Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Day of Reckoning

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: Papa John's day of reckoning, a feces attack, a bodybuilding senior citizen strikes back, and MORE.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last top cast on the left. Side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. I'm just seeing these side stretches that I'm doing. I do see those side stretches you're doing. Yeah. Opening up the guts for some fucking jam and some food inside of my fucking holes this week, man. Absolutely. It gets so food horny at the beginning of a week. Sometimes I do that. You get food horny? I sit and I'm eating one meal and I know that I have a specifically planned other big meal that's coming in the future. Wait. You know it's coming. You cheat on the meal that you're eating by fantasizing about another meal? Emotionally cheating. Not

physically cheating. But I sit and I do and I think and I get kind of a titter. I have a titter inside of me. Just knowing that I'm going to have some because Jackie's making some Mac and Chee, which I'm excited for. And we're going to brain a turkey. Oh, and I'm watching these videos on Deep Fryer in Turkey. I might convince Jackie to try it. Yeah. Great. Oh, God, I'm just getting so fucking big for it. Well, indeed you are. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben Kissel, hanging out with Henry Zabrowski. On this week's Abe Lincoln's Top Pad, I actually talked about factory farming and what's going on regarding a treatment of dogs in this country. You did an episode about dogs being grounded into food for Thanksgiving. No, the dogs are

grounded into food. Oh, we asked for is a break from all of this horseshit for several days. And I know, yes, it's there's genocide in Thanksgiving. Yes, I get it, man. Yes, you know what the only thing I'm genocide in this fucking Thursday? Sides, mashed potatoes and stuffing. Okay, Brussels sprouts. You know what? Because I'll put it this way. I am not liberating the Brussels sprout mill that's going on in Jackie's kitchen this week. Unfortunately, maybe that doesn't make me a fucking savior, but I can't be a savior every day in a GD week. All right, Thanksgiving, the one day or year you're allowed to be ignorant, you're ignorant. And that's okay. No, I mean, I say I invite every Native American I see to dinner. Uh huh, I'm sure that doesn't horrify them. No,

and the way you could tell, ah, God, can you even say that it's because they're wearing feathers. But nowadays, because of Coachella culture, Coachella culture has spread the indigenous person look into deep into white women's lives. Hipster cultural appropriation is a very real thing and I must end now. I also notice there's a big thing in New York with the hipster clothing. It's very specifically it's a New York look where they like to dress like a 1920s painter or workman. They're fetishizing people who have to work for a living. Yes, absolutely. I would say that about the overalls look. You are fetishizing somebody whose job is I believe farmers wear overalls so they could because I think the proper way to tech of corn is ripe as by rubbing your dick on it. Yeah, I

don't know. I don't know. We'll ask Marcus. I'm not certain. No, I really don't know, but I would assume there's something like that. But I agree with you. Stop dressing like you're a 1920s painter because we all know you're a 2019 out of work unemployed person who is siphoning money from their parents. Come on. Technically not. I mean not out of money. Whoever are because those workmen's clothes cost quite a bit of money. It takes a lot of money to dress like you paint houses for a living in New York City. I mean, I guess, but they may do make money. People who paint houses. They do and there's nothing wrong with being a house painter. I was a house painter in college. I lasted one full summer. Turns out not very good at painting and I don't like heights. So that was quite

scary for me. But how do you put on a hat then? Man, it's like I'm not going to be with you on Thanksgiving and but I feel like I am. But I was your resume for painting houses. Did you just paint one of your legs and say there's a driveway? Well, you don't paint driveways. But speaking of food, Henry, did you see what's going on with Papa in the house? Papa John? Papa John is wet and struggling. He is losing it. He is soaked. I guarantee you he is hoarding weapons. He is close to a mass shooting when he said the word. So we're referring to Papa John himself. What is his real name? Papa John Schneider. Yeah, John Schneider Schneider Schneider. Yeah, he did a what he called it sort of like an exclusive personal revealing interview for what I believe is WDR

Bay news and which he said a lot of stuff that's pretty puzzling. And the reason why we're covering this on side stories is because we kiss Len I are both pretty certain Papa John is about to fucking take it to the streets. Yes, this is this is pre Papa John crime. This is pre Papa John crime because he is pissed off. And the funny thing is you won't be able to obviously see it because this is audio. We're going to play a 25 second clip here. But he is no longer the CEO of Papa John's and the reason why that is but he still dresses like he is he still wears the red shirt and the khakis because he won't let it go. He won't let it go. He he was fired. It was let go from his own company for saying a racial slur on a recorded conference call a conference called

all his people. He was role playing. That's what he said he was wrong. But I don't want to talk about the nature of character on this show. I don't want to talk about in in reference to Papa John because I resent his role playing. I agree role playing stance because some of us and his Browsky have role played in the past. Let's get into this conversation that he had. And again this is why he is on the Zabrowski Kissel detective radar crime watch crime watch pre crime watch. Let's listen I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days. Livy currently in Mark Shapiro should be in jail. He has no pizza experience. He's never been in the pizza category. I would just say stay tuned. The day of record will come. The record will be straight. Why not set the record straight down.

