Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Hero Edition

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

It's an all-heroes edition of Side Stories this week — featuring Taco Bell Joe, Layaway Santa, the Wizard of Paws, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left. Side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. I need a hero. Woo! I need a hero here in a money line. That's what we're doing today, man. I need a hero, man. You do need a hero. Someone come save you from the bottom of a well. Oh my goodness. Help me. I'm in the well, kid. Use your long arms, your long body. Come down and get me. I'm just a little button. Seven days. Seven days. Henry crawls through your television. Noooood. I would be. I'd be a cute ringu girl.

Yeah, you would be. Yeah. It would be scary. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben, hanging out with Henry Special Edition. It's all heroes all the time because why not celebrate those who celebrate us and that is what a hero does. Sometimes a hero doesn't celebrate us. What do you mean? Sometimes they do stuff like, you know, they're on the USS Indianapolis. Oh my. And then they get taken out by one of these, you know, a torpedo. But that is just, that's war. That's what war is. That's a wartime hero. That's a war hero. We're going to go with peacetime heroes on today's

Henry Special Side Stories. We're in a forever war now. We're kind of dipping our toe back out of it. We'll get back in at some point. It does feel like we have C1 foot that's coming out of the forever war. But there's like another foot of the other leg that keeps the body up is still like in it. Yeah, because people are very easily manipulated and then they'll just spin a narrative that goes around their brain and they say, we better go back. Otherwise we're going to somehow hurt someone that they have no idea exists. Do we already make this even worse? Do we make this hero special just worse

by talking about the forever war? Yes, we did. Yes, we did. All right. The first hero we're going to talk about today is just people in general. People in general are heroes and that actually kind of negates the purpose of the episode because we're looking for specific heroes. You just said that everyone's a hero. No, a Taco Bell employee in Florida, he got a Christmas surprise. So on Friday, Joe DiCicchio or DiCicchio or DiCicchio. DiCicchio. Okay. He worked at a Taco Bell in South Daytona for the past two decades. That is 20 years of slinging Gorditas. And he's seen a lot of changes.

He remembers before they got the grill for the grilled burrito before the press came in. He remembers when they had the OG. Oh, that really nice seven layer burrito. Didn't you know when that was new? Didn't you have to put blood in it? Yes. That's one of the layers. Anyway, so for 20 years, Joe has been working at the South Daytona Taco Bell and he was recently presented a check for $6,095, a gift that had started at $50 before more people pitched in to thank who they call Taco Bell Joe, which in any other land, you would say insults. But in this case, they mean it out of love. He worked at the Taco Bell.

His name was Joe. He had a name tag on Joe. And so they just they called him Taco Bell Joe. They gave him money. And this is sort of like when Jeff Bezos thanked all the Amazon customers. He's like, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a billionaire. Okay. So after being very similar. So after being voted favorite employee in a Facebook group, the name of the Facebook group was Foodie Reviews. I am. Where have we come as a country? Where have we slipped to?

DeChico was presented with the check this past Friday by the group's admin Trisha Philippi. And so Trisha Philippi, you did something good on Facebook, which is really amazing. And you are a hero because of it. And so is everybody else who gave Taco Bell Joe six thousand plus dollars because that's going to go a long way. Why? Why did they give him this money? Just because he is the best because he was the best one because he's here. According to Joe DeChico, he's saying it's my customers that I owe this to.

They bring out the best. It's them. I couldn't do it without your help. And I'm going to do my best to live up to it and spark a light, a little candle in every heart of every person that I meet. That is the sweetest thing any fast food employee has said ever. Because it sounds like a credent song. You know, leave the light on for me. I think that's the Motel 6 song. But you know what I'm talking about. Leave the light on in the window. You get the song that I'm referencing.

I'm kind of nervous about that because I kind of miss the nihilistic fast food employee. No, I don't want the nihilistic. They spit in all your stuff and they don't care if they make it fresh. Philippi told Newsweek that DeChico, quote, deserves the recognition and she goes on to say he truly is the kindest, most gentle, most wonderful man. He makes driving through Taco Bell an actual experience. His spirit is just magical. Now did Taco Bell pay him any more money? Taco Bell pays their employees like shit still.

He's been there for 20 years so maybe he's up to 9.50. Oh my God. So yeah, so Taco Bell doesn't have a penny more. They kicked the can to the people. The people gave him a tip. And I wonder if you do or at $6,095, $6,000, I'm going to do the math here. Okay, do a little quick math. This is for 20 years of employment. Yep. Well, Philippi on the little check there, she says, thank you for your amazing customer service and for being friends to all of us.

