Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Alien Shot in the Pine Barrens

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: Casey Anthony's biological clock is ticking, an MP claims to shoot an alien in New Jersey, and MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last stop. On the left. Side stories. Love your glades. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. Just another episode of Side Stories. That's it buddy. Yes, me and Ben Kissle Keeping it real? Keeping it real something. Keeping it real loose. You know how that is man. You gotta keep your sneakers clean. Yeah dude, I haven't been able to do a good job of that. I've been wearing my nikes. You need to start by toiling the nikes. I bought the shoe wipes but I just haven't used them

because you know what? They're just gonna get dirty as soon as I go outside again anyway. The idea is you gotta keep mint. You know what I do and this is true. Yeah, it's really nice. I keep the wipes next to the toilet and I have two wipes. I have my butt wipes and then I have my shoe wipes and then what I do is while I'm shitting I take the time to use that time period to clean my shoes. That's disgusting. That is as gross as Kramer cooking or yeah, that is as gross as Kramer when he started cooking in his shower. That is exactly because you're not supposed to be doing that. You can't do something hyper sanitary while you're doing something extremely unsanitary

like going to the bathroom. My shoes are not sanitary no matter how clean they are. I'm not cleaning my shoes and then putting a slice of pizza at the bottom and then using it as a plate. When I clean my shoes it's purely aesthetic. I'm not tongue-kissing these shoes. I'm not rubbing them on my genitals and then spending time with my family. I am cleaning these shoes just purely surface-ly and so much like my beehole which also must be cleaned surface-ly because it's because I can't get in there. I can't clean it inside because I'm not starting that process. Why start now? So I start with the shoes. It's just nice to maximize your time.

Alright, well this is Side Stories everyone. I am Ben with shoe wipe Henry Zabrowski. I don't know. I don't know buddy. I think that's a little controversial. I don't think so. You take an especially dirty pair of shoes and you leave them in the bathroom so that whenever you're shitting you can clean them. But yeah, you know, I just feel like back in the day people used to do those things. They used to like, what was that? Fast Times at Richmond High. The guy, he's masturbated in the bathroom. And now you're of a certain age where you're just cleaning your shoes. I'm still masturbating in the bathroom. I think that's sad. I think that's very...

Why? I don't know. I just feel like you should be focused. Focused on what you're doing. Focus on the work at hand. And the work at hand, my friend, is not cleaning shoes. You know what? Excavating waste. In your crooked point, I do... I should make more time to be in the present. That's what I'm saying. And I should be in the present more often because I understand that. And it's a gift. Our time is given here. That's why they call it the present.

I heard that. I heard that. But at the same time, maximizing time, Warren Buffett. You think Warren Buffett just takes a shit? No, man. Warren Buffett is probably compounding that doing real estate deals. I don't know. I think Warren Buffett does a surprisingly few amount of things during the day. I think he's one of the largest liars. I think he's a fucking liar. Well, I think it is one of the larger lies that we as a people have created

when it comes to the billionaire class that they're very busy. Because by nature, they have nothing to do. Because they're billionaires. What do you mean? How do they get to billions of dollars? They just sit there and they watch the mathematical thing, the Wall Street jackpot. Man, we do everything dumb and hard. Yeah, we do. All right. Well, speaking of, well, neither of those things.

Let's talk about that young girl. Now, this is a situation. So Natalia, she's Ukrainian. She was adopted. And there was a lot of speculation. I'm not going to say just on our show, on other shows as well. Many, many shows. Many great, trusted, many trusted platforms. There's a lot of people that have been talking about this story. I mean, again, the most important story in the news cycle right now.

By far. Absolutely. By far. And so we know, again, Christine and Michael Barnett, they adopted Natalia Mons. They adopted Natalia. And when they, in 2010, they believed her to be six years old. The Christine Barnett has gone on to say that she believes that Natalia was actually 22 with the most nefarious version of homicidal dwarfism that anyone's ever had. She tried to kill the whole family and they abandoned her by moving her into apartment.

They moved her into an apartment so she would keep their family safe. And the whole family moved to Canada to further pursue the prodigy career of her young son, who is now a physics professor, I believe at the age of these, either 12 or 15. I heard he's 22. So this is what's so interesting about this story. Now, Natalia, obviously she got some bad press. She was doing a little bit of the poisoning of the yogurt, which I don't poison breakfast. Don't poison breakfast.

And by the way, I know the super sweet, good liquid that goes into cars is called antifreeze. What? It is, as people were pointing out, it would be like, I just called it super sweet liquid, but it is antifreeze. But it is supposed to be very sweet, which is why that story of the woman that poisoned her husband over the years, she hid the antifreeze and gatorate. Exactly. Because it's kind of sweet tasting.

Although now I do think they've altered the flavor. They ruin the flavor like they're doing with the jewels. I think they just made a tobacco flavor now or something. They went new coke with antifreeze? I'm pretty sure they changed it up so it wouldn't taste so dang good to the tongue. But nonetheless, so this girl is going a little crazy over there. That is really not up for debate. Everyone's like, even if she is six or eight, it's even scarier.

