Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Don't Eat Grandma

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime stories: an assault case involving a large pickle, a Carole Baskins update, a cannibal with a hankerin' for grandmas, and a look at the protests currently happening across the United States.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories Listeners of side stories. Hello. You're you're beautiful number one. You're looking good today Look great looking great. I can see inside of your home right now, and I'm looking at your family Well, the first thing I want to say is how healthy your children look that is quite scary Henry I want to see how healthy the wives look mmm. Yes, and how Patriotic some of the men look okay, right? I Just want to say thank you for continuing to listen to side stories. We're here. This is fucking it's apocalypse radio We're back into it. Hey, what's up everyone? Welcome to side stories. How you doing Ben Kissel here?

Hey, you know with Henry obviously this week is a week of a lot of pain a lot of turmoil happening throughout the country So we're gonna talk a little bit about that here up top and then get you to what is now considered lighthearted news cannibalism literally there's a lot in there There's a surprisingly large amount of cannibalism there was happen this week not just our system No, here is it is insane We were joking about this before the show discussing before the show how our show John Krasinski Sold a show like lighthearted news. I don't know what it's called But really the lighthearted news in these times is when a man eats his 90 year old grandma

That's the law awful news. We need to hear that's what people are saying is breaking the tension So don't worry. We're gonna get there at some point We just wanted to talk about it. Make sure y'all know like I mean things are absolutely What's the term you'd use Kissel's it jacked up? I would say Constitutionally crumbling in front of our eyes. Yes, you did such a good job yesterday portraying the faces and names of people that have been Unceremoniously murdered by the police over the last several years. Yes This is I think this is an epidemic that is growing in size and it's getting worse and worse Henry you talk about unceremoniously murdered by the police sadly many times

They are ceremonially murdered by the police if you look at the folks we have on death row They estimate two to three percent are innocent. So this is a systemic problem and I the bright side is the country is taking it seriously waking up and Understanding what an issue we have to solve in this country I look at these protests because number one they're not as bad as a lot of the media is portraying them out to be There's this little in the very beginning. There was a lot of there was some looting There's kind of coming. They're blaming outside actors all the kind of bullshit all that's horseshit That's very isolated a lot of these protests are going as normal and are heated for a reason

President's not helping right definitely directing. He's amping up the fucking temperature of the entire scenario We it took until this morning for the other three officers besides Derek Chauvin to finally be charged with crimes For aiding and abetting watching Derek Chauvin kneel on a man's neck for nine minutes if you watch that video you watch at New York Times New York Times even though They are a fucking on the outs right now They did a compilation video of all of the footage on the street full of the different angles of people filming George Floyd's death You watch a police officer on a dead body kneeling on a dead body for a minute

Right sitting there and he's got that mean mug looking right down the pipe of the camera Well, they all three all the other dudes sit there kneel like he's fucking Changing attire and of course it was a nine minute video. Absolutely devastating. I'm sure you all have seen that So we just want to express our sympathy our empathy with the cause and we just want to let you know that we are with you We are thinking of you and we will continue to do our best to be Voices allies and we will continue to confront the systemic racism absolutely that is so prevalent right now and the fact that we have our President calling for the military in our streets is absolutely devastating. It's been pre it's been prevalent always, right?

This is kind of where we're really every it seems like every 20 years or so like the the bill kind of comes out And we have to decide whether or not America is going to start paying for the original sins of this country, right? It's like and we have to find out we're like what's our way to navigate through this future in order to Figure like how do we rectify this bullshit? These protests are not the problem. They are the symptom And we're gonna see how long this shit goes Because right now we're not getting anything from the up top that is changing anything the unions the police unions have to be reformed It's very very difficult. But yeah, yeah, the side stories in lpn. We just want to remind you to remind you black lives matter And if you want to give out to anybody like during this time period if you want to help

Protesters directly There are some people you that want to do that you'd go to the national bail fund The national bailout the black lives matter a global network. That's another you could toss cash at them You got also the advancement project certain places that they're doing a lot of good work And across line and we're also speaking with people the idea of like trying to figure out like how do you create a world where? The cops can actually reform themselves absolutely and of course when it comes to our bail system that completely needs to be reformed And we will get into more on that on this week's Abe Lincoln's top hat and just lastly on this front You know, we talk a lot about growing up and some of the things that we did the drinking and driving the doing drugs all those things

The what is what is privileged privilege is having those be stories. Yeah, good memories Not being privileged is having that be a sentence. So you have to look and you get 25 years an extended period of time And once you're in the shot, you know, it's tough to get out So you literally get murder, right? The people they they don't get to grow up I got pulled over by a cop being hammered the cop let me go, right? I don't think that that would be the same for somebody who was black This is like things that you experienced you don't say and then if you don't understand just how afraid Black people can be of the police. Then you don't know enough black people. I don't want to pull a Joe Biden

Whoa, you need to know this shit You need to know for a fact that people that they're genuinely scared of the police That actually reminds me of a story Tucker Carlson told me when I was it was in the wings There at Fox News and Tucker told me a story about how he got pulled over Hammered absolutely hammered. He had a family. He had like three kids He was sweating telling me the story and then he was just like thank God the cop agreed with my politics and let me go Oh, that is that Just just yeah, I because I just can't stress enough. I just how fucking just how fucking upsetting this whole thing has been

