Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: It's Raining Umbrellas

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

This week the gang's all here as Marcus joins Ben 'n' Henry for a classic grab bag of Side Stories including the South Carolina woman impaled by a beach umbrella, a man who got a little too frisky with the family cat, the "best" UFO photo ever found, a surprise hero of the week, and MORE!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories It's one of my least favorite of all the fruits is a fucking great man. Oh great. Yeah, I'm here. I'm here. I'm in it and By the way Well melons are so much worse than grapes melons taste like nothing but bad people don't like melons But when it comes down to it truly you you know what Marcus you've never really had a good I mean this and now this is fascinating So Cal honeydew melon is actually very good. You can be very you can have its own play for honey. Do it's just yes A lot of times normally is it filler in a fruit salad? Absolutely. We know this. All right, this Henry's wife. Tell him honey. Don't

Honey don't not do the dishes again And I do the dishes that actually makes you one of the better husbands in the world I'm crushing it, but the grapes are big in the news this week a lot of controversy people shutting down grapes But when it comes down to it, just remember grapes are really important I guess if you eat a bowl of grapes your fucking day your fucking life you get five years extra to your life But you gotta force yourself through an entire bowl of grapes Absolutely grapes. Are we recording? Are we recording? Yeah, this is the show. Oh, this is the show

Yeah, this is that special side stories edition featuring me and we're talking about fucking eating a bowl of grapes And how much melon sucks? Wow, welcome to side stories everyone forget the grapes eat the prunes also just search prune brothers and see what comes up Please This is All right today's special episode we are joined by marcus parks Henry and I we have our friend back Yeah, we do Isn't that exciting and this one is it marcus is him. This is him. Well, welcome to our like, so this is the fun little sandbox

We get to just play with ideas And we don't have to be right all the time which all seems seems to um, it gets us a lot of corrections Yeah, and anger people it seems like when you don't say things correctly. Well, keep some young I'm glad that you now it's your time. It's your chance to be completely unprepared to speak I'm loving it man because I haven't done any work besides looking up just one news story I'm off the cuff and guess what ladies and gentlemen when I'm off the cuff. I am often wrong There it is. Well, what's not wrong as we talked about it's eating a bowl of grapes because evidently there's a chemical in it And it boosts good gut bacteria

So then maybe you don't have to get yourself a fecal transplant although. Let's be honest. I want one I guess so honestly, I what celebrity would you get get a fecal transplant from first? Scarlett Johansson Lance Hendrickson Hey, wait a second. Do you not think that the gray slash beige Like a material flowing through the intestines of Lance Hendrickson is going to help your life Because I love him as an actor. All right. All right. Peter Weller Peter Weller it is. He's also from Stevens Point, Wisconsin. You're sniffing a little close to my whole large

Uh, I would go with Hugh Jackman. Yeah, sure because I think he's I think he's a hyper clean Very in shape always buff, but then also I think he has reasons to clean his whole You see, I'd want it to be somebody like Bella Hadid, but I should also be allowed To get it. You know what I mean? I should be allowed to collect it. Absolutely. Well, welcome to the episode once again What a fantastic way to begin in no way or people disappointed in no way or they're like, why are we listening to this? I'm actively getting dumber. However, technically we did give you a tidbit of information to save your life And potentially add five years to this wonderful existence because when I hear About something that could prolong my life, don't you just immediately think better get on that fast?

Because everything is so fun and wonderful And it's just maybe I want to do something that'll take 10 years off It's just the fact is the years that they add are always at the back end. They're never 18 to 25 It's never like you get to be 18 to 23 years old again. It's always like you get to be 92 to 97 Yeah, it's just five more years of staring and pain Doing that thing where your mouth's open all the time. I don't want to get that I might even have my face like like like my like something just like I'm gonna get I'm gonna get uh lip fillers because for some reason especially with people of our, uh, uh

As complexion the lips just slowly fade away and become teeth You do need to use lips. You need to use chapstick and moisturizer I heard that's actually very dangerous because then it makes your body reliant on chapstick And then it makes your lips not be able to self wet Do you believe any of that is true? Fernando's nodding. Do you know? Fernando's a scientist. He knows Sorry, is that is that a generally accepted fact that Fernando's a scientist on side stories?

I know He's an engineer. What's the difference? He just mostly either stands and he nods and shakes his head if depending on what level of flagrantly wrong that we are at Absolutely, I'm just trying to learn the rules. That's all I'm doing here. That's right skip the grapes die young Otherwise, you're gonna end up like a raisin. I am cute This first story I just wanted to read a story to marcus and see what he thinks again We respond live here and sometimes, you know, again marcus. Would you call yourself a beach person? Uh, no, absolutely not. I uh despise the beach. I am a forest person. I'm a mountains person. Give me trees. Give me shade

You despise the beach Isn't that a little harsh though? I'm feeling like I'm gonna need to get ready for it But I'm thinking right now as far as the uh, oh first 40 years of my life go I've never once had a good time at the beach unless an amusement park was attached to it and that would be Tony island What about Puerto Rico? It's pretty good. It's pretty good. There's a lot of dogs out there. Okay, that's what I like I like the beach when you just sit there, right? I like sitting in a chair because otherwise

I get covered in sand and gets in every part of my fucking body here I'm absolutely riddled with it and then I have to shake myself off like a dog leaving a lake That is true Every single time I go into my car and it's just my whole car becomes the sand trap isn't that kind of fun though That's why you should drive one of those little um Turtles like a little red turtle sandbox. Remember those growing up folks. Those are really fun Those are what you're talking about. Um, but also as you do get older you do naturally instinctively go towards the water This this is very true. We're just

I'd like to know I'd like to know where ben's logic for this comes I'm curious. I'm curious It is a scientific study It is no it's slightly it's similar. It's different. Okay, it's fine. I'm pretty big deal. Um going towards water. Why? All right, let me start with the story and then you get through the end of it. Well, yeah, you know detach come back Okay, so beachgoer 63 sad dies after being impaled by a beach umbrella When strong winds lifted the pole out of the sand drove it into her chest as a front a bunch of her four horrified friends They all screamed at her to duck now. Oh my goodness. It was better than for her to die