Then she's trying to poison the family than if she is twenty two. Well, there's many things here because now Christine Burnett is in. She, they are currently, they are being prosecuted for abandoning a child. And now there's, there's a lot of information back and forth saying that Natalia is a kid. Natalia is not a kid. And originally the judge now is now saying that the doesn't even matter if Natalia wasn't a child. At least she still maybe had some form of developmental disablism. So she would, she's still abandoning somebody that needs a guardian's help.

But now we're seeing number one. And one of the questions that came from last episode is where the hell is Natalia? She's been found. She has since been abducted, she's since been adopted by a family in Indiana. And they are, it is, I believe it's a preacher. There's one man's who's a recently ordained pastor and his wife Cynthia and they are thirty six and thirty nine respectively. And they're saying she's, she's full on little girl. Yeah, the friend of the Mons family have said the Mons care for Natalia as if she's their own.

There's, there's nothing. You're supposed to, that's called adopting a kid. I know there's nothing crazy going on or anything. These are good people. So that's what their story is. But let me just say this. This is sounds a very similar story. It's a very similar story as to Barnett and the film Orphan.

Of course someone starts out sweet. Of course. That's how you reel them in. That's how you make them trust you. And so the next thing you know, your car's not starting because they hit that freeze. It's in the freezer hanging out with the Gatorade. It's been mixing your ice cream and all of a sudden you're driving down the street and you're like, Natalia, you're going to have a lovely time at dance camp.

What's wrong with the brakes? What's wrong with these brakes? She's like... What is that Ukrainian laugh, Natalia? The brake lines that do not to be cutting themselves. Parachuting out. And then she parachutes out of the back of the fucking car. You're over the clip.

Another dead pastor. Which I don't think is a problem. I mean, I'm kind of on Natalia's side to the degree that she's having fun with life. She was born into this world. She didn't, she has to be born into this world. She's playing by her own rules. You know, this is Ukrainian ingenuity. So here's a couple of things that did also more additional information.

I did see a bit of, someone put one of those imager albums together of all of the ways that it shows that Natalia might actually be growing up and she might actually be a child. But I'm not certain. She could still be an evil child. I'm with you, Kissel. I don't know. I think that she could still be a child, but she could be an evil child. But the, we got an email from Zee that is a possible explanation for how a seemingly six-year-old could have

pubic hair periods, which was the big thing. As she said, when Christine Barnett first gave Natalia a bath, she was full on Lena Dunham down there. She was a full bush, right? So what we're going to see is it's possible according to science. This is disgusting. Let's just get through this part that you really wanted to do. Okay, this is written by a woman. Yes.

It's a female perspective. No, yeah. This isn't a man sending me like pictures of his own bush and saying like, you can see this is my first fucking hair. I got this when I was five. Here we go. Precocious puberty is a rare medical condition when a child's brain prematurely starts to produce the gonadotropin-releasing hormone, GNRIH.

Nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. The gonadotropin, which triggers the production of estrogen and to stay sterone. Basically, children can start to experience puberty at a very young age. And I tell you what, I'd really experience puberty. Not at a young age. I don't think you hit puberty until you were 17.

You should have seen the way I used to sexy dance as a boy in my room. I used to do weird little erotic dances in front of the mirror. It was fun. It was a way for me to release. Uh-huh. Under eight for girls and nine for boys. And it's unclear what exactly triggers this. I think it's seeing your first Chuck Norris movie.

I don't think that's true. But it's been linked to a variety of genetic disorders, trauma to the brain or tumors. In addition to causing the development of sex organs and body hair, it can also advance bone age of the child. A child with precocious puberty hits their growth spurt earlier, causing them to initially be much taller than their peers. But they also stop growing much sooner, usually only growing to five feet or lower. Maybe this is me.

Precocious puberty also sounds like what fuckin' Ella Fanning went through. Ah, don't know what that means. They're so smart. They're so smart. Okay. Now, so possible. So I'm gonna just do this long story short. Child with precocious puberty are more likely to be victims of abuse, especially sexual abuse,

although it's more so caused by children developing secondary sex characteristics than pedophilia. They're also more likely to develop mental illness, especially in girls. Boys are more likely to become hyper aggressive. Social and cognitive abilities can also be affected. So who knows? All right. Well, it looks like that's the best answer so far. And growing up in Ukraine, war touring Ukraine, probably not the easiest life.

So, you know what? Natalia, we are pushing, we're rooting for you. Don't kill this family. Just, you know, you're in Indiana. So death would be something that they crave. So don't even give it to them. No, exactly. She could be one of those blood diamond child soldiers from Ukraine.

Do they have them still? I don't think that's where the blood diamond trade was. Ukraine doesn't really know for their unbelievable gems. No, it comes from the carnage gems. That's what's in Ukraine. But those war-torn little boys and little girls are out there fighting over the yams and the rock soup for the czars of Ukraine. That is a history lesson given by a drunken uncle that should never be allowed near a school.

All right. Well, speaking of people who shouldn't be allowed near a school, we hear this story. We hear this story come up about every three months, right? Casey Anthony pokes her little groundhog head up through the sand and the muck and says, hello, I'm thinking about having another baby. What do you think about this story? This is according to People Magazine. Casey Anthony is considering having another child.