Happy holidays, Joe. All right, so that's $304 per year of that. And so that's not even a dollar a day. Well, you're kind of putting a small damper on the Euro's episode. I know, it's nice though. I think it's really, really nice. Yeah, it is very nice because this is what DiGicchio says. He says, they gave me strength. They gave me wisdom. They gave me vitality.

And these wonderful people have come, this obviously happened around Christmas. And these wonderful people have been true to me for Christmas. Where is his grandchildren? They have put grace into my Christmas. He's seven years old. Well, he works at Taco Bell. I'm sure he doesn't have a huge family. Raj Gohill, one person who donated, praised DiGicchio,

saying, you could be having the worst day, but by the time you get through the drive-thru, you're just smiling. That's really nice. Isn't that nice? That is nice. DiGicchio, Joe DiGicchio, and everyone else who helped out getting him $6,095. You are one of the heroes of the special heroes episode. I'm going to throw out my special, my hero of the week.

Okay. Today, Glenn Livet. Glenn Livet. The Scotch Company. The Scotch Company. And why is that your hero today? Keeps me lubricated in the night. I also like the McCallan family as well.

I wish them the best. Absolutely. And don't forget, I am always on Team Jamison. Always been a Jamison fan. Always will be. I actually sometimes have a hard time with the Irish whiskeys. Really? Because they're a little too light for me.

I like a little, some of them are more body. You know, the thing with the, with the body, right? It comes at your heart. It does. I made a massive mistake. I was hanging out with my friend, Saman Arbabi. He's been on Top App before. He's awesome.

He's awesome. We, I don't even know what we're, like, I just didn't really jackass anything. Where I was like, give me the most expensive whiskey you have. And they gave me like a McCallan, like 12. Yeah, I like it. And I was like, well, that's not a shooter. Jamison. Jamison's a shooter.

Give me the Jamison. Yeah, that's a shooter. Then McCallan, you have to switch the ice around it and use it. Smell the top of it. Yeah. The barrel oak. I get the chocolatey tears.

Little bit of sip. And you have about four of those and you can make policy on any single group in America. Absolutely. All right. Well, let's move on here. A teen raised $38,000 by cutting off his 19-inch hair. He had a 19-inch afro. Whoa.

Beautiful hair. $38,000. Yes. He plans on going to the United States Air Force Academy. Oh, wow. So he has to get a haircut and he donated it to cancer. Children who are suffering with cancer at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital and they Michigan-based children with hair loss, which is a nonprofit that provides human

hairwigs for free of charge for kids or young adults who are suffering from medically related hair loss. His name is Kieran Mosey and he is only 17 years old and he raised 38,000 bucks. And how did he get there? This is what he said. He explained on a fundraising page, I've been growing my hair out for many years with the goal of donating it to charity. Now that it is time to shave it, I would like to raise $1,000 per inch for St. Jude's

Hospital. What is it that goes to charity? So he shaves his head and does that hair go to the people? Does it go to the kids? Well, he's going to donate the money to the hospital. But how did he raise the money? How did he raise the money for it? Well, this is through a fundraising page.

So he just said, every inch I grow, give me $1,000. Every inch I cut. Oh, wow. So he says, my hair is 19 inches long and that would be $19,000. And that would do so much good to families dealing with cancer. He goes on to say, one of my good friends in middle school died from cancer. That's very sad. That's very sad.

And I know St. Jude's really helped his family. This is just one way that I feel I can give back. It will also make some really good wigs for kids. So please donate and help me reach my goal. Again, he did more than that. He was able to raise $39,000 from 100 very enthusiastic supporters. According to the Washington Post, this is from his mother. They say, she says, my son has always had a huge heart.

He was determined if he was going to have to get a haircut anyway, then he should pay it forward in a way that would help as many people as possible. That's very sweet. So that's very sweet. I remember that you remember the other story where they like, I guess it was for the kid where they got all the old cars together and you know, they drove around on the parade for the kid and then they had all that kind of stuff. It was a little kid who was dying or something and they got all the old cars together

and they did a parade for him and he got to wave at him and they loved it. He got to sit in a thing. I wonder, like, when I have cancer, eventually, like, what I can pull. Like, I know there's not pulling something. There's not going to be a lot of sympathy for you. Why though? Because you're going to have cancer based upon your lifestyle. No, but everybody's going to be like, oh, this beloved pillar of our community.

He has to. We have to take care of him. We have to do something. And all I ask is for... That's when you have a wife. Of course. Yes, but her job is to take care of me physically to wipe my butt. At that point, she's going to have to take care of me because she's going to be far

physically able for far longer than me as I get older. You know what I just want? One time when I'm old and I have cancer, let me shoot a tank bullet. And a real one. I want to shoot a real one. I don't want to shoot a blank one. You don't want to have a Dukakis moment. I mean, by that point, who doesn't care?

