Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: I Saw The Sign

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this weeks' true crime news: spy whales, a UFO disclosure update, Kai the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker, the surprising origins of Ace of Base, and MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started back on the scene feeling mean feeling mean on the scene baby the classic kissles a browse key connection I'm feeling gay is a bird today man that's how I feel oh do you think all birds gay I hope that they are that would make them happy sure whatever oh you're seeing you're using the 1950s meaning of the word gay yeah that's the joyous celebratory it's it's a birthday maybe it's a wake I don't know what people do anymore that was my funny that was my mom's like funny way of saying a man was homosexual as that she would say

he was happy and light-hearted oh you're just a wonderful Polish Italian mother man so last night so I the slime of my neighborhood is like significantly tapered down that's like you know I'm still looking for it I go around like I sniff around have you seen it pop up on your citizen app yet is it like a little red dot slime patrol letting everyone know there is this slime in the area keep your kids inside don't walk your dogs there was another app I forgot what is called not citizen it was another app there was a neighborhood app that I tried for a second but then people were just gossiping so I stopped I stopped following

it but the slime was popping up on that but that's fine good what I've noticed okay so last night this is not bullshit okay right mm-hmm I went out to walk Wendy about midnight so late as I'm walking that's what she that's her last walk of the night okay because if not she wakes us up at five o'clock in the morning you go pay all right so she has to get one last squirt no matter what and I don't even understand because her bladder must be the size of a kidney bean yeah probably the size of a walnut something like that yeah I don't know how big good dogs bladders are I've never tried to find out with my dick well

that's disgusting you could also use a knife which if you are if you are a veterinarian or you can Google it I guess there are many other ways to find things out rather than using a body part but yeah I like using my digits to explore all right what's the point of the story Henry so I was outside and I have a weird-ass neighborhood I didn't know what's going on and I really do think that and it's not just the weed in me and in people in the neighborhood but I swear to God I'm going on the street dog starts going nuts weird-ass no it's just like good like I look and there is this these lights are coming up from

behind this building there's a bunch of construction happening over there but these like a blue electric blue light like it was coming out of some kind of generator and it was going whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa this crazy filling the entire street with noise okay when he's going nuts when he can't handle it like so something happened she's acting like she's seeing stuff is because it's weird and I was like I wiggled out right I picked up when we walked back and keep you because I wanted to go explore but Wendy I couldn't go with Wendy of course I went to go like look over there but by time I look over

there the lights had stopped right I'm the middle of the night right I come back into the house because I've heard this noise before it was in my parking lot and I thought it was some strange alarm but actually it was this weird like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa an adult what it is that's the story How old are you? What is happening to your brain? I went to go look where the lights were and then the lights were gone.

I don't even know what the company is. It's like some progressive commercial or insurance commercial, and one of their friends starts acting like everyone's parents, and then he's like, oh, look at this. Oh, you know,

barely working or working hard or hardly working. You're somebody's father in some, but you don't have a kid. I don't understand what's going on. Wendy is my child. All right. This is Side Stories, Everyone.

I am Ben Kissel. That's Henry Zabrowski. Maybe Elton John is your new neighbor. Could that be? No, I think. Maybe Elton John moved in. This is just Elton's nightly routine. He puts on whatever lamp he puts on

to maintain such a youthful look. Maybe that's what's happening. But Nat didn't want to go out with me. I was like, Nat, let's go out. And she's like, you're scaring me. Stop scaring me. And I was like, let's go find these lights right now.

And then by the time I walk back out there, the lights were gone. So I don't know what the hell it was. All I know is that I have the movie Repo Man is happening in my neighborhood right down the street. And I'm missing it. You're missing the whole damn thing. And maybe that's best.

Maybe that's for the best. Because I don't necessarily know if your character in this movie is going to end up alive by the end of it. As long as I'm living, man. As long as I'm living to my fullest extent. Because I like the idea. You're going to be the first one dead. I have to go and I have to discover these mysteries.

I have to contribute something to society. This is not just about comedy and about making art. We've got to go out there. If I can get ahold of whatever one of these orbs are that's coming out of this. Whatever if it's kind of broken. Maybe they cut through some lime rock or something. And underneath there is all this.

Like maybe it's like chuds. Maybe it's something else. Maybe finally we're catching a breach. Maybe they found a lay line all filled with Oregon. Just up to its fucking pulsating veins in Oregon. And I want to go touch it. And then I become like the super Polish. Like you become like what the Fool's Society was hoping

they would do with the Germans. But for good. Not for bad. We're going to talk about the Polish a little bit later on in this episode. I do think there is a direct correlation with the legalization of marijuana in Los Angeles. And the slime sightings.

And the pulsating light sightings. It seems like your brain is full of weed. Perhaps you're not seeing things clearly. And maybe you need to switch to whiskey. And then you'll have the courage to go over there. I was drinking whiskey. With Wendy. I was drinking whiskey.

What's going on. And smoking weed. You just don't understand. You act like the same thing too. I've seen you put your Bud Light goggles on. Where you see me like now let's get to the center of this story. And you've never been more certain in your life. When you're filled with me else.

I know for a fact what's going on. All right. I want to talk about this one letter first. I want to talk about the letter. The do what I do already. Really quick. Okay. So we had the furnace.

The furnace festival in Philly actually happened. And this again Henry you know what this is a reminder of. If you build it. They will come not sober. But they will arrive. It looked to me like a pretty big hit. And a good communal event for the for the community there in the society. It seemed like it was a lot of fun.

Yeah. There was about 150 people came. I saw a couple of people a little couple of pictures there. I thought it was very interesting with a couple of people. Toasting each other with Bud Light Limes. I'd like to think that that was a shout out to us. If not sure. But if not great with parallel thinking on the letter.

