Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Joe Exotic 2020

Episode Date: September 13, 2018

Guess who's back. Back again. Benry's back, tell a friend. Topics in this one: a serial pusher, befriending the aliens, and Joe Exotic for president. Good night and good luck and live and laugh and love. This week's Side Stories is brought you by Stamps.com. Get a 4 week trial at http://stamps.com with promo code: SIDE

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Guess who's back. Uh-oh. Back again. Guess who's back. Is it 50 set? Guess who's back. Guess who's back. It's Pluto. Uh, the planet. They're trying to make it a planet again. And on September 11th, this is what they're doing.

They never should have not made Pluto a planet. It's science. They revoked its planet status for no reason. They said it was too small. And now their researchers are saying that Pluto should never have lost its status as a planet. And I just think it's these thirsty ass central port of scientists looking for attention when it's this day of morning. So we're going to use this day of morning to come out. Today is September 11th that we're recording the show. And then they're going to say, oh, me, me, me. Oh, actually today's about Pluto.

But it's not. It's about the lives that were lost. And that building, that day, how many years ago was it? Really? 2001, it's 2018. 17 years ago. So you mean to tell me the boy that was born that day who could have seen, now can see an R rated film? Almost. Now he's going off and telling the scientists that Pluto should be a planet. I like the way things were before. Well, I think it's fine. You mentioned Eminem and I made a massive mistake.

I bought three albums on iTunes, but they were all the radio edits. So there's really no Eminem songs if there's no swearing. Anyway, all right, this is Side Stories. I am Ben. That's Henry. Travis Morningstar is also here. He's a producer. Not Marcus Parks. Not Marcus Parks. Travis talks sometimes. So if you hear a third mystery voice, it's not a ghost, it's Travis.

Today is 9-11, so if you do get a chance, if you want to mourn, go back to our last podcast on the left. 9-11 series, wonderful series, specifically The Day Of. That's part one. And if you want to remember how absolutely horrific and sad and tragic today actually was 17 years ago, feel free to go and kind of have a bummer of a couple of hours. Why did you say it so happy? Because I try to make people digest the sadness of reality. It's like almost like you're dancing on the edge of illusion.

And then every single day you're pushing back on the tides of your own personal darkness. No, actually my darkness, I got my medications, I got my couch. It's football season, the pack attack came out, and they beat the Bears in a massive comeback. I'm doing pretty good. That's not what this show is about. No, I understand. All right, let's get what this show is about. First of all.

You think though, honestly, before it started again, 9-11, hard day, do you think that Dick Cheney still will sit like alone? Because he's a ranch, right? Do you think he sits with a glass of Madeira and he's just like, another year, another celebration, and just toast himself? Yeah, he might. I have no illusions that he is not a supervillain. I can't find anything.

He's got his third heart. It's amazing he's still alive. You say the word amazing, it seems like it's more like a tragedy. Like they should have just let him die so he can finally go to war criminal the afterlife, whatever the fuck that is. And now we're supposed to say he's cute? No. He's this whole thing that he flipping it, like we're supposed to act like Dick Cheney

and George Bush, we're like innocent. They're all talking about George Bush sneaking, what's her name, Michelle Obama like candies during the Aretha Franklin funeral, and it's just like he's a fucking war criminal. We still have to act like it's totally fine. No one, I still think, yeah, George W. Bush getting a little bit too much love these days because of his adorableness. I don't think anyone has any misconceptions about Dick Cheney still. Also, he's at his third heart.

I would be so pissed if I died and I'm like, give my heart to a struggling child. Give my heart to someone who is going to do with the world's good. I'll take it. God damn it. George Bush did kind of like a reverse Hitler. He started as a war criminal and then became a painter of Yorkshire Terriers and Tony Blair. He's a fairly good artist too. Maybe he should have started with that and he could have been the next Salivar Dolly.

Salivar Dolly. That's right. I don't think it's Salivar Dolly. No, he is a perfunctory painter. All right. When you look at his paintings, it's simple and it's childish and it's fine. He does dogs. Okay, so we got a couple of stories.

Henry, you got a couple of you. It's 9-11. We're here. We're mixing it up. Right. So we got a couple of stories here. We got aliens. They're back in the news.

In Henry's world, they're never out of the news. But in the mainstream world, oftentimes they pop in and pop out perhaps as they do in our reality. We also have a situation happening in Manchester, a wonderful city that we were at just briefly. What was it? Two years ago, something's going on with the canals. Is there a pusher? And then we also have a fun story about a zookeeper who did something real bad. So we'll talk about that.

Do we want to start with aliens? Well, there's a series of weird events that are kind of happening over the last couple of days that are... I'm not sure if they're connected or not, but it's a fun little... They look like the news feed that you'd see at the beginning of a sci-fi slash horror movie. That is now kind of coming light. And it seems really innocent, but it's like the first five pages of a horror movie series. Number one is that the SETI is starting to use AI to start expanding their ability to measure and record and pick up patterns in things that they were saving. A message that they say they're saving.