I mean, she said her biological clock is ticking. She's got to get this thing going and kicking inside of her and screaming on the way out as it realizes that its mother is Casey Anthony. What do you think is going to happen here? I mean, is it going to be the lawyer? Is she still dating? She's still married to that lawyer guy? I think she is.

I don't know if she's married to a lawyer guy. Last I had heard was that she was involved with a private investigator, one of the people that worked on her trial that she became sort of a pseudo-girlfriend slash co-worker of. And yes, her uterus just popped every once in a while out saying like, remember me? Remember the carnage? Which I, you know, again, it's her right. Sure.

According to the law, she is innocent. No, she can't. Even if she wasn't, I think she could still have a child, technically. She has been exonerated. So, she can have this child, and maybe it's good for her to have a second chance that maybe just maybe this time she doesn't kill it. And I think that that's more than most. Some people smoke throughout their whole pregnancy knowing it's bad, right?

Yeah, but in the end, is it worse to grow a baby inside of you with booze and alcohol and weed and fucking modules all of its side to infant, right, and it comes out all crooked-backed like a Stephen King side character. Sure. Or is it better to let it have a full, healthy, almost four years alive and then you just nip it in the bud then before life gets hard because it's really around five or six when life gets hard. Well, oh yeah, that's tough to say.

Around that time, though, for sure. I think she's going to be heavily monitored. I'm pretty sure if Casey Anthony does have a child, every time she takes that child out on a walk, people are going to look in, make sure the child's still breathing. It'll be like all those old mob movies where they poke the child with a pin to make sure it does. In this case, to make sure it flinches in those mob movies to make sure it's actually dead or put like a mirror underneath its nose to see if there's any air coming out.

Like, this is going to be, you know what it takes? It takes a community. It takes a large group of people to raise a baby. And in this case, it's going to take a large community to make sure that this baby is still alive every single day. She also, whoever she ends up with is going to be named Eric and he's going to be a backup dancer for somebody. Oh, of course.

I feel like that's sort of in the mix here is that it's going to be some form of rapper. It is either going to be a SoundCloud rapper or it's going to be some form of, I want to say lawyer, show business lawyer to go in there. It's all coming together now because we were talking before the show, T'Cashe69. He's got to go into protective custody. Where is it safer than to be around Casey Anthony, America's most hated woman? No one's going to bother him. He hooks up with Casey Anthony.

They have a child together. T'Cashe has a life reborn. I think that this is a match made in heaven. You know what I'm looking up? It's Puck from Real World. From San Francisco Real World. Puck actually, I'm pretty sure he's beat a lot of human beings, mostly women. This is what I'm saying.

This is a good guy to get in there to everybody can revamp everybody. This is a revamp, huh? You get, what's his name? His name is David Rainey. You get Puck in there. I think he could do it. Puck is probably 60 years old now. And still eating peanut butter with his bare fingers.

Let me see if he did. Does it have his age anywhere? Yeah, I think he's forever young. But remember him with Pedro and then Pedro was like, yo bro. Yeah. Open 20, as of 2013, he's forbidden to leave Los Angeles County. So yeah, that's going to be difficult. She'd have to move to SoCal, which she could do.

She's already in Southern Florida. So she, I mean, it's kind of a hop skip. It's essentially a life style, but just different humidity levels. Why is it when someone is horrible? They're like, you can't leave this state. Like, shouldn't they be like, you can't come back here. Get out of this good state. You have to go to Wyoming.

Go away. Yes. You get sent right to Wyoming, Puck, and see if you can survive around the buffalo. I mean, maybe he could find so much needed peace. You know who I also would put up there as possible? Maybe almost opposite. If Michelle Obama would release Barack Obama for the relationship for one week and for him to go and put a baby inside of her.

And then she has the pressure of holding Barack Obama's baby inside of her. And then she needs to sit and wonder like, how much is it worth it? Because number one, if she kills the baby, she becomes number one right wing celebrity of all time. Oh, that's actually a good point, but maybe that's what she's going to go with. I mean, I know she loves RGB. But I mean, who does it? Who does it?

But the part of it is it's not about the politics. It's about getting back on top. And isn't it better to rule and held and serve in heaven? I could see it. Tommy Lauren, Casey Anthony, Laura Ingram, a three woman, triple headed snake, speaking to her. That could be very big tops off pundits out. That's what it's called.

The whole thing is a tops off fucking right wing pundit tour. This is a lot of stuff. I'm just saying if I'm going to be a fucking manager one day, this is the kind of stuff I'm going to shoot out at some of my my regrettable clients. No, this is this has been a great news core like elevator pitch as soon as I see Rupert Murdoch the next time. I'm going to let him know we have an idea. And when that show comes to fruition and we are EPs on it and we're making money

on top of money and all we money on top of money, sit there, Warren Buffett style, let my fucking ass turn into pancake batter and all my knees do is make that money. But then the irony is, of course, Barack Obama is in the production game now. So we could actually read. We could have a show produced by Obama. Oh my God. The whole thing is coming together. It's too perfect anyway.

