Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Ham Hands

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Henry & Marcus are joined by the lizard-man himself (Co-Host of Wizard and The Bruiser & Page 7) Holden McNeely - to break down this week's weirdest stories and true-crime news starting off with the world's dumbest bank robber caught AGAIN in Alaska, the 77-year-old Florida man caught planning to sell misbranded erectile dysfunction drugs to a popular retirement community, Texas man blows cash on Super Bowl / World Series before setting truck on fire and faking ‘disappearance’, Colorado funeral home under investigation after 115 bodies found after neighbors report foul odor, the “catch an alien on your Ring Cam" psyop conspiracy, phallic flavored potato chips, spooky listener stories, Hero of the Week, and MORE! (Holdenators Hoooooo!)

Hey there dudes and do-dets, time to wax up your boards and go catch the big wave over at the LPN beach. Like it. Bingo! One night only at the Balboa Theater in San Diego October 20th, come and check out all of the cool cats and the crazy dog. And LPN, every show, the entire network, each one, pulsating and grinding in front of you for your entertainment pleasure.

We're all gonna catch the big guna. And I'm talking about that big greasy guy. I'm talking about a wave. G-E-W-C-E-W-E. It's C-E-W-E. Just so you know, it's gonna be inside of a way. Can you see me? It's see me! Just so you know, it's gonna be inside of a theater. So when physical wetness you experience is your own personal body heat or the sweat

of one of the performers. For live stream tickets, go to beeps.com slash LPL to watch from the comfort of your own home. Again, that's veeps.com slash LPL. Kakao! Come and check it out. I'm certain if there's a podcast flavor you need on your tongue, we got the spoon for it.

Beachfunk and bingo, baby. Come on, girls, let's bet! Woo! There's no place to escape to this is the last talk on the left side stories that's when the cannonball is started so I'm coming coming you know, I'm just so refreshing to have him here To have what fucking horrible presence are you referring to?

Fucking guy. All right, let me start with the prompt. Okay, so I can't believe we did this. I thought it was like, oh, wouldn't it be fun to hear from other voices on LPN? Yeah, yeah, let's bring in somebody like it's getting too smart with you on markets. He was on the phone. It's like, Marcus just said so he's getting too smart. Like, why don't we bring in a dump fucking idiot? To do get it to his day. No, I wanted to say so. All right. I was online right. I was on a forum. I love my forms. Okay. I was going to introduce the shower. We'll do a preamble.

Okay. Okay. So I was reading a story that was about this very nice lady. Right. She seems to be. Lost her father suddenly, not in a maze. You're done. Right.

And then all of a sudden, she was like, she said that thing that he used to do all the time. When he was, when she was a kid, and said he used to come into her room while she was asleep, and he used to tickle the bottoms for feet with his quote unquote, well trimmed fingernails, right? Which I hate the detail. Well trim. Hate the detail. Because again, it's still kind of sharp.

Manacure it. You're kind of sure. But my thing is, is that so she said that when he died, she was like, I know that he's in a freezer right now waiting to be cremated, but I wonder what's going to happen with soul. And she just, you want to sleep that night and she knew her father listened because she felt the same and she took this as reassuring. She felt the same short fingernails touching short fingernails touching on the bottoms of her feet and she was heartened by her father doing that to her as a ghost. And I guess my question to you both now is, how would you want your dead father to say

hello to you? Uh, ignore me and sit in the corner of the room and play backgammon on his tablet. It would be the way I think for it. He died doing what he loved. By the way, I will say they didn't say I used to put the cream in cremation because it used to come and grammeemaz ashes. Marcus, you can intro the show. Welcome to Side Story.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Parks. I would want my father to get a hold of me by lighting something on fire in my front yard. Do you think that that's what he do? I think that's what he do. I think he'd pile up a bunch of wood and light something on fire in my front yard and hopefully I think he'd be smart enough to do it on the pavement where it wouldn't spread. But yeah, he'd light up, but he'd just probably burn about to track.

There's a symbolism there. You were all about digging holes. Yeah, now he's about pile and fire. Now he's about to set in fire. I was talking about digging holes Yeah, now it's about pile and I was setting fire I'm about digging about I've been about digging holes in goddamn And man I spent all weekend in my garden. I fucking ripped out the people live there before I ripped out everything They fucking planted and now it's mine and I fucking spent so much time in the dirt My hands smelled like dirt for two days because I just kept smoothing in it and smoothing it and smoothing it and smoothing it Henry's a broski is with me as well.

It's not good. Nah. Whatever he's going through, it's not good. And hold and make nearly his year. Old Nader's O. It's old. It's there screaming at me every night on the road. Oh my God.

It's been amazing. All four of them. They meet me at the meet and greet afterwards and then the greet and meet. I do a second one and they're like, let us leave. No. We've talked to you. And I'm like, no, I want to know where you're from. We're greeting.

We're meeting. I love that. Yeah, let them know now why you're going to fucking pay for this spiritual. Yeah, yeah. Not just Montetel. That is great. But no, as I was planting, some bushes in my garden

yesterday, I did speak to the earth and ask it to protect me as the dirt protects the plants. And I spent speak to the earth and ask it to protect me as the dirt protects the plants. But much time with the dirt, bringing it up and putting it down and digging a hole with my face. You don't know. And now I'm actually linking with you. Well, don't link with me because I'm doing the same thing, but with my Rubik's view.

Don't even fucking bring it up. And my watching two minutes and five seconds, I'm going to get one of those dumb, timer things you have to put your fingers on. Then they all the nerves use a film you with rage. I can't believe it. Honestly watching you audience, you'll never fucking understand the two rage of watching a 40 year old man go and like,

he just sits it's on top of your tits. And I'm like talking at you. I say I'm saying important things to you. And you're on. Oh, so it's playing Rubik's cube. It's on the exact same place that he used to rest his DS while we were in common practice while he's fucking playing like fucking a Phoenix ace lawyer. And as we be talking about something important, he just let's step like fucking screaming into it.

Got an objection. Objection. Well, Marcus was paying attention and to playing drums you're supposed to. Yes. That was annoying too in its own. It's co-rehearsal. And that's why he was doing it as such. And now I got you looking,

and I understand what it must be like to try to tell Baron Trump to not kill the help. You know what I mean? Like watching just the empty stairs. And then like, what if me wants to? Hey, but hey, you know what it comes down to, the side stories keep coming. It's a spooky week. It is a spooky week.

I love it. I don't know what spooky about it, but we'll get there. There's like a set for the woman getting her toe is tickled. I guess if my father came back and he wanted to tell me hello, I imagine I'd smell cigarette smoke. Okay, I figured so. Right, you get some form of cigarette smoke. I also, I hope you just watched my wife tastefully nude.

You know, and I don't want that, but I feel like he'd appreciate like it would be like going to an art museum or something. He would just be appreciating the work. Yeah, like that whole room in the Met where there's all those like really beautiful statues and sculptures of like beautiful like. You're not like me. No, if you're just like, oh, you know what I mean?

I don't know if you get a horny when you're dead because we've had a lot of examples of spectrophilia. We've talked about women being made love to buy those. I've heard about this. Now what is the details on this? She just fucked a ghost a bunch. She was just hanging out with his ghost place house and she was just like,

oh, anyway, the ghost would come and be like, but I'm out with the figures and she'd be like, oh, you know what I mean? I can come in. I can't believe I asked some of the company. I was like, you knew you was gonna do this. Well, that's the thing, you can bring them on. Just why are you asking follow-up questions?

I don't know. Ask him follow-up. I thought he'd say a detail. Yeah, you got my nut your butt. Just like, oh, my god. I'm legitimately talk. I wrote TikTok. He might actually have thought back to the things that he read. Because he runs like several shows.

We did a whole episode about Kesha's entire life story. No, it was one incident, I think, but she was at what, like, I don't know, she was standing in some random house in this ghost. He didn't finger bang her bean or whatever. He just sorta like, I think was kind of a little more romantic about it. You know what I mean? And apparently, it was, yeah, I could have been a dog or something.

You never know, you never know. You're enjoying the whole thing and all of a sudden, you're, oh my God, it's in ghost of a dog. Oh my god, I like it. So it's beautiful. That's why she wrote that whole song. I fucked a dog's ghost. Oh, that's what that song was about. It's right after Prague.

Yeah. Really good one. I love to early stuff. All right, let's get into some stories here. We got one that's like real dumb up top. It's real like this is a very round table. Yeah, this is very round table. A hapless bank robber captured easily five years ago, after handing the teller a demand note with his name and birth date written on the back. It's been arrested again over a

similarly ham handed attempt to hold up the very same location. Let's not steal Justin Rorlick of the Daily Beast little nom de plume. I don't even know what ham-handed even really mean. Ham-handed means doing it, it means doing it very fort like kind of a blunt object. Hey, see, I like ham, so I feel like that's a negative way to put ham. If you're doing it ham-, it is indelicately. It's not well planned out. Yeah, you like ham, but you want your fucking hands. You want to wake up and have ham hands.

