Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Constipated Lizard

Episode Date: May 14, 2020

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a wine country caper, objectum sexuality, a man buries his mom alive, a lizard with a record-breaking poop, and MORE.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last stop on the left. Side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. I swallowed his kids. I swallowed his kids. I swallowed his kids. Now they down in my stomach. I swallowed his kids. This is the song. Someone sent it to the side stories. Oh, that's a real song. Yes. It is from the album. Let me just double check. I don't want to mismerch this woman. I want to make sure I have this. Because there's a lot of creativity here. Definitely. A lot of energy here. Oh my goodness. I get it. This is a euphemism for swallowing cum.

What? Whoa. It's by Princess Vitara. The album is called Coming to America. It's not spelled normal coming. It's spelled the jizz style of coming. Oh my. Honestly, it's got great titles. I do love the titles. There's one called Why Are You Running, which is, honestly, I'm asking the same thing, especially if you love to run in with the fucking masks on. You're like, oh, you want to fucking accelerate your fucking mouth breath through your nose holes. I think there's one called... She wasn't done draining them yet. They can't run away. No. Nope. They've got a stepped on some weed. Swallow his kids. I swallow his kids. That's the third track coming out there. There's one called I Own Three Goats.

Wow. One called My Rent Cost 5 Grand. Well, no. So that's just putting that out there. Just putting that out there. She must be on one of the coast. It's very expensive to live out here. And they got a song just called Do You Eat Ass? All right. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry. Now, the question that I have when it comes to the song titles, does she ever answer these questions? Let me ask. Let me ask myself that question by listening to the song real quick. Now, this is the song. Now, this is thank you to Spotify.

We want to say thank you to Spotify for all of the support that they give us. And I think we're going to be able to play some of this song because of this. Because of our relationship. I would hope so. We get very little, but this could be one of the perks of, you know, our small amount of success. Here we go. All right. Let me listen to this song called, oh yeah. She got another big song called I Want 20, I Want 20 Inch Dick. Oh, wow. And the other big one's called Nigerian Pussy.

Now, let me see what this song here says. Wow. Okay. What are you interested in? Kind of slow. Yeah. Kind of cool. Do you eat this ass? Will you eat this ass?

Jumps into it, huh? And then any answer. Vitara. Her name is Vitara. I mean, she's got a great looking ass. All right. Well, indeed, I'm sure a lot of people would love to take part in that. I hope everyone is doing well out there enjoying. You know, we're getting some fine temperatures out here in the Pacific Northwest. This is how you shake.

This is what you're doing. You're going to meteorology corner when I want to talk about the fact that Princess Vitara has like, she is requesting someone to eat her ass. And mostly the song seems to be a rumination. Uh-huh. Upon the ideas of my ass is edible. Sure. No one currently is up inside of it. Not yet.

Three, are you the person with the gumption, nay, grit, determination enough to give her the things that she requires in order to get to eating her butthole? Well, if it takes grit to eat someone's butt, I would highly recommend they just take a shower. It shouldn't be that difficult. You should not have to have an eye patch on like you're John Wayne in the western. You should never have to, I don't even know, have a cold beer after you do it to forget the memory. Just wash before, just get in there. I don't think it's insulting to ask to give it, just give it a little sweep, give it a little dough, give it a bit of a sponge. Because in the end, I think you should be protecting your eyeballs because that's how you get pink eye.

That is very true. A lot of pink eye caused from the butt. All right. It seems to be. Well, it seems to be. It does seem to be. Speaking of buttholes, let's talk about Israel Keys. Yes, I'd love to because what a piece of fucking shit.

I'm glad he's dead. Now there's new evidence. But there's new stuff coming out. This is the interesting thing. Obviously Israel Keys is a murderer. What did he kill? Eleven people? Well, no, we only have the one he confessed to.

He only confessed to a couple, like that one couple. Like he is not, he purposely kept his information close to the vest because he wanted to play games with the police officers. I don't remember him being like, I fucking even dare you to get to the center of my devious mind. Yes, of course. He was the one with the murder kits around things like that. Ultra cash. Ultra cash. Ultra ultra douche.

Well, I actually think it's sad though that he committed suicide. I would have liked to see this person have to stay alive for a longer time just to just to suffer in the mind of Israel Keys. But apparently he he had to succumb to his own annoyance. I would, I love that. I loved it. I wish I could have seen Israel Keys go prison bald. Oh, yeah. I think that people in prison go bald different, like they age different.

They age harder. So a lot of times I would love to have seen him become like either super, super fat or very, very spindly. These are the only two criminals that exist. Well, then the super jacked. You can also get super jacked as we know. But serial killers don't seem to do that. I don't know why they don't go the super jacked up from what I know because Dennis Raider is normal. Yeah.

Samu Burkowitz. I mean, David Burkowitz technically went, I think he's softer. He got fat. He got softer. He turned, he turned to Christ. He turned his life around and he turned to muffins and he is weak. He's weak. He's a little bit weak.

The only one that really made a massive physical transition was the fellow Richard Speck who got the big hoo-haas. Well, he did that. That was just, I'm going to just say that I'm going to call it an addition. Yes. He definitely was an add-on to use the parlance of outer worlds. The RPG was he modified his chest to, I guess, to a plus five grab ability and come ability. Yeah. Well, I've been watching a lot of, for some reason I've stumbled upon this television show that's all about cabins in Maine. Oh, I love Maine.

It's called, like, Maine Lodge Master or, like, Maine Lodge Commandant where it's just people putting logs together. Just so. It's like, there's so keep me good and far away from my neighbors. Yep. Well, that's the biggest complaint. If they're out there and they're going to buy a log cabin, log cabin living, great show, and you even come close to seeing a neighbor. What the hell am I doing out here? Absolutely.

Why did I build this fucking shit out of Abraham Lincoln fucking bricks? All right, I got this type of day. And then every once in a while, a guy comes by your house, especially if you mean to go, you know, want to go up now, up now, sometimes. That is about all. I just, that's the only thing I know about Maine. That's exactly what happens. My favorite thing, and we can get back to Israel Keys because we have some art to talk about, but my favorite critique of anyone that walks into a house is, oh, yeah, he wanted a little bit more wood. We wanted more wood.

This doesn't have the feel. This doesn't have the feel we wanted more wood. You see, I came from that idea of like, because I remember when I was first, when I, before I got with that, right, like I ended up like I was living a single man's life's health. I'm going to say a can do Ben Kessel where I had a love seat, a TV and a bed. That is the only thing that I own. Well, I have two TVs, so I'm doing better than you know, that's different. This is, it was before we were making money on the show. So this is all I had.

I had a love seat, I had a bed, I had the fucking TV, and I remember going through like, at some point, like, talking to an interior designer about something. I didn't know what I think I would do. I was in a railroad apartment in Brooklyn that was like, I don't even know what an interior designer was going to do. Put a fucking plant in there. But their big thing was that sexual, like, you got to embrace your male sexuality and that's what all of this is about. We need to create like a kind of moody, sensual space for you. And the only thing they do is put wood in there. Not to mention you lived right above a seafood restaurant.

It opened seafood market. It's like, what, it ain't going to work. But that's very sweet though. That's adorable that you got an interior designer for that point. Yeah, but it just stopped. It just stopped. It basically ghosted her because I was like, I got nothing, man. I don't know what to do here.

But according to 48 hours. So the course of 48 hours of that show, if you've seen that show, I love it. It is a world famous show that has been around for 30 years, Henry. People love 48 hours. But the reason why I even come back to it, it's always like a detective who's just like fat and tired. Yep. And that's the only thing that stands between us and chaos is a man with a coffee stain tie who looks like he needs about three hours more of sleep. Isn't that true?

