Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Grandpa Died Twice

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

The REAL Ben and Henry are back, and the clones that were trying to replace them have been put down. This week: - A final Sunspot Observatory recap - Stabbing etiquette in an Uber pool - Dead guy grows fig out of his tummy TRIPLE L OKAY?

There was more slime in my neighborhood. What do you mean? And there was people trying to tell me that it wasn't exactly- I finally got a picture of some of it. The problem is that the pink slime... Someone sent me a message about dog mold slime, dog vomit mold, and it was sort of similar to that in terms of if it was a fusion color, but then it sort of burnt into the ground and sort of like a brown scorch. How many dogs have to be vomiting on your street on a regular basis in order for it to create enough slime to bubble through your sewers? This is what I'm saying. There's a lot of dog vomit. I think there's a bigger issue here than the slime. I'm gonna hold up this picture to the camera and you tell me what you think this shit is. It does look like throw up. Okay, well you're doing that. Let me say this is Side Stories. Welcome to the show everyone. I am Ben Kissel, Henry Zabrowski over there. You might hear a third voice. That's producer Travis Moore. Yes! And I promise you he is an adult. Alright, I'm looking at a picture of the slime. It is like Gary Busey's toilet. I do not know what's going on there. It's not pink. It's definitely a dark brown.

It's an amber. This is an orange. This is closer to an orange. There has been several of these. Now this is next to a wine bottle, so this could be straight up wine-o markings. Oh, I see. There has been puddles of it all over the neighborhood. The slime gang has had nothing good yet to report. They don't really seem to enjoy how often I ask them about information on it. Because it's pretty much, they come and see me. They're like, hi Henry, how you doing? I'm like, did you find you slime? Right. And they are now getting weary of me when it's being like, well, what if I'm the only person who's vigilant in this fucking neighborhood about the slime? I want to get a shovel, and I put a shovel in my car, which is true. That if I see it when I'm around, I'm just going to start digging it up and throwing it into the sewer grate so I'm sick of it being on the street.

Again, this is a little bit Zimmerman-ish, but it's a little dangerous. You're messing with fire here. Just a touch. There's no guns. Yes, very good. You sound like a true detective, like a world-weary police chief who's going to get to the bottom of this. It is obvious. We need the hardy boys to solve this. You need a ragtag group of friends that are loosely, that live, you know, relatively close together. Maybe one's going through a divorce. Maybe one doesn't like their father because he's a weatherman. They need to come together and they need to figure out what's going on with the slime. This is what I'm looking for. I just keep finding these other happily married couples. So no one wants to go down these fucking loopholes, these fucking down, these weird fucking holes with me because they don't want to see what's on the other side.

I know that there's something weird fucking going on. I believe you, buddy, and I'm sure at some point when you continue to update us here on Side Stories, you will get to the bottom of where the slime is coming from, and I can only hope you live to tell the tale. All I know is that if it wasn't affecting my dog, because my dog finds the slime at night and she likes to lick at the edges of it, and I don't notice till half the time because it's in the middle of the dark and I can't see what she's doing, so I got to drag her. So that's the problem, starting to fuck with my family? Yes, I will say. Who's ever doing this? You want to fuck with my family? If we are doing dog talk corner, my dog Puffin is channeling his inner YouTube star and he's just eating a lot of cigarette butts, apparently. And he's like that guy who ate glass, and I think he ended up dying, but he had a lot of followers on YouTube.

But Puffin is also, she's from fucking prison. He is, yes. When Wendy licks the puddle of slime, the yuck puddle, does Wendy's eyes turn black and like a kind of beyond the black rainbow kind of thing? No, she hasn't gotten bigger. She's not turning into bebop or rock city like we talked about the last time. I wish. Then I suggest that you taste it yourself and get to the bottom. No, no one don't taste like a true homicide detective, like when you see white powder on the fucking table. No, this is not cocaine. They don't go up and lick the blood off the body. What do we got here?

Tastes like homicide. Street vomit. Street vomit. Very good. All right, well we have a bunch of fun stories to get to today. Next week we're going to do a story on the Chinese spy program or it's basically a social credit program. We're going to do a deeper dive on that next week, but this week we've got a bunch of fun, I guess more fun stories than that. And we also have an update on Henry's Alien story. Well, this social networking sort of status credit report, which we're going to get it to next week, is harrowing. It's literally legitimately black mirror, but we figured that before we talked about it, we wanted to actually know what we were talking about.

So we're going to do some research. Never stopped us before. I know. I don't know why I'm changing now. Sunspot Observatory. So last week, which has now happened to us a couple of times. I mean, it's the day of the week we choose to release, but we just missed the final scoop on the closing of the Sunspot Observatory. And it is, in fact, it seems to be child pornography. Okay, hold on a second. So all of this stuff, they raided this entire building.

They forced all of the people out of the building. They quarantined the building. And you're telling me it's because someone was channeling their inner Peter Townsend and looking up child pornography. I mean, it is technically funny, but not funny. Not funny at all. Right. So they were coming back and they what the what the chief observer found a laptop open in the morning, full of child porn, just like goodness out. Like, which is, I mean, honestly, we're not even going to use an incognito window. I close and every window, no matter what I'm looking at, when I leave the house, and I it's never child porn.

