Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Holiday Dumb Dumb

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a stripper decapitates her boyfriend's Star Wars-obsessed son after having sex with him in return for drugs...AND MORE! TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. Oh, don't you feel bad for Harvey Weinstein? But guess what? So he's in the walker. If you see him going out of the courthouse, right, just like, look at all thin collars popped out of thing, cut him in Home Depot, literally lifting bags of sand. Yeah, dude, he's just doing the classic I'm too sick to work bit that every single investigative news channel covers at least once a year, usually during the holidays. Absolutely. It's hilarious. What a piece of shit. But honestly, it's Christmas. Can't you feel it in the air? Not for some. Some people, they have none of this horrible season, which is, I guess,

if you can find a way around your family with it, good for you. Congratulations. The rest of us are locked in. You know, we got Hanukkah, we got Kwanzaa. There's a series of different celebrations people could be having this time of year. I actually would like to know more about Kwanzaa, because I just don't know what to say about it. Yeah, that's great, Henry. You know what? I think that's probably for the best. We don't even need to bring it up. Is this true? I don't know why the fuck I'm asking you, Kessel. I know some stuff. But does Kwanzaa have a lot to do with yams? What do you mean? I'm asking. Wait. Well, I would, yeah, there's a smattering of food. I would assume probably yams are involved in many Kwanzaa homes.

Is there not a specific yam-based ritual or something within Kwanzaa? Well, I'm not sure. That's probably someone, maybe one of our listeners could answer that. Is Kwanzaa about me? Yeah, or is there a focus on yams? No, of course it's not about yams. But yes, I think that yams are sort of a universal treat when it comes to every single holiday season. I don't know who eats yams during the year. No one talks about yams and then all of a sudden December comes, people go yam crazy. I do think it's about branding. It's about sweet potatoes shifting. It's a pivot. It's a pivot from sweet potatoes to get in on the holiday bump for all of the vegetables that are big holiday vegetables. You got your Brussels sprouts. They're maligned for the rest of the year.

All of a sudden, from Thanksgiving to fucking Christmas time, everybody's got Brussels sprouts up to their eyebrows. I eat them every week. I love Brussels sprouts. You're a healthy guy. Carrots are big, stuffing. Yeah, carrots are very popular during this time of year. Nonetheless, what we're trying to say is whatever you're celebrating, have a wonderful celebration and be safe. And this is Side Stories. I am Ben. That is Henry. I've been Henry in the past, yeah. You have? Sometimes I wonder, man. Sometimes I wonder, am I still Henry? We talked about this last week.

Can you refuse to acknowledge my question of if you look in the mirror and you ask yourself, hey, who am I? What do I bring to the table? And this week, sometimes I know I bring stress to some people's tables accidentally and I don't mean to. But what I hope is that in my life and my life's work, I equalize the stress I bring to my family with the joy I bring to our listeners. Well, that doesn't do us any good, but of course it does help the listeners. So I would like to say this. We are so excited about, I know we're still in 2019, but 2020, it's just around the corner, just around the corner. And we have some big news coming regarding our book and regarding our book tour. Our day of reckoning is coming. And as we go from city to city on our last book tour on the left, we have to make sure it's not the last tour on the left because it's not our last tour.

We are going to continue to milk this for as long as possible. We're trying to get out there and strut and fret for you as long as our legs move. As long as Kissel's got most of his legs, we will roll him onto a stage to perform. I will happily do it. But April 2020, we are hitting the road. We are hitting, I want to say it's 19 different cities. They're up on the last podcast on left.com at LP on the left on Instagram. Check those out right now. The Patreon tickets are up for pre-sale. They will all go on sale this Friday. And the big thing is this, because part of it is that, yes, we are hawking the book, but it's because we put so much work in it. And we have to, we need to, we have to put as much work and hawk in the book as Marcus put in writing the book.

Absolutely. Well, you know what's so interesting, and I've talked about this previously. It's Christmas. I think specifically on Abling and Toppat. But what happens when it comes to these big bulk book buys? This is how most books reach the New York Times bestseller list. For example, Donald Trump Jr. has a book called Triggered, whatever. But what they do is, I guarantee you right now, in Fox News headquarters, there are boxes and boxes and boxes of this book. They bulk order them and then they will say, look how many books we sold. Boom, they're on the New York Times bestseller list, even though it's a horrible book. But we're trying to not game the system.

We're not going to game the system. So we need all of your support when it comes to buying this book. I think we need to do like 5,000 a month, and then we get to be on the New York Times bestseller list. And when I say we, I mean the collective we, we, all of us listening, last podcast on the left, if we make it on the New York Times bestseller list, we officially have ruled the world. And I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but that would be a huge, huge moment for the LPN family. All I want, I want it to be able to walk into the Supreme Court and then say, hey, how you doing? And I feel like that's one step, right? I go in there, I'll shake them all up. Is Scalia, is that the one who died? Is that the bad one who fucking died? He's dead now? He's dead, yes.

I think they could all, we could do a redo with the whole Supreme Court. Uh-huh. I feel like we could really, I mean, like, they should actually, should all get a physical test to see if they can still be a judge. Well, I certainly, I certainly don't think they should be there for life, because as we see people, the last thing they give up is their power. One of the first things, unfortunately, is their brain capacity to learn. Yes. But you know what, that's just the way it is. Back to the book. Back to the book. A part of what you're supposed to do is, so with the book tour, if you want a signed copy of this book,

it is totally optional. You can add the book as you purchase the ticket to your cart, I think that's the term. Of course. You can add it right then and purchase it right then, and then you will have a signed book when you arrive at the show, which I'm very excited for you to see. Again, this thing is beautiful. The amazing work of Tom Neely is all up in its guts, and we can't wait for you to finger this book. Tom Neely, thank you so much for everything you've done, an incredible illustrator, and hopefully his career continues to rise. And yes, Henry says it right there. Henry said it right there. We do have signed books coming. We currently are staring at 10 massive boxes full of sheets of paper that we have to sign. It's going to be a haul, but we are going to do it.

So it's our grubby prince. It's literally the only physical part of our job. Yes. Where we have to sign these pieces of paper. Marcus has already begun, and he's already told me. He's like, well, you know, I've already done a box and a half. And I was like, this is in a competition. My goal is to get vaguely blackout drunk. So I'll start putting my real thoughts on the signature. That's a good idea.

That's a great idea. I want to get to the point where I'm automatic writing on top of this page. I think that's perfect. If you do happen to see any cheesy poof fingerprints, that could be for me. If you see any pizza stains on there, that's most likely for me. If you got any sort of spaghetti sauce, that's going to be more of a Henry Zabrowski. And if any pickle juice makes its way onto any pages, you know what Marcus was doing when he was trying to eat his stress away. I pray to Satan, it's pickle juice. And I say, when you go down there, like, you don't know, because I don't know what him and Caroline's predilections are.

I keep myself in another room. I don't know if they're making love on top of these things. Oh, right. I'm just asking. I'm just saying. And also just a station programming note here from LPN. We will be taking off the 22nd until the 30th. So the LPN will be dark the 22nd through the 30th. So go back and enjoy some old shows that you like in the archives. Roundtable of gentlemen, whatever you want to listen to, those will still be there for you.