I mean what is it about the record that's not straight. Stay tuned. What does that even mean. This clip comes from a Twitter account at Bubba Prague on the Internet. I can't speak to it else but this is where this clip was lifted from. Number one breaking this down. We've covered every single serial killer every major serial killer. Now we're on to people like Haddon Clark. He is eating 40 pizzas in 30 days. To me this is gearing up for berserker mode. What he is doing think about how scary this is. Right. Your boss is fired. This is like you're at any job. Let's say you work for I don't know. Sitco. What. Sitco the gas station. I always wanted to do that. You work for Sitco the gas station. Your boss says the N word to everybody at work. It is fired. He now is

arriving at the gas station 40 times within 30 for 30 days to test the taste of the gasoline to see it's the same. Right. I don't know if that's the exact analogy but it's the boss keep showing up being like could help and notice that all your jerky is completely unorganized by spicy and put it by pork and put it by chicken. He keeps coming because he says he's doing quality control on Papa John's since the helm was taken from him. Yes. So it reminds me a little bit of the first Rambo movie where yes he left Vietnam but Vietnam did not leave him and Papa is just he has not gotten the net. He's like the girl from from Wayne's World where it's like we broke up three months ago. You just have to stop eating all of our food. Well he keeps showing up. Number one can

you imagine the delivery driver because at this point I imagine same route. You're seeing him quite often. Oh yeah. You know it's Papa John's because he's got a shirt on that says Papa John. Yep. You know it's him. Definitely. You have to deliver the same pizza to Papa John who answers the door soaking wet. I don't know why soaking wet in this interview. He is literally he looks like he just did the ice bucket challenge. Yes. He is soaked but it's not. So thank you so much for delivering this. Tell me you give me that extra garlic butter and there's like I asked for. Yeah. Yeah. It's always in there Papa. Can I correct you guys actually. He's not wearing a shirt that says Papa John's. It says Jeff baseball. So he is not in the company anymore but he is still wearing the

company colors because he bleeds well read like all of us. I think that might be his new name is Joe baseball. That might be what he orders under is Jeff baseball. He's like there's no way to catch me now. Two chiefs pizzas for John Schneider. Actually the name is Jeff baseball. I'm an anonymous citizen living in this pizza shaped mansion. Yeah. I mean I obviously couldn't tell that this is the Papa John's compound which is a giant J all pizza colored. Yeah. You're prettier than some of the other delivery boys. They send them my way. You must be trying to get on good terms. I'm getting back in. Papa John. I'm so close to being back in. I'm going to be slinging pizzas with all my favorite races. Each race is my favorite. I'm trying to reverse it. Come on. Papa John Henry

says he is wet and he is wet but he's also a don't. I think he's covered in a sheen. It's a Vaseline sheen that he is wearing and now his mask his face looks like he's wearing a mask because he had so much plastic surgery and then the fact kind of grows around it. It is really astonishing. It's a thing. People are leaving stuff on the floor. Do you know what I mean? They're leaving money on the table when I get that garlic butter. I know it's recuperating factors it has towards the human skin which is why I absolutely slaughter myself. So I'm absolutely delectable to passersby and I get that moist realness to my skin that only those healthy boys can have. I mean you know he does look like an Italian 10. He does look like he's covered in garlic butter and I want to lick that sweet

face of his. But then so he goes on he's eating 40 pizzas in 30 days berserker mode getting his calories, getting his cheese, getting his proteins and getting his carbs. Do you think he's just on a treadmill eating pizza? Like just insane. He's going to ruin the day. They're going to ruin the day and every day with the record it's coming. Have you think at some point that he probably will have a piece of pizza that actually does hit his quality marker and then he freaks out like smashing the mirrors in his home. Just being like, you're getting close to my secrets. You're getting close. You should be in pizza jail. The other one of them should be putting pizza in Guantanamo Bay and you should have things put inside of themselves like I did in training school.

Absolutely. That is his mindset right now. A day of reckoning is coming. A day of reckoning is coming. It's coming. When have you ever said that? Like a day of reckoning is coming. Is the precursor to every single mass atrocity that has ever happened in the world? I'm not going to not say I haven't said it like real drunk alone in a hotel room by myself before. Like I think I have definitely said it looking out onto some city. Just day of reckoning is coming for each one of you. But I do that just to make myself feel better. I would never say it to a reporter. No, especially once the reporter does know that you are in distress. You are angry. You were the former CEO. You did start this entire company. You are Papa John. So I understand for him.

He's just like, no, without me, there is no Papa John's. I think he's going to go. It's not going to be mass shooting. It's going to be mass bombing of Papa John's. It's going to be some weather underground stuff. It's going to get crazy and everyone is going to know it's him. He is like a super villain. He's just one of those guys who seems to be like I think especially if you're in this area, like I imagine it's like he shows up everywhere. It's like the manager is from one Papa John's is at the grocery store and he just happens to see there's Papa John, full Papa John's outfit on fucking chef's hat at the various vegetables being like I'm doing quality control on the vegetables trying to see if they're up to par for proper Papa John usage.

It's been like, sir, please leave me alone. You're like, no, we're asleep and it looks so comfortable. Sometimes I just want to crawl in there and I want to sleep with you. Please just give me. Do you have any garlic butter on you? Ooh, I mean, they always do say true, like we're CEOs technically, but we're not Papa John, right? I think to get to that level of pizza success, you have to be a sociopath. I don't know, man. And so now you've just taken away the only thing that alleviated his sociopathy. I think he's on the loose. The only person that I can really point towards who is another pizza magnate is Herman Cain.

Herman Cain is the last man of his stature to make. I mean, I guess he was vaguely almost president. That's pizza money. You know what I mean? He's another pizza lord. But he's still in charge of Godfather's pizza. That's still Herman Cain. I think that Herman Cain, though, kind of understands it. Knows that Papa John's, number one, Papa John is bringing shame upon the pizza industry as a whole. Unfortunately, he is doing bad shit and he's further embarrassing himself. And I wouldn't be surprised to see Herman Cain fucking suicide Papa John. Really?

Suicide him. You think so? I could see either Papa John is going to do a systematic terrorist affront on every single Papa John that exists or Herman Cain is going to epstein him inside of his own home. But he'll do it real embarrassing like they found him with a fucking vacuum tube up his asshole to get some kind of weird sucking thing out of his asshole and it pulled all his guts in there. That could happen and it is possible that Papa killed Epstein. We don't know. We don't know what Epstein knew. We don't know.