Absolutely, and of course we are still in the midst of a pandemic 2020 what else could you bring us? Lord knows? I feel like we are we are in Krampus season I think we are having a reverse Christmas all of the gifts are Almost revelations opening of the seventh seal the apocalypse the plague like think about this bullshit Is the fact that the they fucked up so bad on the COVID-19 whatever their response was you're gonna even a call a response They fucked up so bad. They tank the economy. We got nothing else to remotely focus on there's no bars There's a restaurant so sports there's nothing to distract So now we get to we can sit in this and really maybe this is the time

This is the time to to learn and this is the time to grow This is the time to do the hard shit that it's going to take to move forward And to be honest these protests can go all summer they could just go and of course again abling its top ad I'll be going in-depth on what's happening to our civil liberties. Where'd they go where along with the cowboys where have all the civil liberties gone a Smaller kind of a light-hearted story adjacent going back to my home state of Wisconsin There was a dude. There was a peaceful protest of about a hundred people evidently There was one man his name is Greg Hoft who did not like this

So he had an interesting solution that might be the dumbest solution to disperse protesters in the history of humanity He brought 12 crates of bees From a trailer to a parking lot nearby the protest. So this is this is what he had to say Henry will do a dictation This is what he had to say on his now protected which is always my favorite when people are so weak like Oh, I better protect my Facebook you just suggested releasing 12 crates of bees like you're in wicker man And you're dumber than everyone on that island every hashtag all live is matter person that have responded to any Instagram post They put up this week. They all are protected. They all they always they hide just like they're fucking their president who hides in a

Bunker away from everybody else. He shuts off the light like he's like trying to say don't come and trick-or-treat at my fucking house Like a little bitch. They're just like that. Anyway, they sound like here. He is Right control bees are in their holding yard waiting to clear the streets of Jadesville. It keeps peace to this county I'm willing to bring them in and kick them over if things get out of control This is This was his big plan. I'm gonna get these big crates of bees. Yes, and I'm gonna unleash them and he knows he You know what he did? He made him racist. I don't The thing is playing videos

But seriously the mind of this man is he's so far up his own asshole that he somehow thinks his Ranting and ravines that he's been doing as if he's a little eight-off Hitler to the bees. Well, they're in great Bees come to me now attack the women with no Bros, they won't show them to me now attack the black men yelling because they won't allow me to join them in their poker games Yes, apparently the cops found out about this backup plan and they asked him to leave the area So I can't seem to hear you officer good lord So Greg Hoft whatever the opposite of a here of the week is you're it because that's the dumbest idea ever also

You would just get stung by bees along with all of the cops children You're just going to release 12 crates of bees into your community. So it is a waste idea It is a way to I mean number one bees are dying So one way maybe it's kind of nice. You know, I mean get put more bees in the circulation Yeah, well, we know the bee is a very important. It's a very important little creature very important little insect It has sex with all the flowers. I don't know how it works, but it's a mutual destruction weapon Yes, I mean you unleash it everybody. It's like a neutron bomb of bug weapons. Oh One other story I want to tangentially talk about a little bit was this concept

There's like a conspiracy theory about the idea that there's big pallets of bricks being well left out for use to essentially Accelerate violence to accelerate property destruction and that they are put there by some, you know Like one half of people say it's antifa, right? Which doesn't exist. It's not even a whole that's not a real organization It has no leader. It is just a group. It doesn't exist. But yes, but you know what I mean It doesn't have like oh you can't it doesn't have a mailing address like you can't like go to a place There's no president of antifa because they would fight him. I guess so Maybe There are other people saying that it's cops laying out these bricks as a way to

Basically destroy the movement from the inside by showing look how violent these protesters are they taking these bricks and they're destroying property Well, this would not be the first time something like that has happened It was a tactic that was used in the 60s and 70s and obviously today all the greatest hits are coming back If you do get a chance check out the umbrella man video that took place at the At the auto zone in Minneapolis Extremely chilling and very wonder and we also saw closed officers Breaking windows at banks and things like that. It's referred to as Henry mentioned acceleration accelerationists and these people are there to

Allow easier access for burnings and things like that. Yeah, and it's done by a bunch of shit head nihilists You don't understand how what what happens if they're soft little bodies if they fucking grid actually went down Man, I really don't know that's that's I don't know I don't know but they are doing it to discredit the actual like if they are doing it I don't think that they are a lot of it has been debunked But the one thing are the ones that seem to be super super fishy are the ones like they had a group of cops being filmed like Unleashing a bunch of bricks from the back of an armored van and then they came out saying like no We were removing the bricks from an elementary school like they were trying to

Henry you have to watch it in rewind in your brain Don't you know how to see the truth you have to watch it in reverse like like the Beatles white album It's not the songs that you hear playing the proper way. It's when you make it all sound weird You got to make it sound weird because then it sounds evil and then you see it But it's a support remember that a lot of this shit has been debunked and yes There's a lot of stuff that's almost seems like high strangeness Absolutely the idea of like seeing a pallet of bricks lying in the middle like isolated in a Snapchat or insta story because which is basically how people were communicating from the good from the good the when they were in fucking ground

Zero from the front lines you're seeing these little snippets and you wonder what the hell is really going on But it's important to remember the lot of it's is is pointed distraction to try to delegitimize The protesters so you really have to take all of this shit with the grain of salt and understand that this information It's coming from nine different angles and a lot of it's coming from social media Which is twisted and turned by big-time media. They love your age, man They're trying it. They're trying to pump up your rage They've been commodifying it for years and now they're wondering where the hell all of this madness is coming from They've been fucking stoking it and now we're seeing an end result