If you don't remember it was written by a person who called himself Abba. And he said this is to inform you that all the food ate since first grade is alive in your body. Especially the dead animal remains or meat since it was cooked alive and is alive in your body. Anywhere it goes now you must go with it. That's 365 days a year from first grade to now breakfast lunch dinner. Also newborn baby received your first grade body or a meal just like the 365 days a year breakfast lunch dinner. It's a very intense letter but basically it ends with there'll be a meeting on April 27th 2019 12 o'clock in the afternoon in the subject of a building a steel furnace 27th and Gerard Avenue on the vacant lot.

And it seemed like quite the party. Yeah. Absolutely. A lot of people having a good time. And then the best part about it Henry did you see the picture of the man who wrote the letter. Yes I did. And what what a character. He must have been he looked like because he was just I think he was in a wheelchair and fairly certain.

And this one video the Philly voice put a really his name is Milton Jackson 64 years old looks like he's 85. But that's because he's been on the street for he's been he's lived in brewery town for many years many of them as a homeless man. And he wrote the letter I do like how the Philly voice constantly calls him a wheelchair user like he chose to use a wheelchair. Well honestly he might not require it that is possible. He's you know he's he's a man about town. He is homeless currently. So maybe the wheelchair is his ultimate mode of transportation. It might just be more comfortable than walking.

Absolutely. Because then it's like your car is also your I mean you can always relax. I like to relax in my car. Absolutely. He didn't speak as much as he had a spokesperson by the name of Bessie Jones who was a brewery town woman. He considers herself a student of the teachings of Jackson who she initially referred to only as Abba. And basically Bessie's daughter Sarah insisted they share his real name so that people could actually know who he was. He wrote the letter.

They were scared to put it out because they were afraid of the repercussions. They wrote them in there at 2 p.m. About two hours after the party started Milton Jackson he did not speak much but for he did saying he did say apparently just the sentence baby Jesus brought to life. All right. So that's good. That's good. He's in there. Baby Jesus screaming in a cradle somewhere brought to life.

That's good. That's what you want as opposed to a lifeless baby Jesus. That's not something you can party around. You have to mourn. But people were hanging out and apparently Bessie was saying the way she sort of extended the lessons from the letter. If you want to go read the full transcript of letter I suggest you do. It's fun. But she did say she was trying to kind of describe what his teachings were all about.

Okay. And she says that it's not about turning people into statues. Though Milton at vegetarian does think that meat remains inside humans for extended periods of time. It does. He compares our human bodies to a furnace. What we all want to be is a furnace so we can purify ourselves and get rid of dead remains and things that are toxic to our bodies. Abba doesn't eat meat. He always tried to get us to not eat meat.

Okay. I like this guy. I mean he's got a message. He said I am personally not a vegetarian but I do understand the vegetarian mindset. I feel bad every time I eat pork. It's just so good but pigs are also so cute and so smart. So this man, his heart was in the right place. He sent out the letter.

They said what's going to happen? Everyone's going to make fun of you. Much like what everyone told Adam Sandler. They're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you. But you know what they didn't do?

They didn't laugh at him. They laughed with him as they all communed together in a beautiful Philadelphia park. It looked like an absolute blast and if this doesn't motivate you to get out there, spread your word around and all you have to do is have a destination in mind. That's what he did right, Henry. They asked him what did he think of the furnace party and he said he wasn't surprised. No, he's not surprised because he planned it. That's the perfect thing.

He planned it all. I really take a lot from this, Kissel. I do too. I do believe the same thing. It's about if you want to see something to change in this world, you got to go do it. If there's a party that you wish you were a part of that wasn't there, you're not getting invited to, throw your own goddamn party. Bring the party to you.

Make your own stuff. Go out there, follow your own goddamn dreams. Instead of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, it's about maybe possibly fashioning bootstraps. Absolutely. Think about that. If you could fashion your own bootstraps. I took a lot from you. When I did the documentary, I was forced to sit.

You're putting another documentary about your election cycle. This is going to be, so the documentary, Travis Irvine is working on it. My friend, Earnhardt, is going to do the band, Great Band. They're going to do the music. It's going to be called Hail Yourself America. Because of this documentary experience, which should be out sometime this year, Henry is forced to say nice things about me in front of a camera. Not forced, but I feel like you would say nice things.

I was truthful. I was truthful, and I think that that was important. But a part of it is that I think what was nice about what I said, what was nice, what I said, was that your election cycle, you running for Brooklyn Borough President, was more about to me the fact that you can go from having very little political influence and not coming from money and not coming from political family. You could go and you could put together in your own election campaign and you could make the work.

And you can get on a ballot. Get on that ballot. It's amazing. Yeah, it's all about you knowing that you have to just kind of make it so that there's no alternative to you doing the thing and then you do the thing. Absolutely. And so this man, the furnace party and whatever you want to do in life, and you're not going to win the first time, I mean Henry and I in the arts, this is the only thing that Henry

and I, this podcast that you're listening to, and last podcast on the left, Top Pad, all the network, this is the only thing we have ever succeeded at. And this is only because we had to do it all ourselves. And we're still gripping on by the tips of our fingers. We're like the dude from Free Solo, just like, how are they even staying up? I don't know. I don't know. Because if you saw us, like if you actually saw the graphic representation of what it's

like to be an independent artist, to try to make a living as this, you would just see us hanging on the side of the mountain with the little like, because he had those weird like monkey toes. I saw Free Solo. Oh my God. It was so good. Yeah. It was crazy.

Eventually it'd be like, who catches those guys when they fall? Oh no, they go straight into the dumpster, they go straight into the cavern. They go to Splattertown, well anyway, so thank you all so much for your support and we want to support you in whatever you're doing as well. But let's talk a little bit, sticking in the art world. So we're talking about Israel Keys this week, or last week's episode of Last Podcast on the left. So, Ace of Base was something that we joked about Israel Keys liking in our Israel Keys

episodes. Does he actually like Ace of Base? We don't know. We don't know. But we joked about it and it turns out, we may have not been that far off. Evidently, the lead singer or the founder of Ace of Base, it's this dude named Ulf Ekberg. He was, before he saw the sign, he was a neo-Nazi skinhead and they got some photos of him doing the classic neo-Nazi salute and whatnot.

