Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Golden Corral Melee

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

Ben ‘n’ Henry break down this week’s true crime news: as all hell breaks loose in Pennsylvania, a massive melee breaks out in a Golden Corral, several infected monkeys escape a CDC truck, a mysterious ChupaCabra-esque creature breaks loose from captors, UFO News, and MORE!Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started side stories. Man, nothing will feel the same. I have never we have never experienced in our years of being on tour. We have been on tour. Essentially, we've been on tour for about six years now. Oh, that's oh, yeah. Except for the one long and you're really good.

Except for the one long year that we did nothing, right? But I still count that as being on tour because I I felt stressed. And you were doing a lot of planking. I was, um, but in Philly, being backstage. So we're getting up. It was about 10 minutes before we got to do the show. All of a sudden, when the all of the power went out in the building, we're like, oh, this is fun.

This is going to kick right back on. And then we sat there and nothing happened. And we went through the snow. I ruined my Jordans because I forgot a casualty. That was big for me. Well, there are people as well dying, but let's say let's focus on your Jays. I when it comes down to it, those people should have transformed into snowmen. Well, it's difficult for them.

It's difficult. Philly was beautiful, though. I said it wasn't. I slipped in the street. I re hurt my plants. I'm sure it is. I mean, it's great. Philly is great, but it is not beautiful.

It was covered in liquid shit all day because they don't plow anything. No, it was just, but they didn't even try to even attempt to get ready to plow. But why would you want to plow when the snow comes? The Lord give it good times and sledding. It turns into frigid diarrhea immediately. And if I was covered in it, ruin my jeans, my shoes, all fucking bullshit. We get backstage finally. We're so excited.

We fucking traveled across the fucking country. We're here to go. We're doing this despite the snowstorm. Everybody else had dug themselves out of their own fucking houses. It was incredible. We're here. The the vibe was was was great vibes. And then fuck it.

And then the power goes out and then you look out the window and it's the entire fucking block. And it's just they see the panic in everyone's eyes because they didn't know what to do because everyone's like, the audience is going to rip apart the stage. Everyone was wonderful. Everyone was great. They were so awesome. But the management was like, these animals are going to start ripping out chairs and attacking each other with them.

And we're like, no, no, this is not Ben Salem. This isn't a golden corral. Our audience is fucking. These are forthright members of society that just like to drink a lot. You know, absolutely. So we want to thank everyone who came out to Philadelphia for nothing. Well, it wasn't for nothing because technically they got a show within the show, which is a memory they'll never forget.

We had to go on stage and say, sorry, everyone, show can't happen. Please don't kill each other. And we were lit by what is the modern version of candlelight, the iPhone. And it was kind of cool. It felt like a social media version of the movie Barry Lyndon. Oh, isn't that exciting? I haven't seen that one in a while. So we can't wait.

We will be back inside of Philadelphia very soon. And of course, Richmond, NDC, you all were just beautiful. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with the newly lit Henry Zabrowski. Thank you, God, because I'll tell you one thing. Being in a green room with Marcus and Henry, it's pitch black. Can't see anything. No, it is scary because you never know what's going to happen.

What you're going to turn out. Who's flipping out? When are they flipping out? Everyone takes turns flipping out. Also, we were five stories up, which means we had to walk five stories down. And that that was hard to do, wasn't it? You were you were out of breath going down the stairs, which I haven't seen in a minute, but I'm also really proud of you

because you did get down there. I did fall. You didn't roll. We didn't carry you on a sled. No, but it was our 9-11 moment, wasn't it? It was our 9-11. We were just very I think because we were just about to walk into the elevator that was supposed to take us down. And then we were all waxing, philosophic about the idea of like,

imagine if we were if it had happened about two minutes later, we would have been in the elevator going down and then we were stuck in the elevator. And then but Marcus said and it was like, because he brings his emergency ration of Xanax where he goes. So he says, like, we would just all just sit there like fucking logs. We were just a couple of Xani bars. I was not aware that Marcus at all times has Xanax with him. It's a great move, but it's good to know.

All right, everyone, well, let's get into the first tale this week. We have a small update regarding glitter. Now, do we do we know? Well, you wanted to talk about this because you wanted to clear the air about glitter, the celebratory. Yes. The tradition that people have. Maybe it's a wedding, a birthday, the death of a child. I don't know why people use glitter, throw glitter at an abortion.

Whatever it is, really important, throw it at the pussy. But I don't know. I did not know. I said before last week, I was like, you can't get hurt from glitter. And then the audience whom I love, they emailed side stories of POTL, the gmail.com to let me know that I was, in fact, very wrong. And some of these stories are absolutely fucked. So here's glitter can be very dangerous, it turns out.

Did not know that. I also think if you get like immensely hurt by glitter, you kind of did something wrong with it. You would have made it in W.W. too. No, because glitter is just like I'm here. I'm here to represent good times. I'm here to represent sparkles. You win an NFC championship game, glitter, AFC championship.

You're going to find me glitter. But then somehow people have managed to get themselves hurt from it. So this woman, there was a woman who lost her eye. Someone said an article about this, but here's a letter from a listener that I mean, this is also awful. My hatred of glitter starts in high school and it's continued in adulthood. Fast forward many years and my job is working with teenagers and they found out I hate glitter.

So they planned to get me. So one night after an event, they hatched their plan. They decided to take a huge ass tub of fucking glitter and throw it on me. They were supposed to hit my back and chest with it. Well, guess the fuck what happened? It hit my fucking face. All the fucking glitter in all my fucking eyes. The glitter felt like glass and it was extreme pain.

Went to the ER and guess how you had. I did not know how you have to get glitter out of your eyes. You have to have a party and maybe with disco balls, something. Well, they pry open your eyes. They hold your eyes open. They dump water all of the inside of your eyeballs. They then stick a cotton swab with latacane straight into your eyes. And then the doctor comes poking you in the eye with many things.

He got x-rays. He got cuts all over the inside of his eyes. And then he had to cover his eyeballs with this like the super glue or whatever in order for it to fix. It's like antibiotic super glue. He said it was really, really bad. He almost lost the eye. And then but there's a worse story than that.

OK, well, what happened with the kids who threw the glitter? I guess it was just. No, I hope they were. Yes, they were euthanized. Well, it was an innocent, an innocent thing. And of course, when you're a teacher, never let the students know. Ever have control. No, no fear.

No fear. As a matter of fact, you say if they say, what's your one of your fears? Say something that's not one of your fears. And then you show up and then there's a big horse in the room and you're like, see, I actually love horses. So I'm not scared of horses. Then you thought I was going to react, but I actually love horses. And that's actually my horse.

