Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: 'Do Not Engage' Cookie Monster

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Ben 'n' Henry bring you this week's weirdest stories and true crime news including Santa Cruz police warning locals not to engage with dangerous man dressed as Cookie Monster, chemicals and sedentary lifestyles causing penis sizes to grow according to new studies, new video shows the possible ghost of a young girl at a SF music venue, Malaysians enraptured by big titty ghost aka ‘hantu tetek’, Florida banning dogs putting heads out of windows, Alaska woman killed ‘best friend’ after receiving $9M offer from man online, massive meteor crashes into Texas, a bug killin' Hero of the Week, Listener Stories, and MORE!

I saw a sad thing when we were at Disneyland like a couple of times ago where a guy went up to a goofy, you know, this is goofy, like he's just on the street and he walked up to me and he's like, you guys got a PA? You guys got a PA for missing kids? It's been like, have you heard an announcement? Like, have you once? Do you feel like you do you feel the Jim Jones like lectures just bouncing off the walls with Walt Disney just being like, yeah, well, Mickey cut his penis off and so hopefully soon with all of our customers, you know, like, I don't know what his long speeches would be, but the honesty and the simplicity of going to goofy to be like, yeah, you guys don't got a PA. I don't want

goofy to be the one who finds my child because I have a feeling he's the reason my child is missing. I know your kid goes missing at Disney World. It's the beginning of a horrible experience for them. Have you heard the prime directive of goofy? No, like one of those because the characters they have like a set of like character attributes that they have to show to be in character when it means to be goofy. I know he's one of the most sexualized. That's what they say. Yeah, he flirts, but then he has to show slight remorse and then show how innocent he is. The whole point is that goofy supposed to push the line, but then show how innocent he is. So you go up to honk your nana's bingbongs, right? I mean, I mean, I'm gonna use the world,

the word again. You go up there and you honker where you give her the honks, right? And then when you have to go, go, and then once you go, then everyone knows, oh, see, that's goofy. Up until now he was Gerard deported. I didn't know that. Well, I didn't know that. Welcome to side stories, everyone. We've learned a lot about the character of goofy, probably more than I have ever learned other than, yeah, the goofy kin, which we did play on a stream many years ago, by the way, another just an announcement. The stream is back. It's back. Got the new episode. But yes, goofy, very sexualized, very often times, maybe ladies like his sort of like, did I do that kind of characteristic? Unfortunately, he's

got the body that we all know means he's packing. Right? He's lanky. He's got the, the thin, the thin hips. Yeah. I mean, long ears. It's always, you wouldn't even believe. Do you remember who's a, who's guy with the hand and Ross Perot? Yeah. Ross Perot. When are you short? Who's guy with the permanent grip? Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Yeah. Technically Bob Dole. Same thing. If you look at him, yeah, he's got that sort of like hang or body. Sure. Well, he's got the big, he's got the big shoulders, right? Which is what they say. Apparently you want to create that V down to the way. When I think of Bob Dole, I think of that power V. Well, cause also permanently gripped. I feel like because his hands permanently

gripped, his penis must also be half hard as well. Probably it is. All right. And also Jimmy Carter's not going down without a fucking fight. Can we not start with Jimmy Carter? 98 years young. I thought he was going to make it to a hundred. He may be dead by the time this episode comes out in Plains, Iowa, a true legend, maybe the greatest ex-president of all time, the longest living president. So after him, I think it's going to be our current president. That's the longest and oldest living president. I don't frickin know. I thought he was going to run for another term. Jimmy Carter at 98. I said, we know his ass out. Nothing I like better than somebody who knew when a coin was a different face.

I mean, nothing I want as a president when I believe the nickel, I think it had like the guy that invented slave chains was on the nickel to have something happen. But you know, we're wishing him best. We think he's going to pull through. I don't think so. But we have bad news. Yeah. He's, no, he's gone. You want to have more bad news? You want to have more bad news? Here we go. Yeah. Penis length is up. Well, that's not bad news. That sounds like great news. I'm a lady. Hey, everyone, I'm a lady. These penises have been too small for too long. No, this is actually again, bad news. Don't know why it came out because it's so funny because the reporters that were reporting on the story have to continually

remind you as a reader that this bad news. Yeah. Because how could it be penis length is up? This sounds like we have a healthy viral sperm qualities down, which I can tell because honestly, the taste is gone downhill for the last like, but just my own supply. Yeah. It's just getting more and more rancid each week it goes. And I think it's because I've been eating nothing but roots. It could be that I also think the aspartame. It's the aspect. Yeah. I prefer my, I prefer come cold, eat clean, make clean. Yes. Come the old school way, old school way, come diet, come that's happening there dragged out of me by my disgruntled foth. I know. So yes, sperm quality is down. They're saying testosterone levels are declining

over the last couple of decades. It's cause we can't go to war. Well, hold your tongue. But they're saying now that yes, penis size is up. Great. But they said, again, it increased by 24% over 29 years. Lucky doctors. Fantastic. Absolutely. But apparently they're saying it's because of environmental pollutants and increasing setting, increasing sedentary lifestyles. So the less you do, the bigger your dick gets. Isn't this counterintuitive? I thought the more I stood, gravity would make my penis longer. Bro, that's what happened to the world. The dude was the dude with the world's longest dong used to pull weights on it as a child. He can never get hard, but he refuses to get it shortened up. Hey man, it's because you,

the deed has been done. The thing you wanted to happen has happened. You wanted it long. You didn't want it hard. No. And he does walk with kind of a limp because his ding dong is so big. Also on kind of a side note, but also an educational point, one of the funniest documentaries you will ever see, American Circumcision. You've got to watch it. Oh, is it one of those where we got to put the, we got to put the force cons back because at the end of the, that's the first time that we're assaulted is when we get circumcised and we got to, we got to restretch it back out. It's on Hulu, I think, American Circumcision. I was laughing, but they take it very, very seriously. Do you remember we cover that video