Yeah. Like, ah, you know, what about thinly sliced ham? That is delicate, like a charcootery. Do you think that make you better at driving or something? Like, you know, prosciutto is like the long strips. Like, what if your hands are just too long. And the outfit build today first hired because he woke up with ham hands.

And I'm asking for the Dodgers. There we go. He's catching those balls though. It's unbelievable. I'm just sticking to the hand. Well, pretty much this guy like, but first time he was arrested for robbing this bank, he was caught because after they gave him the money, he went outside and sat down on the curb and started counting

the money. Now, this guy, my $400 bucks, that's all he got from robbing a bank. That's, that's, uh, it was $140 bucks. The guy got for me when he robbed blockbuster. Yeah, it's very sad because again, I know this guy is just not only $400 from the fucking bank. If you're going to rob the bank, you're like, um, hello, this guy was not great at it. So this is made this May 22, 2018, his name is Michael Gale Nash.

And this is an Alaska, the first national bank of Alaska. He walked up to them and he handed them a note, the first note that he's handed them, which is also like, I didn't know how you just give somebody money. I think partially it's because you were afraid that something's going to bad. It's going to follow up. So what are you also told to you? You just give it. You just give it. Yeah, it's it's it's it's it's own shirt. So but according to court filings, the first note that he gave that got started the first robbery was this is a hold up. Please put the money they won in the bag. God help us.

Three exclamation points, right? Now this second time he's got, he got arrested. He served the year in jail a year in a day. And he somehow like, I guess what they call jail college. How you going there? Actually learn to become a better criminal. But it's a matter of fact, that sounds like it's more like he went to Phoenix University versus like any form of actual national college. How you going there? Actually learned to become a better criminal, but it's a matter of fact, that sounds like it's more like you went to Phoenix University versus like any form of actual national college because his second attempt was he went up to the bank before it was open. Knox on the door. They're like banks not open yet. And he's like through the no glass. It's a robbery. He's outside the bank. The lock doors and he's sitting there like pulling on the hand

or the robber is a robber. And then he puts a note through the door, right? That then says, actually pretty close to the original, this is a robbery, put the money in a bag and I will walk out. This is a robbery. God help us all. Period. I think it's important that shows, you know, it's punctuation shows intent.

Yeah. I mean, he does need some help from God. I mean, that is some piss poor, I can't believe it. But by the way, another interesting fact to my aunt was my late aunt was a bank teller and she once got the note, right? The other part about giving them the money is they got the ink bomb in the money. So they pop the ink bomb anyway. So it doesn't matter if you get out with the money. Can we just get the ink bombs? Yes, dude. I fucking love that. I love that.

I put it inside a Halloween candy when you put out the bucket for kids on Halloween. Yeah, that would be fucking cool as hell. I know obviously the explosive part might actually make people pretty bummed out. Kids might lose some fingers, but also that's where the trick comes in. Exactly. Bring the trick back. Come on. Yeah, show a bunch of your busload of kids.

You're butt. Yeah. Yeah. Really get picked up. Yeah. Go to the police. Oh, here. If you hold up the bucket of candy.

Oh, here's a bunch of candy or my. I. First. Just you just get fucking head slam. I guess no. A cop car. What gets me about this guy is that he was on such a rail when it came to the robbery because he just, he showed up to the bank having not checked the hours in which the bank

was open. Yes. Because his note put the money in the bag and I will walk out and he'd be inside the bank. He thought he'd be inside the bank. So he was on such a rail that when he hit the lock doors, he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop the plan. He'd not like, I'm going to come back in an hour.

And it's like as soon as they came up, he was like, this is a robbery. It sounds like he thinks that it's like the way it's done is whatever you write on the note, they definitely have to do. If you wrote like take off your clothes, do some jumping jacks, like they literally look and I'd be like, oh, just start disrobing. Have you ever seen the movie compliance? Yeah, I, yeah. Which is based off of real guy.

Yeah, that fucking movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that calls in, and then he had like, there was a series, there was another documentary series about him too. I forgot what it was called, where he would call into various fast food restaurants, and he would do this thing where he would manipulate people from the outside.

Yeah, that documentary series is amazing. He didn't think he was an authority. Yes. And then he would tell them that and he would say that, you know, like there was someone who's a suspected of shoplifting from within the store or one of the employees for theft and then he'd have the manager go in and say you have to strip search this person and take off their clothes. So what you said is some funny little joke is actually somebody's nightmare you piece of shit. I get it, but I'm somebody's fucking nightmare. Oh, I know.

It's your daughter. It's my wife, obviously, it's my wife. I'm a gay sad daughter. I mean, they were, but literally, this is how I ended up here. There, I was annoying the shit out of them. And they were like, and likes it was just like, Hey, can you go to the studio and annoy the shit out of Henry and Marcus?

And I was like, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was like, walking down the street, yelling at studio and annoy the shit out of Henry and Marcus? And I was like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, walking down the street yelling at people, fucking mail me and hates me. No, at this point, can you tell that you're annoying your daughter yet? Yeah, because I go, oh, she's all upset about something.

I'm like, oh, it's the Uki-Luke dance. I just go, you been doing this like Uki-Luke dance with her. You made me do the Uki-lookie dance for her. I made everybody do weird dances for her. She's confused. She doesn't get it. She doesn't stand. She's gonna be all fucked up.

She's gonna turn, I don't know what she's gonna turn into. Yeah, I've been building obstacle courses for now. She's gonna turn to like the hipster grifter, whatever, like, show it up and scam and high end hotels, tell her that she's like a foreign dilletop. I'm telling you, it might really help the brands. It might. But so it's funny about the story to get back to it.

Is that the two banks that we say that it was the same bank? It's the same bank. Yeah, it is. So he did this twice. And so the best part about the end of this is that so they he tries to do. He puts it through the locked door. They're all like, all right. So we're just going to lock up more.

So they're like, we're locking the doors. He's like, go ahead, lock up the bank. And then they're like, they call up their employees and say, don't come because there's a guy outside of the bank who's saying he's robbing the bank even though he's like literally physically, he's physically incapable of doing it currently. And so you don't come and don't be going to take hostages. And so then they're like, sir, essentially very nicely saying, if you don't leave right now, we're gonna have to call the police. Like, why would you ever do that? They probably have already called the police,

but they were like, you just gotta go. And so he was just like, go ahead and call the police. Oh, see what they'll do. Oh, no. Oh, I know, please go away. I'm handed to the police. I think he really gives that. I was gonna tease this guy, but when you up my note, please go away. I'm handed to the police. I think he really gives that.

I was gonna tease this guy, but when you put that note, you see when you put it in my honestly, the fly of my pants, I now know. We gotta leave this guy alone. He's smart. Well, what's interesting about the note is I think there is something there, because if you notice the wording on the first note,

he said, please put the money they want in the bag. And I think that's a very important clue. I think he does have something where he thinks that somebody is telling him, or he thinks that somebody is telling him to go rob the banks, do this, give them the note. They will do what they tell you. Yeah, I think that he thinks that that's what you do.

Yes, right. And that you do a thing where you're like, but you see, I was just following orders. Even though you're like, of who? The grand masters. I mean, like if it didn't work for Madame Blavotsky, I don't know if it's going to work for you. Can't believe nobody ever fucking thought of this loophole.

I'm a fucking genius. I wish I had a mad genius note, man. I'd be swimming in hot dog river right now. Good fucking try it. Why don't you start writing notes being like, you'll give me this hamburger for free. Is it that chaos magic that I just come on it, right? And then you might, yeah, sure, but you can't, they can't see the calm at a store. I did it once.

I was trying to get this girl back that I was sad about it. And I did it. I thought real hard about it. And I came on the note or whatever. And she nothing happened. You did it wrong. You did it. I thought real hard about it and I came on the note or whatever and she nothing happened. You did it wrong. Magic's bullshit. You did it wrong.

You probably didn't do the surgery right. You probably did it all. I just swarply wrote, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, she came back with me. Sandra gets Sandra back in my life and then you skipped a lot of scouts. You did it. Yeah, you can't just write Sandra in a piece of paper. Come on. Yeah, you skipped a lot of stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noab. You did, yeah, you can't just write Sandra in a piece of paper, come on it. Yeah, you skipped a lot of steps.

Oh yeah. No, it's not. No, I just got to come on something. No, no, what you do is you, I really did this by the way. You skipped so many steps. Like, and not even actually, they're not even that difficult. No, all you had to do is write out what you want. You take out all of the vowels.