And oh, yes. And here's the. But this is a worse story. OK. OK, so this is from a stage version of Rocky Horror Picture Show. When we were performing the show, I only had one costume change in the glittery shorts to the finale costume. So to help define my shape, I would cover myself in oil and glitter

to show the muscle outlines that glitter was made for powder. So that means this he must have been playing the the muscle honk character. Rocky. Yes. Yes. So basically on the Friday Night Show, I got glitter where it shouldn't go. He got it all over the inside of his dick and balls. It got inside of his panties, the little tiny. Well, how did it get in there? Because he said they didn't realize that when they wash it all together,

glitter got all up inside of everyone's clothes and inside of his tightly fitting little like boy shorts that he used to show how big his fucking dick is. Right. We're just talking about glitter here, right? I didn't know it had such a legacy of. Deception and hate and pain and to and pure chaos. I never thought this is the most I have ever thought about glitter. Yes. So you with a thing is basically in the Friday Night Show, I got glitter where it shouldn't go and it sliced up the end of my penis.

I woke on the Saturday, the most pain I've ever had in their life because he was uncircumcised. And so the glitter worked its way inside of his fucking foreskin and ground a hole into the top of his penis. But this is a two holes on there. You got one hole, just one hole. That's all is good. We said we were meant to start the show at 10 30 by 8 30.

There was one member of the audience already there. And apparently this is true. Mick Jagger was there to see the show. We had to tell him that the show was canceled because Rocky had something wrong with his fucking dick and balls. Mick's reply was, well, haven't we all? Mick Jagger, the single one of the single most amazing 83 year old pound elderly men that's ever lived when he is the most powerful grandmother next to Steven Tyler.

I am. I don't know. I don't want to push back on the fan, obviously, that he was in an immense amount of pain. Isn't there an understudy? Isn't there a baby Rocky? I don't know. Who has that kind of body? Who's not eating carbs? You only do what you do.

I mean, the understudy is not going on. The under you can paint it. Paint the abs on him and still the understudy body. Like everyone will understand. That's not the old G Rocky. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course, of course, because you're going to get the notice in the little in the in your playbook. But I just wonder if the show should have gone on.

I mean, the WWE, they continue their shows going even after live death. So, oh, yeah, I did a sketch show on 9 11. That's not true. I wish, though, I would have done it and would have done it to be brave. Well, we actually did do a performance on 9 11, not 2001, but there was a 9 11 show that we did. Oh, yes, that was in the UK when they had the chip. They had the story that was in the front page and in America. Maybe right there that night.

I remember that when they talked about the potato chip and didn't mention 9 11. 9 11. All right. One time speaking of mention, Henry mentioned this earlier, Ben Salem. Now, this is a town and you know, this town is doing good. It's in Pennsylvania. We love you, Pennsylvania. And it has a golden corral. Now, the most a golden corral in Pennsylvania. You contractually have to have a golden corral, I believe, every 20 miles.

Absolutely, as it should be. And I don't I hate meaningless legislation, but that would actually be good. There was a massive fight that took place at a golden corral. And we can only describe this as what happens when when you just when you're getting low on chicken tendies. I don't know what happened because usually when there's this much food around, Henry, it's people are happy. People are happy and they like it, but I don't know what happened.

A 40 person melee broke open people, 40 people. And I want to watch a little bit of the video so we can also hear a reaction. You can hear a little bit of the sound of the fervor of this. Of this fight, Fernando, if you go up to about two minutes in, you really get into the fighting here. You got to hear this. This is fucking. This is apeshit.

So for those wondering, are these people hammered? Are they sober? The whole thing took place at 430 in the afternoon. Oh, yes. So some people were having early dinner. Some people were having late lunch. Maybe that crossover effect had a lot to do with the fact that people then began throwing chairs, high chairs and tables.

Watch this. Watch this, but actually bump it back about 30 seconds. Let's give this a listen. And I think even though it's audio, I think you'll hear the chaos and the weight of it all. Yeah. Now this was, this was taken down because they thought that it promoted violence, but I actually just, it does kind of hype me up because I want to sort of scream in world

star, world star, but yeah, but I understand it's bad to promote mass fights at the golden corral. I think golden corral can handle it. Let's do it. Woo. So the lights are shaking. Wow. The chandeliers are going.

That man is throwing a table at a Nana. Yes. Holy shit. The essential worker that is the waitress is trying to keep peace. A minute. Tell you, she's going above and beyond at this point. I'm leaving. Can I say that there is truly nothing essential about being a waitstaff attic buffet?

That's the exact. You can say that if you wanted to be immensely rude. I don't mean to be. Oh, look at this guy coming out with a walker. Everyone is old. I don't. They're all old. This is literally a mass fight between 40 to 50 year olds.

He needs to get in that one guy to stop and it looks as if another guy is looting some merch. Well, isn't that just fantastic? They came from some kind of Eagles function. This might be sports related, although I don't think so again, 430 in the afternoon. That guy has never played a sport in his life, but he is somehow the size of an offensive lineman. Yeah.

There's a big man. It's the golden corral. Of course, I don't see any of the buffet food. No, I'm looking at what we're seeing here and I think this is not food related. I think this was an argument that occurred over dinner. Maybe it was a mask thing, maybe a mandate thing, maybe a vax thing, maybe a sports thing. Who knows the list? I don't know.

I don't know. But this looks to be not food related. As a matter of fact, it seems to me as if they're already full. I think they look pretty bloated. I think this is a post food fight. Wow. That's incredible. All right.

I am just... Watch the video if you can. It's at Melee at Ben Salem Golden Corral. It's just there on YouTube. It's fucking chaos, dude. What would you do? I would have just... I would have fleed.

I would have just went to rat out of there. Unless you were in the fight. I guess you'd pick a side. You... I mean, at some point you're going to get beamed with the baby chair and now it's your responsibility as an American. You got to hit somebody else with something. Also, how did this not of all of the opportunities, I've only been in one genuine food fight.

There's no food. But at the cafeteria, like I remember it was in high school, a food fight started. It was probably one of my most free moments of my life. What did you throw? What was the thing that you threw? You threw a little thing of milk. Oh, that's a grenade by food stuff. Oh my God, dude.

You went with the top of it and you're just like fucking Earth. Now may I ask, and this is actually true talk, chocolate milk or traditional 2% milk? Normal white. Okay. Because the chocolate... Well, because I had that. I had a chocolate milk in my locker for a couple of months and I got to say that smell does not come out.