Yeah, we're like jump honestly. He is the jump so it hits you lower in the body, but we'll get into that I don't know because that's how I avoided getting hit by a car a car coasted through a stoplight So what I did which I I think understand and Fernando you're an engineer. You might actually help with this I didn't jump so that it hit me lower and then I rolled on top of the the hood Right and then rolled off Barbara all hood Barbara. Do we just hit a stack of potatoes the heck was that? I think it was wearing a dashiki. Oh my good. Sort of very very beige African how much you messed up the car I fucked up the whole hood. Good for you. Yep

So yeah, where how where was this in like heaviness scale like Henry heaviness scale. Where was this this woman? No, you when you get hit by the car I would never ask why that's not relevant in any way whatsoever. How much did the victim weigh? Oh, you're a very strange judge Let me get the scale Uh, I was about 300 pounds. I was big boy. Okay. Yeah, so you're gonna really fuck up that car Oh, yeah, dude It's gotta make you feel kind of good though because what what kind of revenge can they have upon you?

They hit you. No, it was awesome. It was the best. It was it was great I was all bruised up on my side and the guy came was like, oh, would you do to my car? Oh my try to fucking kill me, bro You know, it was very manly. I love florida. All right. Well, let's go back to garden city. Now this woman This is South Carolina. All right. Now they're calling it a freak accident. It is. I well, let's see. Maybe it could be homicide You think the penguins involved? I don't know. So tammi paroled Um, lovely lady to be honest. We do look very similar in size and shape

She's 63 years old. She was very sweet Augusta wind and think this is just wild, right? And they all get they said duck They said apparently the wind ripped through something like 60 miles per hour. I don't know how else was standing I don't know. I feel like there's a lot of things at play here. There's a lot of elements I don't know. I the the one that I'm looking at the story that I'm looking at so that it was just a regular breezy day Nothing truly out of the ordinary. No other umbrellas or beach blankets or anything got foiled Just an umbrella. They say that's what her husband said. Just this one umbrella one husband her husband spoke with the news That's interesting. Let's think about this. You're walking. This is a really good one But how is the fucking he got to get he got to get a dead wife under his belt without being charged

Yeah, absolutely. Well, that doesn't bad. That's fucking you get all of the sympathy bush. Yep, and this and the quiet But no, I love I love my wife. I love this woman. Absolutely. She looks lovely, but it is really fun How does this not sharknado? How is this thought some big news because she's walking along somehow? How does it go fast enough to jump out of its holder and go long enough that people go? Duck duck like it's an action movie like was it the twister Was it the top or the bottom of the umbrella because if it's the bottom you got to have kind of this spike top You got to be able to jam it into the ground But if it's the top does it need to be that hard if I may have if I may put forth a hypothesis here

As to how this happens. So the umbrella came down from the beach about 40 feet away According to the story that I'm reading comes from 40 feet away, but I'm not thinking that this is some sort of missile situation I'm thinking that this thing flew up into the air and then as it came up into the air flip flip flip down Because once it comes down, I don't think it came straight away. I came. I think it came down from the sky It rained down upon from on heaven. Oh Oh my god, it's raining umbrellas. This is ironic. What an ironic twist truly so good to have Marcus here Yeah, because actually that's like very good breakdown because in my mind because what I'm imagining for some reason I imagine the wind came up shut it up. I thought in my head. I'm thinking call the duty

I'm thinking halo. It's going in one straight Live and it pales a woman through the chest like a film Yeah, like like somebody's got like a spear gun and it's This is a no, no, no, no, it's got to go up into the air and then come back down again. Yes, you have more of a harpoon Alligator crocodile hunter type death going what happened with the stingray and mr. Erwin Marcus is coming in with a little bit more of a of a lawn dart approach Where you have a good arc and then it comes down This is also why you should not celebrate by shooting random guns into the air because the bullet they come down when it comes down

I do want to point out one thing about this lovely woman and I love her and she's a victim She has a t-shirt on that I love and I would marry her and this she she could have been my wife And the teacher just says this girl needs a bear. No, it's one of them It's got a little beer on it because you know what this girl needs a bear Absolutely, and she deserved a beer and she looked like she was nothing but good times and good soul and good heart All of these pictures are lovely her and her husband's suntan enjoying the the politics of south carolina They're out there. They're enjoying it. And then the thing was is that we now I haven't I'm getting the information here She was impaled with the bottom end

So this is what I mean. This is what he went it. So it went up and up and up and up and up and it came out Again, it was more of a penguin style jousting. Yeah, but it because that they're just little plastic nubs on the top That was what I was thinking. I was like, why the hell with the top of an umbrella? I wasn't trying to get birds not to sit on it Like it's some kind of bizarre new homeless bench that they make where they've put nothing but barbed wire on top Because god forbid people take a nap It makes sense that it was the thing that plunged into the sand. Yeah, but she's dead Yeah, I know it plunged into her heart. Yeah, this is a beach umbrella. This is not an umbrella

Oh my goodness. She was lying down then. No, she wasn't she was standing. Well, this is a this is also a thing Is an important thing we talk about this at recently someone got Hospitalized at a baseball game because the ball came through it was a foul ball and they weren't paying attention because they were Gavin they were not watching the game. They were just enjoying themselves your victim blaming a little bit It's baseball. You're supposed to talk with your friends But also you supposed to keep your eye on the ball, right? It's kind of important I mean, you're not getting paid to do it. You paid to be there. This is my one thing about baseball

But listen, it's not a game. It's not on your tv when you're there watching it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's it's men with their bulls If you're in the foul zone to the sides, then then you got to watch out you definitely got to watch out You got no one's gonna be watching opera if it's a fly ball everyone around you is gonna they're gonna signal There's a ball coming you're getting you can look up But if you're on those sides and that foul ball that that bunt not bunt But you know that sideways hit once that hits you. Yeah, that's going to be the most dangerous one That's going to be like hitting being hit by pitch. And you have to you have to pay attention