on the stream, which is true. They sell those kits. They sell the foreskin stretcher kits, which just again, is this North Korea? We're trying to get information out of me. It's been done. I don't know. There's no way back machine to your penis, right? You can't go back in time. This isn't, I'm not Michael J. Fox. No, I've just never been more neutral on a topic that people aren't open tears about. I'm just totally neutral and technically it involves me. Absolutely. I actually wonder where we're going to start hollowing out these wives. If these penises are going to get bigger, why don't we make the caverns bigger as well? I don't think that we're making the penises bigger. It sounds like video games, overall

sugary diets, laziness, lack of testosterone. The penis is getting bigger. The penis is getting wider. Yeah, stranger. It's just like somehow it's building a inertia in a way. I don't fully understand the 24% gain. It seems quite extensive. It seems very, very big. I haven't seen any of that growth in this department. I haven't seen it. That's not our generation. No, our generation when we were met, when we were met, the last generation of real men in America. Also, here's another penis is very average because of our active lifestyle, active, active lifestyle. That's what it is. I'm too athletic to have a big penis, too much testosterone, a big penis, ma'am, ma'am. You might as well be because

I'm so full of testosterone. My, my hair is jumping from the top of my head and colonizing the rest of my body. You are getting so strangely hairy. Have you seen how my shoulders like my wing hair? Like I feel every tendril of me. Like I feel how long my wing hair is getting pretty crazy. It's like four inches out to the side, but I'm not shaving it because this is my fucking, this is money dog. There it is. This is my fucking money dog. This is my fucking character. Really, really awesome stuff. Speaking of men, this reminds me of a small situation that happened with me. So I was flying out for Thursday. Wow. Wow. That's good. I'm in the airport and you know, I like my little sports. I saw

Candace Parker. She's a W MBA player. Oh wow. And then on my plane, you recognized her. I did. And she was even wearing a mask. And I said, Oh, I know that's Candace. Interesting. And then on my plan, I'm sitting there and you know, I look over to my left and who do I see Odell Beckham. He's a football player. Oh, he was. And a kid, a kid took a picture with him and stuff. And we were deep playing. You didn't get a picture. No, because that would have been very creepy. I feel like that's the nicest way you can do it. Can't you with other footballers or the, the, the, the athlete men and athlete women, no need to like being taking pictures with, with the big one. We've, you know, with me, with me, no, because it's

not fun, but I, Brandon Marshall is regarding me now because he records right by us when we do serious. And so I got regarded by Brandon Marshall for those that don't listen to him. He was a wide receiver and his penis, very small, high testosterone, high workout level. We don't know. We should ask. We should really ask him next time you see him in the hallway, you can be like, do you think that your dick would be bigger if you were worse at football? And I think that, that he'll really love that. Oh, he's going to love it. But anyway, we were deplaning and I was walking behind Odell Beckham and I got to see the way that women look at him. A woman literally bit her lip. She was like, he did that thing. Yeah. He's

hot. Yeah. I mean, it was like that meme, but it was all women looking and they were like, they were breaking their necks to go look at them juices. And I never realized that I know that, but I, oh, he's very handsome. He's very handsome. Oh yeah. Of course. It's not even just like, again, it's not like he's bam, bam, big alone. No, I don't think that's the, I don't know if necessarily like that guy is going to get all the like, like, ooh, who's that? Yeah. Who's that? He will because Odell Beckham Jr. Very handsome. I cut a little bit of that drift though. I was like, ooh, because they were looking at him like, ooh, what a sex. But I was like, maybe they're looking at me. I don't know. They weren't

no, of course not. No, no, no, no, no, you. Because every time I made eye contact with him, then they, they, they, their faces change down. We have, because you look like the man who's been following Odell Beckham for months. You've been following him from place to place to place to place to place. Really appreciate it. A lot of your play. I thought the teams you're on could have treated you better, sir. Oh, also here's another breaking news. Breaking news. Be careful. Right out there. If you're in the Santa Cruz, the wharf area. Number one, put the drugs down. Stop bringing heroin into our children's schools. But heroin is not even our biggest fear anymore. It's shrank, dope. It's the zombie drug. I know.

But rule number two, this is the thing. Number two, gotta be careful. There is a man right now. Currently there's on the news. He's dressed in a cookie monster costume. This is true. He's walking up and down the Santa Cruz wharf and the police are warning residents of Santa Cruz. Do not engage cookie monster. Do not engage cookie monster. Never engage any Sesame street character when they're offset. No, they are horrible. They're jobs are to teach you letters. It's not their whole fucking life. That's right. And also they're celebrities and we have to remember that. We just look at them like, Oh, they might just be felt. But guess what's inside of that felt a human hand full of disgusting, odor and strange

sediments as well. But it reminds me of a, it reminds me of Midtown Manhattan every week or month. Do you remember the Zionist Elmo? There was a Zionist Elmo. He was very intense, very controversial people. Yeah. He gave a lot of different pamphlets about his various belief systems. I love a wet Dora. Yeah. You touch the back of a Dora and it's soaking wet. You just feel the rippling muscles of an older man inside the Dora costume. And you're like, I don't want to go explore them with you because I'm going to get a good gate. Well, there were a lot of fights and Mickey, he was very aggressive and many, yes, she was a man in costume. They're capitalists, but I, well, there you go. And they did have fun, but be

careful when approaching all humans stuffed animals. They're saying apparently there's a man in it. He's in a cookie costume, cookie monster costume. All right. He said, don't engage him. I just never seen that. I guess that's what it was. Don't not engage him. Because when I saw the article title that was like, do not engage cookie monster. I was like, this is incredible. But they're saying apparently he's getting a bit aggressive and that a lot of his families are going down there. According to Scotty, who is a Santa Cruz wharf visitor. He said, it's not a cookie monster. It's a creepy monster. And he said, we saw him at the beginning of the wharf at first glance. It just seemed like, oh, this