No, I drank the chocolate milk. Because chocolate milk is one of my favorite substances on the face of the planet. Fantastic. And it's like, but why did they not go to the start? Why did this not become a food fight? They had such an opportunity. You could pick up how fun. You see that one woman in the big hat and she was like, stop now, stop.

How fun would that be to pick up their fucking prime rib and throw it at her head? I think it was. I think it was about distance. I don't think they had the opportunity. They were not distanced. Also, they may, well, no, but I mean, they were distanced from the buffet and in some ways they were distanced from each other as well. You wouldn't go run into the other room and fill up a plate full of mac and cheese and

then just start fucking catapulting on people. It's the definition of bringing a ham steak to a knife fight because well, what if you get shot in the head? Tables, they're throwing chairs and all you're going to throw a potato. No, I'm like, you can't, if it's not, it wasn't a food fight. It was at tables, ladders and chairs match. I just saying, if I'm not directly part of the fight, if I don't have skin in the game and I'm just trying to be the joker that day, it's fun to just start and add food to the

mix because then they'll start fighting with the food. You actually probably could save lives because you'd show them all how much more fun, innocent and safe it is to fight with the food than the tables. You make a good point. Two people were injured, someone was covered in a bunch of blood and this is according to the Courier Times, Bucks County, the Bucks County Courier Times, which are really, they're all over the story. They've been on this story from the ground since the beginning.

They are taking this extremely seriously and they're going to keep us updated if there's any deaths or anything like that. We don't think so. Oh, yes. No, we don't think so. No, I think it's just a, I think it's just a fun 430 Sunday in Pennsylvania. But this next story, most of these stories come from Pennsylvania this week and it wasn't because we were just there.

I don't know what is going on in that state this weekend. It looked good. You know, people went insane. But this next story is actually very fucking serious and it is, they are saying they might have the situation wrapped up, but we don't know yet. It's a freaking horror movie. This story rings true. I mean, this is the beginning of a horror film, of a zombie film.

So many scary movies. So a truck carrying a hundred monkeys that were infected with herpes 2, collided with a dumb truck. This is Friday afternoon along Route 54, just off of Interstate 80, this is near Danville. And a bunch of monkeys went missing up into the forest areas. It's really not good because I guess we were talking with Fernanda before the show that herpes 2 is actually fine for the monkeys to have, but you can get it if they bite you or scratch you and it is very bad for us.

We get like brain damage. If you kiss a monkey. Yeah. If you fucking have it eat your pussy and you know it's gonna abuse in teeth because as I know. So according to the CDC, the monkeys, they were supposed to go to the CDC approved quarantine facility. They were from Mauritius, a country in eastern Africa.

Can we just pump the brakes on animal experimentation with a bunch of new like, you know, kind of diseases environment? Can we just pump the brakes for just to give us a, just stop or you're going to transport them. Just make sure that the truck driver knows what he's doing. But they went, I, my thing is, why don't they label it CDC? Like you should label the truck. The truck should be labeled CDC and it should have like a thing in front of it and back

of it. Like, you know, like when people transport houses or whatever, why load? Why load? Like there should, I mean, this is not even a bit. I really feel like that they're, they should be kind of have some kind of escort or like something that if they're killed with, they're filled with animals, uncontrollable animals filled with infectious disease, a hundred biological weapons just hanging out and not having fun.

Oh, no. And this is, it's really fucked up. So these monkeys are loose. They had to kill all of the monkeys that were there. They had to quote unquote, what was it kindly humanely euthanize them, which I mean, shoot them in the head. I don't know. You still got it.

You still killed them all. But no, this is a thing. I love this. Now this comes from Howie Lurch from Valley Township. All monkeys. We got bears. We got coyotes. We had deer.

You know all the time. A little three pound monkey doesn't scare me, but why are they so concerned about it is what concerns me. So he said, the government's all, cause the, they've hit on a mass thing saying there are three monkeys sitting somewhere in the forest of Pennsylvania right now that can get you very, very sick. One has his hands on his eyes. One has his hands on his ears and one has his hands on his mouth.

The thing about their pretty sure is that the cold is going to kill them overnight. That's just, that is just absolute. What a, what that is. Is that comforting? That is great. This comes from Michelle Fallon of Danville. She saw the entire incident. She jumped into action.

She helped the drivers and the loads they were carrying. So I walked up on the hill and this guy tells me, oh, he's hauling cats. And I said, oh, so I go over and I look at the crate and there's this green cloth over it. And I peel it back. I stick my finger in there and I go kitty, kitty, and it pops his head up and it's a monkey. No.

What are you doing? I don't know. You've never seen monkeys shine. This is anything. What is wrong with people? And they're already saying that they found the woman who came upon that crash. That woman is already sick. She had up close encounter with the monkey.

She's got, she said that she has cold like symptoms. She's has a runny nose, cough, pink eye, not good. Jesus. No, it's not. And apparently he said, she said before sticking her finger in there, she said, hey, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, even if it was a kitty, what is seriously stop, don't put your random finger in a random crevice. Why is there not a massive CDC state state like stenciled on the side of that box?

Why is CDC maybe they're worried that maybe they're worried that freak out people would freak out. And then if someone wanted to use the monkeys for nefarious reasons, like what, flashlights? I don't know. What are we going to do with them? They're diseased. They're fine. They're like, they don't show signs of illness because it doesn't fuck with them.

I mean, if you had a series of monkeys, you would like find, you know, let them lose places. I mean, it would be fun. That's because then you see all the chaos and then you're like, that's great. It's the fun is kind of chaos too, because it's monkeys everywhere and then you're half delighted, half scared. And that's the best part. That's like an amusement park. But the CDC did send a letter out and they did say there were some surviving monkeys

and they are going to be quarantined and they're going to be monitored for infectious diseases for at least 31 days before the release. And I don't know why any of that is happening. I don't know. Isn't that great? All right. Let's move on. It really does need, but I feel like the, no, these CDC trucks need more presence on

the road. I don't fucking understand this. Well, I wonder, they must, I'm sure that they have some reason because maybe they were worried about terrorism or something, but yeah, let us know. I want to know. Honestly, if the terrorists want to blow up that herpes monkeys truck, that's fine, I guess, because there's a bunch of poor monkeys that all have the love bug and they can't fucking, they don't even know that they have it.