You have to do these but so maybe we need to start messaging. We got to start paying attention to the beach Well, I agree you always have to pay attention because I personally have such a bad anxiety that I see people at the park where they like lay down They look up at the sky and they enjoy themselves and I'm like I can't because I always kind of have this like really intense Constant fear that something from the sky will fall and kill me. Sure, right? So I can't I don't like looking up I don't like the darko effect. Yes. So maybe this is actually maybe the whole country should have this Well, I agree. You have to be aware You never want to die like martini olive

You don't want something to spike through your heart and then you drowned into theoretically lick a whole leak a whole series of different kind of vodka juices But interestingly enough this woman is not alone According to federal agencies now, you can always trust them because they're federal and they're all federal. They say that 3,000 people a year Are injured by beach umbrellas. So maybe we need to just go with the beach umbrella hatch 3,000 a year, which I'm not Very object makes it almost a pandemic

I'm not surprised at all because I have an umbrella on my deck and that fucker if you leave it open It will cause a lot of damage. Yeah, a lot of havoc. Interestingly enough. According to the journal of safety research Ooh, that would be a fun place to work. Wouldn't it? I think it's filled with a lot of people that are bummers Yeah, I think so too the majority of people that are injured by beach umbrellas are women over 40 I have no idea. You know how this is happening. Why is it happening? I can see where it is over 40. I could see it's all in the quiet beaches It's like where my mom used to go my mom used to go to this one beach, right? Or she was just like what I loved said I could go and I could put my toes in the water

And I didn't have to worry about anybody playing that loud music And I didn't have to worry about people playing with the ball and enjoying themselves They just sit quiet, but then everybody realized. Hey, this is this great beach and then people sort of having fun there Well, my mom stopped going but I don't like what I would think of I would also say if they're going to this beach, you know, if you're talking about people over 40 Not just women as you get older and age your strength goes down. So I'm thinking that it's people out there on the beach They go No, they're putting it up

They're putting it in but they're not putting it in very deep because they don't have like the strength of a young person Right, I put it in very deep a big gust comes and that thing Swacks them in the head as it's on its way out of the ground and they're of course They're on the beach with many other people that are of age of a certain age and it just takes all of them out like a bunch of bowling balls Are you about to bowl in pens? And you figured that after that night Marish Day Normandy December of 1943

Yes, you think that those guys would know a thing or two about how dangerous the beach could be Absolutely Maybe some umbrellas would have held them out a little bit. Maybe it would have and I think that again when it comes down to If you are defeated by a beach umbrella You really need to think about doing some upper body strength training Well, she's not thinking about much now because she is a victim and the saddest thing is she was at Scotty's beach bar And she was a local. She was just trying to live a wonderful garden city beach lifestyle And unfortunately many people did say on social media

Final destination Perhaps she was almost hit by a car like you were a day previous and she survived But she wasn't supposed to survive for whatever reason the car swerved when it should have swopped and saved her life But then the beach umbrella had its revenge I think d-day was in june I don't know Pearl harbour that was december 6th. They're all the same. I I don't know what every I don't know what time every false flag took place Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, when did fdr give us over to the traders? Absolutely. Yeah, d-day was june 6th 1944

I mean you googled it so it took you to this amount. You're not smarter than us because you googled it I knew it was in june though. You knew that we were wrong. I was making a bit about beach umbrellas And this is what somebody wrote on facebook They say some things we will never begin to understand but what we do know is No one has a bad thing to say about this woman. No, but so be careful out there I just did not realize three thousand people a year, especially if you're a gal over 40 Apparently these umbrellas have mommy issues and they they want you dead. I just it's so weird to me What a strange stat. I I don't know. I feel that uh

Uh, also, this is like one of the rare times where women as they age They're getting it worse because mostly it's like men your feet start to fall off Yeah, and then you just automatically get some kind of cancer and tumor and a weird voice All I know is the osteoporosis Oh All I know is is that that south kind of liner bar is going to have some of the that's going to have that story For forever. Yeah, and they'll be sitting there. Of course they do they so excited those bartenders I love them. You know, I mean we all need material. I'm desperate for material and the fact that you could just sit there

Material Henry absolutely is it is right now. You know what they're gonna do They're gonna literally just did material on this. No, that was not material That was us mourning the loss of a wonderful beautiful woman that needs a beer Now more so than ever and you know for a fact they had because at any time a bar regular dies For at least that weekend they have their favorite drinks and they put them in their bars and you say don't sit on that bar That was that's that's John's bar seat for another 48 hours. And then he liked the little shots and he has this little beer Anyway A roast as dark as the night

Perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes He's just trying to warn you of the bridge the bridge Finally from the caffeine addled brains of spring hill jack coffee and last podcast on the left Bre bring you moth men's red-eye blend. Yes. Delicious Panama beans. Go to lastpodcastmerch.com To order yours today Well also speaking of uh speaking of water and beaches Do you see this story that happened in new york city or the new york area a dude actually fought a shark Is this this is real wait a second. Is this just the fucking uh viral marketing content for that beast movie

Dude looks kind of cool. I'm rooting for the lion. Isn't that weird what comes down to it because when it comes down to If he uh, I fully believe if you go to where they are time sure now not getting this all the time about Should we watch nature shows and she's always like the poor antelope the kid is eating the antelope And I was like that she just got to eat Right you come down to yeah, but then the next scene is the antelope destroying some muskrat I mean everything's never there's elbow if he wants to I comes down to that should be a fair fight It's not that lions the villain. It should be idris alba versus the lion We should see the lion story. It should be like lions king. No, I think it should be like lions

It's not just elbow and him should put in sort of boxing match and they both should be given the same exact skill set They're talking about that old navy movie where that dude had to box a donkey I think that it's that's how it should be treated fairly and the lion should get its fair shot to kill idris alba as well Idris alba's got a gun. I think it's a special kind of beast. I think it's like bigger than just a lion It's just a fat lion. No, I saw the image and I think it's a big I bet you there's some like we genetically modified the world's biggest lion Let's see what happens when this family comes to visit nearby. I don't think it's just going to be a random lion Because let's be honest. Yeah, I don't ever trust him and ben

