Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Hangry

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime stores: a man exposes himself to a horse, girl bites dog, VeggieTales erotica, and MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories Man, I'm about to go on vacation brah. I know what you're up to buddy. I know that I think I'll become different after vacation Well, hopefully you can relax a little bit, you know, not be such a little tyrant. Yeah, that might work Well, not after vacation perhaps that's the whole point of vacation Well, I just sleep with fucking one eye open in this life. Uh-huh. Yeah, you do coming. You know who's coming I don't know about all that. I always say sleep with both eyes closed That's the only way to get to the REM sleep, which is quite key to having a good night's rest So you're having a good episode so far. Oh, absolutely nail it. Hey, what's up everyone? This is side stories

I am Ben kissle with the newly refreshed I mean, you know just the man who knows how to relax more than anybody else He is a real Rodney Dangerfield of relaxation Henry Zabrowski. Love to relax. I know you do relax You know, it's just like what do we do for a living? It's we have we have fun, right? We yuck it up. Yeah, we yuck it up That's what we do. Yeah, but when you're yucking it up, the thing is is that you want to make sure that you're gonna get the Rest of your life has to be just as yuck filled as your job Sure Sometimes the balance gets off because you spend so many times making yucks for other people that you're not

Spending enough time making yuck for yourself. That's right. Make yucks for yourself If you're a listener out there and you haven't had a yuck in a while Please first of all never say the word yuck as much as we're currently saying it I hate the term I it reminds me of all the comedy clubs that rejected me when I was coming up in this Wonderful institution of the entertainment industry. Oh, yeah, I was rejected from the yuck yuck hut from a place called Snickers There's also a place called grins. I don't know why comedy clubs choose to be so ominous with their names But indeed they are places where hellacious things happen. The concept of a a restaurant or a bar called

grins Is very scary to me because I just think of a bunch of like People who have died of like a wasting disease and the skin has pulled back from their teeth to reveal these like just horrible Permanent grimaces on their skull meat. Welcome to grins today on the menu. We have Poutine and Yeah, and I hope you like soup in a cup. It's all we have All our food is designed to give you diarrhea

Honestly comedy clubs are named the worst names in the entertainment industry. Anyway, all right, so we have a bunch of fun Ish stories to get to some are some are worse than others But I think we have to do first we have to talk about one of the worst terror attacks in the history of the world Of course, we covered them in our series on um, Shonrique. Oh, they're back in the news a little bit Well, it's not one of the worst attacks in the world because there's been obviously ones that have a higher body Pound they've obviously there are ones with higher body counts. There are there are but what they try to do It was more of what their idea was was really fucked up in comparison to what they actually did Well, absolutely. They made it one one hell of a horrible subway ride for a lot of people and they

Destabilized the folks of Tokyo and they the people of Tokyo said can we trust the system? Can we trust the government if these people are allowed to pull off the seren attack that they were able to pull off? So a Tokyo court on Wednesday ordered now. Henry. What is the name of this person a left? It's a lph Is it a left? I believe it is a left. Yes a left now She is the main successor of the um Shinrikyo doomsday cult now She because of that she has been ordered to pay 1 billion yen in damages to the victims of the Tokyo subway Seren attack that shook the country of course that was in March of 1995 my question is this Does she have a million yet? What is that? That's almost 9 million dollars

Does she have like is the um Shinrikyo piggy bank really that runneth over with with yen? I mean absolutely not No, but where would they even get money if they tried who who's buying like a pin? What do you do start a podcast? What do you do when that happens in real life? Like if you get like a civil Judgment where you're supposed to spend a certain amount of money and you don't have this money Can you just go to a judge be like I do not have this money? I mean maybe if you're in my cousin Vinny you can do it like that and perhaps the judge will sympathize with your Small-minded ways and just realize you're a local yoko who is getting raked over the coals when it comes to this woman

I guess you just garnish her wages and tell the nine million dollars of one billion yen or paid off Also, why did she want to be the success like did she volunteer for this position because Once once the head is dead Why even be the successor for um Shinrikyo? They are patiently waiting for the next wave They are very determined They are they are they believe that they are the next wave of humankind which I get they stick into their guns I was actually wondering if they you can even file for bankruptcy in Japan. I Mean if you're a group, but I don't think that they are a group. I think it would just go on a laugh

I didn't realize so Um, so obviously the the terror attack again. It killed 29 folks injured 6,000 and of course that result resulted in the indictment of a hundred and ninety two people and that could have been worse if They didn't mess up the one bomb that they wanted to have go off as well So I mean I guess we got kind of lucky that it was only as horrible as it is So you think there's people that still believe in the um Shinrikyo ideas I never I thought that this cult kind of died with the hanging. No, dude. No, they are well

They are alive and well. There's still sex all over. It's kind of like what happened with the uh, what's but order the solar temple and the heavens gate they still have these little kind of Satellite groups. It's like seeds where they one day that they if the fever can catch on again They they kind of told the line and they they keep it alive apparently so the cultists of this group They renamed themselves a laugh in 2000 and then in July of that year the group apologized like thank you for the apology I guess to the victims and agreed to pay

900 million yen To them by 2005 through an administrator as the group had had declared to answer that question had declared Bankruptcy since then a left paid a certain amount to the victims Supporters but withheld the payment of the demanded amount claiming it had no assets to repay the debt So I mean you don't have any assets They don't have anything and you can't you can't pay for things that'll open a dream right kissle You can't just pay just because you oh, I wish I could pay it if I could I would but it doesn't really work like that No, absolutely not. So this judge judge Tanaka ordered a left to pay the 1.2 billion