It's normally different sneakers, various alien fucking rabbit holes I'm in and sneakers. Yes, absolutely different kind of recipes for that wonderful Polish soup that's cold. Borscht. Yes. Some people saying hot, but then you're from some other region. Okay. So with solar up. So what happened is so they left this computer open a bunch of porn in it.

They're like, well, who's here last night? It was like, well, we don't know janitor comes in. They're like, oh, janitor's here all night. And janitor does this fucking bit apparently where he walked in and he said, I seem to be missing some computer supplies, some cleaning, some cleaning materials that were here in this office. They're like, we don't know what you're talking about janitor. They said they spent the rest of the day tearing things apart, being like, people are getting in here at night. There's some kind of security lapse. Oh my God. I'm going to tell you all of these cameras here, decors, and you know what they're showing.

You know what they're showing here is that people are coming in here stealing our internet at night and I don't know who is doing it. Oh my God. I don't know who is doing it. You know. And eventually they realize it was him. I just feel bad for every hardworking good janitor that would be if they lived in your neighborhood, they would be out there right now mopping up that slide because these stories, they have, they hang a cloud over all janitors, even the prestigious wonderful ones. Well, again, not to maybe, you know, malign a janitor, but it is unfortunately true. I don't want to malign janitors.

I believe the janitor, being a janitor is a sacred job. We trust you with our toilets. Yes, they are the greatest civil servants in the nation are the janitors. I have a immense amount of respect for them. 97% of them are guilty of sex crimes. That's not true. I don't want to malign janitors. That is untrue. I would, 3%, just less than the Catholic Church.

I don't know, man. I don't know. Oh, right. Because they're always around dookie smells. No. Well, unfortunately, what comes down to though is that it's straight out of a page of the US government's defense tactics to also smear people with child porn. So then the problem is that it also makes all of my fucking conspiracy theory bells ring

that they then just blame it all on this janitor. But unfortunately, it probably is the janitor's fault and he probably did kind of in a haze of, I understand, like, I am the least reasonable I am all day in the minute before I come. Sure, sure. And I feel like somewhere in there in that cloud of your horrible perversion. Right. You just left the laptop out. Yeah, but it does seem, I mean, but afterwards they, you know, it's a common joke.

There's a lot of standup comedians talking about this kind of humor. Afterwards, your mind is very clear. You would think the janitor, you know what he knows how to do? Clean. Clean up a mess. Why would he clean up a mess? Hit the X. It's the easiest clean up job you would have all night.

All you literally had to do was at least close the laptop. Yeah. At least. But apparently, so when they threatened to fire him, I actually don't know the whole thing, because I was reading this to Natalie and she was like, so they didn't call the police? Yeah. And it seems like they sort of, they threatened to fire him. They didn't, this isn't a fireable offense, sir.

They apparently just fired him. Okay. They came back threatening, threatening to execute everyone at the post office and the observatory, which has made them shut it down. So it wasn't the fact that this man was looking at child porn, obviously horrible, but it was the fact that he came back and threatened to shoot everybody up in the office building. That's why they cleared everybody out. It seems to be it's a combo.

Okay. Well, that makes a little bit more sense to me now. Okay. It's all coming together. He caused quite a stir at the observatory. Lord. That there should have been, that attention should have been focused on aliens or solar flares, but instead it was some form of Melrose Place drama that was happening in there.

Let's put a pin in this. What's the final statement coming from the Sunspot Observatory? Well, their final comment here is something along the lines of, well, we're open up for business again and we've got tours available September 29th. Bring your whole family, not your whole family. Might not be super safe. Bring your grandparents. They're going to be the safest people in America.

You know, every single person coming into interview for the janitor job to replace the old janitors, like, me, I hate kids. You know what I love? Old women. I like them hangers. I want to suck on a woman's titties like it's a bunch of spaghetti. Oh, my. Mr. Evans, thank you so much for being here.

Love your energy. Yeah. I love cleaning toilets so much. It's my dream. You are hired, sir. Hired. All right. Well, let's move on to this story.

This involves an Uber driver. And honestly, I think we can all kind of relate to her. Her name is Shanisha Danielle Brown, and she was arrested after she allegedly stabbed two of her passengers after someone threw up in her car. Now, according to passenger Daniel Millard, who was using the rideshare with two other female passengers, it was just an average ride until Brown allegedly got offended by something one of the riders said, rather than one of them getting sick. So what happened here is when you read the story,

initially you say, oh, she shouldn't be stabbing passengers. That's not a good thing to do. And I think we can all agree with that. And then you read what was going on with these two girls in the back seat, and they were so unbelievably obnoxious. They did the, I think they got picked up. It was after midnight. They were hammered.