But we as a network will be off for that week. It's awesome. It's a perfect opportunity to go hoard a bunch of artillery at your parents' house. Yeah. But guys, what we've discovered a lot about Christmas is the optic and murder suicides. Crazy. Over the last month, we talked about this because we've covered a couple and then we had like two more come in last week that we ended. We opted to not cover just because they weren't even technically entertaining. There was the one guy who shot his family and then set himself on fire again.

You know, I mean, he made himself a u-log, which I guess keeps in with the holiday feeling. But we kind of want to go in a little bit of detail of horrible crimes that have happened around Christmas. Because it kind of makes me feel better about the emotional toll this holiday kind of takes on me. And I know that I'm not alone. Yes, absolutely. This is according to a Washington Post article. Retail crime increases by 30% during the holidays and then murder and other sort of violent crimes increase as well. So it's not just violent crimes. Everyone, people are stealing, murdering, doing everything horrible under the sun in the eyes right around the time of the birth of baby Jesus.

Do you think that's appropriate? I don't think that's appropriate. Well, if you mean the birth of baby Horus or the birth of baby Sirius, then maybe sure. If we want to talk about all of the various legends that were cobbled together to create the Jesus myth, then that's absolutely fine. But whatever it was, it seems to inspire, because you know, technically this is supposed to be the harvest time or something, not the harvest time. And see, maybe it's the last big party before everything goes dark for the winter. So it's strange that it also inspires people to pop off. It seems to be number one, a lot of times it seems to be economics that really make people very, very tense. Because of the kind of consumer machine well wrapped in by the book April 2020, it's coming out April 8th.

But if the consumer machine drives a lot of people, if they don't have a lot of money to high points of stress during this weird social, I want to say it's an experience, so it's a social thing. Everybody's talking about what they have and what they bought for their family or what they bought for their friends, how much money they're spending for Christmas, which bottlenecks into a time where you end up having to pay a lot of taxes, which you learned in January. You have to pay a bunch of taxes after you've spent that money. It's very scary. There's a scary time economically. It is a very scary time economically and also emotionally. If you've lost someone or if you went through a divorce, this is the first time you're without that person during a divorce or a friendship.

Like this is where emotions run high for a series of reasons. So be careful. I'm not saying we're a flatjacket to Christmas. We can trust your uncle. But at the same time, keep an eye on the family. Keep one eye open at all times. It might help to put a metal detector in front of the house or just pat down. You know which uncle we're talking about. You know what? It's not even uncles. Because at this point, yeah, your uncle's going to be rambling about whatever that's going on in the news. He's going to be rambling and saying something uncomfortable.

I'd say blow that over. The first thing you really got to look at is the cousin you barely see. Ooh. Your cousin Dwayne. Sure. I'm going to put a Dwayne in there. Definitely a cousin Eric. Could be. If he's out there, he definitely has a collection of various...

At that time, it seems harmless. It's pop culture swords and knives, right? Sure. It seems nice, but he looks at them and he sees himself in a giant set of flaming armor, cutting down every woman that for some reason didn't fall on her knees and worship him when he was working at the TJ Maxx. Could be. This is very, very important. Give him a check. And again, buy him a cup of coffee.

It might not even be a gender thing. It could just be an overall homicidal rage that's been building up and building up and bubbling over. Next thing you know, he got fired December 23rd because the office is downsizing. Boom. You got a perfect storm. Also, if you are listening and you are cousin Eric and you're a big fan of the show or if you are Aunt Linda and you're a fan of the show who also may be unhinged, don't do it this year. We got too much stuff going on.

We can't have anyone committing crimes wearing our shirt. Don't do it. Just don't. Just get out. I will send you a pin. Unless, honestly, I mean, unless it's a Spotify shirt. But that's just something else entirely. You just got to get eyeballs.

We got eyeballs on the on the shift to Spotify. So let's take a look at this story. This is, I mean, is it appropriate for the holidays? Teenager murdered teenage murdered girlfriend's parents after they raised fears. He was a neo Nazi. Hmm. Now this comes from the independent by Justin juvenile. Authorities say Buckley Confricker 43 and husband Scott were shot in their home in Virginia.

Yeah. Buckley Confricker was so disturbed by what she discovered about her teenage daughter's boyfriend that she spent a tumultuous week pushing for a breakup. By Thursday, she texted a friend saying the outspoken neo Nazi was out of their lives. Well, you know what's so interesting? You never hear about the reserved neo Nazi. They always seem to be a little bit more outspoken. They wear their emotions on their sleeves.

Literally. Normally in an insignia. Yes, absolutely. But just once I would like to hear about a soft spoken neo Nazi because they all tend to be very outspoken. No, they're the ones that are in management. Look at Joseph Mengele, who was very quiet and very polite and he loved to whistle. Love the big old glass of milk. Don't forget that.

I don't think he was polite, but that's a whole another thing. But just hours later, the family said that the 17 year old boyfriend had shot and killed Confricker 43 and her husband Scott in their rest in Virginia home. It happened around five a.m. on Friday. Well, the couple's children and relatives were inside. They had gathered to celebrate their Christmas holiday. This happened on Christmas Eve of 2017. Damn. The teen who shot himself and is in critical condition at a hospital was charged with two counts of murder on Saturday after police spent Friday investigating at the large green single family home decorated with Christmas wreaths and snowflakes.

The Washington Post generally does not name juveniles charged with crimes unless they are charged as adults. The family of a team who is from Lorton declined to comment. Now, this is because it seems to be he was talking a lot online, which about his beliefs, which is this is where we it gets difficult, right? Because I do believe in the freedom of the Internet. I do believe that in a way you're supposed to be able to express these things almost in a way it could help to engage with this person and try to turn them around, especially as an adult. He's 17 years old. He has no clue what the fuck it is that he's talking about. He is a, he's, he's, and I don't mean insult 13 age listeners, but in the realm of human beings, he is stupid.

He has no clue. He is just a boner with a hat on. Yes, I would assume he wears a hat. So on Twitter, these were just a few of his private messages. He showed a picture of a candy shop that displayed a dreidel and then he wrote, I'm going to run in there with my swastika armband right now. Okay. Wow. This is according to Coon Fricker that this is what was written in an email.

She says, I would feel a little bad reporting him if his online access was to basically be a normal teen, but he is a monster and I have no pity for people like that. He made these choices. He is spreading hate. Oh, yes. Absolutely. He is spreading hate. Oh, absolutely. He doesn't.

I'm, I'm very sorry. They all got murdered because of his bullshit. Oh, yeah. But yeah. So they said apparently it was, he had a passionate relationship with their daughter. Can you imagine hearing those words at your daughter's mouth being like it was so passionate and then it got deeper and deeper and you're like, get out of here. Well, I don't know how much passion and neo-nazi can have. I mean, by definition, I think they're supposed to be fairly reserved in not in their outspoken.

Not in their outspokenness, but in their emoting of passion. I don't think they're very passionate people. But then it becomes vaguely Romeo and Juliet-ish because the daughter was in love with the son. She didn't fully understand what he was talking about. The daughter was in love with the boy. He didn't, she didn't fully understand what the fuck he was talking about. He didn't understand how deep it had went. But then all of the parents are abuzz about his online activity.

Well, this is the, this is the big question, right, Henry? When is it right for the parents or brother or sister or just a friend to be like, yo, Becky, your boyfriend's crazy? Because at some point she'd be like, no, he's not. I knew you were going to say that. He told me none of you would like him. And then all of a sudden they get closer and closer like a clam, but they don't create a pearl when they're under pressure. They create a murder. So I honestly don't know.