So that is a little bit of Casey Anthony news. And I'm just going to say this. I will believe it when I see it. I think she just likes to pepper these ideas out into the media so that she can get her 15 minutes of fame. She's legitimately down to nothing. She's just grasping a straw. She maybe makes 40 grand a year.

So she is trying to she's trying to get it going as much as humanly possible. I am surprised she didn't. She never did Jesus a lot. But it's more like her having to. I mean, kids cost money. Kids have money or kids cost money. Yeah. But with her, I am surprised that she did not take the porno deal.

I'm very surprised. I'm surprised we haven't seen one. I think the dealer. I think the deal is still out there. I think hustler still has it out on the table. But I don't know. I guess she's too classy for it. No, I think that it's not that she's too classy.

She's waiting until it hits peak because you could also spend. And you could also make a special where you get a bunch of guys together to impregnate Casey Anthony. And you do pornos. Yeah, you could. No condoms with a bunch of eligible bachelors that want to make the baby. And then you sell the sex videos. And then what you do is either that or you wait until which one like you can have people to put money on which one catches. It's not that much far.

It's not that much different than the bachelorette and the bachelors. So I could see that happening. All right. Well, let's do let's see here. Henry, we've got to move on. Did you hear about this story, Henry, about this couple that broke into the billboard in Auburn Hills and played a porno? You saying couple. It's like two teenage boys.

No, I mean, that's a couple. That is a couple. Unless they are kissing, even if they're younger, they're like literally too young. They're like two young boys. But of course, that makes me feel better about the story, though. If it was two 65 year old dudes who are just like in the gilf porn, I'd be like, that's a little weird. This is what young kids should be doing. I think so.

You know, I mean, obviously now they're going to throw the book at them. But it's unfortunate because I feel like they, you know, they're having fun. It's a joke. That's fun. They're destabilizing. It's the most innocent way of being the Joker. You know, let them have it because even I was thinking about what a good way to start. Like maybe if we, what we need the edge, when we need the edge in pitches, what I was starting to do is start putting that new walking phoenix style Joker makeup on and just going outside the bill and going,

what's everybody upset about? I'm just a clown. I'm just a clown. Just to turn up the heat. I love it. So these kids, they're facing 90 days in jail or a $500 fine. But you know, I know you're not supposed to play porn on billboards. I get it.

Whatever. There's children going like, I don't want to get serious here, but we got people shooting up Walmart's. We got kids doing much crazier things for me in a world that we have to worry about mass violence on a endless scale. A little porn I want to billboard is almost a breath of fresh air tail. It's just sex. Yes. It's just sex. And my understanding was it's relatively Monday.

Yeah, it's not like, I mean, I think it's different if it's like a woman getting gaped by a fucking horse, like an actual horse. Well, that is much different. Yes. That's different in ways. I don't know what's appropriate anymore. I feel that for mainstream consumption, P and V, even P and B, where if it's dudes or women, that's just normal. That's just, it's totally consensual. Trans, trans, and them all have sex in their various different ways.

It's just P's, in V's, or P's and B's, or in amps. Is this how you're going to explain sex to your child? Because they are going to be immensely confused. It sounds like an arithmetic equation here. No, I'm going to do a fully, I'm going to hire actors to do fully clothed reenactments of making love. Just so my kids can see what it would be like. Perfect. Just get a big, like a big bunch of sheets of ham, put on a target, and be like, let's see if you can find the clit with this blindfold on.

And I think that that's important. Yes. So that they can, I think that sex ed should also choose, should also include sex techniques. That's great, you know, because that's how they do it in the U.S. military. When they train people for combat, they just do it like real goofy, you know, like everyone's wearing like cosplay outfits. And then when the soldiers actually get to real war, they're like, oh man, this is like, yeah, this is nothing like that. So when your child finally does see a vagina, just like, this doesn't look like baloney at all. I have no idea what to do here.

It's going to make a really uncomfortable situation even worse. No, it's about getting used to just getting in there. All right. Well, there you go. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't want them to do it to people. I'm not making them do it to the landlady. Not like the film King Ben.

No. That movie is great, by the way. And that wraps up that last section perfectly. Because we mentioned Takashi at six nine. He may have to go become Amish. And then, of course, a kingpin regarding the landlord lady. That film is hilarious. Check it out.

We have to plug it. We have to plug it now. Now we do. It's being that we have the interview with the director of Zombieland coming out October 7th. So make sure to check that out. Henry and I loved it. And I think the interview was great, right, Henry? It was really fun to talk with somebody that has the power to cast me in the future.

Fly from your grave. Fly from your grave. Well, let's move on here. Henry. Oh, here. I want to do the story. I want to do the story. Okay.

Do the story. All right. This is the story of a man who believes he shot an alien. Whoa. Now this is, I can't wait for this book to come out. Now this comes from the app, which is part of the USA Today Network by Eric Larson. In a new book, a retired Air Force major claims alien was killed at Joint Base McGuire Dix Lakehurst.