But basically, they did a new investigation to the murders of serial killer Israel Keys. Now this comes from CBS News.com. They have promised to reveal new important details and never made public. Now, when produces Chris O'Connell, Anthony Vendetti, and I entered a meeting room at the Anchorage, Alaska FBI field office, we didn't realize just how unnerving that promise would be. One by one. FBI Special Agents Jolene Godin and Catherine Nelson began placing sheets of paper before us. Each sheet featured a haunted, hand-painted image of a human skull with eyes looking back at us.

The artist Israel Keys. The paint he used? His own blood. Oh my goodness. He made 11 paintings, 11 skull paintings with his own blood like the goth cliche douchebag that he is. Which is why people are now speculating that he didn't kill, that he killed more than previously thought because I guess these are supposed to represent his victims, but in the mind of Israel Keys, it could just be the Pamela Anderson that he used to masturbate to when he watched Maywatch.

And that worked her way in. That worked its way in to be a painting. It is just the most painfully lame thing that the only thing that, I mean, nothing tops his suicide note. Nothing tops his new metal tinge. Super extreme with three X's with Vin Diesel standing behind the three X's. That type of extreme poetry. But he decided to create these three, he created 11 skulls, right? And I guess it was before he committed suicide.

And in the last sheet of paper, he wrote, we are one. And then I guess they're saying, it alludes to 11 possible victims. That he has decided to, just his dumb, curly headed mystique that it's supposed to add to. I'm not going to sit here. Well, I am going to sit here, but I will protest any mocking of Vin Diesel. Yes, a background dancer turned a tough guy. That's what can happen in Hollywood. That's what can happen in Hollywood.

There are no ding-dongs. There are no boobies, but it is triple X because it's a lot of action. And I have been watching a little bit of action films in the background as I stare at my dogs and they're kind of fun. Did you see bloodshot yet? No, I have not seen that. Although when I look in the mirror after a long night of drinking tequila alone, which I've got a curb, I see it in my eyes. I was thinking about, I wanted to watch it, but Natalie says, I mean, my thing is I have to secure sex first. And then I can watch bloodshot because Vin Diesel doesn't seem to do it for Nat.

I think it's got something to do with his shoulders to neck to head ratio. This is a statement. Maybe it'll be controversial. I don't know. Mel Gibson will always do it. No, Nat is not sexually attracted to Mel Gibson. But if you ask my mother, my mother still should be like, I just don't understand how they have a shot out the most sensational, leading man that's ever been. And I was like, oh, it's mom's because he had a bunch of anti-semitic shit and he called a cop sugar tits.

And she's just like, you didn't think they didn't try to rape me every day when I worked at Domino's in the 70s? I was like, I know, mom. I know things are different in the 60s and 70s. It sounds like it. Well, we all love freedom. Israel Keys obviously lost his freedom because he was so horrible at handling it. This is what he had to say once he started killing people randomly. He told an investigator, once I started, you know, there was nothing else like it.

So there you go. That's Israel Keys. He's a little artist. If you get a chance to take a look at these skulls, they suck. That's another problem. They're not even good skulls. It's just on a sheet of paper and you know, I mean, no, I saw him do it and no one stopped him. And he was going, ah, ah, oh man, this is going to be so fucking gnarly.

Everybody's going to see these skulls and be like, holy fucking shit. That guy's the devil. And meanwhile, he's just doing these things. They all look like greys. They look like fucking skulls. They look like alien heads. And then just to be the perfect 13-year-old goth, he puts the upside down cross on all of them. What is this?

Four heads. Like it's a demonic ash Wednesday. That's some fucking tumbler bullshit. That's what this is. This is the scariest part of prison. Your roommate. Like when I think about prison, because I watch a lot of the lockup. I know you do too, Henry.

Yes. Your roommate. That's crapshoot. I mean, I got pretty unlucky in college and that's theoretically where good people go. I had two. I had one really good roommate. That was, he had a Mustang. That was fun as hell.

And freshman year, he had a fucking killer ass car. That was super cool. But yeah, the other one used to come out when he was drunk. And he thought it was a funny thing to come out into the common area, pull down his pants and pee on his feet. You know, I kind of like the second one better than the Mustang guy. Because it is pretty funny. It was a trick that he did. And it didn't make him super popular.

But last time I saw you was married. You know what I mean? That's what happens. Eventually, you know, if you just, someone will eventually go to you. It depends on just how lonely you allow the person you want to be with be. Sometimes you have to go for somebody who's super desperate just to speak with anybody. If your main thing is just to get married. I totally agree.

I was watching Shark Tank because this is the premise of every single one of my sentences now is I was watching. I don't clarify if I had clothes on. Yeah, man. Of course, because we are in the most boring time period on the face of the planet. There's nothing to talk about. We were talking about that. We did a big zoom to meet up this weekend that you missed.

We all were like, oh, I was too depressed to zoom because it's, it's like, it's, it's like masturbating. But sometimes you want to have sex with someone. And I can't look at all my friends and not be able to touch them. It's like, it's like going to the menu board at Mickey D's and not walking out with the McRib. You know what though? I'm not, I'm 60% of masturbating, but you know what? At the same time, 60% of the time it works every time. Okay.

But, but we were talking about it's like, well, what do we do? How do we talk about all the things we're up to? It's mostly it's like, I could sit and talk to you all about this week's episode of last podcast to the left, which Nat has thrilled with. I mean, she gets it already. And then the half the other room are people already working on the show. That's what I'm talking about. Shark Tank, they had a couple of people come in and they were, they were selling a product that would

clean the internet of all of the funny pictures that you had when you were in college, because now you're a grown up big boy and you're applying for your job at Morgan Stanley and they don't want to see the picture of you or your ding-dong out in the middle of the living room. And one of, when one of your friends took a picture of you pissing on your feet. But in our case, we just monetized it. I asked for Travis's when we first hired Travis back in the day. I asked for his most embarrassing photos because I needed to know he could embarrass himself to even work for us. You know what I mean?

Like, I feel that it's important to have that base, see someone at their college level. If you're going to get new employees, see them at their most embarrassing so you can see if you can handle it, or at least know, hey, at least he's a real, this is a real person with a real story. I totally agree. So Israel Keys kind of back in the news because he made some horrible drawings out of his own blood, horrible roommate situation to be in, mostly because the art is so bad. And you know, he put it up on the wall, because when I see you doing it, you have to. I'll see you with that one.

How fucking metal is this shit, huh? Does it make you feel the creep of the graveyard? Does it make you feel the call of the ghoul? Nothing escapes my dark vengeance. It would be a fun roommate. Nothing escapes me. Speaking of college, Henry, this story kind of made me think of all of us, but this dude is not in college. Do you hear the story about the guy who jumped on the wine tanker in California,

opened up the spigot and just started slamming wine out of the truck? This dude is incredible. Got to, dude. Honestly, what do you find that wine wine? That wine just sitting there. You know, you got to get it because in the end, I think that if you steal wine from a bar, right? If you go behind a bar and steal it, I would view that more harshly. But there's something about scurrying up to the top of a wine tanker, like you're a French pirate.

Yes. And you're fucking self-siphoning a bunch of Merlot in there, man. Hey, you actually, that's like hunting for wine. It really is. The dude's name is Gabriel Moreno. Moreno, we have a friend's last name, Moreno as well. Jaday. Gabriel Moreno, he was arrested.

Oh my God. Of course they arrested him. It was in wine country. You're going to call it wine country and not allow all the wine to be free for anyone that's in the said wine country? You think Willy Wonka arrested those kids for stealing all the sugary treats? He let them in there. He let them in there and then he did punish them. Well, he did graphically punish them.