So can we say... This seems like page six of a horror movie. Page five is that everyone's skinny dipping, and then they're having a nice time. They're in a car. The guy is smoking a little dope behind the wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not this kind of horror movie. Okay, this is a different kind.

No, no, no. This is obvious. This is science-based, because if you saw a lot of these scientists skinny dipping, oh, you'd be so sad. Because it would just be me and Stanton Freeman just out being like, do you think that maybe Bobby will come back from his trip to the store early? No, Stanton. I think we have all the time in the world. And it should be just eating his asshole on the beach. What kind of movie is this?

Yeah, exactly. The alien comes out and he's just like, this is too hideous to murder. But basically, what they have discovered is a pattern of 72 fast radio bursts from a mysterious source three billion light years from Earth. Okay. Now, fast radio bursts, this is from an article from the Berkeley educational page. All right. You can trust it. So fast radio bursts are bright pulses of radio emission mere milliseconds in duration thought to originate from distant galaxies.

The source of these emissions is still unclear, however. Theories range from highly magnetized neuron stars blasted by gas streams from a nearby supermassive black hole to suggestions that the burst properties are consistent with signatures of technology developed by an advanced civilization. For some reason, when you say this, I just picture like one of those camera shots in adult films where it's just the male's butt. And it's just like the quick mini burst and you're like, why? What is this? What's happening? Yeah, that horrible image in every porn that they shoot behind the ankles of a man. So you could see the worst, most humbling part of a man, which is the back of his balls.

Women that I mean, let me know if you want to see it or don't. I don't know, but I'm not sure who likes that shopping. People do. Okay. Because people like seeing all crevices. I know I like seeing a bunch of different crevices on the ladies I'm interested in. Right. Okay, so back to science.

Back to science. Okay, back to science. Pluto's not a planet. Okay. But basically what they're saying is that it's not that big of a deal, but it's this one area. It's this, I'm trying to find the signature name for it, which was an area called FRB 121102. Okay. It's saying it's kind of releasing these bursts.

Now, obviously we don't, it's probably nothing. Because what it comes down to, it's really saying what are aliens, right? Right. Are they dimensional creatures or are they actually on another planet in another solar system? And I think that there's somewhere kind of like a 50-50 split between the two. Okay. I think obviously there has to be life on other planets in other sections, other galaxies. But we don't know how they'd be seen, right?

We don't know if they use radio. We don't know if they would just be a bunch of nanobots. We don't know if they would literally be the things that we see flying around the sky. The sort of nuts and bolts versions of Starcraft is that if we look at that, that could actually be what the aliens are. We don't know. We certainly don't know how they'd be seen. That is true.

But what is the- Well, sometimes they do be like that, though. Of course they'd be like that a little bit. Aliens drive like this. Maybe. Not aliens drive like that. Yeah. We know it.

But so these, the noises that are being picked up, what does it actually sound like? It's not like- Or it just sounds like that. Or imagine they said something that's very strange. They heard the term. It was, hey, Macarena? Do you remember that? I do.

Do you remember that? Are you old enough? I do remember that. That got a lot of people doing exercise in the form of a dance. I remember that. I did that on my- When we got- What's it?

For Catholicism. When I got my confirmation- Yes, confirmation. We had to do a retreat. And I watched a bunch of nuns do the Macarena. Oh, God. That's a nice- I think that's actually what the movie The Nun is all about.

That's how it ends. The Nun is not good. Oh, really? Don't ruin it for me. I want to see it. It's fun. I got laced. That was the best part about it.

It's like 80 couple edibles. It's fun. But mainly just creepy things in the background. But when it comes down to it, they just don't know what the hell this shit is. Cool. So again, but mostly it's also about the fact that they are using these AI algorithms in order to help find unique signals. That's technically the interesting part of the article is saying like they're using new

learning technology to sort through shit for them. So we're going to be able to send one of these AI machines. We'll be able to send one of those through a black hole here at some point, I would assume, right? And then pick up all the data- Well, we don't even know what the hell that means. They could maybe, or it could blip out. We don't know what the hell happens when you pass the event horizon of a black hole.

Well, that's what this AI is good for. That's the only thing that it's good for, not this Alexis, whatever it is. It's horrible. I tell you what, I do like the Spotify when they show me the new music that I might be interested in. Yeah. That's where they're doing good. If they pick it up on my vibes, it gets my hips going.

And I tell you what, it's a lot of older rock they seem to discover. Have you heard about this new band? Now they're really in the bad side of town. It's Skid Row. Skid Row. Check it out. I love them. Oh, bad neighbor.