How do you know when to just ease off the brakes? He, you know, would just be like, all right, ease off the gas, tap on the brake and be like, this is going to end without us interfering. I think that he needs, I mean, I personally, I think you should always express yourself and tell people like, show your friend the red flag. Show your daughter the red flags. They have to know it. They have to see it and never shut up about it and never give in, especially when, when it's something along these lines. It does get to a point where being like, well, you're my fucking daughter, you're in my house until you're 18 years old. You can figure out whatever the hell you want to, but I don't want this kid in my house.

Yeah, but then Henry, next thing you know, she storms out the front door. You're never going to see her again. She's in San Francisco like Jenae from Forrest Gump hanging out with a bunch of weirdos. God knows what's going to happen. With the Nazi version. You're going to see her on Pornhub. Is there any, is there any such thing as a Nazi version of a hippie? Yeah.

What hippies became Nazis? Ah, the whole thing. Oh man. The whole generation failed. Everything failed, but I wonder because you look at it. Yes, it's like it's damned if you do, damned if you don't, or you just handle it yourself. I was a bit, because this is more father, father, mother to like, if this is happening to your child, they're dating a neo-Nazi, they're doing this kind of thing.

I feel like you could, you got to kind of go, you got to do it like with the, like the CIA does it. Yeah. You got to do it under the cover of night. You got to scare, you got to go directly to the offender and scare them so hard that they just disappear. So you're talking about watching, taking one, taking two, channel your inner Liam Neeson and just go over there and shake things up. You know, it reminds me of a story that's true to my life. I was 12 years old. I was biking home on my Huffy.

Everyone else had the giant bike, but I had the Huffy. And these mean kids look so funny. Well, that was a tiny bike. No, it wasn't that small. It was, it was. But anyway, these kids, 17, 18 year olds, they threw a bunch of snowballs at me. They knocked me over. I'm crying.

I go home. I tell my dad, and this is one of the moments that I really love my dad for. And I'll remind him, I'm just thinking about this now. I'll remind him over Christmas. He walked over there, his brittle bones creaking and cracking like a strong German man knocked in their door and demanded to see the boys who threw the snowballs at me. The one kid hid in the bathroom as my father screamed at him and said, if you ever touch my son again, I'm going to kick your ass.

And I thought, thank you, dad. And they never bothered me again. That was a very nice memory in hindsight. I think it's important. It's a really nice memory. I think it's really, really important to lay the law down on some level because you're just saving your kids from themselves because they don't know. But when it comes to an equal, like let's say it's your friend that's experiencing this type of thing.

Sure. It's very, very tricky, especially when it comes to an abusive relationship because, as we know, exiting the relationship is the most dangerous point. And if you are a real friend, I do believe, even though it is difficult, you kind of got to do one of those, was it Operation Dumbo Drop? Yeah. You got to get in there and you got to scoop them out. You got to try to scoop them out as much as you can.

But, I mean, again, or you just inflaming the entire thing. On some level, I do believe it's kind of up to you to fucking put the hammer down. Put the hammer down because you're seeing with clarity. It is amazing how many of our plans are based off of or begin with the sentence, you know, like Operation Dumbo Drop. And then it's like, ah, yes, the plan is coming together. So that's how you learn that. That's how you learn that story.

I guess long story short, be careful out there. If someone you love is dating a neo-Nazi or just a total lunatic, that's what you have to decide for yourself. Go all in, go fully amnesian or take it easy. Let them trust that it'll work itself out. But that's up to you to decide because if there's violence there, then you got to get a shotgun. You got to get a shotgun if there's violence there.

It's weird because what do you do? Because technically, it's not my business, but your friend's getting hurt. And your friend, it's kind of like they just need backup. And sometimes it just takes, that's why everybody needs like a friend that's like animal from the Muppets. Of course. There's one friend that if the word got to it like a cousin Eddie, from National Ampun's Christmas Vacation, that'll be like, I'll handle your problem for you.

And then all of a sudden, your boyfriend that you're deeply scared of is just gone. He's just gone? Yes, now you are complicit in a kidnapping scheme and perhaps prison time will be in your future. Unless of course you get in front of a courageous jury who understands it wasn't a kidnapping, it was a kid's saving and that kid is the friend who has been abused. There are things that are legal and there are things that are right. Absolutely. Well, you know, we all want to smell good during the holidays,

but you have to be extremely careful. This story is so crazy. It's out of Los Angeles. You've just decided to tell this story. I do think it's funny. It is funny. I don't know if it's a crime. No.

But I don't know. I don't know. So this dude, he sprayed an excessive amount of air freshener, which you've done that before, Henry. Yeah, my axe days. Yeah, I remember I used to toot in my grandmother's car and she would just spray the air freshener for minutes right on my face. Definitely.

And no way did that give me some kind of strange, ancient orange side effects here. But so this guy sprays a bunch of air freshener in his car, then he lights a cigarette and then the car explodes. It happened in England. The car exploded. The unidentified man sprayed an excessive amount of aerosol spray in his car. It was parked at a Halifax in West Yorkshire.

And then he decided to light up a cigarette. I mean, this is insane. It was an enormous thing. I think it's a suicide. I think this is a suicide. But the driver, he just got out of the car, minor injuries. He was treated by first responders. West Yorkshire police said in a statement,

the situation could have been worse. The owner of a car parked on that street. According to the cops had used an air freshener can, but not ventilated his car before lighting his cigarette. The fumes exploded and blew out his windscreen, along with some windows at nearby businesses. So this is another tale of, whoa, be careful when you're going to impress your girlfriend's parents

for the first time. Remember the movie Tommy boy? The key is with cologne. Spray a cloud and walk through it. Walk through it. Absolutely. You have to be outside. It helps to be outside.

You spray a couple of sprays. You walk through and let it cling to your skin. It's good to get it on your physical skin, because then what that does is that I could be wrong, but this is what I do. I spray it under my tits, and I play one spray right above my butt crack on my lower back, right?

This is true. I do that so that body chemicals and the chemistry will create new scents. So you want your body, you want your butt crack to smell like aggressive mango or whatever the hell. Body scents are always like so insane, like Thor's armpit or something like that. No, I think I'm using one called, it's like cannibals.

It's a, technically it has like weed particles in it. You are, wait, what? It's from Fresh. You're using, you're, oh my God, Henry. No, it's just an element. No, I know. It's not everything. But Henry, it is not everything.

I just got this. I got this from Sina Ghaznavi that is a friend of our, a deep, deep friend of our show. It's one of my best friends in the world. And he always smelled delicious. Yes. As a man, I used to grab him and I used to smell his neck because of how good he smelled.

Yes. So I put it on myself. Sina smells great. Right, right, right. Okay. It's a good Christmas present. You guys look totally different, but that's a whole other thing.

But why not? Cannabis does not need to be in everything. I don't do it all the time. That is my travel clone. And I have another clone that I use, privé million. We are going to end up going through a Arkansas airport for some random reason. And you are going to get murdered by a police dog

because in Arkansas, maybe they're still sniffing from marijuana or something. No, they never. You are going to get your sniffs ripped off. False news. That's disinformation. You're going to get your sniffs ripped off. They don't smell for weed anymore.

