Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: A Crime Against Cinema

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: Cats! Papa John! And Christmas!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. Side stories. I love your glades. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Side stories, yes.

Jellicle, jellicle, jellicle cats. It's jellicle cats in jellicle songs. Jellicle cats. Jellicle, jellicle, jellicle cats. Man, it never gets old, does it? No. What a time we had over the holidays. Hey, everyone, this is Side Stories Mini Edition.

Although not so many, it's Ben and Henry. I really wish that you wouldn't bring up my body dysmorphia. Hey, no problem, buddy. That's what I'm here for. I fit top of the show. Well, speaking of body dysmorphia, Henry and I, we had two different Christmases, but we had one similarity that happened.

Jellicle cats, jellicle cats. I've had this song in my head since seeing cats. I've had that in my head embedded. And if I wake up one more day, and I've already told Natalie, she knows she's going to tie me to the bed, which I've already asked for, but she's going to tie me to the bed. Really?

I'm sorry I did that in front of everyone. Thank you. I'm sorry to everyone. Good apology. That's the last apology of 2019. The last one I'll ever do. Not ever. Because now we're under the umbrella of Spotify

and they're going to experience, I've been out of jail every once in a while for a work release program. This is one of the ironies. Free speech jail work release. Free speech jail is still very open. It's in the corner just like every monopoly board. And you, no, no.

Pull them up, pull on the bars. See that? That's my can on the bar. I know what it is. All right. Talk about cats. So I've had this song embedded in my head. Yes.

And I wake up one more day with it. They're going to find me on the side of a freeway with the gun. And I am starting to believe that Jellicle, which makes no sense, but I think that Jellicle just might be cat Chinese for horny. Could be. Could be. Jellicle just means angelic.

Angelic. No, I don't think so. What do you mean you don't think so? It means nothing. No, Jellicle cat, it means angelical cat. That is an interpretation. That is the most reasonable interpretation as opposed to whatever interpretation that you had,

which literally made no sense. The songs and the movements of the cats, all those actors and cats went to cat school to perform as cats, including Ian McKellen. By the way, if you have not seen cats, and this is not even being like, why are we even talking about this? Technically, it's not remotely on topic for the show,

but we have been so obsessed with cats since seeing it. The two of us, Jackie, has been obsessed with it. Natalie is scared of me. Well, you know, it really is. It's a little true crime-ish in the sense that there was a crime against cinema. And we're going to talk about cats, and we're going to talk about Papa John's.

And that's it today. We have a bunch of really cool stories to talk about next week, but we'll save that for more of a professional episode. We're going to take this week off, but the news, it's like, we'll shelve cats for now. Cats are in the kennel. Oh. Meow.

Meow. Let me out. Ian McKellen. Ian McKellen has the most cat-like moment in the entire film. Ian McKellen is the single, I know we have to say he's a great actor, but he was the worst cat. He drank out of a bowl.

Like he was eating his boyfriend's asshole. You know what I'm talking about. Absolutely. And honestly, seeing them little tongue sticking out of that bowl, you start thinking to me like, man, I'd like to be a fly on the wall of one of his audition classes. I will say this about cats. No, we're not.

No, we've got to put the cats in the bag. Well, we'll talk about cats here in a second. But we only came back to do an episode because we were going to take the week off. That's it. We're perennially hungover. We spend time with our family, which is emotionally violent for all of us.

How was your Christmas, Henry? Fine. It was good. We're just going to skip it. You're really going to skip that part of it. Yes. That's a key component of your week. Yes.

And this is technically, this is like, we don't have any true information for the audience. We're going to skip it. Other than our personal life experiences this week. My mom has just been picking up people off the street and say, can you clean my gutters, giving them 50 bucks. They walk up, look at the gutters,

being like, yes, they cleaned the gutters for you, Mrs. Abrowski. But did they? No, absolutely not. But it's about the illusion. They're getting grifted. That's fine. But we only came back to even do an episode this week

because of the news about the sudden and mysterious death of, what's his name? The CFO of Domino's UK. David Bernefeint. Okay. Now, David Bernefeint was the CFO for Domino's UK and he died in a mysterious snorkeling. Snorkeling.

Excellent. Snorkeling accident. Now, this is very interesting because, of course, this is on the heels of Papa John announcing the day of reckoning will commence. We are, we've been burdened with this. Yes, we have. Because, I mean, ever since we started talking about Papa

being out of the house, we get tags and every single thing, Papa related, and the amount of people that said, like, look at the connections here, look at the connections, the day of reckoning has indeed started. It has begun. So he died in a mysterious snorkeling accident. We don't know why. I do believe it's, what are the big pizza families

that we're looking at? We got Domino's. We got the Hut family. The Hut family. They're like Japanese now. I think it's a Japanese company. I don't know. Little Caesar, I mean, he's always got his own little

corner market going on. And then let's not forget about Godfather's Pizza with the goat, Herman Cain. Well, Herman Cain is sitting, I imagine, planning a 2028 run. He very well might be. He should. Why not?