Yen plus interest taking into account the amount the amount returned over the 19 years at the news conference held after the Tokyo court ruling on Wednesday attorneys representing the victims in the lawsuit said that they were content with the court's decision saying the judge Apparently recognized the plaintiffs claims the compensation money will be paid to 517 victims and surviving family members But if I'm these victims, I guess I'm not holding my breath Yeah, I feel like you're just gonna you just kind of I don't know you got your sorry So the only thing that matters is that you got someone to say I'm sorry to you and then yet that's all that you know I guess that's good enough. I mean, can you really apologize like I mean could the terrorists on 9-11 Could they just come back and be like sorry and sorry is it like a like a Canadian sorry where you know, they're not sorry

But they're just saying sorry We just kind of oh Oh, we had a lot of growing up to do and now that we've taken the time to really sit and do the reading Oh, we now know it was wrong to bring down those towers. Yes, and wrong to kill 29 people That are commuting from work and I agree with them. It is wrong. It is again. Thank you for the apology I say let him go Okay, let him go let him go back from the street because who knows what a left will do now that she they once you give her like a Good, you know, like she could pick her up by her bootstraps

She could start like her own version of goop Are you gonna put jade eggs up your pussy? It's all just new ways to create nerve gas that just actually give you the nerve to stick to that diet Wow See now that would be a positive attack. Why not everyone has a positive attack positive attack See that's a funny idea. That's a sketch right there someone to send that to Saturday night live Mmm, because they are just on fire right now I know I saw Michael Shay our good friend roundtabler of the year multiple times in a row He was able to wrestle at WrestleMania in with Colin Joest, but Michael of course is our friend and

They were pretty good. They were pretty good It was it was compelling stuff and we'll talk about wrestling a little bit later on here in this episode as well Chae is K is the only good thing about that show and I'm very happy for him. Oh, yeah, very happy I'm very happy. All right. I want to talk about this story of a man You know people say horse girls, right? The girls love horses. Oh, yeah, people love horses their beauty their majesty People love to eat horse. Even though it's not very tasty. I don't really enjoy it No, I don't think you net you never eat Henry. Can you just make a commitment right now to all of the horse? People that listen the ones who like to ride the horses pet the horses and say thank you for being my friend horse

That you're never gonna eat horse me to get I cannot in good faith make that promise. God. What do you don't even like it? I don't I know but I also when you're in up when you're at like let's say we go to someplace We're gonna be in a lot of places this year We're gonna be in Australia. We're gonna be in the UK or we only spots if someone's gonna eventually be like ace Oh, I got some fresh horse for you, right? They tell you and they present you be like, hey, no, it's horse cereal Horses like they do and you're in their home if you're in there hot Yeah, yeah, or if you're in their play blow, right, right you got to take it or else you're rude No, that is true once presented with food as every Italian person will tell you if you don't at least have a bite

You're completely screwed. It's what screwed over to caucus, but I've already told that story and several times Yes, several times. It's a story. I know so I tell it over and over Haunted by do caucus. Oh, yeah, but how old were you when do caucus was even running? I was seven my parents kept on calling him do do kaka, which is probably why Donald Trump was able to to win this whole thing Kaka sitting in the tank over there. I know he's lying. He's the closest thing. He's ever been to is a tank of a Car that'll take him to the gay bar. Yeah, that's basically the the rush limbaugh criticism of do caucus at the time All right, but this is a story man with history of pleasuring himself near horses strikes twice

24 hours the Batman villain that got cut out of Batman 4 is Alive and well in reality a man with a long history of performing sex acts near horses has done it again Oh for the second time in 24 hours Malcolm Downs 61 has a long long history quote quote unquote of Pleasuring himself near horses and was last before the court courts in 2016 when he was jailed for what a judge called his Totally disgusting behavior. Uh-huh Downs. He has been cracked. He said he was Planning a doctor's visit to seek libido suppressing drugs. He wanted to go Oh, he really he wanted to go so he was seen in a field

Jerking off and that town of Brent's home in a hole. I think this is in the UK. Yes, it is All right, so they saw him Without a field he does look like a ghastly horse horny Scarecrow with hair patches of hair just glued to the top of his head He looks like a character that Toby Hooper might cast in the 1970s or 1980s to just hang outside of a rest area And just to make the mood creepy just one of those characters that doesn't have any other role like Friday the 13th Where it's like, oh that town's got a death curse. That's the only role. Don't leave me. You got able taxi No, you gave by horse

Oh, look at the others are that big sexy beast But no, I think you just described a cow. I think don't horses have udders. No, they don't have udders They don't they don't milk a horse Horses have milk that they feed to their children. Yeah, but I don't the calves But I don't think horses have udders do horses. Oh my goodness udders looking it up Look it up. See what fortunately problems with the horse's mammary glands are fairly uncommon Our mayor who has never been pregnant usually has a very small udder Which is barely visible except for just two teeth. All right, there you go. So not like you can jerk off to that

I guess this guy did so he was in the field And a member of the public was 200 yards away and originally thought that Downs was just urinating Mm-hmm prosecutor Neil coxson told the whole crown court. It soon became clear. He was in fact masturbating This activity went on for three or four minutes His penis was exposed for about ten minutes the matter was reported the police and he was arrested now Downs While he was interviewed He said I was sitting on a bench. I was feeling sexy. So I started to All right, and he mimicked the birdie the hand motion of jerking off