Was an alien shot and killed in the Pine Barons of New Jersey? A new book titled Strange Craft, the true story of an Air Force intelligence officer's life with UFOs claims that a military police officer shot an extraterrestrial being at Fort Dix in the early morning hours of January 18th, 1978. Now this is done by author John L. Guerra and it is done from the stories of retired Air Force major George Filer III. Now he is a decorated former intelligence officer for the 21st Air Force military airlift command at the adjacent McGuire's Air Force Base.

Filer, now 84 and living in Medford with his wife Janet said that it's been in an urban legend first promulgated by UFO enthusiasts since the early 1980s. It is indeed true. Whoa. Now in the freezing winter darkness of that day in January 1978, a bipedal creature described as about four feet in height and grayish brown in color with a fat head, long arms and slender body was shot to death with five rounds fired from a service member's 45 caliber handgun. Damn.

As Guerra explained it in his book, the soldier had originally been in a police pickup truck driving through the wilderness of the base in pursuit of a strange low flying aircraft that had been observed passing through the military installations airspace at about 2 a.m. that morning, which I'm now excited. I can't wait to read this book. Yeah. I wonder if we could get this guy on at some point as well. So it's the 84 year old that shot this person.

Yes. He is not the one who wrote the book. Someone wrote a book about it and they interviewed him. Is that it? He has a ghost writer that he wrote the book with John and Guerra. Okay. Before into the drive, the soldier became aware in typical horror movie fashion that the craft oval shaped in radiating a blue green glow was hovering directly over his vehicle.

That's when the creature emerged from the shadows on foot, revealing itself to the soldier by stepping into the beams of the vehicle's headlights where the panicked MP drew his weapon, ordered the alien to freeze and then fire, which is difficult with there's a language barrier. But this is the problem. That's why it's like if the aliens ever did come, the film Mars attacks is probably the most accurate. You can't trust us. He just immediately shot this thing.

Did the, did the entity approach him? Did it seem to be hostile or he's just like, don't recognize it. Better shoot it. That's what he did. He basically just didn't know what the hell it was and he shot it. It could have been a young mugsie bugs and they just shot him right in the head. Oh, this is very, this is very, very difficult. Like, you know, it's, I think it's indicative of this shoot first, ask questions later,

policy that has been put inside of law enforcement for many years, which is actually not true. You just scared the shit out of, you got scared, but you saw an alien and you shot in the head. Well, what the hell happened then with the alien body? Well, as here they did pick it up. There's a long story. There's stuff that I don't really want to bust because I want to read this book now and I want to go through the, I want to do this in more detail. Awesome.

So if anyone knows how to get in contact with that man, perhaps one of our crack staff members could figure it out. I would love to interview with him and speak with him because it seems like most stories we hear about incidents that occurred in the 70s from people who are now 84 years old are all horrible. So it sounds like, hey, this is actually one of the good ones. This sounds like one of the good old people who didn't get away with a series of heinous crimes. They actually just met an alien and should he have shot it, I guess that would be something up for debate.

That is up for debate. But I would say this is, again, a wonderful, wonderful story. If you ever want to be truly amused with yourself, look up Deathbed UFO Confessions. Because this is the shit when it really comes out because that's when they start not giving a fuck. Right. And they're my favorite. One of my favorite UFO documentaries of all time is filled with it. It's called I Know What I Saw.

And it's still my favorite title of any documentary. And it is just a bunch of old men going, when I saw I put this on the moon, they threatened to take away my badge. And I said, you could take my badge and shove it. You're like, I love old angry military men that are haunted by UFOs. Oh, they are the absolute best. All right. Well, let's just do, let's just jump in to Hero of the Week, shall we? And this new song, it's from a fellow named Shmegma.

He wants to be Alonzo Shmegma. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The way I would describe this as, it is sounds. All right. Well, let's do this week's Hero of the Week theme song coming in from Mr. Shmegma. Oh, yeah, this goes out to Henry and Benjamin. Call a half two while you freeze, move a cycle of nerds and geeks. It's time to start clapping sheets for the motherfucking hero of the week.

Shake your pants and watch him ski. It's time for the hero of the week. You know what, Henry? That is like we have our listeners. They are so talented. We see it on Instagram all the great artwork. And then now we realize they're also great musicians. So talented.

We got lucky. This is, you know, he did a good job of rapping. And I think it also really shows that we are with it. Oh, we're hit. We're the hippest guys around. I think we're with it. And we know what the kids love. You know what they love?

Rap. The rippity rap. I love that rippity, rippity rap. I think it's a hip hop. Travis regularly makes fun of us. You remember when we were in Berlin and we had that really nice, like we, someone put us on the list for a club. Yes.

To go to some fancy fucking dance club. And we're all like so excited after the show. Like, oh, we're going to head over to this club. We're like, oh, it's 11 o'clock. Well, hopefully we'll get over there in time. And I remember the Berlin man just in Travis looking at us and both of them saying the club doesn't open until midnight. And we all went like, oh, that's going to get a little, although,

you know what, Henry? I did go to that club with my buddy. And it was actually, it wasn't as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be. Although as soon as we got out of the cab, someone did ask if we wanted to buy cocaine. And I just liked it for the aesthetic. We didn't do it. But I thought that made it feel like we were at a club.