At this point, why not have a pizza magnet up there? But one of the heads of the pizza families has now been whacked. I'm going to go ahead and say whacked. Well, and you know, it was a snorkel accident. He's British number one. So the one thing that kind of throws us off, because at first I was like, holy shit,

he did kill the CFO. He's going international. But that was what kind of, I don't think he can leave the country legally. Holy, he can leave the country legally. I mean, no one wants him to go anywhere other than his house. You don't think that he's under some kind of persona non grata, like no travel, like no fly list?

He's not a felon. He's none of the FBI's most wanted list. He should be. Why? I mean, he technically just did wrong things. He didn't do anything felonious. We don't know. Not yet. I feel like there's no fly list in his future. I think that it is possible if he continues to say

that days of reckoning will be commencing. And more shit keeps happening after he says it. Now my thing is, is that Papa John really wants to enroll. I don't know if he listens to this. I don't know if anybody's put the show in his hands yet. Not yet. But Papa, if you're listening to this and you really want to maximize the amount of terror you can do in this country,

you got to start claiming other people's terrorist acts as your own. Like what Al Qaeda does. Yes. And Lord Royale, what he tried to do. Absolutely. With the tornadoes in Kansas. So if I honestly think if Papa John's want back in, he's got to inspire some fear and he needs to claim that he did kill the CFO from Domino's. And yes, you might go to jail.

But then you get respect from jail of being like, I can touch you from. I can touch you from Louisville. No one gets out of my web. My web is so thick and so creamy. It's like Alfredo sauce. One of our new custom ranch chicken pizzas. You got it.

You can't believe the kind of deals going on that we used to have. Oh yeah. Dip now. It tastes like someone stuck a bunch of Band-Aids in a bunch of old comp and put all over a fucking pizza. What am I even doing here? I had 745 pizzas in the last 67 days. Papa in the clink.

No one's going to mess with Papa John. Think about that. Nowhere ever will people be messing with Papa John. But what we don't know, Henry, what we don't know is, was there pizza crust in the snorkel? Was there garlic butter in the lunch? That's the only way we know. Do we have garlic butter lung?

Because that means he was alive and he was breathing it. Remember, you see, you're like your British pizza that sucks. I came to the UK. I flew here on a hot air balloon with pepperonis on it. Nobody knew. They weren't checking the radar for a hot air balloon. They were. I got out here and now what I'm saying,

I've had over 45 pizzas in the 12 days that I've been in the UK. I can see that the, honestly, Domino's is also slipping and you need to be punched for it. That's why you're glistening, Papa, because you've got the Joaquin Phoenix at the end of Joker, true smile. For the first time. He's finally laughing.

He's finally laughing, truly laughing. Papa John must have read that news about the Domino CFO and I am not going to put this in his brain. I guarantee you, like the Grinch. I'll be the last one. He's going to be the last one. So he is on a full, right now Papa John is on a full heel turn. Well, if not true, if you go on his Instagram,

do you follow him on Instagram? I do follow him on Instagram. Isn't it called the real Papa John Schnatter? I think so, something like that. You can find it. Yes, and I've been following him. He hasn't been making any waves on Instagram. He met with Darth Vader.

Darth Vader. He had his post where he's just him hanging out with Darth Vader. What do you mean? That's the definition of a- It says something like, looking forward to big projects in 2020. That is the definition of a heel turn. He met with Darth Vader.

What are you talking about? All you've done is confirm exactly what I just said. He's meeting with the worst character in sci-fi history. That is just a- Or the meanest character. It's just a sex offender in a plastic case. We don't know exactly how many children that was, that person did have sex with, but yes, I do agree with that.

But when it comes to the heel turn, you know what else you did, Henry? I know you're not a sports guy, but he also, he's no longer a Louisville fan. He's now a fan of the University of Kentucky, which is a huge, huge heel turn. Question. Alright, so he's got a picture right here.

I'm looking at his Instagram right now. Thank you, Mary, for pulling this up. He's hanging out with Santa Claus. Santa Claus is a home invader who does horrible things to children, and has he ever given you a gift that you like? No, look at him. Honestly, no, I don't really receive gifts anymore.

You look at Santa Claus, right? Hanging out. He hasn't said anything about, like, it would be nice if you said, like, I think Papa John, you'll be on the naughty list this year. And then Papa John's like, we'll see who ends up in one list, or got one list, and it's called

Who To Keep Alive, and you're not on that list. I understand. There you go. Well, Santa Claus is the tip of the spear when it comes to the global pedophile government. I mean, without a doubt, he's got the list. Who's not? Who can be taken?

Who can't be taken? How easy it is to get into their home. Christmas is over. Christmas is over. Christmas is fucking done. My Christmas was very interesting. We'll talk about that in a second. But when it comes to the,

when it comes to the heel turn though, it does seem like Papa is just leaning right in. See, I actually, I don't know anything about this because I know that UK and UL are different, right? I know that they are, they are different schools or at the same time. He had pictures from the bench and he's in full blue, where I guess he was on the board of trustees

for one of those schools. Louisville. And he was kicked off the board of trustees for Louisville. They removed him from the, the records. They took his name off of a building. He was pretty devastated. Because of course, after the N word drop, after the bomb, the N bomb drop, they said,

you know what, Papa, you're out of the house. So they kicked him right out. They brought him to the doghouse. And then apparently the University of Kentucky said, come on in, let's wear that Kentucky blue baby. And I gotta say, he looks scarier in blue. He does. He looks like he is ready to go off a whole series of CEOs.