But this is really, how do you go from being a neo-Nazi to creating some of the more light-hearted music of the 90s? I think that maybe they're really, really close to each other. Maybe! I've always talked about Taylor Swift as if she, I mean she is, she's the Nazi ideal. If Goebbels could have put together a perfect pop star for the Nazi race, it would have been Taylor Swift. It could have been.

But if you don't bring Taylor down, Taylor doesn't like the Nazis. We don't know. We don't know. I bet she'd be like, oh no, meanwhile taking the money and put it in a bucket that comes from under their pockets. I mean like, I'm not certain that she's, she'd be like, well maybe my music and turn them around. But first, I have a shirt too and oh, here's some scrunchies.

I don't know what else she sells. Even the salvation bucket outside of every Walmart and Target during the Christmas season, probably got a couple of coins in there slipped from the fingers of neo-Nazis and white supremacists. I'm gonna assume so, maybe. I don't know. I don't really want to harp on this too much, but you know, because you can go after them all you want if you feel like it. It's already been put out there.

He did, I'm reading some of the lyrics that he had from his original Nazi punk band that was called Commit Suicide and they sang songs with explicit racist lyrics. How explicit? You wanna ask? Do you wanna read? Should I even read these? Yeah, it says, yeah, men in white hoods march down the road. We enjoy ourselves when we're sawing off.

You can imagine that is the N-word, heads, immigrant, we hate you, out, out, out, Nordic people wake up now, shoot, shoot, shoot. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign, no, don't matter without understanding. That's how we, I bet you those are the original lyrics are all scrap, because you know, sometimes they'll write like start lyrics while they're putting in the music and they just have to be like, hey, he's like, okay, guys, can you tell me what's a really bad word for Asian people? We're like, let's write a song about dancing.

Indeed. Well, it's a much better song and I don't know, maybe he did have a transformation in his life. Everyone can change. I got nothing wrong with Ace of Bass. It is just kind of a funny coincidence that we were making that joke because Israel Keys is a colossal piece of a Crip and a white supremacist, so anyway, that's a little, that's a little synchronicity in the lyrics here.

It is. It really is. No, all right. But Henry, now this is, this next story coming up, this is Henry, Henry is salivating right now. He is like, he is like a, like a hungry Satan Bernard. His jowls are dripping with saliva and just at the thought, the excitement of what's going on right now.

Yes. Disclosure is coming, y'all, can we get some of those horn noises in here, Travis? My horn noise sounded like I was like, that's not a horn. I am from Wisconsin. I don't know what people did. Disclosure is coming. Okay. Slowly in trickles and it's happening unfortunately under the reign of Fat Boy president, but

it's pretty amazing that it is the way that it is. The first thing it's showing, obviously you're going to have to read a little bit between the lines here because they're not openly saying that there are UFOs or they know what they are or they've been tracking them. What they're saying is they're going as far to spend government money and change government standards of reporting UFO sightings to the US Navy, which is actually something not to bat a nut lash at because this is something that is very difficult to change. It requires a great deal of energy and it's not something they're going to do unwarranted.

Now what they have here in an article by the fucking Washington Post, which is what I love about the shit. I don't know why. I don't know. Wapo is all right, but would you say this every single word? No, because sometimes, you know what I mean, because a lot of times it's in like in the Delapunka Courier, like this is a real newspaper. Yes, that is true.

Before we get into that, the Navy, as you just mentioned, is the Navy on the front lines when it comes to UFO research? They got the planes. They're in the middle of freaking nowhere half of the time. That's where Project Bluebrook was centered. The US Navy is traditionally has always been involved in the quote unquote the unexplained aerial phenomena research ends of the US government and perhaps the Pentagon, which is a little bit of that with the revelation of ATIP and OBSAP coming out, which you covered a little

bit in our Skinwalker Ranch episodes. Now, according to Wapo, a recent uptick and sightings of identified flying objects or as the military calls them unexplained aerial phenomena has prompted the Navy to draft formal procedures for pilots to document encounters, a corrective measure that former officials say is long overdue. Wow. These intrusions, they're saying that enough UFO sightings have been happening in military designated airspace.

It's been a regular basis since 2014. They're saying up to multiple times per month to the point where pilots are so angry with their bosses saying, you have to you have to listen to us. They are reporting things that we they're reporting orbs quite a bit on there. This is that they literally actual chrome orbs flying through the sky. They're saying these tic-tac shape objects, which if you look up, if you look up the tic-tac UFO of December 2017, you can see this footage. They're saying these porcelain white objects with no seams are flying through military

airspace. This is this is a huge deal. The fact that they are talking about absolutely so long, just the idea of bringing up this subject would make you a laughing stock to most people, which I think is probably still true, because they figured out how to beat us, which is you do a cultural victory like in Civ 5, where you change the minds of everybody else so that they automatically think you're I terrible you think you're stupid, just for even talking about UFOs, right? So this is it is to Henry's point, really fascinating.

The Navy actually came out with a statement. The Navy, the US military very rarely make statements about UFOs. Obviously, we had the disclosure that they paid 25 million bucks for a secret program as relatively recently. I think Harry Reid, the Democrat of Nevada was a part of that 22 million dollars isn't even fucking anything to the US government. That's their fucking of that's their Nespresso budget. Yeah, exactly.

Seriously, that is their snack budget for a Thursday. And of course, Bill Clinton in like 94, he was on Jay Leno, I think, and he's like, I want to get to the bottom. I'm going to get to the bottom of these UFOs. And of course, while he's just like maybe he was already the bottom of several interns. Come on. Yes, I remember that. So the Navy actually came out and said there have been a number of reports of unauthorized

or unidentified aircraft entering various military controlled ranges and designated airspace in recent years. So they're doing this for safety concerns. They also said the Navy is updated and formalizing the process by which reports of any suspected incursions can be made to the cognitive authorities, a new message to the fleet that will detail the steps of reporting in its drafts. So this is Henry, would you say this is probably the biggest UFO news since when do you I mean, since we found out that there wasn't actually a million dollar multi-million dollar program.