Mr. Cox had said I asked if he realized if this was an offense. Did you realize that this is a crime? I'm Malcolm Malcolm Downs said yes I guess it would have been better if he was just urinating and perhaps, you know not a long night of drinking I don't know. Well, this is the interesting thing here. So he was not actually touching the horses He says he felt sexy. How do we know that the horses were what was making him feel so sexy? Because he said several times that I like jerking off at horses Downs said he knew that he would when he was doing was wrong But 8 8 and dough to draw attention to himself. He was sorry, which is like yeah, of course He didn't do it. He would draw attention to himself. Oh, no, he was trying to draw attention to his penis to the horses

Yes, but the officer basically Downs was charged released on bail and so he left but 24 hours later He was seen by an off-duty female in the same of an off-duty female police officer Doing the same shit in the same field I don't know that was driving along the road towards home bargains When her tension was drawn to the defendant at the end of an emergency access road And he had his penis in his hand and was masturbating. Yeah, so Downs was arrested again the same day He was candid and he's straightforward. He's a straight shooter. We're doing this great. Yes He did confirm he thought he had a problem. That's why he did this in particular in public

He said he got a thrill even though he knew it was wrong and he accepted if children had been in the area and seen what He was doing that would have frightened them He accepted he had a problem and he required help. Absolutely. Well, that's that's the first step to getting yourself Weaned off of publicly masturbating around horses. I've said it before and I'll say it again How else can that happen without taking the first step to recovery by saying yes? I understand it's not right I understand children could have been president and Present and dare I say I'm going to cut back to just twice a week and see what I'm doing here I've got my roost. See you all got my worst day. I'm gonna give it a bit of a

Be the slap there. Oh That is all I need to know how bad it is to do my lovely act Well, I'll lovely lovely act Beautiful mayors in the field and the best porous. You can't get him pregnant. Well, I think you're Mr. Downs, I think you're regressing a little bit with your treatment. You're still calling it a wonderful act a lovely act That's not what it is. It's love isn't it? No sex just love So what can I go up to the main show how much I love it? Well, give it a bit of a tug a bit of a crumb. Well, you can give it some food. Maybe you ride it and I'm not gay

Okay. Well, very all right. I might sex with it. That's how I show I love it So this is now Downs He has a long long history of this. Yeah, evidently He has been arrested 35 times 12 times for masturbating near horses and nine times for violating a restraining order that banned him from quote from entering any field or stable or any other area that contains Equine what an aquarium equinin? What do you call equine equinine equinine? I don't know horses aquarium Equinine equinine

It's a horse. He can't go to places that have horses in the Humber side police area Well good for him though. I guess I guess now he'll really change and I'm really proud of him. I hope so. I hope so I Think it was being sarcastic. I think that this will always be a problem for him. I think the term it would be a do-over On his life. Well something something froze back of the day. I'll never understand these things I didn't understand fucking horses or dogs or cats or I don't care how horny you got a bee How will horny do you have to be to strangle an animal enough position in order to fuck it? I don't know. I don't know. There's that documentary zoo Which I don't know. I guess if you want to ruin a date or full weekend

The way they talk about having sex with animals is so bizarre. It is a real thing and there's no They talk about the love of them. Yes, exactly their body and how much you love them and she's being like I love Wendy Well, I'm a fucking her. No. No, definitely not. I'm not fucking her Oh, well the way that you say it does make me I'm not fucking her Well, I don't know and I will not stand for these accusations. Well, no one even made any of those Fuck this dog no matter how much money anybody pays me. Okay. No one said that you wouldn't care What's this audition requires? Oh, right? Well unless John Waters is doing another pink flamingo's. I think you'll be okay It's okay. If it's not mine, right? I don't think it's ever. Okay, mr. Towns

No, and I don't think you have enough money to own a horse. So Hey, you're a big lad. Yeah, you're a long boy. You want to jerk off to me? Well, I'm gonna put this horse head mask on first. Honestly if that that is much more legal than what you're currently doing So again little baby steps put a horse head on a friend of yours. How much money would it take honestly? Like straight up real job offer billionaire shows up Hey, will you stand in a field on all fours with this horse costume on and I'm just gonna jerk off at you How much money 10 million bucks hundred million bucks? I'm gonna go a hundred million just to shoot I and then he's gonna negotiate me down to 50

That's how much money Well, I want a lot of money So hopefully if you really really want it and if he's a true billionaire and everything's fine What if he's got a bill? What if he's got a budget of five million? Well, you know, we'll have to talk We'll have to negotiate see if I can't get any Maybe maybe I can get some stock or something like that in Apple because I'm assuming you're talking about Bill Gates I know Bill Gates trying to give his money to charity. He's not gonna waste it. I'm talking about somebody like I mean like Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, well, you never know

He's gotta get it out of his system somewhere. You remember when he was a drug addict I remember when he was having all the fun in the world, but then he got sad and had to get clean That happens a lot. That's the story arc of many drug addicts And of course Tim Cook is the man in charge of Apple Microsoft is Bill Gates just so I just to clear that up because I know a lot of people would say Technically Tim Cook is the head of Apple and if you think about how interesting that is you can remember it by saying Oh, what do apples do if you put them in an oven they cook So then you can remember that I don't honestly does not make any sense. It doesn't all right

Well speaking of food here we go now this guy should probably eat a couple more apples am I right Henry? Oh, sure. I actually I feel like maybe he could just he could cut back on some of the calories But you know, I guess everybody everybody is beautiful. Everybody is beautiful in its own, right? That is absolutely true This man, it's not his body that got him in trouble It's more of the actions that he did with that body a man who abused a virgin airline staff Deemed too fat for jail. This is a deeper man. No, this is not deeper deeper man This is it. This is a different guy. Evidently. This is an epidemic on airlines where people are just very large and obnoxious I don't know. This guy is also a ghost pulling a doocarconan