And they were like, just get us home. Can you just get us home? Take us home immediately. And then she just had enough, and she stabbed the woman, but she did not stab the man because I guess he was smart and quiet. And so I don't even know. I mean, being an Uber driver is stressful enough. Now you've got someone vomiting in your car and yelling at you.

They did the classic thing where it's like, you're taking a wrong turn and they counter, they contradict, or contradict the, you know, Google Maps or whatever. One of the women said, I paid for 100% of the ride, so I want 100% of the drive. Hell yeah. That's when you get stabbed. This will get a driver to stab you. There's still drivers after all. That's what you get, man.

We have to be careful who we push in society. I think there's a lot of people that believe that nothing will happen to them. When I see the way people drive out there, or it's like in Atlanta, they'll shoot you in the face if you drive bad. Like if you get out of your car to like have a, on the road, we're gonna fucking fight each other. We're gonna do road rage on each other. Right, altercation. Those people, yeah, people fucking have guns.

Yeah. People are gonna fucking kill, people are gonna flip out. Everybody wants to believe there's no way she'll ever fucking stab me because I'm a customer and the customer is always right. But guess what? Sometimes the customer gets stabbed to death. Absolutely. Because the cusser has been pushing somebody that's got a knife

and it's decided that they don't want to be, they don't want to have a customer to service provider relationship anymore. To be fair as well, if you're an Uber driver, very dangerous job. You gotta have a knife or a gun if that's allowed in your state. So of course they're gonna be armed. In Grand Theft Auto, if you get five stars, they send a tank and helicopters after you. If you get below two stars for your Uber rating, they stab you. That's just the rules.

They have to. That's what happens. No one did die, though, to clarify that. No. Damn it. No, that's good. It's good that nobody died. Oh, yes.

Oh, good, yes. Good, good, good. Okay, so this is according to the guy. He just says, the Uber driver showed up. We all get in. Everything is fine and dandy. I don't particularly love the phrases, everything is fine and dandy. But nonetheless, that's what he said.

He said, we are like we're going home. Great. Which is a weird quote. These people seem very... Oh, we're like we're going home. And then he says, she went down another wrong road. And Amber said, just get us where we are going, please. And the driver got offended by that and then stopped the car, opened up her door.

Millard said then Brown allegedly made an abrupt stop and yelled, what did you say to me? Then Amber said, just get us home, please. And then Amber said, we paid 100% of the ride. So we paid for 100% of the ride. So we want a 100% of the ride. Slammed her brace again and she said she doesn't need this. She gets out of the vehicle. Amber is still demanding, please take us to her house, please take us to her house.

Authorities claim the women were, the women were obviously heavily intoxicated. Of course, those were the passengers that were hammered. And one began to vomit in the car at that point. And that's when Brown attempted to kick the riders out, but one didn't oblige. She allegedly pulled out an exacto knife and stabbed the woman multiple times. You've got to get out of the Uber. This is what I'm saying. I'm not going to say it's entirely reasonable, but I will say like she asked you to get out of the car.

Get out of the car. You just get the fuck out of your car. It's not your car. No. It's this person's car. If someone was in my car and I was asking them to leave and then they didn't do it, the tension would increase, hopefully not leading to violence. Henry, not only do they not do it, one of your buddies just starts hurling in the back of the car.

You're like, can you get out of the car? She didn't vomit until she stopped the car and then requested they get out of the car, and then she started vomiting. I would turn into Yosemite Sam. I would do that. My feet would leave the ground. I mean, I got that frickin' frickin' frickin' doing that old cartoony tantrum float dance.

I would be a very dangerous person if this happened. Yes, I completely agree. I sympathize. You can see her smashing through looking for that fucking exacto knife. She's like, I know I got something to cut her mother fucker right in this mother fucker right here. Of course. She's like, her mother's like, why aren't you driving? You're doing a lot more of a scramble, scramble, scramble

and not a lot of turny, turny, turny the wheel. Meanwhile, just fucking stab a bit, stab a bit. We're all guilty of occasionally being bad passengers in an Uber car, but I'll tell you, when the driver says get out, it's time for you to go. Brown was later arrested after being found in a parked car at a gas station. She remains in custody. No one really knows how long she's going to be there. Uber did not immediately respond to the people's request.

What? In a statement obtained by the Augusta Chronicle, Uber said, what the police reported is appalling and not tolerated on the Uber app. The driver no longer has access to the app, and we will work with law enforcement to assist with their investigations. So I think she sounds like a great Uber driver to me. I will say Casey Anthony emboldened a lot of people. Sure.

And I feel like this is a direct line of the Casey Anthony line of thought. I mean, like, what are you going to do about it? Like, it's just, it's that tone of... It's also, it's also an exacto knife. It's such a, because you get slashed, not really stabbed. Yeah. And it's a brutal, like you can see the skin separating, like it's a Hellraiser or something.

It's not a good thing to get stabbed with. She also probably asked for the aux cord right after that, too. Oh, I could show my music. I always tell the Uber driver to listen to whatever the fuck it is that he wants to, or she wants to listen to. Well... Because I don't want to take their, their joy away from them. You know, full disclosure, we were coming back.