Let me ask you about this story here about the man fighting the shark Uh, are you are you talking about the one that happened two years ago in sydney that just happened to be published by the new york post? Well, this was in august 15th 2022 Which is this year. Oh, wow. Yes, indeed recently widowed husband returns to south africa Where he first met his wife on a long planned trip with his two young daughters to a game reserve managed by an old family friend And a fellow wildlife biologist description of the beast a beast soon a ferocious quote-unquote Man hunting a lion begins attacking them and killing everyone in its path. It's a man hunting lion They're going out to this place. Let me unpack this from the lion's perspective

That's like, hey, you go to the my sacred lion lands You have put a little fun little park where you guys all did just show up We are put in we are enslaved for you to come and look at us and take your fun little pictures from the side And I was like, oh look at the lion Meanwhile, that used to be his home now if somebody else's vacation spot Of course that lion's could be fucking mad when it comes down to it again. I'm not pro the lion But I do think it's even I think it should be neutral and we should look at that lion's perspective Well, he's coming in there. I'm fine with looking at the lion's perspective

But at some point it's going to cross the lion But the two of them should then fight equally and then two of her wins. You don't know what happens in the movie You know, we'll ease your elbow. It's going to beat the lion We don't know Actually, he's going to beat the lion. All right. Well fantastic And he literally on a caprio beat a bear. He beat the bear Oh my god That's just because the bear was like tell me more about titanic and then when the bear was listening to his stories about

Kate Winslow's bosom. Yeah, he vaped in his face. But anyway, I'm actually looking at this image now of this guy So called battling the shark and I realized it's a baby shark basically and then he hooked it on accident And then um, they were trying to unhook it and the shark was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? It's a little tiger shark They did unhook it and then it was able to go back into the water So the headline is a little bit of a lie. Yeah, because um, they didn't bite the shark. It was four feet I could yeah You punch the shark and the tiger shark is a non-aggressive species of shark. Yeah

He might as well have beat a little boy. Yeah, no Honestly, he might as well have killed like a Dog Like yeah, I know I always find it bad in movies The thing you do because like can you imagine that a big ravenous dog is like jumping on you and trying to get at you You have to kill it What do you think I have dreams like that where I have like a snapping dog is coming at me Sometimes it's like holding McNeely and just imagining like having to put my arm around the dog's throat and having to choke it out

Right like sad for me Now you mentioned I have killed a lot of dogs in my dreams But like really like I don't know what I think it's because I play a lot of video games And there's always mean dogs and video games and I've killed a lot of those I think it's just seep in it. I had to kill one in red dead redemption. It was much like that No country for old men when he's getting chased by the dog and the dog's about to eat him And you got to shoot him in the head sometimes real quick I mean, you know a dog is only as good as their owner

I guess so I think but now I'm just sad don't shoot the dogs Oh this whole thing has been sad Beat a baby shark to death There's a whole song about baby sharks people love and and then lion is wrong the beast movie's wrong It's all wrong. I don't think beast is wrong. I just feel like it's you know I would prefer to be honest with you. I the fact that Idris Elba He's more of a lovable person. So I wish it was like a bunch of rich dipshit Trump being type kids going over there to big game hunt

And then you can just have the lions rip them apart for an hour and a half and every and then like the Coyote can say thank you and then a little squirrel can like be nibbling on their eyeballs That's what I would like to see. I also just rewatched Pacific Rim and then oh that's so authoritative than that film Truly so it's a great movie very serious Yes, but I would prefer because I'm going to have empathy and sympathy for the family of this man But I wish it was just douchebags going on and maybe he plays a douchebag I have sympathy for the kids But I don't have into I don't have sympathy for Idris Elba

Well, he did do a horrible thing for his family to bring them into a jungle that is infested by human eating lions It's not exactly like how do I make my family as safe as possible? I don't know. Yeah, exactly. You brought them to the lion's house But anyway, be safe out there on the beach. That's what we're saying. I mean if we're talking about cats I get a story about cats for you. Yeah, please do. Oh, interesting. We we are kind of talking adjacent to cats Yeah, yeah, well this story is out of jennesy township, pennsylvania Suspicious about frequent visits to her bedroom a woman set up a secret camera and captured her father-in-law using her cat to masturbate Okay, now when you mean using it like when you say using it to masturbate is it like like because now again

It's I will say what's nice. I'm glad that you're here because we've had a very pretty distinct break on bestiality stories inside stories And we just we don't make up the news. No, so people have been you you know what applause your applaud yourself We all manage to just keep ourselves for fucking animals for the last several months But it's nice to be back. Yeah, well the alleged perpetrator is 66 year old herald Stanley kindredine kindredine's wife is gonna ruin every single family event Every holiday is done. How do you spell the last name kindredine k-e-n-d-e-r-d-i-n-e Kindredine's wife Sonia warned her son Nathan and daughter-in-law

Alexandra, this is a whole whole family affair that her husband Nathan stepfather Had been seen going into their bedroom several times over the last month Sonia suggested the couple who lived with her and her husband install a lock on their bedroom door They did not install a lock, but they did install an indoor security camera The next day while she was out she started getting notifications from the security system about activity in the bedroom The camera captured kindredine walking into the bedroom around 11 15 a.m. This is 11 15 in the morning I don't know why that makes it even more bizarre. That means he woke up and one of the first thoughts He has was I got to go jerk off with this cat

Yeah, he walked over to the bed where the couple's calico cat Callie was sleeping Here's where it gets a little graphic This is the dad stepdad of this woman's husband. Yes stepdad And why is he there's a lot of there's a lot of he's living in the house It seems okay kindredine's wife Sonia warned her son Nathan And daughter-in-law Alexandria that her husband Nathan, okay So this woman is it like knew that her husband was going into his son and his daughter-in-law's Bedroom, but not her husband. No her her. Yes. It was her husband

Sonia this woman she called him in but this like but the thing is is that Harold Stanley kindredine He is going in and out of this house and they were getting really annoyed with it, right? They were saying hey stop just entering into our home with no get out of permission So what they did to in order to stop this for somebody it is really weird They didn't put in a nanny camp Right to see whether or not he was the evidence that he was going in out of there and trying to catch him Yeah, and so at 11 15 a.m. Kindredine entered the room put his hand to his crotch then picked the cat up He grabbed the animal by its sides and thrusted himself against the cat repeatedly as he walked around the bed