I was like, all right, this is kind of fun. But then the promoter, the promoter was also saying, don't like, don't offend the bouncer, don't make yourself seem uncool in line. And for you guys that meant like, don't talk about Jim Croci for an hour in line. Oh, no, we didn't wait in line. No, no lines. Yeah, I tried not to bring up. And that's how to bring like bad, bad Leroy Brown when I show up at the EDM club.

Yeah, it is that. All right. Well, Henry has a serious hero of the week. And then I have an even more serious hero of the week. Let's start. I'll just start with mine. So this fella, you know, God, God, give it and God take it. Evidently, there was a man and God gave him a 10 inch penis.

And you think, oh, wow, isn't that must be so nice for him. I've heard women say that's too big. You, you've heard a lot of women say things about that. Yes. Yes. Need all that. No, you don't need all of that. That's why.

No, no, no, no, no. It hurts. You're not just trying to comfort you as you cuddle into their shoulder and cry and cry. They say, no, that's too big. Henry, yours is just right. Yeah. So this man, he was busted for shoplifting, but he wasn't shoplifting anything other than his 10 inch donger.

His name was Steve Whitehurst and he's a window fitter, which that must be a tough job, honestly, with a with a big sausage like that. Yeah, it's gotta be always like laying on the sill. I know when you're working on the top of it, that's gotta be very dangerous. I have no idea. So he bought 400 pounds worth of stuff at Scott's menswear with his girlfriend, Mandy Shanton, and her 18 month old grandson. They're walking out.

The manager started to argue with him. And this is what the manager said. This is what he said. He said, the manager started to argue with me. She wouldn't let it go. I just kept telling her that it was my penis. And then eventually he goes on to say, eventually I dropped my trousers in front of everyone and just stood there in my boxing shorts and said, see, I've got nothing to hide.

I think he just wanted to show his fucking cock to this guy at the grocery store. No, because that didn't satisfy her. She kept saying, what's that bulge? He said he went to a cubicle with the mail security guard at the local store in quote, a store in Stoka Trent, and Steve recalled, I dropped my boxers, he shook his head and ran out and spoke with the manager. I heard her say, please tell me he's got something down there. And the guy said, no.

So I don't know why he's a hero, but I just thought it was funny. It is funny. It is something outing the craziest experience of his life as the company, you know, he complained to the company and his girlfriend said it was so humiliating what they did to Steve was disgusting. But he hang on in there. Yeah, I'm certain his life is fucking fine, Kissel. He's got a steady job, he's got a ten-inch cock, and it's really all that matters at this point. He has succeeded.

And he showed his dick at the grocery store like he was Paul Rubens, which he can do. It does make an exciting day at the grocery store. I can fucking imagine. It does. It does. Well, either way. Because every time I fucking show my penis at the grocery store, they're like, sir, we didn't want to know if you brought it.

If you were trying to smuggle a jalapeno pepper out of this store. All right. But here we go. I just wanted to tell that story. This was the time to do it. But now, Henry, let's talk about someone who is a true hero and who has passed on. This is the story of a man named William Carlos. Someone just recently wrote this from the Washington Post by John Ruck.

If there was a man named William Corliss, he led his life for the example of a man named Charles Fort. Charles Fort was an eccentric New York journalist who spent the early 1900s scouring newspapers and scientific publications for bizarre reports, Reigns of Blood and Frogs, UFOs, ancient Roman coins plowed up in American fields, all of these crazy stories of the wild and the extraordinary and the paranormal that he was trying to view from a scientific angle. Now, Corliss was the same type of guy. And so for many years or decades, he put together these giant handbooks of unusual phenomena,

like one was called Handbook of Unusual Natural Phenomena, rare halos, mirages, anomalous rainbows, and electromagnetic phenomena. And so he created this legacy of compiling these examples of crazy stories that he tried to sort of go out from a scientific angle. But according to his son, Jim, who is now the last of this living of this family, his entire archives are just slowly dwindling into nothing. He has a website called science-frontiers.com that has been around. They've been talking about trying to keep his archive alive since 1997.

And this is me as a reach out. If anybody has these books or wants them, it's like I have a sort of a, obviously, getting to be a pretty massive paranormal book collection going on here at the studio. I'd love any sources of these books, PDFs of these books. We really need to keep his work alive. He spent many decades being essentially a rational, Swiss quotation marks, rational force within the world of the paranormal. And this is our time, if you have it, if you have this shit, I know some people out there,

I imagine John Tenney, people who have any of these source books. See if you got them and send them my way. We got to keep these things alive. All right, there it is. What was his name again, Henry? William Corliss. C-O-R-L-I-S-S. William Corliss and the man with the ten inch penis.

Heroes of the week. What a duo. Okay, well, let's do some listener email. And again, you can always email the show at sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. That's sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Email the show. We always love to hear from you. So Henry, you got some cool ass emails, right?

Yes, I'm now sitting through it because first of all, already getting your listener pasta submissions. Yes, thank you. We will fucking keep them going. Can't wait. We're going to do at least one of these. I think we might have enough to do fucking two. That'd be awesome.