So I'm not running for president. I'm trying to look impressive inside a tank. I'm just saying I want to have a real tank. I want a real tank. You're not going to push your foot around here. I want to shoot it off into the sky or preferably at a target. And also double, double, honestly, if there is a war happening, which I'm sure there will be as we've already talked about the top of this episode.

Put me in the war for one shot. Well, we just talked about kamikaze, people who participated in kamikaze events during the USS Indianapolis group. You call them kamikaze events, like it's a pop-up shop. We can have you self-detonate. Whoa. Kind of cool. Kieran Moses.

Moses is another hero. Thank you so much for donating $39,000 to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. And thank you so much for donating your wonderful hair to children with hair loss. He had a lot of hair. That's really sweet. And I did say pussy foot and around, but let's remember that means my feet are really strong and tough because there's nothing more strong than a pussy. Isn't that nice?

This is, honestly, it's so nice that I've forgotten everything bad you've ever done. There you go. Life from your grave. Well, let's move on, shall we? Yeah, I guess so, man. You said pussy footing, but I guess what? You know what pussies have when they're not on a woman or someone else? What?

They have four feet. And you know what's hard about pussy, if you don't got more than one, you've got too many feet. Nice. Right? If you don't got enough feet, right? It's hard for it to get around, so it's why it's very important for somebody to go around there and attach some feet to these fucking pussies, they ain't got enough.

The way that you're saying it, it was really dampening the hero of the week thing. What do you mean? Because I want, because now if the person, so you're going to, okay, you're referencing the Wizard of Paws. So Wizard of Paws makes prosthetics to fit any animal, helping animals who have lost legs to be able to live their best life. And if you look at these animals, number one, they do look like, while they are cool visions of the future.

They are cool. They also do look like little, like, it's like the cutest little shitsu that's also a killing machine because it's got robot legs. Yeah, I watched Mortal Kombat, the new one. And when Jack gets his arms tore off, it was pretty cool, Sub-Zero freezes them off, but then he gets cool new arms. Now it's like, that's kind of cool. See, that's fucking cool.

I wouldn't mind having that, as long as they are better than they used to be. And I think they are getting that way almost, it seems like they are almost getting that way. The advantage of a duck with these tread wheels on them is that's kind of metal, but, you know, I don't know if that's going to do good for that duck in water because they look pretty heavy. Absolutely. Does that do anything for them in water?

Like, I'm looking at this video now of this duck. It's going down there. It's pushing these wheels. It's very cute. I don't know why it has that because it has feet, so its feet work for the front, I guess doesn't work. It's wings work, but there's still wheels on it. I was attacked by a predator and I lost control of her legs.

Okay, well Derek Campania, he is the man behind Wizard of Paws. He has done this since 2005. He has a, it's called pet fitters. It's bionic pets and animal ortho care. It's cool. They've been building custom made mobility devices for animals of all sizes. They've worked on cats, dogs, eagles, turtles, eagles or scavengers. Those are very scary, tortoises, cows, foxes, camels, goats and even a six ton elephant.

See that's crazy to me that you could actually put a fake foot on a six ton elephant. They have this one picture of a dude with the big, fake elephant foot in his hand and it says like, whoa. It's pretty cool. This is crazy. Look at that. They just attach it. I guess because honestly, how do you even get to the elephant once his foot is off?

How does the elephant get to you? Elephants love people and they remember you. And we love elephants. So maybe it was an elephant that had a person friend. Elephants bury their dead. Elephants are fantastic and no one should kill an elephant. No, no one should kill an elephant. There's no meat.

I mean, there was meat, but it's not good. Also, I was doing a little bit of research on the elephant. Their backs are not made for humans to be sitting on. They're not. It's very uncomfortable for them to be carrying humans. I actually was watching some one video. One video I wanted to put on the stream, but I never did because I felt like it was maybe too extreme where it was a guy who had two elephant poachers at gunpoint and he was making

them slap each other over and over again. And I almost when I just felt like it felt a little intense only just because of the assault rifle being him going like him screaming and pointing it and jabbing it to the side of their heads and then slapping each other. And then the video description just said they were poachers, but they could have been anybody. Right. Well, if they are poachers, then that guy is also a hero. Screw big game hunting poachers.

They're disgusting. According to Campana, he says when it comes to giving the prosthetics to these little animals, he says it's about making families whole again. He goes on to say, I get to build those. I get to build these prosthetics at their houses. I get to go experience the joy of the animal's faces and those family's faces as they walk again. Yeah, that is very cool.

They said that you can see the little sparkle in their eye when they notice that they can walk for the first time in years. That's very nice. You should have seen what it was like when Ed's father first got his motorized wheelchair. Same sparkle in his eye. It was really nice. That was the Jameson. Yeah.

Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You know, I think it's good for these animals to get out there, rehabilitate, join capitalism again, get back in the workforce. Right. I am just, this is actually a really fun episode for me to see you try to navigate good news. It's hard for me. It is.

It's hard for me too. I've gotten better with it. Oh, you have. Yeah. Because you know me. I mean, as soon as they see something, I'm going to be like, where's the bodies? Of course. Like who's covering up?

Oh, yeah. I'm constant. Whenever something's good, I don't trust something that's good. John Krasinski, technically, I think we're going to get sued by that fucking moron from the office. Even though he's a good director. He's a better director than he's an actor, but it's like we're going to get fucking sued by him because we are doing a good news episode.

And what's good about that? Nothing would be good about that. Except I'd love to see him in court. I would love to just see him in general. I love John Krasinski. He is very funny. According to Campanio, he says, seeing dogs wag their tails, their eyes have a sparkle, that moment when they haven't walked in the last couple of years, or maybe they've never

walked before in their lives. You see them just running, get up. And those are the moments. You just turned into Jiminy Click for a second. I love Jiminy Click. And those are the moments that I kind of live for. And that's why I do it. And that's why I do what I do.

Honestly, it would be weird if he didn't do it for that reason. If he was just like, fuck these animals, I just take people's money. It's like, fuck these shit. Oh yeah, you know what I do? Yeah, I make prosthetics for animals. I'll make them worse. I'll make it so they can't walk, and so, oh look, it's two bullets, and they step wrong and they'll blow up and fucking shoot them in the head.

Oh my. It's like saw. Man, I want to see Spiral. I just haven't pulled the trigger on it yet because I heard it was bad, and I love my saws. That's like my white trash. Or just not even white trash. That's my trash-tastic.

I just love watching people get tore apart, but I heard Spiral wasn't very good. Certain movies, because honestly, as we've said before, inside stories, all horror movies are our children. I look at Spiral, and it's very much one of those I'll have on in the background while I sort of look at my mom. Did you see it? I haven't seen it yet. I will eventually see it because I do like this wave of comedians writing horror movies

because sometimes they're really good at it. Yeah. Look at the new Halloween. Yes, I can't wait. Which is great. The new new Halloween's going to be coming out soon, depending on whether or not it gets but I don't think it's going to get postponed again, but I can't wait. I don't think so.

I hope not. Again, if you want to watch a good horror comedy too late, we talked about that recently. Too late was a good horror comedy I watched recently. Okay, well let's go. This story is a little bit, this story is from Christmas of last year. My God, were we not going through a very difficult time? I know many people are still going through a hard time, but this was a story about an anonymous Santa.

A Santa paid off $65,000 in layaway balances at a Tennessee Walmart and people are calling it a Christmas miracle. I mean, that is very, very sweet. That is very sweet. I do one of the things that I dislike about Christmas is sort of the constant need to buy things and to give people ornate presents, but something like this can really change a thing for a kid because that's really what it's about sometimes for a kid to maybe feel like a moment of happiness.

Absolutely. You know, these people probably aren't the most well off if they have to use layaway. No. I remember using layaway as a kid and when it got introduced, it was a big deal. Oh, it was. It was a big deal. Oh yeah, layaway allowed you to really live a fake lifestyle for a period of time. All of our parents, which is why now we have to take care of them.

They were told a lie and they believed it. We can't blame them necessarily. According to shopper Lloyd Leonard, they say initially they thought it was weird. He got a notification that his items had been paid off, but then the manager soon let him know the magic behind it. How brutal would that be if he paid them all off and then just took everything? He just gave it. He paid off all the lightaways and then took all of the shit.

I think they have this stuff. So Leonard recalled the manager's message. He said, she said, yes, somebody came in this morning at six o'clock and paid everybody's layaway, but he wants me to tell you that he loves you, God bless you, and Merry Christmas. So isn't that nice? It's incredibly sweet. As long as he's not laundering money. Even if he is.

Still. Honestly, yes. Even if he is. You're right. You're correct. If you're getting out of the game finally and this is it, you fucking, you basically barely survived the heist, you know what I mean? Like you have like a gut shot and you're like walking into the Walmart.

It's like, I gotta fucking, I gotta do something to set things right. That's kind of romantic. This is bank robbers romance. That's cool. According to another shopper, April Hilliard, oh my, she said her reaction. She said, the emotional type that I am. I just broke. I just started crying.

That's so sweet. She says it restores her faith. It's like a Christmas miracle. He's Santa. That's what he is. He's Santa to everyone here. And I do like that she said it restored her faith, but didn't mention Jesus, who's just like, it's Santa.

