Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Every Horror Movie Is My Child

Episode Date: August 29, 2018

This week, Ben 'n' Henry go to the cinema. Come all who seek laughter and love and horror movies and a Polish soldier bear and an anime-crazed serial killer. Triple L. All new Ozark episodes available only on Netflix, starting August 31st

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Lori, Lori, Lou, man. Lori, Lou. I put up with this. It was me with the friend Billy Wayne Davis. It's a very funny stand-up comedian. Yesterday, he decides to... We're going to go to this high times party together. Because for weed.

Yeah, I got that. We're two mid-30s men. We were rocking it out. I had my firework shirt on. I was ready to go. I was ready to smoke for weed. Kind of a Katy Perry vibe, huh? Yeah. And we go in. I get all ripped up. Right before we go in and we spark one before going in there to make sure it's good and awkward.

Well, why'd you get stoned before you go into the party? By the way, this is side stories, everyone. I am Ben Kissel. That's Henry Zabrowski. Why would you get stoned before you're going into a party to get stoned? That's like pre-gaming. That's what you used to do in college, with booze. See, you say that with booze. I view it more like food. It's like I'm getting appetizers before you eat.

Think about that. You get a whole little meal before you supposedly are capital E eating. At capital D dinner, right? You have a bread. You have almost an entire loaf of bread. You have a couple of buckets of baba ganoush. Ooh, and the butter. I like those little butter things, yeah? Do you do a whole pat? Sure. I'll go crazy.

If you're trying to be conservative these days, do you split a pat in two? Well, I'll put it... I mean, I'll take multiple... Well, I don't know. I'll have a little bit of butter. Not too crazy. When we showed up at this high times party, it was like a high nightmare. We walked in.

Really? Immediately, the two people... It was at this mansion. These security guards grabbed us. They were like, come this way. They were like, okay. I mean, we're high as shit. We're also... We're men that like to sit on our couches for the most part. Right, right.

All of a sudden, we're filling out forms. They're like, here's this form. I hate all the forms! I was like, why am I filling out forms? First of all, what am I supposed to be doing here? Like, Weinstein-esque, we're all going to kill a girl in the Hills party. And if it is that, it should be at night.

Like, it shouldn't be in the afternoon in full view of the day. And then they were like, so don't worry. We're going to talk with the 80. We're going to put mics in you guys. We have cameras everywhere. I was like, this is a high person's nightmare. This is literally paranoia, central USA.

It's a bunch of men with earpieces in and cameras everywhere. This is what makes people have panic attacks where they jump out of their cars when they're smoking. Sure, sure. These thoughts, not the actual reality. You should not be driving if you're that stoned, but interesting.

So it's like, was there a hostile situation? Did you get taken down to a basement? Did they cut off people's toes in front of you? What happened? We left. Good. All right, everyone. That's for the best.

I was at a party last night for Carolina Hidalgo, Marcus's girlfriend. She celebrated a birthday. Can't believe she is 22 years old. 22. Wow, unbelievable. And Holden McNeely was there at this party. Of course, Holdenators Ho, that's what he says.

Whatever. Whatever. He brought his own game controller to Marcus's house, and he brought his own Street Fighter game, and it was really a throwback. I felt like I was back in middle school, and your big nerd Fred comes over, and he's got his own power pad,

and he was very dominant with it. Is it good that it felt like middle school? No. No, it's weird. It's weird that he brought it. Travis, am I not right? It's weird that Holden brought his own video game controller to the party.

Who does that? We're in our thirties. I smoked a little bit before showing up for that party, and I still ended up on Marcus's couch playing Cuphead for 40 minutes, completely alienating my girlfriend, which was a jerk move. Travis gets it.

That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to, I honestly do believe, the idea of smoking before you go into an establishment, a part of it is kind of adding, you're adding a purposeful cloud of confusion so that you can kind of test your brain to see if it's up to the challenge of being out with people.

I once was invited to, do you know the James Beard House? Yeah, you have to go? Big, fancy restaurant chef house in... Isn't that some award you get, you get a James Beard Award? It's a big deal. Is it for facial hair?

No, no, no. It's for food. It's for food. You fucking asshole. So I was invited to like a fancy wine dinner thing, and this was right after, I don't know if you remember, some guy tried to blow up New York City,

but all he did was blow up a dumpster in Chelsea. Yes, I remember. Then he got hammered and went to Jersey and passed out outside of a bar, and then they arrested him in the morning. That story is actually very under-reported. The dude, for those that don't recall, it was right out, it was 23rd Street and 6th End,

or 7th Avenue, something like that. And the guy just got immediately lit, and that's a very bizarre way to get caught. So I was invited to go to the James Beard House, which is right around that area. And the day after an explosion in New York City is just like not the best day at a loiter in the city. You know, you don't want to look like that.

Because at the time, were you rocking a big old backpack? I was wearing a huge backpack. This is back before you guys like really paid me also. So I had like a huge hole in my crotch and my jeans, and I was a little high. Back when you really had to earn every laugh, that you had to earn every smile. So I went and I was waiting for someone

to let me in, a guy that invited me. And so I was sitting outside the James Beard House with a fucking hole in my crotch. And a limousine pulls up and Lady Gaga comes out with about four huge British bodyguards. And so she gets... Now how did you know they were British? Well, they look like a flock of James Bonds,

and they kept saying, this way, Mom, Mom, this way. You're on it. And so three of them ushered her into the James Beard House while I'm waiting outside. And one of the bodyguards told me to fuck off. Hey, alright. So I fucked off into the night. Well, you made it.

Was she wearing her meat suit? Because I loved that meat suit that she had. Remember that she dressed like a T-bone steak? It was one time. But it was awesome. And that's all the woman ever has to hear, ever again. Oh, you wear a meat suit one time. Everywhere I go, I'm a meat suit woman.

To the James Beard House, you wore little black dress. Okay. Little black dress. Well, a meat suit would have been more appropriate because it's a restaurant, and that would be on theme. Anyway. I always felt about Lady Gaga that if we did meet in a way, in some way, shape, or form, I'm not saying she'd be bold over by me.

