Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Cocaine Cactus

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime stories: a cocaine-loving cactus toy, an axe murder at a lumber yard, a woman gets a restraining order for feeding carrots to a horse, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk on the left side stories That's when the cannibalism started Yeah, man, the turkey is dead we fucking got her Okay, we got her man Good work. That was so fucking sweet. You're bragging about going to a store and buying a turkey I didn't Eddie had him Eddie made us go get fancy turkeys. We went down to this place We went we got fancy turkeys whatever brought back to the house I get to spatch cock a turkey for the first time that is the single most metal thing. I've done at 945 a.m

Just fucking cutting the spine out of a prone bird because the one thing that is true It's like once you got that turkey in your hands sure chubby little fucker, right? Like you feel you see this chubby little thing you can feel it dancing into it in a field You can feel how happy it was before it died I feel it in its muscles and how much fun it was having and then it got fucking shot in the back of the head like It's gonna happen to all of my life. I don't think that's how they do it I think they slice the neck and hang it upside down, but yeah They don't know it's gonna come at all of us so fast and so hard the end of it the screeching halt end of it once

You slam into the brick wall to the end of the fucking tunnel for all of us And that's what that turkey experience and then I cut its spine out of it, right? Do you think that that's a do you think the turkey appreciates you talking about it like that? Should we be thanking the turkey because of course we ate the turkey for Thanksgiving? I don't know what the turkey didn't it's fucking life. He's just a gobble gobble. He's a turkey Yeah, who knows but he knows what it did within its own turkey community and how it ended up on my cutting board Well, that's true. I hope the aliens say nicer things when they abduct you pluck all the hairs off of you Spread you like you're being quartered in the town square for me to bad bad senator

Fucking cut. Come and get me. Come and get me in foot Let's see what happens because I honestly think that they'll find me very funny And I'll be one of those ones that they keep round for a little bit and then release because then they get sick of the bits Much like my family. All right, but what is fun though slicing through bones is that fun? You can kind of see why some of these guys get into it because it's actually pretty satisfying When you feel the coach Slicing through I had like cuz I had the big knife stabbing that into its fucking side, so it's fun It activates a lot and really it helps you appreciate how vulnerable we all are sure well

I'm happy that you got around to something mildly positive. Welcome to side stories everyone I am bed hanging out with turkey killer Henry Zabrowski. I'm here. I'm complicit I did consume some upset turkey, so my hands are certainly not clean on this situation My there's gravy on all of our hands, but wasn't it good? It was really good And let's start then kissal can we start then today with what we did this last year. I was reminded of this What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season? Well, I'm thankful that everyone hopefully listening had a good Thanksgiving and I think that that is just wonderful That's something you can't be thankful for because you don't know if they had a good Thanksgiving

I'm you don't know what people I'm thankful for my dogs. I'm thankful for the Packers They're they just won yesterday the multi-billion dollar football franchise. Yes indeed I'm thankful for them, and I'm thankful for all you listeners out there, so thank you so much and Henry That's very assume you're thankful for me So we don't even have to go down that road because we already know but you know what else I'm thankful for what? Christmas is right around the corner. I hate you. I hate this. I don't want it to me I mean, I will say you I didn't make a taxi driver cut off. I had to made a taxi driver shut off Christmas You speak shut off Christmas music because it's not legal until black Friday. I did hear last Christmas

I'm my drive-up in here to the fine studio here and That song is horrible, and it makes me very sad because it seems like every Christmas she ends up getting an abortion I have no idea what that song's about, but apparently she gave I don't know what's happening, but anyway Toys, that's what's so fun about Christmas is the children That's the only thing that matters Daddy, daddy, you're never home Gimme, gimme, you're never home You're always working

But mommy won't let you have a good time because mommy says when you have a good time you come home and you move all the furniture around Slightly enamored and hammered with the designing furniture after two o'clock in the morning is never a good thing in Queens, but Daddy to buy the love of the child will of course purchase toys However, not all toys are made the same Walmart. No matter a fact. They had to pull the children's toy recently because Evidently it swears and sings in Polish, and then what does it sing about? Sweet sweet not snow Cocaine super super fucking dope ass Snow time like honestly, this is the kind of Christmas I want. I want a coke Christmas, but but with fentanyl strips

I think it's important to put in stockings if you're gonna have a cocaine Christmas Absolutely be very be very safe also just you know do a little I had her all the cocaine or I mean heck I'm sipping my rockstar energy drink right now He loves it like I've just done 50 lines of the world's most average cocaine and I'm not gonna get the hangover So we know and on or have an espresso because it really does help what I love about this is that it was discovered by an Ontario Ontario grandmother Ontario grandmother Yes, she was found she bought this and she's apparently she just also happened to speak Polish And this woman went on the Toronto news and they're all like can you even believe that they're such a thing as a swear word?

Because it's Canada and this woman they know about swear words in Canada What are we gonna do with all these dead bodies? And she is from the carnival world of Ontario, right? So she's so used to experiencing so much flavor and salsa, but she heard this Creatures or this cactus dancing cactus. Yeah, it's a cactus and it dances and it was supposed to be an educational tool apparently Several languages, I think it's English French and Polish and she turned the Polish section on and she was just like I told my author to prize when do I hear it say oh How good this is to do cocaine by yourself, which is the saddest thing I've also ever heard the idea of just doing cocaine by

Yourself because apparently he was lifted from a Polish rapper by the name of Cyprus. Oh Cyprus Cyprus He said the song is about taking five grants of cocaine and doing it by yourself Well, you know that makes sense. That sounds like something a Polish rapper Would rap about so again, it's a cactus. It's a dancing cactus. It's supposed to be an educational toy No, to some degree isn't teaching children how to do cocaine at a very young age educational This is according to Ania Tanner. So this is what she told CTV news in Toronto She says this toy uses swear words and talks about cocaine use this is not what I ordered for my granddaughter

But imagine No, maybe you know you can't your granddaughter won't know but also imagine if you're like yes The cocaine dancing cactus Polish Christmas present if that's on your list and you found that honestly you should that's the most luckiest thing Did you've ever experienced? It's pretty freaking cool. It's a twenty six dollar toy Which is a little expensive for a dancing cacti, but what do I know about buying children's toys and supply lines? Supply lines absolutely speaking of lines the cocaine that the song talks about Apparently, it's they the cactus just loves it

