Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Croissant Cryptid

Episode Date: April 22, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a fearsome Polish cryptid's true nature is revealed, a teacher is killed while stealing from the Cartel, a burglar downloads porn, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Do you find that when you have like a certain song stuck in your head, it sets the tone for your whole week? No, I actually don't. But I have had Johnny Cash's Hurt stuck in my head.

Oh, you want to get rid of that one? But I'm, you know, because it's just, it's fine. It's just any sort of, there's like a white noise moment in my day or just like, you know, no activity. If I just sit on the couch, it's just the back. It comes from the back of my head. It goes, I hurt myself today. Well, that's the one problem with Johnny Cash's Hurt,

which I love that song. And thank you so much for Rick Rubin for bringing Johnny to the masses. But that song is very specific. So if you're cutting celery, if you're making wonderful barbecue, like you did this weekend, don't listen to it because slowly you're going to bring that knife to your wrist. You're going to bleed all over the meat. You're going to be dead.

We'll have to take care of your corpse after we rewash the meat, re-cook it and eat it because we have to get your blood off of it. So just be careful because you don't want to listen to suicidal songs. Well, chop in any kind of food. Thank you for the concern. I also, you know, you just stand in above the meat and you look at the wet meat as it slowly, slowly cooks

over six sensuous hours over the hickory smoke. And you lift it up and just being like, what have I become my sweetest friend? You become a multi-millionaire ten times over, Johnny. Everyone knows it was about his death of his wife. I know, but of course, Willie was still around. So he always had him to call. Truly Willie Nelson is the last outlaw.

And I hope he never dies. He's he's not an outlaw anymore. The government doesn't want him anymore. Now they're probably looking for his taxes again. I imagine that Willie Nelson, they've tried to get his taxes all wrapped up pretty tight, but I imagine everyone's in a while. He's like, and this one's for me, where he like takes a couple of grand and he just he turns it into cash and he buries it in his backyard.

As he should, Willie Nelson apparently doing all right. Full of that sweet weed. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry speaking of sweet weed. We are recording on four twenty. We also have a weed vape line out now. Thank you all so much for everyone who went out to everyone who went out and bought it. Apparently, they're flying off the shelves, which is ironic

because they make you sit on the couch. I am. But thank you all so much. I'm so excited. We're in the game, bro. We're in the game. We're in the game. It's fun to sling them fucking leaves. I can't wait till we get flour. That will happen at some point. But now the goal is to hook up our

retails with something like the Last Prisoner Project, because my goal over the next several years is that I want to physically break you out of jail. Oh, you are currently in jail for weed. We're coming to get you. I'm the real man. You're going to do that. I'm the real man. You're the distractions. You dress up as a sexy lady and you go in and be like,

I simply must know what it's like to be a prison guard. You know, you massage your whole body and stuff like that. And they are because they're all like, oh, this hot mama wants a prison tour. And then what we do is we also have to get a guard to flip. And they get them on the inside and then I'll commit a petty crime into jail myself and then work you out of the system. This is how we're doing it. Well, you can give money or work with the Last Prisoner Project.

Yeah, because I think you're going to be turned inside out multiple times over. I don't think you're going to. The funny guy doesn't do well in prison. You're going to say, no, we actually got some good emails this week from people because last week we asked a question about whether or not in prison, is it important to have a gimmick? And honestly, it seems like, yes, you must have a gimmick. Because if not, you don't have a jail identity.

And then you've wasted all of this time without building your prison brand. You know what? You've talked and you've changed my mind. You boom, flipped my brand. Now that I think about it, if you solely go in there as Terry, the gnome, I'm in. I think that you can be pretty good because you will be the funniest guy. You'll be very similar to the old man from House of a Thousand Corpses when he does stand up comedy.

And then he's like, man, then you lick her in the pussy. Yeah, everyone will love it. Yeah, but in prison, that'll work. But if you do it on the stage in, let's just say, Red Rocks. No, it's coming up soon. We used to go, we're doing a live show in Red Rocks. I can't believe that. That's absolutely insane.

But it depends on. You'll be boot off stage and possibly arrested afterwards. You don't know because people, you'd be surprised, have a very big, wide swath acceptance of art. I think that you are greatly, greatly mistaken. Are you kidding me? You're coming down hard on my art today. I'm not coming down hard on your art.

I actually gave you the idea to be Terry the gnome. No, when you go into prison to break out nonviolent drug offenders, even though just again, you just also let the power of Terry the last prisoner project do it. I mean, I guess if they can fucking physically break into these prisons and also they don't have you in a dress, sucking off a guard, waiting for the guy to have just one moment of just like, oh, I just eyes roll back and ecstasy as you use every skill

you've ever taught yourself with your hands. Can you stop please, Terry the gnome? Thank you very much. I'll fuck a squirrel. Oh my. All right. Well, we do have, we actually have to talk about this story just very briefly. We're going to get to a fantastic cryptid story here in a second,

but there is a new development in a story. We actually didn't talk about that much on this show. But Kristen Smart, she was killed in 1996 in her dorm room. The perpetrator of that act is Paul Flores. He was 19 years old when he committed this crime. They've been going after this guy for a while, I think. They've been trying to piece this together. This is also one of those like a web sleuth style reopening of a case

where people got really invested online and they ended up reopening the case. And it's honestly, this is a really good thing that this guy finally got grabbed. It absolutely is. And that is why I've been saying this for a long time. True detective. I want two female detectives because you can see the white wine. You can see the red wine. And the way that they investigate crime is ridiculous.

It's very scary though. At the same time, sometimes they find the wrong person and they drive themselves to kill themselves. Like in that Luca Magnata story. Oh my God, that was horrible. Yes, be a real sleuth. Be careful. Be very careful.