What I would give to find that out to be true. Yeah. I'd quit everything. I'd quit everything and become a traveling troubadour just singing folks up. If that was real. That's just the best story that ever existed. What's even the purpose? I'll just sing the story from town to town so that everyone knows how much it inspired me. All you need is a soapbox and a story of Papa John's killing Jeffrey Epstein.

You heard it here first folks on side stories if that does turn out to be the case. But if you do get a chance, Herman Cain, listen to him on YouTube singing Imagine There's No Pizza. It's the greatest song of all time. There's no pizza. It's not easy if you try honestly every time I do a cry myself to sleep. It's... Herman Cain is a great voice. And I saw him.

Oh no, that's Herman Cain. Yes. Because Herman Cain did Imagine There's No Pizza. Yes, it was incredible. I saw him over at, what was I doing? Fox News and I went up to him and I was like, that song makes me smile. And he looked at me very confused, like I was making fun of him and I kind of was. But I also was very authentic because when I am very sad I play Imagine There's No Pizza and he does a great job.

So if you're sad, this Thanksgiving, because you don't like your family, listen to that and makes you feel better. Or you listen to the Poppy Mill episode of the Abe Lincoln's Top Hacker in fucking Thanksgiving. Alright, well let's move on. Alright, it just has a producer. I didn't even think about it because I don't believe in celebrating all of these so-called holidays. This is getting sadder and sadder. I'm going to try to make you feel better by, I will admit, so there was a little brief before we get into another story. Ben Kissel for a brief moment on last podcast and left.

Now that he hasn't been right before. Sure, sure. I'm going to go ahead and say officially, I apologize. Wow. I apologize to you. Wow. Ben Kissel for yelling at you and saying that you were incorrect about saying, I don't think you're ready for this jelly. It was not in fact from J.Lo, but from Beyonce.

That's correct. That's what I said. You were correct. Wow, this is amazing. When I thought was happening was I thought that you said that Beyonce was what J.Lo meant, which is why I was so concerned for your mental well-being. And wondering if you had ingested quite a bit of carbon dioxide from whatever, choking yourself while you're masturbating. Well, carbon dioxide I don't think is that bad. You want carbon monoxide.

That's the bad one. I don't know. But anyway, so I thank you, Henry, I appreciate, I accept your apology. And now we can, if we can get to the other 3000 reasons to apologize, we can do that over the years. Never. Okay, great. No, I actually thought that was uncomfortable to ever do that again. I was accidentally correct about pop culture from 1997, which is something I shouldn't even know.

It does not matter if I know this information. I'm pretty happy for you though. J.Lo and A-Rod are a beautiful couple. And my friend served A-Rod at a bar recently and she said he was very quiet and very nice. Alright, so what story do we- What an inspiring story. That's incredible. What do you want to talk about first, Henry, other than Papa John's potentially being a serial killer?

We have a couple of fucked up stories that popped up in the news. One was this story that I'll just say that this is again, you know, happy Thanksgiving. You guys are around with your family and your friends. Yeah. And you're ready to share some things that you learned from this week. Like this story, they came from Berks Regional News WFMZ TV about a man who killed a couple with a hammer and you set himself on fire. He also killed all the dogs and the cats in the house. This is really brutal stuff.

So it was a murder suicide. Yeah, it was a murder suicide. It's from Reading, Pennsylvania. A guy from the county couple died inside their home after being hit multiple times with a hammer by a third person who then died after setting himself on fire inside a nearby garage, according to Pennsylvania State Police, who revealed new details in the case during a news conference streamed live. Joanne DeLuca, 63, and I reread 60 were found dead late Saturday afternoon inside their home at 931 Chestnut Street in Union Township. If you want to go look at it and go see what it looks like. I suppose so, but so one of the victims was found dead on the floor and the other one was found in the recliner.

Which is where you'll be found. The one in the recliner, that reminds me of Rob Zombie's Halloween. Do you remember that? Yes. Where baby Michael Myers duct tapes his very abusive father and cuts his throat. I was trying to see Halloween too this week because I watched the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween because again, Kissell and I are essentially Rob Zombie apologists and we love him. I love it. I would say I love him, but I couldn't find Halloween too anywhere.

This is taken away from the story. So what they just said was the man didn't even die from the flames. Geez. He covered himself in some form of flammable substance and it looks like he died of smoke inhalation. But why did he do this? No one seems to really know. Also, I think it was one of those. This is probably where the beginning of one of those Snickers commercials.

He was angry. Yeah. He could be and turns out the whole time he was Joe Pesci. This is according to the police. They say one of our veteran investigators said it was the worst crime scene he's ever seen inside the house. This is according to Lieutenant Scott Brennan. He said the dogs, and this is again because two dogs and two cats were killed. He said the dogs had their throat slit and the cats were stomped.

Police said they had no record of having been dispatched to the house for problems in the past. So it's just like, this is be careful with your friends and your family this weekend on Thanksgiving. You never know when an aunt or an uncle is going to snap and all of a sudden they got a hammer. But if someone's not holding a nail standing by a piece of wood, that hammer is going into your head. What big thing is, is that because of the holiday, instead of immediately shooting them in the head in case of the entire family's armed at dinner, I'd say give them a shot and dress them to the ground and get the hammer away from them. And then ask him, hey, what are you thankful for? Because sometimes when I am incredibly upset, it's really, really important to remember, what are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for that you paid me to the ground and took this hammer from me because I was going to do something I was going to regret. Number one, I'm also thankful for, I love barstool sports. This is your uncle. I was saying, just remember what you're thankful for this year and then maybe if you're really feeling it, like if you're feeling the urge, like you had a dream that you were playing whack-a-mole with your entire family with a hammer, just fucking lock up the hammers or take a couple of hammers and throw them in the lake. Just get rid of the hammers. It seems like, and they don't have the identity of the perpetrator fully figured out yet,