You take the vowels out. Then you take the all of the vowels. Oh, yeah, you take the vowels off. Then you take the rest of the letters and you draw a sigil. He has no idea how to do that. Out of those letters and then you come on. It was so hard to fucking shoot. Yeah, I mean, look, this fucking stupid. I felt so silly. Yeah, of course. Yeah, no, that's the power of ritual magic because you have to get past the first wall, which is feeling like an asshole. That is the whole vowel shit. Yeah, that's all wrong.

Yeah, because she probably like farted herself like awake that night. She probably did not know. She was like, oh, it's going good. And there's like a lizard fell out of her pussy. She's like, oh, no, you're spilling a happening. That's right. I did wake up at the morning. There was an egg in my bed.

Whoa. Maybe it did. Look, you put it under a lamp. Well, if this guy's going to jail, yeah, very much so bad. You're going for about 20 years. Yeah, maximum sentence of 20 years. But I mean, he's got a pretty hardcore,

not hardcore, but a long rap sheet, larceny, DWI. He got a court marshal in 1996 after a brief stint in the military. You know, that's kind of like almost for criminals. That's like a badger honor in a way. Yeah, distribution of drug. So he got like, he got into the army I probably so he could sell drugs.

Just wow. And also, that's a dumb idea. God, he's got bad ideas. Yeah, why would you go to the army to sell drugs? Well, in V, yeah, cause that's the thing, usually, in V, it's the soldiers smuggling all the drugs back. Because that used to be pretty common in V, right? Right.

They would put heroin into the body bags and then bring them back to America. That's how you make a body bag extra depressing. Yeah, absolutely. Fill it with things that'll kill more people. I feel like network executives should hire him as an anti-think tank. Be like, all right, what TV show ideas do you have so we never do them?

Okay, it's called Hitlers Bad. Alright, cool. Another thing we won't do. Cool, yeah, how about, how does my shit taste? Where I buy shit in a bucket and we get a bunch of congresswomen together, they eat my shit and we say on a level from shit, to shitty shit, how bad is my shit taste? It's called scream library, okay?

And we all just, we sit in a library. You were literally just, I'm pitching the idea, you are changing silent library. Yes, you just looked at me, you thought of what horrible television shows has Henry been on. And then you decided to read that. Would that be the worst? Is that the lowest Hollywood man of your life?

I because I so yes, I've told the story before, but literally it was because I saw Craig's list ad that said TV show was looking for men with Harry, Belly and back. And I sent a bunch of pictures of my body. I mean, life you thought you were dying. Oh, yeah, I never knew that. That was when Cold and I were working in an office together. But he also had a night job. And so he was just working. He was just I had three jobs.

I had a morning job and afternoon job and a night job. And we were doing comedy. And then I do is like I was I paid all the whatever money I had. I'd pulled together and I'd get a pint of Canadian mist. And that's how I'd go to sleep every night. That's what I eat. I'd eat like a two boxes of pasta and I drink my fucking pint of Canadian Miss and go to sleep. And he thought he was dying and he didn't attribute that at all to my diet, my life's diet, no sleep.

Yeah. But then, yeah, I just sent those pictures to a man. Yeah. I just took those pictures of me. Yeah. No clothes on just to this man. Yeah. I just took those pictures of me, no clothes on, just to this man. And then I went to a studio and then I remember the woman was outfitting me with the sausage suspenders

that they had to eat off me. The band that was there, the weird screamo band that was the contestants there that you'd, you remember the band? No, they were horrible. A bunch of shit had little fuck faces, right? And then all of a sudden I remember the woman who was putting the costumes on me.

She's like, you know, I also do some of the costumes of Saturday Night Live. You'd really be surprised where people can go and that's the worst. And I was gonna be like, I'm jealous. He's got a TV right at it. He was jealous.

Oh yeah, no, no, this is all just abs. And little did you know those pictures you were sending and were to a man at MTV. Oh, yeah, I feel like if it was the other way around, he would have made a lot more money. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was just fucking just a whole nation. Yeah, yeah, I would have been incredible. But at the time holding you were quite svelte. Me and you were at the time.

We were the exact same size. I cannot believe I have bodies more of you. I did not until I look at pictures now. I'm like, oh, I wasn't fat then. I'm fat now. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I look at that guy and I'm like, what was I thinking? Because I had the mindset of a not get laid man, right?

But I think I'm your father now and a husband, you're out of that game. Of course, of course, long gone now, but I'm just saying, I learned so many women had crushes on me years later. They were all wrong. Every one of them was incorrect. Beautiful women, beautiful minds. Look at me right now. Yeah. When we first met, we were the exact same size.

That's throwing. You kid, Shaman, we did bring him on here to attack him, obviously. You know, you're the shaming as bot. No, that's good, I need this. I've been it's a motivation. I'm going to start working hard soon. Love that. Love a promise. Nothing like an I owe you to yourself because you're like, that's as good as being done. Well, tonight, I tell you this. I was a changing, winning. And she pointed at Lexi and she was like, Mama, booby,

Mama booby, because you know, and then she pointed at me and she said, dad, dad booby, dad, dad booby, my shirt off and that time was a rare shirtless occasion. And then, and then Lexi literally, I've never seen her have your mind. She fully doubled over like she, it was like in a cartoon. Harder she's laugh with you. So hard. And then when he points to my tummy, she goes, dad, that belly, dad, that belly.

And Lexi is, I've never seen her more beside herself with pleasure. Hey, man. It's what you deserve. It's what you deserve because now that child is just a mirror looking back at you. There you go. It's beautiful.

Right from your play. Well, you want to stay in crime? Yeah, it's just a mirror looking back at you. There you go. It's beautiful. Right from North way. Well, you want to stay in crime? No, it's just a work to do to the crime. Let's stay in crime. Let's go down to Florida for our next story. Now, this is old fashioned. Now, this old fashioned crime, this guy just seen that there was a market

and he was trying to fulfill that market. And it's an interesting market because this man is being arrested for dealing drugs, but he's being arrested for dealing drugs in the villages. Wow. Now, do you ever spend any time at the villages in Florida? Oh, the, are we talking about the weird Disney world? No, that's, I forgot what they all called giant retirement celebration. I saw a documentary about the villages. Yes. And they are obviously it's a very large retirement. Like I said, guess you say environment.

Yeah, in the middle of Florida, you know, and they are, man, they're fucking dude. Yeah, yeah, fucking dude. There was this one in that documentary. There was this one guy that was didn't have a place at the villages. He was living out of his car just trying to meet other old women to get in. And you watch him. He's like, I got in. I got in over there.

That building over there. He's like just shacked up with his old lady, just bang her out. So we can get a free, uh, Roof over his head. Right him. And indeed, this story is all about banging it out. I got a name, Reginald Odell Kinser. He's 77 has been arrested for trying to sell

a whole bunch of erectile dysfunction pills. Dude, look at the smile on this man's face for his mug shot. That is, that's $10,000 smile. That's not his mug shot. That's his villages like you book. I knew that's a matter, man. What he is happy is that Goddamn erect glam. I feel, and maybe I'm in St.

Fresno is what is illegal about selling these pills? It's because he got them. How is this a crime? It's a they got he got it from a doctor. He wasn't supposed to their boot like. Yeah, so these are he went and got it but said because what it is. It's they're just not prescriptive. What's the terms? I'm got a there just they are prescription, but you know, he's getting them without the prescription. He's just dulling them out. Because like say, if you're an old man and your doctor is not going to give you the bone or you don't have you don't even have a penis. You just have a set of balls and your balls get really weird and hard. What's nice about that is then you can use your balls like they were a dick. I think you could put it inside the vagina or you know, or in the beehull, right?

Because then you have some thing in there. Ball fucking Henry. Look at your talking to me. I know. It's how Winnie was made. These drugs, they have strange names. And it's snow, Vita, Valetra, sure, and force 100. Whoa. So I'm, I don't need

Sin Force 100. I feel like that's, I don't need send force 100. I feel like that's gonna make you do other shit as well. I like this. This is a Vida Lisa. Oh, Italian. I remember the Botega cross for me in New York and Brooklyn every time I'd go in, literally every time I'd go in to get beer or whatever it was, the guy at the counter he'd point and samurai ex.

Samurai ex. Samurai ex. With samurai ex, X? What's the name of it? With samurai X, the one that had Ryu fucking Chun Lee, except all you would see was like Ryu's like weird ass, they showed the fucking angle from the porno that everyone hates between the balls. Yeah, that between the balls, and yet that was on the cover. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I was like,

no, samurai X for me. I am doing fine. I'm seriously not getting laid at this point in my life. No, my God, it's funny. I've never once in my 16 years in New York, never once did a man offer me samurai X. It was just right. It was this running joke.

Okay. It was this civic running joke for me. And I was like, it's samurai X. It was the same guy every time. Like, all right. I was trying to have my 40 of butt light or whatever. My question is if you've ever done those, have you ever taken any of the horny goat weed or any of that stuff?