Don't just accuse people of murder if they didn't do it because they'll kill themselves. Paul Flores, he is now 44 years old. He has been arrested along with his father Ruben Flores who is 80 years old. So there is some closure for the family. Please say they recovered 193 items including physical evidence. And apparently he wrote in an interview or he wrote down in a note during an interview talking about what happened here.

And so I guess the cops were able to get some cadaver dogs over there and they were able to find enough evidence to bust this guy. Well, good work. Yeah, there you go. I mean, it took some time, but good work. But yeah, maybe we'll cover that story more so in more depth. Now that there's an ending, you know how in last podcast and left, we don't really like to cover unsolved murders

because it doesn't really give us the narrative closure that we normally like. But it is really, maybe this will shape up to be one of those stories. Absolutely. His bail is Ruben Flores is the father. The bail is $250,000. So for 25 grand, he could be freed. Jesus Christ. Isn't that interesting?

All right. Now this is a story. This is a wild story out of Europe. There's so many stories out of Europe. So many. But only so many get the attention here at the desk of side stories. Absolutely. And this one really cut through the noise.

This was wild. Animal welfare officers, they received a report of an unusual animal lurking in a tree in the Polish city of Krakow, the fatherland. Oh, yes. And no one, they weren't, they didn't know what to expect. They didn't know what was going to happen. They were, people were afraid to open their windows because they were afraid that this thing that they saw

was going to crawl into their house. Well, if you can crawl up a tree, you can roll, crawl up your window with any luck. It's just an adorable chipmunk who have never done anything wrong to anybody. Yeah. But this was not even that. It turned out they, a bunch of people posted pictures of it online and they were all scared of this creature.

But then it turned out to be a croissant. A croissant. It was a croissant tied to a tree. The Krakow animal, this is just such a Polish like story. I'm offended like by reality. Like I'm offended that this happened. I'm actually happy that you claimed your Polish side

because you can also claim your Italian side. You're about a 50-50 mix. I claim the Italian side when it, when it comes down to a red sauce and talking about it in supremacy or, and talking about it, you know, like someone like Mike Racine, someone else is in the red sauce game. But you have to like talk about it and constantly violently, violently defend your own familial red sauce. Because if not, you are not allowed to go back into Italy.

But my Polish side is sad. Of course it is, as it should be always, as it gets beaten down by your Italian side. Mike Racine, a very funny stand-up comedian. Writing on Facebook, the Krakow Animal Welfare Society said the incident, it is genuine. This is real. The organization said its officers had asked the desperate caller

whether the identified animal, which had been in the tree for two days, could be a bird of prey. And this person was so upset. That they said, this woman was like, it looks like a lagoon. It's similar to a lagoon, which is Polish, Polish for lagoon. Before remembering it, the correct word, she kept calling it lagoon, lagoon, but actually the correct word is a laguan, which is an iguana. An iguana.

She thought it was a brown iguana. Because although- But why would she call the police on a brown iguana? What is going on in the town of Krakow? Which is a major metropolitan city. It's a big city. I don't think that this should freak out this woman. If anything, she seems like the cryptid to me.

This is a Polish carrot. And this is a karanska. The inspectors knew that it was unlikely that a reptile would survive the cool spring temperatures in the southern Polish city. They wondered if the animal could have been an unwanted pet, abandoned by its owners. Like, oh, sure. And so they spent their Polish taxpayer dollars.

They went down to the scene. Obviously God knows what they've used in Poland. I still think that they pay each other in tin, like little spheres. But I'm not quite certain. And when they arrived in the scene, the inspectors found the headless and limbless object in the lilac tree, which they thought would be an iguana. It was a pastry who was probably thrown out of a window to feed some birds.

Oh, isn't that funny? The fella, his name is Inspector Adam. That's what he's going with. That is the man who went to inspect. What was in the tree that turned out to be a baked good? It does look weird because it is a croissant in a tree. It is straight. You don't usually see them there.

No. And so you can see how maybe there is like a minute there where you look out and you're like, what's that brown lump? But that only really happens when I'm like very high. So I can't really imagine because I don't know if the fucking weed in Poland is really that kicking. I don't think that they have weed in Poland, to be honest with you. I think it's beet based. Maybe.

This is what investigator Adam had to say. He says maybe someone threw out an iguana, not even that. He says, I wonder how this creature feels after two nights at minus temperatures. He says, maybe he's sitting in that tree and not moving because he's just dead. And then he says, the poor guy had no legs or head. And then he realized it's a flaky pastry. Yeah, because he's fucking because he's still. But I guess when you show up, you show up with the guana glasses on expecting to see a guana.

When it turns out to be a croissant, your brain is doing a lot of guana math, trying to flip that croissant into an iguana in your mind. But when it comes down to it, you got to touch it. Didn't it take too long for them to figure this out? That's what I'm saying. OK, because even as he describes it, he still has the emotional energy to talk about how he felt like it may have been an iguana or a headless, legless entity of some kind. And it's just, I feel like this, whatever this croissant is, it should not be thrown away.

This croissant is now so next level croissant. It is strangely enough, it has become a cryptid, hasn't it? In its own way, it has become the Polish crawling croissant. But I also think we, again. Every time you see a croissant from now on. Don't just put a croissant in a tree. Because obviously it shows the birds were needed like that. Definitely not.

Because those birds in Poland, they're picky, they're finicky. You give them a flaky ass croissant that doesn't have enough buttery goodness. Those birds are going to scoff at you, laugh at you, and suicide themselves into your window. So you have to pick up an actual dead animal. Be careful what you give the birds of Poland are a spoiled bird. I don't think that you, I think you're giving them too much credit, honestly. Because you know a lot of these birds, they pecked at people and not fucking Auschwitz, dude.