Absolutely, I am in the camp that would not put it past them. That's what I'm gonna say Oh, no, I would not put it pass the problem is that a lot of this shit is like cops saying like no We didn't do it, but unfortunately right now cops, but but right now cops no one believes a word that you say Alright, well, let's move on to a story that has been going on now on this show upwards of three years and this may be the final conclusion to the Joe Exotic saga Carol Baskin It appears as if she has officially won as Joe Exotic sits in a jail cell

She is now the owner of his exotic zoo Crazy Jeff Lowe 120 days to vacate the property. Wow This is the final move on the board of risk and Carol Baskins has taken the exotic castle It's crazy. It's what's happening now Joe Exotic has to just sit ridden Absolutely riddled with COVID-19 sitting in jail Wondering if he'll ever be back on top and the answer is is I don't know I think that the next thing if I was gonna if I could get an ear to him I mean see that when you get out anything a thing that you can do it's like just let her have it

You got to let this war die right Carol Baskin. She'll fuck she will she's gonna kill him She could be interesting. Yeah, very very interesting. Um, but Joe Exotic just I think the next step Get into Gators. I Mean this switch it up new animal like that and of course we gotta treat a natural predator Sure, they got they do have to treat him better and I want to say you know what you could also do Maybe not even Gators. Maybe something maybe something smaller spiders big spiders If you got something I feel like that is way more maintainable like something like like big big hissing roaches You do one of those it's a creepy museum

It's when he goes to these though But then you explore show them how spiders aren't scary They're actually really useful to nature and that actually might be really nice I am more scared of spiders than I am of tigers and I understand that might be irrational But that's just the elephant in me I'm scared of the little things because you never know where they're coming and where they're going That's all I do is look for your little weak spots in your body. I know what you do So the GW exotic animal Memorial Park in

Woodwood, Oklahoma has now officially been handed over to Carol Baskins, that's we'll see what happens now. This is to me the end of like the first trilogy Yeah, exotic versus Carol Baskins. It's like this is the Hobbit is Is now over of their story and then we'll see where it goes from there. We'll see if there is enough gas To take it to a third trilogy because I'll definitely tell you what they try to do it would do an over and over again Yeah, absolutely. Of course, don't forget Joe. He's got 22 years in the clink So unless something happens and he can get a new trial It's going to be a long long time before he can challenge Baskin back on the street

I had another idea that I was thinking about today. All right, listen, right? People have like like, you know trying to think of a spitball and solutions. Okay, what we're dealing with right now, right? Everybody says and I'm sorry. I guess I'll put the bit aside. I understand we can't have robot cops. All right, I get it It's horrible to have robot cops. I know they can be hacked. They can be reprogrammed They're just going to be programmed to kill. I'm just saying I get it, right? I guess that's problematic I guess it's some people don't understand that we just need the proper Dictatorship in place. You know, I mean if I could listen I'm just putting myself out there I could listen I could create a council of rivals and I'd listen and I make it very I could make it

Make it so nice. You wouldn't have to worry about this shit anymore. We know I would say right. Mm-hmm. Instead of robot cops and They and they're having problems having like civilians watch cops and regulate cops What if robots? Regulated cops and they have a watch bot. They have like a watch cop. There's like little thing that watches them and every single time They do something bad that gets zapped By this fucking robot, right? Again, I don't know how you didn't get cast as dr. Robotnik because that's exactly what he did You are talking like a sonic the hedgehog arch villain

Take them take it out right take all of their they take all of like the grays and all the weird nuances and trying to figure out Like why the fact that our politicians are so scared of the police unions wait so aliens are now involved as well No, no, no, no, I'm saying it's taken a human factor out of like the the police unions acting like the mafia and the government being Scared of the police unions. I think you're gravely Misunderstanding community placing. I feel like we need the human factor. That's a good thing so then they can relate we got that You're asking for you're just We have that but then we have oversight being done by ruthless Bots right that are built to just watch the police. Yeah, that's not gonna backfire

You know what Henry? I think watch cops, you know, it's an idea. It's an idea and I You know it keeps it but good listen and then I think that you can have trackable like you trackable so more surveillance You look at your like the cops have to have they they get basically a report card of how well they do the better They do the last time they have to spend with a watch cop assigned to them. Well, I think you know, I think we're gonna move on But thank you for your opinion. Thank you for your thoughts for a while I'm happy to have this round table If you don't have to do anything better the cops is Apple and then zap people if they have problems with it That's a problem. That's a problem

Let me put but then you let an oversight you have like some kind of innocent company like Amazon Oh, man, Amazon is here to help all of us. You saw how that they they're reaching out They really want make sure that those these protests stay safe because they because it's certainly not like they're making a bunch of money Send it in supplies after everything is destroyed. It's very interesting. It is indeed Well, if that was the case if we did have robots tasing folks, I'll tell you one thing this guy would have gotten tased he did He did a great. He committed a crime. This was this is a typical and we're gonna get to the cannibalism here in a second But this is a typical Vermont crime this dude in Berkshire County He's facing an assault charge because he threw a large pickle at a Vermont State Highway employee

