occurs during the Hanukkah season. Because Christmas is two days if you count the 24th and 25th. Technically Christmas lasts from Black Friday to fucking December 26th. Yeah. And I will say I've seen a lot of Santa Claus murders. I've seen no Hanukkah Harry murders.

This is what I'm saying. I didn't know Hanukkah Harry was a real thing. Yeah. Hanukkah Harry is totally a real thing. I mean, it's definitely, well, it's a thirsty attempt to try to catch up to the branding monster of this Christmas. Which I understand it's different than interesting. All I know is if you see a fucking elf on the shelf, joked a little fucking bastard. Yeah.

Christmas Eve of 2008. Oh. In the suburb of Covina, a man in a Santa Claus outfit walked into a Christmas party, opened fire with five handguns. And set the house aflame with a homemade flamethrower killing eight people. They're all just chestnuts to me. Well, Santa, I just gotta ask, what's in the bag? What's in the, what do you got in the bag there Santa? Oh, let me go check a look.

I didn't know if anyone of you kids had vengeance on your list for Christmas. The gunman was a 45 year old, highly annoying, sociopathic, true everyday dickhead named Bruce Pardome. Bruce Pardome. I can see it. Bruce of course put a gun in his mouth a few hours after the Christmas Eve massacre. Week way to go out. Yep. But dispelling the notion that guys like this simply snap, Pardo actually spent about six months planning this massacre.

Targeting this Christmas party in particular because it was an animal get together hosted by his former in-laws. Oh. His estranged ex-wife, of course, was guaranteed to be in attendance. Of all the Christmas crimes we've covered, there is just something sort of interesting about the idea of him sitting around like his obviously extended stay hotel, planning with a big scroll, just like Santa normally plans these types of things where he goes and like, you know, he has his elves, which is just a mannequins like maniac style, dressed up like elves from elf costumes that he got from the Halloween store. And he's sitting there like naughty, naughty, just like striking them off the list one by one. There had to be some in-law that he liked, somebody who was on the same info wars like feed.

There had to be somebody in this family that he enjoyed. As we'll get into later, even his own mother turned on it. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. He's an absolute gigantic piece of shit, irredeemable piece of shit. And he's one of those everyday pieces of shit. Like he's one of those like light sociopaths that you run into day after day, the guy who works the fucking DMV, the co-worker. Everybody's trying to get a leg up on you for no fucking reason. Just for your weird societal office points.

Fuck you. I'm assuming a flat top haircut kind of guy. Actually, yes. Mostly balding crew cut. Think about that. Bruce Pardo. As far as who Bruce Pardo was, he was charming and generous on the surface and was known to be exceptionally bright. Coincidentally for us, he actually worked at Jack Parsons Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

No kidding. Yeah, weird. And here's here him dressed up as Grumpy. Oh my goodness. He was the grumpiest dwarf of all. Yes, indeed. Wasn't he? And that was after Pardo graduated from Caltech, where Jack Parsons got his start in the rocket business.

And of course Grumpy Dwarf was just upset because he was fighting for civil rights for dwarfs and people like yourself, Mr. Zabrowski were maligning him. What? Maligning him? I thought he was grumpy because he wasn't allowed to be gay. He was mad. No, that's happy. Oh, no, no, that's happy. Who's happy to be gay?

Yeah. And Sneezy, who's Sneezy to be gay. Yeah. Yeah, that is. I love Sneezy. Yeah, I'll do. But even though Pardo was bright, he was lazy and he showed anti-social tendencies, although never on the scale of the Christmas Eve Massacre. Oh yeah, he didn't do a Thanksgiving Massacre.

He didn't do an Arbor Day Massacre. That is one of those where you get one. You get one Massacre. He never showed violence before this. I mean, he was, like I said, he was one of those light sociopaths that foul and litter everyday society. For example, Pardo used his computer skills to hack into the JPL systems to see the salaries of his coworkers. Oh, what an ass. Well, hey, technically, if he should disclose the salaries to help everybody negotiate, but, you know, that is absolutely completely and utterly inaccurate.

But he hacked in just to see if he could find some sort of slight. Of course. To see if there was something against him. Of course. Yeah. No, everything checks out. The chicks are making 70 cents to the dollar. High fives themselves.

Sweet. Good work, Santa. Nice. And he was said at JPL to come and go as he pleased, no matter the consequences it might have on others. In his personal life, Pardo showed definite sociopathic tendencies at the age of 24 when he got engaged to a JPL coworker. Also, if you're upset that I just mentioned the wage gap and you're like, you too could be a Pardo. No, you're technically. It's my favorite.

Start a sentence. See, Pardo wasn't good with money and he was living with his mother at the time. Oh, sex. So his fiance used her savings to pay for the weddings, country club reception and the honeymoon to Tahiti. Let me tell you this as a fellow married person. Don't spend your savings on a wedding. No. If you're going to save, if you're going to spend your savings, spend it on the honeymoon.

Like spend it, like really blow it out on a vacation. You're going to remember it's so much more. It's going to be so much of a better excuse to spend the money. You can get married at a core house. Fuck your mother. I would say also when it comes to the wedding itself, unless you have like a member of the extended family that wants to pay for it, they're not getting one. The wedding is just a colossal pain in the ass. Why bother wasting your cash on having to host a party where they yell at you about charger plates?

Well, the hosting a party is really fun, but it's just more if you don't have the money to do it, don't put yourself into debt for it. Yeah. That's what I'm saying too. Weddings could be beautiful. It was very nice. We love their weddings. Your team, this is not a personal indictment on either of your weddings. Well, it sounds like it.

It sounds like somebody's- It was like dude, I do. Was I happy when I had to fly there? I didn't mark us as here. Yeah, I'm here now. I'm here now to stand up for us married men. Us trads. Yeah.

Well, on the day of the wedding, Pardo, perhaps he agreed with you, Ben. He was a no-show. Oh, shit. Well, you have to show off. You guys are very similar. I'm not similar. No, I would have paid for the wedding. I'm just saying.

And also, no, I would not have no-show my own wedding. I love this guy. I love this guy. Every episode. I wonder if- I wonder if he loved Randy Kraft as well. I wonder if he had a big poster of Randy Kraft. They're both Los Angeles guys, so I don't know.

Who does know? But again, every time we talk about a sociopath or our moments of humanity, we're like, yeah, maybe he did get cold feet and that's allowed. It is. Well, no, as it turned out, he actually took the $3,000 that was supposed to go to the wedding. He went to the credit union. He withdrew it.

He went to Palm Springs for three weeks, treated himself, and blew every red scent. That's a new kind of husband. I and your old, funny, dirty husband, they get married to you and spend the money that you've made on you and us and shit. Like, I spend that same money on me. I wonder why the in-laws didn't like him. Yeah. Well, that wedding did not happen.

No. No. That woman definitely- Yeah. She got rid of Pardo soon after that when he showed up with a fucking tan. Oh my God. What a check. There must have been- honey, you wouldn't even believe that I was caught in a bomb testing-

He's Jet Propulsion's laboratory. You never know. I would have said the tan came from being burned by rockets. It's a great idea. You can- this is where you say I was abducted. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, he came back with that, what's the big deal? Type attitudes. Attitudes. Like, what's the big deal? Yeah, I didn't feel like it. You know, I went to Palm Springs. I had to clear my head. You ready to get married, babe?

It's got a big deal. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Big deal. Well, friends also said that there were signs that Pardo was completely detached from the welfare of other people. Once on a rafting trip, a friend said she fell overboard and nearly drowned.

Instead of helping her, Pardo just pointed and laughed. It's never good when the guy who's piloting the raft gives you one of those Hawaiian like, Mahalo. If it's like- Mahalo. It's Mahalos. It's that attitude. Yeah.