But that's just one story that also eerily meets up with this other story, which also, again, means nothing, but it's like the beginning of a horror movie, that the Sunspot Observatory, an observatory with a telescope that is doing some top-secret work. We don't know. None of the articles say what the work was. Okay. It was in Sunspot, New Mexico. On Thursday of last week, it was shut down by the FBI, including a post office that was

nearby, shut down by the FBI, and there's no, they don't know why. It was just this research facility that has since been completely walled off. The post office has been shut down. The workers have been moved to another location. Really? And no one knows what's happening. And apparently they're going to shut down the entire town. And they are not talking to local police about why they're doing it.

All they said is that it could be from anywhere for a couple of days to a month. No kidding. That they're shutting it down. So it's like, what? What does this research facility do exactly? The facility is a national solar observatory facility at Sacramento Park that's managed by ORA. It's called the Apache Point Observatory.

The Apache Point Observatory is currently in operation, which is near. Okay. But that is going on, but she said ORA does not have a comment about the type of security issue at this time. We have no clue why it's vacated. We are. And they said, they mostly, which is strange because it's the FBI just kind of rolled in and this is from the New Mexico Daily News.

The Almagordo Daily News. Okay. And the FBI showed up with the, you know, they have a couple helicopters, people with like antennas and shit and work crews, but no one has any clue what's happening. That's creepy. And it's still shut down as of today. So do they evacuate the town? Is that what they're working on doing?

Apparently. Wow. That's creepy, man. Kind of fun though. It's very interesting. It would be a great day. I will say this. Great day for a ragtag group of 13 year olds.

Get on your bicycles, go down there, figure out what the heck is happening. And then once the cops kind of go away, you start cornholing each other. Well, you don't have to do that. And find out the other great mystery that is the sexual relations between men and boys and women and men. You sound like Stephen King writing the scene in it at some point after doing it. You got to discover each other. Uh-huh.

I think I've referenced that far too many times. But it reminds me of another story. There was another story that was the same exact thing, which was a guy that went missing working out of the CDC, the Center for Disease Control, this was probably about six months ago. He said he was coming, he went into work at the Center for Disease Control. Right. He said he wasn't feeling very good, which is bad news.

Yeah. That's not good. And then- Disease got out of control. Hello, I'll be here all week. I don't know what he did. But he left early from work, disappeared, they go back to his house, his car is there, all of the windows in his house are open.

They said it was really unusual for him. And they found him a week later. He had either drowned himself in the river, they found his body, but they don't know what happened. And they just kind of yada, yada, yada over the whole thing, which I was like, this is the beginning of the movie. Yeah, absolutely. And note that that case is still unsolved, huh?

Yeah. Well, they, well, no, technically it's solved. They said that he committed suicide. The river did it. No, the river can't do it. The river did it. But I could kind of see it sometimes. You go out there and you see a river and it's just so flowing and the fish are flapping

and you're just like, I just want to be as free as a crab down at the bottom of the ocean. And I wonder if I'll meet my Ariel down there. But don't. No, you're never going to meet your Ariel. And if you do, I love those images of what mermaids would really look like. If they were an idiot, so don't bother. It's not all SpongeBob SquarePants down there. It's very scary stuff.

But what I will say, Kissel, okay, so I am reading this book series, I've been reading it for months. I'm almost done. It's called the three body problem. A part of what they talk about is this concept in it, which is called the dark forest idea, which is this idea about galactic kind of like diplomacy, which is essentially we all live in every intelligent civilization in the galaxy or maybe across the universe, lives in sort of this like bubble where we don't see each other because of either the differences,

the way we communicate, the technology we use, sheerly just distance. And the sort of the way that it boils down to is that unfortunately, the main theory that they have in these books is that if another civilization finds out our location through a series of like a game of telephone of thought, the only way to behave further, the only action you can take is to destroy the other civilization because the two people will eventually grow to find and destroy each other. It's very, very interesting. And then I wonder, and then because Stephen Hawking said the same thing, like, should

we really be looking for aliens that exist in another galaxy? Because if they find us, won't they just fucking kill us? It's possible, or maybe they introduce some great new foods, some new education, perhaps they offer a total and ultimate enlightenment. Who knows? Do you really think that if an alien met you, that you would be friends? Like do you want to be? I know you believe you could be friends with an alien.

I'm actually quite good friends with a lot of people. I think I would be friends with an alien, sit down at a nice little bar stool there. It would be like talking about football and he's like, we don't have football on my planet. We have a different sport and then I'd try to learn it. Outside of the sports bar world, if you met an alien, like honestly, straight up kiss all like, if you met an alien and the thing came in through your window, well, that's a home and it was like, but listen, it did the thing we're kind of semi hypnotized you and it said be at ease.