We all, Henry was in town this past weekend on Friday evening. He and Natalie were able to come, and Henry tried on his suit for the wedding, and it sounds like it fit well. It's nice. It's very classy. It's very classy. We stayed up until around 4.30 in the morning at Marcus's place,

and I did do exactly what you just said to the Uber driver. I was like, you changed the song, man, I really hate this song. I would like a channel of my little inner big Lebowski, and it's like, don't like the fucking Eagles, man. But unlike kick me out of the car, like that driver did and that, thankfully he did not stab Mr. Lebowski. He just changed the channel to one other station, but then the song that he changed it to, I actually liked worse,

but I was like, can you change it back? And then he never touched it again, but technically, it was my fault. Because I shouldn't have let him do it in the first place. You also asked, and if the man then turned around and said to you, get out of my car, you've been like, it's like I never was in. I am a person, because the drunker I get, I actually become more pliable. I'm not an unreasonable person. You can pretty roll me out.

I get the bubbles out. I'm unreasonable, but a fun unreasonable, but I'm very WC fieldsy, where you can just kind of roll me out of there, and the worst I'm going to do is fall asleep back in there. Right. Oh, that's interesting. I didn't realize that you see yourself as a WC field kind of drunk, but that makes a lot of sense, yeah.

Well, I mean, how would you view me as a drunk? I don't know. Like, oh, it's just, it's like kind of fun. It's fun. It's sort of like if Ernest Hemingway never wrote. Yeah. You know? Hell yeah.

I'm a true man. Anger and like, yeah. Yeah, we talk about true guy stuff. I think of you as Jim Carrey's fire marshal character from In Living Color. Fire marshal boo. Much safer though. He doesn't, he doesn't mess around with fire. That's a problem.

We've got to watch Travis, because Travis is around us when we're drunk. He's all sober and he's all fucking eagle eyed, and he remembers every detail. Yeah. We were in Omaha, and you guys were really wasted, but I wasn't on anything, obviously. And Ben just kept listening to the same Rage Against the Machine song over and over again. Cool.

And then the hotel asked us to please stop playing loud music because there are children asleep. I don't remember that. I do. Well, apparently they didn't want us to rage against the machine at that Hilton hotel. We've had that happen to us a couple of times. Do you remember? I forgot what we were listening to.

I think it was Whale and Jennings and someone came and asked us to stop. And we're like, we're just a couple of senators coming up with the future of this country. Yeah, we've gotten into trouble in hotels. But the thing is, they know it's 48 hours tops where they have to deal with us. So they're nice. Also, quick update. Remember to see Mandy. Kissel finally saw Mandy.

Oh, yes. Mandy, of course, the new Nicholas Cage film. It is phenomenal, and you have to see it. Check it out. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm starting a change.org petition to get Cheez-A-Saurus Rex replaced with the Cheddar Goblin. So crap. Cheez-A-Saurus Rex.

Fuck Cheez-A-Saurus Rex. Cheez-A-Saurus Rex can suck my dick. Cheddar Goblin is a great character. And Casper Kelly said a really funny thing because he did an interview for Thrillest about Cheddar Goblin because when they were asked to put together the commercial and he said, I wanted to create a character that was almost the opposite of the Twix Bunny. That was he got all the mac and cheese because the whole thing is that the plot of the Cheddar Goblin commercial is that the Cheddar Goblin eats all the mac and cheese before the kids can get to it.

And then when they ask him for it, he fommets it all over their fucking faces. I can't wait. And the kids, apparently the kids were just fucking screaming because Shane, who operated the puppet, went to the kids and was like, Y'all like mac and cheese? They were like, yeah, yeah. He's like, well, you ain't gonna like it after this. And then he fucking sprayed him with macaroni and cheese for like three hours.

And they were still like, yeah, I'm like the kids were like really, like reekin' of it. That's where you're supposed to hurl up the mac and cheese, not in the back of an Uber. You're supposed to put it in a bowl so everyone can enjoy it. Yes, Cheddar Goblin's an amazing little scene in the movie, Mandy. If you haven't had a chance yet, go out there and watch it. You will love it. It is a roller coaster ride. And I gotta say, apparently, Nick Cage, two years ago, was offered to play the cult leader.

They offered him to be that role. And he said, no, he wants to be the hero. And thankfully, he held out long enough so he could be the hero. He's the best actor that we have. I agree. If I could just get Nick Cage against Eddie Redmayne in a physical fight and watch him drag that skinny fucking long mouthed bass face piece of shit back and smash him against walls, breaking his tiny legs.

Oh, he was great as Stephen Hawking. He was wonderful. I will say, if you like Mandy, you should check out Panos Cosmodos' first movie, Beyond the Black Rainbow. It is like... It's pretty righteous. It is like if Dennis from It's Always Sunny played the leader of an MK Ultra program. Yes.

Yes. It's also very... I will say that one's a little style over substance. Oh, yes. But if you're whipping fucking bongs and you're locked in, you will love it. But there's like another movie that's very similar to that called Enter the Void. Yes. That is like that.