I'm so used to what the red brought out in his skin that the blue makes him look like a ghoul. It really does. And he truly is considering how, okay. So all, cause he's not gotten any fatter. No. So what does this mean? So his entire life is like a Peloton commercial,

but looking at natural disasters and as opposed to like getting motivational speeches from someone who else is working out on a bike. Like he's just watching people on bikes. He's just watching people suffer and he's just running. And then he's eating pizza cause he isn't gained any weight and you can't eat 40 pieces in 30 days and not gain a pound.

He is either, I mean, to be honest, I wouldn't put him past him. I think he's purging a lot. You think so? I think he's purging a lot. I think that you can see he has looked, the look I would put at this point, that picture on the sidelines of the basketball game.

Yeah. He looks pretty congealed right there. So I think the wetness has kind of calmed down and it's kind of set into just sort of like a, like more of a mask on his face. Like when you put the garlic butter in the fridge overnight and then you try to get it in the morning. And it's got that skin.

Yeah, it's got the skin on it. Yeah. He's kind of covered in that. And I think that he might be working out and eating pizza at the same time. I think he might be doing a little, like probably not so fun exercise of dressing in a full head to toe with a balaclava, black clothes

and just chasing women in parking lots. It's very possible. I don't know how he's getting his exercise. He's doing something like that. Could be. I can pretty much guarantee it. I don't think he has a vendetta against women. No.

He has a vendetta against big pizza. He does. He hates big pizza and he's got something to say about it. The problem is now he's a renegade and he's completely outside the fucking system. And you, at this point, I think we should have, we wanted to keep him inside the system because there's checks and balances in the system.

I think Papa John made a massive mistake when they let Papa John go. Papa John's, you know, the corporation, oh, they just unleashed a lion like that Pearl Jam song, Jeremy. And he's about to go shoot up a school. He's going full, he's coming to Tetsuo for Makira. Ooh, nice reference.

Yep. Did you know what I even said? No. But I said, ooh, nice reference to make it seem like I did. Wow. Wow. That's active, baby. But John Schneider, can you know what it is to,

about pizza in general? Because I was thinking about this, being like, why are people so fascinated with this story? Why are we so fascinated with this story? Sure. It's because pizza is innocent, right? Pizza's universal as well. Pizza's love.

Pizza is one of those, it's a love language. It is. For people. I hate the term. I know. But like, when you say pizza, do a group of children, they go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pizza. I must have read a book. Yeah, pizza, pizza. They'll do anything for pizza. But then Papa John comes in nude, but in apron on. Right. With, you know, a bunch of pizzas.

And then he go, yay. Like the kids go, cool. And he's like, you're not kids. You want to beat me. Right. You're going to have to start eating pizzas fucking two months ago. Business are not about 75 built up.

Sorry. My interest. Oh, he's ready to go. He's full of it. Full of it. Okay. Boogie man from, or Wookie Boogie man from Nightmare Before Christmas,

but instead of bugs, it's all pepperoni, pepperoni, pepper chinos, little banana peppers. Oh, I like that on pizza. I like some spice on a pizza. I agree. But pizza is one of those that again, it was so, it's very innocent.

It is. But now there's kind of a shadow over it. There's almost a Kylo Ren shaped shadow. There is. Over the entire thing. Yep. And now we, we are just left wondering how far his reckoning will go.

That's completely true. Henry, great point. When it comes to Mexican food, you know, obviously we have a history. It's like, okay, there's like Mexican food. It's, you don't think about it in the same way as pizza, Chinese food. You don't think about it.

You know, Korean food. We went to war with Korea. German food. We had World War II. There's a cloud over German food. But when it comes to pizza, it's the last pure food that we have in this country until John Schnatter decided to take his revenge.

Well, and I didn't think he understood how much responsibility he had and how much he had. Like it's kind of what we see what happens with the tone is set by the president in this country. Sure. The tone is set for the entire pizza, nay, the culinary world by Papa John. Right now, all eyes are on him.

He's being a disruptor in the field. It's kind of like Kanye. A bit like Kanye. Being a, being a disruptor. He says he's an innovator, but some people are saying, is it innovation to burn everything down? And then I wonder, because that's what people say, like, can a florist not thrive without

the preburn? Because you have to get the underbrush gone before new plants can grow. So we're seeing this sort of a wave. But then again, we already have the Amazon and stuff that we could just keep it there. Take it all out. But we could just keep it there, too, because

then we don't have to have the whole conversation about getting it back. Like I've said about blowing up the oceans. If we burn down the entire Amazon, listen, just one big go, it'll come back stronger. But we have to have a long view of society. But we have a very short lifespan. But if someone has to...