If it goes in too deep, you're a psychopath. Yeah. How funny did she look? Because the thing is like, oh, I'm trying to read this. It's like, oh, I know I should help. But Susan, this is gold. Yeah. And this is also, this is what?

This is America's funniest home videos time? Well, yeah. It's 2008. It's winding down. But yeah. I do. I mean, that's the thing. Yeah.

Is it like reporter stomping grapes? Funny? Is it like on that level? That's different. We all knew that she was going to be alive because she was making noise. The thing is about drowning is what's so insidious about drowning. Silence. The silence.

Right. So it was rude that he did that. Yeah. It was rude. It was rude. Yeah. It was rude. By 2004, Pardo was introduced to a woman named Sylvia Orza through her brother-in-law,

who also worked at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. And the old Pardo Orza wedding. Hmm. Jet. Jack Parson lives. Yeah. Orza already had three kids from two previous marriages, and some of Pardo's friends figured that this was a good opportunity for Pardo to settle down.

Oh, yeah. Because he is definitely an eligible bachelor. Yeah. Everyone's excited lining up for him. Yeah. He's going with the microwave dinner approach to having a family. Yeah. Quick and easy already done for you.

Yeah. And for a while he did settle down. He married Sylvia in early 2006, bought a three bedroom home, and got Nikita named Saki. Cute. Pardo was also a regular usher at the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church for every Sunday Mass. Right. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly. Yeah.

His fake life was really on track. Mm-hmm. Never trust the usher. Well, this is the problem is that the problem with poor Sylvia is that she didn't know that she was leading a fake life. Yeah. Because the thing about a fake life is a lot of times you don't find that out. Yeah.

After it's all like showed up, like that CIA officer who found out that he was married to the Russian spy for years and she was having his babies and shit. Is that sometimes you just don't know. Yeah. So is that fun to think about? John Caracow. Listen to that on Abelgin's top bat. It makes you have no more trust in humanity.

So that would be fun for the holiday season. Yeah. But after about a year of marriage, Pardo became cold and distant. And when Pardo's mother got closer to Pardo's wife, Sylvia was told that Pardo had abandoned a severely disabled son and was still claiming him as a tax deduction. Yes. So his first move was to, he did have a disabled son that he just like forgot about. He just magically forgot about.

It was like, what? What? What? Like he did that. Like what? No, I'm going to Palm Springs. Yeah. And it seems like Pardo's mother recognized her son as a bad person before anyone else did.

And in fact, she seemed to immediately prefer her new daughter-in-law to her sociopathic son. Well, I mean, she made him. Can she just like change him? You don't know. You know what? That's what it's like to my mom. But when my mom used to say, she's like, you know what, Henry Thomas? No, I don't just love you.

I like you. It's so gross. It's weird. That's gross. That's very nice. No, it's not because then she calls him Jesus and this whole thing. That's a whole separate thing. She said that I was-

She calls you Jesus. Well, she said I was the lost soul of an alchemist who uses powers for bad. So I have tremendous innate ability and I need to use my powers for good. And that's what I learned when we had a past life regression at a 12 step store at Atlantic Avenue in Queens when I was a child. Okay. So you were formerly a bad alchemist? I was in a previous life.

I was a powerful alchemist who used his powers for bad. But did they say what you did exactly specifically? I think he invented gaping or like he did something- What's wrong with that? He tore the labels off of mattresses? I'll tell you what's wrong with that. There's no reason to have gaping every two and a half minutes. Every two and a half minutes.

Sometimes it's every 45 seconds they stop and they gape and then they go back to it and they stop and they gape and they go back to it. It's just okay, man. What are we bragging you? Yeah, that's the whole point with the plot. It's performance. I like slam dunks. I like three point shots.

What are you guys, just like a bunch of layups in your basketball? Yeah, I love the WNBA. We know this. We've talked about this. Absolutely. When it comes to pornography, yes. Stick to the fundamentals. Oh my God.

That's what I'm saying, man. The fun, the mental. Put fun in it. It's the whitest conversation we've ever had. That's great. No, I like fucking all of it. What are you saying? Spread it around.

Fundamentals. But eventually, the weirdness, the deceptions and the secrets took a toll on Pardo's marriage and Sylvia separated from him in 2008. Now Sylvia asked if she could stay in their home while her daughter finished her last few months of kindergarten but just to be a dick, Pardo threw all her stuff on the front lawn while she was at her niece's birthday party. Yeah, I guess. He's immediately waging personal war at the very beginning of the divorce settlement because again, he's a massive prick.

Yes, yes. And that's the thing is that all of this happens basically within a year. Like, you know, the separation is at the beginning of 2008. The massacre is at the end. The one thing that's a little bit refreshing about all this is, oh, he was such a nice guy. I can't believe he would do that. Not in this case.

Yeah. He's a fucking asshole. That's been a pet peeve of mine for a long time because also that was all bullshit because I saw interviews about Dahmer growing up and they'd be like, he was just quiet and really sweet. And now we know he was never nice. No, he was sweet. He was fucking weird at all times.

Shocker, a lot of serial killers are assholes. Yes. And guys who do commit anything that you'd label a massacre. A lot of times are not like the funnest, coolest cat around. Like it's not the guy that's like giving, you know, skateboards out to the kids at school who you should also be investigating. The skateboard guy? He's just handing out skateboards because boards are like 75 bucks.

Right. What's he up to? He's a grooming. Yeah. I mean, it could just be a really nice gentleman who's like, maybe it's Tony Hawk. That's different. There was a guy when I was a kid, a guy in my small town that gave away

these really rare baseball cards. And I now see back in the day that I ducked out just before things got really good. That's that Tony Hawk. That's Brian Goose. Yeah. It's Brian Goose. You don't want to be anywhere near him. He calls you want to come over for a pocket party and you're like, what?

Mr. Goose. It just seemed like per capita your small town had more pedophiles than a prison. Most small towns do have a lot of pedophiles. There were a ton of pedophiles in my small town, but that's the things that I think that what that says is that pedophiles are really everywhere. They're everywhere. But in a small town, you just hear about it a lot more.

Like the magnification comes down a lot harder. Or they went away from society in order to be alone because they were tempted by the children. So they couldn't be in a society, but then they end up outside of Abilene. And then it's, you know, kids are still there. Yeah. Yeah. They keep showing up.

Yeah. Kids, they just pop up because you can make them. Yeah. Yeah. Now, incredibly, Pardo tried reconciling with his wife after actually, you know, one thing I do want to say is I did go through it with my therapist this morning about how truly scary the place that I grew up in actually was. That's why you're a bone person.

Yeah. Like it formulates things for a reason. Yeah. You know, I was in a mess with true crime and aliens and ghosts because I saw human bones on the street in New York city when I was growing up. That's why I was never scared of city life. I was always, I think it's Texas chance on mass. I'm still more scared when I stay in the country than I am in the city.

I don't like all the silence. No, it's freaky. Yeah. It was all bones, dirt, death, suicides and molestations. That was my childhood. And that goblin you had outside your door. The goblin was also quite scary. I don't know, Mary.

I got raised up in that Texas funky suit. I think she's a little bit funky down in Lubbock. Not Lubbock. Rochester, my friends. Wow. Life from your grave. Now, incredibly, Pardo tried reconciling with his wife after the split through a lawyer. That's how big of a dick he was.

Oh my God. But after she said no way in hell, a diabolical plan for revenge began to percolate. She didn't even do anything wrong. No. Unfortunately though, Pardo seemed to be unbothered. His divorce attorney said that he accepted the breakup. And while he was slightly depressed, he was never upset and was always congenial. I'd say from zero to shoot up all of my in-laws.