They don't know that they have it. They're like a bunch of DJs from 2005 fucking New York City. Yeah. Well, indeed running around in the woods with no place to go. No place to go. Life from your grave. Speaking of love bugs, let's go to, let's go, Henry, you love shoes, don't you? Yeah, you know, I mean, I love shoes too.

You know, I do. I'm an advocate of shoes. Oh, I think shoes should be worn more often and I think that on a plane, it's absolutely disgusting when you reveal your feet in any way, shape, or form. I have very little, like I try not to be one of those like that's really out of line. Back of the, I've had feet on the back of the seat. No shoes. It's nasty.

Disgusting. Anyway. So there was this dude in a Brampton Foot Locker and he was working there and maybe he was bored or maybe again, he really loved the shoes. I mean, I love shoes. I get, I get boned up for some shoes. You should see these new bronze. I got, I love them.

I got hard for them. The bronzes are an unbelievably comfortable shoe, but this man took it to another level. He had video evidence of him ejaculating in the shoes and a performing quote, messy sex with the shoes, and I don't know why they put the term messy in there. I guess it just really nails home how disgusting the whole thing is. So he's on Snapchat and he filmed himself doing it. It seems as if he filmed himself doing this. Yes.

There's video on his now deleted Instagram account. He uploaded several videos and photos showing one man exhibiting questionable and in some instances, straight up disgusting. That's editorializing. That is. All right. And I went to blog to for shame on you for saying that. No, I don't know.

It sounds like it could have been pretty disgusting. So the man was doing some weird stuff with some shoes and then I guess he'd come in them and then he would just go and watch people try them on and I guess, I guess got him off. Well, his name is Darian kid. We're just going to go ahead and give to give out his name. Shut up. And this is what this was the video that he said. This is the this is this is the transcript of the video.

What's up? Snapchat. You're back on another episode of naked D fly in the workplace. Oh, yeah. Um, so as you can see, we're at Foot Locker here and there's nobody else here. Only my shit. And I'm fully, completely a hundred percent sexy and naked and then you can't sound improve the whole naked thing.

And then on the video shared by the aforementioned Instagram account, it stopped short. But I apparently, um, uh, that's when he just started coming in the shoes. He started jerking off on top of the shoe. That was, that was the thing that really got him going there. Um, so obviously there are some apologies going around the Foot Locker. They say that they have failed to meet customers expectations. And you know what? I, you went above and beyond in that failure because I don't even, that wasn't even on

my list of expectations. I didn't think I had to worry about all the shoes being covered and come. But now I know that and I'm going to say every Foot Locker I walk into. And as you know, my expectation that none of these shoes have come in them. And then we'll see how they react. Yeah. And because if you see guy, one guy blush, you know, sir, what shoes did you fuck? Sure.

What shoes did you fuck? I'm wearing them. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Oh, well, you won't fall over. I'll tell you that much. I've been a really long time since I bought a shoes in a shoe store. It's been a minute. And this is not going to make me like, well, your size is always sold out and my size is

never available because they never ordered size 14, but then your basic size, yeah. But according to appeal regional police, they have not, uh, I don't know what they're going if they have not charged him yet. And maybe they're like looking into, maybe they're looking into a spokesperson of Foot Locker says Foot Locker is committed to operating with the highest ethical standards. And it's this type of behavior. And this type of behavior is not tolerated, especially coming from somebody dressed as a referee because it's so important for them to hold the rules.

It's sacred. Am I wrong in saying it seems like Foot Locker is like, yeah, all right. Another day. We just talk about how sorry we didn't have customer expectations in mind. It's like, does this happen a lot? Is there a whole underground ejaculation game happening at the Foot Locker? Well, you remember, we covered another shoe comer story last year. It was in New Zealand.

So this is him following, maybe continuing in that man's legacy. Cause you know, this is about the violation. This is not really about him being, he doesn't think that the shoes are sexy. It's about knowing that someone is going to unknowingly stick their foot into this and get come all over their feet. And he loves that idea. Well, he's also a little landmine. Do you know how many freaking comments this dude got?

75,000 comments. He did it for the fucking likes, bro. He did it for the fucking, the clout dudes. I mean, so he like got what he wanted, I guess. And I don't know what he is going to go on to do, but big things. Big things indeed. I don't know. We'll be very careful.

And if a shoe is too snug, make sure, check out for come. No, you wouldn't do that. What are you supposed to do? He's supposed to go like your producer for that MTV show, Room Raiders, which hasn't been on the air for 10 years, and go with a black, like, how is a customer? If I went into a store that employees might come, what do you do? If I went to a store and asked and stuck my foot in it and it was wet, I would come back out and be like, these are now my shoes.

I'm going to now take, I'm going to take shoes for free. Oh, yes. I'm going to go clean them. I'm going to go bring them to a hospital to clean them. But these are now my shoes. You are now paying. I'm now paying. I'm going to have these shoes.

Wow. What an interesting approach to that. I would have. Yes. I would have said, like, give me some money or give me a different pair of shoes. I'm here for shoes. All right. Well, there you go.

And then you have the story. Then you have the story. And then, honestly, maybe it's kind of nice, because with my plan of a shite is kicking my ass recently, especially because I reignited it falling down the fucking snow in Philly. I now have a straight up, it's maybe nice to have the cushioning. Yes. I didn't know that. I slid.

I fell down the last time. So. Yes. But you were hammered. I was in the middle of the fucking day. And then you got to toboggan mate, also less endurine if you have a chance to go to Philly. What a wonderful little place for the neighborhood. It was a really, really fun bar in Lloyd's, where he had a good time in Fishtown.

Oh, yes. In Lloyd, of course. Love that town. I know. I want to tell the story about the Pennsylvania Chupacabra. Okay. Great. Let's do that.

Let's do the pencil. We'll stick in Pennsylvania. Wow. This story, I mean, we're saying Chupacabra, but it's because it's what a Chupacabra is. It's an unidentified style of dog. Now, if you look at this dog, he's cute, but he's not a mysterious. And they don't know what the hell happened. So one Pennsylvania's Fairfield Township, you said that she found these animal tracks.

Who are these bored ass women? Like honestly, what do you mean? She just went to go fight, follow animal tracks. What are you fucking? That's nice. Pocahontas' cousin. That's fun, Henry. That's called being out in nature, then it's as opposed to now everyone's looking for

Pokemon. Whoa. These people are organic. They're looking for cryptids. True. So he thought that she was, I guess she was looking for a neighbor's dog. She found this mysterious animal and it was shivering and it was scared and then she managed to lure the animal out and it got into her basement.