So I think that we can anneal the Amazon. That's where I... This is where you're controversial. This is where I will take the helm and the responsibility of having my consciousness uploaded into a computer that will be eventually shat into a, a nanobot. It's a group of nanobots that will be

exact bodies such as mine, but I can make my penis grow 10 inches with my little nanobots if I want. You're going to have a penis with your robot body. I'm just saying I will have... Yes, of course I will. Well, what's the point of that? Because I want to be...

You want to have one. You're not going to feel anything. Yeah, of course I will. I'll feel everything in the world. I will have a penis that's as sensitive as a clip, but I won't come as fast as I do as a human. I don't think that you understand how

robots work. I'll do whatever I want. I'm a robot. I'll do whatever I want. I'm just saying... Well, good luck going through airport security. All of this is conceptual. And so as a, as a person...

Okay. Yes, I take the responsibility of holding the long view and I'm not going to bring up another Dune reference because if so many people have been fucking giving me shit about it, but Lido too understood it. Well, but then you just did it though.

Because as soon as you say you're not going to bring up a Dune reference, I know you're going to do it. It's important. It's a... How is it important? It's incredibly important. You should read the books.

No, I'm never going to read the books. I have no one to talk to about it. Yeah, because no one cares about the books. So that's an indictment on you. Wow. That really, if you have no one to talk to about any of the things that you enjoy... No, I have people who want to talk to,

but it's people that talk to me on the bus stops and they just assume I'm reading Dune. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like people see me on the street and assume I'm reading Dune. Okay.

So here's what we do. We get Papa John Dune. Next thing you know, you and Papa can bond over Dune. Oh my God. And then he can really learn how to control the world in the way that he wants to control the world.

He does not and should not have the lessons and statehood that Dune has inside of it. Because he does not need any more bullets in the chamber. I think he's going to be writing notes to Dune on how to actually do what they're doing better.

That's what I'm saying. He is that good. I write notes in my books for me to learn how to further enhance our stature in the next levels in the coming generations. This is important. This is 2020.

I mean, you're here in this from 2020. We're recording this on New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I have no clue if something fucked up happens tonight. Hello from Simpler Times. But before we go, I want to say

my energy from 2020 is the idea of being like, this is the beginning of a millennium. We should start to think. We should be thinking about 30-20. Well, why? We're not going to be here in 30-20. We're not.

John Schnatner might be. If you start thinking more, we should have to start thinking more outside of the box of what time is. I agree. Although that's Taco Bell that you're thinking. Think outside the button.

Yeah. So Papa John, the day of reckoning has begun. As Henry said, this is December 31, 2019, the last recording of this decade, which is quite interesting. So we don't know if this evening will be the final hurrah for Papa

John and his day of reckoning. Perhaps this is when he goes to New York City, goes to Times Square. As the ball drops, as they count down from 10 to 0, maybe he has a homemade explosive device strapped to his chest right now that everyone just thinks is a large pepperoni pizza.

And they're like, oh my God, we're going to get pizza at midnight. He's like, here's your pizza. Here's your pizza. Yeah. We don't know. I mean, who knows what he'll do. Or he'll cover himself.

Again, he'll go full, the end of book three, Children of Dune, cover himself with pizzas. You know what I mean? It's a long thing. It's a long story. Is that what happens at the end of that?

I don't even want to talk about, because now people are giving me shit about spoiling it. Because there's stuff that happens. You don't want to actually want you to spoil it for people. No. I don't think that, for me, I don't

know. The point of it is the plot, necessarily, you've probably, these books are 60 years old. So a lot of the times it's like the plot will, it might be busted for you already. Right.

The point of Dune is isolation. You just want to, you want to be alone forever. Yes. That's great. This is your JD Salinger. This is going to be you, your reckless, reckless, you're in the

mountains. Waiting until I write my Dune. I cannot wait for it. So Papa John, he's already got one murder under his belt. We're just going to throw that out there. He has to have.

There's been no autopsy yet of the dude who was in charge of Domino's. We've had a couple of people reach out about their experiences with Big Papa and Louisville. Apparently he is on the scene quite a bit. He's out and about.

Again, loves a hug from a cougar. Yep. He loves a nice close hug. And if you can provide one to Papa John, we're still looking for a person on the inside. No one's volunteered that yet. I did get some DMs of people who

said they're willing to try, but it was mostly from big, burly men. It's always that. They're always the most willing. It's fine. Although I'm pretty sure that Papa wants it to be, again, as Henry referenced, more of a cougar type,

more of a... Anelina Roosevelt. There you go. A real big up top, fun attitude. Smart. Loves a beer, but also can decorate a house. Has to be able to slam multiple

pizzas. Got to. Got to. Have to be able to, but honestly, but then be able to, because if you can, if you play with the boys, you got to wake up with the men. You be able to, you can eat like

10 pizzas a night, but then wake up and hit the gym. Hit the track. You're going to have to, because he doesn't sleep. Papa and Donald Trump probably sleep a total of an hour a year. They don't sleep.