So what this is the future that the left wants for you? That's this is a liberal pickle pickle assaults everything would be great Their protests in Vermont was like cops so that they literally all just played Twister together and just like walked on the street hand-in-hand because the cops don't even have guns in Vermont They just have flashlights because they can then illuminate problems in society Yeah, and then everyone sits together and talks about it's actually it's a nice place Vermont Hey, a lot of a lot of guns in Vermont a lot of other reports This is this was picked up by the Associated Press because there's nothing going on in the world that

warrants more coverage than the pickle assault this incident occurred just before 6 p.m. This past Monday on US Route 7 in Pownall near the border crossing of Massachusetts According to the passenger in the car that had the object thrown at them They determined it was a large pickle that hit the highway worker. I just quote caused him pain That's how big was this pickle? It was a large pickle. I don't know It's not the most in-depth article, but you can assume a large pickle is probably anywhere from five four to six inches I think that's a that's a pretty healthy size pickle and then what we're looking at here is Maybe eight ounces. I'm guessing like an eight-ounce five-inch pickle. That's a lot of concern if fucking

Do you know the do you know the um? sexual performer Remington steel Yeah, sure do you know who I'm talking about every day? I feel like you have to hold up the pickle to their cocks Right and decide that to me is a criminal level size pickle if you're gonna throw it at somebody This whatever it is six inches. You're still looking at a Henry Zabrowski range pickle We also have to remember Henry. We're talking in automobile going at least 60 miles an hour You're gonna get a velocity on that pickle don't I mean your job to be able to throw a pickle as fast as that

And that's just to make the sandwiches all fast Although no Jimmy Johnson's a problem, and I'm taking it easy on Taco Bell as well But oh Taco Bell those fucking pieces shit just gave money to Trump's game I'm not talking we don't not even bringing that up right now. That's that's gonna make you openly weep But it'll help my waistline. So I'm gonna take everything. They're taking everything Nonetheless pickle assaults are out there folks. So be very careful always keep your mouth open Just in case you can catch. No. No, don't you dare because then that like you know what that could turn into pickle murder Slides on your throat you fucking choked to death

But I I mean like let's just for a little bit though if we're throwing pickles at each other and you're getting mad at it Maybe feel like the next like week. Let's put a moratorium on calling the police about it Let's like just like let's think about what we're getting angry about here or maybe set up a set of priorities Sure, like you know we could maybe talk about like, you know It's just glancing in passing about how anonymous just rebumped all of the witness testimony That was sealed behind a plea deal that now just got leaked of Several witnesses saying that they saw Donald Trump our president Jeffrey Epstein make love to a little girl There's a lot of stuff. I'm gonna get upset about the proper term. Yeah, they weren't they weren't and so that's what I'm saying

There's a lot of stuff out there. I think it's interesting how people cherry pick What they get mad about right about how do you remember how last week people were having full-on protests about them being inside? And they said it was a fucking police state. We're stuck inside the fucking COVID-19 bullshit But I didn't see them having helicopters Like keeping people inside when it wasn't about police brutality and free speech Well, the police have been militarized for a long time ever since that 1033 program And of course we do in many ways live in a police state So that is just the reality also if it's 8 p.m. You better go home

They're purposely making the protests illegal so you're automatically Breaking the law which is why you give to bail funds because people like just like my normal comedian friends that were at the protests yesterday That all got arrested and they just are a part of that system And they just got all roped off because they created they bumped they fucking with the curfew times to surprise you and net you if you're a Comedian what haven't you had in a long time a crowd and what is a greater crowd than a hostage crowd in a jail cell where you say You don't mind if I do a tight 10 to you and then you go in and you start roasting and then that'll go over great We've been inside for two months, right? This is the first audiences and crowds. We've all had in a long time I am with you kissle

I'm about to say let's just take our live show and just put it next to one of the protesters and just to be able to entertain people again I miss it so bad. I do miss it outside with people. Of course people are all running to the protest It's fun to be with people one It's good to see your fellow man again Even George Clooney didn't see such a perfect storm as this some people also have had like I mean like There's so many different reactions to what's going on right now to the injustice of the protest And there are some people that have had like some I want to say like really out of school reactions And one of those guys is this richard man who was caught cannibalizing his 90 year old grandmother

I know that we're all upset right now. Sure, but I just feel like that. This is just like not the way To express it. Yeah, I always say Grandmothers their best Uneaten no need to take your grandmother's temple and put a little spoon on it Like you're trying to crack an egg I say just leave your 90 year old grandmother alone because how much more time could she possibly have left? Don't eat her please and I know that's a controversial statement here from side stories But I don't mean to be like this don't eat granny. Hashtag don't eat granny very serious episode

Yes, right and we've been talking about the issues big time and my thing is my grandmother was a fucking disgusting old bitch I would never have eaten her in a thousand years Your grandmother was a sweet granny like the one that watches tweety bird you would be like Mmm salivating staring at her, but the fact she was mean you're like oh the meat spoiled I mean she was I mean all together. I just don't want her in a closer I didn't want her any closer to me to begin with okay, so if you look at this story this comes from ABC 7 news I'll just read a little bit of this a richman man was arrested this week on suspicion of murder and was reportedly found attempting to eat The victim's body when law enforcement officers arrived

I don't know if they showed up and he could like cut up a bunch of onions or he had a fucking apron on I'm not really certain how they knew Well, unless he was just covered in blood and there was chunks of her meeting there's chunks of there was chunks of her missing I feel like that would have to be the way because the officers say they they responded to the home It's in a it's in a fairly quiet residential area not anymore. They read the report California They heard a report of a man standing over a woman's body Covered in blood when they entered the home. They found Dwayne Wallach Standing over his grandma. Oh my god. Wait a second

This isn't blood This is ketchup It's a kind of make it that'll even make a granny taste good because you know what I call French fries just spoons for ketchup That's disgusting. I you know that that I know that that's not true about you actually I love ketchup Yeah, but not like we've already talked about when we said no names last time but hold the McNeely he that he eats ketchup like that Well, he will eat it without the fry. Oh I hate ketchup Anyway, the cops showed up the order for me