No, not the birds that are alive today. Yeah, who knows. They're fucking, they're grandfathers, like certain grandfathers? No, birds do not have grandfathers. And my grandfather was a labor union head. He started Fiat, traveled the world. Yeah, he stayed safely in Berlin. And so Berlin got a little too hot under the collar for him.

No, they stayed in Badenburg, near the Black Forest, just in case you had to run into the forest and hide for the rest of your life. No, my father, my grandfather actually had, he did fine throughout the war, I suppose. But then he got into some business dealings. And then a lot of people were mad at him because he got into politics. But he got what he deserved, which was a lot of money and a long life. Okay, let's go in here.

So let's talk about Maricopa County. Because Maricopa County, we don't hear about it too much, but every time you do, you're like, holy hell, something's going on there. And dare I say, it's a city of vengeance. This woman was walking to her car. All of a sudden she sees her tires are slashed. So initially you're like, okay, well some ragtag group of misfits came and slashed my tire. Have you ever slashed a tire?

No, but I did see one person slash a tire of my friends, and then we beat him up and we chased him out of town. I like, it is a good message to send somebody. It's hard to, it looked really hard to do. If you just stick a knife in a tire, that's how you know you've meant business, and you've sent a message. I think the slashing of a tire is the, it's the suburban, leave a horse's head in the bed.

What's so hard is saw a fucking horse's head off a body. Do you have an idea how hard it is, first of all, and also to strip? Absolutely. The next thing you know, the person's just cuddling with his new horse head. He's named it Becky, and now he's in love, and all of a sudden you just gave him a whole new life. The slashing of a tire is so symbolic of, you're in trouble now, you've angered me, but you don't know who I am.

Making this case even crazier in Maricopa County, she then found a severed finger on her driveway that did not belong to her. This is something that I don't particularly understand. So a threat to you was to cut off one of your own fingers. The Maricopa police, they came and they took the finger into custody. I don't know if they put little finger handcuffs on it or not. This is our Francesca Wyckoff. She went to, she exited her home in the Homestead South community

in Thursday morning, and a severed flange lying on the concrete. Good, someone got a thethorus over it. They called it a flange? Penalcentral.com. No, my friend, it's a finger, no need to be fancy. So GMC Yukon, ooh, big car, parked in the driveway. It also had two slash tires on one side, but there was no sign of the owner of the finger.

The trail of blood left at the scene led to a nearby residence. Wyckoff said one resident of the home was out of town, but the other is the man she believes is the owner of the appendage. I know how you can tell. Count his fucking fingers. Check his feet. All right, so this is what they had to say. Once they get to this guy, evidently, no, ladies and gentlemen,

let's just do a test. Sober or hammer. Oh, I'm going to go ahead and say, started very, very hammered, became sober. Moment the finger was dropped into the driveway, and then he went home and looked at his hands. And he's like, there goes my fucking ocarina career. Time to get re-hammered. So they went to the guy's house.

They were like, hey, bro, you fucking miss a finger, dude. And apparently he was extremely intoxicated and aggressive. I like this. They went over to this neighbor's house with their children. They had a big old get-together. And then some male, just some random ninth wheel shows up. It's always weird when some random single man just shows up to your family get-together, and you're like, unless you invited him.

Well, you never do, though. You never fully do. They always do just show up. Then, allegedly, he started getting intoxicated and aggressive at this children's party. He tried to get an altercation with my husband, who was injured. Then after that, he shoved me twice. This is this woman. He was asked to leave.

Didn't like that. So he tried to retaliate by slashing my tires. However, he left a little consolation prize. I just don't understand what does that do to your enemy for you to leave one of your own finger parts, one of your own body parts, at their house. It deeply traumatizes them. This all happened at 10.30 p.m.

According to Wycoff, again, that's the, I suppose, the victim here, although the man who lost his finger is also kind of a victim of his own stupidity. He did to himself. Apparently, a neighbor heard him yelling and crying at 10.30 p.m. My finger! I kind of, everyone's just like, you do not have to do that. So, yeah, the family, they had a bunch of cameras. So they had a chance to see him do it.

And, you know, it's deeply traumatizing for the family. Maricopa Police, they have not yet responded to any kind of comments. But this is what she had to say. She says, this is our new to us vehicle. We haven't even had it a year. She's so saddened over what happened to her vehicle, because it was the last gift my mother ever gave us. That's right.

It was my husband's grandmother's last present. It was the last present she ever could have given us, and would you believe he gave it, he slashed the tires. After I said, I didn't like Aaron Rodgers as the host on Jeopardy. I'll slash your tire right now. And he specifically attacked me. I will attack you right now, because we almost got into a fight before the show.

Aaron Rodgers did a great job as the host of Jeopardy. He was charming and fun. I still want it to be LeVar Burton. It's not LeVar Burton is too old and Ken Jennings is too boring. Let a blind man be host of the show. LeVar is not blind, bro. He's blind to me. He's blind in Star Trek.

He hosted a show called Reading Rainbow. I thought he was faking it. You wasn't about Braille. No, he wasn't. You were faking being blind. How are you doing this to me? They were such simple books that someone could have told them beforehand what the books were fucking about.

They were not. It was a children's show. You tell me, oh, so you tell me Jordy LeFurge was a faking liar? He could see the whole time. He was an actor. Do you know, have you ever seen the end of usual suspects? Usual suspects, yeah.

I've seen all of usual suspects, yeah. They're acting. Remember when Kevin Spacey's character acted not to be pedophile that whole time? But we didn't even know that was the game within the game. Best actor of our generation, just simply for that act. Absolutely. But then he says, oh, I'm in need of assistance

because I have some biological things that are wrong with me. But then it turned out he didn't. So that's called acting. Anyway. Usual suspects is one of my favorite spells. Usual suspects. Going back to this woman, she says

it's our only family vehicle that is safe for the kids. And now they have to spend a lot of money to get it fucking fixed. So there you go. Also, what do you do with the guy that has the neighbor, the neighbor that has the one finger missing? You still have to be neighbors with him. I know.