Already. We might do two leading up to Halloween. We're trying to get as creepy as fucking possible at the end of October. We cannot fucking wait. Yep. But here we go. This one comes from G. I'm emailing you as a somewhat a tribute to my amazing dad who died a few weeks ago

in a motorbike accident. Bad ass until the end. He spent almost 30 years of the police force and made it to the rank of detective chief inspector. As you can imagine, he had some crazy stories and I wanted to share one of the craziest with you today. My dad got called into a crime scene involving a World War II vet. The man was laid out on his bed like he had simply fallen asleep except his hands were

horribly mutilated and his head was missing entirely. After some searching, the head was found under the bed also very, very badly disfigured. My dad realized this wasn't just some face hand-based murder cult, but something much cuter. The man bred Pomeranians and had an unfortunate heart attack in his sleep and it seems his beloved pooches having nothing to eat decided to eat on his face and hands. So your dogs may love you now, but if you die, you are nothing but jerky to them. But you know what, if I die and I didn't put enough dog food for two weeks before someone

finally knocks on my apartment door to say, hey, maybe we'll check if he's still alive. You know what, it would be nice if someone could just check a little bit earlier, but that's okay. I'm not upset. I'm dead. I want my dogs to nibble on me and I can be their final meal unless, of course, then they turn rabid and now we have 25 rabid Pomeranians running around. That can cause havoc, as we saw with the Chihuahuas, the Chihuahua gangs in Detroit.

Oh yes, that's right, the Chihuahua gangs. That's right. I think that he, you know, you die like you live. There it is. You live like you die. He was having a good time. I had no problem if Puffin decided to eat me if he's gotta eat. You gotta eat.

Now this comes from a, this is a response to a story we did last week about that woman biting the camel's testicles. Ah yes, yes. This comes from Jay. Imagine the joy I felt when I heard Hero of the Week involved a woman biting the testicles of the camel, channeling her Sami ancestors, perhaps? Growing up, I was reminded on the regular that my female ancestors used to castrate reindeer with their teeth without ever drawing blood.

The reason was I had the power to fuck up any and all the men's without them even knowing. The foundation of why I am the bad bitch I am today. My family came from Uolo, Finland, and traced their heritage back to the Anari Fin. The Finnish Sami ethnicity, and Karelian. I'm certain that I'm not bitchering any of these names. No, no you're right. A region which is now a part of Russia. Castration of reindeer happened annually to control herd numbers.

Doing so without breaking the skin meant there was little to no need for wound care or risk of infection. Being Finnish is awesome for lots of reasons, but this is up there. And so she showed a video of it, of which is a lap, blander, reindeer castration that I saw, and basically what you do is you get your mouth up in the gooch area behind the back of the balls, and you just crush it with your teeth, like you crushed the pipe that the com would go through in the back of the balls. Okay.

And that's it. That's it. That's the whole thing? Yeah. Okay. Well, I do have one story here. It's just kind of a cute tale. I've been promised that it's real.

It's entitled Bigfoot Stole My Doritos, a true story, so that's why I've been promised it's real. Bigfoot Stole My Doritos, so you can imagine how hungry the Bigfoot must have been then. The story goes, I was camping a few years ago with my now ex-girlfriend. I'm sorry that it didn't work out, but that's okay, because there's always somebody else. Thank you. Thank you, Castle. No problem.

We were deep in the woods, really pushing ourselves. One night, I awoke to a sound outside a tent, and I smelled like dead skunk and cat pus in campus. God damn it. You smell like cat pussy out here. How do you know what that smells like, sir? Cat pussy. I get over a fact, because I'm a- I stiff my cat's dick regularly.

Uh-huh. Alright. So anyway, it smells like a dead skunk in campus. I've heard that you smell bears before you see them, so I thought it was just a bear trying to get our food, which I had hung in a tree about a hundred feet away. That's how you do it. Good job. I grabbed my headlamp and shout, yeah, bear, yeah, as I unzipped the tent.

But when my light finally settled on the culprit, I realized it wasn't a bear. It was a goddamn Sasquatch. He had climbed the tree and torn a sunder my food sack, and there in his big, furry hands was a bag of cool ranch Doritos, instinctively I yelled, put down my Doritos! And oddly enough, he did. We kind of locked eyes for a second, and I could tell it was studyin' me. My heart was beating a mile a minute, but calmly I said, ah, go ahead and take them. They're probably all crunched up now anyway.

It sat there, not understanding English. I guess I pointed down to the Doritos and nodded. Bigfoot got the message, picked up the bag, and quietly walked back into the darkness. He recalled this moment many times, and everyone asks, where did this happen? But he'll never tell, looking into those eyes that night, so human-like and intelligent, I know Sasquatch deserves privacy, and the occasional bag of tortilla chips. Is there any listing of your whereabouts on this night? What year is it?

This is your M.O. We don't have, we don't have a listing, and you know, I do look cool with it. No, it doesn't have you mixing all of the snacks from a hotel bar in a bowl on your lap while you're shitting. Also, this is the other thing, you made fun of me at the very top of the episode for multi-tasking, but you often eat on the toilet. Yeah, that's true. Which is technically more disgusting.