He's like a zero. He's a zero. But the thing is, I'm going to maybe express this. Just so you know. Yeah, congenial is fine. You have to really look at the response. And it's not just because, like, it's not just lack of exclamation points in an email. Yeah.

Right? If you're getting a lot of terse, like, yeah, sure. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I'll handle that. Yep. Things are not good.

Things are not good. No. You think things are fine because you don't, you want them to be fine. Yeah. But if you're getting a lot of, yeah, sure. Right on that. Yeah. Just because you're not getting into active conflicts with that person doesn't mean that

everything's fine. No. That's why you got to dig in all time. Press. Press. Press. That'll do it. Be first offender.

Sure. Well, Pardo switched jobs to a Van Nys defense contractor in the summer of 2008, but he was soon fired for billing fraudulent hours. No one might say. It says here that you worked 29 hours on Monday. Yeah. There's only 24 hours in the day. What are the extra five hours?

Let me start with this thing called neutrinos. Right? Yeah. Neutrinos are the basis for all reality. Right? And dark matter is the reason why. Bigfoot can travel between trees and hide himself despite being a large mass. Yes.

And we'll see here. See this, this is looks, it says three zeros on top of each other, like a snowman, which isn't a number. No, no, no. That's a snowman. That is a snowman. So you clocked in at snowman and then you left dark matter time. Okay.

Now, one might say that this firing was the proverbial straw that set Pardo on the path to violence as it often happens with dipshit killers like this, who can't handle disappointment and failure. Because this is, he's as close as we've come to like, besides John, you know, he's a family annihilator. Like it's that loss of status. It seems a lot of times are really set these guys up because it's, uh, because it's, uh, Christmas time.

Stressful too. But that's the thing. The loss of status started in early 2008 and he started planning for this shit in that fucking heat of summer. Also Christmas is stressful when you have to go to the in-laws party. He didn't. He was not a go to the bar. He is.

I'm, I'm, that's true. He really just been like, man, he had a great Christmas plan. He could have really just got fucked up in big waves, man, get to make rib. Have a great time. Hang out with the other divorce guys. Yeah. Yeah. You'll find some local.

Like you'll find a Santa, a giving Santa woman very easily. I'm definitely getting some Steven Paddock vibes from this guy though. Real similar kind of storylines, but as we know from sales records, Pardo had already set his ultimate plan into motion two weeks before he'd been fired. That started on June 13th. On that day, Pardo drove to a gun store in Burbank on Magnolia Boulevard, gun world. I know that one. Yeah.

I saw it on my way to the record store last weekend. You guys all want to go fucking take pictures in front of you. Let's do the gun world. Where's the Santa hat? Gun world. It's a big sign. It's very eye catch. Oh, I wonder if they have all the drinks from around the world like they do at Disney

World. I don't think they do. It's a gun store. I think that if you go and get a cup of Kahlua at the gun store, everyone's going to be really mad. Evidently during COVID, there was a line around the block. No, we knew. At gun world.

Everyone wanted their guns. Yeah. Because the revolution definitely made it to Burbank. They should have been lined around atomic records. I went by the other day. That place is fucking incredible. I got a first pressing of Plantasia. Wow.

I'm telling you, my life's already changing living here. Oh, that's the plant music. The plant music. Yeah, the Mort Garson. That's right. But Cramps used to shop all the time. Is that that record store? Yeah.

Poison Ivy apparently still lives here in North Hollywood. Let's go find her. No. Leave her alone. Let her grieve after Luxe. Let her leave her alone. And of course, plants can often help with cramps. What?

Plants. Women get cramps. Boys get cramps too. We need to think that a woman should go sit on a fern or something or cramps go out. That's a whole nother. You took him an aloe? No. Is an aloe help with cramps?

A lot of plants help. I've got no one to look to. No, no one can answer this question. I can't tell you what plants help with cramps. But I know what some do. I'm going to call my wife. I didn't call her. Well, at Gun World, Pardo purchased his first gun, a Zig Zauer nine millimeter semi-automatic

handgun for $1,000 cash. Or actually, it was $995.95. Zig Zauer sounds like it's made of like chocolate. It sounds like super fun, like in the beginning of Willy Wonka. Zig Zauer? Of a Zig Zauer Willy Wonka chocolate bar or a Zippity Zappity. And unfortunately, you're fucking incorrect because it's an implement of death. Now, I will say that about a week.

Yeah. Give them a look. Give them a look, Henry. This. I've been doing a lot of that with Natalie. You know, remember that old tweet that people used to do? They'd go this. This.

And then that's it. I say that to like a song or something comes on. Coldplay's scientist came on. I went this. And she said that's how it's used. But I was like this. Yeah, there you go. See, that's how you win.

I'll just leave that there. That's it. That's the tweet. I don't know who needs to hear this. Well, maybe you shouldn't fucking tweet it. Now, I will say that about a week after Pardo got fired, he went back to gun world and picked up another six hour, which implies that things just got out of hand. Oh, I got one gun. Let's get another gun.

But when we look at the ensuing pattern, we see that this was Pardo's plan from the start. See, by California law, a person can buy only one concealable firearm every 30 days. When we look at Pardo's shopping history, we can see that he was obviously planning for a Christmas surprise. 30 days after he bought his first gun, he bought a second. 30 days later, he bought another. I feel like there just needs to be like a list. A limit. He's doing it illegally.

I know that. I know. But I just feel like maybe he's using Christmas time. You could also give gifts. Gift. Gift a gun this Christmas. Gift a gun because he returned in October and November for guns four and five. So every 30 days, you have a pretty bunch of guns.

Like it's not good. A punch card for guns. Yeah. Oh, I got a free subway sub. If I get my six gun, was it all the same gun? Yes. Yeah. He's not even creative.

Every 30 days, he's showing up at gun world and saying, give me another six hours. That would be a red flag because if you're getting different guns, I'm like, all right, I guess he loves guns. Maybe he's trying to claim one over and over and over again. But I think if you're working at gun world, if you own gun world, you have to be separated. You have to say like, yep, I just sell these guns. And then what happens when these guns go out of my door, ain't my business. Listen, when it comes down to each one of these guns, as a citizen of the United States of America. And if someone wants to come and adopt one of these special unhomed guns, I'm not going to stand in their way because all I do is hear them crying.

I know. Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me. I wish I could, I wish I could take every gun and shoot every man and woman and child that I see just to express it for them. That's their dream. That's their dream. But how am I, why would I keep a gun from his father? Well, further proving that this plan was a long time coming. Pardo ordered a custom made Santa Claus outfit from a neighbor in September saying that he needed it for an upcoming children's party at the end of November.

Let me see if I can see how he said it. I'm going to need the Santa costume for an upcoming children's party. Well, when I think of children and fun, I think of you, Pardo. Yes, thank you very much. Also, can I get three little Santa hats? Can I get five little Santa hats for each one of my guns? Yes, thank you very much. It will be a fun holiday season. Happy holidays.

Do you celebrate Hanukkah? Very good. Give blessings to your rabbi for me. Fantastic. No, I'm going to a Christmas party. I love you. I can see why the kids love you. Well, apparently he was very congenial. So I think he did show it.

Me like, yeah. Yeah. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo.

Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo.

Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo.

Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. Whooo. And then they're about eight inches of like, how do I put it? They're like, they're my family. How do I describe my family? I need room all inside of my clothes for my family. Absolutely. It's just a Glock related gun. Is that what the glitz is about?