They don't sleep. They don't sleep. You don't want to... I was noticing the other day, I was running across the street. My breasts were bouncing, and on the ellipticals, well, sometimes my breasts bounce to the point that

they hurt. So I started holding up my tits while I was running across the street. I started realizing, like, I need a fucking bra. Yeah, you could get a bra. They know you really have that.

That's just some fine felt. They did invent... No, I was actually on my Instagram. I don't know why this is showing up on my Instagram so much, but they have the full... Do they?

Do they not realize you're up on your Instagram? They have a full, they have a full shirt that you can tuck in. You basically tuck your gut into the t-shirt. Oh, no, that is not, Mary. You're showing me, no, that is

lingerie. That is not, that is not an actual manly bra for a man. Oh, you can just buy a bra. I bet you you're a 34C. Anyways. No, these are bees. Mary's here.

I can't show these to Mary. So, yes. So, we're going to keep you posted on what Papa's up to in 2020. Hindsight 2020. That's what I'm calling it. Isn't that clever? That's really scary.

Yeah. It shows that you... It means that you already imagine you're going to make a lot of mistakes in 2020. No, it means that I've... I have hindsight from all the years that I was alive on

making self-improvements. I don't know. Hindsight 2020. I mean, the future 2020. We'll see how that works out. I do love that your vision of the future is the exact same vision that Papa John has.

Which is just explosions, just a devastation. Knowledge, knowledge is a devastation on the edge of uncertainty. Okay. So, we'll keep you posted on Papa John.

Let's talk a little bit about our Christmas and then we'll talk about cats. So, you know, I went to Florida for Christmas. You love it. I love Florida. I was there with you.

We were opposite coast. Opposite coast. I went to Margaritaville sat in the ocean took a pee. Now very nice. Do you mean the restaurant Margaritaville? I mean the resort because it's not just a restaurant. You went to the resort? Yeah buddy. Where is that? It's right over there in Hollywood, Florida. Is it were you were you alone? Yeah. Wow. You need to go with your brothers? No, because my brothers, so my older brother Eric. They have families now kind of.

No, Eric is a single guy. At this point, I mean they keep trying to have, I mean like they are with their their boyfriends and their husband. They keep trying to have kids but it just keeps flopping out like a bunch of cum, right? Yeah, there's something scientifically makes it difficult with the science there. So I spent my Christmas day at a bar in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at Wilton Manor as a matter of fact and a very nice bar and I want to give it a plug. It's called The Eagle and The Eagle is it's a leather bar. There's a tear coming out of the corner of your eye. Why are you doing this? Why are you crying? And you know I love. This is on Christmas day. This Christmas day and I love my family and I love gay people. I love everyone. I'm very open.

So the it was a leather bar and man I was the hot. I was a 10. Don't say that because they was also a bear bar. Sure. It was where the gym teacher from Nightmare on Elm Street two goes after after after he beats all the kids in the showers and I was just it was so much hairy man but oh yeah and there was a lot of it that I saw and why was it uh why was it out? Because everyone was showing it now and so in Florida I actually felt and this is true because then I went to Margaritaville a few days later but you know what I did at Margaritaville? I took my shirt off Henry and I went into the pool that's great because I was I was confident you should after I went and hung out with those bears of course they were looking at me like I was a piece of

dick meat that I wanted to chew and chew on. I can't imagine if I was a bear enough I was looking for one of you and I saw you saunter in there being like can I have a double a jangle? Give me double that jangle. I'll have whatever he's have. Yeah and I would yeah I would try to fit under your belly. And so I want to thank the Eagle and I want to thank the gay community of Wilton Manor for making me feel accepted for the one of the first times. Yes um it did get mildly um scary. Yeah when I was approached constantly and then after you know after midnight then it was just it got a little aggressive but you know what um I'm not gonna. Christmas day. Christmas day because Jesus was born that day. You know what it is about Christmas. And he was born in a manger and you

know when I was around a bunch of bears and you know what bears they don't go all manger they're on the desert. They're in the desert. Technically they'd be in a cave. Whatever they are. If Jesus was born in a cave Jesus quote unquote was born in a cave then they'd be a different story. Yeah I don't know but all I'm saying is. Noah had sex with his daughters in a cave. Yeah a whole series of animals on that goddamn fake boat. But I just want to thank the Eagle for giving me the confidence to take my shirt off for the first time in probably 30 years and go into a pool. Yes no one was around because it was technically after hours and I should have been in the pool. But it still it's it felt great so thank you. So that was my Christmas day and then. I just don't understand the level of

horniness because Christmas for me is not a horny holiday. I am not like it is not a sexy fun time. Yeah it is heavy. It's vaguely a heavy holiday. Well you know for me I would the it was it was it you know the thing is there's a lot of people that don't necessarily have families that are large. Yes including mine. Yes of course you gotta go out you gotta go out and you gotta be around the people. Yes I totally agree. I totally agree because Christmas is supposed to be not a horny time but sometimes you get a little sad sometimes you might get a little lonely on Christmas. Absolutely honestly we've talked about it. Yeah you gotta be you gotta be hugging and pulling on people's hairs. That makes the man actually pull on your hair. Yeah let's just say the beard was a hit.