but it seems like it's most likely DeLuca's adult son who lived with the couple. You also, at some point, parents out there, and I'm not victim blaming whatsoever, but at some point, parents out there, get your kids out. You got to kick your kids out of the house. Well, that's going to be so scary, like, because we've talked about this in the past, like people that are, like, that the I am Adam's mother and all that came out of, and the idea of like, you're with your child who you love and you're desperately trying to take care of. And you are elderly and you're living with this person who maybe, eventually,

and you don't understand maybe just why yet, but you're becoming afraid of your son. Right. What do you do about that shit? When he's just going down there with a candle up saying, Say how easy is this candle up to explode, mom? Dad? Like, when he's doing that in the kitchen, like, what do you do about this kid? You got to call up Papa John and be like, can my son be CEO again?

Because having him around the house is scary as hell. Oh, my God. Honestly, that would be so scary. Like, this is the type of people that Papa John is going to fucking pull together like a, like the penguins army. It really was. These are the type of people that Papa John is going to single out where he's going to, You remember how many times I saved you?

I saved you from those angry feelings from late night, or late night out, or late night just thinking about how you want to kill everybody with a hammer? Yes, Papa, yes. He's like, come and join my Armageddon. Come and join the tidal wave that's going to wash all over this world. I could see the Papacult springing up any time now. That's the day of reckoning is coming. That was straight up walking Phoenix in Joker.

That was a sentence that every supervillain has uttered at some point. We live in a society. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Well, speaking of disgusting things to talk about with your family, we also have a situation going on in Toronto right now, which we are going to actually be in very, very soon.

And you know what? The story is getting me so excited to be there. Oh, my God. So please are investigating three separate incidents where a man dumped buckets of liquefied fecal matter on just random people. This is like one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a long time. They are diarrhea attacks. They have taken place in the last week.

Maybe this man has been eating too much Papa John. I don't know. But he dumped a bucket of liquefied fecal matter on three people and then he just sprinted away. I guess all empty from the fact that his dookie is no longer inside of his body. The man is described as a black male in his 30s. He has a medium build. He's wearing a yellow hard hat, a blue shirt and gloves. He reportedly left behind his orange Home Depot bucket.

Whoa, wait a second. He wore gloves? He's wearing gloves because he's holding feces. He does understand it's disgusting. That's incredible. He's a super villain. He's wearing gloves that shows premeditation. He knew he was going to get it all over his hands.

It is disgusting. Wow. This is fucking, this is a thought virus gone wild. This is a thought virus out there. Be concerned. Thanksgiving. There's so many opportunities to get an entire family with a bucket of shit. Man, if you got so horny, right, like let's say you were made horny by this, by this idea.

Right. The idea of like spacking a whole family with your, with your liquid shoosh. Right. Can you imagine? See a Nana there and Papu there and fucking, but all the new kids, little Gregory, just turn eight. They'll get their nice sweaters on. You've been doing nothing but drinking cool otters and eating Indian food.

Just fillin' buckets with your rancid diarrhea. And you've been casing this family. And you know, they've had a lot of changes this year. Maria got married. They got a kid on the way. They got, got a fucking, he got a promotion at work. Oh. You know, cousin Benjamin got a deal with Spotify.

He's doing good. All these people are, they're ripe, they're ripe for catastrophe. Right. And just so fucking, that's got to make you so hard to just roll up on that fan. Like think, wear a Papa John's uniform if you want to. If you want to. If you want to. Delivery man.

And then just getting everybody in one go. Oh my, like a Dukie Gallagher concert. That's not good. November 22nd, this dude, he dumped a bucket of feces over the head of a man who was sitting inside the Roberts library at the University of Toronto. Wow. Then he also unloaded feces on a woman there. So it looks like he's going after readers.

So I think we're safe. People did not know what was in the bucket until the odor set in. And then this is a quote. They didn't know until the odor set in. No, this is a quote from an eyewitness. He says the smell hit like two minutes later and it was a real foul smell. He goes on to say it's something like if you were working at a construction site, you know, one of those mobile bathrooms and you just went in there like a very concentrated feces

like smell. No. No. I'm almost saying again, I'm not playing with no victim blames here. You know, you think that they should have smelled it coming. Yeah. In a book. In a library.

You are in a library. You're knee deep in book five of Dune. You're talking about your controversial alien ideas. You are so focused on this book. Next thing you know, you got a Santa Claus, but he ain't bringing gifts. It's bringing duty. Well, the first thing you wonder is being, because like you sit there and you smell them and you're like, somebody has farted.

There's no way that fumes were not coming off this bucket of dookie. I don't know the witness says the dude poured everything out of what looked to be a 20 liter bucket. That is like a lot. That is like, how is that person still alive? If you crap 20 liters, aren't you dead? If I was the mayor of Toronto, I'd up security. Oh, totally.

I think there should be more police presence on the streets of Toronto. Sure. And then maybe we're looking at, or is this a backdoor way to create martial law? I mean, did you see a little bit different, but we talked about this on top. They just renewed the Patriot Act. Yes. This is where it starts. This is where it starts.

More feces attacks on the streets, because that's a good subtle way of getting people scared and wanting the police. Because who would not be offended about getting sprayed with a whole bucket of some homeless person's liquid shit. Or maybe he's got a job. Maybe he's got a home. He definitely hates libraries, that's all I know, because then the other attack was two days later, he stroke at York University of Scott Library around 5 p.m.

He entered the library with a bucket and poured liquefied feces at an unsuspecting man sitting at a table before he ran away. At some point, don't they have a security guard? Like, you know, at Sam's Club, the security guards, let me see your receipt. Let me make sure you got everything you're not stealing stuff. At some point, isn't there a security guard at these libraries that's been like, what's in the bucket? They're just checking library cards.