I heard such horrible things because it was either you or Eddie who took some. I won't name names. I mean, it's Eddie O's Eddie. Yeah, it's definitely a stuff like that. That's it. Nobody's that the problem was that he's like, you're frighteningly hard. You're also frightened because it's an upper. So your heart's going. Nobody. The problem was that he's like, you're frighteningly hard. You're also frightened because it's an upper. So your heart's going real hard.

It's just like, it's very, very scary. Yeah. And I think he took it out of curiosity. And I would not put anything in my body that I bought from the back of the bowdegas. I'm not an upper guy. First of all, the male love uppers. Second of all, I read, I think it was a Reddit post where this guy went in a full detail about he took too much or whatever, and

he had to go to the hospital and then it take this like giant, comically large needle and shove it into his car. It's very bad. The blood out of his penis. Oh, yeah. And he was like, it was like painfully viscerally, awfully hard. And you know, to the point where he's like, I have to go to the hospital. Yeah. When would you ever take yourself to the hospital for an erection unless it was that bad?

And like, it was just the description. I mean, it was gonna also... It could destroy the material inside of your penis. The spongy material. Yeah, imagine how it works is that it just sends, it activates something in your brain that sends blood. Blister, right? Blister, see your, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like filled with a very brim of it. And then it's just like the very top of its allowance for any form of pressure. Yeah, and I don't think any of that stuff they sold in Bodeca's was like regulated. Oh, no, no.

Like if that's like, it's on the level of like the spice. Like, maybe the spice has, we've always had to do it. Yeah, and that's sad when he'd take it it would make his toes itchy. Yeah, that was different. I think that was his, because he was like on his head.

Right. And his feet were like towards the ceiling. He said, the other way for his penis to sit properly was he had to do a hair floor. And it was guys that's going to jail here for selling all this erectile dysfunction drugs. He will I'm I'm down for this guy because he is like he's like a good time.

It's a smile. It's a smile. He's got the big smile. And he's a good time drug dealer because he was arrested back in 2020. And that's amazing because he 70, he's 77 now. So he got arrested when he was 74 for selling mushrooms, weed and ecstasy. Dude, I would be so thrilled of being a retirement having me that guy. No man, that's the hook up hook up. Yeah. Like the dude that sell an ex and the villages,

like man, that's the fuck it. That's the best dude in the village. Oh man, mushrooms on retired is so good. And you can imagine what that'll be like maybe one day is hanging on. You're got your golf cart. You just been drinking Miller light all morning. You know, I mean watching golf just going then you drop a couple of like liquid psilocybin in your eyeballs and you go down there and be like, let me go see if I can see some fish. The concrete concrete we just did the, we just recorded our gory episode for Wizards of the Bruiser. And and one of my favorite stories, the lamb,

a guy from the Lamb of God, the metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He like went to their like workshop space and Otter Saronga's brocky walked up to him and he was like, Hey, what's up man? He was like, Hey, you want to do this? He was like, sure, and he pulls out a beaker, filled to the brim and squirts it in his eyeball.

I blame it God, guys, I was just like 12 hits ass. This is the problem with being around all these like mental guys. It's work. Yeah. It was so easy. It was like, and he just spent the rest of the whole rest of the night into the morning talk of the walls. It's one of those, man, where at some point like,

this is probably hang up with all these extreme guys. You got to do all these extreme things. Where it's like, man, I'm trying to deescalate. Turn it to wind it down, turn it down, turn it down. Turn it down. The temperate gets. Well, the guy from Lamb of God, he had to have been in his 20s, right? Yeah, this was back in the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To your invincible youths. Oh, and back in the day. But yeah, he was terrified of horrible experience. Oh, yeah, very scary. But this dude, uh, Kenser, he was given three years of probation for selling X-weed. They're gonna throw the book at him now. Yeah, but that's the thing.

He went off a probation in 2021 that I think he thought that he was just going to move into like the safer world of like dick drugs. He's like, who's going to bust me for this? Yeah. Who's going to care? Who's the victim here? Yeah. That makes me wonder like, who actually turned a man? Like, if I were to have a bunch of wives

that were like, please get my husband out of me. I am wrecked. My vagina is, yeah, completely. He was never supposed to have this much dick power at this age. Like, he was supposed to slow. He was supposed to go away. He was supposed to stop.

Yes. But this people magazine article, we got this story from, it actually has a very funny addendum at the end or an interesting addendum at the end. There's always there's this kind of urban legend that the village is the STD capital of the United States. Everyone says that, you know, old people fuck, they don't care anymore. They can't get it. Slathered with comments, Plidia university. Uh huh. And actually the villages have lower rates of STD's compared to Florida overall. Maybe it's because they die earlier. You mean like, you know, when it comes to you know,

like they talk about like the main reason why the median age or average age in the middle ages was 30 because it was like, it's more that so many babies died. Yeah. Or maybe it's just like, you know, if you don't get to the test, right, then you don't have it. Or you know, as my grandmother always used to say,

crabs can't live in a scorched bush. I love that lady. You see it as bad. Burn to the ground. Well, speaking of burn it to the ground, we've been talking a lot about like family annihilators here on the show, right? We talked about it. We love it. We love it. We talked about with our Jeffrey McDonald series. We talked

about a family annihilator. Last time I was on side stories a couple of weeks ago, and the thing that Henry always says is that, you know, you can just leave. Yeah, there's no reason to kill the whole family. It's actually a lot of trouble. Yeah. Like what you should do at any point is getting a car just driving to Mexico. Well, especially back in the day, I mean, now it's actually a lot of trouble. Yeah. Like what you should do at any point is getting a car, just drive to Mexico. Well, especially back in the day, I mean, now it's a little bit harder with the social media, but I mean, it's insane how many dudes was started entire family. And then literally just go like an hour down the road to the next town over and then just started it by the entire family.

You want more family? You didn't like family one. But this guy, he's from Texas. He was a developer and a home builder. And he did actually try the just going away method. He tried disappearing, but he did it very badly. What he did, because this guy was in a ton of debt. He had spent all of his money on super bowl tickets and World Series tickets.

He got a bunch of meat and greets with all these athletes. He was living like the high roller lifestyle, and all of it was coming from Embezzled Fun. It's very interesting, because it sounds like what he did, which is like, it's such a dumb TV show idea that he got a big job, and then something snapped inside of his head.

Because you know, with contractors, what you learn, right, is that? They're on a timeline that only God knows. There's only, only the pan and the pantheon of the Roman gods have any idea, but the actual schedule of a contractor, because they'll say like, coming out this week, all of a sudden, it's Thanksgiving. You know, and we're in this guy shows up,

and like, and now like you got family there, but now they're ripping out the concrete. You know, he's just like, you want it? You don't know you want this. And so they come and say, I've been thinking all wicked. What if we put a bathroom in the sky? Yeah. Like how would that even, buddy? Anti-gravity magnify. But I think that he got the money. And then he said, we was like, you know, fuck it. Audi 5000. He bought super, he bought, he was like $100,000 like fucking some big get. He got some giant Dodge Ram TR. No, just his truck was $100,000. Yes, but Dodge Ram TRX.

For some reason, he got this big gig and then he just fucking spent all of it on, like, yeah, and also Super Bowl tickets. So dumb. Yeah, it's so dumb, but it wasn't, I mean, it wasn't just that gig. I mean, he was doing it. Once he got it from the big gig, he started doing from like smaller ones like, and he was so brazen about it. Or at least he thought he was so clever. He actually got a vanity license plate that said, hide it. Because he was taking all this money. And you know, he had a fucking, he had two houses. He had a second home in Galveston, like, down, you know, on the coast on the, you know, Gulf of Mexico. He had a Dodram TRX. He had an escalade staying at luxurious hotels, resorts. And finally one day, like he feels

the walls closing in around him. Like he finally sees like, okay, this should have come into an end. So what he does is he instead of like, you know, the whole thing that usually happens with family and is is I don't want my family to suffer the embarrassment of being poor. Yeah, they're going to this change of status is something that my children and my wife can't handle. So they have to be turned into co-op. That's an embarrassment. I enjoy actually. My wife and child get to see it's great. We got them and them to see. I come in coming. I'm like I've been hopping some trains are like why are you hopping trains you work with the podcast? I'm free. So what this guy did is that he took his $100,000 truck

Took it out into the country not even in the country You just took it out like somewhere in the middle of town, and then set it on fire. Yeah, dude. Like, I guess that like Al Cade took him. I didn't mean like, I don't know what he said. It on fire. And then he just disappeared. Meanwhile, they're all like,

hmm, all the money that was for this like big like building homes, contract is also gone. Yeah. And so they made announcement. When they found him, they made this like very funny, the police in their own way have their own shitty sense of humor, where they're like, we thought it looks like that we finally have reunited Mr. Dettimore with his family. Like, like this idea of being like, thank God he's safe. And now comes the avalanche of

charges. Yeah. They found him at a bus stop in San Antonio. Yeah. Like six days, six days after his quote unquote disappearance. That's as far as he made it. Is San Antonio a bus stop? Why is he taking the bus? Does he have this money? Buses are in his truck. It's true. And bus is one of the last truly anonymous ways to travel. But you could still just buy a ticket for cash. You don't have to have a name on the ticket. Especially if you ride a ghost bus. Oh yeah, and then you're just you have to deal with the fucking. That's fucking ghosts. So I'm holding on like for you to sort of break down. How do you plan to disappear from your family? Oh yeah, great, great question. What individual hides in plain sight? The clown. The clown hides in plain sight. That's right, I would create a fake traveling carnival.