That's what they say. Nah, man, I've never, I go in there, I put those dogs all the time. You bring some bacon from the fucking cafe and shit. They're fucking, they become your friend. You can bring anything in there. You can be loaded with C4. You can bring a couple of strips of bacon

to a fucking airport dog. You also ride through that, man. All right. Well, that easy. These are all just Christmas tips. Honestly, there's a lot of traveling. There is. There is.

So lastly, the police say, be careful and follow guidelines when using air freshener cans. Why does it have to be? Why are there those guidelines on the cans? Why does there have to be? Oh, they literally put it on the can say, hey, don't hot box a car with this

and then set yourself on fire. I mean, that is why they have to put those things on cans because people like this, he's like the guy, he's like the woman who spilled the hot coffee McDonald's. Yes, he doesn't deserve to be alive. But that was legit. That was legit. Have you ever seen?

Oh my God. Are you, are you kidding me? Look up the burns on that woman's pussy. Look it up. I swear to God. No, I understand. Look up right now on your phone, woman with burned pussy McDonald's coffee.

You want me to look it up just like that? This is how you would search for it? Oh my God. Look at how bad the burns were on that old woman's vagina. Oh my God. That's what I'm saying. That's how hot it was. Well, that's a little too hot there.

That's what I'm saying. That's why they did that. Oh my God. That's why this is not her fault. Wow. I never, whoa. Holy, for those out there at home, basically, that was some hot coffee.

It must have been 150, 200 degrees in there and it looks like she's probably got fourth degree burns. Pretty brutal. It's not good. Not good at all. So, okay, I sympathize with her, but at the same time, it's like, you knew coffee was hot.

You got to be careful with it. You know it's hot. But yes, there was no reason for that coffee to be that hot. I understand. Okay. Let me read this story from a listener. This comes from A. It's called Santa and a Flamethrower.

Uh-oh. I have a crazy ass story for you from my tiny hometown of Covina, California, made famous by my crazy ex-girlfriend, which I think that it's that musical show. Oh, okay. Christmas of 2008. Bruce and Sylvia Pardo are in the midst of a messy divorce, which was finalized a week before.

In addition, Bruce was fired that July. Oh, see, this is kind of what we were talking about. Cousin Bruce. Oh, is not having a good 11th day of Christmas. Nope. Bruce was a real asshole. He did not disclose that he had a child from a previous relationship and refused to share his funds with Sylvia and her three children,

forcing her to be their sole provider. Cut to December 24th. Every year, Sylvia's family has a Christmas party. Usually a cousin or uncle would dress up as Santa. So when Sylvia's eight-year-old niece opened the door to see Santa, she didn't think twice. Bruce, dressed as Santa, proceeded to open fire on the little girl,

then across the room indiscriminately, he had a homemade flamethrower in tow. Oh, my God. After emptying his guns, he proceeded to set off the homemade flamethrower. Out of the 25 partygoers, nine were killed and three were wounded. Jesus.

Christmas time is here. Yeah. Christmas time is here. Well, Bruce fled to his brother's apartment in Northridge, suffering third-degree burns from the flamethrower. Realizing he couldn't explain his injuries, he proceeded to break into the apartment and shoot himself in the head.

Oh, my God. Police discovered a parked car in his name with clothes, money, and documents, indicating they had planned on fleeing the country. In addition, after a police search, it was discovered that his apartment was a virtual bomb factory, like a Santa's workshop. Isn't that interesting?

He could have just blamed the burns on McDonald's coffee, it sounds like, but I guess he wasn't thinking ahead. No. No. Sylvia, her parents, four of her siblings and a teenage daughter passed that night. Damn. That was burned down and has since had another rebuilt.

Certainly nothing going on in that house, I bet. Oh. Katrina, the eight-year-old niece who opened the door and was shot in the head is now 18, has become an advocate against gun violence, which I'm honestly is nice, and it wasn't that she's collected many exotic guns. Damn.

She and her friends created videos and participated in walkouts and solidarity of the Parkland shooting, which is very nice. In regards to the attacks she has said, I know my family, my angels are here watching me. They're seeing I'm finally going to make a difference and stand up for something that needs to be changed.

I'm fighting for them. That is very nice. Thank you. So the question here is then, because the Santa disguise, which is what it is, you want to call it a costume, go for it, but it is a disguise.

All Santa is, is a man watching you sleep, counting your sins, like a perverted, like he's Chuck Berry, but with covered in magic dust, with a sleigh. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I think Chuck Berry was covered in a lot of dust himself, and God knows. There was certainly a lot of gifts that were,

that kept on giving for that guy. But when it comes to Santa Claus, you got to knock on the door, you open it up, you see a Santa Claus, you got to ask him to take the beard off. You got to be like, get the beard off. Show me your face. Well, there's a lot of people that say dogs just

trust people with beards, because it hides so much of their face, but actually Wendy doesn't seem to mind. I actually never heard that before, but I guess it makes sense. But I feel like, how do you know though, is it creepy Uncle Charlie,

or is it truly Santa Claus coming to give you gifts? The problem is that, like many things that have been predicated upon these myths, right? Again, if you're a child listening to this, please shut this off. But if you're not a child listening to this, I mean, I'm talking about an actual child,

I'm talking about a nine-year-old. All right, if you're 12, unfortunately the internet has made you a full-grown adult. Yeah, yeah. But I would say, you know, Santa Claus, if he's real or not, I think it's out there,

I think there's truth out there. But the problem is that the people are manipulating this story, where it's because he shows up, dresses Santa Claus, and of course the niece is going to be like, Santa Claus, you know, and then his first thing is like,

good little present for you little girl. It's like, oh, I hope it's a toy twerk, and he's just like, no, it's a Remington. And then that's very, very scary. I mean, that's going to ruin Christmas for a lot of people. I imagine that the children that survive, they're not going to look upon Christmas

as a time of joy anymore. No, I have no idea what the answer would be here, but I'm going to do this. Alexa, Alexa. Hey, Alexa. Hey, Alexa, is Santa Claus real? All right, let us know what your Alexa said. That's brutal, Kissel, that you would do that.

No, that's, I wonder what Alexa is going to say. I actually, I have more, I weirdly have more of a compunction of keeping the Santa myth alive than any other of the very large myths. Okay, hold on. It's a home invasion, number one. Richard Ramirez is Santa Claus, right?

But he's not bearing gifts. He's bearing a lot of knives in your chest. But no, of course, I never believed in Santa Claus. My parents said Jesus is the reason for the season. So yes, it was another made up sort of an amalgamation of different characters and storylines.

You had your Christmas taken from you by evangelism. That's different. No, we still celebrated Christmas, but we did not celebrate Santa Claus in Christmas. Did you, did you have to like say thank you to your father? Did it say like from dad, from mom on the gifts? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, my dad made, he definitely made sure that we knew that he bought it because it was very expensive stuff that he would buy us. We're not really. I remember the one year that really solidified, the one year that really solidified

like my belief as a young kid about Christmas, about Santa Claus on Christmas, was that I remember that, you know, we always get, there was always gifts under the tree that was like one was, you know, mom, well, from mom, this one's from mom and dad, you know, from your sister's brother, you know, like from Jackie, from Jessica.