They're not fucking packing. They're not strapped with shit. And if you're the 90-year-old woman that's checking library cards, the thing, you really gonna secret service yourself between, you got, like maybe you got a knitting class to go to. I ain't got time to get fucking liquid shit all over this nice Christmas sweater I got that I'm trying to impress my knitting group with. You gotta take the bullet.

You gotta take the poo poo bullet in this case. Your security, your front lines. You're the last line of defense to protect the great people of the library trying to steal from us. Legit? Legit? I'd rather get shot or knifed. I would, I would be more likely to jump in front of a person with a gun or a knife

than I would with somebody with a bucket of liquid shit. Hm. Did you just go to the hospital? That's a real-time thing. Yeah. Think about this. Cause you just go to the hospital. A lot of times if you can't, like, you hopefully will not die.

But if you get stabbed a couple of times, you could stab. I mean, it's awful. But you get stitched up. You get some of that shit in your mouth. We don't know what he's weaponized this shit with yet either. Cause you could have hepatitis. He could. I wouldn't have passed him.

He could have something in there. Cause that's a big thing you're saying with the eating butt craze is the more hepatitis is going around. I've heard this myth that they're spreading around. So this is according to the Toronto Police. I mean, I don't know. I feel like bullets really hurt and you could probably, that's tough to say. I don't know.

The Toronto Police spokesman Victor Kwan said the suspect didn't say anything during the attacks. And this is a quote. He said it was a dump and run. Kwan said the victims are obviously disgusted. He also said the police can't provide advice on how to protect oneself from being a victim of a poop related incident. So I was literally like, you know what society this in this case, you're on your own.

You got to handle this. I'll say as the chief of police at Toronto, I think it's really important. If for everybody to get some tactical umbrellas, because that's a really main way. If you really want to figure out a way to defend yourself, I'd get yourself a raincoat. Dude, it is crazy. The cops literally, this is the, the cop continues. There's absolutely nothing we could ever say to someone who is trying to go about their everyday business to prevent something like this from happening.

The cops are literally, this is so Canadian. This is so Canadian in America. It would be like, well, we got a new, we got a poop force. We've got 150 officers on this. These are dookie drones. Yeah, we got dookie drones. And in Toronto, they're just like, oh, that is above our pay grade. Do you remember when that entire town was fucking gripped with fear by the two 17 year olds?

I do. I do. It's the same thing. But I feel, but at least the 17 year olds, the cops are like, oh, we can do something about this, but they are just straight up like, nope, game over. We found a way to destroy all of our communities by poop. I'm just going to say this as our Canadian listeners. You guys need to go out there and defend yourselves against these poopy bandits.

I know that the police, the police have let you down. So what you got to do, start, see a guy walking with a bucket down the street. You got to give him a hard time, especially if he's wearing gloves. Absolutely. And he doesn't look like a construction worker. If he doesn't look, if he doesn't have like a tool belt on with it. If he's just free willing, especially goes, here comes the Duke. Like if he's screaming that, you got to get this guy.

One of you's got to be a hero. What have you got to be a hero? And we need a let's roll moment from a brave citizen of Toronto. We need a united flight 93 moment. This is according to police chief Mark Saunders. He said they're serious offenses. He says, if you can identify the person, please call us. But then he says, until then we suggest avoiding campus libraries.

That's it. It's just don't go to the like, there's been three dukey attacks. And their response is, oh, don't go to the libraries. I guess libraries are now forbidden. You know what they should do? You know what's a real way to do this is to put some of those, what's that drug that you could take that makes you not shit anymore? Heroin.

No. It gets heroin. It's got stuff. There's like anti diarrhea medication. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, yeah, I mean a whole bread, a loaf of bread. No, you got to get a modium.

A modium. I think this is a really good time for the, if the, these various pharmaceutical companies want to step up and show that maybe, maybe we should trust them again. Weaponize a modium in Canada. Like an ammonium spray, like something put it in the water. So is this sort of, is this like glass where we have a man who can obviously shit on command and we need to find a man who has not shat in like five years to take on?

I don't know. Yeah, that could work. That could work. Antithesis. And then we'll see. Yes. This is the beginning of a new and breakable. All right.

So this is, I don't know what the hell is going to happen in Toronto. I can't wait to go. Cannot wait. So buy those tickets to our Toronto show. It might be sold out. I'm not certain. I think, I think it might be sold out. And don't go to the library beforehand because you're going to come to our show

covered in dookie. What if this is Amazon? You think this is an Amazon inspired crime? This is another one. Maybe Amazon's doing the crime. To get martial law, although to be fair with Canadians. To destroy libraries. If 9-11 happened in Canada, they'd be like, well, we just won't have

buildings anymore. Like they wouldn't have, like the U.S. is like patriotic surveil. We're going to screw the Constitution. And in Canada, they're just like, nope. You're not going to want to have a building. I'm sorry. These buildings, anything above seven feet. It's really too vulnerable to be used by terrorists.

So we're going back to underground and we're living in huts. So everybody's sleeping now, lying on the ground. I love it. I have this one, another fucked up story that came out again. Happy Thanksgiving. Missing pregnant Mansfield woman found dead in a parent homicide. This is by W-H-I-O television. By the breaking news staff in Dayton, Ohio.

The body of a missing Mansfield woman was found Monday in an abandoned home on West Stewart Street a few days after her boyfriend was found shot to death in a different house on the same block. So this is very mysterious. There's obviously some details that will come out about this story. The body was that of a 20-year-old Kyla Hayton. Dayton police lieutenant Jason Hall said. And Hayton's death is being investigated as a homicide.