So you could never, I'm never staying in one place at once. Oh, so you're going something wicked this way comes? Yes. Carly. Barry spooky. Carly, please. Yeah, no, no. The show, the show time show.

Yes, the show time shows. There'll be a bunch of fucking and suckin' and stuff, right? That happened, right? It was like, Oz, but in a carnival. It was, yes, just like, neither one of it a carnival. It was, yeah, it's just like, I'm really nice. Neither one of you watched Carnival. I watched it for a couple episodes. It was one of my, it's one of my favorite shows. It's so sad that it was like in a cliffhanger. No, it's because that Clancy Brown

and he was fucking awesome and it had the, the little person from Twin Peaks. He was one of the main creators. Oh, he was great. It was an amazing show. But no, yeah, you could hide there. And how many like penis sucks were in the show? Like there were actually a fair amount. Now that I think about it, there were some, there was a, a, they called a jiggle show. Yeah. And those women were sex workers as well. And at a fair time. Yeah, I saw some tits and that. Yeah, there were plenty of tits and that's what he was trying to do show from the late 90s. Right. Right. And there's even that one part is like, now I'm not going to show you tits. I'm going to show you my ass. And it's just also tits. Yeah, which is

crazy. It was like, I put it in my ass. Sign me up. Sign me up. So you think that somehow you will be able to pull together a premier television version of a erotic carnival. Yes. I will be blonde. So my carnival. Yes. I will be blond so my clown character you've met. Yes. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You've taken money from us. You've taken money from us. But you won't recognize me because I'm in full, constantly clown making. I think unfortunately I could recognize you from fucking 500 yards.

Oh, lose the weight. First, I'll lose the weight. Just the simple effect. It's the bumps, not to get in there too hard, but you're covered in bumps. All right, how about this? We'll change it up a little bit. It's inspired by a different film.

Okay, I go, I go like, I think I want to run around the world. There's a way to different film. Okay. I go, I go like, I think I want to run around the world. There's a way to help the world. You know, so I just, you're just going to become an off brand forest. It'd be like forest comp and everyone, you know, so how you catch me. You know, he got national attention. I was about to say what's interesting about every single one of your plans is that they, they attract massive amounts of attention. Yeah. None of this is going to catch me. I'm always running.

You're always jogging a slow pace. Yeah, I can hit you with a car. Yeah, but also as soon as you catch me, you grab me and whatever, try to pull me into a car. I'll be like, oh, life is like a dog's. You can pretend all you want, but you're just gonna have to do it. And we're like, look at the sweet man. Look at the sweet, simple man.

And look at how these, they're hurting the sweet man. Yeah, I don't know if that's going to work for you in court. I'd be like chickens walked down the street to a different, so laugh is like a dead cow. You remember, I said, I said before, side stories was getting too smart. Yeah, I remember that. And I feel like it's now we're heading towards the pendulum swing towards too far to the other side. Sure.

Bro, you can catch me. I'd like to see it. Fine. Let's do it. Let's simulate this. I'll have a big bag of money. I'm sure you could. You're right behind me.

You're like, 10 paces behind me. And we'll see if you can catch me. Nothing would make me happier than to watch you run away. You can just run. I ran a half marathon, damn you. 10 years ago. 10 years ago. And almost as many years as there are miles and a half marathon ago, that's what I ran

it. But, you know, it's still fucking believe it. But okay, great. Fine, you catch me. Then oh my god, look at these guys doing to this sweet, simple man. And then you'll be the enemies of the state. And then all, you know what I mean? And then I'll have a picture with Obama or some shit. You know,

Obama's not going to grant a picture for you. I don't think he is. You need to have an effort to. What's not a wish? I don't think he's going to grant it. I'm just fucking taking it. We could tell him you have cancer. He's all tell him I have all of it. I'm in the hospital. I've got Alzheimer's at the feet. Yeah. Yeah. I feed it. It's here from my motor pills. I took a Leon today. You know, anyway, I'll just pull some ad in there. I'll throw a gun to get in there. I gotta tell you, this is my Obama impression.

I gotta tell you, Lanzo, best story I've ever heard. You know what, that is good? Can we have a fucking picture? You fucker. Unfortunately, I will not allowed myself to be seen with you or next to you for in any way, shape of the- Bye from North Way. I can take this back to serious.

I can take this back to something. Intellectual. Intellectual. Yeah, a little more complex. Intellectual. I don't know about intellectual, but it is serious. Okay. In the coming months, investigators will be piecing together the identities of 115 bodies

found in a seemingly desolate building in Penrose, Colorado. Now, this is what we've covered a couple of stories like this on side stories where there is something about funeral homes in certain ways and how bodies are disposed of. And how we find out there's actually a huge, not only a market in people just by an organ added coolers, right? Like, that's like a thing, but also just using an organ out of coolers, right? Like that's like a thing, but also just using bodies to kind of ship around. Like, you know, one of the guys that was a part of the, like, I want to say, one of the mortuary scientists inside of Harvard was selling bodies to be,

to like people who have like Etsy shops and people who sell bones on, like, you know, in oddity stores across the country. There's like a huge market for these bodies. It's kind of like how people embezzle funds like from a hedge fund, but they're doing it with your fucking Nana's corpse. Yeah. But with this case, this is more just one of those things where the work keeps piling up and it keeps piling up.

And you think one of these days, I'm going to get to it. One of these days, and then eventually you just kind of start to think that you're like, you know, maybe this problem will just take care of itself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's the everything drawer in your kitchen. Yes. Just the body. Yeah. This is this happened at the return to nature funeral home, which boasted an embalmant free burial, though it no embalming, but that means that you got to get the body in the body as fast as possible. What do they do? They just chuck it at a fucking car window?

Like what do they do? They just leave it for a bunch of possums to live in that they use old techniques, you know? And then they bury you in a biodegradable Coffin, you know something that's wood something that's gonna break down And you just return to nature, but the problem is that they just kept Piling up the bodies in the back. I don't trust any of this shit because Natalie really wants to do the thing right where she's buried In like a bird's nest. Yes she's buried in like a bird's nest.

Yes, where it's like a seed. The tree thing. That tree thing. She really wants to do that. But I really, I'm just like, baby, I don't know if it's real. I think that sometimes they'll just take, they'll say like, yeah, wait, you filled her fucking whole ass. You see, they could say whatever they want.

Your body's gone. If I, I'm already traumatized, I'm not gonna go in there and be like, let me see it. I wanna see your corpse. And you're in like, no one's checking. Put her in the pod. Yeah, once it's in there, like, you know, like, so we're just trusting these people

that are also in this extremely morbid industry in the first place. What if it makes like a shitty treat, like a bitch ass treat? And then everyone's like, look at that, look at that assy tree. Okay, you see that, that's called the hanging tree. I mean, like, it looks like a gallows, like it's like a long, like, like in the movie Pulitzer guys. Yeah, like a big butthole or something.

These orange is a shard. Kids make fun of it. Oh, that's like the local tree, all the kids make fun of it. Yeah, she's a tree that looks like it's got a big butt on it. Now you're at the big butt tree. Yeah, that's like the local tree. All the kids make that just a tree that looks like it's got a big butt on it. Now you're at the big butt tree. Yeah. That's the thing. I'm like, they make internet porn illegal. So they start doing weird things to the tree. Yeah. I'm gonna fuck the tree. Yeah. Exactly. Again, new industry. That's up. Mouse. Now we've actually

stumbled into a new way that capitalism heals itself. You know, I remember when I was a kid, you know, when pornography was not so readily available. So worried about where this is headed. Yes. It's all right. All of his stories have already been told. It's fine. No, on the playground, though, is this tree that had, that had growths out of it that look like breasts.