The video shows kindredine's penis is out of the zipper fly of his pants He continued to masturbate for a short time then left the room. It sounds like one of the worst cat sitters Oh horrible. Absolutely. It sounds like a deleted episode idea for king of queens involving jerry stiller Where he just has sex with the family's animals, but according to him now he has Oh, we're gonna hear from him. He has an explanation. Okay, hold on. So the cat bucker made a statement. Yeah, he said I don't want to hear from him. Is that okay? No, he said that the his main thing was that the cat hair felt good But he wanted to stipulate that he has never Penetrated the cat whenever you have to stipulate that something horrible has happened. Yes

And when he was asked further, why did you do it kindredine said it was quote Just a guy thing. It's not a guy thing That's don't bring us into this. I am so fucking sick of all of this like there's just what guys do guy thing You do and you stand alone my friend see guys. Let's just say what what do guys really like? Um barbecue. Yeah, I think I if I say just the guy thing It would be real stank barbecue, right? Like gross barbecue. I'd say like don't like that a different like a la fraig Right, like if you want to use to be stereotypical like a super a super super smoky like almost Undrinkable scotch

Oh, yeah, I love super smoky like pd. Yeah, I love that. Yes I'm just being like that's my like in terms of like super stereotypical good guys like right. Yeah, Sammy Hagar Yeah, oh, yeah, like not driving 55. Yeah guys love that shit. I like you know, I watch old car videos sometimes Like, you know, I like watching like I like watching fucking like to be honest. I like watching uh frontier cooking Hmm. Yeah, like bringing the cast iron skillet out to the campfire. Yeah, that's great I love like old time guy in like a revolutionary costume like doing the old timey recipes. I think that's fun, right? Civil war reenactments. I love that shit. Yeah, I don't want to be blue, but the answer is blowjobs

I mean, that is like it's every every man loves a bro. That is 98 percent universal But not every guy. Yeah, not every guy must have rub On a cat That's true. Enjoy themselves because to me that my main my main problem with it would be all like it's a cat It's a cat. That's number one. It's also not that it's cat, which I don't even know if that It doesn't change anything really, but it's also an invasion of privacy for them What he did add After saying that it felt good and after saying that it was just a guy thing

He also told the state trooper who interviewed him that he did it to quote piss off his stepson and stepdaughter-in-law Yes, he did a spite and also not not just that it felt good and it was a guy thing but also out of spite Okay, it's not a guy thing and maybe it did feel good, but I have to ask What oh my god, did he complete the task on said cat? Yeah, cuz yeah No, it sounds from what it sounds like he just rubbed on the cat He rubbed his penis on the cat for a little while because remember he does maintain that he did not penetrate the cat And then actually he didn't even finish he it says that he continued to masturbate masturbate for a short time Then left the room

I would say that the article from north central pa.com does not specify That the man ejaculated it does not say that That's a disease that is happening in this country. Yeah, it is but on the other hand He might not bet the camera than any cam might not have been strong enough or it's sharp enough of a focus to capture The set ejaculate to be honest. I think I'm the cat so it's more that he is like he realized He was like, oh, I'm all fucking yeah. I'm all show damn I'm all show them all jerk off with the cat and then about halfway through he's like, man, this is actually It's like not a real guys thing. You know, like he said

He realized like this is not I don't like I don't like it. I actually kind of now that I've approached all this and I had a big old plan on this and it's like well, you know I'm just finished it at home Really does seem like he thought it was a guy thing though because he did talk about it being a guy thing afterwards Yeah, so I guess he's just not invited around anymore Well, he's been charged even though he maintains that he did not penetrate the cat He has been charged with sexual intercourse with an animal. I mean, it's definitely a sexual outer course

You know the second base with the cat Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna do a close enough here on this one judge. It's close enough It's close enough. It's for sure. It's a horseshoe defense. It's also just uh at some point It's a man What crime like don't the people get like he did something wrong for the family too, right? Because if you like hurt somebody else's animal, that's like animal abuse and croaking animals was the secondary charge Yeah, you'll get you'll probably get two years And then he gets get that fun thing where you get to go to jail

And you get to everybody does the thing where they pull your card and they try to find out what it is And you're there for and then when they find out that you're there for fucking cats They make your life a living hell. Oh, it's really not going to be good. No, it's really not of his life He's always going to be the guy who fucked a cat and mr. Harold harry kindredean is harry kindredean. His whole life is going to be i never Penetrated that cat right. He's playing. He's literally splitting hairs in more ways than one. Well, we'll see what he does here He could be like this guy edward leclerc 57 years old. He's a total piece of shit He had he was found guilty of five counts of sexual abuse and well being read that he is being found guilty

Well, the jury is like me guilty. He drank this fluid while sitting there and he died. He committed suicide right there So how did he get that fluid into really just look like water? Yeah, just look like water and everyone's like, I guess he's got you want to stay hydrated when you're being When you're becoming a convicted sexual predator. The most important thing is hydration Well, they said that it was a cloudy liquid So this they did but it's weird that he was able to bring in his own water But I guess he was out on bail But he was pretty sure it seemed like that he was going to be convicted

But the fact that he waited and tell the verdict was read before he chugged it made makes me think that he thought that He still had a chance Maybe just maybe that judge had a fucking dream and saved me like a baby figure. Ah, yeah He realized like oh, I just found out my judge is Larry Nasser. I might get up. I might get up Well, yeah, he drank all that and I feel like there needs to be some kind of old Maybe a little bit of a look see about whether or not he had like how the fuck do you get that type of liquid in? Even water. I'm actually really surprised. You don't even have to have water from the other side I just don't think many people thought he was gonna pull it off like he was some, you know, rushing

Dude who was uh, you know, gonna drink plutonium instead of go to the gulag But it is unfortunate to the victims that he doesn't have to go spend the rest of his days in prison It is it is very very sad. Yeah, it's I feel bad for the victims because they didn't get his punishment Absolutely From your clay. Hey, what's up everyone? How you doing ben kissle here with Henry Zabrowski? Yeah, it's me, man. Yeah, bro. Henry Zabrowski is smoking some of that sweet last podcast on the left, babe Go out there and purchase yourself some. I hope you enjoy it We have sativa. We have indica and we have a hybrid and I have to tell you for my personal experience