Have you seen Enter the Void? Yeah. I mean, it's just all trippy shit just for like two hours. I think I've seen it. That's all I remember. It's pretty sweet because someone recommended me like, they're like, get as fucked up as possible and watch it. So I sat.

I ate a Xanax. I drank. I just smoked a joint and I was like, sick of it. No, I'm scotch while watching it. It's very relaxing. I mean, no one has to tell you to get like really messed up and watch the movie. Just assume that he's going to folks. We can't have Henry be like, oh, now it's a challenge.

You're already going to do it. You'd get fucked up to watch like the Joy Luck Club. It doesn't matter what it is. Why not? I don't anymore. I'm trying to like mix it up where it's like we went to see White Boy Rick yesterday. And I'm like, we smoked a little bit, but I was like, this is not really a, I don't need to eat a pile of edibles before watching this.

No. And then the movie was fine. Okay. All right. Well, let's do another news story here. Henry, do you want to take this one or should I do? I want to do the one with the, the fellow who was just found. He was murdered 40 years ago and they just found him because there was a seed in his tummy

and it grew into a tree. So a murdered man's body was found after a tree unusual for the area grew from seed in his stomach. A missing man who was murdered more than 40 years ago has been found after a seed from a fig in his stomach grew into a tree. Huh. That sounds like a fucking folklore. It's like a, like a non-Z. Well, this story is like a throwback.

I know he was, he was killed 40 years ago, but it seems like it could have happened during biblical times. The man's name is Hamed Hargun. And I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that. And he was killed during the conflict between the Greek Cypriots, the Greek Cypriots and the Turkish Cypriots in 1974. And his body remained undiscovered for years. I think this is like, this is a pretty cool human.

This is a grave. It's like the greatest grave you could ask for. Oh, Cypriot means they're from Cyprus. Oh, okay, cool. I thought it was a type of robot. It sounds like it. Because I don't, I don't know, man. I just don't know anything.

Incredibly, the dead man has been taken into a cave with two others and both of them have been killed by dynamite that was thrown in after them. Fuck. Wow. Yet the dynamite also blew a hole in the side of the cave, allowing light to flood into the darkened interior, which in turn allowed the fig tree to grow from the man's body. That's fucking metal, dude. Pretty awesome.

Yeah. I need one of them figs. Of course. I need one of them body figs. Well, I mean, that's the thing. So a fig tree grew out of this man. Is that correct? Yes.

And so there are actually figs on this tree that you could nipple on? Absolutely. I think it's actually, and you'll see. There's some of these that I think that are actually probably pretty, like, thick. Probably pretty big because the human body actually grows because if you take our bodies and bury them out in a field, and our shit too, our shit makes shit growth, things like really big. Like, I was watching this one show called Amazing Interiors on Netflix in order to shut

out all the noise in my brain. And part of what they did is they had a garden that completely worked on their shit. It was a house that completely was sustainable within this family because it was a house within a giant greenhouse. Really? And so, but they used their duke water to grow their vegetables, and the duke water made the eggplants all big. Really?

And the tomatoes were really big and thick and ripe. I don't know how it goes from shit water to big tomatoes, because Natalie and I just killed a cactus. So I'm not really sure how the growing process goes, but apparently our shit does a lot of fun stuff. I understand. I'm not sure that's natural, and it's wonderful and healthy. For me, it would still kind of creep me out a little bit if I knew that it was my dung,

my crap that is being used to make the carrot that I, well, I don't really eat that many carrots, but if I did eat a carrot, I just don't, but what's the difference if it's horse or somebody else or cow, cow patty or cow manure? I don't know. It just seems kind of weird to me. If it was Alexandra Dadario's shit garden, I'd be fine with it. Sure. But if it's yours, I'm not going to have anything from it.

Even if it's the big, most succulent-looking zucchini in the world, I'm just not going to have it because I know what goes into your body. Just the world's most toxic strawberries. The ones that are like, there's like somehow alcohol content in these strawberries. That would be incredible. Honestly, you take all your shit, right? And you grow all the stuff, and then all the vegetables are just a half old trapper. The best beef jerky in the world.

So this fella's, it really is, this fella's sister, his sister was, she's 87 years old, her name is Mjörnir Hergner, and she said, we used to live in a village with a population of 4,000, half Greek, half Turkish. In 1974, the disturbance began. My brother, Amat, joined the Turkish Resistance Organization, also known as the TMT, on June 10th, the Greeks took him away for years they searched for his body. I just did not realize that the Greeks and the Turkish were fighting in 1974 in like what seems to be, again, just a very old, it seems very old-timey to me.

Okay, the tree was spotted, now this is the fig tree, it was spotted in 2011 by a researcher who was curious as to how the tree had ended up in a cave, and especially in a mountainous area where they're not usually found. So it's pretty cool that they were able to find this guy, and of the total of 122, there was 1,222 excavations, they've been carried out in the island so far, and the remains have been found of about 26%, and remains have been found in about 26% of those excavations. So it seems like they killed a lot of people and put them all in the caves, and this one just happened to have a fig tree grow out of them, kind of cool.