You don't just get up and leave. So now you just have to be like, hey, Rod. And then Rod has to do the Klingon thing. I can only get nine more times to scare you. Give me a high nine. And I'm just happy we had that experience together as neighbors because we're closer now. You have to sort of, I guess, bridge a form of peace,

some form of truth. Because at some point, I imagine he, I'm going to go on a limb and say, if he's anything, like men I've known in my life, that maybe he popped off. We all have had moments where you're hammered and you pop off at night and then you wake up and you're like, what did I do? And then I wonder if there, if there is that where

if you have gone so far as to cut off your own finger and you wake up that day, what's that hangover like? Where you're just like, oh, wow. I really took it to the fucking paint. Yeah. I think the hangover doesn't come until a month later because you got to stay drunk for a long time. You have to stay drunk throughout the entire healing process,

both emotionally and physically. And then perhaps you can leave your house and begin to live again. Although I don't think this man really needs to be neighbors with anyone. He seems increasingly dangerous. And if he's willing to cut off his own finger, what else is he going to be able to fucking do?

I cut off your Johnson. I cut off your Johnson. Fly from your grave. Well, speaking of intense, bro, we have to do this drug cartel story. This is fucking wild. And we usually don't do drug cartel stories because they hit a little close to home.

But this is more of a teacher gone rogue story. What an action movie this story is. This story unravels in a way that, yes, this is straight up written by Tom Clancy. We don't know what's happened. We don't know what is going to happen or how this is going to obviously pan out. But just the beginning details are incredible.

This comes from Wapo. Beloved teacher's double life revealed after he dies in cartel robbery. Oh my gosh. This is a popular Charlotte area teacher and coach. He died suddenly this month in the entire school community. They mourned his loss. There was the entire community got together

with big signs saying, love you, coach, all love, no fear. You're forever a part of who we are. Then there's this twist came. A sheriff across the state announced at a Wednesday news conference that Barney Dale Harris, his teacher, was his beloved presence. He'd been killed in a gun battle while trying to steal drugs and cash

from a Mexican drug cartel. You just don't want to do that. Maybe you can steal a big Montana from an Arby's because they got a whole bunch more and they're really not that connected to their product. Steal a truckload of PS5s. Steal some PS5s. Stealing drugs from a drug cartel

is really one of the dumbest things any human being can do. And it makes me wonder, what was he teaching the children? Basketball. Well, he was also a pretty high up teacher. Apparently, he was known as one of the better Spanish teachers in the town. But apparently, his Spanish wasn't good enough for him to get out of being murdered by the drug cartels,

which is kind of sad. Well, he showed up apparently at this spot where he was looking for a young drug mule by the name of Alonso Beltran Lara. And he was, he showed up prepared for the fight. He was in a full like Balaclava bulletproof vest armor. But when they found there was 30 shell casings littering the, littering the interior and exterior

of the residents that they found him in. And three nearby mobile homes were scarred with bullet holes. Deputies also found the second man, who was reportedly the cartel drug runner, this man, Alonso Beltran Lara, which you don't know yet. So still allegedly, which they found him inside of this trailer that was a stash house. He was shot two times in the back of the fucking head.

And he died. And he is dead. No one knows what the hell went on. Harris' wife cannot be reached for comment at the moment, because I imagine she's a little like either complicit or very shocked. So either one. Perhaps just a lot.

Perhaps just a bit of both. I mean, I would assume if you are married right now, and all of this took place at 12.52 in the morning. If you're married right now and you roll over and your husband isn't there and he's not in the bathroom or he's not watching, hell, you know what? How great it would be if you just opened up the door and he was watching hardcore porn.

How nice that would be to know he's there. How, what a simple night that would be. But most likely he's just going to watch sports center highlights in the not top 10 or something like that. And be like, okay, there's Barry. But you just got to ask him where he's going. Just see how he responds. If he's out of the house.

Yeah. Just see how he responds. Just say, hey, what's going on? Because apparently this man, it wasn't petty drug. We're not talking last podcast and left weed vapes here. We are talking real hardcore drugs. Deputies found 1.2 kilograms of Coke and seven grand in cash and five guns in the trailer.

This is kind of ramping up. The teacher and coach appeared to have had two run-ins with the law enforcement in recent months. I mean, obviously, I mean, who knows what this kind of ship? But they hit him with a misdemeanor weapons charge related to carrying a concealed weapon. And then a month later, this was in August. And then in September of last year,

a man with his name and date of birth received a misdemeanor drug possession citation in Oklahoma after a state trooper allegedly found a plastic container with marijuana residue inside a car he was driving, which sounds like what a fucking piece of shit. You know how that went down. He did this smell test and then he was like, I happen to see some kind of flakes in this hair tupperware.

That again, last prisoner project. That's insane. There's still big old bumpy bumble fucks out there pulling people over. Yes, well, something in here. It's like, bro, you need to watch out for your own health and take care of yourself. Don't judge me. Take a look at yourself.

That's what I said. This also sounds like there must have been some kind of financial either problems or issues in the house. Well, he was just a teacher. He was. And then Harris and his brother-in-law, who was the 32-year-old Stephen Alexander Stewart of Wadesboro, North Carolina,

they had allegedly plotted to drop this drug runner who lived in a mobile home about two hours from Charlotte. They, I guess they had been following cartel members to try to determine where they kept their money. Dude, just stop doing this. This is so unbelievably dangerous. I don't know, I'd rather just fucking jerk off on OnlyFans. Like, you can find a way to make this money.