It's a nine millimeter. I think, I don't know. I'm not going to make a gun statement and have a bunch of fucking guns. By the way, please don't... It's, uh, it's Armillite. It's a straight up Glock. It's a straight up Glock. Um, I think Santa would be armed if he was real. Of course. Oh yeah, of course. He's from the fucking, uh, he's from the far north. No, Santa doesn't need to be armed. He's magic. That depends if you're a toolside. He is elemental magic.

All you have to do is go like, Santa Claus, baby. To the wings of High Claw! And then he like, makes you like, just split up into a bunch of different birds and he'll trap you in a prism. He can do something like that. Or maybe he spins you into the non-world. Or then he shoots his reindeer at you. He's like, go get him, Donna. So in your world, Santa Claus has access to the Phantom Zone? That's what I would say. I mean, how else does he travel? That's a solid point.

Interesting. Dark matter. Again, like it comes down to what if you can very... Well, you can disassemble your fucking neutrinos. Yeah. You can spin opposite. Yeah. Yep. It says you worked here on Flurm Day, which is not a day in the week.

No, you see, Flurm Day is in my religion. Just so you know, first of all, I've changed religion. So that is a religious based calendar decision that I have made. And that's between Monday and Tuesday. And that day is 48 hours long and it is billable. I can bill it all for golden time. Okay. You know, golden time? You're double, double.

Close to being fired. As long as I'm only close. Okay. Well, you probably told the neighbor he needs the extra room for stuffing. I want to be a big, fat Santa Claus. Sure. But the real reason... Like I imagine I was really strapped with bullets.

Yeah. But the real reason was, of course, not only for the five handguns, but also for the thousands of dollars in cash that he was planning to plastic wrap to his body so he could escape immediately after the massacre. Oh my fucking moron. Also as a, for a plan, it's stupid. Yeah. Right.

Like even as a plan, like this, this concept of like, cause again, but well, a lot of divorce energy. Yeah. Like this concept of like, I'm hiding it from her. She can't even get this money. I just feel like... Rob Riggle. You saw that story about Rob Riggle who hid 40K during his divorce settlement.

He hid it in the house. Yes. And then she went and broke in and took the money. His ex-wife took the money. And I'm sure he loves being brought up in this conversation. Great. For a former moraine. That's fantastic to honor him that way.

He's not even... This is not a 20 year marriage gone wrong. No. This is a, what were they married for? A month? Five months? A year? Two years.

Two years. That is not a very difficult divorce. Well, I actually feel like it's kind of the opposite. I feel like when you have a long marriage, there's so many other more subtle ways to enact revenge over the years that actually you don't have to a lot of times do a big ol' annihilation. So this is, so it's the equivalent of him not having 20 years of keeping the toilet seat up is him annihilating her entire family.

Yes. That's your theory. Hey, man. I'm just got a Santa hat on. I don't know who needs to hear this. But Henry has a theory. Now, interestingly, Pardo, in contrast to other mass killers we've covered recently like Andrew Kehoe of the Bath School Massacre.

Pardo continued applying for jobs in the tech industry. See, Kehoe, he knew once he did it, he was out. But Pardo, he wanted to keep up appearances because he thought that he was actually going to escape. How? He had a plan. He had a plan. I actually kind of weirdly think that if he did score another job,

he might have not done the plan. Like, maybe. Depends on the type of job. I don't know. It's about status. Like, if he could maybe have gotten his status back, but not to blame anybody. Aren't you already past that point though when you're going to go and plan something like this? You've purchased six guns.

Five guns. Five guns. Five guns in a Santa suit. Don't be unreasonable. I'm sorry. Five. Five in a custom-made Santa suit. Yeah.

Well, around this time, Pardo went and visited an old high school friend named Steve Irwin, which I believe is the second Steve Irwin that showed up in a last podcast episode that wasn't the actual Steve Irwin. Different spelling. Yeah. Also, Steve Irwin's son, he is a hunk and he's just like Steve and he is funny and he's taking care of animals too. You know, there's a cover up.

There's a cover up. He wasn't really killed by those men. He was though, but no, he wasn't. Because why would a man that works with a man who works with some of the most dangerous wild animals that have ever lived. And he got wiped out by the fucking dumbest little one. No, it's not the dumbest little one. It was a stingray. It's literally a stingray.

He was the crocodile hunter and then he got murdered by a manta ray. I thought you just said it was a cover up. It's a cover up. That's what I'm saying. Big if true. I just think it's more reasonable that he just got killed by one of the animals. Yeah, man. So that's because you're trying to be reasonable.

Like some kind of cuck. All right. I'm being real and saying there was a there was a fucking there's a game of foot here. That was all about the fact that he I mean something about big game hunters CIA. He was not a big game hunter. No, the big game hunters are going after him because he's a conservation. He's fucking up their game. He's just a big game follower.

That would be a group of people that I would not mind to be round up and then just randomly shot in the woods. Sure. Right. Surviving the game with big game hunters. Oh yeah. Just put one with a little rabbit tail. We get Donald Trump Junior versus a hippo.

Oh, that'd be great. Well, when Pardo went to go visit Steve Irwin, Pardo told Steve that the divorce was highly embarrassing, especially after his own mother decided to start sitting with his wife's family at the divorce hearings. I mean, not fucking didn't like him. Not only does your mother show up to your divorce hearings, but shows up to make a point to sit with your wife's family to show you how much she dislikes. This is my gun.

This is my guns lawyer. We're all hanging out here. We're going to lunch. Yeah. I'm actually going to pause it. Maybe his mother was as much of a bitch as he is because well, why show up at all if you're just going to actively sit on the wrong side or against your son. Truthfully told us that she knows that it's because he is becoming unhinged and she's

trying to like make a point. She's trying to shut him now, but it's not working. That's not how that's going to happen. Well, Pardo was in Iowa. He took advantage of Iowa's lax gun laws. He bought 16 handgun magazines capable of holding 18 bullets each. I love those handgun magazines. Gun pinup.

Have you ever been to gun taboo tattoo with you? Have you seen that one? One of the first things I ever jerked off to was a shotgun with huge fucking tits. Real hot. Yeah. Come on. Tell me about it. Pull my trigger and I'm like, I'll pull your trigger after I pull my own trigger.

You talking about attempting suicide? No, man. I'm talking about jerking out, man. Well, 18 bullets. That's eight more bullets than were allowed in magazines sold here in California. Pardo then returned home and picked up his custom Santa suit, which ended up costing $300 plus a $20 tip at Jerry's costume, which is also still there. And it's home to no less than 29 five star reviews.

I wouldn't cut off the Santa suit. I wouldn't sell that anymore. No more. Why, you know, and maybe just fill out a small questionnaire. Yeah. Pardo also began building a custom made implement of death out of a standard air compressor using two tanks, one for fuel and one for propulsion. Pardo built a homemade flamethrower and kept it in his backyard shed until the Christmas

Eve party. He's like that dude from no country for old men. Oh, sure. Yeah. That was one of the coolest massive evil weapons ever. Yeah. It's pretty sweet. Now Pardo, of course, killed himself hours after the massacre, as many of them do, but

that was not the plan. See the Friday before Christmas, soon after his divorce was finalized, Pardo bought a round trip plane ticket to go visit Steve Irwin for two weeks. But he was planning on coming back though. It might be a time where you take a one way. No, he's trying to keep up appearances. Yeah. You also, I think a lot of these guys too, they don't know how this shit's going to

shake out. Yeah. And so they do that. I think that there's a human impulse to plan for the future. And you want to do, you keep kind of like, yeah, sure. You're in this hazy area where like, am I going to do this thing? Like maybe, because at any point he could not do this thing. But don't you think it's also like perfectly covered Metrex once again?

Sure. Yeah. And he's coming back to the one way around trip ticket. Absolutely. He's coming back to the crime scene. That's stupid. Yeah. So I think he's trying to outsmart.