So the other one could say the boyfriend was found missing earlier in the month along with the girlfriend. So they're thinking the girlfriend killed the boyfriend? No clue. She was pregnant. No, it seems like right now a person of interest in the case, 30-year-old Larry Dwayne Rogers was arrested early Saturday morning on unrelated gun charges and is being held in Montgomery County jail.

So we don't know anything about the details of this. It's just highly mysterious to have two different bodies separated in two different abandoned homes. That is crazy. So we'll have to do a follow-up on that after the Thanksgiving holiday and figure out if this guy was the one that did it, I suppose. Yeah, I guess so. It's something fun for after Thanksgiving.

Yep, for after Thanksgiving. Don't pray. For after Thanksgiving. Absolutely. So this next story, I'm not going to include your personal information in this because it's going to be brutal for you. So what I am just going to do is say if you know anything, email us.

I lost my sweet cockatiel Vega on 11-16 in a completely heartbroken and desperately trying to locate her. Would it be possible for you to ask people to keep an eye out for her on the next side stories? She's lost somewhere in Brookhaven, Georgia. She is a pied cockatiel with a yellow head, orange cheeks, and mostly gray and white body. She has a little gray stripe above her right eye

and a dark stripe on her beak. She's offering a $500 cash reward for her return. So if you have any, any information on this, email side stories LPOTL at gmail.com. Please, I know that there will be bits sent to us, but if you really do have information on this lost parrot, I feel like we could help. She has a listing on her.

There's a listing on her on 911 parrot alert.com. I didn't know that existed, but go watch Ace Ventura, learn from the master, and then go find this cockatiel. Yeah, look at Guy's penises in the urinal. It's Vega V as in vagina, E, G as in Greg. In the letter A, Vega. You didn't do anything with the E or the A.

I don't know why I don't ever do that. Huh, interesting. Well, let's just talk briefly, not about real animals, but about the police state that we live in. Cops have, in Massachusetts, cops now have, from Boston Dynamics, the creators of the end of the world, they have a dog-like robot. They're calling it SPOT, but it's not SPOT.

It's not a real dog. It's a demon creature, and they're using this robot, and it is terrifying. It's raising questions from Silver Liberty advocates. The state's bomb squad had SPOT on loan from the Waltman-based Boston Dynamics for three months, starting in August until November, and the documents do not reveal a lot of details

about the dog's exact use, but a state... I've seen the documents. You've seen the documents. They said it's a mobile remote observation device to provide troopers with images of suspicious devices or potentially hazardous situations. This is according to state policeman spokesperson David Procopio.

He says robot technology is a valuable tool for law enforcement because of its ability to provide situational awareness of potentially dangerous environments, a.k.a. the war against the machines has begun, as I have been saying for a long time, and Henry, when you are putting cuffs, when you are getting barked at by one of these

fake robot dogs, very real robot dogs, I think you're going to change your tune about your love of these robot overlords. You know, it's really difficult, right? Because as a citizen of the United States and as a person, I am concerned about law enforcement using robots, but as a sci-fi nerd, I look at this and I get so rage and hard,

my knees start jumping because it is snow crash. That is straight from snow crash. But that's not fun in real life. It is so much fun, idea-wise. It's so cool, idea-wise, because it's starting to happen. All the books that I was reading about are starting to happen for real, and it makes me so excited that that's my problem.

I'm one of those. I get that I'm a part of the problem, but if I am half cyborg, I will begin to truly understand where they come from on their end as well. You're half cyborg. You're never going to be half cyborg. It's never...

But Henry, that's like all the people will be like, I think we got to protect the billionaires. You never know when I'm going to be a billionaire. You're never going to be a half cyborg. That's going to be like Jeff Bezos is... They're going to do it. Elon Musk is already going to do it. I am comfortable with the dissonance

of thinking both sides of understanding in one way. It is very bad for humanity. But also, on the other side, it's fucking rock and roll. Tubular fucking... Give me that nug. Give me that shit.

Want to see that fucking dog dance around. Because it's a cool ass cyber dog. I'll be fucking all about it being in my home as my pet. You wait and tell it sexually assaults Wendy. The goal is just to get the dog, if you can get one on your own and retrofit it so that you have the same tools against the government. I think that's now important.

If we want to talk about straight up robot control, that's where we can get to a whole new world of debate where it's like, what if we as private citizens could also have access to some of these robots? And there is more private companies that will allow us at home to purchase a guard dog robot that we can use to defend against the police state's robots. Well, I don't know if we can afford that at this point

and I don't know if they're going to let us have them. But we'll see. I'm certain that there will be private companies that will see the need for this and begin to create affordable attack robots that you can use in your home, much like you'd use a gun. Is that that so far off? No, I don't think that is that far off.

This robot has a 360 degree low light camera and an arm. I don't remember dogs having an arm like that. Like that can be used to open doors and stuff. But whatever. That's part of building your own dog. Yeah, and this is according to the company. They say, this dog is not intended to physically harm or intimidate people.

Its very existence is indeed intimidating. And then they said, part of our early evolution process with customers is making sure we're on the same page for the usage of the robot. So up front, we're very clear with our customers that we don't want the robot being used in a way that can physically harm someone. Because you know, that's the way the human beings do.

They said it. They said it. All we do is create things that harm people. That is like in our genetic code. I'm just saying it should be equal. If they can have them, we should also be able to have them as people. So part of it is, get on it.

If you're part of a private robotics company, tell us inside stories LPOTL at gmail.com how you plan to go about making these attack robots also acquirable by the human population. We got to be able to get out there and use these robots against them. So for me, as long as I also have an army of robot dogs, and again, everyone's going to say, oh, it's robot dogs.

It's robot dogs. We're not escalating it. Yeah, we're escalating it because it's going one way on the other side. So we have to compete on the other side. We got to do it. Got to get these robot dogs to help attack the other robot dogs. Mutual assured dog destruction.