Yes, this is very big news. It's it's just showing it's what we kind of I think the UFO community quite often wanted this slow disclosure. Obviously, this is not full on disclosure. They're still saying like they don't want them called UFOs. They don't want to say ships. They just need very perfunctory descriptions of what people are seeing so they can label it phenomena and then God knows what they're going to do with it.

But mostly it's a it's it is them showing a little bit of their cards saying, right, we have been throwing money at this to try to figure out what it is. And probably the reason why we're not saying anything about the research that we're doing is because we don't know what it is, we're witnessing something that is a a a tenuous relationship with our idea of reality, which is very difficult to introduce millions upon millions of people to because it's going to freak them out. But it's important for once we get down to brass axe, which I think they're going to realize these UFOs are not just ships.

These are not just spaceships from another planet. This is some kind of psychic phenomena and that once we can crack open the other side of the the science end of this and say this is how interdimensional crafts work. This is why we are we are one of many universes and how we can explain it and how somewhere deep inside our reptile brain, it functions as an antenna for these things. And we kind of have create them as they go. All right, it can also just be a flying big boy like the film Austin Powers, if you recall how Dr. Evil escapes in a flying big boy.

I really, I, yes. Of course, the fast food restaurant. Could be one of those. It's in a giant Johnson. Remember that when they had a bunch of euphemisms for penis and they they called that. I do. Oh, they made a lot of money on that movie, a lot more than we'll ever make. This is what happens with the ufology discussion as it always comes back to Austin Powers.

Well, that is not the first, well, it's not the only rather, uh, alien news. There's a professor out of Oxford University who is putting his name on the line. This dude's name is young hei chi and he claims that aliens are breeding with humans to survive the climate apocalypse. He wrote a book in his native language, his Korean language. It is called alien visitations and the end of humanity. And he says there are four types of aliens, small, tall and blonde, aliens with scales and snake eyes.

And finally, insect like aliens, the latter of which call the shots. So this man sounds like Henry Zabrowski, but again, he is an Oxford professor. So maybe something's going on. It's trickling in, buddy. It's trickling in. What I think that we're going to, we're seeing some stuff. So what he basically did is that he took all of the, uh, reports from people talking about being abducted.

He took all of this information and he said, if, he basically saying, if all this is true, this is the, these are the things that come up again and again, which is these human beings are abducted, ie animals. Their sperms are, they get, they get the juice, they scrape the mags, they make a hybrid with their, their DNA mix with our DNA in order to slowly seed our planet with these hybrids. And then basically you create deeper and deeper hybrids. So you're now f**king making hybrids f**k, you get two hybrids up in the sky, which is

true. I've seen these type of abductions where people are kind of put up in the sky. They are all of a sudden they're meeting somebody else. They start f**king basically hypnotized by rays, they're having to start f**king each other. And those babies, which have been stolen in the night quite often where it's like they, a person will be pregnant and they get abducted and then the baby goes missing because they're putting it in their baby farms.

They might just of course be telling their partner that because they fell out of love with him and or her and then they say the baby must have been abducted even though perhaps they went to go to a doctor and, and have the baby abducted to another land entirely as well. It's quite possible. But what I would say though, is that if you want some good deep dive material for this, look up Dr. Young as in, as in, Sean Young, Sean Young, and then Hei Chi, which is H-A-E-DAS-C-H-I, God knows I didn't spell these right.

And there's a great, there's a great lecture he did called the environmental crisis and the increase of alien abduction. And there's a couple of lectures he has on there that are very, very interesting. Because again, it's just done by a legit people, which is why it's starting to make news. Well, of course. He takes all of the, there's another guy named David Jacobs that does a lot of research who's been, who has been compiling abduction research under his group, the International

Center for Abduction Research that has a lot of shit. I would love to see the emails they get sent on a regular basis from people who claim to be abducted, but in reality, they were just blackout drunk. So according to Chi, the aliens, they share the same biosphere as us and we're messing it up. So they're getting mad at us. This is what he said. He said, they come not for the sake of us, but for the sake of them, their survival,

but their survival is actually our survival as well. Their survival of the entire biosphere. That is where I progressed in developing my theory. And I'm looking for more evidence to support my view, which actually that makes the whole world, we come in peace, thing much more plausible if they do rely on our biosphere. Maybe they won't just nuke us out of existence because it might hurt them if they do. They are just trying to, it's almost the opposite. It's that they can't do an overt, they can't show up with battleships and blow us up because

that's not what they're trying to do. What they're trying to do is replace us. They're trying to slowly but surely replace us so they can live in our world because according to, if you want to believe the more extended lore about the alien agenda is a lot of these people specifically graze are coming from an area of, basically an area of the universe that is dying and they come here and we match up and so they are just slowly but surely being like, well, hey, this will work for everybody because we'll make you guys look like skinny Kate Mosses that can also live in our starships, but we also then get all

of your gold, get all of your oxygen. With any luck, they'll land in Indiana first and realize that indeed this planet is failing as well. So just get out of here. Get out of here. That's what I say. No, man. I just say, come be on the show.

Come be on the, if you're an alien and you're listening and you're getting this in your spacecraft, Skype in or whatever, like click, clack, whatever, whatever your version of Skype is, we'll download it. Come on the show. Come on the show. I want it. You know, I'd love to have, I'd like to have a pretty legit channeler. I don't know if there's anybody out there who does channel, but if you got some Pleiadians

we could speak to, fucking pump them through the fucking net, dude. All right. There it is. That's alien, a little alien corner. All right. I'm just so excited, man. This is big for me. No, it is.

It's absolutely awesome. It's big for all of us. It is. I love it. I love that the Navy is commenting because you know these people in the Navy, like a general, these people are hardened. They don't want to talk about this nerdy shit. They don't want it.