He's just really stupid. He is. It's a part of his plan. Yes. Because at the same time, he also rented a Toyota RAV4 and a Dodge caliber, then packed the Toyota with maps of the Southwestern United States and Mexico, plus water, food, clothing, a can of gas and both a laptop and a desktop computer. Obviously Steve Irwin was meant to be a misdirection while Pardo's plan was to escape to Mexico.

Yep. Yeah. Because everyone just drives around with a full desktop computer in their car. Always. And so on Christmas Eve, Pardo parked the loaded Toyota near the home of his ex-wife's divorce attorney because the party wasn't going to be Pardo's only stop that night. It's got to be kind of half dangerous to be a divorce attorney. Yeah.

I wonder how often this happens. SideStoriesLPOTLandgmail.com. I'd love to hear any more stories about like, if you are a divorce attorney, these guys ever showed up and freaked out because that has to happen. It has to. What was that? I forget the reason. Remember that one footage of the lawyer who was ducking behind the tree and the guy kept

on shooting at him? Yeah. What was that story? I don't know if that was a divorce story, but attorneys? Yeah, dude. They work with a lot of fucking crazy people sometimes. Yeah. Well, the plan was that Pardo would carry out his massacre at his ex-in-law's house before

then he burned the fucking place down. After that, he drive the Dodge to the attorney's house, kill him and presumably his family, then make his escape in the Toyota to Mexico. To complete the subterfuge, Pardo called Steve Irwin and told him that he'd see him the next day, which would have driven the investigation north to Iowa, buying Pardo just enough time to make it over the border. And we definitely know Pardo planned on escaping immediately after because when he went to the party to take his petty revenge, he had $17,000 in cash plastic wrapped to his body.

Actually, I know in the scene during, in Wolf of Wall Street, when the young woman had all the money taped to her body in that scene, it's very uncomfortable. Yeah. It's got to be. Well, you know, I have a family story. Was she complaining a lot? She was nude underneath it, so it was very, it was very uncomfortable, but I could see like, that's not going to help you not be ornery.

I have an old family story about someone there. Oh, do you? Swiss bank account. Oh, yeah, no way. Do you guys also have like this, the, the lance of Excalibur wasn't even close? The sphere of destiny. Do you have the sphere of destiny as well? No.

Did you fucking come over and your fucking grandfather's asshole, did he shove a big spear up his ass? No, it is yours. It is ours. It is yours tonight. Do you guys, do you guys have that conversation? No. On the night of the massacre, Pardo ripped a big rail of cocaine and walked out the front

door of his house. Is that what you would sing? That's the song in your head. If you did cocaine. I'm going nowhere. Somebody help me. That works. Somebody help me.

Yeah, that's good. This is my cocaine truck. You can't see it. Yeah. On the podcast. It works. Yeah. All right.

Well, when he walked outside, he was spotted by his next door neighbor, a guy who told the Los Angeles Times that his name was Bong Garcia. I don't know if that is, is getting to get, all I know is that the Los Angeles Times like listen to a lot of people want to fucking come at me man about my name and my attitude to do, but I have a fucking disability. I got a permanent stoneritis, man, it's a fucking hassle, bro. You think I want to have this fucking accent, dude, bryster, no, no, I don't want to be this man.

I don't want him to be a fucking lawyer, man. I mean, I think that was God trying to derail this entire thing because why not just go party with Bong Garcia and stop killing this family? His name's not Bong Garcia, but that's why it's fun. It's just some guy. It's just some guy. Well, but all we know is we don't know if his name was Bong Garcia or if the Los Angeles Times went and talked to him and he refused to give any other name besides Bong Garcia.

That's the reason you hang out with him on Christmas. He's fun, but he's not Bong Garcia until he is the secret witness to your murderous. You know what I mean? Now Bong said that Pardo walked by dressed as Santa while Bong and his nephew were having a smoke outside, but Pardo didn't seem upset or angry. Oh, fuck, man. Look, Bruce is having a good night. It's good.

I'm Santa Claus, man. You go and you bring your presents around, man. He may have been calm because he knew this was going to be the big day. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. He's waving and smiling. Yeah.

That's what they say a lot of times. People that suffer from depression, that have made the decision to commit suicide. They say that they lighten up and then that's kind of where, or people who come out of a chronic depression are actually, that's when the most suicidality occurs. It's because they are actually getting the will back to do it, which is actually very scary. Absolutely. And then whenever you receive the gifts from the friend who is going to commit suicide,

do you have to give them back? So if I was going to commit suicide, Henry, you get my, no, Marcus, you get my truck. Thank you. Marcus gets the truck. Yeah, you can't. You can't. You're not tall enough. No, I put some, I drove the Yukon.

That's true. And I would give you my big TV. Okay. So you're saying if you try to commit suicide, but you don't succeed, would we have to? No, if I do succeed, it would make you feel horrible. You have to drive it all the time. And then every time you'd watch the big TV, you'd be like, I feel like you're doing this out of like spite for us.

Yeah. I'm scared. Yeah, buddy. I'm really scared of this whole thing. Well, when Bong saw Pardo walking out, the only weird thing Bong noticed was that Pardo didn't take either of his two dickhead cars. He had an Escalade and he had a Hummer. Okay.

That's all, man. It's all my cloud killers, man. Yes. Instead, Pardo drove away in the rented Dodge caliber. Now hours passed between Bong's siding of Pardo and Pardo's arrival at the party and nobody knew what Pardo actually did that whole time. Most likely Pardo was doing more cocaine in the Dodge caliber, but around 1130 on Christmas Eve, there came a knock at the door of James and Alicia Ortega, Pardo's in-laws.

Outside was Bruce Pardo, who just discarded his Santa hat and the fake glasses he was wearing as a disguise out in the front yard. He was probably hammered. I mean, yeah, he was all fucked up. Just as the idea that no one would recognize me if I put these Clark Kent glasses on. I think it's more like he, right before he walked in, he wanted everyone to know it was him who did it. Oh yes.

Yeah. Inside, there were about 25 people. Wow. I mean, it was the annual Christmas party. A lot of kids there and a large number of adults were gathering near the front door, getting ready to leave. In other words, they were in the worst possible place for this to happen. That's what I was saying.

My family events ended much earlier than that. Yeah, it was a nice night. It's Christmas Eve. People stay up late on Christmas Eve because, you know, they were all playing hard games. I don't have a very fun family. Yeah. After the knock, Pardo opened the door and with gun in hand, he began firing immediately he shot an eight-year-old girl in the face who thankfully turned her head at just the

right angle to survive. But the gun wasn't Pardo's only weapon. Dragging behind him, filled with racing car fuel, was the homemade air compressor flamethrower which Pardo had wrapped in Christmas paper like an asshole. What the fuck? It's just like, it's that style of like, it's the BTK thing. It's the BTK thing of like, he's being cute and fun in his own mind. He's trying to, but just again, it makes him that much more of a fucking dickhead.

Absolutely. Now, as Pardo fired more bullets from the five semi-automatic handguns he had strapped to his body. The party goers smashed through windows, hid behind furniture and ran upstairs or out the back door to escape the gunfire, grabbing children along the way. Thankfully no children were killed. Jesus. Immediately, one of the Ortega's sons recognized the shooter and yelled, it's Bruce.

Oh yeah, man. That sounds like, that's like from The Shining, dude. Yeah. I'm just happy, yell. It's Santa Claus. And then that would have ruined Santa for the kids forever. Well, the little girl did yell at Santa Claus. Yeah.

I mean, that's pretty brutal. Yeah. You see that they canceled the Santa Tracker on Twitter. They canceled Santa because of the, because Musk was purging anybody that was tracking private flights. So they got rid of the Santa Tracker and I feel like this is just the beginning of that. Yeah.