One of the fat boys, I believe he is still dead at this point. Yeah, because they killed Gus's cloup. They stretched the other woman. They did many things to these children and it was kind of flee. Honestly, now that I think about it, Willy Wonka's all about fucking entrapment. It's all about doing that passive aggressive thing where you say like, well, yeah, you know, you just don't track. You bring everybody in your house, but you don't tell them you're not supposed to sit on the fucking furniture. And the whole time you're like, uh, yeah, well, you decided to sit in the chair being like, well, you buy me your living room.

Yeah, it's like any time you go over to your friend's house now during the pandemic where yes, it does seem rude, but we have to understand the reason behind the rudeness. So this guy, he was, it was a Cherokee freight line. I don't know what that means, but I guess it's a good freight. And the truck driver was like, what the hell is going on here? I feel like I'm losing wine. He thought that there was some mechanical problem, stops, takes a look behind and just sees Mr. Moreno with no shirt, no shoes. He's on the side of the tanker and then the video shows him climb underneath the tanker as it's free, as it hits freeway speeds. That's when the driver noticed a dashboard gauge showing he was losing fluids, hundreds of gallons of wine.

Whoa, this is fast and the furious dinner party edition. So this guy wanted that truck line. What a fucking Napa Valley capers, man. But Henry, I figured even when you buy wine in the box, they got a little bag in there. It's not just in the box. I didn't know that you could just go crack open like a keg, like the world's most expensive keg. You could just crack open the back of a semi truck that has a bunch of wine in it and start guzzling it down. You're not supposed to.

But you can. The wine has to go from one place. They don't have, it's not like oil. They don't have pipeline system that goes from Northern California and France, like into our countries. Like, I don't know. I mean, honestly, that'd be kind of fun, but they don't put it to our pipe system. So it can get there directly. So it has to be taken from one place to the next. So it's put in a big tanker and then it's that tanker is then emptied into a bunch of other, I guess it's just some other version.

I don't know anything about wine production. But the arresting officer. So this is according to the arresting officer of Mr. Moreno, who was just thirsty. He says this individual was able to release the wine from under the tanker and he placed himself underneath the tanker in such a manner. The best way to describe this was somebody doing it like snow angels. So he's just stuck to the bottom of this tanker. Just guzzling wine. My God, this seems like something Nordberg would do from naked gun.

He got drunk behind it underneath a damn car, but he didn't even get any wine for it. He just got to murder his ex-wife. Yeah. This is like a highly athletic version of Paul Giamatti from the movie Sideways. It really is. And then the officer concludes with this individual, which I like that he's keeping a classy. This individual got exactly what they were looking for immediately. Sweet, sweet, sweet wine.

Sweet wine. The trucking company says it lost about a thousand gallons of red wine. Most of it ending up on Highway 99. That's about $5,000. That's about 5,000 bottles worth of wine, my friend. So that's not good. Hey, man. This could have been some form of very intense quarantine scavenger, huh?

Sure. They said, I bet you can't drink wine out of a wine truck. And the guy's like, fucking, you've never met a merino. Absolutely you haven't. I mean, people, this to me is so much better than spelunking down underneath a cow, sucking its teeth, trying to get some milk. I mean, this is so much better than that. They both have their pluses and minuses.

One is that, one, yes, you're strapped to the moving tank or underneath a moving, on a highway, going speed limit speeds, right? Sure. Yeah, that's very dangerous. But the other one, you're up to your fucking, you're on your, you're up to your fucking shoulders and cow shit. Yeah. You're like crawling with a bunch of cow shit to get out of the road, fucking get to the

teat. What did Marcus call them? Not the breasts. Marcus called it something else. Well, I'm not sure. They, they, they call like the tube. Yeah, they call it something weird on the farm. It's like the breast.

I don't know what goes on in Modesto, but according to the cop here, he says, he also says, I've listened to thousands and thousands of calls. He says, this one's up there. It's gotta be top 10. But don't you think top 10, that's gotta be. That's really, that's very boring. That's a very boring town because it is just drinking wine out of a truck. Anybody can do it if the truck is parked.

It's more exciting that he was on the go. I think he was on the go and then it went all over the highway. It's a pretty exciting day for, for the old Modesto cops. I think that cops should be thankful. He should be blessing his lucky stars that it's that bored for him. Oh God, that's so nice. He doesn't have to go into all these shootouts. I'd be so scared for him.

Well, what he's got to do is announce his retirement and then from action movie logic, that day will be crazy. Yes. Because that's the way it works. He stops the serial killer. I do want to do a couple of updates as well. Number one, the Halifax examiner coming in hot. Coming in hot with some, a little bit of some more information about the Nova Scotia shooter

that happened on April 19th. The guy in this article, they name him, they just named him as GW. So I'll do the same. He dresses a Mountie, shot 22 people. Horrible. One of the worst mass shootings led to an assault weapon ban in Canada. Oh, they got on that very quickly over there. Yeah.

Very, very fast. May 1st immediately, my birthday. And then what, now, according to the Halifax examiner, they had someone that formerly was a neighbor to GW who went on to describe him. And I don't want to, this is, this is intense. Uh-oh. This is some new material. She went on to describe him as, he was an asshole.

Well, you know, he was an asshole. Apparently he beat his wife quite a bit. He was, he wasn't, there's a lot of people saying that, oh, this guy was kind of a regular dude, it was like, kind of a staple to their little town, which was known, to the little town of Porta Peak. But apparently he beat the shit out of his wife, it was according to this one woman, and he also was a, he threatened them many times. In the most Canadian way, made them move just by driving in front of their house, getting

out of the car and staring at them at their home for up to 30 minutes at a time and then leaving. And eventually said, we got to get out of here. Well, you can go pop him in the nose real quick too. Just be like, what do you want? Why are you out here? Stop staring at me, Michael Myers. Very Canadian, they were afraid inside of their homes.

They just moved, huh? Well, I guess the guy was very dangerous. He would show them their weapons and apparently they tried several times to call the mountains on him for some of his illegal weapons and no one really ever followed up because they basically said he's a good guy. You know, I always feel good when we hear stories about these serial killers, in this case, a horrible mass shooter in GW, named GW, I guess those are his initials. I'm happy that he was an asshole because I hate when you hear, oh, just a nice, normal

person. I don't even know what that means anymore. They never are. And I'm beginning to think that people might just not be able to gauge what normal means. Like normal is not just like, we never said a word. He just mowed his lawn three times a week. He took his garbage out like everyone else never said hello, never said anything. It's like that doesn't mean he's normal.

I just feel like we don't understand what normal is. I assume you're doing crimes. Okay. Right. My base paranoid level is I assume all people are guilty until proven innocent. Well, that's totally, that's totally flipped around. Yeah. But I do that mostly.

I'm not going to not blame the content that we've covered for the last 10 years. Yeah. But I'm me. So that's why my, my end, I'm like, I'm not surprised by anybody's actions, something like this because I just assume everybody has a mirror world inside of their own brain that we don't have access to. Absolutely. How well you know somebody.

You can know them for decades. You could be married to them. You could be, you could have given birth to them. You never really true the inner machinations of someone's consciousness. And a lot of times there's fucking wiggity-woo things in there and they can bubble up to the surface at any point, especially during choke point stress moments, like the beginning of a quarantine. And that is why the question is, would you ever want to know what's on the minds of people?

No. No. I don't want to know what they're thinking. I can't take all of the insults. I don't like the insults that they express to me. We're already getting them on the internet, already like up to our eyeballs in the collective unconscious of all fucking humankind and everybody says whatever thought that they have anyway. And we are already subject to it.

So I've had enough of people's thoughts. Yeah. I guess that's a good point. You realize we sort of did get that. We did get that superpower, didn't we? We can see into the minds of the many, turns out not a lot of people need to have their minds explored too much. But that's things also the other way around.