But then I had one year there was like from Santa Claus and we're like, oh, what's Santa Claus do? And it was all these pictures of us asleep. It's like frame pictures of us sleeping. And I was like, huh, wow. I guess Santa does watch us. So your parents just broke into your room and took pictures of you sleeping thinking,

oh, Henry Thomas is going to love this in the morning. What they actually said was that they didn't take those pictures or put the present under the tree at all. And I was like, that's and, whoa, I guess Santa is real. That is the creepiest thing. It's not even a gift. No, it is not real.

I wish it was real. That's actually a really good idea to do to your kids. Oh my goodness. Show them a bunch of iPhone footage. Santa texted me this from last night. Like you get somebody from like Alaska to text you a video of doing a walk through your house, right? And watching everybody sleep, checking all the locks.

You watch them see there. You see him like getting into the backseat of the car and going to sleep, waiting for your parents to wake up and go to work. Honestly, you know what though? Now, the more that I think about it, okay, when we were growing up, let's talk the 80s, right? I was born in 81, but I was nine years old by the time

90s came. If you still believe in Santa Claus at nine years old, I got a bridge to sell you and you probably need to go to a different kind of classroom. That's so sad. The thing is that you believe that. No, this is the, that is just the reality, Henry. You're so weird.

I know. I'm saying now. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't even, this is the first time I, this is the first time I felt like this. I hate Christmas. But you love Santa Claus. I don't know, man.

There's something about the idea of making kids believe that this man's coming and eating a bunch of cookies and fucking God knows what he else is, he's tracking around the house. Well, good. This won't be the right political climate for Santa Claus to be doing what Santa Claus could be doing with Jeffrey Epstein and the pedophile rings getting busted.

If we find out Santa Claus is the top of the tip of the sphere on that, which is extremely possible. He's the one making the list. I mean, it's disgusting what's happening. Just fucking one blurry picture at Mar-a-Lago with the fucking Epstein eating canapes and like, who's that guy in that red suit back there? Oh my God.

Yes. And S-Clause was present at the December 2012 Christmas party for pedophiles. I wish they changed the name of the party. Well, they had to know where to go. By the way, the Catholic church, they're being sued by a lot of victims now. The Pope Pope Francis is on the line.

The, it's called, what is it called? Papal secrecy. Papal secrecy. It's some stupid. No, it's like, it's different than that, but it's some Papal secrecy, whatever. The Pope has a lot to hold secrets. That Catholic church, it's worth $15 billion, by the way.

Melt it down. Melt the Vatican down. It's gonna get nasty. Melt it down. Be a lot of gold. But if you're a kid, Henry, you got ring now. Cameras are all over the place. You got that little snitch, the little elf on the shelf.

How could you even begin to believe in Santa Claus? At least in the 80s, we had a Teddy Ruxpin, but he had no camera. You had to put a tape in. It wasn't real robots. It wasn't real animation. No, it's true. But now if you're-

No, it's just too time- Things are changing. If you were six years old, though, why wouldn't you just be like, oh, great, mommy, daddy, I'm gonna watch the cameras and see if Santa Claus is coming on my little device here?

Well, you gotta be more clever as a parent, number one. You gotta show up in a big, crampus uniform. First of all, do a crampus, like, go through. So they are dutifully scared of Christmas and them going through a long list of each one of their sins, so they know. But they're also slyly getting everyone used to the surveillance state.

I know what they're doing. Elf on the shelf, in a way, is the kind of almost getting you- It's like, it's muppet babies for a military takeover of this entire country. Oh, my God, absolutely. I've been ranting about the elf on a shelf for years. I call it the snitch on the stoop.

It is ridiculous to even have that story in my house. It will never be allowed. And I don't know why everyone has cameras in every one of their children's rooms. They don't want to know what's going on in there. And I find it to be quite disturbing. But people are very concerned with their kids. I feel like even when we were going up-

Oh, my God, this is the safest time, but this is the safe truly, actually. Crime statistics are down where the lowest crime rates in human history. I mean, it's totally fine. Kids are like Tostito's cheese dip. They're so easily scoopable. Yeah, but no one actually...

No one wants your kid. Is it like... I don't want one. If I had a kid, I know for a fact. Like, what are you gonna do? You're gonna break in? You're gonna go through the window? You're gonna grab my big kid?

My kid is gonna be covered in snot. He's gonna be like... Damn! Please take me. Like, whatever he's gonna... The difference is that you were Frankenstein's monster as a child. So, yeah, you wouldn't maybe be have been scooped.

Every child is more gross than good. I mean, I'm with you. I think children are disgusting. But I do... I get it. Why people... But nowadays, people are way more concerned with the welfare of their kids

and they want to watch them every minute of the day. They really do. And I don't know why because I wouldn't want to see that. I am... I am... Like, my family grew up.

We had a no-closed-door policy. I would have an only-closed-door policy. Nail it shut. But what I would then do, I would do full-on surveillance sweeps of their entire room. That's where I also know I don't believe they deserve.

I don't want to see what they're doing, but I don't believe a child deserves privacy. I would be going through every single inch of their fucking history. I'd go through their entire closet. I'd be looking for the guns. I'd be looking for the manifestos because you got to.

You got to stay up all night. You have to. We've watched... Henry and I watch a lot of prison shows. You know, in the guards, they put on the gloves and they're doing their shake-down. It's for them.

It's to protect themselves against themselves. I'm looking for razor blades. I'm looking for illegal tattoo guns. God knows these kids are doing a lot of illegal tattoos. I want to... I feel like they should be allowed to express themselves.

If they have a bunch of pruno in the corner of their room, I'm going to have to be like, this is ridiculous. Give it to daddy. This is where I think you are going to Totalitarian. I think they should be allowed

to be sommoliers and they should be allowed to... They should be allowed to make art if they want to. Yeah, but that's anyway. I'm just saying. So Santa Claus, I just feel like,

and let us know side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Do kids still believe in Santa Claus? Isn't that the question for the time? Isn't it? Isn't it? I don't really care about the answer, honestly.

I don't care if they believe in Santa Claus. I'm just saying. It's a nice, fun thing. It's something that's fun. It's something fun about this whole bullshit thing. How many families have to die on Christmas? Well, all right.

Let's talk about it. Look at this one. All right. Stripper 43. This one comes from the DailyMail.com. So this happened this week. So I'm going to say that this is a Christmas story.

A stripper dancer, hey, DailyMail.com. I don't know. Whatever. She decapitated her boyfriend's Star Wars-obsessed disabled son after having sex with him

in return for drugs. Wait, wait. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. It was found guilty. Hold on. Can you just go back for one second? Decapitated her boyfriend's

Star Wars-obsessed disabled son after having sex with him in return for drugs is maybe the craziest headline that we have read all year. Yes. That's insane. It's only for Christmas.

Okay. A stripper faces life imprisonment after she was convicted on Thursday of decapitating her lover's son with whom she was having sex in exchange for prescription drugs and money.

Rona Cheryl Mills, 43, of Rural Retreat, Virginia, which, wow, I can't believe this happened in Virginia of all the most beautiful states in the world, which charged with first-degree homicide in the death of Bo White.

White, 29, was found dead in Lerona, West Virginia, home on April 1, 2018. His body was found in his home while his head was located later in a wooded area. Damn. God, good Lord.