I'm here to speak. I'm here in a reconnaissance mission to meet you, to speak with alien monkeys, to see what you see, what you're, what you believe in the monkey, what you're, you're the monkey. Okay. What would you say to the alien? What's up? What is happening? I honestly don't, I, I don't get enough credit for how unbelievably chill I am around all

situations in life because it's chaos, it's because I live in a world, chaos is all around me and I'm just like, I don't know what everyone's doing. They're maniacs. Number one, physically, you're up above and can see number two, you physically, a lot of times not in the harm's way. So you can come at things with more, yeah, it's true. No, they're everyone's trying to punch at me, stab at me. Yeah, but you don't feel the same because our fists are smaller than your bones.

Well, all right. Well very interesting alien stuff though. What I am just, no, Marcus has the same size hands as I do and he would, he would pummel me. It would be very painful. But it's only because of his rage and how much he wants to get to your bones. That's, that's a really scary motivation for a serial killer, but like, why'd you do it to get to the bones?

I want to get to his bones. That's, that's horrifying. I just, I guess you never think of these things. What is the thought? An alien floats through my window and is like, hey, how are you, what, yes. What is the thought? Why, why would this be something that it takes extensive thought? If we could escort the alien to a sports bar though, I think-

We're not taking the alien anywhere. Why? This is an American dad. You could put a holo, one of your various Halloween shirts on him and a blazer and you guys could go out to, uh, what's it, uh, does it champs? What's near the house? Uh, car mines. It's a good, it's a good little pizza joint there.

Yeah. You could take it to car mines and see what he does. I, on the other hand, would show him books. Yeah. Why would you want to know anything about American books? The man, the alien creature is far superior in intellect. They probably already know all the things that are in the books. I would sit him down and be like, first of all, welcome hand gestures of welcoming as

you can see. Yeah. Which I'm sure he's going to interpret as welcoming when you're a little Polish person does those aggressive hand gestures towards you. These are not aggressive. Those are- Those are very aggressive. I'm saying-

No, it's welcome. I'm doing a welcome. Like I'm carrying a pair of breasts to my chest. If you're going to do the well, yeah, you have to do the pull back. Right now you're just threatening him with your hands. I'd be like, this is my beautiful fiance. Do not touch. And then what I'll do is, and then I'll be like, first of all, you got to know, welcome

to earth. But honestly, you want to make it here. It's a long way to the top. If you want to rock and roll, put on ACDC's as a long way to top. If you want to rock and roll, do my march dance or I'm going to show him how serious I am. So now basically the alien will interpret that as if you're offering your fiance up for him and then you are also going to put on a show for him to enjoy.

Well, yes. I'll entertain. Obviously I'm going to entertain. Interesting. So we have different ideas on how we're going to do it. And I hope that you do entertain them because if they're bored, they're just going to massacre everybody. I tell you what, my philosophy is never leave anybody bored.

That's a good philosophy. Good philosophy. Never be bored. Never be bored. You can't not. It's not your, it's, you have a constitutional right not to be bored. I think being bored is a good thing. And that's what the American youth and American middle-aged people are missing out on the pleasures

of pure boredom. Let's move on to, let's go to Manchester. There are rumors of a serial killer in Manchester. He is stalking or she is perhaps stalking the Manchester canals and this has spread. This has been going on for a long time right now. They tell the story of this fella. His name is Tom, but his name really isn't Tom. He wants to protect his identity.

He was biking along at 34 years old. He's taken a little bike there trip down the Bridgewater Canal and then he was pushed and he's like, Oh my God, what the heck is happening? And the guy kicked him and he tried to get him to drown in the canal. And he had heard rumors about the supposed, the pusher, a supposed serial killer whose victims were found drowned in Manchester's old industrial canals. Now there are no lights along that section of the canal towpath running through the southwest of the city.

No one to hear if he screamed. I'm just going to say put some lights up. I mean, how expensive is that for the city? Just pop a couple of lights in where everyone is getting drowned to death. And see if it stops. I don't think they use, yeah, I don't think they use like torches. Anything. You know what I mean?

I feel like they could just have a couple of lights in there, but also it's very difficult to change the infrastructure of a city. I, no, it's not, you just pop a light in. I don't fucking know. I am. I will say there is not much, especially in New York that scares me more than the idea of pushers. Subway pushers.

Yes. Subway pushers. Because I've seen those. Have you ever seen footage of subway pushers? Yes. And the thing about a subway pusher. Henry was talking about my size, but it's about leverage. So we had, there was a woman, this must have been maybe a year ago, maybe a year and a half

ago. She pushed someone who she thought was a Muslim and I'm not even sure if the individual was. And she was, the pusher was super tiny and she just pushed her because all you got to do is get low and when the train comes, I mean, anyone could be a victim to one of these people. So technically I am, I have a body built to be a pusher. You really do. If you were in Japan, you would be the one shoving everyone into the subways.