They are wonderful super tasty live resin. You really get the delicious weedy taste, which is what I like and three different experiences You go to your local vape store and get it. Absolutely. Thank you all so much for supporting the show We absolutely love you can't wait to see on the road and get that vape put it in your brain and have a good time And if you want to set your favorite weed store, give them a call and ask for them by name last podcast on the left It's weed. Hail yourselves. Everyone. Hail Satan Now I want to talk a little bit of UFOs with marcus Please. Okay. I'll step out. Yes. Get the fuck out of here. Fantastic Uh, but no, I don't like it's the

Now what I love is everybody talks about one of the biggest things in modern UFO discourse is Where's the pictures? Of course, right? Especially nowadays, you know, now that everybody's got a camera Yeah, everyone thinks like we all have a high power powerful the most powerful cameras on the market or in our pockets Right. Why can't we catch them? Why they always is very blurry and it actually, you know It speaks to a little bit of the mysterious origins of the phenomena Right. Sure. Maybe more of the elemental sort of like chemistry slash psychic nature of the phenomena. I don't know I think it also just goes to show you that no matter how advanced these iPhones get our eyeballs are still better at telling the full picture because I stopped taking pictures outside of planes

Because you know, you see something outside of a plane like lightning crash No, it always looks like garbage on there and then you look and you're like, what the fuck? No one's going to see how cool this was. It's like pictures of fireworks. Yeah, absolutely. No one cares. No one cares Everyone hates them. Don't film. No one cares. No, they want to see them live or not at all. Most people don't even like fireworks Why are you? But this story what I do think is interesting what I have found out in my research over the years We talked to someone like recently talks about how a lot of UFO researchers the reason why we don't see the good shit It's because they hold it. Yeah, is that they keep legal reasons oftentimes, right?

Sometimes it's for legal reasons depending on whether or not they got it because a lot of times what they'll do It's like some guy will show some Ufologists that he's trying to impress because they're all hammered. They've had a bunch of whiskey late at night And it's like you want to see this fucking weird thing? You can't show it to anybody and then you're allowed to take a little screenshot of it But then there you can only see it if you know that ufologists like and then a lot of times they hold out because they know how um We know that the UFO we know that the ufo scene is not exactly the most financially solvent

No, although let's be honest It's getting much better than it used to be sort of because before it would ruin their life And now you can't have a career still you have to be time to set up a patreon page Yeah, sure a little bit better than it used to be but not that much better, right? I mean, yes, they hold on to the material because they want to sell it, right? That's a big thing or package it with a book. Sure. It's like it's like um frisbee golf Yes, it is on espn every now and again, but no one thinks it's a sport No one actually thinks that you know that thing you see it play people play at mcarran that bouncy ball sport

Have you seen that where they put out the little trampoline they all smack a ball at each other that thing I don't even know what it's called. It just they can't go on. I did watch it again It's on espn like four it is and no matter what it takes four seconds because yeah, but anyway, that's all What do you think then cornhole sport or not sport? Anything that's sponsored by johnsonfield brats and it is it actually does take a lot. It's like it's like darts Yeah, I actually really love it sport cornhole is a sport There's also a funny thing in cornhole where this one guy he would always have a cup in his hand and because he said I've only played when I'm drinking, but he wasn't drinking during the competition, but he just trained with a beer in his hand

Yeah, he has something he holds one in his hand and they're like, why do you do that? He's like, it's balance. I guess I don't know. It's because I'm an alcohol. It's a good sport So this story is real um, and it's it's very interesting the quote-unquote best ufo picture ever Which is called the calvina photo was found after 30 years missing now Well, they think that might have been released by some guy who had it and finally they're like, ah, fuck it But this the thing has been rumored to be around for a long time now august 4th 1990 two hikers near calvini in scotland, right? So this is a scottish photo took a photograph of a mysterious diamond shape object, right?

Now this thing it's been dubbed the calvin photo No one's they talked about it in ufo circles for years But then this dude this british journalist david clark finally dug it up Uh-huh, and so he was a curator for britain's national archives and he found their this this former raf press officer Craig Lindsay had held on to a copy of this photo this print of it For this long time a long long time And it's really cheap because it was one of the series apparently there was about six photos taken by these hikers

Okay, and this was the one that you can see now if you look at it. It's fucking awesome It's about as clear as it gets it is a diamond shape ufo in the sky You see a little bit of barbed wire fence what seems to be for scale and distance and right next to it's a little fighter jet That looks like it possibly was scrambled to go look at it Also, we want to thank the person who spoke at our q&a in philadelphia He was an airline pilot and he had a great story about looking up seen a ufo and then thank god He was with the buddy so they can confirm it otherwise. I think he would have gone crazy. Maybe Now this is an interesting story like i'm reading a little bit about this

You know what one of the people who talked to the two guys because the two guys have never come forward And in fact their identity is sealed until 2072 Long after their death long long after their death even nixon unsealed his stuff before that they're afraid They're afraid of for their lives. Yeah, that's crazy So these guys said that they saw the object first Then they saw the jet then two minutes later. They saw the jet again Circling the object which is interesting Yeah, I mean it's it's clear again. One thing I will caveat here, which I think it is important

We don't know if it's extraterrestrial or not But it looks solid as hell and when they did a lot of runs of the experiments try to check out the validity of this photo According to this report that was made by a senior lecturer in photography Hallam University's Andrew Robinson. What a fun time. Oh, he loves it. He says it shows no sign of manipulation, right? It follows that this is either a genuine and identified flying object in the sky Or that any construction or manipulation used to create this effect obscure occurred in front of the camera and not in the capturing of the scene of the film No one's gonna process the thing and printing the image and so okay, so at very least it's really really well done