It can't get enough of it But I would be very careful if I was a cactus because cocaine makes you a little thirsty and cacti are already In places that don't have a lot of water so I'm prepped with water That's what happens you open up a cactus if you were actually in the middle of the desert, which I do believe is real You know how many times that happens to me look for a succulent cactus and you open it up and you can squeeze water from its membranes Mmm, very nice. Well, it's a Chinese made toy. You're not even listening to me You don't even you're not even checking in with me. You don't even look at me I tell you survival guides and I'm you just told me a survival plan. I can suck the water out of a cactus

But again, I have a fantastic rockstar energy jerk right here So I don't need to suck the water out of a cactus if I am stuck for some reason If I go to Burning Man and I wander off as I will do that's not good. You will of course I find a cactus and I'm like, look at that beautiful catch No, I'm just not you know You could tell me any way to survive and I'm still just gonna end up drinking my own piss But you know, I don't know what to do I feel like you'd last a long time not like the family that was hiding that was hiking in Devil's Gulch

I feel like you would have a lot of water hidden within your folds And that it's if you just like like in the sandworm in God Emperor like he takes out a little titty This is true at the end of God Emperor book 4 of Dune and the woman that he's like training to like replace him or whatever Bullshit, it's a long story. He makes her suckle on her little teeth She fucking trips balls right at the very end like he pulls up this little worm teeth I bet you you can do the same. I don't have I don't have I only have the two nipples I don't have I don't think well, I have nipples. Can you milk me? Oh, what a great movie that was Well, just lastly when it comes to Tanner the woman who bought the cursing cocaine loving dancing cactus

She says I just want any I just want anybody before Christmas to think this is a great toy and go online and have this I know I just don't want anyone to think this is a great toy and go online and purchase it and then have the same thing That happened to me happened to them, which it really isn't that dramatic I think the woman is also protesting slightly too much and if you did buy this it's awesome and she's cool onto it Because it's a really cool little dancing cactus that talks about cocaine and now it's worth money because it's rare because they Discontinued it Walmart pulled it from its whatever its virtual shelves because apparently it's from one of their market places So it's like they don't even know that's one of these things about like Walmart and Amazon is that many companies can basically

Apply to have their wares be sell sold on these giant umbrella company websites And so technically Walmart had quote-unquote nothing to do with the doll It was just somebody using their marketplace and then they're like we've talked to them about Polish cocaine use They need to stop eating it with a spoon Why do they serve it with spoon if you're not supposed to eat like powdered sugar? I'm just sad that this dancing cactus is a thousand times smarter than me and you because it's trilingual and It's just what these dancing cactus is incredible Well, Europe has a different educational system. They really do there's an update

I want to do okay, so this comes from the Missouri case of the the missing woman Cassidy rainwater that was found You know on these these horrible people's property these guys are so fucking so horrifying looking It's just insane. I want to shout out to the the stylish cannibals out there like Think about what you're wearing a little bit. I don't know why we haven't seen one flashy cannibal in any way shape or form They always I mean Hannibal of course, but I guess that's a he's fake He's got a these got a fucking wardrobe designer and shit But right one thing that they have now confirmed is that cannibalism was indeed on the menu Which was seemed to have been a rumor and when what I also you know again our listeners step up to the plate

They're the best fucking group of government street team Bastards I've ever met and this is really really interesting Apparently rumors are is and this has been confirmed. Yeah, the man who owned the house whose name was James Phelps He was found eating a human sandwich. Oh my god Okay, they found a human sandwich they think that they definitely are pretty sure that this is not the first time He's killed someone because what they found was they had a thing called a gantry crane Which is commonly used for deer processing, which is where they found her she had been hung up and they had They basically had butchered her like a an animal like a butcher like they were gonna eat her house of a thousand corpses style

And they are pretty certain that this is no way shape or form the first time they did it because there is no way They had a system down this far because they when they found her she was I mean this is very grisly obviously But they found her wrapped up in the freezer marked by date Right like so he'd put her in there with it. There is something like go obviously anyone who's worked in the restaurant You know you put the mail away. When did you put it away? What dates? So, you know when things spoil? It is very interesting that they went the extra mile took out the Sharpie and was like that's November 3rd Don't forget it if you eat it by November 10th. It's not gonna be good anymore You don't want to get sick and you know what they say it's not that it gets you sick

It just won't be as tasty. It won't be as tasty. So James Phelps as Henry said he was also a Ruming with another dude named Timothy Horton Timothy Norton rather Timothy Norton is Another villain because he's the truck driver that was quote-unquote just staying with him We think here and the police seem to also kind of surmise too as that he's been bringing Womens to that spot, but there's still been no other there's been no other remains found besides Cassidy Oh, God. Yeah, that's what the oof the sheriff's statement says that miss rainwater was Strangled by the two men before being gutted and dismembered. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah It's not horrible when the search warrant was executed the Phelps home

They uncovered photos of a partially clothed female in a cage who we recognized as Cassidy the other photos had Cassidy's body bound in a gantry case as a gantry crane as Henry said oh Oh my god. No, it's really gross. It's really gross and then apparently He did the thing that we should maybe cover at some point like Nathaniel bar Jonah Who's another fucking monster that I was reading about the other day that we'll should end up we'll end up doing a series on but He had people over the night before right for what is the traditional cannibal meal Oh, pork ribs because he said they were pork ribs, which is why they were a little weird

So we had a bunch of people over there chowing down the night before and the way he talked about it to the The way he spoke about it to the police officers that he just kind of said well, yeah, we've been chowing on it for a minute now Yeah, we do that's all me. That's all livelihood Yeah, as a police officer you just have to sit there and go like uh-huh. Oh, yeah I'm like taking the taking the notes. I'm like, oh, oh, wow. Oh Was it was a barbecue sauce that you used your ketchup you put ketchup on it? I don't put ketchup on my food y'all you doubt it But you got to get some of that sweet when you'll hit no with that. He oh my goodness sweet