People then believe, I actually, it almost creates another sense of kind of complacency about the human mind that actually, maybe what I'm saying is actually indicative of a problem where I assume now that I've seen so many things that maybe it would make me like less curious to get to know someone. It would definitely put up a bit of a wall. If I would, if I meet someone and I know them only through social media before. But I have social media friends, I have social media from people I met through social media then became my friends.

That does happen. Of course it does. Another update. I actually got some really good information about funeral homes after we talked about the massive pile up of bodies that are happening in New York. I didn't realize this was going to hit a nerve with some people. Well, it's because it's a fairly misunderstood business and I feel like that there's often, I think that there are people that are flawed within the funeral home business and I think

that there are people that take advantage of it. I mean, I think that we know who knows, but if you look up, I forgot that we spoke with Caitlin Dodie several years ago who wrote a book called Smoke Gets in Your Eyes from here to eternity. She is a funeral homeowner and a mortician and runs a YouTube page called Ask a Mortician which is the user order of the good death. And there's a really good explanation for these types of backups of bodies and obviously we are in a very high point for bodies, especially in New York City.

It's a body boom. It's a body boom. I am not going to, I am going to still say it sucks. The situation sucks and who knows how it can be remedied, but Ask a Mortician has some really good information on the subject that I was not fully privy to and now that I know I find it to be interesting because it's state by state. Certain people get paid for bodies by the state and some don't. Sometimes they have to hunt that cash down.

So seeing someone hoarding bodies for money is actually probably not true because a lot of times you have to go after the families for the money and then you're putting yourself in a situation where if you have a body that's been sitting there, if you obviously don't have the cash to already do some fancy outside funeral from what you're doing right now because right now they're just trying to cremate bodies as fast as humanly possible. And they're trying to cancel all services, all mortician services, all funeral home services, which is really, really tough. It's making all these bodies build up because you have a right to say, hey, I want a funeral,

which means like, you know, I want to be able to have these final goodbye to my family member, which means your family member is going to have to sit on ice, which requires, like, but it requires infrastructure. And if you don't want to have the infrastructure, it's all mess. Well, that's the strangest thing about my deli now. They've actually just started putting the corpses in the refrigerator section right near the Bud lights. And I say, hello, Tim, hello, Wendy, and you go in there and I'm just happy that my, uh,

my grocery store got a side hustle going. I also started watching a documentary. So I have seen this a little while ago, but someone, we bring up the things that people are in love with objects. There's a thing called objective sexuality or what they call OSs or objective sexuals, people that are attracted to objects. And one of the things that was, I watch this documentary, it's on the YouTube channel only human, and one of the things that, you know, you love whoever you want.

I don't give a fuck. Do everyone. These people aren't hurting anybody. I mean, they are marrying the Eiffel Tower. Sure. I think it's weird because it feel like it's people that are insane to think that they're Napoleon where it's been like, so you not just, it's not just some random building. It's the Eiffel Tower that you're in love with, but then they find a local piece of building

that they'll rub themselves on. Maybe they watched some Eiffel Tower porn. If you do watch some Eiffel Tower porn, you're not going to go to France. You were going to go to the basement of some college frat and then that Eiffel Tower, that's a whole nother thing. Yeah. And I tell you what, that Eiffel Tower is not up to code a lot of the times, but the one thing that was the, the, the hard part of this documentary is watching these, there

I'm not, again, I'm not offering judgment upon them. These are very strange. They're strong enough. You know what? I'm going to say the word unusual. Sure. They're unusual people. They're in love with structures.

You have to say. Yeah. It's just, it's a lot, right? This is my question, Henry. Do they ever fall out of love? If there's a new, if there's a World Trade Center one, and all of a sudden, yeah, that happens in, that is in the documentary. What happens then?

How do you divorce the Eiffel Tower and isn't the Eiffel Tower going to be pissed? And don't you have to give it half of your shit and then doesn't it come back and kill you? No, the Eiffel Tower, the Eiffel Tower, this one chick is married to the Eiffel Tower. And she's still in love, and she says that they keep it. What she does is she built a model of it that she has sex with. And she puts it inside, I imagine. But she says it's more consensual, it's more like there's foreplay.

And she kind of masturbates while touching it, right? It's like a whole thing. It's very, very intense. It's a lot. This woman was a professional archer. That's how what happened. She was trying to date a man. She ended up falling in love with his bow versus him.

What? Her bow. She fucks the bow. Her and the bow actually go on to win many championships, but then they break up. And then she has to go and redo with her coach, right? She's got this archery coach who's just looking, he's just looking a little tired. Right. I know you are trying.

She refused to get the trophy. She won third place trophy in this archery competition, and she refuses to go get it because she can't handle the bad memories of what it was like to used to be in love with her bow. Right, hold on, so somebody got broken up with, not for another person, but for an object, and then how do you deal with that? I guess. No, I don't know.

Is that an Israel keys? I don't know. I don't know where you say, uh-oh, time to die. Or do you say, thank God she's not having sex with my best friend. That would have led to a whole bunch of more emotions. I guess if they want to have sex with a bow, you just gotta be a bow. So you have to. They can do everything they want.

If that's what you want to do, I don't give a shit, but yes, would I be thankful that my buddy's not dating that person anymore or trying to get a person anymore? I'd be like, well, I think he dodged a bullet here because she had some, I would say, unreasonable expectations. So what did Henry, so watching this, what would I notice? I'm walking down the street. What I notice, and this woman's carrying a bow, I'd be like, okay, that's kind of weird, but would I-

She kisses it. She does. She holds it. She sleeps with it in her bed. But that's, now they're broken up. Now, these are full objects. And one thing that really kind of like, it just made me twist, and I think that's the cause of this time period, was the woman, the main woman, she's now in a newfound love

relationship with the Golden Gate Bridge. And she goes to the Golden Gate Bridge and she's just like, I just love to be around it. The sensuality, it makes me feel, it makes me feel heard, it makes me feel seen. But she's going up to the handrails and all these like areas of, and she's just fucking licking them. She's licking and kissing them and rubbing herself on it. And then another woman, she meets up with another person, another OS.

They go to New York, which is the OS capital of the world, apparently, so kiss'll look out for them. I will. Yeah. They say there's just so many objects. They say it's like a strip club for them, where it's just eye candy everywhere. I am actually, I am extremely jealous that they can experience reality like this. Yes, absolutely.

It seems to be a more innocent way to view life, but she goes up to, I mean, they've all been deeply traumatized. I'm not going to say that it's not been separate. They are, they are, they've all, they've all had bad past. Everything has been bad. Things have been bad have happened to both of them, but the woman goes up to the Empire State Building, because now she has been enamored with the Empire State Building, right? It looks like a huge cock.

And the other woman goes to her, she's like, I'm going to let you guys be alone. You guys need some alone time together. This is the Empire State Building. It's like three o'clock in the afternoon in New York City, right? So she goes up to the building and she starts being like, I can't believe I'm so happy that we're finally together. This is a man that's doing this or a woman that loves you? No, they are only women, it seems to me.

According to this documentary, I think that they are, this is a, it's a kind of an older documentary. They're saying there's only 40 of these people that identify as OS and that are also, they, but, and they're all women apparently. But she goes up to the Empire State Building, Spirit Guy comes, comes fast and it's like, then the player is going to go, please, please live. And she's just like, one second, one last second. And she starts French kissing the outside of the building.

It's like, very intimately kissing it. And then, I get big props to the security guard because he comes up and he goes, are you finished? Are you finished? Please, please go. That's very nice. Please go. Very, very nice.

And then she left, but then she's like, yeah, that security guard grabbed me to riot act back there, like trying to commiserate with the other woman, like, yeah, they don't understand our love. They don't understand. And I was like, honestly, he let you kiss it for like 45 seconds. He let you kiss it for a full, almost a full minute. Wow. And that's a lot.