It's Santa. Because if you're going to believe in mystical things, it's better to believe in Santa. At least Tim Allen played Santa. As soon as Tim Allen plays Jesus, maybe I'll start to believe. Man, can you believe the blow back the fuck? Blow back. His audience would love it. Oh God.

He used to have Mel Gibson coming and playing Pontius Pilate. Mel Gibson. No. Have you seen that when he made? I actually, that movie's a horror movie. It definitely is. The Passion of the Crisis is a fucking horror movie. But the scene when Jesus is getting impaled on the thing, those are Mel Gibson's hands

with the nail and hammer because he said, because my sins put him on that cross. That's how demented he is. It's just hard to have such a dramatic director. Big beard though. Yeah. Apocalypto's good. I actually think he has some, he has some talent in that wonky little mind. I like Apocalypto.

I am a store manager, Chris, just lastly, store manager, Chris Light says it's especially touching when customers pay off layaways during the holiday season and serves as another example of the generosity our customer show you're around. So there you go. He's just happy when people pay off the layaways. Yeah, of course he is. Yeah, he runs the Wal-Mart. Yeah, he's very happy when they pay off the layaways because they just sit there.

Apparently, it's not that uncommon in 2019, a dude donated 45,000 at the Aniston, Alabama Wal-Mart and they paid off all the layaway balances there. Honestly, that's very, very cute. That's very nice. This guy got a little heavy handed with it because he said, the man's gift to company and note that said, God loves you, Jesus paid the price, but you really paid the price. Yeah, you paid the, but yeah, whatever, if you're, if you're, even if the motivation is not something that I give a shit about, the night, the action, the action doesn't

matter. I really do believe that it is about the action, like fuck all of your word salad when it comes down to it, what do your hands do? What does your penis do? Does it stay in? Good. Live from your grave. This is a, I'm gonna say, you don't want, this is the one that you sent me that I will

say that this is, cause I'll give credit up to Kissel. This is a complete Kissel research episode. He has done this. I went to people.com and goodnews.org. You shouldn't even say that because you're stealing your material because you came in here with all of this and I want to say this is a really good one. I like this one. Hero pilot lands plane in cornfield after bird strike.

Now I don't know if that means the bird stop working. I don't know. I wish they would stop working because they take down a lot of planes. They do. Saving all 226 passengers on board. Man, we're starting to fly again in stories like this. Yes, this man is a hero and thank God that he saved most people, but it is scary. Birds are the number one killing of people that are on board planes, absolutely.

An airline pilot is being touted as a hero because the only person we hear about, Sully. Sully. Oh, it's the only pilot we ever hear. And I love Sully. I'm happy that the movie was made, not to smirch, but there is a lot of speculation he could have just turned around. Just land. Maybe, but anyway.

It's fine. It's Sully you did it, everybody. Sully did whatever you needed to do. I'm not trying to be a Sully revisionist podcast here. Nope, nope, nope. It's possible he could have just turned around and landed on board. You know anything when it comes down to it? He did just put in the harbor.

41-year-old Captain Damir Yusupov was piloting Ural Airlines Flight 178 from Moscow's Zhukovsky Airport to Simphoperal, Crimea. Oh, to be up. To be up. To be assassins on this plane. I know. I'm like, what is this flight like? Is it fun?

Is it horrifying? They're all trying to kill each other. It's whoever gets the biggest bid to get to whack somebody else. Yeah. This is, yeah, it's a plane from John Wick, something gone wrong during the takeoff. This is just, I'm scared now. It collided, according to an announcement from National Aviation Regulator, Rosofiatsk. Oh, nailed it.

The plane collided with a large flock of seagulls. I ran, I ran so far away that flew in front of the runway right as it was taking off. I am so scared. Everyone's like, birds are, birds aren't real, man, birds are robots, and I really, in many ways, wish that they were, because these birds don't seem to give a flying fuck when they see a massive bird, a.k.a. an airplane, coming at them. I don't know why they kamikaze the planes. I don't know.

Do you remember the video I showed on the stream of the hawk committing suicide? The falcon? The Peregrine falcon? I never forget. They do it. They commit suicide all the time. So it's an airbus, an A321, an A321, I began shaking, making noises, and smelling of burning, which is horrifying.

That is very scary. It makes me really upset. It's 6, 10 a.m. This is leaving Moscow. Everyone's still drunk or exceptionally hungover. Oh, yes. Do Russian people even get hungover? Are they just in a constant state of agitation, and that vodka is just such an essential

part of their diet that they just don't even feel it? We covered on Roundtable maybe four years ago, Russia just classified beer as alcohol, because it was just considered the same as soda. So I don't know the answer. I think they might just be constantly riding that great wave of staying a little drunk so you don't get sick. So he radioed, and he asked if he could land the plane back at the airport, but then he ended up making an emergency landing in a cornfield.