Baby raised was never intended for human flesh the meat. I don't know human. Well, we don't know actually that's a good point The human bean meat was labeled 724 July 24th So which coincides with missing when she went missing and and all of the kind of stuff So well, we will keep covering the story because it's good and disgusting What we like to cover. Yeah, it's fucking rough man Yes, the idea of being of just who hungry in Missouri That's what they would say if they were writing into an advice column, you know, yeah so right now Norton has

said that his lawyer says that he intends to plead not guilty and People don't know if mr. Phelps has an attorney yet. Oh, no, no, I don't think that he does Well, let's do a one more quick update here not too much to talk about here But no, dude or boy you talking about our boy Prince midnight not Prince Another shot. I'll just say it really quick This is just or a business shout out to a friend of the show Prince midnight He invented the invade a toilet that looks like Lars Ulrich You could go look this up online. It is a big old castor because I don't know how he made it

And the Prince midnight he just wants to tell people right this is from loud wire make no mistake This is not me taking a jab at Lars. This is my way I'll be it unconventionally to honor Lars Ulrich and Metallica I could have painted a picture or made a traditional sculpture But no one would have even noticed and really that's not the kind of art and performance I do the first band I ever loved was Metallica the first record I ever became obsessed with was the first and is the first music I ever dove into is the first concert I ever attended attended So now you can sit on the dick and balls of Lars Ulrich and shit in front of him. You know what? I

Agree, I believe that he is being sincere. Yes If anyone makes a toilet in the in the image of Henry or myself. Oh my god I would I will go I will purchase it from you sure you make a toilet in the shape of me I will purchase it because you know, we need to stop we need to de-stigmatize the bathroom Everybody poops. We all read the book. We all know what happens. I have a lot of the book It's never vol I know you have one through one through nine So we need to normalize that and I think that's wonderful that Lars is now Officially taken the form that we all see him as which is a human toilet. Yes

Also quick update on Alex Murdog, of course in South Carolina Thanks, everyone who came out who came out to the shows in South Carolina Alex Murdog still know like people just die Around him, I guess and they just do and no one is nobody is Prosecuting him for any of the murders. No, it's all just the money It is it is all the money and it's not a small amount. It's five million bucks and there are now 27 Additional charges involving financial crimes. So they're gonna get them on the finances. That's the way it always works Still no charges on the shooting deaths of his wife Maggie and his son Paul Which Joe was man, that was already that was just in June. So I

If you're him, are you like I'm the luckiest and least luckiest man in the world? I have no idea what this maniac must be thinking but you know, I feel like on some in some way shape or form He has now been shown. He's a career criminal sociopath Murderer all this kind of shit But the one thing that no one really wants to talk about or really assess is the amount of stress that these sociopaths murder Financial crime guys are under Yeah, I think that he was living a little bit of uncut gems lifestyle for a while I think he had just killed his wife and his son and that was like a lot. That was a lot

He was dealing with that. He's got all this money. He's stealing. That's a lot That's a lot. I feel like that there is a point where you're finally in the jail I like it right and you've got you all of your crimes are being revealed and there must be a sort of Calm that might come over you. We were like, well, at least I don't have to keep up stories anymore Well, there was a man here. I think that I think that's a totally valid point There is something about getting caught many people will express like I'm surprised it took you so long I believe that's what they would do. Is that what the son of Sam son of Sam Sam said that Um, and there was another man who was recently he murdered somebody

I think it was in 2012 and he was on the lamb He was on the run and then they ran a TV show about him and then he was so on list same thing We did John List he just went he just went and turned himself in he's like this is easier than being on the run So maybe you're right. Maybe he is like finally the mansion inside of the prison walls inside of my mind I can live comfortably now or he's like my entire family because you know, just Lane is now going to be on trial We're gonna see what she's doing. She's trying to wiggle her away out of all this fucking bullshit But I think it's the same thing where depends on what type of rich you are, right? Are you Epstein just Lane where you'd probably commit suicide or do whatever it takes to not be in jail anymore because you lost

Do all the things that mattered to you when it came to your status and what you do what you do in life and all of the Secrets that you get to hold on to that type of shit as a rich person or is he just looking forward to the retire Is this retirement? Does he finally get to stop working because I don't think he's got a lot of feelings Oh, I don't think so. No, I don't think he does and we'll talk about the glane Maxwell trial as it happens Just really just started they're doing jury selection right now. They're doing jury selection right now and I read an interesting article It's just in the Sun. So, you know, it's pretty basic But just a couple of different points as far as like trying to get her defense team So basically, they're gonna age all the stops. Oh, yes, they are they're gonna talk about how can she have a fair trial

Given the media attention. They're also gonna fuck this fucking bitch Fuck this fucking bitch Duty right now Henry you are not gonna be the jury. Let me get in there man. I'm gonna throw a fucking sandwich at her, dude They're also going to attack what are called false memories as of course time is eroded Which is that's all garbage they that's gonna do Try to do that. They're going to talk about this is she a scapegoat for Epstein So that trial is gonna be very interesting because she's the only other person knows the extents of his crimes And if she really wanted to she could just flip until everybody everything and then we'd all just we'd thank her

Everybody would let her live her life if she just came out and told us all of her bullshit But no, she's the same type of ego maniac as the other fuckface was and it's going to take her to get It's going to take her getting killed in that jail cell, which I mean probably could happen I think that she could definitely her she won't make it or the God, you know, I mean imagine she gets exonerated when she's in the gen pop She what I hope is that she never lives a peaceful day again for the rest of her life And then she might have to she might have to offer herself just to get away from it Look at stupid Brian Landry, which we also fucking called because that bitch couldn't take

Living up to his kind and serving his consequences She'll go live like a cryptid in the woods if she does get found not I hope she doesn't I I still have hope That they'll at least I feel like the problem is that the idea of her having a fair trial I have no clue how you do that with this with this woman But I feel I hope at most she gets some jail time and she can get her Well, and of course, you know as we talk about here on the show, it's about the victims and yeah she is not one of them and She's a perpetrator of many many alleged crimes alleged allegedly, but we will watch that trial and it'll be super interesting and

Hopefully she does talk when she if she takes the stand, but anyway, Henry, I have to do this story for you. Yes This involves it acts Yeah Cork ax killer murdered brothers in row over timber business He killed Somebody within the lumber community with an ax. Yes, he did fucking sweet and the names of these people Johnny Hennessey Patrick Hennessey and Willie Hennessey They all were owners of co-cork farm and apparently Johnny became enraged and just straight up snapped