That's what I would say music if you are if you are fat enough to be a terrorist But just your actions you are a doocarconan. So this man. He's not just obnoxious He's also a ghost hunter and so what he did to virgin airlines It's kind of Cartman ask or Bart Simpson ask all you would do is make phone calls to virgin airline workers Then abused and that abused demeaned and threatened them over the phone He was deemed too fat for jail paranormal investigator. His name is Cade Jones told the Brisbane district court He was in too much pain to stand in court to plead guilty to two counts of using a carriage service to harass The court is the court heard he abused and threatened staff at the airline in June of 2017

Leaving them feeling quote scared belittled upset and degraded. No, what would he what would he do? So he'd call and he's oh, that's what he says you were Jones refused to identify himself on the calls Proceeded to threaten staff with legal action made racial slurs Mm-hmm used to believe he was talking to someone based in Brisbane Yeah, which I don't even understand why he would be so upset the person's like I am I am in Brisbane Uh, no, you're not I know for a fact. You're not. Oh, if you fuck you know, I know you don't know I'm trying to do a Australian but very very large

You better have a muffin Me because my belly's big it in your whole body. You can tell me I'll consider the plane Well, it does sound like a little bit of a little a little large in the throat there I think that worked out well. I'll tell you what though. He looks cool with the sunglasses He does he wears the sunglasses at night probably because he has a hard time I don't even know. I think it's there. They have to be prescription Yeah, Jones had already been placed on a watch list with the airline Which was which banned him from flying with them in 2010 after he made the phone calls

Jones has been convicted of similar offenses on three other occasions dating back to 1998 So he was sentenced to 12 months in prison, but then ordered he be released on $2,000 for good behavior and Basically, he's on parole for five years Basically, he's on parole for five years judge Laurie said if he harassed people over the phone again He would be sent behind bars Regardless of his weight. So this guy actually did everything right. It's not that I'm not the harassing phone calls But when it comes to being too fat to jail, I didn't think that that was possible

Um, but evidently he found a way to to get a get out of jail He got a free get out of jail card. Of course, you'll probably die of a massive heart attack at any point here Yeah, probably. Yeah, absolutely. But the thing is is that he yeah, he beat the system. Yeah, he's the genius We're the idiots. Yeah, it's true. He gave the system He's out of jail now get to do whatever the hell it is you want to do honestly Prism might almost been good for him because maybe the the lack of the getting to your favorite foods or whatever could help you lose Some of the weight, but it's not really it. It's about like, you know, gotta change your whole lifestyle You gotta add some exercise in there

But of course with prison as we know with all the great prison documentaries like lock-up and lock-up raw What do they like to eat? They like the ringdings. They got their Snickers bars The whole canteen prison canteen is just Doritos and Twix and everything that a child could want. It's comfort food It's comfort foods honey buns. So I think he may have just ended up growing to this size of his cell um Almost like almost like juggernaut in the most in the most recent deadpool too Just becoming massive in there and really maybe he would have had fun. I don't know. It's a good way It's a good defense

Because you just get bigger and bigger and bigger I mean, it's definitely not an incentive for him to lose weight because what if he does lose weight if he does I wonder if they're gonna be like, oh now you fit So I'm sorry you're going to prison as opposed to having probation for five years This guy is going to be on my six hundred pound life at some point. I will say with what the way his life is It's easy to keep an eye on him. Yeah, but he's got a way wherever the chair is going That's it. He's got to wait until after the promotion or over see you can find me I'll walk to see what I'm gonna do about what I'll do because now I'm free and then they just put the brakes on the wheelchair

It's like oh He's having fun. No, I can't go home anyway I just have to sit here and look at the four ghosts. It's all the mornies We'll be round looking in the closet for ghosts. There's nothing like falling in here by empty pizza boxes Well, this is the same. This is a sad time for me. Actually, I thought I'd be celebrating Well, I mean no, you're not celebrating you have to stay fat or otherwise you're gonna go back to jail And I mean, what is this when you're when you're a ghost hunter? You don't have to be the most agile

But you know, you sometimes you got to sneak into into hard places abandoned hospitals You gotta be agile a little agile. I don't see how this guy could have even found any ghosts whatsoever He doesn't seem like a very active person This guy to find the ghost. Hey, we go if you'll be even he's a maximum plays him I'll feel some actual plays him coming in. Oh, oh, it came dribbling out. Oh I was just chicken off Yeah, I think that was well, I thought maybe it might be a little sorry to everyone I'm sorry about this. It's a cheap. It's a cheap way to make a joke. It's a cheap way to get a ghost

And it's also another crime that you have just committed in all Sumbling everything. Hey, no, no This man looks he the picture of him is intense. He is a serious dude He wears all black because black is very thin or slimming and So he looks he looks good. He looks the sheer just mass that he has on from his temples Yeah, he has meat on his temples that are that is so thick. It actually makes his normal sunglasses wraparound Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I love it big old boys And of course if this was the case in the United States

Our prison system would see probably a 20% reduction of inmates because we're a big people here We are a big people by the way, you can get the Ben Kitzel truth shirts now They're in 4x and 3x because we had some complaints and I did not realize that they were just in 2x So you can get your shirts get your shirts get your shirts, but I don't think that this would Really work out here in the States if people were deemed too fat to imprison because there are some big ones out there No, and you know, it's the ultimate game again. It's Homer Simpson I want to do this story. We're going down to Brazil. Oh a Young girl 18 year old girl. She she has been labeled a cannibal for eating her five-year-old brother's penis