Like they want to talk about war and peace. They want to talk about the Russians. They want to talk about that the Chinese is going to, the cyber war is the next big war and we need to, you know, get a leg up on what's already a situation that we're losing. So no, I know they don't want to talk about this. Although I do think it would be fun to be one of the semen, one of the Navy guys there. Oh yeah. I know.

I was going to say it'd be fun to be a little semen just going through the tubes, coming at the cocky, could be inside of a vagina and you look at my eggs. I love eggs. Well, that's exactly. That's why, that's basically what being a naval military person is. You go through all the tubes in the submarine. Yeah, you know what my father did? That's my father.

My father was a submarineer. I know what he was. We had the same bodies. We had the same heights, you know what I mean? But also my father was a pretty Randy gentlemen up until he met my sainted mother. Absolutely. No, you wouldn't agree. But that's because that's what my mom always put it about my dad is that when they used

to talk away, my mom, she was like, oh, when I met your father, oh, God, Henry Thomas, the only women he would date were bar women. What do you mean? Ball women. Bar women. Bar women. Bar women. That's the only thing she'd call it was bar women.

And I was like, I love bar women. Yeah, what's wrong with them? It's like, just like your father, just like your, just like your horny father. Well, all right, let's, let's come back to earth here. I want to tell this story about this dude named Kai. Now he is the hatchet wielding hitchhiker. He has been arrested. You probably have seen him, even if you don't think that you know who this guy is, I'm sure

that you have seen him. He was a meme for a hot second. He was a meme. He did this whole thing where it's like smash, smash, smash and everyone's like, that's so cute and funny. And he's like kind of like love a ball. He's just, he reminds me a little bit of Jesse from the Who Wants to Be a VJ competition from MTV in the 1990s, long hair, kind of strung out.

I met him at an adult swim party once and he was fun. He has not changed, which I actually think is bad for him. Yeah, probably. He probably wants to change just a little bit. So anyway, this dude Kai, you can just YouTube Kai and you'll see the video. His real name is Caleb McGilvery. And you know, again, he was the, he was the, he was the hatchet wielding hitchhiker. He was arrested without incident at a Greyhound bus stop at 6 30 PM.

That was in New Jersey. Now why was he addressed, why was he arrested? Because this dude, Joseph Gelfie was found dead. Now this guy, authorities in Union County named the animated couch crashing drifter as a suspect in the death of New Jersey attorney, Joseph Gelfie. Gelfie was found dead Monday inside his home on Starlight Drive when officers made a kind of a welfare check. In autopsy determined, Gelfie died from blunt force trauma to the head.

So it seems to me like this guy, Gelfie, because Kai's whole thing was that he was like surviving off the land. Well, did he save somebody? He did something. There was some weird story. Did he believe the thing? Yeah, there was something there. Yeah, he said he saved somebody for some guy, but it seems to be that that is kind of run

out. Yeah, because now it looks as if he crashed on this guy's couch and it seems as if he killed him. The Union County District Attorney official declined to reveal how the hitchhiker was tied to the lawyer's killing. McGilvery, or Kai, is being held on $3 million bail and will be extradited to New Jersey. He was found at a Starbucks when a Starbucks, a hero Starbucks employee, spotted him and was like, that's the dude who's wanted for murder.

We also went viral on fucking YouTube. It's really difficult to hide unless you do that because that's a problem. One reason these meme people, these meme people, it seems to be they actually get a lot more like street recognition than anybody else because they're just being sent from person to person. And physically, the computer screens like nine inches from your eyeballs all the time, so it just gets burnt in there. Absolutely.

And of course, you know, yeah, the meme people are always famous, and maybe it went to his weird little head. I mean, we've seen people like this in this industry when Vine broke. Vine was an app. Seriously, I have to remind people what Vine was. That's how weird it is. Vine was an app where you recorded like six second videos and you could loop them. And everyone was like, like, oh, Vine is the biggest thing ever.

And then there was a thing called Vine Stars, and we knew one dude who was the Vine star. Really nice guy. But he was making a documentary about being a Vine star. And of course, before you could finish the doc, the Vine thing was over. No, I remember because our manager had several Vine stars because I remember him just being like, it's new TV. We've got to do it. This is it.

We're all on board. And then none of them can make the conversion from Vine to television because it's really difficult to go from making six seconds at a time of content to 21 minutes. Right. It's very, very difficult. But it reminds me of the Cash Me Outside Girl. But I believe the Cash Me Outside Girl is like, she has like a record deal. I think she's like doing well.

I think that she is a Hail Mary by the music industry to try to sell just any amount of records at this point because that industry is Dine. Again, speaking of Dine, this lawyer has been killed by Kai. This is according to Union County Prosecutor Theodore Roman Cow in a statement. This is what he had to say. He says, I am grateful for the overwhelming response and dedicated effort by the public and law enforcement that led to this arrest. I believe that everyone is a little safer with this person off the streets.

His nickname, Kai's nickname was also Kai Lawrence, Caleb Kai Lawrence, and Kai Nicodemus. Nicodemus? Wow. So he really maybe headed Jesus Complex and probably has a series of mental health issues. His video was shared on Stephen Colbert. That was when Stephen Colbert was still on Comedy Central with the Colbert Report was actually a good show as opposed to whatever he's doing now. It's sincere now.

Don't you, everybody likes comedians when they go super sincere, right? I thought the whole point was that they didn't, that we're not, I like, you're not a good, you're not smart. You don't know, Kissel. Real comedians, they make you sad and politicians are supposed to be funny and you're supposed to like them. Oh, that's the world we live in now. Yeah, politicians are supposed to be like funny, they're supposed to have memes and you're

supposed to just love every single thing they do, every single fucking thing that they do. And comedians are supposed to be philosopher kings that tell you how to think and behave. Well, in no way is that an indicative side effect of how dumb we've become as a culture. No way. All right. So Kai, it looks like he might be finally, he might finally have a home. Unfortunately for him, it will be a New Jersey penitentiary because most likely that's where he's going.