Wow Because of that he killed whoo both Patrick and Willie he killed them with an ax and Apparently it was also a detectives are investigating the horrific double murder and suicide They pieced together the gruesome timeline of events that led to the death of Hennessey brothers So he killed both of his brothers and then killed himself. That is just a family gone in like a minute Wow, you became enraged Oh, yeah, we're yelling about lumber meanwhile the guard a watchdog is probing reports

So what are the men called local officers before the bloodbath is he help was not needed? It sounds like they really got into a fight and then they got way out of control Well, and they were trying to say like cuz they were having old pie Hennessey thought he could talk his way He could tell he could tell old Johnny me like listen Johnny. I am your pa You can't be coming to me. You can't be coming up with this kind of anger and then like, you know And then he maybe he said oh sure sure sure we know what happens when we tell an Irish person to calm down. What? Opposite bro opposite indeed. So what ever tell somebody to calm down, especially like calm your tits come your tits You're excited about a boy. I am the pie here. I'm pie Hennessey. I do love Dr. Zabrowski

He always gives the best exams patty Hennessey. He was found dead in the yard He was he suffered one single devastating hatchet blow to the head and then it was the brother He was also found dead with multiple ax wounds and then apparently Johnny said he was so in shock He was so distressed. He had to go take his own life. He drove his Toyota Corolla car van from the farm part near a church His body was pulled from the river about five kilometers Um, he left his wallet in his bucket so he or he left his wallet in the car so he could be identified So they're just all dead now. Um, don't know what the there really isn't I don't know what the fight was over Um, but apparently patty's son potty

This is a lot of irish here. He's a lot of irish He died tragically at the age of 21 and two years later the Hennessey's older brother who worked at Cork Martz also died at 57 So maybe I did Johnny just kill his whole family It sounds like there's a lot going on. Uh, I guess the lumber business is very stressful Yeah, I don't know. I guess not or maybe it just comes down to uh, it's hard times supply lines That's the thing. I just say things. I just say that randomly now. Um, but yeah, maybe that's what it is because it sounds like No, nothing good was going on Inside I don't know what's going on in this. It's the garter district

The Hennessey's brother tragedy occurred in the same garter district as another murder suicide last year When Marco Sullivan was shot in his bed and then his bot and then his brother dire mode and the father talk Yeah, I mean, these are very irish names. This is all I think that's Gaelic What is obviously side stories LP ot l a gmail.com just tell us how we mispronounce it and Exactly what we're supposed to do because they're from there from Cork So god knows if that's a specific type. I don't know I don't know. It's a tough day in the lumber business. The lumber business just lost one of their best lumber families And honestly, it's just hard to have all these axes lying around and not use them. Yeah, that's true

I feel like the axe well, we've already talked about it I would think I would rather go with the axe than a knife because the axe you also get bludgeoned And I think it hurts the bludgeoning but you know with a knife There's something about cutting the flesh with a knife and it makes it really kind of brutal Just like the axe it kind of bludgeoned you and then you're like, whoa, I can't believe and then you kind of go unconscious It's a much less traumatic injury to just be slashed with the knife Then you'd hit with an axe because hit with an axe But I would like I would prefer to be murdered with an axe because it would be faster if you just got me in the head

Right, if you just get me in the head, then I'm dead and it doesn't matter But if knife a lot of times it takes multiple stabs and you could still die over like 20 minutes Like you slowly leaking and leaking when I go like, oh, we'll fucking guts. We'll fucking guts Oh man, I'm bleeding out here, man. Yeah, like you're going too deep, man Like that type of shit. I don't want to deal with that in any way shape or form I don't want to leak to death. I would prefer to be surprised and murdered Quickly like quickly get it over with just lop it off because I'll just make a lot of noise Until you kill me. Anyway, I'm gonna get people here

Well, you know what I mean? If you do it within a couple city blocks I'm gonna get I'm gonna build a crowd and I'm even if it's just singing masquerade Paper faces on parade and they're like, oh, someone's doing a phantom review and they all come out and they just see a course Like they'll be like so many songs. It's ridiculous. Also R.I.P. Stephen Sondheim Sondheim. Yes, Sondheim But I didn't put up my theater. I should have put up my theater kid Like picture because you know how very soon as somebody famous is dies soon as somebody famous dies Everybody has to like, you know make it about them like a little how they are a part of this person's life

But I Won a superior and thespian competition singing an acapella version of it takes a lot of men to make a gun hundreds Many men to make a gun To make a gun Yes from assassins the musical about assassins. I fucking love Well, according to the minds to take for iron and the mills for steel Men and machines to make the barrels more the trickers shake the wheels. It takes a lot of men to make a gun

Well, it's a very good rendition Assassins my older brother was that in that play in college. Well speaking of guns It also takes a lot of work to shoot yourself in the pussy November 24th. This is very recently a webcam model. She actually shot her vagina with a nine mill I mean, it's not funny, but it is but she shot her vagina with a nine millimeter handgun We'll record in a video and I just have to ask you Henry Is because you know, we talk about the fetishization of gun guns or there is a utility if you need to protect your family short But do you think the gun church said move that the gun church removed to texas?

Do you know that they are of course they have been messaging that they are going to be doing a big group suicide So they are that are they really get starting to like co ls and to something very dangerous Which is what we imagined as soon as they got their own compound But yeah, they're already talking about like n times like that shit's gonna go off the rails in some way shape or form Within a year or so. Oh, that's what I get my guess Anyway, so this woman She was whole she was in Georgia. She was doing a webcam And I don't know. I guess it was kind of nudie-tudie. Um, was just you know, good for her

Um, and then she was I guess Well, I don't know what she was doing with the firearm, but but somehow it discharged and it shot off her pussy Um, according to what I keep well, I've been trying to look up is how bad The pussy wound was but first it said like it sounded like oh, she's when you first read the headline You're like, oh, she stuck a gun up her vagina And then I thought she got shot in the pussy like it went up inside of her But it seems like she just grazed her leg While she was she must have been fondling it