After torturing him to death and severing his head in a black magic ritual, which is know my magical reading not a ritual Oh my goodness. What that this is not what Brazil is known for it's known for for a big old butts And then oh yeah, I'm some beaches. Oh, and oh, we've ever had a really nice a Brazilian barbecue Have we done that with you? Oh, yeah, no, I don't think we've done it together, but I've had it and it is Mm-hmm. Yeah, I have the little chicken hearts I love chicken hearts right a little like the little thin little rape here with chicken hearts on it And it kind of now that I think about it. It could be a bunch of little boys penises I don't know. I mean either way. I don't mean well

Obviously, it's worse if it would be the the ladder, but I don't think you need to be eating skewers full of chicken hearts Have you had it if you had it? No, I know that's the giblets When you get the turkey home and they got all the giblets in the bag. I'm not a giblet guy. No, you're just a weird. You're a strange man One man's trash is another man's treasure. It's a chicken heart a teenage girl in Brazil has Allegedly confessed to torturing her five-year-old brother to death before eating his severed penis Oh, these are investigating the possibility That the crime was linked to black magic ritual because the body was found on the floor surrounded by several candles I think she was using the candles for visibility. I don't know now. Her name is Katrina Roke

Mousy on Roke's heavily mutilated body was found by his mother on Thursday night after a relative broke into the family's house in Sao Roke Southeast Brazil to find an 18-year-old Karina standing beside the child's remains Did I say the victim's corpse was found with grotesque injuries head was partially decapitated There were knife wounds to the wrist both eyeballs had been pierced she had been burned and the sister claims She had caught off her brothers genitals and eaten a well You know the police yes, at least she got right to the big part of the story You know at least she didn't just be like oh, yeah

We got into some arguments at least she just jumped right to like all of its heinous and then like what puts it over the edge Just he let us know he was watching nothing, but minecraft videos and I wanted to watch my makeup tutorial So I cut his penis off now according to police the mother just went shopping leaving her son in the care of her daughter When she returned she discovered the front door locked apparently the accused Refused let the mother in the house the death's room was only able to gain access after the door was kicked down The horrific scene was so Macau that the mother who police have that name had to be Supported by neighbors as she passed out from the shock which I can fucking imagine. Oh, yeah I mean how long bolted out of the house. How long was she shopping for how?

Okay, doesn't that if you're the mom of this now I'm not blaming her whatsoever, but it's like you got to kind of know this 18-year-old girl Maybe shouldn't be trusting with the kids I mean is this just the first thing that someone does wrong or is this just a lead-up from a series of other horrible things? I don't know this is like from what I have read it seemed to be this was a this is a surprise It seems like a bit of a surprise Surprise family members reportedly told police that the teen had never really given in any problems before She was quite and reserved and always taken care of her brother

And then she finally really took care of her brother I this is cool because this doesn't begin charge with murder and the attempted murder of her fucking uncle Oh, because she was trying to get out of the house and she fucking freaked out and stabbed her uncle. Oh my goodness All right, I mean she was just either powered by that the power of the devil which from my Information mostly that means you make some killer fucking heavy metal music Sure, you end up in an hours long reddit debate with somebody about the First Amendment Those are the two types of Satanists It's like you're either a fun Satanist or you're a long-winded political Satanist

I like the First Amendment cases. Those are very funny to me It is I love that so yeah as Henry mentioned she she injured her uncle But this is according to detective Anderson Gomez the uncle was hit and injured by a stone and then This next bit of detail is then she bit the family dog Oh, yeah, well, she was being restrained by real is she bit the What is like a tiny girl too? She's like a little like they like a little girl, you know, she's like a little sprite I don't know. I mean again

They they did some tests to she to see if she was under the influence of drugs I don't they don't say if I was or no No, it does not it is not real. It just sounds like I'm this to me is a high on life scenario Oh, I don't know if this is drugs because a lot of times you remember that year Wait, we there was we covered this many years ago But the guy that the the famous case Dude eating the other homeless dudes face the money zombie. Yeah, they're blaming bath salts and doing all that shit But all the his blood tests came back clear. Yep. There's a sober. He was totally sober. That is 100% true

These are things sober people decide to do Travis look at you. I know I mean star He's looking at your penis because think about it. No, he's not always or five bites At least it get Because you have to pull and tug you gotta tug and tug and tug and get a little sections of it at a time Because you're not getting that all like I'm not saying you're it's not about you having a huge penis But a penis hard to fucking rip off. All right. Well, that's Henry Zabrowski Impersonated a demonic pug for some reason. Yeah, I don't know. That's Travis chew it on your penis All right. Well, I mean like definitely a raise. Give me a raise Satan says you need to give me a raise

He's chewing your penis and you're like give us here's something else. Yes, indeed I'm sure Travis loves the being involved in your tails. I'm certain he does I'm certain of it. All right, so this woman she's gonna go away for a long time I don't think she's gonna be on the streets of Brazil anytime soon. I don't know how the prison systems are in Brazil I'm assuming no matter. I don't think there is a prison system that would not Sentence this woman to time norway in norway. No, even in Norway No, dude, you remember with the Varg Varg Vickernes for that horrible that very brutal murder of Euronymous he only went to jail for 20 years. That's the most that's the maximum you could go