would be fun to do a selfie with this cookie monster. But we were away from him. And then when we got to the back of the wharf by the deadlines, and that's when we saw him coming out and he was making a commotion and getting into people's faces, looking for cookies. And it's also an imperative is that if you are out there and you see a cookie monster, you better keep some cookies. Well, you better keep some cookies. And of course it's a plight that you can never imagine the sins of his past that would require him to need cookies, but not have a throat. I wonder if the saddest thing was all spits it out. It's horrible what they do. Anyway, also just lastly here on the update, be careful because they're

cutting heroin with fentanyl. So maybe that's what cookie monster actually wants. Maybe he's more of a fentanyl fiend fentanyl fiend fentanyl. That's fun to do. But yeah, don't touch a cookie monster, especially any place below the clavicle. Don't touch any one of those very interesting people unless they're doing something fun. And then you can give him a dollar. Yeah, sure. Then pay him for his labor, please. By the end of the day, the last decision we want to worry about is what's for dinner. My main question is, where's my children and wife? Why is this house burning into the ground? See, this is where home chef comes in, especially during these trying times. Say goodbye to meal planning, recipe induced

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slash left for 75% off. I got a good ghost story. Ooh, let's do a ghost story. No, this is not new. Ghosts. No, they're not. I'm a ghost or one of the older phenomenon. It's the story itself. It's ghosts and sex workers. Those were first. Those are the first things first jobs. Right. But then we have all right, we've got a bit of a story here. Again, this takes place in San Francisco. Wow, you better put a flower in your hair and probably a gun cover them shoes. Yeah. And because of the piles of human shit. Now this is the story of a venue on it was called the good venue. It's called the chapel. And apparently they've been dealing with a ghost phenomena at the chapel. And a lot of people have said that

they believe that this venue is haunted by Liz ago. Very cool. I mean, I love those old haunted stories. One of my favorite memories as always is still the PAPS theater where the janitor, I think told us, oh, yes, if you look up after midnight, you can still see the boy walking across to and fro. And if you're going to haunt any place, what the other is a great place to do it. I guess so. There's some bad shows that rolls through. Why don't those ever just like, let me just go be me for a second. Sure. I've never seen a sighting of a ghost with big, amazing jugs. Well, like a beautiful, like hot. I don't think that the judge makes it to the afterlife. I think that it's more of a bone type structure. No,

we see pictures. I'm about to show you some really good footage of a little girl. But my question is, why do we never see, I guess we, there is the, there's the phantom boys. We know that who they show their butts to people and you get them into trouble via ghost crimes. That is interesting. But I've never heard of that crime. I'm trying to look at this ghost with big boobies. I'm sure you can find the biggest, but usually they're wearing gowns or something like that form fitting. I was, oh yeah, there's the Malaysian breast ghost. Okay. Well, let's see that one. This is here. It's called, uh, it's the hunt to tech, which is a, um, I definitely nailed it. Um, images of the boobs. This is the story.

A young boy is out alone at night. Never a good idea. So you must assume he's had an adequate ghost of ghost stories, the adequate dose of ghost stories in his young life. A woman with absolutely enormous breasts spouting from her back approaches him and he stares in silent, pre-bubescent awe. She gets closer, smiling, and then her back breasts mysteriously expands, smothering the shock boy. Oh, lucky boy. Death by back. Never seen again. I want to see if there's any pictures of this hunt to tech. That's real interesting. So you did get your dream big old back titties. Yes. But they're on the back, which is me from college. Yes. But it's unique. They're not in the front because that's a little different, a different approach to them there. You'd just

be amazed what you just said. You, you know, you cast that you're lying. You'd be surprised what kind of fish you're pulling. The internet's going to bring us all together. It's going to make everyone smarter. Hey man, to go set big boobs. Let's search it. Boom. Done. Done and done. This isn't a one about big boobs. Great. Now this is because yes, you have been obsessed with that yourself. What? You have been the only one talking about ghosts with big boobs. I mean, again, I, it's content. Yes. And so this story is about a little girl. Okay. And so they say that when they go and they close the chapel at night, they hear the titterings of little girl. You've been around a lot of the little girls. I'm actually happy. You can't mimic what they sound like. Nope. Still

wrong. God, this reminds me. I just read a story about a weird ass dude who was arrested for licking kids toes at the park. Anyway, that's gross. What? It was in people, dude. Technically, we could cover it. It's a crime story. You see the story about the youth pastor that was with his girlfriend until she, she was 14 and then he waited until she was 18 and they celebrated her 18th birthday with an engagement. He says, I could finally get married to my best friend. That's disgusting. Okay. Moving on to the ghosts. I don't want to do this. That aren't alive to be molested. They're too dead. Now this place at the chapel. Now the chapel again, they're closing at night and they hear the titterings and they hear things moving,

moving around a long time. They've been saying that they believe that there was a ghost of a little girl and they could not obviously prove it. It's difficult to find, but there's some footage. Okay, let's see it. I'm going to show you this visual footage. The audience will not see until we place this somewhere in a visual medium and that will either be on Patreon or somewhere else. Yeah. I mean, we could technically play it on the stream. I could do whatever I want. I could do whatever the fuck crosses my mind. Kind of take a look at this. Now you'll be surprised. Now we have here at first. Okay. So I'm going to play this closed chapel. This is the closest. This is called, it's just called the chapel. Oh, it's a bar called the chapel. It's a music