Yeah, he landed it where the beets are made, where the rock soup is made. Honestly, it's pretty incredible that he did it, but guess what this article does? We talk about how nice it is to hear about some other pilot living, some other pilot saving a bunch of people. They could not even go through paragraphs without mentioning Sully Sullenberger at the very end. You say it here, the incident is similar to the emergency landing that occurred in the Hudson River in New York in 2009 that has become known as the quote-unquote miracle

on the Hudson. Is it that similar? They landed in a cornfield and he landed in water. They are saying that they're just calling it. US Airways Flight 1549 hit a flock of Canadian geese, and they just keep touting the legend that is Sully Sullenberger. Yeah, that's... Again, not anti-Sully Sullenberger.

No, no, that's very true. Yeah, because I don't want you Sully heads coming for us. No, absolutely not. This is what Yusupov, he said, he and his co-pilot, they said they're going to be nominated for some state awards, which, God, that'll be great. He says, today's a really good day, and he goes on to say, let us offer our wishes for a speedy recovery to those who are injured and congratulate the heroic pilots for saving people's lives and landing the plane.

I mean, it's dope as hell and good for them. I'm glad that they still have planes over there. And let's put in the center flock of seagulls, and now it's going to be very upset because this plan has been thwarted. Honestly, it might come down to, well, was he poisoned with plutonium? I don't know, but I don't want to die that way. I don't want to die. What was it that stuff that they put in the people's drink?

What was it that they said? I believe it was plutonium. But it was something like that, right, where they just slowly died? And they put it in the dude's sushi, and then, yeah, bro, it's pretty freaking brutal. They don't like it. They just do it out in the open, too. They don't really care about covering that shit up. Oh, yeah.

All right. Well, speaking of covering stuff up, just maybe one or two more little tales here. This one is really, this is right off. This is hot off the presses. Ooh. July 19th, 2021, a student has invented a toilet that converts poop into energy and literally will pay you money if you fill it up with your own shit. That's going to be your side enterprise.

This is going to be my main enterprise. Honestly, sometimes though, I did take a poop that was so big that I did truly, it came out the top of the water this morning. Oh, good. That's like 10 bucks. Dude. It literally could be. Joe J. Wan, he's an urban and environmental engineering professor at the National Institute

of Science and Technology. He insists humanity can solve all kinds of problems if you simply think outside the box. Apparently, that dung that you took today, a human's daily excrement can generate around 0.5 kilowatt hours of electricity. Wow. I had to tell Reuters, he says. How do you find all this shit out? Dad, I don't want to get into.

I have no idea. How did you do it? You just stick a light bulb in a pile of shit and just been like, oh, this doesn't work. And then you go and stick a bunch of wires into a pile of shit. Who's shit? Scientists and doctors are two of the more perverted minds in the world that we have to honor and respect because we do, but I don't want to be. I don't know.

Why would you even think about this? Do you not think that certain types of shit would provide more energy than other types of shit because I actually bet that my protein ladle shit must have a lot more like potential energy inside of it than like a Bud Light squirt. Oh, yeah. Like when we're on the road and you just have that purely like tan liquid shit that just comes from drinking beer all night. Like I don't know if that's good for fucking an energy source unless you can shit it directly

into the fucking, the fuel, like the fuel, right into the car. Yeah. Yeah, could be. Cho told Reuters, he says, I think, I think outside the box, he does feces has pre has precious value to make energy and manure. I have put this value into ecological circulation. He has also created a digital coin called G-Gool or honey in Korean, which students can earn by using the toilet.

So if they go and shit, they can then go and get the money out of it. Digital currency. That's incredible. That's cool. That to me. Why don't we have that? If there's one thing that we have here in America is so much, Duke, we need so much food.

I want to also see the statistic of, I got to look this up. How much shit do we take as a country per day? How many pounds of feces are done in the U.S. per year? According to Hio Huy Jin, he says, I had only ever thought the feces are dirty, but now it is a treasure of great value to me. In a year, a single person who would yield about 325 pounds of poop, that's just a little bit more than an adult panda ways. I don't know why they use the panda as the example.

So we shit an adult panda every year. Every year, you do. I feel like that number is low for guys like us. Here's time.com right here that says how poop can be worth $9.5 billion. So this is actually, wow, there's a lot of people getting into the poop market, trying to get in there, trying to incentivize Duke. And I don't need to be incentivized to Duke. I actually love to shit.

I love to shit. Can you imagine if you couldn't shit how painful that would be? Wow, look at this. According to this, this is another thing called according to Quora, which is an even less reliable version of Yahoo Answers because it says stuff like, you know, like, how can I tell if my dog is ready to leave and those weird things? According to this, it is 8,806,500,000 kilograms of this is per day. In the world.