I don't think so. Like in terms of like wanting, I mean, let's just face facts. I am charming, okay? Sure. We know that for a fact. Right. Well, but I think that she would date me ironically. Like she would date me as an artistic choice.

You think she has that kind of time to just ironically date random Polish people? She can do whatever she wants. Yeah, I think she's busy. Okay. Speaking of Polish, we're going to talk a little bit later on here about Wojtek. Now, this is a Polish bear.

Breaking news. A Polish bear from Wilmour to 1942 to 1963. This is side stories, ladies and gentlemen. This is not where you get all of your information. However, this is a really interesting situation that occurred during WWII. It's about a Syrian brown bear. Listen, I got this from a listener.

I can't find his name. I should look at this on side stories. It's got a thing and it's just a bad ass of the week. Wojtek, the army bear. And I was like, yeah, dude. And it turns out he's fucking a Polish hero. He's another Polish hero that joined the ranks of the Polish army working for the Allies in order to fight the fucking Nazis.

Evidently, he was the rank of corporal. So that's a big deal for a bear, not so easy to do. That's big. And he said he'd sit around the fire. They found him with a young Indian boy, a Polish... I mean, obviously this is a Polish... This is a Polish army. Right, of course.

The young Indian boy that they found on the street. He was just like, oh, I'm so hungry. He's like, no, do not save me. I do not have enough food for my bear friend. And he was this little bear and then they raised this bear up to hate Nazis. And they would sit around the fire with them and smoke cigars and give it vodka and shit.

Well, in the spring of 1942, the newly formed Anders army left the Soviet Union for Iran, accompanied by thousands of Polish civilians, accompanied by thousands of Polish civilians who had been deported to the gulags following the Soviet invasion of Poland in 1939. And during a rest stop near the town of Hamadan in Iran, well, en route to Tehran,

a group of Polish soldiers encountered a young Iranian boy who had found a bear cub after its mother had been shot by hunters. This is Bambi. This is the story of Bambi, but it's about a bear who ended up fighting the Nazis and defending freedom across the globe. What a better story than Bambi, because then you also have the same thing.

It's mistreated. It's this bear that's getting mistreated, played by a Bradley Cooper. Oh, of course. We could do this in a movie. Sure. And then it gets to go, and then you do have 25 solid minutes of bears

ripping up Nazis. That's a movie. Oh, absolutely. Of course. This movie is awesome. By the way, we will be talking about the new Puppet Master film, the littlest rike speaking of Nazis.

Henry and I have very varying, extremely different views on this film, because I liked it, and Henry is being a little stick in the mud, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not being a stick in the mud. I'm the funnest boy that's ever lived. All right, look at my shorts.

Look at how, look at how... Yes, you are wearing... Look at my shoes. I got these new shoes. Look at these shoes. They're green. They look like you stepped in GAC. Remember that?

It's fun, though. That's what the kids are doing. All right, so we're going to go through... All right, so Kissel and I are very similar. I don't know about Travis. You watch the same amount of horror movies as we watch? Yeah, I was pretty much raised on horror movies. I have Blade from Puppet Master in my room,

a replica setting in my room. We saw you purchase it this year at Comic-Con, which was a lot of fun. You and Marcus got to go and live your boy dreams. Yeah, and Marcus has Six Shooter in his living room, and I have Blade in mine. Should we wrap up on the bear? I think that we're...

I just feel like it's going to be one of those topics where we jumped in is that what you should go do is go look that story up. It's fun as shit. I actually, I just saw it. I just started going through it. So I want to watch, like, I want to see if there's any doc footage on him.

Got to see it. There is a documentary about him. I have to see it. So apparently the bear was donated to the second transport company, which later became the 22nd artillery supply company who was given the name Vochek, and Vochek initially had problems swallowing

and was fed condensed milk and an old vodka bottle. He didn't drink the vodka. He ate the bottle. Now, this is the kind of soldier you want. So, okay, so the guy was having a hard time swallowing. So then they gave him fruit, they gave him marmalade, they gave him honey and syrup, and he was often rewarded with beer.

This is the greatest story in the history of stories, and why aren't we only talking about this every day? I don't know. I want to see him getting trained. I want to see him having them, because you know what they probably had to do, is that similar, is that the trainer would be like, good boy chick, good boy chick,

and then he's just like, he's like, okay, he leaves, he gets dressed in a full Nazi uniform with like padding on it, with a big, like fucking swattsig on it, going like, I kick it, boy chick, I kick, I kick, I kick. And so he has to, you have to go with it and probably like smack the bear around,

dress as a Nazi for him to start realizing that you got to start attacking the Nazis. This is a Polish training mechanism. It's really unique to the Polish people. That is for certain. Apparently he also began smoking cigarettes, he also loved wrestling with soldiers, and was taught to salute when greeted.

This is incredible. What's the name of the movie about this bear? I have to watch this like immediately. Wojtek, the bear that went to war. That's fucking awesome. And the image of... Did he have Kenny confirmed kills? Let's see here.

I'm going to look at Wojtek confirmed kills, who battle Nazis to be remembered. Oh yeah, because in 2010 they gave him a, they gave him a statue. He got a statue? Oh. That's great, that statue. The Edinburgh Zoo,

because they retired him to the, they retired him to the Edinburgh Zoo. Oh wow. Oh, he's at the Muska-Skor-Ski, he has a little monument in London where he's got books. Oh my God. He's got books.

So yes, apparently after the battle, after the war, he's got a great picture of him holding a piece of artillery. That's kind of his logo. Yeah, after the war he went to the Edinburgh Zoo, and that's where he spent the rest of his life, and oftentimes journalist and former Polish soldiers would come by and toss cigarettes at him,

and then he would eat them. I guess that made him happy. So he really did, like every soldier, every post-war soldier was just like, throw me some cigarettes. I don't smoke them, I eat them. He is such a classic, he's a classic warrior.

I love him. Oh my God. I want to see what his confirmed kills are. I think he might have been like a peaceful symbol. Could be. Dammit. He is holding an artillery shell in the picture that's sort of his iconic image,

so I don't know how peaceful, but... He may have been more of a mascot. Yeah, he died. Fine. He died December of 1963 at the ripe young age of 21. I thought the bears lived a little longer than that. Oh, actually here, I'm writing a BBC article about him, and there's actually a quote here about Ben.