Yeah. Cause I squat and then it hands out. Exactly. And I can push your, I'll push your rump all the way to the back of a subway car. I honestly, I stand with my back against the wall when, before, when the train is coming. That's what I do. Cause the wall, I always do. I'm someone who's like staring impatiently at the, the whole waiting for the train to

come. Oh, you're going to lose your head. But you're begging for it. There are people in New York City who are like, when's the train going to come? And they put their face right in the path of the train. It comes when it comes. It's not going to hurry up. I'm just watching.

I'm just waiting. And it's, and it's a little form of magical thinking, but I, the opposite of a subway pusher is the guy that comes up to you and says at like two in the morning, Hey man, don't do it. Don't even think about it. That's good. People do that to you. That's happened to me twice.

Honestly, you might have been thinking about it. So maybe it's a good idea. It's a, do not commit suicide, well, at, at all, but certainly do not commit suicide. Jump it in front of the subway because the last moments of your life, everyone is cursing your existence. It literally is such a New York. It's the, you may as well have been murdered by everyone. Yeah.

Like if you jump in front of that train, I thought my first thought is fuck you, you piece of shit. Well, it's delayed for two hours and you're just stuck under the train or stuck on the train, which is really becoming a huge phobia for me. And then no one is happy. It is very, very scary, but I am very paranoid on the train. I always have my back to the wall. You trying to come at me?

Do you want to come at me? Uh-oh. The history of the pusher can be traced back to January 11th of 2015. According to the Daily Star Sunday, they published a two page article headlined, Manchester's killer canals. It cited 61 deaths in the city's waterways over the past six years and quoted this psychologist, Professor Craig Jackson. He says, perhaps we are talking about a canal killer.

The canals he said were popular dumping sites for bodies. Since then, that's 2015, the numbers report, the number of reported deaths has grown to 76, then up to 80, then up to 86 in different newspapers. What is rarely mentioned is that these figures refer not to the city itself, but to the greater Manchester and urban area covering hundreds of square miles. So it's possible that this person is just going all around the canals, multiple different, hundreds of miles and pushing people in. So be careful out there.

Did he, so it's a pushing and then a drowning? I think they have to be drowned as well, yes. That's very, very intense. And that's what the cyclist was saying. This is more, to me, honestly, it's more of a drowner than a pusher. Well, Manchester City Area Coroner's Office show there are in fact 35 drownings over the past decade and the Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Services say there have been 22 such deaths in the city since 2009.

So it looks like 22 since 2009, it's really possible that this is a serial killer. I will also say people in Manchester like a bit of a drink. Of course, you have to. So I also wonder where some of that kind of gets involved, where people kind of Edgar Allen Poe themselves, which actually also don't know whether or not that's folklore or not. Right. Yeah, I think he, well, the rumor he sort of did a River Phoenix, right, Edgar Allen

Poe, they say he died in a gutter, I believe. I believe, I don't know, Richard River Phoenix also didn't die. He just died on, I believe, River Phoenix, I thought that the rumor of River Phoenix was he was coming out of like the Rainbow Room or the Viper Room. The Viper Room. We were there, we were at the Rainbow Room, but we were right across the street from the Viper Room. And yes, he had a drug overdose on the sidewalk outside of the Viper Room.

Brutal. That is something I'm increasingly worried about is like the innocuous killer who just sort of poisoned something and then moves on and waits for anyone to die. Like it doesn't have like a particular victim. Well, there was a story. We were actually going to cover this on last podcast, but it's really, there is no, there's not, it's a difficult story to tell, but the Tylenol killer. Yeah, that was really interesting.

That was like 1988. And he would just, yeah, he would just break into play or not break in, just go into pharmacies, pop a couple of poison pills in a Tylenol and wait, wait to hear who was the unlucky lottery. I bought some macaroons the other day. Be careful with that. And I opened the packaging and one of the macaroons was wet and soggy and obviously it's like nobody would over poison a macaroon to the point where it's soggy.

Just cut to one deli guy and be like, no one would suspect anyone would do this. It was just him pissing on a whole batch of macaroons going like, hey, but I did think right. Is this Dick Cheney's deli? What's going on? Yeah. Right before, right before I ate that soggy macaroon, I did think this could be poison. You ate it though.

Yeah, of course. Just try it. Travis stopped drinking or doing any kind of drug and then his life is somehow more dangerous now, but I don't want to talk. I like the idea of, I mean, like the problem is that you can't, that's, I feel like that's classic paranoid thinking though, like the idea that somebody's just going to come and murder it. I always have that problem.

I always double check everything. Technically, the seal on this water was broken. Well, you should. I'm still drinking it because I'm trying to be like, let's not be afraid of everything all the time. Okay. So people are loving these stories in Manchester. I don't know if they're loving them, but it's big news over there.