I feel like after this, honestly, we should know where Santa is. They did local news stories on the Santa Tracker and Steven's points. They did local news stories on Santa Tracker everywhere. It's a fun thing. The Santa Tracker. Everyone loves Santa Tracker. Especially if you need to know where Santa is. You know what I mean?

Oh, absolutely. Well, another relative called 911 to say, Bruce Pardo is here to kill us. And further identification was made because who else was at the party but his own mother? Oh my God. Now most of the eight people killed, including the elder Ortega's, were shot in the dining and living rooms. Thankfully no children died because most of them were in the back playing video games when Pardo barged in.

But after a good amount of gunfire, Pardo decided it was time to burn the place down. Using his device, Pardo sprayed the living room with racing car fuel. But since he'd been too liberal with the stream, and probably because he was pretty fucked up, he splashed some of the fuel on an active fireplace. The fire quickly traced back to the tanks and both of them exploded. Oh my God. The house was immediately engulfed in flames and a 17 year old kid was upstairs. He was killed in the blast.

Pardo, however, managed to somehow get back to his car just before the SWAT team showed up. Wow. He then drove 40 miles to his brother's house, covered in second and third degree burns so bad that his santa suit had melted into his skin. It's a fucking horror movie. Very much so is. That's why we're covering it.

This is also a reminder to anybody if you have a polyester based costume. You want a flame retardant santa suit. That's the fucking morals you're going up to saying. I'm saying it's the one that our listeners are most likely to heed and need. Besides that. What about not bringing the tank for the race? Yes. Our fans aren't going to be doing anything like that, but our fans are certainly a costumed

people. Yes. You have to make sure you have to be careful when you're wearing a type of petroleum based costume because it melts to your skin. It becomes like a napalm. Yeah. That's why you got to wear wool. Yeah.

You should have been a general during Vietnam. God, if I was, I'd be like, past that pipe, Jimi Hendrix, man, Winston Marlboro, I don't know, dude. We are almost at the break. Past that pipe, Jimi Hendrix, Winston Marlboro, almost at the break. Yeah. Okay. You got cigarettes on the break.

It goes to your dad. You'll have something to talk about. Oh, I can't wait to smoke again. Well, covered in second degree burns, santa suit melted into his skin. Bruce walked into his brother's empty house with two handguns. And after finding no one inside, Bruce sat down on his brother's couch, burnt to a crisp and quickly dying, deciding that there was no way out. Pardo shot himself in the mouth and left his brother to find a horrifying and confusing

scene upon his return home on that fateful Christmas Eve. So did his brother have any idea? No, I mean, they must have known that Bruce was an asshole. Yeah. I'm sure he knew that, but no clue. He walked into his house to find his brother burnt to death with his charred corpse. Dressed as in a melted santa costume after, because that gun was probably like, oh, Bruce, come on.

Come on. Now's your time. Come on. Give us a little kiss. And then he's just like, you know what, gun number four, you've always been my favorite. Really? Yeah. Absolutely.

It's not good when you call the bullets little elves. Yeah. Like time to go to the workshop. Yeah. It's not. Not good. What a fun story. Yeah.

I love Christmas. And that's the Christmas Eve Massacre of 2008. Wow. God. What a fucking piece of trash. Oh, man. It's just, you've got to be really fucking careful, dude. Yeah.

You do? So eight people died total. Eight people died. And I think 13 were injured. Yeah. God. All right. Well, now that's a pretty grisly Christmas story.

Well, I don't know what. I mean, honestly, I feel like. Very grisly. There's other stories that got to be worse than that. First Christmas was probably pretty fucking brutal because of Mary's score and all that fucking blood. Right. When Jesus, the son of God, right, the powerful, like God fucked you.

God fucks you at night. He squirted it come inside of you. It's technically the angel fucker. You have this thing, this living alien entity, it's an alien thing inside of you. And then that thing, it came out fully formed with a beard and long hair. It fucking snowed out. No, that's not even part of the mythos. Oh, yeah.

It's still a baby. A little baby. A little baby. Grip is two little fucking Jesus hands. Grip the edges of her fucking leg. Look at the nativity scene that you're watching. Fucking ripped. Grip the sides of it.

Shub this face out of it. He's like, Kings here, bitch, I'm the fucking king of you, mom. Show me the tits. Give me that milk. To be honest with you, Mary got fucking knocked up by the hot god damn neighbor and then she had to make up a whole line that it started an entire religion. I almost give her credit, but I don't know what. I don't think that Jesus was actually born on the 25th of December.

You wasn't? No, it's because they say it was January. There's a lot of different dates out there. Spring or something like that are like in the middle of a summer. Some made-up fucking date. We don't know, man. We don't know, man. And even there, they didn't even call it April.

They called it something else. Yeah. Right? Wasn't it called, like, Schmapperel? Schmapperel. Schmapperel. Schmapperel. Schmapperel is definitely, yeah, that's an old-

Is it a relaxed fit? That's an old Aramaic word. Schmapperel. Schmapperel. A relaxed fit. All right. I don't need to be fully rehearsed. You're never fully rehearsed.

Yeah. Life from your play. All right. All right. Let's move on. Yeah. Let's devote the second half of this show to some good old-fashioned roundtable-style criminal Christmas shenanigans.

Wow. Shenanigans. Shenanigans. Let's first one. It's from 2009. Oh, okay. Good year. Yeah.

It was a good year. Cobb say they busted one bad Santa and slapped him with an alcohol citation. What? What is that? Come on. See if it can't be drunk. It's a little racist against Santa's because I was recently watching, there was a movie. It was on Santa's.

I don't know if Santa is a race. He is a race. I'm not sure if Santa's are a race. I mean, Megyn Kelly thinks it is a race. You're being disgusting. First of all, you're being racist. Right? Santa is a race.

It's an agenda. It's also a agenda as well. A gender. A gender. Yes. And so agenda. Oh my God. I just watched a movie that's called Don't Open Until Christmas.

It was on the Gulltide celebration with Joe Bob Briggs and Diana Prince. It was fucking awesome. But it's all about murdering Santas that were bad. Right? And every, the movie just posits that each Santa, that any mall Santa is some reprehensible drunk. And I feel like some of them are sober pedophiles. No.

I feel like there's a good mixture of some of them. I actually, that's one of those jobs where you have to have a little Rumpel Schmidt. Rumpel Rumpelman. Yeah. You have to. Because Santa's jolly. He's got the red nose. It's cold as all get out.

Yeah. Santa is a little drunk. Be honest. Yeah. He's kind of a slightly buzzed. Slightly drunk. Slightly buzzed Santa Claus. Cause there's something comforting.

Cause that's the thing. Cause the smell of alcohol in an old man's breath a little bit. Yeah. It's just that you got to get to the point just before he starts telling secrets. Like when he starts telling secrets. I don't want to know anything about Mrs. Claus. Yeah. I don't want to know anything about how we got to this point where you don't have a job

and you're a mall Santa and you're like too old for it. Cause if you're not super pro. Cause then I feel like there's the other side. There's the super pro mall Santas that are great. Macy's guys. Those guys. That's a fantastic documentary by Mick Foley. Strangely enough of the wrestler who loves Christmas and he plays Santa Claus and he

was a mall Santa and it's really fricking interesting. It's competitive. I wanted to be one in New York. I was looking into because you get 150 bucks pop. Like a day or an hour. A day. Like you could do for and that's more than substitution. Yeah.

100 bucks a day. And that meant a lot. That was like a huge job for me and then I quit it because I couldn't handle kindergarten the Bronx. I had the front row kid. I told you about that. He made the gun motion with his hands. He bullied you.