For him, one bottle was nothing. Weighing 444 pounds, he did not get drunk. He's like Andre the Giant. I've been meaning to ask you this question recently, Kissel. We'll get back into this topic, we'll wrap it up. I wish beers were physically larger on the whole. Do you wish that beers were like 18 ounces? They got the 24 ounces now, the tall boys.

When we did our show in Santa Ana and in Phoenix, both of those venues had tall boys, so the beers are pretty big now. I think they're doing all right. No wonder it makes you feel more comfortable. Do you feel uncomfortable with a normal beer looking small in your hand? Well, it is kind of strange.

It's that iconic picture of Andre the Giant holding the 12 ounce. I think it's a Molson or something like that. I'm a little bit like that, not quite as big as Andre. But yeah, 12 ounce beer, it seems a little tiny and it gets lost in my hand. Yep. And then lost in your gullet.

Yes, until I can no longer drink alcohol, but that's why I'm not going to the doctor. But I've noticed you stopped carrying around buckets of beer. Yes, I stopped hauling my radio flyer full of booze. Yes, with my straw attached to it. This is my disposable family. Yes, yes ma'am, yes you can have it. But yeah, I'm, that's actually very sad

because it does look like Wojciech is not, like he maybe not have killed as much. Well, I think that's fine that he didn't kill. He's the Polish, he's the happy warrior. One thing that's fucked up is that all these are Russians too. If you look at the 10 deadliest snipers of World War II, they're all, these are all Russians. Really?

Shit. Well, the Russians. Most confirmed kills in American history in the, in World War II is a guy named Major Ivan Sideronko. Oh, wow. Killed 500 people. Now, is that, we're just taking him at his word for that or do you document that or?

I don't know how, that's actually a good question for our listeners. I know. About, I wonder how can you tell, how do they confirm kills in the military? Well, I know in modern war they go, they're like, you know, this guy looks like a suspect. Can I kill? And then someone's like, kill him.

And then they're like, check. But I'm not sure how it worked in WW2. Maybe something similar. But communication wasn't quite the same as it is now, obviously. So I don't know. Well, what it says here, the first thing I poked up on the second. According to Chris Kyle, the sniper is a subject of the film American Sniper.

What happens is this, snipers fill out after action reports that include self-reporting kills confirmed by a second witness. Interesting. So wow, you do have to film out. You have to fill out fucking, like, forms. Right, right. Yeah, that movie, I watched the film, it's interesting, they did not spend any money on getting a baby actor.

They got that doll and that really kind of derailed the whole thing in some ways. That was the dumbest scene in film history. Kind of weird, kind of weird the way they did that. Very strange. So that's a good segue into talking about horror movies in 2018. I think the one thing that what's nice about this show is that we do have an opportunity to talk about what we're watching because people have asked what our fucking idiot brains are watching.

And unfortunately, I spend the majority of my life watching, I'm not a big TV guy, except for love that's sharp objects. Yeah, you love sharp objects. I love sharp objects and Castle Rock is also very good. You have a TV butt, you got the body of a TV guy. No, it's tighter than it was. No, I know it's tighter than it was. It's an audio medium, you don't have to show it.

Well, thank you, Henry. It's shockingly flat and strangely hairy. There's no reason to look at that ever again. It's bigger than it was, I've got more meat on it than I did. It's like a painting of a smoke signal. Yeah, it's really bizarre, definitely you need a help here. But yes, no, but we watch a lot of movies. Nali and I are two people that we watch every horror movie coming down the pipe.

I'll watch all of them because we've seen before horror movies with my children. Some of them disappoint me more than others. Right, right, right. Well, let's talk, this has actually been a fairly good movie or good year for horror films. Hereditary came out, which we talked about at Nauseam. This is going to be a bit of a spoiler alert, but I want to talk about Puppet Master if we can get the chance. But I kind of want to rip through some of these.

I was looking at Rotten Tomatoes. They have their best and worst horror movies of 2018 by the Tomato Meter. Slenderman's off the list because it's PG-13. If you're going to make a horror movie about the fucking Slenderman and you don't want it to be stupid as shit, you make it rated R. Dude, I just watched yesterday on HBO. That's home box office because I have HBO. I just watched the documentary on Slenderman all about the two gals in Wisconsin.

Waukesha and what ended up happening with them was crazy. Obviously, I'm sure everyone knows this story. They took their friend out to the woods. I think they called her Bella and they stabbed her 19 times. She lived, but the two kids, they were 12 years old at the time. They both got tried as adults, which I think is crazy because they believe in Slenderman and obviously they are like, they have the mind of a child, but they got sentenced to 40 years and 25 years in a psychiatric clinic

because they are both considered cuckoo bananas. That's the official term that the court gave, but I just feel like they were 12 years old and they believe in Slenderman. So how are the adults, but they're not playing that Slenderman movie in Waukesha because they're concerned it's going to trigger too many people. Sure, I can see that. They also tore down the woods where the stabbing happened. They tore down like five acres of woods.

I was like, what is that? What is happening? It's Wisconsin. It's like the end of Fern Gully, but they did not know that a girl was murdered there and then they're like, why are they tearing down our beautiful wood? That whole case was so crazy. If you get a chance to watch that documentary, it's really sad actually. I have a very controversial opinion that I believe that the main, it's like six and one half a dozen of another.

The main girl that kind of was the spurring of the violence, the girl that got the longest sentence, her father truly was sick and schizophrenia. I think they told her that she did because that's how she was acting. I think she learned how to behave that way from her father and learned that it got her. I think that it's a weird sort of chicken and egg kind of scenario where she faked being crazy, but actually that makes you crazy, you know what I mean? Where she was mimicking her father's symptoms and using it as a way to get out of any culpability for crimes

because she was curious about stabbing this little girl and then she flipped it. I think she was just kind of cunning and it's actually really good for her to go into a hospital now because this is like, to me, it's like if you found Ted Bundy early. I guess so, but at the same time, the judge was like, well, the crime was so brutal that it has to mean that they're adults. I'm like, they believe in Slenderman. They believe in creepypastas. They're children.