Not good. Not good. You're right. A conviction of first-degree murder in West Virginia carries a sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Sittler said that Mills took advantage of Bo White, who the prosecutor described as an awkward, sickly shut-in who didn't have a life. Thank you. You didn't need to insult him. You didn't need to insult the victim.

I know. Why did they do that? Again, this is the description. An awkward, sickly shut-in who didn't have a real life. You've already decapitated me. You really didn't have to do that. Can you just make it up

and just be like, he had promises of playing at Boston College University under the rugby squad? Anything but roasting him after he has been decapitated. Sittler speculated that she traded sexual favors in exchange

for medication that he was prescribed. She knew that this is according to the prosecutor, his father introduced him to a manipulative woman. She knew Bo had a pocket of full of pills and a pocket full of cash. Jesus Christ.

What are you? A true crime documentary narrator? Indeed. So Bo White lived off a disability allowance and loved playing with Star Wars figures. Dude, the thing is... Mills was introduced to Bo White. I don't know why I'm doing this

to everyone for Christmas. I'm doing... It's the same thing that you did with the bumpy Mills on Thanksgiving. Mills was introduced to Bo White by his father, James, a truck driver who had a years-long sexual relationship with her while she worked as an exotic dancer

at the Southern Exposure Club. Ooh. Well, honestly. Southern Exposure, which I think it's just a bottomless place. I think so, fully covered up top. I'm looking at pictures of this woman, and I have to say Southern Exposure,

not exactly hiring the best and the brightest out there in the adult entertainment world. How did she get a job? You throw some makeup on her, and it's really just about... It's a big throw. If she honestly,

she was a fun woman, you know? I don't know, man. I don't think she was. She was addicted to pills, and she killed this kid who obviously was mentally challenged. And it's possible... She was a dancer,

and then bottoms off, tops on bar. I don't know. But obviously... If it's Bush only, which I'm fine with, but Bush only speaks to a certain crowd. Yes, it absolutely does.

The kind of crowd who would pay a woman to show them her legs, show them her legs after she'd just be headed this boy. It looks like the jury could recommend mercy on her, though, which would make the person eligible for parole

after serving 15 years in prison. I'm gonna say this. She's gonna get off very, very easy. According to authorities, Mills bludgeoned Bo White until he was unconscious. She then cut off his head with a kitchen knife

and stabbed him repeatedly. That's very, very difficult to do. And then a witness testified that Mills casually asked to borrow gasoline in a chainsaw from him. That meant Mills needed to use cheap kitchen knives

to cut up Bo White and sever his head from his body according to Sittler, who compared it to cutting up a chicken. What is this process? What is happening? Jesus Christ! After the grisly murder,

Mills went through Bo White's pockets to get pills and cash. Prosecutors say then she sent a text message to a friend that read, Let's Party. Okay. Well, I guess it was time

to have a little bit of fun. All right. So that's that story. In Christ with this shit. Guys, it's Christmas time. I guess, I mean, you know, it's difficult. Do you think that there is an uptick?

This is actually, this is probably a good question for a lot of our listeners. And we have a lot of people that are dancers that listen to the show, which is great. Do you guys feel there's an uptick

in business in the holiday season? Or is there a downtick? Is this a slow time or is this an uptime? I think it depends on the business. It's certainly a good time for trees. So the defense for mills. It's a bad time for trees.

Cheese are getting cut down. Yeah, but they get replanted like three times. They get like, they plant a bunch of them. Mill's defense attorney claimed that it was James White, Beau's father that killed him,

because Jimmy was very jealous. This is according to Mill's lawyer, Sid Bell. He said, Our theory is that Jimmy White was jealous of her relationship with Beau. And Jimmy White is a terrible person. So that's what they're,

they're trying to pin it on the guy. My goodness, I think it's probably just about pills and the little bit of money that that dude had in his pocket. I mean, seriously, killing someone over pills, are they, I mean,

it's just like, it's the easiest drug to get in America right now. But if the, you literally just go to a West Virginia, fix them up doctor, which you can find,

that literally will just give you shit. If you just go like, Oh man, I'm having trouble sleeping. That's how my mom gets pills. My mom is a fucking pile. She's a pharmacy of Michael Jackson sleep aids.

Well, in her fucking medicine cabinet. That's why Florida is oftentimes the place where the feds go to arrest a whole bunch of doctors for giving a lot of oxy content to kids who may not need it. But it just seems to me like,

you got to get out there and you got to find your own pills. If you can't figure out how to get pills on your own, you know what, you just don't deserve them. Then you don't even really need them. If you can't figure out how to get them,

and this is certainly no way to do it. I mean, I don't even know. I feel like there's a lot of, I think that's actually the opposite. I don't know. I'm just saying that, you know, ah man,

you know, have some egg dog. That's a nice relaxing drink. If you feel like you need a bunch of oxys. The way they describe, the way they describe this kid as like a Star Wars kid, you just play with his toys,

he's awkward. I think she could have just taken them. I think she could have just beat them up, which is better than beheading him, and just taking them. I just don't think she needed to do this. Obviously this person's a cycle path. You're right, Kissel.

Correct. You're right. Thank you. I know. I know. Here we go. Now this is a letter from, I think that I'm going to,

he says here to say his name, but I'm always hesitant. Oh, just say the name. Just say the initials. They know who it is. So this comes from AP. This is a letter called Holiday Dum Dum. He's like,

I just want to say the story plays on Ben's remark made on the side stories episode that came out the day before Thanksgiving, where he said, just make it to the new year in regards to harming yourself or others. This story is also making light of what I thought to be normal

as a kid growing up and what an idiot I am with my poor decision making and finding a little joy in the harsh times and the person in this story would love the way I tell it. In 2015, I was on a journey to lose weight. 2015 to 2019,

they went from 400 pounds to 190. Fucking congrats. Wow. After I lost 100 pounds, my older brother suggested I date his coworker. Who would be perfect for me? He proceeded just to describe this woman

as short, great body, even great better sense of humor, and a recovering addict, which is a lot of times what happens to a large dude that becomes skinny. You do end up dating some really fun recovering addicts, but it's nice

because they want a nice guy. They want to meet somebody who's nice. Okay. I didn't know that was a common trope, but all right. It does seem to be. Okay. I immediately declined

due to that last detail. He tried to just gloss over. Once later, when I was drinking with some friends, I was introduced to Alex. Alex was the sharp-witted, self-aware, gorgeous petite redhead. We struck up a brief conversation

for what I was intent on leaving the bar. I was currently at it. I wanted to go home and blaze a big fat bowl of boots. Okay. Now we're into this once brief conversation. Alex knew she had me. I knew she had me.

Then she says, this is going to sound so strange, but your brother says that we would be perfect together. Uh-oh. Now when I lost all that weight, it started with the struggle of identity. A struggle that has continued into 2019.

When that struggle of identity is present and makes a person easily manipulated, especially when a beautiful woman is involved. Okay. Fast forward. This sounds like this is not going to be a good story. Fast forward a year and a half later, Alex and I are living together.