She she told her boyfriend or was it husband that she was doing videos online for people that were paying her on a thing Called chatty which we now know. I think yeah, it was short for chatterbait, right? But she called it chatty and I think that she might have been like Rubbing her clit with it like some kind of thing. Maybe she dropped it She could have dropped it and then it went off But the great this is the thing that cruise me up is that the grandma was in the the living room with her daughter While she was in the other room masturbating with a gun and then the husband also didn't know what was going on until they heard the gunshot

And then they went in there and then apparently she came out all upset because her pussy was bleeding But it didn't seem like it was that like big of an injury No, the the man's name is uh, Jordan allen and yeah, he says that she came out with a small amount of blood in her leg Allen advised that she uh started saying that she was sorry He advised that she told him that she shot herself Accidentally, I wouldn't you know the first thing I wouldn't be is like you apologize for shooting yourself I would be like, okay. You're wasting bullets. Yeah Um, the shooting which police classified as reckless conduct is unlikely to result in any criminal charges

I would hope not because she it's like when plaxical burris, uh the former New york giant shot himself in the leg. He still got time in prison. I'm like the dude shot himself in the leg Isn't that punishment enough? It was just him Yeah, apparently, uh So the so the the thing that she would do is take tips from viewers Obviously tips is in money and then they would uh, and then they would request certain sex acts Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, like it's like a many videos or a custom video Like she was just doing some kind of custom video

Which is like it doesn't just take a redneck to want to see a gun slowly touch your pussy that I actually think is weirdly universal Okay, that's very possible. You're right. Perhaps I was being redneckist. Uh, maybe No, in the only way shape or form, but I mean, but yeah guess, like obviously It was some kind of fucking redneck who did this shit Right, like there was a little way I wasn't But I didn't say that you have to you have to be open to the possibilities The wires that get crossed when it's like, yeah, you got a gun. Why don't you touch your touch your pussy with the gun?

It's like, I don't know what is happening here Is the unless the gun is committing a home invasion and on your on your body somehow I don't know. Well, you you're a single man. You understand like this type of things It does come up every once in a while We're like you'll meet somebody and they seem normal or whatever And then like let's say you're in the middle like once you're hard and you're in the scenario and you're doing all this kind of Stuff being like you'll say anything. You're like, yeah, rub the gun if you pull out a gun, right? Like while you're doing you're like, yeah, rub your gun in your fucking pussy. We're gonna work it in. Yeah

You have to figure it out because also what if she then just Takes you hostage So you have to keep the game going give the keep the game going She could have brought out the gun or been like look see what I got do what I do and the guy's like Yeah, I want to rub her pussy with it and even think about it and she's like, all right Okay, and she could already been covered. I'm building up the story. She could already been covered in lube Maybe and then slippy do Oh

Drops the gun shoots you in the pussy Right because the pussy's out Yeah, well, there's I mean, there's a whole series of different possibilities there And we're just happy that no one else was injured. We never know what mom's doing in the bedroom No, it was a different it's a different time to be a kid. It really is really Our moms may be watching a soap. Maybe uh, just kind of regretting their lives in there We're sure he's crying. My mom and I think most of the time was just cried. Yeah, but now I mean or they could have been on chatter to me. So technically we can't we're not gonna complain. I'm not complaining

I'm not complaining. I don't I'm so glad I don't have to run into that But also for you moms that are out there jerking off for the rest of us. Thank you. Thank you for your service This is another story about who's the victim here. What's happening? And also how small town Like meddling can fuck with people's lives in a way that's also really strange Dude, that's why I had to get out of the small town the small town gossip that's of course been brought to our doorstep with twitter And uh, facebook and everything else. It's a waking nightmare, but my god a small town, dude I mean you think about roger your life. They want to run every movement you have because they know you think you a baby

Am I not wrong when I talk about roger the catfucker every time coming from steven's point is in the crowd They say we know roger the catfucker. It's a small town legend. It's all real and that's me mom roger's like roger's sitting there me like you may not tell me you spend your whole life Going and having sex with maybe a dozen cats. I know I'm roger the catfucker. Yeah I've only done it that there may be 14 15 times. Maybe maybe 20 21 times I know I'm the catfucker small town drama oftentimes mixed mixed with animals It is uh, but now talking about mixed with animals this this story now This woman looks sweet margaret porter. I don't know how I feel about this woman because you think this is cute

But I think that this is nefarious grandmother issued with restraining order to stop feeding carrots to quote-unquote sad horse, right Now you say this and you see you hear this story and you think like Oh, this is crazy what's going on, but it really is about Her determination to feed this horse that I don't really understand. So this woman This is in uk. Obviously. This is very much a uk story. So the margaret porter 67 years fun She saw this this horse nelson the horse She was passing by on this farm right and she kept like doing this idea because this is such a like a my mom move

Where she's like that horse looks too skinny She was like nobody cares for this horse. Nobody cares for this horse. She she pulled over started feeding this course course carrots Okay, so so far I say okay good for her. She didn't know Okay, kind of cute cute, but it kept happening right and eventually the person who owned the horse Kept coming out the side and looking at this like seeing carrots everywhere This horse was apparently being fed a very specific diet. It was an x racing horse And this family was taking care of it on this farm after they purchased it This margaret porter woman keeps coming out and saying like oh, she kept passing by the horse and saying how sad looking at

Well, how sad it was. Yeah, finally the people that owned the horse came out and said like please stop doing this Stop feeding this horse like why are you feeding my horse? Do you realize what you're doing? Like honestly you could poison my horse so you could give it colic and you could make it ill And the woman said you can go ahead and call the fucking police. I'm feeding this horse Right, so you're like, whoa, okay. We've now taken this up a notch You said on your own volition called the cops I'm not stopping feeding this horse when like all we had to do was make a gentleman's agreement like

You can fucking look at this horse. You could think it's skinny or not But it's not like technically what you think a dog is supposed to look like healthy Like, you know dogs are supposed to be skinny dogs can be at weight Or they could be slightly above weight which is technically bad for but to you in your mind if you think food is love Oh, you want the horse to be a little bit chubby because in your mind, that's a well-loved horse She's just unattracted to these skinny ass horses. She likes them a little bit more thick But we know for a fact the horse is actually being taken care of because the rspca Which they keep coming out and they're saying they had the course is fine