It ain't right. But this will not be the first time that a dog has actually already killed someone. Remember, the sniper in now, of course, granted, this person was going crazy. But in 2016, this dude who killed the five cops, they used a robot armed with explosives to explode him. So it's already happening.

And let's look no further than that self-driving car who also ran into that woman. This is fucking sweet. It's not good. It's not good. I know it's not, but it's also great. It's not good, but it's also fun as hell. You have such a strange idea of what's fun.

This is just one of the areas where I am more, I am more, this is not even a conspiracy. This is just happening. They're coming for our rights. I know, but we have to get, that's why we got a race to make sure we can acquire these robots. I like the Cybertruck. The Elon Musk Cybertruck, which for some reason,

it looks like it's pixelated. That was not a good roll out. That was not a good roll out. No, you get to drive inside of a car from original PlayStation. Yeah, but I'm not in Twisted Metal. I know, dude, but you can make it Twisted Metal. You're making every day Twisted Metal by scaring people on the road with your Cybertruck.

But you're not John Ritter in the movie Stay Tuned. If you get sucked into the reality, it's a waking nightmare. It's already happening. It's already sliding in. I know that we have to stop it. How do we stop it? I think the Cybertruck... You know what we need to do?

Support the fun aspects of... Buckets full of dookie. Buckets full of dookie. This is what's happening. This is why it's starting to happen. It's starting to come from the ground up. You know what it is? I want...

I love the fun parts of the far future dystopia and don't like the not fun parts. There are fun parts. All of the fun cars. All the fun tech. That's fun. That's the best part about hard sci-fi. Yeah.

Three boobs also. Total recall. Also hit on three boobs. And is that possible? I don't know, but maybe. I'll look at them. Sure. Sure.

Absolutely. All right. All right. Rock the week. Him out. Rock the week. This hero of the week. She's actually...

You know, this isn't so much in jest. She really is. A badass. Yeah, you made a good choice. This is actually like a choice. She is a hero. Yes, she is. She's an 82-year-old.

She works out constantly. She's very, very buff. A man made a horrible decision by breaking into her apartment. She is the world natural power lifting federation's lifter of the year in 2014. Again, 82 years old. She messed up this dude.

So she was just hanging out. She was getting ready for bed on a Thursday night when a man less than half her age rang the doorbell. The dude said he had been shot. So she grabbed her phone to dial 911. Murphy told W-H-E-C,

I'm giving them my address and guess what happens? Boom. He breaks into my house and he's in the living room. So she reached for a TV tray and started wailing on his behind. Yeah, I did.

The intruder grabbed a table and fell backwards and Murphy dumped a bottle of shampoo on his face. Murphy had forgotten about the police dispatcher on the other end of the line, but authorities arrived shortly after and took the man to the hospital. Murphy told ESPN last year

that her three-day-a-week workout routine at Rochester's YMCA included bench-pressing, deadlifts, and strict curls. And so she just beat the hell out of this guy and I think she is the hero of the week. She really is. You saw that once

and she took a good picture with all the cops because they're all like, this lady was a fucking badass. She literally beat the shit out of this dude and gave him to her house, which was pretty great. Willie Murphy, you are this week's hero of the week.

82 years old. Keep at it. Keep on crushing. And I'm just very proud. I just love that this guy is going to end up going to jail and just be like, so how'd you get caught? He's like, oh, home invasion

and then I got my ass kicked by an 82-year-old woman. She just fucking ripped it up. I love her. I love her. All right, Willie Murphy, this week's hero of the week. Here we go.

I got some listener letters. This comes from B. As I was listening to episode sexual liaisons with the alien, I was immediately taken aback about the hair wrapped around the penis. I was surprised to hear this because I am a nurse

and had a patient who came in with the same thing. He was admitted to the hospital for cardiac reasons. This patient had a hair tied in a knot just under the head of his penis. The hair had caused an ulcer to form

all the way around his penis and caused a hole underneath, deep enough, to see into his urethra, which we found out by placing a foley catheter and could see the catheter through the hole.

No one could understand how this happened. Now I wonder, was it aliens? I don't know. But the reality is that this man was a registered sex offender. He had many mental illnesses

and we found many more hairs tied during his stay. So it's safe to say he was tying them himself. Oh, God, okay. It's not always aliens. Is that what we're learning today? Not always.

Sometimes it's something worse than that. So here we go. This is a really interesting story. My haunted house killed my father. Sorry to start this off. I just like to say quick hail, Jeff, as my dad was the dopest motherfucker,

which is very nice to hear. Hail yourself, Jeff. Okay. So for the past two years or so, there's been insane paranormal activity. On the 29th site, all the activity seemed focused around my dad. One night,

a bottle of barbecue sauce was flung from the counter in the kitchen, except it flew in such a way that it left a perfect dollop of sauce in a dish before going across the room and all over the floor. My dad was the only one in the kitchen. He got scratched on multiple occasions.

A beer can flew six feet into the air and flew across the room. He and my mother were both present. He saw a face on a statuette. He had morph and move and look at him. Important note, let's like fucking haunted mansion. My father was not a stoner,

nor was he typed to have vivid hallucinations. The final examples I'll list here are the most recent and strange. Vultures have been circling around our house quite a bit. Some had even gotten into a trash, unusual for vultures. And less than a week ago,

a light fixture in our laundry room fell and hit him in the head, and the final act was his death. My father didn't have any heart conditions. He wasn't in the best shape by any means, but he was pretty healthy, sure, freak accidents happened, but my father specifically said

he felt something was targeting him and something in this house killed him. He was going up the stairs and he just fell. He wasn't drunk, and the EMTs believe it was a heart attack. I'm sure to some it's not that apparent, but my house was evil and it killed my father. There are forces in this world

we cannot see or understand, but they are real, and some of them are pure evil. Be safe out there and hug your loved ones close. I agree. Be careful at Thanksgiving, man. We got poop monsters out there.