I just don't know, 40 years and I think that might be a little bit over-sentence in my personal opinion. And of course, the girl did live, which is a big deal. It won't be 40 years. When are we going to get a Disney princess that believes in the Slenderman? I don't know when that's going to happen. Representation matters. I would watch that movie in a heartbeat. Cinderella going through her goth phase.

I love it. Winchester is not good. Winchester is not a good film. It's a little bit too slow. The original, again, it does the same thing where it takes the original story that is actually very sad and very touching and very spooky dookie and they fucking make it into an action film and the third act and there's no reason for it. Okay.

But what's the hell Amiran looking good? Of course, always one of the greatest actors in Hollywood history. Well, so then I saw Blumhouse's Truth or Dare. Yes, Truth or Dare was one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. I thought it was fun. Skip it. It's fun. When they go evil, they make the bitter beer face.

Yes. Well, Truth or Dare is. That's right. They do. Bitter beer face. That's how you know they're scared. The thing about Truth or Dare and this is a spoiler once again. Some of the dares just don't match up.

So one dare will be like drink a bottle of vodka and walk around the roof of your house and then don't fall. And then the other dares like have sex with your friend's boyfriend. Okay. But like one is more difficult than the other. And then she was like, I can't believe I have to do it. I'm just making a threesome or something. But that guy is not a difficult dare.

What I liked about that guy too is that he really only benefited from the entire scenario. That one main dude because he kept going like, oh, it says we have to sleep together. Oh my dude. I can't believe I have to do this. And then the other dares like take your eye out. Like it's just ridiculous. Yeah. I feel like one of the dares was like open yourself up to the concept of love.

Yeah. It's like what has happened that those are not. They don't make any sense. That's it. I can't do it. That movie was so ridiculous and so stupid. Oh, just so you know. So I'm going from the bottom up.

That's what this is. This is what this is telling me. The Cloverfield paradox was fine. Didn't see it. It was fun. It's an anime movie that they sort of made into a Cloverfield movie and I was fine with it. All right.

The new, the remake of the movie inside. Don't watch it. Watch the original. The new insidious, the last key was fun. I have to see that one. Look at this. I feel like I'm not providing enough hot content here. That's the one with the monster has a key for a finger.

Yes. I got it. So that was fun. It's not good, but it's fun. I love the insidious series and that one I was just like, I don't know. It wasn't so good and I didn't really want to ruin the series. It's not. What you should do is watch them.

That's the French film that the strangers is based off of the one with Liv Tyler. That movie's pretty good, but them is like horrifying. And if you can deal with subtitles, there's not that much. It's a very quiet film as well. So I recommend that movie if you have to watch one of them. All of the French neither films are wonderful. One that's not this year, but I rewatched me recently that was really good with the Devil's Candy, which also.

Yes. Demon House was really good by Zach Baggins. There are a lot of people that gave this shit because he's the guy from, he's the creator of Ghost Adventures. And it does have a Ghost Adventures flair to it, but it's a fucking really good semi-fiction slash documentary style horror movie that'll get your blood pumping. All right. I saw that one.

I didn't click on it because of Zach. Sometimes I look at his face and we've talked about this before. We're always yelling at the ghost and I bring some pizza, bring it, bring some Pepsi and he did good. Yeah. Okay. But he did good in it. He did good in this one.

The first perch. Check it out. So much fun. Also, I want to point out this film. It's called the night eats the world. Did you watch this? No. Speaking of French films, this is a zombie movie.

It's kind of a hot take on a zombie film. Basically what happens is the guy goes to a party. He ends up falling asleep in the back room, wakes up, everyone at the party is turned into a zombie and they don't really explain what happened, but then he's in this apartment complex and it's a pretty good adventure. So I highly recommend the night eats the world. It's good. It's great.

It really is beautiful. Okay. It's a really well shot film. I feel like this episode of Side Stories is like the video you watch in the back of a taxi cab with Sandy Canyon going, watch it. Watch it. Yeah. I'm fine with this because this is kind of like everyone always asks for a horror movie

these things. So this is kind of just what, I'll spit them out. You know what I mean? You fucking, you go. I want to talk about Puppet Master. We'll talk about Puppet Master. I am disappointed in Puppet Master. Why don't you like the-

But when you check out Dead Knight, check out Dead Knight starring Bria Grant. Oh. She's really fucking good in it. It's a really good indie horror movie. We had a really good time with it as well. It was very good. It was very nice. But I would say, and the endless is also very good.

Okay. Friends, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron is very good. You fucking check it out. And Pie Wackett was also good. Are you just plugging the movies that your friends are in? No. Pie Wackett. I know no one in.

And Mom and Dad is the other, must fucking see, see that right the fuck now. Mom and Dad, it stars Nicholas Cage. And who's the mother? I remember. I forget the name of the mother. Maybe we could find that out and fold it to be totally honest with the audience. Mom and Dad, there's a virus that stops, you know, parental brains are like, I have a child and I have to love my child because just biologically I have to.

But there's a virus that says, you don't kind of love your child anymore. So all of the rage. Selma Blair. The parents feel Selma Blair. She was awesome. So all of the. She's great. She's so good.

And I didn't realize that it was done by the director of Crank and Crank too. That makes a lot of sense. So that is why it's so fucking good. Yes. So basically it's like the brain, like all the rage that parents constantly have for their children. It just, that's 100% there. And the little stop that parents usually have been like, can't kill my kid is totally

gone. And then on this page, like when he tries, he is one of the greatest actors. I'm not even being sarcastic. He is one of my favorite actors in the world. He is so funny. I just love that about him, is that I know for a fact that it's that he has sometimes will do because he has a new movie coming out that's supposed to be good. Mandy.

You could see his agents come to him and be like, Nick, you got to act in this one. And he's like, well, are you talking about man? It's been like, you got to act in this one. All right. And then he actually reads the script and they actually does his work where mom and dad, it's just him fucking uncorked. It's incredible. There's a whole, basically in the basement of this house, he's putting together, I believe

a pool table and the pool table becomes crucial when it's when you begin to see him just to tear right into a madman. He is every, he's every parents must love that movie. That's all I'm going to say. Parents must relate to that film because I'm sure they want to strangle their children on a regular basis, but legally, you can't. And then morally, it's also not right. Good cover.