My gut is telling me something isn't right, and you should. Always listen to your gut. Well, I can't sleep. It's also got them to be 400 pounds. You don't need to listen to your gut because I've been trying to lose weight again because I've been on this roller coaster my whole life,

and I will be losing weight next year so we can go on our journey together, fans. But sometimes you shouldn't listen to your gut. But it is difficult. Because your gut's like, good pizza, good pizza. Well, Uber Eats and my gut are arguing quite often, but the sad thing is they both agree with each other

and then my brain has to be like, no, no, but sometimes. No, they're doing backdoor politics. Yeah. So he says, my gut is telling me something isn't right. I can't sleep. I stand up and pace back and forth

until I go out to her car at 3 a.m. I found her pay stubs and a bottle of Tylen, all those full of prescription pill capsules that were empty. The pay stubs were relevant because she was telling me she was making about $400 less than what her pay stubs reflected.

So this girl was ripping me off and hiding a relapse. But understand this, this is outside the letter. If you go snooping, if you want to go find something, you're going to be very regretful of what you find. That's right.

That's how it always is. But I always find the Luciferian lamp light of knowledge is more important than anything else. Ah, sometimes. So once confronted, she convinced me to partake in illicit drug use with her over the course of the months to come.

Man, it got you good, dude. Uh-oh. On Thanksgiving, I snorted heroin for the first time. Ah, Thanksgiving. Just as I lifted my head from the table where the line of drugs once was, I hear my mom shout from upstairs,

dinner's ready. After that, I never touched heroin or Alex again. The next year, 2016, it was right before Christmas when I was cleaning the house Alex and I rented. That was finishing out the lease on. I found some sentimental belongings

that I knew Alex would want back. It's a trick. I messaged her on Facebook and she told me to come by her parents' house on Christmas to give her the things. Christmas day comes and I go to deliver the items to Alex. Her stepdad meets me outside

and suggests its best. Her and I don't see each other. You two are like a fire to gas station, he said. Respectfully, I agreed. Handed her items to him and left. I immediately messaged her telling him I didn't realize the effect

they still had in her emotional state. And then the following days, we would video chat with each other where she told me she was actually doing worse than let on. Nobody, get out of there, buddy. On January 9th, 2017, she messaged me and said,

I'm waving my white flag and going to rehab this week. I didn't respond. I didn't respond because not only was I at work, but seeing the track marks on her arm and the previous video call was just too traumatic for me and I needed to retreat

through my own emotional stake. And also, I didn't respond because I didn't obviously, I didn't believe it. If you're not at rehab or five minutes away this week, never comes for addicts going to rehab. But this is what you're dealing with. Your heart was broken.

I will say this AP. On January 11th, 2017, Alex passed away. Now, my mom is an old school Italian woman who over the years has progressively gotten legendary of how awful her presence have been for holidays and birthdays. But since she was raised by nuns

and cocaine mules for the mafia in 1960s Niagara Falls, it's kind of funny. You just glossed over an incredible story that I wish I had heard. On my birthday this year, she told me she and my dad were donating their bodies to science when they die. This is the thing out of her mouth

before she said happy birthday when she saw me. But in 2017, my birthday was, my birthday was five weeks after Alex's death. I came home drunk and from sad, from celebrating with my friends and on my bed, my mom left a gift. A large stack of ill-fitting jeans from Walmart with a couple of sarcastic t-shirts

that only boomers respect. At the bottom of this stack of clothes was an inappropriately large frame photo of Alex and I when we were at our best. I cried myself to sleep and the next morning my mom simply asked, too soon? That year for her birthday, I gave her a frame picture

of her and her mother who just passed away. As well as a picture of my mom's evil aunt who was still alive. On the picture of this evil aunt, I attached a sticker that just said, $5 says she's next. Hell, yourselves, boys. There you go.

Kind of a fun gift for the family. Who's dying? Let's get a picture and give it to each other as a gift. It's nice they framed it. All right. Well, that's very interesting. Great story. Very sad. Sorry for Alex. That's very sad, but hey man.

But you just get up every day and you keep moving. You surprise how much can change. You change yourself and you change your mind. These things are brutally sad. But sometimes when I found myself in the deepest, darkest throes of depression, what has happened to me, I did suffer what you would call a vague

secret breakdown in 2017. And I used to have to lift my legs off the bed in order to get up and come to the show and do voices for a living. It was important to do it. I don't want to break it to you, Henry. The breakdown wasn't very secret. Okay, let's do this just quickly.

This is kind of a story for you, Henry. This California dude, he bit off an ear of his father in a Mormon church party and then his dad tried to glue it back together. I thought this was just kind of fun. The dude's name is Josea Moses Montu. He was getting into a fight. They got into a fight.

And then his dad tried to break it up. He ended up biting his father's ear off and then his dad is like, hey, buddy, I'm not going to let my kid do this to my ear. So his father got into his car and went to buy superglue. The father drove about 20 minutes

before stopping at a Dollar Tree more than 15 miles from the church to buy superglue. Deputies found the father before he could try to do his ear back together and called an ambulance for him. Customers at the Dollar Tree were stunned at the father's response with one describing

it as the kind of hack people would use in the past. This is according to Crystal Edwards. She says, I feel like that would have been a wartime kind of fix. That's not something you would necessarily do in a modern situation when you have medicine all around you. But let's not forget

they're Mormon. They are going to take care of it the way they do. Another person at the station, Pierre Rector Rector also expressed shock saying, at least he's saving money by going to Dollar General. Crystal Pareda added,

that's extreme, that's a man for you, duct tape and superglue. So this guy actually seemed to swing, seemed to win over a couple of these maybe horned up ladies at the Dollar General by his masculine antics.

And the Mormons, they don't need to be cheap because they have been hoarding $100 billion in tax exempt donations that debt as a whistleblower just came out fucking two days ago saying, well we'll cover this when we come back from the break. We'll talk about this story more

in depth. How is that money trickling down though? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if the family that has a son that bit the ear off of his father and then his father went to superglue and put it back on or really at the top of the Mormon food chain. They're not.

I don't know if they're going to get any of that money because it still works. I don't think so either. Anyway, so that's just kind of a crazy tale. So when you're hanging out with your parents and you're like, I hate you, Dad. How could you like Trump or something or how could you like the Minnesota Vikings? You must be a cook.

Then you can say, you know what, you're not that bad, Dad. I'm not going to bite your ear off. And if you're a dad and your son he's like, I don't want to have the family band. He says, I have the family band. Yeah, he says that, oh, don't know. I am, they call me the snake boy

at all these underground fart parties I go to. Whatever it might be. Just know that at least your son is biting your ear off. So that's the whole point of today's episode, perspective and recognizing that your family, it could always be worse.

It could always be worse. But you know, again, we just bit the ear off and it only takes 12 pounds of pressure to pull a human ear off. Is that right? Yep. So let's take a look at this letter. This is, I don't know if this is keeping with Chris the spirit, but I was just really happy

to read it. This came from N. Hey, nerds, you all have been saying goon a lot in these, the diazian hasn't called for episodes. You have been saying, you said goon a lot, which is again, the G word for big people, not appropriate, inappropriate, tall people are the better people

and just because we keep you people alive, just because we don't... I'll let you hang yourself for your own news. So each time I hear I think about the eloquent urban dictionary definition of gooning. At the term you should, and I have no doubt, we'll introduce to your lexicon. So I

looked it up and this is what it reads. Okay, this is gooning. This is the top definition of gooning. Okay. Gooning may be the most simply defined as the state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized

by the feeling radiating his penis. Since a gooning state can only be achieved after edging, the man's dick will have become mightily aroused at this point and every caress the male genitals are subjected to will trigger potent elation. As the man keeps edging on this experiencing

intense pleasure, he enters a state of trance where his mind intimately merges with his cock. The gooning state where he and his dick become one to be even more accurate when the gooning state is achieved, the man's body becomes for all intents and purposes an appendage

of his erection. When this state is achieved, the male becomes freed of all social codes of conduct and his arousal alone dictates his reactions. As a result, a gooned out man will become very expressive and demonstrative. He may become very vocal while

his body and face might take on undignified expressions and poses, all in response to the intensely exquisite caresses his penis is exposed to. Hence the term goon since at this point the man effectively looks like a silly, foolish, or eccentric person.