Oh lord. Honestly that's very that is a thing but you don't see the double standard but that's the the one feeling of what it's like to be a woman for even just a fraction of time. You know that video where they followed that woman around the streets of New York. Which one. The cat call video. Oh that one. If you followed me around the streets of New York. Oh no I've been with you we've talked about this on the show. It's an it's a waking nightmare. When people say about your your size openly to your face is very inappropriate. I get cat called all the time. Yeah people I mean how many times people say I bet I could fit you up my ass. They say that to me all the time. I had this one woman saying like I sure wish I could jump to the top of your head

mister and fill you up to my shoulder to get your head up inside my fucking busty hole. Really a woman told you that. She told me that. I was like ma'am I was actually filling out the forms to officiate the wedding for Marcus when that happened. Yep they won't mind the desk. Well civil servants are sad. Yes. So very stressful. So I hope that you all had a great Christmas with your family. Every family is different. Or some holiday. Now everybody celebrates Christmas. Or Gwansah Hanukkah. Or nothing at all. Hanukkah. I got asked to join a Hanukkah celebration that was on the street that I pass. I was walking the street and someone's like are you Jewish. I was like no and they're like Hanukkah and I had a doughnut and then I did the shoulder

dance with them for a hot second. I think that you that was very nice. If you could. Absolutely not. The Jewish people are wonderful people. I couldn't learn Spanish. I have seven years of Spanish and I can't remember. I remember Albaño. I remember Carnitas. I remember La Lengua. Well I know some Spanish because there's literally a statement a saying outside of Margaritaville and if you go to Margaritaville you'll see it. It says mi casa su casa which means my house is your house and that is outside of Margaritaville. So I am a little bit educated. You were at that home. You were at the house of Margaritaville and honestly I'm really glad that you had it. It sounds like in a way you had a lovely Christmas. I really did. I really did. It was it was

interesting. So we hope that you enjoyed whatever your holiday was filled with and hopefully it didn't seem like any of our listeners shot up their family or anything. Not this year. We'll get into some of those more intense stories next year. There was a guy that shot up his family. Did you see that and then tweeted the NRA about it? Oh yeah buddy. We're gonna talk about that next week. No next week we'll have the heavy stories. We got the stories of drones flying all over northwest Colorado. We do not know why that no one's claiming these drones with wingspans up to six to ten feet. Crazy. Moving in geographical patterns. No one knows what they're looking for. No. And again the FAA is actively investigating trying to figure out what the fuck they are.

Yep and then of course we'll also tell a story about a priest who let's just say got his comeuppance when somebody decided to end his existence. But that was just a little bit of my my Christmas and Henry you had a nice time with your family. It was absolutely fine. And you got the grifters out of there. You said no more grifting. Well I have to go down there. You have to go get boots in the ground. I got to look at all this kind of bullshit. I got to figure out the house. There's a lot of stuff that needs to be maintained. It's gonna take the keen eye of crossing the T's and dotting the J's to Henry Zaprowski to really figure out. All right. So the final thing that Henry and I both did on Christmas. We both saw cats. I went with my brother Eric.

Henry I believe we were with Natalie Jackie and Jeff. Natalie Jackie Jeff my mom and your mom. We had a wonderful time. And we got called rude. Why. Because we applauded when Dame Judy Dutch is revealed. We stood up and applauded. That was the very appropriate response. Incredible. Incredible. But I was so cats brings up a bunch of questions. So you're kind of you were participating in the movie and then someone kind of heckled you heckling. She was 85 years old. I'll leave her alone. She's gonna be fucking dead soon. She'll have to be. I can't wait to see her fucking dead. I hope that I hope I'm invited your funeral. You won't be. I won't be but I'll look for it. I'll look for it in the obituaries. This is under the name old bitch. Okay. I don't

think that's that's not the last name. But that's why you and Papa have the same vision. I mean we just are but I would be kind by reckoning again. Yes. Things will be harsh in the beginning and there will be there will be vague purges. But once that is done once that is all done and the dust settles people are going to be really happy to have Henry's peace. You sound like a guy who had a certain kind of mustache. So let's just go through what do you so that my number one first of all and this is no lie. Have you thought about a top five of the year of movies that you've seen one time a parasite once upon a time Hollywood uncut gems. I haven't seen that is a fucking must see. I'm going to see that this week. It is so good. I'm very excited and I love I love

serious Sandler. I love it. I love them. But when it comes to cats I would put cats in my top 10 for the year because I can't stop thinking about it. Me neither. It's the most thought it's the most thought provoking movie of the year. Well it makes your brain have to consider the idea that you could potentially have sex with a cat. That is why people I think are having such knee jerk reactions. Yes. The film because it's it's putting us in the gray area where you kind of have to consider this idea that these are what can only be described as fuckable cats. And that's jelical. Jelical. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Fuckable. Fuckable. Yeah. They are. They are in the area. Yeah. They have enough human parts that in a way but now