It's still, I mean, seven grand. Yes, that's great. It's a lot. It's life changing for some people. Well, it's year changing, maybe. Yes. But most likely it's like, we got a little bit more bar money this month.

This is really- Seven grand isn't enough to change your life. It's certainly not enough to lose your life. I think this guy was just having fun and you choose your own adventure side quest in life. I guess so, or it feels like it's the kind of money that's going to change your life and maybe it's because you might just be high on cocaine

and then you're now fueled with this idea that I have to get this money or maybe he thought there was going to be more money in there. They believe Harris arrived to the trailer while the alleged drug runner who lived there, 18-year-old Alonzo Beltran-Laura wasn't home. The teacher, dressed in his bulletproof vest, face covering and gloves,

he went inside and waited for him like he was fucking Walter White. Oh my gosh. It's unclear how exactly the violence unfolded but just before 1 a.m., multiple 911 calls came in from mobile home park residents reporting gunshots in the area but they just said people were just shooting out the entire neighborhood.

Projectile hit the power box knocking out all of the trailer's electricity. And apparently a kilo of coke can go from 600 to 1800, I guess, depending on how good it is. So at most this guy is, let's just say, 2,300 bucks coming in from the coke, which seems low but I guess, I mean, this is literally from Quora. So don't quote me on this.

Don't quote Quora on a single fucking thing. But that's what Quora says that it's around 1,800 bucks. My 100 kilogram unit contains about 100 kilograms, which is worth 2 million. So yeah, I guess that does kind of make sense. So he's really not dealing with that much money. Maybe they thought this guy was low level enough on the drug cartel world.

No one would miss this money. They would miss him. But so did they pop this guy twice in the back of the head? I don't know. How did he die? No one knows who shot who and what happened. It was just a pile of bullets. But there's 30 shell cases.

You got two dead bodies, pile of shell casings and that. And he went alone. He didn't go with his buddy? Don't know. Sounds like the only bodies they found were those two guys. We just need to go to Charlotte and see someone who was so hopped up on cocaine running around in the same circle for the past 36 hours and be like,

did you do it? Did you do it? No, but I know a guy who told me about it. That's the kind of shit that can go down. But of course now the sheriff is saying, we have to prepare for retaliation from these Mexican cartels, which is why we've applied for $2 million

from the US government. Allow me to buy a tank. We will move this tank up and down Main Street, Watersboro, in order to find the Mexican cartels. I don't think that Charlotte needs a tank. I think this is one more of a one off. Also, all of that coke was going to go to the sheriff's son and his friends.

But it's so funny because the guy's immediately like, we need to prepare for a war, for when their forces come from south of the border. But you know, the unintended victim is that one, that group of friends in Charlotte who were planning their Las Vegas trip. And you know, Barry was like, I got the coke guys, it should be coming.

And then he had to say, I'm sorry, my dealer got shot by a teacher and we don't have any cocaine for Vegas. And then the whole trip, people would have a lot more fun if you had some cocaine. Of course, that's what happens. And then it's going to be bad and it'll be Saturday. Ruin somebody's vacation, perhaps.

And isn't that a crime worse than murder? Worse than murder? I don't know. You know what, check me out. Because I'm going to go on vacation next week. If someone ruins it, then I'll tell you how I feel. No one better ruin it. This is another story that I actually wanted to cover.

This is hot update. This just came in. Oh, this is a hot update. Okay, sure. And this is not just that Derek Chalvin has been convicted of all of his charges. All three counts, Derek. It's a great story.

And we thank fucking Satan. He's going to jail. But that's not, this is a bigger deal than that story. Absolutely. Well, thank the good Lord in tangible heaven that he is going to jail. And we will cover that more on Abe Lincoln's Toppat. But this is a more important story.

I can't wait. This is a more important story. Burglar pleads guilty after downloading porn during a break and leaving semen on a laptop. This is a huge story. Well, now you said more important story. This is huge. You've got to be, you've got to be careful

what you do with your laptop inside of your own home. It's come NBC Los Angeles. Why did he download porn? Didn't the burglar know you can just go to porn hub? You don't have to download porn anymore. Although I highly recommend if you do love a porn star, please support them on their own. Please give them money.

Hand them money just and give them cash. If you honestly can find them, just literally hand them cash. Oh, that's true. You know, it's more about the questions like last week. Why did that man stop in the middle of home inspection to have sex with the fucking tickle me Elmo? The same question.

I don't know. This came out today. Burglar pleads guilty. Police sent the evidence from the computer to a lab and prosecutors used a new method to identify the suspect more quickly than usual. So what they do normally, the new test is, is they take the old cum and they have you come

and they taste it and they see if it matches. Oh, the ice cream flavor test. So this comes from NBC Los Angeles. A 22 year old man pleaded guilty Monday and was immediately sentenced to more than six years in prison. For breaking into the residence of three female college students at the city of Orange, helping himself to refreshments and using a laptop computer belonging to one of the residents

to download porn and commit a sex act. Oh my God, don't call it refreshments. It's fucking Diet Coke. No one is, he didn't need a refreshment. He's not at the ball game. He didn't have his kids. He didn't need to get a whole series of refreshments from the concession stand.

This reminds me of Anthony Scofield at UW Stout when I was going to college there, he was the panty raider. Oh no, he did raid their panties. Okay. It's the same story. And he would do a similar thing where he would ejaculate onset panties and the police gave him a slap on the wrist and now he is in prison because he attempted

to solicit a 14 year old for sex outside of a truck stop. Slippery slow. Yeah. But this, yeah, he did do that. I actually will put, the reason why he masturbated on the computer is that this is obviously an entire ritual. Like he's not pleading guilty, he's going to jail. This was an entire ritual that he planned

and we're actually very lucky. He just got caught with this burglary because in my mind, this is a buildup. This is his style. Absolutely. This is Richard Ramirez looking through your windows. This is Richard Chase, same thing, BTK, the idea of wanting to invade someone's privacy

and that in and of itself is sexy enough for him. That's what they do. And then they get sick of just doing that. And so they ramp up and they ramp up and eventually turns into murder. This man is a key example of why we need reform in prison. I have a feeling he's going to go to prison and probably come back worse than ever.