So now they have to fucking get the police involved to say like hey, they had to put a restraining order Which is the first ever restraining order ever granted of such a thing where a woman has to keep a certain amount of meters away From a horse. Yes, indeed other than that movie Yes, but you know the interesting thing about mrs. Porter and this is where she is a little bit nefarious And of course it is kind of cute, but then also immensely aggravated because it's like coming Stop. Stop coming. Please This isn't the first time she's been in trouble for food related incident Yes, in 2005 she was convicted of assaulting her very own brother

with three sticks of rhubarb unbelievable Nothing no no food is safe around this woman. She is gonna she will buy if she she'll kill you with a chickpea But isn't weird to say that this amount of violence over carrots and rhubarb Speaks to somebody who might like hit you with their car. No, she could very well curse you thinner Like I could see There's a lot going on with this woman. Well because she hurt her brother enough With rhubarb that he called the cops. It got stuck in his eye

This is what I'm saying like this is a lot of like if you have to get the police involved with vegetable crimes Like it's getting serious. We need to ask this woman like what is this and what do you remember the rhubarb woman? That youtube video that viral video the rhubarb woman. Mmm. Sure. Yes. Oh, no. Do you kissle? Look, no, you don't I see the lack of recognition in your eyes. Yes. Yes, but it's nice Is that because you don't remember it you about to have a delightful Like three minutes after this rhubarb woman look up rhubarb woman You're going to like it but she because I showed it on the stream a million years ago, but this like it's just She might escalate

Dude, she's gonna kill somebody because she's out of her cottage door out of her cottage window She lost her temper. No, she really is this is the beginning of like the worst Horror movie of all time. It reminds me of that movie wolf creek Um, but instead of like that man being super scary Uh, it'll be this woman. Oh, yes, of course for stealing the rhubarb Yes, she stole the rhubarb. She the original woman would go with anything and she'd be like, fuck you You gotta watch this on your own time Yes, indeed original crazy lady stealing rhubarb. You never know. I didn't realize there was so much drama around the rhubarb

But shouldn't be I feel like rhubarb is a tart Offering and it's a nice not too sweet version of a pie Which I honestly like because I'm not into super sweet desserts. Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'm fine with them All right, and just lastly as far as crime stories go husbands never trust your wife Jennifer no Jennifer faith Uh, she created a fake email account and she was talking to her boyfriend And what she wanted her boyfriend to do was think that her husband was abusing her In order to get the boyfriend so upset because you know how men are like, oh you mess with my gal

Even though he's the boyfriend and she's married and technically the husband should be more mad at him For having sex with his wife, you know this shit's like fuck This is one of those stories where she went so far to kill this goateed man And there is no reason like like yeah, maybe he didn't eat pussy or maybe He's got the goatee that says he does I don't know. I don't know if sometimes It's more like he can go either way you more pay to watch somebody elsey pussy when you have a goatee But it's which is fine, but I don't think this man needed a bit shot No seven times

He was shot three times in the chest three times in the head and then he shot him in the dick To end right and in one of those scenarios where he pretended to be a mugger The boyfriend pretended to be a mugger and jumped on them while they were walking down the street And then he fucking shot Selena'd this dude Well, this was it and let's not forget the time here. This is 7 30 in the morning Jennifer and jenny faith early They were way early. They were walking their bernie's mountain dog Maggie And while they should never have killed this this man in front of the dog, but whatever Yeah, dogs would be traumatized

So the dude jumps out as henry said and it's almost comical if it wasn't so sad He's got a hoodie on he's got baggy jeans. He's like, this is how robbers dress He looks like he's about to go to a icp concert not the juggalos or criminals innately He also so he shot this dude dude seven freaking times just to make sure as Henry said seven times and then he Attempted to take Jennifer's jewelry and then kind of duct taped her hands And then he jumped back in the car and left and then what happened here is so fucking disgusting All of a sudden everyone. This is an oak cliff. I believe taxes everyone in the community is like, oh my god I can't believe this happened. They dead. They had clothing drives for her. They delivered her food every single day for months

Yeah, she got $60,000 in a go fund me The ladies club again got got a meal train going providing two meals a day for several weeks Including a vegan Thanksgiving, which you can't be a vegan and a murderer. Can you? Yes, and then a few months. Yes, you can you definitely can A few months later, uh, Jennifer went on tv news to thank everyone and to plead with authorities to capture the person Who was uh the backbone of my family to capture the person who killed the backbone of my family Well, I just don't understand it was her and her boyfriend Darren Lopez Darren Lopez was like it is so weird because

Well, apparently they weren't even fucking they were having an emotional affair Yes, and you know what? I also I part I do partially blame all of this on fucking facebook Something happens after the age of 45 on facebook where you guys all start fucking all the people you met in high school I don't know what the hell happens on that thing. You guys just all start like Like refiring all these old of these old like 25 year old relationships and this guy because I this is that this guy was I'm not gonna say that Lopez was dumb But I'm gonna go on limb and say he was gullible because he said that like she sent him fake emails

Like from her own husband And there's one bragging about how so he said an email to him as her own husband bragging about Abusing her and about how like he likes to fucking kick her around you can do you got hand You don't even know what I do Meanwhile, this guy's like you don't talk that kind of mess Dejennepah You don't do that dejennepah and then meanwhile like it's like who would do this It's horrible. So as Henry said Jamie again air quotes Jamie because it was all this woman making this stuff up jennifer faith

bragged about inflicting emotional and sexual abuse and then the quote was good stuff enjoying knowing you can't fucking do anything about it And apparently the photo then she sent a photo to this guy to further convince him But apparently that photo was taken after a 2012 accident. So she was all bruised up. So this guy, you know, uh, I do have Man, he's just a moron. He's just a freaking moron. Yeah, and it's in anyway, and it's unfortunate And it's unfortunate. We wouldn't we have a long talk about how we have to really We have to feel for morons sometimes because morons don't know sometimes. They're very stupid He is a I'm not gonna say that he's innocent in any way she performed sometimes being stupid is what makes you the most guilty

but Darren Lopez Was he had blinders on and I think that what he really needed to do was sit and think about is this woman Um, there's a lid for every pot, right? Sure. But is this woman Look at her. Is this the woman? That you're gonna go to jail for like she might be you remember something back in the day I just don't think it is worth it for one Last chance at your high school girlfriend. I mean, I don't know So Lopez is pleaded not guilty to the gun charge after authorities found the alleged murder weapon in his house