And I want to say, they technically gave you a lot of room. I think that that's safe to say most security guards, they, they, maybe one, you get one lick, you get one lick, but then once you start going in like a deer on a salt block, you got it, you, we got to call it here because we got people coming in like meeting happening. She was all lippin that like she might have been a, a one of the purveyors of Princess Veritas, um, open-ended business in her backside, um, cause it looked like she was eating the empire's state building's asshole. Well, I think that's the exhaust, isn't it up top?

The world trade center one, I will say that's a babe on the street. The world trade center one is a pretty hot. It's a pretty hot building right there. I guess so. Are you about to fuck this thing? No, no, it won't have me. Uh, did they give, do they give attributes to like the golden gate bridge when I think of the golden gate bridge, I'm like, that's a straight up killer.

Golden gate bridge is actually, it's a very dangerous bridge. It kills people. It kills people. It's great documentary called the bridge. Check it out. If you kind of want to be depressed and also realize that some people commit suicide and then their family members aren't sad about it because there's one girl covering that where they're just like, it's such a sad, sad documentary.

So, so they, so golden gate bridge or like, they'll be like, oh, that's the bad boy or like, do they break it down like it's Kpop bands? The woman that was in love with her bow, the archer woman who was loved with her bow said, she said stuff like he's handsome and he knows it, which is interesting. It is a very interesting way to live. Um, she, she was molested her whole life. They're all into the back story of, they do a little bit, but it's, it's highly fascinating. Yes.

I just, the brain can house so many ideas. It can. It can. Some, some good, some not so good. And in this case, I, as long as, as long as they're happy, can they be, can you be happy though? Don't you at some point, don't you, don't you need it? Don't you need a hug?

I don't know. We're more extra for the people though. So maybe they don't need it. I love human contact, but these people have been, I think a lot of it has to do with being burned by humankind. Right. They believe that they have been sufficiently burned by humankind, that they switch to objects. But to them, they'd never say the word it because she's like, that means it's inanimate.

Well, but it doesn't, ma'am, ma'am, um, I'm not going to argue with her. I'm not going to argue with her. They live in an X rated beauty in the beast. And I want to say that it's, I mean, you know, I remember being weirdly kind of attracted to the French duster. Of course. Well, that was by design and let's not get into the cabinet. But I liked, I liked breasts.

And when I see like a thing, I mean, I'm not to be too controversial, but I like breasts. And my thing is that even if you put a big pair of great naturals on a building, well, I don't think they have a hard time. If they would, if they were natural, then you got to find the woman that you took them off of and you're probably going to be charged with murder or at the very least a unwarranted double mastectomy that no one wants to go through. Did nothing, nothing is like a surprise double mastectomy to really ruin a quilt group. Well, speaking of surprises, speaking of, so that would, it would make for an interesting

conversation at the quilt group. Maybe. Blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, blop, oh my. Speaking of surprises, we had Mother's Day. Did you call your mother this past weekend, Henry? I want to, I actually, I wonder if I can even do this. I think that our people will be mad, but my mom, I found, because it was difficult to get the flowers.

I wanted to get her flowers right during quarantine. So I went and I got her, I got her flowers from a place and she was like, I want you to talk about it on the show. And I don't know if I should, but they did such a good job. They made my mom cry. Okay. I want to talk about it. Floral impressions in Tampa that made, and I had to, like, they, she was like, you wouldn't

believe the carefully catered flowers that they left. And it was just a celebration of what it's like to be a mother. And then, oh, Henry Thomas, we watched the, we watched the comedy show for the nurses and we've laughed. We laughed and laughed. And I was just like, that's great. I wish I could watch comedy. That's very nice.

What was the name of it again? Floral impressions in Tampa. They did a really good job and she said that what my mom called the head of the floor of the florist to say, what a good job you did. And she's like, this is the first time anyone's ever called with a compliment. Oh, well, that was really sweet. I just venmoed my parents some money because that's how we communicate love. But that's very, very nice.

This son, not so nice to his mom. No, this is the opposite. This is, we're going to Beijing, China. So please send Northern China. They have arrested a man. Why did they arrest him? Well, turns out his mother, who is half paralyzed, he doesn't like her anymore. No, we're in a wheelbarrow.

The son put her in a wheelbarrow and put her straight up in a GD wheelbarrow, GD wheelbarrow in a wheelbarrow and got a barrow door out to the, to the cemetery where evidently there was just an open plot. I guess they just have those sure dumped her in there three days later. They found her. She was a little bit, she was quite upset, but she was a lot. It's a miracle. It's Jesus.

Jesus is back. That's right. The man's wife told police her husband carried his mother away in a wheelbarrow on May 2nd. When she failed to return three days later, police were informed and the man was placed in detention. A rescuer said, despite the woman's ordeal, she was faintly calling for help and she was freed according to the police. But it sounds like he didn't, I mean, I'm not really certain what the track is here

or how to take this story because number one, number one, I feel like he could have buried her a lot deeper. Well, I mean, once you drop the mother off, I think you probably put some dirt on her. I mean, I can't imagine. But then she's still going like, help, I'm alive, help, help. And you're just like, shut up, shut up. We're just ignoring you. We're ignoring you, scoop, scoop, scoop, because in the end, in my mind, I think that you,

I mean, you'd want to probably, you know, I'm not trying to give this man advice. But you kind of want to like kill a woman first. Well, that would be the logical way to do it. I think he was just like throw mama from the train. He was just so upset with his mother after years and years and years of taking care of her. Oh, it loves his mama. So according to the public assistance and according to a source, China has horrible public assistance,

especially in the poor rural areas. But of course, the families are expected to take care of their elderly. I guess this guy just had enough and he said, I can't do it anymore. And he went and he buried his mother for three days. And now I guess he's just has to hang out with her more. Well, absolutely. Cause that's the thing is that like, why bury your mother when all that does is grow more moms?

Yep. I don't know. You know what I mean? You just, you can't just plant a mommy seed. Cause then you're going to have a whole mommy crop. That's right. Her, the mom's surname is Wang. She was 79 years old.

His surname is ma. He's 58. I mean, I guess at this point, buddy, that's your mom. You just got to, you have another 10 to 20 years tops. Yeah. So you just got to, you just got to wait it out. But also there's just, again, not to give advice, there's so many other ways to do this, but also just, just fucking just to ease it through.

Just see, be with your mom for a little bit longer, just, just figure it out. Because in the end, you're not going to really be, I'm going to say this, you're, if you kill your mommy in barrier, yes, maybe the very beginning, you'll be very happy. Oh, she'll come back to haunt you. Yeah. I think that you will be haunted by your actions, especially just if you're already so half acidly, just kind of leaving her in a pile of dirt, you don't really want this. You're just trying to find a way to get it and you know how you do it, is you get her

a rich boyfriend. Yes. I'm not sure how many rich boyfriends are out there in that province of China, province of China. Yeah. But you know now, he thought it was bad before he buried his mother for three days. Oh my God. You're never going to hear the fucking end of it.

Never going to hear the end of it. You better be making breakfast, lunch and dinner for her from now on, buddy, because you remember when you buried me alive for three days? When you put me in a wheelbarrow. Yeah, it's forever. It was like the one time I forgot a cake on my mother's birthday. I love it like that. You think if she was mad about that.

Yeah. I'm mad if I shoved her in a wheelbarrow like she was a bunch of fucking manure. Your mother would, your mom would at least just enjoy having the family time together as you sweat profusely in the middle of the night with a dirty white shirt, trying to find the right graveyard to plow for him. Henry Thomas is just nice to spend some time together. Oh, come over here. This is the dirt so light over here.

This actually be really nice. Oh, this is actually kind of comfortable. This would be a nice grave, Henry Thomas. Oh, no, I'm not going to kill her. I'm not going to kill her. No, you just gave her flowers and she's not allergic to flowers to your knowledge. So that wasn't a secret plot to poison her. No, that's just what I'm not like my mom.