Thank you. Do you want to talk? Very good cover. Can we talk about Puppet Master? Oh, yes. Yes, we can. Okay. There's a thing.

Okay. New Puppet Master came out. I immediately clicked on it. Okay. Right? Because we just saw the kiosk at Comic-Con. They're doing a big roll off of the new movie. I'm very excited.

I was very excited for it, but I just felt like they did a really good job with the kills, which obviously is the most important part. Thank you. But it got to the point where I was just fast-forwarding to kills, and I stopped watching the movie. And I wanted the puppets to be used in a more fun way. I wanted more puppets of them in character. So okay, this is, first of all, what's the main actor there? He was...

Thomas Lennon. What's his name? Thomas Lennon. Yeah, and we see him have a sex scene. It's a movie written by 45-year-old writers that wanted to see if they could get other girls to take their shirts off in front of them. There was that a little bit of that, but is it possible, Henry, that you are envious of the role Thomas Lennon received because he is also a sketch performer?

Every role that I'm not in. Okay. I'm upset about. But no, I do... That is one of my theories. Maybe why you didn't like it. Because you're right. The dialogue sucks.

The dialogue is super stupid. It was just... It was just... But that's a common problem with the Puppet Master series, is that for some reason it's always the stuff leading up to it, but the thing is that the other series, what I do like is all the puppet shit in it, so as long as you ladle it thickly with puppet shit, I'm great. But there was just so much puppet stuff.

The first Puppet Master is like an hour of no puppets. Well, that's true. The first Puppet Master is like, get on with it. It's like models from Colors of Benetton ad talking about how they're psychic in a hotel for an hour. Yeah, it's like an hour. It sort of falls into the first Hellraiser, which I do love, but that's another movie where I'm like, come on, let's fast forward a little bit.

But this movie jumped right in. The first Hellraiser is an excellently made film, which is why, because for me, the tension holds. The tension goes in Hellraiser, where in the Puppet Master, it's a little bit less... It's just a little bit... Especially the first one. And in this one, it was like, I honestly just wanted, I wanted more. I just don't want it more.

The kills were fantastic, basically, for those that haven't seen it yet. I recommend it. And there really is no spoilers for this. It's such a stupid movie. But it's... You just should watch it. I mean, obviously, watch it. Watch it.

Give them their money, because there should be more made. There should be more Puppet Master movies made. There should always be one. There should be one every three years, as far as I'm concerned. Sure. It's like, I definitely want to pitch the right one, because I have one locked and loaded in my head. I love it.

So it's the 30th anniversary of the Toulon murders. And so they go back to this hotel, they go to where the murders occurred, and so it sort of plays like that. And we find out all of the puppets, they're very into Nazism. They are Nazi puppets, to say the least. And they kill the gay couple, they kill Jewish couples, and they really are very predatory. And I thought that that was interesting. And then you say, I hate these puppets.

And the only thing I would have liked to see more is a little bit of the people's revenge on these horrible things. I will say, is that what's hard is that it's weird with the Nazi thing, because I still like the puppets. I guess it's mostly the way they twist my own guts, but they're trying to tell me that, like, oh, I'm supposed to hate these puppets because they're Nazis, and yeah, I do hate them because they're Nazis. But I like the puppets, though.

They're also puppets, so it's kind of funny. Are the puppets the bad guys again? The puppets are the bad guys. Yes, because they kind of reverted back to being semi-good guys, which is what I like about them. That's what I liked about Puppet Master is that they start off as cherubic serial killers, but then they start fighting demonic toys, and aliens, and war criminals. See, Kissel, this is what I'm saying.

No, I know that, but this is the reboot. This is what I'm saying, Kissel. But they can do it again. Kissel, they had to restart. This is the restart. It's 68% on rotten tomatoes, not good tomatoes, which is high. That is a paid-for number. No.

Yes. That's a paid-for number. I watched again last night, 17%, which I think that should be higher. What did? A House of a Thousand Corpses. 17%? No one likes, I was thinking about this last night, no one likes Rob Zombie, and I just don't know why.

Well, it's become hate on him. It's become cool to hate on him. But why? White Zombie was great, Rob Zombie was awesome, and then his movies are fun. I just don't get it. Straight up? I'm going to say you're fucking jealous. You're jealous of his whole life, and he figured out, he rigged the system.

Because Rob Zombie, White Zombie is essentially a natural extension of Monster Mash. It's just, it's Monster Rock. The man's lived his whole life like this. Oh my God, yeah. House of a Thousand Corpses, I guarantee, people don't like it. I'm going to say straight up for the same reason people didn't like my character special, which is because you got an opportunity to make something. And so there was a time period, it's like when we got the character special, it was

like we're going to put every single bit, we're filling this with every idea we've ever had because I don't think anyone will ever ask us to make anything ever again. That of course is true. Which is true. The character special, you can watch that, it's still on Netflix. I was in it with Jermaine Fowler playing as manager. I did have lines, and I was cut. But that's okay.

That's okay. This is an issue that has been solved. Speaking to being jealous of Rob Zombie, I think that's true because like Spotify suggested Rob Zombie's cover of Helter Skelter, and it's fucking amazing. And then I just saw that he's actually, he has another House of a Thousand Corpses sequel coming out called Three from Hell. Yes, of course. With the Captain Spalding.

Which I follow, I follow Mr. Moseley on Instagram, and I don't know what's going on with my man Captain Spalding, but he's looking a little bit, a little thinner these days. I hope he's doing okay. I don't think he, I don't know if he's doing well. I hope he is because Sid Haig is my favorite, one of my favorite horror character actors of all time. I wish that, I hope he will do better. I hope so too.

But just finally, with Puppet Master, and then I want to keep on talking about Rob Zombie. Puppet Master was a great, there's a great kill. Remember that, I think, was it Pinhead, or what's the name of the guy who has the spinner head? Jester. Jester. Yeah, that was the thing, is that they missed certain ones, because Natalie said the same thing.