they are fair game in a way. Hands are on the field. Play ball. The problem is they don't have two key parts. Was it a butthole and then a front part. You didn't part the hairs. They definitely part of the hairs for me and there was nothing there. But that is also what they make you do. They make you look at parts of the cat that you don't want to look at. If you just look and you just have to balance on and you didn't see you couldn't see directly to my butthole because of the hairs. I kind of have like a cat's butt. Maybe like Rebel Wilson. But I think that is shade. That's not shade. I loved her performance. I did not like it. But that is the problem though. It's a terrible movie. It's not a tear. It's a well it's technically

a terrible play. Yes. But it's all about ritual sacrifice. We also can't talk too deeply about cats because I know page seven. This is definitely a page seven world. So our interpretation is Jackie and Holden's opinion on page seven. This is this is the side stories hot take of the crime game against cinema that was cats. That's you know it's also fun about cats is that cats in that in a realm of cats the movie right there are humans. But the cats. Yes. Are little human cats and made me think of a world of being an adult human with little cat humans. Cat like like a human like human face cat with little tit bumps. And you know a little but they gave certain cats had larger bosom than other cats. They gave Taylor Swift. She gave she got a but

she got like they they put booby meat on her. And I feel like that again is where the after I walked out of the movie cats first of all I had to stop halfway through kind of go take a breather also the place we were at where the AMC and Fort Lauderdale they served beer beer. We went and did we went and took our own little intermission. Yeah. And I looked at people and I saw them as cats for a while. I had to like kind of blink a bunch of times and then like kind of see human beings again. Tom Hooper's a genius in he might be in a way because he obviously loved cats. I think they all want to have sex with cats. That's the problem. I think what is it Stephen Sondheim. Who is that James Earl Ray. Who's the guy who made it. It's James Earl Ray and Andrew

Lloyd Webber Andrew Lloyd Webber wanted to have sex with cats. So he made this musical. I think he wanted to have sex with boys dressed as cats. Whatever they are. He wants tiny cats. And that is why this movie I think really got the critics going. And I think it's important for these critics to have their minds blown the way that this movie blew their minds because I think this is the first time a movie took the power away from the critic and traumatized them so much that they couldn't even believe in the art form that they supposedly love. But that's why they became all little bitches about it because they were affronted by new art by new. They were confronted by a complete vision of I mean Tom Hooper either needs a Razzie an Oscar or to go to

jail. I'm not certain what it is. I'm not certain which of that it is. He has just delivered a pure vision. Yeah. That is unlike anything I've I've ever seen or want to see again. I'm never going to see it again. I don't need to see it again because it's forever. It's I don't think I've remembered a movie more. I remember every bit of it every bit of it. Finally when it comes to speaking of memories and sex Jennifer Hudson nailed memories. She took the hackiest song in the world and we almost my lip was trembling. That's the thing with the movie. It kind of gets you at times. It's insane. It's a mind fuck of a film. And then Idris Elba who is the sexiest man in the world apparently according to GQ. Very handsome. He just robs towards the end of the

film. And then this is where it's like not only are you perhaps sexually attracted to a cat but now it's a male cat. And this is where everything starts going haywire in your brain because because male cats in that world don't have cocks. And this is why if you're a 11 to 13 year old boy you're going through puberty let's say. I feel like if you watch this movie at just the right time at just the right puberty moment. Oh you're all gonna mess you up. It's just gonna throw it's throwing the dice in there. I understand there's a lot of people we're trying to be okay with Grace in 2020. We're trying to be okay with the kaleidoscope of experiences that every child's allowed to do. But this is like too much in one go. Yeah hide the family cat after that because

if they come home and they see the little cat and all they have to do is imagine little hands on that cat or in Taylor Swift's face superimposed on it and then all of a sudden we're in the middle of the fucking. How many times have we said on this on show don't fuck the cat? I don't think we've ever said that but I think it's implied. Every episode we've ever done that's implied. Those cats of the south we talked about not fucking cats. Yes yes yes. I really want to take that. I think that's a lesson to be learned again for 2020. Take it all the way to 2020 that no matter what these cats do no matter what they promise you don't fuck these cats. Don't fuck a cat in any way shape or form no no matter what it reminds you of. I know but that's why the movie's failing

the box offices because the movie is just straight up too strange for kids to see. That is absolutely true. It's boring the fuck out of them. Well it's also the whole thing and this is not a spoiler because this is just the play cat. There's no plot. It is it's all about a ritual sacrifice. It's all heaven's gate. It's kind of interesting. It's all a cult. It's very bizarre. They're going up the bridge. That's what the whole movie's about. The movie's about descending the bridge. Yeah. It's going it's going past OTA for cats. It was it really was. Yeah it's very Scientology-esque. I like that. You know I like that. No I know. I was surprised with the cult like aspects of the movie. I didn't realize that was the play because I haven't seen

the play. Play's not good. The song some of the songs are good. Some of the songs are completely pointless. They're all bad. Everything about it's not true. I like the I like the one with the magic. Oh well there never was there ever. I kept so clever as magical mr. mr. for least. Yeah it's fucking horrible. It's a good song. I hate this song. Well you seem to know it. We taught. Yeah it's emblazied in my mind. Yes. Yeah it's forever in there. They say it fucking 75 times in the movie. It's a great it's the it's the through line song. It's very important. Gelical cats meet gelical cats. That's the through line song. Oh I love that song. I also like that it's a 1980s kind of sim thing. Yes. Again page seven is going to cover this pretty early. They are. They are.