I mean, honestly, it's insane and but that's why I'm going to move on because I'm so aggravated So they were like Wallach stop the cops again. We're not even gonna talk about how in different circumstances He may have been shot almost 100% okay. We're not gonna talk about that They used a stun gun on him after the struggle. He was handcuffed and arrested. He's in the hospital This is the kind of spot. We're like if you want to rough up this guy That's probably a good move. You know, I mean when it's like, I don't know why it can't be like that, right? George Floyd wasn't even getting in the car. They had nowhere. They had four guys. They could have gotten in the car This is a guy who has covered him blood. He just got done eating his grandma eating his grandma

This is when you do the chokeult Well, I would say we don't do it at all but Ruby Wallach. She was pronounced dead on Monday and RIP miss Ruby You never know. This is why You gotta keep your if you're a grandma How do you try? This is not the first time we've seen some matter of fact Didn't we last week cover a story where another grandmother was killed by the granddaughter or something? I just feel like there's a lot of people Once you get to 90 that I guess folks think you're tasting good

I you know, maybe you get to 90 and you've always viewed your grandson as that little boy You know, I mean at some point you looked that little boy, you know when he was born Seven pounds, you know, and you came in you brought flowers me like I'm so excited to see my grandson And then you get does he gets older, you know, like you might don't you don't see him as much maybe You know me maybe grandson you become kind of a strange she gets busy with his life and the cats and the cradle and the suit Oh, he gets living. He's doing it. He's you know, he's doing his own thing and then maybe I mean We don't know anything about this guy, but I'm gonna maybe put it on limb there Then maybe he you know doesn't have a job or maybe he's dealing with a bunch of stuff and you don't really understand

How dark it's got you know what I mean? So you're like, yeah, it's so you grab your fucking grandson It's like grandma come over for fucking lunch today I'm so excited to make lunch today and you like think like oh, yeah, it's been called me in ten years But this is what a nice time. It's he seems pretty out of sorts and he seems pretty agitated And then you're just excited to see him. You've made the little sandwiches and stuff and then he just comes in the first thing That's like grandma. I gotta take the devil out of your asshole. Oh my why do you me and then steps? Well, I wouldn't be surprised this guy does sort of sound a bit richer chase he doesn't he and also wasn't richer chase in The San Francisco area. Is there something in the water? What's going on in San Francisco? Yeah, human shit is in the water

That's what we know about there. It's fucking riddled with human shit I can't imagine how it's going right now. Well, you never know people are having fun out there They're you know, they Are they I don't know taking a dump in public is something that I think is quite joyous because of the curfew and the lockdown I have taken more public urinations than previous because there's no place for me to go to the bathroom And if you're gonna shut the door on me, well, then you know what the whole damn place is a year at all as far as I'm concerned It's a dog's life It's a dog's life and it's a fun one puffin is never happier than me when he has a three-poop walk

He knows I'm gonna clean it up. He stares at me when he does it now almost taunting me And it's the most shit I've ever seen come out of a dog It's insane how much he poops and he circles around he can make a full circle Almost like the smiley face bomber that I actually knew at UW stout when he was trying to make a smiley face right after 9 11 Turns out it didn't work because when you make a when you make something that every cop knows Like when they know how to make it look for it. Yes Yeah, we kind of know what states to look at me For him at but the way it puffin does it it is it is taunting and it's it's mean spirited

But you know, he just knows that in the end He does like it a little bit because it shows that the work that you put into feeding him actually has a result Like the poo poo is like a solid result of your hard work feeding puffin. I can't tell you how much I How I can I know how healthy he is because of his poops. I know I've been doing a good job I haven't had a runny poop in three months. You got to look at your own poops You got to look at your own poops to make sure I Janelle James actually did post a very fun She's one of the funniest comedians in the world. She posted a very funny I just to go off a public shitting and it's just an example of the privilege the white people can have sometimes

She showed a video of this like anarchist like cross-punk chick on top of an over term cop car Taking a shit like she's just a full-on chick coming out of her ass. Oh, yeah, and cops are just walking right past her Like you feel like well now to be fair Literally, Janelle James. It's like this is the kind of shit. We're talking about she is openly shitting on a cop car And there's nobody macing her to be fair The shit screen is real you cover yourself with shit. It is very possible You're a monster at this point. No one wants to a touch. No one wants to touch you attack I feel like there is a power when just human nature when you see someone taking a public shit in your brain

You can erase it. You can just be like I'm not supposed to be seeing that. I don't want to be seeing that So I am just blinders on going straight The power of poop in public can never ever Be underestimated you just smear yourself in it That's a good tip for the protesters. If you don't want to go to jail cover yourself in your own shit and blood I mean, I mean or you'll get roasted when you go to the jail cell and the person is doing his tight 10 They'd be like oh now the poopy monster is here and then then you're gonna get you know murdered as a comedian But who is this guy who smells like shit is this guy said build a blaseo. Come on guys

Oh my god, no shit. Honestly, that would make a lot of sense. He's not not Representing tall people very well that guy is horrible Oh, he's not doing real good man. It really seems like he's also kind of missing the mark It's like there's like a lot of people just like not doing good. I really think that we could use an eight I want to Anybody above comptroller on a local level. I mean every single Politician and leader needs to be replaced. How do we do that? I think you just want to replace them with robots I I'm also it's called the best train robots. Nothing the my robots will be