She missed the Lady Puppet. Yes. That would squirt out the shit out of her mouth. Six Shooter also was not in it. There was a couple of puppets that I'm like, where are these puppets? So Leech Woman is not even in this, the Leech Woman is not in this. There's a lot of people, there's a lot of puppets that are not in this one. A lot of them.

They made mistakes. This is what I'm saying, they made mistakes. They left opportunities on the table. And what you gotta do is, you gotta figure out how to milk as much opportunity out of that big fat fucking cow as you can, which means you use Six Shooter. You have a current. And I wanted to see them have funny little interactions. I wanted to see them kind of like live in their little puppet lives.

It's to be continued, not to be a super spoiler here. That is a big spoiler, but it doesn't matter once again, it's one of the dumbest movies ever. But it's to be continued, so I'm thinking they're gonna bring those people, those puppets in for the next one. It's fun when the puppets try to act. Like there are certain scenes in the puppet master movies where like the puppets will hug or like they'll make like a whimpering noise.

That's what I'm here to watch. I wanna, because you know what it is, it's like, listen, I also like fucking, I like kills. Like most things make up kills, like the movie Upgrade, right? Oh Upgrade was awesome. But I did feel like Upgrade had problems, but the thing that made that movie make me want to go see it again is the fucking kills are so fucking righteous in it that that's what I want.

So the problem is that the puppet masters, the puppets are too juicy in order to just use them as vessels for kills. Like they need to be explored more. Yeah, I need a puppet master movie that straddles the line between Last House on the Left and Lamb Chop. Yes. All right. I could go for more puppet interaction, but overall the kills were great.

And when that, I think it was Jester when inside of that woman who was pregnant and then birthed her, birthed out of her and then took the baby, I'm like, this is one of the craziest things I've ever seen. And it's so stupid. Natalie like got up to leave. That was just like, she just checked out, she got up to leave and then she just heard me in the room go like, yeah, you just see that I paused it on the fucking puppet hold on the fetus.

I thought they were, I thought they were going to call back to the fetus. I think they might raise the fetus. Is that possible? As a puppet? I don't know. As like they're going to be, maybe the guy is going to raise it as like his underkin or something. I don't really know.

But something could happen. Underkin. Anyway, Rob Zombie, he's got the movie coming out. What is it? The devil's three from hell. Three from hell. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so fucking excited. It looks like they're having a great time shooting it, judging by Instagram. So this could be his, this could be a big comeback for him. He unfortunate. I mean, it's just one of those. It's like Rob Zombie has my money. Oh, right. You know, like I subscribed to Shudder, 31 was a little bit of a stinker.

But everything else I've enjoyed and I, he's got, I'm ready for it on my, I am prone. I'm lubed, I'm gaped and I am ready, ready, ready. Oh my God. Get an eggplant in there. Why is it? Henry Zabrowski. Halloween. I know they're, they have a new Halloween coming out.

This one is approved by John Carpenter. John Carpenter. At this point, John Carpenter is just happy to not be in a coffin. Yes. Well, I hear he's a great musician and a wonderful guy. He's like a rock star. Yeah, he's a rock star. He's great.

I fucking love John. I mean, I love, let me take it back. I love John Carpenter. Very good. I can't wait for me, I can't wait to turn 65 and like reinvent myself as like a fucking horror keyboard rock star. He's rock. That motherfucker has figured it out.

But evidently, evidently he did not like Rob Zombie's version of Halloween. And I get this all the time. It's one of the more controversial remakes, but I thought they were good. And I don't know why people hated them so much. This is the hell that we will die on, Kissel, because there are many people that does the same thing. And I've had people, like people get, uh, unreasonably, I mean, why I even say unreasonably angry? It's the fucking internet.

Right. People do get unreasonably angry about even me having defended Halloween on other things and talking about this. I loved the, the, his remakes of Halloween. They were good. Because he truly loves it. He truly loves Halloween and he tried to expand it in a way that was fun. I like the idea of going the mythos way.

I love the mass of Halloween sidebar. I love all that shit. That's the kind of thing I like adding the kind of dark magic to it. This one's going to be another, like I am interested to see Jamie Lee Curtis in this new one. Yes. Yes. But I don't, I mean, Mike Myers, I love him.

I mean, obviously he's your patron saint. Well, I'm more of a Jason guy because he was tortured and abused by those children. And I do like the Jason when, when he, he does have a motive and it's just like he loves his mother. Yes. And I think that's really sweet. Michael Myers is more of a stone cold sociopath who killed his family. Jason is defending the memory of his mother.

So I like that better. But it is nice. But to the point that Michael Myers is also a big old dude. I do like that. There's not a lot of us out there. We got, who do we got? We got Jason, Michael Myers, and then Hatchet. And that's basically it.

And let's list off the famously short horror character. Warwick Davis is one of the greatest actors in the history of actors. Leprechaun, if you come at me ever once and even vaguely accuse Warwick Davis of giving less than 110% of the Leprechaun, I will whip you across the mouth with one of my fucking shoes. Uh-oh. Brad Doriff as Chucky. Yes, Brad Doriff.

Super funny. Yes, really good. Super funny. All of the puppets from Puppet Master, the shortest horror actors in the game, possibly. Love them. That little gnome creature from that Stephen King movie where the cat's eye. The cat's eye. Oh, yes.

Sure. Cat's eye. It's a good one. I like tiny ones. Cat's eye is good. Casper. Whatever Casper did to be forced. Well, he doesn't weigh anything.

You know, can we just... Hopper from the movie Bugs Life? Very scary. Well, that's, he's a little grasshopper. Is he a grasshopper? He's a grasshopper. They're villains. I watched Bugs Life.

You was the villain? Yeah, I watched it on a plane for some reason. I don't know what happened. Was he John Lithgao? Was that John Lithgao's character? Maybe it was. What do you think about this? Obviously, Mr. Warwick, you know, of course, also the great film...

Oh, shit. Kevin Spacey was Hopper. Okay. So... That's why he was scary. So, Warwick. There he is. What was the other movie that he was in?

Maybe the one with Val Kilmer? Really famous. Love the film. Sci-Fi. Which one? Fantasy. The one with Warwick Davis. Which two?