Hey, he could do worse. I really think he could do worse. I feel like, I mean, that's, that is my thing. If I was ever homeless, I would fucking, I'd be put in jail. I'd be put in jail. Well. But I tell you what, I would do it for the people. I would do the, I would, right as everything was falling apart because that point Natalie

will have left me, she'll have taken Wendy, I will be under investigation for some sort of white collar crime, everything may be out of the house, I'm living on the street and then I'll just put up a Twitter poll being like, who do you, who do you want me to mess up? It doesn't even about murder. It's about like, who can I go and sabotage? And then I will let the public weaponize me to go forward and just go at somebody. I can make somebody's life a live in hell until they put me into prison.

Well, I think if you are homeless, you'll be able to find a way to commit enough crimes where they will put you in prison. I mean, hell, even loitering a couple of times caught loitering, they'll lock you up for a few nights anyway. If I ever get, if I ever get terminal cancer, I'm using it. You know what I mean? You better buddy. That's what I'm using.

But I'm using it. That's exactly what jigsaw does. Yeah. I'll be the good jigsaw. But how jigsaw ended up being good. I'm going to be like that. I'm going to do that. I know.

I know. You wouldn't do that? With, if I had terminal cancer. Yeah. You wouldn't try, you wouldn't be a vigilante? No, I would catch up on Game of Thrones and all of these shows that I don't watch now. That's what I'm looking for. You seriously just sit and watch premier television?

I'm living my life right now. When I get the cancer, I want my medical weed. I heard the medical weed is superb when you're on cancer. When you're on cancer. When you're on that cancer. When you're on that sweet, sweet leukemia. No. Do you remember our super good buddy, Ron Krasnow?

Yeah. When we used to go and he got colon cancer and he gave us some of that fucking sweet, sweet cancer read. And whoo, holy shit. And Ron has made a full recovery and is doing great with his family. So that is, that is a wonderful. It's wonderful. But I really, I'm very strange.

I feel so left out right now because I don't watch Game of Thrones, I don't watch Game of Thrones only just because I read the first two books and then I started watching, I tried to watch a show but I just, by the time it was going, it was too much to catch up on. So I haven't watched a show and then I haven't seen any Avengers films either just because we've been so busy. We've been on the road, I haven't seen any of these movies. Well you know what I do. So I don't know what's happening.

The plane, the plane ride up. You gotta watch the Avengers on there, they're always on there. If you like such a waste to watch that size of movie on the 4x4 fucking plane screen on this movie. Well I mean they shrink it down. You don't just see, you don't just see Thanos' big toe. I'm not a fucking asshole. They go and they take it to scale but I'm like, I am one of those.

I'm becoming more David Lynch-y as I go. I mean speaking of this and also like watching Hale Satan documentary last night and I'm going to become more and more of a crotchety Satanist as I get older and then I'm already halfway there but David Lynch, this has got not really equating to it but I do feel like that where it's useless like when David Lynch, if he's on a plane and he sees you watching a movie on your phone, he will knock the phone out of your hands. David Lynch, you can kind of accept it because he's a funny old man but I can't do it right now but I believe that movies should be seen either in theaters or in as big as a fucking

television as I can purchase with my tiny hands. When you're on a little Delta flight, you've got the small, like you said about 5x5, 5x8 screen, you've got to sit real close and then it's a huge screen. It's all perspective. You're ruining your eyes, you're ruining your eyes. Oh that's a myth. That's a myth. I know.

I'd rather watch documentaries. That's how I saw that Free Solo thing. Oh yeah, Free Solo. Free Solo. So good. Then I made it through about 45 minutes of a Star is bored and then I shut it off so hard. I shut that, I hit the screen so hard that I woke up the person in front of me.

Yeah. Shut that thing off. I had one person yell at me for tapping the screen too hard but I didn't think I was tapping the screen too hard and then we had a passive aggressive fight for about five hours. You let your face drift over to the side and be like, what if I tap your fucking head too hard? And then you just smell all the JD on your breath and you call my thing and then you just wham, wham, wham.

You got it. It's the passive aggressive wars that I fight every day in the streets of Los Angeles. It was a very svelte, maybe 25-year-old black dude. He was quite handsome and maybe I was hitting the screen too hard. I didn't particularly think I was, but I was also… How hard are you hitting the screen? I didn't think I was hitting it that hard, but it was also one of the first times I ever sat in a nice seat on an airplane, so the guy turns around to me and I was like, how

are you doing, man? Like a big ol' redneck or something, and then he's like, stop tapping the screen so much. And I was like, I thought we were going to celebrate being in the front of the, okay. Yeah, I thought we made it. I thought we did it. We made it, buddy. Exactly.

Fly from your clay. Fly from your clay. All right. What is this shit with whale with harnesses? It could be a Russian weapon? Yeah, I wasn't sure if this was a top hat story or a side story story. So in Norway, they found this whale and it had a weird harness like it was going to its first day of whale school, and they found out it was a Russian piece of technology that

was used to monitor, I guess, wherever the hell the whale goes. I don't think the whale is like getting orders from the Kremlin to be like, and now go down this canal. Have you seen this? I saw this whale swimming between the boats, right? Fishermen in waters near the small Norwegian village of Inga, Oregon reported last week that a white beluga whale wearing a strange harness had began to harass their fishing boats.

We were going to put out, we are going to put out nets when we saw the whale swimming between the boats. Fishermen, your Heston told Norwegian broadcaster NRK, it came over to us, and as he preached, he said that it had some sort of harness, earn it, the strange behavior of the whale, which was actively sinking out the vessels and trying to pull straps and ropes from the sides of the boats, as well as the fact that it was wearing a tight harness, which seemed to be for a camera or weapon, which is, this is awesome powers again. Austin powers indeed.

It raised suspicions among marine experts that the animal had been given military grade training by Russia. Yeah, well this is according to a Russian broadcaster. Inside the harness, which was now been removed from the whale were the words, equipment of St. Petersburg, which is like, they might as well have had like a dog tag on it that had like Vladimir Putin and then his cell phone number, you know, so that you could fucking call it. I don't know, man.