And so we called it the titty tree. And you'd go and you'd meet near the titty tree. Right. And kids would stare at the tree and, you know, you'd look like, oh, that, that tree looks like it has a pair of breasts. And oh, isn't that wonderful? And so we just stare at it and look at it. and you know, you'd look like, oh, that tree looks like it has a pair of breasts and always that wonderful. And so we just stare at it and look at it and you touch it. Everyone.

Yeah, sure. And pop sound is like you want some bonapil. Yeah. I went on the retirement home. Yeah. Chopped them up. You didn't like that tree used to be my wife. Well, now kids sexualized trees.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, whatever is not nailed out. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't need the lack of internet pornography to do that. No, you can just use your brain. I remember just watching over and over again, a video of, I forget who the, I think it was like Daisy Fuentes or something. She was coasting Americans, funny, some videos, and she was wearing heels and she literally

just, I would repeat her walking down three pairs of steps. Cause heels, that's your fetish. Yes, cause I love heels. I mean, let's, let's, let's, pleaseish. Yes, because I love heels. I mean, he'll, I mean, he'll, looks please not. I hate feet, love heels. Let's please not. I don't want to hear your fetishes.

I would have comes to that. I would watch this woman just walk down three stairs. That's weird and rewind and repeat. I think that we're new than anything we've talked about all day. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah, but you would just, it would you have like, would you keep,

would you coordinate it enough to keep jerking with one hand and doing the rewind with the other? I guess I was I guess I was just kind of supposed to gain us listen. Like this was supposed to help. And that's why I'd like to be buried in a giant high heel that says man, I fucked a bunch. Man, I fucked a bunch. Just winning there just like, you know, well, no, she won't be at the funeral. Like if you're being buried in that way, you got she hasn't been in a motorcycle laughing her ass off all the way to Vegas. I think the chances of her showing up at his

funeral are going to be slim at best. How we stack it because I'll get up there. You know, Ed, obviously take the bullets. I come in, you know, like with you, my big long song, we're like, glad he's dead. You know what I'm requesting. We've talked about this. I went to Henry for that literally nervous. And I don't even like the song to sing a full Aqabella version of crocodile rock at my funeral.

I remember when rock was ill. Me and you, he had so much. And I want to say to me is like holding holden Why he wants I don't know I'm gonna take into it and the sweetest kick I ever And I remember me like Everyone's happy your dad. Yeah, and then I'm g cry. And I'm gonna be like, oh, fucking shit. And then that's a robot, but everyone's happy. You're dead. And then I'm giggling inside the coffin because I just embezzled a bunch of money from

you guys. And that's now running on empty. You have to get cut in to your home. Obviously being like, old and McNeely is. So simple, my. Yeah, yeah, exactly. God, how did we get here? How we always get here when he's around.

It's just he's that we like he he we let him lead at one point. I know that he just takes it because we get in this fucking river of slime. That he takes with him everywhere. It's shut to show. Welcome back to side story. And we can talk to the side and tell a story. He's dead. It's not bad.

It's not bad at all. So you want to talk about this bullshit sigh out that ring is running? Oh, wait, let me do it real quick. I'll do a quick rundown because I think we're almost at, we're almost at the towards the end of the show. Let me, let me do a quick rundown. All right, so all right.

Number one, ring cameras or whatever. You feel about this one thing? Like, I don't remember. Is that when you got a ring camera, it's going straight to Amazon. They're using your data. Bob, Bob. But they have a new thing out there coming out right now,

which is ring is offering a million dollars for proof of alien life. And what they're doing that for is essentially to have you turn on an option with the ring that allows you to just that camera to just roll endlessly because we now find that the police use this type of thing as a way of inner surveillance systems are also they get aggregates like we realize a couple of shit right so

It seems like this exciting thing because we all want footage of aliens everybody wants one But the ring camera is not pointed to the sky with the idea that you think a an alien will arrive at your door Okay, yeah, or we'll just be walking down the sidewalk. And you'll see it walking down the street. You know what, I also realized this. So at first, yes, my first impulse is surveillance state, blah, blah, blah, helping, helping all of that, helping have more eyeballs everywhere. But I realized the other thing is, is that the ring is an Amazon machine. And so these cars and the guys that do deliveries for Amazon, they drive this.

And I imagine that that ring camera and I might be wrong. Side stories, LPL, the Gmail.com, but I'm pretty certain that they have a way of registering when something like an Amazon truck drives in front of the house and makes a delivery. And I bet you this is also a kind of way that you can use to track how fast deliveries are going, how efficient your employees are. And it's like another way to basically, and also find out the delivery schedules for UPS, for the FedEx. How do we beat them on their rates?

It's like, I feel like there's another side thing where they're also using it to spy against themselves. Maybe, but I feel like there's like petabytes of data involved in that. Oh, yes. But then you have a bunch of guys crunching it at all times, and then mix with that's kind of what AI really is for. Yeah. And it's for sifting through all that shit. All of that garbage and it's quite a hold-in. May like fade a seedin. Yeah, this is you.

You call me on the phone and you said, man, Marcus, like, I love young sized stories. You doing a great job, but it's like it's getting too smart. Like we're talking to like we're talking like you're bringing too much expertise into the show. We are trying to work we're experimenting with vibes. And this is what I stand for. Al in Compantinto. He's a great guy.

He tells me cigars. What's the point? I'm not a good expert, but I buy him. He's in salesmen. You honestly hold in like, what is your serious take on aliens? Oh, on UFOs. Oh, on UFOs? Well, that man, the man in the suit,

talked to the government recently, and that was exciting. I remember that was going down. What? The man in the suit was like, that's third tube house, third build house. We talked to the government, they had the hearing. Yeah, they did have a UAP here.

And, you know, David Grush, the whistle blow over the tube. Yeah, our case at Gore-Test was there. And she was like, well, fight, you know, we'll fucking fight people. She was. She didn't say any of that. She's a responsible congresswoman. I mean, I guess I believe it, whatever, but I have the whole thought process of like, the sad, I like the sad theory that we're a waste of their time. So they would oh, sure. to come here.

Well, there's a lot of talks about that. Like, what if it is indeed true? Because like, if you look at the universe, the size of the universe, or where we're located in the universe, there's some people that kind of say, apparently, we're sort of off to the side. Right. And we might actually be real far from the action. We're at backwater.

Right, right. Or are we, I also like the idea, more so practical, full on aliens or biological creatures, right? Like, let's get past the, I always like the idea that it's interdimensional and there's something else going, there's another layer going on that we don't understand. But let's just like creatures that live on another rock somewhere. Like something like that. What if there's also a possibility that we are actually a new, like life is new in the universe. We are one of very few points of functioning conscious life

in the universe. And that one day, maybe probably closer to the heat death of this planet that we will see a sky filled with actual like, like thoughtful, like like actual conscious creatures. That would be interesting. I also, I'm all, I'm such a pessimist with this stuff. I also like the theory that any civilization or any life out there that gets to a certain point of evolution will instead destroy themselves.

Blow them up. They would ever make it out to see that's called the great filter theory. Yes. I think that is also another. So, oh, wow. Is any of fucking lawyer sometimes about shit? You know what I mean a lawyer would have said none of Lawyer would have been like I don't know what advice you shut the fuck up and I'll stay on this show And it's also funny how a lawyer is the smartest person you can think that's the only one you can think of lawyers No, and just side note as far when it comes to collecting data and AI and stuff, I don't give a fuck. Who are you?

Oh, your data is so bright. Oh, they want to know all your secrets. What are my secrets? Fucking looking up a walk through for portal to. Yeah, I know. Secret or something. I turn off to the Amber. They are trying to figure out what you spend.

Well, we're we are now aging past the demographic where they particularly care what money we're spending and where we're spending our money. We're slowly cutting, what's your thoughts? Can you feel the freedom? Yeah. You sort of feel, I mean, obviously we're still getting IPs still being constantly advertising or Rubik's cubes. Yeah, yeah, like who does this?

Yeah, I mean, like fuck his metrics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. See my metrics go fuck this guy's metrics. Yeah. Over the last month, I have, well, it's that I do feel things being sold at me. And I have bought them like I bought the fucking, I bought the Nintendo Lego set.

Yeah. Yeah. And I built it. And it's great. And it's incredible. That's a payoff one. That one's like, wow, this was actually great. You also made, you have disposable income.

And you literally are chose to do that instead of like, you know, buying a bunch of guns. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think is really nice. Yeah. It is, it is really nice. Yeah. I like my goofy baby toys, you know, and you mean, and that's just me. Yeah. You like your rope. You like your Rubik's tube. To my arcade stick. Yeah. My fun toy thing. Simple pleasures for a simple boy. I keep that's the problem. Lex is like can you give Winnie her toys back? I think that's really great. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's a time for hero of the week. I think it's time for hero of the week Now me no never Never. I'm offended that you even, that it even crossed your mind that it could be. Yeah. What a narcissist.