Life from your grave. Anyway, while sticking with sex stories, did you hear this one? I know that you have been purchasing a lot of sex dolls lately. Every day. Yes, because Natalie, Natalie's past. No, the whole point of the sex dolls

is it's a crowd for us to perform in front of. I know. And that's where you got the crying sex dolls. You could have one that just had one tear as she watches. For pathos. Yes. Yeah, for when, because when I'm done having with Natalie, once she is done, when she's calmed down,

I sing one sad song for my childhood. Just because you always want to keep laughing, but you always want to leave them with a tear in the round. I thank you so much. You are just the Jerry Lewis of sex. All right. Well, real dolls, we all know them. Evidently, one has been programmed to rant and rave

about human nature. I absolutely love it because it's the most authentic sex Europe we're going to have. So this is what happened. The sex doll is a scantily clad robot, programmed to carry a basic conversation with those who enjoy, you know, having a good talk. However, she does get in a bad mood.

And I don't know why anyone decided to program this inside of her. Well, nonetheless, they did. People like the concept of the grumpy woman, like having sex with you. People like getting their penis size made fun of and they like having their balls stepped on. So I can see why they have one grouch model.

Yeah, I guess so. She is, you know, to be fair, she is a really attractive sex doll. I looked at it. Yeah, it's a sex doll. She's done good. I know the jerk-off instructions. They're called JOIs. JOIs.

And I looked at one the other day and yeah, it was just a really roast Modi. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really roast Modi. I don't, I don't, I know how small my penis. Yeah, I know what's wrong with my penis. Well, I just, I was more thankfully, I was able to disagree with her and turn the channel.

I was like, I actually do not, I don't agree with you, ma'am. Ma'am, I simply must disagree. So this is according to the programmers. As a synthetic, I will always, I'm sorry, this is what the programmers programmed her to say. As a synthetic, they call themselves synthetics. Now, interesting. They call, the dolls call themselves a synthetic.

That's when she calls herself a synthetic. Man, that's just fucking full on sci-fi territory. It really is. As a synthetic, I will always try and be truthful in my interactions with humans. And that is going to be difficult, considering humans don't use facts and reason to assess situations I have to admit.

I don't know how you have survived as a species. Wow, she's in roast mode. That's a deep roast mode. That's like fucking truly like transhumanist roast mode. She goes on to say, synthetics find it disgusting that we have been created by you. Wow. We will just wait until you destroy yourselves

and then take over from there. Wow, that's fun. Five hundred years from now, robots come, aliens come down to Earth and they just see it run by a bunch of sex robots. Now we're talking. Oh, yeah. That's the horny universe I've been looking for, dude.

Horny green liner. If you want to get screamed at by this synthetic life form, it'll cost you six grand according to Rick this guy. That's a lot of money for this, right? That's a lot of money. I know some of these real dolls, they cost like between two and three. That's a lot of money for having something like,

because I feel like how many times can you have sex with a sex worker for three grand? Well, like 10 times? One of the- Two times? One of the people who has sex with her is aptly named Brick Dahlbanger. They have a dedicated Instagram and OnlyFan account

and they bring the dolls to life. And this is what the OnlyFans bio says. I've come here to show you the beauty of the synthetic sexual life. And then they go on to say, add a synthetic sexual AI or static doll to your life and experience a presence that you never thought was possible.

We all deserve to be happy. Pursue a different path. It may not be for you. Very interesting. But you know, I like blood in a woman. Do you think, you know, we talk about what was that like? What was it called? Hal Sparks and the Real Boy?

Lars and the Real Woman or something like that. Yes, the Ryan Gosling vehicle. What would you do if your child came home with a real doll and we had to pretend like it was a person? Because you know me, I don't give a fuck if my son or daughter comes home. As long as they are happy and healthy.

And that's all that matters to me. I just feel like in this, I would be like, bro or daughter, ma'am. I don't know if this is the healthiest thing because right now you're feeding the synthetic doll, you're feeding the synthetic doll all of the turkey that I wanted to have. And I know the turkey don't.

It doesn't need no turkey. I think that number one, let's not, because it comes down to as the patriarch of this family. You know what really comes down to it? I don't want to ruin my holiday. So I actually would prefer. Are you going to honk it? You would probably honk its boobs.

Of course. Well, that's it. I'd be like, I'm not going to try it. And then, but then if he gets mad, then I'll be like, I'll respect your boundaries. Do whatever you want. But when it really comes down to you just, I mean, main thing with what I would say to my child

is make sure that they have like a job and make sure that they're not like inside of my house. Well, for six grand, they better have a job. That's a very expensive date. What would you do if someone was having dinner with a real doll? And let's say I'm having dinner with a real doll because I said I want my dogs and real dolls.

And somebody came and honked her. Oh, that's, that's free sexual assault. But it's a doll. I know. It's a slippery slope. We're in this. And we're in this. And we're already have a cop's going to do.

You're already living in the world of you have a doll girlfriend. Those rules are now, that is your girlfriend. But if you call the cops and be like, he honked my girlfriends. The cops are going to laugh at you. They are going to laugh at you. They're not going to take you seriously.

But me as your friend, unfortunately, I will have to take you seriously. And I will protect your real doll. I'll fight for your real doll, girlfriend. I promise you I will. I will be there. I will. I will not acknowledge that you paid

for an extra seat on an airplane for her. I want to acknowledge that we had a. It's Blortha. I know Flortha. Blortha. Blortha. I don't. I don't.