No, this is, honestly, if this was the peak of human warfare, we, our society would be so much better. This is so funny. It's because it's kind of cute to have little whale warriors. So this was according to a Russian broadcaster, Gorvort, Moskov, or Moskva, whatever the hell it is. This is a, he said, and I can't do a Russian accent if you want to do it, Henry, feel free. He says, if we were using this animal for spying, do you really think we'd attach a mobile

phone number with a message, please call this number? But then he also said, we have military dolphins for combat rules. We don't cover that up. It's just like, wait a second, you just said there's something that none of us were aware of. So, okay. So you have dolphin weapons, but it would be crazy to have a whale weapon. They take almost two weeks less to train than a dolphin.

Absolutely. I'm saying it's easier to train them, but I'm telling you, the US, we got to get the sharks on board. We need to get seals. I don't even mind seals. Seals can do good covert ops. And they're kind of cute. And you know who eats seals?

Whales. The one that ate a seal was one of those Russian whales. Now we got someone on the inside, you know, with a little harness until he craps. Killer whales eat seals, but normal whales eat krill. Yeah. I've seen them deep dive on that. Like they're at old country buffet. They look to have a great time when they eat.

They do. I mean, look at their look like they're always smiling. They really do. They get in their weird brush teeth. But we could also weaponize tiny dogs. Yeah. Let's not forget that. You can definitely weaponize, premiere puppies by basically you get like a bunch of really

nice puppies. This is actually a really fun idea. Yeah. You get a tiny little nuclear device and you feed it to the dog, right? Like you let it slide down its throat into its belly. You sell these priceless puppies, really expensive ones, to like a Countess's daughter or something in Russia. Like somebody who works in one of these, these weird ass, like oligarchy, whatever their criminal

organization that runs the country. Anna Kornakova. I think she's pretty high up there now. Yeah. Why not? I bet. And then she goes in there with the puppies and you detonate them by remote. You kill everybody.

Well, it would be sad for the puppies, but it wouldn't be the first time the U.S. has used animals. The U.S. Navy. But the thing is, is that if the puppies do it, if we use the puppies, they will die happy knowing that they served our country. And then what we can do is we can give those puppies post memoriam, post mortem, whatever the word is. Yeah.

Purple hearts. Do you have to survive? Well, yeah. No. Okay. All right. Do you? No.

You have to survive to get a purple heart. I think you can get one post mortem. I'm pretty sure. So yes. Can we give them medals of honor? Yeah. We can give them anything. What do you have to do to get a medal of honor?

I think a medal of honor is the highest civilian award that you can get. I'm fairly certain. Or maybe, maybe it's, and then you got to purple heart, which is the highest military award. I don't know. Don't quote me on any of that. The US Navy used dolphins during the Cold War, apparently they set up a special program for training dolphins and sea lions in California.

The US, and it's called the US Navy Marine Mammal Program. It was based in San Diego. It uses bottlenose dolphins and California sea lions and their job really does suck. Their job is locating mines and other dangerous objects on the ocean floor and I'm assuming they locate them by hitting them and then exploding. The US Navy deployed dolphins to the Gulf during the Iraq war in 2003 to help mine clearance teams. Man, you would think this would be on the news every single day.

None of that I think. You would. Honestly, it's one of those. We're like, holy shit. It's cool. This is what we used to do. Well, I'll tell you what, this is, I'm just thankful we're using, we're using dolphins instead of the original program, which was just using Mexicans, just getting them down

there. We've changed a lot. We've grown as a country. We're doing much, much better, not using forced labor to do the hardest jobs, although you could argue that we're forcing the dolphins to do it, unless of course they did sign up, although they don't have opposable throms, so they can't hold a pen, which makes that seem unlikely. I got opposable throms.

That's what I called the tiny little baby penises next to my big main penis. Oh, is that a lie you've made up for yourself? Yes. That's what I got. Kitty little friends, but I actually, but the thing about dolphins is that until they figure out how to use guns, well, they are, they are going to be our subjects. They need to figure it out. They are starting to wonder whether or not dolphins can think and what they, what they

need to do. But at this point, there was a race at all times about who is the most capable predator, most capable mammal on this fucking planet, and the dolphins won in the game. They got to figure out a couple of things. They got to figure out how to make their own farms, if that's what they can do. They got to figure out how to make a helicopter. They got to figure out how to fucking get that money. Yeah.

Well, and of course, they should probably cut out some of the sexual assault that they do down there in the ocean. I'll say you what, it was my- That's another thing. Women like my mom are the ones, I'm not going to say they bring it upon them, but my mom was out there like swimming with the dolphins, she's like, oh, I love how close they get. And then they have to have the lifeguard come and say, please stop. This is their sexual aggressive- Yes, I'm sure your mother was courting a dolphin to have sex with her.

She doesn't know that, but she was like, God's talking to me through the dolphin. God said this was a sign from God, and then they go over there and it was just being like, oh, God's trying to shoot all over your back thinking it's a big struggling seal. Okay. It doesn't. Well, don't call your mother a struggling seal, she'll never let that go. No, but you know, that's what we look like to this. I know that's what people look like when we're swimming and we're like, peak of the food

shade and then every other animal in the water is like, oh, that's a fatter seal than usual. It must be one of those unique Midwest seals that comes down here to Florida during the winters. Yeah, just coughing up, just fucking coughing up, just coughing up string bikinis for men with the Canadian flag on the pouch. All right, well, of course we have to do our hero of the week and it also goes along with animal news a little bit. I think we're to the point where the hero of the week is, should be discussed at this

point. It's better if it's an animal. It's better if it's an animal. Absolutely. So here's the hero of the week's... Recordings of number stations. I love listening to them. It is.

All right, so Freddie the Parrot, Henry, have you heard of Freddie the Parrot? No. Okay, very good. If you would have told me yes, indeed, I have and went on a large diet trip. Of course. So Freddie the Parrot, his name is Freddie Kruger. He has made it back to a zoo after being stolen. He wasn't just, I know it's so cute, he's such a cute parrot.