Uh bakery. Yeah. Yeah, someone went to you at the same time people just threw a disc up in the sky But it's very weird looking Well, clark, you know the guy who held on to the photo for many years He believes that it's not an actual it's not a an alien spacecraft He thinks that it's a man-made object that's in a secret hangar somewhere that this is a government Built object. I have a theory that there are a couple of these that used to be They used to be was misidentified as UFOs that what if there is a there's a scenario here Where they had objects sitting in a hangar like they've had something that's like a

UFO some kind of craft and a hanger very similar to independence day, which is why a lot of people were like government they gave them this story and that's what it's a propaganda today is our independence day But what if they could crawl into this thing and they have just enough knowledge to turn it on And it can like you like go up and down They can like move it in a circle and then that's it. You know what I mean? They haven't like that sounds like a really shitty battle, but it is Because we don't know how to do all the tricks with it or maybe there's like a psychic element that we don't have That's what they say like the idea that like these little grays they slide in there

And this is just one of the strike of physical UFOs that could be real or not You know like who knows like who knows it's like or is it something that is completely man-made that we have like a couple of Diversions of it like we talked about how like there it is true But like the Nazi Attempts to build some form of disc like maybe we did get some of that shit back in the day and retrofitted some of it It can go up and down and go back and forth and that's a flying battle-bought wars right now They're on the ground. We got to get these things up in the air. That'd be really exciting. Yeah, it'd be great Oh, it's gonna happen

Well, the psychic angle of it is interesting to me because for me that kind of harkens back to the bear scenario Do you remember the bear scenario? Oh, I've seen that before absolutely the bear scenario. That's where this guy tony and this other guy Robert they get together and oh my god. I couldn't identify half of the things they were doing this game pornography Oh Well, the bear scenario is a scenario that tries to compare Humans and animals to aliens and humans like in the fact that say like there's a bear That's sitting out in the woods then all of a sudden a helicopter comes flying in shoots it with a dart

They go down the humans go down They put a collar on the bear like a tracking collar on the bear and the bear wakes up and has a tracking collar on his Is on it around his neck, but the bear doesn't know what a helicopter is the bear doesn't know what a dart is The bear doesn't know what a tracking collar is all the bear knows that some weird shit happen What's this a political ad by ronald ragan? There's a bear in there Yeah, but it could be that sort the same sort of thing with the aircraft because technically a bear could climb into a helicopter And press something A helicopter move

Truly absolutely you can yeah, but the bear would be in control of the helicopter nor did understand what the helicopter's for Well, either way, so that's exciting. So there was a flying saucer, huh? It's just I find it interesting How dare you how dare you minimize this as always No, literally that is what happened. Oh, yes But who knows because it was up in the air who fucking knows what it is I do think it's interesting because it was obviously over some form of like they show the chain link fence I also I don't really get the when people have the the defense of maybe it's some form of Top secret material or it's like why would they fly them over where people would see?

Yeah, yeah, why would they fly them in scotland? Well, because now we know it's kind of the What we found about the rendle shim Yeah, like stories is that the united states and the various places that you find out they have like super top secret Shit, it's amongst the bogs of the uk because it's where people don't go bog people bog people Also, if you're in the uk check out the museum They actually have bog people and they are fully preserved. So cool. It's pretty British museum

The now that you fucking royal British museum was fucking awesome. All right. Well, so cool speaking of saucers Let's move on to sauce spaghetti sauce is under threat as the water crisis slams tomatoes I think this is absolutely fascinating. No, I mean this is this is it is sort of this is a flavor of it But this is the deep bottom of the barrel story someone would say 1200 we're in the worst drought in 1200 years, right? I don't know I'm telling you because that's what Mike Montanano says. I I know they're worried about the tomatoes They're worried about the avocados. They're worried about the the uh, what's it spots the almonds And these need I I don't know don't almonds outlaw almonds now outlaw almond milk

Well, just some milk the milk where it's there's water. So according to Mike Montanano He's the head of the california tomatoes tomatoes growing This is a problem that you really can't do this story because you do have a problem not saying tomatoes And so it's actually very difficult to talk seriously about the drought problems and again It's totally outside of marcus's and I purview both. We have no clue how to talk about water levels or or like I could say like I like tomatoes. I mean coming from a ranching family. I could vaguely talk about droughts vaguely Well, Mike Mike says we desperately need rain. You know what that's like marcus. Of course Yeah, you need rain. That's that's the whole thing about being a farmer. That's or a ranch or either one

That's why it's the the worst job in america because you are constantly at the mercy of the weather gaya Yeah, exactly. And also it sounds like having a conversation with my 75 year old parents Because all they ever do like is it raining there? I bet you need it. Oh, yeah Well, it rains. Oh yesterday. He wouldn't believe it rained from seven to nine And then it rained again from three to seven. It is a little interesting though It's just so nice because we needed it in the pool You know, that's the thing that Ben actually mentioned earlier the thing about how you instinctively go to water as you grow older That's not necessarily true. I did look that up and then we moved on before I could bring it up

But people do need more water as they grow older. So the elders Obsession with rain could be subconsciously linked to the increase need for water Or I you know, it's that and then the water is leaving them. That's why we become all wrinkly, right? We still become human races because the water leaves our bodies Maybe that's it too. And they're just long to soak it back up. And of course, california raisins. What song did they sing? Heard it through the grapevine take me to the river. I montana. I don't think that's true I don't think they sang that song. Well, that was a talking head song in an Otis redding song No, but they the raisins got a lot of rights for those a lot of music

Um, so montana says it's really tough to grow a tomato right now Do you think you know if people also instinctually go to the bathroom when they're having a heart attack? Is that right? Yeah I don't know if that's true. That's completely true people instinctually It's why people die in the bathroom more often than not because when they're having a form of cardiac or stroke It seems to there is a natural impulse to walk to the bathroom Walk to the bathroom interesting. Yeah, because that's where you go to have the bad things I know that's why I plan to have my heart attack. I mean, that's where you go. That's where the band-aids are

That's near sport is that's where the toilet paper is I actually I wouldn't ever I wouldn't say that I've ever thought of the toilet as the place where I go where the bad things are I never thought that when you when you are dying Do you naturally? Go to the bathroom, but not shit not shit. Do people would not defecate after death? Well, just just briefly here on tomatoes bruce rominger. He's a fifth generation farmer. You can trust him He hopes to turn a profit of 800 acres of tomatoes that he began harvesting in july But he says it's a gamble

So we just don't know. Yeah, great. It's like the super drought It's like the new warning thing that they're doing in cali where they're saying like Oh, we better set up like oh, we're drought now But you better be careful because these rains are going to come they're going to wash everything away This type of thing and it's been like but it hasn't happened yet But you're going to think of me when you go to your Ralph's and your supermarkets and your Wegmans and you don't see tomato sauce You're going to know why now. That's why this show is so important to be honest I think that there's nothing nothing's going to change you would know that's not are you still in this world?