I could chew my brother's penis off. I could steal a car I could bet against myself in a professional baseball game, right? And then I'd still just get 20 years. Yeah, and of course the the last thing is what Pete Rose did But he bet on his team to win so put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame This is a revisionist history thing you keep going for me I actually am with you because I feel like if you explain to your teammates my money's on the line here exactly to win Exactly. Yeah, absolutely. They will. I mean initially. I was like, why don't they like Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame? And they're like he bet on the game and then I was like, oh, maybe he bet against his team

Then I found out he bet on his team and I'm like more incentive to win Did you do the same thing Jordan was a rabid gambler who without a doubt bet on his team But you did you think he be must have bet on the bulls multiple times I'm sure way he didn't because he was very very proud Yes, and again, he needs every incentive possible to turn on that sociopathic switch He was able to turn on that led to him being the greatest basketball player of all time and as a Nick's fan I vomit just saying that in my mouth But that just is the reality of the world that we live in I will say you know

What is almost a relief of this nature of this type of crime when something is so horrific? Like you never really want to come home and find out that your daughter bit the penis off of your son Oh, of course Pierce's eyes, and he's like you don't want that. No, no one wants that you don't but what's nice This is almost a relief of being like. Oh, I could just hit her in the head with a golf club and fucking kill Look, she's a monster and so it eliminates all the gray areas of like what do I do about this? How do how can I forgive her where if you're eating somebody's fucking penis off? You're like You're just out of their realm of right. Let's sit and talk about what you've done. No, I mean Oh, yeah, this is not it

This is not a made-for-tv movie where the girl was found to be drinking and driving or something like that No, this is this is bad. I gotta say when you Me and your father sat and had a long conversation about this and we feel that you just you did beat you did consume Jeffrey's penis, but We're gonna let you go to prom Really that the afternoon we've spent you've spent in this room here has taught you enough of a lesson. Yeah reflecting, huh? Yeah, and meanwhile, she's there just a car chew it on a summer sausage. Yeah, who's taking her to prom? That's what I want to know be careful out there. I read stories about that

You remember that there was the artist that he I believe he cut off his own penis. Yes We talked about that served and we've talked about this before yeah, but apparently the penis meat is Is like very very bad calamari where it is very very chewy But I also wonder if that's when that's when it's cooked So because calamari if you overcook it it gets really really chewy But then I wonder if the penis is fresh if it's just like sashimi Like I wonder if it's like what that texture would be right and again This is all being recorded and these are outside thoughts that you're expressing and these are questions that are valid

But perhaps not necessarily Needed we have stretched on this conversation about genital immunolation for very long time and I give you credit for that We have to generate content All right, well speaking of well, I guess not really but this person this next person is also totally crazy Not as crazy as the chick that Henry pontificated about for a good 20 minutes But this is good. Let's go to Australia in Australia man blew up a couple's car who beeped at his girlfriend in a McDonald's Drive-thru so an Australian couple found themselves the target of death threats and a car bomb After they beeped at another vehicle in the drive-thru this is they were picking up some food at the old Mickey D's in

Walin Gong. I love the names of all it's wall in gong We're gonna see a lot of these places. We got invited to go to the Where what was the town we discussed last week that with the wooden bong and a wooden bong was a cult? Oh, yeah, it's just one bug. We got invited to wooden bong and apparently the they say like hopefully they built that wooden bong there Because if not, there's fucking nothing else really well the wooden bong would certainly be a treat for tourists and And residents alike so they were in wall in bong at the McDonald's there, you know, they do have a different McDonald's They have stranger. What's what are some of the different hamburgers that they have at McDonald's in Australia? Because we should try that. I know they do. It's called like horny jacks. No, I don't place called

Begoo. No, I'm talking about McDonald's McDonald's is a different menu for the Australians. Well, yeah, they could have beer Though a lot of times they do that in other countries because they're more advanced than we are. I believe it's called Maccas. Oh It's interesting boogadoons I think it's called great gripes. Yeah, I'm so the rights Well, I'm good good. I'll remember it then either way There were some gripes here a woman allegedly veered dangerously close to the unnamed couples ute or ute when they went When they honked their horn, she became angry and confronted them in the drive-thru the couple drove away and was like, alright Nothing really happened a pretty typical little beepin. Nothing happened. Sure this person

This is what's so crazy about this story Just stewed and stewed for weeks She went home and told her partner and even complained to the wall agong police about the incident She called the police the day after the McDonald's altercation The couple the couple found the window of their Ford rodeo had been smashed over the next few weeks They received a torrent of online abuse and threats Which they reported to the fixated persons investigation unit the FBI you which I didn't even know that existed The fixated persons

Investigations unit which targets lone wolf extremists Yes, believe to be a future terrorism threat Oh on March 5th things really escalated when their ute was blown up Quote a sophisticated explosive had been placed on the vehicle Well, it was parked in the couple's driveway. It only destroyed the car partially But was definitely according to the FBI you strong enough to kill so I will put it this way How do I say this without causing a criminal investigation? I I

Can't see Myself doing this. No, you can know if someone honks at you You don't the next day throw a rock through their frickin car window and then a month later blow it up You would do that not that extreme, but I like the idea of extended vengeance But it was a honk at a McDonald's drive-thru if you're not honking at the McDonald's drive-thru You're not hungry. That's the whole point. You're grumpy because you're hungry That's why you get a lot of altercations at drive-thrus because they're not full yet. The term is hangry I know if I'm gonna be a cultural fucking