We got demon spirits out there. Robots, dog robots. Oh, my God. Now, this came from a listener who saw this story on Reddit and then contacted the Reddit user to see if we could read it on the show, and I'm going to read it on the show,

and he said it'd be okay with you guys. So this came from a Ask Reddit thread about some of the old mysteries of the Internet. Some similar government conspiracy sounding stuff happened to me years ago. I started a VPN business circa 2009, right around the time of the Arab uprising and before the VPN business market

was as popular as it is now. Most providers were deploying PPTP and open VPN, but I deployed SSTP, which works over Port 443, uses regular HTTPS and work with the built-in Windows VPN client. You understand, Kissel, right?

I understood every single thing you just said, yeah. Needless to say, in the span of about three months, I had massive signups from China, the Middle East, and Northern African countries. I never made an effort to hide my identity and ran the business out of my house. One day, the proverbial men in black showed up, black suits, sunglasses, black suburbants, and so on.

Only they had the olive-colored skin of someone who was of Middle Eastern or North African descent. They asked for me by name, asked if I ran XYZ VPN service, identified themselves as diplomatic representatives from an embassy in D.C., and politely asked me if they could come in

and ask me some questions. I was young then, so I said, sure, come on in. Well, the meeting didn't last very long. They started asking me if I understood what was happening with the Arab Spring. They referenced Egypt specifically and asked if I would block users from certain countries being able to connect to my service if they requested.

When I said no, not without a court order, they became agitated and then asked who else was involved in helping me with the business. They then started naming my mom, my sisters, my daughter, who didn't live with me, and several of my close friends. It was the scariest moment of my life and I was sitting there alternating

between panic and disbelief. I told them that none of these people were involved and they said, okay, well, why don't you think about what the best thing for you to do is and we'll be back in touch. I spoke to some friends in the security world and all of them said to just shut it down. Even if they didn't do something criminal,

they'd probably just sue me in a bankruptcy. So after starting a VPN business and in three months after having hundreds of customers, I refunded all my customers for any unused services and shut my doors literally overnight. I never heard from them nor got a visit from the Middle Eastern men and black ever again. Damn.

Very interesting. Very scary. All right. Very, very interesting. Hey, man, and that's it. That's what I got. Also, I want to say thank you to all of the people that sent us information

about dissociative identity disorder DID. Yes. We got so much interesting information and it's going to help us fuel a further episode that we have in the works and it's really, really fucking, thank you so much for that information. I love when professionals email us about this kind of stuff

that we can really learn about because Kissel and I are, you know. We're a work in progress. That's what I'll say. We're a work in progress. We always love learning more and more and more and more and more until we die. Until we die.

Until we're dead. Yes. Thank you for those. A lot of those emails that we got about DID were extremely personal and so thank you for sharing your stories with us. And if we were of the capacity intellectually to really do a deep dive into the medical condition

that it is, we would do so. But we would not, I don't think we would do it much of a service right now. So thank you all so much for that. And again, if you want to email us, sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. That's sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Let us know what stories you want to hear.

Let us know what heroes of the week you got. And yeah, whatever spooky tales you want to share with us, we always love to hear them. Do you got there and live every day like ass costs four dollars and you got five. You got laugh. You got laugh. That's not much of a laugh.

A reckoning is coming. A reckoning is coming. Laugh like you know your own personal reckoning is coming. And that you're going to go out there and you're going to equalize every single person that's ever wronged you in this life. And I assure you, you put that intention out there. You will start felling your enemies one by one by one.

And you got to love watching the surprise look on each one of your enemies as they see finally, finally, the knife that was in your boot is unsheathed. And it is deep inside of their heart. And they know then that you have been patient enough to wait and wait to the proper moment. They were their most vulnerable. And then you laid waste to them in their futures.

Well, don't do any of that, but you should live laugh and love. I think that that's good. Don't stab anyone over Thanksgiving. There's certainly no hammers, no hammers, no dookie buckets. Not not in America. No, not happening. All right, everyone. Seriously, have a great Thanksgiving

and we will be back next week this week. Oh, do not have no last pod this week. No last pod this week. We're going dark. The network's going dark. Except for Kissles, the fucking incredibly depressing show about turning dogs into food. It is informative and life.

The network is going dark for one week because we're going to have a week with our families and do this shit. We'll be back next week. We've got a bunch of fucking stories lined up. We can't wait to get back in the last spot. We've got a bunch of new stuff lined up for December. And the research has already begun for episode 400,

which is going to be incredibly thick. Mind-blowing indeed. Thanks for everyone who came out to Portland, Maine, to Northampton, and of course to Buffalo. Thank you all so much. We had a great weekend in the Northeast and everyone was just incredibly sweet. So thank you all so much.

All our boys and we got a lot of fun. Northampton got out to Timmy, shout out to Sarah and give a shout out to Stega. 666 finally met y'all. So nice to meet you, dude. Absolutely. And then of course we also had a great time in Buffalo where Henry and I went bar hopping

and we saw a total of four people and we were two of them at every bar. Nobody was out. We went on to a bar crawl. Like we went to like four bars and we didn't see anybody. And there was that. Was it the Irishman?

The Irishman. That's where everyone said to go. And it was terrible. But everybody else was great. Laughlin's was really nice. Yeah, very mean. I don't know why they were mean to us, but we're too weird looking genders.

I guess what should we expect? The world hasn't evolved that much, you know? Yeah. Yeah. All right, everyone. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Hail the legions.

Oh, my. Oh, my. And get out there and support Papa John. No, don't support Papa John. Papa John is a bad person. Oh, support Domino's. Sure. Thank you.