venue. Oh, it's a music venue. Now if we see this, what we see here is a young, not guilty janitor. Yeah. That's just a janitor doing what janitors do. He's locking up clean as hell on camera. Really good. He hasn't touched anybody. And then you see that little girl jump out and touch the door. I think that was a little girl. That wasn't there. That was only on footage. Let's watch it again. Look at this. Here he is. He's at the door, not molesting anybody. Good innocent janitor. All of a sudden. See that? Yeah, but that looks like a girl to me. That little girl wasn't in the room when the footage was taken. Now the reason why this story got rebumped was because this story came from several years ago, but there was a recent article that came out with various employees,

all like about a dozen people. I didn't like that. She was so fast. Yes. Slow, moving ghosts, but they said straight up that this is not a hoax is that they went and all went back to the manager and he showed him. And again, who can you believe other than a restaurant manager? Well, not even just a restaurant manager, rock venue manager. They never lie. They never lie. Well, at least they never lie about the security cam footage because police have warned them in the past. Maybe. And that maybe now what they will lie about is how close they are with the guy from Sugar Ray. Absolutely. They will lie about connections to Guy Fieri's various Italian restaurants. Guy Fieri's, absolutely. Yes, but they won't lie about seeing this ghost because,

again, it's going to help the venue. I'm already, I'm hard up ready to go. I mean opposite because it's a little girl. So I'm soft as hell. Hoping that a little girl will titter its way across me. Well, that's a great cover. I think that people were assuming you were discussing because it was paranormal activity. We do do, we do do live side story shows. If that venue was, is within our parameters, maybe we could perform there. We needed minimum 6,000 seater. I need fresh soba noodles and I'm going to need that little ghost girl to be able to be purchased by the venue. Unfortunately, it's going to be difficult because I'm going to bring my little trap than Dan Eckroyd gave. Oh, wow. Well, that's still illegal. You cannot kidnap those ghosts.

And I do think the ghostbusters need to be held accountable for how aggressive they detained those ghosts. And then they would just kill them in that damn fire pit. World mom culture. Yes. This is the world mom culture. Now you're getting it. Well, this is an interesting toss up question I have for you. This story is boring. And I almost think I don't know if it's for top benefits for this, but I just want to toss up question. Oh yeah, flop flop them up. There's a proposed bill in Florida. It would ban dogs from sticking their heads out of car window. Now, what do you think about this? I am very conflicted about this because I think there's nothing more joyous than when you're

driving and you see a little dog with their head out the window and the joy in the smile in their face. However, we've all seen hereditary. It does happen. I don't want to see that dog completely be headed by a random truck, but no, I don't know, but definitely don't want to see it during the impact. That would make me very, but the dogs are having so much fun with their heads out the window. Of course. Well, I did a little bit of research on this topic because it's number one. What's it? Well, you know, it's interesting is that obviously Florida and Texas, most free states in the union, but with the most rules, they have a lot more laws than the rest of our country. It's like they mandate fraud. Yeah. I don't know what that is. And, but you know that

it's, you know, it's legal though in Florida to eat the dog. Eating dog is legal in 44 states. Yes. You can tell you are then not allowed in Florida to let your dog enjoy sunshine, but you are allowed to go rot your dog. Cut it open. Wow. And make it food. Like literally smash, smash its bones and eat it. Well, that is very interesting. So again, you never know what's going to happen in Florida. This is bill SB nine three two. It covers animal welfare. And the interesting thing is, so it says it prohibits cat decline, but then it also says it's going to prohibit rabbit sales before Easter. And I don't know who's writing this bill. I don't think I understand the cat decline thing. It's supposed to be very bad for cats.

Sure. Well, sure. Yeah. Rabbit sale before Easter. What are we doing here? I just don't understand because again, yeah, taking the clothes out of the cat. That's sad to do, but this is just a dog enjoying itself. I do sometimes get nervous of being a small dog because then you, I'm afraid a dog's going to jump out because the small dogs, you know, I have a small dog. Obviously, Wendy, you understand with Jerry too. No. Oh, he'll jump out that window. I locked it. I got to put child locks on with Jerry bear. Jerry would steal your car. I know if he could. Such a cutie pie. He would try, he would do anything to leave it. He would do his life. The animal would be on the bed.

You want me to go fast? Okay. So also interestingly enough, this bill would crack down on sales of animals and they would ban people from buying animals who have been convicted of sexual offenses with animals. Wait a second. Is that real? There's so many things going on in Florida, but yeah, he really made a bill that they said it's not really the bill would create a registry for known animal abusers. Cracks down on the sales of animals to them and allows the state to ban people convicted of sexual offenses with animals from owning a pet during, during their probation. Oh, okay. All right. No, I thought you, that actually makes sense. I thought you were saying

that it was to prosecute dogs that have done sexual assault on other dogs. And then I'm weird. Now we're talking dog lawyers. Now we're talking the fucking who's getting the evidence. If we can't get human rape kits done, how are we going to do it with all these fucking dogs? You're just going to have another dog come in and like lick the asshole or the other fucking dog. I don't fucking know. It's a, it's a true kangaroo court. So anyway, no, it would have to be, it's by their peers. So they're, so it would have to be an all dog court. And then it turns out, then it would have to change from all dogs, go to heaven, all dogs go to court. Yep. So basically the pushback is it's dangerous. And then other people

say dogs like to a smell the outside. So it's between the dog indoors and the dog outdoors people there in Florida. And I am again, just happy they're taking on the serious subjects that are impacting the lives of millions of Floridians and their dogs. They really have to be all of them. They have to be careful, but they should be looking at it as their skies. Did you see that there was a fucking a thousand pound meteor that defunded land in Texas? Dude, that was crazy. They just, they, they did, they heard an explosion, especially with so much shit that's going on right now. All of the stuff's flying around in the skies and we're all like hyper paranoid. And then you just got to remember sometimes that shit could still just fall down,