I'm a simple man. I'm going to get across the country. Even he would not view him as a hero. I would not give that to him for his comp. He just ran. He just had a shrimp and boat. All right. Henry, he was a Vietnam veteran or hero.

That was why no, it's just a joke. Go, go, go, bit me. Yeah. or hero hero. That was why no, it's so good. Jumped up a bit. Yeah. And he helps out down right. Yeah. No, we all remember. Really?

Um, number one. So there is a real hero. I'm not going to get into it because it's fucking lame. Virginia College professor stops the abduction of a college student boring. Now, the, but the real hero this week is the guy that invented the pussy flavored potato chip. If you go to teen up, chaschips.com. hero this week is the guy that invented the pussy flavored potato chips. If you go to teen up chaschips.com. This guy, it takes delivery, take seven to 21 working days.

I gotta say weeks. No, according to here, this is the description for this. Did you know that the world is going to hell? Coordinating several past years research data across the world. Millennials are having three times less sex in their parents at the same age. And the pussy flavor is going to change that. It's got to, brother. But it believes it is unbelievable that someone is choosing social media instead of live

communication dating and real sex. Chaz team is young, bold, socially responsible. So we took the disastrous trend very personally. We decided to draw everyone's attention to it and this contribute to solving this problem. And that's how we came up with the idea to create the world's first pussy flavored chips. So yeah, man, chips with unique taste for brave and free people. I agree with that.

That's what it's for. Oh yeah, it's great for gift. And it's a perfect way to test your friend's courage, openness. I'm so feeling this. So there you go. This is where we find the fault in this. He's trying to sit the fault in our stars. He's trying to say, Oh, I'm trying to like get people horny again, but you have to be brave to eat this chip. What's he trying to say actually about pussy juice and its

flavorings? I think he's, I think he's a negative. I think it's more so about the fact that there's now in chip form. Right. Right. I also feel like that this was Google translated from another language because it is your rose. You know, Europe. It's from Europe. Oh, you're okay. This is a PS for girls and women.

If this or previous year you were pleased by someone, it is very likely that you have directly contributed to the creation of this taste. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what that means. Oh, it's just your own natural Lithuanian vegetables. What don't even know what that means. I don't know what that means. Oh, it's just here. Oh, natural Lithuanian vegetables. What does that even mean? By the way, I just totally forgot this. We still have a fan sent Jackie and I hot dog flavored candy cans, pickle flavored candy

cans and like ham. I think a ham flavored candy can. I've had pickle flavored candy cans. They're delicious. They're not asking. Pickle flavoring can kind of work. It can translate. This is my thing with the pussy flavored chip is like, what's his approach to the pussy flavor? God knows.

It's just fucking Iroly fish. Yeah, that's dumb. It's going to be stupid. We'll also apparently go in for it. Like be it is it a bio pussy flavored. According to them, they also have dick flavor. Oh, they have hemp and jalapenos, right? They have caramelized onion, which actually been some bad. They have a bread chips, I don't know what that is. Yeah, but they got a dick, they got dick flavored chips. Bread chips is a crouton. You know, I can't.

They have a one chip, they have their own run chip challenge that killed the child. Nice. You see this? Yeah, one chip challenge. Yeah, it killed the child. I didn't do that on stream. I guess I won't.

No, they killed the child. Seriously, fucking holding. Don't do it. I don't do it want you to challenge. Yeah, it killed the child. I'm gonna do that on stream, I guess I won't. No, it's a kill to child. Seriously, fucking hold in. I'll do it. Don't do it. I don't do it. It is bad, it's gonna be bad for you. It's gonna be real bad for your god. I'm not doing it. But I might do it.

You know what, you're a lot, you're a fucking adult. Well, I feel like, okay, can't speak to the taste to dick, but I feel like old dicks taste the same. I feel like it's all pretty similar. Audience can't see my face, but yeah, depending on if there's, I would imagine circumcised penises taste one way, uncircumcised penises taste the other way, but I would imagine they're all pretty similar. Side stories, LPL, Gmail.com. How many dicks have you tasted? Honestly, I don't agree with Marcus. I think that every man's

dick is different. I believe that many, many dicks, very similar tastes, but the dryness, the tastes are varied. Of course. They're very, very, very, very, many. But why would, why would men be any different? They still got bush hair. Because it's just out. You know, a woman is in. Then there's a, it depends on diet. It depends on your attitude. It did. Yeah. I don't know what my ball smell like.

I know up to a point, but not right up in there. Yeah. You can, yeah, well, I mean, you can get a pretty good idea. You ever rub down there and then smell? Of course. Yeah. So you know what it smells like. Yeah, I don't like it.

Yeah. I mean, it's just like, I never tasted it. A B O E one. Oh, by the way, you degenerates writing it. We're talking about human dicks. Okay, don't fucking be like, oh, a goat's dick never tasted it. A B.O.E. went, oh, by the way, you degenerates writing it. We're talking about human dicks, okay? Don't fucking be like, oh, a goat's dick tastes like fucking. You did that jump. I'm just saying, I know what's out,

what's about to come around the court. Well, Ukrainian-borsched flavor. Yeah. Well, actually, muscles and white wine they have. Oh, that's nice. I bet you they took a lot of, they, God. Well, I'd like to see how the audience plays this out. Tell me, how many dicks have you tasted?

Yeah. I mean, dicks have you tasted and is there a variation amongst the different dicks that you have tasted? I mean, women's same thing. It's not like, middle eye, this is a bit of a lot, but you know, guys do have upkeep issues, especially through their 20s and into the third day. I think it continues.

I think men should be washing their dick and balls just pretty much often regularly. Technically, you should, that's, you know, it's back in the third. I think it continues. I think men should be washing their dick and balls. Right. Pretty much often regularly. Technically, you should, that's, you know, it's back in the day. I'm going to get letters on this. Be mostly should just really be washing your dick and balls, your butthole and your pits. Yeah. And then most of the time, especially, you know, depending on what you're going through, like you don't need a full body shower all the time. Right. Yeah. I guess. I mean, you know, I watch, well, now that I wash my butthole every day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But But I'm no, yeah, I'm not just watching that. Right. I'm not always at a YMCA. Right. Like on the run. You know, I'm just

already in there. We might as well just get the whole body. Yeah, if you're one of your taking a shower, I mean, I really should do it. Yeah. I sweat, I just sweat all day. So I have to watch every day. You know, any me also wash your legs. I remember those around somewhere. You guys got all upset with me because I was like, I wear more than like two pairs of pants a week. And you guys shamed me for it. Well, things have changed. Now we have money and now we actually can't wear them. Two pairs of pants a week. I used to have literally used to have one pair of jeans. Yeah. And I had one pair of khakis. That is what I had. And then I had show jeans,

like I had murder fish jeans. And then I had my every, and then I would then eventually I'd get like one nice jean, but also it was because I was, I was hovering between a 46 and a 48 where the only places I could shop was either Burlington Coat Factory or Daffy's. And the problem is that while I love Daffy's, I did happen to start to look like Cedric the entertainer. There was also big faturies make fun of you and Poryum, but that was the top one because they wouldn't just

go as soon as you're in there. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. They called me the wicked pineapple. I think around like 2008, I wore one pair of jeans from 2008 to 2010. Yeah. Every single day.

Yeah. And they disintegrated. I wore them until they disintegrated because they looked incredible. And I could, they were, they were apparently vised, I look fucking great in. But I used to wash up until they fucking disintegrated. I used to wash it, put it in the dryer and should I used to do all that stuff? I wash the jeans. You got to say, but you, it's funny now I used to do all that stuff. I wash the jeans. You wash your clothes very good. You wash your clothes.

But you know, it's funny now that you will, you're starting getting the stupid fancy jeans. They're all like, you should actually wait for about two years. Right. You should, you every time you need to wash it, you have to buy a dog and have the dog and make the jeans until they are clean.

Hey, man, that's how you keep it fresh. Time for some listener emails. It's time for these. Listen to your email. Well, let's start off with a story about a phantom limb. Your recent conversation about what happened to amputated limbs reminded me of this bit of family lore about my great grandfather, Bill. That has always freaked me out. It's me on bill.

He passed away in 2001 when I was around 20. For the last 40 or so years of his life, he wore a prosthetic beginning at the left knee. He had lost his leg when a piece of farm equipment he was preparing one day fell off the jack and landed on the leg. He always had a good sense of humor about it and love freaking people out with the old stab yourself in the leg gag. That's fun.

That's a great gag. There was one thing though, that he never talked about in regards to losing his leg. And this part, it's like a scary story to tell in the dark story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thankfully, his daughter, my grandmother, would talk about it. I had no idea how they handled Amputated Limbs nowadays, but in this case, they gave Bill the leg so it could be buried in his cemetery plot.