He's expected to enter a plea on the murder charge soon Jennifer has yet to plead on the murder for higher charges. She potentially faces life in prison or the death penalty Um, it's just sad when you see oh my goodness. She's a Wisconsin native and a Green Bay Packer fanatic Jamie no, I'm sorry. No, that's Jamie. That's the victim the victim is a Green Bay Packer fanatic So that's that's even more demeaning to Jennifer. She took a pack fan out of the out of the field out of the playing game Which is not good Now he's just up there with dick butler and And and walter migorsky and the other

Yeah, the great hall of fame of packers that meet you when you die They apparently the faiths love to entertain. They lived in the biggest house on waverly drive man, this is just talk about someone who doesn't want to be seen as like You know the puritanical view of divorce and they're like I could never get a divorce Meanwhile, she's setting up a murder for hire Just can I just say this again? Just divorce him. Just get divorced. I know that like I know You hate him. You hate his dick. You hate his breath. You hate every single thing about him But do the thing when it comes out to go for the wallet

Take the money. Why don't take anything be responsible But I'm just saying take the money if you're trying to get revenge on somebody The money is so much better than you go in a jail for it. You don't want to go to jail Like yeah, you might be a piece of shit. Maybe try couples therapy I guess so. Yeah, I do one round at couples therapy because it's nice. They have a ref in there Who can like be there when you say the things that you need to say that kind of shit All right, well don't kill him Because then you get in trouble marriage advice from a divorce advice rather

From Henry's just get just like why are we so afraid to get divorced? Everybody's divorced. It's a waking night. Juliana Jolie's divorced, but I mean like it's different though. Yeah, it is a nightmare Yeah, it sounds awful. We have all of our friends who talk about we have one friends It went through his fucking three-year divorce like people go through horrible horrible divorces, but at the same time it's not life in prison No, it's not All right. Well, let's do hero of the week There we go. You sound like you were really thinking about it. You were thinking about it for a second

Is it worth it to murder? You know, no, I just feel like I don't know. I don't know There's a lot of people who get a lot of money and stuff and I say, wait, you can't we just go Can we just go our separate ways? It's hard because then you have to set that up beforehand It's called a prenup and they have to deal with the whole thing of like I don't think you're gonna leave me and take everything But this isn't sure and then you get to deal with that fall

Well, email side story is actually on the prenup because I always thought that would be kind of a tricky Conversation to have but it is. All right. Well, let's do hero of the week I was going to do Australians These Australian firefighters who posed with animals for to help out an animal rescue For a calendar. They're real hunks, but you know instead. I'm going to do 61 people They're all heroes to me They were stranded inside of an ink of a British pub with an oasis cover band For three days because of a blizzard. Now, you might think this is going to be horrible

But it turns out everyone had a great time Dozens of people and an oasis cover band. They made the most most of the bad weather. They were stuck inside for three for three days They're located in Yorkshire Dales Yorkshire Dales about 270 miles north of London There were 61 people in there and apparently they never ran out of beer. Oh, what a miracle And everyone was in really good spirits and they formed a lot of friendships And now they're like one big family And um, they're like super close now forever and ever and ever because they have three days together in a pub Isn't that nice? So good for them. I bet you they first show up that pub thing

And today was going to be the day that they were going to throw it back to you But now you should have somehow realized what you got to do is you got to sit there And you got to hang out with this oasis cover band for the next couple days and watch them fight But you know what if I'm gonna like wonder well, uh, I could listen to an oasis cover man You're there for three freaking days. They also have to know some other music. They don't have a lot of songs Honestly, they don't have a lot of songs. They don't but I'm sure they know like chumba wamba or something like that Do you know the name? Do you want to know the name of the oasis cover band? Yes. No oasis cute

And uh, there you go. So no oasis No oasis wrote on instagram. Oh, it's a lovely war. We're still stranded at the tan tan hill in Hope it rains soon. Yeah, they're just getting fucking hammered dog. They're just absolutely hammered. So anyway, it could have ended Um, it could have been a mass murder. Yeah mass murder. It could have been like that fantastic film I'm just thinking of tom saviney right now where it's like two different movies direct to my You see the picture of tom saviney celebrating a 75th birthday, man. He's you know I like when old men Showed that they have better bodies than me and he's thirst trapping on twitter, which is fantastic

He's got a good body for 75 years young for 25. He's got a good body. So he's He's doing good Was uh, not was not thrilled when I ran up to him and gave him a hug, but that's okay I wouldn't be thrilled either. He at least he did acknowledge you which is really nice. He did Um, all right. I got a couple of letters here A lot of people reaching out about pig cum and how we could get it And so great because that was the thing that we were talking about before the little break there Um, and there's one that was well, are you gonna tell us details? How do we get it? Of course now

When I was in college one of my roommates was majoring in our school's agricultural program One summer he got a paid internship doing biology and agricultural stuff related to his major and we didn't see him too often during the week So when he was home, we would just stay in his room by himself So every time the weekend would roll around we'd ask him if he wanted to go out to a show or grab beers for happy hour Or an inevitably he'd look at us like he was dead on the inside and say No, I've got stuff to do here And after a few weeks of this we began to seriously worry about him It was a total of a was a total 180 from the guy. We were used to huh

So one friday one friday night. I asked him if he wanted to grab happy hour beers and receive the usual answer a dejected and forlorn No, so I asked him if he was doing okay. And now all of his friends. We missed him Yeah, and he replied I want to go out But I just can't spend any money My job at the university is in the ag building. I spend eight hours a day collecting pig semen And anytime I think about going or buying anything I convert the price into the amount of pigs I'd have to jerk off to afford it So a round of drinks is roughly me jerking off two pigs. Oh come on. So apparently listen to this

Listen to this apparently they have a wooden table like mount with a pig shaped pocket pussy Oh my god for lack of better word and he had to manually stimulate the pig until it got hard And then have the bore mount the fuck toy and guided dick into place The pig would do its thing and then he'd have to collect I don't know but then you have to collect the comfort storage And then he said that's how he found out that not only pigs Pigs have corks through tails, but also corks screw dicks when they are plastic. Oh my god. That is so fucking gross Isn't that fucking We didn't need beer in college compared to this guy. This is the one guy who should just be at the bar