And of the recorded 35 drownings, 10 have resulted in open verdicts, which means the authorities could not prove what caused them. Five more of the deaths are subject to ongoing investigations. In 2013, 40 year old Simon Bress died after being pushed into the city center, the center canal by muggers. Five people were later jailed for their part in the attack. So it could just be people being randomly mugged or it could be one individual who is out there hunting for folks who may or may not be intoxicated near the canals.

Scary stuff. That's so fucked up. You should be able to have a trust in the system that when you're drunk, someone will come and take care of you, especially in a town like that where it's like, where it's Manchester, there's so much drinking going on. There should be roving guys that go around just helping drunkards. Absolutely. So basically the cops are not saying it's a serial killer.

They're working on figuring out what it is. I think they're just mostly chalking it up to accidents at this point, which has a lot of the victims quite upset. And this is according to Tom again, not his real name, but the bike list. The cyclist from the beginning of the story, he says it's pitch black down there. There's no lights. You look up. Someone catches your eye.

And then in four seconds, you're in dirty water. Be careful. Gentlemen, you're in dirty, not even clean water, dirty water, you know, there is hot water. I tell you what, the worst thing I've ever heard of a friend that got drunk was when my friend Nick got drunk on the train fell asleep and woke up and criminals had cut open his pockets, his front pockets, his back pockets. They cut his backpack off them and just left the straps and they took everything in his pockets and took his shoes.

But you know, the thing is, I know Nick, great guy, struggling actor. I'm sure the wallet wasn't a gold mine, you know, but anyway, I think I was more of just having fun with stealing from a sleeping man. Yes. And thank God they didn't do anything worse. Okay. Do we have- You don't know what they did.

Well, that's- In the end, you don't know what they did. If you think one of their friends was like, and then, and then Robbie started to twiddle it and we were like, what the hell are you doing, dude? He's like, I thought we were all in your- I would definitely- Different ideas. The goal is to teabag the dude and have the guy fucking take pictures of it.

So you squat on his head a bunch and everyone's laughing and having a good time. Classic halo maneuver there. I think we have, are we just at the one more story, right? Well, this story, I really wanted to talk about this guy named Joe Exotic. He's a zookeeper. He was arrested in a Murder for Hire plot involving Florida Cat Rescue Group. The operator of a Florida-based animal sanctuary says she was the target of an Oklahoma zookeeper who was indicted last week on federal murderer for chiro- murder for hire charges.

Carol Baskin of Big Cat Rescue said she clashed in the past with this guy named Joseph Maldonado Passage who goes by the nickname Joe Exotic. He runs an independent zoo. Yes. And they say that, I mean, she has been basically this woman from this Big Cat Rescue Foundation has been saying Joe Exotic has been doing things badly in his private zoo and trying to shut him down. And so he, Joe Exotic decided it was a good idea to go and try to hire someone to murder

her who turned out to be an FBI agent. Right. It's always an FBI agent out there, ladies and gentlemen. So you can- There aren't- It's not a business. They're murder for hire. This isn't the days of the Ice Man.

It's always an FBI worker, specifically if you find them on Craigslist. So this guy, this was actually sent to me as well by a fan. He's got a little bit of a political background as well. So it's kind of fun. We get to cross the streams a little bit for lack of a better analogy. And let's play in 2016, Joe Exotic, everyone was ready. Everyone wanted a voice for change. And Joe Exotic said, you know what, I think I might just be the zookeeper that can give

the people what they need, a voice for change. I love this video and I think a part of what's fun about it is that, well, part of the reason why I am getting caught. He got too big. He got too big to the sun. He got too close to the sun. He got too much. He was too close to power.

They had to take him down. Well, what they said too was that he posted a YouTube video on his channel, which is Joe Exotic TV on YouTube, and that he sort of threatened the woman by saying, which is, you know, not really what you want to do. And he said, in a video on YouTube, he posted a threatening video online, including once in which he shot an effigy of her in the head. You know, you want to know why Carol Baskin better never, ever, ever see me face to face, ever, ever, ever again as a quote.

He said in a video before firing a revolver. And now this is his candidacy for the 2016 president. Do we know if, was that just not a campaign video for how he's going to be tough on defense and national security? I mean, this seems like the kind of guy that maybe, maybe we want to sniff around. Also we should mention this guy looks like Vincent Price Cosplaying as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He does have, he's got a very interesting hairstyle and he talks about that here in his presidential

campaign video, which yeah, it's probably the greatest thing I've ever heard. All right. So let's listen to, and let's hear his case, let's hear if you want this to be your president in 2020. I'm Joe Zoddick. And today this is not going out to any kind of a presidential candidate or any politician of the purpose of this video today. He should let you know who I am.

First thing is I am not cutting my hair. I'm not changing the way I dress. I refuse to wear a suit. I am gay. I've had two boyfriends most of my life. I currently got legally married. Thank God. It's finally legal in America.