I want them figs! Of course! I think that's a great way. Sell the figs! It's a cool way to live forever. If you eat a seed, and then you're buried just below ground, and then you can become a tree, and then everyone has to eat parts of your body and stuff, I think there's something really sort of, it's like reincarnation.

I would like to come back as a tree, a big tall tree, we did that for my grandfather, and then the tree just died. So it was like, it was a really nice tree, but then I guess my parents planted it all wrong, so it grew sideways, and then it had some pressure against the wall, because my family's house, my mom and dad's house, is right up against the wall of my high school, and those fucking pieces of shit at the high school, they're like, they get all mad about, they wanted to cut, they first were like, you need to cut down your grandfather's tree, because it was leaning over the wall to their side.

And when someone says grandfather's tree, they mean tree in your grandfather's yard, but this was your actual grandfather in the tree, it was the tree. So they were like, and you guys, and almost like, do you want to start this fucking war? You want to see how extreme we all can get, you want to push the Zabrowski's into a corner when there's no way to turn around, what's going to happen when you get a Zabrowski in a corner, you're like, oh my, you're like, what's the name of that awesome Instagram dog? Mr. Bubs. You're like Mr. Bubs in a corner, I love Mr. Bubs.

Yeah, I have like Mr. Bubs, but then it just died on its own, so now, so they have to, and you know how much they charge to fucking take it down? How much? Like 1500 bucks. That's a hell of a lot of money to take down a dead tree. Yeah. So they charged you? Well, it will get to me.

Naturally, I'm sure it's still looming in the, it's one of those we'll get to its payments, I'm sure. Well, that's what they're saying, well no, they're just waiting to do it because it's still my grandfather's tree, so they don't really want to, they're not relishing taking it down. It's still there. Yeah, it's dead and it's just standing up. So we died twice?

Yes. Interesting. So I think technically that means, I think his spirit is in hell now. I think that's what that means, is that if you're in the one thing that's supposed to keep you immortal, then dies and then you're now again a part of the void. I mean, I don't know man. I mean, I don't picture a ghost rider having the Zabrowski body. I think that that whole franchise would be much funnier if it did have a Zabrowski body

for Ghost Rider, but it's possible your grandfather is now a demon working in hell for the devil. Chubby Ghost Rider would be incredible, just like not being able to, it's like, because the best part man, progies when they go in, they always become pan-fried. And so you can make yourself feel good by ordering them steamed, you know, because then you're like taking some of the fat out of it, but then you have to put it through the flames to get it into your skull face, to get that crispy bottom. Couldn't eat sushi though, which is kind of sad. Alright, it always becomes cooked.

Alright, let's do this story on Beyoncé. This was kind of a crazy story. Did you see this one, Henry? So what is this? So Beyoncé's ex-drummer, she has filed a restraining order alleging extreme witchcraft. Kimberly Thompson reportedly claims that she suffered from Beyoncé's magic spells of sexual molestation and that Beyoncé murdered my pet kitten. Kimberly Thompson says Beyoncé, Kimberly Thompson filed for a civil harassment restraining

order against Beyoncé and court records viewed by Pitchfork confirmed according to the documents obtained by The Blast, Thompson alleges that Beyoncé is practicing extreme witchcraft and magic spells of sexual molestation to harass her. And the only, I don't know what a magic spell of sexual molestation is, she's not saying that Beyoncé sexually did anything to her, she's saying the spells are doing that, which I don't firmly understand, but maybe you can enlighten me a little bit on that. And they're harassing her and among other allegations, again, she says she murdered her pet kitten, and that's of course very sad.

I mean, it's Bey. It's Bey. And if Bey's gonna murder your kitten, I know how many, how many people on Instagram right now would be like, me first, kill my kitten, oh yeah, look who got Bey, hashtag Bey, yeah, hate again. But I don't know if she did that in real life. I don't think that she killed this woman's kitten. Also, why is this woman, is Beyoncé like going to her apartment, do you need a restraining

order against Beyoncé? I think Beyoncé is quite busy, I think she's got a lot of security. I don't think she is really stalking a lot of people, because there would be an entourage of people in the bushes around her. My active restraining order against Al Pacino has worked so far. He's not approached me, he's not tried to approach me, so that has been working. You did that with Steven Spielberg also, didn't you? Absolutely, all the big directors, because I can't be molested anymore, because I'm not

allowing it. I don't care how many parts it'll give me, and how much fame and power. Wink, wink, wink, reverse psychology, I'll take it, I'll take all your socks and your legs, come on Steven Spielberg, I'm good for it, you know I got that snap and butt pussy. Oh my goodness. Steven Spielberg, I think that maybe it's possible that they had some kind of like fun sexual pre-show thing, I don't know, maybe she likes walking around nude, I mean again this is all deep into my fantasies of all the dancers and all them walking around nude

and that's what they do, they're all like slapping and tickling each other and pinching each other before going on stage, but I know it's not how most performers warm up, it's not the shower scene in porkies, it is not the shower scene in porkies, they are warming up, it's a physical feat and they have to sing and dance for hours, I don't think they just tickle each other. Well I feel like if anybody saw our pre-show warm up and saw that we like to play that game where I throw a peanut M&M and you try to catch it between your dick and your balls, like if they saw that, they would at first be like what is happening here, but we'd

be like this is how we stay connected and show each other we got each other's back on stage. Obviously we don't do that, but I would be very impressed if I could. Do you think you could? No, I don't, no, how is that even remotely close to possible? Your balls are sticky as it is, right? Not to be fully graphic, but I feel like if you threw a peanut M&M just at my balls, they'd stick.