Responsible they're gonna listen. They're gonna say we're gonna have a listen function Where you can press a button on them. They'll they will listen and grant you I mean three strike policy Apparently you did not watch the new Chucky because these damn things can go crazy. I'm saying give him a shot We should give a shot. All right, let's do let's do one more story here before we get into the hero of the week This story is quite interesting. It's about a sexual fantasy Henry You know how we all have sexual fantasy some of them are different Maybe some are dukey related and if that's the only thing that you do nefarious I'm not even nefarious if that's your only kind of kink. Hey go go have it cover yourself in it

I don't care. No. Yeah, I go a lot of times I just tell like Nat pretends to be a lot of times a woman trapped inside of a burning building And I pretend to be a nude fireman Oh, it just so happens you're here when you would go up like a cotton ball. I I I get red when it's 80 degrees outside. Well How does the fantasy end I have sex with my wife. Oh, she wasn't taking a dump, but she wasn't a fight That would be sad anyway That's it. It's that complicated. This is a sexual fantasy gone

On horribly horribly wrong. So this dude, I didn't I guess this is a home invasion fantasy So this guy hired someone to break into his house and I guess Peggum I don't know what you do. Maybe rearrange it. I don't know So it's just so much work the idea of hiring an actor like doing a whole thing. It's very very It's very difficult. They made this much harder than it needed to be really and also if you're going to do this Just make sure you have the address nailed out. Let them know maybe do a test run be like this is my house Because what happened here was They went into the wrong home. So two men with machetes entered the wrong house. This was in South Wales

Australia for quickly realizing their error They had been hired to carry out a client's fantasy of being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom Which again fine. Just get the house I gotta do man do what you got to do. Yeah, yes, please a judge concluded the facts of the case are unusual Which that's safe to say is of course, you know, he was aroused underneath his robe And the nice thing about the rose is you can touch yourself and no one can see nobody knows that's the best part about Graduating happy graduation class of 2020. So, Henry, how much would you pay to be handcuffed and know that you're about to have a home invasion? With two people with machetes. What do you think that goes for?

Um Okay, two people coming out now we're talking to so that's that's gonna be double the cost a matter of what that's two people How long are we talking about how long is the stroke session? I imagine yeah, if I were to low ball like if I was talking to them, they were like, well, what's your quote? I would say if I was gonna be one of those guys. I need a hundred fifty bucks an hour Simply because a hazard pay if I got a machete Um, I guess I have to get me all hard. Okay, once I'm hard. I am just like unreasonable Well, you are not even getting you're not even gonna get somebody with a butter knife to knock on your door for that much money

My friend, this was I don't know But you're talking about the best of dollars when it comes down to it Sometimes you have to raise your prices to show Quality and sometimes when you raise the price to show the quality of your product Then what you get out of it is a higher level you getting people who are committing It's you know, you got what you pay for I want things because you know, it's a fast good or cheap. You get two or three Right, so they so this dude spent 5k Okay, but this is the craziest part so they go in for the home invasion

But apparently this is true apparently the dude who called them for this moved to a different address 30 miles away and didn't tell them so he didn't update the two dudes So they entered the home on the street of the original address and wait a second How long did it take for him to put this together? I don't freaking know, bro But the I guess it might it take a month. It might take a month So this is what so the resident that noticed the home invasion also another strange tidbit This all took place at 615 in the morning So this guy maybe he wanted to make a day of it and you know how your dad and mom or just like we're going to Disney World

We'll be up at 3 o'clock in the morning We want to get there at 4 30 in the morning to stay in the parking lot for two hours and look at what we're about to do Because they were like every because I agree with them every cent you got two kids going to Disneyland That's just like fucking two grand these days. You literally have to be like we are gonna experience every fucking Pixel of joy in this theater. I remember being threatened by my parents just being like we're gonna have a good time today Because this cost your father a lot of money Absolute and I know nothing says a fun vacation like constantly be even reminded how much it costs your father

Always so the resident who lived there. He noticed a light was on his kitchen at 615 a.m He just figured his buddy was making coffee But what he but then the men called out the name of their client the resident turned on the light and removed his sleep I apnea mask he was wearing Yeah, do you think that they only knew him by his like online handles, so they're like, you know a bingleberry 420 We're here for you to rape you Above his bed with the machetes Oh

Fucking Amazon Prime is fucking getting aggressive man Yeah, I guess so when they realized the error one of the men said sorry mate and shook the residents Two men and drove the two men then drove to the correct address So, you know, I guess it's good to have a trial run The client would you like how about that though? How about you dad happens to you right because I'm gonna say all together that's probably with travel on gas money All this kind of shit. It's probably all told cost that dude. I'm gonna put out there. I'm gonna say grant If this ends up accidentally being your fucking super fetish, right just rolling in your house. You got that for free

I guess you're screaming because two men with machetes Fucking woken you up from a dead sleep to have sex with you Or maybe it is like that seen an animal house where the kids looking at the playboy and then all of a sudden the bunny comes through The window, maybe it is just like oh, thank you for free, but that wasn't the case So when the dudes actually showed up at the right address, this is where the guy This is why I really don't like the original client. He noticed the big knife in the guy's pocket and you know what he did Henry He said put it in the car. That's too scary for me So he wasn't even all in and then apparently the client cooked bacon eggs and noodles and a short time later