I've had some kinky sex, I've tried drugs through the younger years of my life. I am broke as shit. I have a judgment against me from some bitch down there in Florida, but I can tell you I paid a fine with the USDA and that is nothing but a civil fine, ladies and gentlemen. It does not mean that I was accused or convicted of any kind of animal cruelty thing. I built one of the biggest facilities and the nicest facilities for exotic animals in this country as far as a private individual goes. I'm Joe Zoddick, and don't forget, I am now stepping my foot in the ring to run for president.

And this is all paid for by the committee of Joe Zoddick, Speaks for America. Awesome, yeah, getting that whole Hogan music going. Don't know if he has the rights to use that song, but that's okay. He's also the picture that it has for him for Joe Zoddick for president is so wonderfully photoshopped at the end. He's so smooth. He looks like ice cream. He really does.

Joe Zoddick also ran as the Libertarian gubernatorial candidate during Oklahoma's primary election. So he is really involved in local and nationwide politics, so good for him staying involved. That video could also just double as any time I've applied to a Panera job, like I will not cut my hair. I have had kinky sex and I refuse the notion that bread can also be a bowl. No one even asked you that question, but you're hired. I don't even know why. I've had kinky sex and I will continue to do so here in the bakery section of this Panera.

That's great. I love him. And honestly, these are the kind of homespun guys that we need to run in 2020 because that's what I want to see. These are the real Americans. Right. I want to see you run this country. And yes, maybe he has been indicted for murder for hire and he's currently in prison.

But you know what? I'll say about that. One thing you can't take away from Joe Zoddick, his passion. He is a really passionate man. Now the woman did not, my understanding is the other sanctuary animal refuge, the woman there. She takes care of her animals, but then the theory was that Joe Zoddick does not take care of his animals, although he had two lions in the presidential 2016 video and the lions

look pretty happy. They didn't attack him or eat him. Well, yeah, they weren't like being actively stabbed. Yeah. So that's so they were fine. Yeah, they seem to be fine. They seem to be relatively healthy creatures and his entire life does seem to surround around the idea that he is great with exotic animals.

So I mean, I hope he was doing good, but I guess maybe perhaps he was not. Maybe he was busy. I don't think so. Yeah. I think that Joe Zoddick is guilty of these crimes. Oh, I'm sure he's guilty for murder for hire of murder for hire. Yeah. Without.

Well, that's just because he straight up just asked for it. Right. Right. You got to be real round about. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Be like, you don't like Pamela either, right? Isn't that kind of weird?

We both don't like her. Man. We both kind of wish that something would happen to Donna, right? I will say you can tell that Joe Zoddick loves these lions and tigers that he cares for because it seems so obvious that you could easily turn one of these big cats into a co-conspirator and then blame them for the murder, but he would never do that because of their friendship. Well, that's a good point. I mean, you run an animal sanctuary full of exotic cats.

Obviously I can find a way or you could think of a way to dispose of a body. I mean, the best murder weapon is an icicle, but the second best is a big cat. That's what they say. I feel like you could just lead her to the sanctuary and just not feed the animals. Right. But then you kind of sacrifice. The problem is you kind of have to sacrifice one or two because then you'd have to kill the animals.

Right. Which is unfortunate. Because then they get a taste for human flesh. Right. And then no one is safe. The same thing with like a dog. If a dog happens to eat a section of your foot, you got to kill the dog. No.

I don't know. Or even if it is like eats a pepperoni off your thigh and gets meaties. No. They can eat pepperonis. They can eat pepperonis. Well, our good friend titties. Why are you having the dog eat fucking meat off your thigh? No, no.

I don't even want to think about any of this. This is like the misdemeanor version of the guy who puts peanut butter on his junk. They're all felonies. There's two pieces of pepperonis on his upper thighs. So weird. It looks like an elephant. Yeah. It looks like a disgusting pepperoni Christmas tree with its little Christmas skirt.

Good lord. Our friend Kevin Barnett, who by the way, if you have not seen it, check out the show Rell on Fox. He created it. All of our friends in it, man. Yeah. And all of our friends are in it. I think Henry, you have a role in that one too, right?

In Rell or the other one? There's another show that you have a role in. Don't be like, now you got a role in something. No, I was in Kevin Barnett's pilot. I was in Kevin Barnett's pilot. Okay. Kevin used to live by a, by one of these safari lands or something like that. And he was talking about how the lions would constantly escape and just be all around his

farmlands in South Florida. So you do want to make sure that they're fed. Otherwise we could have lost our good friend Kevin, which would not have been good. No, I would not have liked that. No, but I feel like they are very scary, but that Florida's got a lot of that. Of course. Florida is an interesting place. I'm going to say it.

Interesting place. Well, we cannot leave out the most important part of this story is Joe Exotic, not just a politician, not just a fella who hired someone to kill somebody else. He's also, I'm going to say a pretty good country musician. Well, you know what we're going to do is we're going to close it out. Should we close it out with this? Yeah. Cause Joe Exotic, this is the last time he'll ever sing because he's going to be in jail.