He actively bullied. The child. Five year old boy by five year old. To the point where you had to quit. I quit. Yeah. I literally abandoned the class. Cause there's a finger gun.

I just didn't go back to the school. You abandoned the middle of the class. Well, no, I left for the day. I actually don't know this story. So a group of five year olds bullied you out of a job. Yeah. I was like, cause I tried to was at the time I had a civil war beard where I shaved the chin and I remember that weight started.

Cause I went and I was like, hello class. My name is Mr. Zabrowski. And they just were like, nope. No, I would agree with that and flipped out on it. I really wish I was a five year old. But it was easier for me to be a substitute teacher for children than it was to be a Santa. I can believe it. Yeah.

I can believe it too. Well, continuing with the story in 2009, a Wisconsin man dressed in a Santa suit, allegedly stumbled out of a car, accosted a group of children playing in a yard. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. Plugged them. Big deep hug. Big deep hug for a stranger Santa. And then demanded to know the whereabouts of his reindeer.

Okay, cool. That's not so bad. You know when their father grabs you by the shirt? Yeah. Come here, come here. Oh yeah. That's a prancer. So where's fucking prancer?

Is that all he did though? That's all he did. It's not that bad. It's the touching. Well, that's why he just got an alcohol citation. Oh, okay. So I think that's working on the whole citation. He actually was trying to make the kids believe in the magic of Santa by saying, oh, I'm missing

my reindeer. That's why I'm driving. I actually get the logic. This man was trying to save Chris for those kids. He was trying to do magic. The kids were like, why the fuck is Santa driving? Oh, now it makes sense. Oh, now it makes sense.

You know, he lost his reindeer. Yeah. But then he was a little too drunk to know the distance between people. That's appropriate. Well, it's like how my father used to sometimes get a little intoxicated and show up at my school and pull me out of school to take me to Coney Island. Yeah. That's really fun.

It was. It's kind of fun. But you don't know that it's like harrowing until later. It's a harrowing last minute, like impulsive decision of an alcoholic. But my mom used to do, I mean, obviously no alcohol, but we would stay home all the time and just go shopping and stuff. That's nice to do with the kids. You learn a lot more out of school oftentimes.

I could have been school you learn. Every once in a while, my mom would take me on a trip to Abilene when I was supposed to be in school. It was nice. Yeah. I go to Walden books. She'd buy me a book. It would be nice.

See, they actually bought books. Yeah. We just went to Coney Island. I bought cereal. We didn't learn anything. We went and looked at the freaks. Yeah. Oh, now isn't that the trifecta there?

Isn't that interesting? Cereal Coney Island in books. Yeah. Huh? Well, responding to several calls of a Santa riding shotgun with an apparently drunk driver. Sparta police. Oh, so he was getting driven around.

He was getting driven around. That's actually not. That's kind of responsible of it. No, no, no. They were both drunk. Oh, yeah. But he was at least not driving. Yeah.

They were both drunk. In Wisconsin, you fight over who's sober enough to drive, but knowing both are still drunk. Yeah. Sparta police arrested 47-year-old Kevin Arnold and charged him with drunk driving. Kevin Arnold. Wonder years. Yeah. The naughty St. Nick was 55-year-old Tom Arnold.

Oh, yeah. They were let's his problem. Yeah. He was cited for having an open container and released at the scene. Yeah. So that's all he had. All he got was open container. And that's it.

It's just an open container. I mean, that's the biggest problem. What are we touching? The kids that he shouldn't have been touching. He hugged. He didn't touch the key. Hugging is fine. I agree.

I agree. He grabbed them. Yeah. Yeah. He did grab them. Yeah. Maybe because he hugged. I feel like on that, that's where it gets scary because it goes between like, why aren't

you hugging me? Yeah. Why aren't you hugging me? Hug Santa. He is a home invader. You know, he doesn't do what BTK did, but he lives gifts. Which is nice. This is what you fucking masturbate with this is like scrying glass.

Yeah. I think it'd be weird if you, if you still believed in Santa Claus and we're masturbating because I feel like if you're masturbating, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus. I would agree with that. I've been masturbating since I was like five. Wow. Yeah. You shouldn't believe in Santa in five though.

No, no, I believe. It's too old already. Five, not eight. Eight's the oldest. If you're going into kindergarten, it's going to be ruined for you because the kids, one kid is going to be like, you're a fucking moron. You don't know Santa Claus fake yet. So once you start to be popularized, then I think you have to let it go because they're

just going to make fun of you. No, it is very difficult. I imagine that must be a very tricky transition. Yeah. Because I do like the lying. Like it's fun to lie about. It's fun to lie to children. It's fun to lie to them about being magic.

I think I would rather have them think the Easter Bunny is real to be honest. I find the Easter Bunny to be terrible. It is scary. Yeah. It's a very organic rabbit that just lays eggs. And what do I know about rabbits? They fucking eat their own young. Yeah.

You know what I mean? They're just, they're constantly, they're voraciously horny. They shit as they walk. Like just imagine the big, huge pellets coming out of that thing. As it gripped you, man. Like, I don't know. Man. Yeah.

Those are the eggs. Next story. All right. Out of England. Oh, they say happy Christmas. They do say happy Christmas there. Do they really? Yeah.

They say happy Christmas. They say it incorrectly. Well, back in the year 2000, laughing and cheering turned to wails of distress as children watching a Christmas procession saw a man dressed as Santa being handcuffed and arrested by police for fighting a teenager. That's fun. I blame the cops for this. As spectacular fireworks exploded over great Yarmouth during the Santa sales in event,

the white bearded suspect was led away by officers. A 35 year old man from Hinsby, Norfolk was later released following a caution. Police said the arrested father Christmas was part of the organized event, but not the Santa who was actually on the slate. He was a support Santa. Yeah, he was a guy there. Yeah. He was one of his crew.

Yeah. Well, I would say that he's definitely a support Santa because I think 35 is too young to start cosplaying as Santa. I think you've got to go 40. No, I think the 35 year old to do that was fighting Santa. No, the 35 year old was the Santa. Santa was, he was fighting a teenager in the marketplace. I think 45.

I agree. I agree with you. I'm looking 50. I think 45 is young too. I like an old Santa. I agree. And also be fat. You have to be.

I hate skinny Santa. I don't like skinny Santa. Sexy Santa is done. I don't care about anything else, but he must be fat. Yeah, I will say as a skinny, we got no business being Santa. No, you get so many other things. We get the Grinch. We're supposed to be, we get the Grinch.

Dude, that's what we get. Have you gotten into the Grinch pornography world? I knew you were going to say pornography. No, we haven't gotten into that. We'll talk about it. Great. Can I look at it right now? Absolutely.

I actually find a lot of the Grinch pornography. What do you think it's going to look like? I find a lot of it to be lazy. Because it really is just Halloween. Is it just green paint? Yeah, I've seen a lot of the Grinch pornography, but this came from, there's a copy pasta. We'll get into it if you want to.

If we're done with the story. Interesting. It's just a fight, right? No, it's a guy in actually very good Grinch costume. Some of them. Having sex with a who. That one's a bad one because I know what the one you're talking about, but that's him presupposing that the who is his family.

That's one of those taboo ones. And it's him fucking his daughter who, and it's, it's not good. You're not going to like that because it's like, yeah. And it's like, you know what I kind of mad about? I don't even do the voice. They don't even do the voice. He doesn't do it like this. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe that's a copyright. That's what maybe it might be. It could be. It could be. Well, yeah. So this guy, yeah. He just got into a fight.