blow up and blow up your town, blow up your car. There's stories of meteorites hitting this country. Like it happens all year. It happens all the time. It happens like five or six times a year. Absolutely. They talk about little micro ones, like literally going through houses, going through people's doors instead of going through people's, they're fucking their cars. Like actually it's, if you're ever never afraid, if you ever for a second feel a sense of like ease or peace, just know that no matter what you do, there could be a fucking, there's a little globular cancer just growing. Just know that no matter if you ever feel like if you're looking up at the sky, you look at the cloud, oh, that could just be that literally

that cloud could be a living being from an intelligent don't understand. And maybe we're blowing up a bunch of its brothers. Maybe that thing is going to shit on me. Every day, like it's your last, every day, like it's your last. No, for a fact, it's your last fucking day. Well, that, that could involve a horrific event. And now that balloon company is trying to fucking talk about stolen Valor. I know, I was just going to bring that up. It seems that they have blown up one of our balloons. I'm not even a fucking, I'll give them the, that second of the day of the bump. Well, that's a, give them the side stories bump. That is a hobby club that they say,

yeah, they're, they're blue. Obviously it might be, I don't know, but they're norad did a press conference where they did say, this is following up a little bit of the objects shot up the sky story that we covered last week, which we have the whole country is obviously is, is obsessed with, but not anymore. Because there was a balloon story that landed on Saturday and then no one cares. But the, the objects, the norad went and clarified that whatever we shot out of the sky, I know, I said last time, yes, I know, I said, I know a balloon is an object, but they said that they don't believe that these objects were balloons. They think that maybe one thing they were like, I might have had a balloon inside of it. That was literally what he said

to make it stay up in the sky. But they said that he felt that it was way more solid than a balloon, whatever the fuck it was that we blowed up. And then guess what? Then Biden, he fucking got out of his coffin enough to get in front of the fucking, the fucking microphone, so that he could say the exact thing I said that he said it's probably private tech, which is again, who's on whose side. Exactly. Well, you're not making any of the claims that you work for the United States intelligence community, any less valid. So there was a club the Northern, I think I would, if I work for the CIA, I know about it. I feel like, I mean, we already, you're the PSYOP. We talked about this last week, you're on the microphone right now.

No, I'm not, I'm not a PSYOP. This is the Northern Illinois bottle cap balloon brigade or Nibb. And they said they're not pointing fingers just yet, but their balloon was no, they're showing it in action. Yeah. It's a fucking bottle cap balloon. It is full of children. It's a hobby balloons. What are hobby? It's hobby clubs. It's a bunch of kids. It's a middle school class. They learned how to use scientific balloons. It's the Pico balloon. They're just blaming the kids. They're just going to use it. This is another way to blame the children, isn't it? Yeah. You're saying that we had a scramble and spend $500,000 of U.S. taxpayer money. Yeah. Because some child made a balloon. I say now

we should make balloons illegal. I never liked balloons. I'm going to go on record here. You could say that. I don't like balloons. I don't like the Macy's Day parade. I think it's stupid. Sorry, Jackie. No, the Macy's Day parade is very fun. It's a waste of time. No, it's just gives an excuse for people like Jackie to wake up and get drunk and watch a parade. Where's this air coming from? You can't ban parades. We're using all of these balloons. We're filling up with our precious fucking air. I thought the environment was going south and we're going to take clean air. We're going to give it to these fucking balloons. That's a really smart decision. And now we're everywhere just like, oh, wow. Oh, we're supposed to be, are we supposed to be scared of these

minions? Am I supposed to be scared of government Patty and that she's stories? All right, I will push. I will agree with you only on this. I don't like the IP that has infiltrated the Macy's Day parade before Snoopy. I mean, yes, he's IP, but he's Snoopy, right? Snoopy. Other shit would happen. And then you sometimes have a big fat ugly guy. I miss a big ugly guy. Yeah. But now it's all branded content, but I've never liked balloons. They go up in the sky. They just turn into litter that confuse the birds. They're not fucking all you do is look to the sky to try to see balloons. No, I looked at the sky to try to see any validation for my existence. So you're just like somehow blaming balloons for them not finding UFOs or aliens. And now you're upset.

And now balloons are more, you know how every single time that somebody like gets canceled, there's a whole contingent of people who make sure that everybody knows like, well, I never liked them anyway. This is me doing this with balloons because now we're talking about balloons and I've just never, I've never cared for them. I've always felt that they were a waste. I prefer even though flowers are also technically a waste because you're giving death to someone. I prefer that over a balloon any day of the week, even a teddy bear, which will show up at the bottom of a landfill until the end of time. No, it won't. That will dissolve. But even I do understand. Yes. If you're a married 45 year old adult, bringing your wife just a bunch of balloons, it's one of

my Pennywise. Yeah. I do think that flowers bring balloons everywhere. Birthday balloons are stupid. And they're a waste of money, a waste of aluminum. They are. Get her a new car. I'm sorry. I don't mean to get, I don't mean to be so divisive today. You really are being divisive. I didn't take my big shit. Is that a new, is that a new coffee drink? No, no, that's not going to be our new coffee brand that we are going to be introducing soon for a underspring. He'll Jack coffee. You got to taste it. It is not called shit fuel. Not yet. Not yet. Because again, FDA gets real mad about like labeling stuff. Like we'll make you shit. Do you pass out? But everyone understands that's just in the name coffee. That's why people do it. We know if it did make me shit,

I wouldn't be drinking it. I know that's the whole point for today because I missed my colon blow. Cause I had a protein bar instead in the morning and isn't good dude. Yeah. I'm, I'm trying to get healthier this year, but let's just say it took, I took a four day weekend of not doing that. So you're having, so you haven't yet intended, but you will get there. Look at you. You know what's nice about us and all the people who could look at us and you see us on the Patreon, you can, you know what's nice about us and reflect that on yourselves. We are called the epitome of human potential, which means there, there's nothing but potential to fix our problems. And you look at these, it's been like, we need to fix everything.