No, I, he's not going to go for that long and you can sing in jail. Charles Manson was, was singing in jail all day long. How long can you go into jail for, uh, for murder, for hire? I don't know what he's looking at. Maybe we should get, should we get that information? How long can you be sentenced for murder, for high? Okay. So each count, I got it here.

So if Maldonado passage, AKA Joe Exotic is found guilty of the murder for hire, he could be imprisoned on each count for up to 10 years. And he would also be subject to a three years, three years of supervised release and a fine of $250,000 per count. So he's looking at some significant time. Yeah, that's probably, he'd probably see like five years, three years on parole. And then when he gets out, then he can go right back to singing songs if he wants to. I mean, then he'll have the, uh, the jail behind him.

That makes him a true country star. Uh, so maybe it'll help his credentials, you know? Well, well, so thank you for listening to side stories again. You did a good job, you're here at the end. Yes. Thank you so much for listening. Keep sending us stories. Yes.

Please do DM me on Instagram at bank is what I get so many DMs, but I try to take some time out of my day. I know my busy day. Oh my God. My busy day. I can't with the muffins and then taking care of all the children. Um, but you know, I try to respond, but I do, I do look at those stories. So thank you.

What am I looking right? Because I actually had somebody, a Rogan Hannibal is the one who sent me the story about the sunspots, which is really fun. Cool. Um, and then, uh, this is kind of, I'm trying to follow up more and when people send me the shit, Natalie sent me the story about the setty thing. Well, there you go. So that's an easy, easy one for you to remember.

I did happen to see, I went to go see Perfect Blue. I remember forgetting to say this because I brought it up on our movie episode. I went to go see it because it was re-released into theaters and so I show up, I'm high as a fucking rainbow's tit. Oh, wow. I ate a couple edibles, movie does a start, sound of music just starts playing. And so I'm just like locked in, they could, but it goes, now everything's done by streaming. Oh, I see.

Streaming. And so they have to download it because you don't just, there's not a reel anymore. I know. There's not a man back there with the dick through his hole getting sucked like that. Well, I don't know. Well, he's playing. I don't know how. I remember that scene in Last Action here.

A projectionist. Yeah. And he had to download it on a YouTube or something and then they can show it. That's weird. I got the streaming service from Spectre. This is the old man version of the show. Oh my God. But I'm telling, it's horrible.

It's horrible. Anyway. Okay. So we should, but you liked it. You liked the movie. It's the anime. You liked it. I will say now that I'm an older man and seeing it alone in a theater with all of the nude

Asian, not teens, they're 21 and they've said it specifically. It's like, I should have had somebody with me. Yeah. You're going to have a little Pee Wee Herman moment there from the early nineties. Back when that was a scandal. I don't touch it. I don't touch it. You just have your hands up like you're on an amusement ride, like you're on a roller

coaster the whole time. I put my hands behind my back so it looks like I'm relaxing up behind my head. So it looks like I'm sitting back and relaxing, but they don't understand it so that everybody knows I'm not jerking off. Not doing it. There should be a little thing that says, please put cell phones away and do not touch it. Yes.

Before the anime comes on screen. It should be understood. All right. I don't touch it. So what do you want to say, Henry? Any closing words? You know, I think about it all the time and about what I want to do every day and mostly I want to be able to, I want to have enough dexterity in my fingers to be able to put

on my shoes on my own and I know that what that would require for me is to get up every day, live it up, laugh it up, right? Love it up. Love it up. Which just sound dangerous. Yeah. It does sound dangerous when you say it like that. Triple L everyone.

Love it up. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For listening again. Do the Patreon on the thing.

Got to know how you do that. The name of this song that we're going to go out with is Joe Exotic, My First Love. Should I write a letter, maybe take the chance, Last one I wrote to you, tore it up so fast. You were my first love, the one that's gone the last. A million miles later, I'm close from the past. You were my true love, the one that's supposed to last. A million miles later, still stranded in the past. I could grow a garden, 18 miles high, Give you all roses so you could watch them die.

I could buy a diamond brighter than the sky, Put it on the finger and you could wave goodbye. You were my first love, the one that's gone the last. A million miles later, I'm close from the past. You were my true love, the one that's supposed to last. A million miles later, still stranded in the past. You can curse the darkness and blow out the light. I can build an altar like candles in the night. You can get poisoned to Romeo and Juliet.

I can be a good man, but someday I'll forget. You were my first love, the one that's gone the last. A million miles later, I'm close from the past. You were my true love, the one that's supposed to last. A million miles later, still stranded in the past. You were my first love, the one that's gone the last. A million miles later, I'm a ghost from the past. You were my true love, the one that's supposed to last.

A million miles later, still stranded in the past.