The thing is they look at this thing and they're like, we don't know what the fuck this animal it is. They think it's a dog, but they legitimately don't fucking know. They're running blood tests on it to figure out what the hell it was. She said it was exhibiting scared behavior. So whatever it was, it was kind of innocent and when they got inside, they warmed the crypture up and they looked at it because she said she thought it might be a coyote or a dog.

When they called the wildlife works, they went and looked at it and they're like, I don't fuck it. This is not a goddamn dog. But they think that maybe it could carry rabies, whatever it was, so now it's kind of sitting there while it's waiting to get genetically tested, but look at the picture of it, Kissel. I see it, man. It is a creepy ass looking thing. It's kind of cute though.

It's got cute eyes. I think it's probably a dog. They say that it's definitely got signs of mange. The chupacabra is a pretty cute cryptid. Yeah, I'm thinking it's a dog and it probably needs to be loved and it's cute. It's so cute and honestly, maybe it could hang out. It could hang out with the monkeys. No, it shouldn't hang out with the monkeys.

It'll get sick. Like it's got to be careful. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what'll happen to it. But if you look at it, yeah, like, but this is what we know. Every chupacabra on mainland United States of America is for certain a dog with mange. The only thing where it gets wiggity is the Puerto Rican chupacabra, which we covered

probably a couple hundred episodes ago, that's a little bit more weird, a little bit more like somewhere between a dog and a lizard. But this thing, like whatever you're looking at it, it might need a home. So I'm wondering and I would straight up, if I was in the Pennsylvania area and there was a chupacabra, like, let's just go ahead and call it a chupacabra, even for branding purposes, just to get the word out that someone needs to come and take care of this chupacabra because, you know, that's technically an endangered species. Well, one of the most endangered of all time, it's as encrypted as possible, doesn't mean

it exists at all. And what's more endangered than that? But the thing with the chupacabra, it doesn't want to be a house pet. So I think that would actually be a massive disservice. Why would a chupacabra, the chupacabra likes to, they're like Michael Myers, they just like to kind of wander around aimlessly. No, they should do the thing where you show a picture of the chupacabra and it's like, if you're cold, they're cold, bring them inside because the chupacabra is a warm weather animal.

If it is anything, if it is indeed, they do like a hot temperatures, like we need to bring him inside. And then I would name him sucker. Oh, sucker, the chupacabra, why sucker? I don't know. It's cute. I don't know, but I kind of like it. I kind of like it.

Yeah. And you have to come inside the house and you can pet him and you can, and then you get to be your, the master of cryptids to anybody. So if you're in Pennsylvania right now, it's possible you got a random monkey in your backyard or a chupacabra. So it's cute. Anyway, and be careful when you go. But the monkey will fucking give you AIDS light so you don't go anywhere near it.

Well speaking of dangerous things, I just want to cover this briefly because we don't talk about cartels, but this one, did you see this video, Henry? Which one? Oh God. Yes. You sent me this fucking shit. This guy, he had a, he had a, he had a beef. He had a beef, right?

Hmm. I had a beef. But it was a chili cheese thing. Yeah. Good man. Good man. He's a cartel assassin and he had a, there was another gang member that he had to fight with and then he filmed himself killing the dude and then he cut his heart out and then

he took bites of it in front of the camera and there's a full video and anyway, so you can check that out. Fucking wild. It's bad. Honestly, you know, cause what is interesting is the, the idea of, that's an ancient practice. That has been around for thousands of years. The idea you kill your enemy, you consume their heart, you literally gain their spirit, their energy.

If I kill, it would be like, I'm going to kill you and eat your heart, but like after I kill you, it'd be like, oh, I'm not going to feed you. Actually, never really. It's disgusting. Cause this guy, he's, he's like, it's a buffet. He's over the body of the victim that he just killed and it's all, it's all fresh. I don't know. I feel like.

It's a stuff film. It's what we watched and what you sent me was a snuff film and you know what, I did watch it though. But you know, have you ever done that with hunting? I know people that when they go hunting and they kill something like a deer, the first thing they do is eat the heart. They take it out, they cut a chunk of it off and they eat it because again, that's like I've heard of it.

Have you ever had chicken hearts? Chicken hearts are tasty. Like heart meat is actually very tasty if it's cooked well, but it is very irony. It kind of tastes like blood because it's full of it. But the idea of like, like, huh, maybe this distances me from other people, but if you do eat a chunk of a human heart, I wonder if you do get physically stronger. Like you get more powerful. You get more like, maybe it helps you.

Do you think it would help me with auditions? I think it would, if I showed them what I would do, fucking Mr. Bumper, the guy from down the street, he's mysterious, you know what I mean, but he could be these next neighborhood over math teacher. I don't fucking know. Well, I think it would definitely scare a lot of casting directors into giving you the part. Maybe that's what I need.

Maybe that's the fucking missing acting. And then maybe that's the X factor I need to do to fucking relaunch my sitcom career. Yep. Maybe you just have to do what this man did, which is create a very deep cavity inside of the torso and then take a large fixed blade knife and then start removing body parts. And then there's a shadow of a person swinging around to dismember a corpse off camera. And that can be seen on the left side of the screen. So he was with friends and they were, they were, I'm gonna go eat the heart over here

and the other guy was like, I'm gonna go dismember this body over there. And what a night it must have been. So you're careful out there and try to keep your heart out of the tummies of members of the cartel. Well, can I give a bit of advice? Sure. Don't take the cartel's money and don't do anything with it back and don't do things like buy, just don't buy like drugs, like in large quantities, be distanced from them.

You know what I mean? Try to find a lot of people in between you and the cartels. Please honestly, be very careful. All right. And then we got to go to UFO story. I was watching this footage, a bunch of people sent me footage of these two black helicopters and quote unquote escorting this orb. But the thing is that if you it is cool, but if you rewatch it, you can definitely see

that the quote unquote orb is a helicopter with a spotlight on and the it's catching a thing because you can see the spotlight on the ground as it's going. So it looks like it's glowing. It looks awesome, but it's not. But there was another fantastic story. This is another one from the the war zone talking a lot about in military technology. There's an Air Force pilot flying a private plane said that with his passenger who filmed this drone, you can see next to it this drone tracking them where it's this looks like this

weird blip. So the war zone now that I've really been following news stories to come out of it, they've really been tracking the idea that a lot of the stuff we're seeing with the quote unquote south disclosure is unknown military technology and stuff that we don't know what it is yet, maybe foreign stuff. But this is really fucking weird because this aircraft pilot, you can listen to the entire eight minute phone call that he made to the FAA and what they're going over the sighting. And he said that this thing, whatever it was, clocked him and stayed with him going 80 knots.