My mom does long con games where she tried to poison people. That's a different story. Never tell anyone your allergies, by the way. That's what we learn from the movie Parasite. Then you are, those are biological weapons. If you're allergic to cumin, it's no longer just a fun spice. It's a goddamn weapon of mass destruction. Mass destruction.

I want to tell you this story. I said this, this is way more of a kissle story than a normal Henry story. Oh, is this the one? This is really fun. This comes from Smith's Sony in Magazine. Yeah. This is like a very big, this is like a big classy, like, honestly, periodical. There's a headline, super constipated Florida lizard breaks records with gargantuan poop.

Now you think that that's cute and the picture of the lizard is really cute because he's all fat and chubby, right? It's an unfortunate diet of pizza grease and sand clogged her innards because it lived behind a pizza shop. Right? Is it Florida? Live by the beach? It's fucking so cute.

That is like you, like, I was born on third base and buck it home run. Yep. It is a, it was a northern curly tailed lizard behind this thing and it got all filled with, it got all filled with shit, right? And according to the article, this tubby creature whose two inch long midsection was swollen to the size of a golf ball was a female and they first thought this, a UF herpetologist scooped it up and they thought it was pregnant. Okay.

So they had to poke around the animal's abdomen. They didn't find any evidence of eggs and said they said it felt like it was full of silly putty. Now, if you see this fucking CT scan, the CT scan of this lizard, you see that the lizard ladies innards weren't full of, weren't full of burgeoning babies that you were instead bursting with poop, 22 grams that filled a third of the poor creature's entire body volume. But 80% of its total weight, it pushed all of its in its fucking innards up to the top

of its rib cage, right? It was completely jam packed. It looks like Mitch McConnell, if you gave him a fucking autopsy, I'm getting better at this. Sure. I'm getting better at political humor. I'm getting better at political humor. But certainly the one that definitely eats sandy pizza behind a weird ass pizza joint

in Florida for sure. Definitely the one that probably should be euthanized as well. And so at first I thought that, oh, what a cute story, right? Sure. Because it seemed like, oh, I'll be gone. Reckon said to poop with the lizard. Exactly. Just give it a little lizard diuretic, have it poop it all out, it'll be happy.

And you can imagine, Henry, aren't you just a little bit envious of having that reference John Wayne once again? Just the seven pounds of poop that was found in that man. Oh, yeah. If you could excavate it, what a day. What a day that would be. Yeah, but to get it out of this fucking lizard, they had to kill it and cut it open. Oh.

It's the saddest stick in the world. It is sad. It's a jam-packed full of shit. In this article, they show the aftermath of what Henry just said. They cut open its little belly and it is a dark, it is a dark poop, not a healthy poop. I will say I've taken a couple of these. Yeah. This is, it's almost like we were in, it's almost like when we were in Dublin, Ireland

and we had Guinness for four days straight and there is no, there's just black. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sometimes that's how it happens. If you've had a bunch of whiskey and a bunch of blood sausage, like we did in fucking, this is literally what my shit looked like for three days in Ireland. Yeah. If you look at this northern curly tail, apparently they're native to the Bahamas.

Oh. And they came in islands and now they're an invasive species in Florida. But they'll eat anything. But man, I tell you what, it may have killed them, but this little fucker was living life like he died and lived the same way as James Gandolfini. Absolutely. I was just going to say Tony Soprano living the dream behind a pizza joint. My question is they got this lizard, this lizard that may have been stepped on and killed,

ran over and killed. No one would ever know what existed. Nope. We don't have the best healthcare in the world right now. Sure. They got this lizard. Yep. They scared, like they just got him to the, to the lizard hospital.

They tested him for COVID. They gave him his diabetes medication for free. Yeah. He had the best healthcare. He has better healthcare than my fucking parents. It's unbelievable. And I also, if you run this pizza place, what's more invasive? The lizards or these researchers just hanging out like they want to get an extra slice that

you had to throw away because you can't legally sell it because you're not Joe Exotic. These people, what is going on on this pizza place? They're lizard curious. All right. They are lizard curious. They are looking at lizards with a different purvey. They are looking at lizards the way that one woman was looking at the Golden Gate Bridge. That we just don't have that type of interest.

I mean, if I was the manager, I'd be like, all right, Stu, it's your second day here at Lloyd's Pizza. Go, go shoo all the archeologists and go shoo all the lizard people away. Keep the lizards. Get rid of the people. I love the lizards. Yeah. Anyway, poor lizard.

This is a lesson to you though. Don't have sand, pizza and other greasy things because evidently it congeals inside the tummy. And then you can't. Yeah. You can get that. You can get the gout. Yeah. Don't eat sand y'all.

Don't eat sand y'all. And according to the wonderful, informative documentary, pandemic, sand is where the cure is for for covid. Don't eat it. It's don't. Don't eat it. Don't eat it. Well, speaking of food, let's do hero of the week.

All right, this week's hero of the week, he's the hero of my life and the hero of every day for me. But now it's nice. I get to share with all of you. Well, it just shows we over the years, we have stated opinions on people, we have called things in the future. I mean, I was famously correct about Michael Jackson. I think that, you know, Marcus was famously incorrect speculation going on, but Marcus

is famously incorrect because he defended Michael Jackson. I'll always remember that to him, but I'm going to say that the the history books at first glance, we thought might not look kindly upon this man. But now it's seeming that he might be the only decent person to live. Indeed. A spiky hair. Jesus. Guy Fieri.

We're going Fieri this week. I'll even say Guy Fieri. He raised, even I will do it. He raised more than 20 million bucks for restaurant workers. This guy, he, he was partnering with the National Restaurant Association Educational Foundation. He and the organization have been sending restaurant workers $500 grants for the newly created restaurant employee relief fund. After less than two months, Fieri was awarded more than 40,000 grants during the interview

on Thursday. He said the total amount they raised was 21.5 million bucks. He said, I started thinking about my brothers and sisters in the restaurant business and a bunch of restaurants that was closing. We got to do something and Guy Fieri from triple D, from triple G, triple D and everything else Guy Fieri was able to raise 21.5 million people mocked him for years. They mocked him for years and they said, oh, he's going to be a child molester. Oh, he's going to be a rapist and they've been incorrect so far.

No, they were thinking Jared Fogel. This just goes to show you might this holds true to my philosophy that the nice people, the morning people, the matlowers of the world, they're always the ones because you got Jared Fogel. Everyone's like, Jared Fogel's subway sandwich is super healthy. He's having sex with children. Guy Fieri is in there being like, put some more bacon on it. Oh, I like the cheese.

Yeah, that's all he's thinking about. And he's raising 21 million bucks for people. I was trying to explain to Natalie that once I was listening to an interview with Guy Fieri and the way he talked about how he was changing the game in the chicken wing and chicken sandwich business by raising the ounce level of per color, the way he was talking about it in detail. I was like, this man doesn't even have time to molest and groom. No, he's busy.

This man is focused on fucking impacting the chicken sandwich environment. Absolutely. In a way, he's trying to disrupt, but also he's observing and adding to the conversation of the chicken sandwich. Yes, he is. And there's no greater conversationalist than Guy Fieri. I'll never forget the American grill experience that I had in Midtown Manhattan before the coronavirus closed everything.

It's not a good restaurant. It's not good. Yes. The market. He is not a good restaurateur. Well, he put his name on it. He put his name on it. And Henry, did you even go to the American grill or are you just, are you just demeaning

the great chefs that worked there? Unfortunately, even though it defies every single thing inside me, every bit of judgment, every single thing of culinary foresight that I have, because of Guy Fieri's ascendancy into a place of respect, I will at some point go to a Johnny Garrix. I just to check it out because I've never done it, but also the Burbank Airport has a Guy Fieri sandwich spot that is not good. Well, it's not always about the quality of the food in his restaurant. It's about the quality of the food in the restaurants he goes to.