Scientist hangry, but also there's something that's not really about the crime at all. It's about the exquisite Hunt of the person you viewed as the aggressor. Yes, it's the person it is the slow But sure like where I'm gonna find you. You don't know I'm coming for you every day I'm looking in your windows. I know what your wife looks like. Yeah, I know what your lawn is that I'm out there I'm pretending to be a pizza delivery man Like knocking the door being like B. J. And then when they say like I didn't order a pizza like Franny I don't know why I'm here then and then we're like, I think I recognize that guy from the plate the guy that I Honked at it gripes. Yeah, right

So two people, you know, I think this guy is going a little too far I'm just gonna say it two people were arrested this past Tuesday at a local BP gas station Police arrested a 33 year old man and later his 31 year old female partner and also seized another pipe bomb a drone Baton while they were searching their car The man was charged with two counts of using carriage services to threaten serious armed two counts of stock or intimidating Using a carriage service to threaten to kill destroyed or damaging property placing an explosive in or near a vehicle Threatening a witness and two counts of possessing or using a prohibitive weapon a prohibited weapon. He will appear in court So I'm just gonna say this maybe these people don't necessarily need to be out in public right now

Just take a couple of weeks off go to the chill tank in jail and just try to relax yourself find Buddhism Maybe honestly, they should just go on vacation. It sounds like these people need a vacation from their problems. It does it That's what they need. They need to relax. They need calm calm We actually we're not even being paid for the we're not being paid for that advertisement for calm calm Yeah, we are though and lost podcast but not on side stories, but they could use it I feel like this is a good example of a time when calm calm would come in Oh, yeah, maybe calm these people down before they decide to commit domestic terrorism Over this tiny thing at a restaurant. Absolutely. No denying that I just I have a little addendum here

I'm looking at the Australian McDonald's miss menu. Okay. What do we got and so we've got the Big brekkie. Oh, the McPheas. Do they have beans in that they have well, they have gravy loaded fries The thing that caught my eye was the frozen Coke McSpider Oh, what is that? That seems to be some kind of Coca-Cola product with whipped cream and then maybe spiders inside of it It's actual spiders. I don't I have no it's called the frozen Coke McSpider I'm sure that means something like actually delicious in Australia. I don't know that could actually go either way But if you're all Australian and listening, let us know what that McSpider is all about. I also it's on the loose change menu

Oh There's a place I go to sometimes in LA it's called night market song and one thing they have is what they say it is a traditional Relish that served with various meals, but it's made out of water bug Like I have water bug mixed it like smashed up into a bunch of spices And I was like this is a fucking joke on white people like this is just straight up a joke on Los Angeles being like oh this is Because you crunch it like I had one little bite of it and the legs and the stuff in it

Just like it's just very bad. It's bug me. It's wait. Hold on. This is like This is the future. Nobody wanted robots are taken over there now by the way Walmart has said they're gonna get robot janitors They're gonna double down on that. They're gonna get a huge huge army of dumb robots What's going on can you imagine if they were just so wanted like we're replaced the janitors But we don't want to lose the authentic janitor feel so we put a little tongue on it so it can still lick a child I don't think the janitors do that and you have maligned janitors for far too many years on this program We have a lot of great janitor listeners right now Who are doing the work that others don't want to do because they're brave and because they see a mess

And they clean it up for our comfort. I agree. I agree with that statement I'm just saying the janitors who listen to us are the good ones Uh-huh. You've said this before. All right. Well, I believe it's time for hero of the week Is are we at the hero of the week time? Oh, yeah, we forget to do a hero all the week. We gotta do it now castle Let's do it now. Let's do it. I play through a music. Yeah, new intro music recordings of number stations. I love listening to them and it is it can't be a hero of the week All right, this week's hero of the week. It's not just a hero. It's heroes of the week Brett the hitman heart He was given an acceptance speech in a wwe ring. He was inducted into the hall of fame where he belongs He was a great awesome incredible wrestler stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn michael said they they loved wrestling with him

He was just one of the best that's ever graced us with his presence. Well, this lunatic. He's a 26 year old They say the word fan, but I'm gonna say psycho. He's not a fan He jumped into the ring. This guy's name is Zachary Madsen He slipped under the yellow ropes of the wrestling ring and knocked the hitman to the ground See, I thought that this was staged. No, this is this is a dude. He was on social media leading up to the hall of fame Just being like i'm gonna go out there. He was he was hanging upside down kind of like joker Makeup, which is the cliche for all people who are psycho to be like. I'm edgy and crazy But also artistic so he thought in his mind

He was going to become a be be part of a storyline But what happened was the heroes of the week are every single wrestler including davie smith jr Who just beat the living hell out of him. I want to see this video. I know that there's a video of it, right? Yeah, there is yeah, yeah watch the watch the video they get on top of him And then you can just see it was like 1990s football in the scrum Everyone's taken a little pops at him little pokes at him punching him in the face punching him in the ribs You know really getting a good beat down on this guy and as they're exiting the ring Davy spiff davy boy smith jr gives him a solid punch right in the face

So this man was lucky that the cops showed up I'm looking at the video right now. What a fucking idiot Yeah, they're huge these and they are like Wrestlers are not they I know wrestling is it is staged it is scripted Of course, that's my biggest pet peeve while watching WrestleMania or not just WrestleMania But when watching wrestling with people they'll be like, oh that was staged. Yeah, everything is staged. It's all spots They set up spots and then they of course, but they're still physically doing the actions So it is very much real you have to be very strong and very athletic to be a wrestler

Oh, yeah, you can't you get the fucking hurt you can as a matter of fact speaking of not being able to fake gravity and just Do doing feats of amazing athletic Displays the hardy boys hold the mcneely and I from wizard on the bruiser We had a chance to go watch smackdown this week and the hardy boys won the tag team titles I like the usos as well, but it was cool to see the tag team go titles go to the hardy boys because they are iconic So anyway, so this Zach Manson guy, he was totally crazy. He tweeted about several several wrestlers including charlotte flair Daniel bryant vince mcman and this is according to the tweet that he said that he sent out