For a long while after the amputation, he would complain about his left foot itching. He went to several doctors about this, but none of them could help. planetary plot. For a long while after the amputation, he would complain about his left foot itching. He went to several doctors about this, but none of them could help. One day he was complaining about it when someone asked, well, did the barrier right? Bill initially laughed this off, but when the itch became too much and he was finally at his wits end, he called the cemetery and arranged for the leg to be dug up. Sure enough, his leg had been buried wrong with the foot facing the headstone. Oh, so it has to be facing like a leg? Mm hmm. They was facing the wrong way around. They re-barried it this time facing in the

correct direction away from the headstone. From that moment, the itch went away and never came back. That story was enough to give me another reason to fear having a limb amputated. If the hospitals are indeed just burning the limbs now, how would you ever stop the itch? That's just shit that freaks me out. That's fun. Phantom limb freaks me out.

Yeah. The idea that you're just gonna have this, like you're gonna have a pain and itch forever. We can't do anything about it. Anything about it. It was a vard people that do therapy with these sort of like they do envision the limb and they relax it.

But like you'd have to, I think you have to have a real tight drum of a mind. Yeah, do it. Absolutely, absolutely. Now we're at the series, there's a scary story. I heard the story second hand from a family friend who's also my assistant Boy Scout leader.

So the story is as I remember hearing it as a middle schooler. He's a hunter, and he has been for more than 40 years. In the late 80s, a friend invited him in on an elk hunting trip on a huge piece of property they owned in Wyoming. So it's early November in Wyoming, and it's bitterly cold. He's in hunting blinds long before daybreak, and spends the entire morning watching a large open field where Elk have been known to congregate. After several hours in the gray light of dawn, he catches some movement at the edge of the

clearing in the corner of his eye. He turns to look, but sees nothing. Instead, he hears a sudden voice shatter the stillness around him. Hey! What the hell is that? It's a woman, the voice. Hey! What the hell is that?

And he can clearly make out her words. Was it another hunter? This friend invited someone else to hunt on their land this morning, but no hunter would speak that loudly and rescuing away game. Maybe it was a hiker or a camper who got lost? He said what they'll leave his hunting blind to find the source of the voice when movement at the edge of the clearing catches his eye again, and suddenly a huge elk strides from the woods into the field.

He cites the elk with his rifle, it doesn't pull the trigger, something feels wrong. The elk isn't going anywhere doing anything. It just walks ten yards or so out in the woods and just stands there. Almost as if it wants to be seen. Thank you. And that's it wants to be seen. Thank you. And that's when he realizes something else. The entire forest has gone dead silent. No birds, no wind, nothing.

Suddenly a distant gunshot rings out, breaking the eerie silence. He watches and disbelief as the elk suddenly stands up on its back two legs and sprints back into the forest. Suddenly looking nothing at all like an elk. The sight of the things gangly, hunched posture legs and sprints back into the forest, suddenly looking nothing at all like an elf. The sight of the things gangly, hunched posture sends every nerve in his body on high alert, and he fights back the urge to scream. He says he stays in the blind for another hour, desperately hoping that what it was wasn't

waiting out there for him. Finally he notices that the typical forest noises around him have returned, he makes a break for it, running nearly a mile through the dense woods without stopping. And though they planned to hunt until the early afternoon, it's barely beyond dawn when he arrives back at the truck. He's expecting a long wait for his friend, but a surprise he finds his friend is already there with the truck running and waiting. Without a word, he jumps into the cab and they take off her home. Later that day, he discovers that the gunshot from earlier had been his friend. When the woods had gone completely silent, his friend began to worry and fired a shot in

the air. A friend of the family was of the Crow tribe and warned him that when the force went silent, something terrible and ancient was roaming around. I'm not sure if he actually used the term skinwalk. But he described an ancient monster that could imitate the shape of animals if imperfectly. He also said that this monster was capable of stealing the voice of its victims, often repeating their last words over and over, an attempt to lure out unsuspecting people.

As sound out, can you read it again? God, God, to be your fucking fair parents, man. Be your mother and father, looking down on you, just like, especially when you first came out, just being like, oh no. Wow, that was great. You know, I like it. That's a great story.

That's a great, that's a great, remember ghost thing? Our Elke, the ghost Elke? Absolutely, love Elke, the ghost. Yeah, who's Elke, the ghost? There's a bit that never really made it anywhere. Yeah, we did our lives. We did our lives.

We tried a lot of things to people. We really couldn't even know that. Yeah, they were like not into it. That was one under thumb. We did it because it was a pirate ship sketch and then you played Elkie. And you were going, you had Elie with like antlers on and you would like you move your arms like so. Oof, so two of you

wrote and rehearsed and presumably performed a sketch in our college about the art area like you like black box. Uh-huh. In which there was a bunch of pirates and there was a ghost ghost. There was a ghost on the pirate ship who was an elk. Yes, yes, the name Elke the ghost named Elke the ghost and he acted like an elk. Yes, yeah. And the two Elkie the ghost and he acted like an L. Yes, yeah, two of you Believe that this was worth and that's still not the idea that Henry pitched that we worked on that the executive one point all to

That's the best unsellable idea. I never heard of it Well, I remember when I had the meeting with Disney and they were interested in my character that was the world's most molestable boy And then they said afterwards, you're like, we just got to lose the molestable pass And you're like, no way! So it's the world's most boy? Just a funny voice! You remember that? No, don't molest me!

No, don't you molest me! Oh, man, yeah, back in the day, kind of. I mean, Toy Story meets Dahmer, do it you might last me. Oh, man. Back in the day, kind of, Toy Story meets Dahmer, do it that whatever you will. I love it. I love Toy Story meets Dahmer. That idea was fine. Oh, my age, it was not that guy.

Into it. It didn't like the talk. It was not into it. It didn't like it. No, it didn't like it. Hey, man, you know what, K-Faults, this were being creative. Yeah, that's a great idea.

And you know what, I think we successfully brought side stories down. I think we did. I mean, we're going to thank you Holden for doing this today. Thanks for bringing it down a page. I want to apologize, you know, for doing it. Yeah, you know what? It's all right. Don't worry.

We'll get emails. And we're just having a lot of fun. I want to go to beeps.com slash LPLTL. So we are doing beach blanket bingo live in San Diego, but we know that not a lot of people necessarily in San Diego want to see the show. So buy it all along. What's the offer free uncut?

Yeah, uncircumcized. Yeah. We go watch it beach blanket bingo October 20th, San Diego Bobo with theater. We still got some tickets left. Come check it out. You guys see his fucking ass? He's his ass.

I don't know what we're doing. Oh yeah, we gotta, we just dissatted on our no dogs in space, the bit we're gonna do, we're gonna do a band that's not Los Angeles, not San Diego, but right in the middle. Nice. Between the two. Oh, between the two, I thought you just meant vibes.

No, no, no, they're not from San Diego, they're not from Los Angeles, but they're from place, right in the middle. This is sublime? No. Smash mouth. Sublime! We have actually, we gave serious consideration

to doing a series on sublime. We did that, we have, we have actually thought about it. We definitely, we definitely thought about it. Yeah, no, it's not cool at all. No, it's very sad, it's very, very sad. Yeah, not a cool band or artist, it's a veteran, anyway, whatsoever. I find it interesting. It is very, very sad. So yeah, not a cool band or artist, as a veteran, anyway, whatsoever.

I find it interesting. It is interesting, but cool. No. So email site stories LPL at chemo.com. We want your scary stories for a listener pasta episode. We're going to do it. We're going to get super creepy in here, really, really excited. But I've asked for, you know, our guys

to go through email. They basically have said like please less than 10 pages just because it's a lot of material I would say even let let's keep it less than three pages you just because you want to read it on the air keep it short and tight I actually want to hear some real stories that we can get it sure like something that maybe happens to you just try to just lie to me I Yeah, just, yeah, but let's keep it shit. Think about how long the stories are on when we do our creepypasta episode. And, you know, I'm trying to tailor it to that.

Get it in that little lump, all right? Yeah. Check this out. So live every day. Uh, no one that you're going into the worst picture your life, right? And you just got to love the fact that sometimes, it's a lot of idea. Sometimes an idea is so good. It doesn't deserve to be on

television. Yeah. All right. And then because then you guess what? You know what? Because then you got that idea of rent-freeing your fucking head. It's living there. I don't need to worry about what they're gonna do it. I can laugh at my own idea in my head without them all getting all fucking involved. Yeah, the movies in your mind. It's the movies in your mind. Listen to Wizard and the Brewster in page seven. Yeah, sure. Listen to him and the Brewster in Page 7. Yeah sure.

Listen to him. Yeah good plug. You're welcome. This whole thing was a plug. Yeah. Indeed. And I don't know if you're gonna get a single listener from this. People love this sound of my voice.

I'll say to them. Elgi. See you. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com. you