That's what it's about. He is a good curator of food and assembles views of food. I will fight you to the death if you even come close to criticizing his Vegas fries. The Vegas fries that I got, now you got your tornado crisp. You got a tornado fry. What is a tornado fry? It's just a big, thick, twisty fry. It's a curly fry.

It's a big, thick one. It's a spoon that's a fry. It was one of the best things I've ever had in my life to the point where I was talking to the bartender in Midtown Manhattan as if it was a very nice, classy restaurant and literally the guy was just so nice. He was so happy that I was treating it with such amount of respect because usually it's just big families from Ohio, not demeaning them, but when they come to New York. They're just shoveling.

They're not even thinking about the food. They're just shoveling it in their mouth. Shoveling. That's what you're about to say. You saying that you put a jeweler's glass on to the Guy Fieri experience and you actually were actually there. You were the only one truly present. Somebody else was just filling their gullets in the neon flame bedecked world of Guy Fieri.

I don't, uncut gems, got nothing on uncut carbs. I wish I could make a movie where I was Adam Sandler's character in that film, but instead of running a jewelry business, it's nothing but these tornado fries, Vegas fries. I would help bankroll that. I got a martini and the martini. I would help you with that. Thank you. I think that's fantastic.

Incredible. So thank you Guy Fieri. You're the hero of the week. You did it again. You did it again. I did it again. Proving them wrong every fucking week. All right.

I got a couple of listener letters. Let's take a look at some of these motherfuckers. Now this comes from, I talked a little bit about the Verdega, which was this kind of opposite of the deja vu experience that happened, that happens a lot in Scandinavian countries. The idea is that you see a premonition of someone before you see them and it happens a lot to people that are emotionally close to each other. This was a fucking, this is crazy, this is a good letter. I myself am 35 years old man from Norway and I have this shit.

I've earlier wanted to sit down and write to you about this. I never got around to it, but after hearing that episode I found the time. A lot of men in my family have had this dating back to least as far as 1685 according to the family tree. When I was younger, I never understood why my mom always knew when I would walk in the door or that she knew when she needed to look for me if I got hurt. She would always say it was the Verdega. I thought it was something she had.

My grandmother on the mother's side would do and say the same thing. When I was in my teens I finally asked my mother about this and why she had the Verdega. She thought, looked me dead in the eye and told me that she didn't have anything, I did. That freaked me the fuck out. But she explained to me that it was when she saw, she explained to me when she saw the dread in my eyes. It's not a doppelganger as much as it's a poltergeist, but not scary. It's just a premonition of me that shows itself 15 minutes before I get somewhere.

It seems that most people who are emotionally connected to me get the premonition. My mom says that every time I've walked in her front door since I was old enough to walk, she's heard me open and close the front door and hang my jacket in the closet 15 minutes before I actually do it. She basically gets deja vu every time I walk in the door. All the dogs I've ever had, I've also done this. So if someone has been watching my dog, that dog would go sit by the door 15 minutes before I arrive to pick them up every time without fault.

When I was 18, me and some friends went on a trip to Bulgaria to party. One evening when I was really drunk, we walked past a tattoo shop that was open. We stopped and we're about to go in and get me a tattoo when my mom called. She told me I was too drunk to get a tattoo and I should leave the shop. My asshole Vordega had showed itself to my mom getting a tattoo and she immediately called me. Oh, it's a snitch. It's a snitch ghost.

That's what he says. My Vordega is a snitch. What? Oh my God. I didn't know that was going to be the turn. But it also showed itself to my dad when I fell from a tree in the forest next to my house and blacked out. So I woke up in the hospital instead of alone in the forest at night.

But when no one in my family really believes in ghosts, but Vordega, everyone believes it because we've seen it too many times to doubt it. When the people with Vordega die in my family, almost everyone knows when they have died immediately because a lot of my family sees or feels it right before it happens. I don't mean everybody feels it, but that just enough feel it that everybody gets the message early. My dad was in Brooklyn in the 70s when he saw my mom's uncle die on the pavement in front of their apartment home in Norway.

He called home to check and my mom said he was fine and she could see him walking past the house. He suddenly fell over and died on the pavement of a major heart attack when my mom hung up the phone. Well, this is the first of all, never answer the phone. If anyone from this family calls you, this is always seven days, seven days is very scary to think that if they acknowledge it, I wonder if it's because they acknowledge it that it happens because I don't know.

Could you try to help them? It sounds like it's happening despite anything that they're doing. It sounds like it's just a weird sort of astral behavior that we do not know why. I love it though and it makes me so happy. But here's this next story. Oh, Henry, hold on a second. I'm getting a vision of you in 15 minutes from now. You're going to take a huge dump.

It's going to be a perfect dump. Thank God because I've been waiting on this dump. It's coming. All right. So here we go. This is a funny story that shows that sometimes things are creepy, but they may not be, you know, there's a surprise in here. Okay.

So about 20 years ago, I was about 20. I was living in a rural farm cottage in the middle of nowhere by myself. I'd gone to bed one Saturday night about midnight and from memory, I think I was lying in bed half asleep, half considering molesting myself. Malest. Suddenly, the phone starts ringing so I don't get out of bed naked. So I get out of bed naked and I go out and I answer the phone. There's no one there.

No dial tone, no one speaking. Just wondering what was going on in here, this cackling female giggle come from my bedroom. I put the phone down and rushed back to my room and it's empty. I do check under the bed. No clue what's going on. I think I was just going to get back in bed. The phone rings again. I go out and answer it thinking I should put some pants on again.

There's no one there. Okay. I hang up phone rings again. So I answer it. No one is there. So I just fucking pulled the jack out of the wall thinking that's all that I had for my room. I head for my room and then I hear a painful sounding baby crying in my spare room.

I run in there. Room is empty. Do you know what you're feeling when your brain can't stitch together what's going on? Right? But I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm feeling panicky. Phone rings again. The phone that has been ripped from the wall.

I answer it and now there's creepy breathing. I'm saying who the fuck is this? And then that witch sounding cackling giggle comes from my bedroom again. I drop the phone. I rush into the room. It's empty. Fucking rush it back and forth. He hears the giggling again in his bathroom.

He runs over there. Nothing. Phone rings again. The phone is off the hook and it's unplugged from the wall. It is ringing. I pick it up. I start to freak out. It is the breathing on the phone.

The witch appears to be moving from the bedroom to the bathroom cackling. I hear the baby cry again. I hear banging coming from my room. Except someone heavy is running across the floor. I freak. I can't find anything happening. I can't even begin to comprehend. There's the baby crying, the phone ringing, the witch cackling, the banging on my floor.

I finally flip. It has to end. I run out of my room. I go out of my room. I grab a 12 gauge pump action shotgun. I slide open the sliding door, open the balcony, and I let a shot off in the air. He's freaking out, right? Yeah.

That's why he does this. I don't know if that's going to help. Everything goes silent. The whole house goes crazy. Everything goes silent. And he goes to pick up the phone. It's his brother. And he says, hey, hey, stop shooting.

I'm under your house. Turns out the weekend before when I was away for the weekend, he had driven two hours to my house with a bunch of old stereo speakers and screwed the speakers with wires in various places under my house facing up against the bottom of the floorboards. He then ran wires from all the speakers back to a central location. He had wired my phone somehow via another phone that he had under the house. He then gone home and made a mixtape with various creepy sounds. He then waited a full week and then late at night, driven again, driven the two hours

to get out to my cabin, snuck onto the property and crawled into the house with his Walkman. And then when the time was right, he called me and he was pushing play on the Walkman and connecting various wires to the Walkman as different sounds beamed to different rooms. Damn. So it was this crazy story. And he said, eventually he gave me the mixtape when he left and on it was written Operation Thirteen Ghosts. Dude, that's awesome.