And he was like, I don't know how it did it. He said it was like a lockstep with him is he rose and try to lose it. It was following him. And as he was watching it, his passenger took video of it. You could barely really see it. It's just like you see this object flight fly right past them, but he said it like locked on to him. And he said, what was fucking weird about it is that it looked like it did have rotors

like it looked like it had. There was a mechanical aspect to it, but he said what was weird was that it was a sphere, which is a thing we haven't really seen that had these rotors attached to it. And he said, what the only way you could describe is that it looked like it had a camera thing attached to the bottom of it. That was, he said that it looked like it was trying to get a really cool video of him flying, but it was very, very dangerous. It's just like Steven Spielberg's production company trying to get a shot for the new bottom

gun movie. Oh, James Cameron's desperate to try to figure out how to get people to see that fucking awful, whatever the nine sequels to what was that movie, but I forgot the biggest movie in the world. Tiedatic. No, the one where they go into the planet. They go into the James Cameron only know only know about James Cameron is he loved it. He loves the water.

And he does that little tube that was very scary avatar, but that was like nine. He's got no. He's got like five sequels that he's been shooting for like, whatever. Avatar came out. Yeah, man. We're going about to. We're about to. I want to die.

Thinking about it. We're about. We got an extended universe. We did not ask for new people just wanted this movie was kind of panned. It was the movie. It was because it broke all these barriers technology wise, like it did all these new like 3D things because I remember watching what it gave me a fucking headache. But these now we're going to get three more of them.

Congrats everybody. Maybe it's him. But what this Air Force pilot is saying is that he did not know what the fuck it was. He's like, I've not seen anything like this before. My whole life is flying. I see stuff in the sky every day. I did nothing like this. So but he is saying they joked about him calling it a UFO because he's like, literally, this

is a UFO. He says that on the thing. He's like, I don't. I can't identify it. But he's trying to say this is mechanical. I don't know what the fuck this is. So maybe we are now starting to enter the true. Like maybe it's been going on for about 10 years and more and more of it will come out

where will the uncanny valley of these things that look like UFOs. But maybe you're not. And maybe maybe they're specifically designed to look slightly mysterious so that you don't think that it's from China or Russia and doing these various things or or our secret ops program. So we're going to be talking about all week that are literally going that that do shit without our government knowledge all the time. Where drones are not supposed to fly above 400 feet, or you're supposed to get a notice.

If it's from the US government, you're supposed to be notified that they're flying through these areas. So that's the thing. Like unless it's a part of like a super top secret, like MK, like like level thing that no one else knows about. But to be honest, they try not to fuck with the pilots, I don't think, because that causes massive like crashes and people dying. They're dangerous.

Yeah, they're saying it's possible. It was a zero zero robotics V captor Falcon because they use a bike, a bike captor tilt rotor design. But it said it had an antenna on it that he's never recognized and it's not on that technology. Well it seems like you can really dress up a drone, huh? So who knows? Well, I don't know. Either way.

Real exciting stuff indeed. The flying humanoid dude, they try to debunk, which I haven't allowed. I'm still bunking. I still think it's interesting, but they're putting that off. Well, they said they caught him, didn't they? No, they never, well they said that they did and then that fell off and now they're saying that they thought it was a Jack Skellington balloon with a drone attached to it. But that also, then I followed up on that and that fell off.

So who knows? I don't know. I'll take a Jack Skellington balloon. Well speaking of undiscovered, we don't know who this dude was yet and so we never covered him. We don't know about this guy, but apparently there's a possibly new victim, a sixth victim from in San Francisco in the 1970s, there was a serial killer and he was nicknamed the Doodler and he would kill a bunch of gay men and it's really sad, but the cops never figured

out who he was and they still have $100,000 and they raised it up to a $200,000 reward for any information leading to the apprehension and conviction of a serial killer dubbed the Doodler. So I haven't heard that much about this person, feel free to email us if you know about the Doodler. It looks like all of the assaults happened in the 70s. So at this point, he's probably dead, right? By this point, he might be dead.

Who knows? Who knows? But either way, it's just kind of interesting because we had never heard of that serial killer before and I think the Doodler, I don't know, like if you're a serial killer, you can't give yourself your own nickname and this man made a mistake evidently, one of the victims he told he was going to art school and then that victim survived and then they said, yeah, the guy said he was going to go to art school or was an art school dropout and then the press was like, we'll call him the Doodler.

Seriously, I feel like there is a, they're like, yeah, oh, he's a Doodler, huh? Or it's like, yeah, it sounds way more Canadian than American because like I would never call a man that told me that he draws a Doodler because it seems insulting, I guess, to a serial killer. Yeah, fuck him. So normally you say an artist or an illustrator, something that makes him feel good about doing it. Yeah, one of the victims told police he met his attacker at a truck stop diner, that's

pretty classic, be careful out there at the truck stops and the person said the suspect was drawing animal figures on a napkin and the suspect commented to the victim that he was attending art school and was studying to be a cartoonist and the victim believed the suspect to be skillful in drawing as he himself had a background in art. So isn't that nice? So the Doodler, still on the lam, let's catch the Doodler. If we could catch a Doodler, honestly, just don't let a man draw your picture alone with you while you're at a coffee shop or anything that he's trying to invade.

He's trying to figure it out and murder you. Yep, police said the suspect they interviewed in January of 1976 was a strong suspect, but I guess they just didn't arrest him. And the same person interviewed by police in 1976 is still the focus of their investigation in 2022. He's just hanging around, being like, waiting for you, meanwhile, his now his art has gotten so good. He's doing local, he's doing murals and graphic design.

Now he's built this incredible portfolio and this has been like, Doodler, every single time, you know, he's just getting better, getting oils. He's starting to get like doing like all that weird shit. Remember the guy? Chuck Close. Oh, you put all the little dots and you walk away and you see this like beautiful tapestry and shit. Maybe it's actually the best thing for him and maybe he's got some skills that really

allows him to be a productive member of society. But at some point, if someone is the lead suspect in a series of murders since 1976 to 2022, you've got to shit or get off the pot. Is he or not? Because what is going on? Just try to arrest him. I think if this were just arrest him. What's going on?