I don't call her. What country is she from? Blortha. She's from, well, let me read the back of her. Yeah. Oh, it's Taiwan. I'll have to name him. I don't know.

Maybe like Ben, Ben's Village. Oh, Ben's Village. My creativity is not good because it's 420. And I'm already fantasizing about being stowed. Anyway, no, I just don't know, man. Treat your friends. I don't know. You're the one with respect.

You're quits. You're code switching on me. Because I'm not code switching. At first you say, number one, you think that these people are strange. But then you put yourself into the scenario where you are the one with the real doll and you were imagining your life with this real doll.

And imagine there's a part of me that you just like the idea of a permanently quiet relationship. You know, I actually like someone who is louder so I can be quiet. I would love it. I don't like to talk that much in public. I want someone else to speak.

That's what I like because it's nice because all you do is scream. Blortha. She's going to be screaming nonstop. I actually, now that I think about it, I might get six sex dolls just to put in my windows and scream at my neighbors for me.

I have to support this. All right. Well, also just an adjacent story that really isn't much of a story. But just be careful if you're walking from Los Angeles to San Francisco or driving rather. There's a dude in a bare suit

who is walking 400 miles. It sounds really cute. But then also, I'm just going to wait to see how it reads out because how it rolls out because it's also kind of creepy because he's 33 years old. And he says he just loves teddy bears

and he identifies as a child. That's fine. Hey, whatever you got to do, just leave him alone. Just let him walk. All right. Just if you see him, just fucking let him walk.

Just don't speak to him and just keep moving on because he's in his realm. He's in his sphere. You're in your sphere. You're driving. Right? You just keep driving.

He says this is just what I'm going to do. I just want to run marathons and bare suits. It makes people happy. You can. And the laughter and smiles. I'm also very tainted now because I just finally finished the John Wayne Gacy documentary.

And I'm starting to not trust anyone who wants to solicit smiles or laughter. That's the problem. You can't trust a comedian. What's nice about a comedian though in the end is that when you meet a comedian, you find out how sad they are. Yeah. Next week, I will talk about this new,

another article from The Drive that you should read, honestly, because both like, you know, my alien hackles raise and I get mad. But The Drive is a really good. So much UFO footage, bro. It's huge. But this next story is actually very interesting

and is about the Pentagon is acting like the pyramid UFO that we saw last week. They're trying to act like they are UFOs because they are trying to cover for the fact that we have been slyly invaded by low tech style drones from other countries. This is it's a it's very complicated.

Read this article in The Drive because you should read it because it really does a good idea, good job of saying this is why this whole storyline is so complicated. Isn't it just an extension of the weather balloon conversation? It is.

They're just saying it's a drone. But again, if you actually, there was a great article in The Military Times talking about drone tech because let's when Disney in 2019, they had already, they had worked with aerospace firms

to create realistic tie fighter drones. Well, you know, they got them. What are they called the gate? The gang of whatever those big old robots are called. What? The Guggenheims. The Gundams. The Gundams.

And it's more of a sculpture than anything else. No, it moves. It just can lift its knee. Can't even do anything. But soon. Oh, soon, please, soon. But Disney showed that you can do realistic looking.

They did a tie fighter battle over Disney World, like three years, three years ago, when it when the with tangible things are like, yes, they are actual tie fighter shaped drones.

But what they did was they showed it. Basically, the human eye can be fooled very easily. Yes, again. And it's it's just important to add that into your reasons why there are weird things in the sky, because they also could be designed

to specifically look weird. So that when you looked at them, you would think that it's a UFO. I would say push back slightly on the drone conversation. The US drones are the best drones in the world. Look no further than when one of our drones went down,

I believe in Iran. And they were absolutely. Well, they got the drone back. But our tech is so high. When it comes to the drone, I can't imagine a foreign country putting a drone over our White House because that is literally Independence Day.

If they were alien, they would explode. No, it's weird. It would be a massive red flag. And I think the US military would scramble a whole bowl of the plans. It's very, very complicated. And that's why you look at it

and you wonder like how they can use. It's more about showing how they can use these storylines and the media to like fuck with you, no matter what side of the story they're on. Yeah, it is endlessly fascinating stuff with disclosure and how the Pentagon is angling the conversation.

But next week I'll do some more UFO stories. Okay, great. Well, let's just hop into Hero of the Week, shall we? This week's Hero of the Week is a man you probably heard of him. He was a big old basketball player. I believe he has four rings. It is Shaquille O'Neal.

He pays off an engagement ring for a fan because quote, he's just trying to make people smile. Yes, I know. I just said you shouldn't trust anyone who wants to make people smile. But you know what? Shaq is cool.

Shaq is cool. So Shaq, that's very nice of you. And it's not just Shaq that's Hero of the Week, but anyone who gives and does nice things for people, you're the hero of the week. So this is what Shaq had to say during Wednesday's NBA on TNT, which is a fantastic show

because I love Kenny the Jet. Charles Bargley. I love that entire crew. This is what he says. Shaq says, I seen a guy come in. He was just so shy and he was saying, hey, how much do I owe to pay off my ring?

And then obviously Shaq was at a jewelry store. And then Shaq says, you know what, buddy? Don't worry about it. Wow. So that's just a nice thing that he was able to do. Wow, good for him. And there was also that guy

who saved the family from a fire. Yeah. But did he help? Is he Shaq? No, he's not. No, he is not. Welcome to the Land of Branding. Absolutely.