Do we just worse? Do we just worse? Do we just worse? David, glass houses. That's, I don't throw, I don't throw those down. You just did! I don't throw those down. You dirty Japanese chow!

This one last letter shows why you shouldn't yell at me. Okay. This comes from H. She came to the Berlin live, so she, which is what you want to say. Hello, she came from Krakow, and it was so happy that you came and met us at the meet and greet. So here's a letter that she wrote. Henry, you may have a reason to gloat about your heritage. Your name originally spelled Zbrovsky, and pronounced Zbrovsky, with the J like in the

French name Jean, so it could be Zbrovsky, may mean that you have noble ancestors. The Zbrovsky noble family was probably around in the 15th century, indefinitely in the 17th century. It started with the Polish king giving his knights rights to some land in central Poland. They started their own settlements and the family grew, and some of them are still around. Their family crest used to be the goat and an eagle under a crown, and the family proclamation, a kind of motto, was respect to the noble, to the despicable disdain. That is, I cannot believe you chose to read the e- it's a lie of an e-mail.

No, it's not. Also, it's Polish- Polish royalty. Polish royalty. I don't. That's Polish royalty, buddy. That's big. That's big. Wait till I go to the fatherland.

One day I'll go. Yes, we could have gone. We should have gone when we were out there in Berlin, but Berlin was too nice. It sucked us in. Yeah, it was having too much of a good time. We were just so sick by the end, too, that it was just like, I'm not ready for Auschwitz. No, I know. Marcus and Carolina went to Auschwitz, and I'm going to have to- my brain is going to

have to be stronger than it was by the end of our three-week tour, because I was just about to cry walking down the street for no reason, just like looking at a pigeon. Can you believe? Can you believe her in Berlin? Yeah, if I went to Auschwitz, it would just be me just dumbfounded just staring at shit. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, Marcus will, I'm sure, talk to us about that experience in the next Relax Fit episode of Last Podcast on the Left.

So, well, thanks everyone for your support. Thank you so much for supporting all the shows here, Abelian's Top Bad, Wizard of Bruiser, Page 7. You know where to find them. Check them out. Rate and review. And thanks for the great response, honestly, on the Mormonism series. I've gotten so many DMs.

It's been incredible. I did get one man who said I've been a little bit hard on Christians. Not all Christians. I'm just talking about my experience with the evangelical community. The difference is that we've had these experiences with bad Christians, so that's the reason why we have these stories. It's not just the blind malignment of them. We legitimately just have had problems with them, and yes, we understand they're not each

individual Christian. No. And everyone, you know what I always say, Henry, whatever you're going to do in this world to survive as long as you don't hurt other people, I understand. You got it. I've never heard you say it before, but I'm glad you said it. I've said it before. Oh, I've said it before.

Oh, yeah. But mostly it's us. I think you might have said it at some point at 3 a.m. because you don't listen. I do listen. All I do is listen. Oh, my God. That's what I say. Henry.

All I do is listen. Technically, that's all we do. All right. Well, thank you all so much for listening. Henry, just give them a triple L. Hey, guys. Oh, number one, before we go, I want to say, Senior Ed Larson and I have a show in Los Angeles. We do a show called Classy Night Out at the Pac Theater in Los Angeles.

It is Wednesday, October 9th. It is free, but donations are accepted. So fucking show up to that show because people line up and it's fun. No cameras allowed. So you know what it means, oh, we can really fly free out there. You can fly free. And of course, it's Ed Larson's birthday in the very near future. Saturday.

Yeah, on Saturday. So wish him a happy birthday. Send him a ham. Send him a ham, if you would. Oh, my God. That would be amazing. He'd love a ham. Oh, God, he'd love a ham.

Love every day. Love every day. Look, you just figured out this is the proper Joker makeup that I'm really excited. I'm going to do an open mic with this and everybody's going to love it. I can't wait. But every day, like, you're after that open mic and maybe you're wiping off your Joker makeup and you're thinking, oh, man, oh, man, I'm so angry with the fact that nobody laughed. I'm going to get, I'm going to really take it out on everybody because I never had a

girlfriend. Right. But then you know what you do? You look in the, you look in the mirror and you laugh. And you laugh because that's what a clown's job is. You got to, you got to laugh first. You got to laugh first or nobody else is going to be laughing. They're going to be crying because you're going to be bringing a gun into a school.

And what you do is just keep laughing. Even if it does sound like, you know, useless sparks, eventually it will grow genuine. I understand that if the women don't like you out there, it's probably your fault. So what you got to do is you got to just kind of flip it or reverse it and understand what it is that makes that is special about you. And if you could just make one person smile, maybe just that you can make yourself smile. Okay. Did you do the love one though?

Yeah, at the top and mix it all around. Oh, right. There we go. Thank you all so much for listening. Never forget. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Magustalations.

Oh yeah. Hail me. Oh yeah, buddy. I think you're going to be a great father to Casey Anthony's child. Natalie won't let me. I said, I just marred my sperm. Yeah. No male.

That's a great idea, Henry. No, but then you out creeped Casey Anthony. No, I just, I would just, I'm not going to, I obviously ask, I would send a letter first asking for permission for me to send my sperm in the mail. Perfect. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.