Like, apparently, according to San Francisco Chronicle reporter, Kevin Fagan, he says the Doodler hunted in gay bars, took them out and killed them actually for being gay. Oh, so apparently. Oh, no, he's, yeah, he's just. Yeah. Who knows? But there's a podcast about it. So check it out because I never heard of the Doodler before and it's sad again, especially

in the 70s. This is a massively marginalized group, gay men and people probably said, well, they had to come in or this, that and the other. All the garbage that they used to not figure out that all police departments need to communicate with each other in all levels of investigation. That's kind of, you know, again. Yeah, it didn't get, apparently, yeah, it didn't get any media attention whatsoever. At that point, they still had sodomy laws on the books.

You could still bust guys for being gay, essentially, society was not, was not ready. So yeah, underground, very sad. So anyway, if you know any information about the Doodler, please let us know because it's, it's rare to hear. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just, most times they hear about a serial killer, I'm like, yeah, I've heard of that. Yeah, of course, no, no, no, but man, I can't believe dude, Buff Stuff was fucking against

the rules. Can you believe that, dude? Can you fucking believe that? It's your butthole. Don't you just want to fucking, sometimes you just see a butt and like, you mean tell me George Washington never saw a succulent butt on a Revolutionary War, compatriot? No, he did. That's why.

And then like, they were out there in the muck all day, they could, there was no women there. Had to figure out a way to fucking go at it. Yeah, of course they kissed. They all kissed. Yeah, I know that was. That, which is a myth. Whatever.

But anyway, whatever, I'm sick of everything being debunked. It is a good reminder that you give these people power and they're only going to try to take your butthole away from you. They will. No, you won't have it. I think it's time for Hero of the Week. All right, let's do Hero of the Week, it's the people of Philadelphia who came out to the show that didn't happen.

No, I'm just joking, but you guys are hit, Phillip, you are heroes as well. You're good pandering, but yeah, we really wanted to do that show. I was really excited. I know, I was excited. We'll be back. Okay. So this week's Hero of the Week is Goldy. Goldy is a puffer fish and Goldy went to the dentist.

Oh, so it's another, man, it's another thing that can't choose anything. I went to the dentist. It went to the fish dentist. There are fish dentists. Well for Goldy, she had, Goldy has a, look at that grill. Look at the grill on Goldy. That's frightening. She went to the dentist and, which is heroic, because I haven't gone to the dentist in twenty

years. Oh yeah, Goldy's puffer fish went to a dentist before you did. Yeah. And also the dentist isn't a hero because if the puffer fish didn't need to have its teeth sawed in half, then why would the dentist even be there? So a puffer fish was recently rushed to an animal dentist to have their teeth sawed in half. After they grew so long, it was unable to eat.

Isn't that something? I think it's the dentist as the hero, it can't be, because he didn't even choose to go to the dentist. We don't know that. If the puffer fish figured out a way to shape coral that says dentist, like if they figured that out, I'd say yes. First of all, that puffer fish is a fucking hero and also needs to be shot in the head because it's learned how to talk.

It's learned how to talk and it's bad for us. It's bad news for Americans. Goldy's a porcupine puffer fish and she has an owner, Mark Byatt. And Mark noticed, wow, Goldy is losing a bunch of weight and that was because of her big teeth. So he said, oh my God. You could tell if a fish is skinny. I guess.

What? I don't know. So he said, oh no. And then he rushed the five-year-old fish to the vet. They sedated the fish by filling her water bowl with a mild anesthesia. How did we get here? Wait a second. So he took it to the dentist.

How much did this cost? I want to know how much this fucking cost. Thousands of dollars. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm looking at video or photos of the surgery now. Why did its teeth naturally get too long? Was it due in nature? In nature, there's no natural dentists.

You don't have insurance in the ocean? We don't know that, do we? But I bet you it eats rock. I bet you it gnaws on a rock or something. Why didn't he give it a rock? You mean tell me that you didn't tell the dude, hey, you should give it for something. You should give something to the puffer fish to the gnaw on. The innocence in the eyes and the beautiful smile of this puffer fish would warm even

the coldest of hosts. This is according to vet Daniel Calvo-Carrasco. He says porcupine puffer fish teeth are known as beaks and grow continuously throughout their lives. They're usually quite short as they're worn down on a regular diet of hard-shelled foods. But while these foods are provided in her home environment, she is not as forthcoming in eating them as her other tank mates. Oh, so she gave up.

So the puffer fish is trying to commit fucking suicide or have some kind of hunger strike. Maybe he was trying to get off a Spotify or something. So she's doing this fucking hunger strike. I don't really understand. Why does she, why? Why? Well, okay, so Goldie was bought by this person. They were bought in a large watertight container containing water from her home tank.

And a licensed fish anesthetic was placed into the water until she achieved a light plane of anesthesia. God, I'm so stupid. And at this point to support her further, the water was oxygenated. This is a waste of resources. This meant that she was still breathing nicely throughout, but was also be able to, but also she was going to be able to, but, but was able to be held for brief periods of time out of the water without becoming stressed.

So cause you want to take care of Goldie, the puffer fish, she said. So anyway, Goldie, the puffer fish with the teeth that are too big. You're here over the week because you made, you know what you did? You put people to work. She's created jobs. Oh, you know what? Okay. You brought it right back around.

Yep. It's, yep. Trickle down. Yep. Debbie was. This is about trickle down. According to the veterinary nurse Debbie, uh, Addison, she got to, she held Goldie and then she could see the puffer.

She saw the pepper puffer fish inflate to twice your size. And then Daniel said Debbie was able to hold Goldie in a damp towel to prevent her from becoming too dry. Yeah. We'll also ensure and she was protected if she did trigger her defense mechanism. You know, this thing's going to die next week. You know, it's going to die very soon. I would love to hear Goldie's tale of what can only be perceived as massive sexual assault.

I have no idea. Goldie, Goldie doesn't know what this is an alien abduction. Yes. And Goldie doesn't know it. But anyway, uh, she's been placed in a large container. She's doing great. And um, and so I know a lot of people worried about her. I know this made me new.

I know this was not CNN. Um, I know it was a big story. Um, so Goldie is now back home in her home tank in labor in England. So there you go. Oh yeah. This sounds very English. Yeah. With bad teeth and everything.

Yeah. Even the fish, even the fish, that's kind of a stereotype. The British have improved their teeth immensely, but they haven't, they really, I'm going to say, I'm sorry, Kissel, you're wrong. They really haven't. It's gotten better. It's gotten better. It's gotten better.

I mean, it's gotten better. Well, all right. Well, the only thing I care about right now coming from across the pond is Ken Prince Andrew Sweat. And I want to see a drop of sweat come from that man's breath. All right. We were talking about, we were talking about it in Philly. We got to get him on Hot Ones.