The police arrived found the machete and arrested the hired pair Oh the judge has ruled that the men's actions were intentional and They carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in the fantasy He said the fantasy was unscripted and there was Discretion as to how it would be carried out and again You got to clarify if you want machetes or don't want machetes. You really do you guys say Okay, that's one of those where you got to put that in the comment section

They're like no machetes, please you just make sure grub hub or uber eats and you have to be like No, no avocado for me horrible allergy. Oh my god Well, you know, I'm just we learn a lot and you can learn a lot by making mistakes So it's just speaking out about racism and police brutality and I like taking it back to that Off of this story. Yes. So the lawyer for Terrence Leroy one of the accused said it was a commercial agreement to tie Up and stroke a semi-naked man in his underpants They keep on saying stroking with a broom Henry. I don't how do you know what that means? How do you stroke with the boy like your dirt your dirt? He's like I'm dirt. I'm a big pile of dirt

I don't know if that's it. You stroke it with the with the okay I'm thinking like the handle for so you stroke it with the with the with the bristles The yes, obviously, I don't I'm seriously. I'm just like you grab both a peg in them with the broom handle I think they'd say that I'd say that I mean, I think technically that term is called doing the janitor Because if you fucking angle the end of any fucking broom handle inside of a man's butt But you have to ask him you got to ask him guys Please beloved God in 2020 you got to ask first but then you know if you're gonna stroke them with that

I just don't understand him with the pleasure it is. But again, I'm not I'm guess I'm vanilla. Yeah, I guess yeah Well, I guess we're all vanilla when it comes to that. All right. Are you ready to do here of the week? Mr. Zabrowski, I mean, I'm looking for a hero. I feel like this time period I actually feel like during these time periods the other night before all of this shit hit there was a I heard this like Fucking bunch of shots. It was really really intense and this like police helicopters everywhere at some point Do you remember that like guy that was like doing this the vigilante superhero stuff? Yeah Yeah, that guy I was like, I'm really surprised we're not seeing a lot more of that during this time period

Well, that's one that is one aspect of the dystopia that like sci-fi dystopia We've kind of like rolled into that. I haven't seen yet. We haven't seen well Don't forget force of vigilantes not all heroes wear capes. Mr. Zabrowski, perhaps they're out there and we can't see them That was a great story the Seattle guy. I believe I think he may have died, but I'm not 100% sure I think he might have been sued out of existence. Do you think Marvel? Do you think Marvel or like DC comic suit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's copy right now I think he was sued for probably tasing somebody you shouldn't have tased because that's the danger That's the real legal gray area you get into vigilante ism. Yes. All right. Let's do hero of the week

You know what? I'm just gonna throw a surprise third one in because we got a lot of heroes this week Number one the 103 year old woman who beat COVID and she celebrated with an ice-cold bud light Did you see that mr. Zabrowski? I did and I celebrated her. She did deserve it. She did deserve that bud light I mean, I wish it could have been a Sam Adams, but no, she's too classy for a Sam Adams Her name is Jenny Stenja. She tested positive in late April and she has survived She's 103 and they got a picture of her in her hospital bed with my favorite kind of bud light the bud light that comes in the aluminum can Or yeah, I like the tall boy the cuz you know what reminds me of his fucking concerts and sports games. Yeah, that's true All right, sadly, we're not able to determine if this story is 100% real or not

But you know what? I want it to be real. So gosh darn it. It is this is about a female pastor identified as Pastor mrs. Veronica. She claims that she can cure men's infertility by wiping her vagina But for no more than two minutes and that'll cure you and I I just think I'm just happy someone's trying We need an outreach and if there's some magical vagina out there that could do it I fucking For the love of God We need it now Absolutely, we need magic pussies more than ever before so pastor for Radica. Good job

She says that the body fluid touches his manhood such a man will be healed of his fertility problems And I hope that it's true Well, it's not even that the fertility problems would be nice if it was just like was our way to like just like X out the rage Can I just blink and then the rage can elevate? Yeah, maybe that's also what she's doing It's also a public service. She says my mission on earth is to cure men of their infertility problems through sleeping with them It's each session must not last more than two minutes. So you better get it done fast guys I know me you put a clock on there. I mean my head. I can't do anything Even if it comes down to a quick session alone. I I need lengthy amounts of time

I can't feel the stress or the pressure. Maybe that's why I was never given the basketball late in the game Yeah, I don't know why you were never the clutch Basketball team I don't know I Don't know because you know what happened was you wouldn't be able to handle Michael Jordan fucking yelling at you And you having to practice hard to keep up with him. No, I definitely would not have been able to handle that I would have I would have cried every single day. I would have cried There's no way it would have been able to handle him and lastly speaking of love a man Congratulated his girlfriend after she finally farted in front of him after three years of being in a relationship

Ryan McClerns girlfriend Kaylee Warren. He's she's 21. He's 24. It took her three years to fart in front of him And because he was so proud of her he bought her a birthday He bought her a cake and it said it's been a wonderful three years and Congratulations on your first fart and I just feel like hero of the week is also fart in front of your partner because if they can't handle You at your fart, then they don't deserve you at your you know whimsical speaking. Yep. So there you go That's what happens and so congrats. Thank you. Have you done that? Have you been farting a lot? Do you do you still try to keep it in in front of Natalie or do you just let it? No, I keep it in we are we're not a we don't want to slide into that territory