Got into a fight with a teenager dressed as Santa. The children freaked out. Some children were so upset that Santa might be behind bars for Christmas that officers took them to the station and explained, pointed to the guy in the jail cell and explained that he was not Santa Claus. That's not Santa Claus. That's really ruined Christmas. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. It's good to for them to know Santa Claus couldn't be physically arrested if you want him to. If you put the handcuffs on him as he's probably been tried to be arrested many, many times for breaking and entering various things. I know I mixed up the songs that it's Santa Claus. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. I mixed that one up with Santa baby.

I've already apologized for it on social media. Yeah. That's two very different things. I was in a moment. I was on two hours of fucking sleep. Okay. I do remember the story, but yes. So Santa's always kissing your fucking mother.

He's always coming in your home and having sex ball out at your mother. Right. So yeah, obviously many, I imagine police officer husbands have even tried to arrest Santa Claus, but then he just disappears. Santa baby. And isn't that the first chimney we all go down? The birth canal. The birth canal.

Okay. So you think that Santa baby is about mothers. No. I think it's about a baby Santa. That's scary. No. Have you ever seen a fat little baby Santa? That's weird.

I find that a more disturbing image than full Jesus Christ coming out of Mary. And you have a full Santa. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror.

Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror.

Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror.

Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. Horror. secretary quick reading at the end of the day, so who knows if he was born or not. Or if he's made from spiders.

Magic dust. Nutrino. Nutrino. selected Nutrino. Dark matter. All right. Dark matter. But there was a copypasta that said my grinch fetish just destroying my relationship.

I have a grinch fetish. My boy friend knows about this from about me and the most part accepted. He isn't crazy about it. He doesn't really get it, but at least he tries, which is all I ask. But he doesn't really get it, but at least he tries, which is what I ask. grudgingly come around to at least playing one of the three versions of the film every time we have sex. All right, I mean, that's not the, I don't know. The problem is that I do wish it was real. Yeah. It might be real. And that was the thing. And then I thought that it would be a

deeper, wider, gapier world of Grinch porn, but there's really not a lot of it. I mean, I would say having a full produced movie, an hour and a half long pornography film, it's quite a bit. That's a lot. Is there one? Yeah, I was telling you that I was describing one to you. This ain't the Grinch pornography. The Grinch stole my virginity. How the Grinch stole my well, any other stories here Mark. That's bad. I don't want them taking virginities. That's boring. No, it's just called the Grinch. There's the Grinch triple X. Yeah, I'm looking at that picture. Oh yeah. This is the worst Christmas ever. Oh, this is a different one. I saw the one I saw. Yeah, this guy's getting a couple times. You saw Cindy Lou saves Christmas for her stepbrother.

Yeah, that was more of a hoo base porn than a Grinch base porn. Yes, indeed. But again, the worst part about this is me blowing the guy in the furry costume because then you get all the strands in your throat. I just wish ancestry.com would stop sponsoring all this porn. Absolutely fascinating. Finally out of Ohio from 2011. This one's kind of sweet and it's a blast from the past. This is true. This is old round table. Shit. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas at one home in Dayton, Ohio. Thanks to a man who police say broken and started hanging up Yuletide decorations. They also say the burglar who was already in the holiday spirit was high on bath salt. Bath salts in forever. Yeah. And you can get that on Amherstad.

Bath salts is that that's also a get it your little stocking. It's different than that, but Terry Trent 44 was arrested in charge with burglary last week in Vandalia. According to the station, when an 11 year old boy found the man sitting on the couch after he had done some Christmas decorating around the house. How is that burglary? Burglary? It's breaking in. It's breaking in, but burglary implies stealing something. Maybe he put like a maybe put an ornament in his pocket. That's very anti-Christmas. Yeah. It's a little of Christmas so much. You shouldn't be stealing other people's ornaments. That's the worst crime of all. You should be sitting at the house. That's actually a fun. The anti-Christ, but anti-Christ, Christmiss. And they just made

that much more scarier during the holiday. That's fucking me, dude. Vandalia police said that Trent entered through one of the home's back doors and made himself comfortable, lighting candles on the coffee and kitchen tables, as well as having the television's volume on very loudly. Trent had also hung a Christmas wreath on the back garage door. When discovering Trent was watching television and playing with the boy's things, the 11 year old boy called his mother, who was next door at their neighbor's house. The mother told police that Trent attempted to be polite to the boy. He said to him, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'll get my things and go. There we go. You got to be surprised. It's sort of like even just the trying to be

civil. I mean, he's there. I'm bad at bath salts. He knew that he made a bad decision. He was there and he knew that he made a bad decision. When the little boy, you know, when you're high and something kind of pops you out of the bubble, you're like, whoa, wait, all of a sudden, hey, am I being scary? And you're sitting there and you're like, there's like a, you know, crying little kid and you're sitting there and you're looking at yourself and you're covered with crumbled up bath salts. You got a ripped up t-shirt on probably covered with cuts and dirt from all the various things that you've done. You've been playing with the Christmas tree. That's not yours for hours. Absolutely. You sit there and be like, huh, I'm going to

need a mulligan on them. I'm going to take them all again. And this is 2011 Johnny Cash's. It is as good as me not having done it. If I just leave. Absolutely. This is the middle of Johnny Cash resurgence. So perhaps your high on bath salts would have become my sweet friend. I think that was your own personal Johnny Cash resurgence. Cause that song came out in like 2004 and whatever the American apple, the American apple. Yeah. That was the last one was in 2000. American four was like 2000. Well, I don't do a fucking music show. So I'm really sorry about that. Just almost a decade off. That's it. I mean, it's almost a decade off. It's from 2011 to 2003. It's almost a decade. It's eight years. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what is time? Times is fucking concept, bro. Yes, it is.

Let me tell you, man, there's a lot of people fucking coming down on me, man, because I have a fucking clinical inability to be on time. It is my disability, dude. I don't want to go. There's plumes coming out of me, man. It's how I breathe, dude. It ain't real, dude. It's compensation. Absolutely. And you know what they say? What if you're a good roaster, you have a disability. And then take that into 2023. We just got to get your neighbor lately. You have a disability. All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening. 2022. What a year it's been. What a year. Wow. Wow. We made it. We did. You know what though? Let's hold hands. Here. We're going to hold hands here.

Look, it's just nice that we made it together as a group. We did. Look at us. We're all in the same sweater. You're really, really sweaty. We did this shoot the other day and his hands were all sweaty. Cause I got a little grubs. I don't want to hold you anymore. No, it's not. We're wearing a sweater. That's why your husk is wearing a sweater and a set of hat. It's because I've been keeping my hands in between my legs. Great. Great. Great. All right, everyone. Warming them in your thighs. Perfect. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you have a fantastic holiday season. We'll be back. We'll see you next year. 2023. Again, if you are currently with a canister of race car fuel, what I say, you know what you do

instead of fucking torturing your family. All right. Think about taking that race car fuel down to your local voting center and try to register the canister to vote. Yeah. Because again, we got to get the, we got to rock the vote. Absolutely. There's no elections this year. And that's why we have to make sure this year in 2023, we got to rock the vote. Rock the vote. Vote again this year. Yeah. That might be some local elections. Breaking your local firehouse where they hold elections. Just fucking. Leave your vote in human shit that you've written on the wall. No one's ever had a firehouse. It's not like they sleep there. Nope. They're always making chili. Yep. I just say that because we always voted at the volunteer fire department where I

grew up. I always voted. We voted in the middle school. Yeah. Every day. All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening. This is great, dude. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Again. Look who's deletions, everybody. Honestly. Have yourself. Oh, God. A married little with his nose. And let your heart be like light. From now on, all your troubles will be out of sight. Wow. Bong Garcia. You're really talented. He's a fucking disability. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.