Yes, that nothing changes when all things have done is change I'm just saying that I don't think the level of tomato sauce Availability is going to change. I'm excited for the text. I think it's I think it's going to change I think you're going to go to the you're going to go to the store one day and you're going to get your ketchup And it's not going to I know I know you make your own sauce You're going to be freaking out and I was like, well, maybe you should have listened to the article to prepare for this I didn't hear every day and be like, it's the day the day when the tomatoes go now If I go to the store are there going to be no tomatoes?

No, call me when it happens the day that you have to buy hunts instead of hines That's going to be a sad day my friend and it's coming I actually walked into my house the other day and Natalie I don't know what the hell crossed her fucking mind There was Anne's natural ketchup in the refrigerator. Oh come on I know it's like, what are we? What is this? Am I fucking Elizabeth Warren? Well, you live in Burlington, Vermont about $15 worth of ketchup right there. Yeah, what are we doing here? Was this some kind of communist fucking

Cell I'm a part of give me the shit with the sugar in it. Give me the fucking Heinz Heinz I wanted to have microplastics in it I need the processed that is why because of the big oils or because of the big sugar sums of these corn syrup and things The average american they're 15 pounds heavier now than they were in 1980 You know, so maybe maybe your girlfriend is trying to tell you that you're Maybe your wife is trying to tell you to lose weight is what I'm saying. You're disgusting You're a bastard. Well, according to grapefruit You know to this whole today's episode I we have learned this I feel like we're in the like I feel like we're in the waiting room

in a vfw Like this. I feel like this is all like things that only scare 70 plus you're like a va not a vfw Well, according to prude just lastly he said this in a phone interview He says if you're looking for a significant amount of tomato paste and you have it already contracted it Then you're not then you're really not going to be able to get it. It's just not gonna be there Tomatoes are not in danger yet. Wait until you don't have your pasta sauce. Yeah Yeah, wait when your mom's calling you and we told him it's can you send this more pasta sauce another reason to hang up

Yeah, because I know I know you make your own sauce and I know you need cans of tomato paste for that I know you do I do but again call me when it's an emergency Because then we'll figure it out. I just told you it's an emergency. It's not yet It literally is they just are desperate for to meant they're desperate for to mention that is tomato attention And that is literally what that's all there and that's all they are They're a bunch of little and the meteor horrors over there in the tomato industry And I'm sick of it because they're like never got those ever got those that is true Is there a national tomato council?

I know there is and you know they're desperate for money because the Italian economy is falling to shit No, there's the world processing tomato count council. There's the florida tomato committee. There's the tomato wellness council Okay, the lord all these guys embezzling money off of fruits. He's fucking tomatoes are just they're living their lives And let's not forget the global tomato congress How much money is being just like, uh, it's just so much tomato awareness. That's what I'm saying, man Wow, why is tomato awareness here today? The global tomato congress there in the hag There you go. Really? Yeah, there you go. Well, well this week's year of the week is marcus parks

You sat through what would be arguably one of the worst episodes we've ever done. Yeah, I'm really proud of you, man I'm glad I contributed to that No, no, you did you know like because you researched all this shit that you did just while you were sitting there You're handsome. You're different. That's right. Half paid attention. It was great. You're right in there with us Technically we did teach again number one tomato shortage. We got that number two if you are lady over 40 No beach umbrellas should be around you at any time. Keep your head in fucking swivel head on a swivel What else did we learn? I don't know Man masturbating with cat and we learned oh, you know what we learned

We learned that you can rub your dick on a cat and yet not penetrate it But still get charged with penetrating the cat and that's what I'm really thankful when it comes down to it Because it really comes down to the taste level of the judge and and if you got any receipts Because you know you got some receipts with that cat fucking is that there's going to be a little bit of litter in the bush hair Yeah, and and we definitely and we definitely proved once again. Don't fuck the cat Don't just walks into the courtrooms and sees he has like a little car fuel calendar and like a little car fuel He's like this is going to be really bad for you. Oh Look at me. Oh god. Well. Thank you for listening to side stories. This has been side stories

Marcus park summer vacation edition. That's right. I'm really happy. We learned what we did we learned something We're here. Thank you for letting us talk to you and next week We have an even more special summer vacation edition episode where we're going to talk about some of our favorite late summer horror films Yes, can't wait also grapes if you want to stay alive eat those or just I mean, they're great They're all right reasons spinach is also good for you. I actually don't mind spinach I love spinach. Yeah, I eat spinach multiple times a week. I absolutely adore it. You should it's one of the most It's one of the most healthy things that you can eat. Yeah, I just put some vinegar on it and it's wonderful That's it. Yeah, just vinegar. I just put vinegar oil a little bit of olive oil just a little bit

Yeah, you need the olive if it's just vinegar. I'm them. Yeah a little bit of olive oil a little bit of vinegar And I just eat it by the handful Honestly, I do this with Natalie too. I called getting the leaves in Yeah, where I just force it into my body and I do no I prefer to do it with my fingers though. I don't like you can't eat it with a fork No, I can't with fingers too. It's fun. I can but the fork I get too many with the fork You get there's no precision with the fork you get too many fingers are all greasy This is the only thing then Marcus and I have in common

Yeah, it's me one of the only ones that we have in common food wise maybe maybe All right, look at that. You can find common ground with even one of your longest friends when it comes to food All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. We hope you're doing well out there. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan And we'll be back next week. We're more back to the perfect concert This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com