But you know what's nice about that? Because it's on the horizon. It means we have a future. And we don't get all, cause if we were perfect, there'd be nothing to fix. Absolutely. That's a great point. This time of year, everyone's talking about making big changes, but sometimes the smallest changes to your routine can make the biggest impact. And you don't have to break the bank to make a big deal purchase. Even the smallest things can be a part of a big change if it's something you use every day. Like Raycons, whether you're looking for a pair of everyday earbuds, low latency gaming headphones, or a speaker with the battery that will last all night at your next party, Raycons got you covered. They offer buy now, pay later options, and every

purchase as an easy and free return guarantee. I love Raycons. When we travel for live shows, helps me listen to my favorite tunes and pass the time on those long, long flights. Ready to buy something small with a big impact? Go to buyraycon.com slash last today to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash last to score 15% off buyraycon.com slash last. All right. Well, also just in a true crime story, there wasn't an Alaskan teen. He killed his best friend after a man online offered him $9 million for a video of him murdering somebody. Oh, this is an old story. It was a catfish. Well, this is from February 17th, 2023. Yeah. Was it? Is this a furthering of the story? But yes, it is very interesting what you can tell

an Alaskan teen about like what you have access to the murder. Nine millions, a lot to have liquid. Yep. And it's actually a lot for a murder. Well, it is quite a bit of money. None of it was real, but the murder did happen. This did take place in 2019. And the person is now facing 30 to 99 years in prison. So he's been sentenced. Yes, indeed. So there's a little update on that. But that's kind of crazy. The idea of someone offering you $9 million, even I would just say that's too much money. Truly good straight up. If you're looking to negotiate and you want to know this, 60 grand. 60 grand is a good base. If you're trying to negotiate, it depends on who it is. If it's a baby and you got to get past all the squeamish stuff, you might want to kick it up to

75. Wow. So he says he was talking to a guy named Tyler who apparently didn't exist. He says he was a multimillionaire from Kansas. No way. Yeah. This, and that this random Alaskan teen was chosen by because he wanted to snuff film. Yeah. I remember this story. I wanted to snuff film. Again, it's in Kansas. There's plenty of people making snuff films in Kansas. You guys know. Absolutely. So yeah, they went on a little trip. They went on a hike and then she died. She ended up in the goddamn river. I don't even know if you filmed the fucking thing. No, it sounds like he was really bad at it. And again, and you got to do your due diligence. Check your hitman's LinkedIn. Be like, do you have filming experience? Because I think that's also really, you would assume that everyone has a

smartphone. This should be easy. But actually, you'd be surprised how many details one could miss on a smartphone, which also why so many people say like, oh, I have only Henry, if you those are real, I have only seen good footage of them. That's a fine question. No, it's a, yeah, you write fine as in mediocre, as in barely cutting the mustard. Yeah, sure. Because yes. Who cuts mustard? I don't know. It's psychopaths. He's like, I don't know who does it. But this idea that yeah, it would be difficult. Can you see people do footage from there, from concerts? And that's real phenomena happening directly in front of them. That is not mostly non-corporeal. And it's very difficult to get good concert footage. What do you mean? You're going to,

you're going to be the one to catch a fucking UAP on there. Yeah. Not sure how you shoehorned that into this story. Also, it was a 22 year old woman that has pled guilty now to murdering her 19 year old best friend when she was also 19. So this is, it's a gal on gal situation. Amen. Whatever it takes to fucking move and get people motivated. Anyway, so don't, there's no money. We need to stop killing people because someone on the internet from Kansas told you to, you really shouldn't, you really shouldn't. And again, let it be someone you know. I agree with that. All right. Well, we have a bunch of stuff that's absolutely horrendous. Yeah. Most of these stories are really very sad. There was a Texas third

grader that found a gun in the bathroom. Cause the superintendent left it in there when he sat down to take a show. They were just like, yeah, I gotta unload my gun cause you know, they're like the new cops. Yeah. And there was the sixth grade, the six year old that shot the teacher. And then turned out he had choked another teacher. That's not good. No, that's not good. So I think it's just time for hero of the week. Yeah. We could use one. Yeah. And the funniest thing is there really nothing this week. No one has done anything remotely close to heroically. There is the brutal state of hero of the week. Yeah. They found a dildo from, uh, from the old ancient times. It is a big one. Everyone saw how big it is. You know who I'd give

the hero of the week to is maybe that, um, that ghost girl, the ghost girl. Yeah. Michael Jordan gave $10 million to make a wish. He has to. He literally has to. It's a card of his. He has to because I'm helping you do this. No, I'm trying literally, I'm searching all my good news sites and, uh, oh, an army of 10,000 women saved, uh, saved India's rarest stork. And look at, they got a bunch of, uh, models of the stork on their head there. That's cool. So that's nice that they saved the stork. That's heroic. Yep. That's good. Um, do you see the baby that was stuck in the, in the rubble? Yeah. That's not a hero though. It's a baby stuck in rubble. So that's not even close to it. I don't, what's, maybe you could be a hero. Yeah. What if it turns

out it's unbreakable? Remember, but you know who wasn't Bruce Willis? No, he wasn't. Another piece of sad news. So sad. Everyone kept saying that he was an asshole. And now we realized like, Oh, half of it was that he had dementia. Yeah. I don't think he was being an asshole. I, I, I had heard tell that he was a difficult man. They do say that that happens with dementia. Sometimes you can be a little, gets you a little rude. You know what I realized that when we have dementia, it's just going to be me going, I want to be on you. Like it's just going to be me saying Anchorman quotes. Oh yeah. As soon as we have dementia, it's literally just going to be like, Oh, Newport, little yellow, different. It's just going to be every catch phrase we've ever learned

from every movie that we were ever obsessed with. We're never going to do what your parents did. Get a job, sir. It's all, it will be a lot of as soon as we have dementia, no one will know. It's just going to be like, Oh, Henry. So funny. Oh, he's being a funny guy. I mean, while like, I'm lost and afraid. Well, I did watch a video and I'm mad. I did watch a video of a woman who has her father who has dementia wanted to walk him. She wanted him to walk her down the aisle. That's really sweet. But then he forgot who she was, but then she let him start painting. And then he remembered who she was long enough to walk him down the aisle. It was sad. Also, there is going to be a here of the week. It's a nine year old. Her name is Bobby Wilson.