It depends on the day I guess and where you were at, I mean that depends on the day and the climate as well. We're going to be in Austin soon, so. If you're going to try it, try it there. This is viewed by Pitchfork show that Thompson had a request for a temporary restraining order denied by Los Angeles Superior Court on September 19th and there is currently a restraining order hearing scheduled for October 11th. So it seems like the courts aren't really buying the fact that Beyonce is stalking this

woman with sex magic, I guess. I'll tell you what, the Bayhive come searching for you for any sort of security measure, some sort of deep sorcery, and they are doing it for the proper reason. Bay all the way, hashtag Bay lives, love Bay, going in there, I'm sorry, you're a part of her apocalyptic message to the universe. I love it, and this is just a little side note, Kimberly Thompson, again the ex-drummer for Beyonce, she also played drums in Fred Armisen's band and Fred Armisen led this band for the late night with Seth Meyers program, so she was the drummer on the late

night with Seth Meyers program, pretty good career for a drummer that I've never heard of until she sued for a restraining order against Beyonce. But honestly, and he's actually more of the creep from what I've heard. I don't know. Alright, well let's see. According to the blind items. I see. See, that's the thing outside of page seven, I still will read the blind items.

But there is a precedent for this, I don't know if you guys remember, Azalea Banks posted some videos of her practicing brujarilla, which is like Spanish witchcraft, where she was mutilating chickens in her closet. Really? And do you remember this at all? No, I don't even know who Azalea Banks is. Well she's no Beyonce, but she's a musician, yeah, but she had all these pictures of blood stained walls in her closet where she would kill chickens in her closet as a form of witchcraft

and she is unrepentant, which is cool. Well now what? She's just like, yeah, this is my shit. Why'd she do it in the closet? No, it's exactly what you do, it's a sacred space. Oh, okay, interesting. I will say there's a lot of people who've been like sacrificing a chicken, how can you do that?

But then we eat so many chickens in this country, I mean, I guess if you're going to use it for spiritual reasons, that's okay. I imagine this is serious. If there's anybody that would be using, because that creates what would be called very strong magic, that when you fire a sigil, like I'm sorry Kissel, like just so part of this, when I, if I come to fire a sigil, right, technically it's effective, but it's not as effective as the old ways. So there's a part of it where in true Bruhariya style, like if you really want to get something

done, blood spilled is really the way to get it done, which is a part of what happened with the story of the Marlon Brando movie. Apocalypse Now? No, not Apocalypse Now, the island of Dr. Moreau. There's a documentary about the making of that film, and in order to secure the success of that film, and for him getting the director of the movie went sort of insane, he paid a warlock, he paid a shaman to do a full-on blood ritual for its success, but the problem is that if you don't do it specifically enough, you're going to create a lot of fucking problems

for yourself. Well, I think the biggest problem is if you don't have a script or, you know, actors that really want to be there or give a shit about what they're doing, that's also going to make it a difficult movie to become successful. I think so. I think that's a problem. All of that has to come into place as well. You can't just come out of nowhere.

Magic is supposed to be for the increasing of achievable reality, but Bay, she's like a quadruple threat, if she's just a little bit of magic with it, I'm certain that will really boost her fucking numbers. She kept Jay-Z in the fold. How much more? She can't boost her numbers anymore. She's known all over the world, probably the galaxy even. Maybe she wants to be fucking president.

Maybe. She's going to have to see a lot more blood, because anybody that wants to be president has to preside over at least three toddlers getting their fucking dome split, so all the senators are going to need its fucking head, veins, fucking brains. Well, I don't remember that class in political science, but perhaps I skipped that day. I don't know. God, you didn't get the MFA. What's MFA?

I got my, I just have my bachelors. Yeah, you got to get the MFA. That's where you find all the cryptic fucking secrets. You know what? I don't want to go back to school. There's a new dock on Netflix that's doing this whole inside the Freemasons, because there's the 300th anniversary of the main temple in London. And it is very interesting, they're doing an unprecedented, transparent look inside

of the, they go inside of the temple, they show you all this stuff, there's just a bunch of goofy old men with aprons and medallions on, and they're like, oh, what's going on in here? It's a bit of a life. It's a bit of a, how we have a bit of a yuck. And I'm just like, all right, sure. As you watch it, it's more and more like, look how fun and sweet and goofy it is. And it's not evil and fucking, and cryptic and shit.