He said road trip. I want to say thank you to vince mcman for helping guide us to the main event of wrestlemania 35 He posted that on april 14th So he is being held now Uh, who he's now so now he faces assault and criminal trespass charges He's being held on $1,500 bail and I gotta say this guy was very lucky that the cops showed up because otherwise those wrestlers We're gonna tear him limb from limb because they are the heroes of the week They were in the middle of beating him to death and that was great. No, that's what you get He's like always at fake now

And there's a bio was watching for that one you just lay wasting to him fucking Oh, yeah, Eddie's told me horrible stories of what he's what he used to do in the dog pile And now he had his father told him is that you got to go in and grab the guy's nuts underneath Like in the pile. I'm saying Yeah, there was people would be like poke him in the eye all that that's when football. We're still football It was football that and people just got their ass just kicked in the scrum Anyway, so good job way to protect brenhardt Um, and wrestle mania was awesome this year. So if you haven't watched it and you have the network, uh, check that one out

Um, all right. I have a uh letter from a listener Uh by the name of sid Okay, uh, and it is a bit of literature written about I believe it's about veggie tails Okay, and I'm gonna give it a little bit of a read. All right. Let's so this is about the the christian show veggie tails Yes, okay. Um, it's called I need less jesus by scorpius is my patronus Okay, um do not endorse anything else by this person. I have no clue what this person's about and uh Probably shouldn't even say the name because god knows what's connected to it. Right, right perhaps Larry held up his 10 inch long larry jr. Bob winked and said wow you're long

That's what he said said larry as he began to stroke his over glorified meat stick. Bob was super horny And he pulled out his baby squirter and started pulling it I'm ready bob larry said is his asshole was all lubed up now Cool, but why do you have an asshole or vegetables? I don't know just stick your little friend in there So bob did but he wiped off all the lube first. So it was super painful Jesus said larry Well, that's who this show is supposed to be about said bob while he fucked them. Oh bob. I'm gonna come Bob grabbed his cum cannon ripped it out and stuck it in his mouth while larry came then larry said

Whoa, did you just rip my prick off? That's hot and bob was like, yeah larry grabbed his vegetable hands around bob's mini tomato and grabbed the knife and he started severing off bob's weenie Bob came unexpectedly and larry stuck the knife in his asshole, baby I told you to come in me. No, he didn't really hope you're into choking because larry grabbed bob's neck I started throttling him bob was so turned on he came again all over his half severed dingle dongle larry's fully served man woman vegetable hood Exploded with a cum a second later. God, you're good, babe. Said larry. Yeah, it's because I got jesus christ in me Actually, I'm not in actually I'm not in you yet. Said jesus because he's always watching

Oh, oh said bob jesus stepped on him and started fisting him so his hands were covered in shit and blood Oh, yeah, said bob jesus stuck his flesh stick in there using the blood and shit his lube Bob came larry moaned because bob's cock was still in his mouth and was jerking off of carrot peeler And suddenly larry walked over and pulled off jesus's penis with his hands Started shredding it with the carrot peeler and jesus was like yuff And then he came too the three of them put their dicks in a bucket and went on with the day bathing and post-exploring Exploring stroking their sore asses All right. Well, I don't remember that being a part of the veggie tale storyline, but that's very

Very interesting watching cartoon. No, I never watched it either. It was just a little bit before my time or after my time I suppose Okay, well, thank you so much for that illuminating tale. Um, thank you said Yeah, that's great very you know right to the point didn't didn't you know skirt around what this was all about here No need to act like we don't want to get just to the coming vegetables I suppose so and evidently the uh General genital mutilation is the theme of the day Just this episode and sometimes that's just how it is and that's a synchronicity

Oh That's right. It's just a happy accident You want to call those happy accidents really is that are you sure about that this whole show is just nothing but a happy accident Yeah, absolutely. Just a fun smile time with my best friend and and travis who's chewing on your penis. No, he's not All right enough enough Thank you all so much for listening. Um anything else we got we're gonna be on the road and we're gonna be on the road We're gonna be on the road. We're gonna be on the planes. I I'm still not fat enough to say I'm too fat to fly So I have to go on planes

Um, which is a good way to get out of doing the shows that you become too fat to fly I know and then I'm just like just give me the money guys. Are you know, I just give me the money just think about that um And uh, yeah, so thank you all so much for listening to side stories as always you guys remember live Live live If you if you wake up in the morning and you're sad you just go live And make your knees get up that really works Absolutely and same thing with laugh if you want to look in the mirror and just go laugh

You could really kind of get yourself back in the mood get yourself Be like laugh laugh. You fucking bastard. You hollow bastard. Yeah, I don't know wow and love But never yell love Just say love love when anybody says something like how you doing today go love You start to sound like a person that you know lives at a bus station, but yeah, sure Sure, and nothing wrong with living at a bus station unless unless someone's asked you to leave Well, then you technically do have to leave. I understand the rules of trespassing Um, all right everyone. Thank you so much and thanks for giving to our patreon

Don't forget you can have listen to our patreon interviews at henry and I do they're very very fun And thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan Magusta lesions. Help me Suck that dick. Do not bite it. Do not cut off anybody's body parts including yourself That's the that's the rule of the week. Good. Listen. That's a very good lesson. Mm-hmm fun times This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com