In the world. Wow, that's a lot of dung. That's a lot of dung, man. That's a lot of energy. Honestly, keep us alive. Someone's got to keep the lights in Vegas on. Absolutely. So thank you, Joe.

And if they can do it. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, Joe. I think that fun, dukey, making money toilets should be everywhere and I would happily get paid. Dump. It's better. It's something that helps add to the gig economy.

Absolutely. Because there's so many people out there that are struggling, they have to work two, three jobs. If one of your jobs just was like a machine that caught your dump each morning, how chill is that? It's very chill. All right. Just another one here.

Let's say this is from August 13th, 2020, so it's a little bit older, but it takes place in Lodi, California and there's actually a police officer who did something very good here. So let's shed some light on good actions made by law enforcement. Erika Urea, there was this dude that she saw, his wheelchair got stuck on the train tracks. It was just a fucking nightmare, dude. I mean, I don't know why he went over the train tracks. I don't know why he's there.

He shouldn't be there. It's probably a bad... You can find this video. There's a full video. This dude was about... Why do you see him on the train tracks? Is he trying... He's either a supervillain or he's trying to kill himself or...

It could have been an attempted suicide. It was 8.45 a.m., officer Urea is like, yo, dude, that guy is not moving off the train tracks. Urea is actually the clinical name for what is within our urine that makes it smell. Oh, isn't that nice? So he was at the railroad crossing and the arms began to lower and it's like, oh my god, it's coming. This guy was 66 years old.

And so Urea raced to pull him out and she got him, pulled him out for the wheelchair just as the train whist by... Wouldn't it be crazy if he just... He did suffer a small leg injury, but it would have been a heck of a lot worse. Kind of be fun if he just got up and walked away. You know what I mean? It was all fake. Yeah.

If that's how we find out he was lying his whole life. Thank you. Sorry. I guess the charade is over. Yes, indeed. Well, the department went on Facebook. They said, officer Urea risked her own life to save another and her actions prevented the tragedies today.

We are extremely proud of officer Erika, Urea, and her heroism. So that's what's a good thing. Yeah, that was put out directly in the middle of all the protests. Yes, exactly. Because that was prop. But it is... Well, I mean, when people do good stuff. Then it's good.

Then it is good. Then it is good. You're correct. Absolutely. So we have to shed light, especially on the annual heroes episode that we do every year. Is this the first... If you know any... Is this the first annual heroes episode?

First annual. Also, in the next one, I want to know if someone's celebrating a birthday, like a hundred years old. That would be really... What are they called, agrarians? Oh, yeah. No, agrarian is people who work on farms. It is cent...

Cent... Not centaurs. Centaureans. Centaureans. Centaureans. Centillions. No, that's an alien. Centaureans.

Centa-tillians. Centa... I don't know. Well, either way... I might as well call them pre-angels. Pre-angels. Not gonna be around. Right before they go.

My friend Travis Irvine that I do talk at with was listening to that song, Time is on my side, and I just turned 40, and you realize that song is now a lie. What do you mean? People die at 78 on average. I'm just no longer on my side. Oh, they know you're past the middle. Yeah, you're past the middle. If I'm an average.

But I don't really think I'm an average, but then again, you never know when you're gonna die. I was talking about with my therapist about the idea that post-40, the 40, there's a transitional period that goes from one, the first half of life, or one's idea is that you go out and you absorb, and then actually the second half of life is when one begins to look inward and start to think about you, your place within the universe, and you can actually finally now, and truly engage with yourself in a way that you were never able to as a young man.

Okay. Well, what a benefit that is. Isn't that nice when you get older, you get to engage with yourself, you're not losing friends because they die, you're engaging with yourself. I'm happy you put a positive spin on the inevitable doom. All right. I don't want to go to a bunch of funerals, man. No, I'm not.

The goal is, oh, no, I have to go, otherwise you die. Now, you have to go to the funerals. You'll see, you'll have fun. In the end, afterwards, you know, it's gonna be sad though for a period of time when they all go at once. It is sad. All right, well, just lastly, the last hero we'll cover is Jim, Mickin Bale. Mickin Bale.

And he goes by the name Mattress Mac. That's cute. That's really cute. He's not in prison. It's not in prison. Not if you're in prison. Hey, what's up? My name is Jim.

They call me Mattress Mac. I'm called Leave Me Alone Guy in the Cell. Nope. Sorry. You can't nickname yourself. I just, I just knew. Your name is? I'm Leave Me Alone Guy.

Sorry. My name is Pete. Yeah, I know. That's why I went Penetrated Pete. I love a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, I also love raping you on this mattress. Okay. Thank you very much.