Willow. Willow. That movie was great. To see, like, you can't rent it. You have to purchase the DVD of it. It's like fucking what's his putt, it's like the room. I was thinking about this the other day. When it comes to people like Warwick Davis, great actor, Peter Dinklage, he refuses to

do anything that he sees as, like, stereotypical for a little person actor. But I think that he would do so great as, like, a leprechaun type. If they rebooted that and just made it... I just wish that he would be, like, maybe more...well, he wants to be seen as a...he's a very, like, artsy actor. You know? But I wish that he would just, like, dumb himself down a little bit to reboot the leprechaun series.

No, no, no, no. He's got to hold the line. I understand. He's got to hold the line because there's too many guys sully in the water. That's true. He's got too many other guys that are desperate. He's not desperate for work. He can do whatever the fuck he wants.

I know. I feel like you would do so great in that role and, like, make it super horrifying. Yeah. I'm gonna say...I don't think...Warwick Davis had better control of his body. I don't think Dinklage has the same control of his body. I don't know. I haven't watched a lot of Game of Thrones, so I need to really see what kind of he...what he could do physically.

I would prefer, like, a...like, a young, like, child. Or if you got a...you could do a female reboot. You could, yeah. A leprechaun. Yeah. I would see that in a second. Sure. Yeah.

Speaking of horror movies, I was gonna bring up A Serial Killer. Okay. The Otaku Killer. No. This is very interesting. I do want to...I feel like now this is gonna be another episode of Last Podcast. I feel like this is a really good cargo once we start really dipping into international serial killers because this guy was known for, like, he...he did a lot of fucked up shit,

right? Like, he was very vampiric in his crimes. Yes. He was around the same time as the U.S. is moral panic with, like, blaming mortal combat for violence and stuff. Japan was having a similar thing with anime, due in part to Tsutsumu Miyazaki, the Otaku Killer, who was this guy that mutilated four young girls in Tokyo. And when the police seized his home, in addition to finding thousands of mutilation videos,

they also found anime and horror movies, and so that quickly became associated with these killings. So they blamed...they blamed anime for this man being a total sociopath? Yeah, I think... He did a bunch of...he took a bunch of pictures of girls and their dead corpses and all this kind of shit, but it was mixed in with anime. In his house, they found about 5,200 videos of girl mutilation videos, and alongside it, they had, like, I guess, Trigun or Neon Genesis Evangelion or something.

Wow. And they're like, this is the problem. This is the problem. That's the problem, yeah. This is the problem here. That's the stampede made me do it. Was it a satanic panic type thing, or was it just all, like, the culture, the video games, the music is causing this man to murder?

Well, so this guy...this guy was...first of all, this guy was born with...he didn't have any wrists. His hands were, like, deformed. He was born premature, and his fingers were, like, attached to his forearms. So he had, I think, Chris Elliott from Scary Movie 2. You and me, yeti, we fast around. Yes. He had Chris Elliott's strong hands in Scary Movie 2, and so he was teased and isolated

in his...as a child, and he soon...he basically, like, flunked out of school and isolated himself. He had no friends. His parents were, like, business types, go-getters who didn't want to listen to his feelings, so he says, the only person...the only person that... I'm having a lot...I'm having a difficult time having sympathy for the no-risk serial killer, but all right. But the only person that got him was his grandfather, and so when his grandfather died in 1988, he delved into a deep depression, and he started to kidnap young girls at playgrounds

and just off the side of the road. There was one story of a four-year-old walking home from a play date, a four-year-old aunt by themselves walking home. A little bit young to be doing the journeyman story there. And he abducted her, and then did, you know...there's a lot of horrible stuff that you could say, but he would let the bodies decompose after he all is said and done, and he would take their hands off and drink the blood from the hands. And they still...and anime was the problem.

He was ignored as a child. Yes. But how was it? I don't understand how people get to the conclusion and be like, I figured out the culprit. Those animated cartoons with the ladies that look all weird. It's the cartoons. My love of anime is what I probably keep the most private, but I don't love the most of it.

I love the more obscure stuff. I like whatever I've seen, but I don't know what to check out all the time. I don't really understand the whole anime culture, because it does seem to have this dark side to it. No, it's all been faked. No, that's not true. It doesn't. It just got porno.

There's porno parts of it. I see. I think I almost welled up. I almost started to tear up once when I was describing how important Dragon Ball Z was to me, to Sarah. That's how... Okay, why? That's what it does.

That doesn't mean a lot to me. I saw all the Evangelion, and I get it, but it doesn't end. There's no conclusive. You're not a real... Not to say you're not. It's nothing wrong with you. It's nothing bad about you, but you're not an actual sci-fi nerd, where it's like anime is just really hardcore thinking man's sci-fi, but every once in a while, the thinking man,

he just loves a pair of big floppy tits with like really pink nipples on them and like something that's not a dick because it won't go past the sensors, so it's got to be a tentacle or something go inside of the juicy vagina. That's what I'm talking about when I said the dark side, the weird part, all the tentacle stuff, I just don't understand. But that was just because the Japanese government thought it was too weird to show a dick to go into a vagina. But the tentacles are somehow not weird?

Yes. Okay. All right. But why do you love Dragon Ball Z? When I started high school, I had just moved to Georgia from Kansas and I was one of the only white kids at this predominantly black school, but Dragon Ball Z just, it was just instant connection with people right off the bat, and I almost feel like it's like how so many people tap into Kanye West just across the world.

It's just the feeling of id, it's the id, it's the super ego. Dragon Ball Z taps into the id. Interesting. All right. Well, that's really- Don't cry here, man, though. No. I have a bunch of friends-

You can cry. I mean, obviously you can cry if you want to express yourself. I have a bunch of 30-year-old friends with future trunks tattooed on their back and stuff. Don't know what that is, but that's really nice. You know, I'll say that too, because you know what that'll be? This is me putting like, you know what that sound is? Grab my soapbox, clump, clump, stand on top of it. This is the problem with the true popularization of nerd culture where it was nice.