And Ian McKellen Oscar award winner. That man the whole apparently they say yes page seven will cover it. Apparently they stripped it. They're not. It's not for your consideration. Oh that's a shame. Let's let them cover it is a shame. They'll cover it. They'll cover it. So check out cats. Listen to page seven. They're going to give you Jackie has some wonderful insights. We had a great dinner last night and she shared her insights about cats and she was yelling about it quite a bit. Yeah we all were. Yeah as a matter of fact it was to the point where the waitress just gave us the check but we didn't ask for it. Yeah that was weird. There really was no reason for that. We were having a nice time. We were having a nice time. They may have looked like we were

screaming at each other but it was a nice friend's screaming at each other. Yes. All right guys. I hope you have a beautiful. This is your first day of the new year 2020. Great day to clean all your guns if they're real dirty. Make sure there's no bullet in the chamber. Make sure. Good Lord. There's no bullet in the chamber. This is a really good time to take out all your world maps and look at all the places to make up your various invasion techniques of like that's how I don't feel as much anxiety. That's a five. Yep. I think about that kind of stuff. I think that that'll help again 2020 year of the bat. Is it always sleeping but one eye open. Okay. That's 2020. I believe Robert Pattinson will be Batman this year which will be very exciting.

I'm very excited to see that. Guys check us out. We just got our tickets on sale for our book tour in April. Cannot wait to see them. We're going to fucking 19 cities in 30 days. Go check it out. Last podcast on the left dot com. We got all of our tickets available there. Come see us. See are the beautiful ladies and the two men of Wizard and the Bruiser page seven go live. They are January 9th 2020 Chicago Lincoln Hall January 10th 2020 Pontiac Michigan and January 11th Milwaukee Wisconsin. Oh at the back room at Collectico at Collectivo. That's where I showed Hail Yourself America and I may be doing a little tour at the Zanies with Hail Yourself and also side stories. We don't have any shows booked yet but I believe we're going to be going on the road

a little bit as well. Yeah this summer make some money for Marcus. Make some money for Marcus. He's putting us out. He's putting us out in the street. He is. He's Mrs. Kardashian in us. Yes he really is. I'm Chloe. You are Chloe. Thank you. Who am I? I'm Caitlin. I'll kill a woman while driving. Absolutely. I don't want to. No you have to though. But it's a big and also see me and if you're in Atlanta and none of those dates January 10th and 11th I'm in Atlanta and Dad's Garage Theater doing some improv. Very great so we hope you enjoyed this little lighthearted episode about how we spent our new years and this is the final conversation we'll have in 2019. Hopefully you're not too hung over today and if you are order some Papa John's.

Pedialyte. And Pedialyte. No Papa John's just gone downhill. Get Domino's. Get Domino's I guess man. Or good pizza. Whatever you want to do. Get good pizza. Get some Pedialyte. That's what Kissel showed us. Yeah. We've been drinking a lot of Pedialyte. And this year we're going to get in shape. This is a year of health. You put me in there with this. No you already did it last year. Now you can actually gain weight this year. You're in the fun stage of the weight loss. Now you're going to get it back and then you get to go. That's called the roller coaster. It is. The roller coaster of life. Yeah. So live every day. Like you're just about to start that diet. Oh yeah. 24 hours from now. I'm skinny. Live like that's true. Sure. Even though it's

probably fake. It doesn't matter. But it's fine. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Love. Love. The fact that matter what you do. You can change the whole environment of a room by just throwing a couple of chairs over. That's true. You can really get some good attention to yourself by simple actions as grabbing a cup of straws at a coffee shop and pouring them all over your head. Why wouldn't you? People looking at you now. You got the microphone. Plug your shows. Tell people what you care about. That's as important. Yeah. Absolutely. And laugh every day. Laugh. Like you are Papa John Schnatter. Getting away with murder. He is looking through binoculars at the. I think a woman runs Little Caesars. I have no idea. But he is looking through her

mansion windows. I don't know who runs Little Caesars but he is outside that house casing them. Yeah. Casing them and casing them. Yeah. And you got the little laugh. Self-satisfied knowing. And if you know. No one knows my plans and the whole world will weep when they see what I have planned. Absolutely. And if you know anyone in the pizza business tell them to watch their back. Also just lastly I guess we did start this conversation. Top three movies for me. Parasite. Love Joker. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Wow. That's what I'm going with. Parasite. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Uncut Gems. I didn't see it though. Yep. All right. All right. Everyone. And villains. Villains is a good one with Pennywise. Oh. All right. Everyone hail yourself.

Hail Satan. Magustalations. Hail me. We will talk to you all very soon in 2020. Yeah. See you. See you next decade. Okay dad. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.