And then you, you're like, well, they still won't let us in on what the meetings are. We're not hearing what they're saying. We're just saying that there are meetings. But I swear to God, man, the meetings are like, well, I think that we should switch to paper Dixie cups. We have to think about what plastic is doing for our environment. Like the meetings are just mundane, horrible, like, and no more using two ply. I would.

Grandmastimation. Level 64. Yes. I do believe we should stop using straws because I don't know if any of you've seen those pictures of the turtles. Oh, and that's all they do. All right. Well, let's do, do you want to do our final story, Henry?

Yes. Okay. So now this dude, you might recognize him from the hit film, 40 year old virgin or from the hit television shows, NYPD blue and scrubs, his name is Shelly Malal and or more Shelly Malil, I believe. And he was sentenced to 12 years to life in 2010. He just got out of prison after only serving eight years. I guess he did great.

I guess he was very well behaved in prison. Maybe he put on bits, maybe put on skits and they took a lot of time off his sentence. But the, how much time that he, because I'll say this, right, even for me, from being in Wolf Wall Street, I got free glasses one time from an optometrist. There's things that you can get out of this scenario. So he got off to jail and he's like, I'm just, he got eight years, he got eight years. He got his life. Hardcore crime, but a hardcore crime.

But what's nice about that is it gets you respect in jail. And then you also, but you'd be able to tell all these stories about like Steve Carell. You think the story, Arnold Schwarzenegger would give you some prison club, but do you really think you're in prison and they're like, we're about to do something horrible to you unless you tell us a story and you say, oh, this one time I met a comedian named Steve Carell. How is that going to help you survive prison? There's a thing called edging where you just build yourself up to a froth because then

what you do is if you want to let a guy fuck you. So as he's about to stick it in you being all riled up from hearing about Steve Carell. Oh no. You say, I also work with Ed Asner in the film perfect game in 2000 and then he's going to have to come thinking about Ed Asner. He doesn't want that. Oh my goodness. I thought you were talking about sticking a knife in him because we should not make

jokes about those things. There's a great documentary, Surviving Prison, by the way. If you get a chance to see it, Danny Trejo's in it. It's pretty good. Don't go to prison. Don't go, man. That's my thing. I'm trying to skip prison.

Yeah. You know what? You know what, Henry? We'll have a choice, but anyway, back to Sheli Muleon. Oh man. Just, just quickly. So he did eight years out of his 12 years to life sentence. The only thing is he stabbed his then-girlfriend, her name is Kendra Bebe, 23 times.

I'm going to say eight years. She was just on Good Morning America. She says she doesn't feel safe. I don't know if eight years was enough and you know me. I'm like very sympathetic, very pro prison reform. But 23 times, I can't even like, that's exercise. That's a lot of work. I couldn't even stab a steak 23 times and I'm going to eat it.

You got to be real mad. I guess. That's what I'm saying. It's just got to be really very upset. And I feel like he would probably have to show quite a bit of a change, right? Like he has to go to, he has to probably need to go to therapy, you know, do a bunch of shit where you are pretty certain you're not going to stab anybody again. No way.

As we learned, you can't trust actors. They're actors. He's acting like he's reformed. If this whole thing goes awry, there's going to be, it's going to be riots in the streets. Well, you wait though, dude, because what will happen is that he'll end up being, he's going to be back in a movie immediately. It's possible, I suppose. All right, everyone.

Well, thank you so much for listening to this week's side stories. And thanks for sending us a lot of the links to the stories that we discussed today. You can always DM me on Instagram at BenKissleOne. I get a lot of them, so I just try to thumb through whenever I can. So thank you all so much for that. Yeah, and dude, send it to the email too, the last podcast I work at gmail.com. That would be great. Send it to, you know, also tweet at our accounts, send an LP on the left at Instagram and all

that shit to send us ideas for stories. We love it. And again, remember, man, like, I'm loving now, which is great, you know, my life is good. I'm laughing and loving. I'm living and all that stuff. But if you're like, a lot of times, if you're just laughing and living, that means you've gotten hopelessly insane, you know what I mean?

If you don't have the love in there and you are just laughing all day, or it sounds more like a cruel, primitive bark, I guess that's good because you're getting it out. Sure. Whatever it is you're doing. You could be Joaquin Phoenix practicing for his new role in The Joker, which I gotta say, I think kind of looks cool. He'll deal. He's gonna be good.

And I love Joaquin Phoenix, man. Yeah. I love Joaquin Phoenix. He did so good. Oh, you're not really here. I believe it was false. Oh, yes. Yeah.

He's not really here. I'm not really here. You're not there. And I'm not here. That was great. It was. Yes. Although I don't know if we know the title, but yes, that was a great movie.

Go out and watch that one. I'm just becoming my fucking mother. I'm becoming my father. Every week. It's bad. Hail yourselves, everyone. Hail Satan. Magus Dalatians.

Help me, mister. Thank you, mister. Okay. Is that, is that a, is that a cheddar goblin? I don't know, man.