Nice for our little pockets to exist where I could sit and speak, and it is nice that I could speak in like the little like shrouded like corner of shame about my nerdisms with people and that's how you made friends for life, where now it's just like, I'm a nerd. I like Wonder Woman, where it's just like, you're not a nerd now. Yeah. Everyone likes Wonder Woman. That's true. I did watch the Justice League film and that was one of the worst movies ever made, but

that- Blush. Blush it down the fucking toilet. Henry, what is your favorite anime? I feel like I know the different phases of your life a little bit, but I don't- when were you an anime person? He's a nerd of all kinds. Well, I just would go through a- there's a bunch of movies that I like.

I like the movies more than the series, and I'd say my favorite anime movie is Perfect Blue. Okay. What does it all mean? What is that about? Essentially, it's a- it's pretty fucking sweet. It's a- it's a- a singer quits her band to become an actress and sheds her good girl image to further her career, and basically, it turns out it's this fucking- she's a robot.

She's like an AI person. That's- I mean, it's very close to the plot of the great animated feature, Sing, involving all the pigs and the porky pigs. And there's a whole breakdown- there's a breakdown between fantasy and reality. She's the- people are stalking her and shit, it's great. Okay. So, it's just what Japanese anime does great, which is mind-bending sci-fi. I like- except that Blur's fantasy and reality, I like the stuff that's about, like, Evangelion

when it gets into- they should be like, oh my god, they're crucifixes. Like, I like that kind of shape, where it's like, robots becoming man, man and robot becoming one, aliens from a different kind of- the weird sp- like, I don't care about cutesy, like, except that it was- I think the girl who jumps through time is a good one. And then I did like Azamanga Dio, that was a very funny Japanese school one, but that's really only good if you're fucking high as shit. It seems like that might be a good component to watching any of these movies. Yes, and Fleek Lee is a- Fully Coolie is great.

When I was first watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, it was also when my dad was trying to make me go to church on Sundays, and I- I remember just sitting in church after watching all of Evangelion and thinking, these fools. Cause that was really- cause that's what happened with Evangelion. The Evangelion gave me the tools to really start, like, the idea of, like, deeper thought. Like I was always into sci-fi as a kid, but the idea of, like, that's kind of about the time. I started watching that as I was really heavily reading PKD for the first time, as I was getting

into real ufology at the same time, like, all that kind of stuff, or all of that weird extra layer thought, and I was doing a lot of hallucinogens. Did you just go Philip K. Dick- Did you just go Philip K. Dick PKD? Yeah, bro. Good lord. Okay, well that's very good. So check out those feature- I feel like I was far more vulnerable in this episode than I've ever been, and I feel like naked in a shame.

PKD. Um, alright. Let's see here. So that's basically it. So what happened? So this guy, he got arrested- You know, actually, and that's a weird thing, he, um, like the Um Shinrikyo stuff, that- those people, it took forever for them to get, um, executed, right?

So like, Miyazaki was arrested in 1990, he didn't get hanged until 1998. They're still- Yeah dude, they hang out. Well that's what we learned from the- also the series I Am a Killer, which was very interesting. You can sit on Death Row in this country for 20 years, and it's great. Apparently. Like, basically, if you're already gonna be in jail for the rest of your life, you might as well just murder your cellmate, and all of a sudden you're on Death Row, and you are

getting better food, you get solitary- I don't think that that's true. It's solitary, it's pretty horrible. But they say it's really quiet, and it's respectful. Yeah, but it's- it's not- but it's sensory deprivation, and we're human beings who like to interact with others, and then you just slowly- you're buried to death. You're buried alive, basically. No, they hang out with the other Death Row guys, but it seems like those guys are either

like- it's kind of a real mixed bag of nuts, where you get down there, and it's just like, one guy's kind of cool, one guy obviously maybe regrets what he did, and then like every once in a while it's like a Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, it's a living hell, it definitely needs to be reformed. I don't want to go to Death Row, I don't want to go to- Don't do it. No, you just- you just recommended that people do it, just don't do it. Because it's a nightmare.

And there are some people who commit crimes, and because you have automatic appeals, it will last 10, 15 years, and they'll be like, just get on with it, stop appealing my case for me, and they're like, no, I'm sorry, we have to constitutionally appeal your case, they're like, god damn it. Yeah, just let me let it end. So you just live in hell. Yeah. And now they're killing folks with fentanyl.

In what was that? In Brasco. One last detail about Mizaki is that at his trial, he claimed that it was not his fault that he murdered these women, it was his alter ego named Ratman. Get out of here. We're doing this, we're doing this episode, we're going to be doing this whole thing. And during the proceedings of the trial, he could be seeing drawing Ratman. Oh my god, this is- you know, I never said, I never thought I'd say this, but we can't

trust folks with no risks. You know? That's just not a- Yeah, I mean, don't say that, because I'm certain that there are folks with risks that don't have risks that are normal, and they do good clean jobs, like going, putting their hands down pipes, trying to clear drains and stuff like that. Absolutely. No, I don't want to malign the risk list.

I love you all. All right, everyone, well thank you for listening to this episode. We had a couple of fun conversations there about horror films, so check them out and let us know what horror movies you're watching, DM us on Instagram. Yeah, you can tag me on Instagram, and then I'll see it on Instagram, and then I'll put you- put your photos on my Instagram, and it's a lot of fun. Get that shudder and watch the movie Alone in the Dark. Ooh.

Check out Dragon Ball Z on Crunchyroll.com. I don't think that needs any more press. It's really quite popular. Oh, my God. Well, this was fun. Hail Satan, man. What a fun time sitting and talking. Sitting and blabbing, laughing, living and loving, as you might say, Henry.

You see, you did this. I know I did that. I- you know what I don't want to do? Because you know what I'll say is, like, I think a lot of podcasts like to immediately jump into either monetizing a tagline these days, or it's a lot of people want to develop a tagline and make it. So I'm not going to just say triple L, or I'm not going to say that this is my tag for this show.

Right. It's not going to be live, laugh and learn always, or live, love and learn, or live, laugh and like. I'm going to say- I can flip it to whatever I want. Sure. I can say just, like, eat, fuck, dance, grind, stack, win. All right. Well-

Yeah. Three words together, apparently. All right, everyone. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. And follow us for all of the- whatever the fuck it is you want on LP on the left. Yes. Bye.

May God bless you.