You don't think you don't think that's fun cuz some families when I was growing up one of my best friends at the time His family was there were like the clumps there were a burp burpin and farting family and they are not together That's the Satanist part of me that I've just not into we just don't do it We're not that kind of we don't like to debase ourselves with the farting and and the burping in front of each other I honestly don't know if Nat can fart She keeps it and she does it like I don't think she does it on purpose It's not like she fears retribution for me if she farts in front of me But I think that she pretty much keeps it to herself or she puts it into the she takes like model poops model poops are different

I don't know buddy, and I'm sure None of us will ever find out. Thank God. I mean, yeah, I'm not in there being like all right. Let me see it I don't let me make sure you're healthy. Let me make sure you're like Ben's dog puffin I mean, I'll take it but but it will for me. I try not to just I don't want to disgust her with my friends I get you up a myth busters on like seasoned quadrillion when they were totally out of ideas They did bust the myth that women don't fart. They strapped up a microphone But she did this it's a fucking full fetish I didn't know they made like fart microphones that are like they just hang perfectly there right above the hole

I don't know. Well, here we go. They'd be I looked into Dune, right? I wanted to look into the good book the Satanic Bible for a thing to read about for today But problem is that it was kind of the wrong tone because there's a lot of vengeance stuff in there And I feel like we should like we'll save vengeance for until whether or not they're gonna send tanks down the streets to Quell the protests and then we'll figure out where we lie, but I went to the other good book I went to Dune went to see what's a thing that we could take away And I think one of these important one statement that he says and I think it's the thing. It's truly it's true It's like without change something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens the sleeper

Must awaken that's us. That was about Paul tradies. Sounds like that's about farting again in front of your wife I mean, that's it can be applied to a lot of things. That's why Dune is so good interesting Another and I did this comes from a boy Lido to write God Emperor because he saw this whole thing you understand He said like knowledge exists teeters on the edge of a knife point You have to be able and find out you have to challenge yourself and he said and always He fought the temptation to choose a clear safe course warning that that path leads ever down into stagnation So when you see all of this chaos in the street, that is growth We're at a point where we have to

Come to terms with some of our bullshit I am happy that you're putting in this social movement in the context of of what you understand and many of the audience understand in the context of Dune Very prophetic stuff very powerful. It is just really true Just remember it's we have to challenge ourselves and this is a questioning time This is an introspective time and it also showing what you're all about time. So, you know Fucking be the person that you want to like tell your kids or my grand dogs That you that you want to be during this time period, you know that I think it's really important Are you starting Wendy? I just feel like it's also interesting that there are so many people that talk about freedom and stuff in this

Country that form into these fucking militias that then join onto the sides of the police state when it comes down to it These absolutely are one of the worst stripes of human beings that exist in this country The whole point of your little freedom movement was supposed to question the government and now we're seeing the fucking vacuum of leadership up top and where that's led us and let us to Fucking nothing dude. If any of our brothers and sisters are not free then none of us are free. All right, everyone Thank you so much for listening to this week's side stories I'm just gonna leave it simple and say live laugh love and this time for serious and that's it This is wow. I think it's for serious. I think that we're gonna take that back

We're gonna take it back for Michaels. We're gonna take it back for Walmart from one for one day Oh, yeah, you go to a hand Cheryl's house and you see all her fucking see your her knick-knack So you see your fucking like, you know all that bullshit up and all the walls all of that being like I'll have my mocha Valium latte, please like those funny little things, but maybe now people sit in like, you know, take that triple L I don't think I've ever seen I'll have my mocha Valium please my mom has one of those But but she they learn my father has grown quite a bit you go to ask my father my father's like I don't think they should be choking anybody. You're like wow dad

Very very you know me that is really good, but I just want to say y'all we love you Um, and we're here for you. Absolutely. Let us know what you want from us, man, too Don't afraid to hit us up side stories LP otl a gmail.com And take care of yourselves and if you're gonna go protest get goggles in a helmet be safe out there y'all Keep on supporting all the shows here on last podcast network. We will be with you Till the end. What is that for my house of a thousand corpses? I believe that was the that was what? Captain Spalding said or something like that. Yeah, and remember and also I got briefly talk I feel like we can then just dedicate the very end of this episode to Breonna Taylor as well

Absolutely like that's another story that you can look up to look up that story look up the Tulsa massacre There's a lot of fucking fucked up shit It'll keep you busy and again, we will keep you up to date on abling its top hat about all the moving parts as we see This is the dystopian future predicted by the sci-fi world that mr. Zabrowski resides in maybe the sci-fi author should have had a rosier depiction of the future And we wouldn't be here right now William Gibson is trying to change that and that's frapped for the next generations too and our current generations instead of viewing this idea Of like of a dystopia of a dark future

Which is a thing that we we kind of fetish eyes and we're super into all throughout the 80s and the 90s in our pop culture It's not kind of coming home or roost because you see what you kind of set yourself up for these circumstances You do project your own reality. We are we aren't in this bullshit So the next generation has to start thinking about like what's hopeful how to reach towards the skies Those two astronauts had to go up to the ISS and nobody give a fuck they are up there I watched the SpaceX launch and I was like, please don't explode. I was just like, oh my god. Oh my god The ISS is asking the Russians and they're being there like up there like maybe we should bring back the PP Tape do we have it on the space station because I do think if it's anywhere

It's on the space station. Well, who knows either way have fun out there The best you can if you if you're gonna order people to come into your house and have sex with you via machete Just let him know you moved. That's my only let him know just shoot him a text shoot him a text. All right, everyone Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan magustylations everyone Hail me, but you know what? Hey, I'm gonna flip that around and say hail you today You fucking piece of shit. Let's do this. Look at that. Well, then you but then you yelled at him This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com