She was in Hoboken and she signed up for a campaign to eradicate the spotted lanternfly. Oh yeah. The spotted lanternfly. You're supposed to kill them on site. They're bad. And so she found a way to kill all of them. So we're doing what? Yale decided to highlight the citizen scientist as she donated her collection of 27 lanternflies to the Peabody Museum of Natural History. Well, she has a bunch of, she just has a bunch of lanternflies like in little cages and she's just experimenting on them and doing, just trying to figure out how to kill them on mass. It seemed like a little glass thing. And then how does she, how does she, I'm not going to, how does she plant a genocide that the lanternflies? She's a donor scientist. The invasive spotted

lanternfly can cause huge damage. Let's see here. How does she act? Wilson is joining in New Jersey's stomp it out campaign, which is exactly like. Yeah. You're supposed to stop and you're literally, if you see one, you're supposed to stop and stamp it. And then if you, apparently, I do believe if, if you can show evidence, you get money. That's just like when we interviewed our boy from one of our favorite movies that I'm completely blanking on right now. Oh, you're talking about Casper Van Dean. Yeah, bro. And that movie, whoa, we're going to make all the fucking starship troopers. We're going to make the bugs mad. It literally is the New Jersey stomp it out campaign. That's exactly what they did there. But how does she plan to kill them all

at once in one go? Oh God. Okay. So the campaign recommends three things. Killing any individual seen on one's property, scraping off the egg masses, which are grayish slimes that contain, contain, contain slime watch, slime watch. Yep. And it's 30 to 50 eggs, each little slimy thing. Okay. Cool. And then that's going to cut down 90%. Oh, they're also, wow. Okay. So you're just saying kill the bugs that you see. It's not a plan. I mean, that was the plan. Yeah. And I thought she had another thing. They're also going to cut down 90% of the trees also known as trees of heaven. What? Because apparently they're home to the invasive species. So we're going to cut the trees down. So that's how we fix data. So we're going to, we're going to, we're going to make

Jersey worse. Yeah. So they say New Jersey believes that if 90% of the trees are clear, the remaining 10% can be used as trap trees. And then the tree of heaven is a critical symbiotic species for the lanternflies and they'll inevitably be drawn there. And then they'll poison them. We have to kill all the trees and then poison all the bugs. I don't know why this is a story. I don't know. I, I doesn't, it doesn't seem like a fabulous idea. Well, it's because she, so Bobby Wilson did it. She was like killed a tree. She whipped up some homemade non-toxic spotted lanternfly poison out of vinegar. Oh, so she made the news. So she's a hero, buddy. We're going to war. These are our heroes now. Okay.

Bobby Wilson, nine years old, Hoboken. You're here all the way. I'm not calling her that you genocist. I mean, I just, oh God, you got to keep your head on a swivel. I will say, I don't know. I know what the most destructive bug I know it is. It's like the most Jersey winter. Yeah, take that 90% of the trees will make a tree trap. The thing right is the main thing with these bugs that they hate is open sky. So we thought about doing was setting fire to a bunch of trash, right? Great cloud cover. So the lanterns are choking and they die. And yeah, I don't, again, it's really a smart way to handle it. I want her to be happy. She is happy. She's smiling in this picture surrounded by these dead bugs and again, they are bad, but honestly, if you're in

New York area right now, this would be a fantastic way to have a good time. Get fucking hammered, go on a drug hunt, go on a bug hunt, go on a bug hunt and start a drug hunt. You definitely want to take drugs, drugs, get fucked up, go out there fucking. This is Lancer fly a season baby. I think you can actually just start cutting down trees. I just start cutting down trees guys. And we always are blocked in with the best advice here at side stories. Yeah. I mean, technically you'd be a, it'd be a hero. So they're cutting down the trees and they're stomping on egg bugs. Hey, that sounds like fun. That's a great way for Jersey to handle it. But I don't know what else to do. The bugs were also in Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts as well,

of course, as New Jersey. And this is why they get so mad when you bring something like a bad and orange on the way from Australia over here. Well, this came in in 2014 from China. So good. Here we go. Here's some listener emails. I wasn't sure if you'd heard about the UFOs being shot down recently. Yeah. What do you mean? Yes. I wish we were all pure. This had my two weeks before. Now my husband, I live in South Texas about 45 minutes from Mexican border. All right. So border patrol is pretty prevalent here. All right. We own a few acres and we go out there sometimes just to reflect and get away. And you think that this is how this person sounds? What if he's Swedish? Well, I wasn't feeling great. So my husband went out to get food.

And on our time, everything is made to order. Oh, you sound like a beautiful woman. So I went. So he went to our acres while we waited for food. Because he wanted to get out there at acres. And I said, Oh, my husband, he's so wild. I like to be near him. I like to see. Oh, I bet. Oh, he's been sitting down a lot. I bet his dick's getting bigger. Yeah. I make sure he sits for some two hours a day. That little mountain dude of his diet, that ding dong will grow. Well, now he had our dogs Stanley with him and Stanley started freaking out and crying, looking up at the sky. Now, when my husband looked up, he saw these lights in the sky, right? And he said he got this overwhelming feeling of weightlessness, but also terror.