Immediately a clock out of school go right to the bar. He couldn't unplug come too much He couldn't unplug man. He really wanted to dude poor guy poor guy one around two Two shots of pig cum Here I got this the one interesting story that's about the the idea of did mary fuck I have a minor in religious studies So I wanted to quickly explain the line of thought behind if the mary virgin mary stayed a virgin There are three schools of thought

One is the hard catholic line that she was a virgin for her entire life That's why she was able to ascend to heaven rather than go through the hassle of needing to die Second is the catholic light line that she was a virgin for jesus But then she got the dick after he was born sure people quote that pot the passage you mentioned about jesus having brothers here Though the hard catholic line is that those were just the apostles sure whatever And lastly he was the everything and allegory line These are sane irrational humans who don't believe mary was ever a virgin Some people say that the virgin are quote-unquote made in there are just to denote age rather than purity

Some say it's some some say that it just makes a better story So okay, there you go That's very uh, the bible had some very strict editors as well And they want a good story if they're gonna sell this thing for all time Well, especially around four centuries after jesus died, and then they reorganized all of the various books that was going to go in and Uh censored it and restructured it and made it to whatever it is Almost as if like it is a completely made up document that is a fictional story Oh, all right. That's your opinion

Right It is it is yes, indeed Um, here we go. This is a fun story. There's a good ghost story that we'll end with Oh My family moved into a new house on the other side of my hometown a little over 15 years ago And it took very little time for us to realize the house was haunted. Oh cool. I love a good haunted house It started with the small things that are easy to write off mostly shadows moving in the corners of your eyes Which given which we've always had cats over the years

And so that's be expected until we started seeing distinctly persian shaped shadows working in the doorways There came instances of items being moved and I don't know I don't mean just being slightly nudged or thinking a glass wasn't quite in the same position as you left it I mean when I was 13 I was up late one night on my laptop and a bottle of lotion was not clean across the room masturbating Could be a masturbating ghost. Oh my god. I was scared and I ran upstairs and I slept on the couch that night We've also had weird issues with radios and phones

My mother's radio randomly turned itself on and off and also has been known to suddenly turn the volume up to maximum For about 20 seconds and it turned itself back down again You can't get a decent phone signal anywhere in the house and even now when I call my parents I often have to call them back two or three times due to the connection dropping and the absolute cherry on the cake However, which we say cherry on the sundae However was one night. I'd going downstairs. I'd going downstairs after my parents went to bed to get a drink and a snack I made myself a sandwich Turn away to get my drink and when I looked back there was a bite

Gone out of the sandwich I saw there racking my brain trying to convince myself I had taken a bite even though I had known I hadn't and the size of the bite was far too small for my mouth All right And then I became aware that there was something on the stairs At first I thought it was just one of my cats as they usually like to sit halfway up the stairs and watch us in the kitchen So they could beg for some food. I looked over a little freaked out more than ready for some fluffy cat cuddles Only to see a little girl sitting there instead

Oh, I'm not good with ages at the best of times, but I'd say that she was about eight years old Oh my she had long dark hair and is wearing what looked like an old-fashioned nightgown I stared and disbelieving horror for a few moments until she vanished That was the only time I ever actually saw the ghost that haunts my parents house And after that night the ghostly activity slowly started to ease up Although issues like the phone lines persisted and even now Occasionally an item that is definitely not on the verge of falling comes tumbling off a shelf And I was a teenage girl during the height of these events and after hearing these poltergeist stories

I've always wondered if our ghost was something similar although apart from being freaked out a few times I never felt any real danger from her. Keep on getting keep the sandwiches coming. I guess maybe she's coming man She's got to eat food dog. I guess do you see it? I don't I wonder what happens when a ghost eats a sandwich If you see it or if once the ghost eats it, then it's gone. I don't know Um, all right. These are for the ages. Kissal these questions Are these symptoms? I mean my birds ghost. We have a lot. Come on guys Um, we have a documentary that kissal and I apparently are a large part of it's on to be it's called fresh meats You should check it out. It's about Jeffrey Dahmer fresh cannibalism in general

So I did I was surprised to be honest with the title. I didn't know they were going to call it fresh meat Was also because I wasn't allowed to do any every time I did a character or anything They were like, please will you just keep some of the humor to a minimum? And I was like, why am I here? Why did you ask me here? But honestly, but otherwise they were awesome And they're super sweet, of course We got to flex our knowledge muscles, but little light on the comedy more so little light on the comedy Um, but yes that and then check out we do uh, we're we blab about all the monsters you love on shudder as well Um, so check that out and thanks so much for supporting us behind the monsters man. It's be sweet

Um, let's make sure you love every day knowing for a fact you to get in spatch cocked by a fucking short polish man Right because then you can laugh knowing that you're whole and you need your spine to get around because you're a goddamn man Or a woman and you need to get out there every day and you've got to go to fucking work You got to get out there. You got to hustle to make that Bustle you got to grind it out, dude Wake and grind rise and grind every day until you're dead And then you just gonna love love laugh You're gonna have to live knowing for a fact that we now we're all gonna work every day until the day we fucking die

And we just really we can't escape it and we just have to keep working and you can write a little retirement I don't think that exists. My parents retired. We're gonna live to 130 years old. We're gonna need a fifth job We need a fifth career. Well, that's kind of ended it. They're a little strange, but nonetheless Thank you all so much for or quit your job, man. Quit your job. Make your own shit Honestly, that would be cool as fuck right now people a drop in left and right like fuck this shit Oh my goodness. You never know. You never know You never know when your time when your number is gonna be gold But anyway, thank you all so much for supporting us and thanks for sending the screenshots being like hey random ban random

Henry that stuff is really nice because uh, we're not so far up our own asses So I have no idea what I do. I don't know until people tell me like you did that. It'll be like, oh, that's right Oh, cool. Thank you. Yeah, okay. No, it helps us honestly So thank you all so much for the nice responses and okay everyone. Thanks for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan Mugu's donations. See you this week fuckers. Getaway, Portland and Eugene I can't wait. Eugene is gonna be fun. I can't wait This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network dot com