Hell yeah. Good thing he didn't shoot his brother. That is one way to die accidentally at the hands of a loved one. But very cool. Yes. That's fun. You know, kids, the kids don't have fun like that anymore. Isn't that nice?

You know what? Because it takes real, you really have to be engaged. You do. And you have to be a little bit bored. You have to have a level of trust and a level of hatred to just go and torment your brother like that. I think that's great. That's a great family right there.

I think it's a great family and I also think that when it comes down to it, I just love a super involved prank. Yeah, absolutely. And they don't do it for the cameras. They do it for the love. They do it for the love. They do it for the love. So this is a cool story.

I thought this was very interesting, especially headed towards what we're going to be covering this week's episode of the last podcast and the next couple of episodes, probably tell. I'm from New Zealand, but I've been living in Japan for the last few years. When I was younger, I went on exchange in Kyushu in southern Japan. Due to a mix up, the school had no families for me to stay with, so I stayed with one of the teachers, very eccentric, always chuckling at everything that reminds us kind of like anime style, where they're like, oh, that's fun. Fun fact, many Buddhist priests in Japan work two jobs to support the temple.

His teacher was also a Buddhist priest, so I stayed with him and his family in their temple. The house temple is large by Japanese standards. The temple proper is a full statue of their Buddha, all lacquered wood and gold leaf. The temple is quite old, even as a graveyard by the front gate with graves dating back to the 17th century. Cool. Being a temple, there are certain rules.

Japanese belief maintains that the temple gates are an entrance to the spirit world, where the gods reside. As such, we never use the main gate, instead go around the gate to show the spirits we are still in the world of the living. By tradition, all that gold used to make theft a big issue, so the temple needs a guard. In this case, they have zinzai, the guard dog. They I say guard dog, but she's actually a very friendly border collie, very handsome, the best worst guard dog ever.

Always happy to see me when I arrive and wants constant attention. She's kept by the front door by tradition, and I walk her every night when I stay. With that out of the way, let's get to the spooky shit. One question happened last time I visited. It was a quiet weekday night. The priest's teacher father was working late at school and hadn't come home yet. The rest of the family were off doing their own thing, so it was just me and the elderly grandma.

Sounds like the trifecta of just a guaranteed pedophile, the priest's teacher father? Yes. Oh my. He might as well, yeah, yeah, parent, yeah, fucking priest's teacher father cop. I don't know. The rest of the family were off doing their thing. So it was typhoon season, and we had three straight days of rain. Senzai, the guard dog, hates storms.

Her tail goes between her legs, and if there's thunder, she barks and scratches to be let inside. Tonight was so different. Now Grandma said something in her rural accent I didn't quite understand, but she pointed at the front door. I got the message so I went to go calm Senzai down. I walked to the front door and opened it to see Senzai soaking wet and scared. I'm about to go let her in when I notice it is suddenly dead silent.

No wind, no heavy rain, no thunder, dead calm. Senzai and I looked at each other nervously, then both looked out into the yard in front of the temple. There were no clouds and full mood in the yard with jagged shadows. I can't explain it, but the shadows on the yard all shifted imperceptibly, like sort of clicked into place, almost like I had stepped into another world. Senzai suddenly started barking at the open temple gate. The hairs on my neck stood up and my spine tingled like someone had poured ice down my

back. I felt it too. Something was there. I watched a blob of shadow by the gate move and shift and slide across the yard, up to the temple steps and around the pillar in front of where I stood, maybe ten feet from me. The shadow paused and looked at me. And it looked into my soul with giant green eyes.

It was a kitten, a tiny black kitten. It could have fit into the palm of my hand. Of course, typical Senzai was just concerned about a tiny feline intruder. I went to go pet Senzai for a job well done when the kitten moved. This is where it gets strange. Its front half sort of stretched out to the nearest gravestone about 30 feet away and its back half followed a good quarter of a second later. Turn around, looked me dead in the eye, then stepped out of existence.

I was petrified and Senzai pissed herself. Just started pissing. Damn. I told the priest about it when we got home. He chuckled, then laughed and sat me down in the temple to give me a blessing. He explained that Japanese witches employ certain animals. These animals carry their souls into the spirit world to do their bidding on the full moon. Very much like the witch familiars of western paganism, with more contracts rules and bowing

to each other. I likely just startled a local witch who was out doing their witchy business. He gave me a blessing just in case a curse had been putting on me, but he said I was probably fine. So I really freaked me out and it still gives me the creeps. Don't piss off the witch, look at that, sort of like the slinky wiener dog from Toei's story. Very much able to stretch.

It is like that, but it's cute. That's cute. I like that story that goes, it reminds me of Mushishi. I love it. I've been reading a lot of, Google, been reading a lot. I've been reading a lot. You're reading a lot of Google. Your mediums, they all got websites, been reading a lot about it.

There's a whole bunch of different realms. I've been talking about that. This is great. Yep. Yep. Yep. A lot of fun haircuts in the medium community. Thank you all so much for listening.

This has been a wonderful, I don't know, should I say it's been a wonderful episode? I hope you have enjoyed the episode. I fucking hope. And yes, let's see here. So thank you so much for buying the book. You can go to IndieBound.com and get the last book on the left. So our live show is out, LastPodcastLive.com, a super fun show. We filmed it in NOLA and it is, yeah, I don't know.

It's a good reminder that live performance will come back and it does exist. It will come back. We will be at you as soon as humanly fucking possible. I have no clue what that will be, but soon you guys, yes, check out LastPodcastMerch as well because we have a LastPodcastMerch.com. All new shit. But we got a limited edition shirt just about to hit. Oh my God, I love it.

I love it. Just get up in there. You're gonna fucking, you're gonna love that shit. Yeah. Let's do this. Thank you guys. Honk, honk, honk, honk. You remember?

Do you remember? Yeah. Damn. Damn. You memble. So guys, live, live, you gotta live, man, because people out there are fucking, because you gotta get busy living, you're gonna get busy dying. And that's what I heard.

Yeah, sure. I don't know who I, I think, you know, I think Tony Danza said that. That could be. Could be. I'm not certain, but Tony Danza, what a talent, multiple talents. He can dance, can sing, can act, love, love him, love his energy. Absolutely. I think, I think, did he die?

Tony Danza, I don't believe so. We'll find out. I hope not. I don't think so. Someone will tell us. Someone will tell us. You gotta laugh. You know what's a good time to laugh is out here on the streets during the quarantine

if you're walking around, people a little bit more unhinged than normal, especially in Los Angeles. And so when a really good way to deflect I've found, if someone says something like crazy to you, you go, haha, you're right about that one, buddy. That's a great, honestly, great technique. Always agree, engage, agree, move, disengage, yep, disengage, love, love the piece of disengaging from someone you're scared of on the street, just how nice it is to get away from the weird like, because nowadays it's a lot of people in band dance and I was robbing by

people with band dance. So sometimes it creeps me out, but I'm now learning to accept them and love them too. And no, they're just trying to hide their face from reality. Well, perhaps so they can't be facially recognized by all these cameras that are going up on a regular basis. We didn't talk about the robot dogs yet. The war is beginning, folks. So don't forget that when it comes to the war against machines.

I'm on your side, robots. I know, I know. I'm not sure if they want you, but you are giving them your full support, full throated support coming from Henry Zabrowski. That's it. No matter what someone tells you, oh yeah, go. Never thought of it that way. Give them a shot.

Let them get a shot. When you get on out of there. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to the show. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Hail Ghostalations. Oh, Henry, I'm getting a premonition.

You died on the toilet. Yeah, I knew it. It's all over. Yeah, it's cool. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.