We joke now that they look like a string of anal beads just to make us feel better about the situation. But still, I do like that. Now, about five minutes later, the lights began to move. They had been stagnant the entire time. I'm probably 10 border patrol agents zoom toward the direction of the lights going about 90 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Lots of sirens on. Wow. Right. Now, well, it could have been a coincidence. It felt strange. And my husband was texting me the entire time and fear, which scared me since he's six foot and 250 bodybuilder attack. There was also a paramedic. I'm not afraid of everything. Never afraid to ever, not even once. When he came home, he was wider than me. He's Mexican and it looked like he had

been crying. Now I knew he was afraid. I went outside to check on what the fuck was going on. And our dog was still crying at the sky and two jets began touring towards the lights direction as well. Flying pretty low too. Weird. Oh no. I was concerned about my husband. But I think much more about it. Right. So we went to bed. We both woke up around one. Our dog had run away off the bed and we were both paralyzed as we thought we saw a figure in the corner of our room. About half as tall as our room and so thin. It wasn't human. We'd both ensign dreams and woke up with pens for us. You turned into forest comp. Just, you know, we both haven't signed. It was green. Yeah. I woke up. Pains in our left arms where you would. This is the most important

part of the story. And woke up with pains in our left arms where you would usually get blood taken. We still have bruises that seem permanent now. We own a coffee shop and that next day we had to shut down due to crazy technological malfunctions. We worked in for hours, but getting them working properly again. The news explained that strange lights have been seen all over Texas, but it showed us it was satellites. Wow. All right. Well, thank you so much for that fantastic email. We've got satellites or you first. You first. We've got ghosts. It's really happening. Also, just so you know, it's also, I got one that's actually more discerning concerning, which was about strain was rain seen, seen near East Palestine. Oh, buddy. That's real, real weird and countered

an odd weather event this Friday afternoon on my commute home from work at five PM on Friday, February 17th while driving north on the New York state throughway between exits 18 and 19. Love that spot. This guy abruptly darkened as it would during a thunderstorm. It subsequently opened up and started to rain BB shaped debris that melted into tiny white streaks as it hit my windshield. Now, I know you're probably saying hail. No, this was in hail. More on that in the moment. The weather event continued for about 15 minutes, stopping not long after I pulled into my driveway. During this time, I watched more debris fall from the sky and it melted into little white puddles on the asphalt to my driveway. Then suddenly they stopped as quickly as it started

with zero trace that had ever happened. Not a stain, not even the slightest trace of moisture, complete evaporation, at least hail or rain leave some evidence that they were there. There was, it was gone. Everything went. Don't worry. The official response is everything's fine. Go back to your home. Everything is fine. I want to see the mayor drink the water seriously tap on the news. I want him see to go up. I want him to drink a big you'll die as well. I mean 20 years from now. No, literally did you? Oh, anyway, that story is horrible and it's all because they didn't want to spend a little bit of fucking money on proper breaks. Again, it's about taking care of the people that work on extremely important parts of

our country. They just lost another union battle. Anyway, oh my, that's the saddest story yet. This is just, we'll get back to, don't worry. We got plenty of goofs. This guy was got a goofy too. There's some goofy stuff in there of the penises. Bad news. Bad news. I live every day trying to make your penis shorter and you'll love the results. You know why? Because number one, sick of all that sick, all the complaining you get from your beautiful wife about how gigantic you are. And your husband is like, Oh, I can barely sit for my zoo meetings. You're so gargantuan. And so you'll go like, Oh, you bet yourself, Herbert. I'm going to get out there. I'm going to shrink it up real nice and big, right on time for anniversary, which is on St. Patrick's Day,

the most brutal university anniversary date holding McNeil. The grass. It's your date. The most brutal married on St. Patty's Day. Yeah. Dry wedding. Remember it's because it was in a dry county. Oh my God. It was really intense. And so make sure you go out there and you're going to laugh your way to the bank while you're working out, hiking that penis back up to your balls. Cause that's my main thing is that yeah, the penis is getting bigger. That's not what's happened into the balls. What's happened into the balls? That's your next book. And I can't wait for that. What's happened to the balls? Because I actually went, my doctor actually told me that I had smaller balls and then we have another friend who has massive nuts. Yeah, it's great. That's great.

But anyway, be careful when you get married because you have to do that anniversary every year. So don't get married out like Santa con. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. You're going to be mad. But a good comic con marriage. Oh, you can make it. You can go to San Diego every year. That would be incredible. Honestly, you get married by like some who would you, who'd you put superhero when you get married? I want to get married by Jason, Jason Voorhees. That's cool. Yeah, he wouldn't talk. Yeah, I guess. I know you could actually point to the thing and maybe Jason could be my usher. But Freddie, he would be funny with it. Oh, yeah. Freddie would be good. He'd be like, you're ready to get married, bitch. Yeah. All right,

we'll be we'll be a wonder con. So there you go. We'll be a wonder con March 21st. Also, check out. We have a live classy night out at the pack theater March 8th. And then we'll be doing a live, live stories to wrap up to help me promote a little project I'm working on called Disaster Man that you go to get it made LA and you could see the it's at the Fine Arts Theater in Beverly Hills. You'll see us doing some yucks. That's an April, right? That's an April 8th. That's April 8th. And this is it. I think that's all the announcements I got. That's all I have for now. Yeah. Yes. Thank you all so much for listening. Check out the YPF. We're doing your pretty face is going to Hell Street March 2nd, the 4pm to 6pm. I just I'm just trying to get in there. Thanks for the

serious shows. Monday, Tuesday, Tuesday. Books. We mentioned books. We got Operation Sunshine coming out. It's gonna be on October. It's gonna come out. There's a lot going on. Thank you all so much for listening. Go big or penis smaller for fuck's sake. Holy shit. Look at how disgustingly big your penis is. Magoustillation. Unbelievable. You show up in my own with that. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.