Gooning is not a narcissistic manifestation. Narcissism is extreme selfishness with a grandiose view of one's own talents. Rather, gooning is closer to a meditation experience where the mind and the body aligned, focused on a single thought

feeling in this case, and to be used in a sentence, it says, I spent ten hours gooning over the weekend. Alright, well there it is, very informative. Leave it up to the Urban Dictionary to tell you the truth about what words mean. So gooning,

it's an edging situation. You know about edging. You know what? No, I don't because I've never done it, I've never understood why anyone would do it. I think it's one of the strangest phenomenons that's ever happened. When I made my bits about me doing the pre-boner,

I guess that is edging. Alright, okay. Is this bad? I don't think it's bad. You can do whatever you want. Is it good radio? I don't know if it's good radio, but it definitely makes for a great podcast. We're not cutting to commercials for Muffler Man

or anything. Alright, I think it's time for Hero of the Week. Hero of the Week Hero of the Week Hero This week's hero is Canadian. Isn't that nice? We haven't given Canadians a lot of love, but we should give them

more love because they're wonderful people. Thanks for all coming out to the shows. I've loved every Canadian I've met. Alright, so a Canadian skater rescued a family of deer from a frozen lake. This could have gone the way of Bambi, but instead it is going

the way of Hero of the Week. Well, this is important because we had to have a very long conversation about what denotes a hero because you wanted to have the hero be, I think, you wanted it to be the axe spray guy. No, I didn't want it to be the spray guy. I would say this is

the Canadian skater who found the deer on the frozen lake or the young girl who accidentally flicked off everyone when she was dressed up as an angel. She's a toddler. She had a hangnail on her middle finger and she jerked and she flipped off everyone that was watching their recital. I think

that was also a heroic move, but you don't think that that was. And then also... It just turns us sort of into like an ABC Good Morning show. It's just funny. It's cute because she's a girl giving a middle finger. She didn't mean to do it. She didn't know what that meant in our society. I think she should be caned for that.

I do not think so. Or there was another possible hero of the week, which was those two dogs who found that 65-year-old million, that 65-million-year-old fossil who they could have also been a hero of the week, but maybe they just found it on accident. I don't know because they're dogs and they can't talk. They did not choose

about the whole thing as about a hero as a hero a lex to do something heroic. A mother and her two fawns were found splayed on the ice Henry and this Canadian skater was bold enough to stop and give them the help they needed. He approached

gingerly, but had gravity on his side. This is what he had to say. He said, if they're upright, they can kick you. But once they're done on the ice, their legs are flat out and they can't lift them. So he went on to say I figured I'd go back and eat lunch

and grab some rope. I gave them about an hour or so. They were still in the same place when I came back and that's when I pulled them into the shore. So yes, I knew I saw them out there and I knew I was like, do I let them die? I have to think about it because I can try to kill these deer

for years. Why am I saving them? No. Yes, he did take a small hour break to go get lunch. So that does sort of like that. Very Canadian, though. It is very, very Canadian. So Canadian. It is like ridiculous. So

he got the dough. They that ran away. Peterson returned for the two fawns looping the quarter around both their necks and pulling them towards the shore. When they reached the rocky outcropping, their mother was waiting. Look at that. It remains unclear

when the family of deer ended up on the ice. According to the sky, he said, I'm not entirely sure how they walked all the way out there, but they definitely walked out there. That is great, man. There you go. So congratulations,

Ryan Peterson. You are this week's hero of the week. Also, we unfortunately need to do a little bit of correcting last week of our entire tone of celebrating the pigeons with hats on from Las Vegas

because it turns out they are indeed super glued to these pigeons' heads and they are dying. The feathers falling out of the sides of their heads, they can't eat and they had it go and remove. It's fucking horrible because all we did was talk about how cute and fun it was last week.

Everybody's mad. To be fair, we did say if that is the case, we're not for it. We gained ourselves an escape hatch. Absolutely, and of course, when it comes to the pigeon advocacy group, we're with you and I'll donate ten bucks. I'm going to donate ten bucks to the pigeon advocacy group.

I did not realize they were super glued, like the man, the Mormon man who tried to super glue his ear. So the pigeons deserve that. We didn't know. But again, it's just, you know, where do you get so many tiny cowboy hats? Is there stores?

You go to China. You order them from China. Again, if they had straps, that's great. Yes, of course, because then they can put them on in the morning and take them off at night like a real cowboy. Yeah, we're going to go to the rodeo. Yes.

That is a sad non-fact. So they're dying. They're fucking skulls. Yeah, it's not good, man. Merry Christmas. Again, if you want to share any stories with us, go to sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com.

Also, feel free to share with us good stories, too. Because sometimes we're going to need those. In January, we're going to need them once people are on their holiday hangover. Isn't there more? I believe there's an uptick in murders during the holidays and suicides immediately

after New Year's. I don't know. It's just a hard time for a lot of people. And so just remember, and I would say this to everybody, this is one of those coming from your neighborhood fucking monster. It's a good time to express kindness to people

because you don't know what the hell they're going through. Yeah. You don't know what anybody's going through. It's all high pressure. It's a high pressure situation out there. And maybe this is the time to offer a little bit of patience

and a generosity. Absolutely. You never know who's making a list and checking it twice, but they're not Santa Claus, they're the next mass shooter. So you want to get your name off the naughty list, onto the nice list, and you should

be safe. Okay, everyone, thank you all so much for listening. Happy holidays to everyone and magustalations. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Oh, yeah. They always say that there's a war on Christmas,

or on Christmas. Well, currently we're still in the longest war in US history. Oh, that's just background noise to keep our war economy going. It's fun. So make sure you live every day knowing you're going to get to 2020 vibrant.

We're all going to put on a little bit of holiday pounds, but that's just fun. That's fun to do. Unleash it. Laugh as you get to your mom's house and you're like, oh. Maybe she put out a pile of dark chocolates, but also ham croquettes. Fucking just slamming your system.

There is no such thing as calories on a vacation. That's true. Fucking feel it. Feel it this fucking love. Feel it this fucking week, man. Live, laugh, love. Love, you fellow man. Got to. We're all just

one entity connected to a universal consciousness. So imagine each person you meet is just another spoke of the same cloud of unconsciousness that we're all part of. So when you're nice to someone else, you're actually in a way nice to yourself. And that's a good way

to help us, especially those including me who are more selfish, to go out there and actively be nice to other people. Well, you know what, Grinch? I think your heart grew two and a half times the same. Yes, indeed. Look at that. Henry Zabrowski in the holiday season.

Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves! Hail Satan! Congratulations. Hail me. Have a great holiday. Have fun. Be safe. Do it. Do it. Hey, get those tickets to April 2020. Yes, please.

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