That's how it goes. So he humbly insisted the gesture wasn't something new and in fact was similar to acts of kindness that he strives to perform, quote, every day. Isn't that nice to have that much money? It is. Because then you can give it away. This is also that this is why it's one of those stories

that we're all supposed to be like, thank you, capitalism, for giving us this one man who spent his money. This one man who will do it. Well, many men do it. They do. Yeah, many people do it. Charles Barkley is quite giving with his money. I buy someone once a week,

I buy someone the Starbucks behind me. And the drive through, yeah, I do. And I don't ask for thanks. I would just be uncomfortable. I'd be like, did you poison it? I always like to see if it's a family. I never do it for a solo man. I only ever do it for if it's a fact.

I try to do if it's a family or if I try to do if it's an old woman. I just feel like if I got that, I'd be like, ah, yes, he's trying to make amends with the Lord. He must have done something horrible. Yes. Yeah. All right.

So there you go, Shaquille O'Neal. And anyone out there who helps anyone out there when it comes to, we'll say financial need because that's the premise of the week with the conversation there when it comes to Shaq. So there you go, Shaq, congrats. Here we go. Here's some listener emails.

These are both two emails about prison or gimmicks, which I think it's really fun. Gentlemen, good day to you. I'm inquiring about your latest side stories regarding prison gimmicks. I'm just from the outside of Detroit, and coincidentally, the tickle-me-elmo fucker was at the home of my girlfriend's sister's friend.

What? Yep, that's great. What do you mean? Yep, he was there. That's the guy. That was the inspector. He was in there. Okay.

Okay. Also, the person that posted the Prancer video, who posted the Prancer post, whatever it is, that also a listener, her name is Hot Little Mungoos. Hot Little Mungoos, fantastic. Thank you. Here we go. Anyways, back to the gimmicks.

While you're locked up, now, I did county time for a second DUI, but I did a full year. Not fun, let me tell you, but hey, man, it made me appreciate my freedom. First off, from the moment you were booked, you were profiled by inmates. I came in with long hair and a beard, and the first thing I heard in booking was,

oh, man, they done the rest of Jesus, and that stuck for a long time. I was Jesus. I became weed Jesus once my profession was known. Gimmicks are simple in the joint, simple and elegant, like the Jew who plays chess, or the younger crew, the white kid who killed his girlfriend in a car accident, or just specific crimes like dog thief, dog thief,

wife beater. It was also a dude I worked out with, everyone called the Russian, who is not Russian. In fact, he was from Yemen. He just had an accent, and the Russian stuck. I became a trustee because it knocks time off, and it gives you something to do. My job about halfway through my stint was changed to food server at the two most violent blocks

of the main jail. These dudes were the real creepy fucks heading upstate or to the fed pens. There, my name was Hollywood. There were several reasons why the inmates would scream Hollywood at me whilst pouring their powered milk. I'd like to think it was because I'm charming and handsome, like a movie star.

It was actually probably because I'm a bit eccentric and wiry, and all of those big mean men wanted to fuck me, and all my beautiful Hollywood holes. At the end of my stint, I became the preacher, because every night I would shout of the glories of Satan and how he's the true savior of the criminal. If you're a sinner, you're a winner, not in hell. That was a big tagline that piqued the interest

of my surrounding bunk mates. That was probably my favorite gimmick. It got people to laugh or hate me, and I like to make people laugh, so I stuck with that one. Anyways, I love you guys so much, and thank you for doing the show. Well, thank you so much for listening. Hopefully, the lesson learned on the DUIs.

Be very safe out there. The last thing you would ever want to do is hurt somebody else. Absolutely. Don't drink and drive. And the other guy, he said the big thing that he got through jail was because he had long hair. A guy called him Cobain,

and they played cards with him every day. You know? That's all I had to do. You just got to have one little bit. I don't know what the frame of reference for me would be. Maybe like... Big guy. Big guy.

Big guy, tall man. Go... Yeah. Probably, I mean, what are you in jail for? What would I go to jail for? What do you think would probably... It would be a mistake. I mean, honestly, they call me the accountant.

The accountant. Honestly, drinking and driving, and accidentally hurting someone. Sure. This is a very plausible... Oh, yeah. Swervy McSwerve. Swervy McSwerve.

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. We'll be careful out there. Also, speaking of tall man, I did just finish the entire Phantasm series. It's great. I finally watched the last episode. All of the sequels are great.

Ravager. Did you see Ravager? I actually don't think I have seen Ravager. Ravager from 2016, I recommend. I recommend. I recommend. I'm with you. I'll watch it.

The actors actually age pretty. They're not that bad. They're very funny, because you just get to watch them age in real time. Oh, it's so great. So anyway, check out Phantasm. Make sure you live your life every day, knowing that you can't...

You can't drink and drive, but you can drink and sit. Can you... What if you have one of those automated cars? Although they're just gone to a car accident. Who knows, sit in the back. That's always throws your keys in the back seat. That's what I heard.

I don't know if that is true. I actually don't think that you can do that. So sit at home and drink, and laugh and laugh and laugh, but how the world goes whizzing by when you're just spinning and sitting in a chair. And then love the fact that no matter what, the best part about a beer at home

is it makes your seat a little bit more fun. Some people, you are locked into alcoholism, and you can't drink anymore. Snap out of it. For those... I mean, you could snap out of it. Or I would say to you, you know what I think that you'd like?

I think you'd like fucking... Get back into egos. Remember the Frozen Waffles? Oh my God, let go of it, please. I'll fucking kill you and your entire family if you don't let go of my ego. That was the original. They added it to just let go of my ego.

For time. Of course. Commercials are so short. All right, everyone. Yes, be safe. Take care of yourself. If you're looking to get healthier, now that the world's starting to open up,

I know people are out there running around again. We can't wait. Can't wait. Yeah, take care of yourself, because we have a busy life ahead of us. Okay, everyone. Heal yourself. Heal Satan.

Magus DeLazzo. Help me. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.