The greatest, that would be the 10 questions. The man from Hot Ones, Prince Andrew, he fucking sweat, dude. It was awesome. Hit him with the, hit him with the debaum. Oh. Yeah. He'd be fucked. Which I had debaum on the live stream and it's not good.

It's not good. No, but it's strong. Oh, here we go. There's a, well, I'm going to do one listener email for today. Okay. Now this is a story about my grandmother's friend. Mary and her husband were running out of time from their current lease, rushing to find a new place.

They had their hopes on buying a house and were looking constantly, but every time Mary saw a house, she was left feeling dissatisfied. Mary couldn't settle on anything because each night she would have extremely vivid dreams about a house that was everything that she had ever wanted. Each night she would dream about a new room and that same dream house and each morning she would excitedly tell Joe, her husband about the discoveries she had made while sleeping. Oh man. This is, this is one of those where you're like, all right, Mary, like every single time

she says this, you're like, does it have a fucking bowling alley Mary, you know? The dream house is like dream money, you know, because real money is real. She might have fallen asleep while house hunters was on in the back. Oh, right. But after a week or two of this, Joe was growing annoyed and demanded we need to choose a house this weekend. All right. Cause we're dealing with this fucking, we're going to have to sign another fucking lease

and just get that. Okay. So Mary begrudgingly, she's rowing along that weekend to a house showing that Joe had found when on their way, she screamed, stop the car, screeching to a stop. Mary leaped out of the car and ran towards a house they had just passed. Joe parked the car and ran after her, calling her back to him, asking him, what the fuck are you doing? Right.

Mary was excited and happily repeating, this is it. This is the house. All while Joe was trying to get her to leave this stranger's property, Mary opened the front door and was greeted by a beautiful foyer that looked exactly like the house for my dreams. Joe was urging her to leave saying that this house wasn't even listed for sale. They were literally breaking in and entering, but Mary just went further inside. The woman walked in on them and said, hello, are you guys, hey, excuse me, you guys here

for the showing? The couple was shocked, but went along with it. The realtor saying, we just listed the property this morning. I'm happy to see somebody already looking. Mary mentioned showing Joe the view from the bedroom and quickly made her way through the house, leaving the realtor to ask if she had been there before. Sort of, Joe said. Now, at the end of the tour, they put in a bid that was way under asking price.

Joe really didn't believe that they would get the house. But to their surprise, the homeowner accepted the offer. Joe was blown away and asked how with such a low ball offer, the realtor said that the homeowner was eager to sell and she was instructed to take the first bid. It was at this moment that the homeowner herself walked in and the realtor introduced them as the couple that just bought your house. The homeowner saw Mary and immediately looked like she was going to faint. It's you.

What? You're the ghost that's been haunting my house. Oh my God, that's so scary. This fucking weird. She said, apparently, this story has gone through. They have been telling the story for years and it's really, it's very strange. So they're saying that like, which sounds really interesting, that Mary fucking like astral projected sleep ghost, like into the fucking house, which is kind of what we talked

about with the with Nessie idea of the love, the idea of the Loch Ness monster being the ghost of a dinosaur. So that is like that type of thing. So like if you're if so, if you're supposed to rest in your house right now, just be like, not for the house is not for sale. I just want to remind all ghosts house is not for sale or sale. Is it for sale now? Has that ghost just been like, OK, that story wiles me.

I fucking love that shit. That can be chills to every time she was dreaming, she was really there. She really was. That's scary. Yeah. Cool. Who knows? Who knows?

I love all that kind of shit with like a little the weird valley that we have down to the graves of reality. It's scary stuff. One of the fun, one of the only fun things about growing up super religious hearing the stories that they say angels, but there we go. They're aliens. Oh, were they molested? Well, that's all.

They're nine years old. We'll find out. You remember that old chestnut and speaking of old chestnuts, you hear that sound? The crying bird of freedom. Oh, yeah. Welcome to Stitcher, everyone, where we've been here this whole time. Did you not realize we've not been we're here. We're on Stitcher.

We're everywhere. We're freer than we've ever been. It was like we astral projected ourselves back out onto the Internet. Absolutely. Well, we truly did it in many ways. So we can't wait. We're so happy to be on all of your platforms. Where you listen, you can hear us now and all the shows.

So hopefully this makes it easier. And for those that didn't come on our journey to Spotify with us over these past two years, welcome back. Welcome back. And it's great to have you with us. And you have a shitload of listening to do. Get to it, please. Get to it.

Catch up. But again, we want to think that we don't think that people over at Stitcher, we want to think our whole fucking badass group of fucking employees here that went out there made shit happen. Yeah, they're wonderful. I mean, they worked so hard to get all the episodes up and running. Not easy. Wow.

And we're here, man. We got a fucking bunch of years left and we ain't going fucking anywhere. Suck my fucking dick on my enemies trying to fucking attack. Come for me. I don't think we have. You come for me. You best not fucking miss, right? Because I live for the day.

The army of haters show up at the fucking golden gates of my fucking compound, right? And I love that day because I'm going to drop a tub of oil. Hot ass oil on all these fucking assholes, these freaks, stuff like, you work for the CIA. And I'm going to be like, yeah, I do. How about that? Yeah, I am a member of the fucking CIA. You're going to work to talk about this next week too, man.

You fucking assholes. Next month and a half, we're going to be talking about the CIA. I'm going to be all over you. I can't wait. You wait. I'm going to find out and I'm going to laugh. Knowing for a fact that it's really nice that when I retire from the CIA, I'm going to have incredible benefits.

Isn't that great? The worst sentence you could ever have your haters say to you is, who are you? Because that's how they got you. That's how they got you. Because oftentimes, don't forget, you might be stewing over someone. Don't give your energy to them. Don't give your energy to them. The real story is that no one is ever thinking of you ever.

And then every single time you thought that you said something super awkward at a party or like said something weird on a phone message or a zoom call and you're hyper thinking about it like they thought about it every second of their day that you said something weird. They didn't. Nobody cares about you. They only care about themselves. Absolutely. Which is actually very comforting.

It is. All right, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Hope you're doing well out there. We will talk to you really soon. Yeah. We will. Hail Satan.

Magustalations, everybody. See you soon, fuckers. Who are you? It's me. Kissle you don't remember? I can't wait. I can't wait for Alzheimer's. I don't know.

Never mind. I'll remember you. You might not like Alzheimer's. I don't know. We'll leave it at that. Yeah. I don't know.