Mattress Mac has come through amid a crisis once again. This takes place in Houston. This was February 18th of this year. So we remember what the heck was happening in Texas. It was freaking freezing cold. It was cold. Hurricanes had snow. They had, everything was a nightmare.

It was cold. They got, they, they technically. They caught the, the energy company belongs, the entire company belongs in prison. They're horrible what they did. Yep. Anyway, Jim Mattress Mac, he owns a gallery for, a gallery furniture in Houston and he opened up the doors for anyone who needed shelter because of the winter storm, Yuri. And because of Hurricane Harvey, they had tropical storm, Amelda, I don't know whose

name in these damn things, but anyway, some old guy with a dictionary. I guess so. Mick and Vale said, it's, it kind of feels like deja vu. This is happening again. Obviously the circumstances are quite a bit different, but the need is tremendous. Absolutely. And it's not like the pastors are opening their super churches and it's not like the government setting up kind of even temporary places for them to go.

So it goes on to the, the American people to take care of us because there's no one up top who cares. Absolutely. Never forget pastor Joel Osteen, man who makes 20 million bucks a year, a month, 20 million a month. Didn't even open his doors for people suffering. No. You ain't no Jesus lover in my mind anyway.

The business owner explained that he bought 10,000 gallons worth of diesel, which is a shill of diesel. That's a lot of diesel. He bought that as a backup for his generator, for his generator, while the gallery furniture opened its locations in Houston and West Houston. They provided shelter for 200 to 300 people at each store. That's incredible. He goes on to say, he says, anybody who needs it, whether they're homeless, whether they

lost power, whether it's just wanting to come in and get something to eat, anybody who wants to come in, we're here for them. We all have a responsibility for the wellbeing of our community. And I agree with him, Jim, Mattress, Mack, Mick and Vale, honestly, all those stories. That's a real hero right there. I really like this story, the idea of someone coming out there, we really have to look after each other. Yes, we did.

That's very important even as a Satanist. I know, I believe the idea is I'm supposed to take care of my territory, but I do believe- It's in your best interest to take care of others. I do believe so. I believe that the more you help other people, the more you get back, you can do it selfishly. Sure. It's like the end of a Scrooge that monologue he does, or the idea of you becoming, you need, you want to help, you have to help.

It feels good to help. It does feel good to help. Anybody saying that you need to do it altruistically can suck it. Or they can say that too. We're sure whatever, when it comes down to it, I can help people because it makes me feel good about how great I am, and it's still in the end, it does help society. Well, okay, you did, again, kind of put a darker spin on it then. No, I brought back, I'm saying the idea that it's important that we have people out there

that are, you know, the fellow Satanists, the idea it's like, you know, you got to help people, you got to do it. You do have to help people. You have to help the tribe of humanity. The one thing I will say help, but then you don't expect nothing in return, but believe it or not, good will come to you. Also understand they'll take any opportunity to destroy you if they view you as weak, so make sure you help them, but also know for a fact that you have to kind of scare them

at the same time. All right, very nice. That's why he's mattress mac. Okay, everyone, well, thank you so much for listening to this special little episode. We hope you're doing well out there, and I need you to do well. We absolutely, because we are back on the road and we can't wait to see you. We're all revved up and ready to go. Hopefully no burge take down our plane.

No burging on our planes. Get that stupid shot. Get the jabby jab. We're going to be out there last podcast and left.com. Good. Check out where we got Des Moines coming up. We got Omaha, Detroit. We got some tickets left.

Go and grab those. Are we going to stay at the casino again in Detroit? No. Thank God. I love that. It was war. It was, you know, a casino is technically bad casino. War is my favorite game.

Yes. Because it's from Vegas Vacation. It's just war. It's the bit from Vegas Vacation. That's so fun. I always win at war. So live every day thinking that even if you could grow 19 inches of hair, some of us can. Okay.

No, you can't. You can't. I can grow it down. You can donate that. I can grow my hair down. Oh, my God. Just a bunch of kids with your chest hair on their head. Oh, what happened?

Oh, what happened? Like looking at a bunch of sports agents. I got it from Mr. Surprise. Yeah, they just like love the fact that if you had cancer, don't worry, if you get next to me, I will shed enough to put it on your head. I will give it to you. I'll cover you with my own body air. I promise I'll lick you to make you sticky and then I'll put it on top and then we're

going to laugh about how sticky you are with my spit and I'll have an Altoid in so my spit will smell good and it'll be, it'll be great. Well, that's really nice. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourself. Hail Satan. Magustalations, everyone.

Don't be a hero today. If you can. Don't force it though. Stop a robbery. But don't cause the robbery. It would be interesting for you to start the robbery and then stop it and call yourself a police officer. We'll see if you make it on the next annual hero special.

We'll see. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.