He wasn't just stolen though. He was also shot and bitten by a snake. An Amazonian parrot called Freddie Kruger has made headlines in Brazil after managing to find its way back to the zoo from which he was stolen while recovering from a four year nightmare that saw it shot with a gun, abducted by armed thieves and bitten by a snake. This thing, if this bird could talk, wait a second, it can. It can. What is this parrot?

What it's saying? Oh, it's got a lot of alternative views about the Jews, which is unfortunate. That's what always happens. Well, I don't know if Neo-Nazis abducted him or not, but something happened. Their turquoise fronted Amazon parrot, whose Elm Street inspired moniker stems from its bullet disfigured face, was pilfered from a zoo in the southern city of Cascaval. And according to the Brazilian newspaper, Folo de Saipalo, Saipalo, I think it's Saipalo. Sao Paulo.

Sao Paulo. Freddie's capture was just the latest in a series of misadventures to affect the Amazonian bird. So he really had a hell of a lot of stuff going on. Freddie was first brought to the zoo about four years ago after being severely injured in a shootout between police and gangsters during a raid on the drug den where he had lived with the villain's owner. And again, Henry, if you are going to do something illegal, a parrot is the worst possible animal.

Oh, I mean, I hate birds. I hate birds, but I mean, I hate the idea of keeping a bird as a pet. I like dogs. Dogs keep your secrets because dogs are loyal. I agree with that. And parrots have been used in criminal cases to have the person who took care of them arrested because they'll be like, big boy, did it. And then they'll be like, oh, is your nickname big boy?

And then the owner will be like, it is indeed. And then that owner will go behind bars forever. So in the shootout. I just don't know how that bird then doesn't live outside of that, isn't it killed by other birds for being a little stool pigeon? I know. It is the snitchiest of all the birds. So in the shootout, Freddie was hit in the upper beak, blinded and suffered burns to

his feathers that grow between his eyes. Earlier this month, the parrot was reportedly bitten by on the leg by a snake. Thankfully, it was non venomous, Freddie bled profusely, but survived only to be stolen days later when three armed raiders burst into the zoo, overpowered its security guards, and made off with two parrots and a cylinder of gas. Whoa, this is like Malala. What is going on? Did that happen to Malala?

I'm not quite sure what happened, but this parrot, it's like two days later, however, Freddie returned discovered by zoo staff at the foot of a pine tree beside his cage. Wow, look at that. So he is our hero of the week. This is according to someone who works at the zoo. He says he was, he was, he's a bit of a wild one that that's the zoo vet was saying. So he's just, he's a wild parrot out there. The second parrot and gas cylinder have yet to be found.

I'm a little bit concerned that that parrot is probably burnt dead and gone forever. I don't know why you would steal two parrots and a gas cylinder. Something tells me those people might have been on some Brazilian meth. I think that they were just, you know, just excited to be awake. That could be. Could be. That's what happens. So Freddie Kruger, Freddie Kruger the parrot, you are the hero of the week.

Survivors. Survivors. Beyonce did that too. She survived and she wrote a song about it and she had those two other women that she used to have sing about it too. And then she fired them because they weren't fabulous enough to keep up with Beyonce, I think. You know, now they, and their lives are ruined, I think.

No, it's Michelle, Kelly Rowland, Kelly Rowland still doing stuff. Kelly Rowland still doing stuff. And the fourth, there was a fourth that, yeah, they just, she is a toll worker now. Yeah. She just went to the history of time and no one will ever see her ever again. Oh, that's sad. I would say there are winners and there are losers in this. Well, Beyonce could have helped her friends out a little bit.

We always let our, we have to help our friends out and we don't even like our friends. We help all of our, all of our ridiculous friends. We're saddled with this. All right, everyone. Well, let's see here. Thank you all so much for listening. We are going to see you all on the road very, very soon. What do we got?

We got Vancouver. We got Salt Lake City. We got Portland. We got Seattle. Can't wait. Australia is coming together. The UK is coming all together. Hope to see you all out in Berlin.

It's just going to be a good time, man. We're just going to hang out like friends and fam. Eat a bunch of cheese. Really? It's always so excited to be back on the road. I love seeing everybody and we love doing these shows. It's so much fun. Have we changed our rider at all from just a cheese plate, a cheese pizza?

This is why I'm getting, well, this is not one. We got tequila now. Now we have tequila as opposed to whiskey. Okay. You'll see us fatter and badder than ever. I like having, it's good to have the bread as a base because then we end up drinking. Yeah. That's very true.

All right. We're just getting, we're just going to look worse and worse. That's called what we do to ourselves to entertain you. And so every day, you got to live your life. You're going to live your life to find truth, find justice for your friends and neighbors, even if you have to take that justice by force. You know. You got to love that you are willing to put your life and your family in the line for

justice and truth. You got to love that fact a bunch of sure, sure. And you got to laugh in the face of those that dare defy you. Any one of your enemies who dares think they can challenge your sheer rigor or will this week. Well, unless of course it's an officer and you were speeding and you were pulled over for said speeding, just got to get the ticket. Sometimes I shall not be detained.

Well, no one's. Remember that sentence. Yeah. Like I did. Remember that sentence. When we got pulled over at LA by the Uber driver, I was, I shall not be detained. I shall not be detained. Um, absolutely everyone.

So thank you all so much for listening and we love you very much and hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Magusta, lesions. Hail me. Hail Satan, truly, today. Hey, what's up, everyone? I am Ben Kissel and I'm with Marcus Parks. Hi, Ben.

We're going to talk to you a little bit about Abe Lincoln's top hat. It's the political show that Marcus and I do. It's a lot of fun if you want to get up to date on the weekly news of politics. Check out the show. Uh, you know, I think you'll like it. I think you'll like it. We're reasonable. We're reasonable people.

We're fine people. We're fine people. So that's good. So check it out because there is a lot to unpack and hopefully it helps you get through your week. So hail yourselves, everyone. Thanks for listening. This show is made possible by listeners like you.

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